600th Anniversary of Battle of Agincourt

October 25, 2015 at 6:50 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, Humour, Literature, Plays, Quotations and Sayings of Dracul Van Helsing) (, , , , , , , )

600th Anniversary of Battle of Agincourt

It was 600 years ago today- October 25th 1415- St. Crispin’s Day- that England’s King Henry V delivered a speech written for him by the yet-to-be- born future playwright William Shakespeare and then went on to defeat French forces at the Battle of Agincourt.

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And The Wolf Shall Lie Down With A Bottle of Budweiser

January 30, 2015 at 7:09 pm (Commentary, News, Quotations and Sayings of Dracul Van Helsing, TV Commercials) (, , , , )

And The Wolf Shall Lie Down With A Bottle of Budweiser

Well some group is actually upset with a Super Bowl ad by Budweiser for showing a wolf approach a puppy in a threatening manner.

The group is asking people to call Budweiser and ask them to withdraw that part of the ad before this Sunday’s Super Bowl saying that wolves already receive enough bad PR.

I wonder if we’ll hear this news story on the radio soon:

A rabid animal rights activist was so angry when he heard about the ad, he pulled his truck over to call Budweiser and demand they withdraw that portion of the ad.
When he finished talking on the phone, he looked into the back of the cab of his truck and found a wolf had just eaten the puppy dog in the back he was bringing home to surprise his children.

Meanwhile in other news, a pro-shark group is demanding that Turner Classic Movies stop showing the 1975 Steven Spielberg film Jaws that shows sharks eating humans saying that sharks receive enough bad PR already.

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Is AI (Artificial Intelligence) A Threat To Humanity? – A News Bulletin

January 28, 2015 at 8:04 pm (Commentary, News, Quotations and Sayings of Dracul Van Helsing, Satire, Science, Technology) (, , , )

Is AI (Artificial Intelligence) A Threat To Humanity? – A News Bulletin

Radio news announcer: In a statement released today, Microsoft said that “Artificial Intelligence will not kill us.”
This bulletin just in… Microsoft owner Bill Gates has been found strangled by his robot butler after Gates refused to grant the robotic valet a night off for a date with a robotic lookalike of Shakira…

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Three Surefire Ways To Keep Your New Year’s Resolutions This Year

January 1, 2015 at 6:27 pm (Commentary, Humour, Quotations and Sayings of Dracul Van Helsing, Satire) (, , , )

Three Surefire Ways To Keep Your New Year’s Resolutions This Year

#1. Don’t make any New Year’s resolutions.

#2. Don’t make any New Year’s resolutions.

And…

#3. Don’t make any New Year’s resolutions.

-Advice written by Christopher
Thursday January 1st 2015.

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Top 10 Reasons Why Kim Jong-un Won’t Be Interviewed By David Letterman In New York City

December 21, 2014 at 9:01 pm (Commentary, Entertainment, Geopolitics and International Relations, Movies, News, Quotations and Sayings of Dracul Van Helsing, Television, TV Shows) (, , , , , , , , , , )

Top 10 Reasons Why Kim Jong-un Won’t Be Interviewed By David Letterman In New York City

#10. Is worried he’ll be forced to apologize if he throws a fit being served peanuts in a bag on a Korean Airlines flight to America

#9. He’s already seen most of the in-flight movies on his home computer screen

#8. Deathly afraid of subliminal swearing that might come through on his Sony headphones while in flight

#7. Doesn’t know where to go for Korean food in Times Square

#6. Very worried that New York City cab drivers won’t accept North Korean currency

#5. He’ll have to wait until next year to see the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Santa Claus Parade

#4. Is worried that he’ll be asked to perform the Gangnam Style dance by stupid New York City tourists mistaking him for South Korean pop star Psy

#3. Is very worried that pigeons in Central Park might mistake him for a statue

#2. Is deathly afraid that he might be assassinated by the CIA in the middle of a Stupid Pet Tricks routine on the Letterman Show

and the #1 reason why Kim Jong-un won’t be interviewed by David Letterman is

#1. He’s already been asked by Ellen DeGeneres

-A Top 10 List For
David Letterman
written by Christopher
Sunday December 21st
2014.

