Labour Disruption and Strike At Set Enterprises
Last night, British MP Renfield R. Renfield was on his way to the Set Enterprises laboratory to receive a vision from Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster that was intended for his eyes only.
However due to a traffic delay caused by an extremely idiotic driver and the subsequent shooting of that extremely idiotic driver, Renfield was late getting to the Set Enterprises laboratory.
The site was now called Set Enterprises Laboratories and Rug Emporium (as Renfield’s former boss the London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set had now gone into business with the Persian goddess Anahita to sell Persian rugs together).
They had hired Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing and the Dragon Warrioress Crown Princess Lenora of Lemuria (who had first met and made out in a police interrogation room at Scotland Yard) to demonstrate how easy it was to hold tantric sex couplings on Persian rugs thus increasing the popularity of sales.
However once Renfield got to the Laboratory and Rug Emporium, the union of Persian rug employees and workers were now on strike after smoking and inhaling Canadian recreational cannabis that had been smuggled aboard a Canadian Federal Government commissioned Air Canada flight from Ottawa to London.
The rug emporium employees were now on strike demanding higher wages so they could buy higher doses of cannabis laced products so they could go on higher trips.
Their picket lines were now surrounding the Set Enterprises building and they weren’t letting anybody in.
Renfield decided it wouldn’t be a good idea to reach under his raincoat and grab his semi-automatic weapon and blow the whole lot of them to kingdom come for two reasons:
Firstly, any tourists present might think they were no longer in London but some locale in the United States and Trump would soon be tweeting his thoughts and prayers to them while not standing up to the narcissistic jackals and jackasses in the NRA who were against any form of gun control (save for a brief period in the 1960s when it became apparent that members of the Black Panthers were buying large amounts of weapons and the NRA were screaming for the government to do something and impose some form of government control over gun purchases but the memory of that brief period the current NRA leadership and membership sought to erase from most History textbooks).
Secondly, Renfield did not want to alienate any potential British Labour Party voter who might be inclined to vote for his British Transhumanist Party (Renfieldian Transhumanism was not your Ray Kurzweil Google brand of Transhumanism or Jeff Bezos Amazon brand of Transhumanism but as the ghost of the late Prague Spring of 1968 Czechoslovakian leader Alexander Dubcek called it, “Transhumanism with a human face.”).
Since the striking rug employees were higher than a kite, Renfield used his new Dr. Cadbury Rocher Cosmos brand Smart Phone to put in a call to the Niburuan ET gray Gali-Gula.
The ET gray Gali-Gula arrived in his UFO Flying Saucer and walked out to speak to the striking workers.
In the platinum plated metallic iron gloves on his hands he carried the marijuana pot smoking desert cactus plant named Strawberry Fields Forever.
Strawberry Fields Forever’s normal habitat was the greenhouse of Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau in Ottawa where the Prime Minister (who had picked up the Prince of Wales’ habit of talking to plants) would go and chat with the cannabis pot smoking cactus plant and inhale the plant’s exhaled smoke as he did so.
Then Justin could truthfully tell the Canadian news media that his lips never touched a marijuana cigarette.
Renfield looked at his watch.
He was late for a hot tub appointment with some of Japan’s top female porn stars who were currently visiting Britain.
Renfield decided he’d leave it to the Niburuan mediator the ET gray Gali-Gula to end the strike.
Michelangelo’s vision for Renfield’s eyes only would have to wait for another day.
His vision of Japanese lady porn stars in a hot tub for his eyes only were far more important.
He left.
The ET gray Gali-Gula told the crowd that his ET gray body was in fact possessed by the spirit of the ancient earthling Roman Emperor Caligula and they could only see him if they inhaled pot smoke.
The crowd was not impressed and still refused to swear off pot smoking.
Gali-Gula said, “I’ll show you the hazards of excessive pot smoking and inhalation.”
He once again picked up the pot smoking desert cactus plant Strawberry Fields Forever in his platinum plated metallic iron gloved hands.
“Show them the aftereffects of excessive pot smoking and inhalation,” Gali-Gula addressed Strawberry Fields Forever.
The pot smoking cactus plant then started hiccoughing and sneezing cactus needles in the strikers’ direction.
The strikers still refused to swear off pot smoking.
“Desperate times require desperate measures,” Gali-Gula did his best voice impersonation of Sir Winston Churchill while speaking to Strawberry Fields Forever.
