Panty Goatee and The Episcopal Cathedral of Saint John The Divine
Panty Goatee and The Episcopal Cathedral of Saint John The Divine
Belvedere the ghost of the Ghost White Salamander and an amphibian spectral reporter for the Times of London was here in New York City.
He was visiting the Episcopal Cathedral of Saint John The Divine in New York City.
He was here to interview the ghost of the late Episcopalian Bishop James Albert Pike about being asked by Pope Francis to compose a new version of the Lord’s Prayer (to be renamed the Hermaphrodite Comrade General-Secretary’s Prayer) for a new ecumenical Mass that was being designed by a top secret interfaith committee of Roman Catholics, Lutherans and Anglicans.
Pike’s ghost was currently visiting New York’s Episcopal Cathedral of Saint John The Divine where he had served as Dean of the Cathedral for six years from 1952 to 1958 prior to being elected bishop coadjutor of California and then succeeding to the see a few months later after the death of his predecessor.
Maintaining the episcopal arrogance he was noted for when he was alive, Bishop Pike still refused to believe in the existence of Hell despite roasting away on a spit in Tartarus for the past 49 years.
He had been granted a temporary dispensation of absence by Hades the Greek god of the Underworld after a request from Pope Francis that he do so.
Belvedere stood outside the side entrance of the Cathedral when the statue of a gargoyle fell on top of him.
He jumped out of the way forgetting that he was a ghost and could not be killed a second time.
Who did that? Belvedere wondered to himself.
He had talked to the famous London private eyes Magog Rhys Petley and Agathor Christie before leaving London for New York.
They had told him they were on a secret mission for the British government and would be flying to Helsinki next week.
Despite pressing for more details, the pair refused to divulge anymore to the spectral amphibian reporter.
Although they kept ordering more sushi 🍣 for the ninja mask wearing lobster in the small aquarium next to their table in the Japanese restaurant they were dining in.
Magog and Agathor told Belvedere that they had visited St. John The Divine Episcopal Cathedral last summer where they saw Shiva the Hindu god of destruction and transformation walking around.
They weren’t sure whether the Hindu deity was on a mission of destruction or transformation or both.
Belvedere said he would be on the lookout for any signs of Shiva on this occasion.
The ghostly salamander’s thoughts retuned to the broken gargoyle that lay on the sidewalk beside him.
It was then that he saw her- a beautiful blue and white haired and tattooed young woman wearing a sexy skirt, absinthe green coloured corset and super spiked stiletto high-heeled shoes.
The woman lifted her skirt and pulled a butcher’s meat cleaver knife out of her panties and then cut the head off a man who was trying to enter the side door of the Cathedral.
“My God,” shouted a campaign worker for New York 14th Congressional District Democratic Party nominee Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez, “that woman outside the door of the Cathedral there just murdered the Mexican Consul-General in New York City.”
The ghost of a New York Shakespearean actor who had been famous in the 19th Century for playing the character of Snout in A Midsummer Night’s Dream shouted, “Beware all opponents of the wall for you are being targeted.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday July 11th
2018.
Dr. Faustus Imhotep Unveils Panty Goatee
Dr. Faustus Imhotep Unveils Panty Goatee
“Guess who may become Prime Minister of Britain 🇬🇧 in the next few weeks?” British MP Renfield R. Renfield asked his good friend Amadeus Emanon.
“Who?” Amadeus Emanon inquired of Renfield as he was about to eat the first of half a dozen steak sandwiches he had ordered from Cato’s Catering.
“Me,” Renfield grinned.
For the second time in two weeks, Amadeus Emanon put his knife and fork 🍴 aside as he lost his appetite.
“How did this come about?” Amadeus stared blankly into space.
“Through the resignations of David Davis as Brexit Secretary and Boris Johnson as Foreign Secretary,” Renfield explained, “There’s a terrible split in both the Conservative Cabinet and the Conservative Party over Prime Minister Theresa May’s Brexit deal with the European Union 🇪🇺. The government may collapse at any moment.”
“So how does that help you become Prime Minister?” Amadeus buried his head in his hands.
“Well,” Renfield grabbed the knife and fork and proceeded to start eating the first of his friend’s steak 🥩 sandwiches, “rather than call an election and face the possibility of another hung government (maybe quite literally hung), Her Most Gracious Majesty The Queen wants the Conservatives and Labour to join together in a coalition National Unity Government with me serving as Prime Minister and head of the coalition National Unity government since Her Majesty believes that I’m the current contemporary British MP who is most like the first Prime Minister of her long reign who was none other than Sir Winston Churchill.”
Amadeus stared solemnly as Renfield started eating the second of his steak 🥩 sandwiches after finishing the first.
