Cardi B. and The Time Traveller: A Poem

February 7, 2019 at 11:56 pm (Culture, Detective story, Entertainment, Geopolitics and International Relations, Gothic, Gothic poem, Gothic romance, History, International Intrigue, Music, music videos, Mystery, Mythology, News, Poetry, Romance, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )


Singer Cardi B. flees Lancaster Hall in England in 1888 leaving behind a giant sized shoe.

“So you really expect me to believe you’re a time traveller from the year 2019?” Consulting detective Sherlock Holmes asked somewhat skeptically.

“Whether you believe it or not, it is true,” replied Dracul Van Helsing who had recently seen Achilles slay his enemy in a manner most Hectorly.

“I have worked on stranger cases,” Holmes admitted.

He looked at Dracul wondering if he should have him committed.

“And what do you mean by a hip hop singer?” Holmes looked as though he’d been through the ringer.

“Do not worry about musical terms from the future,” said Dracul, “rather worry about Cardi B. whom Vampiress Lilith wants to goose her.”

“May I ask why?” Holmes looked up at the dark sky.

“It has to do with Solomon and the Queen of Sheba,” Dracul stated in the midst of an atmospheric upheava.

Holmes looked confused, the coachman looked bemused and the estate cat looked amused.

“It has to do with Cardi B.’s real name,” Dracul played with an open window pane.

“Which is,” Van Helsing went on, “Belcalls Almanzar. Watch out for that falling star…

Holmes quickly jumped out of the way.

And the star landed in some hay.

Much to a hungry horse’s dismay.

His dinner went up in a blaze of smoke.

All that’s left- a solitary artichoke.

The horse ate the artichoke as Dracul continued his story,

“Lilith’s dealings with Solomon- somewhat gory…”

“But what does this have to do with Cardi B.?” Holmes lit his pipe under a tree.

“Her real name,” a soft breeze came, “Belcalls refers to the Queen of Sheba and Almanzar means watchtower. Watch that flower..”

Holmes avoided stepping on the Lancaster Hall estate’s red rose as the cat pranced about on tippy toes.

“So Lilith thinks Cardi B. is the watchtower of the Queen of Sheba,” Dracul went on, “so vampiress wreaks vengeance on Solomon by killing this singing diva.”

A scream went through the air as the terror that flies by night lost her shoes while Sherlock looked in the garden for more clues.

Cardi ran off after the terror by night while Lilith’s shoe glittered in the lamplight.

The next day, Cardi rode a white horse into the countryside

where horse and rider gave each other quite the ride.

-A poem and vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday February 7th
2019.

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The Cosmic Origins of P.H. Lovecat

February 4, 2019 at 11:56 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, History, International Intrigue, Music, Mystery, Mythology, News, Politics, Spy Tales, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

His name was Peter Hieronymous Felinedamour.

P. H. Felinedamour for short.

He was an artist.

An artist inspired by the writings of H.P. Lovecraft.

Many Lovecraftian entities showed up in his paintings.

And in the art show that Dashwood Forrest (the Oscar Wilde admiring owner of the Dashwood Forrest Art Gallery in London) would be opening tonight in his gallery, the last painting that Peter Hieronymous Felinedamour ever painted – from December 21st 2012 (the same night that he disappeared) – would be on pre-eminent display in the middle of the gallery for this art show.

Dashwood Forrest was currently showing the painting to British MP Renfield R. Renfield and his date for this evening Lepardia Marango the cultural attache at the South African Embassy in London.

Renfield was bringing Lepardia to the gallery as a way of saying thanks to the cultural attache for saving the Transhumanist MP’s life this past weekend.

Lepardia had stopped an assasination attempt on Renfield by wrestling to the ground the Russian vampiress and FSB operative Svetlana Kireeva.

The incident occurred in the final match of a darts tournament being held at the Clytemnestra’s Revenge and Agamemnon’s Bathtub Pub and Beef House.

The wrestling match between mortal woman and immortal (unless staked through the heart) vampiress caused Renfield to lose the tournament by wrecking his final throw.

Svetlana had intended to assasinate Renfield by firing a poison dart at him with an Amazon tribesman’s blow gun.

Instead the dart hit the left foot of the American Jesuit priest Father Neville Barack Chamberlain (who was theological advisor to New York Cardinal Timothy Dolan advising His Eminence on how to take a firm stand on the most pressing doctrinal and moral issues of the day) causing a paralysis in the priest’s right testicle in an example of acupuncture and chi energy gone horribly wrong.

