North By Northwest: Red August of The Sturgeon Moon
Cary Grant and Eva Marie Saint in Alfred Hitchcock’s 1959 film North By Northwest
Alfred Hitchcock’s 1959 film North By Northwest starring Cary Grant and Eva Marie Saint is a tale of spies, danger and intrigue.
And Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster was in his lobster tank at London’s Set Enterprises watching the film on his waterproof 72 inch widescreen flat screen TV.
Why was Michelangelo watching this film on this night of all nights?
Therein hangs a tale.
Quite possibly a fish tale (fish tail).
Tonight was the night of the full moon- the August full moon – called the Sturgeon Moon.
It is said among fishermen that the best night to catch sturgeon was on the night of the Sturgeon Moon (the August full moon).
Interestingly enough tonight’s full moon- the August Sturgeon Moon- will be the last supermoon of this year.
This Sturgeon Moon will be the fourth supermoon in a row after the Buck Moon in July, Strawberry Moon in June and Flower Moon in May.
A celestial meteor shower will also be seen tonight in conjunction with this year’s last Supermoon.
Anyhow since tonight’s full moon is a Sturgeon Moon (and a Sturgeon Supermoon at that) and it is said among fishermen that the best night to catch sturgeon was on the night of the Sturgeon Moon, Michelangelo’s employer the London based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set decided to go fishing in Canada’s Northwest to catch sturgeon.
And it was then that Renfield mentioned the film North By Northwest to Michelangelo.
So Michelangelo was watching the movie.
In the film version that Michelangelo was watching, the film’s villain Phillip Vandamm (played by James Mason) says, “One day our side of the Cold War will take over the American FBI.”
. . .
The United States’ Neo-Bolshevik Communist Attorney-General Merrick Garland was holding a press conference discussing the Neo-Bolshevik Communist FBI raid on Donald Trump’s Mar-a-Lago estate.
As he took questions, he was suddenly confronted by the ghost of famous American criminal trial lawyer and defense attorney Johnnie Cochran.
Said Cochran to Garland,
“You’re a Marxist-Leninist man
Who belongs in the nearest trash can
Mark my words
You pile of turds
The day of reckoning is soon at hand
And you won’t have a leg to stand
You’re always seeking to intimidate
Cause you have no tool to use to masturbate …”
. . .
At the Vatican, Pope Francis was looking flashed and flushed after having spent the day meeting with members of Rome’s transvestite transexual prostitute community.
This was the fourth time this year that the pontiff had met with the group.
A statement issued from the Vatican Press Office said that Pope Francis was offering spiritual comfort to them.
Now Pope Francis was getting his daily briefing of world events from one of his Jesuit aides.
When the aide had finished, Francis directed him to “find out which entity it was who had hired the ghost of Johnnie Cochran to act as Donald Trump’s ghostly defense attorney.”
-A vampire novel chapter
Written by Christopher
Thursday August 11th
2022.
From Key Largo To Mar-A-Lago
Actress Claire Trevor won the 1948 Best Supporting Actress Award for her portrayal of former nightclub singer Gaye Dawn in the 1948 film Key Largo that starred Humphrey Bogart, Lauren Bacall and Edward G. Robinson
Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster was in his lobster tank at Set Enterprises Laboratories in London, England.
He was watching the 1948 film Key Largo on his waterproof 72 inch wide flat screen TV.
He was doing so on the recommendations of his good friends British MP Renfield R. Renfield and world-renowned concert pianist Amadeus Emanon.
In one scene as Claire Trevor’s character of Gaye Dawn stood smoking a cigarette in the lobby of the Hotel Largo,
Edward G. Robinson’s character of mobster Johnny Rocco orders hostage Frank McCloud (Humphrey Bogart) to turn on the radio while hostage Nora Temple (Lauren Bacall) paints her fingernails an indeterminate colour as the film was shot in black and white.
After McCloud turned the radio on, the film version that Michelangelo was watching suddenly took a strange sci-fi twist as the radio of the lobby of the Hotel Largo in Key Largo, Florida in 1948 picked up a news story from the year 2022.
Said the radio announcer, “U.S. President Joe Biden just can’t help himself. Joe Biden was eager to fondle girls and sniff hair after being cooped up for two weeks in Covid isolation in the White House.
