Mermaid Miranda’s Revelation Part 2

May 20, 2017 at 3:42 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

“The reason,” Miranda the mermaid looked at Nathan the Controller of the Golem, “that the mermaid goddess Atargatis wants to destroy Israel is because of her daughter Semiramis. Semiramis has formed an alliance with the ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith who, of course, has always wanted to destroy Israel and the Jews because she claims that the Babylonian Talmud maligned and libeled her good name.”

“Yes, Lilith once poisoned my Scotch whisky with polonium-210 while I was sitting in a London pub,” Nathan recalled, “it was Set Enterprises’ resident mad scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher who saved my life with an antidote to polonium-210 that he invented.”

“I heard about that, Nathan,” Miranda looked at him sympathetically.

“But what caused Semiramis to form an alliance with Lilith?” Nathan asked.

“Her first husband Nimrod returned to Earth a few years ago aboard a UFO with a bunch of ET grays,” Miranda explained, “and the ship crashed near Tuktoyaktuk, Canada north of the Arctic Circle. Nimrod’s body was recovered and taken to a secret lab near Washington DC. Lilith stole Nimrod’s body and brought him back to life. Only the magic kiss Lilith used to bring Nimrod back to life went awry and the princely ruler of ancient Babel was turned into a little green frog. He now hangs out between the breasts of Lilith in her low-cut evening dresses.”

“Sounds like Nimrod has become every teen-aged boy’s fantasy come true,” Nathan thought aloud to himself.

“Is it every human teen boy’s fantasy to be like Kermit the Frog?” Miranda looked quizzically at Nathan.

“Um… no,” Nathan shook his head. “so I take it that Semiramis has formed an alliance with Lilith since Nimrod has become (ahem!) so close to Lilith.”

“That is correct,” Miranda nodded.

“And Atargatis in turn has naturally joined in alliance with her daughter Semiramis who’s aligned with Lilith,” Nathan was beginning to see the light.

The morning sun peered through the aquarium lab’s windows.

Meanwhile in Saudi Arabia, U.S. President Donald Trump had arrived with First Lady Melania Trump.
Donald and Melania Trump
Donald: I didn’t see any mermaids down in the desert sands of Saudi Arabia.

Melania: That’s probably because they’re swimming in the ocean.

Over in London, vampire hunter and MI-6 operative Dracul Van Helsing had received a phone call from Peter Whitstable the Fox Mulder of Interpol.

“Dracul,” Whitstable began, “I’ve been doing some research on the famous 17th Century Jesuit scholar Father Athanasius Kircher. He apparently had in his possession some ancient Greek mechanism that was the equivalent of our analogue computers.It also served as an orrery to predict astronomical positions and eclipses. But according to the diary entry of Father Kircher’s I’ve come across, the mechanism could also be used to locate mermaids. Sadly the mechanism disappeared on the night of Father Kircher’s death.”

“You know what, Peter,” Dracul leafed through the pages of his ancestor Captain Dante Van Helsing’s journal, “I have an idea where that mechanism is now.”

“Where?” Whitstable asked.

“It’s now called the Antikythera Mechanism and it’s to be found in the National Archaeological Museum in Athens, Greece.” Van Helsing answered.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday May 20th
2017.

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Mermaid Miranda’s Revelation

May 19, 2017 at 4:21 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , )

The mermaid who called herself Miranda had once again awakened in the salt water tank in the Israeli government aquatics laboratory in Tel Aviv.

The Controller of the Golem (a Mossad agent who went by that code name) came down to see her.

“Nice to see you awake, Miranda,” the Controller brought her roses wondering if a mermaid would like them.

She did.

She smelled them and smiled.

“Thank you, Nathan,” she said once again calling him by his first name known to few outside Mossad or the Israeli Prime Minister’s office.

“You’re welcome,” Nathan smiled at her.

Then she turned serious, “I landed on the beach at Tel Aviv to warn you and your people.”

“Warn us about what?” Nathan asked.

