Westminster MPs’ Stand-Up Comedy Night For Charity
Westminster MPs’ Stand-Up Comedy Night For Charity
A group of MPs from the Westminster Parliament in London were holding a dinner and a stand-up comedy night to raise money for charity.
Amadeus Emanon and Angelique Dumont decided to attend the dinner.
The dinner was good but then it came time for some of the MPs to perform.
The first one up was British Prime Minister Theresa May.
Said Mrs. May, “I hear there are some here in the Conservative caucus who want to replace me as party leader and as Prime Minister. Since my last name is May, it makes me glad that there’s no one named June in the Tory caucus.”
Mrs. May’s joke fell flatter than a Hollywood starlet’s pre-silicone injection brassiere.
The next up was British Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson.
His routine of “Well, you can call me Johnson or you can call me BJ…” didn’t go over so well either.
Third and last was Tewkesbury In The Cotswolds British Transhumanist MP Renfield R. Renfield.
Renfield began,
“Have you ever wondered what would happen if two immature kids fighting in a playground had access to nuclear weapons?
Well with Donald Trump and Kim Jong-un, we’re about to find out…”
Amadeus winced.
Renfield’s observation was a little too close to the truth to laugh at.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday September 24th
2017.
Renfield, Political Correctness and Krakens
Renfield, Political Correctness and Krakens
British Transhumanist MP Renfield R. Renfield was making another speech to the UK 🇬🇧 House of Commons Parliamentary All-Party Foreign Affairs Committee after having read a blitheringly idiotic statement by Hollywood actor George Clooney on the Charlottesville incident.
Before his speech, Renfield held up for the committee a drawing he had done of George Clooney and various American late night talk show hosts sitting in a school classroom wearing DUNCE caps on their heads.
Said Renfield, “In consideration of the defining moment in history that Charlottesville has become on the road to a new global tyranny that seems to be emerging in the U.S. (political correctness taking the form of an all-encompassing Orwellian super state), we mustn’t be afraid to continuously give the assholes and idiots in the innately stupid American political establishment the raspberry they so richly deserve.”
Renfield took a sip of his martini (shaken not stirred in James Bond 007 fashion).
He continued.
“Now of course, Neo-Nazis and Ku Klux Klansmen are racist scumbags while the anarcho-communistic thugs and hooligans of Antifa are non-racist scumbags but that doesn’t mean that those belonging to Antifa are any less violence prone scumbags,” Renfield finished his martini 🍸, “to say otherwise is like saying that Josef Stalin, Mao Tse-tung and Pol Pot weren’t such bad fellows after all since at least they weren’t racist like Adolf Hitler was.”
. . .
“It’s rather unfortunate that Cardinal Robert Sarah is black,” said the liberal Vatican 🇻🇦 Cardinal Walter Kasper, “if he was a white man, our great beloved and dear leader Pope Francis would have no qualms about immediately removing him from his post as Prefect of the Congregation For Divine Worship for suggesting such backwardly outdated ideas as priests should be allowed to say the old Latin Tridentine Mass if they wish and that furthermore the Mass should be said ad orientem (towards the East- where Christ is said to return according to our outdated Biblical mythology which is so definitely pre-Vatican II).”
“I wholeheartedly agree,” said Cardinal Reinhard Marx (who lived up to his family name).
. . .
In Rome, the ancient Egyptian vampire Osiris was reading a book 📖 called How To Spot A Good Kraken From A Bad Kraken.
His smart phone went off and he answered it.
It was his wife and sister-in-law the Egyptian Vampiress Isis calling from Paris.
“Darling,” Isis breathed into the phone, “I want you to come to Paris and meet the Kraken Napoleon VI and his lovely wife Medusa.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday September 18th
2017.
. . .
Hillary Clinton and The Magic Mirror On The Wall
Hillary Clinton and The Magic Mirror On The Wall
One of Hillary Clinton’s witch friends had a magic mirror on the wall that was able to correctly answer any question.
Hillary, having written her book called What Happened in which she blamed everyone and everything except for the kitchen sink (well actually she did include the kitchen sink!) for her electoral defeat, had decided to ask the magic mirror who was the one primarily responsible for her devastating defeat.
She went over to the magic mirror on the wall and asked,
Mirror mirror on the wall,
who was the one most responsible
for my electoral defeat last fall?
Was it the FBI’s James Comey,
the Russians,
Green Party candidate Jill Stein,
Bernie Sanders (for having the audacity to run against me in the primaries)…
Mirror mirror on the wall,
who was the one most responsible
for my electoral defeat last fall?
