Sophia Watches Yaldabaoth’s Attempted Coup Against Mussolini

September 20, 2020 at 10:51 pm (Comedy, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, Humour, International Intrigue, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )


Sophia the Greco-Egyptian Gnostic goddess of wisdom heading towards Il Duce’s residence in Rome where her son Yaldabaoth the Irish leprechaun was trying to stage a coup d’etat against Mussolini

The year was 1940.

The month was September.

And Yaldabaoth the Irish leprechaun was in Winston Churchill’s underground bunker in London.

Churchill tried to be an amiable host but he was becoming quite alarmed at the amount of his good brandy that the Irish leprechaun was drinking.

“So Michael Collins told you to look me up whenver you were in London?” Churchill offered Yaldabaoth a cigar in hopes that would momentarily stop his fast moving consumption of brandy for a while as the wee leprechaun smoked it.

Michael Collins had been the first Prime Minister of the Irish Free State and he had been assassinated by anti Anglo-Irish Treaty forces on August 22nd 1922.

During the summer of 1921, Michael Collins had gone to London to negotiate a peace treaty ending the Anglo-Irish War.

His British counterpart in the negotiations had been Winston Churchill.

Collins said to Churchill, “I’ve got a complaint. Your British Army once put a price on my head. £1000 for my capture- dead or alive.”

Churchill feigned mock outrage, “You’ve got a complaint? You’ve got a complaint? Let me show you something to complain about.”

Churchill went and got the old Boer War Wanted poster offering anyone £25 for the capture of Winston Churchill Dead Or Alive.

He showed it to Collins.

Said Churchill, “Now there’s something to complain about. I was only worth £25 while you were worth a 1000.”

Collins had to laugh.

After that exchange, the two men became close friends and negotiated a peace treaty.

The treaty was signed on December 6th 1921.

When Yaldabaoth had finished his cigar after Churchill had recounted his meeting with Michael Collins, the leprechaun reached to pour himself another glass of brandy.

Churchill looked glum and said, “I’m ticked.”

Yaldbaoth quickly withdrew his hand from the bottle.

“Why is that?” The leprechaun asked.

“British Intelligence informs me that Mussolini intends to invade Greece in the very near future,” Churchill poured himself another brandy, “There seems to be no end to that bloodthirsty guttersnipe Hitler and his Italian jackal Mussolini spreading their filth all over the soil of Europe.”

Yaldabaoth apologized for his leprechaunish intrusion and left.

He summoned his pet pterodactyl (the leprechaun had no idea where this pterodactyl came from and didn’t bother to ask) and flew to Rome.

He would overthrow Mussolini in a coup d’etat thnking that this would make Churchill happy.

Yaldabaoth retreated to an Italian taverna where he ordered and drank 999 bottles of Italian red wine.

Feeling sufficiently buoyant as a result of all that wine imbibing, Yaldabaoth then went to Il Duce’s palatial residence, crawled up to the top balcony and then gave a speech in which he asked the populace of Italy to rise up and overthrow Mussolini.

Needless to say, the little leprechaun’s speech created a lot of commotion in the Italian capital.

Word of the booze happy little leprechaun’s coup attempt reached the ears of his mother Sophia the Greco-Egyptian Gnostic goddess of wisdom who was currently living in Rome.


Sophia marched herself down to Il Duce’s residence while being followed by a crowd of happy onlookers.

Sophia wanted to get up to the upper balcony of Il Duce’s residence.

A huge group of male volunteers grabbed a ladder and held it as she crawled up to the upper balcony.

The male ladder holders gazed up totally spellbound as Sophia went up the ladder.

Papal excommunications for publicly masturbating on the spot were widespread that day.

Sophia wagged her finger admonishingly at Yaldabaoth, “Yaldabaoth, put an end to this nonsense. You just don’t have the resources to overthrow Il Duce Benito Mussolini.”