“The goddess Atargatis ancestress of all mermaids wants to destroy your nation,” Miranda looked grim.

Nathan knew his classical Near Eastern mythology.

Atargatis was a northern Syria goddess.

She was called Derketo by the Greeks and Dea Syriae by the Romans.

The goddess Atargatis fell in love with a mortal (a shepherd) and had a child by him- Semiramis.

One cruel day, Atargatis unintentionally killed her love and the father of her child.

Ashamed, she flung herself into a lake near Ashkelon and was turned into the form of a fish but the waters could not conceal her divine beauty.Thereafter she took the form of a mermaid- human above the waist, fish below.

Atargatis’ daughter Semiramis became a legendary Assyrian queen and was said to have been married to the biblical Nimrod (founder of Babel) and later Ninus (founder of the city of Nineveh).

A 19th Century Free Church of Scotland minister Alexander Hislop had several wet dreams about Semiramis inspiring him to label the Roman Catholic Church the Whore of Babylon and to write a book about the subject called The Two Babylons.

Nathan’s thoughts of his Ph.D Program in Classical Mythology at Cambridge University returned to the present.

“Why,” Nathan asked Miranda, “does the mermaid goddess Atargatis want to destroy Israel?”.

. . .

U.S. President Donald Trump was flying en route to Saudi Arabia when he was handed an NSA report that certain mermaids were plotting to destroy Israel.

Trump was angry when he read the report.

“How,” Trump blew both his top and his toupee, “am I supposed to tweet about this? Especially after I just called former FBI director James Comey a real nut job? And especially in lieu of the fact that polls indicate that some Americans think I’m off my rocker myself?”.

. . .

Dracul Van Helsing was reading the journal of one of his 17th Century ancestors Captain Dante Van Helsing.

The journal had been found floating in a wooden chest on the Aegian Sea after his ancestor’s ship The Virgil went down on his final voyage.

The last entry said that Dante had been turned on by the sight of sirens singing on a rock.

When he neared the rock, a mermaid who called herself Thessalonike of Macedon appeared.

Dracul knew that according to history, Thessalonike of Macedon was the half-sister of Alexander the Great.

According to legend, Alexander had found the Fountain of Immortality and had filled a flask of water from it.

He washed his sister’s hair with the flask.

When Alexander died, his grief-stricken sister threw herself into the sea.

Instead of drowning, she became an immortal mermaid.

When she encountered sailors, she always asked them the same question, “Is Alexander the king alive?”.

The correct answer in her opinion would be, “He lives and reigns and conquers the world.”

If given this answer, she would allow the crew and their ship to sail safely away in calm seas.

Any other answer would send her into a rage and she’d cause the waves to send the ship and every sailor on board to the bottom.

The journal entry ended with Dante saying that Thessalonike had just appeared.

Obviously Dante’s answer of Thessalonike’s question was not to her liking.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday May 19th
2017.

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Captain Dante Van Helsing and Qonzilqointec

May 17, 2017 at 4:08 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, Romance, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

The date was May 17th 1687.

And the notorious pirate Captain Dante Van Helsing (an ancestor of Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing) was far from his home town of Amsterdam.

He was sailing the Caribbean which was his favourite sea for piracy.

Captain Dante Van Helsing had formed an alliance with the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec.

She was anxious to see Spanish ships raided and sunk as vengeance for the Spanish conquering her Aztec Empire in Mexico.

Captain Dante Van Helsing did these raids on Spanish ships gladly.

And Qonzilqointec would pay Dante back in her bedroom at night.

But then another pirate came into the Caribbean.

A pirate who sailed a Chinese junk ship and called himself Wo Fat.

But despite dressing and looking the part of a Chinese pirate, the individual was really an Englishman and a defrocked Jesuit priest named Alfred Loisy George Tyrrell.

He was defrocked for claiming that Antipope John XXIII (who was himself the notorious pirate Baldassarre Cossa in his early life) who reigned from 1410 to 1415 was in fact a true Pope.

