Reblog of The Death of The March Hare: A Poem

March 31, 2020 at 10:00 pm (Fantasy, Literature, Mystery/horror, Mythology, Poetry) (, , , , , )

A narrative poem I wrote 3 years ago today:

Dracul Van Helsing

Persephone

On her throne, Persephone the Queen of the Underworld did decree
that the March Hare had brought joy to far too many
and it was time that this valiant hare should die
and should be now before March time did fly

So on this last day of March 2017
as the Hare drank tea with a Heartly Queen
the Messenger of Death did drop Polonium-210
into the hare’s teacup at the stroke of Big Ben

The hare raised the tea to his lips
as Mad Hatter recalled his latest trips
up through and outside the Rabbit hole
when the poor hare turned as black as coal

“Remember to pay the phone bill” were the Hare’s last words before he died
as into the frying pan went the Heartly queen’s kipper being fried
The March Hare fell over quite dead
and the Heartly queen turned bright red
“I did not say…

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Miranda Singh and The Wonderous Pair of Goldfish

March 30, 2020 at 10:59 pm (Fantasy, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, love, Mythology, News, Romance, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Miranda Singh and The Wonderous Pair of Goldfish

“And in other news, Pope Francis has tested negative for the Coronavirus but remains positive for Communism… ” 

Renfield switched over from Britain’s Sky News to BBC News where a friend of his was delivering the news:

“And the 600 year old Miraculous Crucifix of Christ that Pope Francis brought out to deliver his Urbi et Orbi message last Friday has suffered intense water damage as a result of the rainfall that occurred while the Pope gave his speech castigating the world for not following his globalist Neo-Marxist Neo-Bolshevik agenda and as a result the God of Surprises (the god worshipped by Francis) had sent this pandemic upon the world. Pope Francis gave this speech to the empty Saint Peter’s Square while standing comfortably under a large canopy in the pouring rain with his back turned against the Miraculous Crucifix of Christ that became drenched in the pouring rain being a great distance behind the canopy and the ancient unique statue has suffered intense water damage as a result…”

Renfield switched over to ITV News:

“Former British Prime Minister Gordon Brown has called for a One World Government in the wake of the Coronavirus crisis.
Minutes after he made the statement, a cream pie was thrown in his face by an invisible force.
Although a London bobby who had been drinking Harvey Wallbangers on the job says he saw a 6 foot 8 tall bunny rabbit with big pink floppety ears do it.”

. . .

The storm clouds descend
A beast has crawled from Egypt’s sphinx 
towards Bethlehem to be born
A virus fancying itself as wise
has arisen from the East 
and spread its tentacles all over the world 
Offering gifts of pain, suffering and death
Instead of gold, frankincense and myrrh 
in adoration of the new Messiah.

. . .

In the streams of a large conservatory greenhouse in London, Set Enterprises secret agent Miranda Singh saw two multicoloured goldfish that she had never seen in the stream before swim to escape a shark she had never seen in that stream before.

The goldfish leapt above a huge rock towards another stream.

The shark likewise leapt and landed on the rock hitting its head knocking itself out.

The shark then metamorphosed into the form of the Greek god Ares.

Ares still lay there unconscious.

The two goldfish then shapeshifted into human form.

One of them Miranda recognized as being Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing.

And the other she recognized as being Mahina the Hawaiian and Polynesian Goddess of the Moon.

They left the conservatory.

Miranda looked down at the stream and thought, “Oh brave new world that has such people in it.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday March 30th
2020.

