Renfield and The UK Foreign Affairs Committee

July 17, 2017 at 5:24 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , )

Renfield and The UK Foreign Affairs Committee

Newly elected British Transhumanist MP Renfield R. Renfield was named to the UK Parliamentary All-Party Committee On Foreign Affairs.

He was asked to give a presentation today on last Friday’s Bastille Day meeting between French President Emmanuel Macron and U.S. President Donald Trump.

For the presentation, MP Renfield made a short music video- a video showing the never ending handshake between Mr. Trump and Mr. Macron on the streets of Paris.

Instead of news audio commentary on the video, he had the musical soundtrack of that old Beatles song “I want to hold your hand” playing in the background.

As Trump held Macron’s hand, the Beatles could be heard singing,

“Oh, please say to me
You’ll let me be your man
And please say to me
You’ll let me hold your hand
Now, let me hold your hand
I want to hold your hand…”

Renfield’s music video presentation on the handshake left his fellow MPs speechless.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday July 17th
2017.

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Gali-Gula and Justin Trudeau At The Calgary Stampede

July 15, 2017 at 6:22 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Gali-Gula and Justin Trudeau At The Calgary Stampede

Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau was at the Calgary Stampede today.

As he went around acknowledging the crowds and acknowledging the boos, Justin hoped he wouldn’t run into any one smoking marijuana during the Stampede.

On every occasion when he inhaled even a whiff of marijuana, he’d always run into that annoying ET gray from the planet Nibiru- an ET gray named Gali-Gula (whose extraterrestrial 👽 body was possessed by the ghost of the late ancient earthling Roman Emperor Caligula).

Seeing Gali-Gula at the recent Canada 🇨🇦 Day 150 celebrations in Ottawa had so flabbergasted Justin, he forgot to mention the province of Alberta in his Parliament Hill speech.

Now as he walked around the Stampede grounds, he hoped he wouldn’t catch a whiff of marijuana.

He happened to notice a group of people holding up a sign saying WE SUPPORT A CARBON TAX.

He went over to talk to them and caught the biggest whiff of marijuana smoke imaginable from the group.

“Oh, no!” Justin quickly walked away.

He went to talk to another group of people.

And in the crowd, ET gray Gali-Gula asked him, “If I threw a grenade and killed someone, would you pay me $10.5 million like you did Omar Khadr?”.

“Fuck you asshole!” An angry 😡 Justin replied.

“What was that?” Alberta Premier Rachel Notley looked at Justin with a great look of astonishment and horror.

“Sorry,” Justin apologized, ” I was talking to Gali-Gula the ET gray standing behind you.”

People looked and not seeing anyone there, they raised their eyebrows and looked suspiciously at Justin.

Justin was then called away to officially open a rubber duck pond which had never been officially opened during the whole time of the Stampede.

As Justin pronounced the words “I officially declare this rubber duck pond open”, Gali-Gula held up a sign that said, THE RUBAIYAT OF OMAR KHAYYAM – 11th CENTURY AD. THE RUBY YACHT OF OMAR KHADR- 21St CENTURY AD.

“Go fuck yourself, you tiny little son of a bitch,” Justin screamed.

A small child broke into tears.

“No, no,” Justin apologized, “I didn’t mean you.”

Two of the Prime Minister’s aides looked at one another.

They better get the Prime Minister the Hell out of here before he inflicted any more collateral damage.

They grabbed him and ran straight out of the Stampede grounds.

A 75-year-old ramrod straight cowboy in an ancient looking white Stetson (who had no use for anyone with the last name of Trudeau) shouted after him, “Hey you bum, it’s going to be difficult taking your shirt off for a selfie while you’re wearing a straight jacket.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday July 15th
2017.

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The Hamburg G-20 and Renfield’s Return To Britain

July 9, 2017 at 5:31 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , )

The Hamburg G-20 and Renfield’s Return To Britain

At the recent G-20 Summit in Hamburg, Germany, a protestor shouted at Donald Trump, “Your daughter Ivanka would make a better President than you.”

