Q’ orianka Kilcher Is Renfield’s Favourite Environmentalist
Q’ orianka Kilcher Is Renfield’s Favourite Environmentalist
British MP Renfield R. Renfield was back in the cozy comfort of his Tewkesbury Bed and Breakfast after an extensive night of door-to-door campaigning the evening before tomorrow’s UK General Election.
“So, how did it go?” His friend Amadeus asked as he ate a strawberry jam covered crumpet.
“It went fine until the very last house,” Renfield answered, “when I dropped all my cue cards. The voter finally closed the door on me by the time I got all my cue cards together in the right order again.”
Taking a cue from British Prime Minister Boris Johnson and his British Conservative Party TV ad parodying that famous scene from the 2003 Richard Curtis directed film Love Actually (that starred Hugh Grant) where some shy love struck man finally professes his love to his now married (to his best friend) woman of his dreams by appearing at her door on Christmas Eve and using cue cards to express his love, Renfield decided to use the same technique on his last night of campaigning.
He certainly earned a great deal of money this evening as most people gave him a quid and told him to “bugger off”.
Renfield gave Amadeus his opinion of a recent test flight of a sea plane that happened this week in the Canadian province of British Columbia.
An old late 1950s De Havilland sea plane was fitted with an electric motor and ran its entire flight using electricity.
Harbour Air the Vancouver based company that successfully conducted the 1st all electric sea plane flight was hoping to make its entire fleet of sea planes run on electricity rather than fossil fuels by 2022.
“It’s innovation like this that is going to reduce fossil fuel use and carbon emissions and help the climate and environment, ” Renfield explained, “not the totalitarian Marxist style one world government by 2030 in the name of sustainable development that’s being promoted by the United Nations, George Soros, Jeffrey Sachs, U2 bonehead Bono and Pope Francis in the name of alleviating climate change. Of course apocalyptic soothsayers of doom like Greta Thunberg are causing more people to embrace the UN 2030 Sustainable Development Goals Agenda that if imposed would bring all of humanity under a draconian and despotic future. Orwell’s 1984 will then be complete in 2030.”
“Did you know that Greta Thunberg was named TIME Magazine’s Person of The Year today?” Amadeus asked.
“Shit,” said Renfield.
The MP sipped his hot tea.
“Still I shouldn’t be surprised,” Renfield acknowledged, “an age of hysteria like the age we’re living in is going to impose its accolades on hysterical people.”
“I suppose that’s true,” Amadeus nodded.
“You know,” Renfield gazed into the fire place, “For the past 10 years, the woman who’s probably Hollywood’s most talented actress and yet also one of its least known has been promoting the message of climate change and getting off fossil fuels. She’s been constantly doing this since 2009 when she was acclaimed for her role playing the Hawaiian Crown Princess Ka’iulani in the 2009 film Princess Ka’iulani. Her first breakthrough performance came back in 2005 when she played Pocahontas alongside Colin Farrell’s Captain John Smith in the 2005 film The New World. The first car she ever bought was an electric car long long before Elon Musk ever developed and marketed his Teslas. She makes her own dresses and gowns all made out of recycled materials. And has her own small fashion line doing the same thing.
She goes down to Peru (her father’s ancestral homeland) continuously to help the indigenous peoples living down there. She led a demonstration against Peru’s then President Alan Garcia after his government had massacred indigenous peoples in the Amazon region for daring to stand up to multinational companies in Peru wanting to exploit the region for its resources. And she led that demonstration in Peru. She was the first public figure to expose that massacre to the entire world. She was also arrested twice in the U.S. for demonstrating against Garcia and the U.S. oil companies he was in bed with. Once chaining herself to the White House fence on an occasion in 2011 when Barack Obama met with the genocidal Garcia. She has constantly spoken out on climate change and issues affecting the world’s indigenous peoples. And always does it in a calm, gentle and rational manner. She has an inner strength about her that’s stronger than any outburst of anger or grumpiness. Her gentleness backed by that inner strength cannot really be fought or argued against. So much more effective than someone who comes across as a teenaged poster child for someone desperately in need of taking anger management classes. And Q’orianka has been doing this for 10 years now. How long has this Greta Thunberg been talking about climate change? Just over a year. So why have most people heard of Greta and not Q’orianka? Probably because Q’orianka is an indigenous woman descended from the Quechua peoples of Peru who helped build the Inca Empire and were master mathematicians, architects and astronomers. While Greta on the other hand is white and came from Sweden the first country to give the world pornography and gender re-assignment surgery. We know for all this talk of diversity in the year 2019 where the real power still lies.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday December 11th
2019.
Q’ orianka Kilcher at the 2nd Annual Legacy Charity Series Gala In Santa Monica California
Trump Blasts “Two-Faced” Trudeau
Trump Blasts “Two-Faced” Trudeau
British MP Renfield R. Renfield was sitting in a lounge in a London hotel and discussing the day’s NATO Summit events with his friends Mei-ling Manchu, Amadeus Emanon and Angelique Dumont.
