Westminster MPs’ Stand-Up Comedy Night For Charity

September 24, 2017 at 7:33 pm (Comedy, Entertainment, Geopolitics and International Relations, Humour, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , )

Westminster MPs’ Stand-Up Comedy Night For Charity

A group of MPs from the Westminster Parliament in London were holding a dinner and a stand-up comedy night to raise money for charity.

Amadeus Emanon and Angelique Dumont decided to attend the dinner.

The dinner was good but then it came time for some of the MPs to perform.

The first one up was British Prime Minister Theresa May.

Said Mrs. May, “I hear there are some here in the Conservative caucus who want to replace me as party leader and as Prime Minister. Since my last name is May, it makes me glad that there’s no one named June in the Tory caucus.”

Mrs. May’s joke fell flatter than a Hollywood starlet’s pre-silicone injection brassiere.

The next up was British Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson.

His routine of “Well, you can call me Johnson or you can call me BJ…” didn’t go over so well either.

Third and last was Tewkesbury In The Cotswolds British Transhumanist MP Renfield R. Renfield.

Renfield began,

“Have you ever wondered what would happen if two immature kids fighting in a playground had access to nuclear weapons?

Well with Donald Trump and Kim Jong-un, we’re about to find out…”

Amadeus winced.

Renfield’s observation was a little too close to the truth to laugh at.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday September 24th
2017.

Advertisements

Permalink Leave a Comment

Allatallahbel In Clear Waters On A Still Night

September 23, 2017 at 7:52 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, Horror, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, )

Allatallahbel In Clear Waters On A Still Night

Allatallahbel the Vampiress Priestess of Baal lay back in the clear waters of the lake.

The night sky ๐ŸŒŒ above her reflected in the waters as she lay.

Allatallahbel wore a bright gold evening dress that shone like the noon day sun.

Below her feet was the reflection of the moon.

The planet Jupiter seemed to reflect just above her belly.

Above her head shone the planets Venus, Mars and Mercury as well as the 9 stars of the constellation Leo reflecting in the waters.

The constellation Virgo reflected on the tranquil waters of the entire lake itself in which Allatallahbel lay.

Suddenly a water snake ๐Ÿ swam out from under her dress giving the impression that she had just given birth to it.

At that very moment the lid of the sarcophagus of Alexander the Great opened in the great Macedonian conquerer’s undiscovered tomb.

Also at that very moment, a huge storm arose on the Sea of Galilee.

And no Nazarene carpenter’s son around to still it.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday September 23rd
2017.

Permalink 6 Comments

Day of The Autumn Equinox In Astana Kazakhstan

September 22, 2017 at 6:16 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , )

Day of The Autumn Equinox in Astana Kazakhstan ๐Ÿ‡ฐ๐Ÿ‡ฟ

The Buddhist Goddess of Mercy Kwan Yin was walking the streets of Astana Kazakhstan ๐Ÿ‡ฐ๐Ÿ‡ฟ where this year’s Expo 2017 had taken place.

She was startled to see the ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith walking the streets along with the Persian Zoroastrian god of evil Ahriman as well as a grey wolf ๐Ÿบ and a Russian Eurasian brown bear ๐Ÿป.

Kwan Yin could see the grey wolf ๐Ÿบ was possessed by the spirit of Adolf Hitler and the Russian Eurasian brown bear ๐Ÿป was possessed by the spirit of Grigori Rasputin.

What were they up to? Kwan Yin wondered to herself.

Behind Kwan Yin, television sets in a store window showed North Korean despot Kim Jong-un watching the music video to Sir Elton John’s song Rocket Man while Donald Trump could be seen looking up the word “dotard” in a medieval 14th Century English dictionary.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday September 22nd
2017.

Permalink 3 Comments

An Aztec Vampiress, A London Car Show and The Tesla Particle Death Beam

September 21, 2017 at 3:35 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, News, Romance, Science-Fiction, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec in her research on the subject discovered that only the Nikola Tesla Particle Death Beam would be capable of destroying the Caribbean Sea kraken Uhluhtc.

And she discovered that the Tesla Particle Death Beam was an accessory on British sanity challenged scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher’s new self-driving electric car The Rocher Le Pied de Hermes which was now on display at a car show in London, England.

The self-driving Rocher Le Pied de Hermes electric car had been given its first test this past spring (Please read https://draculvanhelsing.wordpress.com/2017/04/04/dr-cadbury-rocher-and-his-incredible-self-driving-car/ for details of how that test went).