To which the Donald responded much to the protestor’s shock, “You’re probably right.”

Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau was then asked by a protestor, “If I shot and killed a U.S. soldier, would you give me $10.5 million like your government gave Omar Khadr?”.

“You don’t understand this is a Canadian Charter of Rights issue,” Justin blubbered before taking his shirt off to pose for a selfie with a young pretty German fräulein.

“Are you sure this wasn’t just a major bimbo eruption on the part of your government?” The Niburuan ET gray Gali-Gula asked him.

Justin gave him the finger.

Gali-Gula looked down and thought to himself, “That’s what I get for wearing this I Love Alberta t-shirt that I bought on my recent trip to Alberta.”

A Canadian reporter in the crowd remembered the words of wisdom that the learned historical archivist Jack Morrow (son of the late 1st Chief Justice of the Northwest Territories Mr. Justice W.G. Morrow) said at the time that Pierre Elliot Trudeau repatriated the Canadian Constitution with an entrenched Charter of Rights back in 1982, “Well now that the overaged Marxist flower child Pierre has repatriated the Constitution with an entrenched Charter of Rights, soon the only Canadians with rights left in the country will be criminals and perverts.”

With the awarding of $10.5 million to the terrorist Omar Khadr by the Justin Trudeau government, the learned Jack Morrow’s prophecy had come true.

German Chancellor Angela Merkel was asked how she enjoyed the sauerkraut and sausages in Hamburg.

“Loved it,” she replied.

. . .

Newly elected British Transhumanist MP Renfield R. Renfield had finally returned to Britain after what he described “as a successful personal Tour de France.”

“What was the purpose of your visit to France?” A reporter asked the new politician described as “Britain’s most dynamic ” in comparison to such fossils as Theresa May and Jeremy Corbyn.

“To establish better relations with the French people,” Renfield shoved some condoms back in his pants pocket that seemed to insist on falling out.

“What political figure do you most feel a kinship to?” Another reporter asked.

“John F. Kennedy,” Renfield finally got the condoms back in place.

“What did you think of the anti-capitalist protestors at the G-20 Summit in Hamburg?” A BBC reporter asked Renfield.

“They should have used real cannons on them instead of water cannons,” Renfield replied.

“What do you think of Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau?” A Globe and Mail reporter asked Renfield.

“The man’s a total ass,” Renfield answered, “It’s my friend Dracul Van Helsing who really should be Prime Minister of Canada.”

Watching the press conference on television, the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec inwardly agreed.

Somehow she’d find a way to make Dracul Van Helsing Prime Minister of Canada.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday July 9th
2017.

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Qonzilqointec On 70th Anniversary of Roswell UFO Crash

July 7, 2017 at 6:50 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, News, Politics, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Qonzilqointec On 70th Anniversary of Roswell UFO Crash

French UFO researcher Jacques Vallee was sipping cognac and reflecting on how it was 70 years ago today that a UFO flying saucer was said to have crashed on a ranch near the town of Roswell New Mexico.

Later the crashed vehicle was said to be just a downed weather balloon.

Although others had speculated that the crashed vehicle was a self-conscious self-aware Hoover vacuum cleaner that had a premonitory vision of the message implied in Richard Bach’s 1970s bestseller Jonathan Livingston Seagull.

Vallee didn’t know what to think about the incident.

ET better phone the nearest American Automobile Association Auto Club, was that what happened ? Vallee wondered.

His housekeeper entered the room to tell Vallee about two phone calls for him.

Mikhail Gorbachev was on Line 1 and Pope Francis was on Line 2.

. . .

Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau was currently attending the G-20 Summit in Hamburg Germany.

As he munched on his Hamburg hamburger alongside German Chancellor Angela Merkel, he reflected on the huge gaffe he had made in Ottawa at last weekend’s Canada Day 150th Anniversary.

