Tom Brady and The Baphomet
Renfield R. Renfield was having lunch with his friends Amadeus Emanon and Angelique Dumont.
Renfield was having his favourite item on the menu- the Deluxe Dagwood Bumstead sized tuna fish sandwich.
“So anyways,” Renfield went on between huge mouthfuls of tuna fish, “it turns out that the aide to Rep. Nancy Pelosi spoke to stakeholders in both Blue Cross and Blue Shield insurance companies and assured them that there was no way Rep. Pelosi would allow for a national publicly funded single payer health care system. Hence I was right to advise my favourite American politian Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez to give Rep. Nancy Pelosi the raspberry she so richly deserved when the former arrived in Washington DC. Establishment Democrats are just as bad as Trump neo-Establishment Republicans in defending the interests of ordinary working class and middle class Americans but the pseudointellectuals who make up the editorial content and opinion of The New York Times and Washington Post haven’t figured that out yet. They’re still busy blaming the poor Russians for Trump’s victory in 2016. Have you noticed the Robert Mueller probe which has been going on and on have charged Trump’s cronies with all manner of felonies except collusion with the Russians? Trump and Pelosi may be divided when it comes to walls but when it comes to denying poor and sick Americans access to first rate quality health care, the Donald and Nancy are united as one. Egads that sickening imagery I just used in my last sentence I won’t be able to get out of my mind now.”
Renfield pushed aside his remaining half plate of the Deluxe Dagwood Bumstead Tuna Sandwich.
Amadeus (whose large appetite overcame any aversion he might have had towards Renfieldian imagery of Donald Trump and Nancy Pelosi engaged in conjugal relations even though both were excellent at screwing the country) promptly started to eat the sandwich.
“And then of course the New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady who may or may not have inflatable and deflatable balls,” Renfield added, “is now promoting Baphomet worship through the beer named in his honour.”
“Baphomet the trans-species and transgendered hybrid goat-human demon worshiped by the Knights-Templar, Eliphas Levi, Aleister Crowley and all those groups who object to public displays of the 10 Commandments?” Amadeus stopped eating (albeit momentarily).
“The very same,” Renfield nodded.
“I’d heard about that,” said Angelique Dumont who was an American vampiress from New Orleans (and therefore most definitely not a Tom Brady fan), “The Samuel Adams Brewing Company based in Boston is brewing a limited edition beer that celebrates Tom Brady as the GOAT (Greatest of All Time except in those moments when his balls start deflating). But the goat they use in the image is the Baphomet goat head.”
“Wow,” Amadeus managed to say between mouthfuls of the tuna.
“And of course the quarterback holding the ball on the beer can who happens to have the head of the Baphomet bears the #12 on his jersey which of course is Tom Brady’s number but 2012 is also the year that the famous French Lovecraftian inspired artist and painter P.H. Felinedamour mysteriously disappeared on the night of December 21st just as the Baphomet was seen standing outside his art studios,” Renfield remarked as he sipped his Chai tea.
“Wow,” Amadeus repeated his mantra for the evening the same way that Fox news commentators mindlessly and stupidly repeat the mantra word of Venezuela whenever they were confronted with Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s proposals for a publicly funded national healthcare system.
. . .
“Who are you?” New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady asked the ghostly white figure wearing the black mask who approached him.
“I am the ghost of Dr. Faustus,” the spectre replied, “the one who foolishly sold his soul to the demon Mephistopheles. I was recently granted temporary dispensational leave from Purgatory by Hades and Persephone the rulers of the Underworld to come warn you as Hades just happens to be a New England Patriots fan.”
“Warn me of what?” Brady spilled GOAT Beer all over himself.
“The Baphomet (whom you stupidly sold your soul to) will soon be coming for your soul,” Faustus sneezed an ectoplasmic sneeze all over the inside of his mask.
“But I was promised 7 Super Bowl titles in exchange for my soul,” Brady protested, “Just like Oliver Cromwell was promised 7 years of power as absolute ruler of Britain when he sold his soul to Lucifer the Devil himself. I only have 6 Super Bowl titles.”
“Yes, but the Antichrist might be coming soon,” Faustus took off his mask showing a heavily burnt and disfigured face, “and the Baphomet is afraid that in the confusion of the Apocalypse, your soul might somehow get away from him.”
“How the Hell is the Antichrist coming soon?” Brady asked.
“Well, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, Pope Francis, Talpiot (which is the Israeli equivalent of DARPA) and Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman are currently working on a strict timetable,” Faustus answered.
“Shit,” said Brady.
Faustus continued to walk down the street where he passed filmmaker Michael Moore in a pizzeria drinking GOAT Beer alongside the demon Baal and eating the pizzeria’s John Podesta pizza special.
-A vampire novel
written by Christopher
Wednesday February 6th
2019.
The Baphomet and Tom Brady merged in one on a GOAT Beer can.
Semiramis’ Early Valentine’s Day Present For Dracul While Andrew Cuomo Sacrifices A Pig To Greek God Zeus For Chinese New Year
Semiramis: “Happy Valentine’s Day, Mr. Van Helsing.”
“But it isn’t quite Valentine’s Day yet,” Van Helsing looked at his Latin sun dial wrist watch (which didn’t work quite so well at night) as he addressed the immortal Queen of Babylon.
“But it is Chinese New Year,” Semiramis smiled, “so I thought we’d take the Persian magic flying carpet that the ghost of Orson Welles left behind in the hotel and use it to fly to your old home town of Edmonton, Alberta, Canada and have dinner at the Blue Willow Restaurant there at your favourite table alongside the statue of Kwan Yin the Buddhist Mother Goddess of Mercy.”
