Haiku About John Dillinger’s Car

July 1, 2021 at 10:49 pm (History, Humour, Poetry) ()

John Dillinger’s car
riddled with cops’ bullets for
expired meter

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An Evening With The Carstairs

June 5, 2021 at 10:32 pm (Humour, Short Story) ()

“Well I suppose this would be an inopportune moment for me to ask the boss for a raise seeing as how you just shot him.”

So said Basil Carstairs to his wife Anne Carstairs.

“I couldn’t help myself,” Anne remarked as she held the gun in her hand, “He was the twenty-first person to come to dinner this year and not ask for a second piece of my apple truffle cake for dessert.”

“It’s a good thing for me I’m allergic to apples,” Basil commented.

“What are we going to do?” Anne asked.

“Well maybe that carpet you’re alway asking me to get rid of,” Basil thought aloud, “I could wrap his body up in the carpet and drive it to the dumpster in front of Nick Diamond’s Discount Carpet Warehouse and throw it in there.”

“An excellent idea,” Anne nodded.

It was a good thing that Basil had recently taken up weightlifting as a body inside a carpet was quite a heavy thing to carry.

When he returned from the avenue on which was located the dumpster in front of Nick Diamond’s Discount Carpet Warehouse, Anne was debating what she should do with the gun.

“Maybe throw it out the window,” Basil suggested.

Just then there was a banging at the apartment door.

“Police,” a voice called from outside the door, “Neighbours said they heard a gunshot coming from this room.”

“Now what?” Anne asked.

“Quick,” Basil went to answer the door, “Throw the gun inside the toaster.”

“The toaster?” Anne was incredulous.

“Yes,” Basil nodded.

Anne threw the gun inside the toaster just as Basil opened the door.

“Good evening, officers,” Basil bowed, “Neighbours are complaining about a gunshot you say.”

“That is correct,” the policeman nodded.

“It must be the wine I opened earlier this evening,” Basil pointed to the bottle in the ice container holder, “The cork gave quite a pop when it was uncorked. Sounded like a gunshot.”

At that moment the toaster popped up.

“Good heavens,” Anne rushed over to the toaster, “This toast has been burnt black. I better throw it down the garburator.”

Anne threw the “burnt toast” down the garburator.

“Do you mind if we take a look around?” Asked one of the officers.

“Be my guest,” Basil nodded.

After twenty minutes of perusing the apartment, “Nothing out of the ordinary here. Except… was there a carpet recently here?”.

“Yes, I spilled wine on it earlier this evening,” Basil explained, “My wife has such a thing about cleanliness, I got rid of it right away. Put it in the dumpster behind the apartment building. Probably still there now unless it was stolen by one of the neighbourhood gangs who figure they could probably still use it for something.”

“We’ll check that later,” said one of the officers.

“Would you gentlemen like to have coffee and a piece of my apple truffle cake?” Anne asked.

“Why not?” Said the senior officer.

Later after the officers had several cups of coffee to wash down their apple truffle cake, Anne asked, “Would you all like a second piece of my apple truffle cake?”

“No, gotta go,” said the senior officer.

“Me too,” said another.

“Me as well,” said a third and the fourth barked the same.

There was a mad rush to the door by all the policemen who quickly exited.

“Well, that got rid of them,” Basil noted.

A loud gurgling could be heard coming from the garburator.

-A short story written by Christopher
Saturday June 5th 2021.

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Jack O’ Hare: A Day Well Spent

May 30, 2021 at 10:30 pm (Humour, Poetry) (, , , )

He was the famous bunny called Jack O’ Hare
He saw the day was clear, sunny and quite fair
So he hopped here, he hopped there
He hopped around everywhere.

He hopped to the cabbage patch
Left there without a scratch
Even though the guard dog leapt into action
Jack fled in time by just a fraction.

He went to the carrot garden
And shrugged, “I beg your pardon?”
When he was chased away by Mrs. Jones
Who stopped to take Selfies on her cell phones.

He then went to the valley of green peas
And avoided some giant on his knees
He ate to his heart’s content
And thought this day heaven sent.

-A Jack O’ Hare poem
written by Christopher
Sunday May 30th
2021.

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Kraken Cravin’ Bacon

April 18, 2021 at 10:38 pm (Comedy, Entertainment, Humour, Poetry) (, , , , , , )

There once was a kraken
Who had a cravin’ for bacon
He crawled on to shore
While temperatures did soar
And ended up on the beach- a bakin’

-A limerick written by Christopher
Sunday April 18th 2021

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Michelangelo’s Dream of Bogey and Bacall

March 27, 2021 at 10:34 pm (Detective story, Entertainment, Film, History, Humour, Poetry, Romance, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster had a dream where he was playing Humphrey Bogart’s character of Philip Marlowe and having an encounter with Lauren Bacall.

After waking up, he decided to write a narrative poem about his dream.

He went over to his waterproof laptop to start writing but then decided to use his recently bought old vintage Underwood typewriter that had been custom refurbished to work underwater.

