3-D Printing The Temple of Solomon
3-D Printing The Temple of Solomon
British MP Renfield R. Renfield was sitting alone in his parliamentary office.
The ghost of Sir Winston Churchill wasn’t present because he was being forced to attend a ghostly cocktail party in Purgatory at which the ghost of Lady Astor would be present.
“Like Hamlet’s father’s ghost in Shakespeare’s famous Danish play,” Churchill roared in a paraphrase of Hamlet’s spectral paternal parent, “it is at parties like these where the bad things I did in my days of nature are thoroughly punished.”
“Well, it could be worse,” the atheist Renfield, with no belief in Purgatory, remarked sympathetically, “you could be in Tartarus where Hitler’s ghost is.”
Renfield was unaware that Hades the god of the Underworld had temporarily released Hitler’s spirit from Tartarus at the request of the Norse/Germanic god Odin/Wotan (Churchill’s ghost was likewise unaware of Hitler’s reprieve at the hands of Persephone’s husband).
Hitler’s spirit had entered the body of a grey wolf 🐺 and was currently hanging out with the anti-Semitic ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith as well as paying the occasional visit to Vladimir Putin although Putin was unaware that the grey wolf was possessed by Hitler’s ghost.
Speaking of Hitler and Putin, Renfield was quite pleased with himself because earlier today he had hacked into Russia’s state run television network and put in an image of Vladimir Putin with Hitler’s moustache and haircut that appeared on the TV screen whenever the network ran a news story where the Russian leader was mentioned.
Putin was absolutely livid and furious when he found out and gave the order to all of 🇷🇺 Russia’s intelligence services to find the one responsible and bump that person off with the Novichok nerve agent (at the same time as Putin issued the directive, Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov was giving a press conference in which he emphatically denied that Russia 🇷🇺 was in current possession of the nerve agent).
Renfield had tossed a few bread crumbs to the Russian intelligence services in his speech in the Commons today by continuously referring to Putin as “the Slavic Hitler” in his speech but so far the Russian agencies did not have an intellectual equivalent of Britain’s Sherlock Holmes to pick up on the Renfieldian hints.
Neither for that matter did America’s intelligence services since Donald Trump did not tweet about the subject.
Meanwhile Renfield R. Renfield was currently examining an MI-5 and MI-6 report on a British company called Palmyra Analytica.
The reason Renfield read the report as soon as he heard about it was because his creator Dr. Cadbury Rocher of Set Enterprises was currently doing freelance consulting work for Palmyra Analytica.
Dr. Rocher was building a 3-D printer for Palmyra Analytica.
The 3-D printer when completed would be capable of producing an exact copy (down to the smallest and most exact detail) of the original Temple of Solomon built by Solomon himself.
Renfield was horrified to discover when reading the report that Palmyra Analytica was in fact owned by a front company that was owned by his former boss Set’s arch enemies the Paris-based Egyptian vampiress Isis and the Rome-based Egyptian vampire Osiris.
“Why,” Renfield wondered to himself, “do Isis and Osiris want to rebuild Solomon’s original Temple?”.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday March 28th
2018.
Renfield Discusses Dungeons With The Vampire Set
Renfield Discusses Dungeons With The Vampire Set
Renfield R. Renfield MP was discussing the dungeons in the basement of the colossal West London mansion with the mansion’s owner and his former boss the billionaire ancient Egyptian Vampire Set.
“So you want to use part of the basement dungeons as interrogation chambers for MI-6?” Set inquired as he chewed on a roast crocodile.
“That’s right, Boss,” Renfield was used to calling the former Egyptian god of darkness and the desert by that name from the days when he used to work for him.
“Well of course part of the basement dungeons my new Chief of Security and Intelligence Gathering Sherrielock Holmes uses for her dominatrix service,” Set licked crocodile flesh off his fingers.
“I know,” Renfield adjusted the cushions under his tender buttocks, “it’s the other part of the basement dungeons that I’d use.”
“And what prisoners will you be keeping there?” Set belched into the evening air.