He had mentioned every province and territory in Canada in his Canada Day speech except the province of Alberta (the home of famous Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing).

When he left the stage and was informed of his gaffe, he came back and said, “I love you, Alberta” and blew a kiss at the TV cameras causing a wide-eyed teen-aged girl in the crowd (whose name was Alberta) to swoon and faint.

Trudeau’s failure to mention Alberta had angered some Albertans who still remembered Justin’s father Pierre Elliot Trudeau’s energy wars of the 1970s and early 1980s with then Alberta Premier Peter Lougheed over control of the province’s oil and natural gas resources.

Pierre Trudeau’s National Energy Program (NEP) had siphoned billions of dollars from Alberta’s provincial coffers into his own federal government’s treasury.

After bringing in the NEP and figuratively giving Albertans the finger, Pierre Trudeau then literally gave Albertans the finger while crossing through the Province’s Rocky Mountains by train.

Justin Trudeau’s neglect in mentioning Alberta by name at the Canada 150 celebrations in the Canadian nation’s capital of Ottawa struck some Albertans as the son’s equivalent of the father’s giving them the finger.

But really, Justin reflected, it was an accident.

An accident caused by the ET gray from Nibiru named Gali-Gula making funny faces at him while he was speaking.

Justin had promised to legalize marijuana during the 2015 Canadian federal election campaign- a promise which won him numerous seats in British Columbia’s Lower Mainland.

After winning the election, Justin started his own personal one man investigation into the after effects of smoking marijuana.

And whenever he smoked pot, those were the only times that Gali-Gula (the ET gray from Nibiru whose body was possessed by the ghost of the late earthling ancient Roman Emperor Caligula) appeared to him.

Justin had resolved not to smoke any pot ahead of the Canada 150 celebrations.

That way he wouldn’t be seeing Gali-Gula and he also wouldn’t anger the crowd by eating up all the hot dogs at the hot dog stand when he got the munchies.

The trouble was when he got up on the stage, some in the crowd were celebrating Canada’s 150th birthday by smoking pot themselves and Justin had the misfortune of inhaling much of the smoke.

So then Gali-Gula appeared to him just as he was about to mention Alberta by name.

Gali-Gula stuck two fingers in both his ears and then stuck his tongue out making a funny face at the Canadian Prime Minister.

This action on the ET gray’s part totally discombobulated Justin and he forgot to mention Alberta.

Later when Justin came back and said, “I love you, Alberta”, Gali-Gula decided to fly to Alberta and land on the UFO Flying Saucer landing pad in the town of Saint Paul, Alberta built in Canada’s centennial year of 1967.

Gali-Gula’s UFO driving narrowly missed making an omelette out of the world’s largest Ukrainian coloured Easter egg near the town of Vegreville, Alberta and narrowly missed making shredded duck out of the statue of the world’s largest duck outside the town of Andrew, Alberta.

“So,” Chancellor Angela said to Prime Minister Justin over his hamburger rousing him from his thoughts, “I said to Donald, either pee or get off the pot.”

. . .

The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec walked the streets of Roswell New Mexico.

She wore a black dress in mourning for the lives lost at Roswell 70 years ago.

Her Samsung mobile phone rang.

She answered.

It was Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing phoning.

They chatted.

Suddenly Qonzilqointec could hear the sounds of gunfire coming from the other end of the phone.

“Dracul, what’s happening?” Qonzilqointec asked.

“Some assassins tried to shoot me,” Dracul answered, “but I shot and killed them first with my Uzi sub machine gun that was given to me as a gift by the host of the Israeli reality TV series Battle of The Rabbis: Orthodox vs. Reformed vs. Conservative vs. Golda’s Uncle’s Lox and Cream Cheese Bagel Worshiping Cult.”

“Who were the assassins?” Qonzilqointec asked, “Agents sent by an evil Transylvanian baron from his lair in the Carpathians?”.

“No,” Dracul replied, “They were operatives from the CPL.”

