Cleopatra, Maitreya and Yaldabaoth On Saint Patrick’s Day
It was Saint Patrick’s Day 2021.
And Yaldabaoth was on a bridge overlooking the River Liffey in Dublin, Ireland.
The night before he had been in a psychiatrist’s office at Saint Raphael’s Hospital in London.
The session was to help him overcome his drinking problem.
But judging from the amount of Guinness he had drunk on this Saint Patrick’s Day Evening in Dublin, it was obviously going to take more than one session.
“Yaldabaoth,” the man named Peter Whitstable (whose unofficial title was the Fox Mulder of Interpol) greeted him.
“What are you doing here in Dublin?” Yaldabaoth asked, “Do you have some more cloak and dagger work for me to do?”.
The leprechaun put on a green cloak and then pulled a green jade dagger out of one of his green socks and put it in his green belt.
“As you know the past dozen years, the Irish government has become increasingly made up of Apostles of the Antichrist,” Whitstable noted.
“I imagine Saint Paddy is not too pleased with that,” Yaldabaoth drank his Guinness, “Is Harvey Tallbanger the invisible (to mortals) bunny rabbit here to throw green algae cream pies in their faces?”.
“Most likely yes to your first statement and I don’t know to your second,” Whitstable answered, “I do know most leading members of the Irish government have taken an oath of allegiance to a hidden and secret High King of Ireland.”
“And who is this hidden and secret High King of Ireland?” Yaldabaoth asked.
“Maitreya a golden cobra serpent supernatural entity from the Himalayan region of Tibet and Nepal,” Whitstable replied.
“Oh yes, he did have himself crowned High King of Ireland at the Hill of Tara back on Saint Patrick’s Day in 2018,” Yaldabaoth wiped his runny nose with a green handkerchief, “I believe he had crowned Queen Cleopatra VII Philopator of Egypt (whom he had resurrected from the dead) his High Queen as well.
“Exactly,” Whitstable nodded, “Cleopatra is currently staying at a hotel here in Dublin.”
“What hotel?” Yaldabaoth asked.
“This one,” Whitstable handed the leprechaun a card with the hotel address on it, “I want you to get her photograph for my Interpol files. We do not have a photo of the living Cleopatra.”
“Seeing as how she’s been dead since the 1st Century BC and was only resurrected 4 years ago, I can see why,” Yaldabaoth nodded, “I imagine Saint Paddy is probably ticked that not only has a serpent returned to Ireland (he having driven the serpents out of Ireland) but is further ticked that a serpent has crowned himself High King of Ireland.”
“I would imagine,” Whitstable agreed.
Meanwhile in Washington DC, U.S. President Joe Beijing O’ Biden asked one of his aides why one of the White House fountains was green.
“You ordered it dyed green for Saint Patrick’s Day,” his aide answered.
“I did?” Biden scratched his head, “Is it Saint Patrick’s Day?”.
The aide nodded.
“Then why is my desk cactus dressed as Santa Claus, why is my dog dressed like the Easter Bunny and why is Hunter dressed like a crack pipe smoking Great Pumpkin?” Biden inquired.
Meanwhile back in Dublin, Ireland, Yaldabaoth entered the hotel room where Cleopatra was staying.
He carried in his hands a black and white film camera that had once belonged to film director Orson Welles when he was alive.
Yaldabaoth entered Cleopatra’s bedroom and snapped a photo.
Cleopatra the former Queen of Egypt and current High Queen of Ireland
After snapping the photo, Yaldabaoth gasped, “My God, that’s a killer outfit you’re wearing.”
He then fell over dead.
“Jesus,” an Irish Jesuit priest, who was recently defrocked by his superior for being straight and heterosexual, remarked as he walked by the open door in the hallway.
“Oh, the void, the void,” a spider, who had recently come in contact with radioactive material in a science lab, remarked as he crawled by.
“This looks like a job for Dr. Marmalade Montague and his Hendrick’s Gin Dunking Machine,” Harvey Tallbanger commented as he walked by and noticed Yaldabaoth the Irish leprechaun lying dead at Cleopatra’s spiked stiletto high-heeled shoes feet.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday March 17th
2021.
