Sherrielock Holmes En Route To Zimbabwe

November 19, 2017 at 7:01 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Vampire novel) (, , , )

Sherrielock Holmes En Route To Zimbabwe 🇿🇼

The (quite literally) immortal dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes had her bags 💼 packed and was on her way to the airport to fly to Zimbabwe 🇿🇼.

“What will you be doing in Zimbabwe?” Amadeus Emanon asked as he munched on his fish and chips.

“I’ve been hired by the Zimbabwean Army and the Zanu-PF Party to tomato 🍅 Zimbabwean President Robert Mugabe’s buttocks and force him to resign,” Sherrielock explained, “because Mugabe won’t go gently into that good night. So he’ll have to go screaming to the sounds of whips tomatoing his buns.”

“Have you ever been called upon to force a world leader to quit before?” Amadeus squeezed a lemon on to his fish.

“Yes, back in 1918, I was called upon to force Germany’s Kaiser Wilhelm II to abdicate,” Sherrielock recalled, “and then in 1974, I was called upon to tomato 🍅 Richard M. Nixon’s buttocks and get him to resign the U.S. Presidency voluntarily to save the country the agony of an impeachment trial in the Senate. That’s the one Nixon era White House tape recording that has never been released to the general public as government archivists thought the sound of my whips and Nixon’s screams would be too much for the public to handle.”

“Good luck in Zimbabwe,” Amadeus said to Sherrielock as she went out the door.

“It’s Mr. Mugabe who’ll be needing the luck,” Sherrielock quipped as she walked out the door, “as well as a lifetime supply of comfortable cushions.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday November 19th
2017.

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Michelangelo’s Dream of Raymond Red Reddington and Saad Hariri

November 17, 2017 at 6:08 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Television, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Michelangelo’s Dream of Raymond Red Reddington and Saad Hariri

Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster was asleep in his aquarium at the Set Enterprises laboratory in London.

He was dreaming a dream about TV character Raymond Red Reddington from The Blacklist holding Lebanese Prime Minister Saad Hariri hostage in Riyadh Saudi Arabia.

“Why are you doing this?” Saad Hariri asked Red, “I thought you were busy sharing a blacklist with law enforcement authorities in America in return for being allowed to keep your vast criminal empire. Why are you helping the Saudis?”.

“I owe Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman a favour,” Red lit a cigar, “I have nothing against you personally.”

“Why do you owe the Crown Prince a favour?” Saad asked.

“Well I must admit it’s quite embarrassing,” Red brushed cigar ash off his trousers, “A couple of years ago I was in a Paris apartment getting the best blow job I had in my life from an extremely charming and beautiful young Saudi businesswoman Miss Fatima Suleiman when unexpectedly the Saudi Religious Police (who seem to have some trouble knowing where their jurisdiction lies) came bursting into the room. They were going to charge the charming Miss Fatima with adultery and take her back to Saudi Arabia where she’d be stoned (in a different sense of that word from Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau inhaling too much pot smoke). I felt it would be a terrible tragedy for the world if it were to lose Fatima’s delicious lips of mass exhilaration. So I phoned Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman and asked that he commute her sentence and that she be allowed to remain in Paris where she could continue to perform oral healing on me. His Highness agreed on condition that I owe him a favour which he could call in at any time.”

“What became of the Saudi Religious Police officers who witnessed Fatima’s actions?” Hariri inquired.

“His Highness drafted them into the Saudi Army and sent them to the front lines of Damascus to fight Bashar al-Assad’s forces where of course they were killed immediately,” Red poured himself a glass of bourbon.

“And the favour the Crown Prince called in was for you to hold me hostage and get me to resign as Prime Minister of Lebanon 🇱🇧?” Hariri was beginning to see the light.

Reddington quickly closed the blinds.

“That is correct,” Red finished his bourbon.

“So why is the Crown Prince now allowing me to fly to Paris at the invitation of French President Emmanuel Macron?” Saad asked.

“Beats me,” Reddington shrugged, “For myself, I’ve always been suspicious of any French male politician who wears more makeup 💄 than Caitlyn Jenner and the Kardashian sisters put together.”

“So it’s a mystery why I’m being allowed to fly to Paris, France 🇫🇷,”
Hariri noted.

“Well there are rumours that a few days ago a kraken calling himself Napoleon VI burst into Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman’s palace while His Highness was hosting a seafood banquet,” Reddington opened a tin of smoked oysters, “and after eating all the seafood, the kraken demanded that His Highness release you.”

“And so as a result of the kraken’s digestive actions, I’m now flying to Paris,” Saad Hariri was impressed.

