Pan Goatee Aesthetically Cleanses A Shopping Mall Parking Lot

May 17, 2018 at 9:53 pm (Aesthetics, Horror, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, Mythology, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) ()

Pan Goatee Aesthetically Cleanses A Shopping Mall Parking Lot

Satyr serial killer Pan Goatee left the department store where he had gone to take a piss (or “rather to leave one” as he often told people).

He was headed for the Public Transit train 🚊 station platform next to the shopping mall.

He had his astral machete at the ready in case there was a vast array of fat ugly blimps on the platform like there was a couple of days ago.

The spectacle of landscape blemishing blimps had caused havoc for several deities who had made the mistake of visiting this city in the spring when the human cows come out of hibernation.

Both Zeus and Shiva had gone blind and were now awaiting divine laser eyesight restoration treatment at Dr. Cadbury Rocher’s optometry laboratory at Set Enterprises in London.

The Norse god Odin had wisely put a patch over his good eye on the platform but this caused him to stumble and he fell and hit his head.

The blow on the head had caused him to have a momentary drop in IQ.

On the other hand if the drop in IQ turned out to be permanent, he was rumoured to be named to a cabinet position in Donald Trump’s cabinet (which given the length of longevity in serving in the Trump White House in any position, that could be any one trillionth of a nanosecond now).

As Pan Goatee walked across the parking lot, he saw a beautiful Indian woman just ahead of him.

The serial killing former musician for the classical baroque and heavy metal playing rock band Nero Wilson and The Cleveland Cleavers happily started singing and composing a song on the spot, “Won’t you please play Bolly on my wood?”.

She sadly got into a car and before you know it poor Pan Goatee was confronted by the sight of a white fat ugly blimp approaching him.

“What an abomination of desolation,” Pan Goatee expressed himself in Biblical terms, “and to think there are some sports and reality TV watching bozos in this city who think that whites are the master race.”

Pan Goatee promptly cut off the fat ugly blimp’s head.

He was so angry by the sudden advent of sheer unblessed ugliness to his sight, he used his astral machete to laserly dissect and cut up the blimp of a woman into a trillion x a trillion tiny pieces making any form of identification impossible and forever rendering impossible the breaking of the infinitely happy news to next of kin.

Meanwhile in Oslo Norway 🇳🇴, a new Nobel committee had been formed.

The committee was meeting to award the 1st ever Nobel Prize in Aesthetics.

The Swedish member of the Committee was speaking.

He had recently returned to Scandinavia totally shell shocked after having made the mistake of visiting a certain city in Western Canada in the springtime.

He had stopped over in London prior to his return to Oslo to receive emergency treatment at Dr. Cadbury Rocher’s laser optometry lab.

The Swedish member suggested that satyr serial killer Pan Goatee receive the 1st ever Nobel Prize in Aesthetics.

The remark did not go over so well with the sole non-Scandinavian female fat ugly blimp member of the committee (who wore a gigantic paper bag over her head on the Committee Chairman’s orders).

Which reminds one of that old joke:

Question: Why are Scandinavian women all so beautiful 😍?

Answer: Because the Vikings never brought back any ugly women on their raids.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday May 17th
2018.

Advertisements

Permalink 25 Comments

Pan Goatee At The Public Transit Train Station

May 15, 2018 at 10:59 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, Horror, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, Mythology, News, Vampire novel) ()

Pan Goatee At The Public Transit Train Station

Even Pan Goatee was surprised by the number of fat ugly blimps that stood on the public transit train 🚊 platform today.

How the transit platform stopped from collapsing under all that enormous weight really amazed Pan Goatee.

Whoever designed it certainly deserved to be awarded the Nobel Prize in Physics.

Talk about squaring the circle and then some.

Already numerous heterosexual males with good taste on the platform were keeling over from severe cardiac arrest.

I’m sure if they had their choice, they’d much prefer to leave this world like some elderly rabbis and elderly American Baptist ministers did at the opening of the U.S. Embassy in Jerusalem yesterday when the Egyptian vampiress Isis arrived at the ceremony in a see-through dress, Pan Goatee thought to himself.

They died from cardiac arrest certainly but at least they died happy.

Unlike these poor snooks who left this world with severe expressions of sheer terror on their face.

The Greek god Zeus cried, “I’m blind, I’m blind.”

The Norse god Odin put his eye patch over his good eye and stumbled around on the platform.

The Hindu god Shiva likewise talked about blindness (in the same hysterical manner that a schoolboy’s mother does when she catches her son doing something in the bathroom).

Poor Shiva likewise went blind from the grievous sight.

Pan Goatee pulled out his astral machete and began beheading the fat ugly blimps with great and sudden fury (like Donald Trump did when told that North Korea 🇰🇵 might cancel the peace summit because of John Bolton’s stupidity).

