Just Another Day In Paradise

April 11, 2021 at 10:21 pm (Detective story, Film, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, Mystery, News, Poetry, Politics, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

“I didn’t expect you to be back so soon,” the woman smiled at Carson Cody Albion Private Eye as she sat on the stairs leading up to his apartment.

The year was 1950.
“Do I know you?”
Albion inquired
After the woman greeted him on the stairs.

“Sadly, we’ve never met before,” the woman continued to smile at him.
“Are you a widow?” Albion asked her, “I notice you’re wearing a black dress and a black veil.”
“I am wearing what you say,” she continued to smile, “But I’m also wearing white flowers in my hair.”
“And wearing a smile,” Albion noted.
“That too,” the woman laughed.
“So you’re not a recent widow?” Albion asked.
“I am a recent widow,” the woman nodded, “but only in the stage play I’m acting in. I murdered my husband. I am a villainess… in the play.”

“Oh,” was Albion’s response as he rolled himself a cigarette.
“I walked direcly from the playhouse to here without stopping to change,” the woman explained.
“And who are you in real life?” Albion asked.
“My name is Sherrielock Holmes,” the woman answered.
“The name sounds familiar,” Albion lit his cigarette.
“Sherlock Holmes was my twin brother,” the woman lifted her veil and accepted a cigarette from Albion.
“But he’s dead and he’d be almost 100 if he was alive and…” Albion did not finish the sentence.
“I’m alive and I’m immortal,” the woman accepted a light.
“That explains everything,” Albion blew out the match.

“It does,” Sherrielock smiled.
“Do you wish to hire me?” Albion sat on a step below her.
“I do,” Sherrielock smiled.
“For what purpose?” Albion wanted to know.
“To investigate Richard M. Nixon,” Sherrielock answered.
“The presumed Republican Party candidate for U.S. Senator from California this year?” Albion took a bottle of bourbon from his coat pocket and took a sip.
“Yes,” Sherrielock nodded.
“Why?” Albion wanted to know.
“To see why Mei-ling Manchu is interested in him,” Sherrielock raised the hem of her skirt.
“Mei-ling Manchu?” Albion blew smoke rings.
“She’s a vampiress and a member of the CCP,” Sherrielock stated.
“CCP?” Albion was quizzical.
“Chinese Communist Party,” Sherrielock smiled, “Not Coca-Cola Playtime.”
“That’s good,” Albion raised his fedora, “Because I hear Nixon drinks Pepsi.”
“And here I was going to offer Tahiti Treat,” Sherrielock laughed.
“What’s Tahiti Treat?” Albion wasn’t familiar with that beverage.

“Well,” Sherrielock spoke breathlessly, “Why don’t we go up to your apartment and I’ll show you?”.
“Now there’s an offer I can’t refuse,” said Albion.

A young actor named Marlon Brando cast a glance up the stairwell.

Now there was a line he’d like to be able to use someday or a line like it.

-A Carson Cody Albion narrative poem
and vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday April 11th
2021.

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An Intersection of Time

April 10, 2021 at 10:58 pm (Vampire novel, Poetry, The Supernatural, Movies, Music, Ghost Story, Romance, Film, love) (, , , , )

The year was 1929.
The bride was waiting for the wedding to begin.
She looked behind her.
And noticed one of the candles had burnt out.
Was this an omen she wondered?
Was she making the right decision?
Was her life about to become like that burnt out candle?

2021.
Amadeus Emanon was standing on the stage of an empty nightclub.
The nightclub was closed due to Boris Johnson’s lockdown.
But Amadeus felt at his best when performing on a stage.
He may not be able to sing to people in the club.
But he felt he was able to sing to ghosts.
The ghosts of the past.
The ghosts of the present.
And the ghosts of the future.

The ghosts of the present.
People alone and isolated.
And fading away
Under an iron curtain
That had descended all across the globe.

The ghosts of the future
If there was a future
Those whose anguished cries could not reach the present
As the darkness fell
And everything was void
and waiting for that moment
Of the spoken Word,
“Let there be light.”

