Michelangelo’s Vision of Alberta Premier Rachel Notley and The Alberta Secular Socialist Taliban

November 6, 2017 at 5:48 pm (Commentary, Culture, News, Politics, Satire, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Michelangelo’s Vision of Alberta Premier Rachel Notley and The Secular Socialist Taliban

The Himalayan golden cobra serpent who called himself Maitreya shapeshifted into a Tibetan Buddhist monk and took a guided tour of the Vatican.

Meanwhile at the Set Enterprises laboratory in London, Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster had a vision of a cabinet meeting in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada involving Alberta’s New Democratic Party Premier Rachel Notley and her cabinet.

The group of quasi-Marxists who governed Alberta were planning to bring in legislation that would outlaw Alberta’s Catholic School System from teaching Catholicism and the Bible in Catholic Schools.

As the Cyndi Lauper song True Colors played on the intercom throughout Set Enterprises Laboratories, Michelangelo could see Rachel Notley having her hair parted in Adolf Hitler like fashion.

She also had grown an Adolf Hitler like moustache under her nose.

“Hollywood producer Harvey Weinstein is a true example of a practicing Catholic,” Der Female Fuehrer Rachel Notley prejudicially announced as she began her cabinet meeting.

“I have to wholeheartedly agree,” agreed Alberta Education Minister David Eggen who had gone from blondish bookish looking nerd with glasses 👓 to looking like the spitting image of Nazi Propaganda Minister Joseph Goebbels in Michelangelo’s vision.

“We must also outlaw adult only apartment buildings in the province,” mooed a female member of Notley’s cabinet who had obviously never heard of the words Weight Watchers in her entire life.

“Agreed,” Eggen chortled, “the greatest threat to any totalitarian society like that which we’re planning for this province is having writers and artists with a free mind being allowed to create and express themselves openly. Usually such individuals like peace and quiet and don’t like to listen to the voices of screaming whining little brats. We’ll make sure they have nowhere to hide. They’ll be forced to listen to the voices of screaming whining little brats if they can’t afford to live in a house. Since we’re going to eliminate adults only apartment buildings.”

Notley chortled like the cronish form of the Greek goddess Hecate in heat, “It’s such a delight living in a dictatorship. Provided of course you’re one of the dictatorial elite.”

Her cabinet bellowed and mooed in agreement.

“I declare this meeting adjourned,”
Notley banged her gavel.

The female members of the cabinet rushed to a Lesbian All-Star Wrestling 🤼‍♀️ Show being held in town while the male members departed to a gay sauna.

Michelangelo’s vision ended with a new music group who called themselves George Orwell’s Animal Farm singing those old Gordon Lightfoot song lyrics, “Alberta bound, Alberta bound, It’s good to be Alberta bound…”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday November 6th
2017.

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The Wolfman and Joseph Stalin

October 30, 2017 at 7:55 pm (Culture, Entertainment, Film, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, Horror, Humour, International Intrigue, Movies, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

The Wolfman and Josef Stalin

It was Christmas 1941 and Der Fuhrer Adolf Hitler was enjoying a private screening of the recently released 1941 American horror film The Wolfman with Lon Chaney Jr. in the title role.

“What a delightful film,” Der Fuhrer purred as he wiped sauerkraut off his lips with his napkin, “it makes me glad that the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor and not Hollywood.”

“Indeed,” Nazi Propaganda Minister Joseph Goebbels agreed as he swallowed a huge German sausage.

“I have something I’d like to show your Excellency,” the Ahnenerbe scientist Dr. Fritz Falkenberg stated.

“Please, I’ve looked at enough German sausages tonight,” Der Fuhrer remarked as he sipped a pinkish fruit cocktail.

“No,” Dr. Falkenberg spoke an incantation and the character of the Wolfman emerged from the film reel projector.

“Great Odin!” Hitler shrieked.

Dr. Falkenberg spoke the incantation backwards and the Wolfman returned into the film reel projector.

“Impressive,” Der Fuhrer clapped his hands and then wiped them with a napkin.