“CPL?” Qonzilqointec queried.

“The Calgary Public Library,” Dracul answered, “They claimed I forgot to return a book. But it wasn’t true. The only book I ever borrowed from them was an Archie comic book graphic novel called Afterlife With Archie about Jughead Jones leading a zombie apocalypse attack on the community of Riverdale. But I returned it. I even have a receipt slip showing that I did. But Calgary Public Library operatives’ instructions are to shoot first and ask questions later.”

“I see,” Qonzilqointec sighed sadly.

“So you’re at Roswell eh?” Dracul asked.

“Yes,” Qonzilqointec nodded, “wondering what happened here 70 years ago?”.

“Maybe some poor snook ET gray forgot to return a book to the Calgary Public Library so CPL operatives fired a surface-to-air missile that hit his craft just above Roswell New Mexico,” Dracul speculated.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday July 7th 2017.

Qonziqointec In Mourning For Roswell Crash Victims
The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec in mourning for the victims of the Roswell crash.

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Amorous Laetitia’s Motorcycle Ride

June 23, 2017 at 4:34 pm (Humour, International Intrigue, Mythology, Politics, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

The Paris-based Egyptian vampiress Isis had been taking newly elected British MP Renfield R. Renfield on a motorcycle tour of the French countryside.

Renfield was bound to be successful in politics.

He had only been in office a week and already he was ignoring his constituents’ concerns and going off on an extravagant foreign trip.

This seemed to be the only issue on which politicians of the political left, politicians of the political right and politicians of the political center appeared to share mutual agreement.

Since Isis was a vampiress, they rode by night and slept by day.

Renfield and Isis were currently sleeping in a rustic rural French inn with their motorcycle parked outside.

The inn taverne door slammed and a rather large black cat stumbled outside.

The black cat was Amorous Laetitia who was the personal black cat and familiar to Hecate the Greek goddess of witchcraft.

Her mistress had recently been beheaded by genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee and then her head was eaten by the Norse wolf Fenrir.

As such, Laetitia to drown her sorrows had turned to her favourite liquid substance in a saucer- which was Bailey’s Irish Cream and not milk.

Laetitia had spent the evening drinking Bailey’s Irish Cream inside the taverna and when she exited very late in the morning, she spotted Isis’ motorcycle.

She hiccoughed and thought to herself that one thing about being a familiar to the goddess Hecate is you quickly learn how to hotwire a motorcycle.

She did so and sped down the open road.

Black Cat On A Chopper: A Poem

It’s really something to see- a black cat on a chopper
as tall tales go, you think I’m telling a whopper
but Amorous Laetitia rode down the road- not very straight
because the taverne waiter in refilling her Bailey’s was never late

Now it’s really not a very nice thing to drink and drive
as the bees thought when she crashed through their hive
now motorcycle gendarme Nicole Bardot was riding her police cycle
when she saw Laetitia speed past the statue of Saint Michael

She got on her cycle and rode
as Laetitia hit a toad
who was Asmodeus in disguise
the cat blinked her bleary red eyes

And soon the cat was in the village drunk tank
and Nicole Bardot found herself promoted in rank.

-A vampire novel chapter and poem
written by Christopher
Friday June 23rd 2017.
Nicole Bardot
French motorcycle gendarme Nicole Bardot: Busted the black cat Amorous Laetitia for drinking Bailey’s Irish Cream and then stealing and driving a chopper motorcyle.

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Set Buys Himself A House

June 14, 2017 at 3:31 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

So now that Serena was free of her magician’s assistant contract with the Great Houdini, Set decided to buy a house for them to live in once they were married.

He bought the house a colossal mansion in West London in 1924.

This was the house as it looked in a painting in 1926.
The West London Colossal Mansion of the Billionaire Ancient Egyptian Vampire Set

91 years after the painting was painted, the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set was meeting in his colossal West London mansion with his Chief of Security and Intelligence Gathering Renfield R. Renfield.