“But,” Yaldabaoth protested, “I drank 999 bottles of red wine in the Contento Bacchus Taverna to say nothing of the multitudinous glasses of brandy I had at Churchill’s London bunker which caused the British Prime Minister to declare another wartime emergency upon my leaving. That should be more than enough resources to topple Mussolini.”

“Yaldabaoth,” Sophia warned, “I know you’re almost 2000 years old but that doesn’t mean you’re still too old to spank.”

Yaldaboth continued with his speech.

Whereupon Sophia took Yaldabaoth over her knee and spanked him.

As Sophia went down the ladder carrying the errant leprechaun and his glowing rosy red bottom, a group of male ladder holders at the bottom of the ladder started shouting, “Now spank me”, “Me too” and “Me as well, please”.

At the Potsdam Conference in 1945, a constipated and dour looking Soviet dictator Josef Stalin demanded that the wee Irish leprechaun’s coup attempt against Mussolini be erased from the history books.

And so it was.

Until 80 years to the day later, it is now being told for the first time.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday September 20th
2020.

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Wilkie The Cat Western

September 11, 2020 at 10:54 pm (Comedy, Entertainment, Humour, Poetry, western) (, , , , , , , )

Announcer: The ghost of Orson Welles is now here to give you the introduction to the Wilkie the Cat western.

Welles (appears holding a spectral glass of red wine): Thank you Mr. Announcer. Wilkie the cat is a well known feline thespian and stage director best known for holding the record for the most number of plays
that closed after a perfomance of only one night on Broadway.
Now with the advent of the Chinese Communist Party Wuhan virus which the Ethiopian Communist head of the World Health Organization the non-medical Doctor Dr. Tedros Adhanom Ghebreyesus insists be called the Covid-19 virus, the lights are shut down all over Broadway and not just on Wilkie’s lights out plays.
Thus Wilkie with the love of his life Mitzie (a femme fatale Parisienne cat from Paris) has decided to go into filmmaking. And Wilkie is now making a Western where social distancing will be practiced.
The western now begins in the form of a poem:

Wilkie the Cat was out on the desert trail riding his horse
In a land where there was no Radio Shack or store called The Source
He came to a sign
posted on a cactus’ behind
that said Town Straight Ahead
He rode by a cowboy who looked to be dead
for his skull and his bones were all bleached white
and the fat vulture’s jeans seem to be fitting quite tight

Into the town Wilkie the Cat rode
And parked his horse alongside a fine looking toad
He decided to enter the saloon for a cold one
And entered looking like a son of a gun

The cat Dangerous Dan McGraw was up at the bar
Counting all his pennies from an old glass jar
Meanwhile on the saloon stage was Mitzie the star
singing about her home town of Paris a city quite far

Wilkie the Cat ordered a large glass of milk
And gazed at Mitzie’s legs in nylons of silk
Hey, Dangerous Dan shouted with a threatening glare
Stop looking at my girlfriend’s underwear

Mitzie turned and looked at the handsome catwhiskers stranger
And thought Wilkie must be one heck of a lost Texas ranger
She gave him a wink
which added to the stink
in Dangerous Dan’s countenance most foul
which seemed to be accentuated by the hooting of an owl

Step up in the street for a showdown
Dangerous Dan shouted with a huge downward frown
Wilkie said, I’ll be back after dealing with this clown

Into the street they went
With their holsters quite bent
And they stood face to face
After having walked many a pace

“Draw!” Cried the town crier
As he blew himself with a hair dryer
Pencil and sketch paper came out of opposing holsters
And each hand moved quickly like fast acting roller coasters

Dangerous Dan drew a stick man with a trash can
While Mitzie was on saloon steps fanning herself with a fan
Wilkie drew the Mona Lisa kicking Edvard Munch’s figure making him scream
While Dangerous Dan’s stick man came apart at the seam

My hero! Mitzie the Parisienne gave Wilkie the Cat a kiss
As Dangerous Dan retreated to an outhouse in search of bliss

Wlkie’s sketch was hung in the Wild West Saloon
The subject of an unrecorded Kenny Rogers tune
Wilkie The Cat and Mitzie rode off into the sunset
While the overweight vulture looked for new clothes to let.

