Napoleon’s 250th Birthday and Woodstock 50th Anniversary

August 15, 2019 at 10:00 pm (History, Music, Mythology, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , )

Napoleon’s 250th Birthday and Woodstock 50th Anniversary 

Today was the Emperor Napoleon Bonaparte’s 250th birthday.

To celebrate the occasion the Kraken who called himself Napoleon VI and was the leader of the French Aquarian Age Bonapartist Party (this particular Kraken had been Italian mad scientist Dr. Poseidon Prometheus prior to uploading his consciousness into the body of a cyborg octopus back in June 2015) was going to blow out 250 candles on a huge Black Forest cake on the banks of the River Seine in Paris.

Medusa (the ex-Gorgon who had married the Kraken with Pope Francis’ papal blessing back in January 2017) led the assembled crowd on the banks of the Seine into singing Happy Birthday.

Medusa and the Paris Impromtu Singers sang,

“Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday, dear Napoleon,
Happy Birthday to you…”

Everyone whistled and applauded.

The ghost of the Emperor Napoleon (who had been granted temporary dispensational leave from the Underworld by Hades and Persephone for this occasion) wiped spectral tears from his ghostly eyes.

The Kraken leaned over to blow the 250 candles out on the Black Forest cake when he suddenly noticed that he had totally run out of hot air (he had used up his hot air giving a speech in the European Parliament yesterday on the subject of climate change).

His inability to blow out the candles started a massive fire on the Black Forest (that is the cake and not the forest in southwestern Germany).

Napoleon VI the Kraken got one of his tentacles (as opposed to one of his testicles) caught on fire and started dancing up and down the banks of the River Seine going, “Ooch! Ouch! Ooch! Ouch!”.

At that moment an otter called Jefferey de Montmartre (a DARPA operative) dived into the River Seine causing a huge splash that put the candles and the fire out.

Medusa then began to cut the cake (which now looked more like a Baked Alaska than a Black Forest cake) and started handing slices out.

Today was also the 50th Anniversary of the start of the Woodstock Music Festival.

Billed as “an Aquarian exposition: 3 days of peace and music”, it was held at Max Yasgur’s 600-acre dairy farm in Bethel, New York.

Interestingly enough, there was a pot-smoking hippy coincidentally named Rip Van Weedwrinkle who had fallen asleep just before the concert 50 years ago and now had just woken up 50 years later in one miraculous feat of survival (all a testament to the power of British Columbia’s Sechelt Peninsula marijuana).

He woke up singing, “What would you do if I sang out of tune? Would you stand up and walk out on me?”.

He raised himself up, brushed the cobwebs out of his long graying hair and beard and looked around at the empty fields that surrounded him.

“Hey, where is everybody?” He called out, “When does the concert start? Anyone?”.

His voice echoed through the empty fields and was answered by the Aquarian Age moo of a cow in the distance.

-A vampire novel chapter 
written by Christopher
Thursday August 15th
2019.

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Svengali The Diabolical Shrimp Causes Power Blackout

August 9, 2019 at 10:53 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

Svengali The Diabolical Shrimp Causes Power Blackout

A major power blackout occurred in England and Wales today.

Set Enterprises’ Dr. Cadbury Rocher asked Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster to use his psychic powers to determine the cause.

This is what Michelangelo came up with after receiving a vision.

Months earlier the evil Jesuit priest and scientist Father Caiaphas bar Yochai was becoming quite upset about how British MP Renfield R. Renfield and the Welsh vampiress Morgana were upsetting the best laid plans of demons and evil deities.

He resolved to do something to solve this problem.

Of course one of the most powerful weapons in the arsenal of Renfield and Morgana was Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster.

If only, Father Caiaphas chewed his pentagram decorated fingernails, he could come up with a diabolical equivalent of Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster.

When he had finished chewing off his pentagram decorated fingernails, Father Caiaphas took off his shoes and socks in the booth in the Rome taverna he was sitting in and started working on his pentagram decorated toe nails.

It just so happened that the Kraken Napoleon VI (leader of the French Aquarian Age Bonapartist Party) was sitting across from him drinking kegs full of Jamaican rum.

The Kraken was amused by the sight of this priest chewing off his pentagram decorated fingernails and toe nails.