“I have taken the liberty of mailing a copy of The Wolfman film to Soviet Communist Party General-Secretary Josef Stalin,” Dr. Falkenberg explained, “with the incantation spoken over the film. When Stalin watches the film, the Wolfman will jump from the screen and kill him.”

“I hope you haven’t mailed it using a Third Reich post mark,” Goebbels ate a Polish pickle, “otherwise Stalin won’t open it. Our two countries are at war you know.”

“I used one of our spies in Canada to mail the movie from Ottawa to Moscow,” Dr. Falkenberg explained.

What Dr. Falkenberg hadn’t counted on was the slowness of Canada’s postal service.

The film didn’t arrive in Moscow until March 5th 1953.

Stalin was attacked and killed by the screen leaping Wolfman during the course of the film.

Radio Moscow promptly attributed Stalin’s death to natural causes.

Der Fuhrer was not alive to enjoy the announcement.

-A Halloween short story
and vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday October 30th
2017.

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Statements of Insincerity Made In 2 Different Time Periods: One In The Movies and The Other In Real Life

October 26, 2017 at 3:51 pm (Commentary, Culture, Movies, News) (, )

Statements of Insincerity Made In 2 Different Time Periods: One In The Movies and The Other In Real Life

Captain Louis Renault (in the 1942 movie Casablanca): I am shocked- shocked to find that gambling is going on in here (Rick’s Cafe)…

Matt Damon (in real life in 2017): I am shocked- shocked to find that Harvey Weinstein is a sexual predator.

(An echo that sounds much like the voice of actor George Clooney echoes that statement)

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Haiku About Fats Domino R.I.P.

October 25, 2017 at 2:37 pm (Culture, Entertainment, Music, News, Obituaries, Poetry) (, , , , )

Haiku About Fats Domino R.I.P.

Yes, I found my thrill
listening to your music
Mister Domino

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Reflection On The Las Vegas Massacre: A Poem

October 4, 2017 at 6:47 pm (Commentary, Culture, History, Horror, News, Poetry) (, , )

Reflection On The Las Vegas Massacre: A Poem

Deep down we’ve always known that TV commercial ad slogans no matter how catchy
were not conveyors of genuine truth
As one ad slogan for Las Vegas Tourism which became so catchy
It even became a line in Hollywood movies
has now crumbled
With lives lost and wounds lasting
We now know
that what happened in Vegas
won’t stay in Vegas.

-A poem written by Christopher
Wednesday October 4th 2017.

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Renfield Reflects On Hugh Hefner’s Death

September 29, 2017 at 4:21 pm (Commentary, Culture, News) (, , , )

Renfield Reflects On Hugh Hefner’s Death

“So I see Hugh Hefner the founder of Playboy magazine and the father of the Sexual Revolution has kicked the bucket,” Renfield R. Renfield MP remarked as he read The Times of London, “although I notice some of the tabloid newspapers phrase it as he has gone up to that great big mansion in the sky.”

“How do they know he hasn’t gone down to that great big fireplace down below?” Amadeus remarked between mouthfuls of peanut 🥜 butter and jam sandwiches.

Renfield found Amadeus’ remarks quite disturbing.

Later in his stately bedroom, the British Transhumanist Party MP, although an atheist, started to reflect on what would be the case if Amadeus’ belief in the afterlife was true.

Renfield picked up his red velvet dressing gown and his evening smoking pipe (inspired by the example of Hugh Hefner) and wondered if he should throw them out.

After all if the great big fireplace down below was in fact real, Renfield thought it might be a rather unpleasant experience to spend an eternity there.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday September 29th
2017.

Dante’s Inferno On A Friday Night:

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On The Beach

August 31, 2017 at 3:28 pm (Arts, Culture, Mythology, Plays, The Supernatural, Theatre Arts, Vampire novel) ()

The great London stage actor Sir Carlton Hardisty sat on the North Sea beach on Norfolk’s coast.

He had spent a quiet summer with his daughter and grandchildren down in Cornwall.

And was now looking forward to the start of the West London theatre season this autumn.

