Panty Goatee Slays ISI Bigshot While Sherrielock Holmes and Fenrir Meet King Edward VII
British MP Renfield R. Renfield was enjoying a High Tea of Chai tea and cucumber and creamed cheese sandwiches with his friend the concert pianist Amadeus Emanon and the concert pianist’s girlfriend the New Orleans vampiress songstress Angelique Dumont.
They were sitting in the living room of the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set’s colossal West London Mansion.
“So what did the Indian and Iranian governments contact you about yesterday?” Amadeus asked as he helped himself to a dozen cucumber and creamed cheese sandwiches.
Renfield thought he was wise to ask Athelstan the butler to make 200 of those sandwiches.
“Well, the Indian government suspects the Pakistani ISI was behind the suicide bomb attack that killed 44 Indian paramilitary policemen in Kashmir this past Thursday and Iran blames the ISI for the deaths of 27 Revolutionary Guards earlier this week,” Renfield explained as he sipped his tea, “so they asked me to use my contacts to do something about it.”
Meanwhile over in Pakistan, the assistant deputy head of the ISI was off on his morning jog.
Suddenly this vision greeted him:
DARPA cotract assassiness Panty Goatee
“Excuse me, Miss,” the ISI bigshot jogged over to her with a very tiny little miniscule bulge in his jogging pants, “but that t-shirt mini dress you’re wearing is very blasphemous not to mention that your attire in general is very un-Islamic. So I’m going to have to take you in for questioning and (ahem!) other things as well.”
Panty pulled a gun out from underneath her dress and shot the man.
“Ah shit,” the man said as he fell backwards on to the ground.
“I thought you people were supposed to say Allah akbar before you die,” Panty smiled as she slit the man’s throat with a knife she pulled out from under her dress.
. . .
Serena the time traveller and magician’s assistant to Thoth the Egyptian god of time and recordkeeping looked down at Dracul Van Helsing from her wall of clocks.
“What are you looking at?” Serena asked.
“Well,” said Dracul, “it was 100 years ago today on February 17th 1919 that former Canadian Prime Minister Sir Wilfred Laurier died. It’s hard to believe that there was ever an honest Federal Liberal politician from Quebec but they still made them as late as Sir Wilfred Laurier.”
. . .
The year was 1907.
And England’s King Edward VII was walking down the street looking for a piece of tail to satisfy his lecherous royal appetite.
Suddenly he spotted Miss Sherrielock Holmes.
“Ah, there’s the delightful twin sister of consulting detective Sherlock Holmes,” Edward VII stroked his beard.
He walked in her direction.
When suddenly there emerged from behind her dress the Norse wolf Fenrir.
“Good Lord, look at the size of that hound,” Edward VII clutched on to his silver wolf’s head walking stick and turned the other direction, “I’ll have to talk to Sherrielock some other day.”
. . .
“Who was that who text messaged you?” Amadeus asked as he was on his 99th cucumber and creamed cheese sandwich.
“Countess Draculina,” Renfield answered, “She fears that her father Count Dracula has been kidnapped by the ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith for some nefarious purpose so she’s coming over to talk to me.”
The doorbell rang.
Renfield went to answer it.
There at the door stood Countess Draculina.
“Good God!” Renfield exclaimed.
“What’s the matter?” Amadeus asked.
“I’ve got an enormous erection,” Renfield answered.
“You always were one to boast about that,” Angelique remarked.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday February 17th
2019.
Saint Valentine’s Day 2019
British MP Renfield R. Renfield had come up with yet another plan to bump off Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro.
He had co-ordinated the plan with the ghosts of Orson Welles and Sir Winston Churchill along with the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec.
Before explaining the plan to Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing, Renfield pointed out the dangers of getting Maduro out of office with the help of a U.S. invasion of Venezuela or an American planned overthrow.