“So I see Donald Trump, while he was in a press conference meeting with Angela Merkel this morning,” Amadeus bit into his nut spread and sauerkraut sandwich, “said that Justin Trudeau was “two-faced”. What do you think of that description of the Canadian Prime Minister?”.
“Well, I suppose, since Justin Trudeau occasionally wears blackface,” Renfield answered, “Being “two-faced” might be an accurate description.”
“Doesn’t he also wear brown face and a turban when he’s pretending to be Aladdin’s genie?” Angelique Dumont inquired.
“And a green face when he’s pretending to be a Martian to impress giggling teen-aged pot smoking desert cactus girls?” Mei-ling Manchu added.
“I think Trump was angry because Justin Trudeau made fun of him in what the Canadian Prime Minister thought was a private conversation between himself, Boris Johnson, Emmanuel Macron and the Dutch Prime Minister at last night’s NATO banquet reception hosted by Her Majesty the Queen at Buckingham Palace, wasn’t he?” Amadeus downed his Earl Grey tea.
“Could be,” Renfield nodded, “although Set Enterprises’ secret agent Harvey Tallbanger reports that a man wearing blackface and a turban was seen walking on the terrace outside Melania Trump’s bedroom last night. And Harvey said Melania this morning left her room smiling like the Mona Lisa.”
“Like a moth to a flame eh?” Mei-ling quipped in reference to the U.S. First Lady’s fashion faux-pas at the Buckingham Palace reception last night.
“Speaking of flames, is the pot smoking desert cactus plant Strawberry Fields Forever going to be returned to Justin Trudeau?” Amadeus asked.
“Apparently not,” Renfield shook his head, “Set Enterprises is still worried about the threat posed to Strawberry Fields Forever’s life by Xi Jinping’s death edict written in medieval Imperial Mandaran – a scroll that Sydney Australia based billionaire Mr. Inn Lu was able to translate. And security on the Trudeau estate in Ottawa is pretty lax seeing as how it’s overseen by Sheriff Stonedwall Jackman the pot-smoking sheriff of the mystical hippy commune village of Calypso’s Bosom. Therefore Set Enterprises is moving Strawberry Fields Forever to the safety of a jazz cafe on the island of Spitsbergen. They don’t think that PRC Ministry of State Security operatives will want to freeze their asses off on an assassination mission in Spitsbergen.”
“From what I know of PRC Ministry of State Security operatives, that assessment is probably correct,” Mei-ling Manchu nodded.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday December 4th
2019.
NATO Summit London
NATO Summit London
Donald Trump and French President Emmanuel Macron met and wrestled with one another.
Macron asked, “What’s the purpose of NATO? There is no purpose to NATO. The Cold War has been over for almost 30 years.”
Trump responded, “We have new enemies. China is the new enemy.”
The Donald mentioned this even as he was placing an order for Chinese food on his Huawei smart phone.
Then at 10 Downing Street, Boris Johnson hosted a dinner meeting with Emmanuel Macron, Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan and German Chancellor Angela Merkel.
Macron and Erdogan then got into a wrestling match over NATO.
“NATO is brain dead,” said Macron.
“On the contrary, you’re brain dead,” Erdogan responded, “for not knowing what a terrorist is.”
“What is a terrorist?” Angela Merkel asked as she applied pancake makeup and a maple syrup facial cream mask to her face.
“Anybody of Kurdish ancestry,” Erdogan answered as he held the French leader in a choke hold.
“Who am I going to wrestle with?” Angela Merkel asked Boris Johnson as Erdogan and Macron continued to wrestle with one another on the kitchen table knocking over plates and dishes.
Boris Johnson said he was going to step outside for a moment in an effort to avoid wrestling with Angela Merkel.
As Johnson stepped outside 10 Downing Street, a reporter asked him, “Mr. Johnson, how many children do you have?” which was a question the British Prime Minister was recently asked in a BBC TV interview.
“I don’t know how many children I have,” Johnson answered angrily which was the same response he gave the BBC interviewer.
“Now there’s a frightening thought,” the vampiress Mei-ling Manchu remarked to British MP Renfield R. Renfield as they were sitting in a 2nd floor office at 10 Downing Street, “Boris Johnson has done it so many times with different women, he doesn’t know how many children he’s had.”
“That is a frightening thought,” Renfield admitted as his hair started to stand on end.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday December 3rd
2019.
215 Years Since Napoleon Bonaparte’s Coronation In Notre Dame Cathedral
215 Years Since Napoleon Bonaparte’s Coronation In Notre Dame Cathedral
It was 215 years ago today that Napoleon Bonaparte had himself crowned as Emperor of the French in Notre Dame Cathedral.
Pope Pius VII had held the crown at the coronation ceremony in Notre Dame but Napoleon grabbed the crown from the pontiff and crowned himself Emperor of The French.