Lepardia and Renfield gazed at the P.H. Felinedamour painting entitled

Artemis, Cthulhu, Diana’s Sacred Deer and Hecate’s Familiar Black Cat With Clytemnestra Holding A Net and Agamemnon Screaming In The Nude In The Background.

“So that was the last painting he ever painted?” Renfield asked the London art gallery owner as he downed a reddish pink with shades of China blue shooter called Vincent Van Gogh’s Missing Ear.

Ariana Grande walked by in a slit skirted evening dress that prominently displayed her new “Barbecue Grill Finger” (in Japanese lettering) tattoo.

The singer was eating Honey Dipped Chicken Fingers from McDonalds.

No doubt Bill Clinton and the Rev. Jesse Jackson would have loved to have been flies on the wall (or even better, flies on the floor) as the lovely Miss Grande walked by.

“That is correct,” Forrest bowed to Renfield as Renfield crushed and killed a pair of flies on the floor with his right shoe.

Forrest’s personal secretary arrived on the scene to inform the Oscar Wilde lookalike London art gallery owner that his living dead Irish manservant and valet Mulligan the Irish zombie had just accidentally spilled barbecued chicken wings hors d’oeuvres down the evening dress of British Prime Minister Theresa May.

“Excuse me,” Forrest whispered to Renfield and Lepardia as his face turned as pale as the portrait of Dorian Gray and he rushed in the direction of the catastrophe.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday February 4th
2019.


Ariana Grande: Showing off her “Barbecue Grill Finger” (in Japanese lettering) tattoo at the P.H. Lovecat (Felinedamour) Art Show.

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Amadeus’ Song: A Distant Mirror Reflects

January 9, 2019 at 11:19 pm (Arts, Culture, Geopolitics and International Relations, Gothic, International Intrigue, Music, Mystery/horror, Mythology, News, Poetry, Romance, Science-Fiction, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Singer Amadeus Emanon was in the recording studio of Aulos Music and Recording Ltd. on London’s Abbey Road.

His producer Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell gave him the thumbs up.

Amadeus started to sing,

In Beverly Hills, you never grow old
your body uses science to take on a new glow
Life eternal is now in a pill

On those nights when the moon rises high
and stardust mixes with water and wine
what was blood to the Son of Man falls on dry barren ground

This is the new Hollywood
replacing that holy wood of long ago
Golgotha’s hill gives way to the hills of Beverly

And now a new god beckons me from behind that silver screen
offering me love, sex and immortality
it’s all so thrilling and so new
All I have to do is give my soul away
And watch the light from blood red moon
signal the start of a brand new day
Amazon and Google like John the Baptist lead the way
5G flows into my brain like San Francisco’s golden rain
Circuitry and arteries have now fused and merged into one

The flashes of light and the deity in sight
They burst all around like galaxies abound
The celestial mass divides again and again
DNA has never been this way
Our being is changed in the twinkling of an eye
And we can do it all without that Carpenter guy

And so I’ve taken the Mark
My life is one with android electrical spark
I’ve changed this flesh for a mechanical heart
one that will forever beat even without love
I know I will live forever and never ever die
That fruit of tree in Garden is so yesterday
far too earthy and natural
nothing like today
when science and high tech have shown us the way

The lights of Metropolis of yesterday
have given way to Metropolis’ lights today
What was there on the screen of ’20s German Expressionist film
has come to pass with Transhumanist technocracy know-how
Lovecraft saw the Great Old Ones coming back
but not the shiny new gadgets they carried in their sack
They have offered us all the kingdoms of this world
gold, precious jewels and all diverse manners of pearl
and have offered us immortality to boot
We have now become the gods
And the food of the gods?
Our own souls
that we eat daily.
Amen and amen.

Heathcliff Dioynsus Campbell nodded that was a rap.

Amadeus took off his headphones and in his mind’s eye, saw a distant mirror.

To the Hollywood of the early 1940s when Carson Cody Albion Private Eye was offered immortality with a divinely human touch from the Syro-Phoenician goddess Atargatis:

The flesh was weak back then.

But, Amadeus reflected, thanks to advances in science and technology, the spirit itself has become weak.

And all of us are now ready to betray the Son of Man without so much as a kiss.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday January 9th
2018.

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Laurence Olivier’s Hamlet Reflects On His Grandmother’s Death

December 23, 2018 at 11:57 pm (Music, music videos, Video) (, , , , )

This is a one and a half minute music video I made 9 years ago.

