Shiva Visits An Episcopalian Cathedral

July 13, 2017 at 5:52 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mystery, Mystery/horror, Mythology, News, Religion, Science-Fiction, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Shiva Visits An Episcopalian Cathedral

Former MPs Agathor Christie and Magog Rhys Petley were on a trip to New York City together.

Both men had been defeated in their respective constituencies by candidates for the British Transhumanist Techno-Progressive Anti Bio-Conservative Party in the recent British general election.

Agathor Christie of the British Conservatives had been defeated in his rural English constituency of Tewkesbury In The Cotswolds by British Transhumanist Renfield R. Renfield (the former Chief of Security and Intelligence Gathering for Set Enterprises).

And Magog Rhys Petley of the British Labour Party had been defeated in his rural Welsh constituency of Newbridge by Transhumanist Morgana Fay Lee (who some people claimed was a vampiress and the niece of the Arthurian era sorceress Morgan Le Fay).

Since both men had two things in common- 1) both being defeated by British Transhumanists and 2) Both having an utter loathing for British Prime Minister Theresa May for calling a snap general election, the two men decided to go on a trip together to drown their respective sorrows.

Britain’s Sun tabloid newspaper had reported on the trip with the headline ELECTORAL DEFEAT MAKES STRANGE BEDFELLOWS.

Today Agathor Christie and Magog Rhys Petley were visiting the Episcopal Cathedral of Saint John The Divine in New York City which was the largest Anglican Cathedral in the world.

As they stood there looking up at the Rose Window, a strange looking fellow walked by.

“Say,” Magog nudged Agathor, “isn’t that the Hindu god Shiva?”.

“I believe it is,” Agathor put on his glasses and peered at the deity known as “The Destroyer” and “The Transformer” within the Hindu religion.

“What’s he doing in an Episcopal Cathedral?” Magog asked.

“Perhaps he’s becoming an Episcopalian,” Agathor replied.

“Shiva becoming an Episcopalian?” Magog was incredulous.

“Yes,” Agathor nodded.

“Gods don’t become Episcopalian,” retorted the atheistic Magog.

“They don’t become Catholic either,” Agathor reflected, “since Pope Francis says that there’s no Catholic god.”

. . .

Outside the CERN Large Hadron Collider in Switzerland, officials reported that the large statue of Shiva the Destroyer outside the Collider tunnel had come to life and disappeared.

. . .

Set Enterprises’ resident chief scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher was reading an article on how a Harvard University scientific research team had used the Crispr genome editing tool to insert a gif (five frames of a horse galloping) into the DNA of bacteria.

The gif was the image of a human hand and 5 frames of the horse Annie G captured in the late 19th Century by British pioneer photographer Eadweard Muybridge.

“Wow, inserting an image into DNA to allow it to pass down through generations,” Dr. Cadbury Rocher hit his head, “why didn’t I think of that before?”.

Dr. Cadbury Rocher decided to try this for himself.

For his image, he used a 5 minute YouTube video clip of the meeting between Russian President Vladimir Putin and U.S. President Donald Trump at last week’s G-20 summit in Hamburg Germany.

The clip not shown on any of the Fake News networks across the world showed the demon Asmodeus standing immediately behind the sitting Putin and sitting Trump and playing on his harmonica the musical melody to Lara’s Theme from the movie Doctor Zhivago.

Being the genius that Dr. Cadbury Rocher was, he was able to, in 5 minutes, insert the YouTube video into the DNA of bacteria what it took 5 days for the Harvard research team to do on their 5 frame gif.

He then put the bacteria in a sealed test tube and left it in the lab.

The Norse trickster god Loki, who had been hiding under a desk seeing what Dr. Cadbury Rocher was up to, decided to take the sealed test tube of bacteria and immediately teleported himself to the Western Wall on the Temple Mount in Jerusalem.

When he landed, he knocked over a tourist the Nibiruan ET gray Gali-Gula who was standing there taking pictures with his advanced extraterrestrial camera around his neck.

Loki then placed the sealed test tube of bacteria into one of the cracks in the Western Wall where people normally place prayer notes.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday July 13th
2017.

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Renfield Examines Pope Francis’ Call For A United States of Europe

July 10, 2017 at 3:08 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Religion, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , )

Newly elected British Transhumanist MP Renfield R. Renfield was examining his parliamentary briefing notes for the day- particularly those with regard to foreign and global affairs.

Last Thursday, Pope Francis had apparently given an interview to 93-year-old atheist Eugenio Scalfari.

The interview was published in last Saturday’s La Repubblica.