“Some Russian military intelligence officers we captured in Syria through the efforts of our allies Prince Vlad Dracula and the Israeli Mossad agent the Controller of the Golem,” Renfield replied.
“So you’re moving quickly against Putin’s Russia eh?” Set drank from a jar of Josef Stalin’s blood he kept for special occasions, “while Theresa May is publicly expelling 23 Russian diplomats from the UK, you’re privately rounding up members of Russia’s high-ranking military and intelligence services?”.
“That is correct,” Renfield said, “because if Putin wants to get into a pissing contest with me, he better have strong and powerful kidneys because mine are made of steel.”
Set who was privately worried these days (and nights) that he might finally be coming down with senility at his advanced age of a few thousand years wrinkled his forehead.
He was trying to remember if his Chief Scientist at Set Enterprises Dr. Cadbury Rocher had equipped Renfield R. Renfield with steel kidneys when he had genetically created him in a lab.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday March 14th
2018.
Michelangelo’s Vision of Moscow and Putin In The Future
Michelangelo’s Vision of Moscow and Putin In The Future
Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster was asleep 💤 in his lobster tank at the Set Enterprises laboratories when suddenly his lobster antennae picked up a vision of Moscow and Vladimir Putin from the near future.
The re-elected Russian 🇷🇺 President had been given an invitation to an opening of a new exclusive men’s hairstyling salon 💇♂️ in Moscow where the hairstylists were all breathtakingly beautiful and young topless and short skirted Russian women.
Although the Russian President was quite bald and chose not to wear an orangish coloured red spider monkey fur toupee (unlike some world leaders), he decided to take advantage of the free haircut and shave.
He could always use a scalp massage and a shave.
Putin was given a thoroughly pleasing scalp massage by the young attractive female hairstylist who did a lot of bending over as she went to get more water from the sink and more hair massage cream from the lower drawers.
“Moscow always has such lovely views this time of year,” Putin remarked to the young blonde hairstylist.
“Indeed it does,” she smiled and winked at him, “Are you ready for your hot towel shave?”.
“Yes,” Putin smiled.
She then put the steaming hot towel on his face.
“Oh God, it burns, it burns!” Putin screamed.
Putin scrambled off the chair and on to the floor still screaming, “It burns. It burns.”
“I imagine it does,” a grinning Renfield R. Renfield MP from Britain’s Westminster Parliament stood in front of him.
Renfield was dressed in a James Bond style white tuxedo suit and sipping a martini 🍸- shaken not stirred.
“All these hairstylists are paid operatives for MI-6,” Renfield lit a cigarette with a gold cigarette lighter.
Amadeus came into the salon carrying a toy piano 🎹 and sat down at the piano and played the song As Time Goes By.
“You’re probably wondering to yourself,” Renfield blew cigarette smoke in Bogart style fashion into the air, “Why of all the hairstyling salons in all the world did that nasty Brit Renfield R. Renfield have to walk into this one?”.
“It burns, it burns,” Putin seemed to be singing a Russian Orthodox style litany of pain on the spot.
“Like I said this hairstyling salon is actually an MI-6 operation,” Renfield smiled, “and that burning sensation you’re still feeling from the steaming hot towel is probably caused by a smattering of VX nerve agent on the towel- the same substance that killed Kim Jong-nam (the half-brother of North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un) when two women attacked his face with towels at Kuala Lumpur International Airport on February 13th last year. But don’t worry the amount put on your towel isn’t enough to kill you. Just enough to give you the most delectable amount of pain until you do face your death.”
“How am I to die?” Asked Putin.
The topless short skirted hairstylists had meanwhile grabbed Putin and took off all his clothes and then forced him into a kneeling position with his bum stuck up in the air.
“Allow me to introduce you to Mr. Harvey Weinstein,” Renfield introduced the disgraced Hollywood producer who likewise was in the all together save for the pair of glasses 👓 he was wearing, “Mr. Weinstein was recently given a serum invented by Set Enterprises’ Dr. Cadbury Rocher. This serum turned him gay.”