For the video, I downloaded a clip from the 1948 film Hamlet starring Laurence Olivier.

I then edited it slightly so that Laurence Olivier’s actions holding the skull in the graveyard fit the lyrics of the song.

Hope you enjoy it. ☺

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What Is Causing The Paris Riots: A Free Verse Poem As Explanation

December 7, 2018 at 11:58 pm (Comedy, Geopolitics and International Relations, Horror, International Intrigue, love, Movies, Music, Musicals, Mystery, Mystery/horror, Mythology, News, Poetry, Romance, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

Several weeks ago, the Cyborg Octopus Kraken
Who called himself Emperor Napoleon VI
Had been dining with his wife Medusa
(The ex-Gorgon famed for getting people stoned
In the glory days of classical and ancient Greece)
In a Parisienne cafe
When Medusa suddenly found Vincent Van Gogh’s ear
In her house salad
so she sent it back.

“I hate to do this to you, Banksy,”
The salad prep chef said to
The famous graffiti street artist
As he cut his ear off with a carving knife
Banksy had thought of becoming a musician
As well as an artist
but now he had no ear for music.

“Much better,” Medusa said
As she bit into Banksy’s ear.
“You’re becoming somewhat cannibalistic in your old age,”
The Kraken remarked as he bit into the evening dinner special
which was roast octopus.

“How old do you think I am?”
asked Medusa
who used Oil of Olay
She looked very young indeed.

Medusa then bit into the fried snake
As the hairs on her head stood on end.

“Charmed I’m sure,” Sir Anthony Hopkins tipped his hat
And bowed to the couple
as he exited
(He had eaten the roast lamb souvlaki that evening)
He was in Paris doing a one night special performance
at Le Phantome Masquerade
Musique de Le Soir
Faberge Garnier Christian Dior Coco Chanel Opera House –
a musical version of
The Silence of The Lambs.

Jodie Foster emerged from the restaurant closet
with a woman tennis player and a woman golf player
and followed the knighted Welsh actor
to the theatre
as director Martin Scorsese
tried to hail a taxi driver
and Beelzebub the lord of the flies
plotted the last temptation of Christ.

“You don’t seem to be enjoying your roast octopus this evening,”
The Norse trickster god Loki
(who looked and talked a lot like actor Jack Nicholson)
remarked
as he fed Donald Trump’s toupee
(which he had swiped from the Oval Office of the White House)
to the restaurant Maitre’ D’s pet red spider monkey.

“I’d like to be Emperor of France,”
The Kraken calling himself Napoleon VI
wiped a tear from his eye,
“but I can’t while Emmanuel Macron is President.”

“Hm, I think I can do something about that,”
Loki remarked as Ricky Martin’s dinner date for the evening
accidentally peed all over Loki’s Casablanca Humphrey Bogart looking white dinner jacket
turning it a very vibrant yellow colour.

“And I think I’ve got an idea,”
Loki remarked
as he looked down at his now yellow coloured jacket
and just received a text message on his smart phone
from his accountant
on what would be the heating cost
of his Paris apartment
next year.

“And that dear children,”
The inebriated looking Santa Claus
took off his wired rimmed glasses
and wiped them
at the Ayn Rand Daycare Centre
where he was speaking,
“is how the origins of the Paris riots
and fires came to pass.”

-A comedy horror poem
and vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday December 7th
2018.


Rita Hayworth won’t be coming down Emmanuel Macron’s chimney tonight.

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1st Video of The Resurrected Dragon Princess Lenora of Lemuria

November 8, 2018 at 11:53 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Music, music videos, Mythology, News, Romance, Science-Fiction, The Supernatural, Vampire novel, Video, videos) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

The billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set was lying in his upright Egyptian sarcophagus in his colossal bedroom in his colossal London mansion drinking chai tea on a tray in front of him that was poured from a tea pot that resembled the Taj Mahal.

His cat Nefertiti Galore caught several vampiric flesh eating rats that had been sent into Set’s bedroom by his enemy siblings Isis and Osiris.

Set’s butler and valet Athelstan arrived to tell him how the Cousteau brothers’ marine archaeological expeditions (that Set was personally financing) were going.

Both Cousteau brothers Louis Alphonse and Toulouse (who were great nephews of the famous 20th Century French oceanographer Jacques Cousteau) had discovered the lost continents of Lemuria and Atlantis respectively the past couple of months.

