Cavorting With The Three Musketeers On A Wet and Rainy Evening
A poster from the 2011 film version of The Three Musketeers
Raining all day
But I still feel like going
For an evening walk
I open the door
And step outside
It’s not only very cold
And very wet
But also very windy
I feel like I’m splashed by ocean waves
With no ocean present
I step back inside
Reluctantly I turn on the TV
And I’m reminded of a line
Spoken by the arch villain
John Doe
In the ’90s TV series
Lois and Clark:
The New Adventures of Superman
“Do you know what the future is,
Lois? Clark?
The future is 200 TV channels
And still nothing on.”
More prescient words
were never spoken
on a TV episode.
There is one channel
That shows movies
On weeknights
But mostly films
About smashing up cars
Blowing up cars
Blowing up buildings
Or blowing up space ships
I usually turn the channel off
About 2 minutes in
And think to myself,
“Too bad Vin Diesel
wouldn’t be struck and killed
by a diesel van.”
But tonight I turn on that channel
And it’s The Three Musketeers
2011 film version
Which I haven’t seen
2 and 1/2 hours of enjoyable entertainment
I sit back and recount my first encounter
with The Three Musketeers
A Classics Illustrated Comic Book
Back in elementary school
Alexandre Dumas’ novel itself
In paperback
A gift from my parents
A couple of birthdays later
Later as a film buff
I’ve encountered various versions
Of The Three Musketeers
1930s version
1940s version
Then ’50s, ’60s, ’70s, ’80s and ’90s
And now the 2011 version
It all takes me back to reading that comic book
For the first time
And dreaming of being a swashbuckling musketeer
Outwitting Cardinal Richelieu
and outfoxing Milady de Winter
Being with D’Artagnan and the Three Musketeers
Aramis, Athos and Porthos
is like being with old friends
And what better way to spend
A wet, cold and rainy evening
Than indoors with old friends.
-A poem written by Christopher
Monday May 24th 2021
Lilith In The Graveyard Garden of Good and Evil
The ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith in the graveyard garden of good and evil
British MP Renfield R. Renfield was doing another one of his Sunday night podcasts:
“Just an important historical note of interest, which if shown to be correct, will be noted by future historians.
Here’s the gist:
A final political showdown is coming January 6th as the U.S. Congress meets to elect CCP stooge Joe Biden as President.
The 1st American Civil War began on April 12th 1861 just 13 days after the previous Easter Sunday (March 31st 1861).
Will the 2nd American Civil War begin on January 7th 2021 just 13 days after the previous Christmas Day?
History has a strange way of balancing itself out in such occurrences.”
-Renfield R. Renfield British MP
. . .
The body of Yaldabaoth the Irish leprechaun was rushed from Dublin Ireland to London England by the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set’s eco-friendly environmentally friendly cannabis powered dirigible airship the High Calypso.
It was assumed that the cause of Yaldabaoth’s death was the Lakota Sioux Princess Tanaka wearing a killer outfit.
However after an operation carried out by a surgical suit wearing Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster wearing a surgical mask and using his surgical gloved lobster claws to perform an incision, it was determined that the cause of death was Yaldabaoth’s eating poisoned lutefisk.
After a quick check of the Irish High King Brian Boru’s Medieval Treatise On Leprechaun Ailments (a copy of which was found in the billionaire vampire Set’s library and rare book collection), apparently eating poisoned lutefisk was one of the few things that could kill a usually immortal leprechaun.
After visualizing London dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes wearing a killer outfit (which caused his lobster tank to explode), Michelangelo went into a trance and saw the circumstances which led to Yaldabaoth’s death.
Apparently after visiting the CERN Large Hadron Collidor tunnel in Switzerland, Yaldabaoth had gone to Rome to see the Vatican’s ugly looking Nativity display (which was put up to welcome the arrival of an alien ET saviour who graduated with a degree in New York School of Art Abstract Surrealist and Neo-Modernist Studies).