Ghosts of the past.
In a distant theatre box
Amadeus saw a woman in silhoutte
A bride
Looking back at a burnt out candle
Silent
Apprehensive
As if she was looking at an omen.

Amadeus began to sing
And sang to the woman
To the bride…

Moon River, wider than a mile
I’m crossing you in style someday
Oh dream maker
You heartbreaker
Where ever you’re going I’m going your way
Two drifters off to see the world
There’s such a lot of world to see
We’re after the same rainbow’s end
Waiting round the bend
My huckleberry friend
Moon River and me.

Amadeus lowered his head
The song was finished
The spot light was fading
And it was as if the singer
Was waiting for the applause

That never came.

The bride listened
She had never heard the song
And probably would not again
Unless on some far off 1961 morning
She had breakfast at Tiffany’s

But the song gave her courage
And inspired her to walk down the aisle
And grasp the hand of her love
Her huckleberry friend
Two drifters off to see the world
Because
there’s such a lot of world to see

The moon came through
Shining through the stained glass window
Depicting the Jordan River
And at this nighttime service
It shone brightly
On the spot
Where the one candle had burnt out

In the far off distance
Amadeus’ voice carried through time,
“Moon River and thee.”

-A poem and vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday April 10th
2021.

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Michelangelo’s Dream of Bogey and Bacall

March 27, 2021 at 10:34 pm (Detective story, Entertainment, Film, History, Humour, Poetry, Romance, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster had a dream where he was playing Humphrey Bogart’s character of Philip Marlowe and having an encounter with Lauren Bacall.

After waking up, he decided to write a narrative poem about his dream.

He went over to his waterproof laptop to start writing but then decided to use his recently bought old vintage Underwood typewriter that had been custom refurbished to work underwater.

Grabbing some waterproof sheets of paper, he inserted them into his waterproof old vintage Underwood typewriter and started typing the poem.

Bogey and Bacall: Philip Marlowe’s Right On The Ball
A narrative poem
By Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster
Narrated in the First Person
By Philip Marlowe
(As played by Humphrey Bogart)

So I had come home after a hard day on the case
Rather difficult to try to sleep on a case of bourbon
I did do some work on that other case
Trying to find Max Spellbein’s younger daughter
Where do younger daughters hang out these days anyways?

I went down to Frankie’s Jazz Cafe
The Pink Flamingo Lounge
And even The Silverstar Nightclub
Nothing.
No sign of her.

I even went down to the bus depot and the shipyard
Her ship must have sailed when my bus came in
Does that make any sense?
Probably not.
Difficult to make sense
When one’s mind is adrift
In a sea of bourbon.

I lit a cigarette
Put it in my mouth
And made a silent prayer
That this combination of alcohol and flame
Didn’t send me up like a rocket on New Year’s Eve.

I thought I heard piano music coming from my piano
Which was strange
I rarely play the piano these days
Not since I got my fingers caught in that mousetrap
Under the altar of Saint Ignatius’ Church
When I said to the good priest,
“Pray it again, Sam.”

After sitting in my chair
Looking up at the ceiling
And watching the paint dry
It suddenly hit me
That I hadn’t painted this place in ages
So there was no drying paint to watch

That was definitely music I was hearing
So either someone was playing the piano
Or the angels were calling me

So I walked into the piano room
And there at the piano
Sat Max Spellbein’s elder daughter

Lauren Bacall: Playing the piano and singing, “When smoke gets in your eyes…”

I stood there
Inhaled the air from the open window
And realized I wouldn’t be spending the night alone.

-A narrative poem
and vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday March 27th
2021.

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Star-Crossed Leprechaun

March 11, 2021 at 11:43 pm (Espionage, Film, Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, History, International Intrigue, Movies, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

“Darling, darling, what is it you saw?” Parker Andrewes asked his wife Claire.

“Perhaps Madame Andrewes would like a cup of tea?” Bela the butler put a tea tray down on the table next to the lounging chair where Claire Andrewes had collapsed after looking out the window.