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A Banyan Tree Grows On The Moon

March 29, 2020 at 11:10 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, love, Mythology, News, Poetry, Romance, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

A Banyan Tree Grows On The Moon

Walking the streets of Honolulu in 1946
Was Los Angeles private eye Carson Cody Albion 
He was on vacation 
After having solved the mysterious case of the Blue Velvet Dandelion
back in LA 

He walked through some of the crafts shops in the city 
He noticed one belonging to a man who made ships in a bottle
Carson entered the store and looked around
He noticed one ship in a bottle that attracted his attention

“What ship is this?” Albion asked the craftsman
“The Santa Maria,” the craftsman replied 
“The Santa Maria?” Carson looked at the ship in the bottle, “That was Christopher Columbus’ flagship in 1492 on his journey to the New World wasn’t it?”
“That’s right,” the craftsman nodded.
“I’ll take it,” Albion paid the craftsman 

He walked out of the store and on to the avenue
An elderly Hawaiian woman was at a stand selling coconuts 
The private eye looked at the coconuts but wasn’t hungry at the moment 
So he didn’t buy.

“A Banyan tree grows on the moon,” the coconut woman shouted after him.
“What?” Albion walked back to her.
“A Banyan tree grows on the moon,” she repeated.
“Oh, okay,” Albion figured that the woman had been adding too much rum to her coconut milk 
and decided to continue walking 

“What are you planning to do with that ship in a bottle that’s in your shopping bag?” The woman asked him.
Albion wondered how she knew there was a ship in a bottle in his shopping bag
However he answered, “I don’t know”.

“Here’s a small piece of Kapa cloth,” the woman handed him just that,
“Take this pen and write on it what I have told you, “A Banyan tree grows on the moon”. Then put the Kapa cloth with the message in the bottle alongside the ship and throw it in the ocean where the waves will carry it where it may.”

It was a strange request but Albion felt compelled to comply
That night as the Hawaiian moon shone bright on the shore and sands, he threw the bottle with the ship, Kapa cloth and message into the ocean.

It was a late March night in 2020
The streets of London were deserted because of the countrywide lockdown over the Coronavirus 
but Dracul Van Helsing had a paper signed by Boris Johnson
granting him permission to walk the streets
To rid the city of any evil nocturnal creatures 

As Dracul walked along the banks of the Thames
He noticed a small bottle floating close to the shore
The vampire hunter picked it up
It appeared to be very old 
And it almost had the appearance of having travelled all over the world 
How did it wind up here on the Thames? he wondered.

He looked inside the bottle 
He recognized the ship as being the Santa Maria
He pulled out the small piece of Kapa cloth and noticed the message on it

“A Banyan tree grows on the moon,” Dracul read aloud.

He went back to his London apartment 
Carrying the ship in the bottle and its message with him
He went inside the room he used as an office 
And saw this vision

“Who are you?” Dracul asked.

“I am Mahina the Hawaiian and Polynesian goddess of the moon”

The woman answered.

-A narrative poem 
and vampire novel chapter 
written by Christopher
Sunday March 29th
2020.

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The Egyptian Vampiress Isis In The City of Florence

March 28, 2020 at 10:59 pm (Entertainment, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

The Egyptian Vampiress Isis In The City of Florence 

The Paris-based Egyptian vampiress Isis allowed the full rays of the sun to bask on her face.

You may ask how is it possible for a vampiress to bask in the rays of the sun without becoming grilled to a crisp like a shrimp in a Louisiana Cajun restaurant?

The answer lay in a very powerful sunblock that had been developed many years ago by Set Enterprises’ Dr. Cadbury Rocher.

However the sunblock for what ever reason only worked on vampiresses and not vampires.

Dr. Rocher made his discovery when trying the sunblock out on his two initial test subjects.

The sanity challenged scientist (who was the great grandson of immortal London dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes and the great great grandson of 19th Century London criminal overlord Prof. James Moriarty – yes, Sherrielock Holmes had married Dr. Louis Rocher who was the illegitimate son of her twin brother’s mortal enemy although at the time neither Sherrielock nor Dr. Louis Rocher knew that the evil Prof. Moriarty was Louis’ real father) decided to pick an unpopular vampiress and an unpopular vampire to use as his test subjects since if they fried to a crisp in the daylight, no one would miss them.

