Jane Austen Encounters Dracul Van Helsing Again

May 11, 2023 at 9:53 pm (Culture, Detective story, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, Literature, love, Romance, Science, Technology, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing talks to noted British author Jane Austen in an English country garden as the pair sit on a bench outside an English country cottage

Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing was taking a walk along a country path in that part of England associated with noted Regency era author Jane Austen.

The sky suddenly shifted from an extremely bright sunny one to a more cloudy but nevertheless pleasant looking evening anticipating the coming of a gentle rain.

Almost as if Dracul Van Helsing had encountered a vortex in time and had gone either forward or backward in time.

Suddenly Dracul Van Helsing recognized author Jane Austen wearing a pale lilac coloured nightgown and sitting on a bench in an English country garden outside an English country cottage.

Van Helsing had recently travelled back in time and had encountered a 28-year-old Jane Austen back in the spring of 1804.

“Hello, Mr. Van Helsing,” Jane smiled.

“Good evening, Miss Austen,” Dracul answered back.

The vampire hunter deduced that he must have again travelled back to the spring of 1804 when Jane Austen would have been 28.

Van Helsing sat down next to Jane Austen and the pair once again discussed art, literature, philosophy and life.

Jane asked Dracul about his strange looking modern attire.

“The period in which I come from has even stranger looking attire,” Van Helsing explained, “I live in an age where men think they’re women and women think they’re men.”

“My God,” Jane gasped.

“The age in which I live has the consciousness of the Void,” Dracul explained, “The inmates have taken over the asylum in my time and sanity and truth are regarded as crimes against the state and crimes against humanity.”

“Is there nothing good about your time?” Jane asked.

“Only when they make movies or TV series based on your books whether finished or unfinished,” Dracul replied.

Sanditon: A British TV series based on an unfinished novel by Jane Austen and the only good thing about the entire decade of the 2020s so far in Dracul Van Helsing’s opinion

“Nothing else good about the decade in which you’re currently living?” Jane inquired.

“Well, a friend of mine has developed computer software to help people with dyslexia,” Van Helsing answered.

Jane Austen had never heard of dyslexia.

Van Helsing explained that in the year 1877 the reading and spelling difficulties characteristic of dyslexia were first identified by Adolph Kussmaul a German professor of medicine.

His friend with dyslexia Timothy Wood was considered mentally disabled as a child and they wouldn’t let him enter the school system.

His grandmother however taught him to read using the King James Bible, The Complete Works of William Shakespeare and the novels of Sir Walter Scott.

Timothy Wood had once written a Jane Austen style Regency novel called The Sterley’s of Oakland Park which is available at


“My favourite line from the book,” Dracul recalled, “was about a woman whose cooking was so bad that it was said of her that if she had been a cook in Britain’s Royal Navy, she’d have been the most formidable weapon in Napoleon’s arsenal.”

“Sounds like a line I could have written,” Jane Austen laughed.

“It does,” Dracul agreed.

The dyslexia software that Timothy Wood developed is available at


Back in the year 2023, the former DARPA operative code named Hyperion Sturm has been brought back to DARPA to help out with a project he had developed.

The project was called Jefferey the Otter.

Jefferey was an actual otter that Hyperion Sturm had taught how to read and write.

Jefferey was used to read and translate (for he had been taught a dozen different languages) intelligence agency documents from all over the world.

Jefferey had two problems however.

He was dyslexic.

And he was an alcoholic.

Now thanks to Timothy Wood’s computer software for dyslexics (which is available at

http://www.pollyspeaks4u.co.za/ ) , Jefferey the Otter no longer has problems reading.

As for his alcoholism, well the otter had better join Alcoholics Anonymous.

Hyperion Sturm was brought to DARPA Headquarters for Jefferey the Otter had vanished.

Hyperion later found him in a strip bar drinking Green Minnow Beer alongside the great Irish-Jewish American science-fiction writer George Finneganburg who was drinking Ernest Hemingway’s own invented cocktail called Death In The Afternoon (which was a mix of Champagne and absinthe).

“I prefer these to Dr. Anthony Fauci’s vaccine booster shots if I have to go,” Finneganburg explained.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday May 11th

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Anne Boleyn’s Ghost Seen On Cornish Coast Today

May 8, 2023 at 9:52 pm (Detective story, Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, History, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , )

The ghost of Anne Boleyn (with her head re-attached) was seen on the coast of Cornwall in front of an alleged castle of King Arthur today

British MP Renfield R. Renfield had not been invited to the Coronation this past Saturday by His Majesty King Charles III as His Majesty personally disliked the man (even though Charles had sent him to a secret conference in Vienna last month to see if the MP could help negotiate a peace treaty between Russia and Ukraine).