“So since I’m about to become Prime Minister, I’m afraid I can’t fly to Helsinki next week carrying the genetically created Japanese Ninja lobster assassin Shinigami to bump off two individuals who are holding an important meeting there on July 16th. One individual has to be killed as vengeance for the Novichok caused death of British citizen Dawn Sturgess and the other individual has to be killed for insulting the Prime Minister of a British Commonwealth country. Therefore I’ve hired the famous London private eyes (and former MPs) Magog Rhys Petley and Agathor Christie (and got them temporary licenses to kill from Her Majesty’s Government) to carry Shinigami into the country.
Dr. Cadbury Rocher finally perfected his latest genetic creation this past June 28th. Shinigami now has a deadly dose of the most fatal scorpion 🦂 poison within his lobster claws. And his handlers (i.e. Agathor and Magog) will be wearing special gloves 🧤 so they will not be subject to the poison. I’ve since bought stock in Russian and U.S. state funeral catering companies based on this insider information so I can make tons of money after these two individuals kick the bucket thanks to Shinigami’s poisoned dipped lobster claws.”
Amadeus looked on wistfully after Renfield had demolished the third of the half dozen steak 🥩 sandwiches.
Then an idea 💡 occurred to him.
“Do you remember a couple of weeks ago, you were trying to find the personal phone number of New York’s 14th Congressional District Democratic Party nominee Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez?” Amadeus smiled.
“Oh yes?” Renfield paused just before taking a bite of the 4th steak 🥩 sandwich.
“Well, Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders’ Private Secretary phoned you (while you were out preaching the Good News of Transhumanism to female workers in London’s Red Light District) just before she leaves on a 4-week undisclosed personal vacation with Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s number. A number I wrote down.”
“Great!” Renfield grinned like the Cheshire Cat about to devour the world’s largest tuna fish sandwich and laid aside both his fork and the plate of the uneaten 4th steak 🥩 sandwich, “What is it?”.
Amadeus continued smiling, “Well I wrote it down and also didn’t memorize it. I left it on the table by the front door and the new cleaning lady for the mansion ripped it up into hundreds of pieces and threw it in the garbage can outside. And as you know, garbage pickup is today.
So I’m afraid the number is lost to you for the next 4 weeks.”
As Renfield stared blankly into space for the next 5 minutes, Amadeus went to the kitchen drawer and got himself a clean knife and fork 🍴 and proceeded to eat the last 3 steak sandwiches.
. . .
Pope Francis was meeting with one of his newest appointed cardinals Samhain Cardinal Salaman (who prior to being elevated to the Vatican College of Cardinals worked as a stage magician by trade under the name Salaman the Magician).
Up until his appointment, Salaman wasn’t even Catholic (he had been an adherent of the Black Magic aspects of Jewish Kabbalistic mysticism).
But after Pope Francis had talked him into being a Cardinal, he was baptized a Catholic, confirmed a Catholic, ordained a deacon, ordained a priest, consecrated a bishop and then elevated to the Cardinalate all on the same day.
Salaman was also named the Archbishop of the newly created Welsh Diocese of Llanthony Abbey and the Black Mountains.
Francis was discussing with the new Cardinal Samhain Salaman his plans for a new ecumenical Mass that was being worked on by a committee of Roman Catholics, Lutherans and Anglicans.
Francis desired a new version of the Lord’s Prayer (Christ’s original wasn’t good enough for the 21st Century in his enlightened papal opinion) for the new Mass.
For that purpose, Francis had asked Hades the Greek god of the Underworld to release the spirit of the 1960s U.S. Episcopal bishop of California the Right Reverend James Albert Pike from the fires 🔥 of Tartarus to come up to Earth’s surface and write a new version of the Lord’s Prayer for the new Mass.
Francis and Cardinal Samhain Salaman were now reading the first draft of the late Bishop Pike’s literary masterpiece,
“Our transgendered parent who’s far out of this world,
Groovy is your name…”
. . .
Dr. Faustus Imhotep the acting head of DARPA was about to unveil his latest genetic creation and agency assassin Panty Goatee to General Custer Eastmoreland the U.S. Army General responsible for overseeing DARPA.
Panty Goatee was the genetically cloned twin sister of DARPA contract assassin and satyr serial killer Pan Goatee.
Dr. Faustus Imhotep had given the U.S. Twitterer-In-Chief a sneak preview of Panty Goatee back on May 13th of this year but the Donald had thrown a major spaz attack and pulled out his toupee upon seeing her.
The reason?
The Donald did not like her furry style goat 🐐 legs.
He ordered Dr. Faustus Imhotep to have Panty lose the fur.
So after rechecking the DNA formula, he did some genetic tweaking and managed to eliminate the fur off her legs.
