Pan Goatee Slays Uglos On 70th Anniversary of Nixon’s Checkers Speech
It was the 70th Anniversary of Nixon’s Checkers speech.
70 years ago today on September 23rd 1952, then California Sen. Richard M. Nixon gave a speech in order to save his political hide from what was perceived as an impropriety in receiving gifts from donors.
There was the possibility that Nixon might be dropped from the Republican National Ticket as General Dwight David Eisenhower’s Vice-Presidential running mate for the upcoming November 1952 U.S. Presidential election.
So Nixon gave a speech in which he said that he had a dog named Checkers and that his wife Pat had a good Republican cloth coat not a mink coat.
The speech caught the imagination of the American people so thousands sent messages to the Republican National Committee asking that Nixon be kept on the ticket.
He was.
70 years later in honour of the occasion, two black and white Cocker Spaniel dogs were playing checkers on the sidewalk in celebration.
The world famous genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee walked by.
He was always happy to see four legged dogs.
Not so happy to see two legged dogs.
A really pathetic ugly woman walked by wearing a mini skirt.
“With a face like yours, even wearing a mini skirt doesn’t make you more attractive,” Goatee commented as he beheaded the uglo and cut her up into 999 trillion pieces.
“There goes my Calgary Legal Aid Defense Lawyer,” a low IQ moron started to weep.
Goatee went into an Asian Specialty Food Store where he enountered another repulsive uglo.
Likewise he beheaded her and cut her up into 999 trillion pieces.
“There goes my Calgary Legal Aid Defense lawyer,” a moronic looking man, who still held his mask in one hand (neglecting to put it on) and a gun in the other to rob the place, started to weep.
Goatee beheaded the man and cut him up into 999 trillion pieces.
Then Goatee went to catch the bus.
A fat ugly blimp got off the bus so Goatee beheaded her and cut her up into 999 trillion pieces.
A man wearing a raincoat, who was going down the street opening his raincoat and exposing himself, started to weep, “Hey, there goes my Calgary Legal Aid Defense Lawyer.”
In a flash, Goatee beheaded the man and cut him up into 999 trillion pieces.
Goatee decided to go catch another bus instead.
Most of the women on that bus were beautiful and so were in no danger from Pan (at least in terms of beheading and bodily dismemberment).
The one uglo on the bus was wisely sitting at the back and unlike most brainless uglos in the City of Calgary made no attempt to approach the genetically created satyr serial killer.
So Pan spared her.
Pan then got off the bus to catch another bus that would take him home.
As he ran to catch that neighbourhood bus, some moronic asshole was blocking the sidewalk with a shopping cart that was piled high with 20 different suitcases.
Afraid he’d miss his bus, Goatee beheaded the man and cut him up into 999 trillion pieces.
The suitcases fell on top of Alberta’s Neo-Fascist Premier Jason Kenney who hated the poor.
That’s why Kenney only hired ugly women to be defense lawyers for the province’s Legal Aid Societies that were financed by the provincial government.
No self-respecting poor person would want to be represented by a lawyer that repulsively ugly so they’d automatically plead guilty (to forego a trial in which they’d be represented by some super uglo defense lawyer who was as brainless as she was ugly) and Kenney could throw them in jail.
That way he could tell his fellow provincial counterparts at Canadian Premiers’ Conferences that Alberta had no poor people (since they were all in jail).
Goatee ran to catch the bus.
An uglo got off.
So Goatee beheaded the uglo and cut her up into 999 trillion pieces.
Neo-Bolshevik Communist demagogue Dr. Joe Vipond (the man who pushed most strongly for compulsory masking in the province throughout the plandemic and also for compulsory vaccination) like most Neo-Bolshevik Communist rich people was a tightwad and a cheapskate when it came to spending his own money instead of taxpayers’.
So Vipond wept, “There goes my Calgary Legal Aid Defense lawyer.”