In the South Pacific, Louis Alphonse Cousteau had discovered the glass coffin containing the perfectly preserved body of Lenora the last Dragon Warrioress Crown Princess of Lemuria in the sunken city of Mu the capital city of the lost continent of Lemuria.

Dr. Cadbury Rocher had sent a drone (in the shape of a mechanical pterodactyl) to the South Pacific (an object photographed and video recorded by various people who posted the pics to YouTube conspiracy channels devoted to the topic of NASA covering up the existence of dinosaurs in the modern world) containing a test tube of Dr. Cadbury Rocher’s Resurrection Serum – a combination of ambrosia (that kept the Greek Olympian gods immortal) dried tana leaves (like in the early 1940s Universal Pictures Mummy films that kept the mummy Kharis alive), dried eucalyptus leaves (whose fresh eucalyptus leaves keep koala bears alive) and dried Canadian recreational cannabis leaves (whose smoking and inhaling keeps Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau’s genetically created pot smoking desert cactus plant named Strawberry Fields Forever alive).

The serum when poured between Dragon Warrioress Crown Princess Lenora of Lemuria’s lips immediately brought her back from the dead.

Louis Alphonse Cousteau shot a video of the Lemurian Dragon Warrioress Princess doing her happy dance at being brought back from the dead:

The Dragon Princess wasn’t quite ready yet to show her face to the world.

After watching the video, Set then closed his sarcophagus lid.

Athelstan proceeded to do some dusting around the Egyptian vampire’s bedroom when suddenly he noticed a milky white substance overflowing from his Divine Vampiric Lordship’s sarcophagus.

“Good Lord!” Athelstan exclaimed, “Isis and Osriris have found a way to drown the master!”.

He immediately ran over and opened the sarcophagus lid.

“Close the f%!&*!ing lid, you idiot,” Set shouted as he was caught with his Hugh Hefner style red velvet pyjama bottoms down and his hands on the region between his hips.

“Sorry, sir,” Athelstan immediately closed the lid down, “I thought maybe your nephew Horus had come up with a way of Death By Kellogg’s Corn Flakes.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday November 8th
2018.

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The Donald T-Rump Song

October 24, 2018 at 9:44 pm (Arts, Celebrities, Comedy, Geopolitics and International Relations, Humour, International Intrigue, Music, News, Poetry, Politics, Satire, Songs) (, , , , , , , , , )

Oh, let us drink a drink, a drink
to Donald T-Rump, T-Rump
the saviour of the human race
or so he thought in his head
for which a poor red spider monkey bled

Now Donald T-Rump thought he was Julius Caesar
because he was just that type of senile geezer
but he forgot his Roman history
it’s certainly no mystery
Julius was assassinated
dying very constipated
and Augustus took over
like a four leaf clover
while Jared Kushner returns home from Dover
to take the reigns of power
for it is the False Messianic hour.

-A song written
by Christopher
Friday October 19th
2018
to the tune of
The Irish Rovers song
Lily The Pink

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Phantom of The Opera: A Poem As Sung and Recorded By Amadeus Emanon

September 14, 2018 at 10:37 pm (Culture, Entertainment, Fantasy, Film, Folklore, Ghost Story, love, Music, music videos, Musicals, Poetry, Romance, theatre, Theatre Arts, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

Phantom of The Opera: A Poem
Sung and Recorded By Amadeus Emanon

Amadeus Emanon was at London music promoter Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell’s Wuthering Heights and Glencoe Hospitality Recording Studios (owned by Heathcliff’s company Aulos Music and Recording Ltd.) to record his first album Erik’s Lament: The Agony and Ecstasy of A Phantom In The Night.

Amadeus Emanon sang this song:

Phantom of The Opera: A Lament

Oh Phantom, you are the lonely one
You loved Christine who was daylight
to your realms of darkness
She let the sunlight shine in your heart
You taught her to sing
But she taught you to love
And hers by far was the greater gift

There in your lair beneath the Opera deep
Where you lay many an hour to lie there and weep
And let the hate consume your heart like heat
Burned and singed was it making your scar look neat

For your look you thought no one could love
Depriving you of joy on earth and in heaven above
But Christine looked and she saw
but you turned away and you let her go
For in the mirror you saw just the scar
But in her eyes, she saw your very soul
But you did not see and you did not know
And your love departed by the river’s flow

Oh what music you could have made
But your heart you buried in hate’s grave
For Christine wanted to be your love not your slave
Now she’s left you and gone away
While you pine all night and long for day
The day you once had but chased away
leaving you with childhood toys you used to play
And now your soul then your music will decay.

