Pan Goatee Beheads Yet Another Uglo At The Dollar Store

August 2, 2022 at 10:34 pm (Aesthetics, Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, Horror, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, Mythology, News, Sorcery, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, )

Pan Goatee managed to survive the August 1st long weekend without seeing a single uglo.

But it’s the 2nd day of August and a repulsive looking uglo once again has to put in an appearance in the local dollar store.

Pan Goatee was down at the local Dollar store.

There was once again only one cashier working tonight but that was okay because there was only one person ahead of him and he only had one item.

A bag of potato chips.

But sadly for Pan Goatee, the would-be potato chip purchaser was a total moron.

He did not know how to tap his card on the machine to make a purchase.

5 minutes later the imbecile somehow inadvertently managed to successfully tap the machine and a potato chip purchase was made.

The moron then left the store.

Goatee went up to the cashier and put his bottles of Lemonade and Diet Pepsi down.

Even though there was no other customers an airheaded cashier came and opened up another till.

And lo and behold a repulsive looking uglo (of the thin ugly looking stoat like variety) arrived and got in front of Pan Goatee to head to the newly opened airhead’s till.

The uglo had a female friend with her.

The repulsive looking uglo said in a squeaky squealy high pitched voice to the airheaded cashier, “Did anyone ever tell you that you’re pretty?”.

“Well too bad the same couldn’t be said about you, bitch,” Goatee commented as he beheaded the uglo and cut her up into 999 trillion pieces.

He then beheaded the uglo’s friend for being a friend of the uglo.

He then beheaded the airheaded cashier for opening up a new till right at the front of the straight line of cash registers allowing the repulsive looking uglo to get in front of him.

After the satyr finished cutting up the latter two into 999 trillion pieces each, Krampus arrived looking suntanned and burnt to a crisp from his tropical Hawaiian vacation to carry the remains of Pan’s victims down to the fiery flames of Tartarus.

Ares the Greek god of war (who had been filling in for Krampus while the latter was on vacation) had himself now gone on vacation to Taiwan.

Which was a stupid place to be seeing as how Nancy Pelosi was there.

Goatee left the store and happened to spot the moron with the bag of potato chips who had taken so long to figure out how to tap his card on the credit/debit card digital reading machine.

“Because of your bloody goddamned stupidity in trying to figure out how to do something so simple as to tap a card on a machine, I was forced to encounter a repulsive ugly looking woman,” Goatee explained as he beheaded the bag of potato chips carrying imbecile and cut him up into 999 trillion pieces.

When Krampus arrived to pick up the remains of the beheaded and dismembered moronic imbecile, Pan threw the partly eaten bag of potato chips at the Austro-Hungarian and Bavarian demon, “Here, enjoy these. In appreciation of your hard work.”

As Pan Goatee walked down the street, he encountered the Demon Buffalo of Buffalo Lake and now (the recent papally blessed) Lac Ste. Anne.

“I was wondering,” Pan asked the Demon Buffalo, “if you knew who this great Western Grandmother opening up the Circle of Spirits was that was being invoked by Huron-Wendat First Nations shaman Raymond Gros-Louis while satanic AntiPope Francis, his retinue of bishops and cardinals, Neo-Stalinist tyrant Justin Trudeau and Canadian Governor-General Mary Simon all placed their hands on their hearts while she the great Western Grandmother with her Circle of Spirits was being invoked at the Citadel in Quebec City?”.

