The House On The Hill: A Poem
The house on the hill was haunted they say
That common belief helped keep people away
Only the brave ventured to play
At the house overlooking Appleton Way
What happened that night many years ago
whispered by people who claimed to know
was loud shots in the night
a desperate search for a light
A woman’s screams
Lace curtains falling at the seams
And then silence fell
No more would dwell
in that house on the hill
Tenancy rate fell to nil
Those who ventured inside that place above Appleton Way
would always return with their hair white or gray
even though their hair colour did not start out that way
when they ventured forth at the break of the day
Their mistake was not in returning before the sun set
Nightfall should have told them, this was no place to let
Visiting the place subject of many a bet
while dark mystery remains at the heart of the Net
It was with this in mind that young Rousseau set out
On a night when the wind was howling about
Dark clouds rolled in
The night blacker than sin
Lightning flashed
Thunder crashed
And of course the door of the house would naturally be opened wide
And Rousseau stepped across the threshold to where the unseen did abide
And Rousseau came face to face with the ghostly vision there
While rainy lightning in the window flashed glowing white glare
Rousseau’s thought then was different from what he had at the start of the day
With this supernatural life and supernatural sight he felt inclined to stay
So now he too inhabits the house above Appleton Way.
-A poem written by Christopher
Tuesday May 21st 2019.
Theodora and Varying Manners of Byzantine Intrigue
After lighting a candle to the Baphomet and the statue of Baal, Pennsylvania Democratic representative Brian Sims of Philadelphia went to bed.
After falling asleep, the Byzantine vampiress Theodora appeared in his bedroom and sprinkled him with Byzantine angel dust.
Sims then dreamed that he was a homosexual bishop back in the days of the Byzantine Emperor Justinian.
Justinian’s method of dealing with homosexual bishops was vastly different from that of Pope Francis.
His method was to castrate the bishops and then to have them paraded nude through the streets of Constantinople.
Instead of a “coming out” parade, it was a “coming off” parade.
Sims screamed as he slept.
He was not enjoying his dream.
Theodora smiled and laughed.
She was.
. . .
French President Emmanuel Macron was unhappy that Britain was going to be participating in European Parliament elections later this month since the Brits had failed yet another deadline to achieve Brexit.
He ate smoked oysters and downed champagne.
He then got on his iPhone and went to FaceTime.
British Prime Minister Theresa May was unhappy that Britain was going to be participating in European Parliament elections later this month since the Brits had failed yet another deadline to achieve Brexit.
She ate hot buttered biscuits and downed gin.
She then got on her iPhone and went to FaceTime.
May shrieked when she looked at her screen.
Emmanuel Macron was only wearing brief undershorts that were decorated with pink coloured daisies and that was it.
Macron shrieked when he looked at his screen.
Theresa May was only wearing hair curlers and that was it.
May gasped, “Emmanuel, we’ve got to stop FaceTiming like this.”
. . .
Miranda the mermaid had shapeshifted into full human form and was lying on the beach at Tel Aviv.
The Greek god Poseidon stepped up out of the ocean.
He had a large seashell to his ear since he was in a teleconferencing call with his brothers Zeus and Hades.
Poseidon ended the call and put the seashell in the back seat of his pants which were made out of seaweed.
“Miranda,” the Greek sea deity called out to the mermaid, “Did you know the ghost of Orson Welles is looking for you?”.
. . .
After filling the Baphomet and Baal worshipping Rep. Brian Sims of Philadelphia with the worst possible nightmares, the Byzantine vampiress Theodora returned to New York City for a nighttime modelling photo shoot.
Where an MI-6 spy operative code named Diablos Nocturna was waiting for her.
They spent a tantalizing evening of tantric sex afterwards.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday May 7th
2019.
The Byzantine vampiress Theodora: The stuff of nightmares to Baal and Baphomet worshippers.
But pleasant dreams to certain MI-6 operatives.
Harvey Tallbanger In Paris
The 6 foot 8 Welsh pooka invisible bunny rabbit Harvey Tallbanger who was personal spy to the London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set was in Paris to see how the Kraken Napoleon VI’s Aquarian Age Bonapartist Party was doing in preparation for next month’s European Parliament elections.
The French Aquarian Age Bonapartist Party leader Napoleon VI (a Kraken) had formed an alliance with one of Set’s former employees the British Transhumanist MP Renfield R. Renfield to run under a joint party banner for the elections.