-A Wilkie The Cat
narrative poem
written by Christopher
Friday September 11th
2020.

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If Orson Welles Had Lived His Life As A Black Cat…

September 3, 2020 at 10:28 pm (Comedy, Entertainment, Film, Humour, Literature, Poetry) (, , , , , , )

If Orson Welles had lived his life as a black cat:

How Orson As A Black Cat Would Have Performed A Shakespearian Soliquy From MacBeth:

Is this a can of tuna fish I see before me?
Come let me clutch thee.
I have thee not and yet I see thee still
In form as palpable as this which now I draw…

Orson as the Black Cat produces a sketch of Vincent Van Gogh minus an ear.

How Orson As A Black Cat Would Have Done Citizen Kane:

Now is the winter of our discontent
For young master’s sled is gravely bent
And do you think when it hit the kitty litter
Which caused everyone’s nose to flitter
And caused me to say, aye there’s the rub
It would come up smelling like a rosebud?

How Orson As A Black Cat Would Have Recited Poe’s The Raven:

Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore-
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of someone gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door,
“Tis the pizza delivery those silly humans have ordered,”
Quoth I, “only this and nothing more.”

How Orson As A Black Cat Would Have Recited His Lines In
Tennessee Williams’ Cat On A Hot Tin Roof:

Orson as Black Cat (playing the cat ON the hot tin roof):

Me-Owww! Me-Owww! Me-Owww!


If Orson Welles had lived his life as a black cat

-written by Christopher
Thursday September 3rd
2020

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Toad of Toad Hall: Flirting In The Edwardian Age

July 7, 2020 at 10:33 pm (Humour, Literature, Poetry) (, , )

Toad of Toad Hall thought he had it all
even though his Rolls-Royce lost a duel with brick wall
He thought he’d venture forth to London for a few days
As cows ate his flower show flowers during their mid-morning graze

So he would not win this year’s flower show’s top prize
but it would spare the judges allergic tear swelling eyes
With his Rolls-Royce back from the blacksmith looking good as new
He invited Rat, Mole and Badger to join his city venturing crew

To London they went and stayed at a grand hotel
Just up from the palace in a district so swell
Rat, Mole and Badger went to visit city markets
While Toad set his eyes on more pleasing targets

He went backstage to a London theatre show
And entered an actress’ dressing room with his heart all aglow
He got thrown out in the lane with fake theatre stage snow
And left London claiming entry in Oxford’s Thames boat row.


Famous London stage actress Lily Elsie to the London Daily News:
“I did not have any sort of relations with that toad Toad of Toad Hall.”

-A poem written by Christopher
Tuesday July 7th 2020.

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Toad of Toad Hall: An Early July Evening’s Dream

July 5, 2020 at 10:40 pm (Humour, Literature, Poetry) (, , , , , )

Toad of Toad Hall was having a ball
but forgetting to send invitations to all
He spent the evening dancing by himself
And looking at all those bottles of booze on the shelf

“If I drank them all, I’d have quite the hangover
And wouldn’t be sober enough to spot a 4-leaf clover”
So Toad went upstairs and gazed at his portrait
“My God, you look resplendent, my mate”.

The portrait was painted by Amedeo Modigliani
And showed Toad smacking a maidservant on the fanny
He was warned not to show the portrait to suffragettes
Or he might lose some body parts not so repairable by vets.

Toad went downstairs and sat in his favourite chair
And thought to himself, “How green’s my underwear”
He got his valet to bring him some absinthe
because Toad of Toad Hall lacked common sense
And having partook much of the Green Fairy
He fell asleep because he felt so weary.

