Legacy of The Baskervilles
Legacy of The Baskervilles
“I always wanted to do a movie based on a Sherlock Holmes story,” said the ghost of Orson Welles as he entered Baskerville Hall.
“And you’re thinking of the Hound of The Baskervilles?” Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing asked.
“I am,” Welles lit himself a spectral cigar.
“Of course that story has been done several times in film format,” Van Helsing noted, “you will have to do something that makes yours stand out from the rest.”
“Precisement,” Welles pulled out a bottle of spectral red wine from one overcoat pocket and a glass from the other, “and I’m just the man to do it.”
“I would have to agree,” Van Helsing nodded.
“So I hear Baskerville Hall is now owned by Britain’s Heritage Trust,” Welles poured himself a glass of spectral red wine.
“It is,” Van Helsing acknowledged, “it was purchased recently by Dashwood Forrest the owner of The Dashwood Forrest Art Gallery in London. He donated it to Heritage Trust to get a big charity donation receipt to help him with a big tax deduction.”
“A most astute decision,” Welles sipped his red wine.
“So, have you given much thought to how you intend to make your adaptation of The Hound of The Baskervilles different?” Van Helsing asked.
“Let us go into the living room of Baskerville Hall,” Welles suggested, “perhaps seeing that large spacious room will give me some ideas.”
Welles and Van Helsing entered the living room.
And there stood….
The Welsh vampiress Morgana.
“As you know,” Morgana spoke, “Britain’s new Prime Minister Boris Johnson recently appointed me Deputy Home Secretary In Charge of Midnight Security. And both of you are trespassing on Heritage Trust property.”
Welles’ ghost made haste out of the living room and out of Baskerville Hall on the off chance that Morgana might sic the ghost of the Hound of the Baskervilles on him.
Only Dracul Van Helsing remained.
The Welsh vampiress took the vampire hunter over her knee and spanked him.
Welles’ ghost walked around the Baskerville Hall grounds and finished his spectral bottle of spectral red wine and smoked his entire spectral box of spectral cigars.
He thought he better go back inside and see what happened to Van Helsing.
There was Van Helsing on the living room floor having tantric sex with Morgana.
Welles turned and hastily closed the door behind him (forgetting that he could walk through doors and walls).
“Well,” Welles took out a piece of spectral chewing gum, “after seeing that scene, that should give me no shortage of ideas on how to make my film adaptation of The Hound of the Baskervilles different from everybody else’s.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday August 7th
2019.
Orson Welles’ Ghost Views The Only Scene Ever Filmed For Roman Polanski’s Wuthering Heights
The ghost of Orson Welles was admiring a small sculpture of the Headless Horseman of Sleepy Hollow that the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set had recently purchased from the Dashwood Forrest Art Gallery.
The sculpture showed the Headless Horseman and his pumpkin head riding a black horse while the schoolteacher Ichabod Crane is seen getting run over by one of Santa’s reindeer who, after drinking too much Kickapoo Joy Juice, mistook Halloween night for Christmas Eve and was venturing in the forest near Sleepy Hollow following the Headless Horseman and his black horse and his orange pumpkin head mistaking the latter for Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer’s red shiny nose.
“What a delightfully eclectic and eccentric sculpture,” Welles’ ghost remarked as he looked at it while sampling a glass of spectral red wine.
Welles had been informed by British MP Renfield R. Renfield that Boris Johnson (the former Foreign Secretary of Britain) had purchased a retirement gift for British Prime Minister Theresa May at the Dashwood Forrest Art Gallery.
The gift was an 18th Century portrait painting of an 18th Century Irish Pirate of the Caribbean Captain Kerry Donegal.
Welles had recently met the ghost of Kerry Donegal in person when Renfield had brought him home after a night of carousing at the Oscar Wilde Pub.
Welles decided to go down to the Dashwood Forrest Art Gallery in person to see what other great treasures were available there.
The door to the gallery was opened by Dashwood Forrest’s Irish manservant Mulligan the Irish zombie who was undergoing his own personal zombie apocalypse after having drunk too much Guinness stout and Jameson’s Irish whiskey the night before.
“Excuse the hand on the floor,” Mulligan remarked after his right hand came apart at the wrist and fell on the floor.
As Mulligan tried to re-attach his right hand to the rest of his right arm, Welles’ ghost was greeted by art gallery owner and curator Dashwood Forrest who had a martini in his own hand.
“You know the trouble with being dead is you’re decomposing all the time,” Mulligan the Irish zombie remarked as his right ear fell off.
“Mulligan never did have an ear for music,” Forrest invited Welles into his office, “but do come into my office. I have something that a great film director such as yourself would be interested in.”
As Mulligan managed to find his right ear below a portrait of Vincent Van Gogh, Dashwood Forrest closed the office door behind him and Welles.
“Let me run the film projector,” said Forrest, “for I have here on film the only scene ever completed and shot for a film adaptation of Wuthering Heights that Roman Polanski intended to make back in 1989 but financing for the movie was pulled at the last moment. Polanski was setting his version of Wuthering Heights in the late 20th Century. This was a scene between Heathcliff and Cathy.”
