Renfield, A Disembodied Head, A Missing Peace Prize and Welles’ Gatsby MacBeth

January 10, 2020 at 11:58 pm (Culture, Film, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Literature, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

Renfield, A Disembodied Head, A Missing Peace Prize and Welles’ Gatsby MacBeth

It was evening and British MP Renfield R. Renfield was once again on Skype talking to his friend Amadeus Emanon who was in Australia.

Amadeus was part of an international group of volunteers working to rescue koalas, kangaroos and other wildlife from the wildfires that were currently raging in that country.

“Some fire fighters and rescue volunteers captured some photos of an unusual sight today,” Amadeus mentioned.

“Oh, and what was that?” Renfield asked.

“It was photos of the flaming disembodied head of a Jesuit priest going around setting fire to trees,” Amadeus answered.

“That is a very unique and unusual form of arson,” Renfield used his Sherlockian powers of deductive reasoning to reach that conclusion.

“Angelique,” Amadeus referred to his girlfriend, “captured a video of it.”

Amadeus showed Renfield the video.

As flames of fire came forth from the disembodied head, the Jesuit said, “Survival of the fittest. Jump start the next evolutionary leap. Koalas and kangaroos won’t help the Cosmos evolve towards the Omega Point.”

“Makes you wonder if this Omega Point is worth evolving to,” Renfield commented as he took a swig of whisky.

. . .

The news video clip was of Donald Trump at a campaign event in Toledo, Ohio the night before.

Trump told his supporters, “I’m going to tell you about the Nobel Peace Prize, I’ll tell you about that. I made a deal, I saved a country and I just heard that the head of that country is getting the Nobel Peace Prize for saving the country. I said, ‘What, did I have something to do with it?’. Yeah, but you know, that’s the way it is. As long as we know, that’s all that matters… I saved a big war, I’ve saved a couple of them.”
Trump was stating that he deserved the Nobel Peace Prize for ending the war between Ethiopia and Eritrea.

Not Ethiopian Prime Minister Abiy Ahmed, 43, the man who actually ended the war.

The U.S. influence in the peace talks was minimal.

And so Donald Trump was making a whopper of a claim.

Probably the biggest whopper of a claim since then Prime Minister Brian Mulroney of Canada (the biggest most pompous and most arrogant asshole that Canadian politics has ever produced) made the whopper of a claim back in 1990 that he was the man single handedly responsible for the dismantling of the Berlin Wall in Europe and the ending of apartheid in South Africa.

Totally ignoring the efforts of Mikhail Gorbachev, Ronald Reagan and Pope John Paul II in the former event and the efforts of Nelson Mandela and F.W. De Klerk in the other.

. . .

The ghost of Orson Welles (who along with Winston Churchill’s ghost was one of two spirit advisors to Renfield R. Renfield) sat in a comfortable arm chair in the Set Estate mansion in West London sipping a glass of spectral red wine while Set’s cat Nefertiti Galore was dining on smoked oysters and vodka from her cat dish.

The ghost of Orson Welles was contemplating directing a new film- a roaring 1920s version of MacBeth in which MacBeth would appear as a Great Gatsby style figure and Lady MacBeth would come across as an even more narcissistic (than she was in Fitzgerald’s novel) version of Daisy Buchanan- one with severe psychopathic and homicidal tendencies.

Welles imagined MacBeth’s first meeting with the 3 Witches- not on a Scottish heath but in the grand drawing room of an elegant mansion on a colossal Long Island estate.

-A vampire novel chapter 
written by Christopher
Friday January 10th
2020.

Permalink 13 Comments

Christmas Sweater

December 22, 2019 at 11:31 pm (Christmas, Culture, Folklore, Humour, Poetry) (, , )

Christmas Sweater

And so one might ask, who and what did Santa Claus ride
Back in the day of the dinosaurs’ stride?
And now thanks to Christmas sweaters, it can be revealed 
You can wear the sweater while, on the topic, keeping your lips sealed.

-A poem written by Christopher
Sunday December 22nd
2019.

Permalink 20 Comments

Porch Pirate Eaters and Snowmen

December 17, 2019 at 11:29 pm (Comedy, Culture, Entertainment, Humour, News, TV Commercials, Vampire novel) (, , )

Porch Pirate Eaters and Snowmen

BBC News Anchorwoman Geeta Guru-Murthy was reading the news.