“Or,” Dracul joked, “we could order take out from Lydo Chinese Food.”
He recounted their TV commercial musical song jingle from his childhood, “4-2-6- 5-0-5-0 (their phone number- Editor’s Note), if you’re hungry call the Lydo… now. Free delivery.”
“Van Helsing, shut up,” Semiramis commanded in a spanking dominatrix tone of voice that turned Dracul on.
. . .
Meanwhile in Washington DC, Donald Trump was giving his State of The (Dis)Union Address as the ghosts of Abraham Lincoln, Jefferson Davis, Robert E. Lee and Ulysses S. Grant watched from the public gallery.
It was deja vu all over again for the quartet.
. . .
In Beijing China, the Black Dragon had arranged for a Lunar New Year celebration for Chinese leader Xi Jinping.
A wild boar with an Apple iPhone in its mouth along with a real apple was brought in on a silver platter.
The wild boar was dressed in the Stars and Stripes of the American flag and the apple (fruit not iPhone) had a miniature Canadian flag on a toothpick along with a marijuana cigarette sticking out of it.
. . .
In the Episcopal Cathedral of Saint John The Divine in New York City, New York Governor Andrew Cuomo was sacrificing a live Vietnamese pot bellied pig to a statue of the Greek god Zeus that had been placed in the Lady Chapel.
Horrified looking holographic images of Miss Piggy and Kermit the frog (projected by the CERN Large Hadron Collidor in Switzerland) looked on in horror.
“Kermit, do something,” Miss Piggy shrieked.
“What can I do?” Kermit answered as he ate flies from a can of sardines whose expiry date had long since expired, “It ain’t easy being green.”
. . .
Sophia the Greco-Egyptian Gnostic goddess of wisdom stood alongside a marble bust of Pan the Greek satyr nature god (her one time lover) and addressed the ghost of Orson Welles.
“Do you know how my son Yaldabaoth the Irish leprechaun is celebrating Chinese New Year in Ireland?” Sophia remarked, “Drunk under several pints of Guinness and a pot of gold.”
“I should have done the same,” Welles’ ghost remarked while suffering an acute case of spectral ectoplasmic indigestion after having ordered the Hungry Ghost Plate Special at Ho Ho’s Chinese Food in the Hub Mall of Edmonton’s University of Alberta campus while a marriage proposal was happening in front of the express food concession stand.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday February 5th
2019.
The Cosmic Origins of P.H. Lovecat
His name was Peter Hieronymous Felinedamour.
P. H. Felinedamour for short.
He was an artist.
An artist inspired by the writings of H.P. Lovecraft.
Many Lovecraftian entities showed up in his paintings.
And in the art show that Dashwood Forrest (the Oscar Wilde admiring owner of the Dashwood Forrest Art Gallery in London) would be opening tonight in his gallery, the last painting that Peter Hieronymous Felinedamour ever painted – from December 21st 2012 (the same night that he disappeared) – would be on pre-eminent display in the middle of the gallery for this art show.
Dashwood Forrest was currently showing the painting to British MP Renfield R. Renfield and his date for this evening Lepardia Marango the cultural attache at the South African Embassy in London.
Renfield was bringing Lepardia to the gallery as a way of saying thanks to the cultural attache for saving the Transhumanist MP’s life this past weekend.
Lepardia had stopped an assasination attempt on Renfield by wrestling to the ground the Russian vampiress and FSB operative Svetlana Kireeva.
The incident occurred in the final match of a darts tournament being held at the Clytemnestra’s Revenge and Agamemnon’s Bathtub Pub and Beef House.
The wrestling match between mortal woman and immortal (unless staked through the heart) vampiress caused Renfield to lose the tournament by wrecking his final throw.
Svetlana had intended to assasinate Renfield by firing a poison dart at him with an Amazon tribesman’s blow gun.
Instead the dart hit the left foot of the American Jesuit priest Father Neville Barack Chamberlain (who was theological advisor to New York Cardinal Timothy Dolan advising His Eminence on how to take a firm stand on the most pressing doctrinal and moral issues of the day) causing a paralysis in the priest’s right testicle in an example of acupuncture and chi energy gone horribly wrong.
Lepardia and Renfield gazed at the P.H. Felinedamour painting entitled
Artemis, Cthulhu, Diana’s Sacred Deer and Hecate’s Familiar Black Cat With Clytemnestra Holding A Net and Agamemnon Screaming In The Nude In The Background.
“So that was the last painting he ever painted?” Renfield asked the London art gallery owner as he downed a reddish pink with shades of China blue shooter called Vincent Van Gogh’s Missing Ear.
Ariana Grande walked by in a slit skirted evening dress that prominently displayed her new “Barbecue Grill Finger” (in Japanese lettering) tattoo.
The singer was eating Honey Dipped Chicken Fingers from McDonalds.
No doubt Bill Clinton and the Rev. Jesse Jackson would have loved to have been flies on the wall (or even better, flies on the floor) as the lovely Miss Grande walked by.
“That is correct,” Forrest bowed to Renfield as Renfield crushed and killed a pair of flies on the floor with his right shoe.
Forrest’s personal secretary arrived on the scene to inform the Oscar Wilde lookalike London art gallery owner that his living dead Irish manservant and valet Mulligan the Irish zombie had just accidentally spilled barbecued chicken wings hors d’oeuvres down the evening dress of British Prime Minister Theresa May.
“Excuse me,” Forrest whispered to Renfield and Lepardia as his face turned as pale as the portrait of Dorian Gray and he rushed in the direction of the catastrophe.
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday February 4th
2019.