Wo Fat (as he now called himself) after being kicked out of the Jesuit order stole an ancient Greek analogue computer and orrery that was in the possession of one of his Jesuit confreres Father Athanasius Kircher.

He stole the mechanism from Father Kircher’s room on the evening of the latter’s death on November 28th 1680.

Wo Fat used the device to navigate and determine the position of the ships that he raided.

Qonzilqointec spotted the device while flying around as a vampire bat on his ship one night.

She alerted Captain Dante Van Helsing to the existence of the device..

Van Helsing said, “I must have it.”

So Qonzilqointec flew on to Wo Fat’s ship The Albatross and promptly changed from a bat into her alluring vampiric female form.

She brought several good bottles of coconut rum lifted to her from a row boat rowed by Dante.

She went into Wo Fat’s cabin,

After plying him with several goblets of coconut rum and rubbing his bald head against her magnificent bosom

Qonzilqointec With Wo Fat

…. Wo Fat fell asleep.

Whereupon Qonzilqointec stole the device.

She then gave it to Captain Dante Van Helsing on the night of May 17th 1687.

Van Helsing returned home to Amsterdam where he was forced by his parents to marry a good Dutch girl.

“No more running around with these exotic foreign women,” his father had said to him.

So Dante Van Helsing married, settled down, became a maker of Dutch wooden shoes and had four children.

Finally bored to tears, he decided to make one more voyage.

This time to the Aegean Sea.

While there, he encountered a group of alluring looking sirens on a rock near the Greek island of Antikythera.

His ship The Virgil sank.

And went down to the bottom of the sea alongside an earlier Roman era shipwreck.

The Virgil was torn apart by mermaids.

Only Dante’s mysterious mechanism (that Qonzilqointec had pirated away from the pseudo-Chinese pirate Wo Fat) was left behind.

The mechanism was recovered on May 17th 1902.

– A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday May 17th
2017.

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Avalon Rising: A Poem

May 15, 2017 at 4:13 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, Poetry, Politics, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

And so from Xanadu the mighty Kublai Khan might decree
but did he ever make out with the goddess Aphrodite?
Dracul Van Helsing thought while returning from Athens
and attending service of Glastonbury Abbey matins
among those ancient ruins
far from desert sand dunes.

The Welsh Vampiress Morgana visited Dracul
a break from campaigning against a werewolf fool
in the constituency of Newbridge in Wales
principality ruled by Charles Prince of Tails

Now this vampiress was a niece of Morgan Le Fay
for this vamp had been around since medieval day
and she told Dracul that he was descended from both Morgan Le Fay and King Arthur
making Dracul a king and not just a knight with a knighthood to be called “Sir”

For her aunt the sorceress Morgana and Arthur had another child besides Mordred
the one who at the battle of Camlann both he and Arthur mortally bled
this child was a girl sent to Ireland for safekeeping
as Camelot was overrun by blood and weeping

And Dracul was descended from this princess royal
who was born Morgan and Arthur’s child on Avalon soil

And so after hearing this from Morgana, he wandered far from Glastonbury Tor
this vampiric news that had him hit the ceiling and not the royal floor
he wandered across plains and through trees seeing a doe and her fawn
then he looked and saw the mists of Avalon rising through the dawn

Avalon Rising In The Mists of Dawn

He had once pulled a sword out of a stone in Cornwall many years ago
and now it looked like prophecy would unfold- Avalon’s rising- ’tis so.

-A poem written by Christopher
Monday May 15th 2017.

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King Arthur At The Movies

May 12, 2017 at 4:10 pm (Arts, Culture, Entertainment, Film, Literature, Movies, Mythology, Personal essays, The Supernatural) (, , , , , , , )

The movie King Arthur: Legend of the Sword opens in theatres today on what is the 80th Anniversary of the coronation of King George VI as King of Britain (which happened on May 12th 1937).