Dr. Rocher had drastically improved his self-driving electric car since that disastrous first test.

He had also added a new feature to the Rocher Le Pied de Hermes self-driving electric car at the suggestion of Renfield R. Renfield (now a British Member of Parliament).

Renfield’s suggestion was for what he called a Car Owner’s Road Rage Anger Management Button.

And it was this little feature which incorporated the Tesla Particle Death Beam.

If some obnoxious other driver or a car horn pissed off the self-driving electric car’s owner, the owner or even a passenger could push the Car Owner’s Road Rage Anger Management Button

The Car Owner’s Road Rage Anger Management Button had arrows surrounding it and depending on which arrowly direction the Road Rage Anger Management Button was pushed, it would fire a Tesla Particle Death Beam either in front, either side of or the back of the vehicle and disintegrate the offending other vehicle and obnoxious driver (to say nothing of the passengers) into sweet oblivion.

Qonzilqointec enlisted the help of Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing in stealing the Tesla Particle Death Beam off the vehicle at the London car show.
Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec
Qonzilqointec plans to commit Grand Auto Theft with Dracul Van Helsing at the London Car Show

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday September 21st
2017.

Permalink 20 Comments

Of Soccer Players, Renfield and New Orleans Vampiresses

September 20, 2017 at 4:00 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, theatre, Theatre Arts, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

It was a hectic day in the colossal west London mansion of the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set.

Set himself had flown to Atlanta, Georgia to meet former U.S. President Jimmy Carter to discuss an emergency matter that had just come up (involving a WW1 German U-boat submarine).

The butler and valet Athelstan’s mother (who was staying as a guest in the house for a few days) was screaming in her sleep and awakening the whole house, “Oh yes, Senor Messi, yes! You’ve definitely got your balls in the right place. Keep going! Keep going!!”.

Athelstan went running into her room to wake her up, “I have the feeling that if people dream about the same thing, then FC Barcelona’s Lionel Messi is having one Hell of a nightmare.”

Renfield R. Renfield was once again working on a speech he was giving on global affairs in the British House of Commons this time warning that the enigmatic Neo-Nazi billionaire Robur Pike was plotting a hostile takeover of Monsanto warning “that this would be a major threat to agricultural and food production in Africa and Asia given Mr. Pike’s racist and genocidal attitudes.”

And Amadeus Emanon was getting ready for a date with the New Orleans vampiress and songstress Angelique Dumont.

They were planning to go see a play featuring the great London stage actor Sir Carlton Hardisty.

The name of the play was An Evening In London On The Eve of Sarajevo 1914.

Amadeus walked into the mansion’s piano room where Angelique Dumont was waiting for him.
Angelique Dumont

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday September 20th
2017.

Permalink 18 Comments

A Haitian Vampire Huntress, An Aztec Vampiress and A German WW1 U-Boat

September 19, 2017 at 7:47 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

A Haitian Vampire Huntress, An Aztec Vampiress and A German WW1 U-Boat

The Haitian vampire huntress Yoanna Soleil was working in her office in the Haitian capital of Port-au-Prince when her phone rang.

“Hello,” Yoanna picked up her phone.

“Mlle. Soleil, this is the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec,”
said the sensual feminine voice on the other end of the line.

“Well, well, your Imperial Highness,” Yoanna Soleil laughed, “this is a surprise. It’s not often that a vampire huntress gets a phone call from a vampiress. I must warn you however that I’m not like the heterosexual sex addict Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing nor am I lesbian or bisexual in my sexual orientation so you won’t be able to use your seductive, sexy and sensual vampiress charms on me.”

“That’s not what I’m calling about,” Qonzilqointec sounded exasperated, “my penthouse here in Mexico City has just been severely shaken by a 7.1 magnitude earthquake and from my vantage point way up high, I can see dozens of buildings around the city have collapsed.”

“I’m so sorry,” Yoanna Soleil was sincere for her own country had been hit by a devastating earthquake only 7 years ago.

“This is the 2nd major earthquake that has hit Mexico ๐Ÿ‡ฒ๐Ÿ‡ฝ in the past 10 days,” the vampire princess sighed, “as you know an 8.2 magnitude earthquake hit southern Mexico back on September 8th.”

“I know,” Yoanna said then asked, “so why are you calling me?”.

“Well, I don’t have to tell you about all the major hurricanes that have been hitting the Caribbean region this season,” the Aztec vampiress stated.

“No you don’t,” Yoanna agreed.