The projector ran and the Polanski 20th Century Wuthering Heights scene between Heathcliff and Cathy- a single still shot appeared:
“Where’s Heathcliff?” Welles asked.
“Heathcliff is the old car in the photo,” Forrest answered, “Polanski intended the movie as a cross between Emily Bronte’s Wuthering Heights and Stephen King’s Christine.”
“Now I’ve seen everything,” Welles looked stonefaced, “Jack Nicholson must have sent Polanski plenty of California grass that Roman smoked before he came up with the idea for this picture.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday May 30th
2019.
Harvey Tallbanger and Daniel Craig
After his successful spying mission at the Vladivostok Summit between Vladimir Putin and King Jong-un, the 6 foot 8 invisible Welsh pooka bunny rabbit Harvey Tallbanger returned to London.
He went to the Hare and Hound Pub.
Standing inside the doorway of the Hare and Hound Pub was the stuffed original Hound of The Baskervilles who had been found a few years ago.
“I see the hound but where’s the hare?” Harvey Tallbanger asked as he sat up at the bar.
“You know, I’m sick of people asking me that…” the pubkeeper looked up from behind the bar and stopped, “Say, who’s there?”.
“Harvey Tallbanger,” the 6 foot 8 bunny rabbit replied, “I’m invisible. But I do have money to pay.”
The rabbit brought visible British £ currency out of his invisible blue denim coveralls.
“Oh God, I’ve gone insane!” The pubkeeper said.
“No, you haven’t,” Harvey flashed his most attractive invisible smile, “if you were, you’d be in the Oval Office right now with one hand smoothing down your ridiculous looking toupee and your other hand with its finger on the nuclear button when it isn’t busy tweeting on Twitter.”
“What will you have, my invisible friend?” The pubkeeper asked.
“A Tequila Sunrise, please,” the pooka answered.
The pubkeeper made a tequila sunrise and handed it to the tall bunny rabbit.
Actor Daniel Craig and actress Naomie Harris entered the pub.
“Oh, wow, James Bond and Miss Moneypenny!” Harvey exclaimed, “My hero and my heroine!”.
“Who was that?” The acting duo asked at the same time.
“Don’t mind him,” the pubkeeper answered, “He’s invisible.”
Bond and Miss Moneypenny (as Harvey thought of them) both ordered pints of the local draft.
“What?” Harvey was incredulous, “No martini shaken not stirred?”.
“That’s only in the movies,” Daniel Craig answered.
“How disappointing fiction is from reality,” Harvey remarked as he sat next to the poster of Claude Rains as The Invisible Man.
“Isn’t there any way people can see you?” Naomie Harris asked.
“My creator Dr. Cadbury Rocher informs me that if people drink a Harvey Wallbanger, they can see me,” the pooka replied.
“What’s in a Harvey Wallbanger?” Craig asked.
“1 1/2 ounces of vodka, 3 ounces of orange juice and half an ounce of Galliano,” Harvey replied.
“I should try making one of those,” the pubkeeper remarked and proceeded to do just that.
“So after Bond 25, you’ll be sailing off into the 007 sunset,” Harvey said over his sunrise.
“I will indeed,” Craig admitted.
“Howdy, Bartender,” a man with a Texas drawl entered the pub.
“Oh no,” the pubkeeper shook his head, “The idiot who keeps asking me the same question day after day.”
“Say, bartender,” the Texan pointed towards the stuffed Hound of The Baskervilles, “for a place called The Hare and Hound, I can see the hound but where’s the hare?”.
“Try one of these,” the pubkeeper placed a Harvey Wallbanger in front of the Texan.
The Texan took a few sips of the Wallbanger and then pointed at Harvey sitting on the other side of the bar, “It’s the hare. It’s the hare.”
“What?” Daniel Craig and Naomie Harris both looked in the direction of the invisible entity.
“It’s my shiny locks,” the bunny rabbit flashed an invisible grin to Daniel Craig, Naomie Harris and the pubkeeper, “and all because I use Johnson’s Baby Shampoo.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday April 26th
2019.
Miss Moneypenny had many adventures in life and someday she’d meet an invisible bunny rabbit.
Kraken Uhluhtc Causes Venezuela Electrical Blackout
The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec was sitting in her Mexico City penthouse apartment having a long distance phone conversation discussing the crisis in Venezuela with British MP Renfield R. Renfield.
“Do you have any idea what’s causing this massive electricity and power blackout that’s been going on in Venezuela since last Thursday?” Renfield asked.
Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro and the U.S. government had both been blaming the other for causing the blackout.
“My sources tell me it’s Uhluhtc that’s causing the problem,” Qonzilqointec answered.
“And who’s Uhluhtc?” Renfield helped himself to a dish of calamari in front of him.
“Uhluhtc is a kraken that recently rose from the bottom of the Caribbean Sea a couple of years ago,” Qonzilqointec answered.
“I see,” Renfield added some Jamaican Hot Sauce to his calamari, “and what caused him to rise?”.
“North Korean leader Kim Jong-un reading aloud a passage from a medieval Korean edition of The Necronomicon by radio and loudspeaker to a North Korean ship named The Red Scorpion that was sailing in the Caribbean at the time,” the Aztec vampire princess replied.