“And now for something completely different,” Gali-Gula spoke to the crowd while impersonating the voice of the Monty Python TV show announcer, “And far more drastic. Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau doing a naked phallic impersonation of Donald Trump.”
Justin Trudeau had ingested Dr. Cadbury Rocher designed Reverse Viagra tablets a few hours before so his phallus would be the right size for doing a Donald Trump impersonation.
The holographic image of Justin Trudeau doing a Donald Trump phallic impersonation was astral projected from Ottawa to London.
He had a special guest to help him in his performance.
The image of a naked Justin Trudeau doing a Donald Trump phallic impersonation and doing a lap dance in the naked lap of a totally nude possible future House speaker Nancy Pelosi was an image far too horrifying for even an H.P. Lovecraft to conceive.
It was also an image far too horrifying for the striking employees of Set Enterprises Rug Emporium to receive.
They swore off pot smoking and cannabis inhalation for life.
The strike ended.
Gali-Gula had saved the day and the night.
And PTSD therapists would be receiving a multitude of clients the next day.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday November 24th
2018.
Renfield: Taking Care of Business In Every Way
British MP Renfield R. Renfield had received a phone call from Dr. Cadbury Rocher at Set Enterprises.
Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster had picked up a TV news broadcast from the future on his lobster antennae and Michelangelo had typed with his lobster claws on the keyboard of his waterproof laptop that the vision was meant for Renfield’s eyes only.
So Renfield caught a trolley bus that drove quite close to the Set Enterprises laboratory and rug emporium (The billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set had recently gone into business with the Persian goddess Anahita and sold Persian rugs together- putting Set on Donald Trump’s business black list).
The trolley bus headed down a single lane one way street that was meant for trolley buses only.
There was a vehicle trap at the front of the street that trapped any vehicle other than trolley buses from going down that street.
However there were plenty of flashing red lights and traffic signs that warned other vehicles of the vehicle trap ahead.
However there was always the occasional idiot who totally ignored all the flashing lights and traffic signs and wound up with their vehicle caught in the trap preventing the bus from getting through.
This was one of those days.
“I can’t believe that bitch did that!” The bus driver shouted.
Other people on the bus now complained about being late for important appointments thanks to the inherent stupidity of the said bitch.
Renfield seethed as he got off the bus.
There was only one thing to do about such stupid people.
And that was to eliminate them from the face of the earth.
The airheaded bitch was on her mobile calling for a tow truck to pull her vehicle out of the trap.
It was rather unfortunate for the said airhead that she wasn’t very good looking.
Otherwise Renfield might have shown some pity.
As it was, Renfield reached into his raincoat pocket, pulled out his gun and fired 7 bullets point blank at her.
The woman immediately fell to the ground quite dead as the operator on the other end of the line asked her for her Auto Club Membership #.
But the woman had expired before her membership did.
Renfield being a member of MI-5, MI-6, British Home Office and Her Majesty’s Secret Service had a licence to kill like James Bond 007 (in fact his secret agent code number was 0069).
Renfield received a standing ovation and thunderous applause from the other passengers on the bus for his actions.
Renfield looked at his watch and decided he’d better walk from here to Set Enterprises.
As Renfield walked down the street, he sang his own paraphrased version of an early 1980s Air Supply Song,
There’s one less stupid person in the world
And it’s gonna be fine
Out of all the stupid people in the world
You’re now dead and gone
In my life where everything was wrong
Something finally went right
Now there’s one less stupid person in the world tonight…
“It’s too bad Donald Trump hadn’t been the one to have driven that vehicle into the trap,” the trolley bus driver remarked.
“Too bad indeed,” British Prime Minister Theresa May agreed.
Mrs. May vowed never to take public transit again.
She was now going to be at least half an hour late for an important meeting to save her Brexit deal.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday November 23rd
2018.
Donald Trump’s Phone Call With Saudi Crown Prince
The verdict was in.
The CIA, CSIS, MI-6 and the German Federal Intelligence Service were all convinced that Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman had personally ordered the brutal and savage murder of Saudi journalist Jamal Khashoggi,
But as Donald Trump brushed all the squirrel droppings and walnuts out of his toupee, he knew in his heart of hearts and brain of brains that he had more intelligence put together than any intelligence agency on the planet (or anyone else for that matter).
He sung to himself, “MBS killed no one, this I know, for the Saudi Crown Prince tells me so.”