“That’s why I’m calling you, Mlle. Soleil,” Qonzilqointec’s voice was pleading, “I think what’s been happening is connected. You are aware of course of the kraken Uhluhtc that sleeps at the bottom of the Caribbean Sea.”

Uhluhtc the sleeping Kraken at the bottom of the Caribbean Sea was considered just a legend among the educated elites of the Caribbean, Central America and Mexico.

However both vampiress and vampire huntress having dealt with things supernatural during their respective lifetimes knew that the kraken Uhluhtc was very much real.

“Yes,” Yoanna Soleil answered.

“Uhluhtc is not sleeping anymore,” the Aztec vampiress stated emphatically, “and that is what causing all these major earthquakes and major hurricanes of the moment. I propose we form an alliance to destroy it.”

. . .

The billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set had received a confidential message from German Chancellor Angela Merkel.

“I wonder what this is all about?” Set asked his butler and valet Athelstan as he opened the sealed envelope marked TOP SECRET and CONFIDENTIAL.

“I have no idea, sir,” answered Athelstan who was sporting a black eye having had to rescue his elderly mother (who was currently visiting London) from a bar room brawl in a London pub the night before when she had once again got into a violent argument with another patron over matters relating to British and European football โšฝ๏ธ like she was prone to do.

“The courier said it had something to do with that World War One German UB-II U-Boat submarine they just found off the coast of Belgium ๐Ÿ‡ง๐Ÿ‡ช,” Amadeus Emanon spoke up from the neighbouring piano room.

“I heard about that,” Set answered, “what does that have to do with me? The tomb I was buried alive in for millennia wasn’t opened until Armistice Day in 1918 so I couldn’t have anything to do with the sinking of a German U-Boat submarine.”

“You have an excellent alibi in my opinion, sir,” Athelstan agreed.

“Oh my god Ra,” Set turned paler than even his usual pale looking vampiric self, “it’s who the German government believe was on board that U-Boat submarine that concerns me.”

“And who might that be, sir?” Athelstan inquired politely.

But Set was in such a state of shock that he was at a loss for words.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday September 19th
2017.

Permalink 5 Comments

Renfield, Political Correctness and Krakens

September 18, 2017 at 6:09 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

Renfield, Political Correctness and Krakens

British Transhumanist MP Renfield R. Renfield was making another speech to the UK ๐Ÿ‡ฌ๐Ÿ‡ง House of Commons Parliamentary All-Party Foreign Affairs Committee after having read a blitheringly idiotic statement by Hollywood actor George Clooney on the Charlottesville incident.

Before his speech, Renfield held up for the committee a drawing he had done of George Clooney and various American late night talk show hosts sitting in a school classroom wearing DUNCE caps on their heads.

Said Renfield, “In consideration of the defining moment in history that Charlottesville has become on the road to a new global tyranny that seems to be emerging in the U.S. (political correctness taking the form of an all-encompassing Orwellian super state), we mustn’t be afraid to continuously give the assholes and idiots in the innately stupid American political establishment the raspberry they so richly deserve.”

Renfield took a sip of his martini (shaken not stirred in James Bond 007 fashion).

He continued.

“Now of course, Neo-Nazis and Ku Klux Klansmen are racist scumbags while the anarcho-communistic thugs and hooligans of Antifa are non-racist scumbags but that doesn’t mean that those belonging to Antifa are any less violence prone scumbags,” Renfield finished his martini ๐Ÿธ, “to say otherwise is like saying that Josef Stalin, Mao Tse-tung and Pol Pot weren’t such bad fellows after all since at least they weren’t racist like Adolf Hitler was.”

. . .

“It’s rather unfortunate that Cardinal Robert Sarah is black,” said the liberal Vatican ๐Ÿ‡ป๐Ÿ‡ฆ Cardinal Walter Kasper, “if he was a white man, our great beloved and dear leader Pope Francis would have no qualms about immediately removing him from his post as Prefect of the Congregation For Divine Worship for suggesting such backwardly outdated ideas as priests should be allowed to say the old Latin Tridentine Mass if they wish and that furthermore the Mass should be said ad orientem (towards the East- where Christ is said to return according to our outdated Biblical mythology which is so definitely pre-Vatican II).”

“I wholeheartedly agree,” said Cardinal Reinhard Marx (who lived up to his family name).

. . .

In Rome, the ancient Egyptian vampire Osiris was reading a book ๐Ÿ“– called How To Spot A Good Kraken From A Bad Kraken.

His smart phone went off and he answered it.