“That appears to be the case,” Red started eating the oysters using chopsticks, “as for myself, I appear to have misplaced my fork.”

“Say, Red,” Hariri looked imploringly at Reddington, “what’s the address of Miss Fatima Suleiman’s apartment in Paris?”.

Michelangelo woke up and wondered how much of his dream was reality.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday November 17th
2017.

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The Hound of The Baskervilles and The Temple Mount

November 13, 2017 at 7:23 pm (Detective story, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

The Hound of The Baskervilles and The Temple Mount

60 years ago, the stuffed body of the original Hound of the Baskervilles had been stolen from the Sherlock Holmes Museum at 221B Baker Street, London.

Today Agathor Christie and Magog Rhys Petley Private Eyes were walking the streets of the city of Jerusalem.

The two men were not on a case but rather holidaying.

They had not been hired on a case since they had located the Vampiric Knights-Templar for Allatallahbel the Vampiress Priestess of Baal.

The two men decided to go walk around the area of the Temple Mount (known to Muslims as the Haram al-Sharif) even though it was not legal for non-Muslims to do so.

However both men, being former British Members of Parliament, were naturally ignorant of the law.

Fortunately on this Monday approaching mid-November, the Temple Mount was not very busy and no one noticed the two men brazenly walking about.

“Look there,” Magog pointed to Agathor.

“What is it?” Agathor stuffed some snuff up his nose and sneezed.

“It’s the stuffed (as in taxidermically embalmed) body of an extremely large black dog,” Magog was astounded.

“So it is,” Agathor put on his monocle and took a look at the stuffed dead beast, “I have to whole heartedly agree.”

“I’ve seen that body before,” said Magog.

“You have?” Asked an astounded Agathor who was starting to wonder if his private eye partner had some rather unusual sexual proclivities.

“Yes, last week I was browsing through a 60-year-old LIFE magazine in my doctor’s office,” Magog explained, “and I came across an article about how the stuffed body of the original Hound of The Baskervilles was stolen from the Sherlock Holmes Museum at 221B Baker Street in London 60 years ago this week. They had a photo of the stolen item. With my photographic memory and my brilliant powers of Sherlockian reasoning, I deduce the hound in that 60-year-old photo and the one lying dead and stuffed here are one and the same.”

“Your doctor 👨‍⚕️ keeps 60 year old magazines in the waiting room of his office?” Agathor’s monocle popped off his eye in astonishment.

“Of course he’s Scottish,” Magog nodded, “and extremely tight at saving his pennies. He doesn’t really have anything new in his office. One deputy Chancellor of the Exchequer fell down the toilet 🚽 using that office’s antiquated piece of plumbing and hasn’t been seen since.”

“Amazing,” Agathor’s monocle fogged up.

“I say we better get this Hound of the Baskervilles off the Temple Mount and back to Britain 🇬🇧 as soon as possible,” Magog picked up the head end of the dog.

Agathor was left to pick up the rear end of the dog.

They carried the hound’s body off the Temple Mount while Magog Rhys Petley sang that old Patti Page song, “How much is that doggie in the window…?”.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday November 13th
2017.

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Napoleon VI Looking For A Public Relations Coup

November 12, 2017 at 7:30 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, Humour, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

Napoleon VI Looking For A Public Relations Coup

The kraken who called himself Napoleon VI (formerly Italian mad scientist Dr. Poseidon Prometheus who had uploaded his consciousness into the body of a cyborg octopus 🐙- part octopus and part robot) had been moping around the house ever since he lost the 1st round of the French Presidential election this past April coming in 12th of the 12 Presidential candidates running.

His wife Medusa (the ex-Gorgon) was getting sick of his constant moping and his constant bellyaching for a bellyaching kraken is not a pleasant sight.

“Why don’t you do something concrete?” Medusa scolded as she stood in her new Christian Dior evening gown and read a new book explaining the possible whereabouts of ex-Teamsters boss Jimmy Hoffa, “Instead of constantly complaining, do something to get your name in the news. The French electorate are regretting having elected Emmanuel Macron President. Do something positive and praiseworthy and you’ll become famous and get elected President of France next time.”

“But what can I do?” Napoleon VI wondered which one of his 8 metallic tentacled arms he should use if he was ever invited to play golf with Donald Trump.

“Well, there’s talk of a possible war between Saudi Arabia 🇸🇦 and Iran 🇮🇷. Why don’t you see if you can’t bring peace between the two countries? Then you’ll be hailed as the great peacemaker,” Medusa adjusted her gown.

