Wilkie The Cat Plays Abraham Lincoln On Broadway: A Poem

February 18, 2019 at 11:56 pm (Arts, Celebrities, Comedy, Culture, Entertainment, Humour, Poetry, Satire, theatre, Theatre Arts) (, , , , , , , , , , )

Wilkie the feline thespian decided to celebrate Presidents’ Day 2019
By not drinking his own urine as proposed in AOC’s deal New Green
Rather he would play the role of Abraham Lincoln
and he did so after much heavy drinkin’.

Now Wilkie the Cat fancied himself the Orson Welles of Broadway
even though he was a bigger flop than a halibut caught in a codway
His proposal for a Presidents’ Day play
which drove theatregoers away
Was to play the role of Abraham Lincoln
with his catty whiskers, he’d be winkin’ and blinkin’
And his girlfriend would play Mary Todd
while the audience would play the part of Nod
which in their seats would be what they’d be doin’
As great theatre lovers underwent a serious screwin’

With encouragement from the ghost of that junior Ed Wood
Wilkie would put on the best show he could
which meant that turkey from outer space Plan 9
would when compared with Wilkie’s Lincoln look like Casablanca sublime

Wilkie fancied a play within a play like weeping over Hecuba within Hamlet
or Pyramus and Thisbe looking for rooms to let
all for the benefit of Midsummer’s wet dream
As Puck causes mortal aspirations to come apart at the seam

Wilkie’s idea was to have John Wilkes Booth as an actor on stage
appearing in Our American Cousin an 1865 theatrical rage
and have Booth shoot Lincoln from the stage rather than the Presidential Box
And allow John Wilkes Booth time to wipe the blood off his socks

Needless to say the idea sounded so much better over 10 bottles of gin
as Wilkie regaled the cast with his own peculiar historical spin
taking dramatic license to the seeming level of a mortal sin
Which it was pre-Vatican II
As Fishy Fridays
gave way to beef stew.

Sean Connery would play Our American Cousin
His line, “Miss Moneypenny, my head is abuzzin’
I have swiped the Army’s budget for the building of a wall
Because doing so I must admit makes me feel rather tall
As wearing this wee tartan kilt has me in its thrall
And the blasted neighbours won’t pay for this fine looking wall
Can you imagine their sheer arrogance and gall
And Congress won’t let me shut down government until way next fall
so I’m forced to declare an emergency even though there’s none at all.”

And Johnny Depp playing the fairy godmother of walls would appear in pink tights
giving LGBTQ members of the audience severe nocturnal frights
As Depp waves his magic wand, lo and behold
From one of his mix matched socks, a gun he does unfold
For the fairy godmother of walls is John Wilkes Booth
his night day job of exchanging nickels for a tooth
the Shakespearian actor did kindly forsooth

But Wilkie as Lincoln was eating a tuna fish sandwich
And Baphomet in the next booth was eating roast ostrich
And as William Shatner appeared as Captain James Kirk
It turned out both patrons’ food allergies were at work
With the force of a mid-Atlantic gale breeze
Wilkie and Baphomet let out a ferocious sneeze
And the wall came a tumblin’ down
right on the Statue of Liberty’s crown.

The play is over
The day is done
And Wilkie from his creditors
is now on the run.

-A Wilkie The Cat poem
written by Christopher
Monday February 18th
2019.


Theatre goers smiling because they haven’t yet seen Wilkie The Cat’s Broadway play about Abraham Lincoln.