The Kraken Napoleon VI (who was a huge admirer of the original Emperor Napoleon I) decided to mark the occasion by having himself crowned Emperor of the French again.
He had himself crowned Emperor of the French by the Monsignor of Notre Dame Cathedral back on December 2nd 2015.
But no one in the French government or any voters among the French electorate recognized the Imperial Coronation much to the Kraken’s disappointment.
Of course on this particular occasion Notre Dame Cathedral was now closed to the public since the April fire in the cathedral earlier this year.
And the Monsignor of Notre Dame Cathedral attended classes on the Quran every Monday night so he was unable to attend for the Kraken’s re-coronation service this evening.
So the Kraken decided to hold his re-coronation ceremony (marking the original Napoleon’s 215th year of coronation) in front of Paris’ famous Arc de Triomphe.
He wore neo-Napoleonic French Imperial robes designed by the House of Chanel to easily accommodate his 8 arms.
He hired a stork (who had tired of the baby delivering business) to fly down and deposit the Crown of Napoleon I on his head after fireworks had gone off and the Orchestre de Paris had finished played a stirring rendition of La Marseillaise as well as the theme music from the 1983 James Bond film Octopussy.
The ceremony went off without a hitch.
Donald Trump, who was currently in London for tomorrow’s 70th Anniversary meeting of NATO, watched the coronation ceremony on British television.
Trump thought to himself, “I really should have myself crowned Emperor of America.”
. . .
Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau was likewise in London for the 70th Anniversary meeting of NATO.
He had recently heard the good news from CSIS (Canadian Security Intelligence Service) that a pair of time travellers had gone back in time and rescued his pet pot smoking desert cactus plant Strawberry Fields Forever from being murdered by PRC Ministry of State Security operatives on Xi Jinping’s orders.
Justin Trudeau had heard that Strawberry Fields Forever was currently being kept on the colossal London estate of the Egyptian billionaire Set who owned the multi-billion dollar research and development firm Set Enterprises.
Trudeau directed the Canadian Embassy car to be driven to the Set mansion so he could re-unite with his old friend Strawberry Fields Forever.
However Justin did not announce his visit and the Embassy car was set upon by the Set Estate’s guard and watch cat Nefertiti Galore who tore the Rolls-Royce limousine apart with her claws.
She then set out after the Canadian Prime Minister and the Embassy chauffeur.
The Embassy chauffeur managed to escape.
Justin wasn’t so lucky.
He had his clothes ripped off by Nefertiti Galore’s claws.
He was then arrested by Scotland Yard police for exposing himself on the streets of London.
. . .
British MP Renfield R. Renfield and his friend the vampiress Mei-ling Manchu were in London and were walking back from a service commemorating the victims of last Friday’s London Bridge attack.
Renfield happened to walk in the way of Donald Trump who happened to be exiting his limousine.
Trump who thought Renfield could be as easily pushed around as the Prime Minister of Montenegro a couple of years back pushed Renfield out of the way.
Big mistake on Trump’s part.
Renfield turned around and punched Trump in the head sending his golden urine coloured toupee flying 50 feet down the street.
Secret Service agents tackled Renfield to the ground thinking he was an assassin.
Big mistake on the Secret Service agents’ part.
Mei-ling Manchu moved quickly into action and used her martial arts skills to kick and send all of the Secret Service agents flying over the dome of Saint Paul’s Cathedral.
A dirigible flying above the dome carried John Donne’s message, “Ask not for whom the bell tolls. It tolls for thee.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday December 2nd
2019.
Dwight Ball Gets A Cream Pie In The Face While Renfield Discusses Pope Francis’ Agony
Dwight Ball Gets A Cream Pie In The Face While Renfield Discusses Pope Francis’ Agony
Set Enterprises’ secret agent Harvey Tallbanger an invisible 6 foot 8 tall Welsh pooka bunny rabbit who was also a good friend of noted Albertan and Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing had been visiting Canada quite a bit recently.
He had thrown a cream pie in Prime Minister Justin Trudeau’s face on Election Night when Justin had rudely interrupted Opposition Conservative Party leader Andrew Scheer’s televised concession speech by starting his own victory speech 38 seconds into Scheer’s concession speech.
Sometime later Harvey Tallbanger had thrown a cream pie into the face of Bloc Québécois asshole and separatist leader Yves-Francois Blanchet who said that western Canadian alienation was of no concern to him and the people of Alberta and Saskatchewan could go drown in their oil.
Later Tallbanger had thrown cream pies into the faces of Green Party Parliamentary leader Elizabeth May and former Progressive Conservative Prime Minister Kim Campbell for making air headed statements in television interviews.
He had also thrown a cream pie into the face of Vancouver Mayor Kennedy Stewart who said that there was no such thing as Western Canadian alienation – only Canadian Prairie province alienation (which was probably true) because pot smoking lower mainland British Columbians shared so much in common with the pot smoking Federal Liberal Party in Ottawa (also true).
Kennedy Stewart got a cream pie in his face from Harvey for sharing the same opinion of Albertans as the Bloc Québécois asshole leader.
