Wedding Crashers and The Third Temple

July 19, 2018 at 10:57 pm (Avatar Speaks, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , )

Wedding Crashers and The Third Temple

Peter Whitstable the Fox Mulder of Interpol was staying in an old English country inn on the hunt for two demonically possessed dogs who were busy terrorizing the English countryside.

He received a phone call from an Interpol operative in Israel 🇮🇱 who had an unusual matter of a paranormal nature to report.

He had seen a wedding being performed on top of the Temple Mount in Jerusalem.

The officiating clergyman at the wedding was recently installed Vatican Cardinal Samhain Salaman (a former professional stage magician).

The groom was Baphomet (the hermaphrodite half-human half-goat entity who was worshiped by some Knights-Templar back in the Middle Ages).

The bride was Panty Goatee the recently genetically cloned twin sister of world famous DARPA contract assassin and satyr serial killer Pan Goatee.

Panty was topless at the wedding but wearing a black scarf around her shoulders that covered both her breasts as well as black leather gloves on her arms and a long red skirt instead of a white wedding dress.

On her head instead of a white bridal veil, she wore a pair of large painted black goat’s horns.

The virginal young clone Panty Goatee had been ordered to marry the Baphomet by Dr. Faustus Imhotep her boss at DARPA.

At the moment when Cardinal Samhain Salaman asked Panty Goatee, “Do you take this hermaphrodite half-man half-goat to be your legal wedded spouse from this night forward…?”.

At that moment a Black Jaguar leapt on the Temple Mount interrupting the ceremony by snarling in a form of ancient Mayan.

Cardinal Salaman felt under his cassock and pulled out a smart phone (much to best man Dr. Faustus Imhotep’s relief).

He then googled for an ancient Mayan language translation app to download but, by then, it was too late.

The Black Jaguar stood up on his hind legs and then grabbed the black scarf, black leather gloves and long red skirt wearing Panty Goatee with his front legs and then carried her off into the night of the Jerusalem dusk.

A shooting star 🌠 fell from the sky over Jerusalem.

. . .

Former U.S. President Bill Clinton was having trouble sleeping.

He decided to go downstairs to the refrigerator and pour himself a glass of milk 🥛.

As he tip toed down the stairs, he noticed his wife Hillary Rodham Clinton (the 2016 Democratic Party Presidential candidate) standing in the dimly lit living room by a black coloured burning candle and dressed in the robes of a Haitian voodoo high priestess. A group of 13 men in gray and black coloured suits, ties and jackets were kneeling on the floor in front of her paying her obeisance.

Bill very stealthily tip toed into the kitchen, quietly opened the refrigerator door and instead of a glass of milk he grabbed himself a can of Budweiser beer and equally stealthily tip toed back upstairs and into his bedroom where he quietly closed the door.

As quietly as possible, he tried to open the can, then put the beer to his lips and wondered what the Hell was going on?

. . .

Amadeus Emanon heard the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set’s antique phone ring in the kitchen of the colossal West London mansion.

He picked it up.

It was his good friend British MP Renfield R. Renfield calling.

Renfield was still up in Oxford.

“I’ll be in Oxford a few more days,” Renfield said as he splashed around in a hot tub with several hot looking young female Oxford summer student coeds.

“Say, I was going to ask you, why the Hell do you suppose Donald Trump invited Vladimir Putin to Washington DC this fall?” Amadeus queried.

“Well,” Renfield smiled as one of the coeds licked his kosher sausage, “the man is either fully clinically insane or if there’s method to his madness, the Jared Kushner Middle East peace plan is definitely a go and Trump would most definitely need Vladimir Putin’s backing for the plan to go ahead.”

Amadeus watched on the kitchen television as Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu officially declared Israel “the nation-state of the Jewish people” after winning a vote to do so in the Israeli Knesset.

“What do you think is going to happen next in the Middle East?” Amadeus asked.

“Well,” Renfield watched the Netanyahu announcement on the BBC News App on the Samsung Galaxy S8 smart phone located in the bikini between one coed’s two breasts, “we’ve got the U.S. Embassy now in Jerusalem, we have just had Netanyahu proclaim Israel the Nation-State (it was just State before) of the Jewish people and next on the agenda I suspect is the building of the Third Jewish Temple on the Temple Mount.”

“But won’t the Arabs object to that?” Amadeus was incredulous.

“Not necessarily,” Renfield remarked as a text message from Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman came in on his smart phone.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday July 19th
2018.

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The Bride of Baphomet: A Horror Poem

July 18, 2018 at 10:14 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, Horror, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, Mythology, News, Poetry, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

The Bride of Baphomet: A Horror Poem

Atargatis’ mermaid invasion of the Israeli state was called off
on the day marking death of last Czar Romanov
so this wedding could take place
for the Baphomet would not lose face
He was in Jerusalem for his wedding
while devil worshipers checked his hotel bedding
It was the day after the anniversary of Bolshevik royal slaughter
that the Baphomet would take his trip to the altar

Who was his Bride?
DARPA’s latest pride
Panty Goatee
with a cheese soufflé
her pussy could take a lot of heat
for someone minus goats’ legs and feet

And the Baphomet could lick on and on to his heart’s content
like a porno film with a Hellish bent
Pussy filled with cheese soufflé
For gourmet Eros was the order of the day

Dr. Faustus Imhotep the acting head of DARPA had given the order
while volcanoes erupted in the land of Mordor

Panty’s twin brother Pan from whom she had been genetically cloned
wouldn’t be at wedding for he hadn’t been phoned.