He said to Lexington his valet as he dressed for bed, “I had a long phone conversation with the Saudi Crown Prince tonight, Lexington.”
“Delighted to hear it, sir,” his British butler answered.
“Lexington, do you know if we have a U.S. Consulate in Istanbul?” Trump asked.
“I believe we do, sir,” Lexington answered.
“I wonder if it would be possible for us to find a Turkish fiancee for CNN’s Jim Acosta,” Trump mused aloud.
“Good God, sir,” Lexington’s face turned ghostly white, “and just what was the gist of your conversation with the Saudi Crown Prince?”.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday November 19th
2018.
Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster’s vision (just before his lobster tank exploded again) of DARPA contract assassiness Panty Goatee disguised as actress Emma Watson telling the car driver, “Take me to the U.S. Consulate here in Istanbul.”
Sekhmet, Set and Bastet
The year was 1938.
It was the month of November.
20 years earlier the Egyptian vampire Set’s tomb had been dug up in Egypt by Oxford trained Egyptologist Dr. Edgar Lovecraft Ashbury.
In fact, Set’s tomb had been opened at exactly 11 AM Greenwich Mean Time on November 11th 1918 (the 11th hour of the 11th day of the 11th month- the same minute the Armistice ending the Great War came into effect).
Set now lived in London, England where he had amassed a fortune.
Set was also one of the world business oligarchs supporting Hitler.
Not because Set was a Nazi.
But because Set thought Hitler would destroy Stalin.
Set hated Stalin because Stalin had arranged the murder of Set’s mortal fiancee back in 1924.
Sir Winston Churchill knew that Sol Invictus Set (as the wealthy businessman Egyptian vampire called himself in London circles) supported Hitler.
Churchill happened to run into the Egyptian lion headed goddess Sekhmet in the Egyptology section of the British Museum library one evening.
Sekhmet agreed to spy on Set for Churchill.
The goddess turned herself into an Egyptian teen-aged girl calling herself Sekhmeta and showed up at Set’s doorstep claiming to be a distant descendant of Horus (who was Set’s nephew) thus making herself Set’s niece (a great great great x great niece several times over).
Set agreed to let Sekhmeta stay with him.
One night 80 years ago, Set caught Sekhmeta listening to American jazz and jive music on the radio instead of doing her homework.
Set promptly administered a spanking.
Rubbing her behind and reaching for a pillow, Sekhmeta said to Set, “I’ll get you for that, Uncle Set.”
“I’m sure you will,” Set laughed.
Meanwhile in Washington DC, the Egyptian cat goddess Bastet was rising up behind an FBI agent and his girlfriend in a movie theatre to strike.
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday November 17th
2018.
Michelangelo Names The Winners of The 2018 U.S. Midterms
“It was 50 years ago today that Richard M. Nixon was elected President of the United States,” Amadeus Emanon read aloud from the This Day In History column.
“One thing I always liked about Nixon,” Renfield remarked as he fed his goldfish called Checkers that a voter had given him, “is his insightful analysis in his statement, “That whole Bohemian Grove thing is the faggiest god damned thing you can imagine. I never shake hands with anybody who comes from San Francisco anymore.” And as a result of Nixon’s advice, I’ve never ever shaken hands with anybody who comes from San Francisco.”
“Well, that would certainly prevent you from picking up any Nancy Pelosi girl fleas,” Amadeus noted.
“Or dog fleas either,” Renfield rubbed the fur of the Set household’s pet cat Nefertiti Galore.
“Wasn’t the Bohemian Grove the place where Henry Kissinger went running around nude in the woods?” Amadeus asked.
“Yes and a bunch of California redwood trees have been treated for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder ever since,” Renfield remarked as he received a nude photo text message from Vietnamese vampiress Ho Babylon Minh that had just the opposite effect that Kissinger had on the trees.
As both the goldfish Checkers and the cat Nefertiti Galore went into their respective states of shock upon seeing Renfield’s bulging erection, Amadeus remarked, “I see the psychic lobster Michelangelo has named the winners of tomorrow’s U.S. midterm elections.”
Amadeus had just received a text message from Dr. Cadbury Rocher down at the Set Enterprises lab.
“And who will the winners be?” asked Renfield who being genetically created in a lab had no mother to warn him about what physical activities might cause blindness.
Amadeus putting on a pair of welder’s dark glasses replied, “It was rather strange. Michelangelo in rather vague Delphi oracle like terms said “Both Donald Trump and Bernie Sanders will come out the winners.”