It was his wife and sister-in-law the Egyptian Vampiress Isis calling from Paris.

“Darling,” Isis breathed into the phone, “I want you to come to Paris and meet the Kraken Napoleon VI and his lovely wife Medusa.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday September 18th
2017.

. . .

Permalink 2 Comments

Dulcinea Lucia and The Vampiric Knights-Templar

September 17, 2017 at 11:34 pm (Detective story, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, Mystery, Mystery/horror, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

Dulcinea Lucia and The Vampiric Knights-Templar

Once Private Eyes ๐Ÿ‘€ Agathor Christie and Magog Rhys Petley decided to take the case for Allatallahbel the Vampiress Priestess of Baal and search for the 13 Vampiric Knights-Templar who survived French King ๐Ÿ‘‘ Philip the Fair’s Friday October 13th 1307 raid on Jacques de Molay and his fellow Knights-Templars, they started where most Private Eyes would when confronted with such a case.

They went to see a gypsy fortune ๐Ÿ”ฎ teller.

And a young beautiful and sexy one at that.

Dulcinea Lucia the gypsy fortune teller of London’s Carnaby Street.

When they entered her shop, they discovered she was dressed like Elvira the popular American horror movie show hostess of the 1980s- a black evening dress slit at the sides from thigh to ankle, black silk pantyhose and black spiked stiletto high heeled shoes.

This would thus be an interview both men would enjoy.

Dulcinea Lucia told Agathor and Magog that the 13 Knights had managed to escape King Philip’s Friday the 13th raid by being in a Paris brothel at the time.

When informed of the raid, the 13 knights went south to the village of Rennes-le-Chateau in the Languedoc region of southern France ๐Ÿ‡ซ๐Ÿ‡ท.

“Any idea, why there?” Agathor asked.

“One of Jesus’ cousins is buried in a grave there,” Dulcinea Lucia answered.

“The Jesus?” The Marxist atheist former Labour MP Magog raised an eyebrow.

“Yes,” Dulcinea Lucia answered.

“How did they become vampires?” Agathor asked.

“The ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith was in the village of Rennes-le-Chateau at the time,” Dulcinea Lucia answered, “she bit each man on the neck and turned them into vampires on the evening of October 23rd 1307 – 10 days after Philip the Fair’s Friday the 13th October raid on all the lodges and temples of the Knights-Templar in France.”

“And have those 13 Vampiric Knights-Templar survived since then?” Magog queried.

“7 of them were slain inside the Episcopalian Cathedral of St. John The Divine in New York City on Friday October the 13th 2006 while attending a Meatloaf concert being held at the central altar of the cathedral,” Dulcinea Lucia answered.

“The Meat Loaf?” Agathor asked.

“Yes,” Dulcinea Lucia nodded, “the one who sang Bat ๐Ÿฆ‡ Out of Hell, Two Out of Three Ain’t Bad, I’d Do Anything For Love and Rock And Roll ๐ŸŽธ Dreams Come Through.”

“And they had a Meat Loaf concert right at the central altar?” Asked Magog who had visited the Episcopal Cathedral of Saint John The Divine in New York City with Agathor on their recent U.S. trip where they had encountered Shiva the Hindu god of destruction and transformation at that very same central altar.

“It was more of a Knights-Templar Illuminati satanic ceremony where they were going to sacrifice Meat Loaf to the Baphomet because Baphomet wanted both a singer and a meatloaf dish for his birthday so the Illuminati and the Knights-Templar were going to give him a 2 for 1 special,” Dulcinea Lucia opened her book of meatloaf recipes.

“And you said that 7 of the Vampiric Knights Templar were slain at that Friday the 13th October 2006 Meatloaf sacrifice ceremony in the Episcopal Cathedral of Saint John The Divine?” Agathor questioned.

“Yes, the 7 who attended the ceremony,” Dulcinea smoothed her dress, “the other 6 were still in their New York City ๐ŸŒƒ hotel rooms recovering from severe hangovers the night before- hangovers that saved their lives in the long run.”

“Who slew the 7 Vampire Knights that attended the ceremony?” Agathor asked.

“That was Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing and the mighty Lakota Sioux vampire huntress Jennifer Cochran,” Dulcinea Lucia smiled, “both of them were Meat Loaf fans.”

“Of the singer or the dish?” Magog inquired.

“Both,” Dulcinea Lucia smiled and winked.

A bell went off in the kitchen behind her gypsy ๐Ÿ”ฎ ball reading room.