For the unpopular vampiress, he picked a distant ancestress of the obnoxious Kardashian clan since being a Kardashian, she was regarded as being overrated in her field which in her case, her field was being a vampiress.

Sadly for those who despise the Kardashians, the sunblock worked on the vampiress ancestress of the Kardashian clan.

The vampiress Countess Kardashian went on to open up her own Instagram account where her pictures of her sucking the life force out of various mortal humans (an attribute passed on to her descendants) attracted over 10 million followers.

As for an unpopular vampire, Dr. Rocher selected Herr Daryl Larry Snerd a nighttime tax auditor for the American IRS.

Sadly for Herr Snerd, he went up in flames like the Hindenburg having a bad day over New Jersey.

After examining the compounds of the sunblock as well as analyzing the DNA in the vampiric blood samples he took from Countess Kardashian and Herr Snerd (prior to sending them out in the daylight as an LP record played Gale Garnett singing “We’ll sing in the sunshine…” in the background of what turned out to be the shortest lived duet in history as Countess Kardashian ended up singing solo), he determined that there was something about the female genetic makeup that allowed the sunblock to work on vampiresses but not vampires.

Of course transgendered vampires insisted that the sunblock would work on them since they had been born in the wrong gender.

But when they went up like a building on Arsonists’ Appreciation Day, the ghost of Col. Sanders would boot Lady Gaga singing Born This Way out of the way and start singing Fried That Way.

And so thanks to Dr. Cadbury Rocher’s efforts of many years ago, the Paris-based Egyptian vampiress Isis (sister and sister-in-law of the London-based Egyptian vampire Set) was able to enjoy the city of Florence in the sunshine today without having to cope with loads of nauseating tourists since the city was under lockdown along with the rest of Italy.

She was approached by the ghost of the great Renaissance Florentine ruler Lorenzo de’ Medici (whom she had once met in the latter’s mortal lifetime).

“Good evening, your Majesty,” Lorenzo bowed to her, “I see you’re enjoying beautiful Florence in solitary peace and tranquility.” 

“I am, Lorenzo,” she smiled at him.

And with that ancient Egypt and Renaissance Italy briefly held hands as representatives of those two great civilizations watched the Florentine sun set.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday March 28th
2020.

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Yaldabaoth’s Vision On His Way To The Big Apple

March 26, 2020 at 10:57 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, History, Horror, International Intrigue, magic, Mystery/horror, Mythology, News, Sorcery, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , )

Yaldabaoth’s Vision On His Way To The Big Apple

Athelstan the butler and valet to the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set was having a conversation with British MP Renfield R. Renfield.

Both men were 6 meters away from one another so they wouldn’t be shot by killer drones recently commandeered by WHO (the World Health Organization) for those who violated the world body’s social distancing rules.

Athelstan was also wearing a face mask.

Although whether this was because he feared getting the Coronavirus or because he had just cleaned out the kitty litter box belonging to Nefertiti Galore (the vampire Set’s fiercely protective house cat) is a matter for speculation.

“So, Mr. Renfield,” Athelstan coughed through his face mask, “I hear that Virginia Gov. Ralph Northam issued an Executive Order this past Monday making it a criminal offense to hold a Church service with more than 10 people present. If found guilty, people could be imprisoned for 12 months and/or fined $2,500.”

“I imagine,” Renfield lit his pipe, “that the Baal and Baphomet worshipping Marxist despot Ralph Northam was positively ejaculating in ecstasy and orgasm at being able to sign such an Executive Order. I don’t imagine he’ll ever bother rescinding it even when the pandemic is over.”

“Probably not, sir,” Athelstan dusted off a portrait painting of the late British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher dressed in a medieval Iron Maiden torture chamber item suit, “Did you hear that Pope Francis’ personally designated papal successor Luis Antonio Cardinal Tagle is saying let’s overcome the Coronavirus with a pandemic of love?”.

“Well,” Renfield sipped his pipe, “Isn’t that jackass just the epitome of romance?”.

. . .

