Thunderstorms and Surprises

July 2, 2021 at 10:36 pm (Film, Movies, Poetry)

A long time ago
A friend wrote about a movie she had seen
I remarked it sounded interesting
She said I should watch it
I said I would

But I never did
and one day I was flipping through the channels
and the caption on the screen gave the title of the movie
I said I’d watch
but never did

So I watched a little
But was not too impressed with the scene
I had stumbled across while flipping through
The channels
I said, “This movie is not for me”
And continued flipping through the channels

Thus it was whenever I was flipping through the channels
And came across the caption showing the title of the movie
on the channel that I said I might watch
But never did
I kept on flipping through the channels

So it would appear that I never would watch this movie
That I said I might watch
Because the one time I stumbled across it
It showed a scene I didn’t like
And thought the rest of the film would be just as bad

Tonight was a thunderstorm in the area
A big dramatic thunderstorm
Ending days of severe heat.
Heavy rain, lightning, thunder, hail and funnel clouds
On the same day that a letter showed up in the mail
To a guy named MacBeth
Who must have apparently once lived at this address
But does not do so now.

Watching the weather report on tonight’s news
The weather woman said there was fierce weather in the area
And as if to emphasize what the weather woman had just said
Lightning flashed, the thunder roared
And the power chose to go off at this exact moment.

“I guess she’s absolutely right,” I remarked stupidly
To no one in particular in the house
Since my roommate had left on a camping trip this weekend
And the only one left in the house aside from me
Was an artificial plant
That appeared on the verge of dying
Funny- even plants that are artificial die on me.

After a couple of minutes I deduced with profound Sherlockinginess
That the power didn’t seem to be coming on anytime soon
I went down to my bedroom
And pushed the buttons on my obsolete tablet
And my obsolete smart phone
They still told the time
Although I deduced (quite accurately it turns out)
That the house wifi probably went out with the power
(It had).

After ten minutes the power came back on
It was still raining heavily
So I couldn’t go out for my evening walk
I decided to see what the movie was on tonight
On a channel that showed movies from 7 PM until midnight

It turns out whenever the power goes out
It takes a while for the cable company
To reset
And mention what shows are on each channel
On the captions they show on each channel
While you’re flipping through

So in order to find out the movie
I’d have to watch until they actually showed the title of the movie
Whatever film it was had intriguing opening shots and cinematography
They showed the producer, the director and a few members of the cast
prior to showing the title of the picture

When they showed the title of the movie
I was horrified
It was the title of the movie
That my friend had recommended I watch
And said that I would but never did
The movie I had inadvertently stumbled across one time
While flipping through the channels
And the scene that I saw had impressed me so little
That I thought the rest of the movie was just as bad.

I looked out the window
The rain was definitely not going to stop anytime soon
So I decided to watch a bit

After all the film’s opening cinematography
While the opening credits were rolling
Had impressed me a great deal

And actually the film’s opening scene, storyline
And dialogue
After the opening credits had impressed me a great deal

I watched
About 10 minutes into the film
Appeared that one scene
Which I had stumbled across that one time
And thought was so bad
I never watched the rest of the film

I have to say I liked this film
I really liked this film
The girl who recommended I watch it
She was right
She thought I’d like it
And I did.

And if it hadn’t been for the fierce thunderstorm
And the power going out
Causing the cable company to reset
Meaning no captions naming the TV shows
On each channel as you’re flipping through
I probably would never have watched it.

What does it mean?
That I finally did?
I don’t know.

But the line that impressed me the most during the show
Among so many impressive lines in the show
Was this
(Movie buffs might be able to guess what movie this was from this one character’s line- let me know in the comments)
“Believing in science is good up to a point
But then after that point, God steps in.”

-A poem written by Christopher
Friday July 2nd 2021

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Scavenger Hunt On The Amalfi Coast

June 10, 2021 at 10:42 pm (Film, Folklore, History, Movies, Mythology, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , )

The ghost of Orson Welles was sitting in an arm chair in the living room of the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set’s colossal London mansion and reflecting on a yacht trip he had made to Italy’s Amalfi Coast in 1953.