Geeta: And now a news story involving everyone’s favourite Member of Parliament Renfield R. Renfield.
Mr. Renfield recently filmed a TV commercial that will be shown in North America.
With the recent massive growth in on-line sales, there has also been a massive surge in porch piracy- that act whereby someone steals a parcel left on a porch by a delivery courier company.
To combat this growing crime phenomenon, Set Enterprises’ chief scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher has invented something guaranteed to combat porch piracy and ensure that your on-line ordered package remains safe to wind up in your hands.
Here is Mr. Renfield advertising the product in that TV ad:

Renfield: Hi, I’m Renfield R. Renfield dashing and debonair British Member of Parliament.
Are you tired of porch pirates stealing your parcels that you bought on-line with your hard earned money?

Then get this: 

The scene shows a parcel left on a porch by a delivery man.
The delivery man leaves and a person pulls up in a car on the street and exits to help himself to the parcel off the porch.
As he walks down the walk carrying the parcel, he’s suddenly attacked by a one-eyed one-horned flying purple monster.

Renfield: Yes, friends, it’s the Set Enterprises’ one-eyed one-horned flying purple parcel pirate eater.

The monster bites off the porch pirate’s arm: Munch! Munch!

Renfield: No more will you have to worry about these porch pirates who want to ruin your Christmas season.

The monster bites off a porch pirate’s leg: Munch! Munch!

Renfield: And your loved ones will actually get the gifts they deserve.
While porch pirates get what they deserve.

The monster bites off the porch pirate’s head: Munch! Munch!

Renfield (smiling): So sleep easily this Christmas season knowing that the parcels you order on-line and have delivered to your house will remain safe on your porch if you happen to own a one-eyed one-horned flying purple parcel pirate eater.
And have a wonderful and blessed Christmas season, my friends.

(Renfield waves at the camera)

Monster (after totally devouring the porch pirate): BELCH!

(Geeta looks astounded)

Geeta: Well, moving on to our next story, from a land down under, everyone’s favourite once and future Australian jailbird Uncle Ernie claims to have developed a snowman made of real snow that the said Uncle Ernie says won’t melt in the hot Australian summer sun so that Australians this Christmas can enjoy real snowmen like their cousins in far more northern climates do.
Reporting from Australia is our Australian correspondent J. Michael Crocodile Dungheap:

Crocodile Dungheap: Thanks, Geeta, well as you can see…

(The camera pans out showing reporter Crocodile Dungheap standing in a massive puddle of melted ice)

Crocodile Dungheap: … it’s back to the drawing board for Uncle Ernie.

(Geeta once again looks astounded)

Geeta (regaining her composure) : Coming up after the break, this story… who will replace Jeremy Corbyn as British Labour leader?

(The camera shows twice defeated Welsh British Labour candidate and private eye Magog Rhys Petley turning into a werewolf)

-A vampire novel chapter 
written by Christopher
Tuesday December 17th
2019.

Permalink 2 Comments

Q’ orianka Kilcher Is Renfield’s Favourite Environmentalist

December 11, 2019 at 11:58 pm (Culture, Entertainment, Film, Geopolitics and International Relations, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Q’ orianka Kilcher Is Renfield’s Favourite Environmentalist

British MP Renfield R. Renfield was back in the cozy comfort of his Tewkesbury Bed and Breakfast after an extensive night of door-to-door campaigning the evening before tomorrow’s UK General Election.

“So, how did it go?” His friend Amadeus asked as he ate a strawberry jam covered crumpet.

“It went fine until the very last house,” Renfield answered, “when I dropped all my cue cards. The voter finally closed the door on me by the time I got all my cue cards together in the right order again.”

Taking a cue from British Prime Minister Boris Johnson and his British Conservative Party TV ad parodying that famous scene from the 2003 Richard Curtis directed film Love Actually (that starred Hugh Grant) where some shy love struck man finally professes his love to his now married (to his best friend) woman of his dreams by appearing at her door on Christmas Eve and using cue cards to express his love, Renfield decided to use the same technique on his last night of campaigning.

He certainly earned a great deal of money this evening as most people gave him a quid and told him to “bugger off”.

Renfield gave Amadeus his opinion of a recent test flight of a sea plane that happened this week in the Canadian province of British Columbia.

An old late 1950s De Havilland sea plane was fitted with an electric motor and ran its entire flight using electricity.

Harbour Air the Vancouver based company that successfully conducted the 1st all electric sea plane flight was hoping to make its entire fleet of sea planes run on electricity rather than fossil fuels by 2022.