Goatee beheaded the Neo-Bolshevik Communist physician and cut him up into 999 trillion pieces.
-A vampire novel chapter
Written by Christopher
Friday September 23rd
2022.
Dr. Nachash Naga’s Nightmare
NASA administrator Dr. Nachash Naga hit the roof when the launch of Artemis 1 was scrapped yet again.
As his secretary Deborah called for someone to repair the roof, Dr. Nachash Naga threw his model of the Artemis 1 rocket across the room breaking it into a million piecea.
“What went wrong?” Dr. Nachash Naga demanded to know.
Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster adjusted his lobster antennae in his lobster tank at Set Enterprises in London, England in order to pick up the best imagery and audio of what he was seeing.
Michelangelo still wasn’t sure whether this was a vision or a dream.
“Well,” Nimrod the little green frog who was now serving as a special advisor to NASA (having built the Tower of Babel in man’s first attempt to reach the heavens before he wound up in a UFO crash and was later turned into a little green frog by Lilith the ancient Babylonian vampiress) spoke, “We thought we had a deal with the Greek goddess Artemis after Joe sacrificed one of his unknown daughters to her in Philadelphia before he gave his Nazi Fascist Fuhrer speech in Philadelphia that same night.”
“So what happened to that deal?” Dr. Nachash Naga sucked the life out of an apple.
“Well last night,” Nimrod explained, “someone posted a video on YouTube of senile old Joe shooting and killing a second deer sacred to Artemis last fall. Artemis saw the video and posted a comment, “I am so absolutely furious right now. The winds that stopped King Agamemnon’s fleet from sailing towards Troy are even now sucking the hydrogen out of the Atlas 1 moon rocket as we speak.” And sure enough today’s launch was postponed as a result of a hydrogen leak.”
“Bugger,” Dr. Nachash Naga swore.
“I’m sorry, I don’t do that anymore,” the ghost of Oscar Wilde said as he appeared, “I don’t know what joker in the realm of Hades sent me here as soon as you spoke that noun. I had to spend several years in Purgatory as a result of doing that in my own lifetime. As the people who are joyfully participating in tomorrow’s Sodomite Pride Parade in Calgary will discover when they cast off this earthly coil. They’ll be spending a lot of time in Purgatory. That is if they aren’t sent directly to Tartarus.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday September 3rd
2022.
Joe Biden Speaks In Philadelphia: “This Is My Struggle…”
Yaldabaoth the Irish leprechaun was visiting the Killarney lakes to see his friend Dr. Donegal Dundee the famous leprechaun scientist.
“So what are you up to these days, Don-Dun?” Yaldabaoth asked.
“Well I’ve recently been hired by Vladimir Putin to work in collaboration with South African witch doctor Dr. Sterling Makabo to raise the mad monk Rasputin from the dead at his grave in Tsarskoye Selo,” Dr. Donegal Dundee explained while drinking a glass of fine Jameson Irish Whiskey, “Dr. Makabo is going to raise Rasputin from the dead. The only trouble is people that Dr. Makabo raise from the dead look like zombies. And Vladimir Putin can’t stand looking at zombies (he has an antipathy to “woke” U.S. Democratic Party voters). So Makabo is going to raise Rasputin from the dead and I’m going to use my unique blend of Guinness, Murphy’s and O’hara’s Irish Red specially crafted embalming fluid (the one most recommended at funeral parlours in Ireland which is why Irish crematoriums were condemned at last year’s Glasgow Climate Change Summit as a major cause of global warming and a dire threat to the planet although the earth mother goddess Gaia would probably die happy) to make Rasputin look human again when he comes back from the dead.”
“You do know that Vladimir Putin is a Neo-Czarist and a Neo-Russian Imperialist who fancies himself a reincarnation of Czar Peter the Great?” Yaldabaoth raised an eyebow.
“I do know that,” Dr. Donegal Dundee painted Yaldabaoth’s raised eyebrow green.