Ariana Grande: Showing off her “Barbecue Grill Finger” (in Japanese lettering) tattoo at the P.H. Lovecat (Felinedamour) Art Show.
Lepardia Marango Plans To Save Renfield’s Life While Andrew Cuomo Sacrifices A Groundhog For Groundhog Day
Lepardia Marango the cultural attache at the South African Embassy in London in a Film Noir genre style photo shoot with the ghost of classic filmmaker Orson Welles
Lepardia Marango was officially the cultural attache at the South African Embassy in London.
Unofficially she was a spy for the foreign branch of South Africa's intelligence service.
Today she was being a model for the ghost of Orson Welles who was doing a Film Noir genre style photo shoot using colour film photography.
Most of the great Film Noir movies of the 1940s and 1950s were shot in black and white although a few were shot in colour.
The 1982 film Blade Runner which could be seen as a Film Noir movie, classic 1940s style detective tale and futuristic sci-fi thriller combined in one was shot in colour.
As was the 1997 film L.A. Confidential (which was sort of a combination Film Noir genre style movie and classic early 1950s style crime police drama) shot in colour.
Now Welles' ghost was trying his spectral hand at shooting a Film Noir himself in colour.
Welles had recently been in Chicago caught in the polar vortex snow storm from Hell that had been caused by the Norse goddess called Hel.
But he got tired of being a spectator at tantric sex encounters where Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing was busy making out with various vampiresses, goddesses and women mystics.
So Welles returned to his current earthly home in London, England (Welles had been granted dispensational leave from Purgatory by Hades and Persephone the rulers of the Underworld in order to be able to serve as a spirit advisor to British MP Renfield R. Renfield along with the ghost of Sir Winston Churchill).
When the photo shoot was over, Lepardia Marango returned to her apartment.
While there, she received a text message from the South African cultural attache in Moscow (who was also a spy for the foreign branch of South Africa's intelligence service).
Apparently the Russian vampiress Svetlana Kireeva was in London where she was planning to assasinate British MP Renfield R. Renfield at a darts tournament at the Clytemnestra's Revenge and Agamemnon's Bathtub Pub and Beef House in London.
The plot had been arranged by Russia's Vladimir Putin, Turkey's Recep Tayyip Erdogan and Pakistan's Imran Khan (whom Renfield had threatened to blow his testicles off with a .44 Magnum unless Asia Bibi was allowed to leave Pakistan) and Svetlana had been selected to carry it out.
Lepardia entered the pub where she shouted "Stop!" causing Renfield to miss his shot and lose the tournament but saving his life.
. . .
New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo was in upstate New York where he would be sacrificing a live groundhog to show the world what a kind and compassionate person he was.
Joining him in the furry little weather prognosticator's sacrifice was Virginia Gov. Ralph Northam who mercifully was wearing a paper bag over his head so no one would recognize him now that his racist Ku Klux Klan college photo from 1984 had gone viral.
The groundhog was sacrificed in front of a statue of Hecate the Greek goddess of witchcraft.
Hecate: To whose statue the poor little groundhog was sacrificed
After the sacrifice, New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo received a text message from Pope Francis where the pontiff bestowed on the leading Democratic Party politician a special apostolic blessing.
Not far from the Bishop of Rome stood Allatallahbel the Vampiress Priestess of Baal who, along with the Vampiric Knights-Templar and the Headless Horseman of Sleepy Hollow, had taken over the Vatican back on October 13th 2017.
Allatallahbel the vampiress priestess of Baal who had recently dyed her hair red in honour of the recent Super Blood Wolf Moon.
"Well," Allatallahbel laughed, "It doesn't look like Vitae (which was the name of the little groundhog in Sleepy Hollow in upstate New York- editor's note) will be around to enjoy either a late spring or an early spring."
. . .
The Austro-Croatian mystic Maria Orsic calls out to Dracul Van Helsing in her hotel room in the Mysterious Goddess Hotel in Chicago,
"Once more for new time's sake please, Mr. Van Helsing."
. . .
Meanwhile in Nairobi Kenya, the Kenyan vampire huntress Megan Shimbiro had been informed that the Nazi vampire Franz Kohler undead and very very very late of the Ahnenerbe Nazi SS Occult Bureau was up to some sort of nefarious activity in Kenya.
The Kenyan vampire huntress Megan Shimbiro on the lookout for the Nazi vampire Franz Kohler of the Ahnenerbe Nazi SS Occult Bureau.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday February 2nd
2019.
The Black Dragon Awakens
There is an unknown shrine located in the Palace of The Emperors in Beijing’s Forbidden City.
And few there be that find it.
The shrine does have a Taoist priest (in a long line of Taoist priests throughout the millenia) that care for it.
But other than the priest, no one else knows.
But there have been some individuals throughout history who have always found the shrine.
And those individuals were generally China’s most malevolent Emperors.
In recent times, Chairman Mao Tse-tung had found it when he won control of the Chinese mainland in 1949.
The thing about the shrine is that when these malevolent Emperors and Mao had lived, the statue of the Black Dragon inside the shrine had disappeared only to return to the shrine upon the death of the said Emperors or Mao.
According to oral tradition passed down from priest guardian of the shrine to priest guardian of the shrine, the statue of the Black Dragon would come to life and serve as an advisor to the one who found the shrine during that individual’s lifetime.
On the Ides of March (March 15th) 2013, the statue had vanished, the priest guardian of the shrine had noted in the shrine’s official journal.
Of course the Black Dragon would not be walking the breadth and length of China as a dragon.
It was able to shapeshift into human form.
. . .
The MSS (Ministry of State Security) operative did not really enjoy working with the individual called Wang.
No one was too sure what Wang’s job was.