After drinking so many kegs of rum, the Kraken was totally oblivious to the fact that this particular priest had sold his soul to the forces of darkness many years ago.

In this state of alcohol induced oblivion, the Kraken struck up a conversation with the priest.

Father Caiaphas, who had been drinking bottles and bottles of Andres Baby Duck Sparkling Wine, had his guard down and told the Kraken his predicament.

The Kraken (unaware that Father Caiaphas was being serious and not joking) gave the sinister cleric an idea.

He suggested a perfect satanic antithesis of Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster should be a creature called Svengali the Diabolical Shrimp (shrimp as in the seafood creature you get with sweet and sour sauce in Chinese restaurants).

Alter a shrimp in a test tube and add demonic DNA from a demon, the Kraken suggested before passing out after drinking too many kegs of Jamaican rum.

The Kraken’s wife Medusa (the former Gorgon) walked through the door of the taverna and had to literally drag the Kraken back to the hotel room where they were staying in Rome.

Father Caiaphas bar Yochai thought the idea of Svengali the Diabolical Shrimp as a satanic antithesis of Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster was a splendid idea.

It was a good thing for the sinister Jesuit that he had run into the rum consuming Kraken Napoleon VI.

Otherwise being a typical modernist progressive Jesuit priest, he wouldn’t have had the imagination or sense of humour to come up with a concept such as Svengali the Diabolical Shrimp.

So Father Caiaphas went and bought a live shrimp from a Rome seafood market (the shop owner found it strange that someone would only buy one shrimp) and then went to his laboratory.

He summoned the demon Mephistopheles (to whom Faust had sold his soul) and extracted DNA from the aforementioned demon which he inserted into the shrimp.

After months of gestation in a test tube (while listening to the collected speeches of Donald Trump), the shrimp emerged.

As his first test, Father Caiphas asked Svengali the Diabolical Shrimp to cause power outages in both England and Wales which were Renfield and Morgana’s respective home countries.

Svengali’s mind had not yet developed to the point where the creature could use his telekinetic powers to disable the electrical power grid of England and Wales with his mind.

However like his name sake, Svengali could mesmerize and psychically manipulate.

It just so happened that there lived an evil kraken in the North Sea named Krakenus Maleficentus.

Svengali directed the North Sea kraken to head to the United Kingdom and got the creature to eat two power generators.

This “unexpected and unusual” event (in the words of British authorities) caused problems affecting vast swathes of England and Wales on Friday afternoon and into the evening.

London and most of southeast England were affected by the National Grid failure as were the Midlands, Southwest and Northeast of England and much of Wales.

Many trains and train stations went down (and people were stranded) including the famous King’s Cross station.

The situation was saved by a little 9-year-old girl named Amanda who was using spells from a Harry Potter book to try to bring 3 garden gnomes (who sat in the basket of a painted white bicycle lawn ornament on her house’s front lawn) to life.

The 3 gnomes who were named Wynkin, Blynkin and Nod stole Renfield’s sweet and sour shrimp (during the power outage in the Chinese restaurant he was sitting in at the time) and fed it to the North Sea kraken Krakenus Maleficentus when they saw him.

The North Sea kraken had a severe dietary allergy to shrimp and vomited up the two power generators it had eaten.

Eventually and slowly power was restored across England and Wales.

“And now you know the rest of the story,” Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster typed on his waterproof iPad with his lobster claws before falling asleep.

-A vampire novel chapter 
written by Christopher 
Friday August 9th
2019.

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Venus In Furs

August 3, 2019 at 8:44 pm (Humour, Mythology, Poetry) (, , )

Venus In Furs

It was a night 
With much in sight 
And Ares danced
In Paris France

Temperatures were hot 
So no fox trot
Cannot do the rumba
Because of sidewalk gumba

A tango would sizzle
So leave it for drizzle 
To dance in puddles
With Gene Kelly cuddles 

Those disco nights 
would burst one’s tights 
And definitely no wind
To fly one’s kites

It’s quite the heat wave 
no night for a rave
Temperatures soar
like furnace roar

Humidity heat
To Dante’s inferno beat
A night to sweat 
Don’t walk your pet

Sidewalk egg will fry
And the hen will sigh
Fahrenheit is really high 
The fan will soon die

