Pan Goatee Aesthetically Cleanses A Shopping Mall Parking Lot

May 17, 2018 at 9:53 pm (Aesthetics, Horror, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, Mythology, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) ()

Pan Goatee Aesthetically Cleanses A Shopping Mall Parking Lot

Satyr serial killer Pan Goatee left the department store where he had gone to take a piss (or “rather to leave one” as he often told people).

He was headed for the Public Transit train 🚊 station platform next to the shopping mall.

He had his astral machete at the ready in case there was a vast array of fat ugly blimps on the platform like there was a couple of days ago.

The spectacle of landscape blemishing blimps had caused havoc for several deities who had made the mistake of visiting this city in the spring when the human cows come out of hibernation.

Both Zeus and Shiva had gone blind and were now awaiting divine laser eyesight restoration treatment at Dr. Cadbury Rocher’s optometry laboratory at Set Enterprises in London.

The Norse god Odin had wisely put a patch over his good eye on the platform but this caused him to stumble and he fell and hit his head.

The blow on the head had caused him to have a momentary drop in IQ.

On the other hand if the drop in IQ turned out to be permanent, he was rumoured to be named to a cabinet position in Donald Trump’s cabinet (which given the length of longevity in serving in the Trump White House in any position, that could be any one trillionth of a nanosecond now).

As Pan Goatee walked across the parking lot, he saw a beautiful Indian woman just ahead of him.

The serial killing former musician for the classical baroque and heavy metal playing rock band Nero Wilson and The Cleveland Cleavers happily started singing and composing a song on the spot, “Won’t you please play Bolly on my wood?”.

She sadly got into a car and before you know it poor Pan Goatee was confronted by the sight of a white fat ugly blimp approaching him.

“What an abomination of desolation,” Pan Goatee expressed himself in Biblical terms, “and to think there are some sports and reality TV watching bozos in this city who think that whites are the master race.”

Pan Goatee promptly cut off the fat ugly blimp’s head.

He was so angry by the sudden advent of sheer unblessed ugliness to his sight, he used his astral machete to laserly dissect and cut up the blimp of a woman into a trillion x a trillion tiny pieces making any form of identification impossible and forever rendering impossible the breaking of the infinitely happy news to next of kin.

Meanwhile in Oslo Norway 🇳🇴, a new Nobel committee had been formed.

The committee was meeting to award the 1st ever Nobel Prize in Aesthetics.

The Swedish member of the Committee was speaking.

He had recently returned to Scandinavia totally shell shocked after having made the mistake of visiting a certain city in Western Canada in the springtime.

He had stopped over in London prior to his return to Oslo to receive emergency treatment at Dr. Cadbury Rocher’s laser optometry lab.

The Swedish member suggested that satyr serial killer Pan Goatee receive the 1st ever Nobel Prize in Aesthetics.

The remark did not go over so well with the sole non-Scandinavian female fat ugly blimp member of the committee (who wore a gigantic paper bag over her head on the Committee Chairman’s orders).

Which reminds one of that old joke:

Question: Why are Scandinavian women all so beautiful 😍?

Answer: Because the Vikings never brought back any ugly women on their raids.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday May 17th
2018.

Advertisements

Permalink 25 Comments

Pan Goatee At The Public Transit Train Station

May 15, 2018 at 10:59 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, Horror, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, Mythology, News, Vampire novel) ()

Pan Goatee At The Public Transit Train Station

Even Pan Goatee was surprised by the number of fat ugly blimps that stood on the public transit train 🚊 platform today.

How the transit platform stopped from collapsing under all that enormous weight really amazed Pan Goatee.

Whoever designed it certainly deserved to be awarded the Nobel Prize in Physics.

Talk about squaring the circle and then some.

Already numerous heterosexual males with good taste on the platform were keeling over from severe cardiac arrest.

I’m sure if they had their choice, they’d much prefer to leave this world like some elderly rabbis and elderly American Baptist ministers did at the opening of the U.S. Embassy in Jerusalem yesterday when the Egyptian vampiress Isis arrived at the ceremony in a see-through dress, Pan Goatee thought to himself.