Not to be outdone by the same coterie of airheads and assholes as those previously mentioned, Newfoundland and Labrador Liberal Premier Dwight Ball met with Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau and said that overcoming Canadian prairie province alienation shouldn’t be regarded as being a high priority on the Canadian national agenda.
After the meeting, Mr. Ball got a cream pie in his face from Harvey Tallbanger.
He also received a raspberry from Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster of Great Britain who did not think much of Newfoundland and Labrador’s lobster industry.
. . .
Donald Trump was sitting at his Oval Office desk when he was informed by one of his aides that the man he was planning to name as his National Security Council head next week (after firing the current NSC head in a Twitter tweet next week) – Mr. Eichmann Himmler the ICE agent extraordinaire (that was Trump’s description) had been eaten by crocodiles in a hotel swimming pool in Sydney, Australia.
“Bugger!” Trump threw aside a fountain pen that had once been given him by the recently laicized former Cardinal Theodore McCarrick.
“A group of U.S. Navy SEALS have entered the pool to try and recover what’s left of him,” the aide informed Trump and then left.
Trump picked up the phone and dialled a number, “Hello, Ivanka? You know how to use an encyclopedia for research don’t you? That’s great. Because I don’t. Listen, I want you to go to the encyclopedia and dig up whatever dirt you can find on crocodiles because I want to write a nasty tweet about them.”
. . .
Amadeus Emanon visited his friend British MP Renfield R. Renfield who was campaigning for re-election in the constituency of Tewkesbury In The Cotswolds.
“Did you see that video of Pope Francis listening to the Bishop of Nagano Japan playing the guitar at a late 1960s and early 1970s style hippy hootenanny Mass that was held in the Jesuit Pope’s honour on his recent visit to Japan?” Renfield asked Amadeus.
“No, I didn’t,” Amadeus answered.
“You should have seen the intense expression of agony on Francis’ face when that guitar was being played,” Renfield laughed, “I imagine it will be 2nd only to the intense expression of agony he’ll have on his face when he finds out his destination on Judgement Day.”
“I wonder who taught the Bishop of Nagano Japan how to play guitar?” Amadeus mused aloud.
“It was apparently William Shatner,” Renfield replied.
“I didn’t know William Shatner knows how to play guitar,” Amadeus was shocked.
“Yes, he apparently learned how to play guitar by playing Bob Dylan songs backwards to try to detect evidence of Klingon backwards masking,” Renfield explained.
As the words of William Shatner reciting Bob Dylan’s Mr. Tambourine Man filtered through the neighbourhood, dogs howled, cats screeched and the scream of the turtle was heard throughout the land.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday November 26th
2019.
Inn Lu: International Man of Mystery
Inn Lu: International Man of Mystery
Recently a man claiming to be a intelligence agent for Communist China’s Ministry of State Security had gone to Australia and defected to ASIO (the Australian Security Intelligence Organization).
The man was given the code name Wang Ho (and claimed to have an explosive treasure trove of intelligence information including how Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau’s pet pot smoking cactus plant Strawberry Fields Forever was brutally murdered by Chinese State Security operatives in a re-education camp for transgendered Uighurs in the Xinjiang region of western China.
And how a portion of Strawberry Fields Forever’s body was given to paramount leader Xi Jinping’s personal gardener for examination, experimentation and analysis).
Wang Ho was kept for safe keeping in a safe house owned and operated by Mr. Inn Lu one of Sydney’s most mysterious and elusive businessmen.
The reason Wang Ho was given to Mr. Inn Lu was because many ASIO operatives were said to have a serious drinking problem and couldn’t be trusted to keep Wang Ho alive and safe while they were in the process of sleeping off their hangovers.
Not much was known about Inn Lu who was described by the Sydney Morning Herald as “mysterious and inscrutable” in 1931 (for their centennial edition).
If ASIO operatives (and most people in the Australian government) had been sober, they might have asked themselves why Inn Lu had never aged a day from the way he looked in that Sydney Morning Herald photograph from almost 90 years ago.
All that was known about Inn Lu was that he was a staunch anti-Communist and therefore could be trusted to keep the PRC Ministry of State Security defector alive.
Trouble was brewing for both Inn Lu and Wang Ho however in that Donald Trump had sent to Australia a U.S. ICE (Immigration and Customs Enforcement) agent named Eichmann Himmler who was to give ASIO operatives advice on how to deal with illegal immigrants.
Eichmann Himmler was the ICE agent responsible for setting up detention facilities for immigrants along the U.S.-Mexico border.
Locking fathers behind bars at one facility.
Locking mothers behind bars at another facility.
And locking children and babies behind bars at yet another facility.
Eichmann Himmler did not get off to a good start with ASIO operatives as he walked in on them halfway through their lunch hour (when almost all of them were currently working on their 30th bottle of beer).
The first thing Eichmann Himmler did was go after koala bears saying “These creatures are so damned cute, they’re obviously up to something.”