He just suddenly showed up one day at the MSS on March 18th 2013 with orders from the newly elected Central Committee that he was to be obeyed in all matters.
Wang was tall.
7 foot 6.
Very unusual for most Chinese.
And also very thin.
In fact Wang was described as a tall thin version of statues of the fat jocular version of the Chinese Smiling Buddha.
Except Wang was tall not short.
Thin not fat.
And definitely never smiled.
. . .
Mark Orillio was an American businessman who spent the past 5 years living and working in Shanghai.
Today that would be his curse.
The fact that he was American.
The day after Acting U.S. Attorney-General Matthew Whitaker had announced 13 criminal charges against Huawei CFO Meng Wanzhou and other Huawei executives had been formally laid.
For Justin Trudeau’s Canada, it was 2 Canadians in detention and another to be shot by firing squad for daring to arrest Meng.
For U.S. citizens, it would be a lot worse.
Orillio was grabbed from behind while crossing the street.
And tossed into a van.
Later in an empty warehouse, Wang had bodily dismembered Orillio.
The action had been videotaped.
The videotape would be sent to Whitaker’s office via the old fashioned post office method.
Other parts such as fingers, toes, elbows, knees and ankles would be mailed to various family members of Orillio living in the U.S.
His phallus would be mailed to his wife living here in Shanghai with the message, At least you got what the Egyptian goddess Isis never found.
And Orillio’s head would be mailed to Donald Trump at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue with the message, Do not mess with the China Flower Achievement.
Wang told the MSS operative that the messages were inspired by British MP Renfield R. Renfield’s finesse in dealing with Islamist terrorists.
“Gunboat diplomacy and now this,” the MSS operative thought to himself.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday January 29th
2019.
New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo Attends Baal and Baphomet Cocktail Party
New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo was spending his Sunday evening attending a cocktail party in honour of the demons Baal and Baphomet.
The party was being held on one of the top floors of the Empire State Building.
The party room had an excellent view of the ghost of the very late King Herod of Judea (recently granted a dispensation by Hades to briefly leave the Underworld at the request of Pope Francis) dancing around the spire at the top of One World Trade Center.
King Herod had bright almost neon bright translucent pink (rather than brown) pieces of ectoplasmic crap that fell out of his anus as it was sodomized by the spire of One World Trade Center while the latest number one hip hop song was played on a cosmic accordion by Hades’ 3-headed dog Cerberus.
“How delightful!” Andrew Cuomo laughed as he ate a barbequed baby rabbit’s foot and watched the spectacle.
The governor walked over to the statue of the Syrian Greek king Antiochus Epiphanes where the demon Baal stood in front of the statue carving roast pork and handing it out to party goers on plates.
Having picked up some roast pork, he then walked over to the statue and fountain of the Greek god Dionysus which showed Dionysus urinating what appeared to be human blood. The blood was in fact a combination of pig’s blood (according to spirit cook Marina Abramovic) and a pinkish style champagne.
Dionysus urinated the blood on top of the head of his Maenad (female disciple) the Theban princess Agave who was mutilating the body of and ripping off the head of her own son Pentheus.
The bloody pink champagne cocktail was served out in a glass by the demon Baphomet.
With glass of pink champagne in one hand and a plate of roast pork in the other, Gov. Cuomo walked over to some of the editors of the New York Times present at the party.
Not far from Gov. Cuomo stood Peter Whitstable the man they called the Fox Mulder of Interpol.
He was not here on official business but was on a date with a female Turkish diplomat invited to the party.
Whitstable was reading on his smart phone about how a Venezuelan hangman executioner had been ripped apart by a blue eyed white wolf and silver eyed black jaguar earlier this week when he attempted to hang the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec for plotting to overthrow Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro.
Coincidentally enough, the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec was herself in an office above this party getting ready to assassinate a Russian diplomat on behalf of British Intelligence.
She had decorated herself in temporary (albeit realistic looking) tattoos to lure the Russian diplomat who had a fetish for women with permanent tattoos.
Whitstable overheard Cuomo introducing the man who would be the next head of the agency overlooking New York State’s entire Hospital, Health Care and Medical Clinic System to the editors of the New York Times.
Whitstable heard the man speaking with a British accent.
So he looked up.
Whitstable gasped.
The man was the spitting image of the secret Black Museum photo of the real Jack The Ripper that Scotland Yard kept in its archives.
A photo that Whitstable as an Interpol detective had seen.
A man who was apparently an Immortal with the ability to shapeshift into a Kraken.
“Gentlemen, may I present Mr. Jack Locktopus,” Cuomo introduced the new head of the Health Care, Hospital and Medical Clinic Agency to the NYT editors.
The editors smiled at Cuomo’s choice.
A fact for which the New York governor took his Baphomet crucifix (personally blessed by the Jesuit priest Father James Martin) out of his pocket and made an upside down Sign of the Cross.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday January 27th
2019.
The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec getting ready to assassinate a Russian diplomat.
Vampiress Lilith and Satyr Bagpiper Pan Deux At Robbie Burns Day Dinner In Jerusalem
It was Robbie Burns Day and William Wallace Rob Roy James Stuart Douglas the British Deputy Consul at the British Consulate in West Jerusalem was hosting a Robbie Burns party in his West Jerusalem home.
William Wallace Rob Roy James Stuart Douglas had been the Scottish Nationalist Party (SNP) MSP (Member of the Scottish Parliament) for the Eildon Hills and the Intergovernmental Affairs Minister for Scottish First Minister Alex Salmond’s Scottish Parliamentary government prior to the September 18th 2014 Scottish independence referendum which the pro-independence side had lost.