Now Dr. Faustus Imhotep was showing General Custer Eastmoreland the new and improved Panty Goatee.
After taking off the Harry Potter and Severus Snape emblazoned curtains, Dr. Faustus Imhotep unveiled Panty Goatee to the general:
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday July 9th 2018
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez: The Beginning of Donald Trump’s Downfall?
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez: The Beginning of Donald Trump’s Downfall?
British MP Renfield R. Renfield sat riveted to the TV as he watched New York’s 14th Congressional District Democratic Primary winner Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez appear on The Late Show With Stephen Colbert.
This past Tuesday June 26th 2018, Miss Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez had defeated 10 term Democratic Congressman and the district’s incumbent the House of Representatives Democratic Caucus Chair Joseph Crowley in the biggest upset victory in the 2018 U.S. Mid-Term election.
She defeated Mr. Crowley by a margin of 57% to 42%.
The district (which is made up of Queens and the Bronx) if it decides to elect Miss Ocasio-Cortez next November will be sending to Washington the youngest Congresswoman in U.S. history (she is only 28).
Renfield sighed as he saw her appear on The Late Show With Stephen Colbert.
“I imagine,” Renfield said as he looked at her with the intensity of Romeo when he first saw Juliet, “that if Donald Trump ever tweets about her, he’ll have a hard on as he’s doing so.”
Amadeus Emanon who was about to eat a baby carrot 🥕 from his salad 🥗 put it down after Renfield made this remark.
“Well,” Amadeus winced, “I don’t often lose my appetite but your comment about Donald Trump having a hard on while he’s tweeting and twittering managed to do just that.”
“Sorry,” Renfield apologized.
He knew how much his friend loved food.
“It’s all right,” Amadeus said, “Angelique has been telling me for quite a while now that I should really lose weight.”
The New Orleans songstress and vampiress Angelique Dumont was Amadeus’ girlfriend.
“She may have something there,” Renfield remarked as he had discovered this morning that this was the 29th time in 29 days of June that the bathroom weigh scale had been broken.
“What’s different about Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez from her defeated Establishment opponent Rep. Joseph Crowley?” Amadeus asked.
“Well for one thing she’s a democratic socialist,” Renfield helped himself to some Swedish meatballs since Amadeus didn’t seem to be eating them at the moment.
“Isn’t that what the British Labour Party is?” Amadeus thought of Jeremy Corbyn.
“They are,” Renfield now ate some of Amadeus’ black pudding and poached eggs.
“And the New Democratic Party in Canada?” Amadeus queried.
“That’s right,” Renfield now started working on Amadeus’ maple syrup smothered pancakes 🥞 , “although Dracul Van Helsing’s father told him that quite a number of hard line Marxists, Leninists and Trotskyites did enter the party when the old farmer based CCF (Co-operative Commonwealth Federation) merged with the Ontario based CLC (Canadian Labour Congress) to form the NDP (New Democratic Party) back in 1961.”
“Wasn’t Dracul Van Helsing’s father the Provincial Co-ordinator of the Alberta CCF back in the 1950s?” Amadeus asked.
“He was,” Renfield started eating numerous strips of bacon 🥓 off Amadeus’ oversized plate.
“What else does Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez stand for?” Amadeus watched Renfield eating what had been his combined breakfast, lunch and dinner plate.
“She supports nationally publicly funded healthcare accessible to all,” Renfield proceeded to eat himself towards a major heart attack and cardiac arrest in the next 5 minutes.
“But we’ve got that in Britain 🇬🇧,” Amadeus pointed out.
“And in most countries of Western Europe and the British Commonwealth including Canada,” Renfield ate Amadeus’ steak and kidney pie 🥧.
“Anything else she stands for?” Amadeus was debating with himself if he should start feeling hungry again.
“Free tuition at public colleges, universities and trade schools,” Renfield devoured the cream cheese and cucumber sandwiches.
“Dracul Van Helsing supports that doesn’t he?” Amadeus asked.
“Yes,” Renfield helped himself to the ketchup smothered macaroni and cheese, “he points out that’s what made Ireland 🇮🇪 the Celtic Tiger economy of the 1990s. Having a vast highly educated young work force as a result of providing free tuition at publicly funded universities and trade schools caused many companies to set up shop in Ireland so they could employ this brilliant young work force crackling with ideas and high productivity.”
“Did they ever try that in Canada?” Amadeus watched the last of the dozen maple syrup covered pancakes 🥞 disappear.
“John Manley the man that Dracul Van Helsing supported for the leadership of the Canadian Federal Liberal Party back in 2003 advocated the idea,” Renfield lumberjacked his way through the Bavarian Black Forest cake, “but unfortunately for Mr. Manley, another leadership candidate called Paul Martin had already sown up over 50% of the delegates even before the leadership convention was called so Manley didn’t even bother running.”