. . .
“That was quite the speech Joe Biden gave in Philadelphia last night,” Dr. Nachash Naga mentioned to another NASA official, “It was a good and fortunate thing that it turned out that one of his daughters lived in Philadelphia so it appears that the Artemis 1 moon rocket launch is a go tomorrow.”
Dr. Nachash Naga’s secretary Deborah frowned as she listened to the conversation.
What the Hell did Dr. Nachash Naga mean by that?
. . .
British MP Renfield R. Renfield was doing a Friday night podcast.
He did the podcast wearing a t-shirt that said DEFUND THE FBI.
“This is what Joe Biden looked like delivering his speech in Philadelphia last night when he said that Donald Trump and MAGA Republicans are a threat to democracy.” :
Said Renfield, “Any photographic resemblance between Joe Biden’s arm gestures and facial expressions and the arm gestures and facial expressions of a certain late Fuhrer of 1930s and early 1940s Germany is no doubt purely coincidental.
As is no doubt any resemblance used between the silhouette background colours used by both speakers at their selected rallies.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday September 2nd
2022.
Joe Biden Asked To Perform An Agamemnon
The Greek goddess Artemis being serenaded by musicians who were brought to life from a mural painting
“Who is Aeschylus?” Vice-President Kamala Harris asked one of her aides.
“He was an ancient Greek playwright who lived from approximately 525 BC to 456 BC and is believed to have written anywhere from 70 to 90 plays,” her aide answered, “He is considered the Father of Tragedy. In fact his ghost is believed to have written the recent Inflation Reduction Act. In fact on the night of April 4th 1968, Bobby Kennedy quoted from Aeschylus while addressing Afro-American voters in Indianapolis, Indiana when he had to break the tragic news to them that the Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King had been assassinated. The Aeschylus quote was this:
“Even in our sleep, pain which cannot forget falls drop by drop upon the heart until, in our own despair, against our will, comes wisdom through the awful grace of God.”
-Aeschylus
“What were some of his plays?” Kamala asked.
“Well he once wrote a trilogy of plays about the family of King Agamemnon of Mycenae the fellow who commanded the Greeks during the Trojan War,” her aide replied, “The trilogy was called The Oresteia named after Orestes who was a son of King Agamemnon.”
“Rather ironic you should be talking about The Oresteia,” remarked a leading high-ranking NASA official as he walked by on his way to the Oval Office to see Joe Biden.
“Ironic? How so?” Kamala inquired.
“That’s on a need to know basis and you don’t need to know,” the NASA official replied.
The FBI agent accompanying the NASA official was a Neo-Bolshevik Communist (like most FBI agents are these days) and did not understand the classical allusions that were being thrown around.
This entire scene was part of a dream (or was it a vision?) being seen by Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster in his lobster tank at Set Enterprises Laboratories in London, England.
The name of the high-ranking NASA official was Dr. Nachash Naga.
He was on an important mission for NASA.
The Artemis 1 moon rocket was supposed to have been launched this past Monday August 29th 2022 but then something happened and the launch was postponed until this Saturday September 3rd 2022.
But even that might be postponed further because of new information that had come up.
Unless…
“Mr. President,” Dr. Nachash Naga addressed the Pooper-In-Chief, “We need you to do something for us.”
“Glad to oblige,” Biden ate a piece of Ex-Lax.
“Mr. President, we have a problem and it isn’t Houston,” Dr. Nachash Naga explained, “Do you remember last fall when you went deer hunting?”.
“Um, I don’t actually,” answered the Pooper-In-Chief who suffered from dementia.
“Well, you shot and killed a deer,” Dr. Nachash Naga pointed out.
“Good for me,” Joe Biden grinned.
“Well that turned out to be a bad thing, Mr. President,” Dr. Nachash Naga hissed, “It turned out that the deer you shot and killed was a deer sacred to the Greek goddess Artemis.”