Hera At Versailles
The Greek goddess Hera at the Palace of Versailles during the reign of the Sun King
“So,” Set Enterprises’ eccentric scientist Dr. Marmalade Montague asked Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing, “I hear you’re able to travel back in time using the Pantages-Houdini-Tesla-Welles-Lamarr Magic Lantern?”.
“I can neither confirm nor deny that,” Van Helsing answered.
In his aquarium in the background, Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster held up a sign that read CONFIRMED.
“So,” Marmalade read the sign, “When I fell into a time warp when I was Chief Scientist and Head Alchemist To The Court of Louis Quatorze and wound up here in the decade of the 2020s, I left an important alchemical formula on my desk in my laboratory at the Palace of Versailles. I was wondering if you could go back in time and get it for me?”.
“Why can’t you go back in time and get it yourself?” Van Helsing inquired.
“Because the Hindu god Shiva informed me while I was standing in line once at an Indian buffet restaurant in London last year that if I ever engaged in time travel again, I’d disintegrate into a pod of peas hanging from a lotus flower,” Dr. Marmalade Montague replied.
“One wouldn’t want that unless one were a vegan vegetarian Transhumanist,” Van Helsing agreed.
“I don’t know if it was because I helped myself to the last 2 dozen pieces of butter chicken from a buffet tray before the chef brought some more as I was standing in line in front of Shiva or if Shiva really meant it,” Marmalade reflected.
“Well, as J. Robert Oppenheimer might say while putting on a trojan, it’s best to be on the safe side,” Van Helsing acknowledged.
And so Van Helsing went back in time to the Palace of Versailles during the reign of Louis XIV the Sun King.
He found the laboratory but as he entered the room a cat had knocked a piece of paper off the table which seemed to have elaborate drawings and formulae on it.
The paper was then eaten by a poodle.
“I hope that wasn’t the formula for turning lead into gold,” Van Helsing mused aloud.
He then found his way to the main dining room of Versailles where he encountered the Greek goddess Hera.
The Greek goddess Hera and Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing had made out on a couple of occasions.
Unbeknownst to the Greek god Zeus of course.
Otherwise Van Helsing might have disintegrated into ash as a result of having an Olympian thunder bolt thrown at him.
“Dracul,” Hera smiled at him.
“You must have time traveled from the 21st Century as well,” Van Helsing made a Holmes Sherlockian deduction, “because I never knew you during the Reign of the Sun King Louis Quatorze.”
“I did,” Hera nodded, “I time traveled from January 2021.”
“Same here,” Van Helsing stated.
“Did you know that a year ago Zeus asked Hades to release the spirit of Alexander the Great from the Underworld?” Hera inquired.
“It seems to me I heard something to that effect from the ghost of Orson Welles,” Van Helsing reflected.
“And now this January he’s asked Hades to release the spirit of the Syrian Greek King Antiochus Epiphanes (whose official title was King Antiochus IV ) from the Underworld,” Hera noted.
“Maybe Zeus is planning a major Abomination of Desolation with Pope Francis and they want Antiochus Epiphanes’ input into the matter,” Van Helsing said as a group of waiters walked by carrying trays loaded with roast pork.
“I’m so horny and frustrated by Zeus constantly ignoring me,” Hera sighed.
“Maybe I could help you with that,” Van Helsing took off his formal dinner jacket.
Soon Hera and Van Helsing were making out on top of the Royal Banquet table.
“Ah, I see they’re still setting up in here,” Louis XIV remarked to one of his mistresses as he poked his head in through the dining hall door, “Perhaps you’d like to come to my bedroom and I’ll show you my ceiling etchings of Zeus and Leto.”
At that moment the ghost of Orson Welles was bicyling backwards through time in the CERN Large Hadron Collidor Time Tunnel.
As he bicycled backwards in time through the time tunnel, the voice of Engelbert Humperdinck could be heard singing Les Bicyclettes de Belsize.
Welles’ ghost was eating a large spectral bagel as he cycled backwards through time.
Welles hoped that no one would mistake him for Hunter Biden son of Joe Biden as he was returning from Mass in the Presidential motorcade when he ordered the motorcade stopped so he could buy a bagel as he had come down with the munchies after having smoked a pipe of crack cocaine in the confessional booth.
Welles’ ghost arrived just in time to see Dracul and Hera making out on the Royal Banquet table.