The Amalfi Coast is a stretch of coastline on the Tyrrhenian Sea located in the Gulf of Salerno in Southern Italy.

Welles recalled he wasn’t quite sure how he got to the Amalfi Coast.

The last thing he remembered was being on Spain’s Meditteranean coast and imbibing in several glasses of red wine.

The next thing Welles remembered was waking up on a yacht off the Amalfi Coast.

The yacht belonged to an Arab sheikh.

Welles got off the yacht not far from the town of Ravello.

He wandered around the town and ran into an acquaintance fellow actor Humphrey Bogart.

Bogart was in the town along with actresses Jennifer Jones and Gina Lollobrigida and actors Robert Morley, Peter Lorre and Bernard Lee.

They were shooting the 1953 adventure comedy film Beat The Devil.

Bogey teased Welles as they sat in a small outdoor cafe.

“Well, Orson, this film is obviously about beating you,” Bogey smiled, “You’re usually playing a villain in most of your films whether it’s a megalomaniacal newspaper publisher, an ex-Nazi on the verge of becoming a U.S. Supreme Court justice’s son-in-law, a post-war black marketeer on the streets of Vienna or a Renaissance Borgia prince. Your characters are usually human devils of some form or another. Thus as the film title suggests Beat The Devil is about beating you.”

Welles wasn’t about to take this insult lying down.

He answered, “I did play a heroic role in the 1947 film The Lady From Shanghai where my soon-to-be ex-wife played the villainess. Besides in many of your film roles in the 1930s, you often played gangster or mean tough guy roles.”

“Yes but later I played great heroic roles like Rick in Casablanca and Philip Marlowe in The Big Sleep so I was quite the heroic hero whereas you were usually the villainous villain,” Bogey laughed.

“Well, pick a game,” Welles challenged, “I bet I can beat you at it. And then we’ll see who’s the Devil.”

At that moment Gina Lollobrigida approached.

Bogey told her about Welles’ challenge.

The Italian actress suggested an old fashioned scavenger hunt.

Welles and Bogey agreed.

Gina said she would pick what was to be located and found.

She gave the same list to each actor.

Both Welles and Bogey set out on the scavenger hunt.

Welles had spent the entire morning searching.

And he had located what was to be located on Gina’s scavenger list.

Now it was early afternoon and Welles came to the final item on the list.

“What?!” Welles exclaimed, “Find the Greek goddess Hera sitting on a piece of driftwood on the beach? How is that even possible?”.

Still Welles headed down to the beach.

Where he noticed a beautiful woman who looked like a goddess sitting on a piece of driftwood on the beach.

“Excuse me,” Welles addressed the woman, “but you aren’t the Greek goddess Hera by any chance?”.

“I am, Mr. Welles,” the goddess answered, “I’m a big fan of yours so I came down from Mount Olympus to help you beat Bogey.”

Welles took Hera to the cafe where sat Gina and Bogey.

Bogey was looking dejected as he had been unable to find the goddess Hera sitting on a piece of driftwood on the beach.

When Welles introduced the woman as Hera and swore on a King James Bible that he had found her sitting on a piece of driftwood on the beach, Bogey objected, “I believe that you did find her sitting on a piece of driftwood on the beach but how do we know this woman is really Hera?”.

Hera then called on the gods Zeus and Hermes to appear.

When they did so appearing out of thin air, Bogey conceded defeat while Gina looked very surprised.

Angered by his scavenger hunt loss, Bogey went for a car ride where he got into an accident losing several of his teeth.

As a result while adjusting to the loss of his teeth, Bogey was unable to speak clearly and therefore actor Peter Sellers (who was not then well known at the time but had a talent for imitating voices) was hired to dub some of Bogey’s lines speaking like Bogey.