(-A poem written by Christopher
Friday September 7th 2018)

Inspired by the character of Erik as he is portrayed in Andrew Lloyd Webber’s musical The Phantom of The Opera.

Amadeus Emanon as he appears on the cover of his album (making it look like he was posing with his violin in an old 19th Century style photograph)

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Notwithstanding The Hurricane Winds of Change

September 10, 2018 at 11:11 pm (Arts, Culture, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Music, Mythology, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

Notwithstanding The Hurricane Winds of Change

Amadeus Emanon was working to get an album of songs he had personally written produced by London music promoter Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell the CEO of Aulos Music and Recording Ltd.

It was helpful to Amadeus’ cause that it was his boss the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set (owner of Set Enterprises) who lent Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell the money to buy Aulos Music and Recording Ltd. for himself (Heathcliff had previously been Executive Vice-President of the company).

Of course Heathcliff probably would not have signed Amadeus to a recording contract despite that unless Amadeus had been both a talented songwriter and a talented singer.

Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell’s good friend the New Orleans vampiress and songstress Angelique Dumont (best known for her role as Christine Daae in many West End London theatre productions of Andrew Lloyd Webber’s The Phantom of The Opera since 2007) had highly recommended Amadeus Emanon.

Both Amadeus and Angelique were taking a break from their recording session at Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell’s Wuthering Heights and Glencoe Hospitality Recording Studios on London’s Abbey Road.

They were meeting with Amadeus’ good friend British MP Renfield R. Renfield in Lord Poseidon God of The Seas’ Unparalleled Fish ‘N Chips Shop – a favourite of Amadeus.

“So,” Renfield looked shocked as Amadeus ate only one plate of Fish ‘N Chips (Amadeus had been scolded quite a lot lately by Angelique Dumont to cut down on his large appetite since he would soon be appearing in a photo shoot for the cover of his new album), “It appears that our Alberta-based Canadian vampire hunter friend approves of Ontario Premier Doug Ford’s decision to use the notwithstanding clause of the Canadian Constitution to overrule Ontario Superior Court Justice Edward Belobaba’s decision to disallow Ford’s new legislation The Better Local Government Act. Not because Dracul approves of Doug Ford (whom he calls the Ontario Donald Trump) but because by becoming the first Ontario Premier to use the Notwithstanding clause he might finally encourage politicians in Canada to grow pairs of balls and start using the Notwithstanding Clause to give unelected liberal social activist judges the raspberry they so richly deserve. For too long these unelected judicial jackasses have been reading their own personal views into things the constitution doesn’t even mention and using it to advance their own perverted and degenerate social agenda. Proof positive Dracul notes that Doug Ford is right this one time is that the 2 far left wing liberal rags in Toronto- The Globe and Mail as well as The Toronto Star- appear to have their panties in a knot and are in one Hell of an outburst of whining and snivelling over the fact Ford is using the Notwithstanding Clause.”

“So that’s the way things now stand in Canada, eh?” Amadeus ate a piece of Maple Leaf bacon 🥓 while Angelique watched disapprovingly.

“And then Dracul notes smoking recreational marijuana becomes officially legal next month which should should bring many unelected liberal social activist judges out of their smoke 💨 filled closets where they get many of their ideas from,” Renfield remarked.

. . .

Set Enterprises’ Dr. Cadbury Rocher was wondering why Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster had blown so many mathematical equations while typing with his lobster claws on his waterproof underwater iPad in his lobster tank.

Usually Michelangelo was so good at being able to crack difficult mathematical equations that even the world’s most advanced computers 🖥 were incapable of cracking.

It was then that Dr. Rocher noticed the remaining stub of reefer of Canadian recreational cannabis at the bottom of Michelangelo’s lobster tank.

. . .

Renfield went back to the Madame Tussaud’s Wax Museum dungeons where he was interrogating members of a rogue branch of Britain’s MI-6 who were plotting a chemical attack on civilians who were living in Idlib province in Syria to give NATO the excuse to take direct military action against Syrian President Bashar al-Assad’s Government in Damascus.

Renfield was getting the MI-6 operatives to talk by forcing them to watch (with very loud audio) home movie made videos of former Philippines 🇵🇭 First Lady Imelda Marcos singing songs to her husband former Philippines 🇵🇭 dictator Ferdinand Marcos as he lay comatose on his deathbed in a hospital in Honolulu, Hawaii on September 28th 1989 (doctors speculated that it was Imelda’s singing 🎤 that speeded up Ferdinand Marcos’ departure into the afterlife- no doubt figuring that Hell would be an improvement).