“Really?” Renfield helped himself to some Korean dumplings and fried scorpion, “Interesting how this information is sort of forming a Jungian synchronicity with what I’m having on my lunchtime menu.”
“One of my drones spotted Uhluhtc attacking electrical transformers throughout Venezuela,” Qonzilqointec added.
“Any idea why he’s doing this?” Renfield found a toy figure of Godzilla as the prize in his box of children’s cereal.
“None whatsoever,” Qonzilqointec smoothed her dress and watched another one of her carrier pigeon shaped drones returning.
. . .
Donald Trump was receiving a briefing from the National Security Agency as his English butler and valet Lexington poured tea.
“Um, is it appropriate for him to be here?” The NSA operative pointed towards Lexington.
“That’s all right,” Trump shrugged, “he’s got high level security clearance.”
“Your English butler and valet has high-level security clearance?” The NSA operative was astounded.
“Hey,” Trump helped himself to a hot buttered crumpet, “if I can get high-level security clearance for my daughter and my son-in-law, I can get high-level security clearance for my English butler and valet.”
“Fuck everybody and let’s build a Trump casino in Moscow. Fuck everybody and let’s build a Trump casino in Moscow,” Trump’s pet Norwegian blue parrot squawked from inside his cage.
Trump was currently working on getting high-level security clearance for his parrot.
“Anyways we wiretapped a conversation New York Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez recently had in a Washington DC restaurant with Lev Tomi the Secretary-General of the UN Secretariat On The Environment and Climate Change,” the NSA operative explained.
“Bully for you, we need surveillance to find out what these Communist saboteurs are up to,” Trump accidentally pushed the Record button on his Huawei smart phone.
“They were discussing the Green New Deal,” the NSA operative said.
“I noticed,” Trump remarked as he drank his cup of Earl Grey Tea, “that even British MP Renfield R. Renfield who supports AOC’S plans for a single user pay national public health care system says that AOC “is out to lunch like most leftists are” when it comes to the subject of climate change.”
“Anyhow the Department of Homeland Security recently uncovered frightening information with regards to Lev Tomi,” the NSA operative read from his briefs as he dressed down to his briefs since it was rather hot in the Oval Office.
“And what was that?” Trump seeing the NSA operative dressed down to his briefs brought back memories of last year’s private one-on-one encounter with Vladimir Putin in which no aides nor translators were present.
“That Lev Tomi is in fact a vampire,” the NSA operative’s glasses steamed up, “and in his mortal life had been the Russian Communist Revolutionary Leon Trotsky. Trotsky did not die on the night of August 20th/21st 1940 succumbing to his ice axe wounds delivered by a Stalinist NKVD assassin as the history books teach us. Instead he was turned into a vampire by the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec.”
“Aztec?” Trump felt a sudden craving for enchiladas, “They’re Mexican aren’t they?”.
“That is correct,” the NSA operative answered.
“Then I’m right to build that damned wall,” Trump pounded his fist on his desk.
“Begging your pardon, sir,” Lexington removed the Gloucester cheese from the table, “but if this Qonzilqointec is a vampiress, then she can just turn into a vampire bat and fly over the wall.”
“What a bummer,” Trump grimaced.
“That’s exactly what Putin said to me afterwards,” squawked the parrot, “that’s exactly what Putin said to me afterwards.”
. . .
Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing thought back to the 1941 film Sundown with Gene Tierney and George Sanders that he had been watching for the first time on YouTube early Sunday morning when his BBC app sounded a five second long musical note indicating a breaking news bulletin.
That was when he first heard about the tragic Ethiopian Airlines plane crash from Addis Ababa Ethiopia to Nairobi Kenya that had killed all 157 people on board.
Today after watching the news he found out that 18 Canadians had been aboard the plane including a Carleton University professor from Ottawa, a family of six from Brampton Ontario, an environmentalist from Winnipeg Manitoba and a young mother from Edmonton Alberta along with her 5-year-old daughter.
There was also an assistant pastor from the City of Calgary (who also worked as an accountant at Calgary City Hall) killed- a man that Dracul Van Helsing had personally met on one occasion.
In another connection to the City of Calgary, the pilot of the plane had an aunt who lived in Calgary.
In this interconnected world of the 21st Century, tragedy now connected all corners of the globe.
Gene Tierney in the movie Sundown 1941.
A movie that was set in the border region between Kenya and Ethiopia.
A movie that had as its premise the importance of Africa to world geopolitics and how Africa served as the pivotal point of the interconnectivity of the world.
It was while watching this film, a breaking BBC News bulletin on a tablet app showed that the premise still held true in the year 2019.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday March 11th
2019.
Imhotep: Behind the Hammer of Film
Imhotep Pontifex Ra ran a small souvenir store in Rome not far from the Vatican.
Imhotep specialized in selling reproduction paintings and reproduction sculptures of the great Renaissance works of art to be found in the Vatican.
Imhotep enjoyed his current job.
It was quiet and kept him out of the spotlight.
For Imhotep had once had very challenging and important jobs that once kept him in the spotlight.