Yaldabaoth the Irish leprechaun was flying a magic shamrock flying carpet from his rented farmhouse in Vermont to New York City.

Yaldabaoth had recently left Ireland after that country had closed all its pubs (As Yaldabaoth remarked at the time, “You know a world situation is serious when it forces Ireland to close all its pubs.”)

He had gone to Vermont hoping that the pubs would be open.

Many of them were closed but lucky for Yaldabaoth, there were plenty of Vermont country gentlemen who made their own moonshine.

Yaldabaoth rented his Vermont farmstead from another Irish leprechaun The Fantastic Flanigan.

The Fantastic Flanigan had the honour of being the world’s shortest UFC fighter.

He also had the honour of being the world’s only always defeated UFC fighter.

Generally all the other UFC fighters used the Fantastic Flanigan as practice for the day the old medieval sport of dwarf tossing was once again brought back into the world.

It so happened that the Fantastic Flanigan owned a flying carpet (made from magic shamrocks) so he had left it behind in the barn for Yaldabaoth to use.

Flanigan was currently spending his social isolation time at the Moonlite Bunny Ranch in Nevada.

As Yaldabaoth approached New York City, he was shocked to see the Big Apple surrounded by an army of Dullahans (A Dullahan was a black horse riding headless horseman of death).

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday March 26th
2020

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Great Caesar’s Ghost and Not So Great Josef Stalin’s Ghost On The Ides of March

March 15, 2020 at 10:55 pm (Avatar Speaks, Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, History, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, Politics, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

Great Caesar’s Ghost and Not So Great Josef Stalin’s Ghost On The Ides of March

The Norse trickster god Loki was up to his old tricks again.

He had arranged for the ghosts of Julius Caesar, Brutus and Cassius to be released from Hades and stand on the steps of the U.S. Capitol in Washington DC not far from the entrance to the U.S. Senate to re-enact the assassination of Julius Caesar for this Ides of March in 2020.

Donald Trump was in his limousine, on his way back to the White House from his toupee maker in DC, being driven by the steps of the U.S. Capitol when he saw the ghostly re-enactment of Caesar’s assassination.

“Okayyyyy,” was the Donald’s profoundly stupid statement.

The same statement he made when his Oval Office address on the Coronavirus was finished and he didn’t realize the cameras were still rolling.

. . .

Josef Stalin’s ghost had been continuously roasting away on his barbecue spit down in Tartarus ever since he kicked the bucket back in 1953.

However Loki convinced the Greek underworld god Hades to give Stalin a temporary dispensational release from Tartarus for about an hour or two.

Acting like the ghost of Christmas Present escorting Scrooge over London, Loki took Stalin to the U.S. where he took him to a COSTCO store parking lot and showed the late Soviet Communist Party General-Secretary the multitudinously vast long line ups of people waiting to get into the store.

Next he teleported Stalin to the toilet paper aisles of the COSTCO where there was absolutely nothing on the shelves.

“Wow,” Stalin was impressed, “Long line ups of people waiting to get into the store and then once inside, there’s nothing on the shelves for them to buy.”

Stalin looked at Loki with tears in his eyes, “It’s just like the old Soviet Union.”

He grabbed a roll of toilet paper that had apparently rolled under a bottom shelf invisible to mortals and tried to wipe his teary eyes.

“Soviet style Socialism has finally triumphed in America,” Stalin smiled.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday March 15th
2020.

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Justin Trudeau Encounters A Mesoamerican Deity In His Pot Smoking Antique Mirror

March 12, 2020 at 10:54 pm (Fantasy, Geopolitics and International Relations, Gothic, International Intrigue, Mystery, Mystery/horror, Mythology, News, Politics, Sorcery, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Justin Trudeau Encounters A Mesoamerican Deity In His Pot Smoking Antique Mirror

Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau had cancelled a First Ministers’ emergency meeting with provincial premiers, territorial leaders and indigenous leaders to discuss the Coronavirus because he himself may have come down with the Coronavirus.

