Define Bachelor!
A bachelor is …..
# One who avoids Bride-Eyed women.
# One who believes in Life, Liberty and the Happiness of Pursuit.
# One who believes in Wine, Women and So-Long.
# One who believes that one can live as cheaply as two.
# One who can forget his mistakes.
# One who can get into bed from either side.
# One who can go fishing anytime, until he gets hooked.
# One who can have a girl on his knee without having her on his hands.
# One who can leave his socks and wallet lying around the house.
# One who can tell his symptoms to his Doctor without having his wife interrupt.
# One who can’t be Spouse-Broken.
# One who can’t stand the strain of a wife.
# One who cheated some woman out of a divorce.
# One who doesn’t have to leave the party when he starts having a good time.
# One who failed to embrace his opportunities
# One who is a free male.
# One who is allergic to Wedding cakes.
# One who is Foot-Loose and Family-Free.
# One who is known as a Dame Dropper.
# One who is not missing anything in life except a few buttons on his shirt.
# One who knows all the ankles.
# One who knows how to hold a woman’s hand so that she doesn’t get a grip on him.
# One who knows if he has a steady girl on the string he may wind up on a leash.
# One who knows more about Women than Men. That’s why he is a Bachelor.
# One who leans toward a woman but not far enough to fall.
# One who likes his Girl Friend just the way she is…Single!!!!
# One who looks, but does not leap.
# One who never chases a woman he couldn’t outrun.
# One who never knows whom the next kiss is coming from.
# One who never makes the same mistake once.
# One who never met a girl he couldn’t live without.
# One who never Mrs. Anything.
# One who never says, “I’ll Give You A Ring Tomorrow!”
# One who plays the game of love and manages to retain his amateur outstanding.
# One who prefers ripe tomatoes with little dressing.
# One who thinks he is a thing of Beauty and a Boy forever.
# One who travels fastest in a parked car.
# One who tries to avoid the issue.
# One who usually has his hands full trying to loosen a woman’s grip.
# One who wakes up in the morning with all of the blankets.
# One who washes only one set of dishes.
# One who when a girl asks him for a Diamond Ring, he turns Stone-Deaf.
# One who when he opens the window in his apartment, more dust blows out than in.
# One who won’t take `Yes’ for an answer.
# One who would rather change girls than change their names.
# One who would rather cook his own goose.
# One who would rather have a woman on his mind than on his neck.
# One who would rather mend his socks than his ways.
| DraculVanHelsing said: A well-reasoned argument, Amit my friend! Therefore shouldn’t a Bachelor’s Degree be a higher degree than a Ph.D? July 01, ’07 |
On Men and Women
Men and Women
* A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t want.
* A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
* A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
* To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
* Married men live longer than single men – but married men are a lot more willing to die.
* Any married man should forget his mistakes – there’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.
* Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
* A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change and she does.
* A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
* There are two times when a man doesn’t understand a woman – before marriage and after marriage.
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DraculVanHelsing said: Confucius say this entry has much wisdom behind it. Mrs. Confucius say, stop philosophizing and take out the garbage! July 01, ’07 |
On Stages of Drunkeness
5 Stages of Drunkenness
Stage 1 – SMART
This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.
Stage 2 – GOOD LOOKING
This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.
Stage 3 – RICH
This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you win all your bets. It doesn’t matter how much you bet ’cause you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.
Stage 4 – BULLET PROOF
You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you’re BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!
Stage 5 – INVISIBLE
This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you’re still SMART you know all the words.
| DraculVanHelsing said: Then there’s the final stage… DEAD drunk! This happens when your smart good looking rich bullet proof insible ass turns out not to be so smart, good looking, rich, bullet proof or invisible. Particularly bullet proof… that’s the last time you’ll be hitting on the neighbourhood Mafia’s don’s mistress or anybodly else for that matter! June 30, ’07 |
Types of Girlfriends
Types of Girlfriends
1) Ms. Nice Gal – “Tickets to the boxing match? Oh Darling, you shouldn’t have”
Also known as: What a gal, precious, one of the boys, my main squeeze, doormat
Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly
Disadvantages: May wise up someday
2) Old Yeller – “You god-damned spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of a bit*#! Can’t you see you’re making me miserable??”
Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell
Advantages: Pays attention to you
Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans
3) Sickly – “Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite”
Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Glumpy
Advantages: Predictable
Disadvantages: Contagious
4) The Bosser – “Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut. Change your job. Make some money. Don’t give me that look.”
Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain, yes Mom
Advantages: Often right
Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?
5) Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied – “I just can’t decide. Should I switch my career, goals, home, and hair color?”
Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw c’mon Honey
Advantages: Easily soothed
Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed
6) Wild Woman out of Control – “I’ve got an idea. Lez get drunk an’ make love onna front lawn. I done it before. S’fun.”
Also known as: Fast girl, freewheeler, goodtime charleena, passed out
Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys
Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs
7) Huffy – “I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at”
Also known as: No fun, humorless prig, Cold fish, Chilly proposition, iceberg, Snarly
Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you
Disadvantages: You will have no friends
8) Woman from Mars – “I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel about our relationship”
Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic
Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable
Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud
9) Ms. Dreamgirl – “I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like crazed weasels now”
Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous
aAdvantagesAdvantages: Funny, intelligent uninhibited
Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you.
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DraculVanHelsing said: Amit, after reading this, I now know why I’m still single. It’s because the dream girl will have nothing to do with me. |
Dracul Van Helsing 