Toad dreamed he was smelling some blossoms of cherries
As he strode through woods in search of Titania Queen of Fairies
For Toad fancied he and Titania were lovers
As amphibian sighed happily under his covers

And there by soft yonder gleam of elegant moonlight
Toad of Toad Hall encountered a most frightful sight

Nick Bottom that most uneloquent jackass
Was making of Queen Titania his most bonnie lass

Toad’s poor heart was not made of stone
As he listened to Titania’s pleasurable moan
The amphibian’s tender heart did up and break
And imagined wedding nuptials would ‘stead become his wake

As he traversed through the woods in search of a poisoned gourd
He by chance stumbled upon the great Pyramis’ sword
He thrust the sword through his chest
Saying “Cruel fate! Give it a rest!”.

They buried Toad on the other side of the stream
As Rat, Badger and Mole wished it was but a dream
King Oberon heard their wish as he rode a moonbeam
and Toad awakened to the sound of tea kettle steam

-A poem written by Christopher
Sunday July 5th 2020
inspired by Kenneth Graham’s
The Wind In The Willows
and
William Shakespeare’s
A Midsummer Night’s Dream

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Toad of Toad Hall

July 2, 2020 at 10:34 pm (Humour, Literature, Poetry) (, , , , , )

Toad of Toad Hall
Motorbike came to a crawl
As petrol had leaked in bike stall

So Toad took his car keys out of a jar
And went for a spin in his motor car
But when he hit a tree, it gave his car a dent
But since he owned Toad Hall, he didn’t pay any rent

He took his motor boat for a ride down the river
With Dodds for his kidneys and gin for his liver
He passed Mole, Rat and Badger in a row boat
And not watching his way, he hit a castle moat
But lucky for him, his life jacket did float

-A poem written by Christopher
Tuesday July 2nd 2020
Inspired by the characters in
Kenneth Grahame’s
novel
The Wind In The Willows.

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Humour In A Time of Marxist Insurrection

June 12, 2020 at 10:41 pm (Commentary, Humour) (, )


“Yes, that’s Atlanta burning all right.
The Communists probably tore down General Sherman’s statue somewhere up north and then doing their best damn impersonation of him down here.”

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Marmalade Montague Encounters Dahud

May 16, 2020 at 10:50 pm (Comedy, Geopolitics and International Relations, Humour, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

Marmalade Montague Encounters Dahud

Dr. Marmalade Montague, the eccentric ex-baker who now fancied himself the Court Scientist To The Court of Louis Quatorze (a scientist whose name has never appeared once in the annals of history) and thought he had somehow time traveled to the year 2020, was hard at work this Saturday night in his small personal laboratory at Set Enterprises in Canary Wharf, London.

Marmalade Montague had become convinced that the reason he had been transported through time from the Sun King’s reign to this year of 2020 was to find a vaccine or antidote to the Covid-19 Coronavirus.

He had been hired by Set Enterprises’ chief scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher earlier this month.

Marmalade was oblivious to the fact that Dr. Cadbury Rocher had hired him not because of his supposed alchemy and transmutation of metals skills (which the self-declared “Doctor” Montague had boasted about) but because Dr. Cadbury Rocher had felt sorry for him- a baker who had lost his bakery due to lack of payment of rent due to his bakery being forced to shut down during the Paris lockdown.

Dr. Montague worked quite contentedly on his many recipes for developing an antidote to the Coronavirus.

One was a combination of thousand year old egg (considered a delicacy by members of the Chinese Communist Party Central Committee but by nobody else in the world who had even an ounce of sanity) and horse radish.

That combination was sent to some members of the EU negotiating committee (who were negotiating the UK’s withdrawal from the EU on behalf of the EU).

Later after job advertisements were posted for new negotiators for the EU negotiation team as well as funeral services being livestreamed for some recently departed EU members of that team, Dr. Montague deduced that the combination was not a success.

Dr. Montague decided to go for a walk with Set Enterprises’ panda bear named Genghis Yawn.

Dr. Cadbury Rocher had built a greenhouse at the Set Enterprises’ facility where the bamboo grown in it tasted as fresh and as good as those grown in China itself.