“As we know both being acute students of history,” Renfield explained, “America’s unique talent and gift to the world is its ability to make a country worse off than it was when it lived under a brutal dictator. This actually is a unique bit of creativity unsurpassed in the history of human stupidity. That disaster we call George W. Bush (aided and abetted by that disaster Tony Blair – an Englishman who fancied himself a French poodle to a former Texas governor) invaded Iraq to topple Saddam and succeeded in that but then plunged the country into years of sectarian violence and bloodshed that continues today. Those disasters we call Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton thought they could get Syria’s Bashar al-Assad out of power by encouraging the Syrian people and part of the Syrian Armed Forces to rise up in revolt against Assad. The result has been 8 years of bloody civil war which is still ongoing, Assad is still in power and if Vladimir Putin and the Iranians hadn’t intervened, large portions of Syria would still be under the control of the ISIS Islamic State. And then of course that disaster we call Bill Clinton ordering the NATO bombing of Serbia from March 24th 1999 to June 10th 1999 helped pave the way for Vladimir Putin to come to power in Russia. Then Russian President Boris Yeltsin was so upset by the way Bill “He couldn’t keep it in his pants” Clinton treated Russia’s long standing ally Serbia that Yeltsin spent the entire spring and summer of 1999 hiring and firing new Prime Ministers until Yeltsin finally decided on Putin as his Prime Minister in August 1999 and then named Putin his successor as President on December 31st 1999. So Bill in effect screwed his wife Hillary twice. Once when they had Chelsea and secondly when he bombed Serbia thus paving the way for Putin to take power in Russia which if we are to believe the whining and sniveling of the New York Times, The Washington Post and the Deep State within the U.S. government is the man ultimately responsible for Hillary’s defeat in 2016.”
“Karma’s returning to bite one in the ass always happens eventually,” Van Helsing acknowledged.
“So you see how it’s absolutely vital that a British Transhumanist MP such as myself working in concert with the ghosts of Sir Winston Churchill and Orson Welles do something to get Maduro out of power before the Americans try anything stupid,” Renfield pointed out.
“Time is indeed of the essence,” Dracul looked at his Latin numerals sundial wristwatch until he remembered it didn’t work indoors.
“So I want you to go over to the gymnasium at the Set Enterprises Laboratories and Rug Emporium Building and start to set things in motion with the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec and by set things in motion,” Renfield admonished, “I don’t mean tantric sex with her.”
“Damn,” Dracul swore.
. . .
“So Lexington,” Donald Trump addressed his British butler and valet, “I gave Nancy Pelosi a Valentine’s Day present this year.
“That’s very kind of you, sir,” Lexington took off the Donald’s jacket.
“As you know today is the 90th Anniversary of Al Capone giving a Valentine’s Day present to Bugs Moran in a garage and warehouse in Chicago so I thought I’d do the same for Nancy,” Trump smiled.
Earlier that evening a group of Democratic Party supporters had gathered to sacrifice a new born baby to Baal/Moloch at a garage and warehouse in Washington DC.
Despite the best efforts of the hospital to ensure the baby wouldn’t survive birth, the baby managed to survive.
It was a health care debacle that would have provided existential angst to the likes of New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo and Virginia Gov. Ralph Northam.
Double angst for Gov. Northam as the baby was an Afro-American.
Although probably double angst for Gov. Cuomo as well but since northern white liberals do a much better job at hiding their racism than their southern white liberal counterparts, you wouldn’t have noticed the look of disappointment on the face of Mario’s son.
The baby was smuggled into the ceremony by a large “reproductive health” (as they euphemistically call themselves) provider to be sacrificed to Baal/Moloch for this evening’s ritual.
Outside the warehouse a group of Mammon and Mephistopheles worshipping Republicans (all members of the National Rife Association and vitriolic opponents of a nationally publicly funded single pay user health care system) stood ready to burst in on the pro-infanticide Baal and Baphomet worshipping Party of Death Democrats.
The signal was given.
And the NRA members went in with guns ablazing.
Soon all the Party of Death Democrats were dead.
Santa Muerte who had been at the ceremony eating enchiladas looked sad.
Miraculously the baby girl (who was to be sacrificed) managed to survive.
She was found by a traditionalist Catholic nun who had been walking in the neighbourhood.
Earlier in the day, the nun had been personally excommunicated by Pope Francis.
Now like George Eliot’s Silas Marner, she had found true gold.
. . .
On his way to the warehouse gymnasium at Set Enterprises, Dracul Van Helsing passed Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster who was crawling on his way towards Sherrielock Holmes’ office and carrying a large bouquet of roses in his lobster claws.
Dracul entered the gym and there saw Qonzilqointec:
And within minutes the gym was heating up with steam from the Valentine’s Day tantric sex between vampire hunter and vampire princess.
. . .
Amadeus Emanon was attending a Saint Valentine’s Night Evening Prayer service at Saint Genevieve’s Church- the Anglo-Catholic C. of E. Parish that he attended.
Delivering a short homily at the service was the Rev. Father Aidan Bury Saint Edmunds who was one of the Church of England’s leading exorcists.
“Saint Valentine,” Father Aidan noted, “was a Catholic priest who lived and worked in Rome in an age of severe persecutions. The Emperor Claudius II had ordered that Roman soldiers should not be allowed to marry so they could concentrate on war without a double mind. For that reason, the soldiers began living promiscuous lives. Saint Valentine ordered soldiers in his congregation to marry and he began wedding them secretly. For that reason, he was caught, imprisoned and executed on the 14th of February 270 AD.”