To show there were no hard feelings after the referendum, then British Prime Minister David Cameron had named William Wallace Rob Roy James Stuart Douglas (who had been slated to become the first Foreign Minister for an independent Scotland) the British Deputy Consul in West Jerusalem.
So he and his Indian born wife Sangita Patel Douglas had moved to West Jerusalem along with their official family bagpiper the tartan kilt wearing hairy goat legged genetically created satyr bagpiper Pan Deux.
Pan Deux was the genetically created younger brother of world famous satyr serial killer and DARPA contract assassin Pan Goatee.
Both satyrs had been genetically created in a lab by Set Enterprises’ chief scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher.
Pan Deux since he was not injected with the DNA of the homicidal Siberian yeti (like his brother Pan Goatee was) but rather the more people friendly Himalayan yeti (Dr. Cadbury Rocher had used yeti DNA to make their legs furry and hairy as modern goat DNA didn’t seem to cut it), he wasn’t as homicidally inclined as his older cloned brother satyr was.
And in that respect Pan Deux wasn’t as malevolent as his older brother Pan Goatee was.
Although music lovers might disagree as most of the world’s music critics found Pan Deux’s bagpipe playing to be horrendous.
One music critic for The Jerusalem Post had in fact written that singer-songwriter Don McClean had had a prophetic vision of Pan Deux’s bagpipe playing the day he wrote the American Pie song lyrics “The day the music died…”
And the Mossad agent they called The Controller of The Golem had become personal friends with Mr. William Wallace Rob Roy James Stuart Douglas and his wife Mrs. Sangita Patel Douglas since they had arrived in Jerusalem a few years ago so he had been invited to the couple’s Robbie Burns party on this Friday night.
No doubt his rabbi wouldn’t be pleased to see him missing at this evening’s synagogue service but then eating haggis was a once in a lifetime experience.
And speaking of once in a lifetime culinary experiences, the Mossad agent’s White House source (let’s call him… Jared Kushner… in Jerry Seinfeldian fashion) had informed the Controller of The Golem that the reason why Donald Trump had caved in to Nancy Pelosi on the government funding issue was because last night the Donald had dreamed that he had died after eating 94 plates of lutefisk.
As if that wasn’t bad enough, the Donald had dreamed that he had been thrown into Hell after dying.
The Donald had angrily cried after being thrown toupee head downwards into the flames of Hell by the Archangels Michael and Raphael, “Who does this Jesus Christ guy think he is anyways? Telling me that I can go to Hell like that? God Incarnate or something?”.
The Controller of The Golem had also found out that Nancy Pelosi (namely because the Mossad had placed a camera and listening devices into the Congresswoman’s vibrator which she carried either in her purse or on her person at all times) the House of Representatives’ chief practicing witch had offered a sacrifice of frogs’ legs (done in a Buffalo barbeque style) to a statue of Hecate the Greek goddess of witchcraft in thanksgiving to Donald Trump caving in to her.
Silly Nancy was totally unaware that the Donald had sent the ghost of the insane Roman Emperor Nero as an incubus to appear to her and offer her a better bang for her buck than her long suffering vibrator.
And speaking of Hecate the Greek goddess of witchcraft, the Controller of The Golem had recently found out that Hecate had been beheaded a few years back when she had foolishly walked down the street in her ugly looking crone form at the same time that Pan Goatee was walking down the street.
Hecate’s skull was currently being kept in the High Altar of Saint Peter’s Basilica at the Vatican (on Pope Francis’ orders) as the unknown relic to be venerated.
The Controller of The Golem’s date for the Robbie Burns dinner at the Douglas home was the ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith who was wearing a lovely low-cut purple evening dress boldly advertising a nice pair of knockers that most of the male guests present at the dinner couldn’t keep their eyes off of.
A few years ago, Lilith had attempted to poison the Controller of The Golem by dropping a vial of Polonium-210 into his glass of Scotch while he was sitting in a pub in London, England.
The poisoning had worked because the Controller of The Golem had croaked (like the poor frog who was the subject of Nancy Pelosi’s Congressional Wiccan dissection sacrifice to Hecate).
Fortunately for the Controller of The Golem, Dr. Cadbury Rocher had brought him back from the dead.
But the Controller of The Golem was now willing to let bygones be bygones as far as Lilith was concerned.
He had run into the vampiress last night when she was skiing downhill on the southern slopes of Mount Hermon (the mountain where the angelic Watchers of Genesis Chapter 6 had landed millenia ago) in the Israeli controlled Golan Heights.
She had been skiing down the slopes while wearing a slit skirted jade green evening dress, very attractive tan pantyhose and spiked stiletto high heeled shoes.
The Controller of The Golem promptly asked her out for a date on the spot.
And the date was to attend tonight’s ritual slaughter of the haggis in the Douglas dining room in that ancient Robbie Burns Day dinner ritual known as the Presentation of the Haggis.
And now the haggis was being piped in on a silver platter in the dining room by the tartan kilt wearing hairy goat legged genetically created satyr bagpiper Pan Deux for the presentation of the haggis at this year’s Robbie Burns dinner.
William Wallace Rob Roy James Stuart Douglas then spoke the Address To A Haggis written by Robbie Burns before sacrificing the haggis with a ceremonial knife.
Belvedere the ghost of a ghost white salamander who was covering the West Jerusalem Robbie Burns dinner as a news correspondent for The Times of London winced when he saw the knife come down on the haggis.
Sangita Patel Douglas stood ready with a bowl of her delicious home made curry to pour on the haggis as most of those present didn’t really relish the idea of eating sheep’s guts on its own.