Of course if Britain somehow managed to Brexit before the elections, Renfield’s party would be out of the running.
Most big shot bureaucrats in Brussels as well as French President Emmanuel Macron and Pope Francis were hoping Britain would manage to Brexit before the elections to prevent Renfield from getting into the European Parliament where he would no doubt use his influence to finish off the globalist New World Order European Union once and for all.
Militant Islamist terrorist groups and the Jesuit order were also upset by Renfield’s decision to sit as an atheist representative on the Committee For The Canonization of Charles Martel.
Of course Charles Martel had a snowball’s chance in Hell of being proclaimed a Saint by the Catholic Church as long as Francis was Pope but it was the principle of the matter that upset the militant Islamist terrorists and the Jesuits.
Harvey Tallbanger had spent the day touring Notre Dame Cathedral with the Kraken Napoleon VI and his lovely wife Medusa (who was now beautiful again after having her head shaved of snakes).
Security personnel did not try to stop Napoleon VI and Medusa from entering the burnt Cathedral because how does one stop a Kraken and a famed former Gorgon from Greek mythology doing something?
As for Harvey, since he was invisible, they were unable to stop him from entering.
“I see both the Cross and the Pieta statue of the Virgin Mary holding the Crucified Jesus at the High Altar were saved,” Harvey noted.
“Yes, a Jesuit priest Father Caiaphas bar Yochai was quite ticked off they managed to survive,” Medusa noted, “he said as much in an interview with a French newspaper yesterday.”
Harvey nodded.
He was aware that Father Caiaphas was the one who had helped the basilisk Basilisk Wrathsbone to escape the Set Enterprises secure barn in England and had then ridden the basilisk to start the fire at Notre Dame by breathing venomous fire.
When they had finished the tour, Napoleon VI and Medusa returned to campaigning for the European Parliament and Harvey had retreated to a Paris cafe called Quasimodo’s.
The cafe had a gypsy dancer called Esmeralda appropriately enough.
When she had finished dancing, she went up to the bar to talk to the 6 foot 8 invisible bunny rabbit.
“You can see me?” Harvey was astonished, “Have you been drinking Harvey Wallbangers?”.
“No, being a gypsy, I have psychic abilities so I can see you,” Esmeralda answered.
“A psychic lobster in London called Michelangelo can also see me,” Harvey nodded.
Esmeralda and the bunny rabbit got around to discussing the fire at Notre Dame.
Harvey Tallbanger happened to mention that there was an animated short film called I Pet Goat 2 made back in 2012 that seemed to prophetically show the spire of Notre Dame Cathedral collapsing like happened this year.
“And the name of this animated short had Pet Goat in the title?” Esmeralda queried.
Harvey affirmed that it did.
“You know the character of Esmeralda in The Hunchback of Notre Dame had a pet goat,” Esmeralda pointed out.
“That’s right, she did,” Harvey recalled.
“Djali was its name,” Esmeralda mentioned.
Harvey ate his jelly donut with a side of goat’s cheese.
Father Caiaphas bar Yochai who had been sitting at a table in the corner of Quasimodo’s and drinking Harvey Wallbangers by the dozen suddenly looked in the direction of the French Roma Gypsy girl and the Welsh pooka bunny rabbit.
“A bunny rabbit?” Father Caiaphas seethed, “I hate bunny rabbits.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday April 27th
2019.
The gypsy Esmeralda
Roast Basilisk In Hell’s Kitchen
The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec and Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing flying the winged horse Pegasus had won the showdown in the Libyan desert with the basilisk Basilisk Wrathsbone and his rider the dark arts practicing Jesuit priest Father Caiaphas bar Yochai this past Wednesday.
The ghost of Howard Cosell had been on the scene doing commentary for the underworld based Baphomet Broadcasting Network until he succumbed to spectral laryngitis.
Qonzilqointec had doused the basilisk Basilisk Wrathsbone with Odour of Weasel Perfume sending the genetically recreated satanic beast plunging to its death in the desert sands.
The evil Jesuit Father Caiaphas bar Yochai had survived the fall due to the combination of basilisk venom and extra strong Starbucks dark roasted coffee he had imbibed prior to combat.
The evil priest was not to get off scott free however for Dracul Van Helsing had used the Sword of Saint George to stab the Baphomet worshipping cleric in his phallus.