Some of the lines had to be re-dubbed because Sellers instead of speaking like Bogey spoke like Indian actor Hrundi V. Bakshi whom Sellers would later play in the 1968 movie The Party.

And thus that was how through the help of the Greek goddess Hera, Welles was able to beat Bogey at a scavenger hunt.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday June 10th
2021.

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Tanaka and The Unfinished Orson Welles Film Noir

June 9, 2021 at 10:39 pm (Film, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Movies, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

The immortal Lakota Sioux Princess Tanaka: As she appeared in a scene in Orson Welles’ unknown and unfinished Film Noir movie The Feather Casts A Giant Shadow

British MP Renfield R. Renfield was sitting in the living room of the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set’s colossal London mansion and enjoying a fine single malt Scotch whisky as he engaged in conversation with the ghost of Orson Welles.

Renfield was telling Welles how he had run into the immortal Lakota Sioux Princess Tanaka yesterday in a London park and how she had played the most beautiful melody on a beautiful vintage classical lyre.

“Tanaka had once visited Los Angeles in 1946 and she appeared as the heroine in a Film Noir movie I was directing at the time The Feather Casts A Giant Shadow,” Welles reflected over a good spectral glass of spectral red wine, “A film I was sadly unable to finish because it was shut down on orders of the studio heads.”

“How did Tanaka become immortal anyways?” Renfield inquired.

“She had apparently ridden a rare legendary ghost white buffalo back in the late 1870s and it is said that whoever rides a ghost white buffalo becomes immortal,” Welles explained, “And in Tanaka’s case, that turned out to be true.”

“What was the plot of this unfinished Film Noir movie starring Tanaka?” Renfield asked.

“It was about a prestigious Ivy League university secret society,” Welles answered, “one that counts several influential politicians and judges among its membership. And one that specializes in stealing important Native American artifacts.”

“I wonder which Ivy League university secret society you would have based that on,” Renfield remarked sarcastically.

Welles laughed.

For both knew that the secret society in the film was obviously based on Yale University’s Skull and Bones Society.

“And what was the plot of the film?” Renfield wanted to know.

“That the giant Phoenix bird of ancient legend had once flown over the Black Hills of South Dakota and one of its giant feathers had fallen on a hill top,” Welles replied, “where it was found by members of the Lakota Sioux nation. It was kept in a sacred lodge in the Black Hills known only to certain elders and certain members of their families. A member of this Ivy League University secret society accidentally crashed his plane near the lodge and found the lodge with the sacred Phoenix feather present. Being the thorough scoundrel that he was (a future U.S. Presidential candidate if there ever was one), he stole it.
He placed the feather in a room in a Philosophical Research Library and Museum in Los Angeles that was associated with a grand global occultic fraternity of which the Ivy League University Secret Society was just a branch.”

“How did Tanaka’s character fit into the film?” Renfield asked.

“Tanaka played the granddaughter of a Lakota Sioux elder who was one of the Guardians of The Feather,” Welles explained, “She was sent to Los Angeles to bring the Feather back to its original owners.”

“So Tanaka was the heroine,” Renfield nodded, “Who was the femme fatale in the film?”.

“That would have been the secret society member’s girlfriend,” Welles noted, “She was a female Nazi Intelligence officer who had been brought to the United States by the OSS (forerunner of the CIA) in order to help set up America’s post-war Intelligence, National Security and Espionage apparatus.”

“I see,” Renfield finished his glass of whisky and poured himself another, “And so why did the studio heads stop and shut down production of the film?”.

“Because I guess it was hitting a little too close to the truth of what was actually happening in the U.S. at the time,” Welles answered, “Apparently FBI Director J. Edgar Hoover himself showed up in the offices of the studio head ordering that the film’s production be immediately halted. And to add insult to injury, Hoover apparently showed up wearing one of the dresses that Vivien Leigh wore as Scarlett O’ Hara in the movie Gone With The Wind. The production ceased with a single phone call within 5 minutes of Hoover’s arrival.”

