Carson Cody Albion and The Beauty In The Hotel Room
The Beauty In Carson Cody Albion’s Hotel Room
Carson Cody Albion Private Eye went to London town
And discovered London bridge wasn’t falling down
So he went back to his hotel and what he saw caused no frown
For on his bed was a beautiful woman in a very sexy gown
-A poem written by Christopher
Sunday Night May 1st 2022
Klondike Helen
Klondike Helen the belle of Dawson City during the days of the Klondike Gold Rush
She had been born Helen McGarrett (no relation to Steve McGarrett of Hawaii Five-0 fame) in Montreal, Canada in 1875.o
When news of the Klondike Gold Rush in Canada’s northern territory of Yukon spread far and wide throughout North America, Helen headed up to Dawson City (a town built at the confluence of the Klondike and Yukon Rivers) the site of the Gold Rush to seek fame and fortune.
The year was 1899 and a stranger from London England arrived to see Klondike Helen.
And there she was standing in front of the piano in Klondike Jack’s Saloon.
“You’re Miss Helen McGarrett?” The stranger asked.
“I am,” Helen nodded, “Who are you?”.
“I’m Sherlock Holmes,” the pipe smoking man in the deerstalker cap answered.
“The famous London detective?” Helen was astonished, “How did you get here? What are you doing here?”.
“What I am doing here is I’ve been hired by the McGrew family of Liverpool to investigate the death of a family member who died here in Dawson City. A fellow by the name of Dan McGrew. His nickname was Dangerous Dan McGrew. When the family received word of his death, they said he was shot in an argument with some gold miner over a woman known as Lou. I’m here to investigate the truth of his death. As for how I got here… well I happen to know a fellow named Ferdinand Graf von Zeppelin a retired German army officer. He’s just invented an airship and didn’t want any Germans to die in the testing of it. So along with an English balloonist and myself, we travelled in this airship across the Atlantic and across the Arctic and then across Canada’s northern terrain until we arrived here. We’ve arrived safely. How we’ll make out in the return journey home is yet to be seen.”
“And you think I know something about the death of Dan McGrew?” Helen inquired.
“I was told you’re a friend of the woman known as Lou,” Holmes explained, “By the way, where is Lou? No one seems to know where she is.”
“She’s dead,” Helen answered, “Staked through the heart.”
“Staked through the heart?” Holmes was surprised.
“She was a vampiress,” said Helen, “And Lou turned Dan McGrew into a vampire as he lay dying from the gunshot wounds inflicted by the jealous miner husband’s gun. So McGrew died twice. First being shot by the jealous miner. And then being staked through the heart after he became a vampire.”
“Good God,” said Holmes.
“Good void,” said a miner who was trying to write a science-fiction poem about the Klondike.
“Who staked them through the heart?” Holmes re-lit his pipe.
“The same man,” Helen replied, “Barnabas Van Helsing. The younger brother of the famous Dr. Abraham Van Helsing.”
“Well,” Holmes blew smoke rings, “I suppose I better tell the McGrew family the original story about the shooting involving the jealous gold miner and the wife of the jealous gold miner- the woman known as Lou. Talk of vampires and vampiresses might send me to the looney bin.”
Holmes left the saloon and walked out into the night to his waiting Zeppelin airship for the cold journey home.
Another man approached Klondike Helen.
“You’re Klondike Helen I presume?” The man asked.
“Who wants to know?” Helen looked into his eyes.
“The name’s Van Helsing,” the man tipped his fedora hat, “Dracul Van Helsing. I was looking at my great-great-uncle Barnabas Van Helsing’s photo collection the other day and your picture in black and white was there. So I travelled back in time using this Houdini-Pantages-Tesla-Welles-Lamarr magic lantern so that I can take a colour photo of you.”
“Pantages did you say?” Klondike Helen blinked, “There’s a waiter in town here called Alexander Pantages.”
“He was one of those who helped develop this time travelling magic lantern,” Van Helsing explained, “along with the magician Harry Houdini and the great Serb-American inventor Nikola Tesla. Years later a brilliant young director and actor named Orson Welles also worked on it. The finishing touches were finally completed by a brilliant actress and inventor named Hedy Lamarr who finally made it fully operational.”