His wife Sophie Gregoire Trudeau had returned from a speaking engagement in London, England last night and had not been feeling well.

She self isolated while awaiting results from a test for Coronavirus.

Justin decided it might be a good example to self-isolate as well.

So he had spent the day re-enacting the Battle of Trafalgar with an armada of rubber ducks in his bathtub.

His wife Sophie had phoned him from the room next door an hour ago and said she had tested positive for the Coronavirus.

“Shit,” Justin thought to himself.

Now he might have to self-isolate a lot longer than he intended.

He walked out to the greenhouse to visit his marijuana inhaling and exhaling antique mirror named Magical Mystery Tour.

He was surprised to see the mirror was reflecting both himself and the greenhouse plants around the mirror instead of the mysterious rare and used book store at the corner of a foreboding dark alley and desolate fog filled street in London, England the way it usually did.

Since he could see his own reflection in the mirror tonight, he decided to put on some blackface since he always felt better wearing blackface for some reason.

A psychiatrist once told him that this feeling was probably due to “penis envy”.

Justin thought that was strange since he thought it was only some women who were prone to penis envy.

The Canadian Prime Minister noticed that the gardener had left the television on just above the coconut tree in the greenhouse.

It showed an old Tarzan movie whereby Tarzan was tied to a tree and an African tribal chief was holding up a 9 inch ruler and pointing at Tarzan and shaking his head and laughing.

“I wonder what message the universe will try to tell me tonight,” Justin thought as he reached for his box of black shoe polish that was hidden underneath the hyacinth plant.

Justin went over and looked at himself in the mirror and started putting the black shoe polish all over his face.

“I now look like Harry Belafonte,” the former drama teacher and amateur thespian grinned at himself in the mirror.

Soon his reflection vanished into the blackness of night emerging from the mirror.

An image of what looked to be a sinister Mesoamerican deity appeared in the mirror as huge whiffs of marijuana smoke came out of the wooden sides of the mirror.

The head of the deity was a sinister looking bluish green skull with a black stripe and a yellow stripe painted across his face.

His right foot was an obsidian mirror.

Although occasionally his right foot would metamorphose into a snake.

When this happened, the obsidian mirror would show up on the deity’s chest instead and sometimes smoke would emanate from the mirror.

Justin entered the antique late Victorian/early Edwardian mirror named Magical Mystery Tour and leaned his painted blackface down to inhale the pot smoke emanating from the obsidian mirror on the deity’s chest.

In the background behind the Mesoamerican deity, the Great Bear constellation shone brightly in the night sky.

In the Great Bear constellation directly behind the deity danced a spotted skin jaguar.

The jaguar sang his own paraphrased version of an old Harry Belafonte song,

“Night-o, night-o, night time come and you oughta go home…”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday March 12th
2020.

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Coronavirus and The Emergence of The Dullahan

March 11, 2020 at 10:49 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, Sports, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , )

Coronavirus and The Emergence of The Dullahan

With stock markets crashing, Democratic Presidential candidates cancelling events, professional sports teams cancelling the rest of their seasons and health experts scrambling to come up with a response, Donald Trump was busy sneezing into Keep America Great hats that he was autographing for his most enthusiastic supporters.

Down at the Vatican, Pope Francis entered a room and was shocked to find that it was stacked with rolls of toilet paper that went all the way up to the room’s high ceiling.

“What’s this all about?” Pope Francis asked his papal secretary.

“Well,” his papal secretary, who was wearing a flashy rhinestone laced pink ensemble designed by a Milan fashion designer who also designed stage costumes for Sir Elton John back in the day of his tours, replied, “after watching those news clips of California buyers going crazy in COSTCO stores, the boys and I decided we should really be prepared in case we have to self-isolate.”

“Really?” Pope Francis gazed at the miles and miles of toilet paper that stretched to the ceiling like giant killer Jack’s magic beanstalks on steroids, “I had no idea that my Vatican team was so full of it.”