“Wow,” Amadeus thought to himself as he reached stealthily into his pocket to grab and eat a stick of licorice, “So there was no Cupid with bow and arrow in the original Saint Valentine story.”
Betty Grable as a female Cupid in a photo taken back in the 1940s.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday February 14th
2019
Goddesses and Vampiresses On Saint Valentine’s Eve
The Persian goddess Anahita: A Saint Valentine’s Eve surprise for Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing
Dracul Van Helsing was down at the Set Enterprises Laboratories and Rug Emporium on London’s Canary Wharf.
He was there to return a Persian flying carpet that the ghost of Orson Welles had borrowed to fly to Chicago and avoid all the heavy snowstorms that had recently been occurring at Chicago’s O’ Hare Airport.
As he walked into the head office of the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set’s Persian carpet warehouse partner the Persian goddess Anahita, she was there waiting for him:
Anahita: Good evening, Mr. Van Helsing.
She raised her dress and touched her legs as if she was doing a TV commercial for Venus Leg Care Products from Gillette.
“Soon Venus will be the only products that Gillette makes for both women and men,” Dracul remarked as he gazed at her.
Anahita lay back on the floor, “I hear that New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady while being shaved at Gillette Headquarters in Boston announced to the world that his wife Gisele Bundchen was a witch but a good witch who helps him win football games through the use of altars, candles, rituals, declarations of intent, healing stones and mantras.”
“I hear the same,” Dracul put down the magic carpet, “and a friend of mine in Huntsville, Alabama tells me that Gisele’s grandfather (or was it her great-grandfather?) was a Nazi SS officer who fled to Brazil from Germany after the war. An SS officer who participated in the highest Nazi satanic SS rituals.”
“Generational witchcraft,” Anahita sighed, “so what spirits is Gisele communing with?”.
“I have no idea,” Dracul answered, “and I do not intend to find out.”
“Did you know that David’s son King Solomon practiced witchcraft and sorcery?” Anahita ran her hands through her hair.
“So I’ve been told,” Dracul replied, “which is probably why the Ancient and Accepted Scottish Rite of Freemasonry has been so anxious to see Solomon’s Temple rebuilt.”
“Did you ever time travel to Solomon’s original Temple?” Anahita asked.
“I did,” Dracul nodded.
“And did you enter Solomon’s Temple?” She asked him with a knowing and inviting smile.
“That I did,” the vampire hunter’s answer was affirmative.
“And would you like to enter my temple?” Anahita licked her lips and raised her dress.
“I would,” Dracul spoke the truth.
Next door in the weightlifting room as Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster was working out and lifting weights in an effort to impress his crush Sherrielock Holmes, the voice of Frank Sinatra could be heard on the crustacean’s iPhone singing, “That old black magic has me in its spell…”
Dracul entered Anahita’s temple.
. . .
“And where are you going, Count?” the ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith asked Dracula on the forest trail through the Carpathians as she saw him approach.
“Lilith!” Dracula was astounded.
It had been centuries since she had turned him into a vampire.
Both wolves and ravens turned and fled from the site of this reunion.
. . .
“Thank you, your Eminence,” Allatallahbel the Vampiress Priestess of Baal addressed the kabbalistic practicing Cardinal Samhain Salaman.
“You are welcome,” the Cardinal bowed.
“That alchemical ritual you performed with the blood I gave you makes me look even younger than my usual young self,” Allatallahbel smiled.
“The blood you gave me in that test tube helped,” said Samhain Cardinal Salaman, “whose blood was it anyways?”.
“Ariana Grande’s,” Allatallahbel licked her vampiric incisors.
Ariana Grande: Her blood provided youthful rejuvenation to Allatallahbel the Vampiress Priestess of Baal.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday February 13th
Saint Valentine’s Eve
2019.
Renfield Wears A T-Shirt and Signs Autographs
Renfield R. Renfield was the man of the hour in Britain after his successful appearance on a special PBS episode of Firing Line in which the ghost of William F. Buckley Jr. interviewed the MP.
Militant atheist Richard Dawkins (after an appearance in which he publicly burnt his jock strap that had on it a picture of Michelangelo’s Jehovah creating Adam as depicted on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel) issued a statement, “I have to admit I was impressed by the seeming authenticity of the show. It does look like an episode of Firing Line that would have been directed by Orson Welles had Mr. Welles ever directed an episode of Firing Line. And Buckley’s ghost does come across like Buckley’s ghost would if he ever did a posthumous interview as the interviewer. But as every person who has absorbed my intelligent insight and analysis of the cosmos knows, “There are no ghosts or vampires or mythological beings in actual existence. There is no Heaven, Hell or Purgatory. And there’s definitely no God.”