“So this Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez who could probably easily be elected Prime Minister of Canada is considered a radical in American politics while Herr Hitler Lite (as opposed to Miller Lite or Coors Lite) aka Donald Trump is considered the great American patriot by the Tea Party which has now become the mainstream of the Republican Party,” Amadeus saw his German apple strudel disappear under the dinner fork 🍴like wand of Renfield the Magician.
“Yes,” Renfield washed his huge meal down with a one litre bottle of brandy.
Amadeus sighed as the Good Plate Amadeus had gone the way of Renfield.
Renfield rewound the video of Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s interview on The Late Show With Stephen Colbert.
He watched enthusiastically again.
He then stood up.
He walked over to the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set’s antique phone in the kitchen.
“I’m going to see if I can get this Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s phone number and offer her some political advice,” Renfield explained as he dialled the number.
“More likely you’re going to try to ask her for a date,” Amadeus sighed.
“Well that too,” Renfield grinned.
“Say,” Amadeus suddenly noticed that Renfield had left him one piece of dessert and also noticed something else, “what’s that huge bulge in the middle of your tight British tweed trousers?”.
“Well,” Renfield’s face started turning red.
“Never mind it just occurred to me,” Amadeus laid aside the giant banana 🍌 that he was about to eat but he had suddenly lost his appetite again.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday June 29th
2018.
Geneva Convention- Baphomet Style
Geneva Convention- Baphomet Style
DARPA contract assassin and satyr serial killer Pan Goatee was riding a transit bus 🚌 making sure the local transit system adhered to his Nietzschean principles of aesthetic beauty.
Just then an ugly looking high school girl boarded the bus.
Pan Goatee vomited 🤮 all over the person sitting next to him.
“You can probably get that out with Ultra-Tide laundry detergent,” Pan said as he stood up and removed his laser machete from his Angela Merkel emblazoned boxer shorts.
As the ugly looking high school girl stood by the back door of the bus, Pan Goatee immediately beheaded her and then cut her up into tiny little pieces.
He then pulled a whiskey bottle that contained Doppelgänger (a lethal combination of Irish Guinness and Greek Ouzo) out of his Hawaiian tropical shirt pocket and said, “Never send a sober nanite to do a drunken nanite’s job.”
He then poured the alcohol into the mouths of the already vomiting 🤮 nanoparticles sickened by the aesthetically challenged body parts of the ugly high school girl (who had even been considered too ugly to star in the horror flick High School of the Living Dead for which she recently auditioned).
The nanites then ate the body parts and continued vomiting 🤮 en masse.
Pan Goatee exited through the emergency hatch at the top of the bus as the nanite vomit continued to rise and ended up drowning all the passengers and the bus driver.
. . .
Donald Trump smiled at the TV camera as he signed an executive order banning the separation of immigrant children from their parents.
He then opened a box of Christmas pie he had been saving since last Christmas, put in his thumb, pulled out a plum and said, “What a good boy am I.”
Melania Trump and Ivanka Trump vomited 🤮 all over the Lincoln Bedroom after watching the spectacle on television.
Abe Lincoln’s ghost remarked, “I don’t blame you” as he spewed forth a nasty 🤢 looking flow of ectoplasm out of his mouth which no doubt would have caused the Ghostbusters (in the original 1984 film) to give up their day jobs.
. . .
As Peter Whitstable the Fox Mulder of Interpol was getting an anonymous tip about a satanic cult performing a human sacrifice tomorrow in Geneva, Switzerland 🇨🇭, members of the satanic cult The Legion of Apollinarius were getting ready for their own H. P. Lovecraft style take on Shakespeare’s A Midsummer Night’s Eve.
The priest Petrus Romanus Puer Miratio Robinus was getting ready for the human sacrifice tomorrow night.
A Swiss cuckoo clock that had a bat 🦇 out of Hell for a cuckoo bird came out of the clock riding a fiery blazing chopper motorcycle 🏍 announcing the time.
Petrus was consulting the Swiss gypsy medium Heidi Hannibal in the steam furnace basement room of the early 20th Century church building where the human sacrifice would take place tomorrow night in the chapel and altar above.
Swiss gypsy medium Heidi Hannibal
“Hello Baphomet, are you there?” Petrus asked as Heidi Hannibal went into a channeling trance.
“I am,” Baphomet spoke in a deeply diabolical baritone voice through the lovely Swiss blonde.
“You must have a nice singing voice,” Petrus recalled a line that Bill Murray had used in the 1984 film Ghostbusters.
“You should hear me sing the role of Mephistopheles in Charles Gounod’s opera Faust,” Baphomet answered through Heidi Hannibal, “I even sing it better than Mephistopheles himself.”