After barfing all over the Vatican Nativity display, Yaldabaoth then wandered the halls of the Vatican.
At first he thought he had entered a gay bath house but after viewing classical and Renaissance works of art in the halls and on the walls, the wee leprechaun deduced that he was indeed inside the Vatican.
Yaldabaoth went into a room where some Vatican Cardinals had prepared a New Year’s Day feast for their fellow cardinal Robert Cardinal Sarah of Guinea the prefect of the Vatican Congregation For Divine Worship and The Discipline of the Sacraments.
The feast, which consisted of large portions of poisoned Norwegian lutefisk, had been made by a group of atheistic Marxist Cardinals hoping to bump off Cardinal Robert Sarah who was a devout Catholic Christian.
Yaldabaoth, who was starting to feel hungry after having previously barfed all over the Vatican’s Nativity display, then proceeded to eat up all the poisoned lutefisk.
And in so doing saved Robert Cardinal Sarah’s life.
. . .
The ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith next to Edgar Allan Poe’s grave in the cemetery of the Westminster Presbyterian Church in Baltimore Maryland
The ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith was kneeling in the cemetery of the Westminster Presbyterian Church in Baltimore, Maryland.
She was kneeling in front of Edgar Allan Poe’s grave.
A group of mischievous Irish leprecauns living in Baltimore had put up Irish Celtic crosses atop Poe’s grave and graves next to it that would have caused the Ulster Irish Presbyterian pastor Rev. Ian Paisley of Belfast Northern Ireland to pull his hair out if he had still been alive and seen it.
It was a moonlit night in Baltimore, as billionaire Elon Musk who had just built himself an artificial moon and was giving a full moon trial test run over Baltimore on this lovely windswept evening, and so the moonlight shone down on top of Lilith in front of Poe’s burial place.
The artificial full moonlight of Elon Musk’s artificial moon was causing mysterious looking red roses to grow all over the cemetery.
A raven flew down atop Poe’s gravemarker and croaked “Nevermore”.
Indeed it would be the last time the Raven would croak Nevermore for he croaked shortly thereafter.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday December 3rd
2021.
Dawn Embrace
Their kiss welcomed the break of dawn
As morning dove sang a welcome song
far from the far-off battle throng
Knowing this embrace might be their last
Let not this moment go by fast
In each generation, evil raises its cruel slithering head
filling so many lands with much fear and dread
And those noble in soul must rise to the charge
to slay that evil before it grows too large
When evil arises, many are called to make sacrifice
And often one’s own life must bear the price
At times just due to fatal roll of the dice
But for one moment, call a halt to the sands of time
let this moment be captured in verse and rhyme
Let one more kiss do impart
Lest one must fall to death’s dire dart
And return no more full of body and soul
Leaving a grieving heart with a pierced hole.
-A poem written by Christopher
Saturday September 19th 2020.
If Orson Welles Had Lived His Life As A Black Cat…
If Orson Welles had lived his life as a black cat:
How Orson As A Black Cat Would Have Performed A Shakespearian Soliquy From MacBeth:
Is this a can of tuna fish I see before me?
Come let me clutch thee.
I have thee not and yet I see thee still
In form as palpable as this which now I draw…
Orson as the Black Cat produces a sketch of Vincent Van Gogh minus an ear.
How Orson As A Black Cat Would Have Done Citizen Kane:
Now is the winter of our discontent
For young master’s sled is gravely bent
And do you think when it hit the kitty litter
Which caused everyone’s nose to flitter
And caused me to say, aye there’s the rub
It would come up smelling like a rosebud?
How Orson As A Black Cat Would Have Recited Poe’s The Raven:
Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore-
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of someone gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door,
“Tis the pizza delivery those silly humans have ordered,”
Quoth I, “only this and nothing more.”