From overwork
It’s quite the quirk
Ice from soda jerk
Beams up James Kirk

A night you won’t forget
Like a Hellbound jet
Sauna rooms to let
Still vacant yet

And so Ares does dance
In Paris France
Minus his pair of pants
Saying take a chance

Meanwhile in her room 
On a night of doom 
Aphrodite wears 
More than perfume

Greek goddess Aphrodite goes totally insane:

Venus in furs

-A poem written by Christopher
Saturday August 3rd
2019
Inspired by the recent heat wave 
hitting Europe

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Hades Emergency Meeting

July 29, 2019 at 10:52 pm (Aesthetics, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

Hades Emergency Meeting

“Ugly looking female teen stoat/ human hybrids grow up to be ugly looking adult female stoat/human hybrids,” Pan Goatee remarked as he beheaded the ugly looking female stoat/human hybrid as she was riding a bicycle down the street.

Meanwhile down in the Underworld, the Greek god Hades (who was known as Pluto to the ancient Romans) was holding an emergency meeting with his advisors on the huge number of repulsive looking spirits that were showing up daily from Calgary to cross the River Styx over to the Underworld.

Said a phlegmatic Phlegyas (who was extra phlegmatic this morning because he had eaten a full English breakfast as opposed to his usual continental breakfast), “We’re having to have orangutans wearing special darkened glass visors (whereby they see the shades of the dead as mere shades) hand out paper bags at the ferry docks for Charon’s boat to any Caucasian female soul arriving from Calgary on the high probability that they’re quite repulsively ugly. They are instructed to put the paper bags over their heads for the crossing across the river Styx. This is to prevent the occurrence of unstoppable vomiting on the part of both Charon the ferryman and Cerberus the 3-headed dog (all of whose 3 heads immediately start vomiting simultaneously) upon seeing the said hideous spirits.”

“Hopefully this will put an end to the problem,” said Hades.

“Until Pan Goatee manages to find the sinister Nazi criminal network responsible for breeding a certain type of brainless male with female walruses, stoats and gargoyles that’s producing these hideous looking hybrids by the thousands in that poor city,” Phlegyas coughed up more phlegm.

Meanwhile on the Caribbean Island of Little Saint James (owned by Jeffrey Epstein), the Caribbean Sea kraken Uhluhtc (666 meters tall) was strolling across the island accompanied by a Haitian voodoo high priest Samedi.

Uhluhtc stood on one spot and grunted.

Samedi waved to one of the island employees who no doubt lived on the nearby island of Saint Thomas.

Samedi spoke to the island employee, “The Great Kraken says that while he lived in the depths of the Caribbean, he had a vision of a great Temple that stood on this spot. The Temple was guarded by two small statues of owl wearing goddesses. He wonders what happened to this Temple.”

“It was torn down a while ago,” the employee answered.

Uhluhtc once again grunted.

“What did he say?” The employee inquired.

“He said merde,” Samedi answered.

Meanwhile in New York City, Peter Whitstable the man they called the Fox Mulder of Interpol was sitting in his hotel room where he was receiving information about much bizarre occurrences occurring across the world the past few days.

The Celtic stag god Cernunnos had been spotted on a Florida golf course this past weekend drinking a bottle of Dalmore Port Wood Reserve single malt whisky and slaying a bunch of country club Republicans on the golf course with his bow and arrow.

Meanwhile in Vienna, the infernal Underworld centaur Acheronus had been seen killing diplomats with his bow and arrow at various hotels across the city.

In Canada, reports of the ghost of Albert Johnson (the man they called The Mad Trapper of Rat River) had been seen at various locales in Canada.

Johnson (who had killed 3 people) had eluded the Royal Canadian Mounted Police for more than a month in a massive manhunt that stretched across the Northwest Territories and the Yukon Territory in northern Canada.

Johnson was killed on the Eagle River in Yukon on February 17th 1932.

Johnson’s ghost had been spotted in northern British Columbia, northern Saskatchewan and northern Manitoba.

After talking with a psychic friend of his, Whitstable was told that Johnson’s ghost was headed for the town of Lucan Biddulph in southwestern Ontario.