“So Renfield, now that you’ve been elected a Member of Parliament, you’ll probably no longer be able to carry out your duties as my Chief of Security and Intelligence Gathering,” Set scratched a chalkboard with his 66 inch long fingernails.

Renfield held his ears, “No, probably not, boss.”

Amadeus Emanon started playing Mozart’s Eine Kleine Nachtmusik on the piano in the drawing room.

“Which means since you’re no longer my employee, you’ll no longer be able to live in this mansion,” said Set coldly.

Renfield started to cry.

He hadn’t thought of that when he first ran for MP.

But then again he never really expected to be elected.

Renfield expected he had scored quite highly on the autism spectrum in the test that his mental health counselor had given him yesterday.

“However I’ve been talking to my chartered accountant Ian Mandell Boring who professionally goes by his initials I.M. Boring,” Set started feeling drowsy, “and he says if you pay me $12,000 rent a year to live here, you’ll be able to declare that on your expense account and be reimbursed at the end of the tax year. Besides having an MP in the household is a good thing. That way, I might be able to influence government policy.”

“Thanks, boss,” Renfield loudly blew his nose into his handkerchief.

“So, of course in the meantime, I’ve had to hire a new Chief of Security and Intelligence Gathering for Set Enterprises,” Set looked out the window.

“And who is that?” Renfield asked while drinking from a bottle of whisky.

“Sherrielock Holmes,” Set answered.

“The world famous London dominatrix?” Renfield was shocked.

“Yes and I believe your personal dominatrix,” Set played with his Rolex watch on a chain.

“Those are vicious rumours spread by the fake lying media in this country,” Renfield did an impersonation of Donald Trump.

“Sherrielock will be able to use the dungeons in the basement for her dominatrix business by night,” Set reflected, “and by day, she’ll do what you used to do.”

“You mean, during the day, she’ll do nothing,” Amadeus quipped as he entered the room.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday June 14th
2017.

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Election Analysis of Welsh Vampiress Morgana’s Election Victory

June 10, 2017 at 3:44 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

Renfield R. Renfield was spending his Saturday in the kitchen of the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set’s colossal London mansion celebrating his past Thursday’s election victory having been elected Member of Parliament for the Tewkesbury In The Cotswolds Constituency (a constituency he had only chose to run in because its then MP Agathor Christie of the Conservatives had dared to appear in an Internet photo with Renfield’s personal dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes the night before British Prime Minister Theresa May called the surprise UK election).

“Yes, quite often those embarrassing Internet photos can end a politician’s political career,” Amadeus Emanon remarked while thinking sympathetically about Agathor Christie’s humiliating electoral loss of over 17,000 votes to Renfield.

“Running in the constituency of Tewkesbury In The Cotswolds was the best political decision I ever made,” Renfield grinned seeing as how he only got 1 vote running as a Transhumanist candidate in the constituency of London-Collingwood Hills (where Set’s colossal London mansion was located) in the 2015 UK General Election and had received 0 votes running as an Independent, a Democrat and a Republican in last year’s U.S. Presidential election.

“Don’t be so smug,” Amadeus commented as he ate his pigeon pie, “if ISIS hadn’t launched terrorist attacks on Manchester and London, you’d never have been elected. Something Allah will no doubt tell the attackers as He sends them straight to Hell, do not pass Go, do not receive a Get Out of Hell Free Card and Do Not Collect 72 Dark-Eyed Virgins.”

“Wow, that’s a pretty brilliant and profound statement coming from you, Amadeus,” Renfield was impressed.

“Thanks,” Amadeus drank his Coca-Cola.

“I wonder how the Welsh Vampiress Morgana managed to win her seat in the Welsh constituency of Newbridge defeating longtime incumbent Labour MP Magog Rhys Petley by over 300 votes,” Renfield mused aloud.