Every koala bear that Eichmann Himmler asked for their identification papers did not have them.
Thus father koalas were thrown into one facility.
Mother koalas were thrown into another facility.
And baby koalas were thrown into yet another.
“After all,” Eichmann Himmler lectured the snoozing in an alcoholic haze ASIO operatives, “how do we know these koala bears are resident Australians? How do we know they didn’t come from somewhere else?”.
Eichmann Himmler did the same with Eucalyptus trees (he became suspicious of the plant when they seemed to be the main diet of the koala bears).
He locked up Eucalyptus trees all over the nation of Australia bringing in botanists from all over the U.S. to determine the tree’s gender and age and then lock them up in the appropriate facility.
“After all,” Eichmann Himmler lectured the still snoozing in an alcoholic haze ASIO operatives, “how do we know these Eucalyptus trees are resident Australians? How do we know they didn’t come from somewhere else?”.
This was the sort of brilliant and profound mind that ICE agent Eichmann Himmler had.
The bet was on in Washington DC that the next time Trump fired a National Security Council head in one of his Twitter tweets, that it would probably be Eichmann Himmler who would be the next NSC head.
Now Eichmann Himmler took it upon himself to investigate the mysterious Mr. Inn Lu whom ASIO had handed PRC defector Wang Ho to for safekeeping.
“After all,” Eichmann Himmler told the room now empty of ASIO operatives since Happy Hour had now begun in all the Australian bars and lounges, “how do we know Mr. Inn Lu isn’t an illegal immigrant? After all, he’s Asian isn’t he? And we all know the United Kingdom that founded this great country is closer to Australia than Asia is.”
As Donald Trump in Washington DC fired off a tweet praising the intelligence and profound geographic knowledge of one ICE agent Eichmann Himmler, Himmler, after receiving a fax from DARPA, set off to confront Inn Lu.
In the Shangri-La Gardens Hotel (owned by Inn Lu) in downtown Sydney, Eichmann Himmler confronted the mysterious and reclusive businessman.
“I know who you are, Inn Lu,” Himmler said.
“Do you now?” Inn Lu’s eyes twinkled behind his spectacles.
“Yes, DARPA turned to Britain’s Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster for information about your background,” Eichmann Himmler wagged his finger at him, “you were apparently an important scientist, inventor and court official in the palace court of one of the Ming Emperors. While you were doing mathematical calculations about how to change the time-space continuum, the Large Hadron Collider in Switzerland was doing the exact same calculations in our own time. This created a time warp. You were sent to Australia in the year 1900 from the palace court in Ming Dynasty Beijing you were at. You also discovered a potion of immortality that you brought with you from that Ming Dynasty court. You have lived in Australia for over 119 years now but you never bothered to get citizenship. You have also been involved in espionage to get today’s descendants of the Ming Emperors to power in China. Hence the reason for your strong anti-Communism. I’m here to see you deported and sent back to China where you belong.”
“You’ve caught me, Comrade Eichmann,” Inn Lu smiled, “but you look rather hot. Why don’t you take a refreshing dip in our hotel pool? Plenty of time to deport me later.”
“Don’t mind if I do,” Eichmann Himmler took off his clothes and jumped in.
One of the hotel maintenance staff said to Mr. Inn Lu, “Mr. Lu, isn’t this the hour that the Sydney Crocodile Club rents the pool to give their crocodiles a home away from home?”.
“It is,” Mr. Inn Lu smiled, “I regret I forgot to tell Comrade Eichmann Himmler.”
“I want to see your identity papers,” Eichmann Himmler screamed at one of the crocodiles just before it bit his head off.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday November 25th
2019.
Renfield’s TV Commercial For Enterprise Rent-A-Car
Renfield’s TV Commercial For Enterprise Rent-A-Car
Tonight’s candidates’ debate in the Tewkesbury In The Cotswolds constituency wasn’t really a formal debate.
It was more of a get to know the candidates’ night in which each candidate talked about their hobbies or their interests outside politics.
When it was Renfield’s turn to speak, he said his hobby was writing TV commercials.
Said Renfield, “I just wrote a commercial for a North American car rental company Enterprise Rent-A-Car which was filmed today and company executives are currently debating whether to air it on television.”
Amadeus Emanon (who was sitting in the audience) groaned.
He had had previous experience watching some of Renfield’s TV commercials.
“And now I would ask the hall technician to play the video,” Renfield grinned, “You’ll get a sneak peak of that TV commercial which will hopefully be shown in North America soon.”
The video played and it showed actor William Shatner as Captain James T. Kirk wearing the exact same Starfleet uniform that he probably wore in the original 1960s TV series Star Trek.
Clothes he had very much since outgrown.
“Hi,” said a smiling William Shatner, “I’m Captain James T. Kirk of the Starship Enterprise speaking to you on behalf of Enterprise Rent-A-Car. I’m filling in for my friend Patrick Warburton the usual Enterprise spokesman who’s come down with acute laryngitis ever since he won first place in a Greta Thunberg voice impersonation contest a few nights ago…”
Amadeus sank lower in his chair.