Whitstable was also told by the psychic that the Egyptian god Thoth was currently in the town.

“What the Hell,” Whitstable wondered, “is Thoth doing in Lucan, Ontario?”.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday July 29th
2019.

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Pan Goatee Saves Food Bank Patrons From Ravenous Elephants While Acheronus The Centaur Wreaks Havoc In Vienna

July 28, 2019 at 10:59 pm (Aesthetics, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , )

Pan Goatee Saves Food Bank Patrons From Ravenous Elephants While Acheronus The Centaur Wreaks Havoc In Vienna

The heroic genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee was walking by a food bank when he noticed a medium sized fat ugly blimp helping herself to a whole bunch of food while genuinely hungry looking patrons looked on in agony and anguish.

“So we have laissez-faire ultra- capitalism in America and apparently laissez-faire ultra-porkism in Calgary,” Goatee unsheathed his astral laser machete from his belt, “something should really be done about this.”
Goatee immediately beheaded the medium sized fat ugly blimp.

“No need for you to be fatter and uglier than you already are,” Goatee kicked the head away.

He was immediately applauded by the famished looking food bank patrons.

“God bless us, everyone,” said a famished but now happy looking Tiny Tom on crutches.

Goatee left the area of the food bank, went into a store to buy some items and then headed out down the street.

This time an even fatter fat ugly blimp was waddling down the street in the direction of the food bank.

“Who’s going to save us from the pestilence of ultra-porkism which seems to be striking this land?” Goatee shouted towards the heavens as he once again unsheathed his astral laser machete, “It appears it takes a satyr to do a mortal’s job.”

Goatee immediately beheaded this particular fat ugly blimp and once again saved the city’s most vulnerable from the ravages of famine and porcine greed.

The ghost of the German Count Ferdinand Graf von Zeppelin appeared to Goatee and thanked the satyr serial killer for ridding the world of these repulsive and hideous looking creatures who were giving blimps a bad name.

Ditto! from the President of Goodyear Tires.

. . .

The evil Centaur archer Acheronus had been named after Acheron the river of woe that flowed through the Greek underworld of Hades.

Acheronus was the antithesis of Chiron the good centaur archer.

Acheronus often slew people on behalf of the ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith as well as Allatallahbel the Vampiress Priestess of Baal who had recently seized control of the Vatican.

Today Acheronus was working for Ares the Greek god of war.

A meeting was being held today in Vienna Austria to see if the talks on Iran’s nuclear program couldn’t be kick started.

Ares of course held Roy Cohn’s pretty boy Donald Trump in the palms of his hands.

After carefully washing his hands in the Atlantic Ocean and Mediterranean Sea before heading up to Austria, Ares made a Huawei phone call to Acheronus the evil centaur.

Being a Huawei, the phone call was naturally monitored by the Black Dragon who was the supernatural entity advisor to China’s paramount leader Xi Jinping.

Acheronus had brought the Greek mind reader Yuxen with him to Vienna to read the minds of important delegates at the Vienna meeting.

Those delegates who secretly favoured war Acheronus would spare from his poisonous bow and arrow.

Those delegates who secretly favoured peace Acheronus would slay with his poisonous bow and arrow.

Acheronus had brought the woman seer and clairvoyant Yuxen along to read the minds of the delegates at the Vienna meeting and see where they stood on the issues of war and peace.

One of the concierges at Vienna’s best hotel had put in a phone call to the hotel manager.

“A centaur is running around the hotel lobby and conference rooms slaying people with his bow and arrows,” said the concierge.

“I hate it when that happens,” the hotel manager buried his head in his hands.

Meanwhile on the banks of the Danube, a small orchestra was playing The Blue Danube Waltz by Johann Strauss.

Just for something to do, Acheronus slew the conductor with one of his poisoned arrows.

The conductor died on the spot despite the fact that a Vienna music critic was in the process of writing a rave review about his efforts.

The ghost of the late Soviet dictator Josef Stalin (who had managed to slip out of Tartarus and the underworld realm of Hades by throwing Cerberus three very juicy bones) then stood up on the platform and began to conduct the orchestra in a musical melody that he Stalin had written.

The name of the musical non-masterpiece was The Red Danube (red as in blood red).