Being a Set Enterprises’ employee, Dr. Marmalade Montague had ID allowing him to walk the streets of London.

As did Set Enterprises’ security guard Gibson who accompanied Marmalade and the panda bear Genghis Yawn on the walk.

Gibson’s purpose was to roll the wheelbarrow full of bamboo leaves, stems and shoots down the street so that Genghis Yawn would have something to eat (for panda bears eat up to 90 lbs. of bamboo a day).

Of course Genghis Yawn didn’t really like to exercise while eating so Dr. Marmalade Montague didn’t get much of an evening walk.

First Genghis would sit down and eat his bamboo.

Then after eating all that bamboo, Genghis would then sleep.

So in fact, Dr. Montague didn’t get any walking done at all.

Genghis was wheeled home in the empty wheelbarrow (now empty of bamboo leaves, stems and shoots) as he slept.

Dr. Marmalade Montague went to his office (next to his lab) where he was starting to feel tired himself as watching Genghis Yawn sleep had made him feel sleepy.

As Dr. Marmalade Montague put his head back on his couch, a beautiful looking short skirted redhead entered through his office window.

“Bonjour, Monsieur. You are single, oui?” The redhead spoke with a French accent.

“Oui, I am, mademoiselle,” Dr. Montague smiled, “I am a widow. My wife was killed in a paratrooper parachuting accident in the Sahara Desert after she had joined the French Foreign Legion upon leaving me. Her last words to me as she went out the door of our apartment were, “I’d rather die than be married to you any longer.” I really didn’t expect her words to be so literal but that turned out to be the case.”

Dahud (for that was the sexy young looking French redhead’s name) pushed Dr. Marmalade Montague back onto the couch and started kissing him passionately on the lips.

At that moment London dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes the Chief of Security and Intelligence Gathering For Set Enterprises entered the room carrying a large Crucifix in her hands.

“Merde!” Dahud exclaimed as she got off the couch.

“Merde!” Dr. Marmalade Montague exclaimed as Dahud went out the office window.

“I came in the nick of time,” Sherrielock stated.

“I’ll have to disagree,” Marmalade Montague sighed, “Where did you get that Crucifix?”.

“It was leant to me by a friend,” Sherrielock explained, “It’s 70 years old and was personally blessed by Pope Pius XII.”

“Well,” Dr. Marmalade Montague remarked wistfully as he watched the short skirted and sexy pantyhose clad redhead mount a fire breathing black horse instead of mounting him the ex-baker turned Louis Quatorze court scientist, “It’s too bad it hadn’t been a Crucifix blessed by Pope Francis. It might not have been so effective.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday May 16th
2020.

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Renfield and The Ghosts of Uncle Ernie In Three Temporal Locations

May 15, 2020 at 10:57 pm (Fantasy, Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, Humour, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

Renfield and The Ghosts of Uncle Ernie In Three Temporal Locations

“To be a pirate king, to be a pirate king,
it is, it is a glorious thing to be a pirate king,
To steal the lordly ring, to steal the lordly ring,
it is, it is a glorious thing to steal the lordly ring, 
To be able to shower and sing, to be able to shower and sing 
it is, it is a glorious thing to be able to shower and sing …”

Renfield fell asleep after singing his song in an attempt at a home musical operetta podcast after having butchered the lyrics of the Gilbert and Sullivan operetta The Pirates of Penzance.

He was awakened by an apparition identifying itself as The Ghost of Uncle Ernie Past.

“I’ve never heard of you,” Renfield blinked, “What happened to Christmas Past?”.

“It’s long past,” Uncle Ernie explained, “We’re now approaching the middle of May. I’m here to show you the past.”

“My past?” Renfield asked.

“No, mine,” Uncle Ernie grabbed Renfield’s hand in violation of social distancing protocols and took him back to Australia in the mid-1980s to a living room.

“What is this place?” Renfield asked.