After Dwayne the Rock Johnson arrived on the scene to declare Qonzilqointec and Dracul the winners, the couple flew off to the Queen Cleopatra Hotel in Alexandria where they spent an evening of tantric sex together.
Star Wars Star Troopers had arrived from Set Enterprises in London to return the basilisk’s body to Britain.
Father Caiaphas bar Yochai managed to catch an Uber ride with an Islamic State terrorist to Paris, France.
There the now swordless Jesuit looked up the ancient Egyptian vampiress Isis since she had previous experience in creating wooden phalluses having created one for her husband Osiris since that was the one part of his 14 missing body parts (after he was dismembered by their brother Set) that she was unable to find.
The American Jesuit priest Father James J. Martin SJ held a Requiem Mass for Father Caiaphas’ fleshly phallus as he had rather fond memories of it.
The basilisk’s body was delivered to Chef Gordon Ramsay and some of his previous winners on the TV program Hell’s Kitchen.
The Rothschilds and some of their business associates were holding a buffet luncheon dinner this Good Friday in London and thought roast basilisk would be just the thing.
Chef Gordon Ramsay and his Hell’s Kitchen crew were brought in to prepare it.
“It tastes like chicken,” one of the Rothschild associates remarked.
“That’s because basilisk is part rooster as well as part serpent,” Chef Gordon Ramsay explained.
Meanwhile the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set was worried whether his company would face a law suit as his company’s chief scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher was responsible for creating this basilisk that caused the fire at Notre Dame this past Monday April 15th 2019 when the basilisk Basilisk Wrathsbone (driven by the evil Father Caiaphas bar Yochai) breathed venomous fire on repair scaffolding at the cathedral.
However no one on the Paris scene suspected a basilisk as basilisks really hadn’t been around for the past 500 years until Dr. Cadbury Rocher recreated one.
Meanwhile over in France, the ancient Greek god Zeus was having a meeting with French President Emmanuel Macron.
“Monsieur le Presidente,” Zeus spoke impeccable French as he had spent the greater part of the Age of Louis XIV deflowering the loveliest of the French courtesans before the Sun King had the chance to do so, “you may not know this but Notre Dame was built over the site of a Temple of Jupiter. Jupiter was of course the name under which the ancient Romans worshipped me. So I was wondering if you could place a replica of my altar at Pergamum at the top of the new Notre Dame where the old spire and Cross used to be before it collapsed in the towering inferno.”
President Macron, who was busy mentally calculating the age of Zeus’ wife Hera and figuring that she must still be a pretty good looking woman judging from her statues, replied, “Why don’t we discuss this over souvlaki and ouzo?”.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday April 19th
2019.
The Greek goddess Hera: Still an extremely good looking woman
Renfield Vs. Crowley Idolizing Jesuits: Vengeance For The Basilisk Attack On Notre Dame
After Dr. Cadbury Rocher was handed over to his great-grandmother the immortal dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes to get his buns tomatoed for genetically creating the basilisk that caused the fire that engulfed Notre Dame, Renfield was busy tracking down the Aleister Crowley admiring Jesuit priest Father Caiaphas bar Yochai the dark arts practicing sorcerer who flew the basilisk named Basilisk Wrathsbone that set fire to repair scaffolding at Notre Dame with his fiery venomous breath.
Father Caiaphas worked in the Antiquities Section of the Vatican Museum, headed the Rome chapter of the O.T.O. (Ordo Templi Orientis) and served as an advisor on papal liturgies for the Mass to Pope Francis.
Renfield found out in between blood curdling screams screamed by Dr. Rocher in Sherrielock’s dungeon below the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set’s colossal London mansion that the odour of the weasel was apparently fatal to the basilisk.
Renfield bought a bottle of Odour of Weasel Perfume from a discount drug store in London’s Soho district.
He went down to Set Enterprises laboratory and got Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster to visualize the current location of the basilisk Basilisk Wrathsbone.
The Baphomet worshipping Jesuit Father Caiaphas bar Yochai had apparently flown the basilisk to Libya for safety after the disastrous choice he made in getting the basilisk to set fire to Notre Dame with its fiery venomous breath.
The basilisk was a big hit with some of the Islamist terrorist militants there who shouted “Allah akbar!” when Notre Dame went up in flames.
Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing and the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec had volunteered to fight the basilisk and Father Caiaphas.