And in London, British MP Renfield R. Renfield was having a FaceTime video conversation with his friend Amadeus Emanon who was in Australia helping to rescue koalas, kangaroos and other wildlife from the Australian wildfires.

“Even the moving dinners at the Road Kill Cafe out in the outback are wearing surgical face masks over their faces as they cross the road to get run over and become someone’s entree special,” Amadeus remarked.

Meanwhile in a doctor’s office in Sydney, Australia, a physician, who was wearing the mother of all hazmat outfits to end all hazmat outfits, read aloud to the Road Kill Cafe’s best customer Uncle Ernie the just returned results of his test for the Coronavirus.

The NBA announced the cancelling of the rest of the professional basketball season as a result of a Utah Jazz team player coming down with the Coronavirus.

Tomorrow the NHL would be announcing it would be doing the same with the rest of the professional hockey season.

This month’s World Figure Skating Championships in Montreal, Quebec had likewise been cancelled.

In Tokyo, Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe announced that the 2020 Summer Olympics were still going ahead although the media found the sight of a supernatural Yamabushi samurai warrior committing hari kari in the background during the Prime Ministerial announcement somewhat disconcerting.

Meanwhile in Ireland, the Dullahan of Irish Celtic mythology was preparing to ride forth across the world.

The Dullahan- a headless horseman dressed all in black (carrying his own head in his own arm) riding a black horse.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday March 11th
2020.

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Searching For Wisdom In A Hall of Mirrors

March 10, 2020 at 10:59 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, Gothic romance, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, Poetry, Romance, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , )

Searching For Wisdom In A Hall of Mirrors

In a quiet room in London
Van Helsing sat
He looked over at his old black and white TV from the 1950s
That he had bought from a vintage antique shop 

The TV was off 
But he could imagine images on the TV screen
Pope Francis, like the Soup Nazi from the old Seinfeld TV show, wagging his finger and saying to the Catholic Faithful,
“No Holy Communion Sacrifice of The Mass for you”,
A girl with purple hair in a pink convertible singing her own version of an old Danish pop group Aqua song,
“I’m a Corona girl in a Corona world, it’s fantastic,
Our oceans are filled with plastic…”
Russian President Vladimir Putin proclaiming that 2024 (the 100th Anniversary of Lenin’s Death) will be year 0 for the new Russian Constitution
So since things are starting anew, he can run for 2 new six year Presidential terms 
Allowing him to remain in power until 2036
Donald Trump waving off testing for the Coronavirus and saying,
“I’m so jealous of Vladimir Putin right now”
Justin Trudeau dressed as a blackfaced 17th Century Jamaican pirate aboard a ship 
And singing his own version of an old sea shanty folk song,
“What shall we do with the Coronavirus? 
What shall we do with the Coronavirus?
So earl-lie in the morning,
Way hey, up she rises 
Way hey, up she rises”
And the Coronavirus rises as a beautiful woman 
Holding a golden cup full of… wine?
(But Bela Lugosi’s Dracula does not drink wine)
And rising while sitting on a 10-headed 7-horned beast

Dracul wondered, Where is wisdom?

He found himself walking through the Hall of Mirrors 
In the 1947 Orson Welles film 
The Lady From Shanghai
Before the mirrors had all been shot out by some of the protagonists of that story
And there in one of the mirrors he saw

Athena, the Greek goddess of wisdom

So here is wisdom, Dracul thought to himself,
Lost in a mirror in a Hall of Mirrors.

-A poem and vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday March 10th
2020.

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Set, Baphomet, Moloch, The Coronavirus, Ratatoskr and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez

March 9, 2020 at 11:00 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, Sorcery, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , )

Set, Baphomet, Moloch, The Coronavirus, Ratatoskr and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez

The London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set was asked by his butler and valet Athelstan, “Tell me, sir, back during the world financial crisis of 2008, you went from being a billionaire to being a mere multi-millionaire. It was only Renfield betting all you had on Spain winning the 2010 FIFA World Cup that led to you becoming a billionaire again. Now that the stock markets today have taken their worst hit and plunge since the global economic meltdown of 2008, are you in danger of becoming a mere multi-millionaire again?”.