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The Duck Called Samuel Puddlington At Lake Louise: A Poem

December 30, 2018 at 11:57 pm (Detective story, Geopolitics and International Relations, Humour, Nature, Poetry) (, , , , )

He was the duck they called Samuel Puddlington
His girlfriend said he left things muddlington
since he often danced with other women
of the human variety at great estates while drinking gin gin
said she, “I find this neither fowl nor fair”
and left him for a strand of monkey hair
that had fallen from the American Trumpster’s toupee
that disgraced Scots German Donald who said there would be Hell to pay
unless Congress caved in and built him a wall
Sam took the news well and went to another grand ball

When he had finished dancing up a storm
like John Travolta with an itchy tape worm
his frog and rabbit friend suggested they go to Canada
and ski while wearing a bandana

So they headed way out west to beautiful Lake Louise
the gem of the Blue Canadian Rockies
They skiied here
They skiied there
and did so without underwear
but seeing as how they were animals no one minded
the same not the case for pot smoking Justin Trudeau who was fined-ed
for displaying nudity in public
while ho-hoing like Saint Nick

Later while having dinner at the Chateau Lake Louise
his rabbit and frog friend both started to sneeze
perhaps long underwear they should have worn
for they came down with colds and went to bed forlorn

Sam stayed in the dining room and finished his dinner
in dancing, skiing and eating he was always a winner
He noticed a gent had left his briefcase on a table
Being curious like oxen in a Nativity stable
He went over and took a peek
while finishing his soup cockaleek

They were the files of Carson Cody Albion Private Eye
a legendary immortal shamus detective guy
Sam helped himself to a gravy dipped French fry

Inside was an old black and white photo
black and white like Kansas for Toto
before reaching the colourful land of Oz
A land far away from reindeer and Santa Claus

The photo was of the legendary Jaguar Woman of New Orleans
a shapeshifting cat woman whose dress came apart at the seams

On a note next to the photo, Albion had carefully written
in writing so small, it could easily be flea bitten
if fleas would ever eat someone else’s words
but such thinking is for the birds
thought Sam like a duck out of water
as he watched bourbon getting the best of a drunken otter

Albion had written “The Jaguar Queen of New Orleans
whose dress in a 1930s jazz club came apart at the seams
is none other than Semiramis the legendary Queen of Babylon”
and Samuel Puddlington thought, What the Heck is going on
but that, dear reader, a tale to be told in a future New Year dawn

-A poem written by Christopher
Sunday December 30th
2018.

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Reblog of The Duck Called Samuel Puddlington: A Poem

December 29, 2018 at 11:02 pm (Humour, Nature, Poetry) (, , , , , )

A poem about a duck called Samuel Puddlington that I wrote over a year ago.

Dracul Van Helsing

Samuel Puddlington The Duck looking very dapper

The duck called Samuel Puddlington was going to the grand ball
wearing a spiffy bow tie made him look 6 feet tall
It was going to be a grand event
attended by the Duchess of Kent

And so the duck waddled his way into the limousine
and sat next to a froggy green
“Ribbit! Ribbit!” said the frog
as he sat on a bump on a log.
“Rabbit! Rabbit!” said the big-eared hare
as he munched on a carrot orange and fair.

The limo pulled into the grounds of Mossdale Hall
packed with limos, the cars were at a crawl
Samuel Puddlington got out of the car
and inquired, “Good man, do they have a bar?”.
“Of course, you ninny,” said the chauffeur
while the rabbit stopped to wash his fur.

To the house the three went,
rabbit, frog and ducky gent
They knocked on the big front door
on…

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Short Humourous Poem About Penguins Riding Skis

December 28, 2018 at 11:56 pm (Comedy, Culture, Fantasy, Humour, Poetry) (, )

Smiling happy penguins skiing on their skis
Enjoying the crisp winter night and cool evening breeze
And since no one out and about really wants to freeze
They dress warm so as not to catch a cold and sneeze

-A poem written by Christopher
Friday December 28th 2018
inspired by the large McDonald’s
McCafe coffee he had drunk
earlier this evening
(and quite possibly the
psychedelic magic mushrooms
he ingested as well-
no! Just kidding! 😄)

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Goatee Slays Uglos, Renfield Poisons Apples and Allatallahbel Desolates The Vatican

December 27, 2018 at 11:56 pm (Aesthetics, Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, Humour, International Intrigue, News, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Pan Goatee had been in a good mood on Christmas Day because he hadn’t encountered any repulsively ugly women.