After saying in the interview that “America and Russia, China and North Korea, Russia and Assad” all had distorted visions of the world, Pope Francis then gave his own vision for the world, “Europe must assume as soon as possible a federal government and federal parliament, not from individual confederated countries.”

In effect, Pope Francis was calling for a United States of Europe.

Renfield wondered what the end result of all this would be?

He decided to ask the one individual who would probably know- Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster.

So Renfield went down to the Set Enterprises lab to talk to the genetically created psychic crustacean.

As Renfield walked through the lab door, he asked, “Hey Michelangelo, what do you think of Pope Francis when he calls for a United States of Europe?”.

Michelangelo in his aquarium happened to be holding in his lobster claws a waterproof copy of the King James Bible (for the lobster loved the sheer beauty of Shakespearian era English) and he just happened to be reading the Book of Revelation, Chapter 13 verse 11, “And I beheld another beast coming up out of the earth; and he had two horns like a lamb, and he spake as a dragon.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday July 10th
2017.

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Michelangelo’s Vision of Pope Francis’ Future Proclamation

June 3, 2017 at 3:53 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Religion, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

The New Orleans vampiress Angelique Dumont waited impatiently by her car for her boyfriend Amadeus Emanon to leave the Set Enterprises building.

New Orleans Vampiress Angelique Dumont

Inside the building, Amadeus Emanon waited while Dr. Cadbury Rocher was checking the lab computers for the newest psychic revelation from the future that his genetically created psychic lobster Michelangelo was now receiving.

Eureka! Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster tapped on the aquarium glass with his lobster antennae in Morse code.

The revelation came in.

It was Pope Francis making an ex cathedra statement from the balcony of the Vatican.

Said Francis, “Many Muslims have expressed to me the desire to join the Catholic Church but they can’t because they cannot in good conscience accept the Doctrine of the Trinity nor the Doctrine of the Incarnate Deity of Jesus Christ. Henceforth in my capacity as Bishop of Rome, Successor of Peter and Vicar of Christ, I hereby proclaim ex cathedra that it’s no longer necessary to believe in the Doctrine of the Trinity or the Doctrine of the Incarnate Deity of Christ and still be Catholic. A Catholic no longer has to believe these doctrines.”

Dr. Cadbury Rocher and Amadeus Emanon both looked at the news telecast from the future (that Michelangelo had picked up on his lobster antennae) in shock.

Meanwhile outside, Angelique Dumont looked at her Rolex watch and said angrily, “The time is now.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday June 3rd
2017.

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Cardinal Maradiaga Enjoys A Brandy With The Demon Asmodeus

May 31, 2017 at 4:17 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Religion, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , )

Cardinal Oscar Rodriguez Maradiaga of Honduras the pompous and arrogant neo-Marxist chairman of the Vatican Council of Cardinals had spent his morning throwing darts at his picture of Raymond Cardinal Burke on his office wall.

He had now run to a Rome taverna where he was to meet the demon Asmodeus for lunch and a brandy.

The demon Asmodeus was quietly sitting at a table in the taverna smoking a cigarette.

He had a bottle of brandy in front of him.

“I hope you don’t mind, your Eminence,” Asmodeus extended his clawed reptilian hand and shook the Cardinal’s hand, “but I’ve already ordered a brandy for myself.”

“Quite all right, my dear friend Asmodeus,” the Cardinal replied, “but where’s your glass?”,

“I don’t drink from a glass,” Asmodeus laughed, “I drink straight from the bottle.”

Whereupon Asmodeus raised the bottle to his demonic lips, drank steadily and then belched.

The smell of sulphur hung steadily in the air of the taverna after Asmodeus’ belch.

“It smells like the smell after a Novus Ordo morning prayer service in my personal chapel,” Cardinal Maradiaga sniffed the air, “Simply divine.”

“I agree,” Asmodeus used his smoking middle finger to light himself another cigarette.

“Meow,” said a voice next to the table.

Cardinal Maradiaga looked down.

At his feet was Hecate’s personal pet black cat and familiar Amorous Laetitia.

Amorous Laetitia’s mistress Hecate the Greek goddess of witchcraft was feeling quite indisposed these days after her head was decapitated by Pan Goatee and later eaten by the Norse wolf Fenrir.

“I see Amorous Laetitia is here with us,” Cardinal Maradiaga smiled, “and she certainly has a large saucer of milk that she seems to be enjoying.”

“That’s actually a saucer of Bailey’s Irish Cream she’s drinking,” Asmodeus replied with a heavy smoker’s cough.

“I see,” Cardinal Maradiaga said.