“I say,” Amadeus Emanon spoke to his girlfriend Angelique Dumont as he ate some popcorn and watched Dawkins on television, “If Dawkins as a militant atheist is burning his jockstrap with a picture of Michelangelo’s Creating Adam on it in imitation of the militant feminists of the late 1960s publicly burning their bras, now my knowledge of history might be somewhat misty but didn’t the militant feminists of the late 1960s at least take their bras off first?”.
“Oh shit,” Dawkins could be heard screaming as someone rushed forward with a fire extinguisher to extinguish his smouldering jockstrap.
“Maybe Dawkins will compose an atheist hymn with the lyrics Nearer My Jockstrap To Thee,” Renfield remarked as he signed autographs from adoring fans and wore a t-shirt that said,
GILLETTE:
The Fruitiest A Man Can Get.
Meanwhile American Catholic bishops and their priestly advisors were packing Gillette shaving products in their suitcases as they headed off to Rome for The Vatican Special Meeting On Predatory Pederast Priests.
. . .
Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau looked at the RCMP report in front of him.
The report detailed the investigation into the abduction of Prime Minister Justin Trudeau’s personal pot smoking desert cactus plant Strawberry Fields Forever who had been kidnapped by the Chinese Communist vampiress Mei-ling Manchu (daughter of Dr. Fu Manchu) last December and would only be released when Huawei CFO Meng Wanzhou was released fully from custody and not extradited to the U.S.
Justin missed his little cannabis pot smoking greenhouse buddy with the prickly needles and his whacky weedy smile.
But the RCMP were unable to find the lost 1960s hippy commune of Calypso’s Bosom on the Canadian West Coast’s Sechelt Peninsula where the marijuana smoking desert plant was being held.
Seeing as how the commune was an Age of Aquarius New Age equivalent of Scotland’s mythical mystical village of Brigadoon, that was no surprise.
. . .
Semiramis the Queen of Babylon to her date Dracul Van Helsing before going out: How do you like my high heeled shoes, Dracul darling?
The better to crush my ex-husband Nimrod the little green frog with, don’t you think?
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday February 10th
2019.
Baphomet, Baal and Santa Muerte In The Congressional Cafeteria
Dr. Cadbury Rocher was trying to see if he could enhance the psychic powers of his genetically created psychic lobster Michelangelo by getting him to stare at a marble bust of the Greek nature satyr god Pan.
Michelangelo was only able to stare at Pan’s bust for 10 seconds before he brought up his dinner of a seaweed burger.
“He’s able to stare at the busts and other assets of the leather skirted dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes a lot longer,” remarked Miss Miranda Singh the Executive Secretary to Set Enterprises’ owner the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set.
“Yes, but we don’t want any more lobster tank explosions,” Dr. Rocher didn’t want any more lab floodings that happened whenever his immortal and eternally young looking great-grandmother the professional dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes (who was Sherlock Holmes’ twin sister) entered the lab.
Sherrielock Holmes playing Cathy in a stage production of Emily Bronte’s Wuthering Heights back in the 1930s.
However just the sight of looking at the marble bust of Pan was enough to send Michelangelo into a terrifying vision of the present.
. . .
The demon Baphomet was walking through the Congressional cafeteria on Capitol Hill with his good friend and devilish godfather/godmother Santa Muerte (who was worshipped by drug gangs and drug dealers in Mexico as their patron saint – he/she had originally been the fallen Archangel Samael but 85 years ago had become transgendered while living in Mexico and had undergone an extremely long transitioning process ever since- it was much longer for fallen angels like Samael than it was for mortal humans like Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner).
The two walked by House speaker Nancy Pelosi who was sitting there drinking Samuel Adams GOAT Beer (supposedly named after Tom Brady but really named after the Baphomet) and eating the cafeteria special of barbecued baby fingers and barbecued baby toes alongside the demon Baal.
“Well, the good thing is,” Santa Muerte/Samael slapped the Baphomet on the back, “is Pope Francis has now said that all religions are part of God’s plan in the joint statement that he signed on Human Fraternity with Sheikh Ahmad al-Tayyib the Grand Imam of Cairo’s al-Azhar University. So I guess that includes religions that worship us as well. This Pope Francis is certainly a lot more open minded than that Jesus Christ fellow ever was.”
They passed by a TV set in the cafeteria showing New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo doing a TV commercial for new Buffalo New York style Buffalo Baby Fingers and Buffalo Baby Toes.
. . .
German Cardinal Walter Kasper was thinking about the dreams he had been having every night since the start of this year.
He dreamt that he was visited each night by the Baphomet appearing to him as a combined incubus/succubus who had sexual relations with him.
