Haiku About Gina Lollobrigida R.I.₱.
₱ainting of The Countess Gina
Our Lady of Guadalu₱e
Saint Nicholas Night
The Cat People and The Wolfman
Simone Simon as Irena Dubrovna the black panther shapeshifting cat woman New York City based Serbian born and raised fashion illustrator who tore a psychiatrist to pieces with her claws
Father Aidan Bury Saint Edmunds the Vicar of Saint Genevieve’s Anglo-Catholic C. of E. Parish Church in West London was meeting with one of his parishioners the world-famous concert pianist Amadeus Emanon in his vicarage kitchen who was enjoying the homemade cinnamon buns made by Father Aidan’s housekeeper Mrs. Lancaster.
Amadeus Emanon was already on his 36th cinnamon bun.
“Do you suppose Mrs. Lancaster might make some more?” Amadeus asked as he looked at the now empty plate.
“Well I do believe it takes awhile to make those cinnamon buns,” Father Aidan Bury Saint Edmunds explained, “plus I think she’s currently busy listening to your friend British MP Renfield R. Renfield’s Wednesday night podcast.”
From upstairs in Mrs. Lancaster’s bedroom could be heard the voice of Renfield R. Renfield saying, “Wow. What a shocker. The cocaine snorting editors of Britain’s The Economist Magazine are calling for cocaine use to be legalized.”
“You know,” Amadeus helped himself to a gingerbread cookie man that Father Aidan Bury Saint Edmunds brought him from the refrigerator, “Renfield was telling me that Russian President Vladimir Putin hired a Siberian shaman to go to New York City and raise from the dead the body of the Serbian cat woman Irena Dubrovna. As Miss Dubrovna’s spirit has graduated from Purgatory to Paradise, she won’t be returning to her body. However a famous homicidally inclined Byzantine mermaid Echidna Antiochus who was put to death on the Byzantine Emperor Justinian I’s orders has had her spirit granted a dispensational release from the Underworld by Hades and has taken possession of Irena Dubrovna’s body.
She is going to Kiev Ukraine as an ally of Putin and will be using Irena Dubrovna’s body to turn into a black panther to rip apart bodies of Ukrainians because the demon Moloch appearing as Saint Michael the Archangel has told Vladimir Putin that it’s the right thing to do.”
“How horrifying,” Father Aidan Bury Saint Edmunds made the Sign of the Cross.
Father Aidan’s making the Sign of the Cross caused a Calvinist street preacher standing on the sidewalk outside the vicarage to drop dead.
“The thing is,” Amadeus scratched his head, “I always thought the 1942 film The Cat People starring Simone Simon was a work of fiction. I didn’t think it was based on a real incident and I didn’t think Irena Dubrovna was a real actual person.”
“Well, it turns out,” Father Aidan Bury Saint Edmunds checked out a passage in the Rev. Montague Summers’ unpublished work (written before he died) Occultic Folklore and Legend As Found In Film, “that there really was an Irena Dubrovna in the late 1930s and that what happened in the film was true.”
“Wow,” Amadeus Emanon walked over to the refrigerator and brought out the entire plate of gingerbread men cookies that he then started eating, “Next thing you know you’ll be telling me that there really was a werewolf called Larry Talbot and that the classic 1941 Universal Pictures monster horror film called The Wolfman that starred Lon Chaney Jr., Claude Rains and Evelyn Ankers was based on something that actually happened in real life.”
“Well, actually,” Father Aidan Bury Saint Edmunds cleared his throat, “I can tell you that Larry Talbot did actually exist and what happened in the 1941 film The Wolfman was true and I don’t need to consult the Rev. Montague Summers’ unpublished work Occultic Folklore and Legend As Found In Film to determine that. For it turns out my grandfather the Anglican clergyman Father Augustine Bury Saint Edmunds was the curate of Saint Magloire’s Church in Llanwelly Wales near Talbot Castle at the time Larry Talbot arrived in the village to flirt with Gwen Conliffe the daughter of the village antique shop owner and to get bitten by Bela the gypsy fortune telling werewolf.”
“Really?” Amadeus paused in the middle of eating his 6th gingerbread man cookie.