“I have no idea,” Uncle Ernie answered, “but the TV commercial for my kids’ birthday party balloon sculpture business is about to come on.”

The commercial shows a group of kids dancing around Uncle Ernie who’s wearing a clown costume.

Kids (singing): 
Uncle Ernie we love you, 
To us, you are a star,
Uncle Ernie we love you 
and what you keep in your candy jar.

“And was your business a success?” Renfield inquired.

“Sadly,” Uncle Ernie had tears in his eyes, “I wound up in jail right after this first commercial aired. The Sydney police decided to investigate just what it was I had in that candy jar. And while I was behind bars, what I had in that candy jar was passed around to a night time sitting of the Australian Senate. The Hansard minutes of that particular Senate session are still marked Confidential and Top Secret to this day for some reason.”

Renfield woke up and found himself in a pub in downtown Sydney.

“I’m the ghost of Uncle Ernie Present,” Uncle Ernie smiled as he downed another beer.

“Australia in May 2020?” Renfield looked around, “But aren’t there any lockdown measures in place?”.

“Not in joints owned by the inscrutable Mr. Inn Lu,” an elderly Asian gentleman dressed like Confucius bowed to them, “The authorities leave me alone. Here are the lap dancers you ordered, Ernie. Ming Ling and Ding Dong.”

Ding Dong sat on Renfield’s lap, “The last time I sat on your lap, Uncle Ernie, you didn’t have much of a dong to ding.”

“Well I never,” Uncle Ernie protested.

“That’s probably the truest thing you’ve ever said in your life, Uncle Ernie,” Ming Ling giggled.

After an hour of ecstatic bliss, Renfield was awakened by the sound of Big Ben ding donging.

Which was strange since Big Ben was currently under repair.

“I am the Ghost of Uncle Ernie to come,” said Uncle Ernie.

“Oh, Uncle Ernie, you’re such a liar,” Ming Ling giggled, “you never come.”

Uncle Ernie’s face turned red as the apparition vanished into the night.

“I need to stop eating those Australian candies,” Renfield remarked as he slid under his computer desk and into oblivion.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday May 15th 2020

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Marmalade Montague: Birth of A Legend

April 21, 2020 at 10:04 pm (Comedy, Entertainment, Folklore, Humour, News, Poetry, Science-Fiction, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Marmalade Montague: Birth of A Legend

In a bakery in Paris 
were posters of the mummy Kharis
Who appeared in 1940s mummy movies 
“Cause Imhotep wasn’t of the jazz Swing era groovies”

The bakery was owned by Marmalade Montague 
At the end of the street or in French “la rue”

Marmalade was an eccentric gent 
And because of the Covid-19 lockdown couldn’t pay the rent 
So into the gutter he was thrown
Getting up, he made a moan 

Inside Marmalade something snapped
opening up a genius untapped 
So into the Paris catacombs he descended 
and ran past ancient pipes all upended 
When he emerged again 
he carried a hen
and wore a silver wig
while his lips munched upon a fig

He was dressed from head to toe in Louis XIV era attire
So it was a good thing that his pants weren’t on fire 
He proclaimed to empty streets 
devoid of all and no words of greets
“I am Marmalade Montague court scientist to the Court of Louis Quatorze”
“So I say to you, Paris, open your doors”

But no doors opened and Marmalade Montague went back to the catacombs 
A world of poor reception for many smart phones 
For Marmalade Montague had gone mad
If he had any friends, they might have felt sad 
But as it was Marmalade had gone from good to bad.

And on this April day a legend was born 
In a world that was by a virus torn
No Sacrifice of the Mass was being said 
Masons hoped to make of Notre Dame a temple of lead
And in Rome, the ex-Vicar of Christ was flaming Bolshevik red 

Marmalade Montague had ceased to be a baker 
In his mind he had become a Louis Quatorze court alchemist faker 
And the world would never again be the same
Although the mainstream media would continue to be lame.

-A poem and vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday April 21st 2020.

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