For Imhotep was roughly 3000 years old give or take a couple of centuries.
Officially he flourished back in the late 27th Century BC as THE Imhotep (“The One who comes in peace”). He was the Imhotep who served as Chancellor to the Egyptian Pharaoh Djoser and the Imhotep who was the High Priest of the sun god Ra at Heliopolis.
He was supposed to have died centuries ago.
In reality a fruit from the Tree of Immortality in the Garden of Eden had been brought to him by a mermaid.
He had eaten it and become immortal.
But he kept a low profile throughout the millenia only stepping into public limelight now and again.
With his knowledge of genetics, he had helped Sophia the Greco-Egyptian Gnostic goddess of wisdom give birth while still being a virgin.
She gave birth to an eccentric creature called Yaldabaoth who went to Ireland and became a leprechaun.
Although she claimed that Yaldabaoth was the Demi-Urge who created the universe and was the same being as Yahweh the god of the Hebrews.
Most Gnostic groups accepted Sophia’s statement on the subject as authoritative.
Fortunately Yaldabaoth spent his time sleeping under rainbows alongside pots of gold after drinking too many pints of Guinness and too many bottles of Irish whiskey and so didn’t show up at any of Sophia’s red carpet parties in Hollywood alongside Tom Hanks and Dan Brown that were sponsored by the Kabbalah Centre in Los Angeles.
That way Yaldabaoth wasn’t around to rain on her parade.
That was left to a Hollywood producer whose perverted fetish was giving golden showers to people.
That producer was now facing jail time on charges of gross sexual misconduct.
After Sophia gave birth to Yaldabaoth, she gave up being a virgin when she fell in love with the Greek god Pan (a satyr) and had a torrid love affair with the half-man half-goat deity.
She gave birth to Baphomet (an androgynous half-male, half-female, half-goat, half-human demon hybrid) as a result of this liaison.
And Baphomet was one of the two demons worshipped and venerated by many members of the U.S. Democratic Party (the other demon being Baal).
So much for Imhotep’s association with Sophia.
Imhotep later served as a supernatural advisor to both Merlin and Morgan Le Fay during their supernatural battle for control of Camelot and Avalon.
He served as a physician to the Knights-Templar, the Knights-Hospitaller and the Teutonic Knights during the Crusades.
During the Renaissance, he served as an advisor to many alchemists and practitioners of Hermetic magic.
He also translated the works of Hermes Trismegistus from Egyptian and Greek into Latin, Italian, French and German.
He knew the German Renaissance alchemist, astrologer and magician Dr. Johann Georg Faustus who supposedly died in an alchemical experiment explosion at the Hotel zum Lowen in Staufen im Breisgau in 1541 when the demon Mephistopheles came to collect his soul.
In reality, Faust was only disfigured in the explosion and continued to live.
Although his face was now reconstructed out of various forms of grain, wheat, thistles and vegetation.
He finally died in 2011 when the then Set Enterprises Chief of Security and Intelligence Gathering Renfield R. Renfield hired an Irish arsonist to set fire to Faust’s farmfield of a face in order to do away with a scientific rival to Set Enterprises’ Chief Scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher.
Ironically enough, Imhotep had an affair with the vampiress Marguerite (who was Faust’s great love) in Germany back in the 1930s.
Marguerite had dropped Faust like a hot potato back in the 1540s after the alchemist had become disfigured.
Faust had gotten rid of his hot potato of a nose but Marguerite still did not take him back.
Instead she had an affair with the Vampiress Lilith who turned her into a vampiress.
In the 1930s, Marguerite had become an opera singer singing Wagnerian operas and Marguerite had become Der Fuhrer’s favourite opera singer.
Imhotep who served as a collector of relics for the Nazi SS Ahnenerbe Occult Bureau during that decade had met Marguerite backstage at a production of Parsifal and it was lust at first sight.
They had a child as a result of that encounter- Dr. Faustus Imhotep who was currently the acting head of DARPA.
Being the son of an immortal Egyptian high priest and a vampiress, Dr. Faustus Imhotep looks far younger than his 85 years.
Donald Trump and most people in the U.S. government think Dr. Faustus Imhotep is only 40.
From the late 1950s to the early 1970s, THE Imhotep, “The One who comes in peace” and now calls himself Imhotep Pontifex Ra the Rome souvenir vendor, served as an advisor to Britain’s Hammer Films Studios giving them advice on both Dracula and Mummy films as Imhotep was an expert on both mummies and vampires.
Some of the women Imhotep met as an advisor on mummies, vampires and vampiresses to Hammer Films:
Ingrid Pitt
Jenny Hanley in Scars of Dracula 1970
Ingrid Pitt as Countess Dracula 1971
Valerie Leon In Blood From The Mummy’s Tomb 1971
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday March 8th
2019.
Between The Moon and Sixpence: A Poem
What lies between the moon and sixpence?
A pair of broken hearts?
A man who no longer loves his job selling in the City
A man who sacrifices all for art
His wife, children and comfortable home
Leaves London for the Bohemian haunts of Paris
But the biggest thing he left behind is his soul and his humanity
He is not kind, he is not cruel
He is indifferent
Which is the cruelest cruelty of all
But he is called a genius by a fellow artist
The same man whose wife he steals
And then abandons like yesterday’s canvas
Leaving behind a broken heart that takes its own life
How can he who paints such beauty be capable of such cruelty?