They died from cardiac arrest certainly but at least they died happy.

Unlike these poor snooks who left this world with severe expressions of sheer terror on their face.

The Greek god Zeus cried, “I’m blind, I’m blind.”

The Norse god Odin put his eye patch over his good eye and stumbled around on the platform.

The Hindu god Shiva likewise talked about blindness (in the same hysterical manner that a schoolboy’s mother does when she catches her son doing something in the bathroom).

Poor Shiva likewise went blind from the grievous sight.

Pan Goatee pulled out his astral machete and began beheading the fat ugly blimps with great and sudden fury (like Donald Trump did when told that North Korea 🇰🇵 might cancel the peace summit because of John Bolton’s stupidity).

Pan Goatee was soon joined by the Hindu goddess Kali who used her 4 arms and hands and her sharp swords ⚔️ to likewise behead the heads of the vastly overweight landlocked leviathans.

Within minutes the platform was cleared.

Dumbledore’s ghost told Professor McGonagall, “To prevent recurring nightmares in our students, we better not put a Platform 9 3/4 at this station.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday May 15th
2018.

Permalink 9 Comments

Lilith, The Raven and The Keys of Peter

May 13, 2018 at 9:03 pm (Avatar Speaks, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, News, Religion, The Supernatural) (, , , , , , , , )

Lilith, The Raven and The Keys of Peter

The ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith was in a chapel in a Cardinal’s quarters in the Vatican.

One of the Cardinals who was secretly a pagan.

So there were no Crosses or Crucifixes present in the chapel.

The sole faces on the altar looked like the faces of screaming deities undergoing the most horrendous forms of torture.

Blood red roses 🌹 and greenish vines curling like slithering snakes 🐍 crawled up the altar pillars leading to the ceiling.

The painting above the altar was a picture of a medieval castle that looked like it had once belonged to Count Dracula.

The candles and dark looking candle holders looked like they may have once graced the set of a 1930s Bela Lugosi horror film.

In Lilith’s sensuously exquisite gloved right hand she held a raven that held in its beak a chain with a golden key while her sensuously exquisite gloved left hand pressed against her breasts a pearl necklace to which was attached the Renaissance era Cross that belonged to the Borgia pope Alexander VI.

She addressed an entity who had stuck its head out of a hole in the floor of the chapel.

“Mercutio,” she said referring to the raven she held on her right hand, “has in his mouth the central key belonging to Peter and his successors. Lucifer willing, Mercutio will soon get ahold of the other keys of Peter and the Vatican will be totally ours.”

The entity nodded approvingly before disappearing below the chapel floor.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday May 13th
2018.

Permalink 21 Comments

Pope Rihanna and Diablos Nocturna At The 2018 Met Gala

May 12, 2018 at 11:59 pm (Avatar Speaks, Celebrities, Commentary, Culture, Fashion, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, News, Religion, Romance, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , )

Pope Rihanna and Diablos Nocturna At The 2018 Met Gala

Diablos Nocturna stood in the secret Time Tunnel at the CERN Large Hadron Collider in Geneva, Switzerland.

The date was Saturday May 12th 2018.

Standing alongside him in the tunnel was the powerful French witch Sabrine Davignon.

https://pin.it/66zjfkycjmk57p

The CERN scientist Dr. Hades Spawnus threw the switch.

Both Diablos Nocturna and the French witch Sabrine Davignon went back in time to the Met Gala 2018 in New York City held on Monday May 7th 2018.

And standing there was Pope Rihanna on the steps of the Metropolitan Museum of Art:

https://pin.it/oluijvyvk2jt63

Sabrine Davignon commanded the elements, “Freeze time except for…” and then she spoke names in Latin which confused the post Vatican II Jesuit priest Father James Martin.

All people at the gala were frozen in time and place except for Pope Rihanna, Diablos Nocturna and Sabrine Davignon herself.