How Orson As A Black Cat Would Have Recited His Lines In
Tennessee Williams’ Cat On A Hot Tin Roof:
Orson as Black Cat (playing the cat ON the hot tin roof):
Me-Owww! Me-Owww! Me-Owww!
If Orson Welles had lived his life as a black cat
-written by Christopher
Thursday September 3rd
2020
The Beautiful Annabel Lee
The beautiful Annabel Lee walked up the stairs of the old mansion
Carson Cody Albion the Los Angeles Private Eye was working on an unusual case.
He had recently been hired by a Dr. Lionel Jarrett who was a Professor of Classics at the University of Saskatchewan in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, Canada to check out an old allegedly haunted mansion in San Francisco.
Dr. Jarrett, from Albion’s understanding of the man, often engaged in unusual research.
Jarrett had recently tracked down an oil painting of the Greek mythological tragic figure Medusa that had been painted by writer Oscar Wilde.
Albion had received an email from Dr. Jarrett last night.
The collector of rare and unusual antiquities had just purchased the Wilde painting of Medusa from an art gallery in London, England called The Dashwood Forrest Art Gallery.
In addition to tracking down Wilde’s paintings of mythological themes, Dr. Jarrett was also interested in the writings and life of writer Edgar Allan Poe.
Poe apparently knew a woman named Annabel Lee in Baltimore in 1849, Dr. Jarrett discovered from examining a collection of letters from a family called Lee.
Annabel found the writer somewhat creepy and therefore left Baltimore for California.
Annabel told a friend to tell Poe that she (Annabel) had died so he wouldn’t follow her to California.
Poe apparently didn’t take the news of Annabel Lee’s death very well.
Although he did write a good poem from it.
Even creepily imagining that they had known one another since youth.
Annabel Lee went to San Francisco where she apparently bought herself a beautiful mansion.
A few years later she died in an unusual thunder storm when she was struck by lightning.
People to this day, apparently, still report seeing her ghost walking up the stairs of her San Francisco mansion.
Dr. Jarrett had asked Albion to visit the mansion to see if he could get a photo of her ghost.
Albion had gone to the mansion with an old black and white camera.
At the stroke of midnight, she appeared walking up the elegant stairwell of the old mansion.
. . .
“You know what’s crazy, man?” Joe Biden in his basement was addressing his pet pot smoking desert cactus plant Sweet Dementia, “I had a dream last night where the ghost of Edgar Allan Poe appeared to me and put a ghostly spectral millstone around my neck. Why would he put a millstone around my neck?”.
Sweet Dementia said nothing but continued to exhale marijuana smoke.
. . .
As Carson Cody Albion was taking a photo of the beautiful Annabel Lee’s ghost, British MP Renfield R. Renfield was in London reading a dossier that the Set Enterprises Intelligence Unit had put together on Joe Biden’s Vice-Presidential running mate Kamala Harris.
Apparently when Ms. Harris was San Francisco District Attorney from 2004 to 2011, she refused to prosecute cases of priests’ sexual abuse within the Archdiocese of San Francisco.
Not one single case did she prosecute.
She was the only District Attorney among all the District Attorneys in the top 50 metropolitan areas across the U.S. not to lay any charges against Catholic clergy for valid accusations of sexual abuse.
If you looked at the top 50 metropolitan areas in the U.S during that time period of 2004 to 2011, 49 of those prosecuted at least one case, the sole exception being Kamala Harris in San Francisco.
Who prosecuted not a single case.
After first being elected District Attorney, Ms. Harris terminated her predecessor’s plans to publicly release “clergy abuse files” naming names of priests accused of sexual abuse.
Her predecessor Terence Hallinan talked about the fact that he was going to pursue prosecutions. He was going to release records to the public as had been done in various other jurisdictions across the country.
Unfortunately for Mr. Hallinan and the numerous victims of priestly sexual abuse in the San Francisco Archdiocese, Hallinan lost the 2003 election to Kamala Harris.