He ordered a glass of brandy and a plate of lasagna.

He and Asmodeus then discussed their mutual concerns.

Amorous Laetitia then ordered another saucer of Bailey’s Irish Cream.

And then another.

And then another.

Soon the black cat was dancing on the tables and singing, “Roll out the barrel. We’ll have a barrel of fun.”

“I didn’t know cats had the power of speech,” said a stunned American tourist sitting at another table.

“Maybe they don’t but they certainly have a good singing voice,” said his wife who was clapping her hand and swinging her leg in rhythm to the beat.

“I didn’t know Amorous Laetitia’s drinking was going to be a problem,” Asmodeus blushed but seeing as how his face was flame Hellishly burnt, one couldn’t really tell the difference.

Meanwhile outside the taverna in the direction of the man-made lake and the trees stood the Greek goddess Artemis looking mildly amused.

Greek Goddess Artemis

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday May 31st
2017.

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Renfield In Egypt and Then Germany

April 29, 2017 at 2:33 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Religion, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

After the papal speech at al-Azhar University in Cairo, Pope Francis and the Egyptian vampire Osiris met behind closed doors with Islamic leaders from across the Muslim world.

A phone call from the conference room was put in to Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu and the Chief Rabbis of Israel.

Renfield R. Renfield who had bugged the room made notes.

“That’s very interesting,” Renfield thought to himself.

He left the notes on the table in his Cairo hotel room and put in a call to his boss the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set letting him know the developments.

“What,” Set seethed, “that bastard Osiris! Why does everyone want to make deals with him and not me?”.

“The world has bad taste, boss,” Renfield replied as he flicked through the Cairo hotel TV guide and noticed the reality TV shows Survivor and also Big Brother Canada were available on the hotel’s TV programming.

“What the world needs is a statue of Set in the proposed ecumenical Interfaith Temple in Jerusalem,” Set started pulling his hair out with his razor sharp fingernails in a dramatic barber like scene that hadn’t been seen since the days Johnny Depp played Edward Scissorhands.

Meanwhile over in North Korea, Kim Jong-un was busy sobbing on to his teddy bear (that had the face of Anthony Hopkins as Dr. Hannibal Lecter on it), “That woman in my dream told me that if I painted an image of a scorpion attacking the testicles of a white bull on my ballistic missiles, they’d launch successfully.”

The beautiful Korean woman in the white gown (from his dream) appeared behind him in reality and kicked him in the ass and told him, “I also told you to write the Latin words IN HOC SIGNO VINCES above the image, you idiot.”

Renfield decided to stop off in Germany on his way home from Cairo.

He had received a message from his new found ally the Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing.

There was important business that Renfield had to attend to in Bavaria.

In a quiet Bavarian village, Herr Dummkopf Drecksack was a driving test administrator.

He was the motherfucking asshole of all driving test administrators.

He had just given a hard time to a personal friend of Dracul Van Helsing and Renfield R. Renfield.

Flunking her for making one mistake.

Renfield followed the pink velvet pants wearing Herr Dummkopf Drecksack as he walked down the street.

He followed him to a post office where the man picked up a dozen packages of viagra and a dozen packages of cialis.

He then put them in his brown coloured VW bug and drove home.

Inside his house, he lit a candle in front of the giant photo of Adolf Hitler above his black altar.

“Like Adolf, do you?” Renfield said behind him.

“What the?-” Herr Dummkopf Drecksack turned around.

That evening, Berlin’s national TV news channel reported, “The driving test administrator was found hanging from his rusty brown VW bug in the middle of the town square with his pants and underpants pulled down and a dozen packages of viagra hanging from his right arm and a dozen packages of cialis hanging from his left arm…”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday April 29th
2017.

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Kim Jong-un’s Strange Dream

April 27, 2017 at 4:51 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, Horror, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, News, Religion, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un had had a busy day.

He spent part of it overseeing the executions of people he deemed his “enemies”.

That took more than half his day. Finally he had to leave the execution site and attend to his other chores.

The other part of the day he spent inspecting the milking of cows while he smiled benignly with dairy workers in photos taken and released to the international press to show the world what a nice happy go-lucky guy he was.

Kim did wonder though why it took North Korean Red Army soldiers pointing their guns at them to force the North Korean dairy workers to smile.

Of course those soldiers with pointed guns weren’t shown in the photos released to the international press.

Kim then went home to bed where he had another beautiful North Korean Red Army female soldier waiting for him to attend to his special needs.

Once again trying to raise a certain part of his anatomy went about as successfully as most of his missile launches.

What a pity.

He would have to have his beautiful female companion for this night executed.