“Fortunately not, Athelstan,” Set sipped his martini and ate his caviar, “I learned my lesson from 2008. I have a wide reserve of gold that I bought and hid in an abandoned mine somewhere in the British Isles that is guarded by a clone that Dr. Cadbury Rocher made of Hades’ 3 headed dog Cerberus. So I’m ready for whatever downturn happens.”

“I suppose it was fears over the Coronavirus that sparked this panic, sir,” Athelstan handed the ancient Egyptian vampire a bottle of Corona beer with a lemon inside.

“It was,” Set nodded, “That and a row between Saudi Arabia and Russia over the price and supply of oil that sent oil prices into a down spin.”

Set then grabbed a bottle of tequila with a large worm inside the bottle from the tray that Athelstan presented to him.

. . .

The demon Baphomet was having a conversation with the ancient Canaanite god Moloch.

“This Coronavirus is quite delightful,” Baphomet drank a test tube full of the virus, “As a result, I see the Vatican has cancelled all public Masses in Rome and Italy from now until April 3rd.”

The pair were sitting in a totally empty Rome taverna.

“And from what I understand from my sources in the Vatican which are many,” the bull-headed god rubbed his metallic furnace belly, “Pope Francis would like to extend that indefinitely.”

“It was rather nice of George Soros, Hillary Clinton and the Sankt Gallen Mafia to force Benedict XVI to resign and put in Pope Francis for us,” Baphomet ordered an extra fruity strawberry daiquiri with a side of goat’s milk.

“It was,” Moloch nodded as he gratefully took his plate of the Hillary Clinton Secret Topping Pizza from the waiter.

. . .

After a day out campaign stumping for Bernie Sanders at which she told crowds, “He’s da man!”, Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez was back in her hotel room and opening one of her drawers to take out her vibrator to bring her some much needed relief.

It helped relieve her anxiety.

An intern might be good enough for Bill Clinton but it wasn’t good enough for her.

When she opened the drawer, she got the shock of her life when, instead of her vibrator, a red squirrel with elongated pointed ears jumped out at her.

“I think I’m going squirrelly,” she moaned as her skirt fell to the floor.

“I’m Ratatoskr,” the apparently talking squirrel introduced himself.

“The squirrel in Norse mythology who runs up and down the world tree Yggdrasil to carry messages back and forth between the eagle perched atop Yggdrasil and the serpent Nidhoggr who dwells beneath one of the three roots of the tree?” Alexandria asked as her bra came apart at the back.

“You’ve heard of me?” Ratatoskr grinned as he helped himself to a nut from a small jar labelled Alexandria’s Socialist Nuts.

“My yoga instructor talked about you last week as he came out of a trance after listening to an old LP called the Tibetan Buddhist Monks and Lamas’ Greatest Mind Altering Chants,” Alexandria explained, “What are you doing here?”.

“Well, I’m searching for a new job after the world tree Yggdrasil was cut down this past weekend by a Brazilian logging conglomerate that was given permission by Brazilian President Jair Bolsonaro to do so,” Ratatoskr washed down the nut with a bottle of Amazon Rainwater.

“So what do you want with me?” Alexandria inquired.

“Well, I’m here to serve as your new spirit guide,” Ratatoskr grinned, “Your Silva Method instructor sent me. He figured you might need a new one since the leprechaun who had been assigned to you got sodomized by some guy dressed as a rainbow at the recent Queens NY Saint Pat’s For All Parade that was held this past Saint David’s Day. He’s now undergoing treatment for PTSD.”

Meanwhile in an abandoned mine in Cornwall, a Cerberus clone was keeping a close eye on Set’s pots of gold.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday March 9th
2020.

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