So he had spent the day killing ugly females
with laser machete and his razor sharp nails
For he never got a manicure
but instead lopped off heads like combine in manure
Caligula Farms
definitely had its charms
for those who let their fat cows out of the barns

Diablotron the AI god
for whom Elon Musk was a silly sod
had instructed Faustus Imhotep on the wedding
right down to the size of nanite infested bedding
It would all come together like a Lovecraft tome
this wedding of Baphomet and Panty Goatee

The union of old gods with the new
So Armageddon can come true
Saint John might Divine
with all that’s fine
but the Apocalypse
Would follow Baphomet lips
Cheese soufflé is better with a mushroom
of an atomic variety for Bride and groom

The wedding would take place on the Temple Mount
recently vacated by Dracula the Count
The old Transylvanian/Wallachian
accompanied by a single Dalmatian
had taken a recent tour of the Holy City
And said aloud, it’s all very pretty

But it was called the City of Peace for nought
for it was a place for which many had fought
It was a scene of much blood and gore
awaiting a visit by Donald the bore
But until that time
when idiocy turns sublime
This royal wedding must take place
to let blood flow in this Holy place
Sacred to religions three
like Lakota warrior’s heart at Wounded Knee
It must all end in grief and strife
amidst much taking of human life

The Bride of Baphomet awaits
the cry of Banshees and Grecian Fates
Many threads of life will be cut
while she drinks blood from a golden cup

-A horror poem
and vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday  July 18th
2018.

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The 100th Anniversary of The Execution of The Romanov Russian Imperial Family By The Bolsheviks

July 17, 2018 at 10:01 pm (Biographical, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, News, Obituaries, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , )

The 100th Anniversary of The Execution of The Romanov Russian Imperial Family By The Bolsheviks

1 AM on July 17th 1918 in a fortified mansion in the town of Ekaterinburg in the Ural Mountains, the Tsar Nicholas II, his wife the Tsarina Alexandra, their 4 daughters the Grand Duchesses Olga, Tatiana, Maria and Anastasia, and their son the Tsarevich Alexis were slaughtered by a Bolshevik firing squad.

The order to kill the entire Imperial Family had undoubtedly come down from Lenin himself.

But wisely he never officially wrote it down on paper.

. . .

Vladimir Putin poured himself tea from the samovar.

He then added lemon and honey- the Russian way of having tea- and… handling diplomacy.

To Putin, it was just a day like any other.

Nothing notable.

. . .

British MP Renfield R. Renfield remarked to his friend Amadeus Emanon, “So the ghost of Sir Winston Churchill and I were discussing what should be done with Russia 🇷🇺 once I finally succeed in bumping off their strongman leader. We both agreed Russia should become a constitutional monarchy with the heir to the Romanov throne restored.”

“So I suppose you’re headed to Parliament to vote yes on the non-confidence motion to bring down Theresa May’s government over Brexit,” Amadeus said as he munched tea and crumpets.

“As a matter of fact, I’m not,” Renfield replied, “I’m off to Oxford University today.”

Renfield smiled as he tied his tie and walked out the door.

Amadeus sat frozen in position the next 5 minutes with the piece of crumpet only a millimetre from his mouth.

Finally he put the crumpet down and looked at the front door of the Set mansion in a state of shock.

Renfield had been yacking the past few days about the fact that if Theresa May’s government was defeated, Her Majesty the Queen might name him Prime Minister as the head of a National Unity coalition government.

So why then was Renfield skipping the non-confidence vote on May’s government (when every single MP vote counted) and heading off to Oxford instead?

“What,” Amadeus wondered to himself, “was so important about being at Oxford today?”.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday July 17th
2018.

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Pan Goatee’s Bowel Movement and Lobster Flambé

July 16, 2018 at 10:59 pm (Aesthetics, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

Pan Goatee’s Bowel Movement and Lobster Flambé

Satyr serial killer Pan Goatee hurriedly walked into the restaurant not to have something to eat but to have a bowel movement.

He was in desperate need of a bowel movement.

A bowel movement no doubt brought on by the dozen plates of curried goats’ legs he had ordered and eaten at Dr. Hannibal Lecter’s Curried Goats’ Legs For Satyrs Concession Stand in the park.

He hurriedly walked into the men’s washroom of the restaurant.

“Oh shit!” Goatee exclaimed.

But he was unable to do that.

For the sole cubicle in the washroom was occupied.

Pan Goatee did the Hyperion Tomatoed Bottom Dance with both his legs as he waited for the asshole in the cubicle to hurry up and have his bowel movement.