“Tea would be nice,” said Claire.

“Darling, what was it you saw?” Parker Andrewes asked his wife again.

“A leprechaun,” Claire replied.

“A leprechaun?” Parker Andrewes was stunned by the reply.

“You mean like the wee green folk who live in Ireland?” Bela inquired.

“Yes,” Claire nodded.

Our story begins several hours earlier in the year 2021 at 10 Downing Street in London.

“And what did you say your name was again?” British Prime Minister Boris Johnson asked his bald headed guest with the big fangs protruding over his mouth.

“Count Nosferatu,” the bald headed man with big fangs answered.

“Count Nosferatu?” Johnson removed some scrambled eggs that had been caught in his hair, “You mean like Count Dracula?”.

“No, Count Nosferatu like the 1922 German silent film Nosferatu starring Max Schreck,” the bald headed vampire answered, “Although his name was Count Orlok in the film but mine is Nosferatu. That’s because I was the world’s first Nosferatu.”

“What’s the difference between Nosferatu and other vampires?” Johnson removed some slices of bacon caught in his hair.

“Nosferatu are bald headed vampires,” Count Nosferatu replied.

“Really?” Boris Johnson started washing his hair with Johnson’s Baby Shampoo, “I hope that won’t happen to me. The ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith turned me into what she called a zombie nosferatu. I hope this doesn’t mean I’m going to go bald.”

“Many zombies still have hair,” Count Nosferatu reflected, “so perhaps you’ll be more zombie than nosferatu.”

“Gosh, I certainly hope so,” Johnson started drying his hair with heat from a toaster he held upside down over his head.

“I think someone’s filming us,” Count Nosferatu pointed to the potted plants on the stand outside the 2nd floor balcony window.

“It must be the blasted members of the press again,” Johnson seethed, “I’m going to settle this once and for all. I’m going to moon them.”

Johnson pulled his trousers and boxer shorts down.

He then turned around and bent over.

Yaldabaoth the Irish leprechaun was standing in the potted plants filming the Boris Johnson-Count Nosferatu meeting on behalf of Peter Whitstable the man they call the Fox Mulder of Interpol.

He was startled by the sight of Boris Johnson mooning him.

So much so that he pushed the wrong button on his Houdini-Tesla-Pantages-Welles-Lamarr Magic Lantern Film Projector and Camera.

The device could also serve as an instrument for time travel.

Yaldabaoth wound up in the year 1939 on the Parker Andrewes Estate near Watertown New York.

Claire Andrewes happened to be looking out the Andrewes mansion window at the time.

She noticed the wee leprechaun.

Yaldbaoth tried pushing another button on the device to return to the time from whence he came.

Instead he pushed a button that projected 3-D holographic images of the Boris Johnson-Count Nosferatu meeting including the British Prime Minister’s infamous mooning of the potted plants on the 2nd floor balcony window.

The sight of Johnson’s moon landing sent Claire Andrewes reeling into her lounging chair where her husband Parker and their butler Bela came rushing to her aid.

The ghost of radio show host Paul Harvey appeared outside the mansion and speaking into a ghostly microphone said, “And now you know the rest of the story.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday March 11th
2021.

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If Ed Wood Jr. Had Directed Casablanca

February 15, 2021 at 11:53 pm (Comedy, Culture, Film, Movies, Romance, Vampire novel) (, )

Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster was having a dream about what would have happened if the famed 1950s corny sci-fi and horror film director Ed Wood Jr. had directed the 1942 film Casablanca instead of Michael Curtiz.

Michelangelo entered the old time movie theatre carrying his large popcorn and large Coke just at the moment of the film’s climatic ending.

Michelangelo took a seat in the front row so that no tall idiot could sit in front of him.

This is what he saw:

Rick: Ilsa, I thought you were getting on a plane.

Ilsa: So did I, Rick. But all that seems to be here is this wheelbarrow.