A look of realization and horror entered Putin’s eyes.
“Well there you go, Harvey,” Renfield pointed to the Russian leader’s most inviting derrière, “go to it.”
Weinstein mounted Putin while Amadeus played the song Home On The Range on the piano followed by the theme music to the film Brokeback Mountain.
“Mr. Weinstein’s phallus has been laced with the same nerve agent used in the attack on Sergei Skripal and his daughter Yulia in Salisbury,” Renfield explained, “though somewhat modified by Dr. Cadbury Rocher. Mr. Weinstein’s phallus is not harmed by the substance that it is carrying. However the same cannot be said for your rear end. You shall die a most unique and excruciating 😖 death 💀.”
“How could you do this?” Putin had tears in his eyes as well as Weinstein’s phallus in his behind.
“I was authorized to do it by an emergency meeting of Cobra 🐍 by the British government this past March 10,” Renfield smiled, “though I was given full artistic control over the whole operation so I could give it my own Renfieldian artistic flourish.”
As Weinstein exploded in orgasm, Amadeus played She’ll Be Coming Round The Mountain ⛰ When She Comes on the piano.
“Salisbury, thou art avenged!” Putin shouted as he gave up the ghost 👻.
“I wonder if I can get a good Salisbury steak somewhere in Moscow,” asked Amadeus who was starting to feel hungry 😋.
Meanwhile Renfield was looking at one of the beautiful topless short skirted hairstylists and said to her, “Feodora, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday March 11th
2018.
Renfield Rescued By Norse Valkyrie and Then Discusses Putin With Churchill’s Ghost
Renfield Rescued By Norse Valkyrie and Then Discusses Putin With Churchill’s Ghost
Last night Sir Renfield R. Renfield MP had been saved from drowning in the Thames River by the Norse Valkyrie Svipul who had been flying overhead at the time.
Mr. Renfield had found himself caught up in an avalanche of snow and a wave of rainwater while singing badly performed renditions of old Rod Stewart and Glen Campbell songs.
The combined avalanche/wave pushed Mr. Renfield into the icy Thames River where Mr. Renfield could not extricate himself from such a predicament unless he was wearing a pair of snow flippers which he wasn’t (namely because such an unusual pair of foot apparel – a combination of snow shoes and scuba flippers- hasn’t been invented yet).
Fortunately for Mr. Renfield, the Norse Valkyrie Svipul had been flying overhead at the time.
Also fortunately for Mr. Renfield, the Norse Valkyrie Svipul did not recognize him as the individual who had butchered the lyrics and melody of the Liebestod from Richard Wagner’s opera Tristan und Isolde while performing a filibuster on a Brexit bill in the Westminster House of Commons a couple of months earlier.
Otherwise she’d have probably let the shapeshifting hamster/human British Transhumanist MP drown.
Mr. Renfield was much warmer now having put on a dry pair of clothes and also having received a thorough bottom blistering spanking from the Norse Valkyrie Svipul (who it turns out was a good dominatrix friend of the immortal dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes).
Mr. Renfield was now seated in his parliamentary office on an extra extra extra comfortable cushion on his chair at his desk seated across from the ghost of Sir Winston Churchill.
“So according to the Foreign Secretary Mr. Johnson’s speech in the Commons earlier today,” Churchill sipped on his ghostly brandy, “a certain foreign power may be responsible for the unknown substance attack on former Russian spy Sergei Skripal and his daughter Yulia Skripal in what is now being called the Salisbury Incident.”
“Yes,” Renfield nodded, “the Russians will probably stonewall high enough around Salisbury that they’ll erect a Russian Stonehenge to match the Druidic one.”
“No doubt the invisible hand of Mr. Putin is behind this,” Churchill rubbed his ghostly chin thoughtfully with his ghostly fingers.
“Undoubtedly,” Renfield sipped his non-ghostly and definitely non-ghastly brandy.