But the asshole in the washroom cubicle was taking his sweet smelly time.

Goatee could wait no longer.

He ran outside the washroom.

He noticed a long line up by the pop machine as customers were complaining as the woman at the front of the line was taking her sweet time filling up all 24 large cups she had with her.

“Someone should really do something,” an elderly man cried as he keeled over from heat exhaustion and thirst on this sizzling hot summer day.

“It’s all right, folks,” Pan Goatee went to the front of the line and beheaded the woman with his astral laser machete.

He then ran back to the men’s washroom.

“Oh shit!” Pan Goatee exclaimed again.

The asshole was still in there.

“How many bowel movements can one total asshole have?” Goatee complained and went out again and sat on a seat crossing his legs waiting for the asshole to finally emerge.

After what seemed like an eternity (and Pope Francis says there’s no such thing as Hell), the asshole finally emerged.

Goatee noticed no one else had gone into the washroom and stood up to hurry in.

Suddenly a fat ugly blimp at that moment came out of the women’s washroom and waddled down the small passageway between the dining area and the washrooms immediately visually assaulting Pan Goatee’s eyesight and profound sense of aesthetics.

“Aww, shit!” Pan Goatee exclaimed as he beheaded the fat ugly blimp.

And proceeded to do just that.

He pulled down the Bermuda shorts he was wearing and shit all over the blimp’s decapitated head and headless body.

He then jumped through the restaurant window breaking it and chased down the asshole who had taken so long in the cubicle of the men’s washroom.

“You asshole,” Goatee shouted at the man, “thanks to you taking so long to have a fucking bowel movement, my eyes were forced to endure the sight of a fat ugly blimp exiting the women’s washroom. You inconsiderate low class proletarian slob! Other people have to have bowel movements too you know.”

Goatee immediately decapitated the man and proceeded to cut him up into a million pieces.

Goatee could feel more of Hannibal Lecter’s curried goats’ legs for satyrs coming out so he once again pulled down his Bermuda shorts and shit all over the inconsiderate asshole’s remains.

“I’ll have a lamb burger please,” a man at the restaurant drive-through spoke into the intercom as a copy of Thomas Harris’ novel The Silence of The Lambs lay on the car seat alongside him.

. . .

Two men were meeting in Helsinki, Finland 🇫🇮.

One was a partially bald headed man with the intense glare of a Siberian wolf to quote a great poet.

The other was a man wearing a toupee that was the colour of fur of a Welsh corgi to quote the same great poet.

The Welsh corgi coloured hair man was down on his knees in a doggy position as the partially bald headed man with the Siberian wolf stare sodomized him in his naked rear end.

“Thanks for the memories,” said the man in the lower position, “I hope you won’t be offended if I don’t tweet about this.”

“Nyet,” replied the man in the upper position.

. . .

Finnish President Sauli Niinisto was informed by the head of his country’s security services that a lobster dressed in a Japanese ninja mask and whose lobster claws contained a lethal dose of the most deadly of scorpion poisons had been intercepted at Finnish Customs in Helsinki in the possession of two British citizens.

. . .

“How was I to know that a Japanese-Finnish lobster trade war was currently underway?” British MP Renfield R. Renfield complained to his friend Amadeus Emanon as his plan to bump off two men in Helsinki was nipped in the bud thanks to the vigilance of Finnish Customs.

The two London private eyes that Renfield had hired and the Dr. Cadbury Rocher genetically created Japanese Ninja lobster assassin Shinigami were currently being held in custody in Helsinki awaiting the payment of the equivalent of the 6000% tariffs that Finland 🇫🇮 had applied to Japanese lobsters in the heated trade war between the two nations over the Maritime product.

. . .

Hades the Greek god of the underworld was sitting in his lavishly decorated banquet hall in Earth’s lower regions enjoying a lobster Flambé of Japanese lobsters.

He was celebrating the departure of the spirit of Julius Caesar from Purgatory (that he had granted without papal dispensation from Pope Francis).

Great Caesar’s ghost had been giving the Emperor Napoleon Bonaparte’s ghost Latin lessons while Napoleon in turn had been giving Caesar French lessons.

The long drawn out lessons had bored Hades’ 3-headed dog Cerberus to sleep allowing several souls to escape from the underworld.

Finally Hades decided to let Caesar’s ghost wander up on the earth’s surface for awhile.

Caesar’s ghost decided to enter a marble statue of himself located inside a Rome museum of antiquities.

After entering the statue, the first thing Caesar thought he would do is have a drink as he had not had a drink in over 2000 years.

It was then that Caesar discovered that he had chosen the wrong statue of himself to enter.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday July 16th
2018.

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Peter Whitstable: On The Trail of Demon Possessed Dogs In The English Countryside

July 15, 2018 at 11:14 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, Mythology, News, Romance, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , )

Peter Whitstable: On The Trail of Demon Possessed Dogs In The English Countryside

British MP Renfield R. Renfield remarked after watching Infowars Conspiracy Theorist Alex Jones on YouTube on his laptop, “This Alex Jones is an idiot for calling New York’s 14th Congressional District Democratic Party nominee Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez a Communist. The man doesn’t seem to know the difference between a Communist and a Eurosocialist.”