Having asked the question, she awaited the answer as the mirror glass turned to mist and fog.
Then the fog cleared and Hillary looked at the image that was the answer.
“What the Hell? What’s my own image doing reflecting back at me?” Hillary shrieked as the mirror cracked.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday September 14th
2017.
Emmanuel Macron’s Make-up
Emmanuel Macron’s Make-up
Amadeus Emanon was sitting in the living room of the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set’s colossal west London mansion.
Sitting across from him was the world famous London dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes who was now the new Chief of Security 🚨 and Intelligence Gathering for Set Enterprises having replaced Renfield R. Renfield (who had recently been elected MP to the British Parliament).
Sherrielock was dressed in a white blouse, black leather mini skirt, black fishnet pantyhose and red spiked stiletto high-heeled shoes 👠 expecting a client for her dominatrix services.
She had told Amadeus that the anonymous client was a recently fired member of the Trump White House so Amadeus figured that the person could be any number of a 1000 people.
Renfield himself was still down at Westminster having told Amadeus that he was busy doing work on behalf of his constituents.
Amadeus figured that it was more likely that Renfield was cavorting with high price London call girls down in his Parliamentary office and charging it to his Parliamentary expense account.
Renfield being the unique politician he was had found a way of screwing the British taxpayer in more ways than one at the same time.
Amadeus, reading the newspaper, remarked to Sherrielock Holmes, “I see Emmanuel Macron since he became President of France 🇫🇷 has spent more than 26,000 Euros (£24,000) on make-up since he took office in May of this year.”
At that moment the ghost of the late American writer Truman Capote entered the room (Capote’s ghost being one of many now wandering the earth since the ancient Egyptian god Thoth’s entry into this current spatial/temporal dimension).
Commented Capote on the news story Amadeus had just been reading, “I gueth President Macron wanted to look pretty for when Donald Trump held his hand at the Bastille Day Parade.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday August 25th
2017.
A Working Day In The Life of Renfield MP
A Working Day In The Life of Renfield MP
Renfield R. Renfield had started his day by flying to Spain where he had been asked to deal with captured Islamic State terrorists who had been arrested in the wake of yesterday’s Barcelona van ramming in the Las Ramblas district.
He had brought along with him a piece of equipment and software invented by Set Enterprises’ chief scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher.
“Hello,” Renfield grinned at the ISIS prisoner when he saw him, “this Rocher Sensory Virtual Reality Machine was invented by my friend Dr. Cadbury Rocher at my suggestion. You’re probably wondering why you’re tied down to this table. That’s so we can put these VR goggles as well as extra wires on you without struggle. Now given that you dirtbags’ favourite method of terrorism these days is to run down people with motor vehicles, this VR mechanism controls the nerves and pain mechanisms in your body so when we put these goggles on you and run our program, you will see yourself being hit and run over by an approaching motor vehicle but thanks to the wires, you will also feel the same pain victims feel when their limbs are smashed and whatever else is broken when the vehicle hits them. However unlike real life victims who either die or their pain is eventually anesthetized in hospital, once you feel the pain for an agonizing half-hour, the program then ends, you’ll get temporary relief but the program then starts over again. And over again. And over again. So theoretically you can now enjoy the experience of getting hit and run over by a motor vehicle and feeling the subsequent pain of crushed limbs and broken ribs and spines and feelings of paralysis several hundred times a day… and night.”
The prisoner turned pale.
“Enjoy the show,” Renfield put the goggles on the man and flipped the switch.
. . .
Renfield’s explanation and the man’s screams were broadcast via invisible Tesla radio sound waves (that didn’t require the presence of physical loudspeakers) at various Islamic State training camps throughout the Middle East.
One angered Islamic State leader said, “We must kill this Renfield.”
“Wrong answer,” said the Commander of the British Army Brigade of Gurkhas who led the raid storming the camp and entering the tent with guns blazing
Those not killed were immediately bound and transferred to the facility in Spain where they themselves could enjoy Renfield R. Renfield’s Amazing Pain Sensation and Virtual Reality Smash Them Up Motor Derby Show.
. . .
“Political correctness is cultural Marxism,” Renfield R. Renfield explained to a BBC interviewer later in the day, “Cultural Marxism is the process articulated by early 20th Century Italian Communist theoretician Antonio Gramsci whereby to penetrate and infiltrate and dominate the culture is far more effective than revolution or armed struggle in bringing about a Marxist society.”
“Really?” said the BBC interviewer.