“If these ghastly events continue,” Churchill bit his ghostly lip, “Vladimir Putin may have to be bumped off.”
“Yes, I’ll probably have to bump Vladimir Putin off,” Renfield agreed as he accepted the Raymond Red Reddington Award that had been given him by an admiring fellow blogger.
“Well,” Churchill peered at Renfield over his ghostly spectacles 👓, “If any person in the world is capable of bumping off the notorious Mr. Putin, it would be you, Mr. Renfield.”
“Well, it certainly wouldn’t be Donald Trump,” Renfield agreed.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday March 6th
2018.
Greer Garson, Silvio Berlusconi, Renfield R. Renfield and The Green-Eyed Monster
Greer Garson, Silvio Berlusconi, Renfield R. Renfield and The Green-Eyed Monster
Renfield R. Renfield was watching the BBC Culture segment’s Film Critic Sir Laurence Camembert giving a commentary on television.
Said Camembert while eating a plate of cheddar cheese, “It was 75 years ago last night, that the Oscars for 1942 were presented, back in the days when movies were about real people and not comic book characters. Greer Garson’s acceptance speech for winning Best Actress for Mrs. Miniver was said to have lasted about 6 minutes but a little known aspect of the speech was she spent at least 5 minutes of it attacking Donald Trump.”
“Wow,” said Amadeus Emanon while eating a bowl of 6 dozen oysters, “do you suppose Greer Garson was in telepathic clairvoyant communication with our lobster Michelangelo?”.
“I think Sir Camembert was joking,” Renfield said wryly while drinking a rye whiskey 🥃.
“Oh,” said Amadeus and then asked, “what cheese do you think goes best with oysters? Camembert or cheddar?”.
“I suppose it all depends on one’s dairy 🥛 orientation,” Renfield commented as he read a brochure from the All-Inclusive Dairy Producers of Europe.
“I have to go to the bathroom,” Amadeus announced.
“Well, please don’t let me stop you,” said Renfield who had already got caught in a very peculiar shower on the way home from Parliament this afternoon.
As Amadeus marched off to the bathroom whistling the song “Rule Britannia, Britannia rules the waves…”, Renfield watched a story on BBC News about how former Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi was flashed by a topless woman protestor at a polling booth while voting in yesterday’s Italian parliamentary elections.
“Shit,” sighed Renfield, “I was never flashed by a beautiful topless woman protestor when I voted in last year’s British parliamentary elections. Some guys have all the luck.”
“I don’t recall having taken any Viagra today,” a shocked and somewhat surprised Amadeus shouted from the bathroom.
“Some guys do nothing but complain,” Renfield added.
Renfield walked out the door into the snow and the rain singing that old Rod Stewart song, “Some guys have all the luck… Some guys get all the breaks” but quickly switched over to the lyrics of the Glen Campbell song Rhinestone Cowboy, “And nice guys get washed away like the snow and the rain…” when a sudden flood of snow and rain hit Renfield and started carrying him away in the direction of the Thames River.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday March 5th
2018.
Renfield Gives Speech To Clinton Foundation
Renfield Gives Speech To Clinton Foundation
British MP Renfield R. Renfield had been invited to give a speech in London to a visiting tour group made up of members from the Clinton Foundation branch in New York City.
At the swanky exclusive London hotel reception dinner where most guests were dressed in formal dinner attire (a great number of the men were wearing evening gowns and a great number of the women were wearing tuxedos and pant suits), Renfield R. Renfield was sitting at the head table dressed like actor Charlie Chaplin as the Little Tramp.
When invited to give his speech, Renfield began his speech by asking,
“Have you ever wondered why Joe McCarthy a conservative Republican senator of the 1950s who was worried about Soviet involvement in American politics was labelled as being paranoid and guilty of conducting a political witch hunt? While liberal Democrats in this 2nd decade of the 21st Century who are worried about Russian involvement in American politics aren’t?”.
Needless to say, Renfield’s speech didn’t go over so well with members of the Clinton Foundation.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday February 24th
2018.