“It’s innovation like this that is going to reduce fossil fuel use and carbon emissions and help the climate and environment, ” Renfield explained, “not the totalitarian Marxist style one world government by 2030 in the name of sustainable development that’s being promoted by the United Nations, George Soros, Jeffrey Sachs, U2 bonehead Bono and Pope Francis in the name of alleviating climate change. Of course apocalyptic soothsayers of doom like Greta Thunberg are causing more people to embrace the UN 2030 Sustainable Development Goals Agenda that if imposed would bring all of humanity under a draconian and despotic future. Orwell’s 1984 will then be complete in 2030.”

“Did you know that Greta Thunberg was named TIME Magazine’s Person of The Year today?” Amadeus asked.

“Shit,” said Renfield.

The MP sipped his hot tea.

“Still I shouldn’t be surprised,” Renfield acknowledged, “an age of hysteria like the age we’re living in is going to impose its accolades on hysterical people.”

“I suppose that’s true,” Amadeus nodded.

“You know,” Renfield gazed into the fire place, “For the past 10 years, the woman who’s probably Hollywood’s most talented actress and yet also one of its least known has been promoting the message of climate change and getting off fossil fuels. She’s been constantly doing this since 2009 when she was acclaimed for her role playing the Hawaiian Crown Princess Ka’iulani in the 2009 film Princess Ka’iulani. Her first breakthrough performance came back in 2005 when she played Pocahontas alongside Colin Farrell’s Captain John Smith in the 2005 film The New World. The first car she ever bought was an electric car long long before Elon Musk ever developed and marketed his Teslas. She makes her own dresses and gowns all made out of recycled materials. And has her own small fashion line doing the same thing.
She goes down to Peru (her father’s ancestral homeland) continuously to help the indigenous peoples living down there. She led a demonstration against Peru’s then President Alan Garcia after his government had massacred indigenous peoples in the Amazon region for daring to stand up to multinational companies in Peru wanting to exploit the region for its resources. And she led that demonstration in Peru. She was the first public figure to expose that massacre to the entire world. She was also arrested twice in the U.S. for demonstrating against Garcia and the U.S. oil companies he was in bed with. Once chaining herself to the White House fence on an occasion in 2011 when Barack Obama met with the genocidal Garcia. She has constantly spoken out on climate change and issues affecting the world’s indigenous peoples. And always does it in a calm, gentle and rational manner. She has an inner strength about her that’s stronger than any outburst of anger or grumpiness. Her gentleness backed by that inner strength cannot really be fought or argued against. So much more effective than someone who comes across as a teenaged poster child for someone desperately in need of taking anger management classes. And Q’orianka has been doing this for 10 years now. How long has this Greta Thunberg been talking about climate change? Just over a year. So why have most people heard of Greta and not Q’orianka? Probably because Q’orianka is an indigenous woman descended from the Quechua peoples of Peru who helped build the Inca Empire and were master mathematicians, architects and astronomers. While Greta on the other hand is white and came from Sweden the first country to give the world pornography and gender re-assignment surgery. We know for all this talk of diversity in the year 2019 where the real power still lies.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday December 11th
2019.

Q’ orianka Kilcher at the 2nd Annual Legacy Charity Series Gala In Santa Monica California

Permalink 16 Comments

The Portrait of Dorian Gray’s Teddy Bear

December 9, 2019 at 11:07 pm (Art, Arts, Culture, Literature, Mystery, painting, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

The Portrait of Dorian Gray’s Teddy Bear 

Dashwood Forrest the owner of The Dashwood Forrest Art Gallery had spent the day visiting a London Christmas Market.

On his way home, he had visited a small antique store where he noticed a rather old painting of a child’s teddy bear.

Intrigued by the painting, Forrest had bought the painting for £20 and brought it back to his gallery with him.

He gave the painting a cleaning and noticed the name of the artist- Basil Hallward.

The same artist who had painted the original portrait of Dorian Gray that Forrest had purchased at an estate sale back in October of 2012.

Prior to purchasing that painting, Forrest had just believed that the artist Basil Hallward was a fictional character and the famous portrait of Dorian Gray had been a figment of Oscar Wilde’s imagination.

Back on September 3rd of this year, the figure of Dorian Gray had disappeared from the painting when Hurricane Dorian had struck the Caribbean.

Only to return when the storm finally faded into oblivion.

And now here was a portrait of a teddy bear done by the same man who had painted a portrait of Dorian Gray.

Forrest noticed the year below Basil Hallward’s name -1860- the same year he had painted the picture of Dorian Gray.