That is the eternal question
A man once thought that a watch left on the beach must have a creator
The same man applied it to the cosmos
This cosmos must have a creator
But for that watch on the beach
what was its maker like?
Was he cruel?
Was he kind?
We know not.
The same applies for the cosmos.
If a maker the cosmos has
Is he cruel? Is he kind?
Iago in Verdi’s Otello says he serves a cruel god
The explanation (that Shakespeare never offered)
As to why Iago told such lies about Desdemona to his friend Othello
That is the ultimate horror
If the cosmos a creator has
is ultimately a cruel being
Rather than face that horror
that’s why many atheism and agnosticism embrace
Though ironically in Transhumanism modern
The theory is posed,
We all live in a computer generated matrix
But then who created that matrix?
To substitute God for ultimate Virtual Reality designer
The question of kindness and cruelty remains unanswered
Lucifer was an artist
That ultimate rebel
For only an artist can seduce
The Satan of the Book of Job was the fallen Archangel Samael
An angelic lawyer who fell
like lawyers are prone to do
He takes away and scatters
But he cannot seduce
like Lucifer the Devil did to Eve
He promises beauty and godhood
But cannot deliver
for he is ultimately not the source of both
Between the moon and sixpence
our artist anti-hero decides Paris is not
and goes to Tahiti
that South Pacific paradise
And will he finally find Paradise there?
There he finds Ata a South Seas woman
and there he says words he’d never thought he’d speak, “Love”
And there the man paints Eden
on the walls of his hut
Towards the end of his life he becomes kind
Not cruel
Not indifferent
For genius on its own can never find Paradise
It needs to hold the hand of Love
Angst ridden artists, poets and musicians history has seen many
Some have seduced and left broken hearts by the thousands
Others were kind and compassionate
The ability to create is a form of beauty
It is alluring
And with its allure
comes the ability to seduce
Creating beauty is only true when mixed with love and kindness
And leaves the perturbing question
Was the Creator of the Cosmos one with love?
To create a cosmos so vast and all encompassing
We mortal beings cannot comprehend such a Creator
Surely a giant?
Or maybe a phony hiding behind a curtain like that wizard of Oz?
The instances of love we can comprehend
Such as a child in its mother’s arms
The smile of the child towards mother
And the smile of the mother towards child
And that is why Oscar Wilde
whose Dorian Gray showed so shockingly how art and beauty could be used for evil
embraced as Creator the Babe who was born in Bethlehem
In whose humanity and divinity, Love and Intellect are one.
-A poem written by Christopher
Saturday March 2nd
2019
inspired by watching
the 1942 movie
The Moon and Sixpence
Nice Work On The Trinity Case, Mr. Albion: A Poem
“Nice work on the Trinity case, Mr. Albion.”
They came to Hollywood by the dozens
In search of fame and fortune
Positive they’d be the next goddess of the silver screen
Girls from the mid-west, girls from the northeast, girls from the south,
Girls from Canada
and girls from Mexico.
Such a girl was Trinity Esperanza
From Mexico City
19, she’d come to Hollywood with stars in her eyes
A week later
She had disappeared
A woman from another country
disappeared?
Who cares was the attitude here
Her disappearance wasn’t even reported in the press here
Just another foreigner who disappeared
Carson Cody Albion Private Eye would not have known about it
Unless the girl’s grandmother hadn’t shown up in his office
“Please find Trinity,” She begged
As she emptied her purse on the table
And with all the money sitting there
Albion looked down at the table
And counted the money in his head
$37.42
“Mrs. Esperanza,” he poured himself another glass of bourbon,
“How much money do you have in your bank account?”
” $37.42″, she answered.
Albion looked at her,
Drank the glass of bourbon
Lit himself a cigarette
And blew smoke at the ceiling
Where the fan quickly dispersed it to the 4 corners of his world-
his office.
“Put your money away,” he told Mrs. Esperanza, “this one’s on the house.”
Like all cases involving disappeared girls and Hollywood
The answer involved sex slaves and lecherous Hollywood producers
For what lay behind the red moviehouse theatre curtains
and the silver screen
was not silver
And definitely not gold
Images of dead Presidents on paper was the currency
And a lot of it
That was the language of Hollywood
Behind the scenes
Carson Cody Albion found Trinity
A prostitution ring that catered to those who lived behind the pearly gates of Beverly Hills
Paradise to those who owned the place
But Hell for some of those who worked there
Albion found Trinity
And after negotiating with the producer
Trinity was freed.
The price?
The real Maltese Falcon from that film a few years back.
Turned out the producer was a big fan of movies made by rival studios.
Albion’s burglary skills came in handy
and not even Sherlock Holmes could have solved the case
Basil Rathbone had other roles to play
Of course no one in LA seemed to care that a young Mexican girl was found
Save when Albion delivered Trinity to Mrs. Esperanza
One customer in a barber shop reflected the thinking
in general
They ought to build a wall to keep those people out
Albion looked at the man from the barber chair where he sat
“Thank God,” Albion thought, “FDR sits in the Oval Office and not this man”.