“Yes,” Father Aidan Bury Saint Edmunds nodded, “As an interesting postscript to the film which ended with Larry Talbot getting killed by his own wolf’s head silver cane walking stick wielded by Larry’s father Sir John Talbot, the Talbot Castle game keeper Frank Andrews (played by actor Patric Knowles in the film), who was Gwen Conliffe’s fiance, ended up getting killed by a wererabbit bunny rabbit that had apparently been originally bitten by Larry Talbot. After the Saint Magloire’s Church exorcism team made Welsh rarebit out of the Welsh wererabbit, after an appropriate period of mourning for the late departed Mr. Andrews, Gwen Conliffe ended up marrying the young curate Father Augustine Bury Saint Edmunds. So Gwen Conliffe is actually my grandmother.”
“Holy fuck,” Amadeus Emanon commented.
Mrs. Lancaster came down the stairs and washed Amadeus Emanon’s mouth out with soap.
. . .
Outside 10 Downing Street, Larry the 10 Downing Street cat was chasing away the Headless Horseman of Sleepy Hollow and his spectral black horse.
Inside 10 Downing Street, former British Prime Minister Boris Johnson was trying to convince current British Prime Minister Liz Truss to hire a witch doctor or shaman to raise the famous Wolfman werewolf Larry Talbot from the dead in the Llanwelly Village Cemetery in Wales and send him to eastern Ukraine to eat and devour Russian soldiers.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday October 12th
2022.
Gwen Conliffe (Evelyn Ankers) among the gypsies
Isabelle Rocher and The Ghost of Prof. James Moriarty
Isabelle Rocher or Brigitte Bardot?
The Dashwood Forrest Art Gallery in London was having a photo exhibit of original photos of European actresses.
On this particular early October evening (it had been exactly 3 years since the satanic AntiPope Jorge Mario Bergoglio aka Pope Francis had brought an idol of the demoness Pachamama into the Vatican Gardens to help open the Vatican Synod On The Amazon) it just so happened that the ghost of Prof. James Moriarty (Sherlock Holmes’ arch enemy) was wondering the streets of London.
Hades had granted Moriarty’s ghost a dispensational release from the Realm of the Underworld at the request of the demoness Pachamama.
Moriarty’s ghost noticed The Dashwood Forrest Art Gallery and decided to enter.
He stared intently at a photograph of noted French actress Brigitte Bardot.
He kept saying over and over again, “Isabelle Rocher, Isabelle Rocher.”
“No,” Dashwood Forrest the owner of the gallery approached the ghostly spectral leader, “That’s Brigitte Bardot the famous French actress.”
“She looks exactly like my French mistress Isabelle Rocher,” the brilliant mathematician and criminal mastermind was astounded at the resemblance, “although I never saw her wear a skirt that looked like that. If I had, I’d have probably got hornier and had sex with her a lot sooner.”
“When did this Isabelle Rocher live?” Dashwood Forrest inquired.
“Back in the 19th Century,” Moriarty replied.
“No not many women wore skirts that looked like that back in the 19th Century,” Dashwood Forrest admitted, “save possibly women who worked in the inside of bordellos.”
“I had fled to Latin America when she told me that she was pregnant,” Moriarty recalled, “And when I returned to France, I discovered that she had given birth to a son called Louis. They left Paris and went to the French countryside somewhere. I could never track them down. I saw Louis’ baptismal certificate and she had listed the father as unknown. So I imagine he took his mother’s last name for his own. Louis Rocher would have been his name.”
“There was a famous French scientist called Dr. Louis Rocher who was shot down and killed by the Red Baron the day before the Red Baron himself was shot down and killed,” Dashwood Forrest recalled.
“The Red Baron?” Moriarty’s ghostly face looked quizzical.
“I’ll explain the history later,” Forrest was familiar with entertaining the dead as he once had had an Irish zombie named Mulligan as a manservant.
“And did this Dr. Louis Rocher have any offspring?” Moriarty inquired.
“He did,” Forrest nodded, “In fact his great- grandson Dr. Cadbury Rocher is the chief scientist for Set Enterprises here in London.”