He couldn’t risk stories about his poor bedroom performance leaking out.

Kim Jong-un then watched a video of his half-brother Kim Jong-nam keeling over in Kuala Lumpur International Airport and dying.

Laughing, he turned off the TV and then the lights and went to sleep.

He dreamed he was walking by the ruins of an ancient temple that locals called the “Red Basilica”.

A voice from the Red Basilica hearkened unto him.

“Enter,” said the voice.

He entered the temple and there above the ruined altar, he saw a vision magically appear above it.

The vision showed a scorpion attacking the testicles of a white bull.

Above the vision of a scorpion attacking the testicles of a white bull were these words, IN HOC SIGNO VINCES.

As Kim’s knowledge of Latin was non-existent, a voice after several moments spoke these words, “In this sign, conquer.”

Since Kim’s English wasn’t so great either, the voice then spoke the same words in Korean.

Kim stood there with a stupid looking expression on his face.

Finally a beautiful Korean woman in a white gown appeared over the altar and said, “It means, you idiot, you take this vision you saw of the scorpion attacking the white bull and you paint it on your missiles and they will rise and perform and do what it is that they’re supposed to do.”

“Oh,” Kim answered.

He then woke up.

He then phoned his missile launch center and told them to paint a picture of a scorpion attacking the testicles of a white bull and then place a painting of the image on each one of his missiles.

He hung up the phone.

He then wondered if he should get a Pyongyang tattoo artist to put a tattoo of the image (a scorpion attacking the testicles of a white bull) on a certain part of his anatomy and he might get a better performance out of it.

No, Kim shook his head.

He had a vision of a Korean George Costanza (the name of a character from the American TV show Seinfeld) saying to him, “That’s gotta hurt.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday April 27th
2017.

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Egyptian Family Feud- 2017 Style

April 25, 2017 at 4:36 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Religion, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

Renfield R. Renfield the chief of Security and Intelligence Gathering for Set Enterprises was attending a staff meeting on the Set Estate (the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire’s colossal West London mansion) with the Vampire Set himself, Set’s personal concert pianist Amadeus Emanon and Athelstan the personal butler and valet to the aforementioned vampire.

Renfield called the meeting to order.

“So,” Renfield belched after pounding the gavel, “Amadeus, I understand you were in charge of analyzing Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster’s revelations while I was away plotting the overthrow of the Nicolas Maduro government in Venezuela.”

“That’s correct,” Amadeus Emanon bit into a grilled cheese sandwich.

“Did Michelangelo reveal anything earth shattering?” Renfield asked as he drank from a bottle of Raven Conspiracy Deep Dark Red Wine.

“Well,” Amadeus munched on a Greek salad made with Goddess Athena Brand Feta Cheese, “apparently Pope Francis likes milk and cookies while the late former British Prime Minister Winston Churchill liked brandy.” (https://draculvanhelsing.wordpress.com/2017/04/19/michelangelo-foresees-pope-francis-at-regensburg/ )

“So, tell me something I don’t know,” Renfield pushed away a copy of an organic chemistry textbook in front of him.

“Mr. Renfield, sir,” Athelstan coughed, “I believe Mr. Emanon also listened in to the wiretaps you have on Master Set’s brother Osiris’ phone in Rome.”

“Really?” Renfield noticed that 5 dominatrixes were now following him on his Twitter account, “And did you discover anything earth shattering there, Amadeus?”.

The billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set stopped licking his toe nails with his long serpent like forked tongue and listened to what Amadeus had to say.

“Well apparently Pope Francis has invited Osiris to accompany him when he visits Egypt this coming April 28th to 29th,” Amadeus ate a chocolate covered pyramid made out of peanuts.

“What?” Set spit an extra large toe nail out of his mouth in anger, “My brother Osiris was invited to Egypt to attend the inter-faith peace conference at Cairo’s Al-Azhar University with Pope Francis and I wasn’t.”

“That is correct,” Amadeus unwrapped a green coloured chocolate statue of Osiris and started eating it.

“Renfield,” Set seethed, “I want you to go to Egypt and spy on Osiris and Pope Francis and see what they’re up to.”

“But, boss,” Renfield applied moisturizing cream to his moustache, “this week I start campaigning in the constituency of Tewkesbury In The Cotswolds as the British Transhumanist Techno-Progressive Anti-Bioconservative Party Candidate.”

“Well, if you fail to go to Egypt to spy on Pope Francis and Osiris on my behalf,” Set started eating from the pot of crocodile stew in front of him, “you can kiss your 500 million British pounds sterling a year salary good-bye since you’ll be out of a job with me plus you can move out of my mansion as you’re no longer an employee here.”