When Kamala Harris came in, she deep-sixed those documents and put them under seal so they could never be released publicly.
Why would Kamala Harris do this?, Renfield wondered as he turned the page.
The next page had the answer.
The law firms and lawyers who represented the Archdiocese of San Francisco gave large contributions to Harris’ political campaign.
Some of them had never given contributions to a District Attorney electoral race before but they loaded up her campaign coffers.
Money talks like the old saying goes.
Renfield read further.
. . .
Kamala Harris screamed when she woke up in her hotel room.
For standing there was the ghost of Edgar Allan Poe holding a ghostly spectral millstone.
Poe’s ghost put the spectral ghostly millstone around her neck.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday August 14th
2020.
Uncle Ernie, The Koala With Chlamydia and Eulogy For Falstaff
Back on July 14th of this year, the satanic old bat Ruth Bader Ginsburg had to be hospitalized at John Hopkins University in Baltimore, Maryland.
The cause of her hospitalization was that notorious Australian entertainer and queen of the outback drag queens better known as Uncle Ernie.
Uncle Ernie was flown from the Australian outback (where he was found out back making unsanctioned pharmaceuticals) to Washington DC in the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set’s cannabis oil powered environmentally friendly eco-friendly dirigible.
Uncle Ernie had been hired by Set to give a private performance for Justice Ginsburg in her private chambers’ personal washroom in the Supreme Court Building in Washington DC.
Uncle Ernie went into the Supreme Court Building dressed as Marlene Dietrich in the 1930 German film The Blue Angel when her character of cabaret singer Lola-Lola sang the song Falling In Love Again.
Ginsburg entered her private washroom cubicle just as Uncle Ernie exited.
Uncle Ernie dressed as the fishnet wearing Marlene Dietrich held a stuffed toy koala bear between his legs as he performed his rarely ever requested musical dance number that he had entitled The Koala With Chlamydia.
The site of Uncle Ernie dressed as Marlene Dietrich’s character of Lola-Lola from The Blue Angel holding a stuffed toy koala bear between his legs as he sang The Koala With Chlamydia to the tune of the song Falling In Love Again was too much for satanic old bat Ruth Bader Ginsburg to handle.
Her heart gave out on her.
She was taken to John Hopkins University in Baltimore, Maryland.
The demons Baal and Baphomet quickly found a beautiful young vampiress (who had been a vampiress less than a year) and ripped her heart out giving it to Ruth Bader Ginsburg as a replacement.
Then two days ago, Ruth Bader Ginsburg was reviewing some music videos that the Democratic National Committee was thinking of playing at the virtual Democratic Party convention online at the moment senility prone Joe Biden announced his Vice-Presidential running mate.
And one of the videos was of Uncle Ernie dressed as Marlene Dietrich from The Blue Angel and holding a stuffed toy koala bear between his fishnet legs as he performed his rarely ever requested musical dance number The Koala With Chlamydia.
This was again too much for satanic old bat Ruth Bader Ginsburg to handle.
Once again the demons Baal and Baphomet quickly found a beautiful young vampiress (who had been a vampiress less than a year) and ripped her heart out giving it to Ruth Bader Ginsburg as a replacement.
Today Ruth Bader Ginsburg was released from a New York City hospital.
She was wheeled in her wheelchair past a group of supporters- a bunch of pro-abortion women who were all wearing mandatory face masks and all wearing t-shirts that read NO GOVERNMENT IS TELLING ME WHAT I CAN DO WITH MY BODY.
. . .
The ghosts of Orson Welles, Sir John Gielgud and Sir Laurence Olivier were all sitting as social distancing spectral judges in the front row of the Old Vic Theatre in London.
They were judging an online competition where livestream video performances were shown on the wall at the back of the stage.
The performance being judged was Mistress Quickly’s eulogy on Falstaff delivered in Act II, scene iii of Shakespeare’s Henry V.