Qonzilqointec and Dracul had flown to Amman Jordan to meet Pegasus the winged horse (also genetically recreated by Dr. Cadbury Rocher) who would be their steed in battling the evil basilisk and its evil Jesuit rider.
Pegasus was currently owned by Queen Rania of Jordan.
Aztec vampiress and Canadian slayer returned to London on Pegasus.
There the Aztec vampiress picked up the bottle of Odour of Weasel Perfume from Renfield to slay the evil basilisk and Dracul picked up the authentic sword of Saint George the Dragonslayer from The Old Curiosity Shop (of Dickensonian fame) to slay the evil Jesuit.
Then they were off to Libya for the final showdown.
The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec: With a small bottle of Odour of Weasel Perfume in her purse, she’s off to Libya on Pegasus to slay the evil basilisk Basilisk Wrathsbone.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday April 16th
2019.
Vampire Set Addresses Cleopatra’s Needle: A Poem
The billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set was walking the Victoria Embankment of the River Thames when he came across Cleopatra’s Needle.
The vampire put his hands on the ancient obelisk which was originally erected in the Egyptian city of Heliopolis on the orders of Pharaoh Thutmose III around 1450 BC.
He addressed the obelisk as he touched it:
You are a relic from the land of my birth
When I first emerged from the sands of the earth
And yet you have no memory of me at all
a silent blind sentinal to all I’ve done great and small
I slew my brother Osiris out of jealousy
because I wanted our sister Isis for me
And threw parts of him up and down the Nile
Which Isis went and retrieved mile by mile
She’d not have done the same for me
That’s when I realized I counted for nothing at all.
So my name is mud in the annals of history
How she restored him to life remains a mystery
And my nephew Horus emerged too
Ensuring my dark reign was through
But this was not always the case
Grandfather Ra thought me the fairest of the race
When I slew the serpent Apophis on the barge of the sun
Then heroism and light was the course I did run
But that is forgotten now
Wiped away like the sweat off my brow
My day in the sun is no more
Dark shadowy ground forever my floor
A creature of the night forevermore
And yet once last century
I was briefly happy
When I met Serena a daughter of time
And love rose like meter to rhyme
I should have known
lasting happiness was not mine
She was killed by an agent of terror
Stalin who ruled his land by trial and error
Trial for those ruled, and error it could not be
In that dark mind of cruel majesty
So Serena is gone
Stalin is gone
And I live on and on
From the night I came
To the night I return
And any sands I walk
Are sands the sun does not burn.
-A poem recited by Set to Cleopatra’s Needle
-A poem written by Christopher
Sunday April 14th
2019.
Serena the mortal human fiancee of Set who was slain by Stalinist agents in London in the autumn of 1924
Atargatis, Dracul and The A. Y. Jackson Painting
The year was 1955.
Winston Churchill had recently stepped down as Prime Minister of Britain.
And an exhibit of paintings of Canadian artist A. Y. Jackson was opening in London.
The Syro-Phoenician goddess Atargatis had gone back in time from the current year of 2019 to 1955 to purchase an A.Y. Jackson painting that would become quite valuable.
Atargatis at a London art exhibit in the spring of 1955.
The name of the painting was Painting Of A Buffalo From The Rearend As Painted From The Rearend of A Train.
The buffalo had been painted by Jackson while he was sitting at the back of a caboose at a train stopped in the Red Deer River Badlands near Drumheller, Alberta, Canada.
A buffalo had stoppped and turned around and showed Jackson his rearend so the artist had painted a picture of the spectacle.
“A most remarkable portrait of the late Fuhrer of Germany,” Sir Winston Churchill remarked as he gazed at the painting through his spectacles.
Atargatis controlled a laugh.
Then she caught sight of Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing.
“Are you here to bid on the painting, Van Helsing?” She asked.
“No, just here to take a look,” Van Helsing replied, “my dad often talked about this painting. That very same buffalo later went and took a crap on the shoes of my dad’s school principal. My dad always wanted to say thanks to that buffalo but never got around to it. So I’m here to do it on his behalf.”
“You’re an unusual man, Van Helsing,” Atargatis took a martini off a passing tray.
“And you’re a ravishingly beautiful goddess,” Van Helsing likewise grabbed a martini.
“We really should stop meeting like this,” Atargatis smiled, “it gives a whole new meaning to that expression “blast from the past”. Although I must say, I wouldn’t mind doing it in a DeLorean.”