“Maybe what that means,” Renfield ejaculated both wisdom and a more physical substance, “is that the Republicans will maintain control of the House or the Senate or both while of those Democrats who are elected, a great many of them will support Bernie Sanders for the Democratic Presidential Nomination in 2020.”
“You might have something there,” Amadeus admitted.
“What I need right now,” Renfield stumbled around, “is the phone number for the nearest optometrist. I feel the need to book an appointment.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday November 5th
2018.
The ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith in a poster warning about the hazards of snow blindness.
Michelangelo’s Vision of 2018 U.S. Midterm Elections
British MP Renfield R. Renfield was back in the U.K. again after a brief one day Dia de Los Muertos visit to Mexico City where he videotaped the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec ripping out the live still beating heart of a horny sexually predatory and sexually harassing Google exec (one of many who had recently inspired a spate of Google employee strikes across the world).
Renfield then posted the video on YouTube, Facebook, Instagram and Twitter where it went viral across the Net.
The video was the one thing Renfield did that met with the approval of the #MeTooMovement.
After watching the video, the unlamented former Hollywood producer Harvey Weinstein woke up screaming in the night about having a dream of open heart surgery being performed on him without the use of anesthetic.
Another consequence was that Texas cowboys and gunslingers stopped falling in love with Mexican girls in cantinas out in the West Texas town of El Paso much to singer Marty Robbins’ displeasure.
After the burning of the heart was done in front of the Aztec feathered serpent god Quetzalcoatl (who because of his advanced age was starting to prefer his meat cooked well done rather than raw or rare these days), the Aztec deity (who was worshipped as Kukulkan by the Mayans) after eating the heart proceeded to sit down on a sofa with a bottle of tequila (containing inside it a worm in front of a biodegradable cardboard tombstone that had for an epitaph POE’S THE CONQUEROR WORM Conquered) in front of a television set and watched Orson Welles’ last film The Other Side of The Wind on Netflix.
Outside his Mexico City penthouse apartment, the ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith performed one huge storm of a whirlwind as the vampire Lev Tomi (who in his mortal life had been Leon Trotsky) the head of the UN Secretariat On The Environment and Climate Change gave a speech on climate change in the city.
Meanwhile back in Qonzilqointec’s penthouse suite on the other side of the street, the Aztec vampiress made out with Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing engaging in BDSM foreplay and mystical magic tantric sex afterwards.
Renfield flew back to Britain from Mexico listening to the Beatles’ Sgt. Pepper and Magical Mystery Tour albums on his airplane headphones while eating a nice dinner of curried lamb and curried goats’ legs on Manitoba wild rice.
Back at the CERN Large Hadron Collidor tunnel in Switzerland, the Hindu destroyer and transformer god Shiva was trying to make a curried dinner out of hubris ridden CERN scientists who had just uncovered a “ghost particle” that was about to upset the equilibrium balance of the entire cosmos.
A result of all this was that scientist Stephen Hawking was turning over on his barbeque spit in Tartarus and very much regretting the fact that he had written THERE IS NO GOD in his last book.
His mother’s favourite expression “Famous Last Words” never rang so true as now.
As soon as Renfield R. Renfield walked through the front door of the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set’s colossal London mansion, his friend Amadeus Emanon informed him of a vision that Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster had had in his lobster tank at Set Enterprises laboratories.
“Michelangelo foresees widespread violence, shootings and stabbings at polling stations across America on U.S. mid-term election day,” Amadeus stated.
“I’m not surprised,” Renfield admitted, “I imagine in future U.S. elections, the UN will have to bring in observers from the Afghan Taliban and militant sectarian groups in Iraq to make sure that future American elections are conducted in a less violent and more peaceful manner.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday November 3rd
2018.
Pan Goatee- Nobel Peace Prize Nominee
The world’s most lovable genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee (whose much loved serial killing specialty was ridding the world of repulsively ugly looking ugly women) had just found out that he had been nominated for this year’s Nobel Peace Prize by the American Association For The Restoration of Beauty and Aesthetics (who had a most Herculean task ahead of them).
“Why bless their beauty loving little hearts,” Pan Goatee remarked with all the charm of a gentleman caller on Scarlett O’Hara in the film Gone With The Wind.