“Woe is me,” Welles remarked as he drove his bicyle through the dining room window and on to the Versailles palace grounds.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday January 26th
2021.
Yaldabaoth Meets A Bake-Danuki Tanuki
Yaldabaoth the Irish leprechaun was in Geneva Switzerland visiting a friend of his Mittendorf Lesterius who was one of the garden gnomes of Zurich.
“What’s that a statue of?” Yaldabaoth pointed towards a statue.
“That’s a bake-danuki tanuki,” the garden gnome answered as he pulled millions of Swiss francs out of his trousers and started counting it.
“A what?” Yaldabaoth asked.
“Well, a tanuki refers to a Japanese raccoon dog,” Mittendorf Lesterius explained, “The bake-danuki is a type of tanuki yokai (yokai is Japanese for supernatural beings) found in the classics and folklore and legends of Japan. Although the tanuki itself is a real existing animal, the bake-danuki of Japanese literature is a strange supernatural animal. They are able to shapeshift into other things or even people and can possess human beings. Most of the time though, this legendary tanuki the bake-danuki is reputed to be mischievous and jolly, a master of disguise and a shapeshifter, but somewhat gullible and absentminded.”
“So this statue then,” Yaldabaoth ate a bowl of Irish potatoes, “Is it a real statue or a bake-danuki tanuki in disguise?”.
“There’s one way to find out,” the garden gnome of Zurich smiled, “Pour some real Japanese sake over it.”
Mittendorf Lesterius poured sake over the statue and the statue came to life as a real bake-danuki tanuki.
The bake-danuki tanuki introduced himself as one Shogun Sake Kanasatake by name, grabbed a full bottle of sake and broke out into song,
Old comrades marching through the land
Forming steadfast and loyal friendships
Whether in need or in danger
They always hold together anew
During the attack, we will give them blow for blow
Honour and glory shall victory bring us
Let’s go, comrades, freshly reloaded (he helps himself to a 2nd bottle of sake)
This is our marching music (plays the accordion with his feet)
During the maneuver, the whole regiment accomodated
Itself in the headquarters of the nearest village house
And at the inn, there was flirting
With all the girls and especially the innkeeper’s daughter…
At that moment, a very Swiss looking gentleman wearing shorts and lederhosen approaches and shoots the bake-danuki tanuki in the buttocks.
The bake-danuki tanuki flees.
“I take it that was probably the innkeeper,” Yaldabaoth helped himself to a bottle of sake.
“You’re probably right,” the garden gnome of Zurich likewise helped himself to a bottle of sake.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday June 14th
2020.
Alan Dershowitz and Sobek
Alan Dershowitz and Sobek
Lawyer Alan Dershowitz was conducting a thought experiment.
He was imagining himself a defence lawyer at the Old Bailey in London in 1888, that Jack the Ripper had been caught and arrested and he Dershowitz had been asked to defend the Ripper.
He was playing in his mind his opening address to the jury at the start of the Ripper’s trial, “Members of the jury, I’d like to say a few words about my client who’s the noblest Briton of them all…”
His thought experiment was interrupted by a knock at the door.
He opened it and standing there was the Egyptian crocodile god Sobek.
Dershowitz had met Sobek on a few occasions before in the presence of a presumably late former client of his Jeffrey Epstein.
Epstein used to hang out with Sobek quite often that is when the pervert pedophile financier wasn’t busy hanging out with the likes of Bill Clinton, Bill Gates, Donald Trump and Prince Andrew.
“Sobek,” Dershowitz smiled, “I haven’t seen you since Jeffrey allegedly hung himself in prison after he had knocked himself out and then tied a noose around his neck while still unconscious.”
“Those were the days my friend, we thought they’d never end,” Sobek quoted old Mary Hopkin lyrics to the attorney.
“What brings you here?” Dershowitz waved the crocodile over to an arm chair in his living room.
“I’d like to thank you for giving those Christians a hard time who think that a mandatory vaccine could be the Mark of the Beast system prophesied in the Book of Revelation Chapter 13,” Sobek sat down and helped himself to some pretzels from an appetizer dish on the coffee table.
