A Delightful Duck Called Samuel Puddlington

March 22, 2020 at 10:52 pm (Comedy, Entertainment, Humour, Poetry) ()

A Delightful Duck Called Samuel Puddlington

The lovely Latin señorita that danced with the delightful duck called Samuel Puddlington

Here’s a poem I wrote almost 3 years ago when the delightful duck called Samuel Puddlington and his friends the froggy green little frog and the big-eared hare that munched on a carrot orange and fair as well as the lovely Latin señorita that Samuel danced with did not have to practice social distancing:

https://draculvanhelsing.wordpress.com/2017/05/03/the-duck-called-samuel-puddlington-a-poem/

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Reblog of The Headless Horseman In New York: A Poem

March 20, 2020 at 10:33 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, Humour, News, Poetry) (, , )

A poem I wrote 4 years ago today.

Dracul Van Helsing

The Headless Horseman In New York: A Poem

A can of Dew Kickstart one could barely swallow
when one saw the Headless Horseman of Sleepy Hollow
riding his horse down Fifth Avenue
swiping from a traffic cop a bowl of Irish stew
but realizing he had no mouth to eat it
he threw it aside quoting Michael Jackson, “Beat it.”

He then rode to Park Avenue
and starting to feel a little blue
sang that grand old tune
by the light of silvery moon,
“Puttin’ on the Ritz
Dressed up like a million dollar trouper
Trying hard to look like Gary Cooper”
And having no head the Headless Horseman failed miserably at looking like Gary Cooper
he more resembled Donald Trump minus his red spider monkey fur toup-er
And thus he left New York a Presidential party pooper.

-A poem written by Christopher
Sunday March 20th 2016.

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Christmas Sweater

December 22, 2019 at 11:31 pm (Christmas, Culture, Folklore, Humour, Poetry) (, , )

Christmas Sweater

And so one might ask, who and what did Santa Claus ride
Back in the day of the dinosaurs’ stride?
And now thanks to Christmas sweaters, it can be revealed 
You can wear the sweater while, on the topic, keeping your lips sealed.

-A poem written by Christopher
Sunday December 22nd
2019.

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Porch Pirate Eaters and Snowmen

December 17, 2019 at 11:29 pm (Comedy, Culture, Entertainment, Humour, News, TV Commercials, Vampire novel) (, , )

Porch Pirate Eaters and Snowmen

BBC News Anchorwoman Geeta Guru-Murthy was reading the news.

Geeta: And now a news story involving everyone’s favourite Member of Parliament Renfield R. Renfield.
Mr. Renfield recently filmed a TV commercial that will be shown in North America.
With the recent massive growth in on-line sales, there has also been a massive surge in porch piracy- that act whereby someone steals a parcel left on a porch by a delivery courier company.
To combat this growing crime phenomenon, Set Enterprises’ chief scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher has invented something guaranteed to combat porch piracy and ensure that your on-line ordered package remains safe to wind up in your hands.
Here is Mr. Renfield advertising the product in that TV ad:

Renfield: Hi, I’m Renfield R. Renfield dashing and debonair British Member of Parliament.
Are you tired of porch pirates stealing your parcels that you bought on-line with your hard earned money?

Then get this: 

The scene shows a parcel left on a porch by a delivery man.
The delivery man leaves and a person pulls up in a car on the street and exits to help himself to the parcel off the porch.
As he walks down the walk carrying the parcel, he’s suddenly attacked by a one-eyed one-horned flying purple monster.

Renfield: Yes, friends, it’s the Set Enterprises’ one-eyed one-horned flying purple parcel pirate eater.

The monster bites off the porch pirate’s arm: Munch! Munch!

Renfield: No more will you have to worry about these porch pirates who want to ruin your Christmas season.

The monster bites off a porch pirate’s leg: Munch! Munch!

Renfield: And your loved ones will actually get the gifts they deserve.
While porch pirates get what they deserve.

The monster bites off the porch pirate’s head: Munch! Munch!