“Who is Artemis?” Joe Biden looked at a photo of the Belvedere Apollo and wondered if he should invite the sculpted statue to join his cabinet.
“Artemis was the Greek goddess of the hunt and wild animals as well as the Greek goddess of the moon,” Dr. Nachash Naga flashed his incisors, “and as a result of your killing that deer sacred to her, she is preventing the Artemis 1 rocket from being launched.”
“So, what can I do about it?” Joe Biden scratched his diaper rash.
“Well when King Agamemnon of Mycenae slew and killed a deer sacred to Artemis and the goddess prevented the Greek fleet from sailing towards Troy as punishment, Agamemnon was forced to sacrifice his daughter Iphigenia to Artemis to appease her wrath.”
“So what do you want me to do?” Biden put on Kamala Harris’ high school Dunce cap.
“We want you to sacrifice your daughter to Artemis in the next couple of days to appease her wrath so we can get the Artemis 1 moon rocket launched this coming Saturday,” Dr. Nachash Naga began filing his fingernails.
“Can I sniff her hair before I sacrifice her?” Joe Biden asked.
“Of course, Mr. President,” Dr. Nachash Naga looked exasperated.
“Wait,” Joe Biden suddenly had a moment of clarity after taking a Claritin tablet, “Jill might be rather pissed at me if I sacrifice Ashley.”
“Joe, I have a suggestion,” Barack Obama delivered his instructions into Joe’s earpiece as he always did, “Did you ever have any extra marital affairs?”.
“I can’t remember,” Joe was trying to remember the tune of the Bob Hope song Thanks For The Memory.
“Well ask some of your FBI agents to stop sifting through Donald Trump’s underwear and try to track down any extra marital affairs you might have had and any children you might have had particularly girls,” Obama explained, “Then you can sacrifice that daughter from an extra marital affair.”
“Gee, I wonder if any are still alive,” Biden picked his nose, “This is one occasion when I wish I hadn’t been so gung ho for abortion.”
“Just send out the FBI, Joe,” Obama barked, “Find any surviving daughters from those extra marital affairs and just do the damned sacrifice. We’ve got to get to the moon before Vladimir Putin and Jackie Gleason’s wife Alice do.”
Meanwhile in Hunter Biden’s room, he was being visited by the ghost of a beautiful young Greek girl named Electra.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday August 31st
2022.
North By Northwest: Red August of The Sturgeon Moon
Cary Grant and Eva Marie Saint in Alfred Hitchcock’s 1959 film North By Northwest
Alfred Hitchcock’s 1959 film North By Northwest starring Cary Grant and Eva Marie Saint is a tale of spies, danger and intrigue.
And Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster was in his lobster tank at London’s Set Enterprises watching the film on his waterproof 72 inch widescreen flat screen TV.
Why was Michelangelo watching this film on this night of all nights?
Therein hangs a tale.
Quite possibly a fish tale (fish tail).
Tonight was the night of the full moon- the August full moon – called the Sturgeon Moon.
It is said among fishermen that the best night to catch sturgeon was on the night of the Sturgeon Moon (the August full moon).
Interestingly enough tonight’s full moon- the August Sturgeon Moon- will be the last supermoon of this year.
This Sturgeon Moon will be the fourth supermoon in a row after the Buck Moon in July, Strawberry Moon in June and Flower Moon in May.
A celestial meteor shower will also be seen tonight in conjunction with this year’s last Supermoon.
Anyhow since tonight’s full moon is a Sturgeon Moon (and a Sturgeon Supermoon at that) and it is said among fishermen that the best night to catch sturgeon was on the night of the Sturgeon Moon, Michelangelo’s employer the London based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set decided to go fishing in Canada’s Northwest to catch sturgeon.
And it was then that Renfield mentioned the film North By Northwest to Michelangelo.
So Michelangelo was watching the movie.