“According to political analysts in most newspapers,” Amadeus ate his grilled cheese sandwich, “it was probably the photo of her appearing live on stage with Ariana Grande at the One Love Manchester concert that sealed her election victory.”

“What?” Renfield turned red with rage and apoplexy, “how come Ariana Grande posed for a photo with the Welsh Vampiress Morgana but Ariana Grande wouldn’t pose for a photo with me?”.

“Probably because you’re a jackass and the Welsh Vampiress Morgana isn’t,” Amadeus answered.

“Thank you for your blunt honesty, Amadeus,” Renfield remarked sarcastically.

“You’re welcome,” said Amadeus not bothering to take note of the sarcasm.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday June 10th
2017.

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Renfield Elected MP By A Landslide

June 9, 2017 at 4:41 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , )

Renfield R. Renfield representing the British Transhumanist Techno-Progressive Anti-Bio Conservative Party has won his constituency of Tewkesbury In The Cotswolds by a landslide defeating his closest opponent sitting incumbent British Conservative MP Agamemnon Thor Christie (often called Agathor Christie for short) by over 17,000 votes.

Most commentators and political analysts agree that it was Renfield’s Tuesday June 6th 2017 attack on an ISIS training camp in Libya earlier this week in which Renfield had illegally sent members of the British Brigade of Gurkhas in and tied explosives to the ISIS members’ tiny testicles that were then blown up after Renfield had appeared to them in holographic form and recited one of the numerous witty poems he’s famed for writing (See https://draculvanhelsing.wordpress.com/2017/06/06/renfields-attack-on-isis-camp-in-libya/ )

It was this raid that caught the imagination of the British public (and the condemnation by the country’s politically correct elites) in the wake of the Manchester and London terrorist attacks which led to Renfield’s landslide victory in his Tewkesbury In The Cotswolds Constituency says Manchester University political science professor Churchill Thatcher.

Nonsense, say the membership of the Tewkesbury Sex Addicts and Nymphomaniacs Association, it was Renfield’s call for “greater sexual intercourse among Britons” that led to his overwhelming victory.

On the evening of Wednesday June 7th earlier this week, British Prime Minister Theresa May was wanting Renfield R. Renfield charged with high treason for his unauthorized use of the British Brigade of Gurkhas in his own personal not officially sanctioned raid on an ISIS training camp (Mrs. May now presides over a hung parliament and a minority government).

The high treason charge was immediately vetoed by Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II after Renfield had jumped in and saved one of her beloved Pembroke Welsh corgis from drowning in a swimming pool…”

“It’s a good thing,” Renfield grinned while reading the Manchester Guardian article on his landslide election victory, “that no one and especially the Queen noticed that I was the one who pushed the corgi in the swimming pool in the first place so I could earn the Queen’s unending gratitude by diving in and rescuing it.”

Renfield went back to reading the article…

Renfield will be having a fellow Transhumanist joining him in Parliament.

Welsh songstress Morgana Fay Lee (who some people claim is an ancient vampiress and the alleged niece of the sorceress Morgan Le Fay of Arthurian fame) defeated sitting incumbent Labour MP Magog Rhys Petley (who some people claim is a werewolf) by over 300 votes in the constituency of Newbridge in Wales.

Renfield R. Renfield and the Welsh Vampiress Morgana will be taking their seats as Transhumanist MPs in the Westminster Parliament sometime in the next few weeks…

“Wow,” the South African cultural attache Lepardia Marango thought to herself as she read the Manchester Guardian article, “I dated both Labour MP Magog Rhys Petley and Conservative MP Agathor Christie in the past and now both have been defeated by British Transhumanist candidates.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday June 9th
2017.

Lepardia Marango
Lepardia Marango: Did her dating of two British MPs cause the election of two Transhumanists to the UK Parliament?