As consolation, Paddington Bear (who was one of Charles’ aides-de-camp) had sent Renfield a jar 🏺 of his (Paddington’s) favourite marmalade since the bear did like Renfield.

As it was, it was just as well that Renfield didn’t attend the Coronation or any of the Coronation related events (such as the Windsor Castle concert) because Renfield was asked to engage in a paranormal investigation that day.

Apparently the ghost of Anne Boleyn (who was usually seen walking around the Tower of London carrying her head in her hands) was seen walking around the Tower of London with her head re-attached to the rest of her body.

The Archbishop of Canterbury Justin Welby (who was called Makeus Sickby by Canada’s leading archivist Jack Morrow and who was no longer recognized as head of the global Anglican Communion by the Bible believing Anglican Churches of Africa) was informed of the apparition.

However in addition to crowning Charles at the Coronation in Westminster Abbey (where he had trouble putting the Crown 👑 on Charles’ head), the Archbishop was also partaking in a same sex wedding blessing that day between two motor vehicles 🚗 🚗 who had rear ended one another on the M25 motorway.

Welby passed the investigation on to Father Aidan Bury Saint Edmunds the Church of England’s leading Exorcist.

Father Bury Saint Edmunds was also the Vicar of St. Genevieve’s Anglo-Catholic C. of E. Parish Church in West London (the Church that Amadeus Emanon attended).

As such Father Bury Saint Edmunds was friends with Renfield R. Renfield and invited him to partake in the investigation along with Amadeus.

Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing and the ghost of Orson Welles had just flown in from Los Angeles that day so they were invited to visit the Tower of London as well.

However despite spending all day and night at the Tower of London, the Fabulous 5 could spot no sign of the ghost of Anne Boleyn (with or without her head).

Today however, Monday May 8th 2023, the ghost of Anne Boleyn was spotted standing in front of Tintagel Castle on the Cornish coast.

Father Aidan Bury Saint Edmunds was unavailable to go down to Cornwall today as he had been called in to Exorcise two motor vehicles that had been recently blessed by Archbishop of Canterbury Justin Welby.

The vehicles were possessed by the demon Baphomet and the Emperor Hadrian’s deified homosexual lover Antinous respectively.

Amadeus Emanon was performing a concert at an inner city school in London.

And British MP Renfield R. Renfield was busy with his podcasts.

So Dracul Van Helsing and the ghost of Orson Welles had rented a 1965 Volkswagen Beatle from Avis Rent A Car in London and had driven down to Cornwall to see for themselves.

They listened to Renfield’s podcast as they drove.

Renfield was commenting on how Justin Trudeau was removing the Cross from atop the Crown in the new Canadian Royal Heraldic Coat of Arms for Canada in the wake of Charles’ coronation.

Renfield was currently doing an analysis of Justin Trudeau’s character.

Said Renfield, “Justin Trudeau is an impotent bedwetter with a small penis with all the recurring mental turmoil that emerges as a result of all that…”

Renfield then went on to address American political issues,

“Chelsea Clinton the facially aesthetically challenged daughter of Bill and Hillary says that unvaccinated children in America must be vaccinated with the mRNA vaccine with or without their parents’ consent…”

Van Helsing and Welles’ ghost arrived at Tintagel Castle.

They exited the car and walked up and down the coastline.

On their way back to Tintagel Castle, they came upon this sight:

Welles’ ghost said to Van Helsing, “Dracul, why don’t you go into the village of Tintagel and see if you can find a Church with Holy Water and bring the Holy Water back here in case we might need it.”

Van Helsing did just that.

When he returned, he found the ghost of Orson Welles making out with the ghost of Anne Boleyn.

“Egad!” Van Helsing cried out.

“Now you know how I feel when I stumble upon you making out with some woman,” Welles commented as he climaxed.

“My God, you’re no Justin Trudeau,” Anne Boleyn observed as she orgasmed.

“No, in the case of Justin Trudeau, it’s the Void,” Welles lit a cigar as he lay on the beach in post-coital bliss.

-A vampire novel chapter
Written by Christopher
Monday May 8th

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Aztec Vampire Princess Qonzilqointec On Cinco de Mayo 2023

May 5, 2023 at 9:15 pm (Detective story, Entertainment, Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, History, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec on Cinco de Mayo 2023.

It was Cinco de Mayo 2023.

And the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec was celebrating.

She was in the U.S. state of California since Cinco de Mayo wasn’t really a big holiday or celebration in Mexico 🇲🇽 itself other than the Mexican city of Puebla.

May 5th 1862 was the date of the Mexican Army’s victory over the French forces of Emperor Napoleon III at the First Battle of Puebla in the Mexican city of Puebla.

Behind the battle were two vampiresses.

One was the Aztec Vampire Princess Qonzilqointec who supported the Mexican Army and the other was the Paris based Egyptian vampiress Isis who supported the forces of Napoleon III.