He wasn’t in such a good mood yesterday because some ugly woman tried to ride alongside him on a escalator so he promptly beheaded the bitch.

Then it turned out that the grocery stores in his neighbourhood were closed for boxing day so he wasn’t able to buy any groceries.

Today wasn’t such a good day either because when he went to pick up his subsidized transit pass (Goatee got a subsidized low-income transit pass for medical reasons since his doctor had certified him as homicidally insane and therefore this made him eligible for medical benefits such as a low-income transit pass), he discovered that his photo id had expired.

The clerk gave him a low-income transit pass for next month anyways but told him he would definitely need a new photo id for next month (it was lucky for the clerk that he did that for otherwise he would have been beheaded by Pan Goatee).

“Why the Hell do you need a fucking new photo id all the time?” Goatee fumed, “Proof positive that the days of the Antichrist and the Mark of the Beast are upon us.”

He beheaded a fat ugly blimp in a wheelchair who tried to get in his way.

“You know back in my day, we used to have only good looking people in wheelchairs,” the ghost of Raymond Burr remarked to the satyr serial killer after Goatee had beheaded the fat ugly blimp.

“Mister, we could use a disabled person like Police Detective Robert Ironside again,” Pan Goatee sang a paraphrased version of that old Archie Bunker All In The Family song about Herbert Hoover.

He then beheaded a few more ugly women around the transit place.

“If Semjaza and his Merry band of Watchers came down to Earth today,” Goatee did an impromptu theological exposition on the Book of I Enoch,
“they sure as Hell wouldn’t be mating with the daughters of men now not when they look like the daughters of walruses, stoats and gargoyles.”

Goatee was momentarily pleased when he actually saw a beautiful woman wearing a short skirt and black silk pantyhose exiting a building but she was immediately followed by an ugly stoat looking woman whom he promptly beheaded.

Later on the bus ride home, Goatee encountered another ugly stoat looking woman who in addition to being stoatly ugly was wearing a fashion designer’s nightmare of barf green coloured checkered pants with unmatching yellow striped purple running shoes.

The genetically created satyr serial killer promptly beheaded her much to the relief, delight and applause of the ghosts of Oscar Wilde, Friedrich Nietzsche, Yves Saint Laurent and the still living (but almost died when he saw the colour blind hideous fashion ensemble wearing ugly looking stoat monstrosity) Karl Lagerfeld.

Later a walrus looking fat ugly blimp got off the bus in front of Pan Goatee’s house so he beheaded that creature from Hell as well.

. . .

The two chief scientists in charge of Product Development at Apple (both of whom were appointed after the death of Steve Jobs) twin brothers Dr. Shitticus Constipationio and Dr. Shitticus Diarrheaosis (both men’s family surnames were their first names) were up shit creek.

The CEO of the company Tim Cook had died after eating a poisoned apple pie given to him by British MP Renfield R. Renfield.

The gay Apple CEO had a passionate crush on the British MP who was someday expected to become Prime Minister of Britain and the Sir Winston Churchill of the 21st Century so gladly accepted the apple pie from him.

Chinese government operative Ho Babylon Minh (the granddaughter of Vietnamese President Ho Chi Minh) knew of Cook’s crush on Renfield R. Renfield and thus after putting the Dr. Cadbury Rocher designed Snow White Red Rose Black Death apples in a pie got Renfield to deliver them.

Cook’s homicide was revenge on the part of the Beijing government for the U.S. government ordered Justin Trudeau cannabis Canadian complicit arrest of Huawei CFO Meng Wanzhou at Vancouver International Airport.

Renfield agreed because he didn’t like the idea of a very attractive Asian Dragon sister like Meng Wanzhou having been put in a Vancouver jail when there were so many obnoxious ugly white women walking the streets of Calgary, Alberta, Canada and nobody was doing a damned thing about it with the exception of genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee.