“That I can believe,” answered Petrus who wasn’t impressed by Mephistopheles’ falsetto style voice.
“Have you made all the arrangements for tomorrow’s Midsummer Night’s non-Anglican Evensong service and satanic sacrifice?” Baphomet asked.
“The boys’ choir is putting in extra time,” Petrus admitted, “our lead singer just hit puberty last night after encountering Heidi wearing a short skirt.”
“Hm, I can see that happening,” Baphomet admitted, “make sure Heidi goes nowhere near the boys in the choir until after tomorrow night’s service.”
“I’ll do that, your Infernalness,” Petrus bowed.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday June 20th
2018.
Michelangelo’s Dream of The Holy Family In Egypt
Michelangelo’s Dream of The Holy Family In Egypt
Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster was fast asleep 💤 on his waterproof pillow in his aquarium at the Set Enterprises laboratory.
He was dreaming about Egypt some two millennia ago.
Egypt was ruled by a Pharaoh who had a toupee hair piece made out of red spider monkey fur.
The colour of the toupee was a vomit 🤮 inducing to look upon urine coloured golden yellow that looked extremely grotesquely unnatural.
Even Pharaoh’s daughter the Princess Ananka Ivanka had commented on the grotesque appearance of her father’s hair.
The Pharaoh’s name was Donaldramses Twitterakhten (German Egyptologists pronounced the last two syllables of his last name achtung).
Donaldramses Twitterakten built huge monuments to himself that would have made Percy Shelley’s Ozymandias look like the epitome of humility.
One of the things he intended to build was a huge wall on Egypt’s border with Palestine to keep out illegal immigrants.
God knows these people created huge problems for previous Pharaohs resulting in one drowning in the Red Sea as a result of some Hebrew tribal god imagining that he was actually the Creator of the Universe.
After all any sensible person would realize that there was no way any god could be superior to he himself the Divine-God Pharaoh Donaldramses Twitterakhten.
And why were these Jews fleeing Judea anyways Pharaoh Donaldramses Twitterakhten thought to himself.
Their ruler King Herod was such a splendid chap.
Donaldramses Twitterakhten himself had proclaimed what a splendid fellow this King Herod was when he met with him in a peace summit on the Isle of Rhodes.
And surely that summit would allow him to win this year’s Pericles Peace Prize.
Pharaoh already had his soldiers on the border to keep out those nasty Jewish refugees.
Families were stopped at the border and separated.
The parents were arrested for illegal entry into Egypt.
They were put into cages.
The children (separated from their parents) were likewise put into cages.
Into this scene the Holy Family of Jesus, Mary and Joseph emerged against the backdrop of the Pyramids.
Somehow they managed to avoid Pharaoh’s soldiers on the border.
Michelangelo recognized Joseph walking in sandals (alongside the Virgin Mary holding the infant Jesus in her arms as she rode a donkey) from a picture on a waterproof Christmas card that Amadeus Emanon had given him this past Christmas.
Before Michelangelo could say Jack Robinson, Pharaoh’s soldiers descended on the Holy Family and surrounded them with spears.
The baby Jesus was separated from Mary and Joseph and put into a cage.
Meanwhile in Alexandria, Pharaoh Donaldramses Twitterakhten received a standing ovation from his most religiously inclined supporters at a Let’s Make Egypt Great Again rally.
Pharaoh’s wife as soon as she heard about the policy of separating children from their parents and putting them in cages publicly voiced displeasure with her husband’s policy.
Pharaoh displeased asked members of his bodyguard to find a way to “accidentally” throw his wife into a pit of poisonous snakes.
There was no way his wife was going to make an asp out of him.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday June 18th
2018.
Renfield and Amadeus Discuss The Singapore Summit
Renfield and Amadeus Discuss The Singapore Summit
British MP Renfield R. Renfield was having lunch with his close friend Amadeus Emanon the personal concert pianist to the London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set.
Renfield was having half a dozen tuna fish sandwiches and Amadeus was enjoying a 12-course Chinese combination dinner from Lydo’s Chinese Food.
He liked the catchy jingle on their commercials, “426-5050, if you’re hungry 😋, call the Lydo now. Freeee delivereee!”.
And then the sexy Chinese vampiress Meiling Manchu at the end of the commercial, “Don’t forget to dial the local area code first before the number.”
She then smiled before biting into a sumptuous egg roll with her vampiric incisor fangs.
Meiling Manchu hides her vampiric incisor fangs with her arm.
“So, what did you think of the Singapore Summit meeting between Donald Trump and Kim Jong-un?” Amadeus asked as he bit into a sweet and sour sparerib and wondered why Porky 🐷 Pig had a spare rib but Adam in the Garden of Eden didn’t.