Renfield (smiling): So sleep easily this Christmas season knowing that the parcels you order on-line and have delivered to your house will remain safe on your porch if you happen to own a one-eyed one-horned flying purple parcel pirate eater.
And have a wonderful and blessed Christmas season, my friends.

(Renfield waves at the camera)

Monster (after totally devouring the porch pirate): BELCH!

(Geeta looks astounded)

Geeta: Well, moving on to our next story, from a land down under, everyone’s favourite once and future Australian jailbird Uncle Ernie claims to have developed a snowman made of real snow that the said Uncle Ernie says won’t melt in the hot Australian summer sun so that Australians this Christmas can enjoy real snowmen like their cousins in far more northern climates do.
Reporting from Australia is our Australian correspondent J. Michael Crocodile Dungheap:

Crocodile Dungheap: Thanks, Geeta, well as you can see…

(The camera pans out showing reporter Crocodile Dungheap standing in a massive puddle of melted ice)

Crocodile Dungheap: … it’s back to the drawing board for Uncle Ernie.

(Geeta once again looks astounded)

Geeta (regaining her composure) : Coming up after the break, this story… who will replace Jeremy Corbyn as British Labour leader?

(The camera shows twice defeated Welsh British Labour candidate and private eye Magog Rhys Petley turning into a werewolf)

-A vampire novel chapter 
written by Christopher
Tuesday December 17th
2019.

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Frosty Snowman and Teddy Bear

December 15, 2019 at 10:58 pm (Blogroll, Celebrities, Children's Story, Christmas, Comedy, Humour, Poetry) (, , , , , , , )

Frosty Snowman and Teddy Bear

Amadeus Emanon had been invited to sing an original song for the Christmas concert at Saint Genevieve’s Church which he attended.

“Do you know what he’s going to sing?” Angelique Dumont asked Amadeus’ friend Renfield R. Renfield as they sat in the pews.

“No, I don’t,” Renfield replied.

Amadeus began his introduction to the song, “When I’ve been out walking in my neighbourhood in the evening for the past couple of weeks to look at the Christmas lights, one of the houses I’ve noticed has a sparkling Frosty the Snowman lit up with some sparkling snow flakes. Next to Frosty is a teddy bear that’s carrying a large nicely wrapped Christmas present. It too is lit up. So I’ve written a song about Frosty Snowman and Teddy Bear.”

Amadeus began his song,

“Frosty Snowman, Frosty Snowman,
he is cooler than a ceiling fan,
he’s made of snow
from head to toe 
and his carrot nose 
has that certain glow.

With buttons for eyes
that hypnotize 
his charcoal mouth has never tasted fries 
He wears a scarf and several school ties 
He smokes a pipe under moonlit skies.

As for Teddy, he’s always ready 
to help you bear the unbearable 
And though you think his Christmas sweater is unwearable 
He wears it just the same
His excuse may be lame
And his pic won’t adorn a frame 
But being unique is his game.

He holds a gift nicely wrapped
He looks so fresh having recently napped 
He waves hello
With places to go
He’ll wave good-bye
But please don’t cry 
He will be back 
carrying Santa’s sack.

Frosty Snowman, Teddy Bear
As you see, they’ve got real flair 
Come Christmas Eve, you’ll see they care
And please hang your stockings by the chimney somewhere
And please don’t mock Santa’s extra large suit he’ll wear
For he ate too much Mrs. Claus’ cookies on a dare.

-A song, poem and vampire novel chapter 
written by Christopher
Sunday December 15th
2019.

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The Kraken Congratulates Renfield On His Election Win

December 14, 2019 at 11:25 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, Humour, News, Poetry, Politics, Vampire novel) (, )

The Kraken Congratulates Renfield On His Election Win

“Congratulations,” said the Kraken
while distant snow was flakin’ 
He was speaking to Renfield over the phone
As Medusa rolled over with a moan

The Kraken lay in his bed
After dinner, he felt fully fed
He was giving his British friend a call
Rather than shopping at the mall.