Grabbing some waterproof sheets of paper, he inserted them into his waterproof old vintage Underwood typewriter and started typing the poem.

Bogey and Bacall: Philip Marlowe’s Right On The Ball
A narrative poem
By Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster
Narrated in the First Person
By Philip Marlowe
(As played by Humphrey Bogart)

So I had come home after a hard day on the case
Rather difficult to try to sleep on a case of bourbon
I did do some work on that other case
Trying to find Max Spellbein’s younger daughter
Where do younger daughters hang out these days anyways?

I went down to Frankie’s Jazz Cafe
The Pink Flamingo Lounge
And even The Silverstar Nightclub
Nothing.
No sign of her.

I even went down to the bus depot and the shipyard
Her ship must have sailed when my bus came in
Does that make any sense?
Probably not.
Difficult to make sense
When one’s mind is adrift
In a sea of bourbon.

I lit a cigarette
Put it in my mouth
And made a silent prayer
That this combination of alcohol and flame
Didn’t send me up like a rocket on New Year’s Eve.

I thought I heard piano music coming from my piano
Which was strange
I rarely play the piano these days
Not since I got my fingers caught in that mousetrap
Under the altar of Saint Ignatius’ Church
When I said to the good priest,
“Pray it again, Sam.”

After sitting in my chair
Looking up at the ceiling
And watching the paint dry
It suddenly hit me
That I hadn’t painted this place in ages
So there was no drying paint to watch

That was definitely music I was hearing
So either someone was playing the piano
Or the angels were calling me

So I walked into the piano room
And there at the piano
Sat Max Spellbein’s elder daughter

Lauren Bacall: Playing the piano and singing, “When smoke gets in your eyes…”

I stood there
Inhaled the air from the open window
And realized I wouldn’t be spending the night alone.

-A narrative poem
and vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday March 27th
2021.

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Sherrielock Holmes and Mr. Truffles

March 20, 2021 at 10:06 pm (Comedy, Entertainment, Geopolitics and International Relations, Humour, International Intrigue, News, Poetry, Vampire novel) (, , , )

Sherrielock Holmes and Mr. Truffles

It was the very first day of spring
Outside her Baker Street apartment
The birds did sing

In front of her bookshelf Sherrielock Holmes did perch
An hour after applying to Boris Johnson’s behind
A firm use of the birch

She was sitting next to Mr. Truffles
Who looked very dapper today
And not a walking ad for Ruffles

They would soon walk out into the London street
She the epitome of grace upon her feet
And the orange tabby looking very neat

A sneak preview of an Easter parade
Had not Euro governments given that feast
A failing grade

Easter was not in the best laid plans
Of genetic splice and men
Bill Gates wanted people in the lions’ den

Nero at the Colosseum may have played the fiddle
Nancy Pelosi’s bladder leaks pad underestimated her piddle
But for Soros, Gates and Xi- they gave not a diddle

So much of humanity had to go
At the dawn of this Malthusian eugenics show
The Great Reset must go with the flow

But Sherrielock Holmes and Mr. Truffles
Plan to beat zombie nosferatu overlords at their game
Giving this unique duo in history everlasting fame.

-A poem and vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday March 20th
2021.

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Doctors Frasier and Niles Crane Meet The Brides of Dracula

March 13, 2021 at 10:53 pm (Arts, Celebrities, Comedy, Culture, Entertainment, Gothic romance, Humour, Television, TV Shows, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster had been binge watching episodes of the old TV series Frasier.

He then binge watched a Dracula movie marathon.

When that was over, he set his water proof alarm clock moving the time an hour ahead as tomorrow would be the start of Daylight Savings Time.

He then lay back on his water proof pillow and fell asleep.

He had a dream whereby Doctors Frasier and Niles Crane met the Brides of Dracula.

Niles: This is all your fault, Frasier. I don’t really relish the idea of walking around a spooky Transylvanian castle. It doesn’t really cut the mustard in my opinion. Hot doggetty!

Frasier: Niles, I wish you’d stop using those weird euphemisms uttered by that pot smoking hot dog salesman doing those late night infomercials advertising American cuisine recipes you can do in hot tubs. And why is it my fault? You were the one who insisted on giving two rather large glasses of sherry to my BMW’s GPS before we set out on this road trip.

Niles: Yes, well if you had stopped to ask for directions from that transgendered transvestite in the baked potato costume in Boisie, Idaho, we might not be in this mess.

Frasier: No, we might be in a bigger mess.

Niles: What could possibly be a bigger mess than a spooky Transylvanian castle?

Frasier: How about social distancing from a perfect 10 fashion model during a pandemic?

Niles: Frasier, I refuse to believe you dated a perfect 10 fashion model.

Frasier: So does everybody else.

Niles (pointing to a door): Where do you suppose this leads?

Frasier: Oh, I don’t know, Niles. Why don’t you open it and see how many other headwaiters with Hungarian accents lying in coffins we can come across? I haven’t donated so much blood since that multiple radio station personality blood donor challenge in Seattle way back in the day.