Now Cook was dead and put on ice (in hopes there would be somebody who could bring him back from the dead).

In the meantime a humanoid looking robot who resembled Cook was putting in public appearances so that no one would know Cook had died.

The embarrasing part was the Tim Cook looking humanoid robot had been built and designed by Samsung (Apple’s South Korean competitor) since after Steve Jobs’ death, Apple had become incapable of building a good product.

And they the Shitticus Brothers were to blame.

. . .

Back in 855 AD, a Kabbalistic Gnostic Apostolate operating covertly in the Catholic Church had finally succeeded in putting a woman (a witch) on the papal throne as Pope John VIII.

The woman became known to history as Pope Joan.

Joannes Anglicus (her Latin name as Pope) had disguised herself as a man.

Her womanhood was revealed in 857 AD when she gave birth in the midst of a papal procession.

Now the vampiress Allatallahbel (the Vampiress Priestess of Baal) was hoping to openly be elected Pope when Francis either kicked the bucket or resigned.


The Vampiress Allatallahbel (the Vampiress Priestess of Baal) plans to become the next Pope.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday December 27th
2018.

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Reblog of T-Rex Find: A Poem

November 4, 2018 at 11:46 pm (Comedy, Entertainment, Humour, Poetry) (, , )

A poem about a T-Rex (Tyrannosaurus Rex) I wrote 4 years ago:

Dracul Van Helsing

T-Rex Find: A Poem

It was the most unusual dinosaur bone
a T-Rex with an iPhone
the whimsical carnivore
not wishing to appear a bore
had taken a selfie
like Uncle Alfie
he backed up without looking behind
silly creature with silly mind
and while doing his monologue of schtick and corn
backed right into a triceratops horn
that’s why this T-Rex became extinct before you were born.

-A humourous narrative poem
written by Christopher
Saturday November 1st
2014.

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Wilkie The Cat As Count Dracula: A Halloween Theatrical Poem

October 29, 2018 at 10:43 pm (Arts, Culture, Entertainment, Humour, Literature, Poetry, Satire, theatre, Theatre Arts) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Narrator:

Gather around, all ye folks,
If you’re Canadian, watch your tokes,
In this theatre, pot is for peeing and not for smokes.
Our story begins here on Broadway
where Donald Trump sought starlets to lay
before Vladimir Putin turned him gay

Oprah Winfrey (as a transgendered Othello) :

Oh where, oh where is Desdemona?
I lie here in bed making many a moana
but I hear no Desdemona a groana.

Narrator:

Ms. Winfrey, you’re in the wrong theatre
this is what happens when you drink too much beera
The LGBTQ production of Othello is next door
please watch those Jesuit condoms on the floor
as from this theatre to that, you kindly pass
while Pope Francis’ order celebrates a Baphomet Mass

Oprah:

Oh damn, oh damn,
so much for a grand slam,
Roseanne Barr plays a transgendered Iago
while Donald Trump calls Robert Mueller a fago.

Narrator:

And now Oprah is moving her ass
as from this theatre to that, she kindly does pass
And now we shall begin our own theatrical tale
as Greenpeace activist encounters a methane gas producing carbon emissions whale
caused by Jefferey the otter’s cooked extra spicy pork and beans tipping the scale

And the good ship Demeter crashes
as Mina Harker bats her eyelashes
for the methane gas producing whale has sunk the ship
while Greenpeace activist takes a Justin Trudeau inspired trip
And Count Dracula (played by Wilkie the Cat) swims ashore
while his coffin is carried by a yarmulke wearing rabbi wild boar
it’s a good thing the boar is no porcine Hannibal Lecter
otherwise his culinary tastes would violate the Mosaic laws inspector