I’m sure there is no correlation between the two events- the release of a movie that I gather is a real turkey judging from reviews I’m reading at the Rotten Tomatoes film web site and the coronation of a man who was a great and heroic king (in contrast to his brother the Nazi sympathizer King Edward VIII who abdicated the throne for what he thought was a great piece of tail Mrs. Wallis Simpson).

To mark the occasion, I’m posting here two photo montage music videos I made about King Arthur at the OneTrueMedia video making site (an online video making site that sadly no longer exists) and then posted to YouTube.

The 1st King Arthur photo montage I made back on January 24th 2009:

The 2nd King Arthur photo montage music video I made (which was called Merlin, Morgana and Arthur using images from the famous TV series called Merlin) I made back on July 21st 2009:

Here are links to a few chapters I’ve written in my series of vampire novels that pertain to the Arthurian legend:

King Arthur and The Vampire Horus:

https://draculvanhelsing.wordpress.com/2011/04/20/king-arthur-and-the-vampire-horus/

Sunset Over Camelot:

https://draculvanhelsing.wordpress.com/2011/04/18/sunset-over-camelot/

Morgana Before Dawn:

http://thevampiresamurai.blogspot.ca/2010/04/morgana-before-dawn-planned-catnapping.html

Arthur’s Sword and The Best Laid Plans of Mice and Men

http://thevampiresamurai.blogspot.ca/2010/04/arthurs-sword-and-best-laid-plans-of.html

-A personal essay
written by Christopher
Friday May 12th 2017.

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French Presidential Election: A Defeat For The Kraken

April 24, 2017 at 4:54 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, Politics, Religion) (, , , )

The Kraken who called himself Napoleon VI was in a total state of shock.

In his mortal human life the Kraken had been Italian mad scientist Dr. Poseidon Prometheus.

Dying of a fatal disease, Dr. Poseidon Prometheus had uploaded his consciousness into the body of a cyborg octopus (part robot and part octopus) with metallic hooked tentacled arms.

He had later met and fell in love with the ex-gorgon Medusa (Medusa had been cured of her Gorgoness and her snaky hairstyle (that turned people to stone) by British mad scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher.

Back on December 2nd 2015 on a whim, Napoleon VI had himself and Medusa crowned Emperor and Empress of France respectively at Notre Dame Cathedral. The coronation had received the papal blessing of Pope Francis. (Please read https://draculvanhelsing.wordpress.com/2015/12/02/the-crunch-kraken-of-notre-dame/ )

But despite that, the Imperial coronation had not been recognized by the French government, the French National Assembly, the French judiciary or even the French people.

To rectify that situation, this year the Kraken Napoleon VI decided to run for President of France.

Once elected President of France, he’d then call a referendum to have himself proclaimed Emperor of the French.

Back in January, he had even started his own political party for this purpose the Aquarian Age Bonapartist Party.

He had received the Aquarian Age Bonapartist Party nomination for President unanimously (since he and Medusa were the only members of the Aquarian Age Bonapartist Party).

But to paraphrase Robbie Burns, “the best laid plans of mice and Kraken, they often go astray”.

Because in yesterday’s first round Presidential election in France, he had come in in 12th and last place.

Napoleon VI blamed the media for his defeat.

They only talked about the 11 candidates running for President during the election.

Forgetting that there was a 12th candidate- himself the Kraken Napoleon VI- the Aquarian Age Bonapartist candidate.

Centrist candidate Emmanuel Macron and far-rightist candidate Marine Le Pen would both advance to the next and final round of the French Presidential election.

Now in each of the Kraken’s eight tentacled arms, he held a bottle of Napoleon Brandy.

He finished off each bottle.

Medusa who was trying on new dresses that she had bought herself today (to console her grief) looked over at her husband.

He was going to one Hell of a hangover, she thought to herself.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday April 24th
2017.