He stopped to rub the fur of Amorous Laetitia the familiar black cat of Hecate the Greek goddess of witchcraft (a regular fixture around the Vatican since October 13th of 2017) as he pondered his dreams.
And in one of the Vatican greenhouses, Allatallahbel the Vampiress Priestess of Baal performed a ceremony using Pope Francis’s Baphomet stang that he carried at the Vatican Synod On Youth last autumn.
. . .
After having had these frightening visions of the Congressional Cafeteria on Capitol Hill and of the Vatican, Michelangelo had a more pleasant vision.
A vision of the billionaire vampire Set’s personal concert pianist Amadeus Emanon being married to the New Orleans vampiress/songstress Angelique Dumont in a beachside wedding on a tropical island a few years hence.
Wearing an extremely extremely powerful sunblock in addition to her wedding dress, the New Orleans vampiress Angelique Dumont is married to Amadeus Emanon in a beachside ceremony on a tropical island.
Cardi B. and The Time Traveller: A Poem
Singer Cardi B. flees Lancaster Hall in England in 1888 leaving behind a giant sized shoe.
“So you really expect me to believe you’re a time traveller from the year 2019?” Consulting detective Sherlock Holmes asked somewhat skeptically.
“Whether you believe it or not, it is true,” replied Dracul Van Helsing who had recently seen Achilles slay his enemy in a manner most Hectorly.
“I have worked on stranger cases,” Holmes admitted.
He looked at Dracul wondering if he should have him committed.
“And what do you mean by a hip hop singer?” Holmes looked as though he’d been through the ringer.
“Do not worry about musical terms from the future,” said Dracul, “rather worry about Cardi B. whom Vampiress Lilith wants to goose her.”
“May I ask why?” Holmes looked up at the dark sky.
“It has to do with Solomon and the Queen of Sheba,” Dracul stated in the midst of an atmospheric upheava.
Holmes looked confused, the coachman looked bemused and the estate cat looked amused.
“It has to do with Cardi B.’s real name,” Dracul played with an open window pane.
“Which is,” Van Helsing went on, “Belcalls Almanzar. Watch out for that falling star…
Holmes quickly jumped out of the way.
And the star landed in some hay.
Much to a hungry horse’s dismay.
His dinner went up in a blaze of smoke.
All that’s left- a solitary artichoke.
The horse ate the artichoke as Dracul continued his story,
“Lilith’s dealings with Solomon- somewhat gory…”
“But what does this have to do with Cardi B.?” Holmes lit his pipe under a tree.
“Her real name,” a soft breeze came, “Belcalls refers to the Queen of Sheba and Almanzar means watchtower. Watch that flower..”
Holmes avoided stepping on the Lancaster Hall estate’s red rose as the cat pranced about on tippy toes.
“So Lilith thinks Cardi B. is the watchtower of the Queen of Sheba,” Dracul went on, “so vampiress wreaks vengeance on Solomon by killing this singing diva.”
A scream went through the air as the terror that flies by night lost her shoes while Sherlock looked in the garden for more clues.
Cardi ran off after the terror by night while Lilith’s shoe glittered in the lamplight.
The next day, Cardi rode a white horse into the countryside
where horse and rider gave each other quite the ride.
-A poem and vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday February 7th
2019.
Semiramis’ Early Valentine’s Day Present For Dracul While Andrew Cuomo Sacrifices A Pig To Greek God Zeus For Chinese New Year
Semiramis: “Happy Valentine’s Day, Mr. Van Helsing.”
“But it isn’t quite Valentine’s Day yet,” Van Helsing looked at his Latin sun dial wrist watch (which didn’t work quite so well at night) as he addressed the immortal Queen of Babylon.
“But it is Chinese New Year,” Semiramis smiled, “so I thought we’d take the Persian magic flying carpet that the ghost of Orson Welles left behind in the hotel and use it to fly to your old home town of Edmonton, Alberta, Canada and have dinner at the Blue Willow Restaurant there at your favourite table alongside the statue of Kwan Yin the Buddhist Mother Goddess of Mercy.”
“Or,” Dracul joked, “we could order take out from Lydo Chinese Food.”
He recounted their TV commercial musical song jingle from his childhood, “4-2-6- 5-0-5-0 (their phone number- Editor’s Note), if you’re hungry call the Lydo… now. Free delivery.”
“Van Helsing, shut up,” Semiramis commanded in a spanking dominatrix tone of voice that turned Dracul on.
. . .
Meanwhile in Washington DC, Donald Trump was giving his State of The (Dis)Union Address as the ghosts of Abraham Lincoln, Jefferson Davis, Robert E. Lee and Ulysses S. Grant watched from the public gallery.