Biden arrived in Lexington, Kentucky Monday morning to survey damage from the recent floods that the trio of Al Gore, Pope Francis and Bill Gates blamed on global warming, climate change and the refusal of the American worker to eat bugs for breakfast, lunch and supper.
A maskless Joe Biden repeatedly coughed into his hand as he sat next to Kentucky Gov. Andy Beshear (Democrat) at a press conference.
Beshear leaned away from Biden as the President continuously hacked into his hand.
First Lady Jill Biden hovered over Joe to make sure he stayed in line as they visited families impacted by the Kentucky floods.
But Joe just couldn’t keep his paws off of young women.
Creepy Joe even sniffed a woman’s hair.”
In an action that wasn’t even mentioned in the original Key Largo movie script written by director John Huston and screenplay writer Richard Brooks, Johnny Rocco went completely beserk and shot and killed all of the Hotel Largo hostages (thus bringing the movie to a sudden and abrupt end) because he couldn’t believe that a pervert such as Joe Biden could ever be elected President of the United States.
Michelangelo picked up the remote with one of his lobster claws and shut off the TV.
From a nearby room, he could hear Set Enterprises’ scientist Dr. Marmalade Montague listening to British MP Renfield R. Renfield’s Tuesday night podcast.
Said Renfield, “Yesterday Neo-Bolshevik Communist operatives in the American FBI raided Donald Trump’s home at the Mar-a-Lago estate in Florida…”
Michelangelo adjusted his waterproof blankets and patted his waterproof pillow and picked up a copy of the book Phil Huston’s Tales To Battle Insomnia off his nightstand.
The lobster immediately fell asleep after reading the first sentence of the first chapter.
He had a dream (or was it a vision?) of the Neo-Bolshevik Communist FBI raid on Donald Trump’s Mar-a-Lago estate.
He saw that the ghosts of Lavrentiy Beria (head of Josef Stalin’s NKVD Soviet secret police) and Jeffrey Epstein (pervert extraordinaire and close friend and bum buddy of influential politicians and globalist billionaires alike) were the ones leading the Neo-Bolshevik Communist FBI raid on the Mar-a-Lago estate.
What, Michelangelo wondered, were Beria and Epstein doing leading an FBI raid on Trump’s Mar-a-Lago estate?
Meanwhile Donald Trump was having a phone conversation with his daughter Ivanka about the raid.
Said Donald to Ivanka, “I’m glad I left my dirty underwear in my safe. That will serve those Commie bastards in the FBI right as they sift through my underwear.”
Ivanka answered, “So you were able to keep all your dirty underwear in a single safe? I don’t think all of the safes in all of Fort Knox would be able to hold all of Joe Biden’s dirty underwear.”
Meanwhile in the Oval Office…
PLOOP !
Voice of Joe Biden (whining) : “Kamala, come change me…”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday August 9th
2022.
Renfield’s Podcast For Saturday July 23rd 2022
Ava Gardner appeared in British MP Renfield R. Renfield’s dreams
British MP Renfield R. Renfield was dreaming about Ava Gardner when his alarm clock went off.
“Darn,” Renfield turned off the alarm.
He looked at his watch.
Almost time for his live Saturday night podcast.
“Usually my late Saturday afternoon and early evening power naps aren’t so exciting,” Renfield sighed.
Renfield walked over to his desk.
“Good evening,” Renfield sat in front of his PC, “The despicable Mario Draghi has resigned as Prime Minister of Italy and new Parliamentary elections have been called. Hopefully Italians will now elect a government that’s opposed to the globalist policies of the World Economic Forum.”
Renfield went on to his next item, “The U.S. Navy has announced that it will start serving plant-based “meat” to its overseas service personnel as part of its efforts to fight climate change.”
Renfield then showed a video of Russian President Vladimir Putin laughing his head off.
“Between transgenderism and serving phony meat meant for wusses, the U.S. Armed Forces won’t have any real men left,” Renfield pointed out.
He then shows a video of Communist China’s paramount leader Xi Jinping rubbing his hands in glee.