“Well,” the Demon Buffalo started eating nearby passers-by, “I imagine that the great Western Grandmother who was being invoked is Spider Grandmother who is an important figure in the mythology, oral traditions and folklore of many Native American cultures in the southwestern United States. In Hopi mythology, Spider Grandmother also called Gogyeng Sowuhti can take the shape of an old or timeless woman or take the shape of a common spider in many Hopi stories. When she is in her spider shape, she lives underground in a hole that is like a Kiva. A Kiva is a space used by Puebloans (the Pueblo peoples of the southwest) for rites associated with the kachina (spirit being) system. The kiva is a large room that is circular and underground and generally used for spiritual ceremonies. In the Hopi creation story, Tawa the sun god and Spider Woman (aka Spider Grandmother) the Earth Goddess separate themselves into parts to create other lesser gods, then create the world and its creatures. This is similar to the Zuni creation myth where Spider Grandmother also plays a part. In Navajo mythology, Spider Woman is said to cast her web like like a net to capture and eat misbehaving children. She spent time on a rock aptly named Spider Rock which is said to have turned white from the bones resting in the sun. In the Pueblo tradition, she is called Spider Old Woman. The Spider Woman or Spider Grandmother of the southwestern U.S. tribes is believed to be the same being/entity as the pre-Columbian Teotihuacan Great Goddess because their pictorial representations are the same.”

“Thanks,” Pan said.

“You’re welcome,” the Demon Buffalo belched after having eaten a University of Calgary anthropology professor.

-A vampire novel chapter
written Tuesday August 2nd
2022.

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Mistress of The Dark

June 30, 2022 at 10:59 pm (Entertainment, Film, Horror, Mystery/horror, Mythology, Short Story, Television, TV Shows, Vampire novel) (, , , , )

Greek goddess Aphrodite filling in for vintage horror movie TV show hostess Vampira on a summer evening in Los Angeles in 1954

Vampira hosted a vintage horror movie TV show on the Los Angeles ABC TV affiliate KABC-TV from 1954 to 1955.

It was a summer evening in 1954 and Vampira had come down with laryngitis.

How was she to host her show tonight?

It was fortunate for Vampira that her drinking companion that night was the Greek goddess Aphrodite.

Aphrodite volunteered to fill in for her.

The scene now switches to a Los Angeles home where 8-year-old Henry a rather precocious boy used to go downstairs to the living room while his parents were asleep and turn on the family black and white TV on low volume and watch The Vampira Show on late night TV.

Tonight he was doing the same again.

The show’s announcer announced, “Regrettably Vampira is unable to host the show tonight…”

“Awwww…” said Henry.

“However Aphrodite is going to fill in for her and here’s Aphrodite…”

“Yay,” said Henry when he saw her.

Henry didn’t think much of the movie being shown but he did like the scenes where Aphrodite gave commentary.

Having divine sight, the goddess saw the psychopathic clown that had entered Henry’s family home and was holding a knife over Henry as the boy sat on the floor in front of the television.

She grabbed the vampire stake from inside the movie being shown and putting her hand through the TV screen in the living room staked the psychopathc clown to death.

“Wow, cool,” Henry enthused.

His mother was not so enthusiastic when she saw the mess on the living toom floor the next morning.

Henry was unable to sit down comfortably for the next week.

-A short story
and vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday June 30th
2022.

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Mariposa Noir

May 25, 2022 at 8:43 pm (Gothic, Horror, Short Story, Sorcery, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, )

The witch Mariposa Noir with her imp Iago in the background

Mariposa Noir had decided that she was going to behead her arch enemy the Sherrif of Tottingham with an axe.

Lord Malcolm Bellamy the Sherrif of Tottingham had burnt too many of her coven sisters at the stake.

She was always having to recruit new women to make the coven number stand at 13.

But Lord Bellamy always managed to subtract the number by raiding their midnight ceremonies and capturing her sisters and then burning them at the stake.

Most of her coven sisters weren’t as advanced in witchcraft as she was.

So they weren’t able to quickly turn themselves into ravens like she was and fly away.

Instead they were captured by Lord Bellamy’s men.

Then tried, found guilty and burnt at the stake.

“This Lord Bellamy shall pay,” Mariposa Noir stated as she picked up the axe, “he shall pay with his head.”

Her imp Iago found this statement so utterly funny for some reason that he started laughing his head off (quite literally).

“Oh, Iago,” Mariposa kicked the head out the door of the inn where they were staying and put his body in the garbage can.