-A vampire novel chapter 
written by Christopher
Sunday July 28th
2019.

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The Russian Spy Beluga Whale Defector, Dracul Van Helsing and Norse Goddess Freya

July 26, 2019 at 10:55 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, Mythology, News, Romance, Spy Tales, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

The Russian Spy Beluga Whale Defector, Dracul Van Helsing and Norse Goddess Freya

A beluga whale who was a spy for the Russians had recently defected to Norway a few months back.

The whale had been helped in his defection by the ghost of Orson Welles.

After the whale had successfully defected, Welles’ ghost eventually returned to England where he served as a spirit advisor to British MP Renfield R. Renfield (who had just been named to the British cabinet as Deputy Foreign Secretary In Charge of Geopolitical Intelligence Gathering).

The whale meanwhile had spent the past few months being debriefed by Norwegian Navy and Norwegian Intelligence officials.

The beluga had ate a great quantity of fish during this time although the whale said he “didn’t care much for lutefisk” much to the disappointment of Norway’s Minister of Culture.

The beluga told the Norwegians that much was happening under the sea these days.

Poseidon had had his trident stolen by the Syro-Phoenician mermaid goddess Atargatis.

The trident was given to Russian scientists who had developed a new submarine weapon with it.

The beluga (who had taken the name Melville) also said that the Norse deity of the ocean who was the sea jotunn Aegir and was also the major thrower of parties for the Norse gods and goddesses had recently started selling his ale (brewed in a huge cauldron provided by Thor and Tyr) to mortals.

Most mortals were incapable of handling the hangover that the ale gave them, the beluga stated, and when combined with certain other liquors could prove fatal to mortals.

One of the last things he had heard, Melville said (while posing for a photo with someone wearing a Herman Munster mask), was that The Ten Bells Pub in London used Aegir Ale and combined it with 9 liquors to make a shooter called The T-Rex.

If any mortal drank more than one T-Tex shooter, it would kill them.

The Norse goddess Freya, who had her own stenographer present at the beluga whale debriefing, informed Dracul Van Helsing of this.

“Renfield,” Dracul replied, “as in many other matters, is an exception to this rule.”

“Well,” Freya stood up from her dressing table and chair, “come and show me what rules you’re an exception to.”

Dracul did just that.

-A vampire novel chapter 
written by Christopher 
Friday July 26th
2019.

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Boris Johnson, Greek God Ares, Dracul Van Helsing and Norse Goddess Freya

July 24, 2019 at 10:59 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

Boris Johnson, Greek God Ares, Dracul Van Helsing and Norse Goddess Freya

It was the last Prime Minister’s Question Period in the British House of Commons for Theresa May in her role as Prime Minister of The United Kingdom prior to passing the Prime Ministerial baton to Boris Johnson.

The very last question to her was posed by Renfield R. Renfield the British Transhumanist MP for Tewkesbury In The Cotswolds.

Renfield stood up and asked Mrs. May, “What is the speed velocity of a swallow?”.

To which Mrs. May responded, “Are you talking about the African swallow or the European swallow?”.

To which Renfield replied, “I don’t know.”

Soon Renfield found himself being carried by an invisible force through the air.

Unlike the poor sap medieval hermit in Monty Python and The Holy Grail who asked “Questions three” by the bridge to King Arthur’s knights, Renfield was not sent into a deep chasm in the earth for not knowing the answer but found himself transported upwards to the House of Commons Press Gallery where he ended up in the lap of BBC News Anchorwoman Geeta Guru-Murthy.

. . .

Donald Trump was watching Mrs. May’s final Prime Minister’s Question Period on television in the Oval Office.

“Lexington,” Trump remarked to his British butler and valet, “is there really a difference in the speed velocity of swallows between Europeans and Africans and who has the greater speed velocity?”.

“Sir,” Lexington who knew Trump’s mind (or lack thereof!) inside and out answered, “I believe the swallows to which both Mr. Renfield and Mrs. May are referring are the variety of birds and not what you’re thinking about.”

“Oh,” Trump answered.

Bill and Hillary Clinton were carrying on a very similar conversation.

. . .

The Greek god Apollo was lying in a lounge chair in a garden not far from the Acropolis when Ares walked by looking a little downcast.