“And then of course,” Amadeus Emanon remarked in reply, “There’s British television interviewer Piers Morgan who’s an idiot for not knowing that journalist Ash Sarkar is a Communist when everyone else in Britain knows that Ash Sarkar is a self admitted Communist.”

“That was pretty funny,” Renfield smiled, “when pompous Piers said to her “You talk like a Communist” and Ash replied, “I am a Communist, you idiot.” “

. . .

Vladimir Putin lay down to rest.

Today he awarded the 2018 FIFA World Cup to France 🇫🇷.

Tomorrow he’d be meeting America’s Twitterer-In-Chief Donald Trump.

As Putin lay on his pillow, a raven flew in through the window and cried, “Beware the Lobsters of July!
Beware the Lobsters of July!”.

A bust of Pallas Athena fell off his bedroom writing table.

And a leather bound old volume copy of The Complete Works of Edgar Allan Poe fell off his book shelf.

The raven turned and flew out the window.

“What the Hell,” Putin wondered, “does that mean?”.

. . .

Peter Whitstable the Fox Mulder of Interpol was trekking through the English countryside.

A pair of demonically possessed dogs were running loose.

They had escaped after an exorcism attempt was performed on them by the Rev. Father Aidan Bury Saint Edmunds the vicar of Saint Swithin’s By The Floodwaters Parish Church.

They had then tried to attack U. S. President Donald Trump at a statue unveiling outside The Trump Arms Pub in London.

And now they were running lose in the English countryside creating chaos and havoc.

Eating sheep 🐑 and then regurgitating goats 🐐.

One of the demon possessed dogs used to be a Dachshund named Bashful.

He had now turned into a giant spectral wolfhound who was the Hound of The Baskervilles Reincarnated.

The other demon possessed dog was a Welsh corgi named Friendly.

He had since turned into a dog with the body of a Saint Bernard but he now had 3 heads- the head of a Rottweiler, the head of a Bassett hound and the head of a chihuahua.

Whitstable stumbled onto an English country pub.

He decided to go inside and ask them if they had seen the demon possessed dogs who were somewhat recognizable in appearance.

When he came through the door, he noticed to his surprise the ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith sitting on a chair at the end of the bar.

“Good evening, Mr. Whitstable,” she smiled her sweet Vampiric incisors at him, “Can you tell me where your friend Dracul Van Helsing is?”.

“What do you want with Van Helsing?” Whitstable asked.

At that moment, a copy of the Kama Sutra fell off one of the pub book shelves.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday July 15th
2018.

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Pan Goatee’s Saturday The 14th

July 14, 2018 at 10:56 pm (Avatar Speaks, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Politics, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

Pan Goatee’s Saturday The 14th

DARPA contract assassin and satyr serial killer Pan Goatee was once again in the City of Calgary this time to bump off the President of the meatpacking plant company that was owned by Southern Alberta cattle baron, Canadian Federal Liberal Party financier and enthusiastic Justin Trudeau supporter Flyen High a southern Alberta cattle baron who was said to have fed marijuana plants 🌱 to his beef cattle.

A few weeks ago, Pan Goatee had bumped off Flyen High and his death was announced by a tearful CBC news anchorman Peter Mansbridge on The National on CBC News.

Pan Goatee visited the grave of Flyen High in a Calgary cemetery and noticed that marijuana plants were already growing on it.

The epitaph on Flyen High’s tombstone read “Truly a great Canadian and a great Albertan”
-Prime Minister Justin Trudeau.

Pan Goatee was now in the neighbourhood where the President of the Meatpacking plant Flyen High Packers Company Mr. Token Potts lived.

Pan Goatee was feeling hungry so he decided to go to a nearby shopping mall and visited their food court.

He ordered a submarine sandwich from Subway in the food court.

As he sat there enjoying his Pulled Pork submarine sandwich, a fat ugly blimp appeared at the Subway counter and ordered a sub.

Goatee was about to reach for his laser machete to cut her head off when he remembered something that DARPA acting head Dr. Faustus Imhotep had said to him when he assigned the satyr serial killer and DARPA assassin Pan Goatee his mission (which had been ordered by a person at the top of the highest levels of the U.S. government who could be heard declining another portion of that “wretched Scottish haggis” in the background).

“Please do not call attention to yourself until you complete this mission,” Dr. Faustus Imhotep had requested.

Reluctantly Pan Goatee put his astral laser machete back in his belt holster.

He finished his submarine but was still feeling hungry.

He decided to go into a McDonald’s at the other end of the shopping mall parking lot and order a Big Mac.

As he walked towards the McDonald’s, he suddenly noticed the same fat ugly blimp (who was carrying a Subway bag) enter the McDonald’s.