It was deja vu all over again for the quartet.
. . .
In Beijing China, the Black Dragon had arranged for a Lunar New Year celebration for Chinese leader Xi Jinping.
A wild boar with an Apple iPhone in its mouth along with a real apple was brought in on a silver platter.
The wild boar was dressed in the Stars and Stripes of the American flag and the apple (fruit not iPhone) had a miniature Canadian flag on a toothpick along with a marijuana cigarette sticking out of it.
. . .
In the Episcopal Cathedral of Saint John The Divine in New York City, New York Governor Andrew Cuomo was sacrificing a live Vietnamese pot bellied pig to a statue of the Greek god Zeus that had been placed in the Lady Chapel.
Horrified looking holographic images of Miss Piggy and Kermit the frog (projected by the CERN Large Hadron Collidor in Switzerland) looked on in horror.
“Kermit, do something,” Miss Piggy shrieked.
“What can I do?” Kermit answered as he ate flies from a can of sardines whose expiry date had long since expired, “It ain’t easy being green.”
. . .
Sophia the Greco-Egyptian Gnostic goddess of wisdom stood alongside a marble bust of Pan the Greek satyr nature god (her one time lover) and addressed the ghost of Orson Welles.
“Do you know how my son Yaldabaoth the Irish leprechaun is celebrating Chinese New Year in Ireland?” Sophia remarked, “Drunk under several pints of Guinness and a pot of gold.”
“I should have done the same,” Welles’ ghost remarked while suffering an acute case of spectral ectoplasmic indigestion after having ordered the Hungry Ghost Plate Special at Ho Ho’s Chinese Food in the Hub Mall of Edmonton’s University of Alberta campus while a marriage proposal was happening in front of the express food concession stand.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday February 5th
2019.
Lepardia Marango Plans To Save Renfield’s Life While Andrew Cuomo Sacrifices A Groundhog For Groundhog Day
Lepardia Marango the cultural attache at the South African Embassy in London in a Film Noir genre style photo shoot with the ghost of classic filmmaker Orson Welles
Lepardia Marango was officially the cultural attache at the South African Embassy in London.
Unofficially she was a spy for the foreign branch of South Africa's intelligence service.
Today she was being a model for the ghost of Orson Welles who was doing a Film Noir genre style photo shoot using colour film photography.
Most of the great Film Noir movies of the 1940s and 1950s were shot in black and white although a few were shot in colour.
The 1982 film Blade Runner which could be seen as a Film Noir movie, classic 1940s style detective tale and futuristic sci-fi thriller combined in one was shot in colour.
As was the 1997 film L.A. Confidential (which was sort of a combination Film Noir genre style movie and classic early 1950s style crime police drama) shot in colour.
Now Welles' ghost was trying his spectral hand at shooting a Film Noir himself in colour.
Welles had recently been in Chicago caught in the polar vortex snow storm from Hell that had been caused by the Norse goddess called Hel.
But he got tired of being a spectator at tantric sex encounters where Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing was busy making out with various vampiresses, goddesses and women mystics.
So Welles returned to his current earthly home in London, England (Welles had been granted dispensational leave from Purgatory by Hades and Persephone the rulers of the Underworld in order to be able to serve as a spirit advisor to British MP Renfield R. Renfield along with the ghost of Sir Winston Churchill).
When the photo shoot was over, Lepardia Marango returned to her apartment.
While there, she received a text message from the South African cultural attache in Moscow (who was also a spy for the foreign branch of South Africa's intelligence service).
Apparently the Russian vampiress Svetlana Kireeva was in London where she was planning to assasinate British MP Renfield R. Renfield at a darts tournament at the Clytemnestra's Revenge and Agamemnon's Bathtub Pub and Beef House in London.
The plot had been arranged by Russia's Vladimir Putin, Turkey's Recep Tayyip Erdogan and Pakistan's Imran Khan (whom Renfield had threatened to blow his testicles off with a .44 Magnum unless Asia Bibi was allowed to leave Pakistan) and Svetlana had been selected to carry it out.
Lepardia entered the pub where she shouted "Stop!" causing Renfield to miss his shot and lose the tournament but saving his life.
. . .
New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo was in upstate New York where he would be sacrificing a live groundhog to show the world what a kind and compassionate person he was.
Joining him in the furry little weather prognosticator's sacrifice was Virginia Gov. Ralph Northam who mercifully was wearing a paper bag over his head so no one would recognize him now that his racist Ku Klux Klan college photo from 1984 had gone viral.
The groundhog was sacrificed in front of a statue of Hecate the Greek goddess of witchcraft.