Diablos Nocturna went and knelt in front of Pope Rihanna.

He kissed her papal ring.

She then turned around and bent over and lifted her glittering sparkling papal robe and short tight skirted mini dress and he kissed her ass.

Sabrine Davignon thought to herself, “How like new members of the White House staff and the Trump Administration when they go in to meet the Donald in the Oval Office for the first time.”

Pope Rihanna kissed Diablos Nocturna on the forehead and both cheeks (facial cheeks for clarification).

She then ran her fingers through his hair and asked, “Have you been a good boy, Diablos Nocturna?”.

“No, I’ve been a very bad boy, your Holiness,” Diablos Nocturna confessed.

“Then I must punish you,” Pope Rihanna removed from underneath her robe a large wooden paddle that had written on it in large print MY PAPAL BLESSINGS AND INDULGENCES (written in Latin of course which would have further confused Father James Martin had he not been frozen in time and place).

She then sat on the steps, commanded Diablos Nocturna to take off all his clothes and lie across her skirted lap.

When Diablos Nocturna had done so, Pope Rihanna then administered 666 very strong and powerful whacks on his bare buttocks with her Papal Blessings and Indulgences (in Latin) paddle.

When she had finished, Diablos Nocturna then arose off her lap bearing a huge erection.

“Now perform the act of ritual tantric sex,” Sabrine Davignon said.

As Diablos Nocturna and Pope Rihanna performed the act of ritual tantric sex on the steps of The Metropolitan, the vampiress Golgotha (the daughter of Lilith) flew on top of a Cross in the Heavenly Bodies: Fashion and The Catholic Imagination Exhibit at the Met and hung there with her arms outstretched.

Meanwhile in Rome Italy, the ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith was dancing around the Vatican wearing a blood red evening dress and creating a huge whirlwind as she did so.

Sabrine Davignon (the immortal daughter of Hecate the Greek goddess of witchcraft in her beautiful young maiden form and King Saint Louis IX of France from a night in which the blessed saint fell into temptation) smiled as she watched the Lady of the Dance on her smart phone (the image was being recorded by the cigarette smoking demon Asmodeus on his smart phone in Rome).

Meanwhile at the Vatican itself, Pope Francis awakened in his bedroom confronted by the sight of Beelzebub the Lord of the Flies doing up his fly on his Prada men’s suit after emerging from the papal bathroom 🚽.

And finally Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster awoke in a sweat in his lobster tank at the Set Enterprises laboratory in London.

He quickly wiped the sweat off his lobster brow with one of his claws.

He wondered, had what he saw all been a dream or was it real?

It would be some time before Michelangelo pronounced his final judgement on the matter.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday May 12th
2018.

Permalink 17 Comments

The Vampiress Priestess of Baal and Pope Francis On Karl Marx’s 200th Birthday

May 5, 2018 at 11:39 pm (Avatar Speaks, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mystery, Mystery/horror, Mythology, News, Religion, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , )

The Vampiress Priestess of Baal and Pope Francis On Karl Marx’s 200th Birthday

Pope Francis felt very regretful over the fact that he hadn’t been allowed to canonize Karl Marx today May 5th 2018 (Marx’s 200th birthday) as a birthday present to the philosopher who gave birth to atheistic Marxism.

He had felt so badly about it that he had wired some money to London gypsy fortune 🔮 teller and psychic Dulcinea Lucia asking her to place some flowers 💐 on Marx’s grave accompanied by a written note of papal apology for not being able to canonize him and admit him to the Catholic Communion of Saints.

The Modernist Jesuit Father Jorge Mario Bergoglio (stage name: Pope Francis) then thought about a statement he had made yesterday (Friday May 4th 2018) to a papal audience at which nuns, monks and priests were present.

The pontiff had told those who were consecrated to the religious life that “The Holy Spirit is a disaster because He never tires of being creative.”

Reflecting on this remark, the heretically inclined pontiff then hopped and skipped through the halls of the Vatican totally oblivious to a statement Christ had made 2000 years ago on this subject.