“What!” Goatee shouted, “How did that fat ugly blimp get ahead of me. She must be demonically possessed somehow. Like all fat ugly blimps seem to be. She probably took that demonically inspired A Course In Miracles that’s recommended by that New Age airhead Oprah Winfrey.”

Pan Goatee then went around to the back of the McDonald’s restaurant building and cut a hole through the bricks with his astral laser machete.

“Surprise City of Calgary Health Department inspection,” Pan Goatee flashed a toy Western Sheriff’s badge (that he had purchased in a Dollar Variety Store) to the surprised McDonald’s manager and cooks as he walked into the kitchen from the newly created back entrance.

“Everything looks fine,” Goatee said as he passed the burgers 🍔 and fries 🍟, “but no fat ugly blimps allowed on the premises.”

He immediately beheaded the fat ugly blimp who was carrying the Subway bag.

He ordered a Big Mac and sat down.

He was enthusiastically asked for autographs by a group of Japanese children and teenagers who were in town visiting the Calgary Stampede rodeo which the pleasantly good natured satyr serial killer cheerfully obliged signing.

A little girl came and sat across from him after the Japanese tourists left.

Soon she was joined by her mother who turned out to be a fat ugly blimp.

Goatee immediately beheaded the woman.

He then beheaded her daughter as well.

“Just on the off chance she grows up to be a fat ugly blimp,” Goatee explained to a shocked couple of senior citizens sitting at a table, “alas for poor Oprah there goes another potential purchaser of A Course In Miracles.”

Goatee then spotted another fat ugly blimp by the customer pop machine but decided to spare this particular abomination from Hell as he decided to follow Dr. Faustus Imhotep’s advice about not drawing attention to himself.

Goatee went out the door where he walked to a bus stop 🚏 to catch the bus that went past Token Potts’ house.

Fortunately the only person standing there was a woman who looked like she could pass for a double of Bollywood actress Aishwarya Rai.

Having those looks, the woman’s life was spared by Pan Goatee.

As Pan Goatee looked in the direction the bus would be coming, his eyesight was suddenly assaulted by the visual appearance of the fat ugly blimp whose life he had spared by the pop machine inside McDonald’s.

“Oh shit!” Goatee shouted, “That’s what I get for being a nice guy!”.

He then pulled out his astral laser machete, ran down the street and beheaded the fat ugly blimp.

When he returned to the bus stop, the Aishwarya Rai lookalike was busy talking on her mobile phone so she did not notice the satyr’s uglocide.

“That’s good,” Goatee smiled, “maybe I should ask her for a date. Good thing she didn’t notice that. There are a few women out there who are reluctant to date serial killers.”

. . .

Donald Trump was enjoying a steaming dish of freshly caught wild Scottish brown trout after a day spent on his golf course in Scotland.

“This is excellent, Lexington,” Trump remarked to his English valet and butler.

“Thank you, sir,” Lexington replied.

“You know I’ve been thinking tonight about Manifest Destiny,” Trump combed his toupee in the style of Julius Caesar’s haircut.

“Yours, sir?” Lexington sighed.

“No, America’s,” Trump remarked, “The vision of Manifest Destiny by America’s founders not only entailed an America stretching from the Atlantic to the Pacific but an America stretching from the Gulf of Mexico to the Arctic Ocean as well. So I really think I should order the invasion and annexation of Canada.
It will also help put an end to Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau’s idiotic policy of allowing more Muslim immigrants into Canada which puts more Muslims on our borders as well.”

“Invade and annex Canada?” Lexington as a British subject was genuinely shocked.

“Why not? After all, Hitler invaded and annexed Austria in 1938,” Trump pointed out, “And what’s good enough for Adolf Hitler is good enough for me.”

. . .

As Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu ordered the hammering of Hamas positions in the Gaza Strip, a black jaguar strolled across the Temple Mount.

The Black Jaguar contained the spirit of a powerful sorcerer as well as the spirit of Night Sun the Jaguar God of the Mayan Underworld.

Baphomet (the living embodiment of the idol of the Knights-Templar) stood on the Temple Mount and shouted, “Hail to the Black Jaguar.”

The Black Jaguar smiled.

Full scale war all over the Middle East would soon be breaking out.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday July 14th
2018.

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Dogs Instinctively Know Bad People From Good

July 12, 2018 at 10:42 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, News, Politics, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Dogs Instinctively Know Bad People From Good

Peter Whitstable the Fox Mulder of Interpol received an email from New York City’s Interpol office saying that the Mexican Consul-General in New York City Juan Diego Garcia had been assassinated by an unknown female assassin by one of the side doors of the Episcopal Cathedral of Saint John the Divine in New York City.

Senor Garcia had gone to Saint John the Divine for a meeting with some of the city’s church ⛪, mosque 🕌 and synagogue 🕍 clergy to discuss an organized religious opposition to Donald Trump’s proposed wall on the U.S. – Mexico border.

Due to his sudden beheading by the sexy unknown female assassin who pulled a carving knife from her panties underneath her skirt, he was unable to attend the meeting.