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Saint George’s Day 2017

April 23, 2017 at 3:45 pm (Detective story, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, Literature, Mythology, News, Politics, Romance, Vampire novel) (, , , )

Saint George and The Dragon

South African cultural attache Lepardia Marango and British Conservative MP Agathor Christie had gone to morning services at Saint George’s Anglican Church in Hanover Square in the city of Westminster, central London to celebrate Saint George’s Day since Saint George is the patron Saint of England.

Afterwards they went to have brunch together in a nearby pub.

Sitting across from them was Renfield R. Renfield in disguise.

Renfield was wearing dark sunglasses, a Scottish kilt with sporran, a t-shirt that said I AM WILLIAM WALLACE and was carrying bagpipes at his side.

“So, Agathor,” Lepardia adjusted her dark navy blue skirt, “you’re the great nephew of British mystery novelist Agatha Christie?”.

“Yes, but only by marriage,” Agathor Christie confessed, “not by blood unfortunately. I’m the great nephew of her cad first husband Archibald Christie whom she divorced in 1928 after he had an extramarital affair with one Nancy Neele (whom he married after his divorcing Agatha).”

“What about your name Agathor?” Lepardia asked, “Were you named after your great aunt by marriage Agatha Christie and given the masculine name Agathor?”.

“Um… actually no I wasn’t,” Agathor sipped his orange juice.

“Were you named after the character in Tolkien then?” Lepardia poured herself some tea.

“No, not him either,” Agathor blushed.

“Then who were you named after?” Lepardia looked at him quizzically.

“Well,” Agathor felt himself turning as red as the fried tomatoes on his plate, “My full Christian name… if you can call it a Christian name… is Agamemnon Thor… I’m Agamemnon Thor Christie. I was named Agamemnon because my father was a Greek mythology buff. And I was given the middle name Thor because my mother is a Norse mythology buff. In school because the kids made fun of the name Agamemnon, I shortened my name to Agathor for short (a shortened form of Agamemnon Thor) because Tolkien is always cool for every generation of kids.”

“I see,” Lepardia smiled and laughed, “And do you have any conditions for marriage?”.

“Well,” Agathor’s face was now turning as red as a Communist who had fallen into a giant bottle of ketchup, “I don’t intend to marry any woman called Clytemnestra.”

“Well, my name isn”t Clytemnestra,” Lepardia Marango who had a good classical education laughed heartedly.

Renfield R. Renfield (who did not have much of a classical education) did not.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday April 23rd
2017.

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Just Another Maundy Thursday?

April 13, 2017 at 4:31 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, Mythology, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Amadeus Emanon was in the Set Enterprises lab with Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster.

Amadeus was checking the computer that kept track of all Michelangelo’s psychic predictions for the past 30 days just in case the manual scribe who wrote down all of Michelangelo’s psychic predictions as they happen just happen to miss one.

The manual scribe that wrote down Michelangelo’s predictions was the cyborg robotic operated missing right hand of the Venus de Milo. The missing right arm was discovered by the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set’s personal archaeologist Dr. Edgar Lovecraft Ashbury on November 28th 1960 at a remote location on the island of Greenland which is quite the distance from the Greek island of Milos where the original famous armless statue of the Greek goddess Aphrodite (now in the Louvre) was first discovered back on April 8th 1820. Dr. Cadbury Rocher (in violation of the laws regarding internationally important antiquities) drilled a hole inside the marble arm and inserted an electronic wire that operated on a wi-fi system and caused the arm to move and write on a piece of paper whenever Michelangelo had a psychic revelation out of the blue when no one was present.

Usually this was Renfield’s job to take down what the missing right arm of the Venus de Milo might have missed but Renfield R. Renfield was currently in Venezuela in the planning stages of a coup to overthrow the government of Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro.

Amadeus was checking a prediction that Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster had made back on April 1st of this year.

The prediction said, “World War III would break out on Good Friday 2017.”

Good Friday 2017?

That was tomorrow.

Amadeus looked at the calendar.

Amadeus wondered.

Was this prediction genuine or accurate?

