Renfield In Egypt and Then Germany

April 29, 2017 at 2:33 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Religion, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

After the papal speech at al-Azhar University in Cairo, Pope Francis and the Egyptian vampire Osiris met behind closed doors with Islamic leaders from across the Muslim world.

A phone call from the conference room was put in to Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu and the Chief Rabbis of Israel.

Renfield R. Renfield who had bugged the room made notes.

“That’s very interesting,” Renfield thought to himself.

He left the notes on the table in his Cairo hotel room and put in a call to his boss the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set letting him know the developments.

“What,” Set seethed, “that bastard Osiris! Why does everyone want to make deals with him and not me?”.

“The world has bad taste, boss,” Renfield replied as he flicked through the Cairo hotel TV guide and noticed the reality TV shows Survivor and also Big Brother Canada were available on the hotel’s TV programming.

“What the world needs is a statue of Set in the proposed ecumenical Interfaith Temple in Jerusalem,” Set started pulling his hair out with his razor sharp fingernails in a dramatic barber like scene that hadn’t been seen since the days Johnny Depp played Edward Scissorhands.

Meanwhile over in North Korea, Kim Jong-un was busy sobbing on to his teddy bear (that had the face of Anthony Hopkins as Dr. Hannibal Lecter on it), “That woman in my dream told me that if I painted an image of a scorpion attacking the testicles of a white bull on my ballistic missiles, they’d launch successfully.”

The beautiful Korean woman in the white gown (from his dream) appeared behind him in reality and kicked him in the ass and told him, “I also told you to write the Latin words IN HOC SIGNO VINCES above the image, you idiot.”

Renfield decided to stop off in Germany on his way home from Cairo.

He had received a message from his new found ally the Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing.

There was important business that Renfield had to attend to in Bavaria.

In a quiet Bavarian village, Herr Dummkopf Drecksack was a driving test administrator.

He was the motherfucking asshole of all driving test administrators.

He had just given a hard time to a personal friend of Dracul Van Helsing and Renfield R. Renfield.

Flunking her for making one mistake.

Renfield followed the pink velvet pants wearing Herr Dummkopf Drecksack as he walked down the street.

He followed him to a post office where the man picked up a dozen packages of viagra and a dozen packages of cialis.

He then put them in his brown coloured VW bug and drove home.

Inside his house, he lit a candle in front of the giant photo of Adolf Hitler above his black altar.

“Like Adolf, do you?” Renfield said behind him.

“What the?-” Herr Dummkopf Drecksack turned around.

That evening, Berlin’s national TV news channel reported, “The driving test administrator was found hanging from his rusty brown VW bug in the middle of the town square with his pants and underpants pulled down and a dozen packages of viagra hanging from his right arm and a dozen packages of cialis hanging from his left arm…”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday April 29th
2017.

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Kim Jong-un’s Strange Dream

April 27, 2017 at 4:51 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, Horror, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, News, Religion, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un had had a busy day.

He spent part of it overseeing the executions of people he deemed his “enemies”.

That took more than half his day. Finally he had to leave the execution site and attend to his other chores.

The other part of the day he spent inspecting the milking of cows while he smiled benignly with dairy workers in photos taken and released to the international press to show the world what a nice happy go-lucky guy he was.

Kim did wonder though why it took North Korean Red Army soldiers pointing their guns at them to force the North Korean dairy workers to smile.

Of course those soldiers with pointed guns weren’t shown in the photos released to the international press.

Kim then went home to bed where he had another beautiful North Korean Red Army female soldier waiting for him to attend to his special needs.

Once again trying to raise a certain part of his anatomy went about as successfully as most of his missile launches.

What a pity.

He would have to have his beautiful female companion for this night executed.

He couldn’t risk stories about his poor bedroom performance leaking out.

Kim Jong-un then watched a video of his half-brother Kim Jong-nam keeling over in Kuala Lumpur International Airport and dying.