I forgot to mention that Mitzi la feline actress Parisienne plays Mina Harker
as Dr. Jack Seward’s asylum patient Renfield eats Peter Parker
Spiderman is now gone
a marvel of a swan song
Lackey of Christopher Lee has triumphed over a Lee named Stan
as Antifa takes a statue of Robert E. into the can

The Confederate military hero
is to the political left a great big zero
even though he freed his own slaves long before did Ulysses S. Grant
but this is all ignored in a New York Times rant

Dracula swims ashore near Whitby Abbey
where Canterbury’s ex-ArchDruid Rowan Williams looks crabby
he should have had the lobster flambe instead of crabs a l’amour
given him while dallying with a young French paramour

And Jonathan Harker (played by Kelsey Grammer) watches in horror
as Dracula seduces his sweet love Lenore
oops! – wrong script! – Poe’s The Raven is the performance for tomorrow night
as this Wilkie production of Dracula shuts down this theatre’s marquee light

As Dr. Abraham Van Helsing played by David Hyde Pierce
moves in to collect Dracula’s Transylvanian government tax arrears
he stabs the vampiric nobleman through the heart
as the carbon emissions whale in the sea lets out one last fart.
Both Greenpeace activist and Count Dracula are now dead
The janitor will have to wipe the spot where Wilkie has bled
for a real stake was mistakenly used instead of a prop
the hazards of hiring for a prop hand a drunken sop.

-A Wilkie The Cat poem
written by Christopher
Saturday October 27th
2018.


Desdemona’s Death Scene by Dante Gabriel Rosetti
A scene from a 19th Century British production of William Shakespeare’s Othello
very different from an early 21st Century American production of Othello

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The Donald T-Rump Song

October 24, 2018 at 9:44 pm (Arts, Celebrities, Comedy, Geopolitics and International Relations, Humour, International Intrigue, Music, News, Poetry, Politics, Satire, Songs) (, , , , , , , , , )

Oh, let us drink a drink, a drink
to Donald T-Rump, T-Rump
the saviour of the human race
or so he thought in his head
for which a poor red spider monkey bled

Now Donald T-Rump thought he was Julius Caesar
because he was just that type of senile geezer
but he forgot his Roman history
it’s certainly no mystery
Julius was assassinated
dying very constipated
and Augustus took over
like a four leaf clover
while Jared Kushner returns home from Dover
to take the reigns of power
for it is the False Messianic hour.

-A song written
by Christopher
Friday October 19th
2018
to the tune of
The Irish Rovers song
Lily The Pink

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The Vampire From Killarney: A Humourous Halloween Poem

October 20, 2018 at 11:33 pm (Comedy, Culture, Folklore, Gothic, Gothic poem, Gothic romance, Humour, Poetry, Romance, The Occult, The Supernatural) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

‘Tis time for a tale of Gothic blarney
about a vampire from Killarney
his name was Freddy O’ Barney
and he worked as a night time circus carney

He went from Ireland to England’s London town
hoping to turn the city upside down
Count Fred heard the streets there were paved with gold
That Donald Trump had shit bricks there by the truckload
But it was all old wives’ tales
like women seduced by the Prince of Wales

Count Fred (for he was no Dracula) walked into a bar
his vampire bat wings home floating in a jar
he saw a beautiful young woman wearing a red dress
her nubile young body he hoped to caress
and her debonair mind he hoped to impress

Count Fred walked up to her and said, “Top of the morning to you”
and she replied, “But it’s late evening just like the colour of my pantyhose is midnight blue”
The blarney count said, “But it’s morning to me” and at her nylons’ description, he came to,
to get under her dress, he must see this through

He tipped his hat and took a bow
for the midnight hour was definitely now
“My name by birth is Freddy O’ Barney
and I’m the long lost Count of Killarney”
said she, “My woman’s intuition tells me you’re full of blarney”
” Tis true,” said some drunk at the bar, “he’s a circus carney”

Fred grabbed his shillelagh and gave him a whack
and the drunk hit the floor like a fallen potato sack

Fred sat down next to the girl,
gave his pocket handkerchief a twirl
and in a lilting nocturnal like voice said,
with the rhythm of one seductively Undead,
“Can I buy you a drink, my lady so fair?”
Hoping to get into her underwear.