Every MI-6 operative that Renfield did this to immediately cracked and was soon singing like a canary.

Renfield brought in a wild nightingale from outside to join the MI-6 canaries in their singing.

. . .

Hurricane Florence now a category 4 hurricane was heading straight towards North and South Carolina.

Florence was a rare kind of hurricane in that, unbeknownst to NASA, the whirlwind in the hurricane was being directed by a vampiress.

The vampiress herself was named Florence.

Florence de Medici.

A vampiress who during her mortal life back in the Italian Renaissance had been an influential and powerful Florentine courtesan- Signora Florence de Medici.

A woman who had been turned into a vampiress by her unholy spiritual godmother- the ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith- the mother of all vampires.

And now Florence was directing Florence against the Carolinas.

. . .

Flashback 109 years ago.

November 1909- King Edward VII of Britain had gone to a forest in a public park to meet with a woman.

But this was no ordinary woman.

She was a vampiress.

She was meeting with King Edward VII because she had shocking information (so she said) on what the King’s nephew the Kaiser Wilhelm II of Germany was planning.

King Edward VII walked through the bleak November forest until he came upon her:

The Countess Draculina- daughter of Dracula

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday September 10th
2018.

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The Ariana Grande Concert Tickets: To Bill’s Or Not To Bill’s?

September 2, 2018 at 11:53 pm (Commentary, Culture, Fashion, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Music, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

The Ariana Grande Concert Tickets: To Bill’s Or Not To Bill’s?

Former U. S. President Bill Clinton saw the hostile look on Hillary’s face.

Oh God, what had he done now?

At that moment, Bill wished he had a wash cloth to wipe the stain off his blue trousers.

“I was going through the desk drawer when I noticed these tickets to an Ariana Grande concert,” Hillary seethed, “did you buy them?”.

“Oh, they may have been a gift from somebody,” Bill put his finger on his nose, “I didn’t know what they were.”

“Oh really?” Hillary smirked sarcastically, “I noticed you couldn’t keep your eyes off Ariana Grande’s short skirted ass when she sang (You Make Me Feel Like) A Natural Woman at Aretha Franklin’s funeral this past Friday.”

Bill was thinking to himself that Bishop Charles H. Ellis III was certainly feeling himself a natural woman that day and envied the pastor.

The former President’s thoughts returned to the screeching voice that seemed to be unnatural to this world.

He quickly put the Taco Bell burrito 🌯 he had been eating back in his pocket.

“Well, what about it?” Hillary’s voice sounded like fingernails scraping on a blackboard, “The whole world noticed how you were ogling Ariana Grande’s skirted ass at Aretha’s funeral.”

“I did not have my eyes ogling at that woman’s skirted ass,” Bill protested, “I was just enjoying her performance.”

“Oh, is that what you call it?” Hillary smirked again,” “I was watching you . I noticed you couldn’t keep your eyes off her ass the whole time.”

“You make me sound like that rising new British MP Renfield R. Renfield,” Bill protested, “Most unfair is that comparison.

Renfield would most undoubtedly agree.

“And what about the date on these Ariana Grande concert tickets?” Hillary asked, “I noticed they’re for the same night that you said you couldn’t accompany me to the Illuminati Deep State Conspirators’ Club dinner meeting. You told me something else had come up. Is this what came up?”.

Hillary waved the concert tickets at him.

“Of course not,” Bill felt his nose again.

“What was it you had to attend that night then?” Hillary asked.

“I can’t remember,” Bill answered.

“You can’t remember?” Hillary chortled like an owl in a hurricane, “and what about having your eyes on Ariana’s ass the whole time she was singing last Friday?”.

“That’s not true,” Bill protested, “at one point, I exchanged words with Rev. Jesse Jackson.”

“I imagine you two were probably exchanging lustful fantasies with one another,” Hillary seethed.

“That’s not true,” Bill felt his nose again.

Meanwhile at Rev. Jesse Jackson’s house, the good minister was trying to explain to his wife the tickets to the Ariana Grande concert she had just found in his coat pocket (coincidentally for the same night as the date on the concert tickets that Hillary had found).

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday September 2nd
2018.


What would probably have been Bill and Jesse’s favourite view if they had attended the Ariana Grande concert.
And if the night had turned out the way Jesse wanted, would Bill have spent the rest of the evening singing that old 1980s Rick Springfield song, “I wish that I had Jessie’s girl…”?

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