Pan Goatee was soon joined by the Hindu goddess Kali who used her 4 arms and hands and her sharp swords ⚔️ to likewise behead the heads of the vastly overweight landlocked leviathans.

Within minutes the platform was cleared.

Dumbledore’s ghost told Professor McGonagall, “To prevent recurring nightmares in our students, we better not put a Platform 9 3/4 at this station.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday May 15th
2018.

Permalink 9 Comments

Semi Rhyming Haiku About Poe’s The Pit and The Pendulum and Roger Corman Film With Vincent Price

April 19, 2018 at 10:34 pm (Film, Horror, Literature, Poetry) (, , , , , , )

Semi Rhyming Haiku About Poe’s The Pit and The Pendulum and Roger Corman Film With Vincent Price

Blade a real swinger
Will give your head a zinger
What a Price to pay

Permalink 17 Comments

A Stag Party Like No Other

April 17, 2018 at 10:42 pm (Avatar Speaks, Geopolitics and International Relations, Horror, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, Mythology, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

A Stag Party Like No Other

Russian soldiers at a base in Syria were nervous.

They had heard reports that a deer 🦌 stag of all things was massacring Turkish soldiers in the Afrin region of northwestern Syria by standing up on its hind legs and firing a rapidly moving crossbow with poisonous arrows at them.

The arrows would paralyze the soldiers and then take 24 hours for the poison to work to eventually kill them.

In the meantime, the soldiers would die a painfully agonizing death as the organs in their bodies gradually shut down.

The government of Recep Tayyip Erdogan in Ankara tried to keep the deaths secret from the Turkish public.

But someone had hacked into the Turkish television newsfeed and was reporting the deaths live to the Turkish people.

The news reports were read aloud by a talking robot 🤖 who called himself Hans.

The reports would begin with the robot singing (to the tune of an old 1950s Danny Kaye song), “I’m Hans Pagan Henderson… that’s me.”

After showing some speeded up video of Turkish soldiers dying a long lasting slow horrible agonizing death, film footage was then shown of the deer stag standing on its hind legs and shooting the soldiers with its rapidly firing cross bow.

As the footage of the stag and its cross bow was being shown, Hans the robot 🤖 sang (also to the tune of an old 1950s Danny Kaye song):

Wonderful, wonderful poisoned 🤢 arrow
fired by a beautiful stag
you hit your mark
sends a fiery spark ⚡️
through the body part
a fatal stinging dart 🎯
that sends one screaming “No more”
yet hours ‘til you reach death’s door.

No one was sure who it was that was hacking into the Turkish television feed.

Although there were suspicions.

After Hans’ news broadcasts, British MP Renfield R. Renfield was seen in an elegant armchair by a fireplace holding a glass of cognac and doing an introduction to a TV series he called Forgotten Disney Animated Cartoons.

“On tonight’s episode,” Renfield smiled, “Bambi’s father (killed in an automobile accident) comes back from the dead. The name of the cartoon: Bambi II- Thumper Recites The Necronomicon Resurrection Invocation.”

The Russian base was on edge when a soldier turned on the TV and Thumper was seen reciting a weird invocation in a strange and sinister sounding language.

And then suddenly what sounded like an arrow hit the door of the barracks.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday April 17th
2018.

Permalink 23 Comments

Reblog- Lizards and Wizards: A Poem

April 15, 2018 at 10:01 pm (Avatar Speaks, Geopolitics and International Relations, Horror, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, News, Poetry, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , )

A poem I wrote 2 years ago.

Dracul Van Helsing

Lizards and Wizards: A Poem

It was a land where giant tulip bulbs grew
that grew in soil blood drenched through and through
The bulbs blood red in colour
like the soil that bled the Earth-Mother
And eating the bulbs were huge flamingoes
not pink like on your lawn goes
but blood red like the seed of human sacrifice
when all other oblations no longer suffice

And rising rising from the blood soaked ground
in a huge puff of red tinged smoke that twirled round and round
arose a wild-haired wild eyed looking wizard
who in a test tube carried a small red lizard
He lifted up high his feathered wand
in the clouds emerged a land beyond
With his left hand he lifted high his trusted wand
and with his right, emptied the test tube like a martini shaker for Bond
The lizard then fell to the earth beneath

View original post 62 more words

Permalink 19 Comments

Pan Goatee and Pope Francis’ Nocturnal Dream of Hell

April 11, 2018 at 10:26 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, Horror, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, Mythology, News, Religion, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , )

Pan Goatee and Pope Francis’ Nocturnal Dream of Hell

Satyr serial killer Pan Goatee was riding the bus when suddenly an extremely ugly looking woman boarded the bus holding hands with a 3-year-old girl.

