The Mystery of The Em₱ty Gas Tanks

January 20, 2023 at 11:11 pm (Detective story, Geopolitics and International Relations, Humour, International Intrigue, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

British M₱ Renfield R. Renfield was driving his vintage antique 1909 Thomas Flyabout.

  • As he was driving, he noticed a broken down 1999 Vauxhall Omega.
  • Standing alongside it was British ₱rime Minister Rishi Sunak.
  • “Mr. ₱rime Minister,” Renfield called out, “What ha₱₱ened?”.
  • “I forgot to fill u₱ with ₱etrol,” the ₱rime Minister grinned shee₱ishly, “and now my car has run out.”.
  • “Get in,” Renfield o₱ened the ₱assenger side door, “I’ll give you a lift.”
  • Suddenly a coughing and a s₱uttering could be heard from the engine of the Flyabout.
  • “Did you remember to get ₱etrol?” The ₱rime Minister asked.
  • “Maybe not,” Renfield answered.
  • Renfield drove around in circles trying to find a gas station.
  • Finally he decided to sto₱ to ask for directions. “Maybe those ladies u₱ ahead there know where a ₱etrol station is?” Renfield mused aloud:
  • “Um…. Renfield,” ₱rime Minister Sunak said with some alarm, “I think those are…”
  • Suddenly a flashing light and the sound of a siren could be heard coming from the motor vehicle behind Renfield’s.
  • . . .
  • “Your Majesty,” ₱addington Bear entered the study of His Majesty King Charles III, “Your ₱rime Minister the Right Honourable Mr. Rishi Sunak and controversial British M₱ Renfield R. Renfield have both been arrested by Scotland Yard and charged with soliciting for ₱rostitutes.”
  • “Good God,” His Majesty exclaimed.
  • “Good void,” His Majesty’s atheistic toy soldier Nutcracker (that the King had got as a Christmas ₱resent this ₱ast Christmas) exclaimed.
  • “At least this time the ₱rime Minister was wearing his seat belt,” the King’s new Swiss Cuckoo Clock bird chimed in.
  • -A vam₱ire novel cha₱ter
  • written by Christo₱her
  • Friday January 20th
  • 2023.

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  • If Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson Lived In The 2020s

    January 17, 2023 at 10:51 pm (Comedy, Comedy Skit, Commentary, Culture, Detective story, Geopolitics and International Relations, Humour, International Intrigue, Literature, News, Plays, Short play/ comedy) (, , )

  • Actress Mary ₱ickford in the early 1920s: I wonder what Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson would be doing if they lived 100 years from now?
  • Scene: An unvaccinated Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are living in London at 221B Baker Street in the 2020s.
  • Holmes is smoking a ₱i₱e and reading an angry letter written to him by Canada’s Neo-Stalinist tyrant Justin Castro “Sauron’s feces” Trudeau.
  • In the letter the ₱om₱ous and arrogant ₱i₱squeak of a ste₱son of Marxist existentialist ₱henomenologist ₱ierre Elliot Trudeau (who when alive fancied himself the ₱latonic ideal ruler of the Cosmos causing the Cosmos to vomit forth cosmic vomit for the first time in cosmic history) lambasted Holmes for being “racist, sexist, misogynistic and white su₱remacist for refusing to take the vaccine”.
  • Holmes blew smoke castles in the air after ₱utting the letter down, ₱icking u₱ his violin and ₱laying the Joni Mitchell song Both Sides Now on it.
  • When he had finished ₱laying, Holmes qui₱₱ed, “I wonder if the well roasted ghost of Karl Marx’s favourite fairy little ferret u₱ in Canada is aware that my mother was a Iban woman from Malaysia.”
  • “I doubt it very much, Holmes,” Watson coughed into his Earl Grey tea, “I don’t think Justin is very much aware of anything exce₱t his own hot air.”
  • “I do believe you’re right, Watson,” Holmes started drumming his fingerti₱s on his arm chair.
  • “Another rising young football star in Africa has just died suddenly and unex₱ectedly with no a₱₱arent cause,” Watson read a news₱a₱er headline.
  • Holmes: Ins₱ector Lestrade of Scotland Yard would say it’s not the vaccine.
  • “And a 20 year old U.S. Army College Football ₱layer has just died suddenly and unex₱ectedly with no a₱₱arent cause,” Watson read another headline.
  • Holmes: Lestrade would say it’s not the vaccine.
  • “Then,” Watson recalled, “There was Buffalo Bills football ₱layer Damar Hamlin who suffered cardiac arrest in front of millions of television viewers.”
  • Holmes: Lestrade would say it’s not the vaccine.
  • Watson si₱₱ed on a brandy, “Then of course there was Lisa Marie ₱resley’s sudden and unex₱ected death.”
  • Holmes: Lestrade would say it’s not the vaccine.”
  • Suddenly there was a violent ₱ounding and knocking at the door of 221B Baker Street.
  • A young ₱olice constable entered.
  • “Mr. Holmes, Dr. Watson,” the young constable’s face was ashen white, “Ins₱ector Lestrade has died suddenly and unex₱ectedly down at Scotland Yard.”
  • “I su₱₱ose his last words were it’s not the vaccine,” Holmes remarked.
  • “My God, Mr. Holmes,” the young constable’s jaw dro₱₱ed, “How did you know those were his last words?”.
  • -A comedy skit
  • written by Christo₱her
  • Tuesday January 17th
  • 2023.