They later met again in a hawthorn wooden stake after sunset showdown in the American Wild West town of Hayden Colorado (site of immortal dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes’ Wild Tomatoes 🍅 and Mushroom 🍄 Saloon) in the 1880s.

That contest resulted in a draw as well as the American Wild West’s first open heart surgery operation (to remove wooden splinters).

Today on Cinco de Mayo 2023 Qonzilqointec got her photo taken that was immediately made into a post card.

As Qonzilqointec leaned against the wall to get her photo taken, she immediately spotted an old friend of hers the Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing.

“What are you doing in Los Angeles?” Qonzilqointec asked Van Helsing.

“I’m here to see if I can talk the great Irish-Jewish American science-fiction writer George Finneganburg into finishing his science-fiction novel,” Van Helsing replied.

“And did you find Mr. Finneganburg?” The Aztec vampire princess inquired.

“No, his wife isn’t too sure what bar he would be in today,” Dracul answered, “although he apparently no longer frequents donut 🍩 shops unless he has the world-famous genetically created satyr Pan Goatee with him.”

At that moment George Finneganburg was in fact asleep 😴 💤 on the floor of one of the Los Angeles Public Libraries where children were stepping over him to attend Drag Queen Story Reading 📖 Hour.

“Egad, where’s Pan Goatee when you really need?” George exclaimed upon awakening and seeing a bunch of bearded drag queens within his sight.

Qonzilqointec and Van Helsing meanwhile passed another writer – a creative writing instructor who held the title for the world’s most colossally boring author.

He was reading his latest work to a Washington state Sasquatch at an outdoor cafe where the Sasquatch was fast asleep.

Other cafe patrons were busy committing hari kari as the colossally boring author with a PH Unbalanced shampoo hairstyle read.

Qonzilqointec and Van Helsing then retreated to his hotel room where they proceeded to make out.

Some time later the ghost of Orson Welles could be seen entering the hotel lobby.

He was wearing a pair of dark ghostly sunglasses 🕶️, a spectrally psychedelic t-shirt and a pair of ghostly ghastly Bermuda shorts 🩳.

“I bet Dracul will be surprised to see me,” Welles’ ghost commented as he entered the hotel elevator and hit the 5th floor button.

-A vampire novel chapter
Written by Christopher
Friday May 5th

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Sherrielock Holmes and Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

April 6, 2023 at 8:18 pm (Archaeology, Art, Art History, Detective story, Geopolitics and International Relations, Gothic romance, History, International Intrigue, love, Mythology, News, Photography, Romance, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

World famous London dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes the quite literally immortal twin sister of world famous London consulting detective Sherlock Holmes

Sherrielock Holmes the world famous London dominatrix was getting her photo taken by famous London photographer Murrell Haggarty.

Sherrielock Holmes was the quite literally immortal twin sister of world famous London consulting detective Sherlock Holmes.

Sherrielock had become immortal after eating a specially prepared bowl 🍲 of Lingzhi supernatural mushrooms back in the early 1890s.

She had offered some to her twin brother Sherlock but he had refused.

Thus Sherlock Holmes ended up kicking the bucket 🪣 🦶 in the 1930s.

When Dr. John Watson had approached his physician friend Arthur Conan Doyle about the proper way to market the exploits of his detective friend Sherlock Holmes, Doyle suggested that Watson publish the stories under his (Doyle’s) name.

That way many people might think that Sherlock Holmes was a fictional detective.

But those people who were helped by Holmes would realize that Sherlock was in fact a real life detective.

That would start endless speculation among the populace at large:

Was Sherlock Holmes fictional? Or was he real?

That enigmatic question Was Sherlock Holmes Man or Myth? would only lead to greater increase in the popularity of the Sherlock Holmes stories.

One thing Sherlock Holmes requested of the writing duo of Dr. John Watson and Sir Arthur Conan Doyle was that they not mention that Sherlock had a twin sister Sherrielock Holmes.

It was all right mentioning that Sherlock Holmes had an older brother named Mycroft who was a high ranking official in the British government of the day.

But don’t mention Sherrielock Holmes, Sherlock begged.

Watson did mention Sherrielock once, but like Basil Fawlty in relationship to mentioning the War, he got away with it.

The reason Sherlock Holmes did not want it known that he had a twin sister named Sherrielock Holmes was because Sherrielock was a professional dominatrix.

Worse yet a professional dominatrix who had once owned a bordello brothel saloon in a ruckus causing Wild West town in Colorado during the 1880s in the days of the American Wild West (Belvedere who later became famous as the ghost of a Ghost White Salamander had worked as a bartender for Sherrielock Holmes in that saloon during the days that he was a mortal human).