Christ had said that anyone who blasphemes the Son of Man, it could be forgiven him.

However he who commits blasphemy against the Holy Spirit, it would not be forgiven him.

This would no doubt just be the latest in an ongoing series of statements that Francis has been making since he was elected Pope in 2013.

Statements that had caused many Protestants and even many Catholics to seriously wonder if Pope Francis wasn’t the False Prophet prophesied in the Book of Revelation (called The Apocalypse in Catholic Bibles) Chapter 13 verse 11.

Of course both the world and the media loved Pope Francis (but hadn’t Christ warned, “Woe unto you, when all men speak well of you! for so did their fathers to the false prophets.” – Luke 6:26 KJV).

Then Francis remembered the phone conversation he had last night with the Egyptian Vampiress Isis and French President Emmanuel Macron.

The pair had called from Paris although the Macron who was present with Isis was in fact a holographic image (created by France’s top scientists) as the real President Macron was busy visiting the South Pacific French island of New Caledonia after a trip to Australia 🇦🇺 in which he had called the Australian Prime Minister’s wife Lucinda Turnbull delicious (causing British MP Renfield R. Renfield to quip that Macron was probably tired of eating the same old cougar pussy night after night and wanted to vary it up a little).

And speaking of Renfield R. Renfield, he was currently trying to breach the wall of the Vatican gardens on a mission for his former boss the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set.

Set had heard that the head of Hecate (the Greek goddess of witchcraft) was currently located somewhere in the Vatican and he thought it might be advantageous to have his chief scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher clone Hecate.

A genetic clone of Hecate might serve as a powerful ally for Set in his ongoing millennia long war against his brother and brother-in-law Osiris.

Renfield found himself down off the Vatican wall and on to the ground a little quicker than he would have liked.

“That’s gotta hurt as George Costanza from Seinfeld would say,” Renfield quipped as his testicles took a licking and kept on ticking.

Renfield looked around and was surprised to see that the Vatican gardens still looked like autumn rather than spring whose season it now was.

He was even more surprised by the vision of the beautiful woman who now approached him:

https://pin.it/ke2lygz63h7u24

“Who are you?” Renfield asked somewhat taken aback by the heavenly apparition.

“I am Allatallahbel,” she gave him a warm enticing smile, “the Vampiress Priestess of Baal.”

“You’re one vampiress I’ve never heard of,” Renfield had to admit as his phallus came to life despite the soreness of his testicles.

“I’m not surprised,” she smiled seductively.

“So,” Renfield looked around, “do you know why the Vatican gardens still look like autumn when spring is in the air elsewhere in Rome?”.

“The Vatican gardens will soon be subject to the coming of an eternal winter,” the sensual Vampiress Priestess of Baal laughed a sinister film noir femme fatale laugh.

Renfield despite the passion and heat he was feeling at the moment was simultaneously starting to feel cold chills.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday May 5th
2018.

Permalink 23 Comments

A Stag Party Like No Other

April 17, 2018 at 10:42 pm (Avatar Speaks, Geopolitics and International Relations, Horror, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, Mythology, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

A Stag Party Like No Other

Russian soldiers at a base in Syria were nervous.

They had heard reports that a deer 🦌 stag of all things was massacring Turkish soldiers in the Afrin region of northwestern Syria by standing up on its hind legs and firing a rapidly moving crossbow with poisonous arrows at them.

The arrows would paralyze the soldiers and then take 24 hours for the poison to work to eventually kill them.

In the meantime, the soldiers would die a painfully agonizing death as the organs in their bodies gradually shut down.

The government of Recep Tayyip Erdogan in Ankara tried to keep the deaths secret from the Turkish public.

But someone had hacked into the Turkish television newsfeed and was reporting the deaths live to the Turkish people.

The news reports were read aloud by a talking robot 🤖 who called himself Hans.

The reports would begin with the robot singing (to the tune of an old 1950s Danny Kaye song), “I’m Hans Pagan Henderson… that’s me.”