Interpol New York asked Whitstable if he knew the identity of the unknown woman who was captured on video camera and whose video of her criminal action went viral on the Internet.

. . .

U.S. President Donald Trump was attending a sculpture unveiling outside The Trump Arms pub in London.

He was applauded by a group of 100 Trump supporters, Brexit opponents and ultra British nationalists.

Police were on hand to hold back the crowds of Trump opponents which was 90% of the City of London.

Trump had had a hectic past couple of days.

He spent yesterday at the NATO summit insulting German Chancellor Angela Merkel and spent today in London insulting British Prime Minister Theresa May.

How To Win Friends and Influence People was definitely not a bestseller Mr. Trump would be writing anytime in the near future.

The statue he would be unveiling tonight would be of himself Donald Trump depicted as a statue called Christ of The Sermon On The Wall.

The sculpture was done by an ultra-nationalist English Brexit supporter and immigrant opponent.

The sculpture showed Trump in Christ like robes and Christ like pose delivering a sermon standing on a wall dividing the U.S. from Mexico rather than the Mount of Beatitudes near Capernaum where Jesus of Nazareth once preached.

Standing in the crowd awaiting the unveiling with a huge smile on his face was the recently created Vatican Cardinal Samhain Salaman the newly installed Archbishop of the newly created Welsh diocese of Llanthony Abbey and The Black Mountains.

Up until a few months ago, Salaman had been a professional stage magician and master illusionist who performed under the stage name Salaman The Magician.

“Ladies and gentlemen and those of you who are miserable opponents,” Trump began his speech, “I very much deserve this great honour that has been bestowed upon me- being depicted as Christ the Saviour of The World. In my humble and modest opinion, no one living on the earth at this moment in time deserves it more. As you know this coming autumn, my son-in-law Jared Kushner will be unveiling a comprehensive Middle East peace plan that will win me this year’s Nobel Peace Prize and we’ll all be able to finally shout in words I believe that Christ himself once used, “Peace and safety.”

The crowd immediately in front of The Trump Arms Pub applauded.

“The Romans which included that Roman who was most like me- Julius Caesar had a saying, “Unleash the dogs of war”, Trump laughed, “but with this statue unveiling, I say unleash the doves of peace.”

Trump unveiled the statue and standing there growling were two monstrously huge demonically possessed dogs- a giant spectral wolfhound and a three headed Saint Bernard with the head of a Rottweiler, the head of a Bassett Hound and the head of a chihuahua for its three heads.

The giant spectral wolfhound who was the Reincarnated Hound of The Baskervilles had been a Dachshund called Bashful prior to becoming demonically possessed.

And the three headed Saint Bernard with the head of a Rottweiler, Bassett Hound and chihuahua who was called the Neo-Modernist Cerberus For Our Times had been a Welsh corgi called Friendly before becoming demonically possessed.

The two dogs had become demonically possessed as a result of fooling around with a Ouija board.

An exorcism attempt had been performed on the pair by the Rev. Father Aidan Bury Saint Edmunds the vicar of Saint Swithin’s By The Floodwaters Parish Church and his volunteer assistant Tewkesbury In The Cotswolds MP Renfield R. Renfield.

The demonic duo however had broken their iron chain and leash that held them and bounded into the English countryside where they somehow managed to end up under the tent that covered the now vanished statue of Trump As The Christ of The Sermon On The Wall.

Samhain Cardinal Salaman The Magician smiled as he pulled the actual handkerchief of Queen Anne Boleyn out of his pocket.

The two demon possessed dogs meanwhile chased Trump into the arms of the Baby Trump temper tantrum throwing rubber inflatable that had just become dislodged from its moorings.

. . .

Meanwhile a video surfaced showing another dog’s reaction to a rising young American political leader New York’s 14th Congressional District Democratic Party nominee Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez:

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday July 12th
2018.

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Panty Goatee and The Episcopal Cathedral of Saint John The Divine

July 11, 2018 at 10:55 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, News, Politics, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , )

Panty Goatee and The Episcopal Cathedral of Saint John The Divine

Belvedere the ghost of the Ghost White Salamander and an amphibian spectral reporter for the Times of London was here in New York City.

He was visiting the Episcopal Cathedral of Saint John The Divine in New York City.

He was here to interview the ghost of the late Episcopalian Bishop James Albert Pike about being asked by Pope Francis to compose a new version of the Lord’s Prayer (to be renamed the Hermaphrodite Comrade General-Secretary’s Prayer) for a new ecumenical Mass that was being designed by a top secret interfaith committee of Roman Catholics, Lutherans and Anglicans.

Pike’s ghost was currently visiting New York’s Episcopal Cathedral of Saint John The Divine where he had served as Dean of the Cathedral for six years from 1952 to 1958 prior to being elected bishop coadjutor of California and then succeeding to the see a few months later after the death of his predecessor.

Maintaining the episcopal arrogance he was noted for when he was alive, Bishop Pike still refused to believe in the existence of Hell despite roasting away on a spit in Tartarus for the past 49 years.