“It was no problem,” Dershowitz lit himself a cigar and offered one to the crocodile god which Sobek accepted, “I called their bluff by saying “We all know that the Devil can cite Scripture to his purposes.” And then I proceeded to bolster my own argument by doing just that. Citing an obscure passage in the Book of Leviticus (Chapters 12 and 13 to be precise) which nobody bothers to read anymore save the occasional old fashioned Calvinist and occasional old fashioned Presbyterian who are totally obsessed with blood and gore and all manner of obscure long winded regulations. Heck even most religious Jews don’t bother reading it anymore since we no longer do living animal sacrifices in the contemporary Israelite religion. I myself am a secular inclined Jew. I suppose if I were religious, I might belong to the Synagogue of Satan that Christ and Saint John the Apostle warned about.”
“Glad to hear it,” Sobek blew smoke rings in the shape of Nile River bulrushes.
“Why are you so into mandatory vaccines?” Dershowitz asked.
“Well our friend Jeffrey was into mandatory vaccines,” Sobek smiled showing his perfectly snow white teeth.
“That I didn’t know,” Dershowitz poured a brandy and offered one to Sobek which the crocodile god accepted, “what type of vaccine was he into developing?”.
“It could be used for anything actually,” Sobek sipped his brandy, “He was intending to use administering the vaccine as a cover for something else.”
“And what would that be?” Dershowitz inquired.
“To change people’s DNA,” Sobek answered.
“I knew Jeffrey was obsessed with the idea of creating a master race,” Dershowitz moved a chess piece on a board next to him, “My cousin Anna’s best friend Rachel’s rabbi Goldbloom didn’t approve because it reeked of the Nazis Heinrich Himmler and Adolf Eichmann and their work.”
“Jeffrey was investigating cases where alleged UFO abductees were supposedly given alien implants aboard the UFOs they were taken,” Sobek explained.
Dershowitz looked on in horror as an invisible opponent captured his Queen.
He then looked over at Sobek.
“That I didn’t know,” Dershowitz swallowed his cigar and had to wash it down with brandy, “Jeffrey was always full of surprises.”
“Some doctors did find strange implants in the bodies of a few alleged UFO abductees,” Sobek pointed out, “And what these implants had in common was they were slowing changing the DNA of the abductees.”
“To what?” Dershowitz asked.
“Jeffrey wasn’t sure,” Sobek shrugged, “But it was something not human. His research came to an abrupt end when he was arrested and later suicided in prison.”
“I take it Jeffrey was wanting to administer these DNA changing implants to people,” Dershowitz moved a white bishop on the board.
“He was,” Sobek nodded, “But he realized most people, like the abductees aboard the alien craft, would probably object to having these implants. So he thought they could be administered as an extra bonus. Like say with a mandatory vaccine.”
“I wonder if Jeffrey ever discussed his plans with Bill Gates,” Dershowitz played with his white bishop and a black king’s knight as he looked over at the TV screen and it was showing some old news footage of Bill Gates meeting Pope Francis a few years back.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday May 25th
2020.
Sanhedrin Say Performing Passover Sacrifice Can End Covid-19 Pandemic
Sanhedrin Say Performing Passover Sacrifice Can End Covid-19 Pandemic
At a press conference today dealing with how the New Zealand government is battling the Coronavirus pandemic, New Zealand Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern announced that she had declared both “the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny are essential workers” and that the children of New Zealand should not be worried that the pair are at all affected by the pandemic.
Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, watching the New Zealand Prime Minister’s press conference on television, remarked, “Jacinda must have finally smoked that complimentary piece of legalized Canadian cannabis that I sent her.”
. . .
Barbados Prime Minister Mia Mottely was forced to announce that 20 ventilators destined for Barbados as part of an act of philanthropy pledged by Barbados born international pop star Rihanna were seized by the United States.
Shortly after Prime Minister Mottely’s announcement, U.S. President Donald Trump was sitting at his desk in the Oval Office when he was suddenly hit with a cream pie thrown in his face by an invisible entity.
“What’s with all these cream pies in the face lately?” Trump cried out, “And to top it off, it was laced with Mexican tacos and salsa sauce and guacamole cream. I hate anything Mexican.”
Trump then had Corona beer poured all over him by the same invisible entity.
“Now I’ve been hit by Corona,” Trump cried out.
Men wearing hazmat suits then entered the Oval Office and carried Trump off to a place where he could be quarantined.