After showing some speeded up video of Turkish soldiers dying a long lasting slow horrible agonizing death, film footage was then shown of the deer stag standing on its hind legs and shooting the soldiers with its rapidly firing cross bow.

As the footage of the stag and its cross bow was being shown, Hans the robot 🤖 sang (also to the tune of an old 1950s Danny Kaye song):

Wonderful, wonderful poisoned 🤢 arrow
fired by a beautiful stag
you hit your mark
sends a fiery spark ⚡️
through the body part
a fatal stinging dart 🎯
that sends one screaming “No more”
yet hours ‘til you reach death’s door.

No one was sure who it was that was hacking into the Turkish television feed.

Although there were suspicions.

After Hans’ news broadcasts, British MP Renfield R. Renfield was seen in an elegant armchair by a fireplace holding a glass of cognac and doing an introduction to a TV series he called Forgotten Disney Animated Cartoons.

“On tonight’s episode,” Renfield smiled, “Bambi’s father (killed in an automobile accident) comes back from the dead. The name of the cartoon: Bambi II- Thumper Recites The Necronomicon Resurrection Invocation.”

The Russian base was on edge when a soldier turned on the TV and Thumper was seen reciting a weird invocation in a strange and sinister sounding language.

And then suddenly what sounded like an arrow hit the door of the barracks.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday April 17th
2018.

Permalink 23 Comments

Reblog- Lizards and Wizards: A Poem

April 15, 2018 at 10:01 pm (Avatar Speaks, Geopolitics and International Relations, Horror, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, News, Poetry, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , )

A poem I wrote 2 years ago.

Dracul Van Helsing

Lizards and Wizards: A Poem

It was a land where giant tulip bulbs grew
that grew in soil blood drenched through and through
The bulbs blood red in colour
like the soil that bled the Earth-Mother
And eating the bulbs were huge flamingoes
not pink like on your lawn goes
but blood red like the seed of human sacrifice
when all other oblations no longer suffice

And rising rising from the blood soaked ground
in a huge puff of red tinged smoke that twirled round and round
arose a wild-haired wild eyed looking wizard
who in a test tube carried a small red lizard
He lifted up high his feathered wand
in the clouds emerged a land beyond
With his left hand he lifted high his trusted wand
and with his right, emptied the test tube like a martini shaker for Bond
The lizard then fell to the earth beneath

View original post 62 more words

Permalink 19 Comments

Pan Goatee and Pope Francis’ Nocturnal Dream of Hell

April 11, 2018 at 10:26 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, Horror, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, Mythology, News, Religion, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , )

Pan Goatee and Pope Francis’ Nocturnal Dream of Hell

Satyr serial killer Pan Goatee was riding the bus when suddenly an extremely ugly looking woman boarded the bus holding hands with a 3-year-old girl.

Exclaimed Pan Goatee, “That ugly looking woman is the one who’s kidnapped the Lindbergh baby 🍼.”

Pan Goatee grabbed his astral laser machete and cut the ugly woman’s head off.

“You’re mistaken,” said a retired college professor of American history who was riding the bus but was grateful that the satyr had decapitated the ugly looking female, “the Lindbergh baby was a boy and if he were still alive today, he’d be 87 years old not 3.”

“Wow, I guess you can’t believe everything you read on Wikipedia,” Pan Goatee remarked as he booted the ugly looking head out the door and down the street.

. . .

Pope Francis was having a dream.

He was dreaming that he was in Hell.

“How can this be?” The pontiff shouted, “I said Hell doesn’t exist in a newspaper interview I gave recently.”

The fallen angel Mephistopheles walked by reading a book called Fake Papal Pronouncements With Foreword by Donald Trump.

Pope Francis suddenly saw a scene from Alice In Wonderland.

A Hellish looking Alice In Wonderland tea party modelled on Leonardo Da Vinci’s painting of The Last Supper.