“Over in Canada, Canadian farmers are showing their solidarity with Dutch farmers whose farms and livelihoods are being threatened by the pro-WEF Fascist/Corporatist government of Holland,” Renfield explained, “This is a video showing Canadian farmers driving their vehicles down an Ontario highway flying both the Dutch and Canadian flags on their vehicles and heading towards Ottawa where they will protest in front of the Dutch Embassy.”
Renfield then showed a photo of the Chief of Police of the Ottawa Police Service.
The man was seen sporting an Adolf Hitler haircut and an Adolf Hitler moustache.
“Meanwhile,” Renfield continued, “the Gestapo loving scumbags in the Ottawa Police Service say that motor vehicle protests aren’t allowed in Ottawa and violators will be arrested. Of course where in Canadian law or the Canadian Constitution does it say that motor vehicle protests aren’t allowed? Nowhere. Like Canada’s Neo-Stalinist tyrant Justin Trudeau and his Nazi/Communist hybrid hag henchwoman Chrystia Freeland, the Gestapo loving scumbags in the Ottawa Police Service are arbitrarily pulling made up laws out of their AIDS and monkeypox infested assholes. And of course no Leftist in North America is calling for the defunding of this group of clowns- a police service that actually deserves to be defunded. Whose members should all be fired and new recruits called in. Ones whose minds haven’t been destroyed by that mental veneral disease known as totalitarianism that seems to have infected the minds of the current members of the Ottawa Police Service.”
Renfield then concluded his podcast with a video showing Bill Gates eating filet mignon in an expensive restaurant while yacking into his smart phone about how the world’s lower classes need to start eating bugs and loving it.
Over at the Vatican, Pope Francis was in bed and dreaming about his upcoming visit to Edmonton.
Renfield went to bed and was once again dreaming of Ava Gardner.
She was reprising her 1951 film role of Pandora while James Mason as the Captain of The Flying Dutchman was telling her that he had once sailed his ship down the North Saskatchewan River in Alberta, Canada and had encountered a Demon Buffalo while doing so.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday July 23rd
2022.
Mistress of The Dark
Greek goddess Aphrodite filling in for vintage horror movie TV show hostess Vampira on a summer evening in Los Angeles in 1954
Vampira hosted a vintage horror movie TV show on the Los Angeles ABC TV affiliate KABC-TV from 1954 to 1955.
It was a summer evening in 1954 and Vampira had come down with laryngitis.
How was she to host her show tonight?
It was fortunate for Vampira that her drinking companion that night was the Greek goddess Aphrodite.
Aphrodite volunteered to fill in for her.
The scene now switches to a Los Angeles home where 8-year-old Henry a rather precocious boy used to go downstairs to the living room while his parents were asleep and turn on the family black and white TV on low volume and watch The Vampira Show on late night TV.
Tonight he was doing the same again.
The show’s announcer announced, “Regrettably Vampira is unable to host the show tonight…”
“Awwww…” said Henry.
“However Aphrodite is going to fill in for her and here’s Aphrodite…”
“Yay,” said Henry when he saw her.
Henry didn’t think much of the movie being shown but he did like the scenes where Aphrodite gave commentary.
Having divine sight, the goddess saw the psychopathic clown that had entered Henry’s family home and was holding a knife over Henry as the boy sat on the floor in front of the television.
She grabbed the vampire stake from inside the movie being shown and putting her hand through the TV screen in the living room staked the psychopathc clown to death.
“Wow, cool,” Henry enthused.
His mother was not so enthusiastic when she saw the mess on the living toom floor the next morning.
Henry was unable to sit down comfortably for the next week.
-A short story
and vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday June 30th
2022.
Renfield R. Renfield Shows A Movie Trailer On His Podcast
British MP Renfield R. Renfield would be showing a movie trailer for a global blockbuster new movie on his Monday night podcast.
Fans of the Renfieldian podcast wondered what new movie he’d be showing a trailer for.
So they tuned in to find out.
Said Renfield, “This is a trailer I’ve written, directed and produced myself.
My friend the ghost of Orson Welles is doing the voice-over narration for the trailer.”
Renfield then showed the trailer.