“Kim Jong-un came out on top,” Renfield spoke as if he was giving an English language voice over to a Japanese porno film.
“You really think so?” Amadeus started to dig into the beef chop suey with his chop sticks.
“I do,” Renfield belched over his 2nd glass of bourbon 🥃 .
“What makes you think so?” Amadeus polished off the Chicken Fried Rice and moved in on the Egg Foo Yong.
“All Kim Jong-un did was just promise to give up his nuclear weapons,” Renfield inhaled a piece of tuna as if it were crack cocaine, “and you know what the singers Simon and Garfunkel said about promises in their song The Boxer?”.
“All lies and jest, still a man hears what he wants to hear and disregards the rest,” Amadeus laid aside the pamphlet entitled Overeating Is The Primary Cause of Obesity.
“Exactly,” Renfield poured two more glasses of bourbon 🥃 for himself, “while Trump has gone and openly cancelled the military war games that the U.S. holds with South Korea each year which so pissed off the North, Kim has given very little in return. So it’s a win-win situation for Kim while it’s a Tweet and Brag situation for Trump.”
“What transpired at the summit that led to this?” Amadeus ate a bowl of lychee nuts for dessert.
“Well my spies in Singapore tell me that a beautiful North Korean woman was called upon to make a major sacrifice for her country and give the pompous toupee wearing blowhard Trump a blow job in order that he’d agree to Kim Jong-un’s demands,” Renfield replied.
“How awful,” Amadeus Emanon blew his nose sympathetically for the poor woman.
Meanwhile in his laboratory aquarium at Set Enterprises, Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster had a vision of two classical Roman style busts on display in the British Museum in the near future.
One was a bust of Julius Caesar that bore the inscription, “I came, I saw, I conquered.”
The other was a bust of Donald Trump that said, “I saw, I came, I capitulated.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday June 12th
2018.
Justin Trudeau, Donald Trump and The ET Gray Gali-Gula From Nibiru
Justin Trudeau, Donald Trump and The ET Gray Gali-Gula From Nibiru
On the television in Canadian living rooms was a rare sight- CBC News Anchorman Peter Mansbridge.
Peter Mansbridge: Hi, I’m Peter Mansbridge. You may remember me as a long time CBC News anchorman from many years ago. You haven’t seen me for a while and no doubt thought I was dead. Well I was. But voodoo practicing strategists for the U. S. Democratic Party have brought me back from the dead on condition I go down to the U.S. and vote 🗳 for Hillary Clinton in the 2020 Democratic Party Presidential primaries.
In the meantime, I’ll occasionally appear on The National so you don’t think my career is as dead as the dodo bird 🐦.
In the news tonight, Alberta cattle baron and long time Canadian Federal Liberal Party fundraiser and fanatical Justin Trudeau supporter Flyen High was found dead in his hotel room in Calgary last night.
He was apparently killed by a fast acting Amazon poison dart that was fired into his neck.
Police however do not believe that the dart was fired from an Amazon blow gun (since Amazon is not allowed to sell poison dart blow guns in Canada unlike the U. S. where Americans’ right to blow is defended by both the NRA and leading adult female porn star Felicity Fellatio).
Also apparently the guest in the room next door distinctly heard Henry Mancini’s Moon River being played on Greek pan pipes.
This was followed by a loud scream in which a gravel sounding elderly male voice said that his high school sweetheart had broken up with him while they were watching the 1961 film Breakfast At Tiffany’s.
The scream was then followed by a loud thud as of a body falling to the floor.
When hotel security and the 101-year-old bell boy entered the room, Mr. Flyen High’s body was found on the bedroom floor with an Amazon tribesman’s poison dart found lodged in his neck.
Calgary police believe that the Amazon blow dart was fired by the same Greek pan pipes that were playing Moon River only moments before.
Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau tweeted that both he and the Federal Liberal Party treasurer were “very saddened by Mr. Flyen High’s death.”
Meanwhile the nation’s most expert political commentators in the cities of Ottawa, Toronto and Montreal are still baffled why an Albertan like Mr. Flyen High was such an enthusiastic Justin Trudeau supporter in a province where the Trudeau family name is considered anathema by most Albertans.
Meanwhile Calgary police report that 300 plastic bags of non-medicinal marijuana (with Mr. Flyen High’s fingerprints all over them) were found underneath the cattle baron’s hotel room mattress.
This was strange in lieu of the fact that Mr. Justin Trudeau’s law legalizing the use of recreational marijuana doesn’t become legal until July 1st this year.
. . .
What had transpired the past 24 hours:
Justin Trudeau (at post G-7 Summit press conference addressing the issue of Donald Trump’s temper tantrums during the Summit):
“Canadians are polite and reasonable but we will also not be pushed around.”