This was what Francis saw:

https://pin.it/qhirdsp2qz2wdl

“We may have to change our format for the Eucharistic Communion Service,” Francis thought aloud in his dream, “although I’ve long been of the opinion that the Liturgy of the Mass needed revolutionary change and a massive paradigm shift.”

The Mad Hatter who had the face of Walter Cardinal Kasper applauded vigorously.

The Queen of Hearts who had the face of Raymond Cardinal Burke pointed at Francis and said “Off with his head.”

. . .

Donald Trump looked out the Oval Office of the White House and asked the question, “What’s the best way to punish Bashar al-Assad for using chemical weapons against his own people?”.

A vision of Zeus holding a thunderbolt appeared in the clouds above the White House saying, “Release the Kraken.”

Trump was immediately on the phone to U.S. Secretary of Defence Jim Mattis, “Jim, do you know where I can get a Kraken?”.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday April 11th
2018.

Permalink 32 Comments

Pope Francis and The Mysterious Stranger

April 7, 2018 at 11:56 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, Horror, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, News, Religion, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

Pope Francis and The Mysterious Stranger

Renfield R. Renfield MP was giving a speech on the Best of British Culture to the Society of Friends and Supporters of the Royal Opera.

He was finishing singing the Lumberjack Song from Monty Python’s Flying Circus.

Lord Geese-Hogg who was sitting at a table with his wife Lady Geese-Hogg motioned for one of the banquet waiters to bring him another drink.

“Genghis,” Lady Glenda Geese-Hogg called her husband by his first name, “I think you’ve had enough to drink tonight.”

“Oh, all right,” Lord Genghis Geese-Hogg sighed.

Renfield, as he was getting out of his woman’s bra and dress and taking off his lumberjack jacket, was suddenly handed a note.

“Ladies and gentlemen,” Renfield went up to the microphone 🎤 to make an announcement, “I’ve just been informed that the Syrian government has used chemical weapons in a toxic gas attack on Douma the last rebel held town in Eastern Ghouta. So far 70 civilians have died including numerous children.”

Renfield immediately changed into his William Wallace Scottish warrior kilt accompanied with his Highlander broad sword 🗡.

“On a personal observatory note,” Renfield added, “Both French President Emmanuel Macron and America’s Donald Trump have warned the Syrian government in the past that a chemical weapons attack is a red line that mustn’t be crossed. We all know that Trump isn’t the limp wristed pansy that Barack Obama was as a military leader.
Now a chemical weapons attack by the Syrian government has been done in the open.
That red line has been crossed.
How will Trump and Macron respond?
If they let it pass, they’ll lose face.
We all know that the one thing Donald Trump will never do is lose face.
And the homicidal regime of Vladimir Putin have said they will support the homicidal regime of Bashar al-Assad at all costs. Therefore, ladies and gentlemen, the world may now be on the brink of World War III.”

Lord Genghis Geese-Hogg called back the waiter, “I’ll have a hundred more drinks 🍹 🍸 🍷 please.”

“Make that double for me,” Lady Glenda Geese-Hogg added.

. . .

Pope Francis was in his bedroom when suddenly the door opened and in walked a mysterious stranger with jet black hair, jet black eyebrows, a jet black moustache and a jet black goatee beard.

Two locks of hair stuck up on top of his head that almost looked like horns.

The man was wearing a red velvet jacket, suit and pants.

“Who are you?” Francis asked.

“Mephistopheles,” the man laughed.

“Mephistopheles?” Francis looked horrified, “What do you want?”.

Mephistopheles laughed again.

He then turned and opened the door to exit.

“I hope I never see you again,” Francis, who was feeling around for his Cross but couldn’t find it, said in a horrified gasp.

Mephistopheles turned around and laughed the most sinister laugh that Francis had ever heard in his life, “I don’t think we shall ever meet again, Father Bergoglio,” the fallen angel paused and then smiled a most malevolent smile, “after all as you yourself have most recently said, there’s no such place as Hell.”

The entity then left the door open and walked out of the papal bedroom.