Captain Kirk walked among the cars at the Enterprise Rent-A-Car lot, “Whenever I visit Earth, I use Enterprise Rent-A-Car to get around.
I’ve been Captain of the Starship Enterprise for over 60 years now and I’ve been using Enterprise Rent-A-Car for almost as long. People keep telling me that I should have retired years ago and the way I no longer fit into this Starfleet uniform, perhaps they’re right. I seem to have gone well beyond middle aged paunch in terms of my weight…”
The button on Captain Kirk’s black pants burst and he’s forced to use one of his hands to hold it up.
“Yesterday I rented a car from Enterprise Rent-A-Car to drive to Ottawa where I received the Order of Canada from Canada’s Governor-General at Rideau Hall in Ottawa. Then I rented another car from Enterprise this morning to drive to Washington DC to meet with Donald Trump and tell him that the planet Xenuthalu had concluded its investigation and found no evidence of wrongdoing by Joe Biden or his son Hunter. So Trump, although disappointed, gave the order to no longer hold up nuclear arms sales to the planet. The missiles are now well on their way…”
Kirk looks at his Starship Enterprise smart phone, “Oh-oh. I just got a text message from Mr. Spock saying that the planet Xenuthalu has just signed an alliance treaty with the Klingons.”
Kirk drops the smart phone and bends over to pick it up.
A loud ripping sound from the back of his pants can be heard.
Kirk speaking into his smart phone communicator, “Quick. Beam me up, Scotty.”
Kirk is quickly beamed up just as the Rev. Pat Robertson gets out of one of the Enterprise vehicles.
Says Rev. Robertson, “Oh my God. The Rapture has just occurred. Why am I still here?”.
Robertson in a panic screams, “Why am I still here? You forgot about me, Lord. You forgot about me. Your most important, noble and humble servant you’ve left behind. You’ve forgot about me, Lord. You’ve forgot about me.”
Robertson continues to scream, “You forgot about me, Lord. You forgot about me” as the ad announcer says, “Enterprise Rent-A-Car. Choose your vehicle. Choose your destination.”
The commercial was a hit with Tewkesbury voters.
Not so much with Enterprise corporate executives in America.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday November 22nd
2019.
Benjamin Netanyahu, Spitsbergen and The Tewkesbury Debate
Benjamin Netanyahu, Spitsbergen and The Tewkesbury Debate
The debate being hosted tonight among candidates for MP for the constituency of Tewkesbury In The Cotswolds in the upcoming December 12th UK General Election was on the subject of Foreign Policy.
Renfield R. Renfield the current British Transhumanist Party MP for the Constituency as well as the current UK Deputy Foreign Secretary In Charge of Geopolitical Intelligence Gathering was asked a question by the reporter for the local Lux Cream and Bagel Chronicle on the matter of Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu today being formally charged by Israel’s Attorney-General with fraud, breach of trust and bribery.
Said the corned beef on rye eating reporter for the Lux Cream and Bagel Chronicle, “Mr. Netanyahu has described the charges as a “political witch hunt” and has said that the “authorities weren’t after the truth, they were after me” and has called on the country to “investigate the investigators”. Mr. Renfield, what is your take on that?”.
“Well,” Renfield finished off his 2nd 40 oz. bottle of Scotch whisky for the debate, “If I was Donald Trump’s lawyer Rudy Giuliani, I’d be advising the Donald to sue Netanyahu for plagiarism and expropriation of one’s favourite turn of phrase x 3.”
The next question came from the reporter for the local Undrained Swamp Times and was addressed to British Conservative candidate (and former Tewkesbury In The Cotswolds MP) Agathor Christie, “Mr. Christie, at today’s impeachment hearing in Washington DC, there seemed to be a conflict between Republican and Democrat as to which country most likely interfered in the 2016 U.S. Presidential election- Russia or Ukraine. Mr. Christie, who do you think it was that interfered in the U.S. election in 2016?”.
“Well,” Christie was eating a bag full of Christie’s Chocolate Chip Cookies, “I personally believe that it was the Norwegian island of Spitsbergen that was responsible for foreign interference in the 2016 U.S. Presidential election. The hacking was done at computers at a popular jazz cafe on the island of Spitsbergen. This jazz cafe in Spitsbergen was first mentioned in a documentary that Orson Welles made back in 1973. The very same jazz cafe that was noted artist Pablo Picasso’s favourite destination during the winter months of the year…”
Christie was unable to finish his answer because he then passed out on to the floor.
“Well,” Renfield thought to himself, “we now know who was responsible for stealing and smoking that 20 gram bag of Canadian cannabis from Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster’s aquarium.”
There suddenly seemed to be a commotion in the meeting hall.
Renfield wondered whether an assassination attempt was about to happen.