Renfield Gives Convocation Address
Renfield Gives Convocation Address
British MP Renfield R. Renfield had been invited to give a winter session graduation convocation Address at a small community college in London.
The topic he was given to speak on for the convocation Address was What Britain 🇬🇧 Needs To Consider For The Future.
Renfield approached the podium wearing sunglasses 😎 , a t-shirt with Bob Marley’s picture on it and a splendid Scottish kilt with a matching pair of plaid socks.
Tapping the microphone and saying “Ich ni sun chi… good… it appears to be working… what Britain needs to consider for the future…”
Renfield paused as he looked around the room.
He then began his address on What Britain Needs To Consider For The Future.
Said Renfield, “Have you ever wondered why the word terrier doesn’t rhyme with the word Perrier?…”
As his friend Amadeus Emanon remarked afterwards, “And that was the high point of the speech…”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday February 18th
2018.
Sherrielock Holmes Tomatoes Jacob Zuma’s Buttocks
Sherrielock Holmes Tomatoes Jacob Zuma’s Buttocks
British MP Renfield R. Renfield was sitting in a comfortable armchair in the living room of the colossal West London mansion of the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set.
He was holding a glass 🥃 of Southern Comfort in one hand and a Pina Colada in the other.
He was celebrating a killing he had made on the London Stock Exchange today.
On Monday he had bought shares in the Atkinson Comfortable Cushion and Pillow Company for £5 a share and today he had sold them for £25 a share.
Renfield was awaiting the arrival of Miss Sherrielock Holmes the woman to whom he owed his financial windfall.
Although Sherrielock Holmes was the new Chief of Security and Intelligence Gathering for Set Enterprises (a position Renfield once had held prior to his election to Parliament), she was also a professional dominatrix.
In fact, she was the City of London’s most famous professional dominatrix and a globetrotting dominatrix at that.
Back in November of last year, she had been hired by 🇿🇼 Zimbabwe’s ruling political party to tomato the buttocks of Zimbabwean President Robert Mugabe to get him to voluntarily resign the Presidency- a feat she was able to accomplish much to Mr. Mugabe’s discomfort and dismay.
Now in February of this year, South African President Jacob Zuma was likewise ignoring the advice of South Africa’s ruling ANC African National Congress Party and refusing to resign the Presidency to pave the way for the new ANC party leader Cyril Ramaphosa to become President.
On the recommendation of the Zimbabwean government therefore, the ANC had hired dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes to come to South Africa 🇿🇦 and persuade Mr. Zuma to voluntarily resign using the persuasive methods for which she was famous.
Sherrielock had flown to South Africa 🇿🇦 this past Monday night.
On Tuesday (informed of Sherrielock’s arrival), Jacob Zuma had hid himself in one of the many rooms of the Presidential House in Pretoria, South Africa.
However one of Jacob Zuma’s distant cousins Monty Zuma (Monty’s parents had both been big fans of The Monty Python TV Show and so named their first son after the show) worked as a valet in the mansion and happened to know where the then President was hiding.
Monty had recently found out that Jacob had disinherited him from his will and so in an act that future historians will probably dub Monty Zuma’s Revenge, Monty had led Sherrielock to the room where the then South African President was hiding.
After six hours of solid buttocks tomatoing with whips and cats o’ nine tails this past Tuesday night in an act that future historians will probably call the Saint Valentine’s Eve mASSacre, South African President Jacob Zuma finally broke down and announced that he was voluntarily resigning the Presidency.
Standing in front of television cameras 🎥 the next day Wednesday February 14th, Mr. Zuma announced that decision to the South African nation.
Afterwards (on the recommendation of former Zimbabwean President Robert Mugabe), Jacob Zuma promptly ordered 1001 comfortable cushions made by the Atkinson Comfortable Cushion and Pillow Company in London England 🏴 to be immediately delivered to the now former President’s private home.
Meanwhile in his comfortable armchair in London, England, Sir Renfield R. Renfield sipped both his Southern Comfort and Pina Colada
and awaited the leather mini skirted Sherrielock Holmes to walk through the front door.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday February 15th
2018.