One day Albion was wandering on the set of the movie Cover Girl
When Rita Hayworth of all people addressed him,
“Nice work on the Trinity case, Mr. Albion.”
So spoke the woman whose real name was Margarita Carmen Cansino.
And on this night
Carson Cody Albion sat in a bar
He decided to order a glass of wine for a change
Maybe it was time he showed a little class as an ex-girlfriend once said to him
“Class? What is it?” Albion asked himself as he lit a cigarette
He reached into his coat pocket to pay the bill
“Put your money away,” Julio the bartender said, “this one’s on the house.”
-A Private Eye Poem
written by Christopher
Friday February 22nd
2019.
Dracul Van Helsing Meets Maria Orsic
The Austro-Croatian mystic Maria Orsic calls out to Dracul Van Helsing from the window of her Chicago hotel room.
Dracul Van Helsing used the Houdini-Tesla-Pantages prototype magic lanterns for his time travel.
They were a type of image projecting magic lantern that projected black and white film images.
This magic lantern had been invented by the Hungarian-American magician Harry Houdini, the Serbian-American inventor Nikola Tesla and the Greek-American movie producer and movie house theatre chain owner Alexander Pantages working together to develop it in 1925.
Houdini claimed to have gotten the idea for this magic lantern from a magician’s assistant of his named Serena who claimed to have gotten the idea from Thoth the Egyptian god of time.
However the magic lantern still seemed incapable of allowing time travel.
Eventually the Houdini-Tesla-Pantages prototype magic lantern came into the hands of Orson Welles.
In the early morning hours of October 31st 1938 (a few hours after his infamous War of The Worlds radio broadcast), an entity claiming to be a Martian who intensely disliked the state of New Jersey (and why did Welles allow him to land there in his broadcast?) gave Welles further tips on how to tweak the magic lantern to allow time travel.
Welles’ tweaking helped somewhat but it wasn’t enough.
It remained for the magic lantern to fall into the possession of the Austrian-American film actress and inventor Hedy Lamarr (the woman who in the early 1940s invented the wireless radio technology that eventually became Bluetooth and Wi-Fi) to put the final touches on the magic lantern to make it time travel capable.
Lamarr added those finishing touches to the Houdini-Tesla-Pantages prototype in January of 1949.
Hearing the news that an evil member of the Ahnenerbe Nazi Occult Bureau Franz Kohler was still alive and anxious to get his hands on the device, Hedy Lamarr hid it in a West Hollywood movie theatre (that still exists today as a repertory theatre that plays old movies).
She informed Welles where she had placed the magic lantern.
The secret died with them.
However when Hades and Persephone allowed the ghost of Orson Welles to leave the realm of Hades along with the ghost of Sir Winston Churchill to serve as spirit advisors to British MP Renfield R. Renfield, the ghost of Orson Welles had informed Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing of its location on New Year’s Day of this year.
Dracul visited the West Hollywood repertory movie theatre on January 14th of this year where he made out with the Greek goddess Athena who was appearing in black and white on the screen.
And Dracul had been time travelling on and off again ever since.
Today in a time warp between the Chicago of a 1930s Hollywood film set and the actual Chicago of today January 31st 2019, he was summoned to enter the hotel room of the Austro-Croatian mystic Maria Orsic (who was Nikola Tesla’s secret love).
Maria Orsic invites Dracul Van Helsing in for a cosmic tantric sex encounter. Dracul obliges.
The Clock of Thoth: A Poem
Tefna listening to the sound of the Clock of Thoth tick.
The young woman called Tefna
was in her apartment bedroom
listening to the sound of
the Clock of Thoth tick
A clock designed by her father
A master clock maker
At the stroke and bong of each hour
Two figures would come out
The first was Thoth
The ibis headed ancient Egyptian god
Of the moon, magic and writing
And of course the Egyptian god who
was the recorder of time
The other figure was an Egyptian Pharaoh
who bore the likeness of the young
Actor/Director Orson Welles
The year was 1945
The date was August 6th
Feast of the Transfiguration
On the Church calendar
When Christ showed his Divine Deity
To his Apostles Peter, James and John
Tefna awaited news on what would become of her fiance
a sailor in the U.S. Navy still involved in the War In The Pacific
against Japan
Thor’s lightning bolt insigna warriors in Germany
had surrendered months earlier
but no word yet on those who fought for the ancient gods of Japan
A young American scientist J. Robert Oppenheimer
was seeking to become the Hindu god Shiva
The destroyer and transformer of worlds
But Tefna was unaware of him and his plans
And what they could possibly mean for her
As she listened to the ticking of the Clock of Thoth
On the wall
Tick-tock! Tick-tock!
As she always did at this same time every night
Before she went to bed
In the apartment next door
Hera the divine goddess queen of the Olympians
awaited the report of an immortal private eye
Carson Cody Albion
The Greek goddess Hera- that’s Juno to the ancient Romans!