She flicked back her hair and said, “Sure why not?”
For she thought another drink would sure hit the spot.

Said he in Irish brogue
like a highwayman rogue,
“What can I get you, my dear?
Cocktail, gin, whiskey, or beer?”.

Smiling she licked her lips, “I’ll have a Vermouth”
for she had a sweet tooth
She bared her fangs
and played with her curly bangs

“Shit,” Count Fred thought to himself
like the lone forgotten book on the shelf,
he had selected a vampiress for his prey
on this night, he’d get no blood though he might get a lay

Fred O’ Barney ordered for himself from the bartender a soft drink popular North American root beer brand
The Fountainhead for his midnight snack hopes dashed and so he shrugged like an atlas of writer Ayn Rand

The bartender brought the vermouth and the root beer
as moonlight shone through the window so crystal clear
and so it happened on this dark sky but moonlit night
of dashed expectations and no feminine fright
that he put the root beer to his mouth
while down her low-cut dress he looked further south.
From his vampiric mouth he sprayed
dashing even his hopes of getting laid
for thus it did turn out on this star-crossed night
that his Barq was far worse than his bite.

Note: Barq is the name of a popular North American soft drink root beer brand.

-A humourous Gothic Halloween
vampire poem
written by Christopher
Saturday October 20th
2018.

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Wilkie The Cat Performs Nat King Cole: A Poem

October 19, 2018 at 8:59 pm (Comedy, Culture, Geopolitics and International Relations, Humour, International Intrigue, Musicals, News, Poetry, Politics, Satire, theatre, Theatre Arts) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Wilkie The Cat
had a lovers’ spat
His girlfriend Mitzi
was raging spitzy

She had broken her parasol
saving Wilkie from a very deep hole
by red hot pokering a Saudi librarian mole
Trump defended the Saudi librarian assassin
and took to Twitter tweety bashin’

Saudi Arabia had threatened to fly planes into Canadian Toronto’s CN Tower
while Mohammad bin Salman like Putin gave Trump a golden shower
No wonder the Donald’s hairpiece was a sickening gold yellow toupee
for Putin and the Saudi Crown Prince performed like it was a rainy day
Mid-term elections were soon on the way
Was Robert Mueller making hay?
Democrats wondered
as Lizzie Warren blundered

The New York Times defended the Senator’s DNA test
because of brains and intelligence, The Times had not been blessed
It took one to hate one was that old adage
which is why Trump and The Times exchanged nasty tweets and cabbage

But fortunately for Wilkie’s relationship, he got a good gig
and an assignment that his girl Mitzi should really dig
He and she were invited to perform at a political party function
and did not have to play the part of Beverly Hillbillies at Petticoat Junction

It was at the Lincoln Performing Arts Centre
and Wilkie promised Mitzi he wouldn’t go on a bender

Mitzi dressed as Elizabeth Warren took to the stage
while politicos gazed at her like lions released from a cage
Mitzi began to sing,

Cherokee people,
Cherokee tribe,
so proud to live
so proud to die

and maybe someday when we’ve learned,
Cherokee Nation will return, will return

Wilkie The Cat came on stage dressed like Nat King Cole,
he really relished getting into this role
He pointed at Mitzi as Warren and began to sing,
“Oh yes, she’s the great pretender…”
after the show, Wilkie went on a bender.

For he got the attending crowd wrong
turning this into his Lincoln Center swan song
He thought he was performing to Republicans but alas! they were Democrats
and now Wilkie and Mitzi were once again unemployed performing arts cats.

-A Wilkie The Cat poem
written by Christopher
Friday October 19th
2018.

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