“Yes,” Renfield continued, “Gorbachev was a disciple of Gramsci’s ideas. That’s why he thought he could allow for Perestroika and glasnost and letting the Eastern European satellite nations go since the West had pretty well become Marxist atheistic materialistic in its thought anyways. Parts of the Western world might pay lip service to religion (the former Christianity that had once dominated it) but for the most part, most Church leaders in the West had become cultural Marxists in their thinking anyways. The most clear example of this is the Vatican itself where once the anti-Communist popes like John Paul II and Benedict XVI were out of the way, you now have a cultural Marxist like Pope Francis presiding over the Catholic Church.”
“But yet it sounds like cultural Marxism doesn’t call itself cultural Marxism, it calls itself political correctness instead,” the BBC interviewer pointed out.
“That’s right,” Renfield nodded, “ever since the fall of the Berlin Wall in 1989 and the collapse of the USSR in 1991, Marxism has, in the early 21st Century, become the ideology that dare not speak its name. The reason being that Marxists were shown to be losers.
And everybody, no matter who they are or what political ideology they adhere to, hates being thought of as a loser. Gorbachev never in his wildest dreams probably suspected that Perestroika and glasnost would lead to the dissolution of the USSR itself. But that’s what happened. Marxism had lost the Cold War. And the term Marxist became synonymous with loser. So Marxists no longer called themselves Marxists- especially in the U.S.- they called themselves Progressive instead.”
“You have said that Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton are both cultural Marxists,” the interviewer noted.
“That is correct,” Renfield noted, “And that’s why Hillary’s supporters went so berserk when she lost the election. Because Marxists, whether cultural or armed militant, seem to be psychologically prone to great histrionics when they don’t get their own way. As can be seen by the actions of Stalin, Mao Tse-tung and Pol Pot when they killed millions upon millions of people they thought stood in the way of their creating the perfect classless society. American progressives calling themselves SJWs (Social Justice Warriors- when I first encountered the term on social media- I thought it stood for Single Jehovah’s Witnesses and I thought someone should really get these pathetic losers married off before they continue to make stupid comments on social media) throw temper tantrums on social networking sites. They gather together in groups to get their way. At one time brainless howling mobs used pitchforks and torches to go after people they disagreed with. Today they use Twitter tweets and Facebook postings.”
“And speaking of Twitter tweets,” the interviewer interjected, “what about Donald Trump?”.
“He comes across as the modern day equivalent of an ancient Roman Emperor,” Renfield answered, “somewhat insane and always making daily changes to his household staff.”
“Thank you for your time, Mr. Renfield,” said the BBC interviewer.
And such was a working day in the life of Renfield R. Renfield MP.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday August 18th
2017.
South African Artist SAREJESS and The Tower of Big Ben
The South African artist SAREJESS was painting a picture about the dream he had the night before.
In the painting, a giant hamster was standing atop the tower of Big Ben next to the houses of Parliament in London.
Below the Tower, the early British Queen Boudica and Sir Winston Churchill were seen smiling and holding hands together.
Moonlight shone down on the clock tower whose hands both pointed at 12.
The evening cloud above the clock tower resembled the face of the late great actor Vincent Price.
On the right in the painting was an aquarium where a lobster was doing an impersonation of Norwegian artist Edvard Munch’s The Scream.
An in-law of SAREJESS, when he saw the painting, said, “You’re nuts, Tim.”
SAREJESS’s grandson Joshua (nicknamed Lallow), when he saw the painting, said, :”You’re a genius, Grandpa.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday July 29th
2017.
Set and The British Lord
Set and The British Lord
The billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set was having dinner with a member of the British House of Lords in the dining room of The Royal Albert Club (the very same club back in the 1920s that Winston Churchill had unofficially met with members of British Intelligence to discuss the Egyptian billionaire’s connections with the rising Nazi movement in Germany).
The British Lord he was meeting with was Lord Leo of Panthera.
“So, how does the outlook look for Britain these days?” Set asked Lord Leo.
“Not so good,” Lord Leo eagerly bit into his veal brought to him by Isaiah the waiter, “it’s not a good thing for Britain to have a minority government just as we’re trying to negotiate Brexit.”
“Any possibility of a National Unity government forming?” Set asked as he bit into his Duck a l’ Orange.
“Some talk of it,” Lord Leo drank his coconut milk, “but not much. It’s said that Her Majesty the Queen has her own personal favourite that she’d like to see become Prime Minister in a national unity government.”
“Oh,” Set washed his duck down with a Bourgogne Pinot Noir, “and who might that be?”.
Leo paused in the middle of swallowing another slice of veal with his mouth agape in astonishment, “You mean to say you don’t know?”.