Although he hadn’t quite escaped from his acting career over the summer.

They had wanted him to perform a murder in the Jamaica Inn one weekend down at that famous pub in Bodmin Moor which was the subject of Daphne du Maurier’s 1936 novel and Alfred Hitchcock’s 1939 film.

He found out that talking like Charles Laughton and not Johnny Depp didn’t make such a big hit with the younger crowd while playing the role of a Cornish cutthroat pirate.

Still he enjoyed eating the Cornish pasties after his performance.

Now that summer was winding down, he found the need to be alone.

As Greta Garbo once said, “I want to be alone.”

So he had left the Cornish coast and went in a straight northeasterly direction to the Norfolk coast.

Now he was sitting on a beach overlooking the North Sea.

He sat there wondering if he was too old to play James Bond.

It was damned inconsiderate of Daniel Craig to sign on to do another Bond picture thus robbing him of the chance to play the coveted secret agent.

Oh well, maybe he’ll end up playing an aging Captain Kirk who cries at Mr. Spock’s deathbed before he had the chance to ask Spock to march in a Gay Pride parade with him.

Hardisty looked down at the object in his hand.

It was a ship in a bottle.

Or more precisely Captain Nemo’s submarine Nautilus from Jules Verne’s novel 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea.

His grandson had made it and asked his grandfather to cast the bottle adrift in the North Sea.

Inside the Nautilus submarine itself was a note written in Latin, his grandson had explained.

A message in a ship in a bottle.

Written in Latin.

Oh well, maybe Julius Caesar’s ghost will find it, Sir Carlton reflected as he threw it into the North Sea.

Otherwise the Latin message would be Greek to most people especially a Novus Ordo Catholic priest.

After he threw the bottle into the sea, a seagull circled around him flying metres above his head.

Then the seagull landed on the beach and circled around him walking in the sand.

Then it flew away squawking.

The whole scene reminded him of Nina’s line from Anton Chekhov’s play The Sea Gull, “You speak in symbols.”

Speaking of Chekhov, maybe he could ask the Starship Enterprise’s navigator to march in a Gay Pride parade with him now that Spock was dead, Sir Carlton Hardisty thought aloud reverting to character as an aging Captain James Tiberius Kirk with emphasis on his middle name.

30 metres from shore, the Greek god of the sea Poseidon stood with his head just above the waves picking his nose with his trident.

“Puck was right,” Poseidon puckered as he picked, “What fools these mortals be.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday August 31st
2017.

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Orson Welles and The Woman of Mystery Part 3

August 15, 2017 at 9:24 pm (Arts, Culture, Entertainment, Film, History, Literature, Movies, Mystery, News, Science-Fiction, The Supernatural, Vampire novel, western) (, , , , , )

Orson Welles and The Woman of Mystery Part 3

“So,” Welles looked over again at Serena, “From where did Serena learn this ancient Egyptian spell that turned Belvedere into a ghost white salamander?”.

“You mean from whom?” Serena smiled seductively at Welles and licked her lips.

“From whom?” Welles looked at her quizzically, “You mean it was a person who taught her this spell?”.

“Let’s just say a being or an entity,” Serena laughed once again as she threw back her hair.

“And who is this being or entity?” Welles asked the blonde enchantress seated on the desk in front of him.

“It’s revealed at the end of the script,” Serena winked at him, “at the end of the movie.”

“But I notice the last few pages of the script are missing,” Welles held up the papers in his hand.

“That’s because I want you to take an oath never to reveal the ending of the script before I show it to you,” Serena brought out a King James Bible from her purse since she knew Welles loved the language of the King James Bible.

“An oath?” Welles looked shocked, “But my grandmother warned me never under any circumstances to join the Freemasons.”

“I’m not asking you to take a Freemasonic oath,” answered Serena who had recently seen a Vatican Cardinal do just that.

“That’s good,” Welles breathed a sigh of relief, “I don’t really relish the idea of getting my throat slit from ear to ear or getting disembowelled within stepping distance of the ocean.”

“No sane sensible person would,” Serena agreed.