Apollo (who was Greek god of music) was listening to the songs of Nat King Cole on his iPhone headphones when Ares walked by.

Apollo took off his headphones.

“You look very depressed,” Apollo said looking somewhat concerned.

“It turns out Boris Johnson is naming Renfield R. Renfield to the British cabinet as Deputy Foreign Secretary In Charge of Geopolitical Intelligence Gathering after all,” Ares wept crocodile tears (as he had put crocodile DNA rather than eye tear droplets in his eyes this morning), “this may ruin the best laid plans of Morrigan the Celtic goddess of war, Thor the Norse god of thunder and myself for planning a global war.”

Apollo put his iPhone headphones back on and went back to listening to Nat King Cole as Ares continued to weep crocodile tears.

. . .

The Norse goddess Freya was in her country estate in Norway listening to the radio when she heard the news that Renfield had been appointed to the British cabinet as Deputy Foreign Secretary In Charge of Geopolitical Intelligence Gathering and his parliamentary colleague the Welsh vampiress Morgana had been named Deputy Foreign Secretary In Charge of Midnight Security.

At that moment, the Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing showed up at the door with a bottle of wine.

“Mr. Van Helsing,” Freya said to him, “how would you like to step into my art studio and I’ll show you my etchings?”.


Norse Goddess Freya: Offers to show her etchings to Dracul Van Helsing

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday July 24th
2019,

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Boris Johnson, The Black Dragon and Thessalonike of Macedon

July 23, 2019 at 10:58 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, Politics, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

Boris Johnson, The Black Dragon and Thessalonike of Macedon

Today Boris Johnson was elected leader of the British Conservative Party.

In a ballot of Conservative Party members, he defeated his rival British Foreign Secretary Jeremy Hunt.

Boris Johnson received 92,153 votes to his rival’s 46, 656.

Boris Johnson was Mayor of London from 2008 to 2016.

He once won a magazine limerick contest for writing the best limerick making fun of Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan.

He’d have probably lost the limerick contest to MP Renfield R. Renfield but Renfield had submitted his limerick a couple of hours after the deadline because he spent the night drinking T-Rex shooters in a bar (the t-Rex shooter contains a lethal and deadly combination of different liquors. Renfield is the only known mortal in history to have drunk more than one T-Rex shooter and lived. Every other person was now as dead as the variety of dinosaur it was named after) so the limerick was disqualified with much regret by the contest judges.

Mr. Johnson will also now become Britain’s first Roman Catholic Prime Minister.

Although Mr. Johnson is not a practicing Catholic.

Only a baptized Catholic.

Shacking up with a woman he was not married to wouldn’t be in accord with current Catholic teaching.

Although that might change (along with several other things) if the German Conference of Catholic Bishops have their way at the upcoming papal Synod On The Amazon this October.

Tomorrow the current UK Prime Minister Theresa May will take part in her last Prime Minister’s Question Period in the House of Commons.

After lunch, she will make a short farewell speech outside 10 Downing Street.

She will then travel to see Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II at Buckingham Palace to tender her resignation as Prime Minister of the United Kingdom.

Boris Johnson will then arrive at Buckingham Palace for an audience with the Queen where he will be invited to form a government.

Afterwards he will then be driven to 10 Downing Street where he will make a brief speech before entering the building for the first time as Prime Minister.

After Boris Johnson delivered his victory speech to Conservative Party supporters tonight, he left the Queen Elizabeth II Centre in London with 3 things on his mind.

Would he be able to get the British oil tanker Stena Impero released without going to war against Iran?

Would he be able to negotiate a Brexit deal with the European Union before the October 31st Halloween deadline or will it turn out to be a no deal Brexit?

Should he name British Transhumanist MP Renfield R. Renfield to the cabinet as Deputy Foreign Secretary In Charge of Geopolitical Intelligence Gathering?

. . .

Peter Whitstable the man they call the Fox Mulder of Interpol was reviewing information that was sent to him by an Interpol operative in Hong Kong.

The first set of videos and photos that Whitstable viewed showed a man 7 foot 6 whose name was Wang (and who could best be described as a tall thin unsmiling version of the short chubby jovial Chinese Smiling Buddha whose statue is often seen in Chinese restaurants around the world) addressing a group of pro-democracy protestors in Hong Kong a couple of weeks ago and telling them to become more violent and to attack a police station during their protests.