His friend was re-elected an MP
so Kraken was quite ecstatic with glee 
To Westminster he would return 
And watch those EU bridges burn 

“Yes,” said Renfield as he sipped his gin
And wiped crackers off his chin
“Brexit has been given thumbs up by voters
not good news for Brussels’ bureaucratic bloaters”.

“Are you back in cabinet?” The Kraken did ask
As he helped himself to a whisky flask
“Since Boris has a majority, probably not
Only Tory MPs will be given the lot,”
Renfield replied as he sipped his tea
And played Christmas cheer on his ukulele.

“Well nice talking to you, mon ami,”
The Kraken said with sincerity,
“But now I must go and take a bath
With 8 underarms to wash, I know my math.”

-A poem and vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday December 14th
2019.

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The Kraken Visits A Christmas Market

November 24, 2019 at 10:48 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, Humour, International Intrigue, Mythology, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

The Kraken Visits A Christmas Market 

The Kraken who called himself Napoleon VI (because he hoped someday to become Emperor of France) and his wife Medusa (the ex-Gorgon) decided to head north across the border into Germany to visit one of the famous German Christmas markets.

They rented a one horse open sleigh for their journey.

As they journeyed north, the Kraken wearing red and white and a false white beard waved and said, “Ho, ho, ho” at all the passers-by.

“Mommy,” said one little girl, “I didn’t know Santa had 8 arms.”

“He has to in order to handle 8 reindeer,” her mother answered.

They soon came to a very beautiful Bavarian village with a Christmas market.

The Kraken exited the sleigh and posed for pictures with various people who were anxious to increase the likes on their Instagram accounts.

Medusa went shopping for candles and ornaments.

The Kraken then went over to a mulled wine stand and spent a great deal of time imbibing.

“Hic! Hic! Hic!” The Kraken said as he walked (or more accurately stumbled) his way towards the Christmas market central square to meet up with Medusa.

Playing at the gazebo bandstand in the Christmas market central square was the noted Norwegian jazz singer Olaf Fjordson.

His orchestra consisting of a jazz pianist, a jazz saxophonist, a jazz guitarist and a jazz violinist was behind him.

Olaf Fjordson and His Jazz Orchestra normally played the very popular wintertime jazz cafe Frozen North Orleans on the island of Spitsbergen, a jazz cafe that had been frequented by such notables as Orson Welles, Pablo Picasso, Howard Hughes and his biographer Clifford Irving.

They had been flown in from Spitsbergen to open the town’s Christmas market.

The jazz pianist was on stage trying to scrape the icicles off his piano keys.

The jazz saxophonist was holding his saxophone over an open fire as ice fell out of the mouthpiece.

The jazz guitarist was likewise scraping ice off his strings.

The jazz violinist was sitting on stage with his hands tied behind his back as his Australian Ernievarius violin (made out of winter tires) sat on his lap and therefore was not being played (for which the Christmas market crowds should be truly thankful).

As such, jazz singer Olaf Fjordson was currently singing a capella.

Sang Fjordson,

I feel it in my fingers 
I feel it in my toes 
Frostbite’s all around me 
And so the feeling grows…

After singing this last line, Fjordson immediately started screaming his head off like a heavy metal singer in concert.

“That Fjordson seems to have an extensive range when it comes to varieties of musical genre,” the Kraken remarked to Medusa.

“He does indeed,” Medusa agreed.

The Kraken then checked his 8 Rolex watches and noticed that it was time for them to head off in the direction of Berlin where they were due for a midnight banquet with German Chancellor Angela Merkel.

As they left, they noticed a World War I Sopwith Camel (that had flown the jazz orchestra from Spitsbergen to the Bavarian village Christmas market) being de-iced along with the pilot – a beagle wearing a World War I flying ace’s cap and goggles.

-A vampire novel chapter 
written by Christopher 
Sunday November 24th
2019.