“How very sad,” Renfield sipped his second glass of Scotch, “It sounds like the film would have been a great classic.”

Lakota Sioux Princess Tanaka appearing in a scene in Orson Welles’ unfinished Film Noir classic The Feather Casts A Giant Shadow.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday June 9th
2021.

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Orson Welles On The Orient Express

May 25, 2021 at 10:38 pm (Espionage, Film, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Espionage, International Intrigue, Movies, Spy Tales, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

The ghost of Orson Welles sat in a comfortable arm chair in the living room of the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set’s colossal London mansion.

He was sipping a spectral glass of spectral red wine.

He was reflecting on a dream he had as a young mortal man where he was contemplating directing a spy film set on the Orient Express.

Agatha Christie had published a Hercule Poirot novel called Murder On The Orient Express back in 1934.

The spy film set aboard the Orient Express that Welles was planning to make would have been done 20 years before Sean Connery’s 1963 James Bond film From Russia With Love part of which was set aboard the Orient Express.

However Welles’ idea for the film was rejected by film studio heads.

When Welles had the dream that became the basis for the proposed film, he dreamed he was back in the mid-1930s.

Soviet Stalinist agents had stolen the Spear of Longinus (the spear said to have pierced the side of Christ as recorded in the New Testament) from the Hofburg Palace Museum in Vienna, Austria.

They were now riding the Orient Express to Istanbul where they would then board a ship from Istanbul to Odessa.

And then from Odessa the Soviet Stalinist agents would head to Moscow and then to Stalin.

However Nazi spies were also on the trail of the Soviet agents as Hitler too desired to possess the Spear of Longinus for world conquest.

Britain and France had likewise sent their best agents to recapture the Spear of Longinus.

Welles played the British agent Sir Cyril Bellerophon.

He was to rendezvous with France’s top agent aboard the Orient Express.

All Welles’ Bellerophon knew was that the French agent’s initials were ML.

As Welles’ character of Sir Cyril Bellerophon sat in the empty dining car (as it was currently neither breakfast, lunch or dinnertime aboard the train), a beautiful woman entered the Orient Express dining car and approached him.

She walked up to Welles’ Bellerophon and said, “Bonjour Monsieur. Je suis Monique Labelle.”

Welles bowed and said, “Bonjour Mademoiselle. Je suis Sir Cyril Bellerophon.”

It had occurred to Welles that Monique LaBelle (whose intials were ML) was the French agent.

That turned out to be the case.

Welles thought it was a shame he woke up from the dream and had no idea how the whole scenario would end.

Still he had a chance to kiss Monique Labelle before he woke up.

And that Welles’ ghost reflected as he lit himself a spectral cigar was the important thing.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday May 25th
2021

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Orson Welles, Faust, Marilyn Monroe and The Asphalt Jungle

April 22, 2021 at 10:55 pm (Film, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, Movies, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

The ghost of Orson Welles sat in an armchair in the living room of the London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set.

He had been imbibing several spectral glasses of spectral red wine from a large bottle of spectral red wine and reminiscing to Renfield about his mortal life.

“I’m not quite sure how it happened,” Welles’ nose was starting to look as red as that of his favourite Shakespearian character Falstaff, “but I somehow managed one day to find myself on the set of the 1950 film noir movie The Asphalt Jungle in which Marilyn Monroe starred.”

“Did you?” Renfield was intrigued.

“Yes,” Welles nodded, “and what was even more intriguing is that the Renaissance German alchemist Dr. Johann Georg Faust (who was born in 1480 and supposedly died in an alchemical experiment explosion at the Hotel zum Lowen in the German town of Staufen im Breisgau in 1540 but he did not) was also on the set of that film.”

“That’s right,” Renfield nodded, “Faust didn’t die until 2011 when I hired an Irish arsonist to bump him off.”