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Renfield’s Attack On ISIS Camp In Libya

June 6, 2017 at 5:15 pm (Espionage, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

Despite the fact that Britain’s 3 main political parties the Conservatives, Labour and the Liberal Democrats had suspended their campaigns in the wake of the recent London terrorist attack, Renfield R. Renfield was boldly going ahead with his British Transhumanist Techno-Progressive Anti Bio-Conservative Party campaign in the constituency of Tewkesbury In The Cotswolds.- he was boldly going where no British politician had gone before.

He had phoned Ariana Grande after the One Love Manchester concert and asked if she’d appear in a photo-op with him which he’d put on his campaign pamphlets that he’d distribute in his constituency in the days leading up to the election.

“Who is this?” Ariana had asked on the phone after Renfield had described his definitely in poor taste photo-op he had planned to help benefit his political career.

“Renfield R. Renfield,” Renfield had replied.

“You pervert,” said Ariana and she immediately disconnected the call.

Renfield was silent for a moment.

“Oh well, at least she’s obviously heard of me,” Renfield put his smart phone back in his jacket vest pocket.

Renfield then decided to call in members of the British Brigade of Gurkhas to stage a raid on an ISIS training camp in Libya.

The Gurkhas are soldiers of Nepalese nationality.

The Brigade of Gurkhas celebrated 200 years of service in the British Army in 2015.

The Gurkhas are ferocious fearless fighters.

They are associated with the khukuri a Nepalese knife with an inwardly curved blade that is used as both a tool and a weapon in Nepal.

The Gurkhas are human equivalents of stealth fighters who are able to move both silently and invisibly during the night.

Lots of German soldiers in both World Wars I and II found themselves lying dead in their tents in the morning after their throats were slashed by the Gurkhas who had snuck into their camps and snuck out again.

Renfield recalled Dracul Van Helsing talking about a British Army friend of his father who one night in the Second World War woke up in his sleep and found someone feeling his shoelaces (British Army soldiers were instructed to sleep with their boots on as were the Germans).

A voice said, “It’s all right, Johnny, go back to sleep.”

Johnny is what the Gurkhas called a British Army soldier.

Jerry is what they called a German.

British Army soldiers and German Army soldiers tied the laces of their boots in different ways. Army regulations and all that.

So Gurkhas out on their nighttime missions were able to tell if the tent they were in belonged to a British or German soldier by the way the person inside the tent had tied their shoelaces.

In Van Helsing’s father’s friend’s case, he was told, “It’s all right, Johnny, go back to sleep.”

In a German soldier’s case, whether he was told “It’s not all right, Jerry” as he was dispatched with the khukuri knife to his eternal sleep, we’ll never know because the German soldier was too dead to tell us.

During the 1982 Falkland Islands War between Britain And Argentina, when the British Army General Staff announced they were sending a brigade of Welsh Army Gurkhas into the islands, that’s when the Argentinian military command in the Falkland Islands capital of Port Stanley announced they were surrendering and proceeded to raise the white flag over Port Stanley.

The former Indian Army Chief of Staff Field Marshal Sam Manekshaw once said, “If a man says he is not afraid of dying, he is either lying or he is a Gurkha.”

Many of the Brigade of Gurkhas in contemporary times do a lot of their nighttime stealth military training in the Canadian Armed Forces base near the town of Wainwright, Alberta, Canada.

The reason being that there are a lot of deer near Wainwright.

And part of the Gurkha’s successful passing of his military training is to sneak up to a deer at night and kill it by slashing its throat with a khukuri knife.

And of course, once you can sneak up to a deer with its expert astute sensitive hearing in the middle of the night and kill it without the deer noticing, then of course you can easily sneak up to a human being who does not have the acute expert sensitive hearing of a deer and do the same.

Renfield sent over a group of the Brigade of Gurkhas to an ISIS Islamic State training camp in Libya over night.

The next day as the Islamic State “fighters” went about their business, a huge holographic image of Renfield R. Renfield suddenly appeared overhead above the camp.

The holographic image was being beamed by a Set Enterprises advanced television satellite.