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Justin Discovers Kermit’s Law: It Isn’t Easy Being Green

November 18, 2019 at 11:54 pm (Comedy, Geopolitics and International Relations, Humour, International Intrigue, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

Justin Discovers Kermit’s Law: It Isn’t Easy Being Green

Sophie Gregoire Trudeau (wife of Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau) was in their family mansion in Ottawa when she suddenly noticed a light on in the greenhouse outside.

She hadn’t seen a light on in the greenhouse since the days her husband’s pet pot smoking desert cactus plant Strawberry Fields Forever inhabited the place.

Then the greenhouse light was on all the time whenever her husband was home.

Justin would go and inhale Strawberry Fields Forever’s exhaled pot smoke so he could truthfully tell the media that he didn’t personally smoke marijuana.

However that changed nearly a year ago when Chinese Communist agents from Beijing cactusnapped Strawberry Fields Forever from the greenhouse in retaliation for Canada’s arrest of Huawei CFO Meng Wanzhou.

Then over the summer, Strawberry Fields Forever finally ended up being murdered by his Chinese Communist captors since Meng Wanzhou still hadn’t been released from Canada.

Sophie was actually pleased when Strawberry Fields Forever had been cactusnapped because her husband stopped blabbing about getting advice from Gali-Gula the Caligula’s spirit possessed ET Gray from the planet Nibiru- an entity that her husband always saw whenever he inhaled pot smoke.

People might start thinking he was a lunatic if he engaged in such talk.

Sadly for her, Justin had recently decided to get Set Enterprises’ famous research scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher of London to genetically create a new pot smoking desert cactus plant for him.

With this in mind, Justin had sent Sheriff Stonedwall Jackman the pot smoking sheriff of Calypso’s Bosom (an Aquarian Age hippy commune on British Columbia’s Sechelt Peninsula- a sort of New Age equivalent of Scotland’s mythical mystical Brigadoon- with the cosmically inclined “far out” village emerging from its pot smoke filled mists once every 7 years) down to the Arizona desert to pick up a new cactus plant for Dr. Cadbury Rocher to clone.

Apparently Sheriff Stonedwall Jackman had cut off a slice of cactus from a cactus plant that the Hopi tribe of Arizona regarded as sacred.

The slice of cactus had been flown by Government of Canada jet from Arizona to London this past weekend.

It apparently took Dr. Cadbury Rocher approximately 4 to 6 weeks to genetically create a new pot smoking desert cactus plant.

Dr. Rocher did promise Justin however that he should have the new pot smoking desert cactus plant ready by Christmas.

It would definitely give the lines of that Christmas carol “Angels we have heard on high” a whole new meaning Sophie thought to herself when her husband Justin had told her the “good news”.

So if the pot smoking cactus plant wouldn’t be ready until Christmas, what were the lights doing on in the greenhouse? Sophie wondered to herself.

She went out to investigate.

She looked through the greenhouse window where she got the shock of her life.

She stormed through the greenhouse door.

“Justin, what the Hell do you think you’re doing?” Sophie called out angrily.

Justin was wearing a green turban on his head and had his face painted green with green face makeup.

He was inhaling marijuana smoke from a tiny desert cactus plant that was wearing a mini-skirt and giggling like a teen-aged school girl.

“Oh hi, dear,” the green-faced Justin Trudeau grinned, “this is Material Girl from Australia. She’s one of two original plant clippings off Strawberry Fields Forever that I had given to the noted Australian poet David Redpath. She and her twin brother Mellow Yellow.”

“And who is that mysterious looking gentleman?” Sophie pointed in the direction of a man wearing the robes of a Ming Emperor.

“That’s Mr. Inn Lu,” Justin explained, “He’s the one who flew Material Girl from Australia to Ottawa on his private jet at my request. I need to talk to Gali-Gula right away. And can’t wait until Christmas. So Inn Lu who’s a certified Dragon Master (don’t ask me what that is because I don’t know) and runs a recreational therapy spa in Sydney was kind enough to fly her here.”