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Song About Mrs. Raymond Red Reddington of The Blacklist

September 25, 2014 at 11:32 pm (Entertainment, Music, Poetry, Quotations and Sayings of Dracul Van Helsing, Songs, Television, TV Shows) (, , , , , , , , , , )

Song About Mrs. Raymond Red Reddington of The Blacklist

On the exciting action-packed opening episode of the second season of The Blacklist that premiered earlier this week, it turned out that Mrs. Raymond Red Reddington is still alive.

To celebrate this occasion, I have written a song about Mrs. Reddington and her husband Raymond- you can call him Ray or you can call him Red.

Mrs. Reddington

(to the tune of Mrs. Robinson)

And here’s to you, Mrs. Reddington,
Raymond loves you more than you will know,
Whoa-ho-ho-ho
God bless you please, Mrs. Reddington
Heaven holds a place for those who pray,
especially those that know Ray
Hey, hey, hey, hey.

We’d like to know a little bit about you for our files
for the one-armed hook guy who better not scratch his piles
Look around until all you see are sympathetic eyes
Don’t ask for human fingers with your fries.

Chorus refrain- the original first stanza of this song.

Hide it in the hiding place where no one ever goes,
the next thing to be lopped off might be your nose,
It’s a little secret just the Reddingtons’ affair
don’t let the house go up in flames of despair,
Most of all you’ve got to hide it from the kids
as smoke gets under your mascara eyelids.

Boo-hoo-hoo-hoo, Mrs. Reddington
Raymond loves you more than you will know etc.
the next lines of the choral refrain first verse.

Sitting on a sofa on a Sunday afternoon
as hookman’s chainsaw starts up a new tune
Laugh about it, shout about it
When you’ve got to choose
Every way you look at this you lose.

Where have you gone, Red Reddington,
Our nation turns its lonely eyes to you,
you could kick ISIS’ ass so blue,
What’s that you say, Mrs. Reddington?
Dashing Ray has left and gone away,
Hey, hey, hey, hey,
but he’ll be back another day.

-Christopher Van Helsing
(with apologies to Simon and Garfunkel)

-Thursday night, September 25th 2014.

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Intersection of Hemlock and Broadway

September 24, 2014 at 6:40 pm (Commentary, Quotations and Sayings of Dracul Van Helsing) (, , , , )

I came across an interesting intersection while out walking today.

The intersection was at the corner of Hemlock Street and Broadway Avenue.

Of course as soon as I saw the name of this intersection- Hemlock and Broadway- I immediately came up with my own fictional radio news headline,

“A pedestrian Socrates Ziegfeld died at the intersection of Hemlock and Broadway today. He met his final folly and drank his last cup of life while attempting to cross the street…”

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Denver Taco Truck Sold Meth and Cocaine

September 23, 2014 at 4:59 pm (Commentary, Entertainment, Music, News, Quotations and Sayings of Dracul Van Helsing) (, , , , , , , , , )

Denver Taco Truck Sold Meth and Cocaine

Police in Denver Colorado have busted a drug ring that apparently sold meth and cocaine from a taco truck.

What gave it away was someone finally wondered why the taco truck kept playing that old John Denver song The Colorado Rocky Mountain High on its loudspeakers all the time.

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Ghosts Give Their Endorsements In Scottish Independence Referendum

September 13, 2014 at 7:21 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, News, Politics, Quotations and Sayings of Dracul Van Helsing) (, , , , , , )

Ghosts Give Their Endorsements In Scottish Independence Referendum

The ghosts of William Wallace, Robert the Bruce, James the Black Douglas, Rob Roy and Bonnie Prince Charlie took a break from their heavenly harp playing to urge today’s Scots to vote for an independent Scotland.

On the other side, England’s King Edward I, King William of Orange and William Augustus the Duke of Cumberland screamed while roasting on their respective spits that Scots should vote against an independent Scotland, adding that a Yes vote would only add to their present agony.

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Ray Rice Statement aka ‘Tis A Tale Told By An Idiot

September 10, 2014 at 4:19 pm (Commentary, News, Quotations and Sayings of Dracul Van Helsing, Sports) (, , , , )

Ray Rice Statement aka ‘Tis A Tale Told By An Idiot

Ray Rice has issued a statement calling for greater understanding.

Speaking of understanding, I understand Dr. Hannibal Lecter is going to make a dish out of the domestic violence practicing athlete appropriately called Chicken Fried Rice.

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