Pan Deux after playing the Piping In Of The Haggis on his bagpipes then played Some Enchanted Evening from the musical South Pacific on his bagpipes.
Lilith accidentally dropped a fork down the front of her evening dress and at least a dozen of the male guests present offered their assistance.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Robbie Burns Day
Friday January 25th
2019.
As a Robbie Burns Day dinner was held at the Douglas home in West Jerusalem, the Romanian vampiress dominatrix Ravenella Vampyrex stands ready to tomato the buns of Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu and Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman in a special ceremony to welcome in the world’s new Messiah.
At the same time, the Transylvanian Count Dracula was struck off his Google built AI robotic camel on the road to Damascus by a blinding light identifying itself as the Antichrist but added that Oprah Winfrey and Eckhart Tolle were advising the Count not to fear it.
The Time Has Come, The Walrus Said, To Stop Interbreeding With Humans
Pan Goatee was standing at the public transit train platform after a hard afternoon of laughing at Donald Trump’s tweets.
Earlier he had walked by an indoor sand box at an indoor day care center where a rather stupid looking young boy had said to a rather airheaded looking young girl, “Well if you’re going to cancel my State of The Union address, I’m going to cancel your taxpayer funded military flight to Afghanistan.”
“Kids these days,” Goatee thought to himself.
Of course the adults in this city were even worse particularly the large corps of repulsively ugly looking woman in the city.
One ugly looking creature (no doubt the product of some illicit liason between a human and a gargoyle that sent poor Quasimodo plunging to his death off Notre Dame’s bell tower when he saw the sickening spectacle that would inspire English metaphysical poet John Donne to state centuries later, “Ask not for whom the bell tolls.”) tried to walk in front of Goatee.
The genetically created satyr serial killer promptly beheaded the ugly looking creature.
Goatee later boarded a bus at another train station to get home.
An extremely aesthetically facially challenged fat ugly blimp (no doubt another abomination of desolation genetic hybrid of some stupid drunken Calgary male’s illicit interbreeding liason with a fat ugly female walrus along the banks of the Bow River during the sobriety challenged days and nights of the Calgary Stampede) boarded the bus and Goatee promptly beheaded the fat ugly blimp.
He then cut her up into 666 sextillion pieces with his astral laser machete.
One Master’s Degree in Psychology student on the bus wondered to himself if this was an example of the toxic masculinity that the American Psychological Association and the latest new Gillette ads were warning people about.
“Well,” Pan Goatee, who had been developing his psychic powers for DARPA by staring at his own goat’s legs, answered the psychology student’s subconscious question, “My masculinity is certainly toxic for fat ugly blimps who are of course themselves highly toxic to earth’s aesthetic environment. Pope Francis should really praise my work in his next papal encyclical.”
When he got home, he noticed a fat ugly blimp walking kitty corner across from his house so he promptly beheaded her.
As he was about to cut the blimp’s head and body into 666 sextillion pieces (he seemed to have an obsessive compulsive disorder about that number Goatee thought to himself just like the Serbian-American inventor Nikola Tesla had an obsessive compulsive disorder about the number 3- he really should ask his psychiatrist about that at his next session), he received a text message on his Huawei smart phone that he wouldn’t be paid for this past month’s contract assassin work for DARPA as apparently his contract fell under the terms of the U.S. government shutdown.
“What the fuck!” Goatee foamed with rage, “DARPA scientists like Hyperion Sturm still get paid for developing AI robots for DARPA whose artificial stupidity would be second to none against AI assistants like Amazon’s Alexa and the Autoincorrect on the Samsung Galaxy tablet while I don’t get paid for bumping off high ranking bureaucrats in the Justin Trudeau government in an effort to make Donald Trump happy because he knows deep down in his cold metallic heart that Canada’s pot smoking boy wonder is a lot better looking than he is with his piss orange coloured toupee.”
Goatee immediately called his demon goat assistant Krampus the 2nd (genetically cloned from Saint Nicholas’ demon goat assistant on his December excursions throughout Bavaria and the former realms of the Hapsburg Austro-Hungarian Empire- the original Krampus) for assistance.
. . .
Donald Trump approached his bed.
He looked at the blankets and noticed there looked to be what appeared to be a head under his blanket.
Trump wondered whether he had pissed off any Russian racetrack owners lately.
He couldn’t ask his English butler and valet Lexington to look under the covers for him as Lexington had taken the evening off to go see the 1962 film The Manchurian Candidate that was playing at a Washington DC repertory theatre.
Finally Trump worked up the nerve to look under the covers himself.
He screamed the most bloodcurdling scream ever screamed in the history of the White House.
For there under the covers on his bed was the decapitated head of a hideous repulsively ugly fat ugly blimp.
Trump’s National Security advisor found the Donald a couple of hours later on his bedroom floor in a total state of shock clutching a pillow which had a picture of Marlon Brando as the Godfather on it while the Donald mumbled aloud the immortal words of England’s King Richard III in Act V Scene iv of William Shakespeare’s immortal play Richard III, “A horse, a horse! My kingdom for a horse!”.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday January 17th
2019.
Renfield: An Example of Traditional Toxic Masculinity?
Rahaf Mohammed at a press conference in Toronto Ontario Canada yesterday.
At a press conference in Toronto yesterday, Rahaf Mohammed thanked Canada for granting her asylum.
She also dropped her family surname al-Qunun as her family had disowned her.
British MP Renfield R. Renfield when interviewed by CBC Radio Canada on the subject thought that this was an excellent idea on her part.
Particularly as social networking conspiracy theorists in the U.S. might link her with Q-Anon the supposed Deep State operative in the U.S. government who claimed the Deep State were plotting to oust Trump and bring leftist Democrats to power.