He had been granted a temporary dispensation of absence by Hades the Greek god of the Underworld after a request from Pope Francis that he do so.

Belvedere stood outside the side entrance of the Cathedral when the statue of a gargoyle fell on top of him.

He jumped out of the way forgetting that he was a ghost and could not be killed a second time.

Who did that? Belvedere wondered to himself.

He had talked to the famous London private eyes Magog Rhys Petley and Agathor Christie before leaving London for New York.

They had told him they were on a secret mission for the British government and would be flying to Helsinki next week.

Despite pressing for more details, the pair refused to divulge anymore to the spectral amphibian reporter.

Although they kept ordering more sushi 🍣 for the ninja mask wearing lobster in the small aquarium next to their table in the Japanese restaurant they were dining in.

Magog and Agathor told Belvedere that they had visited St. John The Divine Episcopal Cathedral last summer where they saw Shiva the Hindu god of destruction and transformation walking around.

They weren’t sure whether the Hindu deity was on a mission of destruction or transformation or both.

Belvedere said he would be on the lookout for any signs of Shiva on this occasion.

The ghostly salamander’s thoughts retuned to the broken gargoyle that lay on the sidewalk beside him.

It was then that he saw her- a beautiful blue and white haired and tattooed young woman wearing a sexy skirt, absinthe green coloured corset and super spiked stiletto high-heeled shoes.

The woman lifted her skirt and pulled a butcher’s meat cleaver knife out of her panties and then cut the head off a man who was trying to enter the side door of the Cathedral.

“My God,” shouted a campaign worker for New York 14th Congressional District Democratic Party nominee Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez, “that woman outside the door of the Cathedral there just murdered the Mexican Consul-General in New York City.”

The ghost of a New York Shakespearean actor who had been famous in the 19th Century for playing the character of Snout in A Midsummer Night’s Dream shouted, “Beware all opponents of the wall for you are being targeted.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday July 11th
2018.

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Dr. Faustus Imhotep Unveils Panty Goatee

July 9, 2018 at 11:48 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, Mythology, News, Politics, Romance, Science-Fiction, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

Dr. Faustus Imhotep Unveils Panty Goatee

“Guess who may become Prime Minister of Britain 🇬🇧 in the next few weeks?” British MP Renfield R. Renfield asked his good friend Amadeus Emanon.

“Who?” Amadeus Emanon inquired of Renfield as he was about to eat the first of half a dozen steak sandwiches he had ordered from Cato’s Catering.

“Me,” Renfield grinned.

For the second time in two weeks, Amadeus Emanon put his knife and fork 🍴 aside as he lost his appetite.

“How did this come about?” Amadeus stared blankly into space.

“Through the resignations of David Davis as Brexit Secretary and Boris Johnson as Foreign Secretary,” Renfield explained, “There’s a terrible split in both the Conservative Cabinet and the Conservative Party over Prime Minister Theresa May’s Brexit deal with the European Union 🇪🇺. The government may collapse at any moment.”

“So how does that help you become Prime Minister?” Amadeus buried his head in his hands.

“Well,” Renfield grabbed the knife and fork and proceeded to start eating the first of his friend’s steak 🥩 sandwiches, “rather than call an election and face the possibility of another hung government (maybe quite literally hung), Her Most Gracious Majesty The Queen wants the Conservatives and Labour to join together in a coalition National Unity Government with me serving as Prime Minister and head of the coalition National Unity government since Her Majesty believes that I’m the current contemporary British MP who is most like the first Prime Minister of her long reign who was none other than Sir Winston Churchill.”

Amadeus stared solemnly as Renfield started eating the second of his steak 🥩 sandwiches after finishing the first.

“So since I’m about to become Prime Minister, I’m afraid I can’t fly to Helsinki next week carrying the genetically created Japanese Ninja lobster assassin Shinigami to bump off two individuals who are holding an important meeting there on July 16th. One individual has to be killed as vengeance for the Novichok caused death of British citizen Dawn Sturgess and the other individual has to be killed for insulting the Prime Minister of a British Commonwealth country. Therefore I’ve hired the famous London private eyes (and former MPs) Magog Rhys Petley and Agathor Christie (and got them temporary licenses to kill from Her Majesty’s Government) to carry Shinigami into the country.
Dr. Cadbury Rocher finally perfected his latest genetic creation this past June 28th. Shinigami now has a deadly dose of the most fatal scorpion 🦂 poison within his lobster claws. And his handlers (i.e. Agathor and Magog) will be wearing special gloves 🧤 so they will not be subject to the poison. I’ve since bought stock in Russian and U.S. state funeral catering companies based on this insider information so I can make tons of money after these two individuals kick the bucket thanks to Shinigami’s poisoned dipped lobster claws.”

Amadeus looked on wistfully after Renfield had demolished the third of the half dozen steak 🥩 sandwiches.

Then an idea 💡 occurred to him.