Rick: I knew I shouldn’t have sent you to one of those fly-by-night Casablanca travel agencies. They promise you the world and give you one of those washroom cubicles.

Ilsa: Oh, Rick. What should I do?

Rick: Where’s your husband Victor Laszlo?

Ilsa: He came down with food poisoning after eating in your Cafe Americain, Rick.

Rick: Damn. I told the chef to “Cook it again, Pam.”

Ilsa: It looks like the only way to Lisbon is in this wheelbarrow, Rick.

Rick (looking at his watch): You better get started then, Ilsa. It’s going to take a long time floating in the Mediterranean past the Straits of Gibraltor and then up part of the Atlantic coast to reach Portugal. I don’t know how far it is to Lisbon from the Portuguese coast. Geography was never my strong point. That’s why I wasn’t so successful running guns during the Spanish Civil War by going to South Africa instead of Spain.

Ilsa: But do wheelbarrows float, Rick?

Rick: I don’t know, Ilsa. Archimedes and his theory of water dispersal was never my strong point either. That’s why I have to have a lifeguard standing by every time I take a bath.

Ilsa (throwing her arms around Rick): Oh Rick, I can’t leave you.

Rick: Listen, Ilsa, if you don’t get into that wheelbarrow, you’ll regret it. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. But someday and soon.

Ilsa (with tears in her eyes): But what about us, Rick?

Rick: We’ll always have Paris.

Ilsa: Where you stuck me with paying the check?

Rick: Where I stuck you with paying the check.

Ilsa: I hope I won’t regret this, Rick. (Gets into wheelbarrow)

Rick: You won’t regret it, Ilsa.

Ilsa: I’m starting to regret it already, Rick. This wheelbarrow is loaded with wet cement.

Rick: What the- ?

Ilsa: And the cement seems to be rising, Rick. It’s burying me alive.

(Captain Louis Renault of the Vichy French Police Casablanca Division arrives on the scene)

Captain Renault: Well it appears our Ilsa Lund has become a hardened criminal.

Rick: Hardened yes. But I don’t think a criminal.

(The rest of the Vichy Police Force Casablanca Department arrive)

Captain Renault (blowing his whistle): Men, our would be escaped refugee Ilsa Lund has become a concrete case. Round up the usual suspects.

(The police head off to round up the usual suspects)

Captain Renault: You know, Rick, I’ve always been wanting a statue by the fountain in my back yard garden. I’ll pay you 10,000 francs if you wheel this wheelbarrow down to my garden and place Ilsa there next to the fountain.

Rick (picking up the two handles of the wheelbarrow): You know, Louis. This could be the start of a beautiful friendship.

(Rick pushing the wheelbarrow and Captain Louis Renault depart together into the foggy mist filled night).

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday February 15th
2021

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Valentine’s Day 2021 – 75th Anniversary of Release of Rita Hayworth’s Gilda

February 14, 2021 at 11:33 pm (Arts, Culture, Entertainment, Film, History, Movies, Romance, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

It was 75 years ago today that the 1946 film Gilda starring Rita Hayworth was released.

The ghost of Orson Welles was sitting in an armchair in a reflective mood as he sat there sipping a spectral glass of spectral red wine.

“A penny for your thoughts,” said Renfield R. Renfield as he sat in an armchair sipping a brandy.

“He’s probably sitting there thinking it’s Valentine’s Day Night and none of us have a date this evening,” Dr. Marmalade Montague quipped as he sipped a cognac.

In the guest lobster tank in the living room of the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set’s London mansion, Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster held up a sign that asked WHEN SHALL WE FOUR LOSERS MEET AGAIN? IN THUNDER, LIGHTNING OR IN SPAIN?

“I think that’s supposed to be rain not Spain,” Renfield remarked.

In the kitchen, Athelstan the butler could be heard singing the song, “The rain in Spain stays mainly on the plain…”

“Remember to remind me never to fly over Spain,” Renfield commented.