Mariposa went upstairs to her room to work out the final details of her plan to ensnare and behead Lord Malcolm Bellamy the Sheriff of Tottingham.

In the meantime Iago’s head outside the inn was eaten by a brown bear who came out of the woods and his body in the garbage can was taken out and burnt along with the rest of the garbage.

So that was the end of Iago.

Mariposa Noir had one advantage when it came to ensnaring the Sheriff of Tottingham.

The Sheriff did not know what she looked like for she was able to turn herself into a raven quite quickly when Tottingham’s men arrived on the scene of her coven’s midnight ritual.

And Mariposa Noir was a beautiful woman.

. . .

Lord Malcolm Bellamy was enjoying his glass of ale when he arrived at the inn.

He instructed the innkeeper to carve himself a large piece of roast wild boar off the spit in the fireplace.

Food and drink, the Sheriff of Tottingham smiled, all that was needed to complete his evening was a beautiful woman…

The cup Bellamy had in his hands about to touch his lips froze when he saw the vision of Mariposa Noir descending the stairs.

“Oh, my God,” the Sheriff exclaimed.

“Good evening, your Lordship,” Mariposa approached.

“You’ve heard of me?” Tottingham was pleased.

“You’ve rid the county of so many witches,” Mariposa answered, “Who hasn’t heard of you?”.

The Sheriff had to agree.

“I’m afraid not much can be done with your axe whose head broke earlier this evening,” the innkeeper said as he walked through the door, “The blacksmith says you’ll probably need a new axe.”

“Very well,” Mariposa shrugged.

“What did you need an axe for?” Tottingham asked.

“To cut off the heads of some chickens,” Mariposa replied.

“That is a useful purpose for an axe,” Tottingham crowed as he nodded his head.

“Perhaps you’d care to lay your head against my bosom,” Mariposa suggested.

“An excellent idea,” Lord Malcolm Bellamy did just that, “My, what long red painted fingernails you have.”

“The better to rip your head off, my dear,” Mariposa smiled as she did just that.

-A short story written by Christopher
Wednesday May 25th 2022.

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The Vision of Apophis

April 26, 2022 at 9:25 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, Horror, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, Mythology, News, Sorcery, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

Apophis the ancient Egyptian serpent god of chaos, darkness, evil and destruction

A tourist bus rolled through the desert
Towards the pyramids
An astronomer Paul Leblanc
Had fallen asleep aboard the bus

He dreamed he was heading towards the pyramids
When suddenly stars fell from the sky into the desert
And a fierce looking serpent
That the well educated Leblanc
Recognized as the serpent god Apophis
Seemed to embrace the entire desert
As the fires of Hell rose
From beneath the sands

Leblanc woke up
As the pyramids came into view
No sign of Apophis, falling stars or Hell fire rising
from desert sands
Leblanc looked to his left
At his fellow passenger
Who turned out to be
Thoth
The Egyptian god of time
With his ibis head
And all

Thoth picked up a very tall hour glass
Whose sands had run out
Thoth grinned and said,
“Time’s up”
The first of several falling stars
Appeared across the Egyptian desert
Night sky
Over the pyramids

-A horror poem
written
Tuesday April 26th
2022.

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The Panther Woman and The God of Surprises

April 22, 2022 at 11:30 pm (Detective story, Espionage, Gothic, History, Horror, Mystery, Mystery/horror, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , )

Claudia Simon The Panther Woman

Carson Cody Albion, a private eye then based in New Orleans, was spending April of 1935 visiting New York City.

He was visiting an old college acquaintance of his who had now become an inspector in the New York Police Department.

“Inspector Hennessy,” his secretary brought into her boss’ office the private eye from New Orleans, “a Mr. Carson Cody Albion to see you.”

“Carson, my old friend,” the Inspector rushed to greet him.

They discussed old times and college days.

And how the philosopher Hegel (who they had both studied in the same philosophy course they took) was a major pain in the ass.

However Hegel’s influence on the world was profound in the decade of the 1930s.