“But how then are we to make this movie if the ending is kept a secret?” Welles looked at her.

“This will be the most unique movie in all recorded history, Mr. Welles,” Serena spoke in a whisper, “to go along with all the unique movies you have made. This movie will be released to the general public to see within a year of its making but its ending will only be seen in a re-release of the film several years down the road. You of course will shoot the ending Mr. Welles with your own unique style but the ending will be kept on a separate reel stored in a Swiss bank vault and released to the general public several years down the road during the film’s re-release.”

“What a splendid idea,” Welles enthused, “so splendid in fact that it’s a wonder I didn’t think of it…”

“You will, Orson, you will,” Serena laughed.

“So how long will the public have to wait before they see the film’s ending during the movie’s re-release?” Welles asked.

“August 2017,” Serena answered with a smile and a sudden flick of her classic vintage antique railway watch.

“That’s a long way aways,” Welles looked at Serena with an understated expression of shock and astonishment.

“72 years,” Serena did not bother counting the years down on her fingers and toes as she did not have that many fingers and toes.

. . .

Needless to say the chief executive of RKO Radio Pictures Studios did not look at Welles with an understated expression of shock and astonishment when Welles described the project to him.

In fact, the studio head had even taken back the cigar he had offered Welles when the young genius film maker had entered his office.

“A bit early in the day for you to be drinking isn’t it, Orson?” The studio head exploded, “Now get out of here and come back with a more practical idea for a picture.”

Welles hurriedly exited the studio head’s office.

As he left, he heard the studio head’s pet parrot say, “Squawk. You should drink no wine 🍷 before its time. Squawk. You should drink no wine before its time.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday August 15th
2017.

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The Strange Case of The Emerald Green Cat of Bulgaria 🇧🇬: A Poem

August 10, 2017 at 7:45 pm (Comedy, Culture, Detective story, Entertainment, Humour, Literature, Mystery, News, Poetry) (, , , , , )

The Strange Case of The Emerald Green Cat of Bulgaria 🇧🇬: A Poem

Jack O’ Hare
jack rabbit fair
he really was quite the bunny
that some thought was very funny

One day while he was out hopping
he decided to do some shopping
he spent some time looking at phones
as well as browsing through books about Sherlock Holmes

He bought the latter
avoided walking under a ladder
and went back to his quaint little home 🏡
right next to an abandoned honeycomb
Which was indeed a very wise thing
for Jack loved the way the birds sing
but not the way the bees sting

The latter could be a real pain in the ass
made it unpleasant to sit on the grass
so the honeycomb was long abandoned
possibly since the time of Aladdin

I wonder what became of his genie
Jack thought while eating a vegan weenie
He really should have bought some hot dog buns
although the raisin bran flavoured ones
often gave him the runs

Jack then read the Sherlock Holmes story A Study In Scarlet
and discovered it wasn’t about Mystery Babylon’s harlot
He read the huge volume straight through
while munching on his multi-carrot stew
he finally finished at The Adventure of Schoscombe Old Place
published in 1927
and closed the volume thinking Sherlock’s exploits were heaven

He decided upon putting the book 📚 on the shelf
and dusting off the statue of the garden elf
that like Holmes he’d become a consulting detective
because to be Inspector Lestrade was to be defective

So he put an ad to that effect in the Rabbit Weekly
even though his girlfriend told him it was so geeky 🤓
But come the Wednesday after the ad
came a Saint Bernard dog looking sad 😭 🐶

“I can’t get to sleep at night,” said he
the Saint Bernard dog Wally McGee
Asked Jack, Have you tried drinking herbal tea ☕️

It’s the apparition that appears outside my window each night that is the problem
I’m not sure if it’s ghost or goblin
sighed Wally with fear in his eyes
as he ate the last of Jack’s French fries 🍟

This will mean another run to the grocery store thought Jack
as I have no potatoes left in the sack
Neither will I have Lola
thought Jack as he sipped his Cola
ever since she caught him looking at Mae West’s melons
in an old movie about call girls and felons
She left Jack with these parting words, Aloha.