She had suspected her husband Zeus
was getting it on with the modern goddesses
of the silver screen in Hollywood
The fact that she had heard him talking on the phone
seeking to borrow swan and bull costumes
from studio costume departments
only added to her suspicions.
In the apartment on the other side of Tefna
sat Hestia the Greek goddess of hearth and home
Hestia suspected that hearth and home would come to be neglected in America following the war
As both men and women followed Mammon
the ancient Babylonian god of banking and commerce
Who had helped America defeat Thor’s modern worshippers
All these things were unfolding in the building around Tefna
As she listened to the sound of the Clock of Thoth
tick on the wall
Tick-tock! Tick-tock! went the Clock of Thoth on the wall
As Tefna listened.
The Greek goddess Athena was there in black and white
on the silver screen
in the old repertory movie theatre
in West Hollywood
on January 14th
when Dracul Van Helsing
entered the theatre
and entered the screen
and then entered Athena
to sample hidden portals of wisdom
In the Dashwood Forrest Art Gallery in London
Dashwood Forrest looked at the painting
of Demeter
The Greek goddess of fields, crops and agriculture
looking down on a field of 19th Century French peasant women
Bringing in the sheaves for harvest
Looking at the painting
Dashwood Forrest was shocked to see and hear
Demeter speak to the French women,
What sort of powerful magician could seduce my Persephone
away from her husband
As Athena found tantric sex to be a tantalizing experience
On the silver screen in a West Hollywood repertory theatre
actress Akira Lane was showing a robotics maker
fresh from a technology show in Las Vegas
what wonders old technology could do
when blended with ancient magic
As an Irish Jewish science-fiction writer
George Finneganburg
hastily took notes
Meanwhile in a London casino
Former British Labour MP
The Welsh werewolf Magog Rhys Petley
(whose seat was now held by
British Transhumanist MP
Welsh vampiress Morgana)
walked in on an unexpected orgy
taking place on a casino table
The casino’s kinky quartet looked at him, smiled
and advised him not to miss Lord L’s
Super Wolf Blood Moon Party
in Washington DC
next Sunday night
with the brunette in short skirt and black silk fishnet pantyhose
Sitting atop the casino table
telling him not to miss it for the world
Renfield R. Renfield MP
had just finished writing his speech to move
a motion of non-confidence in Theresa May’s government
following the Brexit vote in the Westminster Parliament tomorrow
When suddenly he walked out into his Parliamentary office
waiting room
Where the Vietnamese vampiress Ho Babylon Minh
was waiting for him
Causing Renfield to burst the zipper on his trousers
When he saw her
He would have to buy himself a new suit
to deliver the speech in Parliament tomorrow
It was a moonlit night in Port Elizabeth South Africa
As the great South African artist SAREJESS
sat in the middle of the street with his easel and canvas
and paintbrush and paints
(praying that no motorists would be driving down the street this late at night to abruptly and undoubtedly painfully put an end to his lunar nocturnal painting expedition)
and painted what he saw
He would paint this quiet tranquil scene
before the ghost of a brontosaurus showed up
and walked across the street
And before the ghost ship of THE ghost ship
The Flying Dutchman
appeared on the surface of the water
on the horizon in the distance
As he sat there painting the canvas,
he wondered whether his wife and family were right
to think he was crazy
And there at one moment in time
somewhere in time
sat Tefna
always anxiously sitting on the bed
always anxiously awaiting for the phone to ring
to bring her news of her love
Same place
Same time
Night after night
but no sound of a phone ringing
Only the sound of the Clock of Thoth ticking
Tick-tock! Tick-tock!
-A poem and vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday January 14th
2019.
Special Firing Line Episode On PBS: Ghost of William F. Buckley Jr. Interviews British MP Renfield R. Renfield
February 9, 2019 at 11:48 pm (Commentary, Culture, Film, Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, Gothic romance, History, International Intrigue, Mystery, News, Politics, Romance, Spy Tales, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (Anahita, Black Dragon, Daughter of Fu Manchu, Dracul Van Helsing, Ho Babylon Minh, Mei-ling Manchu, PBS Public Affairs Program Firing Line, PBS Television, Persian goddess Anahita, Princess Ubolratana Rajakanya of Thailand, Renfield R. Renfield, Thai Princess Ubolratana Rajakanya, The Black Dragon, The Ghost of Orson Welles, The Ghost of Sir Winston Churchill, The Ghost of William F. Buckley Jr., Vietnamese Vampiress Ho Babylon Minh, William F. Buckley Jr., Xi Jinping, Zeus' Kraken Cometh)
Due to the cosmic intertwining of the CERN Large Hadron Collidor in Switzerland and Dracul Van Helsing’s time travelling Houdini-Tesla-Pantages prototype Magic Lantern in a West Hollywood repertory movie theatre, this year’s supernaturally produced episode of PBS’ Firing Line featuring the ghost of William F. Buckley Jr. interviewing British MP Renfield R. Renfield was able to be watched by actor Jimmy Stewart and actress Lana Turner on the set of the film Ziegfeld Girl in 1941.