. . .
Rihanna was social distancing at a closed astronomical observatory and livestreaming on line.
It was nighttime and as she sang, “Shine bright like a diamond… We’re like diamonds in the sky”, a 6 foot 8 tall bunny rabbit holding a magic lantern film projector (that had been worked on by Houdini, Pantages, Nikola Tesla, Orson Welles and Hedy Lamarr) making him visible to people without them needing to drink Harvey Wallbangers, appeared peering through the glass at the top of the open air telescope and waved at the livestream viewing audience.
. . .
The Israeli Sanhedrin has petitioned both Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu and U.S. President Donald Trump to allow the Passover Sacrifice to occur on the Temple Mount.
The Pesach sacrifice has not taken place on the Temple Mount in nearly 2000 years.
“The only thing preventing the Jewish people from performing the Passover sacrifice is the Israeli government,” Rabbi Hillel Weiss the spokesman for the Sanhedrin said.
Added Rabbi Weiss, “We are proposing bringing a temporary altar for one day to sacrifice one lamb for the entire Jewish nation.”
Dov Stein the Secretary to the Court of the Sanhedrin in Jerusalem Israel had written a letter to both Benjamin Netanyahu and Donald Trump asking for the ceremony to be performed.
Stein wrote in his letter to both men that if the sacrifice of the Passover lamb occurred in the spring feast beginning at sundown on Wednesday April 8th 2020 or Nisan 14th 5780 (Hebrew calendar), this would put an end to the Covid-19 pandemic that was currently a modern day plague on humanity.
. . .
Meanwhile in the intensive care unit of a U.S. Naval Hospital, Donald Trump was protesting that, unlike Britain’s Prime Minister Boris Johnson, he did not have the Coronavirus.
Meanwhile a creature who did not have a head but had the arms and torso of a man and had two slithering serpents for legs was running around the Donald’s bed.
The creature finally went under the bed and re-emerged with the head of a rooster that it then put on its human torso’s shoulders.
“You must forgive me for running around like a chicken with its head cut off,” the rooster headed creature apologized, “But that’s exactly what happened. Pan Goatee who had taken too many of the notorious Australian Uncle Ernie’s Chemicals of The Day thought I was an ugly looking woman and so cut my head off.”
“Who the Hell are you?” Trump asked.
“I’m the ancient Gnostic god Abraxas,” the creature replied, “And I want you to tell Netanyahu that he should allow the Sanhedrin to go ahead with its Passover Pascal lamb sacrifice this coming Wednesday.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday April 6th
2020.
Yaldabaoth’s Vision On His Way To The Big Apple
Yaldabaoth’s Vision On His Way To The Big Apple
Athelstan the butler and valet to the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set was having a conversation with British MP Renfield R. Renfield.
Both men were 6 meters away from one another so they wouldn’t be shot by killer drones recently commandeered by WHO (the World Health Organization) for those who violated the world body’s social distancing rules.
Athelstan was also wearing a face mask.
Although whether this was because he feared getting the Coronavirus or because he had just cleaned out the kitty litter box belonging to Nefertiti Galore (the vampire Set’s fiercely protective house cat) is a matter for speculation.
“So, Mr. Renfield,” Athelstan coughed through his face mask, “I hear that Virginia Gov. Ralph Northam issued an Executive Order this past Monday making it a criminal offense to hold a Church service with more than 10 people present. If found guilty, people could be imprisoned for 12 months and/or fined $2,500.”
“I imagine,” Renfield lit his pipe, “that the Baal and Baphomet worshipping Marxist despot Ralph Northam was positively ejaculating in ecstasy and orgasm at being able to sign such an Executive Order. I don’t imagine he’ll ever bother rescinding it even when the pandemic is over.”
“Probably not, sir,” Athelstan dusted off a portrait painting of the late British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher dressed in a medieval Iron Maiden torture chamber item suit, “Did you hear that Pope Francis’ personally designated papal successor Luis Antonio Cardinal Tagle is saying let’s overcome the Coronavirus with a pandemic of love?”.
“Well,” Renfield sipped his pipe, “Isn’t that jackass just the epitome of romance?”.
. . .
Yaldabaoth the Irish leprechaun was flying a magic shamrock flying carpet from his rented farmhouse in Vermont to New York City.