“I suppose I could,” Napoleon VI realized he’d probably have to skip the Monte Carlo Monopoly Game Board Tournament if he were to do that.

. . .

The two Bedouins riding on their camels 🐫 through the Arabian Desert were startled to see a giant octopus 🐙 parachuting out of a plane ✈️ and landing on the sands not far from them.

“I say,” the Kraken Napoleon VI spoke in a Monty Python style British accent thinking that this would make him more understandable to people who only spoke Arabic, “can you direct me to Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman’s palace in Riyadh?”.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday November 12th
2017.

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The 100th Anniversary of The Russian Bolshevik Revolution

November 7, 2017 at 9:04 pm (Espionage, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, Politics, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , )

The 100th Anniversary of The Russian Bolshevik Revolution

Renfield R. Renfield MP stood up in the British House of Commons and began his speech, “It was 100 years ago today that the Russian Bolshevik Revolution occurred when at 9:40 PM local time the cruiser gunship Aurora fired a shot at the Winter Palace in Petrograd (St. Petersburg) forcing the Provisional Government of Alexander Kerensky to surrender.
The Revolution marked the start of a century of bloodshed as Communists killed millions of people in their attempt to create a Utopia of peace, bread and prosperity.”

. . .

100 years earlier-

October 25th 1917 (on the old Julian calendar which Russia was using at the time)

November 7th 1917 (on the new Gregorian calendar which the Russian Socialist Federative Soviet Republic under Lenin would later adopt in 1918).

On the cruiser gunship Aurora, the 50-foot long Egyptian Serpent Apophis was coiled aboard deck.

Apophis who had convinced the German Kaiser Wilhelm II to smuggle Lenin back into Russia via Finland.

Apophis who had convinced the “useful idiots” in the Woodrow Wilson Administration to allow Leon Trotsky to leave the U.S. and return to Russia.

Apophis who hoped the new Red Dawn would forever block out Ra’s rising sun.

“Will anyone be able to stop this Revolution?” The Bolshevik captain of the Aurora asked.

“No,” Apophis shook his serpentine head, “it’s not likely that sometime within the next year that they’ll dig up Set from his tomb and he shall once again slay me with his giant spear like he used to do when he rode as a passenger aboard Ra’s solar barge.”

. . .

Renfield (whose code name was The Spear of Set when he worked at Set Enterprises) concluded his speech, “Vladimir Putin’s mistake in Russia is to attempt a synthesis of Imperial Czarist Russia and Soviet Stalinist Russia – a synthesis bound for failure. As with every other Hegelian synthesis in history. For as any person inclined towards sensible philosophy knows- Hegel was a pompous ass full of wind and fury whose flatulence in history will ultimately signify nothing.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday November 7th
2017.

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Renfield, Pope Francis, The Himalayan Serpent and The Buddha Statue

November 5, 2017 at 5:23 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, News, Religion, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , )

Renfield, Pope Francis, The Himalayan Serpent and The Buddha Statue

“Pope Francis is the best and the ultimate argument against the heresy of Ultramontanism,” Renfield R. Renfield said in a speech to a group of Catholic Bishops from England and Wales which didn’t go over so well with those assembled there.

Renfield’s speech itself was supposed to be a peace offering with the Conference of Catholic Bishops of England and Wales after Renfield had given a speech in Parliament in which he had held up a photo of Pope Francis and said, “Only an idiot in his entirety would want to do away with the death penalty in its entirety.”

Pope Francis was alleged to have said to Walter Cardinal Kasper, “Will no one rid me of this turbulent MP?”.

Similar remarks had been made by Russian President Vladimir Putin to senior officers of the Russian FSB a couple of days earlier.

. . .

A mysterious golden cobra figure who called himself Maitreya lived in the Himalayas on the Tibet-Nepal border.

He lived deep inside a cave beneath one of the mountains.

Every hour at midnight local time, he was able to astral project himself anywhere in the world.

But by 9:00 AM local time, whenever the fur wearing golden cock atop the mountain crew, Maitreya immediately returned to his cave from wherever he was in the world.

So the damage the golden cobra serpent could do to the world was limited to between midnight and 9 AM local time on that particular spot of the Himalayas on the Tibet-Nepal border.

All controlled by the fur wearing golden cock on the top of the mountain.

The cock had been placed there by Saint Michael the Archangel to bind the golden cobra serpent.

Unfortunately on November 2nd 2017, the Chinese People’s Liberation Army were practicing firing a new big gun long-range cannon in the region.