Dracul Van Helsing then took a colour photo of Klondike Helen.
“Anything else?” Klondike Helen asked.
“I’d like to make out with you,” said Van Helsing.
They went up to Klondike Helen’s room and got down on the bed.
As they made out, they were unbeknownst to the fact that the ghost of Orson Welles was also in the room sitting in a chair and eating some take-out food that he had brought with him from Lydo Chinese Food and Delivery in London in the year 2022.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday April 21st
2022.
What The Artist Sees
“Most people see the world through their own views and prejudices. Mr. Lockhart sees the world with a rare clarity. Perhaps that’s what it means to be an artist.”
-Character of Arthur Parker to the character of Georgiana Lambe in the BBC TV series Sanditon based on the unfinished novel by Jane Austen
Renfield’s Regency Croquet Match: All Is Fair In Love and War
After watching an episode of a television series that was set in Regency England, British MP Renfield R. Renfield fell asleep and dreamed that he was a young nobleman in Regency England.
After escorting the Prince Regent through local ale houses and giving advice to Arthur Wellesley the Duke of Wellington on how to defeat Napoleon, Renfield set out for high tea at Lady Vandeermeer’s Estate.
There he met two beautiful charming young ladies with whom he discussed the novels of Jane Austen.
In the middle of his watercress sandwich the valet to Lady Vandermeer delivered Renfield a note from his sometimes rival the Russian Vladimir Painintheassovich.
Vladimir Painintheassovich told Renfield that he was out on the Estate’s grounds with two gentlemen and that they would like to challenge Renfield to a game of croquet that is if Renfield could find two other partners to form a team.
Renfield immediately invited his two charming young Jane Austen Literary Society companions to form a team with him.
Renfield, his two lovely young literary society companions and a corgi who will serve as ball retriever
Renfield and his lovely young companions approached their rivals.
The Russian Vladimir Painintheassovich stood directly across from Renfield.
On Vladimir’s right was the Emperor Napoleon and on his left Ares the Greek god of war.
Lady Vandermeer’s valet brought some Ukrainian perogies with sour cream for Renfield and his companions to munch on before the match began.
Vladimir, Napoleon and Ares ate blood sausages and salt water tears wept by a young widow and her children.
When the match started, Renfield hit a ball that went flying into the right temple of the Emperor Napoleon and sent the Little Corporal unconscious alongside the Estate pond.
“Napoleon appears to have met his Waterloo,” Renfield remarked.
Ares sent his ball flying at the little corgi knocking him out cold.
“Thou black hearted snerd,” said Renfield’s lovely teammate who was wearing the green velvet dress with hints of gold decorating.
Ares’ nose was broken by the ball fired by the beauty in the green dress.
The god of war was carried off the croquet field.
Vladimir Painintheassovich called out to the beauty wearing the peach pink dress with hints of gold decorating.
“Hey babe, how would you like to see me ride a horse shirtless?” He said.
“I think all horses are shirtless aren’t they?” Answered the beauty in the peach pink dress, “I’ve never seen a horse wear a shirt.”
She fired a croquet ball at the Russian’s balls knocking him off his high horse which he had just crawled up on.
Renfield then finished the Russian off with a croquet ball fired to the forehead.
The MP then woke up.
“Ah, if only life were like a Regency England croquet match,” he ordered himself a cup of tea.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday March 23rd
2022.
Theatre At The Comedie-Francaise
She watched the play being performed
Dom Juan ou le Festin de Pierre
(Don Juan or The Feast of the Stone {Statue})
A five-act 1665 comedy by Moliere
As she watched with increased intensity
She herself longed for a taste of Dom Juan’s own sword
She licked her lips
And reached for a handkerchief
To dab a spot
On the stage Dom Juan told a jealous husband,
“Young Leibniz says this is the best of all possible worlds”
To which the jealous husband replied,
“Thou black hearted swine,thou hast made a cuckold of me
Like Zeus did of Philip II of Macedon with Queen Olympias
And you have the nerve to say,
“This is the best of all possible worlds”.
“Last night,” Dom Juan bit into an apple, “Your wife
experienced the best of all possible worlds.”