“No, I don’t,” Set was starting to feel like an errant schoolboy who had neglected to do his homework.
“Renfield R. Renfield the British Transhumanist MP for Tewkesbury In The Cotswolds,” Lord Leo replied.
“What?” Set spit out a mouthful of Bourgogne Pinot Noir far across the room that caused one gentleman’s Seafood Flambé to become even flambeier, “My former employee who still lives with me in my mansion?”.
“That’s right,” Lord Leo grinned through his glass of coconut milk.
“Wow,” Set finished the last of his duck, “it would be quite advantageous to me if Renfield were to become Prime Minister of Britain.”
“Excuse me, gentleman,” Isaiah the waiter approached them, “but there’s a fire in the house. We would appreciate it if you moved to the nearest fire exits.”
Set and Lord Leo moved quickly past the now burning out of control Seafood Flambé.
“Well done, thou good and faithful servant,” Poseidon the Greek god of the sea said to a lobster who perished in the Seafood Flambé that day.
Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster woke up screaming in his salt water aquarium down at the Set Enterprises laboratories.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday July 28th
2017.
Renfield and The UK Foreign Affairs Committee
Renfield and The UK Foreign Affairs Committee
Newly elected British Transhumanist MP Renfield R. Renfield was named to the UK Parliamentary All-Party Committee On Foreign Affairs.
He was asked to give a presentation today on last Friday’s Bastille Day meeting between French President Emmanuel Macron and U.S. President Donald Trump.
For the presentation, MP Renfield made a short music video- a video showing the never ending handshake between Mr. Trump and Mr. Macron on the streets of Paris.
Instead of news audio commentary on the video, he had the musical soundtrack of that old Beatles song “I want to hold your hand” playing in the background.
As Trump held Macron’s hand, the Beatles could be heard singing,
“Oh, please say to me
You’ll let me be your man
And please say to me
You’ll let me hold your hand
Now, let me hold your hand
I want to hold your hand…”
Renfield’s music video presentation on the handshake left his fellow MPs speechless.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday July 17th
2017.
Gali-Gula and Justin Trudeau At The Calgary Stampede
Gali-Gula and Justin Trudeau At The Calgary Stampede
Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau was at the Calgary Stampede today.
As he went around acknowledging the crowds and acknowledging the boos, Justin hoped he wouldn’t run into any one smoking marijuana during the Stampede.
On every occasion when he inhaled even a whiff of marijuana, he’d always run into that annoying ET gray from the planet Nibiru- an ET gray named Gali-Gula (whose extraterrestrial 👽 body was possessed by the ghost of the late ancient earthling Roman Emperor Caligula).
Seeing Gali-Gula at the recent Canada 🇨🇦 Day 150 celebrations in Ottawa had so flabbergasted Justin, he forgot to mention the province of Alberta in his Parliament Hill speech.
Now as he walked around the Stampede grounds, he hoped he wouldn’t catch a whiff of marijuana.
He happened to notice a group of people holding up a sign saying WE SUPPORT A CARBON TAX.
He went over to talk to them and caught the biggest whiff of marijuana smoke imaginable from the group.
“Oh, no!” Justin quickly walked away.
He went to talk to another group of people.
And in the crowd, ET gray Gali-Gula asked him, “If I threw a grenade and killed someone, would you pay me $10.5 million like you did Omar Khadr?”.
“Fuck you asshole!” An angry 😡 Justin replied.
“What was that?” Alberta Premier Rachel Notley looked at Justin with a great look of astonishment and horror.
“Sorry,” Justin apologized, ” I was talking to Gali-Gula the ET gray standing behind you.”
People looked and not seeing anyone there, they raised their eyebrows and looked suspiciously at Justin.
Justin was then called away to officially open a rubber duck pond which had never been officially opened during the whole time of the Stampede.
As Justin pronounced the words “I officially declare this rubber duck pond open”, Gali-Gula held up a sign that said, THE RUBAIYAT OF OMAR KHAYYAM – 11th CENTURY AD. THE RUBY YACHT OF OMAR KHADR- 21St CENTURY AD.
“Go fuck yourself, you tiny little son of a bitch,” Justin screamed.
A small child broke into tears.
“No, no,” Justin apologized, “I didn’t mean you.”
Two of the Prime Minister’s aides looked at one another.
They better get the Prime Minister the Hell out of here before he inflicted any more collateral damage.
They grabbed him and ran straight out of the Stampede grounds.
A 75-year-old ramrod straight cowboy in an ancient looking white Stetson (who had no use for anyone with the last name of Trudeau) shouted after him, “Hey you bum, it’s going to be difficult taking your shirt off for a selfie while you’re wearing a straight jacket.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday July 15th
2017.