In the film version that Michelangelo was watching, the film’s villain Phillip Vandamm (played by James Mason) says, “One day our side of the Cold War will take over the American FBI.”
. . .
The United States’ Neo-Bolshevik Communist Attorney-General Merrick Garland was holding a press conference discussing the Neo-Bolshevik Communist FBI raid on Donald Trump’s Mar-a-Lago estate.
As he took questions, he was suddenly confronted by the ghost of famous American criminal trial lawyer and defense attorney Johnnie Cochran.
Said Cochran to Garland,
“You’re a Marxist-Leninist man
Who belongs in the nearest trash can
Mark my words
You pile of turds
The day of reckoning is soon at hand
And you won’t have a leg to stand
You’re always seeking to intimidate
Cause you have no tool to use to masturbate …”
. . .
At the Vatican, Pope Francis was looking flashed and flushed after having spent the day meeting with members of Rome’s transvestite transexual prostitute community.
This was the fourth time this year that the pontiff had met with the group.
A statement issued from the Vatican Press Office said that Pope Francis was offering spiritual comfort to them.
Now Pope Francis was getting his daily briefing of world events from one of his Jesuit aides.
When the aide had finished, Francis directed him to “find out which entity it was who had hired the ghost of Johnnie Cochran to act as Donald Trump’s ghostly defense attorney.”
-A vampire novel chapter
Written by Christopher
Thursday August 11th
2022.
The Dance of Salome: Red August
A woman called Salome had suddenly appeared in the West Wing of the White House.
She was dressed in a beautiful sparkly yellow Middle Eastern dress and stood against a beautiful white faux fireplace.
No one noticed the woman because there was no one in that particular room.
A few minutes later secret service agents entered the room.
They were not surprised to see a beautiful and attractive young woman in it.
One of the secret service agents spoke into his ear piece, “Hello, Roger Bear, this is Tweety Bird. Brown Diapers Old Pervert and Powdery Nose Young Pervert are now approaching.”
Brown Diapers Old Pervert and Powdery Nose Young Pervert were the secret service code names for Joe Biden and Hunter Biden respectively.
The father and son entered the room together.
Both said “Wow!” simultaneously when they saw Salome.
Hunter Biden pulled his pants and jockey shorts down and started doing what teen boys of the 1970s used to do when they saw a Playboy centerfold for the first time.
Joe Biden moved in to sniff Salome’s hair.
Salome flattened him with a kick of her shoes.
She then started dancing.
Joe Biden smiled like the Cheshire Cat.
“What can I get you?” Biden asked.
“The head of Archbishop Carlo Maria Vigano on a silver platter,” Salome answered.
“Who’s Archbishop Carlo Maria Vigano?” Biden asked and scratched his head.
. . .
Pope Francis received a phone call from a spiritist medium in Rome who told him that the ghost of King Herod Antipas had acquisced to his request.
. . .
Joe Biden’s scumbag Neo-Bolshevik Communist Attorney-General Merrick Garland was holding a meeting with the ghosts of Lavrentiy Beria (head of Josef Stalin’s NKVD Soviet secret police) and Jeffrey Epstein (pervert extraordinaire) to discuss the Neo-Bolshevik Communist FBI raid of Monday August 8th 2022 on Donald Trump’s Mar-a-Lago Florida estate.
. . .
Gender confused and pronoun paranoid anchorpersons at CNN were holding a televised discussion in which they were glowingly discussing the FBI raid on Donald Trump’s Mar-a-Lago home in Florida.
They had just moved on to discussing what contents might have been found in Donald Trump’s safe when the FBI opened it.
It was at that moment that the ghost of O.J. Simpson defense attorney Johnnie Cochran appeared live on camera and joined the roundtable discussion.
Said Cochran as he took a deck of cards out of his coat pocket, “The FBI didn’t go to Trump’s Mar-a-Lago residence to find evidence, they went there to plant it. I just can’t stand it.”