The husband went into a rage, lifted his sword
and spoke, “I shall make a pork pie of thee
And feed thy black heart to my chickens.”
She watched the sword play on the stage
And redness came to her cheeks
“Oh let his heart be mine
and not that of the chickens.”
Her breasts rose up and down
like a stormy night on
the English Channel.
“Oh, I am slain,” said the husband.
“Young Leibniz is right,” Dom Juan smiled and raised his sword in triumph,
“This is the best of all possible worlds.”
The woman fainted in her seat.
Later in the final act and the final scene
As the stone statue of a man
Whom Don Juan had murdered
Carries Dom Juan down to Hell,
Dom Juan shouts,
“Young Leibniz is wrong,
This is NOT the best of all possible worlds.”
The woman up in the theatre balcony box
Fanned herself with a handkerchief
And said,
“Oh Leibniz, there are more things in Hell
Than are dreamt of in thy philosophy.”
Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster
Awakened from his dream
And wondered if Moliere’s 1665
production of Dom Juan
was actually like that.
-A poem and vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday February 3rd
2022.
Circe
Circe Offering The Cup To Ulysses by John William Waterhouse 1891
Circe
Daughter of the sun god Helios
And the Oceanid nymph Perse
An enchantress living on the island
of Aeaea
She has turned most of Ulysses’ crew
into swine
She had lured the Odyssey crew
to her island
with her lovely singing
While weaving on an enormous loon
She had invited the crew to a feast
A pottage of cheese and meat
Sweetened with honey
And laced with wine
But also mixed with potion
That turns them into swine
Ulysses was on board his ship at the time
As he approaches Circe’s palace
Athena sends Hermes to warn him
of Circe’s sorcery
Hermes provides Ulysses with moly
To protect him from Circe’s magic
Circe and the potion beckons but Ulysses does not become swine
. . .
The streets of Kiev, January 2022.
London private eyes Magog Rhys Petley and Agathor Christie were on a spying mission for the British government.
“Who has let these thousands of swine into the streets of Kiev?” Magog wanted to know.
“They were previously NATO soldiers,” Agathor (who had taken the Kiev nightwatch to Magog’s daywatch) explained.
“They were?” Magog was stunned, “Who turned them into swine?”.
“Do you know your Greek mythology and your 19th Century pre-Raphaelite art?” Agathor asked.
“I do,” Magog nodded.
Agathor pointed.
Magog looked.
And standing there was the ancient Greek enchantress Circe not looking a day over 25.
Circe started to sing as she started weaving on a loom.
“Who is she trying to lure to Kiev with her singing?” Magog inquired of Agathor.
“The Russians,” Agathor answered.
“To turn them into swine?” Magog blinked.
“No to turn them into the rulers of Kiev,” Agathor lit a cigar, “It’s NATO she turned into swine.”
-A poem and vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday January 23rd
2022.
Christine and The Phantom
Christine Daae rehearsing
She sang accompanied by no pianist
Her melodious voice
As sweet as the nightingale
A voice which shone light
through the use of vocal cords.
A voice which called to one in darkness
A voice which called one to come up
out of the darkness
And in the labyrinths
below the Palais Garnier
The Phantom heard
and came up out of the darkness.
-A poem written by Christopher
Wednesday November 10th
2021.
Vampiress Mei-ling Manchu Makes An Amazing Discovery
Vampiress Mei-ling Manchu, who drank red wine (unlike Bela Lugosi’s Dracula), was in the study of Transylvania’s Castle Dracula where she had made an amazing discovery:
Mei-ling Manchu: This is very interesting…
Mei-ling Manchu: Apparently writer Truman Capote did not write In Cold Blood…
Mei-ling Manchu: He wrote in… ink.
Mei-ling Manchu: However the same won’t be said about me.
-A vampiress Mei-ling Manchu
Halloween photo montage
written by Christopher
Sunday October 17th
2021.
This Neo-Plato’s Republic Is A Satanic Dystopia and Harry Potter’s Minister of Magic Cornelius Fudge’s Mainstream Media Is Fighting To Preserve It
British MP Renfield R. Renfield was giving a Thursday night podcast.