Hecate: To whose statue the poor little groundhog was sacrificed
After the sacrifice, New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo received a text message from Pope Francis where the pontiff bestowed on the leading Democratic Party politician a special apostolic blessing.
Not far from the Bishop of Rome stood Allatallahbel the Vampiress Priestess of Baal who, along with the Vampiric Knights-Templar and the Headless Horseman of Sleepy Hollow, had taken over the Vatican back on October 13th 2017.
Allatallahbel the vampiress priestess of Baal who had recently dyed her hair red in honour of the recent Super Blood Wolf Moon.
"Well," Allatallahbel laughed, "It doesn't look like Vitae (which was the name of the little groundhog in Sleepy Hollow in upstate New York- editor's note) will be around to enjoy either a late spring or an early spring."
. . .
The Austro-Croatian mystic Maria Orsic calls out to Dracul Van Helsing in her hotel room in the Mysterious Goddess Hotel in Chicago,
"Once more for new time's sake please, Mr. Van Helsing."
. . .
Meanwhile in Nairobi Kenya, the Kenyan vampire huntress Megan Shimbiro had been informed that the Nazi vampire Franz Kohler undead and very very very late of the Ahnenerbe Nazi SS Occult Bureau was up to some sort of nefarious activity in Kenya.
The Kenyan vampire huntress Megan Shimbiro on the lookout for the Nazi vampire Franz Kohler of the Ahnenerbe Nazi SS Occult Bureau.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday February 2nd
2019.
Celebrating Ragnarok Apocalypse In Chicago
Semiramis the Queen of Babylon calls to Dracul Van Helsing for help from inside her hotel room at the Mysterious Goddess Hotel in Chicago.
She clutched a pair of scissors that Jack the Ripper (recently appointed head of New York’s Health Care, Hospital and Medical Clinic system by New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo) tried to kill her with after he had watched the 1954 Alfred Hitchcock film Dial M For Murder on the hotel’s Pay TV channel.
Jack the Ripper likewise found himself caught in the vortex of time and place affecting the polar vortex in Chicago and found himself back in London on a moonlit evening in 1888.
Where suddenly he found himself peering through the keyhole of Sherlock Holmes’ room:
Suddenly the London 1888 full moon appeared over Chicago where it was promptly swallowed by the ghost of a T-Rex who came out on the losing end of the three horns of a triceratops:
After the Canadian vampire hunter had finished offering tantric sex comfort and sexual healing to Semiramis, Athena the Greek goddess of wisdom invited Dracul Van Helsing to visit her in the hotel room next door:
Come partake of my wisdom once again, Van Helsing.
Special Firing Line Episode On PBS: Ghost of William F. Buckley Jr. Interviews British MP Renfield R. Renfield
February 9, 2019 at 11:48 pm (Commentary, Culture, Film, Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, Gothic romance, History, International Intrigue, Mystery, News, Politics, Romance, Spy Tales, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (Anahita, Black Dragon, Daughter of Fu Manchu, Dracul Van Helsing, Ho Babylon Minh, Mei-ling Manchu, PBS Public Affairs Program Firing Line, PBS Television, Persian goddess Anahita, Princess Ubolratana Rajakanya of Thailand, Renfield R. Renfield, Thai Princess Ubolratana Rajakanya, The Black Dragon, The Ghost of Orson Welles, The Ghost of Sir Winston Churchill, The Ghost of William F. Buckley Jr., Vietnamese Vampiress Ho Babylon Minh, William F. Buckley Jr., Xi Jinping, Zeus' Kraken Cometh)
Due to the cosmic intertwining of the CERN Large Hadron Collidor in Switzerland and Dracul Van Helsing’s time travelling Houdini-Tesla-Pantages prototype Magic Lantern in a West Hollywood repertory movie theatre, this year’s supernaturally produced episode of PBS’ Firing Line featuring the ghost of William F. Buckley Jr. interviewing British MP Renfield R. Renfield was able to be watched by actor Jimmy Stewart and actress Lana Turner on the set of the film Ziegfeld Girl in 1941.
Due to Hades the Greek god of the Underworld wanting to see it happen and His Conceited Humbleness Pope Francis not wanting to see it happen, Hades ordered the temporary dispensational release of the ghost of the conservative commentator William F. Buckley Jr. from Purgatory to interview British MP Renfield R. Renfield on a special episode of the PBS public affairs show Firing Line on television.
Studio floor director for the show would be the ghost of Orson Welles.
The studio audience would be made up of the ghost of Sir Winston Churchill surrounded by the ghosts of the greatest of the female Ziegfeld Follies girls of the 1920s and ’30s.
As the ghost of Sir Winston Churchill sat in the audience with a big cigar, an ample bottle of brandy and one huge smile on his face, the show began.