“Neither would I,” Van Helsing smiled in return, “seeing as how time traveling DeLorean drivers were right in their prognostications about who would become U.S. President in a certain time period- be it Reagan or be it Trump- I’m sure the DeLorean back seat windows could use a little steaming up.”
“Did the DeLorean have a back seat?” Atargatis asked.
“If it didn’t, we could always make one,” the vampire hunter helped himself to a raw oyster.
“I hear a couple of nights ago, you were in Havana, Cuba in 1956,” Atargatis helped herself to a Cuban cigar.
“I was,” Van Helsing offered her a light, “where I heard from a Los Angeles private eye that drinking milk from your lactating breasts makes one immortal.”
“And would you like to be immortal, Mr. Van Helsing?” She approached him.
“England expects every man to do his duty,” Dracul quoted Lord Horatio Nelson and looked down the front of her dress.
The remaining drops of the Syro-Phoenician goddess’ martini wound up in the vampire hunter’s face.
Atargatis walked outside.
After grabbing a towel from the waiter and wiping his face, Van Helsing followed her.
“Well, how about this for a coincidence?” Dracul Van Helsing quoted a line that Dustin Hoffman spoke to Katharine Ross at the back of a bus and pointed towards a car parked in front of the art gallery steps, “A DeLorean.”
Atargatis looked at the car and smiled.
She turned to Van Helsing with a twinkle in her eye and said, “Well, a girl really can’t say no to a DeLorean can she?”.
“They shall look back and say, this was their finest hour,” Churchill quipped as he exited the art gallery.
“And will I get the chance to play with your gearshift, Mr. Van Helsing?” Atargatis asked as the vampire hunter opened the door for her.
“I was hoping you’d ask,” was the vampire hunter’s reply.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday March 29th
2019.
Atargatis, Cleopatra and Robespierre’s Little Black Book
The ghosts of Orson Welles and Sir Winston Churchill (acting as emissaries of British MP Renfield R. Renfield) stood on top of Mount Hermon in the Golan Heights alongside Renfield’s ally the Byzantine vampiress Theodora.
As a result of Theodora’s dropping a mixture of ring worms and tape worms in Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan’s coffee the night before, the Turkish leader had spent the day scratching his ass while speaking in front of voters on the campaign trail causing the would be Ottoman sultan to look like a total idiot.
“I see Donald Trump has tweeted that the U.S. government is formally recognizing the Golan Heights as Israeli controlled rather than Israeli occupied,” Welles’ ghost remarked as he surveyed the landscape.
“I imagine Syria and her allies Iran and Russia will have something to say about that,” Theodora commented.
“But that fact has obviously not appeared on Donald Trump’s radar,” Churchill said as he chewed on his spectral cigar.
. . .
“Mr. President, your Norwegian blue parrot has just shit all over Air Force One’s radar,” the pilot of Air Force One gave a visual surveillance commentary to the usually inept and in need of explanation Donald Trump.
“Lexington,” Trump shouted to his British valet and butler as he tried to get parrot droppings out of his toupee, “would you put that blasted parrot back in his cage?”.
. . .
The Syro-Phoenician goddess mermaid Atargatis (in human form) looking for Maximilien Robespierre’s little black book in a book collector’s library of the 1930s
Atargatis had traveled back in time to New York City in 1939.
It had come to her attention that Maximilien Robespierre’s Little Black Book (in which he wrote down all the names of his enemies who were to be executed by the Committee of Public Safety) contained a prophecy given to Robespierre by a clairvoyant prostitute who once dressed up as the Goddess of Reason in Notre Dame Cathedral.
The Goddess of Reason had given a prophecy to Robespierre which he wrote down in his little black book.
The prophecy apparently involved the Golan Heights in the year 2019 and Atargatis who was working in alliance with the Syrians, the Iranians and the Russians desired to know what the prophecy was.
The last known location of Robespierre’s book was in the library of a New York City book collector Joffre Horton Hurtig.
No one knew what became of the book after 1940.
So Atargatis had used the CERN Large Hadron Collidor to travel back in time to the book collector’s library in 1939.
She located the book hiding behind another book in a bookshelf in his library.
“I see you have found Robespierre’s book,” Dracul Van Helsing spoke behind the goddess.
He had used the Houdini-Tesla-Welles-Lamarr prototype magic lantern film projector to travel back in time.
“You want the book as well, Van Helsing?” Atargatis asked.