“Al-Qunun to Q-Anon,” Renfield pointed out, “This might confuse Alex Jones and other people like him.”
Radio-Canada asked Renfield who he thought Q-Anon was.
“Q-Anon,” Renfield replied, “is a supernatural spirit dragon entity named Kannon Bosatsu who poses as an 11-faced 1000 armed bodhisatvva who’s worshipped at various Buddhist monasteries in Kyoto, Japan. He’s considered the God of Mercy by these Buddhist monks in Kyoto as well as by Pope Francis in the Vatican. This Kannon (from whom Canon Japanese cameras get its name) can also spell his name Qannon. He decided to shorten it to Q-Anon when posing as an informer Deep State deep throat to conspiracy theorists in the U.S. for the same reason that PBS hires British commentators to explain to American audiences what’s happening on BBC dramas shown on PBS since Americans presumably have no clue to be able to figure out the plot of these shows themselves. Kannon to Qannon to Q-Anon – all these supernatural entities hide their true identity in plain sight. So American conspiracy theorists will never be able to figure it out since they don’t have a British commentator to explain it to them. Just like they never bother asking themselves if Donald Trump truly wants to save America like Deep State operative Q-Anon supposedly does, then why at his recent televised statements on the topic of the Wall did Trump have Jesuit priests wearing Baphomet figures rather than Christ figures on their Crosses standing behind him on one occasion and then on another occasion having a guy wearing a Masonic Great Architect of the Universe insigna pin on his lapel standing behind him and then actually speaking on the issue of border security and the Wall? All these demonic operatives are appearing in plain sight, showing up on news clips they show on their own YouTube channels and the channel hosts don’t even notice it. And they also should be asking themselves this question, walls can keep people out, yes, but can’t they also be used to keep people in?”.
. . .
German Cardinal Walter Kasper was dressed as the Hitchcockian character of Norman Bates dressed as his mother to celebrate a Mass in honour of the demon Baphomet at the Vatican.
After kissing the Baphomet’s ass at the end of Mass, he then got on the phone to talk with Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman on the subject of extraterrestrials visiting Earth.
. . .
The ghosts of Liberace and Truman Capote (recently granted dispensational leave from the Underworld by the Greek god Hades and the Norse goddess Hel) were dancing in one another’s arms in front of the White House on Pennsylvania Avenue in Washington DC as Rep. Nancy Pelosi and Sen. Chuck Schumer stood and applauded.
They were dancing over the news that the American Psychological Association had recently declared “traditional masculinity” toxic.
“I always knew traditional masculinity was toxic,” Capote’s ghost lisped, “I just knew it.”
“I knew it too,” Liberace’s ghost lisped back.
“I knew it before you did,” Capote lisped higher.
“No, you didn’t,” Liberace lisped higher still.
“Yes, I did,” Capote lisped higher and higher.
Soon both ghosts were involved in a psychedelically coloured bathrobe catfight as each man used their immaculately manicured ghostly fingernails to try to scratch the other.
They later did the same in a Washington DC deli fighting over the last piece of quiche pie.
In the days before non-toxic masculine ghosts were freed from Hel.
. . .
Renfield R. Renfield stood facing reporters on the steps of the Westminster Parliament in London where his plans alongside British Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn to defeat Theresa May’s government on a non-confidence motion had gone up in smoke just as a Japanese Buddhist dragon with 11 faces and 1000 arms flew by while roasting marshmallows with his mouth.
“The vast majority of Members of Parliament have spoken,” Renfield stated and then added, “The bastards.”
Renfield was asked by a reporter about the growing influence of the #MeToo Movement and the MP answered thus, “The #MeToo Movement have metamorphosed into modern day disciples of the ancient Anatolian Phrygian mother goddess Cybele whose purpose is to make eunuchs of every single male on earth or at least subject them to a high degree of wussification, pansyfication and sissyfication.”
A psychologist member of the American Psychological Association who was standing nearby remarked that Renfield was a good example of traditional masculinity being toxic.
Renfield (who had a license to kill like James Bond 007) pulled out a gun and shot and killed the psychologist on the spot.
Later Renfield’s friend Amadeus Emanon when he heard the news remarked, “Well I guess Renfield’s masculinity did turn out to be toxic for that particular American psychologist.”
“Fatally so,” Amadeus’ girlfriend Angelique Dumont added.
A Gillette ad created by Dracul Van Helsing 9 years ago attacking cheating heart masculinity back in the days when real men still created ads for Gillette.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday January 16th
2019.
Special Firing Line Episode On PBS: Ghost of William F. Buckley Jr. Interviews British MP Renfield R. Renfield
February 9, 2019 at 11:48 pm (Commentary, Culture, Film, Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, Gothic romance, History, International Intrigue, Mystery, News, Politics, Romance, Spy Tales, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (Anahita, Black Dragon, Daughter of Fu Manchu, Dracul Van Helsing, Ho Babylon Minh, Mei-ling Manchu, PBS Public Affairs Program Firing Line, PBS Television, Persian goddess Anahita, Princess Ubolratana Rajakanya of Thailand, Renfield R. Renfield, Thai Princess Ubolratana Rajakanya, The Black Dragon, The Ghost of Orson Welles, The Ghost of Sir Winston Churchill, The Ghost of William F. Buckley Jr., Vietnamese Vampiress Ho Babylon Minh, William F. Buckley Jr., Xi Jinping, Zeus' Kraken Cometh)
Due to the cosmic intertwining of the CERN Large Hadron Collidor in Switzerland and Dracul Van Helsing’s time travelling Houdini-Tesla-Pantages prototype Magic Lantern in a West Hollywood repertory movie theatre, this year’s supernaturally produced episode of PBS’ Firing Line featuring the ghost of William F. Buckley Jr. interviewing British MP Renfield R. Renfield was able to be watched by actor Jimmy Stewart and actress Lana Turner on the set of the film Ziegfeld Girl in 1941.