Laughing, he turned off the TV and then the lights and went to sleep.

He dreamed he was walking by the ruins of an ancient temple that locals called the “Red Basilica”.

A voice from the Red Basilica hearkened unto him.

“Enter,” said the voice.

He entered the temple and there above the ruined altar, he saw a vision magically appear above it.

The vision showed a scorpion attacking the testicles of a white bull.

Above the vision of a scorpion attacking the testicles of a white bull were these words, IN HOC SIGNO VINCES.

As Kim’s knowledge of Latin was non-existent, a voice after several moments spoke these words, “In this sign, conquer.”

Since Kim’s English wasn’t so great either, the voice then spoke the same words in Korean.

Kim stood there with a stupid looking expression on his face.

Finally a beautiful Korean woman in a white gown appeared over the altar and said, “It means, you idiot, you take this vision you saw of the scorpion attacking the white bull and you paint it on your missiles and they will rise and perform and do what it is that they’re supposed to do.”

“Oh,” Kim answered.

He then woke up.

He then phoned his missile launch center and told them to paint a picture of a scorpion attacking the testicles of a white bull and then place a painting of the image on each one of his missiles.

He hung up the phone.

He then wondered if he should get a Pyongyang tattoo artist to put a tattoo of the image (a scorpion attacking the testicles of a white bull) on a certain part of his anatomy and he might get a better performance out of it.

No, Kim shook his head.

He had a vision of a Korean George Costanza (the name of a character from the American TV show Seinfeld) saying to him, “That’s gotta hurt.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday April 27th
2017.

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Egyptian Family Feud- 2017 Style

April 25, 2017 at 4:36 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Religion, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

Renfield R. Renfield the chief of Security and Intelligence Gathering for Set Enterprises was attending a staff meeting on the Set Estate (the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire’s colossal West London mansion) with the Vampire Set himself, Set’s personal concert pianist Amadeus Emanon and Athelstan the personal butler and valet to the aforementioned vampire.

Renfield called the meeting to order.

“So,” Renfield belched after pounding the gavel, “Amadeus, I understand you were in charge of analyzing Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster’s revelations while I was away plotting the overthrow of the Nicolas Maduro government in Venezuela.”

“That’s correct,” Amadeus Emanon bit into a grilled cheese sandwich.

“Did Michelangelo reveal anything earth shattering?” Renfield asked as he drank from a bottle of Raven Conspiracy Deep Dark Red Wine.

“Well,” Amadeus munched on a Greek salad made with Goddess Athena Brand Feta Cheese, “apparently Pope Francis likes milk and cookies while the late former British Prime Minister Winston Churchill liked brandy.” (https://draculvanhelsing.wordpress.com/2017/04/19/michelangelo-foresees-pope-francis-at-regensburg/ )

“So, tell me something I don’t know,” Renfield pushed away a copy of an organic chemistry textbook in front of him.

“Mr. Renfield, sir,” Athelstan coughed, “I believe Mr. Emanon also listened in to the wiretaps you have on Master Set’s brother Osiris’ phone in Rome.”

“Really?” Renfield noticed that 5 dominatrixes were now following him on his Twitter account, “And did you discover anything earth shattering there, Amadeus?”.

The billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set stopped licking his toe nails with his long serpent like forked tongue and listened to what Amadeus had to say.

“Well apparently Pope Francis has invited Osiris to accompany him when he visits Egypt this coming April 28th to 29th,” Amadeus ate a chocolate covered pyramid made out of peanuts.

“What?” Set spit an extra large toe nail out of his mouth in anger, “My brother Osiris was invited to Egypt to attend the inter-faith peace conference at Cairo’s Al-Azhar University with Pope Francis and I wasn’t.”

“That is correct,” Amadeus unwrapped a green coloured chocolate statue of Osiris and started eating it.

“Renfield,” Set seethed, “I want you to go to Egypt and spy on Osiris and Pope Francis and see what they’re up to.”