“How do you know he runs a recreational therapy spa in Sydney?” Sophie asked her husband.

“Because that’s what it says on his business card,” Justin answered.

“Can I see your business card?” Sophie asked Inn Lu.

Inn Lu reached under his Green Dragon emblazoned black cap on top of his head and pulled out a business card.

Sophie looked at Inn Lu’s business card.

She then turned towards her husband and shrieked, “You idiot! He runs an opium den.”

“Well, smoking opium is a form of recreational therapy,” Justin smiled sheepishly.

“Don’t let Opposition Leader Andrew Scheer hear you say that,” Sophie shook her head in exasperation.

“Baa-baa-black sheep, have you any wool?” Material Girl started singing.

“Speaking of black sheep,” Sophie glared angrily at Justin, “What’s with the green turban and the green face? You told the media and the Canadian voters you’d never wear black face or brown face ever again.”

“And I’ve kept my promise,” Justin protested, “I never promised not to wear green face.”

“I never promised you a rose garden,” Material Girl sang, “along with the sunshine. There’s got to be a little rain sometimes.”

“Why are you wearing green face anyways?” Sophie asked.

“At Material Girl’s request,” Justin grinned, “She said she wouldn’t exhale pot smoke in my face unless I did so.” 

The mysterious Mr. Inn Lu pulled a very large hourglass of sand out from under his robes and looked at the remaining small grains of sand that were left at the top about to filter through to the bottom of the hour glass, “Okay. Time to go, Material Girl. Your babysitter Uncle Ernie told me that the 48 hour All You Can Eat coupon he bought your owner Mr. David Redpath for the Road Kill Cafe (with food served fresh hourly) in the Australian Outback will be expiring soon. If he comes home and finds you missing again, Uncle Ernie will be in big trouble again. Time to head home.”

“Awww, shoot!” Material Girl pouted.

Despite her pouting, Inn Lu picked up Material Girl with his gloved hands and headed out to his private jet.

“Well, I guess no need now to ask you about the airplane parked in the driveway,” Sophie remarked to her green faced husband.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday November 18th 
2019.

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Michelangelo: The Fastest Claw In The West

October 6, 2019 at 10:24 pm (Humour, Literature, Poetry, Romance, Vampire novel, western) (, , , , , , , , )

Michelangelo: The Fastest Claw In The West

Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster had a visitor in his aquarium room at Set Enterprises today.

The visitor was Belvedere the ghost of a ghost white salamander reporter for the Times of London.

Belvedere, in his days as a mortal, before he had been turned into a ghost white salamander by a gypsy enchantress, had lived in the days of the American Wild West and was therefore regaling the lobster with tales of his adventures (somewhat highly embellished of course!).

Belvedere was then called away by his editor to attend a late night session of the House of Lords who were debating if there would be enough sausages available to make full English breakfasts should a no-deal Brexit happen.

When Belvedere left, Michelangelo fell asleep and dreamed that he was living in the days of the Wild West.

The place was Dodge City
The times were not pretty 
Willy Malone and The Bronson Boys
had fired their guns certainly not toys
They were the gang that called the shots 
And gave their horses the best parking spots 

No one could stop their reign of terror 
thinking that one could was a total error
You’d find yourself plugged full of lead
and resting ‘neath tombstones with the rest of the dead

It was on a hot and dusty day 
that a lobster wandered this way
He went up to the bar and ordered a beer 
using chalk and a chalkboard to make himself clear
For the crustacean was the strong silent type 
and his body odour was not overly ripe

Willy Malone and the Bronson Boys came strolling through the door
Got the shock of their life seeing a lobster on the floor 
Said Malone as he saw the lobster drinking his beer 
and finding the whole thing very queer
This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
So I say unto you, Hit the road, Gus

The lobster wrote on the chalkboard
with all the pizzaz of a High British Lord
My name is Michelangelo and I shall not leave
So stick that up your nose and wipe your sleeve