The cannonball killed the 5000-year-old fur wearing golden rooster 🐔.

The result was Maitreya could now astral project any time of the day.

The golden cobra serpent entered a Buddha statue in a Buddhist temple in the City of Rome.

There the serpent planned its next move.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday November 5th
2017.

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Ghosts of Duckly Nephews’ Namesakes Plus Vladimir Putin Too

November 3, 2017 at 7:38 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, History, International Intrigue, News, Politics, Satire, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , )

Ghosts of Duckly Nephews’ Namesakes Plus Vladimir Putin Too

With the arrival of the Egyptian god Thoth to our present spatial/temporal dimension this past August of 2017, various spirits had left their appointed places in the Underworld much to the Greek god Hades’ chagrin.

Among those who had left were the ghosts of former Louisiana governor Huey Long, former twice running Republican Presidential candidate of the 1940s Tom Dewey and Western Canadian Metis rebel leader Louis Riel.

The ghosts of Huey, Dewey and Louis chose to haunt the White House.

They had great fun with Donald Trump calling him Uncle Donald.

“Hi Uncle Donald,” they’d shout as they entered the Oval Office, “it’s Huey, Dewey and Louis here.”

. . .

Russian President Vladimir Putin was getting indigestion in the middle of eating his borscht soup.

Not so much the soup itself was causing the problem but what the Russian leader was watching on television.

British Transhumanist MP Renfield R. Renfield was standing on the steps of the Westminster Parliament in London and giving his opinion of the crisis in Spain 🇪🇸 to reporters, “Spanish Prime Minister Mariano Rajoy with his recent arrest of most of the Catalan cabinet is showing that he’s learned a lot from Russian President Vladimir Putin – throw in jail all those political leaders you’re in disagreement with.”

Putin immediately summoned the leaders of the FSB to his office.

“Well,” Putin sipped his samovar brewed tea with honey and sliced lemon, “this newly elected British MP Renfield R. Renfield is becoming a real problem for me. As we know, Donald Trump won’t succeed in his attempt to make America great again. Particularly now that he’s being haunted by the ghosts of Huey, Dewey and Louis.”

Putin seemed to know everything that was going on in the current White House.

“Now very early this year, I reminded Britain that they’re no longer a great world power,” Putin finished his tea, “and then in one of those ironic twists of history for which history is famous, no sooner had I said that then British Prime Minister Theresa May called a snap election and this Renfield character was elected to Parliament. I have had dealings with Renfield in the past when he was the Chief of Security and Intelligence Gathering for Set Enterprises in London. Now I have to admit that Renfield has beaten me several times at global chess – in the metaphorical sense. We’ve never sat down and played together on an actual literal chess board.”

Putin cleared his throat.

“The problem is knowing him as I do,” Putin grimaced, “is that he’s just the sort of man capable of making Britain 🇬🇧 great again making Great Britain truly Great Britain in fact as well as in name. If the sun once again doesn’t set on the Union Jack, this will mean trouble for the Russian Motherland.”

The FSB officers assembled in the room were silent.

Then in a paraphrase of English King Henry II’s statement about Archbishop of Canterbury Thomas Beckett, Putin asked, “Will no one rid me of this turbulent MP?”.

FSB officers looked at one another.

They knew what those words meant and implied.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday November 2nd
2017.

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Michelangelo’s Vision of Donald Trump’s Proclamation of Himself As A God

November 2, 2017 at 3:27 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

Michelangelo’s Vision of Donald Trump’s Proclamation of Himself As A God

Renfield R. Renfield the newly elected British Transhumanist MP had had a busy day.

He discussed Brexit with British Prime Minister Theresa May.

He discussed the Spanish crisis with British Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson.

He discussed with Opposition Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn a private member’s bill to get the government to build safer low cost Community Housing in the wake of the Grenfell Tower fire tragedy.

He welcomed into his office a marble bust of Sir Winston Churchill that he had commissioned as he had decided that Churchill was the British politician he most wanted to emulate.

He had a phone conversation with German Chancellor Angela Merkel in which he said that it would be best for NATO if they booted the Turkey of despotic would be Ottoman Sultan Recep Tayyip Erdogan out of the Alliance saying it was not a good thing to have a “demagogic despotic radical Islamist wolf learning NATO’s secrets.”

He received a confidential email from Russian President Vladimir Putin in which the Russian leader invited the possible future Prime Minister to be his puppet.

Renfield in his response told Putin to go blyad himself as “I’m no Donald Trump.”

And speaking of Donald Trump, Renfield went down to the Set Enterprises laboratory to consult with Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster to see what Donald Trump was up to today.