The last contestant was from Australia.
Uncle Ernie dressed as Marlene Dietrich from The Blue Angel and holding a toy stuffed koala bear between his legs.
Uncle Ernie stroked and played with the bear as he recited his lines:
Nay sure, he’s not in Hell!
He’s in Arthur’s bosom,
if ever man went to Arthur’s bosom.
He made a finer end
and went away an it
had it been any christom child.
He parted ev’n just between twelve and one
ev’n at the turnin’ o’ the tide;
for after I saw him fumble with the sheets
and play with flowers
and smile upon his finger’s end….
…So he cried out ‘God!’ ‘God’! ‘God’! three or four times!
Now, I, to comfort him,
bid him he should not think of God…
… So he bade me lay more clothes upon his feet.
I put my hand into the bed and felt them,
and they were as cold as any stone.
Then I felt to his knees,
and so upward and upward,
and all was as cold as any stone.
With that Uncle Ernie as Mistress Quickly finished his eulogy for Falstaff.
The ghost of Orson Welles quickly downed a 10 litre spectral bottle of spectral red wine.
After a pause of about half an hour, Welles remarked, “That’s a performance of Mistress Quickly’s eulogy for Falstaff that I’ll never forget.”
The ghosts of Olivier and Gielgud nodded their assent.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday July 31st
2020.
Young Sherlock Meets The Maiden of Glencoe
The Maiden of Glencoe
It was the summer of 1870
Otto von Bismarck was up to no good
as far as the French were concerned
On July 15th the French Army mobilized
The North German Confederation
responded with its own mobilization
later that same day.
A day later July 16th
The French Parliament
voted to declare
war on Prussia.
Due to lengthy wine and cheese breaks
among French postal service employees
and lengthy beer and Wiener Schnitzel breaks
among German postal service employees
The declaration of war didn’t reach Berlin
until 3 days later
July 19th 1870
when the war officially began.
But that was a couple of days away
For this was July 17th 1870
and young Sherlock Holmes
wasn’t all that concerned
with Europe’s geopolitical problems anyways
as he strode through the highlands of Scotland
He was walking through the valley of Glencoe
site of the infamous massacre of Glencoe
that took place on February 13th 1692
in which 30 members of the Clan MacDonald of Glencoe
were brutally murdered by members of the Campbell family
Sherlock had a sturdy staff in hand
as he walked
and talked to his imaginary friend
a talking bear
that he called Doctor Clawson
“Well, Clawson,” young Sherlock lit his imaginary pipe,
“This is the site of the Glencoe Massacre.
What do you make of it?”.
“Where’s all the blood, Holmes?”
Clawson asked
as he took in the spellbinding scenery.
“You’ve glanced through my history textbooks but obviously never read them,”
Holmes deduced as he blew imaginary smoke ,
“The Glencoe Massacre happened almost 200 years ago.
The blood has probably long dried up since then.”
“Well then if I was a vampire, I’d be shit out of luck,”
the colourful talking bear with the rather colourful vocabulary
remarked.
“Up among the heather…” young Sherlock started dancing like a young English public school boy dandy
as the imaginary bear Clawson covered his eyes in shock and horror
He had obviously put too much fruit helpings on his porridge this morning, Clawson deduced about young Sherlock
Sherlock stopped dancing like a dandy
when he went up over the hill
and came upon this vision below him
The Maiden of Glencoe
Young Sherlock let go of the wooden staff in his hand
and dropped his imaginary pipe
spilling non-existent ash over the heather
when he saw the maiden.
“Heavens above!” Young Sherlock gasped.
Their conversation began with a tete a tete
moved to a fete a fete
and climaxed with a pet a pet
Doctor Clawson looked on in horror
The fact that young Sherlock
would someday lose his virginity
was something the talking bear
had never deduced would happen
in his wildest dreams.