Exclaimed Pan Goatee, “That ugly looking woman is the one who’s kidnapped the Lindbergh baby 🍼.”

Pan Goatee grabbed his astral laser machete and cut the ugly woman’s head off.

“You’re mistaken,” said a retired college professor of American history who was riding the bus but was grateful that the satyr had decapitated the ugly looking female, “the Lindbergh baby was a boy and if he were still alive today, he’d be 87 years old not 3.”

“Wow, I guess you can’t believe everything you read on Wikipedia,” Pan Goatee remarked as he booted the ugly looking head out the door and down the street.

. . .

Pope Francis was having a dream.

He was dreaming that he was in Hell.

“How can this be?” The pontiff shouted, “I said Hell doesn’t exist in a newspaper interview I gave recently.”

The fallen angel Mephistopheles walked by reading a book called Fake Papal Pronouncements With Foreword by Donald Trump.

Pope Francis suddenly saw a scene from Alice In Wonderland.

A Hellish looking Alice In Wonderland tea party modelled on Leonardo Da Vinci’s painting of The Last Supper.

This was what Francis saw:

https://pin.it/qhirdsp2qz2wdl

“We may have to change our format for the Eucharistic Communion Service,” Francis thought aloud in his dream, “although I’ve long been of the opinion that the Liturgy of the Mass needed revolutionary change and a massive paradigm shift.”

The Mad Hatter who had the face of Walter Cardinal Kasper applauded vigorously.

The Queen of Hearts who had the face of Raymond Cardinal Burke pointed at Francis and said “Off with his head.”

. . .

Donald Trump looked out the Oval Office of the White House and asked the question, “What’s the best way to punish Bashar al-Assad for using chemical weapons against his own people?”.

A vision of Zeus holding a thunderbolt appeared in the clouds above the White House saying, “Release the Kraken.”

Trump was immediately on the phone to U.S. Secretary of Defence Jim Mattis, “Jim, do you know where I can get a Kraken?”.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday April 11th
2018.

Permalink 32 Comments

Pope Francis and The Mysterious Stranger

April 7, 2018 at 11:56 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, Horror, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, News, Religion, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

Pope Francis and The Mysterious Stranger

Renfield R. Renfield MP was giving a speech on the Best of British Culture to the Society of Friends and Supporters of the Royal Opera.

He was finishing singing the Lumberjack Song from Monty Python’s Flying Circus.

Lord Geese-Hogg who was sitting at a table with his wife Lady Geese-Hogg motioned for one of the banquet waiters to bring him another drink.

“Genghis,” Lady Glenda Geese-Hogg called her husband by his first name, “I think you’ve had enough to drink tonight.”

“Oh, all right,” Lord Genghis Geese-Hogg sighed.

Renfield, as he was getting out of his woman’s bra and dress and taking off his lumberjack jacket, was suddenly handed a note.

“Ladies and gentlemen,” Renfield went up to the microphone 🎤 to make an announcement, “I’ve just been informed that the Syrian government has used chemical weapons in a toxic gas attack on Douma the last rebel held town in Eastern Ghouta. So far 70 civilians have died including numerous children.”

Renfield immediately changed into his William Wallace Scottish warrior kilt accompanied with his Highlander broad sword 🗡.

“On a personal observatory note,” Renfield added, “Both French President Emmanuel Macron and America’s Donald Trump have warned the Syrian government in the past that a chemical weapons attack is a red line that mustn’t be crossed. We all know that Trump isn’t the limp wristed pansy that Barack Obama was as a military leader.
Now a chemical weapons attack by the Syrian government has been done in the open.
That red line has been crossed.
How will Trump and Macron respond?
If they let it pass, they’ll lose face.
We all know that the one thing Donald Trump will never do is lose face.
And the homicidal regime of Vladimir Putin have said they will support the homicidal regime of Bashar al-Assad at all costs. Therefore, ladies and gentlemen, the world may now be on the brink of World War III.”

Lord Genghis Geese-Hogg called back the waiter, “I’ll have a hundred more drinks 🍹 🍸 🍷 please.”

“Make that double for me,” Lady Glenda Geese-Hogg added.

. . .

Pope Francis was in his bedroom when suddenly the door opened and in walked a mysterious stranger with jet black hair, jet black eyebrows, a jet black moustache and a jet black goatee beard.

Two locks of hair stuck up on top of his head that almost looked like horns.

The man was wearing a red velvet jacket, suit and pants.

“Who are you?” Francis asked.

“Mephistopheles,” the man laughed.

“Mephistopheles?” Francis looked horrified, “What do you want?”.

Mephistopheles laughed again.

He then turned and opened the door to exit.

“I hope I never see you again,” Francis, who was feeling around for his Cross but couldn’t find it, said in a horrified gasp.