Narrator and movie trailer announcer: For all those of you who were frightened to death by CORONAVIRUS (released in the autumn of 2019) and were so frightened you spent time locked inside your houses isolated and alone and quarantined from the rest of the world driving small businesses, family owned grocery stores and neighbourhood locally owned restaurants into bankruptcy while Amazon, Walmart, Costco and Big Pharma made grossly huge and obscenely excessive profits, the makers of CORONAVIRUS (2019) are pleased to bring you this spring MONKEYPOX: The Sequel.
Bill Gates is back in his role as the billionaire oligarch who wants to reduce the world’s population to 500 million people as it is written on the mysterious and suspiciously erected Georgia Guidestones.
Klaus Schwab reprises his role as the German engineer who wants to bring you a totalitarian One World Government and have everyone either dead or turned into a robotic cyborg by the year 2030.
George Soros returns as the nauseatingly annoying pipsqueak of a billionaire who engages in such evil endeavours because he’s… well… just plain evil.
Dr. Tedros Adhanom Ghebreyesus is back in his supporting role as the non-medical doctor doctor Tigray People’s Liberation Front Neo-Maoist head of WHO- the World Health Organization- controlled and owned by the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation, Big Pharma and the Chinese Communist Party although that fact is not mentioned and advertised on their letterhead stationery.
Joe Biden puts in a cameo appearance as the diaper wearing senile old fool who wants to give WHO absolute global control over managing the health policy of every nation on the planet.
And Kamala Harris puts in a cameo appearance as a dumbed down version of the villainess Madame Defarge from Charles Dickens’ A Tale of Two Cities as she cackles her way through television interviews in which she sings the praises of child sacrifice to Baal and Moloch.
Dr. Anthony Fauci guest stars as the evil mad scientist (so beloved by the brainless mainstream media) who relishes in telling every American citizen what to do and how to follow the science even though the science Dr. Fauci follows changes hour by hour.
Jorge Mario Bergoglio is back in his supporting role as the Satanic AntiPope Francis who tells his flock to take whatever vaccine Bill Gates and company is offering them even if it kills them.
Announcer and Trailer Narrator (in very sinister tones): Be afraid.
Be very afraid.
Because that’s what the brainless mainstream media wants you to be…
Announcer and trailer narrator (in very bold and grandly eloquent overdramatic tones): MONKEYPOX: The Sequel.
Coming soon to a planet of nutcases and morons near you.
-A Renfieldian movie trailer
and vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday May 23rd
2022.
Sophia Loren, Yvonne de Carlo and Gina Lollobrigida will not be appearing in this turkey of a film
The Lounge Singer
Cantolina Aguirre the lounge singer
It was May 1949.
And Carson Cody Albion was sitting in a high class cocktail lounge in Los Angeles.
The name of the lounge was The Purple Canary.
Albion wasn’t sure whether there was such a thing as a purple canary.
He thought most canaries were yellow.
But then again up until 1697, most Europeans thought all swans were white.
Then came 1697.
And Dutch explorer Willem de Vlamingh discovered black swans in Australia.
So maybe there are purple canaries.
Perhaps someday one will be found on the moon.
What made him think of the moon just now?
His eyes and ears returned to the singer and the song.
Cantolina Aguirre was singing the song Blue Moon.
When the song was over, Cantolina Aguirre came and sat at Albion’s table.
“Nice of you to sit here,” Albion smiled.
“I’m your contact,” Cantolina explained.
“Contact?” Albion looked puzzled.
“Didn’t Soong Mei-ling hire you to escort weapons from the Aladdin Tea Company Warehouse to the ship Blue Tiger down at the docks?” Cantolina inquired.
Soong Mei-ling was Madame Chiang Kai-shek the First Lady of the Republic of China.
She was the wife of Generalissimo Chiang Kai-shek the President of China.
The Kuomintang Chinese Nationalist government was currently in trouble and there was the possibility that China could fall to Mao Tse-tung’s Communists.
Concerned people across the U.S. were sending arms to Chiang’s government worried that the U.S. government wasn’t doing enough.
“She did,” Carson nodded, “but I was expecting my contact to be Chinese.”
“I was born in Shanghai,” Cantolina answered, “My father worked at the Spanish Consulate in the city.”