“I wonder who Louis Rocher’s wife was?” Prof. James Moriarty mused aloud.
“Sherrielock Holmes,” Forrest answered.
Moriarty’s jaw dropped, “Sherlock Holmes’ lesser known twin sister?”.
“That’s her,” Forrest nodded.
“You mean I have descendents that have both Holmes and Moriarty blood in them?” Prof. Moriarty was shocked out of his skull.
In fact Moriarty had carried his skull with him out of Hades and had now dropped it on the art gallery floor.
At that moment British MP Renfield R. Renfield and the quite literally immortal Sherrielock Holmes (she had once consumed Lingzhi supernatural mushrooms on one occasion that had made her immortal) entered the gallery.
“Prof. Moriarty!” Sherrielock exclaimed in surprise as she recognized the ghost.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday October 4th
2022.
Weird California Duo Calls For Saintly Canonization of Charles Manson
Actress Sharon Tate appears in an episode of The Beverley Hillbillies.
Sadly Miss Tate was one of 7 people to die in the murderous rampage carried out by brainwashed followers of homicidal hippy commune leader Charles Manson in California during the summer of ’69.
Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster was reading a waterproof library book on Sharon Tate and the Charles Manson Helter Skelter murders.
He then turned out the light and went to bed.
He then had a dream (or was it a vision?) of a weird California duo calling upon Pope Francis’ Vatican to canonize Charles Manson a saint.
The weird California duo was none other than California Gov. Gavin Newsom and his aunt-in-law Nancy Pelosi.
Said Gov. Newsom at a press conference, “I call upon Pope Francis and his Vatican to canonize Charles Manson a Saint.”
“Amen, hallelujah, nephew!” Shouted Nancy Pelosi.
Reporters of the mainstream media vigourously applauded Gov. Newsom after he made his announcement.
A reporter from Rebel News Canada however asked the question, “Why do you think Charles Manson should be canonized?”.
Members of the mainstream media and Gov. Newsom and Nancy Pelosi turned and scowled at the reporter from Rebel News Canada.
“Well as you know,” Gov. Newsom snarled, “According to the greatest oracle of our time Bill Gates, the world’s biggest problem is that there are too many people living on our planet. And Charles Manson killed people. Thus he was doing a tremendous favour for Mother Earth aka Gaia aka Pachamama.”
“Amen, hallelujah, nephew!” Nancy Pelosi exclaimed.
“Earlier this evening, I signed an Executive Order granting Charles Manson a posthumous pardon for what in those unenlightened times were considered crimes,” Newsom grinned while members of the mainstream media applauded and shouted with glee.
“Amen, hallelujah, nephew,” Nancy Pelosi batted her purple coloured eyelashes
“I have also asked the California State Legislature to pass a bill issuing a formal apology to Charles Manson for all those years the State of California so wrongly kept him behind bars,” Newsom went on.
“Amen, hallelujah, nephew,” Nancy Pelosi smiled oblivious to the fact that her wig was coming off.
Pelosi herself approached the podium, “I am going to introduce a resolution in the House of Representatives calling upon both Houses of Congress to call upon President Biden to sign an Executive Order calling upon Pope Francis and the Vatican to immediately canonize Charles Manson a Saint.”
“Amen, hallelujah, Aunt,” Gov. Gavin Newsom ejaculated behind her.
Nancy Pelosi wiped the back of her skirt.
They then smiled and waved at the cheering assembly of reporters.
Michelangelo’s dream (or was it a vision?) continued.
He was on a plane with an assemblage of reporters covering Pope Francis on one of his many plane trips.
Of course aboard a plane in front of reporters was where Pope Francis usually issued his stupidest statements.
Michelangelo wondered what the purpose of this particular plane trip was.
He read the statement from the Pope’s private secretary.
The plane was flying to the North Pole so Pope Francis could tell that jolly old elf Santa Claus and all his reindeer and toy making little elves to get on board and sign on the dotted line to sign up for the Astana Kazakhstan 7th InterFaith Congress Plan For A Global One World Religion.
So far the reporters aboard the plane had not yet read the private secretary’s statement as they were all sloshed out of their minds.