“Indeed I do,” Van Helsing replied, “I’ll wrestle you for it.”
It was one Hell of a wrestling match.
. . .
In her mortal life, Cleopatra had been Queen of Egypt reigning as Cleopatra VII Philopator.
Today the resurrected Cleopatra served as the High Queen of Ireland although so far the world was unaware of her secret Druidic coronation on March 17th 2018.
“So what are we doing in Jerusalem?” Yaldabaoth the Irish leprechaun asked her.
“That my dear Yaldabaoth, you’re about to find out,” Cleopatra smiled and bore fangs like those of a snake.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday March 21st
2019.
Semiramis and Dracul Van Helsing In 1890s San Francisco
Semiramis the former Queen of Babylon in the San Francisco of the 1890s
Semiramis had been having dinner with British Prime Minister Theresa May discussing Brexit and the Irish border question when suddenly the ghost of the Rev. Ian Paisley (recently granted temporary dispensational release from Purgatory by Hades the Greek god of the Underworld) showed up complaining about the fact that there was indeed a Purgatory which the good reverend stated that he found very offensive to his Ulster style Presbyterian beliefs.
To top it off, Rev. Paisley complained that his little corner of Purgatory happened to be right next door to the little corner of Tartarus where Rodrigo Borgia (better known as Pope Alexander VI) was busy roasting away on his spit.
The debaucherous evil pontiff’s screams were keeping him awake at night, Rev. Paisley bellyached.
Rev. Paisley then glanced at Semiramis and the very short skirted mini dress she was wearing.
“Aren’t you the Whore of Babylon?” Rev. Paisley asked Semiramis as he clutched a rare first edition of Alexander Hislop’s The Two Babylons in his ghostly spectral hands.
Semiramis gave the Rev. Ian Paisley such a fierce slap across his ghostly spectral face that it sent the late former Northern Ireland politician flying all the way to European Commission headquarters in Brussels.
“Excuse me,” Semiramis addressed Theresa May as she ran off to the washroom.
“How dare that orangish little bigot call me a whore,” Semiramis applied a very deep scarlet coloured rouge red lipstick to her lips as she looked at her lovely beautiful reflection in the mirror.
The lipstick she was applying to her lips was her time travelling lipstick- lipstick that enabled her to travel anywhere in time.
“Take me to San Francisco in the 1890s,” she whispered as she closed her eyes.
Semiramis found herself in 1890s San Francisco dressed in a lovely and beautifully elegant dress and hat of that decade.
“Well, how about this for a coincidence?” Dracul Van Helsing looked up from the bed on which he had been lying.
Minutes before, he had been sent to this time and place by the CERN Large Hadron Collidor as a result of the ghosts of John F. Kennedy and Nikita Krushchev arguing over the controls at the site.
Van Helsing picked up Krushchev’s shoe and threw it out the hotel room window where it landed on one of Richard M. Nixon’s forebears who had gone shopping for new kitchen decor along with his wife.
“That sounds like lovely music the orchestra is playing in the hotel ballroom downstairs,” Semiramis flicked back her hair, “why don’t we go downstairs and dance and then come back up here and have tantric sex afterwards?”.
“That sounds like an excellent idea,” Van Helsing got dressed.
Downstairs they danced to the Blue Danube Waltz of Johann Strauss.
The time travelling Nazi SS Ahnenerbe Occult Bureau vampire Franz Kohler entered the ballroom at that moment and noticed the pair.
Kohler was in the San Francisco of the 1890s investing in steam bath houses as, being from the future, he knew that investing in bath houses would prove to be a profitable investment in San Francisco.
“What a ravishingly beautiful woman,” Kohler looked longingly at Semiramis and seethed with jealousy at Van Helsing.
He recalled a lecture that he had once heard “that odious Jewish ghost” (in Kohler’s own words) of Sigmund Freud deliver in a London Masonic hall a few weeks ago in 2019, that Tammuz seemed to spend more time on the Viennese psychoanalyst’s couch down in Purgatory than anybody else.
He could see why.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday March 9th
2019.
Cthulhu’s Cardinal and A Welsh Werewolf On Saint David’s Day
The February 1928 issue of Weird Tales in which H.P. Lovecraft’s character of Cthulhu is first introduced to the world in the short story “The Call of Cthulhu”.