“If you’ll excuse me, gentlemen,” Dulcinea Lucia stood up, “my own meatloaf is ready. Unless you care to join me.”

They did.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday September 17th
2017.

Permalink 16 Comments

Kwan Yin, Dracul Van Helsing, Renfield and Pope Francis

September 16, 2017 at 5:56 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, Religion, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Kwan Yin, Dracul Van Helsing, Renfield and Pope Francis

Kwan Yin stood outside the Prince of Wales Hotel on Upper Waterton Lake.

The Buddhist Goddess of Mercy was wearing a long flowing white dress.

But she was invisible to the Calgary Fire ๐Ÿ”ฅ Department firefighters standing guard outside the hotel.

As the ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith approached in the wind driving the fire towards the hotel, Kwan Yin stood holding a lotus flower ๐ŸŒบin her hand.

When Lilith, wind and fire got to within 100 metres of the Prince of Wales Hotel, Kwan Yin gently blew lotus petals off the lotus flower ๐ŸŒบ in the direction of Lilith, wind and fire.

Lilith immediately fell on her ass with the fire singeing the hem of her scarlet red evening dress.

“Bitch,” Lilith fumed at Kwan Yin.

“The kraken Tutsokiua must not be allowed to arise from his sleep at the bottom of Upper Waterton Lake just yet,” Kwan Yin’s voice was the supreme melody of gentleness in feminine speech.

The Buddhist Goddess of Mercy then vanished leaving Lilith to fume and smoulder along with the ashes and cinders in her hair.

. . .

North Korean despot Kim Jong-un sat in his garden surrounded by fountains, roses and piles of human skulls.

He sat on the ground in lotus position wondering how he’d ever get up again and sang a now virtually forgotten Elvis ๐Ÿ•บ Presley song from the mid-1960s,

“Tell me just how can I take this yoga serious
When all it ever gives to me is a pain in my posterior-us…”

Kim Jong-un made a mental note to himself to have his yoga instructor shot the next day.

In his right hand, he held a daisy flower.

The dictator was awaiting the arrival of Ahriman the Persian Zoroastrian god of evil.

As he waited, Kim pulled a petal off the daisy, saying about Donald Trump, “He loves me…”

Then with the next daisy petal pulled off, he’d say, “He loves me not…”

By the time Ahriman finally arrived, Kim had pulled the final petal off the daisy, “He loves me not…”

. . .

“What’s on your mind, Dracul?” The British Transhumanist Member of Parliament Renfield R. Renfield asked the Canadian vampire hunter.

“Well,” Dracul Van Helsing responded, “I was at a site last night which had a link that I clicked on and the link was to the on-line papal encyclical Laudato Si. It was getting late so I only read the first few paragraphs.
Now I’ve read many other Papal Encyclicals before- those written by Leo XIII, St. Pius X, Pope Pius XI, Pope Pius XII, St. John Paul II and Pope Benedict XVI.
And I must say after reading the first few paragraphs of Pope Francis’ Laudato Si, I felt like I was reading the opening paragraphs of a badly written Grade 7 Junior High School essay rather than the opening paragraphs of a papal encyclical.”

“Maybe in Pope Francis’ case, they amount to the same thing,” Renfield suggested.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday September 16th
2017.

Permalink 8 Comments

Hillary Clinton and The Magic Mirror On The Wall

September 14, 2017 at 5:37 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, News, Politics) (, , , )

Hillary Clinton and The Magic Mirror On The Wall

One of Hillary Clinton’s witch friends had a magic mirror on the wall that was able to correctly answer any question.

Hillary, having written her book called What Happened in which she blamed everyone and everything except for the kitchen sink (well actually she did include the kitchen sink!) for her electoral defeat, had decided to ask the magic mirror who was the one primarily responsible for her devastating defeat.

She went over to the magic mirror on the wall and asked,

Mirror mirror on the wall,
who was the one most responsible
for my electoral defeat last fall?

Was it the FBI’s James Comey,
the Russians,
Green Party candidate Jill Stein,
Bernie Sanders (for having the audacity to run against me in the primaries)…

Mirror mirror on the wall,
who was the one most responsible
for my electoral defeat last fall?

Having asked the question, she awaited the answer as the mirror glass turned to mist and fog.

Then the fog cleared and Hillary looked at the image that was the answer.

“What the Hell? What’s my own image doing reflecting back at me?” Hillary shrieked as the mirror cracked.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday September 14th
2017.

Permalink 5 Comments

Next page »