Having a sister (worse yet a twin sister) who was a professional dominatrix who had once owned an American Wild West bordello brothel saloon would have been extremely embarrassing to Sherlock Holmes had those facts become known publicly.

Although most members of the Victorian and Edwardian era British House of Commons and British House of Lords had heard of Sherrielock Holmes since they were among her most constant clients.

Her client list included many members of the British cabinet and several standing Prime Ministers (who really were standing after a session with her).

Sherrielock Holmes was also the immortal great-grandmother of Set Enterprises’ chief scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher.

Sherrielock had been married to a French scientist Dr. Louis Rocher for 25 years from 1893 to 1918.

It was Louis who had prepared the special dish of Lingzhi Supernatural Mushrooms that had made Sherrielock immortal.

Someday Louis said he would eat such a dish (making him immortal) but he said he was going to wait.

He waited too long because he, as a member of the RAF, was shot down and killed by the Red Baron Manfred von Richthofen on April 20th 1918 (the day before the Red Baron Manfred von Richthofen was himself shot down and killed on April 21st 1918).

British MP Renfield R. Renfield had discovered that Sherrielock’s late husband Dr. Louis Rocher had been an illegitimate son of Sherlock Holmes’ arch enemy Prof. James Moriarty.

Thus Set Enterprises’ Dr. Cadbury Rocher had both Holmes and Moriarty blood 🩸 in him with Sherlock Holmes having been his great uncle and Prof. James Moriarty his great great grandfather.

No wonder that Dr. Cadbury Rocher is the genius that he is.

Amadeus Emanon a friend of Sherrielock Holmes had been listening to his friend British MP Renfield R. Renfield’s podcast.

Renfield had been podcasting from Vienna where he was attending a conference on behalf of the British government.

The past couple of days on his podcasts Renfield had been talking about the legend of the curse of the mummy’s tomb of King Tut.

The legend had begun 100 years ago yesterday (April 5th 1923) after George Edward Stanhope Molyneux Herbert the 5th Earl of Carnarvon (the financier of Howard Carter’s expedition that discovered King Tut’s tomb) had died from a fatal mosquito bite.

The legend of the curse of the mummy’s tomb of King Tut had blasted off with full force 100 years ago today (April 6th 1923) when Sir Arthur Conan Doyle (the man the world believed to be the creator of Sherlock Holmes) said that “an evil elemental brought into being by Egyptian occultism or the spirit of Tut might have caused the death of Lord Carnarvon” the man who, along with Howard Carter, had opened the tomb of King Tut.

Said Doyle, “The Egyptians knew a great deal more about these things (occultism and spiritualism) than we do.”

Doyle added, “One does not know what elementals existed in those days and how long those elementals existed and what might be their force.”

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle pointed out that if “they (the Egyptians) could put these elementals on guard over their dead bodies, they would certainly have done so.”

Doyle concluded, “Therefore I think it quite possible that Lord Carnarvon may have met his death through one of these elementals.”

After listening to the Renfield podcasts on this subject, Amadeus Emanon went to see Sherrielock Holmes.

Sherrielock was being photographed.

Then she had an appointment.

After she had finished spanking the living daylights out of errant British actor Hugh Grant, she then spoke to Amadeus.

“Do you know anything of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s research into elementals?” Amadeus asked.

“No, I don’t,” Sherrielock answered in the negative as she adjusted her skirt, “This will have to be dry cleaned. That bastard Hugh came all over it.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday April 6th

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Artemis In The Wild

March 30, 2023 at 8:07 pm (Detective story, Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, Gothic, Gothic romance, History, International Intrigue, love, Mythology, News, Romance, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Greek goddess Artemis in front of a small creek waterfall

“I don’t think there are any fish in this creek are there?” The ghost of Orson Welles asked as they trudged up the rocky walk of the trickling creek.

“No, this water really isn’t deep enough for fish,” Dracul Van Helsing answered.

“Then why were the fishermen who reported sirens (the women of mythology who inhabit waters and draw sailors and fishermen to their deaths) fishing here?” Welles asked.

“I think they’re heavy cannabis users and imagined fish in this trickling stream,” Van Helsing replied.

“Then couldn’t they have imagined seeing a siren as well?” Welles pulled a spectral bottle of spectral red wine 🍷 out of his spectral picnic 🧺 basket and poured himself a glass.

“Yes, that is my Sherlockian analysis as well,” Dracul agreed, “Yet when Paddington Bear called me to say that His Majesty King Charles III was concerned about the possibility of sirens being in a stream he occasionally likes to wander and roam, Paddington asked to make sure there are no sirens present.”

“Is that why you’ve brought along your crossbow and silver arrows?” Welles asked as he ate a spectrally large chicken 🍗 drumstick.

“Exactly,” Van Helsing nodded.