Prior to the debate, Sherrielock Holmes the Chief of Security for Set Enterprises had informed Renfield that 3 different assassination teams would be after him tonight.
Russian President Vladimir Putin had sent an FSB assassination squad to bump Renfield off.
Donald Trump had sent a combined Israeli Mossad and Saudi Arabian hit squad (namely because he couldn’t trust U.S. deep state agency operatives to do his bidding) to bump Renfield off.
Pope Francis had sent a Jesuit hit squad to bump Renfield off.
Thus the meeting hall was stacked with Set Enterprises’ operatives and intelligence agents friendly to Renfield.
There was Set Enterprises secret agents Miranda Singh and Harvey Tallbanger, Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing and South African intelligence operative Lepardia Marango.
South African intelligence operative Lepardia Marango: Backstage at the Tewkesbury constituency debate on Foreign Policy.
The four Renfield allied intelligence operatives moved quickly into action.
The light switches were hit.
The hall went dark.
And the 3 different assassination hit squad members ended up shooting and killing one another.
Renfield then invited his 4 intelligence operatives friends back to his B and B for late night tea and crumpets.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday November 21st
2019.
In London Harvey Tallbanger Meets Gali-Gula
Harvey Tallbanger Meets Gali-Gula
The 6 foot 8 tall Welsh pooka bunny rabbit Harvey Tallbanger (who was invisible most of the time) was walking down a street in London, England when he accidentally inhaled a whole bunch of marijuana smoke that was being exhaled at a street corner by one of British Labour Party leader Jeremy Corbyn’s leading Brexit advisors.
Inside a London pub, the ET Gray Gali-Gula (an ET Gray from the planet Nibiru who was possessed by the spirit of the ancient earthling Roman Emperor Caligula) was sitting up at the bar drinking a whole bunch of Harvey Wallbangers.
Tallbanger entered the pub.
As a result of inhaling marijuana smoke, the rabbit was able to see the ET Gray sitting up at the bar.
As a result of drinking Harvey Wallbangers, the ET Gray was able to see the very tall bunny rabbit.
Tallbanger sat next to Gali-Gula.
Within minutes, the pair realized they could see one another.
“Did you recently inhale marijuana smoke?” ET Gray asked bunny rabbit.
“I did,” bunny rabbit replied, “and I see you’ve obviously been drinking Harvey Wallbangers.”
“That I have,” ET Gray admitted.
Gali-Gula then asked Harvey Tallbanger what he’d been doing recently.
“Well,” Harvey replied, “I have spent quite a bit of time in North America recently where I have been throwing cream pies in the faces of political idiots.”
“You must have used up an awful lot of cream pies,” Gali-Gula observed.
“That I have,” Harvey nodded, “The bakery where I buy them was working overtime 24 hours a day to keep up with my orders.”
The ET Gray ordered another Wallbanger from the pot smoking pub keeper.
“So, what drives you to drink on this fine evening?” Harvey asked the little ET.
“A friend of mine Canada’s Prime Minister Justin Trudeau is announcing his new cabinet tomorrow and not once did he seek my advice about his appointments,” Gali-Gula cried in someone else’s beer, “I thought he’d inhale pot smoke somewhere somehow so I could appear to him and tell him who to pick.”
The ET Gray blubbered all over a chocolate cake that was made to look like a whale and was sitting on the bar counter.
“How do you know when Prime Minister Justin has inhaled pot smoke?” Tallbanger inquired.
“This beeper that looks like a miniature Captain James T. Kirk goes off,” Gali-Gula pulled the mini Captain Kirk figure out of the place where his belly button should have been if he was a human and not an ET Gray, “Oh, my God, it looks like the battery’s dead. How long has it been dead? I haven’t looked at it for a week. Maybe Justin has been inhaling pot smoke to contact me and since the battery wasn’t working, the beeper didn’t go off and I didn’t answer him if he had called via marijuana smoke.”
Gali-Gula dreamed about weeping into the bosom of a bicycling Italian farm girl he had met this past summer:
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday November 19th
2019.
Justin Discovers Kermit’s Law: It Isn’t Easy Being Green
Justin Discovers Kermit’s Law: It Isn’t Easy Being Green
Sophie Gregoire Trudeau (wife of Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau) was in their family mansion in Ottawa when she suddenly noticed a light on in the greenhouse outside.
She hadn’t seen a light on in the greenhouse since the days her husband’s pet pot smoking desert cactus plant Strawberry Fields Forever inhabited the place.
Then the greenhouse light was on all the time whenever her husband was home.
Justin would go and inhale Strawberry Fields Forever’s exhaled pot smoke so he could truthfully tell the media that he didn’t personally smoke marijuana.
However that changed nearly a year ago when Chinese Communist agents from Beijing cactusnapped Strawberry Fields Forever from the greenhouse in retaliation for Canada’s arrest of Huawei CFO Meng Wanzhou.
Then over the summer, Strawberry Fields Forever finally ended up being murdered by his Chinese Communist captors since Meng Wanzhou still hadn’t been released from Canada.