“So, tell me, Mr. Renfield,” Buckley’s ghost sat there with a huge spectral copy of The Complete and Unabridged Oxford Dictionary on his lap giving him a spectral hernia, “if you could sum up what’s wrong with the state of America today in just one sentence, what would you say?”.
“Well,” Renfield poured himself a 20 ounce glass of Jack Daniel’s, “if you keep in mind that the terms I use in my statement are the terms exactly as defined by the Greek philosopher Plato in his work The Republic, America’s biggest problem is that its left wing oligarchy suffers from the massive delusion that it is a genuine aristocracy while its rightist tyrant suffers from the massive delusion that he is a genuine monarch.”
“I say,” Buckley was impressed, “That’s quite good actually.”
“Thank you,” Renfield grinned.
In the studio audience, Churchill’s ghost applauded as a lovely and very curvy Ziegfeld girl massaged his cigar.
In the TV audience at home watching, Bill Clinton seethed with jealousy as he saw Churchill’s cigar being massaged.
As for Hillary, she seethed with indignation at Renfield’s comment about the left wing oligarchy since it hit a little too close to home for her liking.
“And what of Russia?” Buckley asked as he sipped from a cup of tea with a picture of the late Soviet leader Leonid Brezhnev on it bearing the tattoed inscription LOSER on his forehead.
“Well,” Renfield ignored the Russian bear (possessed by the ghost of Rasputin) operating Camera #2 trying to hypnotize him with his magnetic looking eyes, “Russia’s problem is Vladimir Putin who’s trying to create a country that’s a synthesis of old Czarist Imperial Russia and the Stalinist Soviet Union. Such a synthesis is ultimately bound to fail.”
“And what then should Putin do?” Buckley asked as he picked up a copy of Nikolay Chernyshevsky’s 1863 novel What Is To Be Done?.
“Drop the Stalinist model and concentrate all efforts on Czarist Imperial Russia returning,” Renfield remarked as he drank from a very rare 1894 bottle of Russian vodka.
“Hear! Hear!” Churchill’s ghost ejaculated as his right leg was being massaged by a beautiful and very lovely White Russian exile girl Ziegfeld dancer.
“And what about China?” Buckley asked as he ate from a Lydo Chinese Food Styrofoam carton that had a picture of Richard M. Nixon and Chairman Mao Tse-tung eating 1000-year-old eggs and washing them down with bucketloads of French champagne on the carton cover.
“Well,” Renfield gazed at the lovely Asian dragon emblazoned slit skirted dress wearing vampiresses the Chinese Communist vampiress Mei-ling Manchu (daughter of the late Dr. Fu Manchu so maligned by Sax Rohmer) and the Vietnamese vampiress Ho Babylon Minh (granddaughter of the late Vietnamese President Ho Chi Minh) who were espionage operatives for the Beijing government and were standing at the back of the studio, “China is the world’s true superpower while America is the Wizard of Oz full of hot air and sitting behind a curtain and trying to shadow box with others by using faded silhouettes of its former glory.”
“My country reduced to the light and shadow contrasts of dark alleys and dying street lamps of the set of an old Film Noir movie,” the ghost of Orson Welles made a cameo appearance statement to the camera.
“On another matter,” Buckley smiled with the beatific smile of a smiling Buddha as the Shall We Dance? theme from the movie The King and I played in the background, “why have your former boss the London based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set and his Persian carpet warehouse business partner the Persian goddess Anahita decided to try and make Thai Princess Ubolratana Rajakanya the next Prime Minister of Thailand?”.
Renfield looked like he had been hit by a sledgehammer (which he would have been by both Mei-ling Manchu and Ho Babylon Minh on orders of the entity known as the Black Dragon if he hadn’t answered the question about China in the correct way).
“What?” Renfield looked totally shocked.
“Well,” Renfield regained his composure, “it’s like the man said to the mousetrap when it caught ahold of his testicles, You’ve really got me there.”
-A vampire novel
written by Christopher
Saturday February 9th
2019.
Thai Princess Ubolratana Rajakanya: The billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set and the Persian goddess Anahita want her to become the next Prime Minister of Thailand.
Homage is being paid to Thai Princess Ubolratana Rajakanya by Watson Holmes the Executive Vice-President of Set Enterprises
Thai Princess Ubolratana Rajakanya: Renfield R. Renfield was unable to answer the $64 million dollar question about her connection to Set and Anahita posed by the ghost of William F. Buckley Jr. on the PBS public affairs program Firing Line.
The Persian goddess Anahita: What does she have planned for Thailand?
Only the vampire Set and her hairdresser know for sure.
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