Since Samhain Cardinal Salaman’s official episcopal title (bestowed on him by Pope Francis) was the Archbishop of the Welsh Diocese of Llanthony Abbey and the Black Mountains (a diocese officially created for the kabbalistic magic practicing former professional stage magician by Pope Francis), the Kabbalistic Cardinal said a Mass in commemoration of Saint David since Saint David is the Patron Saint of Wales and today March 1st was Saint David’s Day.
After saying Mass and having a breakfast of Welsh rarebit that frightened off the Anglo-Saxon goddess Eostre’s painted egg laying rabbit Vincent Van Yolk because he thought the cardinal said “Welsh rabbit”, Cardinal Salaman had coffee with the Zeus and Apollo worshipping Cardinal JM (As the Cardinal was known by his initials being the head of the Vatican’s Secret Intelligence Service).
Salaman informed JM that the gypsy vampiress and resident Vatican tarot card reader Stephania Borgia had prophecied that he, Samhain Cardinal Salaman, would become the next Pope if he could convince Francis to elevate a Welsh werewolf to the Cardinalate.
This would of course entail Salaman to visit his diocese in Wales in hopes of finding himself a Welsh werewolf.
The problem was since Francis had already artificially created a new diocese in Wales to make Cardinal Salaman an Archbishop, where would this new Welsh werewolf (if he could find one) Cardinal have his diocese?
Cardinal JM laughed and said, “No problem. Pope Francis has already named a committee to see if it’s possible to canonize H.P. Lovecraft’s character of Cthulhu a Cathoic Saint since the Holy Father feels that naming the hundreds of meters tall octopus, dragon and giant human hybrid Great Old One malevolent deity who came down from the dark stars a Catholic Saint would constitute a huge breakthrough in ecumenism and inter-faith dialogue.”
Cthulhu: Will he be proclaimed a Catholic Saint by Pope Francis?
“Well, it probably would constitute that,” Cardinal Salaman had to admit, “but how will that help me out?”.
“Well, His Holiness is thinking of declaring the lost South Pacific City of R’lyeh (close to that ocean’s Nemo point) where Cthulhu and his other vast loathsome shaped entity Great Old Ones reside hidden in green slimy vaults in the nighmare corpse city beneath the sea a Catholic Archdiocese which will of course require an Archbishop.”
“My problem is solved,” Salaman smiled as he threw the tarot card of Death down on the table.
. . .
French President Emmanuel Macron was being briefed by the Australian-French head of the French Intelligence Service Inspector Jocko Clouseau that the right-wing populist government of Italy was plotting his overthrow.
“How do they plan to do this?” Macron asked as he ate his French toast that had been prepared in the shape of a cougar.
“They’ve formed an alliance with a Kraken who calls himself Napoleon VI who is intent on restoring the Bonapartist Empire to France with himself as Emperor,” Clouseau read aloud from his ketchup and gravy covered notes, “This Kraken used to be the Italian mad scientist Dr. Poseidon Prometheus who, after he was diagnosed with an incurable fatal disease, uploaded his consciousness into the body of a cyborg Octopus- part living octopus and part robot. The self-proclaimed Napoleon VI later met and married the immortal Medusa who was the Gorgon of Greek mythological fame. Medusa is now a good looking and sexy woman again thanks to a radical haircut that removed her snakes that was administered by the famous British scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher’s robot barber Edward Scissorhands the 2nd.”
“Did you say that this Medusa was a sexy and good looking woman again?” Macron was down to his third last piece of cougar toast.
“That is correct,” Clouseau pulled a cheeseburger out of his coat pocket and started eating it.
“Being immortal, she’s probably a lot older than I am,” Macron reflected as he was down to his second last piece of cougar toast.
“Undoubtedly,” Clouseau added a pinch of garlic to his cheeseburger.
“I’d like to meet her,” Macron wiped his mouth with a napkin after finishing his last piece of cougar.
. . .
Medusa was once again a sexy looking woman.
. . .
Celebrating Saint David’s Night at her home in Wales was the Welsh vampiress MP Morgana.
The Welsh vampiress Morgana was about to celebrate Saint David’s Night in Wales with the Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing.
Minutes later at a Bed and Breakfast down the street, her former political opponent in the last British general election the former Labour MP Magog Rhys Petley was awakened by the resulting tantric sex earthquake.
The former MP now turned Private Eye (who was also a werewolf) longed for a silver bullet so he could get some sleep.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday March 1st
2019.