Hegel, as interpreted through the lens of the left wing Hegelians particularly Marx, was influencing Bolshevism and Communism.

Hegel, as interpreted through the lens of the right wing Hegelians particularly Nietzsche, was influencing Nazism and Fascism.

Inspector Hennessy was then discusing cases he was working on.

One involved a wild animal walking the streets of New York City.

A black coloured panther with golden green eyes who ripped out the throats of its victims.

The other involved a serial killer dressed as a clown who slashed the throats of his victims.

Beside his victims, he left a fortune cookie that always had the same message, “Be prepared to be surprised by the god of surprises.”

Albion said he’d help Hennessy with the case.

As Albion walked back to his hotel, he passed a tarot card reading room.

A very beautiful young woman dressed in the beautiful coloured blouse and skirt of a gypsy woman stood outside.

“A reading, sir,” she smiled at him.

“Why not?” Said Albion.

He did not believe in tarot cards or crystal balls but he had time to kill.

Interestingly enough the reading sort of matched the case his friend Inspector Hennessy was working on.

When the reading was over, the lovely brunette gypsy woman smiled at him and said, “Remember, sir, it takes a thief to catch a thief.”

Curious statement, Albion thought.

Albion was walking by a Church – Saint Raphael’s- when he noticed the priest locking up.

“Good evening, Father,” Albion said.

“Good evening,” said the priest, “You’re Carson Cody Albion are you not?”.

“Why, yes,” Albion nodded, “You know me?”.

“I have a niece who lives in New Orleans,” the priest explained, “She’s sent me newspaper clippings about your exploits. She knows I have a weakness for detective stories- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s Sherlock Holmes, G.K. Chesterton’s Father Brown and Agatha Christie’s Hercule Poirot.”

“Excellent writers and excellent detectives all of them,” Albion acknowledged.

“Working on a case here in New York?” The priest asked.

Albion mentioned the panther and also the clown serial killer who called himself the God of Surprises.

“This clown serial killer the God of Surprises is a sinister individual,” the priest crossed himself with the Sign of the Cross, “I believe he’s human but yet he’s possesed of a supernatural paranormal power that I believe is demonic in origin.”

“What makes you think that, Father?” Albion was curious.

“I have to go to a hospital to hear confessions but meet me here at the rectory at noon tomorrow,” the priest pointed, “It’s right next to the Church.”

Albion agreed.

At 2 AM Albion woke up.

Feeling restless he decided to go for a walk.

He walked past Saint Raphael’s Church and was surprised to see a moving van out in front.

A moving van in the middle of the night?

At a Church?

The movers were moving Crosses and Crucifixes and statues of Mary and the Saints from the Church into the van.

This is curious, Albion thought.

He looked at the name on the van PILTDOWN AND PEKING MOVERS.

Weird, Albion thought.

The following morning Albion again walked in the direction of the Church.

This time for his noon appointment with the priest rector of Saint Raphael’s at the Church rectory.

He was surprised to see CRIME SCENE yellow tape around the Church building.

Albion figured that possibly the middle of the night movers were in fact burglars and he Albion had neglected to stop them.

“What’s happened here, Hennessy?” Albion asked the inspector when he saw him.

“Well aside from the obvious theft of the Crosses and Crucifixes and statues of Mary and the Saints, the priest Father Lacroix was found dead at the altar with his throat slashed,” Hennessy stated, “along with a fortune cookie carrying the message, BE PREPARED TO BE SURPRISED BY THE GOD OF SURPRISES. Witnesses saw a clown carrying a bloodied knife flee the Church building.”

Hennessy and Albion went to talk to the rectory’s housekeeper to see if she knew if Father Lacroix had any enemies.

The housekeeper, an Irish woman in her mid-50s, sobbed that this clown serial killer the God of Surprises must be demonically possessed.

That’s why the Crosses and Crucifixes and statues of Mary and the Saints were taken out so that the demonic clown serial killer The God of Surprises could enter the Church and kill Father Lacroix.