The next set of photos and videos that Whitstable viewed showed a group of white shirt wearing Triad members being addressed by a sinister looking Black Dragon this past weekend and being told to attack pro-democracy protestors with batons and clubs in the Hong Kong subway station this past weekend.

Wondering who this sinister looking Black Dragon was, he sent copies of the photos and videos of the mysterious Black Dragon to a professor of East Asian Folklore and Occultism at Oxford University.

The professor responded that the Black Dragon was a supernatural entity known to appear at various times in Chinese history when the governing leader or ruler of China was a diabolically evil person.
The professor noted that the Black Dragon was able to shapeshift into human form.

The professor text messaged Whitstable a sketch of the Black Dragon in shapeshifted human form.

The sketch of the Black Dragon in human form perfectly resembled Wang in appearance.

. . .

Boris Johnson was receiving a special intelligence briefing from Theresa May over tea and sandwiches at 10 Downing Street on this night which was Mrs. May’s last evening as Prime Minister.

Mrs. May was giving Boris a briefing on the latest facts regarding the destruction of the British destroyer the H.M.S. Balderdash that sank in the Mediterranean Sea not far from Alexandria Egypt (while it was en route to the Persian Gulf via the Suez Canal) this past Saturday July 20th.

Trump was trying to convince the British government that it was the Iranians who were responsible for the sinking of Balderdash.

However it had recently come to light that an Irish drone had been flying in the vicinity of the Mediterranean Sea near Alexandria at the time.

The drone was operated by an Irish drone operator who had been drinking way too much Guinness while on duty.

As a result the drone had found its way from Ireland’s Galway Bay (where it was supposed to be watching the sun go down) to the said part of the Mediterranean Sea off Egypt.

The drone happened to have a camera on board taking photos with a Huawei P30 Pro operated by a robotic leprechaun that was created bearing the likeness of the notorious boozing Irish leprechaun Yaldabaoth.

The photos clearly showed a mermaid turning into a giantess near the ship H.M.S. Balderdash and destroying the destroyer.

Copies of the photos had been sent to a noted mermaidologist who lived in Calgary, Alberta, Canada in hopes of finding out the mermaid’s identity.

The mermaidologist had identified the mermaid turned giantess as Thessalonike of Macedon the immortal half-sister of Alexander the Great.

-A vampire novel chapter 
written by Christopher 
Tuesday July 23rd
2019.

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July 20th 2019: A Very Historic Anniversary

July 20, 2019 at 10:53 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, Humour, Mythology, News, Romance, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

July 20th 2019: A Very Historic Anniversary 

July 20th is a significant date in world history.

It was on this date in 356 BC that Alexander the Great was born.

It was 75 years ago today (on July 20th 1944) that the German colonel Count Claus von Stauffenburg tried to assassinate Adolf Hitler in the plot known as Operation Valkyrie.

And it was 50 years ago today (on July 20th 1969) that Neil Armstrong spoke these words from the moon after the Apollo 11 Eagle had landed, “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.”

On this day July 20th 2019, Alexander the Great’s half-sister Thessalonike of Macedon (who had turned into a mermaid after hearing of her brother’s death) was swimming in the Mediterranean Sea not far from the Egyptian city of Alexandria when an ancient shield happened to float by.

“It’s my brother’s shield!” She cried.

Just then the British destroyer The H.M.S. Balderdash happened to go by en route to the Suez Canal to the Indian Ocean and through the Strait of Hormuz to the Persian Gulf where it would attempt a rescue of the British oil tanker Stena Impero recently seized by Iran.

Thessalonike then posed the same question to the sailors aboard the H.M.S. Balderdash that she posed to the sailors aboard every ship that she had encountered throughout the centuries.

“Is Alexander the King alive?” She asked.

“Which Alexander the King would that be?” Asked Lt. Chamberlain Neville of the H.M.S. Balderdash.

“Alexander the Great, you idiot!” Thessalonike spat seaweed at him.

The correct answer as far as Thessalonike the mermaid was concerned was “He lives and reigns and conquers the world.”