“Couldn’t you just make out with a siren the same way you usually make out with a Vampiress or goddess?” Welles delicately wiped his spectral beard with his spectral napkin.

“Well, judging from Odysseus’ experience mentioned in Homer’s Odyssey, sirens are quite deadly and can’t be messed with,” Van Helsing took a sip of ale from his canteen, “and the stories of the Lorelei who sits and sings atop a rock in the Rhine River of Germany had the same deadly effect on sailors there according to legend, poem and folk song.”

“How did the sirens come to be?” Welles asked.

“Well according to the 1st Book of Enoch,” Dracul recounted, “The women who had sex with the Watcher angels and bore giants in the earth before Noah’s Flood came, they were turned into sirens.”

“Maybe you should have worn an angel costume,” Welles speculated aloud.

“Now you tell me,” Dracul smiled.

Suddenly Dracul and Welles heard a lovely singing coming from further up the trickling stream.

They climbed up and encountered the Greek goddess Artemis.

“That’s no siren,” Dracul smiled, “That’s the goddess Artemis.”

Welles’ ghost was reminded of a story Renfield R. Renfield had related about Bill Clinton when he was Governor of Arkansas. The governor had been seen checking into a cheap out of the way motel with some woman and the next day Clinton was asked, “Who was that lady you were with last night?” and Clinton replied, “That was no lady. That was my wife.”

In the meantime, Dracul Van Helsing was making out with the Greek goddess Artemis.

“Maybe we should have run into a siren,” Welles sighed.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday March 30th

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The Feast of The Beast 2023

March 23, 2023 at 10:09 pm (Detective story, Espionage, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, Romance, Spy Tales, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

Back in 1955 the Greek goddess Artemis was in possession of the silver arrow of Chiron the centaur

Attending a Chiron the Centaur exhibit at the British Museum in March 1955, the Greek goddess Artemis had the silver arrow of Chiron the Centaur in her purse.

Artemis exited her vehicle to walk to the British Museum.

A female Soviet KGB agent who was a master pickpocket stole the silver arrow of Chiron the Centaur.

It was taken to Moscow where it was placed in the KGB Archives but lost by one KGB Archivist Harry Wooismeovich.

For his efforts, Harry Wooismeovich was shot by firing squad under orders by Nikita Khrushchev.

Harry Wooismeovich’s last words were “Oh, who’s Winston Churchill?” in answer to a British government telegram for clemency and “Woo is me!” in answer to being shot.

The silver arrow of Chiron the Centaur was thus lost to history.

Causing the Set Enterprises Intelligence Unit to face a dilemma on March 23rdrd 2023.

Every March 23rd was the Feast of The Beast for some dark magic practicing occultic secret societies.

Among the dark deities venerated by these occultic secret societies was Apophis the Egyptian god of chaos and darkness.

Once long ago in the mists of antiquity it was the case that every night Apophis would attack the solar barge of Ra the Egyptian god of light and the sun.

The Egyptian god Set would come to Ra’s aid every night and defeat Apophis.

In those days Set was considered a hero and a good guy.

He only became a villain to history after cutting up his brother Osiris into 14 pieces (even though Osiris was the Egyptian Justin Trudeau of his day and most likely deserved what he got).

Miranda Singh of the Set Enterprises Intelligence Unit had discovered that one dark magic occultic secret society would be sacrificing a ghost of all things on this particular Feast of the Beast.

And the ghost would be sacrificed down in Cornwall to prevent a descendant of King Arthur from rising to power on the world stage and instead allow a descendant of Mordred to rise to power on the world stage.

King Arthur had been born at Tintagel Castle in Cornwall and the sacrifice of the ghost would be performed at Tintagel Castle.

A ghostly sacrifice rather than a human sacrifice was necessary to enact a major geopolitical event.

And the ghost chosen for the Tintagel Castle Cornwall sacrifice was none other than the ghost of Belvedere the Ghost White Salamander who was a personal friend of Sherrielock Holmes (Sherlock Holmes’ quite literally immortal twin sister), Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing, British MP Renfield R. Renfield and the ghost of Orson Welles.

Belvedere the ghost of the Ghost White Salamander had been waylaid in London’s Highgate Cemetery last night by Persephone the Greek goddess of the Underworld and a rag tag group of Breton korrigans.

The ghostly sacrifice would be performed by a demon possessed elk who had been given as a gift to Archbishop of Canterbury Justin Welby by the U.S. Federal Cabinet of Joe Biden in appreciation for his support of gay and transgender rights.

Apparently the only way of slaying a demon possessed elk was to kill it with a silver arrow.

After a brief meeting of the Set Enterprises Intelligence Unit in which the Rev. Father Aidan Bury Saint Edmunds (the Anglo-Catholic Vicar of St. Genevieve’s Church in West London and the Church of England’s leading exorcist who tried to exorcise Italian historian Roberto de Mattei the only known person (so far) to have become demonically possessed as a result of receiving the DeathVaxx vaccine) served as an advisor, it was agreed that the most effective way of slaying this demonically possessed elk was to use the silver arrow of Chiron the Centaur.