“That’s interesting,” Welles poured himself another glass of spectral red wine, “anyways I wasn’t sure what Faust was doing there.”

“My friend the vampiress Mei-ling Manchu who used to be a Communist but isn’t anymore (as she and I have conceived a plot to bump off Xi Jinping) was doing some research and discovered that Faust was doing biological warfare research for the Nazis in the 1930s and 1940s. Apparently that research involved working with bats in Mexico. Somehow that bat research wound up in the hands of Soong Mei-ling (Madame Chiang Kai-shek). Soong Mei-ling’s Kuomintang operatives who had his research papers later defected to the Communist forces of Mao Tse-tung,” Renfield noted, “Later that research wound up in the hands of the Wuhan Institute of Virology.”

“That is interesting,” Welles acknowledged.

“What was Faust doing on the set of The Asphalt Jungle?” Renfield inquired.

“I think he was brought in as some sort of last minute technical advisor,” Welles recalled.

Renfield googled images of the film.

“Well, would you look at that,” Renfield was shocked.

“What is it?” Welles asked.

Renfield showed him the photo.

“It’s Marilyn Monroe with the image of the Coronavirus behind her,” Renfield noted.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday April 22nd
2021.

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An Intersection of Time

April 10, 2021 at 10:58 pm (Film, Ghost Story, love, Movies, Music, Poetry, Romance, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , )

The year was 1929.
The bride was waiting for the wedding to begin.
She looked behind her.
And noticed one of the candles had burnt out.
Was this an omen she wondered?
Was she making the right decision?
Was her life about to become like that burnt out candle?

2021.
Amadeus Emanon was standing on the stage of an empty nightclub.
The nightclub was closed due to Boris Johnson’s lockdown.
But Amadeus felt at his best when performing on a stage.
He may not be able to sing to people in the club.
But he felt he was able to sing to ghosts.
The ghosts of the past.
The ghosts of the present.
And the ghosts of the future.

The ghosts of the present.
People alone and isolated.
And fading away
Under an iron curtain
That had descended all across the globe.

The ghosts of the future
If there was a future
Those whose anguished cries could not reach the present
As the darkness fell
And everything was void
and waiting for that moment
Of the spoken Word,
“Let there be light.”

Ghosts of the past.
In a distant theatre box
Amadeus saw a woman in silhoutte
A bride
Looking back at a burnt out candle
Silent
Apprehensive
As if she was looking at an omen.

Amadeus began to sing
And sang to the woman
To the bride…

Moon River, wider than a mile
I’m crossing you in style someday
Oh dream maker
You heartbreaker
Where ever you’re going I’m going your way
Two drifters off to see the world
There’s such a lot of world to see
We’re after the same rainbow’s end
Waiting round the bend
My huckleberry friend
Moon River and me.

Amadeus lowered his head
The song was finished
The spot light was fading
And it was as if the singer
Was waiting for the applause

That never came.

The bride listened
She had never heard the song
And probably would not again
Unless on some far off 1961 morning
She had breakfast at Tiffany’s

But the song gave her courage
And inspired her to walk down the aisle
And grasp the hand of her love
Her huckleberry friend
Two drifters off to see the world
Because
there’s such a lot of world to see

The moon came through
Shining through the stained glass window
Depicting the Jordan River
And at this nighttime service
It shone brightly
On the spot
Where the one candle had burnt out

In the far off distance
Amadeus’ voice carried through time,
“Moon River and thee.”

-A poem and vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday April 10th
2021.

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The Tallbanger Scene

March 26, 2021 at 9:57 pm (Entertainment, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, Movies, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

1921 Hollywood.

The director Charles William Lewis was directing a scene.

A strange looking man Count Nosferatu had recently approached him about directing a vampire film- an adaptation of Bram Stoker’s novel Dracula.

Lewis had agreed.

And today he would be shooting the scene where Count Nosferatu bites two young women.

Unbeknownst to Lewis, Count Nosferatu was working as an operative for the Soviet Commisar of War Leon Trotsky.

