Renfield’s Karaoke Night Out

May 11, 2017 at 4:47 pm (Comedy, Entertainment, Humour, Music, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , )

Renfield R. Renfield decided to perform at a karaoke night at the Berkeley Arms Pub in Tewkesbury where he was running as a candidate for the British Transhumanist Techno-Progressive Anti Bio-Conservative Party in the constituency of Tewkesbury In The Cotswolds.

“They used to have great karaoke nights at the Duke of York Pub here in Tewkesbury but unfortunately that pub closed last year so this particular pub’s management has decided to revive the karaoke tradition on one night here,” Renfield explained to his friend Amadeus Emanon.

The first part of the karaoke night was devoted to people singing just straight karaoke songs.

One poor snook started the evening by misquoting the opening lyrics of an old Beatles song, “What would you do if I sang out of tune?… (while doing just that).

A group of MI-6 Special Branch agents sitting at the table just in front of the karaoke microphone pulled out their guns and shot him.

“Well, that answers the question he was singing,” Renfield remarked to Amadeus.

The second part of the evening was given to people listening to an old song and then on the spot making up their own versions of that old song.

It was this part of the evening in which Renfield decided to compete.

It was Renfield’s turn and he strolled up to the mike.

The MC/DJ then played a song.

It was an old Perry Como song that went:

The bluest skies you’ve ever seen are in Seattle, in Seattle
And the hills the greenest green in Seattle, in Seattle
like a beautiful child growing up free and wild in Seattle, in Seattle

Renfield was then called upon to make up and sing his own version.

Which of course he promptly did.

It went like this:

The gayest guys you’ve ever seen are in San Francisco, San Francisco
And the baths the steamiest scene in San Francisco, San Francisco
like a real fruity guy growing up bending over in San Francisco, San Francisco…

Renfield found himself being chased off the stage by leather jacket and tattoo wearing members of a visiting gay motorcycle club from Kansas City who took issue with Renfield’s sung statement that the gayest guys one would ever see are in San Francisco.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday May 11th
2017.

Permalink 2 Comments

Haiku About George Michael R.I.P. and The End of 2016

December 26, 2016 at 6:03 pm (Commentary, Music, News, Obituaries, Poetry) (, , , , )

Haiku About George Michael R.I.P. and The End of 2016

Another is gone
the music greats are passing
year the music died

Permalink Leave a Comment

Adolf Hitler: The Opera: Interlude Between Act I scene i and Act I scene ii

December 22, 2016 at 6:39 pm (History, Music, Musicals, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

Adolf Hitler: The Opera: Interlude Between Act I scene i and Act I scene ii

Renfield R. Renfield has decided to put in an interlude between Act I scene i and Act I scene ii for the opera on Adolf Hitler he was commissioned to write.

In this interlude, an actor who looks a lot like the late Ugandan dictator Idi Amin but who has a singing voice that sounds much like singer Harry Belafonte stands on stage between acts and sings the following song:

Hey, has anybody here seen my old friend Adolf?
Can you tell me where he’s gone?
He killed a lot of people but the evil they die middle aged
I just looked around and he’s gone.

Hey, has anybody here seen my old friend Josef?
Can you tell me where he’s gone?
He killed a lot of people but the evil they die somewhat old
I just looked around and he’s gone

Hey, has anybody here seen my old friend Mao?
Can you tell me where he’s gone?
He killed a lot of people but the evil they die elderly
(particularly if they’re Asian- must be that rice diet)
I just looked around and he’s gone

Hey, has anybody here seen my old friend Kim?
Can you tell me where he’s gone?
You’re probably asking me which one?
But to me, North Korean despots all look the same
I just look around and they all look the same

* * *

At this point, Amadeus Emanon stopped reading Renfield’s script.

Said Amadeus while munching on a chocolate eclair, “I’m amazed at the way you were able to work politically incorrect ethnic stereotypes into a song that was already politically incorrect in its praise of despotic dictators.”

“I know,” Renfield grinned, “I just can’t help being a genius.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday December 22nd
2016.