Indeed it turned out there was no such moving company as PILTDOWN AND PEKING MOVERS.

Albion after helping Hennessy had gone to a local public pool for a swim.

While walking through the pool area he saw this woman.

Albion stopped to look at her.

“You recognize me, monsieur?” the woman spoke with a French accent.

As a matter of fact, he had seen a sketch of her.

In the notebook of one Barnabas Van Helsing a vampire hunter who wasn’t quite as famous as his elder brother Dr. Abraham Van Helsing.

Back in the early 1890s the City of New Orleans had been terrorized by a wild black panther with golden green eyes who killed New Orleans citizens by ripping out their throats.

Van Helsing had caught up with the panther who, the vampire hunter had claimed in his notebook, had shapeshifted into a beautiful woman.

The woman, Van Helsing claimed was an immortal, who turned into a panther on certain nights.

She was a 17th Century French noblewoman named Claudia Simon.

Van Helsing had sketched her picture.

Albion recognized the woman standing in front of him as being the same woman in Barnabas Van Helsing’s sketch.

He also recalled something else.

Something the gypsy woman had said to him yesterday.

It takes a thief to catch a thief.

A couple of hours later a very beautiful woman was walking through a dark neighbourhood.

The sounds of the stilettos on her high heeled shoes clicking the pavement.

The constant pulling up of her coat and adjusting of her skirt.

A clown started to follow her.

He carried a knife.

He walked very stealthily behind her and was about to strike… when the woman suddenly turned and spun around on her heels.

He was surprised.

“You appear to be surprised, oh, God of Surprises,” said the woman with a most exquisite French accent.

She turned into a panther and ripped out his throat.

The clown shouted out several last words before he died.

As Hennessy and Albion wrapped up the investigation, they discovered that the clown was a Jesuit priest named Father Edgar Noeticus who had studied under the French Jesuit priest paleontologist Father Pierre Teilhard de Chardin over in China.

No one was sure when Father Noeticus had left China and when he returned to the U.S.

However after he got his throat ripped out by the panther woman, he shouted out one final last cry, “Someday a Pope shall venerate me the God of Surprises.”

In his right hand as he died he clutched a fortune cookie with the message BE PREPARED TO BE SURPRISED BY THE GOD OF SURPRISES.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday April 22nd
2022.

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Slek The Demon

March 14, 2022 at 9:51 pm (Aesthetics, Geopolitics and International Relations, Horror, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

Slek the demon: Seen in the middle of war-torn Ukraine

Slek was a particularly insidious and ferocious demon.

He was the go-to for Phoenix Diabolicus who was Lucifer the Devil’s 2nd in Command.

Some years ago Slek the demon had aided America’s most pre-eminently evil mad scientists Dr. Anthony Fauci and Dr. Francis Collins in developing genetically created repulsively ugly women and then unleashing them on the City of Calgary.

Today the results of that horrible experiment could be seen as Dr. Cadbury Rocher’s genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee was going throughout the streets and public transit systems of downtown Calgary beheading and dismembering loads of repulsive uglos (thin ugly stoats, medium sized ugly gargoyles and fat ugly blimps) in an effort to rid the poor city of this hideously uglo abomination of desolation.

The ghosts of 19th Century German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche and 19th Century Anglo-Irish writer Oscar Wilde were sitting atop the needle of the Calgary Tower (whose original name was the Husky Tower) playing a ghostly game of Scrabble (using English, German and Latin words) and watching the proceedings below.

“Goodness gracious,” Wilde wiped his ghostly brow with his spectral handkerchief, “I think I once had a dream about encountering an uglo Calgarian woman when I was a young mortal. I think it was that dream that led me to have an affair with Lord Alfred Douglas the son of John Douglas the 9th Marquess of Queensbury who established the Queensbury Rules of Boxing that form the basis of modern boxing.”