Donald Trump (on plane ✈️ en route to Singapore 🇸🇬 and throwing a temper tantrum on hearing Justin Trudeau’s remarks): “Well, Lexington (speaking to his butler and valet), I’m not polite, I’m not reasonable but I also won’t be pushed around either.”
. . .
Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau was walking through his greenhouse when he caught a whiff of pot smoke 💨 which was being exhaled by his Dr. Cadbury Rocher developed genetic hybrid marijuana smoking cactus 🌵 plant.
Upon inhaling the smoke, he immediately saw Gali-Gula the ET gray from Nibiru (whose alien 👽 body was possessed by the spirit of the ancient Earthling Roman Emperor Caligula) that he always saw every time he inhaled marijuana smoke 💨.
“Good God,” shouted Justin, “Not you again.”
“You know I remember during the days I was the Emperor Gaius Caligula, I always wanted to be worshiped as a god,” Gali-Gula stared dreamily into the night sky shining through the clear roof of the greenhouse.
“Well, then,” Justin retorted,” why don’t you use your divine omniscience and tell me what I can do about Donald Trump?”.
“Why don’t you get your Praetorian Guard to bump him off?” Gali-Gula suggested.
“I don’t have a Praetorian Guard,” Justin Trudeau answered.
“Pity,” Gali-Gula remarked as he drank a cup of Red Rose tea which was available only in Canada 🇨🇦.
“I’m beginning to think so,” Justin Trudeau agreed and then suddenly remembered something his father once told him, “Say, weren’t you yourself once bumped off by your own Praetorian Guard?”.
Gali-Gula immediately spit out a mouthful of Red Rose tea ☕️ which immediately extinguished the smoke from the marijuana smoking cactus’ marijuana cigarette much to the former desert plant’s annoyance.
“I try,” Gali-Gula wiped his mouth, “to forget that particular bit of ancient Roman and personal life history.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday June 10th
2018.
Brutus Campbell: White Supremacist Idiot and Asshole Extraordinaire
Brutus Campbell: White Supremacist Idiot and Asshole Extraordinaire
Many of the conversations British MP Renfield R. Renfield was having with the ghost of Sir Winston Churchill these days centered on the rising Neo-Nazi movement in the world.
Churchill’s ghost and Renfield would often work late into the night discussing the dangerous and growing phenomenon.
The backbone of the global Neo-Nazi movement was a Neo-Nazi billionaire called Robur Pike who lived in Havana, Cuba of all places.
The reason Pike chose Havana is because it was supposed to be the capital of a racist and slave owning empire visualized by Pike’s DNA genetic father Albert Pike (a racist Confederate civil war Brigadier General and the head of American Scottish Rite Freemasonry in the late 19th Century whose locks of hair a Nazi scientist (brought to America through the post WWII Operation Paperclip) used to clone in a laboratory in Knoxville Tennessee back in 1966 to genetically create Robur Pike) but unfortunately for Pike, the Confederacy lost the Civil War thanks to Robert E. Lee telling Pike in Jefferson Davis’ Confederate Presidential office in a heated exchange between the two generals that there was no way on God’s green Earth that he was going to accept the help of racist slave owners in Brazil to create a race based slave empire across the southern United States, Mexico, Central America, the islands of the Caribbean and northern South America including Brazil.
If Jefferson Davis accepted the Pike Plan, he Lee would join forces with the Union.
So the refusal of foreign intervention by wealthy Brazilian landowners on behalf of the Confederacy ensured the Union’s victory.
Today leftist Marxist and anarchist assholes in the U.S. are demanding that all statues of Robert E. Lee be torn down or removed from public view while nary a peep is raised about statues of the openly racist, white supremacist and swastika worshiping Albert Pike (yes Pike worshiped the Swastika and praised the Aryan race at Thule the capital of a supposedly superior white civilization in Northern Europe called Hyperborea- he was a Nazi even before there was a Nazi movement in Germany) being on open display in various locales across the U.S. including Washington DC.
Renfield was also informed by a close source in Calgary, Alberta, Canada that there was a house painter in that city (appropriately the same trade that Germany’s future Fuhrer was as a young man) called Brutus Campbell who was openly calling for the deportation of all blacks, Asians and even native indigenous aboriginal First Nations (who were actually here first in the Americas before anyone else) from Canada and make Canada a whites only country.
Hitler’s ghost and Albert Pike’s ghost were still going strong even in the world of the 21st Century.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday June 8th
2018.
Disclaimer: Any resemblance between assholes living or dead is purely intentional.