And it was after this
that Doctor Clawson the imaginary talking bear
wound up abandoned on the shelf of toys
where he would be joined by Little Jackie Piper’s friend
Puff the Magic Dragon
90 or so years later.
-A poem written by Christopher
Friday July 17th 2020.
Toad of Toad Hall: Flirting In The Edwardian Age
Toad of Toad Hall thought he had it all
even though his Rolls-Royce lost a duel with brick wall
He thought he’d venture forth to London for a few days
As cows ate his flower show flowers during their mid-morning graze
So he would not win this year’s flower show’s top prize
but it would spare the judges allergic tear swelling eyes
With his Rolls-Royce back from the blacksmith looking good as new
He invited Rat, Mole and Badger to join his city venturing crew
To London they went and stayed at a grand hotel
Just up from the palace in a district so swell
Rat, Mole and Badger went to visit city markets
While Toad set his eyes on more pleasing targets
He went backstage to a London theatre show
And entered an actress’ dressing room with his heart all aglow
He got thrown out in the lane with fake theatre stage snow
And left London claiming entry in Oxford’s Thames boat row.
Famous London stage actress Lily Elsie to the London Daily News:
“I did not have any sort of relations with that toad Toad of Toad Hall.”
-A poem written by Christopher
Tuesday July 7th 2020.
Toad of Toad Hall: An Early July Evening’s Dream
Toad of Toad Hall was having a ball
but forgetting to send invitations to all
He spent the evening dancing by himself
And looking at all those bottles of booze on the shelf
“If I drank them all, I’d have quite the hangover
And wouldn’t be sober enough to spot a 4-leaf clover”
So Toad went upstairs and gazed at his portrait
“My God, you look resplendent, my mate”.
The portrait was painted by Amedeo Modigliani
And showed Toad smacking a maidservant on the fanny
He was warned not to show the portrait to suffragettes
Or he might lose some body parts not so repairable by vets.
Toad went downstairs and sat in his favourite chair
And thought to himself, “How green’s my underwear”
He got his valet to bring him some absinthe
because Toad of Toad Hall lacked common sense
And having partook much of the Green Fairy
He fell asleep because he felt so weary.
Toad dreamed he was smelling some blossoms of cherries
As he strode through woods in search of Titania Queen of Fairies
For Toad fancied he and Titania were lovers
As amphibian sighed happily under his covers
And there by soft yonder gleam of elegant moonlight
Toad of Toad Hall encountered a most frightful sight
Nick Bottom that most uneloquent jackass
Was making of Queen Titania his most bonnie lass
Toad’s poor heart was not made of stone
As he listened to Titania’s pleasurable moan
The amphibian’s tender heart did up and break
And imagined wedding nuptials would ‘stead become his wake
As he traversed through the woods in search of a poisoned gourd
He by chance stumbled upon the great Pyramis’ sword
He thrust the sword through his chest
Saying “Cruel fate! Give it a rest!”.
They buried Toad on the other side of the stream
As Rat, Badger and Mole wished it was but a dream
King Oberon heard their wish as he rode a moonbeam
and Toad awakened to the sound of tea kettle steam
-A poem written by Christopher
Sunday July 5th 2020
inspired by Kenneth Graham’s
The Wind In The Willows
and
William Shakespeare’s
A Midsummer Night’s Dream
Toad of Toad Hall
Toad of Toad Hall
Motorbike came to a crawl
As petrol had leaked in bike stall
So Toad took his car keys out of a jar
And went for a spin in his motor car
But when he hit a tree, it gave his car a dent
But since he owned Toad Hall, he didn’t pay any rent
He took his motor boat for a ride down the river
With Dodds for his kidneys and gin for his liver
He passed Mole, Rat and Badger in a row boat
And not watching his way, he hit a castle moat
But lucky for him, his life jacket did float
-A poem written by Christopher
Tuesday July 2nd 2020
Inspired by the characters in
Kenneth Grahame’s
novel
The Wind In The Willows.