Niles (opening door and looking in): It’s the Brides of Dracula.

Frasier (looking in): My God, you’re right, Niles.

Niles: Frasier, I haven’t had so many erotic images and fantasies going through my mind since I first read that scene with the brides of Dracula in Bram Stoker’s novel Dracula as a sophomore back in prep school.

Frasier: That wouldn’t have been the night before the headmaster ordered that major steamcleaning of your mattress?

Niles: Frasier, I wish you hadn’t brought that up.

Frasier: Your mattress probably wished the same thing at the time as well.

Brides of Dracula (calling out): Niles, Frasier!

Niles (rushing in): I regret that I have but one life to give for my fantasy.

Frasier: Niles, quit being such a ham!

(Frasier rushes in)

Frasier: Be a blood sausage like me.

Voice of Count Dracula (singing in the background): I don’t know what to do with that tossed salad and scrambled eggs. They’re calling again.

Voice of Announcer: Good night, Transylvania.

The End.

-A Frasier Meets Brides of Dracula Episode
and vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday March 13th
2021.

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Purr-lock Holmes The Purr-fect Detective

February 7, 2021 at 11:14 pm (Detective story, Entertainment, Humour, Poetry) (, )

Purr-lock Holmes the Purr-fect Detective

He was Purr-lock Holmes the purr-fect detective
His reasoning was definitely not defective
With a meow here and a meow there
His magnifying glass looked everywhere
He was hot on the trail
With a flash of his tail
Les-trod of Barnyard Yard could not keep up
And he was often left holding the cup

Doctor Barksome was a cocker spaniel
Whose name wasn’t mentioned in the Book of Daniel
He was Purr-lock’s chronicler and sidekick
Who often gave his paw a lick

And Purr-lock’s most frightening case
Whose tale when told gives one’s heart a race
Was the Hound of the Basket-villes
Whose mere mention gave one the chills
And made one forget to take Dodd’s Kidney Pills

The Hound of the Basket-villes terrorized the countryside
And Inspector Les-trod wasn’t taking it in stride
Purr-lock Holmes was called in on the case
Thus with trusty pipe in place
Firmly in mouth on his face
Purr-lock set out on the trail
Travelling by train on the rail

He arrived near the manor of Basket-ville Hall
Where it seemed that his fur was starting to crawl
So Purr-lock set out on the trail of Hugo Basket-ville
And what he saw hence gave him quite the thrill
For there was Hugo with his mistress so fine
That it made one want to stop and dine

For Hugo’s mistress was Marilyn most fair
When you’ve got her, why chase a hare?
For Hugo was looking for fair flowers to pick
And didn’t know his barking would break the candlestick
Causing rumours to surface of a hound of Old Nick

So the case was solved and the hound was no ghost
And Les-trod’s career was now nothing but toast
Purr-lock and Barksome returned to London
And Hugo was left having nothing but fun-some

-A poem written by Christopher
Sunday February 7th 2021.

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A Thanksgiving Tale of Two Turkeys

November 26, 2020 at 11:37 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, Humour, Life, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

“It’s a known historical fact that those who call for unity are generally the same people who are standing on the wrong side of any given issue.”
-Renfield R. Renfield MP

“I call on all Americans to put aside their differences and come together in unity,” Joe Biden blathered in his Thanksgiving Day message before then urging Americans to celebrate Thanksgiving by NOT celebrating it.


The good old days when turkeys were either beheaded, pardoned, eaten, or taken for a walk by a beautiful woman and not declared President-elect of the United States of America by the AP Associated Press to which the Western world mainstream Marxist media will assent and various idiotic world leaders including the Instagram bikini girl liking gay wilting flower “Pope” Francis will offer congratulations by phone.

-A Thanksgiving Day observation
written by Christopher
Thursday, November 26th
2020.

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Reblog of The Wild Lindsay Lohan Girl

October 27, 2020 at 10:54 pm (Entertainment, Folklore, Humour, Poetry, Satire, Songs) (, , , , )

This was a poem I wrote 13 years ago way back in July 2007 when actress Lindsay Lohan and her shenanigans were big in the news. Written to the tune of the Irish folk song about colonial Australia entitled The Wild Colonial Boy.

Dracul Van Helsing

 The Wild Lindsay Lohan Girl


The Wild Lindsay Lohan Girl
A song written by Christopher
aka Dracul Van Helsing
July 25th, 2007
to the tune of the old Irish song
The Wild Colonial Boy

There was a wild Lindsay Lohan girl, Lindsay Lohan was her name
when it came to finding cocaine, she claimed she’d been framed
She was not doing dope, her car just went for a twirl
and dearly did the tabloids love the Wild Lindsay Lohan girl.

At the early age of sixteen years, she had more than a thousand beers
and to California traffic laws, she gave several bronx cheers
She went up on the sidewalk running over Patrolman Merle
a terror to the highways was the Wild Lindsay Lohan girl.

One fine evening as Lindsay rode along
she threw out the window her very thin thong
Three mounted troopers charged her down
this drunken airheaded clown

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