Sophie was actually pleased when Strawberry Fields Forever had been cactusnapped because her husband stopped blabbing about getting advice from Gali-Gula the Caligula’s spirit possessed ET Gray from the planet Nibiru- an entity that her husband always saw whenever he inhaled pot smoke.
People might start thinking he was a lunatic if he engaged in such talk.
Sadly for her, Justin had recently decided to get Set Enterprises’ famous research scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher of London to genetically create a new pot smoking desert cactus plant for him.
With this in mind, Justin had sent Sheriff Stonedwall Jackman the pot smoking sheriff of Calypso’s Bosom (an Aquarian Age hippy commune on British Columbia’s Sechelt Peninsula- a sort of New Age equivalent of Scotland’s mythical mystical Brigadoon- with the cosmically inclined “far out” village emerging from its pot smoke filled mists once every 7 years) down to the Arizona desert to pick up a new cactus plant for Dr. Cadbury Rocher to clone.
Apparently Sheriff Stonedwall Jackman had cut off a slice of cactus from a cactus plant that the Hopi tribe of Arizona regarded as sacred.
The slice of cactus had been flown by Government of Canada jet from Arizona to London this past weekend.
It apparently took Dr. Cadbury Rocher approximately 4 to 6 weeks to genetically create a new pot smoking desert cactus plant.
Dr. Rocher did promise Justin however that he should have the new pot smoking desert cactus plant ready by Christmas.
It would definitely give the lines of that Christmas carol “Angels we have heard on high” a whole new meaning Sophie thought to herself when her husband Justin had told her the “good news”.
So if the pot smoking cactus plant wouldn’t be ready until Christmas, what were the lights doing on in the greenhouse? Sophie wondered to herself.
She went out to investigate.
She looked through the greenhouse window where she got the shock of her life.
She stormed through the greenhouse door.
“Justin, what the Hell do you think you’re doing?” Sophie called out angrily.
Justin was wearing a green turban on his head and had his face painted green with green face makeup.
He was inhaling marijuana smoke from a tiny desert cactus plant that was wearing a mini-skirt and giggling like a teen-aged school girl.
“Oh hi, dear,” the green-faced Justin Trudeau grinned, “this is Material Girl from Australia. She’s one of two original plant clippings off Strawberry Fields Forever that I had given to the noted Australian poet David Redpath. She and her twin brother Mellow Yellow.”
“And who is that mysterious looking gentleman?” Sophie pointed in the direction of a man wearing the robes of a Ming Emperor.
“That’s Mr. Inn Lu,” Justin explained, “He’s the one who flew Material Girl from Australia to Ottawa on his private jet at my request. I need to talk to Gali-Gula right away. And can’t wait until Christmas. So Inn Lu who’s a certified Dragon Master (don’t ask me what that is because I don’t know) and runs a recreational therapy spa in Sydney was kind enough to fly her here.”
“How do you know he runs a recreational therapy spa in Sydney?” Sophie asked her husband.
“Because that’s what it says on his business card,” Justin answered.
“Can I see your business card?” Sophie asked Inn Lu.
Inn Lu reached under his Green Dragon emblazoned black cap on top of his head and pulled out a business card.
Sophie looked at Inn Lu’s business card.
She then turned towards her husband and shrieked, “You idiot! He runs an opium den.”
“Well, smoking opium is a form of recreational therapy,” Justin smiled sheepishly.
“Don’t let Opposition Leader Andrew Scheer hear you say that,” Sophie shook her head in exasperation.
“Baa-baa-black sheep, have you any wool?” Material Girl started singing.
“Speaking of black sheep,” Sophie glared angrily at Justin, “What’s with the green turban and the green face? You told the media and the Canadian voters you’d never wear black face or brown face ever again.”
“And I’ve kept my promise,” Justin protested, “I never promised not to wear green face.”
“I never promised you a rose garden,” Material Girl sang, “along with the sunshine. There’s got to be a little rain sometimes.”
“Why are you wearing green face anyways?” Sophie asked.
“At Material Girl’s request,” Justin grinned, “She said she wouldn’t exhale pot smoke in my face unless I did so.”
The mysterious Mr. Inn Lu pulled a very large hourglass of sand out from under his robes and looked at the remaining small grains of sand that were left at the top about to filter through to the bottom of the hour glass, “Okay. Time to go, Material Girl. Your babysitter Uncle Ernie told me that the 48 hour All You Can Eat coupon he bought your owner Mr. David Redpath for the Road Kill Cafe (with food served fresh hourly) in the Australian Outback will be expiring soon. If he comes home and finds you missing again, Uncle Ernie will be in big trouble again. Time to head home.”
“Awww, shoot!” Material Girl pouted.
Despite her pouting, Inn Lu picked up Material Girl with his gloved hands and headed out to his private jet.
“Well, I guess no need now to ask you about the airplane parked in the driveway,” Sophie remarked to her green faced husband.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday November 18th
2019.