“Wow, don’t I have egg on my face,” Albion remarked after a waiter accidentally spilled Egg Foo Yung all over him.
Cantolina gave him the passwords he was to use at both the warehouse and the loading docks for the ship Blue Tiger.
Albion stood up to go on his mission.
“I’ll be working here until 2 AM, ” she said as she got up to return to the stage.
“Do you ever make love to any of your contacts?” Albion asked before leaving.
Cantolina grabbed a napkin and wrote on it with her red lipstick.
She then folded the napkin.
“Here’s the answer,” she said as she handed him the folded napkin, “Don’t open it until you walk through that door again.”
Later after Albion had completed the mission, he returned to The Purple Canary and walked through the door.
He opened and unfolded the napkin to read her red lipstick answer to his question.
ONCE IN A BLUE MOON.
Cantolina noticed his entrance and his unfolding of the napkin.
She immediately began singing the song Blue Moon.
-A Carson Cody Albion Short Story
Written by Christopher
Monday May 2nd 2022.
Ghost of Orson Welles Dreams He’s Directing Marilyn Monroe In Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice
Marilyn Monroe appeared in Orson Welles’ dream this evening
The ghost of Orson Welles was fast asleep in his favourite armchair in the living room of the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set’s colossal West London mansion.
Earlier this evening Orson Welles had been giving British MP Renfield R. Renfield advice on how to respond to last week’s World Government Summit in Dubai.
At the World Government Summit, World Economic Forum Chairman Klaus Schwab called for One World Government to be implemented immediately.
Also at the World Government Summit in Dubai last week, economist Dr. Pippa Malmgren, who served as Special Economic Policy advisor to America’s scumbag Neo-Conservative President George W. Bush, called for a global Digital Currency.
Under her plan all forms of cash would be scrapped to be replaced by a global digital currency administered by a One World Government.
Back in Canada the moronic Neo-Stalinist tyrant Justin Trudeau said that any talk of an impending world government was just a conspiracy theory.
Castro’s low-IQ Canadian son was immediately hit in the face with a poison mushroom cream pie thrown by the invisible 6 foot 8 tall Welsh pooka purple bunny rabbit Harvey Tallbanger.
On behalf of Renfield, the ghost of Orson Welles directed a commercial warning of the dangers of a One World Government and a global Digital Currency.
In the commercial Orson had the ghost of Charles Laughton playing a high-tech digital age Roman Emperor Caligula arguing on the need for a global Digital Currency.
Laughton played an insane power mad Caligula perfectly.
As Caligula had the rear end of his horse marched into the chambers of the U.S. Senate to take his seat, the chief priest of the Galli (the eunuch transgendered priests of the cult of the goddess Cybele in ancient Rome) named Jorgaius Marius Bergoglius Franciscus (who was played by the ghost of Truman Capote) called on the need for everyone to accept the Digital Currency.
Jorgaius Marius Bergoglios Franciscus screamed his head off as the Commander of the Praetorian Guard (played by the ghost of Vincent Price) burnt a mark into the forehead and right hand of the transgendered priest prelate.
“You now have the Digital Currency mark,” the Praetorian Guard Commander smiled, “Darkness falls across the land, the midnight hour is close at hand…”
Orson Welles was now dreaming of directing Marilyn Monroe in his own film adaptation of Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice.
Marilyn Monroe playing Elizabeth Bennett waits on the bottom stairs for Mr. Darcy to show up.
But who was playing Mr. Darcy?
Welles woke up at that point.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday April 6th
2022.
Renfield’s Monday Night Podcast and Michelangelo’s Vision of Renfield At Future Oscars
Violinist Tina Guo is performing with the Hans Zimmer Live Tour over in Europe
Hans Zimmer won Best Musical Score for the movie Dune at last night’s Oscars
British MP Renfield R. Renfield was doing a Monday night podcast.
Said Renfield, “A few days ago senile old fool Joe Biden was in Poland shooting his mouth off about “freedom” and “liberty”.
What does a vaccinazi despot like Joe Biden know about “freedom” and “liberty” when he wanted to impose a national vaccine mandate on all of America?
The senile old fool Joe Biden also called for “Putin to be removed from power”. There’s nothing like tellng the leader of a rival nuclear power that you want him removed from power.