“You know,” Nietzsche threw a chicken wish bone for the Greek gods Apollo and Dionysus to wrestle over, “It looks like this might take a herculean effort to rid this city of all the vast amounts of uglo women in it. I’m gping to put in a request to Hades the god of the Underworld that he release Hercules from the realm of the Underworld and send him up here to start bumping off all these uglo women with his mighty club.”

The philosopher got on his Samsung Galaxy phone and called Hades’ number.

Within minutes, the divine hero Hercules found himself standing on the sidewalks of downtown Calgary.

The mighty giant was so shocked by the grotesqueness of the uglo women that he saw that he began barfing all over the place.

Zeus had Hercules sent back to the Underworld where the divine hero continued to barf all over the place.

Hercules’ vomit caused two of the rivers of the Underworld- the river Styx and the river Acheron to rise and rise until they rose from the Underworld and began reaching the surface of the Earth itself.

There they formed a confluence of blood in Ukraine.

And from the midst of that confluence of blood rose Slek the demon.

-A vampire novel chapter
written Monday March 14th
2022

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221 B Baker Street and The Italy Affair

January 3, 2022 at 10:53 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, History, Horror, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , )

“Contessa, Prime Minister Gladstone is at the door,” the butler informed the Contessa.

It was January 3rd 1894.

Or so Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster noticed on the calendar page on the desk in the living room as he noticed the pair in his vision.

“1894,” Michelangelo recalled the year from his History textbook (which was no longer used in the homo sapien public education system), “that was Gladstone’s last year as Prime Minister.”

“Gladstone and the Contessa were discussing Italy,” the ghost of Winston Churchill remarked as he sipped a spectral glass of red wine next to Michelangelo’s aquarium, “Often what was happening in Rome would eventually set the stage for the rest of Europe. Britain ruled the waves and the world but Rome seemed to rule the psyches of Europe.”

“I never could figure out Italian psyches,” the ghost of Sigmund Freud commented.

“Nor I,” Carl Jung’s ghost piped up.

. . .

The ghosts of William Gladstone and Benjamin Disraeli were banging at the door of 221B Baker Street.

Not realizing that Sherlock Holmes no longer lived there anymore.

And in Italy, the ghost of Benito Mussolini was in control of the current Italian government.

. . .

In the meantime, the government of Germany (Italy’s World War II ally) had released data suggesting that most of the fully vaccinated will have full blown Covid-19 vaccine induced acquired immunodefiency syndrome (AIDS) by the end of January 2022.

Naturally this data wasn’t being reported by the brainless mainstream meda.

Evil deranged mad scientist Dr. Anthony Fauci (an Italian-American physician of ill repute save among morons) was ecstatic upon hearing the news that Germans would be coming down with AIDS.

He would make a fortune from selling his drug AZT in Germany.

Meanwhile Germany’s new Chancellor Olaf Scholz was reading the report that said that the immune systems of the fully vaccinated have already degraded to an average of minus 87%.

Scholz put the report through the paper shredder as the ghost of Nazi Minister of Propaganda Joseph Goebbels applauded.

. . .

Meanwhile as the German people could expect to be keeling over from AIDS by the end of this month, the ghost of Benito Mussolini controlled Italian government in Rome announced last night that the Death Serum would be made obligatory for all over 18 years of age as of January 5th 2022.

A Committee For The Salvation of the Italian Republic was immediately formed which called for the arrest of the current government of Italy.

British MP Renfield R. Renfield approved of the formation of the Committee For The Salvation of The Italian Republic.

Remarked Renfield, “There’s no better place for the current Italian government to be than in jail. Save for the day they’re all hanging from the gallows upside down like Benito Mussolini and his mistress.”

Meanwhile the ghost of Sir Henry Baskerville (who was Sherlock Holmes’ best known client) had sent the ghost of the Hound of the Baskervilles over to attack Fascist pig Dutch police in the City of Amsterdam.

This past weekend Dutch police had set the dogs on anti-lockdown protestors in Amsterdam.

So now with the permission of Persephone the Queen of the Underworld, the Hound of the Baskervilles was returning the favour.