However the Cardinal accompanying the Pope on this trip had just read the travel statement written up by the Pope’s private secretary.
He grabbed the pontiff and hauled him into the washroom where he gently broke the news to Francis that there was no such thing as Santa Claus.
The Pope could be heard blubbering aloud and sobbing for the next 80 minutes.
The Cardinal told the media that the plane would be turning around and heading back to Rome.
Francis then told the press that he was now open to questions.
CNN’s Don Lemon asked Francis, “What do you think of California Gov. Gavin Newsom’s and House Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s call that Charles Manson should be immediately canonized?”.
“I think this is an excellent idea,” Francis grinned, “Charles Manson was a great man. He was all about free love and drugs and rock and roll. In this he reflected the values of the Aquarian Age. And according to former Dominican priest and current Episcopalian priest Matthew Fox and his witch medium Miriam Starhawk the Age of Aquarius officially began on December 21st 2020 just as the Coronavirus vaccines were about to roll out. And we need a Saint for this new Aquarian Age heralding the end of the Age of Pisces. Who better than Charles Manson?”.
“A follow up question,” said Lemon, “When will you canonize Charles Manson?”.
“Well I don’t think we need reports of a miracle performed in his name to get him canonized,” the Pope went on, “Requiring a miracle or miracles is so pre-Vatican II. We need to get up to date. I think I’ll canonize him tomorrow. I’ll declare him a Servant of God at 6:00 AM. Then I’ll declare him venerable (worthy of veneration) at 9:00 AM. Then I’ll beatify him (declare him blessed) at 12 Noon. Then I’ll canonize him (declare him a Saint) at 3:00 PM.”
“3:00 PM?” A reporter from Rebel News Canada piped up, “Wasn’t that the hour Christ died upon the Cross?”.
“I don’t know,” Francis shrugged, “Was it?”.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday September 18th
2022.
Renfield’s Podcast For Saturday July 23rd 2022
Ava Gardner appeared in British MP Renfield R. Renfield’s dreams
British MP Renfield R. Renfield was dreaming about Ava Gardner when his alarm clock went off.
“Darn,” Renfield turned off the alarm.
He looked at his watch.
Almost time for his live Saturday night podcast.
“Usually my late Saturday afternoon and early evening power naps aren’t so exciting,” Renfield sighed.
Renfield walked over to his desk.
“Good evening,” Renfield sat in front of his PC, “The despicable Mario Draghi has resigned as Prime Minister of Italy and new Parliamentary elections have been called. Hopefully Italians will now elect a government that’s opposed to the globalist policies of the World Economic Forum.”
Renfield went on to his next item, “The U.S. Navy has announced that it will start serving plant-based “meat” to its overseas service personnel as part of its efforts to fight climate change.”
Renfield then showed a video of Russian President Vladimir Putin laughing his head off.
“Between transgenderism and serving phony meat meant for wusses, the U.S. Armed Forces won’t have any real men left,” Renfield pointed out.
He then shows a video of Communist China’s paramount leader Xi Jinping rubbing his hands in glee.
“Over in Canada, Canadian farmers are showing their solidarity with Dutch farmers whose farms and livelihoods are being threatened by the pro-WEF Fascist/Corporatist government of Holland,” Renfield explained, “This is a video showing Canadian farmers driving their vehicles down an Ontario highway flying both the Dutch and Canadian flags on their vehicles and heading towards Ottawa where they will protest in front of the Dutch Embassy.”
Renfield then showed a photo of the Chief of Police of the Ottawa Police Service.
The man was seen sporting an Adolf Hitler haircut and an Adolf Hitler moustache.
“Meanwhile,” Renfield continued, “the Gestapo loving scumbags in the Ottawa Police Service say that motor vehicle protests aren’t allowed in Ottawa and violators will be arrested. Of course where in Canadian law or the Canadian Constitution does it say that motor vehicle protests aren’t allowed? Nowhere. Like Canada’s Neo-Stalinist tyrant Justin Trudeau and his Nazi/Communist hybrid hag henchwoman Chrystia Freeland, the Gestapo loving scumbags in the Ottawa Police Service are arbitrarily pulling made up laws out of their AIDS and monkeypox infested assholes. And of course no Leftist in North America is calling for the defunding of this group of clowns- a police service that actually deserves to be defunded. Whose members should all be fired and new recruits called in. Ones whose minds haven’t been destroyed by that mental veneral disease known as totalitarianism that seems to have infected the minds of the current members of the Ottawa Police Service.”