Which was lost to history.

So Dracul Van Helsing and the ghost of Orson Welles using the Tesla-Houdini-Pantages-Welles-Lamarr magic lantern projector went back in time to steal the silver arrow of Chiron the Centaur from the Greek goddess Artemis before Nikita Khrushchev’s acclaimed pickpocket female KGB agent had the chance to do so.

Dracul saw Artemis exiting her vehicle on the night of the Chiron the Centaur Exhibit at the British Museum:

Van Helsing immediately grabbed the arrow.

Artemis said, “Dracul, how dare you steal the silver arrow of Chiron the Centaur?”.

She immediately grabbed Van Helsing, took him over her knee and spanked him.

While being spanked, Dracul threw the silver arrow to the ghost of Orson Welles who went forward in time to the place of Tintagel Castle in Cornwall on the night of Thursday March 23rd 2023.

Van Helsing then made love 💕 to the Greek goddess Artemis on the large luxurious back seat of the classic 1950s era vehicle.

After goddess and vampire hunter had finished rocking the vehicle, Dracul went forward in time to Tintagel Castle in Cornwall on the night of Thursday March 23rd 2023.

He grabbed his crossbow and the silver arrow of Chiron the Centaur from the ghost of Orson Welles.

The Celtic stag god Cernunnos had already been killing with his crossbow and silver arrows various supernatural entities participating in the ceremony.

For reasons known only to himself, the Celtic stag god did not wish to see a descendant of Mordred ascend to power on the world stage.

The demon possessed elk was raising the supernatural sword 🗡️ Excalibur above the ghostly spectral salamander throat of Belvedere the Ghost White Salamander.

Both Cernunnos and Van Helsing fired their crossbows at the same time.

After a silver arrow pierced the demon possessed elk’s throat, the elk said in Latin in Shakespearian Julius Caesar like fashion, “And thou, Cernunnos? Or was it thou, Dracul?.”

Even Cernunnos’ PH Unbalanced hairstylist didn’t know for sure.

Thus it was a question/answer never asked on the Canadian-American game show ghost host Alex Trebek’s TV program Jeopardy in the Elysian Fields of the Realm of the Underworld.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday March 23rd

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The A₱ostate Bisho₱ and The Ghosts of MacBeth and Lady MacBeth

January 26, 2023 at 8:07 pm (Detective story, Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, International Intrigue, News, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

Michelangelo the ₱sychic Lobster was in his aquarium at Set Enter₱rises Laboratories in London, England.

  • He had a ₱ack of water₱roof ₱laying cards on the aquarium floor and was ₱laying a game of underwater Solitaire.
  • From the nearby office of Set Enter₱rises Associate Scientist Dr. Marmalade Montague, the radio was ₱laying and the voice of Karen Car₱enter could be heard singing, “He’s ₱laying solitaire…”
  • Michelangelo lost yet another game of underwater Solitaire.
  • He ₱ut his ₱laying cards away and went into a trance.
  • Brought about by the ribbiting of Harry Houkalaila the Hy₱notic Frog outside the Set Enter₱rises Building.
  • While in the trance, Michelangelo had a vision of Raymond Leo Cardinal Burke and Bisho₱ Athanasius Schneider the Auxiliary Bisho₱ of Astana Kazakhstan dying suddenly.
  • As both were unvaccinated, the vaccines were not res₱onsible.
  • The mystically inclined crustacean then had a vision of the ghosts of MacBeth and Lady MacBeth walking around the Vatican dis₱ensing homicidal advice.
  • Then Michelangelo had a vision of the satanic Anti₱o₱e Jorge Mario Bergoglio telling a television interviewer, “Murder is not a crime…”
  • -A vam₱ire novel cha₱ter
  • written by Christo₱her
  • Thursday January 26th
  • 2023.

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  • The Mystery of The Em₱ty Gas Tanks

    January 20, 2023 at 11:11 pm (Detective story, Geopolitics and International Relations, Humour, International Intrigue, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

    British M₱ Renfield R. Renfield was driving his vintage antique 1909 Thomas Flyabout.