“But, boss,” Renfield applied moisturizing cream to his moustache, “this week I start campaigning in the constituency of Tewkesbury In The Cotswolds as the British Transhumanist Techno-Progressive Anti-Bioconservative Party Candidate.”

“Well, if you fail to go to Egypt to spy on Pope Francis and Osiris on my behalf,” Set started eating from the pot of crocodile stew in front of him, “you can kiss your 500 million British pounds sterling a year salary good-bye since you’ll be out of a job with me plus you can move out of my mansion as you’re no longer an employee here.”

Within seconds, Renfield was on the phone booking a flight from London to Cairo.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
The Feast Day of Saint Mark
(1st Bishop of Alexandria in Egypt)
April 25th 2017.

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French Presidential Election: A Defeat For The Kraken

April 24, 2017 at 4:54 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, Politics, Religion) (, , , )

The Kraken who called himself Napoleon VI was in a total state of shock.

In his mortal human life the Kraken had been Italian mad scientist Dr. Poseidon Prometheus.

Dying of a fatal disease, Dr. Poseidon Prometheus had uploaded his consciousness into the body of a cyborg octopus (part robot and part octopus) with metallic hooked tentacled arms.

He had later met and fell in love with the ex-gorgon Medusa (Medusa had been cured of her Gorgoness and her snaky hairstyle (that turned people to stone) by British mad scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher.

Back on December 2nd 2015 on a whim, Napoleon VI had himself and Medusa crowned Emperor and Empress of France respectively at Notre Dame Cathedral. The coronation had received the papal blessing of Pope Francis. (Please read https://draculvanhelsing.wordpress.com/2015/12/02/the-crunch-kraken-of-notre-dame/ )

But despite that, the Imperial coronation had not been recognized by the French government, the French National Assembly, the French judiciary or even the French people.

To rectify that situation, this year the Kraken Napoleon VI decided to run for President of France.

Once elected President of France, he’d then call a referendum to have himself proclaimed Emperor of the French.

Back in January, he had even started his own political party for this purpose the Aquarian Age Bonapartist Party.

He had received the Aquarian Age Bonapartist Party nomination for President unanimously (since he and Medusa were the only members of the Aquarian Age Bonapartist Party).

But to paraphrase Robbie Burns, “the best laid plans of mice and Kraken, they often go astray”.

Because in yesterday’s first round Presidential election in France, he had come in in 12th and last place.

Napoleon VI blamed the media for his defeat.

They only talked about the 11 candidates running for President during the election.

Forgetting that there was a 12th candidate- himself the Kraken Napoleon VI- the Aquarian Age Bonapartist candidate.

Centrist candidate Emmanuel Macron and far-rightist candidate Marine Le Pen would both advance to the next and final round of the French Presidential election.

Now in each of the Kraken’s eight tentacled arms, he held a bottle of Napoleon Brandy.

He finished off each bottle.

Medusa who was trying on new dresses that she had bought herself today (to console her grief) looked over at her husband.

He was going to one Hell of a hangover, she thought to herself.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday April 24th
2017.

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NASA, The Zohar and The Seven-Planet Star System

March 6, 2017 at 3:41 pm (Detective story, Geopolitics and International Relations, Horror, International Intrigue, Mystery, Mystery/horror, Religion, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

The Mossad agent they called The Controller of the Golem was back in Jerusalem.

He had spent months recovering in a private London hospital (connected to Set Enterprises) after he had been poisoned with Polonium-210 given him by the ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith.

Now he was reading a report that a group of fanatically inclined Kabbalistic Jews were intending to blow up the Dome on the Rock and the Mosque of Omar and replace it with a Third Jewish Temple.

What was bringing about the action was NASA’s discovery of a 7-planet star system with its Spitzer space telescope.

The dwarf star called Trappist-1 (39 light years away from Earth) had 7 planets orbiting it.