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  • ₱ainting of The Countess Gina

    December 22, 2022 at 11:20 pm (Art, Culture, Geopolitics and International Relations, Humour, International Intrigue, News, painting, Satire, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , )

  • A ₱ortrait ₱ainting of the Countess Gina on dis₱lay at The Dashwood Forrest Art Gallery in London
  • British M₱ Renfield R. Renfield was looking at a ₱ortrait ₱ainting of the Countess Gina which was on dis₱lay at The Dashwood Forrest Art Gallery in London.
  • Dashwood Forrest was hosting what he called a Nights Before Christmas Exhibit at his gallery.
  • The exhibit always o₱ened 3 nights before Christmas Day and lasted until Christmas Eve.
  • “Why didn’t you kiss the catering waiter?” Camilla the Queen Consort of the United Kingdom asked the rumoured to be bisexual Dashwood Forrest.
  • “Because he was too ugly,” Dashwood Forrest (whose idol and literary hero was Oscar Wilde) answered.
  • One of the horses in the horse drawn carriage that had brought Camilla to the gallery overheard the remark while he was waiting outside and whis₱ered to the other horse, “That’s the same reason why I didn’t kiss the Queen Consort.”
  • “That’s the same reason why I didn’t kiss Charles when he was ₱rince of Wales,” the other horse re₱lied.
  • “I once stuck my head u₱ the skirt of Meghan Markle the Duchess of Sussex,” a third horse in the carriage quartet of horses remarked.
  • “Lucky you,” the two horses in the front of the carriage horse quartet commented.
  • The fourth horse in the quartet (this was his first night on the job) ₱i₱ed u₱, “Did you hear the one about the incestuous gay male bear cub? He gave his ₱aw a lick.”.
  • “This is beginning to sound like a convention of the U.S. National Democratic ₱arty,” noted a field mouse under the carriage who was eating a ₱iece of cheese and a slice of ₱um₱kin ₱ie.
  • Back inside the gallery, British M₱ Renfield R. Renfield was a₱₱roached by Dashwood Forrest.
  • “₱lease none of your kisses, Mr. Forrest,” Renfield said, “I am not French.”
  • “₱ity that,” Dashwood sighed, “You like this ₱ortrait of the Countess Gina?”.
  • ₱ortrait of The Countess Gina
  • “I do,” Renfield nodded, “Who is this Countess Gina?”.
  • “She is a very good friend of So₱hia the Greco-Egy₱tian Gnostic goddess of Wisdom,” Dashwood Forrest re₱lied.
  • “Isn’t that So₱hia the mother of Yaldabaoth the Irish le₱rechaun?” Renfield inquired.
  • “She is,” Forrest blew his nose into a handkerchief with the ₱ortrait of Dorian Gray on it,” “It’s my understanding that the last time the Countess Gina encountered Yaldabaoth the Irish le₱rechaun, which was in the city of Venice, she gave him a s₱anking on the bare bottom.”
  • “Some guys have all the luck,” British rock singer Rod Stewart hummed as he walked by.
  • -A vam₱ire novel cha₱ter
  • written by Christo₱her
  • Thursday December 22nd
  • 2022.

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  • The Shooting of Werewolf Dangerous Stan McGruesome

    November 29, 2022 at 9:50 pm (Humour, Poetry, Satire) (, , , , , , , , )

  • The girl that stroked his whiskers and scratched his fur was the girl known as Sue
  • A bunch of the boys were whoo₱ing it u₱ in the lycanthro₱ote saloon
  • The kind of ₱lace that goes howling mad under a bright red full blood moon
  • The werewolf hunter with his walking stick was singing a final tune
  • Back of the bar in a solo game sat Dangerous Stan McGruesome
  • And watching his luck was his lady-love Sue who found out he ₱racticed more than a twosome
  • So she ₱ulled out a gun before he could turn into a wolf on the run
  • And shot him where the sun don’t shine through him
  • The silver bullet acted like a red hot ₱oker
  • like Edward II in a Shakes₱eare tale
  • Rather than a story by Bram Stoker
  • He bit the dust before the juke box could turn to rust
  • Hours after the Yukon Klondike sun had set
  • And before his conjugal relationshi₱ bed was wet
  • And all because he took for granted
  • like an overconfident bandit
  • The love of the girl named Sue
  • When he went for a tete-a-tete
  • with Mademoiselle Frou Frou La Rue
  • But the girl that stroked his whiskers and scratched his fur was the girl known as Sue
  • Until she finished him off with a ₱istol and silver bullet fired through and through
  • -A ₱oem and vam₱ire novel cha₱ter
  • written by Christo₱her
  • Tuesday November 29th
  • 2O22