“Dr. Robert Malone who’s the inventor of mRNA technology maintains that it’s the fully vaccinated who are the Covid superspreaders.
The spike protein given to vaccinated people sheds within their bodies and then passes on a far deadlier variant of Covid to others.
In a fully vaccinated society like the State of Israel they pass on deadly variants of the virus to one another.
That’s why in fully vaccinated places like Israel, the United Kingdom, the American state of Vermont and the city of Waterford, Ireland, all the hospitalizations and deaths have been occurring among the fully vaccinated.
In the Canadian prairie provinces of Alberta and Saskatchewan where there WAS a large percentage of people who didn’t get vaccinated, that’s why the first massive hospitalizations and deaths were occurring among the unvaccinated (unless of course the SS-Gestapo AHS (Alberta Health Services) and its brainless Saskatchewan SS-Gestapo counterpart were lying about the statistics which is always a very real possibility).
Dr. Malone has likened what’s going on with today’s Covid vaccines to the illegal medical experiments conducted by Nazi Germany.”
Malone points out that:
“During the Second World War, Jews and other ethnic groups were subjected to horrible experimental research. And they justified it by saying it was for the common good.”
Renfield then interjected at this point that “for the common good” was a favourite expression used by Pope Francis and his numerous “useful idiots” bishops, priests and theologians that were his most ardent supporters.
Malone said that the Western world agreed at Nuremberg in 1946 that “we weren’t going to do that anymore. Yet from time to time we seem to forget and of course Tuskegee is one example and frankly this is another example.”
Renfield then mentioned, “Using the guidelines established by Minister of Magic Cornelius Fudge and the brainless mainstream media to slander Harry Potter, Hermione Granger and Albus Dumbledore for daring to say that Voldemort had returned as recorded in J.K. Rowling’s Harry Potter and The Order of The Phoenix, various lying and deceptive so-called “fact checkers” for the mainstream media have tried to blatheringly argue that these experimental mRNA vaccines are not in violation of the Nuremberg Code as they are “vaccines” and not “experiments” to quote their Goebbelesque propaganda rhetoric. Well, I’ve got news for you assholes, if these were actually “vaccines” and not “experiments currently ongoing”, then they wouldn’t have required EUA (Emergency Use Authorization), assholes.”
Renfield then pushed a button where a curtain rose on a tank where a bunch of people were being thrown in to be eaten by crocodiles.
“These crocodiles,” Renfield grinned, “have been specially trained by the Miss Manners School of Veterinary Etiquette and Good Manners to chew their food slowly and delicately and not to gulp them down whole hog. This gives the added benefit of these assholes being thrown in to the tank and being eaten to undergo severely excruciating pain as their bodily parts such as fingers, toes, arms, legs, knees, thighs, elbows, hips, etc. are slowly eaten by the crocodiles and of course the assholes’ heads are eaten last.”
“By the way all these assholes being eaten in the “most delightful way” to quote Julie Andrews’ Mary Poppins are all “fact checkers” whose lies and distortions have appeared on the first page of Google Search Results when you google the term Nuremberg Code. These “fact checkers” supposedly “debunking” how these vaccines are not violations of the Nuremberg Code did not show up when a Calgary based geopolitical analyst googled the term Nuremberg Code a few weeks ago. Today they did. Which goes to show that the Revived Nazi-Soviet Pact tech giant Google as well as lying and deceptive presstitute media whore “fact checkers” are acting like the lying mainstream media back in the day of Cornelius Fudge’s tenure as Minister of Magic when they deliberately slandered Harry Potter, Hermione Granger and Albus Dumbledore for claiming that Voldemort had returned.”
Renfield continued, “As many of you no doubt do not know since you seem to believe everything that Big Government, Big Business (especially Big Pharma) and the forever lying mainstream media tell you, we “are living in a world of fools” (to quote the Bee Gees) which is a Neo-Plato’s Republic turned satanic dystopia.
Set Enterprises’ commandos who are working to overthrow this satanic New World Order (an unholy alliance between the vampire Set’s brother Osiris and the vampire Set’s ancient enemy Apophis) tracked down all the asshole “fact checkers” whose Goebbelesque propaganda appeared on the first page of Google Search Results on the term Nuremberg Code.