Dogs Instinctively Know Bad People From Good
July 12, 2018 at 10:42 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, News, Politics, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Donald Trump, Panty Goatee, Rev. Fr. Aidan Bury Saint Edmunds, Samhain Cardinal Salaman, The Neo-Modernist Cerberus For Our Times, The Reincarnated Hound of The Baskervilles)
Dogs Instinctively Know Bad People From Good
Peter Whitstable the Fox Mulder of Interpol received an email from New York City’s Interpol office saying that the Mexican Consul-General in New York City Juan Diego Garcia had been assassinated by an unknown female assassin by one of the side doors of the Episcopal Cathedral of Saint John the Divine in New York City.
Senor Garcia had gone to Saint John the Divine for a meeting with some of the city’s church ⛪, mosque 🕌 and synagogue 🕍 clergy to discuss an organized religious opposition to Donald Trump’s proposed wall on the U.S. – Mexico border.
Due to his sudden beheading by the sexy unknown female assassin who pulled a carving knife from her panties underneath her skirt, he was unable to attend the meeting.
Interpol New York asked Whitstable if he knew the identity of the unknown woman who was captured on video camera and whose video of her criminal action went viral on the Internet.
. . .
U.S. President Donald Trump was attending a sculpture unveiling outside The Trump Arms pub in London.
He was applauded by a group of 100 Trump supporters, Brexit opponents and ultra British nationalists.
Police were on hand to hold back the crowds of Trump opponents which was 90% of the City of London.
Trump had had a hectic past couple of days.
He spent yesterday at the NATO summit insulting German Chancellor Angela Merkel and spent today in London insulting British Prime Minister Theresa May.
How To Win Friends and Influence People was definitely not a bestseller Mr. Trump would be writing anytime in the near future.
The statue he would be unveiling tonight would be of himself Donald Trump depicted as a statue called Christ of The Sermon On The Wall.
The sculpture was done by an ultra-nationalist English Brexit supporter and immigrant opponent.
The sculpture showed Trump in Christ like robes and Christ like pose delivering a sermon standing on a wall dividing the U.S. from Mexico rather than the Mount of Beatitudes near Capernaum where Jesus of Nazareth once preached.
Standing in the crowd awaiting the unveiling with a huge smile on his face was the recently created Vatican Cardinal Samhain Salaman the newly installed Archbishop of the newly created Welsh diocese of Llanthony Abbey and The Black Mountains.
Up until a few months ago, Salaman had been a professional stage magician and master illusionist who performed under the stage name Salaman The Magician.
“Ladies and gentlemen and those of you who are miserable opponents,” Trump began his speech, “I very much deserve this great honour that has been bestowed upon me- being depicted as Christ the Saviour of The World. In my humble and modest opinion, no one living on the earth at this moment in time deserves it more. As you know this coming autumn, my son-in-law Jared Kushner will be unveiling a comprehensive Middle East peace plan that will win me this year’s Nobel Peace Prize and we’ll all be able to finally shout in words I believe that Christ himself once used, “Peace and safety.”
The crowd immediately in front of The Trump Arms Pub applauded.
“The Romans which included that Roman who was most like me- Julius Caesar had a saying, “Unleash the dogs of war”, Trump laughed, “but with this statue unveiling, I say unleash the doves of peace.”
Trump unveiled the statue and standing there growling were two monstrously huge demonically possessed dogs- a giant spectral wolfhound and a three headed Saint Bernard with the head of a Rottweiler, the head of a Bassett Hound and the head of a chihuahua for its three heads.
The giant spectral wolfhound who was the Reincarnated Hound of The Baskervilles had been a Dachshund called Bashful prior to becoming demonically possessed.
And the three headed Saint Bernard with the head of a Rottweiler, Bassett Hound and chihuahua who was called the Neo-Modernist Cerberus For Our Times had been a Welsh corgi called Friendly before becoming demonically possessed.
The two dogs had become demonically possessed as a result of fooling around with a Ouija board.
An exorcism attempt had been performed on the pair by the Rev. Father Aidan Bury Saint Edmunds the vicar of Saint Swithin’s By The Floodwaters Parish Church and his volunteer assistant Tewkesbury In The Cotswolds MP Renfield R. Renfield.
The demonic duo however had broken their iron chain and leash that held them and bounded into the English countryside where they somehow managed to end up under the tent that covered the now vanished statue of Trump As The Christ of The Sermon On The Wall.
Samhain Cardinal Salaman The Magician smiled as he pulled the actual handkerchief of Queen Anne Boleyn out of his pocket.
The two demon possessed dogs meanwhile chased Trump into the arms of the Baby Trump temper tantrum throwing rubber inflatable that had just become dislodged from its moorings.
. . .
Meanwhile a video surfaced showing another dog’s reaction to a rising young American political leader New York’s 14th Congressional District Democratic Party nominee Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez:
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday July 12th
2018.
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