Permalink Leave a Comment

Adolf Hitler: The Opera Act I, scene i

December 13, 2016 at 5:32 pm (History, Music, Musicals, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

Adolf Hitler: The Opera Act I, Scene i

Renfield R. Renfield had been commissioned by an individual known only as Robur The Conquerer to write an opera about the life of Adolf Hitler.

Most artists would have been reluctant to write an opera about a figure of such infamy.

Renfield was the type of artist who would not succumb to such reluctance.

He’d do anything for money- or a great tasting tuna fish sandwich- or a steamy blow job from a sexy and voluptuous porn star in a hot tub.

Robur The Conquerer arranged for Renfield to get all three.

As a result, Renfield was now working on an opera about Adolf Hitler.

Act I, scene i, Adolf Hitler: The Opera

(The young Hitler stands on the set of a Wagnerian opera that was staged in Linz, Austria and imagines himself to be the knight Parsifal)

Hitler (singing) : To be a Fuhrer King,
to be a Fuhrer King
it is, it is, a glorious thing to be a Fuhrer King.

(He pauses)

Hitler (breaks into song again):
How much is that Swastika in the window?
The only with the squiggly tail.
I do hope that Swastika is for sale.

(He pauses again)

Hitler: I could have Crystal Night
I could have Crystal Night
I could send my troopers
in German beer stein stupors
And smash a thousand windows…

(He pauses again)

Hitler: Oh why can’t the Germans teach their children how to hate
Oh why can’t the Germans teach their children how to hate
For being the Aryan Master Race is assuredly our fate…

(He pauses again)

Hitler: The camps are alive with the sound of screaming
with screams they have screamed
for a thousand years
Our Reich will be blessed with the sound of screaming…

Hitler: Stormtroopers with pistols
marching to Aryan whistles
these are a few of my favourite things…

(He pauses again)

Hitler: Old Jews charge exorbitant rent
Kaisers and Czars are duly spent
I’m a man of means by no means
King of the world

I know all of the nations and all of their names
They will drown in Nordic god rains
old legends I have found
will make our Aryan future sound
I’m a man of means by no means
King of the World

(He pauses again)

Hitler: To be a Fuhrer King,
to be a Fuhrer King
it is, it is a glorious thing
to be a Fuhrer King

Deep Booming Sinister Voice (from back of the theatre) : And what would you give, young Adolf, in return for being a Fuhrer King?

-A Renfieldian opera
written by Christopher
Thursday December 8th
2016.

Permalink Leave a Comment

Ode To Classical Music: A Poem

July 11, 2016 at 4:23 pm (Commentary, Culture, Music, Poetry) (, , , , , , )

Ode To Classical Music: A Poem

With my cable TV subscription cancelled
and listening to the Baroque Music Channel now gone
I’ve been forced to turn to the radio
and more specifically CBC Radio 2
and the French language Radio-Canada to listen to music that relaxes and calms my soul
CBC Radio 2 and Radio-Canada play a great deal of Classical music and Jazz- the only 2 styles of music that seem to do that these days
relax and calm my soul
Some pieces of contemporary pop music do do that but most don’t

Listening to CBC Radio 2 Commentary on the background and inspiration of the great Classical composers I now realize how much the influence of nature played a part in composing their music
The sound of waterfalls, the babblings of brooks, the meanderings of quiet streams, the flight of the bumblebee, the chirping of birds and the wings of the lark as it ascends
how these sounds they tried to recapture in their melodies

That explains why classical music is so beautiful
I never knew that about the classics until I heard this commentary
This also probably explains why I don’t listen to so much contemporary music these days
So much contemporary music expresses the anguish and torment of the human soul
That is I suppose why we listen
So many of us in anguish and torment ourselves
we can relate to the anguish and torment of the singer and the song
but while this listening gives us a sense of kinship and the feeling we’re not alone
Ultimately such listening does not bring healing
Only more anguish and torment
What we need is healing

And so that is why ultimately I find healing in most Classical music
The sound of waterfalls, the flowers opening their petals and saying hello to the sun, the reflections of moonlight doing their silent dances on the tranquil waters of a lake, the song of the nightingale
all transcribed into musical melody
by the great classical composers
Nature’s healing powers transferred to musical instruments and then on wings of notes and melody transfused into the human soul

-A poem written by Christopher
Monday July 11th 2016

Permalink 26 Comments

Haiku About Prince The Singer R.I.P.