Or was it an April Fool’s joke?

In the background, the song Only Time sung by the Irish singer Enya played on the radio.

. . .

Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau was sampling the best of British Columbia grass (as opposed to the California grass that the Beatles had once sang about) and checking his email as he smoked it.

He noticed he got an email from Gali-Gula the ET gray from the planet Nibiru (whose ET gray body was inhabited by the ghost of the ancient Roman Emperor Caligula).

The email read,

“Hello Justy old boy,

How’s it going? You’ll be delighted to hear that I’m one of 12 individuals selected to get his feet washed by Pope Francis at tonight’s Maundy Thursday papal washing of the feet ceremony.

I wound up in a Rome jail because I parked my spaceship in a No Parking zone outside the Colosseum and I tried to bribe the corrupt City of Rome policeman out of a ticket with Italian lira forgetting that the current currency of Italy is now the Euro.

Anyways look for me getting my feet washed by the Pope on the news tonight. I’ll be the one who’s rather short, gray in colour and not wearing any clothes.

Affectionately yours,

Your far out Extraterrestrial friend,
Gali-Gula.

. . .

The NATO General Wolfgang Vulkan (who was the Norse god Odin (aka the old German god Wotan) in disguise) stood in the middle of Maidan Square in Kiev.

He noticed Russian Spetsnaz special forces dropping from the skies over Kiev.

What were they doing?

He noticed that the ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith standing in a white evening dress in the middle of the square appeared to be leading them.

Thor stood there with his hammer.

“Why is Lilith leading these Spetsnaz?” He asked Wotan.

“I’m not sure,” Wotan shook his head sadly, “if my mortal son was here, he could ask her. My mortal son was once allies and friends with her.”

“You have a mortal son?” Thor was shocked.

“I must confess that I once acted like the Greek god Zeus and seduced a mortal woman,” Wotan shook his head in shame, “it was the late summer of 1888. My mortal son was born 9 months later in April 1889.”

“Why didn’t you tell anyone of this?” Thor inquired.

“If he had conquered the world like he said he was going to do, I would have, I’d have been a proud papa,” Wotan’s one-eye wept tears, “but he didn’t conquer the world. He never made it to Valhalla on his death. The Valkyries could not enter Berlin on the day he died April 30th 1945 because they came under attack by Soviet forces when they tried.”

“So where is he?” Thor asked.

“Some wise guy put a gold coin in my son’s mouth when he died and he ended up in the Greek underworld of Hades after Charon rowed him across the River Styx,” Wotan answered, “perhaps you could go to Hades and Persephone and ask that my son’s ghost be allowed to come here to speak to Lilith.”

Thor looked in the direction of Lilith and noticed the wolf Fenrir standing next to her.

“I’ll go,” said Thor, “what is your mortal son’s name?”.

Wotan replied, “Adolf Hitler.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday April 13th
2017.

The Wild Hunt 1889 by Franz von Stuck
An Adolf Hitler looking Germanic god Wotan in the 1889 painting The Wild Hunt by Franz von Stuck

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The Death of The March Hare: A Poem

March 31, 2017 at 6:09 pm (Fantasy, Literature, Mystery/horror, Mythology, Poetry) (, , , , , , , , , , )

Persephone

On her throne, Persephone the Queen of the Underworld did decree
that the March Hare had brought joy to far too many
and it was time that this valiant hare should die
and should be now before March time did fly

So on this last day of March 2017
as the Hare drank tea with a Heartly Queen
the Messenger of Death did drop Polonium-210
into the hare’s teacup at the stroke of Big Ben

The hare raised the tea to his lips
as Mad Hatter recalled his latest trips
up through and outside the Rabbit hole
when the poor hare turned as black as coal

“Remember to pay the phone bill” were the Hare’s last words before he died
as into the frying pan went the Heartly queen’s kipper being fried
The March Hare fell over quite dead
and the Heartly queen turned bright red
“I did not say off with his head”.