Renfield’s Video, The Secular Socialist Taliban and The Coming Antichrist
August 28, 2017 at 2:00 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (Renfield R. Renfield, The Secular Socialist Taliban)
Renfield R. Renfield was showing a video to the UK Parliamentary Foreign Affairs Committee which was tied in to the same theme he had spoken on a couple of days earlier.
The video showed Nazi German soldiers knocking Soviet red stars off buildings in Ukraine following the June 22nd 1941 invasion of the USSR in Operation Barbarossa.
“It’s always been the habit of an emerging totalitarian order to knock down and destroy the symbols of the old previous order,” Renfield R. Renfield spoke.
He then showed Antifa and anarchist thugs tearing down and stomping on the statue of a Confederate soldier in Durham North Carolina.
“Notice the sheer look of stupidity and brainless violent emotions on the faces of those who are tearing down the statue,” Renfield said, ‘such mindlessness leads one to accept whatever emerging totalitarian order is on the horizon.”
Renfield then showed the hypnotized looking faces of the Nazi youth at the 1934 Nuremberg rally from a clip from Leni Riefenstahl’s film Triumph of the Will.
“Faces showing the expression of lack of thought en masse always advertise the advent of an emerging totalitarian order,” Renfield explained.
He then showed Black Lives Matter protesters tearing down Christmas lights off the Christmas tree in Chicago’s Millennium Park back in November 2015 shouting F**K France (because the Paris terrorist attacks of that time had taken the international news spotlight off of them- the black militant anarchists and hoodlums) and exclaiming at the Christmas tree and lights “This is part of the problem” prior to trying to tear down the Christmas tree itself.
Renfield continued, “Roughly about the same time the cultural Marxist living in the Vatican Pope Francis said when that city’s Christmas tree was lit, “We are close to Christmas. There will be lights, there will be parties, bright trees… it’s all a charade.”
Renfield paused and poured himself 1/10th of water from a pitcher into a glass.
He then brought from underneath the table a bottle of Glenlivet single malt Scotch whisky and poured the liquid into the glass making up the other 9/10ths.
“So,” Renfield continued after downing the glass of whisky, “we have the head of the Catholic Church calling the Birth of Christ a charade and anarchist thugs in the Black Lives Matter movement saying of Christmas trees, “This is part of the problem.” But when we realize that Pope Francis, Antifa, Black Lives Matter and their allies in what Pat Buchanan calls the Secular Socialist Taliban are just the vanguard of the emerging totalitarian ideology, all of this makes sense. They want to tear down all of the symbols of the past. Thus they want to tear down Confederate statues, they want to tear down Christmas trees and lights, Pope Francis wants to remove all vestiges of the old Latin Tridentine Mass and the brainless teachers of the Ontario Teachers’ Federation want to remove the name of Sir John A. MacDonald (Canada’s 1st Prime Minister) from all public schools in the Canadian province of Ontario. The Orpheum Theater in Memphis Tennessee is going to stop showing the 1939 classic film Gone With The Wind because it’s considered racially insensitive (although racially insensitive to whom I don’t know as I thought Hattie McDaniel’s character of Mammy the maid was the only one with brains in the entire motion picture). And the Mayor of New York City is seriously considering taking down statues of Christopher Columbus in the city. The emerging totalitarian ideology behind the Secular Socialist Taliban has no shortage of adherents or “useful idiots” for the cause.”
“And what is this emerging totalitarian ideology?” asked the Chairman of the UK Parliamentary Foreign Affairs Committee who was starting to feel thirsty for a glass of whisky for some reason.
“Marxism,” Renfield answered, “although in the 21st Century, it has become the ideology that dare not speak its name. The Fall of the Berlin Wall gave it a bad name. But it has come back. It has emerged again. And it’s in North America ironically where this emerging neo-Marxism has been born. As my friend Dracul Van Helsing noted, in Charlottesville Virginia you had the idiots who still worshiped the 20th Century Antichrist Adolf Hilter (those belonging to the White Nationalist Movement, the Neo-Nazis and the Ku Klux Klan) battling off against those idiots who will worship the 21st Century Antichrist- those people belonging to Antifa, Black Lives Matter, various syndicalist-anarchist groups and their allies in the emerging Secular Socialist Taliban. Dracul says these people will be the first in line to receive the Mark of the Beast. And following close behind will be most politicians.”
One MP on the committee stopped looking at his recently acquired tattoo when he heard Renfield make his last statement.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday August 26th
2017.
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