Yaldabaoth had recently left Ireland after that country had closed all its pubs (As Yaldabaoth remarked at the time, “You know a world situation is serious when it forces Ireland to close all its pubs.”)
He had gone to Vermont hoping that the pubs would be open.
Many of them were closed but lucky for Yaldabaoth, there were plenty of Vermont country gentlemen who made their own moonshine.
Yaldabaoth rented his Vermont farmstead from another Irish leprechaun The Fantastic Flanigan.
The Fantastic Flanigan had the honour of being the world’s shortest UFC fighter.
He also had the honour of being the world’s only always defeated UFC fighter.
Generally all the other UFC fighters used the Fantastic Flanigan as practice for the day the old medieval sport of dwarf tossing was once again brought back into the world.
It so happened that the Fantastic Flanigan owned a flying carpet (made from magic shamrocks) so he had left it behind in the barn for Yaldabaoth to use.
Flanigan was currently spending his social isolation time at the Moonlite Bunny Ranch in Nevada.
As Yaldabaoth approached New York City, he was shocked to see the Big Apple surrounded by an army of Dullahans (A Dullahan was a black horse riding headless horseman of death).
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday March 26th
2020
The Storyteller: Weaving Cloth and Spinning A Tale
The Storyteller: Weaving Cloth and Spinning A Tale
Outside the world spins on its axis
As she spins cloth in actual praxis
In her mind she spins tales
like mermaid meeting whales
Fairies and butterflies sit on shelves
While her goldfish bowl swims with elves
Harlequin dolls on floors watch the cloth being weaved
As magic falls seamlessly out of her sleeve
For her mind is full of tales never told
of magical creatures and maidens bold
In a land she imagines where love ne’er grows old
Where knights shine and evil giants fold
Her old phonograph plays songs of yesteryear
Where sometimes those lyric memories can bring forth a tear
Her window on the world becomes a magic mirror
Where dark things are far but hope is nearer
Outside ships may burn and conquering dirigibles fly
While she entertains her fairy
audience with sweet lullaby
Sometimes in dark times, one has to stay home
But for a mind such as hers, she has a whole world to roam
-A poem written by Christopher
Thursday March 19th 2020
Leadership In Troubled Times: Light In Dark Ages
Leadership In Troubled Times: Light In Dark Ages
This was a photo montage music video I made back in 2009.
It is my personal favourite of all the photo montage music videos I made between 2008 and 2012 in those days when I still had a working desktop PC and was able to make them.
-Christopher
Willard 1971 Film Characters Show Up In The Year of The Rat
Willard 1971 Film Characters Show Up In The Year of The Rat
“When was this photo taken?” British MP Renfield R. Renfield asked art gallery owner Dashwood Forrest as he held a martini (stirred not shaken) at an exhibition of the photographs that never made it into LIFE Magazine during the years of its existence.
“Sometime in the 1950s in Havana, Cuba,” Forrest answered.
“That’s a zombie isn’t it?” Renfield inquired.
“It is,” Forrest replied as he accepted the cocktail drink called the Zombie that was handed to him by his living dead walking dead Irish manservant Mulligan the Irish zombie.
Dead skeleton meets living dead Zombie.
. . .
Krampus the demon-goat of old Bavaria and the old Austro-Hungarian Empire received an elegantly written handwritten note from his friend the genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee (who specialized in killing ugly women) complaining about the vast number of ugly women living in the City of Calgary.
Krampus decided to help his friend out.
He went to a Calgary repertory theatre that were showing the 1971 American horror film Willard (about a young man who trains rats to eat people) to mark the start of the new Chinese lunar new year The Year of the Rat that begins today.
It was the sort of thing that a city like Calgary known for its brainless white Caucasian males (with the exception of Pan Goatee as well as a journalist/historian/geopolitical analyst who lived on a medical disability pension) and its hideous repulsively ugly Caucasian white females (of which sadly there were very few exceptions) would put on to mark the start of a Chinese New Year that called itself the Year of The Rat.
Krampus went to the theatre and calling upon an ancient spell from an ancient Aztec copy of The Necronomicon brought the rats to life off the movie screen and into the theatre where they proceeded to eat the brainless white men and the ugly white women.