The March Hare was buried with a carrot in his mouth
payment that Ferryman Charon told to take a hike south
and so the March Hare’s pour soul is now trapped on the River Styx
as Queen Persephone laughs and plays pick up sticks.

-A poem written by Christopher
Friday March 31st 2017.

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Dashwood Forrest and Pan Goatee In Calgary

March 29, 2017 at 5:30 pm (Commentary, Culture, Folklore, Horror, Mythology, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

“What a place totally devoid of culture,” Dashwood Forrest the Oscar Wilde of the 21st Century said to his Undead butler and valet Mulligan the Irish zombie.

“I’d have to agree,” Mulligan the Irish zombie remarked. He had only spent less than 24 hours in the city and he was already forgetting how to recite Irish ballads and poetry.

“I imagine if one were looking for culture and learning in Calgary, one would probably only find it among certain people living in homeless shelters in a city such as this,” Dashwood Forrest sipped on his chocolate milkshake.

“I’d have to agree,” Mulligan the Irish zombie nodded, “and what extremely ugly women seem to live in this city. I’ve never seen such fat ugly looking specimens.”

Mulligan the Undead promptly died again as he looked out the window and saw the walking specimens of ghastly horror.

Mulligan’s last words before dying a second time were, “Genesis 6 would have never happened had the angels landed in Calgary instead of the Middle East. There would have been no rise of the Nephilim because the sons of God would not have found the daughters of men attractive.”

“Truer last words were never spoken, Mulligan,” Forrest acknowledged, “with the possible exception of Oscar Wilde’s last words spoken in his room, “Either that wallpaper goes or I do.” It’s amazing how unattractive interior decorating can lead to deaths of great geniuses. To say nothing of how unattractive exterior decorating can lead to the death of one’s valet.”

Dashwood Forrest thought of calling South African witch doctor Sterling Makabo on his mobile phone and get him to chant a spell to bring Mulligan back from the dead.

He thought he’d wait a while however until they had left Calgary.

Forrest was in a quandary however. Even though he was gay, the site of such repulsive ugly looking members of the opposite sex waddling around and fender bumping their broomsticks in public was enough to kill one’s libido faster than taking a cold shower in a U.S. Army barracks.

Forrest removed a classical ancient Greek olive oil lamp from his jacket pocket.

The lamp had been a gift from his good friend Ivanka Trump for favours rendered.

If he remembered his Arabian Nights folklore correctly, Aladdin used a magic lamp to summon a genie.

Maybe he could rub this lamp and summon a genie to bump off all these ugly women.

Dashwood Forrest rubbed the lamp.

Pan Goatee appeared.

“How the Hell did I get from an Orson Welles repertory film festival in Washington D.C. (where strangely enough I was the only one in the theatre) to a milk shake bar in what looks to be the city of Calgary- the city of gay cowboys- not surprising given the overall unattractiveness of the women here,” the genetically created satyr serial killer scratched his head.

“I do most humbly apologize, my good man,” Dashwood Forrest bowed, “or rather my good satyr, I was hoping to summon a genie but you’ll do. I was wondering if you could slay these ugly women for me.”

“Happy to oblige,” Pan Goatee took out his astrally projected laser machete and walked out the door where he proceeded to behead ugly women left, right and center.

Pan Goatee’s aesthetically oriented mercy killing actions led to Mulligan the Irish Zombie coming back from the dead.

“Why did we come to Calgary anyways?” Mulligan asked Dashwood Forrest.

“To see Lake Louise in the Blue Canadian Rockies to celebrate Dame Vera Lynn’s 100th Birthday earlier this month,” Dashwood Forrest explained.

“Then let’s go see Lake Louise and go,” Mulligan pleaded.

“An excellent idea,” Forrest said, “go outside and hail a taxi for us, will you?”.

As the Michael Jackson song Thriller played in the background on the old milkshake bar diner’s jukebox, Mulligan the Irish zombie ran outside and did just that.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday March 29th
2017.

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