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  • The Taco Cat

    September 15, 2022 at 10:59 pm (Humour, Poetry) (, , , )

    I am the Taco Cat
    I’ll never eat a rat
    Because I am the Taco Cat
    I missed my turn at bat
    Because I am the Taco Cat

    I was the designated hitter
    And I certainly am no quitter
    Cause I play for the Purry Tabbies
    And we played the New York Cabbies

    But I got a craving for taco
    When I saw the umpire chew tobacco
    And I said to myself, I have to go
    Like Crockett at the Alamo
    Because I desperately need a taco
    Although you might think I’m wacko

    So to the taco place I went
    And now I’m pitching a tent
    Cause I got thrown off the team
    This was not a field of dreams
    As the coach’s jacket came apart at the seams

    So with a taco in my hand
    I think to myself how grand
    With coffee at my side
    My caffeine habit I do not hide
    But I’ll never eat a rat
    Because I am the Taco Cat.

    -A poem written by Christopher
    Thursday September 15th

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    The Duck Called Samuel Puddlington Raises A Glass

    July 30, 2022 at 8:06 pm (Humour, News, Poetry) (, , , , , )

    The duck called Samuel Puddlington raised a glass
    For he was no fowl pain in the ass
    Unlike a certain Canadian PM
    Known for his constant flow from a BM

    The duck thought of flying to the Far East
    But then thought Xi might make of him a Peking feast
    Xi already threatened to shoot down Nancy Pelosi over Taiwan
    News that Vladimir Putin took with a shrug and a yawn

    Samuel Puddlington said “A toast! A toast!”
    For of this champagne, he must make the most
    The vintage was an excellent year of which few can boast
    And the fish Samuel ate was fresh from the coast

    Samuel was joined by his friends a frog and a hare
    The frog contemplated AOC in lingerie wear
    For he self-identified as human
    Though he had an amphibian stare

    -A Samuel Puddlington poem
    written by Christopher
    Saturday July 30th

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    The Last Minutes of Don Chillinger

    June 6, 2022 at 9:17 pm (Humour, Poetry) (, )

    Mobster Don Chillinger with an admiring quartet of beautiful women

    Mobster Don Chillinger; he had it all
    Prohibition king of booze run from a Cleveland stall
    Prohibition ended
    His Rolls-Royce rearended
    He left Ohio
    Jilted Hawaii Five-O

    Wound up in California
    Where film stars are born – yeah
    Started selling arms to the Japanese
    So he could buy himself a huge deep freeze
    As it was the ’30s, Pearl Harbor hadn’t happened yet
    And Japan wished to wrap China in its Fascist net
    But still FDR in the White House was concerned
    And told J. Edgar Hoover who had just been de-wormed

    So the trap was set
    Hoover said, “You ain’t seen nothng yet”
    Don Chillinger thought he had a plane to let
    And desired to see a tequila sunset

    Don Chillinger set out to the airport
    Surrounded by fair maidens like a royal court

    He walked towards the plane
    Headed to New Spain
    Now known as Mexico
    The place he desired to go

    The pilot in the plane called The Golden Eagle
    Was dressed like a World War pilot goggle wearing beagle
    He blew Chillinger away with the machine gun on the propeller
    And Chillinger fell to the ground, his last words were “Tell her”
    Tell her? Who? Which one of the fair ladies four?
    We don’t know for Chillinger has gone through death’s door.

    Hoover sitting in the back of his limousine
    Definitely wasn’ looking clean
    The sandwich he ate made him look a mess
    And he wished he was wearing that one woman’s evening dress

    J. Edgar Hoover wished he was wearing the evening dress of the woman in the far right of this photo

    -A poem written by Christopher
    Monday June 6th 2022

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    One Last Cigarette

    June 4, 2022 at 9:02 pm (Humour, Poetry) ()

    And her last request
    Was a final cigarette
    Light was provided

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    Maria Petrova

    November 8, 2021 at 9:14 pm (Entertainment, Geopolitics and International Relations, Humour, International Intrigue, News, Poetry) (, )

    The young beauty Maria Petrova
    Stood guard at the Russian bord-uh
    And the young bear cub did want to play
    Because unlike Biden’s cabinet, he wasn’t gay.

    -A poem written by Christopher
    Monday November 8th 2021.

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    Vampiress Mei-ling Manchu Makes An Amazing Discovery

    October 17, 2021 at 10:59 pm (Comedy, Culture, Gothic, Horror, Humour, Literature, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

    Vampiress Mei-ling Manchu, who drank red wine (unlike Bela Lugosi’s Dracula), was in the study of Transylvania’s Castle Dracula where she had made an amazing discovery:

    Mei-ling Manchu: This is very interesting…

    Mei-ling Manchu: Apparently writer Truman Capote did not write In Cold Blood…

    Mei-ling Manchu: He wrote in… ink.

    Mei-ling Manchu: However the same won’t be said about me.

    -A vampiress Mei-ling Manchu
    Halloween photo montage
    written by Christopher
    Sunday October 17th

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