These asshole “fact checkers” have been brought here to put their money where the crocodiles’ mouths are.
These crocodiles with impeccable good manners and etiquette and who in refined dignified fashion chew their food slowly are doing just that as can be seen by the fact that the asshole “fact checkers” are loudly screaming their heads off with each dignified and refined crocodile bite.”
“By the way,” Renfield smiled his pearly white teeth at the camera, “these asshole “fact checkers” being slowly eaten alive by crocodiles is not a medical experiment. It’s just good old fashioned medieval torture and ancient eye for an eye retribution. So it’s not in violation of the Nuremberg Code. God bless you and good night.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday October 14th
2021.
Mirabella Francesca Franconia (Parliamentary Secretary and Executive Assistant to British MP Renfield R. Renfield) attentively and appreciatively paying attention to her boss’ Thursday night podcast
On The 700th Anniversary of Dante’s Death, A Most Diabolical Plot: Soros-Gates-Fauci Axis Powers Genetically Clone Uglos
Today September 14th 2021 is the 700th Anniversary of the death of Italian poet Dante Alighieri who wrote the Divine Comedy trilogy consisting of Inferno, Purgatorio and Paradisio.
On September 14th 1321, Odin’s raven Huginn remarked to Odin’s raven Muninn, “Oh weep for Dante, for he is dead.”
Muninn immediately started crying and blew his nose on Pope John XXII’s papal robes.
“Don’t weep for Dante,” the demon Baphomet remarked, “Weep for Pan for he is dead.”
The Pan to whom Baphomet was referring was the Greek satyr god of nature, the wild, shepherds and flocks, mountains and rustic music.
That Pan had in fact died long ago.
Today September 14th 2021, the demon Baphomet, along with his fellow demon Baal, the fallen Archangel Mephistopheles and the ghosts of King Herod, Adolf Hitler, Joseph Stalin and Mao Tse-tung had all endorsed the Neo-Stalinist tyrant Gavin Newsom for Governor of California and urged Californians not to recall him.
“As far as I know, I’m not related to that Pan,” Pan Goatee mentioned in answer to a question from his friend the philosopher frog emperor Marcus Amphibius.
Marcus had stoically wanted to know whether Pan Goatee was related to the Greek satyr god Pan who was the Greek god of nature, the Pan who had died long ago and sailors had heard the cry during the reign of the Roman Emperor Tiberius, “The great god Pan is dead.”
As Pan Goatee entered a drug store, Marcus Amphibius stopped to order some French flies from a French Onion Soup and Quebecois Poutine dealer.
When Marcus entered the store, he noticed his satyr friend beheading a fat ugly blimp (who was a store clerk) and cutting her up into 999 trillion pieces.
“I thought I had beheaded this fat ugly blimp a couple of weeks ago and how did she come back alive?” Goatee wanted to know, “Necromancers today must be as perverted and degenerate and as devoid of good taste as everybody else these days.”
“It might not be necromancers,” Marcus Amphibius licked an ice cream cone, “Some of my frog friends around the world tell me that the evil undynamic but diabolical trio of George Soros, Bill Gates and Dr. Anthony Fauci are genetically cloning uglos. So if you kill one, they’ve got another 665 in test tubes somewhere.”
“Oh deepest pits of perdition and damnation, thy names art Soros, Gates and Fauci,” Pan Goatee spoke eloquently.
Meanwhile in Slovakia, some renegade Slovak priests were trying to exorcise the demonically possessed Pope Francis whose eyes were once again turning demonically red, his head was rotating 360 degrees and he was vomiting forth copies of Dante’s Divine Inferno.
“We are legion. We hate Dante. We do not weep for Dante for he is dead. We hate Dante. He believed in the existence of Hell. There is no Hell,” the voices within Francis started screaming, “Ah, the flames. The flames.”
One of the priests who was slightly deaf asked his fellow priest (a dwarf) who was only a little less deaf, “What did he say?”.
The dwarf answered, “I think he said, Ah, the plane. The plane.”
“These demons must be fans of the original 1970s TV show Fantasy Island,” the elder priest remarked.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday September 14th
2021.
Dracul Van Helsing 
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