Within seconds, Renfield was on the phone booking a flight from London to Cairo.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
The Feast Day of Saint Mark
(1st Bishop of Alexandria in Egypt)
April 25th 2017.

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French Presidential Election: A Defeat For The Kraken

April 24, 2017 at 4:54 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, Politics, Religion) (, , , )

The Kraken who called himself Napoleon VI was in a total state of shock.

In his mortal human life the Kraken had been Italian mad scientist Dr. Poseidon Prometheus.

Dying of a fatal disease, Dr. Poseidon Prometheus had uploaded his consciousness into the body of a cyborg octopus (part robot and part octopus) with metallic hooked tentacled arms.

He had later met and fell in love with the ex-gorgon Medusa (Medusa had been cured of her Gorgoness and her snaky hairstyle (that turned people to stone) by British mad scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher.

Back on December 2nd 2015 on a whim, Napoleon VI had himself and Medusa crowned Emperor and Empress of France respectively at Notre Dame Cathedral. The coronation had received the papal blessing of Pope Francis. (Please read https://draculvanhelsing.wordpress.com/2015/12/02/the-crunch-kraken-of-notre-dame/ )

But despite that, the Imperial coronation had not been recognized by the French government, the French National Assembly, the French judiciary or even the French people.

To rectify that situation, this year the Kraken Napoleon VI decided to run for President of France.

Once elected President of France, he’d then call a referendum to have himself proclaimed Emperor of the French.

Back in January, he had even started his own political party for this purpose the Aquarian Age Bonapartist Party.

He had received the Aquarian Age Bonapartist Party nomination for President unanimously (since he and Medusa were the only members of the Aquarian Age Bonapartist Party).

But to paraphrase Robbie Burns, “the best laid plans of mice and Kraken, they often go astray”.

Because in yesterday’s first round Presidential election in France, he had come in in 12th and last place.

Napoleon VI blamed the media for his defeat.

They only talked about the 11 candidates running for President during the election.

Forgetting that there was a 12th candidate- himself the Kraken Napoleon VI- the Aquarian Age Bonapartist candidate.

Centrist candidate Emmanuel Macron and far-rightist candidate Marine Le Pen would both advance to the next and final round of the French Presidential election.

Now in each of the Kraken’s eight tentacled arms, he held a bottle of Napoleon Brandy.

He finished off each bottle.

Medusa who was trying on new dresses that she had bought herself today (to console her grief) looked over at her husband.

He was going to one Hell of a hangover, she thought to herself.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday April 24th
2017.

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NASA, The Zohar and The Seven-Planet Star System

March 6, 2017 at 3:41 pm (Detective story, Geopolitics and International Relations, Horror, International Intrigue, Mystery, Mystery/horror, Religion, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

The Mossad agent they called The Controller of the Golem was back in Jerusalem.

He had spent months recovering in a private London hospital (connected to Set Enterprises) after he had been poisoned with Polonium-210 given him by the ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith.

Now he was reading a report that a group of fanatically inclined Kabbalistic Jews were intending to blow up the Dome on the Rock and the Mosque of Omar and replace it with a Third Jewish Temple.

What was bringing about the action was NASA’s discovery of a 7-planet star system with its Spitzer space telescope.

The dwarf star called Trappist-1 (39 light years away from Earth) had 7 planets orbiting it.

The trouble was that the Zohar (the foundational work of Jewish mysticism) predicted the appearance of a star with seven “stars” orbiting it prior to the arrival of the Messiah…

… a star will rise up in the East, blazing in all colours, and seven other stars will surround that star. And they will wage war on it.

Now one sect was convinced that NASA’s announcement was proof of this star system predicted in the Zohar.

The Messiah wouldn’t be far behind.

Well, the Controller sighed, he didn’t know about the Messiah but he had the feeling Hell on Earth was just around the corner.

Lilith The Vampiress

Lilith: One glass of Polonium-210 this day
will send the coroner heading your way

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday March 6th
2017.

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Sherlock Holmes and The Zohar

March 5, 2017 at 4:47 pm (Detective story, Geopolitics and International Relations, Horror, International Intrigue, Mystery, Mystery/horror, Religion, The Supernatural) (, , , , , , , )

Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster was having a dream about Basil Rathbone as Sherlock Holmes and Nigel Bruce as Dr. Watson. In the dream, Holmes said to Watson:

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson

According to the Zohar the foundational text of Jewish mysticism, Watson, a seven-star system similar to our own will be discovered and then all Hell shall break loose.

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