Trotsky was fascinated by the Count Nosferatu’s power of hypnosis.

He was wondering if this hypnotic power could come across via this new medium of film.

If someone like Nosferatu could hypnotize movie audiences and say… make them all Communist in their thinking, it would certainly be a new warfare tactic.

Trotsky would try this experiment in the greatest bastion of capitalism in the world- the United States of America.

And thus Nosferatu went to America.

To Hollywood.

And to the now long forgotten Charles William Lewis Studios.

But a friend of British politician Winston Churchill had found out about the Trotsky-Count Nosferatu Plan.

And acting on behalf of Churchill, the friend had gone to America.

To Hollywood.

To the now long forgotten Charles William Lewis Studios.

Nosferatu was now about to make his first appearance in the movie to his two young victims.

He found himself hit over the head by a box of carrots and rendered unconscious.

Churchill’s friend then made his own appearance in the movie.

Although he himself could not be seen.

But his shadow could.

The two actresses screamed.

If the film had been shot in colour and Churchill’s friend could actually be seen (and not just his shadow) the camera would have shown a 6 foot 8 tall bunny rabbit with big pink floppety ears.

Count Nosferatu vanished from history.

Although a German actor named Max Schreck would later play Nosferatu’s persona in an F.W. Murnau directed German Expressionist film released a year later in 1922.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday March 26th
2021.

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Star-Crossed Leprechaun

March 11, 2021 at 11:43 pm (Espionage, Film, Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, History, International Intrigue, Movies, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

“Darling, darling, what is it you saw?” Parker Andrewes asked his wife Claire.

“Perhaps Madame Andrewes would like a cup of tea?” Bela the butler put a tea tray down on the table next to the lounging chair where Claire Andrewes had collapsed after looking out the window.

“Tea would be nice,” said Claire.

“Darling, what was it you saw?” Parker Andrewes asked his wife again.

“A leprechaun,” Claire replied.

“A leprechaun?” Parker Andrewes was stunned by the reply.

“You mean like the wee green folk who live in Ireland?” Bela inquired.

“Yes,” Claire nodded.

Our story begins several hours earlier in the year 2021 at 10 Downing Street in London.

“And what did you say your name was again?” British Prime Minister Boris Johnson asked his bald headed guest with the big fangs protruding over his mouth.

“Count Nosferatu,” the bald headed man with big fangs answered.

“Count Nosferatu?” Johnson removed some scrambled eggs that had been caught in his hair, “You mean like Count Dracula?”.

“No, Count Nosferatu like the 1922 German silent film Nosferatu starring Max Schreck,” the bald headed vampire answered, “Although his name was Count Orlok in the film but mine is Nosferatu. That’s because I was the world’s first Nosferatu.”

“What’s the difference between Nosferatu and other vampires?” Johnson removed some slices of bacon caught in his hair.

“Nosferatu are bald headed vampires,” Count Nosferatu replied.

“Really?” Boris Johnson started washing his hair with Johnson’s Baby Shampoo, “I hope that won’t happen to me. The ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith turned me into what she called a zombie nosferatu. I hope this doesn’t mean I’m going to go bald.”

“Many zombies still have hair,” Count Nosferatu reflected, “so perhaps you’ll be more zombie than nosferatu.”

“Gosh, I certainly hope so,” Johnson started drying his hair with heat from a toaster he held upside down over his head.

“I think someone’s filming us,” Count Nosferatu pointed to the potted plants on the stand outside the 2nd floor balcony window.

“It must be the blasted members of the press again,” Johnson seethed, “I’m going to settle this once and for all. I’m going to moon them.”

Johnson pulled his trousers and boxer shorts down.

He then turned around and bent over.

Yaldabaoth the Irish leprechaun was standing in the potted plants filming the Boris Johnson-Count Nosferatu meeting on behalf of Peter Whitstable the man they call the Fox Mulder of Interpol.