As the CNN anchorpersons gazed at one another in bewilderment, Cochran continued.
The famed celebrity defense attorney pulled a condom out of his pocket and stated, “If the safe don’t fit, you must acquit.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday August 10th
2022.
Freedom Loving Cowboys Hang Communist Judge
How Communists would have been dealt with in the Wild West
The ghost of Howard Cosell was once again covering the aesthetic beautification crusade of world famous genetically created satyr Pan Goatee.
Said Cosell’s ghost, “A fat ugly blimp is walking by Pan Goatee. What an airhead. She is immediately beheaded and cut up into 999 trillion pieces. How close is that to infinity? I have no idea.
Pan Goatee is now walking across the street. Egad! Here comes another airheaded fat ugly blimp. She too is walking by Pan Goatee. She is wearing headphones and has no idea of her surroundings. Well there goes her fat ugly head along with her headphones being separated from her fat ugly body and hitting the sidewalk. Now she is being cut up into 999 trillion pieces. Ares the Greek god of war is picking up the remains and taking them down to Tartarus.
Pan Goatee is now waiting for a bus. Two buses are arriving at the same time. The satyr serial killer needs the second bus. He runs in the direction of the second bus. A repulsive looking uglo gets off the back door of the first bus. The airheaded uglo tries to walk in front of the running Pan Goatee. Off goes the uglo’s head. Now she is being cut up into 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x infinity and beyond pieces.
This uglo’s remains are likewise taken down to Tartarus by Ares.
Now my next assignment is to go track down a demon buffalo who wants to meet Pope Francis to have an interfaith dialogue when he visits Alberta next week. So it’s good night from me, Happy Howard.”
. . .
Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster was having a vision.
The vision was of a Communist judge in Ontario ordering the arrest of Albertans for being political dissidents against the Neo-Stalinist rule of Canada’s Neo-Stalinist tyrant Justin Trudeau.
The Communist loving Gestapo (as Charles Dickens would probably phrase it, this post-plandemic totalitarian Great Reset world was “the most confusing of times”) in the scumbag Ottawa Police Service had ordered Canada wide warrants for the arrest of freedom loving Albertans.
These Albertans were then arrested and deported to the Neo-Bolshevik Communist and Neo-Fascist garbage infested wasteland that was the Canadian province of Ontario.
These Albertans were then denied bail by the Neo-Stalinist Communist judge Paul Harris.
In Michelangelo’s vision, freedom loving cowboys from Alberta had rented a dirigible from Set Enterprises in London, England.
The cowboys flew in the dirigible from Alberta to Ottawa, Ontario where they descended by rope on to the home of Communist judge Paul Harris.
The members of the Ottawa Police Service who were supposed to be guarding the Neo-Stalinist judge’s home were busy watching homemade videos by service members that were shot at Jeffrey Epstein’s Lesser Saint James Virgin Island (back when Jeffrey Epstein was still alive) on their cell phones.
The Neo-Stalinist scumbag Judge Harris was taken back up by rope to the dirigible.
He was then flown to the Canadian province of Alberta.
Like all Leftists who found themselves in captivity, Judge Harris started whining and snivelling and carrying on like a big crybaby.
The cowboys promised to take him to the train station.
That stopped Judge Harris’ whining for a bit.
Since the Communist judge had never watched the Kevin Costner Western TV series Yellowstone, he had no idea what the phrase “take you to the train station” meant.
When he was taken to the train station and saw the huge hangman’s rope hanging from the tree next to the station, he started to bawl.
As the rope was placed around Ontario Communist Judge Paul Harris’ neck, he saw the spectral figure of a demon buffalo in the crowd looking at him with glowing fiery red eyes.
Judge Harris’ footstool was then kicked out from under him and the Neo-Stalinist scumbag was hung.
A group of children then approached the Neo-Stalinist’s body carrying big sticks and began striking it again and again as if it were a pinata.
But no treats issued forth from the dead Commie’s body.