Forrest decided to take the frame off and check the back of the canvas of the painting.

There on the back of the canvas of the painting were the words Portrait of Dorian Gray’s Toy Bear- painted 1860.

So Dorian Gray had owned a teddy bear before teddy bears became popular (teddy bears had emerged as a phenomenon back in the early 1900s and the toy bears had in fact been named after Teddy Roosevelt who was the U.S. President of the day).

Forrest went to the secluded room in the gallery where he kept the picture of Dorian Gray.

He hung the portrait of Dorian Gray’s teddy bear next to Gray’s portrait.

He then put the velvet curtains up again in front of both paintings, turned off the lights and closed the door.

Had he stayed in the room a few minutes longer, he’d have noticed the figure of Dorian Gray’s teddy bear in the portrait had gone missing.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday December 9th
2019.

Permalink 23 Comments

Rita Hayworth’s 101st Birthday

October 17, 2019 at 9:32 pm (Arts, Culture, Film, Movies, Poetry) (, , , , , , , )

Rita Hayworth’s 101st Birthday

Happy Birthday, Rita Hayworth (born Margarita Carmen Cansino)

Haiku For Rita Hayworth

Actress and dancer
Was queen of the silver screen
Enchanting goddess

Permalink 18 Comments

Athena’s Song

October 5, 2019 at 9:56 pm (Arts, Culture, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, Poetry, Romance, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Athena’s Song

The Kraken Napoleon VI was sitting in a Parisienne cafe with several bottles of rum in front of him.

The Ancient Greek god Zeus entered the cafe and sat down from the Kraken.

“I believe we met on Mount Olympus last year,” said Zeus, “You’re Medusa’s husband aren’t you?”.

“I am,” the Kraken nodded.

Zeus ordered a glass of ouzo from the waiter.

“I understand you’re a member of the European Parliament along with Medusa,” Zeus added some Grecian Formula to his grey beard.

“That is correct,” said the Kraken Napoleon VI, “Waiting for the day that the French people elect me Emperor of France.”

“Any luck with that?” Zeus took out a comb and started combing his beard.

“No,” the Kraken admitted.

“Bummer,” said Zeus who was also recalling the day he unexpectedly walked into his son Apollo’s bedroom when the latter had his friend Hyacinth over.

The Greek deity and the Kraken then discussed Brexit.

The Kraken asked Zeus if he could do anything to possibly help the Kraken’s friend Renfield R. Renfield who, even though he was a British Transhumanist Party MP, was a member of Boris Johnson’s cabinet.

Zeus agreed.

Meanwhile on stage in a Paris nightclub was Zeus’ daughter Athena the Greek goddess of wisdom.

Athena sang a song,

“Those were the days of wine and roses,
Love will be like this always one supposes 
But as the sands of time travel on
Wine loses its flavour and the singer their song
What once was wonder has turned to dust 
like a once new car turned to rust
The sun has set, the moon is eclipsed,
no sparks now fly at exchange of lips,
The day is done, The night is black,
Love has fled down the track,
Enjoy the days of wine and roses while you can
Before the time you just feel an also ran.”

-A vampire novel chapter
and poem
written by Christopher
Saturday October 5th
2019.

Permalink 8 Comments

Reblog of Hyperion Zen: Notes From Afar

September 30, 2019 at 9:25 pm (Commentary, Culture, Inspiration, Life, Personal essays, Philosophy) (, , )

Here’s an excellent blog post written by my friend Daniel.

Notes From Afar

The strong riding crop of reason applied to the buttocks of imbecility, as Bela Lugosi would say, “What music they make.”

Dracul Van Helsing, daraculvanhelsing.wordpress.com

Sherrielock Holmes
Image by Eleine.com

For several years, Dracul, Sherrie, and I were a Triumvirate of Zen; prescient in our views, wise in our diverse experiences in life, and dear close friends. Dracul comes from a deep Zen of tutelage from his intellectual father and carries on that tradition as a Sage of Geopolitical and Religious satire.

Sherrie was raised as a jungle native of Sarawak, living a pure and natural life until civilization found her and embarked her on a journey in life she could never have imagined as a child in loin cloth spearfishing with a bow and arrow she made herself. She has the most ancient soul I have come to know with a wisdom of The Path (Dao) greater than any…

View original post 727 more words

Permalink 12 Comments

Margarita Carmen Cansino, Orson Welles and Jack Benny

September 21, 2019 at 11:04 pm (Culture, Entertainment, Film, Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, History, International Intrigue, Movies, News, Romance, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

Margarita Carmen Cansino, Orson Welles and Jack Benny 

The Norse trickster god Loki sat at the controls of the CERN Large Hadron Collider in Switzerland.