April 21, 2016 at 7:48 pm (Arts, Culture, Entertainment, Music, Poetry) (, , , , , )

Haiku About Prince The Singer R.I.P.

Sky- Purple rain falls
Heavens weep tears over death
of a great artist

Permalink 8 Comments

Haiku About Using Mozart’s Music As A Weapon Against Vampires

January 29, 2016 at 8:26 pm (Arts, Music, Poetry, The Supernatural) (, , , , , , , )

Haiku About Using Mozart’s Music As A Weapon Against Vampires

Eine kleine nachtmusik
puts to sleep die Fledermaus
in Transyvlania

Permalink 18 Comments

The Universe Is Unfolding (Possibly Not As It Should)

January 20, 2016 at 7:49 pm (Arts, Culture, Entertainment, Music, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

The Universe Is Unfolding (Possibly Not As It Should)

Dr. Cadbury Rocher was in the Set Enterprises lab doing some Prognostication experiments with Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster.

He was seeing what results would come out of this year’s Oscars.

On the computer screen, Dr. Rocher was viewing what Michelangelo was viewing through his prophetic lobster antennae which were hooked up to the computer.

Host of this Year’s Oscars (on stage) : Well I see by the number of people wearing white hoods and white robes and by the number of flaming burning crosses outside the auditorium, we’ve got a different sort of crowd at this year’s Oscars…

. . .

Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell the Executive Vice-President of Aulos Music and Recording Ltd. in London was petting his Siamese cat Oysterella and wondering what he should do now after receiving the latest memo from his higher-ups the Board of Directors of the Company.

The Board of Directors of his Company were demanding that he find the next big music superstar pronto or he’d be finding himself in line at the Unemployment office.

“Oh dear Oysterella,” the Music Exec sighed, “where am I going to find the next big music superstar?”.

. . .

Although Amadeus Emanon was quite fond of most varieties of food, he had been a teetotaler in his drinking habits for most of his life.

But after a recent conversation with his good friend the New Orleans vampiress and songstress Angelique Dumont, he had decided to become the next big thing to hit the arts.

As such he had purchased a dozen bottles of absinthe since he had heard that absinthe had served as an inspirational muse for great writers such as Ernest Hemingway, Charles Baudelaire and Oscar Wilde and great artists such as Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec and Amedeo Modigliani.

As Michelangelo sputtered and asked for Viagra in lobstertalk in his lobster tank as he psychically picked up the name Modigliani from Amadeus’ thoughts and immediately thought of Sherrielock Holmes, Amadeus meanwhile lay at the bottom of the stairs after finishing off his dozenth bottle of absinthe.

“The follies of drunkenness,” Renfield remarked as he stepped over the dozing Amadeus at the bottom of the stairs.

When he reached the top of the stairs, he looked down at the sleeping Amadeus.

“I wonder what evil influences Amadeus has fallen under,” Renfield asked himself as he sipped from his 24th bottle of bourbon this night.

He went into his bedroom and used his Find-Yourself-A-Hooker app on his smart phone to do just that.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday January 20th
2016.

Permalink 32 Comments

Haiku About Glenn Frey

January 18, 2016 at 7:29 pm (Music, News, Obituaries, Poetry) (, , , , )

Haiku About Glenn Frey

To soar as eagle
Glenn Frey checks out of Hotel
Planet Gaia now

Permalink 20 Comments

Haiku About David Bowie

January 11, 2016 at 8:07 pm (Arts, Culture, Entertainment, Music, News, Obituaries, Poetry) (, , , , )

Haiku About David Bowie

Put on your red shoes
and dance the blues… in honour
of fallen Stardust

Permalink 12 Comments

Next page »