“I don’t think it’s that type of plane,” Montague observed,” “I think it’s plain as in flat grassland not the object that flies through the air.”

Welles’ ghost was brought back to the present by the sheer inanity of the current conversation.

“I was just thinking that it was 75 years ago today that the movie Gilda starring my then wife Rita Hayworth was released,” Welles wiped away a spectral tear.

“That was considered her greatest role wasn’t it?” Renfield asked.

“It was,” Welles blew his ghostly nose in his spectral handkerchief as tears continued to fall down his cheeks and beard like Niagara Falls.

Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster pulled his waterproof guitar out of his waterproof suitcase and started playing the song Put The Blame On Mame.

“That song was from the movie Gilda wasn’t it?” Dr. Marmalade Montague asked.

“It was,” Welles’ ghost wiped away another spectral tear from his eyes.

“I don’t want to come across as being insensitive or anything,” Renfield adjusted his t-shirt that said THEY DON’T CALL ME LOUT FOR NOTHING, “but why are you bawling like a baby?”.

“Because less than 2 years after that film came out, Rita and I divorced,” Welles wiped away another tear, “Our marriage always was under somewhat a strain. Because as Rita herself said, “It’s tough being married to a genius’.”

“I’m sure that’s one problem Mrs. Justin Trudeau doesn’t have,” Renfield quipped.

“Anyways,” Welles continued, “After Gilda came out, Rita became a goddess in the public eye. And it’s tough for a mere mortal man to be married to a goddess.”

“I wonder if the reverse is true,” Dr. Marmalade Montague lit a pipe, “If it’s tough for a mere mortal woman to be married to a god.”

“Well there goes the Dan Brown hypothesis about who Mary Magdalene was married to down the drain,” Renfield reflected.

Meanwhile Nefertiti Galore the Estate’s guard cat had pulled the drain on the guest lobster tank much to Michelangelo’s discomfiture.

“Oh Rita, Rita,” Orson sobbed.

Welles’ mind returned to an earlier time.

When Rita played Gilda.

It seemed to be a far happier Valentine’s Day 75 years ago when Gilda was released.

For at that time, neither knew what the future held.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday February 14th
2021.

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Haiku About Christopher Plummer RIP

February 5, 2021 at 11:07 pm (Culture, Entertainment, Film, Movies, Poetry) (, )

Christopher Plummer
Now walks where heavenly hills
Sing sound of music

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Ulysses, The World Communists’ Trojan Horse and Tom Cruise’s Comeuppance

December 16, 2020 at 11:38 pm (Film, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Movies, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

“It is an ironic masterstroke of history that a man with the heart and soul of a Ku Klux Klansman (let’s call him Joe Biden) would be used by the Communists as a trojan horse to seize control of the U.S. Presidency.”
-Renfield R. Renfield British MP

In the Elysian Fields, Ulysses the Greek hero king of Ithaca was complaining to King Agamemnon of Mycenae (who was busy lying on a couch as he was getting counselling from the ghost of Sigmund Freud over his relationships with his children Electra and Orestes), “I knew the Trojan Horse. I was friends with the Trojan Horse. Hell, I built the bloody Trojan Horse. Joe Biden is one fucked up Trojan Horse.”

At the request of Ulysses’ patron and muse Athena the Greek goddess of wisdom, Ulysses was dispensationally released from the Underworld by Hades and Persephone to do battle with the KKK heart and soul Trojan Horse of the Great Reset World Communist Party.


Penelope the Queen of Ithaca awaits the return of her husband Ulysses

. . .

After losing a snowball fight to British MP Renfield R. Renfield, British Prime Minister Boris Johnson had agreed to relax lockdown restrictions in the UK over Christmas.

Up to 3 households could meet over Christmas for a social gathering.

The lockdown restriction loosenings had been met with outrage by the Neo-Stalinist and Neo-Maoist health authorities and “experts”.

As they gathered to protest the easing restrictions, a 6 foot 8 tall invisible bunny rabbit with big pink floppety ears and a group of small snowclad garden gnome lawn ornaments carrying cream pies launched those dessert missiles into the faces of the Communist constipated looking health authorities and “experts”.