Renfield then concluded his podcast with a video showing Bill Gates eating filet mignon in an expensive restaurant while yacking into his smart phone about how the world’s lower classes need to start eating bugs and loving it.
Over at the Vatican, Pope Francis was in bed and dreaming about his upcoming visit to Edmonton.
Renfield went to bed and was once again dreaming of Ava Gardner.
She was reprising her 1951 film role of Pandora while James Mason as the Captain of The Flying Dutchman was telling her that he had once sailed his ship down the North Saskatchewan River in Alberta, Canada and had encountered a Demon Buffalo while doing so.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday July 23rd
2022.
Joe Biden Hopes To Outleap Jack Kennedy’s Giant Leap To The Moon
The photographer had travelled back in time to take her photo.
He had seen her in a dream.
But he knew that she was real.
And that she had actually lived.
In a time before him.
So he took the Tesla-Houdini-Pantages-Welles-Lamarr magic lantern film projector in his hand.
And went back to that time.
He got her to pose for him.
“I’ve never seen you before,” the woman said when the photo session was over.
“That’s because I come from another time,” he answered her.
The way he said it, she knew he spoke the truth.
And she gathered that he had come from the future.
“Why did you come to this time?” She asked.
“Because,” he answered, “I wanted to come to a time when women were women. And men weren’t.”
. . .
Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster had a vision of senile old fool Joe Biden making what he called an important announcement.
“An announcement,” a totally brown hair couloured Jen Psaki said, “that would be even more earth shattering than President John F. Kennedy’s May 25th 1961 address to a joint session of Congress in which he said he wanted to put a man on the moon by 1970.”
Joe Biden approached the podium wearing only a face mask.
And actually wearing ONLY a face mask.
A geriatric production of The Emperor’s New Clothes designed to turn heads and turn stomachs.
Biden then took off his face mask.
“Ladies and gentlemen and others,” Biden began, “I have an important announcement to make. Even more important than that Jack Kennedy guy’s speech where he wanted to put a man on the moon by 1970. I intend to make 90% of the American Armed Forces LGBTQ2s+ by the year 2030.”
One old timer watching at home on television whispered to another old timer, “I wonder if Stanley Kubrick will rise from the grave to direct this production the same way some people claim that he directed John F. Kennedy’s original dream.”
. . .
The pro-Sodom and Gomorrah government of Ireland in the Irish Republic’s capital of Dublin was absolutely thrilled by Biden’s historic announcement.
They commissioned the writing of a new Irish Army Fighting Song to celebrate the day.
One that was written by the end of the day.
The song was written to the tune of the old Tommy Makem and The Clancy Brothers song Bold O’ Donohue.
Here are some of the lyrics that were to be sung by the soldiers in the Irish Army,
“Oh I’m a puff and you’re a puff and he’s a puffter too
And everywhere we go, they say, Oh there’s O’ Donohue…”
. . .
Russian President Vladimir Putin watched Biden’s “historic” announcement and the 1st official singing of the new Irish Army Fighting Song on television along with his top Russian generals.
When the news clips were over, Putin gazed solemnly and sadly at each Russian general present in the room.
Finally he spoke.
“You know,” Putin sighed, “It’s finally dawned on me that the Ukrainians might not be the fierce ferocious fighters that they are had we allowed them to join NATO many years ago.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday March 29th
2022.
Dracul Van Helsing 
If Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson Lived In The 2020s
January 17, 2023 at 10:51 pm (Comedy, Comedy Skit, Commentary, Culture, Detective story, Geopolitics and International Relations, Humour, International Intrigue, Literature, News, Plays, Short play/ comedy) (Dr. John Watson, Inspector Lestrade of Scotland Yard, Sherlock Holmes)
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