So as far as Jack’s love life went, he was now in the Lone Star ⭐️ State
but such were the quirks, twists and turns of Fate
Getting back to the problem at hand
Jack looked at the Saint Bernard dog well tanned
for this was a dog who had his day in the sun
as unleashed through a park, he went on a run

So describe the apparition you saw
Jack motioned with his foot to Wally’s paw
All right said Wally
pausing to look at a collie,
“Wow! There’s a real bitch in heat!”.
Sighed Jack, Be less like Trump and be more discreet.

So Wally went on, Getting back to the apparition at hand
it was the most terrifying sight in all the land
it frightened away our neighbourhood Calypso band
and turned my rock garden into mounds of sand

Sounds like quite the spectacle,
Jack was forming thoughts diametrical,
What was it exactly that you did see?
Well, said Wally, I had gotten up to pee,
I went out the back door to my favourite tree
And it was there I saw it
I don’t know what to call it

Describe it as best as you can,
Jack used a carrot 🥕 for a fan
for it was one heck of a hot summer night
the kind where goose bumps make your pants too tight

Said Wally,
By golly!
It was a ghostly ghastly feline
It was blocking the way to my tree line
It glowed emerald green
really quite the scene
and everywhere it went, it glowed in the dark
it could totally light up Central Park
and what I’m telling you is certainly no lark

Jack put on his deerstalker cap
his thinking hat with a flap
He lit up his Sherlockian style pipe
he had Basil Rathbone down to type

Well, Jack coughed
sending the chickens aloft,
this cat you describe I think I’ve heard of
from the lips of Vladimir Birdov
He died in my arms
On Green Acres Farms

He had recently come back from Varna, Bulgaria 🇧🇬
having encountered a cat with menthyl malaria
which it contracted from a little green frog 🐸
that had sat there like a bump on a log

And this unusual type of malaria
previously unknown in Bulgaria 🇧🇬
turned the cat’s colour to a ghostly emerald green
making this tabby the talk of the bar scene

But what’s it doing here in Canada 🇨🇦, Wally wanted to know
He was bursting a gut and quite possibly his toe
Jack looked at Wally and gave his hat a twirl
sending up pipe smoke in quite a widening curl
And then quietly said, Don’t be such a nerd
For you mean to say you haven’t heard,
Prime Minister Justin, unlike Trump, is welcoming all refugees
even those with a emerald green cat furry sneeze.

-A Jack O’ Hare poem
written by Christopher
Thursday August 10th
2017.

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Orson Welles and The Woman of Mystery

August 4, 2017 at 5:41 pm (Arts, Culture, Film, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, Romance, Science-Fiction, The Supernatural, Vampire novel, western) (, , , , , , )

Orson Welles and The Woman of Mystery

It was August of 1945. Japan had surrendered. Hitler was dead. Roosevelt was dead. Churchill had been defeated in the recent British general election.

And Clement Attlee, Harry Truman and Joseph Stalin had met in Potsdam to decide the fate of the world.

And Orson Welles was busy contemplating the next movie he should make.

He was thinking of making a movie about the aftermath of the war.

But given what the world just went through, maybe audiences were looking for a film that wouldn’t be about war.

What then?

A western perhaps?

It was watching John Ford’s 1939 Western film Stagecoach over and over again that Welles had taught himself the techniques of film making when he had signed the unprecedented contract with RKO Radio Pictures to make 3 films for them.

But what sort of Western?, Welles wondered to himself.

His secretary walked into his studio office, “A young woman here to see you, Mr. Welles.”

“Really?” Welles looked out his office door and noticed a very beautiful young blonde woman standing in the reception room.

Welles stood there positively enchanted.

“Send her in,” said Welles.

His secretary motioned the woman to enter.

The young beautiful blonde woman did so.

Welles’ secretary exited and closed the door behind her.

“I’m Orson Welles,” Welles extended his hand.

“Serena,” the young woman shook his hand.

“Serena…?” Welles waited for a last name.

The woman looked at him and smiled, “The past is history and the future is mystery. So for now, I’m just Serena.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday August 4th
2017.

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