The trouble was that the Zohar (the foundational work of Jewish mysticism) predicted the appearance of a star with seven “stars” orbiting it prior to the arrival of the Messiah…

… a star will rise up in the East, blazing in all colours, and seven other stars will surround that star. And they will wage war on it.

Now one sect was convinced that NASA’s announcement was proof of this star system predicted in the Zohar.

The Messiah wouldn’t be far behind.

Well, the Controller sighed, he didn’t know about the Messiah but he had the feeling Hell on Earth was just around the corner.

Lilith The Vampiress

Lilith: One glass of Polonium-210 this day
will send the coroner heading your way

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday March 6th
2017.

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Sherlock Holmes and The Zohar

March 5, 2017 at 4:47 pm (Detective story, Geopolitics and International Relations, Horror, International Intrigue, Mystery, Mystery/horror, Religion, The Supernatural) (, , , , , , , )

Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster was having a dream about Basil Rathbone as Sherlock Holmes and Nigel Bruce as Dr. Watson. In the dream, Holmes said to Watson:

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson

According to the Zohar the foundational text of Jewish mysticism, Watson, a seven-star system similar to our own will be discovered and then all Hell shall break loose.

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This Ottoman Is Getting A Little Worn

March 3, 2017 at 7:28 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Politics, Religion, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

In Berlin, Germany, Chancellor Angela Merkel was enjoying a nice dinner of sauerkraut and German sausages along with a glass of white Riesling wine.

In Ankara, Turkey, Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan the would-be Sultan of a revived Ottoman Empire was busy peeing his pants and foaming at the mouth over the fact that Berlin wouldn’t allow rallies in Germany for his pro-dictatorship referendum among Turkish citizens living there.

A pissed off Erdogan accused Berlin of “aiding and harbouring terror”.

As Erdogan continued to rant and rave in one of the 250 rooms of the new Presidential Palace in Ankara, a bat flew into the room.

The bat immediately turned into a Greek woman wearing a Phoenician purple coloured evening dress.

“Who the Hell are you?” Erdogan demanded to know as saliva flew up into his moustache.

The woman who was a vampiress picked Erdogan up by his collar and threw him against one of the room’s gold-plated walls.

“I am the Vampiress Theodora, you impotent little bedwetter with a small penis,” the Byzantine vampiress introduced herself, “in my mortal life, I was the Byzantine Empress Theodora the wife of the Emperor Justinian I the greatest Emperor of the Byzantine Empire. Just letting you know that the Ottoman Empire will never be revived. Istanbul shall revert to being called Constantinople again and will once again be the capital of a new Byzantine Empire after you centuries old interlopers have gone.”

She kicked Erdogan in his children’s marbles sized testicles with her purple spiked stiletto high-heeled shoes, turned into a bat and left.

“Ow,” Erdogan rubbed his testicles, “I think I much prefer that ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith who has the little green frog called Nimrod that sometimes jumps up from the top of her low-cut dress.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday March 3rd 2017.

Byzantine Empress Theodora

Theodora: Byzantium shall be restored.

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Hecate In The Vatican

March 2, 2017 at 7:43 pm (Detective story, Geopolitics and International Relations, Horror, International Intrigue, Mystery, Mystery/horror, Mythology, News, Religion, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , )

Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing and Peter Whitstable the Fox Mulder of Interpol were busy walking the halls of the Vatican.

Unofficially of course.

Since Dracul Van Helsing had been banned from the Vatican for calling German Cardinal Walter Kasper a heretic (even though he is one!).

Dracul Van Helsing had written a Monty Python Lumberjack Song style script in which Cardinal Kasper had gone around singing, “Oh, I’m a heretic and I’m okay.”

Cardinal Kasper was not amused.

And neither was his boss Pope Francis.

Van Helsing and Whitstable were in the Vatican because they had been informed by sources in the know that Hecate the Greek goddess of witchcraft, necromancy and sorcery had been seen wandering the halls of the Vatican.