Due to Hades the Greek god of the Underworld wanting to see it happen and His Conceited Humbleness Pope Francis not wanting to see it happen, Hades ordered the temporary dispensational release of the ghost of the conservative commentator William F. Buckley Jr. from Purgatory to interview British MP Renfield R. Renfield on a special episode of the PBS public affairs show Firing Line on television.
Studio floor director for the show would be the ghost of Orson Welles.
The studio audience would be made up of the ghost of Sir Winston Churchill surrounded by the ghosts of the greatest of the female Ziegfeld Follies girls of the 1920s and ’30s.
As the ghost of Sir Winston Churchill sat in the audience with a big cigar, an ample bottle of brandy and one huge smile on his face, the show began.
“So, tell me, Mr. Renfield,” Buckley’s ghost sat there with a huge spectral copy of The Complete and Unabridged Oxford Dictionary on his lap giving him a spectral hernia, “if you could sum up what’s wrong with the state of America today in just one sentence, what would you say?”.
“Well,” Renfield poured himself a 20 ounce glass of Jack Daniel’s, “if you keep in mind that the terms I use in my statement are the terms exactly as defined by the Greek philosopher Plato in his work The Republic, America’s biggest problem is that its left wing oligarchy suffers from the massive delusion that it is a genuine aristocracy while its rightist tyrant suffers from the massive delusion that he is a genuine monarch.”
“I say,” Buckley was impressed, “That’s quite good actually.”
“Thank you,” Renfield grinned.
In the studio audience, Churchill’s ghost applauded as a lovely and very curvy Ziegfeld girl massaged his cigar.
In the TV audience at home watching, Bill Clinton seethed with jealousy as he saw Churchill’s cigar being massaged.
As for Hillary, she seethed with indignation at Renfield’s comment about the left wing oligarchy since it hit a little too close to home for her liking.
“And what of Russia?” Buckley asked as he sipped from a cup of tea with a picture of the late Soviet leader Leonid Brezhnev on it bearing the tattoed inscription LOSER on his forehead.
“Well,” Renfield ignored the Russian bear (possessed by the ghost of Rasputin) operating Camera #2 trying to hypnotize him with his magnetic looking eyes, “Russia’s problem is Vladimir Putin who’s trying to create a country that’s a synthesis of old Czarist Imperial Russia and the Stalinist Soviet Union. Such a synthesis is ultimately bound to fail.”
“And what then should Putin do?” Buckley asked as he picked up a copy of Nikolay Chernyshevsky’s 1863 novel What Is To Be Done?.
“Drop the Stalinist model and concentrate all efforts on Czarist Imperial Russia returning,” Renfield remarked as he drank from a very rare 1894 bottle of Russian vodka.
“Hear! Hear!” Churchill’s ghost ejaculated as his right leg was being massaged by a beautiful and very lovely White Russian exile girl Ziegfeld dancer.
“And what about China?” Buckley asked as he ate from a Lydo Chinese Food Styrofoam carton that had a picture of Richard M. Nixon and Chairman Mao Tse-tung eating 1000-year-old eggs and washing them down with bucketloads of French champagne on the carton cover.
“Well,” Renfield gazed at the lovely Asian dragon emblazoned slit skirted dress wearing vampiresses the Chinese Communist vampiress Mei-ling Manchu (daughter of the late Dr. Fu Manchu so maligned by Sax Rohmer) and the Vietnamese vampiress Ho Babylon Minh (granddaughter of the late Vietnamese President Ho Chi Minh) who were espionage operatives for the Beijing government and were standing at the back of the studio, “China is the world’s true superpower while America is the Wizard of Oz full of hot air and sitting behind a curtain and trying to shadow box with others by using faded silhouettes of its former glory.”
“My country reduced to the light and shadow contrasts of dark alleys and dying street lamps of the set of an old Film Noir movie,” the ghost of Orson Welles made a cameo appearance statement to the camera.
“On another matter,” Buckley smiled with the beatific smile of a smiling Buddha as the Shall We Dance? theme from the movie The King and I played in the background, “why have your former boss the London based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set and his Persian carpet warehouse business partner the Persian goddess Anahita decided to try and make Thai Princess Ubolratana Rajakanya the next Prime Minister of Thailand?”.
Renfield looked like he had been hit by a sledgehammer (which he would have been by both Mei-ling Manchu and Ho Babylon Minh on orders of the entity known as the Black Dragon if he hadn’t answered the question about China in the correct way).
“What?” Renfield looked totally shocked.
“Well,” Renfield regained his composure, “it’s like the man said to the mousetrap when it caught ahold of his testicles, You’ve really got me there.”
-A vampire novel
written by Christopher
Saturday February 9th
2019.
Thai Princess Ubolratana Rajakanya: The billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set and the Persian goddess Anahita want her to become the next Prime Minister of Thailand.
Homage is being paid to Thai Princess Ubolratana Rajakanya by Watson Holmes the Executive Vice-President of Set Enterprises
Thai Princess Ubolratana Rajakanya: Renfield R. Renfield was unable to answer the $64 million dollar question about her connection to Set and Anahita posed by the ghost of William F. Buckley Jr. on the PBS public affairs program Firing Line.
The Persian goddess Anahita: What does she have planned for Thailand?
Only the vampire Set and her hairdresser know for sure.
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