“Good day, you group of gonorrhea infested scumbags and worst of the garbage and refuse fallen from the plate of Mother Earth…”

Renfield poured himself a glass of beer.

From a 100 ounce bottle of beer whose giant label read,

REAL ALCOHOLIC BEER
WINNERS DRINK IT
LOSERS DON’T !

“Just to let you know,” Renfield grinned at the camera which made it appear he was grinning at the Islamic State losers, “while you were sleeping, a group of Gurkha fighters crawled into your tents and tied a small bag of nails and explosives to your testicles. I have here in my hand the detonator which when I press it will blow your testicles as well as the rest of you to Kingdom Come. But first I have a small poem I wrote which I’d like to recite before I do so. You of course do have the option of trying to get the bag off your testicles but that will result in a premature ejaculation and premature explosion if you do so…

Renfield (reciting poem):

You call yourself warriors but what sort of warrior can only kill people by blowing himself up in the process
You obviously learned nothing in school just how to be a loser during the time we call recess
You blow up girls at concerts
’cause your weenies are tiny little spurts
You can’t fight man to man combat
’cause you’re not men but a type of mutant rat
you know as my dear old mom used to say, It’s time to cut the crap
and I agree and I say like film directors of old, that’s a wrap…

Renfield put his hand on the detonator and grinned.

“Well,” he smiled, “to paraphrase my television alter ego, Raymond Red Reddington, you won’t be able to die on the bright side, you won’t die with a marvelous erection.”

Renfield pushed the button on the detonator.

On the camp loudspeakers the following song started blaring in tune with the numerous testicle nail bomb explosions,

“I’d like to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony,
I’d like to buy the world a Coke and keep it company,
it’s the real thing…”

In the sky, a skywriter airplane wrote the words,

ABSOLUTELY NO 72 DARK-EYED VIRGINS FOR YOU

Seinfeld soup inspired words of comfort for those still alive and dying from their testicle nail bomb inflicted wounds.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday June 6th
2017.

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Yet Another UK Campaign Debate With Renfield

June 2, 2017 at 4:20 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec was visiting Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing over in England.

They decided to drive up to the town of Tewkesbury to see British Transhumanist Techno-Progressive Anti Bio-Conservative candidate Renfield R. Renfield in action.

Renfield’s campaign debate comments and antics had become the talk of the British nation in what was otherwise a very dull election campaign.

At his most recent campaign debate, he had held up a very realistic looking replica severed head of American comedian Kathy Griffin.

Qonzilqointec and Dracul had arrived at the town hall in Tewkesbury just in time for the debate to begin.

The subject of the debate was the United Kingdom’s Place In The Modern World.

Renfield wore a t-shirt with a photoshopped picture of himself peering out from the knockers of Demi Lovato wearing a low-cut dress.

When the subject came to the issue of Anglo-Latin American relations, Renfield suddenly dashed behind a changing screen.

He then returned wearing a tight-fitting flashy matador’s costume and hat.

He grabbed the microphone and began singing his own personal paraphrase of an old Tom Jones song:

That young new Mexican puppeteer
all the people they all lived in fear
of that young new Mexican puppeteer
He took some fire and he took some wood
he made a puppet and he looked good
and played strings like only a puppeteer could…

“He must be singing about my spiritual godfather Quetzalcoatl when he showed up in Mexico centuries ago,” Qonzilqointec whispered to Dracul Van Helsing.

“Only Renfield can come up with a song that’s better than the original,” Dracul answered.

“Madame Chairwoman,” sitting incumbent British Conservative MP Agathor Christie got up from his chair and angrily addressed debate moderator Sherrielock Holmes, “I really must strenuously object to Candidate Renfield’s comments and antics during these Tewkesbury In The Cotswolds constituency campaign debates. He’s making me look positively boring by comparison.”

“Agathor,” Sherrielock Holmes admonished, “Even if you were in a room all by yourself, you’d still look positively boring by comparison.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday June 2nd
2017.

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