So just as German citizens would soon be dying of AIDS, the Italian government would soon be in jail and then on the gallows, Dutch police in Amsterdam would soon be dying of sulphuric rabies.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday January 3rd
2022.

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Vampiress Mei-ling Manchu Makes An Amazing Discovery

October 17, 2021 at 10:59 pm (Comedy, Culture, Gothic, Horror, Humour, Literature, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

Vampiress Mei-ling Manchu, who drank red wine (unlike Bela Lugosi’s Dracula), was in the study of Transylvania’s Castle Dracula where she had made an amazing discovery:

Mei-ling Manchu: This is very interesting…

Mei-ling Manchu: Apparently writer Truman Capote did not write In Cold Blood…

Mei-ling Manchu: He wrote in… ink.

Mei-ling Manchu: However the same won’t be said about me.

-A vampiress Mei-ling Manchu
Halloween photo montage
written by Christopher
Sunday October 17th
2021.

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Pan Goatee Beheads More Uglos and Morons While Stalin’s Saints Keep Marching On

October 16, 2021 at 10:59 pm (Aesthetics, Geopolitics and International Relations, Horror, International Intrigue, News, Sorcery, Technology, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee was about to get off a bus.

A fellow with a stupid looking expression on his face beat him to the back door exit (the fellow was so stupid looking that Pan guessed he was probably a supporter of vaccine mandates).

Anyways when the green light went on, the fellow was too stupid to wave his hand in front of the spot that said WAVE HERE to open the door.

Goatee was finally forced to wave his hand in front of the spot while the idiot in front of him stood totally clueless.

As the idiot got off the bus and stood there looking stupid, an ugly looking woman (of the thin ugly looking stoat variety according to the Goatee Classification System of Facially Aesthetically Challenged Uglos) ran in front of Goatee to get on the bus Goatee just got off.

Goatee immediately beheaded the thin ugly stoat and cut her up into 999 trillion pieces.

He did the same to her moronic looking boyfriend who ran alongside her.

He beheaded the jerk with incredibly bad taste in women and cut him up into 999 trillion pieces.

Goatee then went after the stupid looking idiot who did not know how to get off a bus.

“If you had known how to get off a bus, bozo, or at least stepped aside until I got off in front of you, I wouldn’t have had the misfortune of having that ugly looking creature run in front of me,” Goatee pointed out, “If you’re too stupid to know how to ride a bus, then don’t ride a bus, asshole.”

Goatee then beheaded the idiot and cut him up into 999 trillion pieces.

The idiot would not be riding a bus ever again.

Goatee then rushed to get on the next bus.

A fat ugly blimp (on the Goatee Classification System of Facially Aesthetically Challenged Uglos) decided to walk past Goatee to go up to flirt with the bus driver.

The bus driver must not have been from Calgary originally because he turned down the fatso uglo’s flirtations.

The fat ugly blimp on her way to the back of the bus (where she should have stayed) found herself being beheaded by Pan Goatee and cut up into 999 trillion pieces.

Krampus the Austro-Hungarian and Bavarian demon goat arrived on the bus to carry the fat ugly blimp’s remains down to Tartarus.

“This is bringing back memories of why I’ve stopped riding the bloody Calgary Transit System,” Goatee commented, “Too many uglos and morons riding it.”

As Celine Dion used to sing, “It’s all coming back to me now…”

. . .

Celine Dion would not be singing the song My Heart Will Go On in the case of a 17-year-old Ontario hockey player Sean Hartman who died of a heart attack two weeks after receiving the vaccine jab against Covid.

Sean Hartman who had been playing hockey in Beeton, Ontario since he was 5 years old absolutely loved playing hockey.

But he wouldn’t be allowed to play hockey this season unless he got vaccinated.

So he got vaccinated and two weeks later he was dead.

At the same time, Public Health Ontario dryly released a report covering vaccination data from December 2020 to August 7th 2021 and dryly concluded “the highest reporting rate of myocarditis/pericarditis was observed in males age 18-24 years following second dose.”