And Communist scumbag Paul Harris was very much dead.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday July 20th
2022.
Michelangelo’s Vision of Justin Trudeau At The Calgary Stampede
Justin Trudeau’s favourite children’s book
Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster was sitting in his lobster tank at Set Enterprises when he had a vision of Canada’s Neo-Stalinist tyrant Justin Trudeau attending this year’s Calgary Stampede.
The pompous and arrogant despot was injected (unknown to him) in the buttocks with truth serum.
The needle was injected by Set Enterprises’ 6 foot 8 tall invisible Welsh pooka bunny rabbit Harvey Tallbanger.
Justin Trudeau then proceeded to walk around the Stampede grounds.
The tyrant (under the influence of the truth serum starting to kick in) thought to himself, “My Satan, this city seems to have abnormally high numbers of fat ugly blimps (as well as other female uglos) in it. Pan Goatee certainly has his job cut out for him trying to bring aesthetic beauty to this city. But I better not say that aloud. Otherwise people may start to suspect that I’m not the feminist I pretend to be.”
Justin Trudeau then saw a group of First Nations people dressed in native headdress and clothing banging the drums and dancing and going, “Ay-yi-ay-yi. Ay-yi-ay-yi.”
Castro’s possible offspring remarked, “How does banging the drums and going ay-yi-ay-yi possibly compare with the great music that European culture has produced like the works of Bach and Beethoven? But I better not say that aloud. Otherwise people may start to suspect that I’m not the champion of indigenous people that I pretend to be.”
Justin Trudeau was then introduced to this year’s Stampede Native American Indian Princess.
“My Satan,’ Justin thought under the influence of the truth serum, “What a fat ugly blimp. Other years I was pleased to be introduced to the Stampede Native American Indian Princess because they were usually quite beautiful. But this year they picked a fat ugly blimp. Are First Nations women now trying to emulate their white female Calgarian fat ugly blimp counterparts? But I better not say that out loud. Otherwise people will definitely recognize that I’m only pretending to be a feminist and a champion of indigenous peoples.”
Michelangelo thought to himself, “I must upload this vision to Instagram.”
-A vampire novel chapter
Written Saturday July 9th
2022.
Renfield’s Monday Night Podcast For May 16th 2022
British MP Renfield R. Renfield, accompanied by his secretary, examines the many gifts he receives from Heads of State and Heads of Government in the Western world
Amadeus Emanon was sitting in his favourite London pub enjoying their delicious Fish ‘N Chips.
He was already on his seventh plate.
The pub’s radio was tuned in to his friend British MP Renfield R. Renfield’s Monday night podcast.
Began Renfield, “Kyiv Ukraine is rapidly becoming the photo shooting tourist holiday spot of choice for swamp creatures and bottom feeders…”
Amadeus took a sip of ale.
Renfield went on, “Recent visitors include Jill Biden, Justin Trudeau and Mitch McConnell…”
Amadeus ordered the pub’s Steak and Kidney Pie.
Noted Renfield, “Justin Trudeau, with his usual penchant for saying things totally moronic, said, “I have never visited a more enjoyable war zone.” Later the Prime Minister’s Office in Ottawa denied he had said this although the remark was picked up on a journalist’s tape recorder.”
Amadeus ordered another ale.
Renfield went on to his next news item, “In other news, the Prime Minister of Estonia demonstrates a fascinating example of how to view geopolitics from the perspective of a junior high school girl’s approach to boys.
The appropriately blonde in hair colour Estonian Prime Minister Kaja Kallas is apparently exasperated that Vladimir Putin’s phone line is so busy.
Says Kallas, “If you really want him to get the message that he’s isolated,” she says, boiling it down, “Don’t. Call. Him.”
Yes, that will show Putin all right.
Meanwhile The Economist Magazine continues to insist that Ukraine, aided and abetted by NATO leaders, will win the war.