The captain of the ship H.M.S. Balderdash who was none other than Gladstone Disraeli answered, “No, Alexander the Great died centuries ago in the year 323 BC.”

“Wrong answer!” Thessalonike foamed at the mouth spraying sea foam in every direction.

She then turned into a raging Gorgon tearing apart the ship and sending it and every sailor aboard to the bottom of the sea.

Trump would later blame the incident on the Iranians.

Meanwhile the Grey Wolf Formerly Known As Adolf (because it was a grey wolf possessed by the ghost of Adolf Hitler who had been let out of the Underworld a few years ago by Hades and Persephone at the request of the Norse-Germanic god Odin/Wotan) was walking the streets of Saint Petersburg Russia.

“I thought this place was supposed to be called Leningrad,” Adolf thought to himself as he looked at all the street signs.

“And to think I should have taken possession of this city but I failed!” Adolf snarled.

Meanwhile on the moon this day, the demon Asmodeus was walking around because he had never been to the moon and he figured since humans went to the moon, he might as well.

Of course Asmodeus had never learned to fly.

He had skipped the Demonic Learning To Fly Class back in Hell High School because he had been outside smoking cigarettes.

So the chain smoking demon asked the two high flying owls (who were companions to the ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith) to grab hold of each one of his arms and fly him to the moon.

Now he was walking around the moon’s surface.

Unbeknownst to Asmodeus, the Norse trickster god Loki had been walking around the moon earlier that day (having been flown to the moon through the help of Valkyries).

Loki had eaten a banana while on the moon and had thrown the peel behind him.

As Asmodeus walked along smoking and coughing and singing that old Frank Sinatra song Fly Me To The Moon, he wasn’t watching where he was going.

The chain smoking demon slipped on the banana.

After hitting backside down on the lunar surface, Asmodeus remarked, “That’s one small slip for a banana, one giant pain in the ass for demonkind.”

The Chinese moon goddess Chang’e and the Moon Rabbit remind you:
Only you can prevent lunar fires.
Always douse your campfire and be careful with your cigarette butts.

-A vampire novel chapter 
written by Christopher
Saturday July 20th
2019.

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Hera At The French Presidential Palace

July 12, 2019 at 10:40 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, Romance, Spy Tales, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Hera At The French Presidential Palace 

The Greek goddess Hera went and sat in a corner of the grand ballroom in the French Presidential Palace where her image was caught by a photographer who loved the beauty of old time black and white photography.

Hera was hoping to get away from French President Emmanuel Macron who seemed to be getting somewhat amorous with her.

He kept asking questions about her age and saying things like, “Surely as a Greek Olympian goddess, you’re far older than I am.”

She went to this corner of the grand ballroom far away from Macron’s lecherous looks.

The French President was currently unveiling an oil painting sent to him as a farewell present from British Prime Minister Theresa May who would be formally stepping down as Prime Minister of the United Kingdom in another couple of weeks.

The painting had been purchased at and delivered by the world famous Dashwood Forrest Art Gallery in London.

Macron got quite excited when he saw the name of the painting on the box in which it came- Portrait of A Cougar.

The whole ballroom could see the immense disappointment on the French President’s face when the painting was unveiled and it turned out to be a portrait of a puma mountain lion wildcat in the Canadian Rockies.

Hera had to laugh.

The Olympian goddess was soon approached by Set Enterprises’ spy and secret agent the 6 foot 8 Welsh pooka invisible bunny rabbit Harvey Tallbanger.

Being a goddess, she could see the invisible bunny rabbit (whereas most mortals couldn’t unless they had been drinking Harvey Wallbanger cocktails or if Harvey had turned his 1960s ViewMaster on).

“The goddess Isis informs me that you’re looking for Dracul Van Helsing,” Tallbanger bowed to the Olympic beauty.

Indeed Hera was.

She had just recently found out that her husband Zeus had flown several trips on Jeremy Epstein’s Lolita Express plane.

The goddess was so angered that she decided to turn to Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing for comfort.

Tallbanger told the goddess that Dracul Van Helsing was waiting for her in a large private booth in a quiet cafe along the Champs-Élysées.

Hera thanked the tall bunny rabbit secret agent, stood up and exited the French Presidential Palace.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher 
Friday July 12th 
2019.

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