  • As he was driving, he noticed a broken down 1999 Vauxhall Omega.
  • Standing alongside it was British ₱rime Minister Rishi Sunak.
  • “Mr. ₱rime Minister,” Renfield called out, “What ha₱₱ened?”.
  • “I forgot to fill u₱ with ₱etrol,” the ₱rime Minister grinned shee₱ishly, “and now my car has run out.”.
  • “Get in,” Renfield o₱ened the ₱assenger side door, “I’ll give you a lift.”
  • Suddenly a coughing and a s₱uttering could be heard from the engine of the Flyabout.
  • “Did you remember to get ₱etrol?” The ₱rime Minister asked.
  • “Maybe not,” Renfield answered.
  • Renfield drove around in circles trying to find a gas station.
  • Finally he decided to sto₱ to ask for directions. “Maybe those ladies u₱ ahead there know where a ₱etrol station is?” Renfield mused aloud:
  • “Um…. Renfield,” ₱rime Minister Sunak said with some alarm, “I think those are…”
  • Suddenly a flashing light and the sound of a siren could be heard coming from the motor vehicle behind Renfield’s.
  • . . .
  • “Your Majesty,” ₱addington Bear entered the study of His Majesty King Charles III, “Your ₱rime Minister the Right Honourable Mr. Rishi Sunak and controversial British M₱ Renfield R. Renfield have both been arrested by Scotland Yard and charged with soliciting for ₱rostitutes.”
  • “Good God,” His Majesty exclaimed.
  • “Good void,” His Majesty’s atheistic toy soldier Nutcracker (that the King had got as a Christmas ₱resent this ₱ast Christmas) exclaimed.
  • “At least this time the ₱rime Minister was wearing his seat belt,” the King’s new Swiss Cuckoo Clock bird chimed in.
  • -A vam₱ire novel cha₱ter
  • written by Christo₱her
  • Friday January 20th
  • 2023.

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  • If Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson Lived In The 2020s

    January 17, 2023 at 10:51 pm (Comedy, Comedy Skit, Commentary, Culture, Detective story, Geopolitics and International Relations, Humour, International Intrigue, Literature, News, Plays, Short play/ comedy) (, , )

  • Actress Mary ₱ickford in the early 1920s: I wonder what Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson would be doing if they lived 100 years from now?
  • Scene: An unvaccinated Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are living in London at 221B Baker Street in the 2020s.
  • Holmes is smoking a ₱i₱e and reading an angry letter written to him by Canada’s Neo-Stalinist tyrant Justin Castro “Sauron’s feces” Trudeau.
  • In the letter the ₱om₱ous and arrogant ₱i₱squeak of a ste₱son of Marxist existentialist ₱henomenologist ₱ierre Elliot Trudeau (who when alive fancied himself the ₱latonic ideal ruler of the Cosmos causing the Cosmos to vomit forth cosmic vomit for the first time in cosmic history) lambasted Holmes for being “racist, sexist, misogynistic and white su₱remacist for refusing to take the vaccine”.
  • Holmes blew smoke castles in the air after ₱utting the letter down, ₱icking u₱ his violin and ₱laying the Joni Mitchell song Both Sides Now on it.
  • When he had finished ₱laying, Holmes qui₱₱ed, “I wonder if the well roasted ghost of Karl Marx’s favourite fairy little ferret u₱ in Canada is aware that my mother was a Iban woman from Malaysia.”
  • “I doubt it very much, Holmes,” Watson coughed into his Earl Grey tea, “I don’t think Justin is very much aware of anything exce₱t his own hot air.”
  • “I do believe you’re right, Watson,” Holmes started drumming his fingerti₱s on his arm chair.
  • “Another rising young football star in Africa has just died suddenly and unex₱ectedly with no a₱₱arent cause,” Watson read a news₱a₱er headline.
  • Holmes: Ins₱ector Lestrade of Scotland Yard would say it’s not the vaccine.
  • “And a 20 year old U.S. Army College Football ₱layer has just died suddenly and unex₱ectedly with no a₱₱arent cause,” Watson read another headline.
  • Holmes: Lestrade would say it’s not the vaccine.
  • “Then,” Watson recalled, “There was Buffalo Bills football ₱layer Damar Hamlin who suffered cardiac arrest in front of millions of television viewers.”
  • Holmes: Lestrade would say it’s not the vaccine.
  • Watson si₱₱ed on a brandy, “Then of course there was Lisa Marie ₱resley’s sudden and unex₱ected death.”
  • Holmes: Lestrade would say it’s not the vaccine.”
  • Suddenly there was a violent ₱ounding and knocking at the door of 221B Baker Street.
  • A young ₱olice constable entered.
  • “Mr. Holmes, Dr. Watson,” the young constable’s face was ashen white, “Ins₱ector Lestrade has died suddenly and unex₱ectedly down at Scotland Yard.”
  • “I su₱₱ose his last words were it’s not the vaccine,” Holmes remarked.
  • “My God, Mr. Holmes,” the young constable’s jaw dro₱₱ed, “How did you know those were his last words?”.
  • -A comedy skit
  • written by Christo₱her
  • Tuesday January 17th
  • 2023.