“That bunny rabbit and those gnomes weren’t wearing masks or practicing social distancing,” a Harvey Wallbanger drinking health “expert” remarked.

. . .

“You’re not wearing masks or practicing social distancing,” an irate actor Tom Cruise beat up up his film’s camera crew and some movie extras on a London street.

British MP Renfield R. Renfield happened to be walking by when he noticed the commotion being caused by the abusive and profanity spewing Hollywood superstar nutjob.

Renfield went up to Cruise, grabbed him and drove his head through a wall rendering him unconscious.

Renfield continued walking down the street singing,

“Have yourself a Merry little Christmas
Let your heart be light
From now on
Our troubles will be out of sight…”

The incident was captured on camera.

Actress Nicole Kidman, watching news footage of it on television, gushed, “Who was that handsome man?”.

“I believe that’s your ex-husband,” her hairstylist replied.

“No, not that moron,” Nicole said, “The one who just drove his head through a wall.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday December 16th
2020.

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The Third Man

December 15, 2020 at 11:45 pm (Film, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Movies, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

“So,” Renfield remarked to his parliamentary colleague the Welsh vampiress Morgana Fay Lee, “I see someone has been hacking into the computers of the U.S. Treasury and Commerce departments. The SolarWinds Orion a computer network tool is being exploited by malicious actors. Various other government, technology and telecoms organizations all across the world have fallen victim to these malicious attacks since March of this year. Including Dominion Voting Machines. Although the mainstream Marxist media isn’t mentioning that since that might cast doubt on Joe Biden’s election. Some people think it was Russia responsible but it was most likely China.”

. . .

After a visit from his Masonic Lodge Grand Master, Kentucky Sen. Mitch McConnell recognized Joe Biden as U.S. President-elect and also urged people to take the mRNA vaccines for the Wuhan CCP virus.

Meanwhile in Russia, Russian President Vladimir Putin also recognized Joe Biden as U.S. President-elect even as he co-ordinated plans with Turkey and Iran for an attack on Israel.

. . .


It was the street in Vienna
where Orson Welles had walked
As Harry Lime
The Third Man

The streets were deserted
Covid-19
The Wuhan CCP Virus
Had decreed it so

It had turned health experts
Into Gulag camp overlords
It had turned politicians
Into Hitlers and Stalins and Maos

The people were locked in their homes
Wearing masks and social distancing
Christmas was to be forgotten
Like Scrooge when evil noted

Dracul Van Helsing stood alone

Facing a street of descending street lamps
And a moon that towered
Over the darkening smoke of chimney

A chimney like Mount Doom
That blew the smoke of Sauron
As in the land of Mordor
Where the shadows lie

Van Helsing walked the cobblestone streets
A zither then played the score
of Anton Karas’ theme music
On the night the music died.

-A vampire novel chapter
and poem
written by Christopher
Tuesday December 15th
2020.

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Renfield Comes Across 1950s Sherrielock Shakespearian Erotic Film

November 11, 2020 at 11:58 pm (Arts, Entertainment, Film, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Movies, News, Romance, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )


World famous London dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes: Good with an axe as well as a paddle and a whip

British MP Renfield R. Renfield decided to take a break from fighting George Soros, Bill and Melinda Gates, World Economic Forum Chairman Karl Schwab, Pope Francis and the ongoing Neo-Bolshevik Revolution in the United States.

He fired off an email to British Prime Minister Boris Johnson who had just recognized Joe Biden as President-elect of the United States.

Solely on the basis that the AP Associated Press had declared so this past Saturday November 7th and numerous mainstream Marxist media outlets had followed suit.

Renfield’s email asked Boris Johnson, “How does it feel to be an idiot?”.

He then read an email from a friend of his who had sent him a link to a YouTube video.

The video was of a 1950s erotic film that had apparently starred world famous London dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes.