He was startled by the sight of Boris Johnson mooning him.

So much so that he pushed the wrong button on his Houdini-Tesla-Pantages-Welles-Lamarr Magic Lantern Film Projector and Camera.

The device could also serve as an instrument for time travel.

Yaldabaoth wound up in the year 1939 on the Parker Andrewes Estate near Watertown New York.

Claire Andrewes happened to be looking out the Andrewes mansion window at the time.

She noticed the wee leprechaun.

Yaldbaoth tried pushing another button on the device to return to the time from whence he came.

Instead he pushed a button that projected 3-D holographic images of the Boris Johnson-Count Nosferatu meeting including the British Prime Minister’s infamous mooning of the potted plants on the 2nd floor balcony window.

The sight of Johnson’s moon landing sent Claire Andrewes reeling into her lounging chair where her husband Parker and their butler Bela came rushing to her aid.

The ghost of radio show host Paul Harvey appeared outside the mansion and speaking into a ghostly microphone said, “And now you know the rest of the story.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday March 11th
2021.

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If Ed Wood Jr. Had Directed Casablanca

February 15, 2021 at 11:53 pm (Comedy, Culture, Film, Movies, Romance, Vampire novel) (, )

Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster was having a dream about what would have happened if the famed 1950s corny sci-fi and horror film director Ed Wood Jr. had directed the 1942 film Casablanca instead of Michael Curtiz.

Michelangelo entered the old time movie theatre carrying his large popcorn and large Coke just at the moment of the film’s climatic ending.

Michelangelo took a seat in the front row so that no tall idiot could sit in front of him.

This is what he saw:

Rick: Ilsa, I thought you were getting on a plane.

Ilsa: So did I, Rick. But all that seems to be here is this wheelbarrow.

Rick: I knew I shouldn’t have sent you to one of those fly-by-night Casablanca travel agencies. They promise you the world and give you one of those washroom cubicles.

Ilsa: Oh, Rick. What should I do?

Rick: Where’s your husband Victor Laszlo?

Ilsa: He came down with food poisoning after eating in your Cafe Americain, Rick.

Rick: Damn. I told the chef to “Cook it again, Pam.”

Ilsa: It looks like the only way to Lisbon is in this wheelbarrow, Rick.

Rick (looking at his watch): You better get started then, Ilsa. It’s going to take a long time floating in the Mediterranean past the Straits of Gibraltor and then up part of the Atlantic coast to reach Portugal. I don’t know how far it is to Lisbon from the Portuguese coast. Geography was never my strong point. That’s why I wasn’t so successful running guns during the Spanish Civil War by going to South Africa instead of Spain.

Ilsa: But do wheelbarrows float, Rick?

Rick: I don’t know, Ilsa. Archimedes and his theory of water dispersal was never my strong point either. That’s why I have to have a lifeguard standing by every time I take a bath.

Ilsa (throwing her arms around Rick): Oh Rick, I can’t leave you.

Rick: Listen, Ilsa, if you don’t get into that wheelbarrow, you’ll regret it. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. But someday and soon.

Ilsa (with tears in her eyes): But what about us, Rick?

Rick: We’ll always have Paris.

Ilsa: Where you stuck me with paying the check?

Rick: Where I stuck you with paying the check.

Ilsa: I hope I won’t regret this, Rick. (Gets into wheelbarrow)

Rick: You won’t regret it, Ilsa.

Ilsa: I’m starting to regret it already, Rick. This wheelbarrow is loaded with wet cement.

Rick: What the- ?

Ilsa: And the cement seems to be rising, Rick. It’s burying me alive.

(Captain Louis Renault of the Vichy French Police Casablanca Division arrives on the scene)

Captain Renault: Well it appears our Ilsa Lund has become a hardened criminal.

Rick: Hardened yes. But I don’t think a criminal.

(The rest of the Vichy Police Force Casablanca Department arrive)

Captain Renault (blowing his whistle): Men, our would be escaped refugee Ilsa Lund has become a concrete case. Round up the usual suspects.