Due to Hades the Greek god of the Underworld wanting to see it happen and His Conceited Humbleness Pope Francis not wanting to see it happen, Hades ordered the temporary dispensational release of the ghost of the conservative commentator William F. Buckley Jr. from Purgatory to interview British MP Renfield R. Renfield on a special episode of the PBS public affairs show Firing Line on television.
Studio floor director for the show would be the ghost of Orson Welles.
The studio audience would be made up of the ghost of Sir Winston Churchill surrounded by the ghosts of the greatest of the female Ziegfeld Follies girls of the 1920s and ’30s.
As the ghost of Sir Winston Churchill sat in the audience with a big cigar, an ample bottle of brandy and one huge smile on his face, the show began.
“So, tell me, Mr. Renfield,” Buckley’s ghost sat there with a huge spectral copy of The Complete and Unabridged Oxford Dictionary on his lap giving him a spectral hernia, “if you could sum up what’s wrong with the state of America today in just one sentence, what would you say?”.
“Well,” Renfield poured himself a 20 ounce glass of Jack Daniel’s, “if you keep in mind that the terms I use in my statement are the terms exactly as defined by the Greek philosopher Plato in his work The Republic, America’s biggest problem is that its left wing oligarchy suffers from the massive delusion that it is a genuine aristocracy while its rightist tyrant suffers from the massive delusion that he is a genuine monarch.”
“I say,” Buckley was impressed, “That’s quite good actually.”
“Thank you,” Renfield grinned.
In the studio audience, Churchill’s ghost applauded as a lovely and very curvy Ziegfeld girl massaged his cigar.
In the TV audience at home watching, Bill Clinton seethed with jealousy as he saw Churchill’s cigar being massaged.
As for Hillary, she seethed with indignation at Renfield’s comment about the left wing oligarchy since it hit a little too close to home for her liking.
“And what of Russia?” Buckley asked as he sipped from a cup of tea with a picture of the late Soviet leader Leonid Brezhnev on it bearing the tattoed inscription LOSER on his forehead.
“Well,” Renfield ignored the Russian bear (possessed by the ghost of Rasputin) operating Camera #2 trying to hypnotize him with his magnetic looking eyes, “Russia’s problem is Vladimir Putin who’s trying to create a country that’s a synthesis of old Czarist Imperial Russia and the Stalinist Soviet Union. Such a synthesis is ultimately bound to fail.”
“And what then should Putin do?” Buckley asked as he picked up a copy of Nikolay Chernyshevsky’s 1863 novel What Is To Be Done?.
“Drop the Stalinist model and concentrate all efforts on Czarist Imperial Russia returning,” Renfield remarked as he drank from a very rare 1894 bottle of Russian vodka.
“Hear! Hear!” Churchill’s ghost ejaculated as his right leg was being massaged by a beautiful and very lovely White Russian exile girl Ziegfeld dancer.
“And what about China?” Buckley asked as he ate from a Lydo Chinese Food Styrofoam carton that had a picture of Richard M. Nixon and Chairman Mao Tse-tung eating 1000-year-old eggs and washing them down with bucketloads of French champagne on the carton cover.
“Well,” Renfield gazed at the lovely Asian dragon emblazoned slit skirted dress wearing vampiresses the Chinese Communist vampiress Mei-ling Manchu (daughter of the late Dr. Fu Manchu so maligned by Sax Rohmer) and the Vietnamese vampiress Ho Babylon Minh (granddaughter of the late Vietnamese President Ho Chi Minh) who were espionage operatives for the Beijing government and were standing at the back of the studio, “China is the world’s true superpower while America is the Wizard of Oz full of hot air and sitting behind a curtain and trying to shadow box with others by using faded silhouettes of its former glory.”
“My country reduced to the light and shadow contrasts of dark alleys and dying street lamps of the set of an old Film Noir movie,” the ghost of Orson Welles made a cameo appearance statement to the camera.
“On another matter,” Buckley smiled with the beatific smile of a smiling Buddha as the Shall We Dance? theme from the movie The King and I played in the background, “why have your former boss the London based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set and his Persian carpet warehouse business partner the Persian goddess Anahita decided to try and make Thai Princess Ubolratana Rajakanya the next Prime Minister of Thailand?”.
Renfield looked like he had been hit by a sledgehammer (which he would have been by both Mei-ling Manchu and Ho Babylon Minh on orders of the entity known as the Black Dragon if he hadn’t answered the question about China in the correct way).
“What?” Renfield looked totally shocked.
“Well,” Renfield regained his composure, “it’s like the man said to the mousetrap when it caught ahold of his testicles, You’ve really got me there.”
-A vampire novel
written by Christopher
Saturday February 9th
2019.
Thai Princess Ubolratana Rajakanya: The billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set and the Persian goddess Anahita want her to become the next Prime Minister of Thailand.
Homage is being paid to Thai Princess Ubolratana Rajakanya by Watson Holmes the Executive Vice-President of Set Enterprises
Thai Princess Ubolratana Rajakanya: Renfield R. Renfield was unable to answer the $64 million dollar question about her connection to Set and Anahita posed by the ghost of William F. Buckley Jr. on the PBS public affairs program Firing Line.
The Persian goddess Anahita: What does she have planned for Thailand?
Only the vampire Set and her hairdresser know for sure.
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