Michelangelo used his visualization technique and then transmitted the images and sounds via his psychic lobster antennae to Renfield’s iPad tablet.

Donald Trump stood in front of a large mirror and proclaimed to his image, “You are a god, Donald, and not a mere mortal. What other person on the face of the earth can force NFL players to bend the knee with the Imperial decree of a mere Twitter tweet?”.

Michelangelo then received a vision from the future – the year 2020- showing a Donald Trump Re-Election commercial.

The imagery of the commercial showed dozens of NFL players on their knees in front of their respective benches as the TV commercial’s announcer solemnly intoned, “At the name of Donald every knee shall bow and every tongue confess that Donald Trump is Lord.”

Well, Renfield thought to himself, I should upload Michelangelo’s visions to social media. That will be one surefire way of getting NFL players to stand for the U.S. National Anthem in the future.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday November 2nd
2017.

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Halloween 2017: 500th Anniversary of Protestant Reformation

October 31, 2017 at 8:03 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, Horror, International Intrigue, News, Religion, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

Halloween 2017: 500th Anniversary of Protestant Reformation

South African witch doctor Dr. Sterling Makabo was walking the streets of Wittenberg Germany on the 500th Anniversary of the Protestant Reformation’s beginning.

Dr. Makabo had the power to revive corpses from the dead as zombies and with his sense of humour, he decided to raise Martin Luther from his grave and have him re-post his 95 Theses on the door of All Saints Church in Wittenberg.

Luther’s corpse did that and was applauded by Halloween trick or treaters who were impressed by the spectacle.

Meanwhile in Rome, Pope Francis (ever anxious to show the world what a splendid ecumenist he was) posted the 95 Theses of Martin Luther on the door of Saint Peter’s Basilica while the Baphomet (who had been summoned by the Vampiric Knights-Templar) applauded vigorously with his multiple arms and legs.

Later, a Vatican Cardinal went down and nailed a copy of Anton LaVey’s The Satanic Bible to the door of Saint Peter’s Basilica as well.

Meanwhile Allatallahbel the Vampiress Priestess of Baal attacked various trick or treaters around the city and sucked their blood and then gave them candies afterwards.

And Donald Trump spent his Halloween in the Oval Office insulting more people in his Twitter tweets.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday October 31st
2017.

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The Wolfman and Joseph Stalin

October 30, 2017 at 7:55 pm (Culture, Entertainment, Film, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, Horror, Humour, International Intrigue, Movies, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

The Wolfman and Josef Stalin

It was Christmas 1941 and Der Fuhrer Adolf Hitler was enjoying a private screening of the recently released 1941 American horror film The Wolfman with Lon Chaney Jr. in the title role.

“What a delightful film,” Der Fuhrer purred as he wiped sauerkraut off his lips with his napkin, “it makes me glad that the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor and not Hollywood.”

“Indeed,” Nazi Propaganda Minister Joseph Goebbels agreed as he swallowed a huge German sausage.

“I have something I’d like to show your Excellency,” the Ahnenerbe scientist Dr. Fritz Falkenberg stated.

“Please, I’ve looked at enough German sausages tonight,” Der Fuhrer remarked as he sipped a pinkish fruit cocktail.

“No,” Dr. Falkenberg spoke an incantation and the character of the Wolfman emerged from the film reel projector.

“Great Odin!” Hitler shrieked.

Dr. Falkenberg spoke the incantation backwards and the Wolfman returned into the film reel projector.

“Impressive,” Der Fuhrer clapped his hands and then wiped them with a napkin.

“I have taken the liberty of mailing a copy of The Wolfman film to Soviet Communist Party General-Secretary Josef Stalin,” Dr. Falkenberg explained, “with the incantation spoken over the film. When Stalin watches the film, the Wolfman will jump from the screen and kill him.”

“I hope you haven’t mailed it using a Third Reich post mark,” Goebbels ate a Polish pickle, “otherwise Stalin won’t open it. Our two countries are at war you know.”

“I used one of our spies in Canada to mail the movie from Ottawa to Moscow,” Dr. Falkenberg explained.

What Dr. Falkenberg hadn’t counted on was the slowness of Canada’s postal service.

The film didn’t arrive in Moscow until March 5th 1953.

Stalin was attacked and killed by the screen leaping Wolfman during the course of the film.

Radio Moscow promptly attributed Stalin’s death to natural causes.

Der Fuhrer was not alive to enjoy the announcement.

-A Halloween short story
and vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday October 30th
2017.

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