(The police head off to round up the usual suspects)

Captain Renault: You know, Rick, I’ve always been wanting a statue by the fountain in my back yard garden. I’ll pay you 10,000 francs if you wheel this wheelbarrow down to my garden and place Ilsa there next to the fountain.

Rick (picking up the two handles of the wheelbarrow): You know, Louis. This could be the start of a beautiful friendship.

(Rick pushing the wheelbarrow and Captain Louis Renault depart together into the foggy mist filled night).

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday February 15th
2021

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Valentine’s Day 2021 – 75th Anniversary of Release of Rita Hayworth’s Gilda

February 14, 2021 at 11:33 pm (Arts, Culture, Entertainment, Film, History, Movies, Romance, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

It was 75 years ago today that the 1946 film Gilda starring Rita Hayworth was released.

The ghost of Orson Welles was sitting in an armchair in a reflective mood as he sat there sipping a spectral glass of spectral red wine.

“A penny for your thoughts,” said Renfield R. Renfield as he sat in an armchair sipping a brandy.

“He’s probably sitting there thinking it’s Valentine’s Day Night and none of us have a date this evening,” Dr. Marmalade Montague quipped as he sipped a cognac.

In the guest lobster tank in the living room of the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set’s London mansion, Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster held up a sign that asked WHEN SHALL WE FOUR LOSERS MEET AGAIN? IN THUNDER, LIGHTNING OR IN SPAIN?

“I think that’s supposed to be rain not Spain,” Renfield remarked.

In the kitchen, Athelstan the butler could be heard singing the song, “The rain in Spain stays mainly on the plain…”

“Remember to remind me never to fly over Spain,” Renfield commented.

“I don’t think it’s that type of plane,” Montague observed,” “I think it’s plain as in flat grassland not the object that flies through the air.”

Welles’ ghost was brought back to the present by the sheer inanity of the current conversation.

“I was just thinking that it was 75 years ago today that the movie Gilda starring my then wife Rita Hayworth was released,” Welles wiped away a spectral tear.

“That was considered her greatest role wasn’t it?” Renfield asked.

“It was,” Welles blew his ghostly nose in his spectral handkerchief as tears continued to fall down his cheeks and beard like Niagara Falls.

Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster pulled his waterproof guitar out of his waterproof suitcase and started playing the song Put The Blame On Mame.

“That song was from the movie Gilda wasn’t it?” Dr. Marmalade Montague asked.

“It was,” Welles’ ghost wiped away another spectral tear from his eyes.

“I don’t want to come across as being insensitive or anything,” Renfield adjusted his t-shirt that said THEY DON’T CALL ME LOUT FOR NOTHING, “but why are you bawling like a baby?”.

“Because less than 2 years after that film came out, Rita and I divorced,” Welles wiped away another tear, “Our marriage always was under somewhat a strain. Because as Rita herself said, “It’s tough being married to a genius’.”

“I’m sure that’s one problem Mrs. Justin Trudeau doesn’t have,” Renfield quipped.

“Anyways,” Welles continued, “After Gilda came out, Rita became a goddess in the public eye. And it’s tough for a mere mortal man to be married to a goddess.”

“I wonder if the reverse is true,” Dr. Marmalade Montague lit a pipe, “If it’s tough for a mere mortal woman to be married to a god.”

“Well there goes the Dan Brown hypothesis about who Mary Magdalene was married to down the drain,” Renfield reflected.

Meanwhile Nefertiti Galore the Estate’s guard cat had pulled the drain on the guest lobster tank much to Michelangelo’s discomfiture.

“Oh Rita, Rita,” Orson sobbed.

Welles’ mind returned to an earlier time.

When Rita played Gilda.

It seemed to be a far happier Valentine’s Day 75 years ago when Gilda was released.

For at that time, neither knew what the future held.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday February 14th
2021.

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