“Do you remember a couple of weeks ago, you were trying to find the personal phone number of New York’s 14th Congressional District Democratic Party nominee Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez?” Amadeus smiled.

“Oh yes?” Renfield paused just before taking a bite of the 4th steak 🥩 sandwich.

“Well, Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders’ Private Secretary phoned you (while you were out preaching the Good News of Transhumanism to female workers in London’s Red Light District) just before she leaves on a 4-week undisclosed personal vacation with Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s number. A number I wrote down.”

“Great!” Renfield grinned like the Cheshire Cat about to devour the world’s largest tuna fish sandwich and laid aside both his fork and the plate of the uneaten 4th steak 🥩 sandwich, “What is it?”.

Amadeus continued smiling, “Well I wrote it down and also didn’t memorize it. I left it on the table by the front door and the new cleaning lady for the mansion ripped it up into hundreds of pieces and threw it in the garbage can outside. And as you know, garbage pickup is today.
So I’m afraid the number is lost to you for the next 4 weeks.”

As Renfield stared blankly into space for the next 5 minutes, Amadeus went to the kitchen drawer and got himself a clean knife and fork 🍴 and proceeded to eat the last 3 steak sandwiches.

. . .

Pope Francis was meeting with one of his newest appointed cardinals Samhain Cardinal Salaman (who prior to being elevated to the Vatican College of Cardinals worked as a stage magician by trade under the name Salaman the Magician).

Up until his appointment, Salaman wasn’t even Catholic (he had been an adherent of the Black Magic aspects of Jewish Kabbalistic mysticism).

But after Pope Francis had talked him into being a Cardinal, he was baptized a Catholic, confirmed a Catholic, ordained a deacon, ordained a priest, consecrated a bishop and then elevated to the Cardinalate all on the same day.

Salaman was also named the Archbishop of the newly created Welsh Diocese of Llanthony Abbey and the Black Mountains.

Francis was discussing with the new Cardinal Samhain Salaman his plans for a new ecumenical Mass that was being worked on by a committee of Roman Catholics, Lutherans and Anglicans.

Francis desired a new version of the Lord’s Prayer (Christ’s original wasn’t good enough for the 21st Century in his enlightened papal opinion) for the new Mass.

For that purpose, Francis had asked Hades the Greek god of the Underworld to release the spirit of the 1960s U.S. Episcopal bishop of California the Right Reverend James Albert Pike from the fires 🔥 of Tartarus to come up to Earth’s surface and write a new version of the Lord’s Prayer for the new Mass.

Francis and Cardinal Samhain Salaman were now reading the first draft of the late Bishop Pike’s literary masterpiece,

“Our transgendered parent who’s far out of this world,
Groovy is your name…”

. . .

Dr. Faustus Imhotep the acting head of DARPA was about to unveil his latest genetic creation and agency assassin Panty Goatee to General Custer Eastmoreland the U.S. Army General responsible for overseeing DARPA.

Panty Goatee was the genetically cloned twin sister of DARPA contract assassin and satyr serial killer Pan Goatee.

Dr. Faustus Imhotep had given the U.S. Twitterer-In-Chief a sneak preview of Panty Goatee back on May 13th of this year but the Donald had thrown a major spaz attack and pulled out his toupee upon seeing her.

The reason?

The Donald did not like her furry style goat 🐐 legs.

He ordered Dr. Faustus Imhotep to have Panty lose the fur.

So after rechecking the DNA formula, he did some genetic tweaking and managed to eliminate the fur off her legs.

Now Dr. Faustus Imhotep was showing General Custer Eastmoreland the new and improved Panty Goatee.

After taking off the Harry Potter and Severus Snape emblazoned curtains, Dr. Faustus Imhotep unveiled Panty Goatee to the general:

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday July 9th 2018

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Reblog- Aztec Vampiress Qonzilqointec and The Roswell UFO Crash

July 8, 2018 at 10:18 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, Romance, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec in mourning for the victims of the Roswell crash

A vampire novel chapter I posted a year ago yesterday on the 70th Anniversary of the Roswell crash- a crash that UFO 🛸 enthusiasts believe was of an extraterrestrial 👽 spacecraft that contained the bodies of ET grays.

Dracul Van Helsing

Qonzilqointec On 70th Anniversary of Roswell UFO Crash

French UFO researcher Jacques Vallee was sipping cognac and reflecting on how it was 70 years ago today that a UFO flying saucer was said to have crashed on a ranch near the town of Roswell New Mexico.

Later the crashed vehicle was said to be just a downed weather balloon.

Although others had speculated that the crashed vehicle was a self-conscious self-aware Hoover vacuum cleaner that had a premonitory vision of the message implied in Richard Bach’s 1970s bestseller Jonathan Livingston Seagull.

Vallee didn’t know what to think about the incident.

ET better phone the nearest American Automobile Association Auto Club, was that what happened ? Vallee wondered.

His housekeeper entered the room to tell Vallee about two phone calls for him.

Mikhail Gorbachev was on Line 1 and Pope Francis was on Line 2.

. . .

Canadian Prime Minister…

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