“Well,” Dracul commented, “no doubt Alexander Hislop the author of The Two Babylons is dancing with joy in his grave at the fact that Hecate has been spotted wandering the halls of the Vatican..’

Hecate had been spotted in the Vatican in each one of her three forms- maiden, matron and crone.

“This,” Whitstable opened the door to the room of the enigmatic Cardinal JM, “is the room from which Hecate first emerged according to our source.”

Van Helsing and Whitstable entered the room which was empty of any Crosses, Crucifixes or statues of Mary and the Saints.

There on the Cardinal’s altar was an unusual assembly of paraphernalia.

“That doesn’t look like Greek sorcery there,” said Whitstable, “it looks more like Haitian voodoo.”

“It does,” Van Helsing agreed,

“And there appears to be a photo of some Cardinal whose image has been made into a voodoo doll stuck with pins,” Whitstable pointed, “Do you recognize the Cardinal, Dracul?”.

“It’s Raymond Leo Cardinal Burke,” Dracul replied, “the former Patron of the Sovereign Military Order of Malta.”

“What did he do to inspire Cardinal JM’s hatred?” Whitstable asked.

“I don’t know,” Dracul Van Helsing shrugged, “but it appears there’s something rotten in the state of the Vatican.”

Meanwhile in his suite in the Kremlin, Russian President Vladimir Putin was dreaming of a vision he had encountered in the forest outside Moscow last autumn.

The vision was of Hecate in her maiden form handing him a crystal ball in the shape of a purple globe of the world.

Hecate The Greek Goddess of Witchcraft In Her Maiden Form

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday March 2nd
2017.

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Jack O’ Hare On Saint David’s Day: A Short Poem

March 1, 2017 at 7:42 pm (Children's Story, Comedy, Humour, Poetry, Religion) (, , , , , , , )

Jack O’ Hare On Saint David’s Day: A Short Poem

Saint David’s Day today
Saint David the patron Saint of Wales
Some whales landed on Welsh shores
this Ash Wednesday 2017
claiming him as their Saint

Jack O’ Hare the wild rabbit ate some Welsh rarebit
in celebration.

-A short poem
written by Christopher
Wednesday March 1st
2017.

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Kwan Yin: A Poem

February 27, 2017 at 5:42 pm (Poetry, Religion, The Supernatural) (, , , )

Kwan Yin The Radiant

In her hand she carries the lotus flower
The one who hears the cries of the world
gentle Immortal revered by Taoists
venerated as Goddess of Mercy
by Asian Buddhists

Kwan Yin also spelled Kuan Yin
or Guan Yin
The name Kuan Yin is short for
Kuan Shih Yin (Guan Shi Yin)
which means Observing The Sounds of The World
in other words she who listens to prayers

Kuan Yin or Guan Yin in China
sometimes spelled Kwan Yin in the West
In Japan, she is called Kannon
or more formally Kanzeon
also spelled Kwannon
In Korean, she is called Kwan-um
or Kwan-se-um
In Vietnamese she is called Quan Am
or Quan-The-Am-Bo-That

Years ago this writer in the Okanagan Valley of British Columbia
looked at statues of Kwan Yin in a West Kelowna store
said the proprietor, “A person doesn’t choose a Kwan Yin but
rather the Kwan Yin chooses a person”.
None of the statues called to me

Tuesday night February 21st
stumbling in the cold frozen wind
homeless and without a place to stay
passing a Vietnamese Buddhist monastery
outside was a statue of Kwan Yin
or Quan Am (as she would have been called by the monks inside)

Staring at the statue
the most powerful feeling hit me
Kwan Yin was the Blessed Virgin Mary
in her Asian incarnation
how she appeared to the peoples of the Far East
This Kwan Yin was choosing me
I went up to her
and touched her hand

That night I slept outside on a park bench
in the freezing cold
but the next night I had found a place to stay

Kwan Yin- she who carries the lotus in her hand
has an Immaculate Heart.

-A poem written by Christopher
Monday February 27th
2017.

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