Sherrielock Holmes was the twin sister of world-famous London consulting detective Sherlock Holmes.

In the 1890s, she had become immortal after eating a particularly powerful Lingzhi Supernatural Mushroom.

Not looking a day over 30 (even though she was in her 40s when she ate the mushroom), she had married French scientist Dr. Louis Rocher (who it was later dscovered was in fact the illegitimate son of Prof. James Moriarty who was her brother Sherlock’s mortal enemy).

She and Louis Rocher had several children.

Louis Rocher, who served in the RAF during World War I, was shot down and killed by the Red Baron just the day before the Red Baron himself was shot down and killed by a couple of Canadian pilots.

One of Sherrielock’s descendants was her great-grandson Dr. Cadbury Rocher who was Set Enterprises’ chief scientist.

Having both Holmes and Moriarty blood in his veins, Dr. Cadbury Rocher often alternated between good and evil during his distinguished career as a mad scientist.

The film was called Shakespearian Sherrielock and was shot in black and white as of course were many movies back in the 1950s.

The film began with this scene:

Sherrielock was busy examining an axe as the estate’s chief servant Hemlock the Dwarf stood on the house stairs looking at her.

Hemlock the Dwarf: Thou lookest like thou art about to choppeth off someone’s head.

Sherrielock: Aye, Hemlock, I am.

Hemlock the Dwarf: I hear the Lady Anne Boleyn, late Queen of England, lost her fair head on this May fair morning.

Sherrielock: Aye, that she did. Her blood now soaketh the pavement of the Tower of London where no fair flowers bloometh.

Hemlock: Who art thou thinking of beheading this morning?

(The dwarf did ask as he approached her)

Sherrielock (raising her axe above the dwarf): The one who gave the hemlock to my favourite horse Socrates.

Hemlock (terrified): Mistress, thou knowest? Let me explain. It was only because thou didst love that horse more than me.

But Hemlock had run out of explanations for his head became separated from his neck by the cutting edge of Sherrielock’s axe and it did roll on to the floor.

Sherrielock (ringing a bell): Maid, come cleaneth up this mess.

Later that night, Sherrielock sat on her bed and waited for Hans Falstaffson the Courier to show up.

Hans Falstaffson the Courier (played by actor Orson Welles) shows up.

Renfield, enjoying the movie so far as he ate his popcorn, said, “Wow, I never knew Welles ever appeared in a 1950s erotic soft porn film.”

“Hans, thou art late,” Sherrielock admonished him.

“My lady, I do apologize,” Hans Falstaffson bowed.

Sherrielock: For thy errant tardiness, I must spank thee on the bare bottom with this sturdy paddle.

Falstaffson (bowing): Very well, my lady.

(Orson as Hans Falstaffson takes off all his clothes)

“Oh God,” Renfield shields his eyes, “I’ll never be able to get that image out of my mind.”

Sherrielock sits on the bed and straightens and smooths the skirt of her dress as Welles’ Falstaffson approaches and lies across her lap waiting to receive his punishment.

Welles who had chosen to use the Stanislavski method in the making of this film would undergo the same gruelling paddling on his backside as that of his character Hans Falstaffson the Courier.

Thus Welles’ and Falstaffson’s screams merged and echoed as one as the character/actor’s buttocks turned as crimson red as a lobster flambe or the ripest of all tomatoes while Sherrielock vigourously administered the spanking.

100 of the best.

100 of the worst.

It was the best of times.

It was the worst of times.

When the spanking was over, Sherrielock held Welles/Falstaffson’s head against her most ample and delightful bosom and comforted him.

Sherrielock (gently stroking his hair): Art thou happy that I spanked thee?

Welles/Falstaffson (nodding): Aye, my lady. My bottom stingeth like the scorpion in the noonday sun.

And as everybody knows who was on YouTube today, the system crashed at 7:13 PM U.S. Eastern Standard Time Wednesday November 11th 2020.

“Shit,” Renfield exclaimed as the video konked out at this most dramatic moment.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday November 11th
2020.

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