. . .

Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster was having a vision of British MP Renfield R. Renfield overseeing the execution of New South Wales Chief Health Officer Dr. Kerry Chant by firing squad.

Dr. Kerry Chant was the ugly looking airhead who said, “A Covid-forever New World Order is the New Normal.”

Dr. Kerry Chant was wearing a hood over her head to prevent the firing squad from barfing all over the place which would have occurred if they saw her repulsively ugly and stupid looking face.

New South Wales would not have suffered any problems in the first place if Pan Goatee had been a citizen of that state.

Michelangelo applauded vigourously with his lobster claws as Dr. Kerry Chant was blown away to kingdom come by Renfield’s firing squad.

Meanwhile as a result of the massive vaccination campaign going on in the Neo-Maoist Neo-Stalinst Nazi Police State of Victoria in Australia, that state just got a new record of 2,297 new cases in a single day and 62.65% of those cases were among the double dosed.

Michelangelo sees people lining up to take the vaccine shot and as they do so, the Haitian Vodou spirit of Baron Samedi sings his own paraphrased version of an old New Orleans spiritual hymn,

“When Stalin’s saints come marching in,
When Stalin’s saints come marching in,
you better be, be, be in that number
When Stalin’s saints come marching in…”

Those lining up either keel over and die after getting the shot or turn into living dead zombies with their flesh falling off and wander the streets in search of brains.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday October 16th
2021.

Baron Samedi partying it up with a female disciple and singing, “When Stalin’s saints keep marching in…”

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Hudson Valley Halloween Horror

October 5, 2021 at 10:58 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, Gothic, Gothic poem, Gothic romance, Horror, Humour, International Intrigue, News, Sorcery, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , )

Vincent: I’m afraid, cousin Jenny, that cousin Floyd will be unable to dine with us this evening.

Jenny: Why ever not?

Vincent: He had the misfortune of being eaten by a black jaguar in the woods last night.

Jenny: A black jaguar in the Hudson River Valley?

Vincent: No doubt the poor creature was a long ways from home. Which may explain why not much was left of Floyd when he was found. Only his right ear and the thumb on his left hand which was tattooed with a drawing of Napoleon. How they were able to identify him.

Jenny: How positively awful.

Vincent: I’ll say. He owed me $100. Money that I suppose now will never be repaid.

Jenny: What was he doing walking in the woods?

Vincent: No one is sure. The only thing known for sure is that he was wearing a pink nightgown while walking in the woods.

Jenny: So that’s why they called him Pink Floyd.

Vincent: Undoubtedly.

Jenny: Whatever happened to that nutty woman they found walking in the woods last week?

Vincent: The one who claimed to have come from the year 2021 and believed herself to be a female Christ saying if people vaccinated themselves, they were Apostles of her love.

“That’s the one,” Jenny nodded.

“I had her burnt at the stake as a witch,” Vincent answered.

“Burnt at the stake?” Jenny was shocked.

“Yes, there was some old wood I was wanting to get rid of,” Vincent nodded, “so I killed two birds with one stone.”

A pair of large black ravens fell from the sky.

“She was a witch?” Jenny turned pale.

“Yes the demons Moloch, Baal and Baphomet visited her room at the village inn,” Vincent explained, “where they jabbed the innkeeper’s daughter with a needle and she died.”

“Awful,” Jenny shook her head.

“There is much evil in the land,” Vincent noted just as the clock was 5 minutes shy of twelve, “Darkness falls across the land, the midnight hour is close at hand and whosoever shall be found without the soul for getting down must stand and face the hounds of Hell and rot inside a corpse’s shell.”

“There’s a three headed dog out there,” Jenny gasped as she looked out the window.

“That would be Cerberus,” Vincent explained.

Vincent went over to his sitting room book shelf and grabbed a volume of ancient Koine Greek and looked up the words for “Sit” and “Good boy”.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday October 5th
2021.

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