Golly to be able to get the pot that The Economist staff members inhale and the crack cocaine they snort.
One can only imagine the titillating conversation that Estonian Prime Minister Kaja Kallas would have with one U.S. Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.
Oh to be able to watch all the flies on the wall commit hari kari in that room.”
Amadeus guffawed into his handkerchief.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday May 16th
2022.
Pan Goatee Beheads More Uglos While Arnold Schwarzenegger Meets His End In Michelangelo’s Vision
Krampus the demon dreams of beheading the demon Baphomet in a boxing ring
Following a boxing match in which his favourite boxer the living dead zombie boxer Gordon the Black Donnelly (of the infamous Black Donnelly clan of 19th Century Lucan Ontario) wins the Heavyweight Boxing Championship of the World, Krampus then stepped into the ring and beheaded the transgendered demon goat human freak Baphomet (who along with the demons Baal and Moloch was one of the patron demons of the U.S. Democratic Party).
Krampus then woke up.
It had all been a dream (and Baphomet’s nightmare).
His alarm went off.
His friend the genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee must have just beheaded and dismembered another uglo.
Pan Goatee was in downtown Calgary when he saw a really repulsive looking fat ugly blimp step on to a down escalator.
“You ugly looking spawn of the freak Baphomet and the Big Bang’s pompous pseudointellectual Sheldon Cooper’s fat ugly blimp of a girlfriend and later wife,” Goatee raised his astral laser machete, “you’re really going down.”
The satyr threw his machete in boomerang fashion.
The machete beheaded the fat ugly blimp and cut her up into 999 trillion pieces.
The ugly looking spawn of the freak Baphomet and the Big Bang’s pompous pseudointellectual Sheldon Cooper’s fat ugly blimp of a girlfriend and later wife was now dead.
Krampus arrived to pick up the remains.
Later Pan Goatee caught the bus home.
A repulsive thin ugly looking stoat and her moronic girlfriend came and sat down across from the satyr.
Goatee immediately beheaded the thin ugly stoat and cut her up into 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x infinity and beyond x 999 trillion x ad infinitum etc. etc. pieces.
The great Irish-Jewish American science-fiction writer George Finneganburg was trying to use an ancient Chinese abacus to keep track of the pieces.
“I wish I had the world famous cellist Tina Guo beside me helping me keep track,” Finneganburg sighed.
The world famous cellist Tino Guo sat down beside him in her sexy metallic leather mini dress.
“Maybe there really is a God,” Finneganburg was starting to reconsider his atheistic inclinations.
. . .
Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster was having a vision (or was it a dream) of various bozos getting their panties in a knot because of a sixth wave of Covid-19 (what generations prior to 2019 had called the common cold/flu).
One of those bozos getting his panties in a knot was former California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger.
“I can’t get into my panties,” the former bodybuilder complained to his pet goat.
He then made a video calling for compulsory lockdowns, compulsory masking and compulsory DeathVaxx vaccinations for everyone.
He then ended his video by telling American citizens and citizens of the world to “Screw your freedom.”
No sooner had the video ended than Schwarzenegger found his house invaded by British MP Renfield R. Renfield and his personal British Army brigade of Gurkhas.
Said Renfield, “Now that you’ve stepped into your father’s shoes, we found your dad’s old World War II Army uniform.”
The Gurkhas then fitted the ex-husband of Maria Shriver (and current husband of the former California governor’s pet goat) into his dad’s Austrian SS Army uniform.
Once he was in the uniform, a rope was put around Schwarzenegger’s neck and the rope was pulled to the ceiling while Schwarzenegger had his dad’s shoes (that he was wearing on his feet) placed atop a very tall stool.
The stool had a sign attached to it that said KICK ME.
“By the way,” Renfield smiled, “you won’t be back.”
The British MP then kicked the stool.
The Ex-Terminator was now exterminated.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday April 12th
2022.
Dracul Van Helsing 
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