Of course Pan didn’t win but like most Academy Award losing actors and actresses say (as their noses grow bigger like Pinocchio’s), “It’s an honour just to have been nominated.”
No sooner had Pan Goatee thought this charming little Tara drawing room thought when a super ugly repulsive and hyperpathetic looking ugly white girl sat down right across from him on the train.
“You stupid ugly looking thing,” Pan Goatee punched her full force in her pathetic ugly face with his fists, “What makes an ugly looking piece of shit such as yourself think it’s perfectly okay to sit across from a satyr with impeccable good taste like me.”
Pan Goatee continued to beat the ugly looking thing with his fists and then tore her apart with his goat legs’ hooves feet.
Krampus the 2nd arrived on the scene to finish the job.
He cut the ugly thing up into 666 trillion pieces with his laser machete.
The goat demon then threw the pieces into a gasoline soaked plastic garbage bag and used it to burn down the house of one of the Brooklyn witches.
A U.S. Supreme Court justice had recently hired Pan Goatee and Krampus The 2nd to burn down the dwelling places of Brooklyn witches and in the process also reduce the number of U.S. Democratic Party registered voters.
Goatee then killed a bunch more ugly women who were riding the bus home with him as well as the bus driver who tried to run Pan over as soon as the satyr got off the bus.
Krampus the 2nd then astral projected from Calgary (the uglo white female capital of the world) to Brooklyn New York where he burnt down a few more Brooklyn witches’ dwellings.
British MP Renfield R. Renfield in the British House of Commons enthusiastically described the blazing All Saints’ Day arsons of Baal and Baphomet followers as the “Salem witch trials without the horrendous expense of having taxpayer funded judicial court trials.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday November 1st
2018.
The Donald T-Rump Song
Oh, let us drink a drink, a drink
to Donald T-Rump, T-Rump
the saviour of the human race
or so he thought in his head
for which a poor red spider monkey bled
Now Donald T-Rump thought he was Julius Caesar
because he was just that type of senile geezer
but he forgot his Roman history
it’s certainly no mystery
Julius was assassinated
dying very constipated
and Augustus took over
like a four leaf clover
while Jared Kushner returns home from Dover
to take the reigns of power
for it is the False Messianic hour.
-A song written
by Christopher
Friday October 19th
2018
to the tune of
The Irish Rovers song
Lily The Pink
Wilkie The Cat Performs Nat King Cole: A Poem
Wilkie The Cat
had a lovers’ spat
His girlfriend Mitzi
was raging spitzy
She had broken her parasol
saving Wilkie from a very deep hole
by red hot pokering a Saudi librarian mole
Trump defended the Saudi librarian assassin
and took to Twitter tweety bashin’
Saudi Arabia had threatened to fly planes into Canadian Toronto’s CN Tower
while Mohammad bin Salman like Putin gave Trump a golden shower
No wonder the Donald’s hairpiece was a sickening gold yellow toupee
for Putin and the Saudi Crown Prince performed like it was a rainy day
Mid-term elections were soon on the way
Was Robert Mueller making hay?
Democrats wondered
as Lizzie Warren blundered
The New York Times defended the Senator’s DNA test
because of brains and intelligence, The Times had not been blessed
It took one to hate one was that old adage
which is why Trump and The Times exchanged nasty tweets and cabbage
But fortunately for Wilkie’s relationship, he got a good gig
and an assignment that his girl Mitzi should really dig
He and she were invited to perform at a political party function
and did not have to play the part of Beverly Hillbillies at Petticoat Junction
It was at the Lincoln Performing Arts Centre
and Wilkie promised Mitzi he wouldn’t go on a bender
Mitzi dressed as Elizabeth Warren took to the stage
while politicos gazed at her like lions released from a cage
Mitzi began to sing,
Cherokee people,
Cherokee tribe,
so proud to live
so proud to die
…
and maybe someday when we’ve learned,
Cherokee Nation will return, will return
Wilkie The Cat came on stage dressed like Nat King Cole,
he really relished getting into this role
He pointed at Mitzi as Warren and began to sing,
“Oh yes, she’s the great pretender…”
after the show, Wilkie went on a bender.
For he got the attending crowd wrong
turning this into his Lincoln Center swan song
He thought he was performing to Republicans but alas! they were Democrats
and now Wilkie and Mitzi were once again unemployed performing arts cats.
-A Wilkie The Cat poem
written by Christopher
Friday October 19th
2018.