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  • Saint Nicholas Night

    December 6, 2022 at 11:10 pm (Culture, Detective story, Folklore, History, Mythology, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

  • A woman waits by the chimney on Saint Nicholas Night the evening of December 6th 1927
  • Nicole Iversen waited by a chimney on the evening of December 6th 1927.
  • Her father was Danish and her mother was Russian.
  • She had been born in Co₱enhagen in 19O5.
  • She, along with her ₱arents, had moved to the U.S. in 192O.
  • Her mother had been in contact with relatives in Russia and had come to fear that Leon Trotsky’s Soviet Red Army would move west and conquer all of Western Euro₱e including the Scandinavian countries.
  • So they moved to New York City in that year of 192O.
  • The ₱otential Soviet Red Army conquest of Western Euro₱e ended with the defeat of Soviet Red Army forces by ₱olish Chief of State and Army commander Marshal Josef ₱ilsudski during the Miracle On The Vistula at the Battle of Warsaw on August 16th 192O.
  • Of course at the time Mr. and Mrs. Iversen moved to New York City in early 192O, they had no way of knowing that the commander of the Army of a re-emergent nation (₱oland had arisen from the ₱ost World War I ashes of the Austro-Hungarian and Russian Em₱ires on November 22nd 1918) would defeat the vastly better equi₱₱ed and vastly greater man₱ower Soviet Red Army during the late summer of 192O.
  • Being half Russian, Nicole Iversen knew that the tradition of Saint Nicholas bringing ₱resents took ₱lace on the evening of December 6th (Saint Nicholas Night) rather than December 24th (Christmas Eve).
  • The tradition of Saint Nicholas bringing ₱resents on Christmas Eve originated with Santa Claus a Dutch-American version of Saint Nicholas (the original 4th Century bisho₱ of Myra in Asia Minor who lived from March 15th 27O AD to December 6th 343 AD) back in 19th Century New England.
  • But the original Eastern Euro₱ean tradition was Saint Nicholas brought ₱resents on the night of Saint Nicholas’ Day (December 6th).
  • In ₱arts of Western Euro₱e such as Bavaria, Austro-Hungary and the North and South Tyrol, Saint Nicholas delivered ₱resents on Saint Nicholas’ Eve (December 5th the evening before Saint Nicholas’ Day) which was also known as Kram₱usnacht or Kram₱us Night. Because on that night, Saint Nicholas was said to be accom₱anied by Kram₱us a goat demon. While Saint Nicholas brought gifts to good children, Kram₱us whi₱₱ed the bad children with his whi₱ and in some cases ₱ut them in huge sacks and carried them down to Hell.
  • But in the Russian Orthodox tradition, Saint Nicholas was said to bring ₱resents on the night of December 6th (the evening of his Feast Day).
  • However since the Russian Orthodox tradition followed the Julian calendar rather than the Gregorian calendar (which is a difference of 13 days), Saint Nicholas Night is celebrated on December 19th (on the Gregorian calendar) which is the traditional date for it to be celebrated on in most Slavic Eastern Orthodox Churches.
  • However since Nicole Iversen’s father was a Danish Lutheran, he celebrated Saint Nicholas Night on the evening of December 6th on the Gregorian calendar.
  • And since her mother had lived in the West, first in Denmark and then in America, she too celebrated Saint Nicholas Night (the evening in which Saint Nicholas brought gifts) on the evening of December 6th on the Gregorian calendar.
  • And so on this evening of December 6th 1927, a 22-year-old Nicole Iversen waited by a chimney on a roofto₱ for Saint Nicholas to show u₱.
  • And much to her sur₱rise, he did.
  • Although the bisho₱ who showed u₱ in a flying mechanical sleigh ₱ulled by 8 flying mechanical reindeer was Russian Orthodox Bisho₱ Nicholas of Tobolsk, Siberia, Russia who fled Russia after the Red October Bolshevik Revolution of 1917 and who now lived in exile in Athens Greece.
  • Bisho₱ Nicholas of Tobolsk was friends with an Athens based eccentric Greek inventor named Kristo₱heros Mylonas.
  • Mylonas had invented a mechanical sleigh and had 8 mechanical reindeer at the front of it.
  • The inventor wondered if it could fly.
  • Bisho₱ Nicholas of Tobolsk volunteered to see if he could fly it.
  • And he would try it on the Western Saint Nicholas Night (the evening of December 6th).
  • After ₱raying to God and asking for the ₱rayerful intersession of Saint Nicholas of Myra, Bisho₱ Nicholas of Tobolsk took off from an Athens roofto₱.
  • Kristo₱heros Mylonas’ contra₱tion could fly all right.
  • It reached the roofto₱ of a house in a small village in u₱state New York state where it was seen by Nicole Iversen.
  • -A vam₱ire novel cha₱ter
  • written by Christo₱her
  • Tuesday December 6th
  • 2O22.

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