He had just finished sampling a month’s supply of Chemical of The Day Club (as opposed to Book of The Month Club) samples sent to him by a friend in Australia who went by the cheery sounding name of Uncle Ernie.

With Uncle Ernie’s Chemicals of The Day fully in control of his mind, Loki was now creating many a time warp down at CERN.

With Liberace and Olivia Newton John performing a duet of the song Let’s Do The Time Warp Again (from The Rocky Horror Picture Show) in the background, Loki was doing much temporal mischief.

The ghost of Orson Welles (who currently lived as a spectral guest in the colossal London mansion of the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set where, along with the ghost of Sir Winston Churchill, he served as a spirit advisor to British MP Renfield R. Renfield) found himself sent back in time to the year 1935.

Tears came to Welles’ spectral eyes when he saw the young Margarita Carmen Cansino (who was later forced by Hollywood studio producers to change her name to Rita Hayworth) standing there.

“I should have been a more loving husband to her,” Welles’ ghost sobbed as he ordered a bottle of Chardonnay from the studio gopher.

“I can’t believe the nerve of that white guy who wanted to audition for the role of Charlie Chan,” Margarita Carmen Cansino shook her head.

“Would that have been Warner Oland?” Welles asked.

“No,” Rita shook her head, “Some non-talented entity from up in Canada who had listed High School Drama Teacher in Vancouver on his resume.”

Welles’ ghost went over to the next studio where the great American comic actor Jack Benny was holding auditions for his next movie.

Some obviously white guy wearing blackface stood on stage at the microphone.

“Hi,” said the man, “My name is Justin Trudeau and I’d like to audition for the role of Rochester.”

“Someone get that bum out of here,” Benny remarked.

Cerberus the 3-headed dog from the Underworld of Hades chased the Rochester wannabe off stage.

Welles began returning to the year 2019 when Loki hit another control at CERN.

As Welles whizzed through the year 1968, he encountered a newspaper boy shouting, “Read all about it. Peter Sellers beats out a Canadian for the role of Hrundi V. Bakshi in the movie The Party.”

Welles went back momentarily to the year 1965 where Mel Brooks the Executive Producer of the TV series Get Smart was remarking, “I don’t even want that Drama teacher auditioning for this role never mind getting it,” as a KAOS villain shouts, “Not Claw, Craw!”.

Welles eventually landed back in 2019 where he arrived in the Set Mansion living room as Amadeus was watching the 2016 remake of The Rocky Horror Picture Show.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday September 21st
2019.

Permalink 29 Comments

Renfield Analyzes The Strange Affair of Justin Trudeau Brownface

September 18, 2019 at 10:48 pm (Commentary, Culture, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , )

Renfield Analyzes The Strange Affair of Justin Trudeau Brownface 

Self-righteous asshole and politically correct idiot and self-proclaimed culturally sensitive and racially sensitive Justin Trudeau caught wearing brown face at an Arabian Nights themed party back in 2001.

If this was Canadian Federal Conservative Party leader Andrew Scheer rather than the pampered Justin Trudeau who had done this, rest assured that the left-wing bozos in the news media as well as the CBC (which more properly stands for Canadian Bolshevik Corporation rather than Canadian Broadcasting Corporation) would be showing that photo of Scheer in every news story and every news broadcast until Election Day.

Of course the whining and snivelling mea culpa that Justin delivered tonight will be enough to satisfy many left-wing bozos and impotent bed wetter with a small penis Social Justice Warriors.

In defence of the younger Justin Trudeau and with raspberry for the older more politically correct and much more stupid older Justin Trudeau, he most likely did not do this with the intention of denigrating a culture but with the intention of portraying Aladdin as part of the Arabian Nights theme.

But the modern politically correct crowd who get their panties in a knot about absolutely everything imagine that everybody is like the Americans of the late 19th and early 20th Century who used blackface minstrel shows to denigrate the humanity of African-Americans.

Not everybody who dresses as a character in a tale from another culture wants to do this and these politically correct assholes who get their panties in a knot every time something like this happens need to be given the raspberry they so richly deserve before they turn Western society into an Orwellian 1984.

-Renfield R. Renfield MP
in a guest editorial 
for The Winston Smith Protagonist
Newspaper

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday September 18th
2019.

Permalink 31 Comments

Next page »