After vomiting their unsatisfactory meals into the theatre toilets and urinals, the rats then went running out into the streets of Calgary.
Fortunately a former Neo-Nazi (who this morning had become a born again non-white supremacist after seeing how ugly the white women of Calgary were thus showing the idea of whites being the master race to be a total lie) had already left the downtown core and so avoided being eaten by the rats.
Pan Goatee meanwhile was entering his nearby shopping mall food court.
Approaching from the direction of the public library was an ugly looking white woman who looked like a hideous medieval cathedral gargoyle sporting an Afro.
“Cultural appropriation again, eh, you pathetic blemish on the peas in the garden of Mendelian genetics,” Goatee remarked as he beheaded the creature and cut her up into 999 trillion pieces.
As he walked away, no dark glasses wearing and barf bag wearing Hounds of Hell showed up.
As they were all being treated for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder from trying to environmentally dispose of Goatee’s uglocidal victims the other day.
Goatee went inside the food court where he was enjoying a Vietnamese submarine sandwich and a Lebanese donair style pizza.
Unfortunately for him, the most hideously ugly thin stoat sized white woman in all recorded history walked by and walked around the food court.
Goatee immediately cut up the ugly woman into 999 trillion pieces without bothering to behead her first.
He put on Welder’s glasses and put his astral laser machete on slow-mo (for slow motion) to take its time on cutting up the ugly looking creature into tiny pieces.
Using the Michtlantecuhtli tempus suspendendi ray, Goatee was able to withhold death from ending the uglo’s agony until such time as the 999 trillionth piece fell to the floor.
“How am I going to clean up this mess?” The food court janitor asked as he arrived on the scene.
His answer soon became apparent with the arrival of hundreds of thousands of rats who appeared and proceeded to eat up the Guinness Book of World Records holding uglo thin sized stoat award winner.
Another group of hundreds of thousands of rats went into the washroom where they vomited up the remains of the white uglo looking gargoyle with the Afro they had encountered and eaten outside.
Well so far today, Goatee had encountered an uglo looking gargoyle and an uglo looking stoat.
All that was needed to totally ruin his day was for him to encounter a fat ugly blimp.
That happened as soon as he went outside to cross the street to the bus stop in front of the high school.
There approaching him was a fat ugly blimp with her stupid looking brainless white boyfriend (with lousy taste in women).
Goatee beheaded the blimp as well as her stupid boyfriend.
He cut up both uglo and brainless boyfriend into 999 trillion pieces each.
He wasn’t sure what 999 trillion x 2 was as he had left his antique Chinese abacus at home.
He wondered if it would have taken him awhile to figure out that particular multiplication.
Oh well, he wouldn’t worry about it, he thought as he headed for home.
Up on the roof of the high school, Socrates and Ben the two mastermind rats who lead the band of rats in the 1971 film Willard were busy examining the satellite TV dish at the top of the high school as there were no satellite TV dishes on top of high schools back in the era of 1971.
. . .
The demon Mephistopheles to the Norse goddess Hel: I wonder what the Year of the Rat will bring, my dear?
. . .
Yaya Han the Chinese leprechaun had a combined Chinese Lunar New Year/Robbie Burns Day dinner celebration with Yaldabaoth the Irish leprechaun.
They had sweet and sour haggis as a Beijing wrestler wearing a little known Ming Dynasty tartan style kilt recited Robbie Burns’ Address To A Haggis before plunging the ancient Chinese dagger into the haggis.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday January 25th
2020.
The Magician and The Illusion
February 7, 2020 at 11:24 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, magic, Poetry, Romance) (poem)
The Magician and The Illusion
The magician ended up with a black eye
His illusion went astray
The audience saw right through him
and one patron let him know there’s Hell to pay
But his loyal and sexy assistant remains at his side
Offering him arms of comfort
As at the back of a wagon they hitch a ride
And next to them the old carnival barker sits
His bark definitely worse than his bite
And this circus must plain hit the road out of people’s sight
The road to Oz was much like this
Behind the curtain lay smoke and mirrors
But Kansas whirlwinds and melting witches
Led to the worst of a wizard’s fears
Sometimes magic acts fall apart
Sometimes the illusion will not hold
But when it does and grips a land
dark history will unfold
-A poem written by Christopher
Friday February 7th
2020.
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