Malone was beside himself 
As he knocked beer bottles off the shelf
Step out into the street for a show down
And when you’re dead you’ll leave town 
I’m challenging you to a gun fight 
Bullets blazing will be your last sight

Michelangelo accepted the challenge to a draw 
And was out on the street with gun in claw 
The town’s privy clerk counted to three 
And the lobster shot old Malone in the knee
He did the same with the Bronson Boys
who keeled over in the street making lots of noise 

For Michelangelo was the fastest claw in the West
And the Malone-Bronson gang wasn’t up for the test 

-A vampire novel chapter
and poem
written by Christopher
Sunday October 6th
2019.


One of the witnesses to the gunfight between Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster and the Malone-Bronson Gang

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Miranda Singh’s Shopping Lands Amadeus Emanon In Trouble

October 4, 2019 at 10:32 pm (Comedy, Entertainment, Humour, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

Miranda Singh’s Shopping Lands Amadeus Emanon In Trouble 

Miranda Singh shopping for Navaratri dresses

Miranda Singh was the Executive Secretary to the London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set.

After a day of hard work at Set Enterprises, she was looking forward to shopping for dresses to attend various Navaratri celebrations in London.

She was to meet a girlfriend who would record her shopping and live stream it to FaceBook to ask for a poll from her friends and family as to which dress she should buy.

Of course Miranda would probably buy the dress that was her own personal favourite but still she’d keep her friends and family happy by thinking they had some input on the matter.

However her friend who was a nurse had been asked to work an extra shift at the hospital due to a co-worker not being able to work that shift.

Who would be able to video record her and live stream it to FaceBook now?

There were other friends she could call but no doubt they had already made plans for this evening.

Amadeus Emanon the personal concert pianist to the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set happened to walk by the office at that moment.

He had been down at the Set Enterprises lab giving piano lessons to Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster.

Of course it was quite the challenge for Michelangelo to be able to play the piano with his lobster claws but Amadeus was a good teacher.

The lobster had given a stirring rendition of Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony much to the amazement of his creator the Set Enterprises scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher.

When Amadeus walked by, she asked him if he would mind recording her and live streaming to FaceBook.

Amadeus said sure.

Some 30 odd stores later:

“I think I like this one.”

“Wonderful,” said Amadeus who was getting smart phone holder’s wrist (a new medical phenomenon) by this time.

At that moment, Amadeus’ girlfriend Angelique Dumont happened to enter the store.

“What the Hell do you think you’re doing?” An angry Angelique approached Amadeus.

“I’m video recording the dresses Miranda is putting on and live streaming it to FaceBook,” Amadeus explained.

“Why is it you never come shopping for clothes with me?” Angelique demanded to know.

“Well,” Amadeus replied, “since I’m not Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner, I find shopping for women’s clothes boring.”

“Wait,” Angelique turned livid, “you think accompanying me when I shop for clothes is boring. But you’ll do it with Miranda. It isn’t boring with her I take it?”.

Amadeus was totally at a loss for words.

He was even more at a loss for words a moment later when Angelique hit him with her purse and he lay sprawled on the floor.

Renfield, who happened to be in the vicinity, laughed when he saw what happened.

“Amadeus certainly doesn’t know much about women,” he shook his head.

Renfield soon found himself confronted by his parliamentary colleague Morgana Fay Lee the MP for the Welsh Constituency of Newbridge.

“How dare you leave the restaurant last night sticking me with the cheque?” Morgana hit him over the head with her purse leaving the MP for Tewkesbury In The Cotswolds unconscious on the sidewalk.

British Prime Minister Boris Johnson walked by with an acquaintance.

He looked startled when he saw the unconscious Renfield on the sidewalk.

“Do you know that man?” Johnson’s acquaintance asked the Prime Minister.

“He was the one who came up with my government’s plan for Brexit and how to solve the Irish border question,” said Johnson.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday October 4th
2019.

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