Mephistopheles turned around and laughed the most sinister laugh that Francis had ever heard in his life, “I don’t think we shall ever meet again, Father Bergoglio,” the fallen angel paused and then smiled a most malevolent smile, “after all as you yourself have most recently said, there’s no such place as Hell.”

The entity then left the door open and walked out of the papal bedroom.

Intensely sinister laughter echoed down the halls and corridors.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday April 7th
2018.

Permalink 18 Comments

Reblog- Night of The Unknown Light: The Dark Sun Becomes Manifest

April 3, 2018 at 10:01 pm (Avatar Speaks, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, Horror, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , )

A vampire novel chapter I wrote 2 years ago last month featuring Adolf Hitler and a mysterious dark sun in the night sky that was alluded to in ancient Egyptian hieroglyphs.

Dracul Van Helsing

Night of The Unknown Light: The Dark Sun Becomes Manifest

The date was January 25th 1938.

It was just a little after 6 PM.

The location was The Berghof the Berchtesgaden chalet home of German Fuhrer Adolf Hitler located in the Bavarian Alps.

Hitler was examining some documents handed to him by a member of the Nazi Occult Bureau the Ahnenerbe.

The Ahnenerbe representative was one Franz Kohler.

“What are these?” Hitler asked.

“They are translations of ancient Egyptian hieroglyphs telling of a myth about the Egyptian sun god Ra that has never been mentioned in most history books,” Kohler explained to the Fuhrer.

“And what is this myth mentioned in the hieroglyphs?” Hitler asked.

“That the Egyptian sun god Ra walked around in the dark of night and was unseen,” Kohler replied.

“That is a curious myth,” Hitler acknowledged, “a sun god walking around at night and not being…

View original post 362 more words

Permalink 13 Comments

Encore of The Black Hand

April 1, 2018 at 10:56 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, History, Horror, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) ()

A vampire novel chapter I wrote 4 years ago this month.

Dracul Van Helsing

The Black Hand

It was St. Vitus’ Day June 15th 1389. The army of Serbian Prince Lazar was battling the Ottoman Turkish Army of Sultan Murad I to decide the fate of Kosovo and Serbia. Whether Kosovo and the Serbs would be ruled by Serbs or whether they would be ruled by the Ottomans.

The battle was known to history as the Battle of Kosovo. It was also called the Battle of Kosovo Field as well as the Battle of Blackbird’s Field.

The bulk of both armies were wiped out in the battle. Both Prince Lazar and Sultan Murad lost their lives in it.

But the Serbian Army had pretty well suffered the most casualties so that the end result in the following years was that all of the Serbian Principalities would become vassals of the Ottoman Empire.

During the battle after his master was slain, Prince Lazar’s right hand…

View original post 1,329 more words

Permalink 7 Comments

Diablotron: A Poem

March 27, 2018 at 9:13 pm (Commentary, Culture, Fantasy, Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, Horror, Mythology, Nature, News, Poetry, Religion, Science-Fiction, Technology, The Supernatural) (, , , )

Diablotron: A Poem

Cabin in the woods
trees and nature surround
Water springs and rivers flow nearby
Elves 🧝‍♀️ 🧝‍♂️ and fairies 🧚‍♀️ in the forest
Naiads (water nymphs) in the rivers, springs and waterfalls
Dryads (tree spirits) in the trees

Auditorium stage of a corporate techno giant
laboratories and machinery surround
Computers hum and robots move
Virtual reality in helmets and AI in cyborgs
Androids that look human
Humans becoming automatons

In the cabin the witch Astara in a long black dress
kneels in front of an altar
she holds a dagger
and waves a wand
and calls upon the Old Ones to return to earth

On the stage the scientist/salesman in a long white lab coat
waves to the audience
he holds a remote control
and pushes a button
and calls for New Gods
Transhuman and super-evolved
to arise

Astara burns roots and plants 🌱
and a dash of incense
Light flickers above the altar
a form appears
and then vanishes
Astara falls to the floor

The CEO/AI engineer directs stage lights
in the darkness
a form appears
a metallic robot
with a beating heart
and the presenter/host disappears

In the cabin
darkness
and an eerie silence

In the auditorium
spotlight on the cyborg
and applause and cheers from the audience

Astara looks up from the floor
at the vacant altar,
and whispers
in a quiet voice
Will you not come?
Will you not come?

The cyborg looks down from the stage
at the mesmerized audience
and booms
in synthetic metallic echo
DIABLOTRON is here
DIABLOTRON is here

Synthesis of the ancient and contemporary
The Old Ones are the New Ones
The New Ones are the Old Ones

After all the Ouroboros eats its own tail
And the Creator becomes the Destroyer
and the Destroyer becomes the Creator

-A poem written by Christopher
Tuesday March 27th 2018.

Permalink 27 Comments

Next page »