Of course Joe Biden’s handlers want nuclear war with Russia.
That way they can reduce the world’s population without waiting for those vaccine booster shots to kick in.
Although they are doing an excellent job in my own country of England.
British government data shows that 92.2% of all Covid deaths are among the triple vaccinated.
And last week Eastern European members of the European Parliament gave visiting Canadian Neo-Stalinist tyrant Justin Trudeau the raspberry that he so richly deserved.
Romanian and Croatian MEPs mentioned how he sent police horses to trample peaceful protestors and then passed an Emergencies Act so that he could seize the bank accounts of people whose political views he disagreed with.
This is the stuff of dictatorship the Romanian and Croatian MEPs pointed out (who were all too familiar with Communist dictators in their own countries).
Even the Presidents of both El Salvador and Honduras have called Justin Trudeau a despot and a dictator for sending police horses to trample protestors and for seizing bank accounts.
Personally I think Justin Trudeau should be publicly hanged by the neck until dead and his Nazi/Communist hybrid hag henchwoman Chrystia Freeland should be burnt at the stake as a witch.
Failing that, both of them should be charged with high treason against the Charter of Rights in the Canadian Constitution (that Justin’s stepdad Pierre had put in) and then thrown in jail.
If Justin Castro Trudeau was to have his lily white ass sodomized numerous times while he was in prison,that would be the best thing that could ever happen to him.”
. . .
Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster had a vision of a future Oscars ceremony some years down the road.
Renfield had been nominated for the role of Best Actor for playing the role of Prince Hal in a Kenneth Branagh directed production of William Shakespeare’s Henry IV Part 1.
Michelangelo was surprised to see Renfield was married in the vision as he sat at a front table close to the stage with his wife.
A foul mouthed comedian Justin Trudeau was to present the next award for Best Porn Film (a new Oscar category) in Michelangelo’s vision.
Foul mouthed comedian Justin Trudeau was a former Canadian Prime Minister who had been jailed for treason for a number of years.
Despite Justin Trudeau having been such a huge asshole, believe it or not his anus was a lot bigger after it had left prison than it was before coming in.
The foul mouthed alleged comic Justin Trudeau made an obscene insulting remark about Renfield’s wife.
Renfield got up on to the stage and approached the foul mouthed comic.
“Oh, oh,” one of the Academy Awards commentators could be heard saying, “I wonder if Renfield is going to punch Justin Trudeau like Will Smith did to Chris Rock a few years back.”
Renfield reached into his pocket, pulled out a gun and blew Justin Trudeau’s head off.
Justin Trudeau lay dead on the stage in a pool of blood- his perfectly coiffured hair now a tangled mess.
“Oh, oh,” one of the other commentators said, “I wonder what can be done about this situation as Renfield was granted a 007 License To Kill by Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II a few years back. Maybe if he wins the Best Actor Award for his portrayal of Prince Hal in Henry IV Part 1, they’ll take the Oscar away from him.”
“Not if they want to live until the next morning, they won’t,” his commentating partner suggested.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday March 28th
2022.
Renfield’s Regency Croquet Match: All Is Fair In Love and War
After watching an episode of a television series that was set in Regency England, British MP Renfield R. Renfield fell asleep and dreamed that he was a young nobleman in Regency England.
After escorting the Prince Regent through local ale houses and giving advice to Arthur Wellesley the Duke of Wellington on how to defeat Napoleon, Renfield set out for high tea at Lady Vandeermeer’s Estate.
There he met two beautiful charming young ladies with whom he discussed the novels of Jane Austen.
In the middle of his watercress sandwich the valet to Lady Vandermeer delivered Renfield a note from his sometimes rival the Russian Vladimir Painintheassovich.
Vladimir Painintheassovich told Renfield that he was out on the Estate’s grounds with two gentlemen and that they would like to challenge Renfield to a game of croquet that is if Renfield could find two other partners to form a team.
Renfield immediately invited his two charming young Jane Austen Literary Society companions to form a team with him.
Renfield, his two lovely young literary society companions and a corgi who will serve as ball retriever
Renfield and his lovely young companions approached their rivals.