Would-Be Sultan Erdogan Meets Pope Francis
Would-Be Sultan Erdogan Meets Pope Francis
Renfield R. Renfield MP arrived home at the London mansion of the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set after a long day in his parliamentary office where he had spent most of the day discussing world affairs with the ghost of Sir Winston Churchill over glasses of brandy (one in material liquid form and the other in spectral spirit form).
As Renfield walked through the door, Athelstan was busy dusting a Ming vase showing the 15th Century Chinese dominatrix Lily Ling (a distant ancestress of Sherrielock Holmes) wielding a whip across the buttocks of a Ming emperor.
Amadeus was on the piano playing the melody to Chopsticks with a pair of chopsticks.
“So,” Renfield growled as he walked through the door, “I was informed that the would-be Sultan of the proposed revived Ottoman Empire Recep Tayyip Erdogan had a private papal audience with Pope Francis at the Vatican in Rome today.”
“Well,” Athelstan quipped, “that means there was one more person that showed up than there were at a recent public papal audience in Saint Peter’s Square.”
“Yes,” Renfield remarked, “it’s amazing how defending a Chilean bishop who covered up for pedophile priests can drastically reduce one’s popularity.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday February 5th
2018.
Michelangelo’s Vision of Rick Santorum’s Wife Being Shot
March 26, 2018 at 10:21 pm (Commentary, Crime, Geopolitics and International Relations, News, Politics, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (Amadeus Emanon, asshole politicians from Pennsylvania, Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster, painful Washington DC receptions, Pennsylvania Sen. Rick Santorum, psychic lobster, Renfield R. Renfield, Rick Santorum, Set Enterprises Laboratories)
Michelangelo’s Vision of Rick Santorum’s Wife Being Shot
Amadeus Emanon was in the Set Enterprises laboratory eating a dozen grilled cheese sandwiches and watching Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster who was in his aquarium playing with a waterproof Sherrielock Holmes leather skirted dominatrix Barbie doll.
Suddenly Michelangelo let out a penetrating screech which caused Amadeus to momentarily pause in the middle of eating one of his grilled cheese sandwiches 🥪.
Thirty seconds later Amadeus resumed eating as Michelangelo picked up a psychic vision from the future on his lobster antennae.
The vision was of British MP Renfield R. Renfield on his first political trip to America as a member of the British House of Commons.
Mr. Renfield was at a fancy cocktail 🍹 🍸 political reception in Washington DC.
Absent from the reception was Donald Trump because his hairpiece toupee had been stolen by a Kraken who had mistaken it for a fresh water nest of baby salmon eggs.
“Caviar is being served,” Lexington the White House valet announced.
Among the guests at the reception were former Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum and his wife Karen Garver Santorum.
Mrs. Santorum went up to the table where caviar was being served when she was confronted by a man waving a gun.
The man had been diagnosed with a dozen different mental illnesses by psychiatrists at one of the country’s leading medical centres last year.
Last week he had been re-elected the Membership Secretary of his local chapter of the NRA.
And this morning he had purchased a dozen different assault rifles from a local store including the one he now pointed directly at Mrs. Santorum.
The man pressed the trigger eight times in rapid succession.
As FBI agents ran to tackle the man, Renfield spoke sharply to the mentally inept American politician Sen. Rick Santorum, “Don’t stand there like an idiot. Go perform CPR on your wife.”
“But… but… but..” Sen. Santorum stammered, “I’ve never taken a CPR course in my entire life.”
“You’re as useless as tits on a bull aren’t you?” Renfield handed Sen. Santorum his glass of champagne, “Here hold this.”
Renfield ran over to Mrs. Santorum saying, “I have taken a course in CPR.”
Then he glared angrily back at Sen. Santorum, “Shows the truth of that old saying… Those who can, do. Those who can’t, pontificate endlessly on one of many subjects they know nothing whatsoever about.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday March 26th
2018.
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