Intensely sinister laughter echoed down the halls and corridors.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday April 7th
2018.

Permalink 18 Comments

The Feast of The Beast 2018

March 23, 2018 at 10:23 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, Horror, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, Mythology, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

The Feast of The Beast 2018

Desiree was 16 years old.

She obviously did not pay much attention to current Hollywood news.

Because while walking the Hollywood Walk of Fame, a limousine pulled up.

The limousine’s back window rolled down and an older man- a well known Hollywood actor- invited her into the limo for a ride.

If she knew her Hollywood news, she’d have realized that Hollywood was crawling with a lot of perverts.

Later Desiree in her blue mini dress found herself tied to a sacrificial altar beneath a statue of the Baphomet inside the Hollywood actor’s mansion.

“What are you doing?” Desiree shouted.

“I’m sacrificing you to Baphomet,” the actor replied and lowered his knife and slit her throat and did just that.

. . .

“Lexington,” Donald Trump called for his English butler and valet.

“What is it, sir?” Lexington asked.

“A charcoal burnt human hand just crawled across the floor by itself,” Trump said.

“No need to worry, sir,” Lexington went to the closet, “I’ll use a Swiffer Wet Jet to wash the floor.”

“That’s probably a good idea,” Trump reflected, “and find out whose hand it is. I’m going to fire that person in a tweet.”

. . .

Two scientists were conducting an evening test at the CERN Large Hadron Collider in Geneva, Switzerland.

One scientist remarked to the other, “That seems to be a very realistic looking statue of Shiva the Transformer by the door.”

“Yes, it is,” the other scientist agreed.

Suddenly there was an explosion 💥 from the tunnel tube.

A huge hole opened up and out walked the multi armed goddess Kali.

She went up and kissed the statue of Shiva.

“I think,” said the scientist to his fellow researcher, “the next time they decide to erect the statue of a god on Collider grounds, they better hire a sculptor who specializes in a more abstract form of sculpture.”

. . .

Prince Vlad Dracula, the Byzantine Vampiress Theodora (who was the Byzantine Empress Theodora the wife of the Emperor Justinian in her mortal life) and the Israeli Mossad agent the Controller of The Golem had just captured a group of Turkish officers who were leading Turkish troops against their allies the Kurds.

“I think we should hand these Turkish officers over to British MP Renfield R. Renfield for interrogation,” said Dracula.

“I agree,” Theodora started wiping the blood off her gown with a towel soaked in Tide laundry detergent.

“Renfield can be quite ruthless in his interrogations,” noted the Controller of The Golem.

Theodora played on her iPhone a recent speech given by Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan in which he called on the 57 member state Organization of The Islamic Conference to unite as one army and destroy the State of Israel 🇮🇱.

“Hand them over to Renfield,” the Controller agreed.

. . .

Russian President Vladimir Putin was out deer 🦌 hunting on a country estate just north of Moscow.

Putin stumbled across what he thought was a stag with a very impressive set of antlers.

And in one way it was.

For the stag was actually Cernunnos the horned Celtic god of animals and the underworld.

Cernunnos stood up on its hind legs and with a crossbow it carried in its forearms it fired an arrow which moved with rapid lightning speed.

The arrow struck Putin in the forehead and the Russian leader fell to the ground.

Later at the nearby dacha where Putin was taken, the ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith was awakened and informed what happened.

“A stag with a rapid firing crossbow did this, you say?” She asked one of Putin’s fellow hunters who nodded, “That was no ordinary stag. That was Cernunnos the horned god of the Celtic pantheon. The arrow was poison tipped and the poison is now in Putin’s bloodstream. I must suck all the blood out and replace it with my own in order for him to live.”

“But how will you live then?” Asked the bodyguard.

“Thank you for your sacrifice for your Motherland and your leader,” Lilith bit him on the neck and drained all his blood which she then spit out and put in a large glass container and put in the freezer for safekeeping.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday March 23rd
2018.

Permalink 26 Comments

Next page »