The Russian Vladimir Painintheassovich stood directly across from Renfield.
On Vladimir’s right was the Emperor Napoleon and on his left Ares the Greek god of war.
Lady Vandermeer’s valet brought some Ukrainian perogies with sour cream for Renfield and his companions to munch on before the match began.
Vladimir, Napoleon and Ares ate blood sausages and salt water tears wept by a young widow and her children.
When the match started, Renfield hit a ball that went flying into the right temple of the Emperor Napoleon and sent the Little Corporal unconscious alongside the Estate pond.
“Napoleon appears to have met his Waterloo,” Renfield remarked.
Ares sent his ball flying at the little corgi knocking him out cold.
“Thou black hearted snerd,” said Renfield’s lovely teammate who was wearing the green velvet dress with hints of gold decorating.
Ares’ nose was broken by the ball fired by the beauty in the green dress.
The god of war was carried off the croquet field.
Vladimir Painintheassovich called out to the beauty wearing the peach pink dress with hints of gold decorating.
“Hey babe, how would you like to see me ride a horse shirtless?” He said.
“I think all horses are shirtless aren’t they?” Answered the beauty in the peach pink dress, “I’ve never seen a horse wear a shirt.”
She fired a croquet ball at the Russian’s balls knocking him off his high horse which he had just crawled up on.
Renfield then finished the Russian off with a croquet ball fired to the forehead.
The MP then woke up.
“Ah, if only life were like a Regency England croquet match,” he ordered himself a cup of tea.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday March 23rd
2022.
Orson Welles’ Ghost Arranges For Russian Billionaire Oligarch To Be Bumped Off In Switzerland
The Russian oligarch billionaire felt like he was entering a scene in a late 1940s Film Noir movie.
Which in a sense he was.
Billionaire oligarch Hunterovich Pervertovsky (the son of the senile old fool Russian billionaire oligarch Josef Pervertovsky famous for going around sniffing the hair of beautiful women and for always wanting to dangle young girls on his lopsided knees as his pair of Russian made Depends dangled around his brown coloured ankles) was standing face to face with a woman who was the spitting image of actress Laurette Luez in the 1949 Film Noir movie D.O.A.
The entire scene had a black and white feel to it.
That’s because it was being directed by the ghost of the great film director Orson Welles.
His friend the Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing had arranged for the pro-Taiwan Vietnamese secret agent Ho Babylon Minh to drop a Mickey into Hunterovich Pervertovsky’s hot toddy as he ate his rotisserie chicken accompanied by Black Sea caviar in the Swiss chalet restaurant.
Unbeknownst to him a Ukrainian band with a Ukrainian ukulele player played that old Canadian restaurant TV commercial song “Life should taste as good as Swiss Chalet” from the top floor of the chalet as Ho slipped the mickey into his drink.
Hunterovich hit the floor faster than one of his many dropped laptops.
He soon found himself in this room, his head was spinning in a haze and everything looked black and white to him.
And he saw this vision:
Actress Laurette Luez smoking a cigarette
“There’s a glass of vodka in front of you, Comrade Uber-capitalist Hunterovich Pervertovsky,” Miss Luez pointed with her shapely leg.
Pervertovsky picked up the glass and drank.
His face suddenly turned very red like the flags rising above the Saint Petersburg Winter Palace on a Julian calendar October day in 1917.
“I believe it’s Polonium-210 that you use to get rid of the opponents of your friend Vlad the Exhaler’s regime isn’t it?” Miss Luez smiled, “Well there was enough Polonium-210 in that glass of vodka to kill a race horse. And personally I along with Mr. Welles, Mr. Van Helsing and Miss Ho have nothing against race horses.”
Hunterovich Pervertovsky the son of Josef Pervertovsky was D.O.A.
Meanwhile on Hunterovich Pervertovsky’s laptop (which had just landed at his feet) were the plans for Russia’s newest Kinzhal (Dagger) hypersonic missiles just used in Ukraine.
The plans were delivered to Set Enterprises in London.
And not the British government.
As the Bitish government was under the control of Klaus Schwab’s World Economic Forum and the Great Reset New World Order.
Set Enterprises was not.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday March 20th
2022.
Dracul Van Helsing 
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