Captain Dante Van Helsing and Qonzilqointec

May 17, 2017 at 4:08 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, Romance, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

The date was May 17th 1687.

And the notorious pirate Captain Dante Van Helsing (an ancestor of Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing) was far from his home town of Amsterdam.

He was sailing the Caribbean which was his favourite sea for piracy.

Captain Dante Van Helsing had formed an alliance with the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec.

She was anxious to see Spanish ships raided and sunk as vengeance for the Spanish conquering her Aztec Empire in Mexico.

Captain Dante Van Helsing did these raids on Spanish ships gladly.

And Qonzilqointec would pay Dante back in her bedroom at night.

But then another pirate came into the Caribbean.

A pirate who sailed a Chinese junk ship and called himself Wo Fat.

But despite dressing and looking the part of a Chinese pirate, the individual was really an Englishman and a defrocked Jesuit priest named Alfred Loisy George Tyrrell.

He was defrocked for claiming that Antipope John XXIII (who was himself the notorious pirate Baldassarre Cossa in his early life) who reigned from 1410 to 1415 was in fact a true Pope.

Wo Fat (as he now called himself) after being kicked out of the Jesuit order stole an ancient Greek analogue computer and orrery that was in the possession of one of his Jesuit confreres Father Athanasius Kircher.

He stole the mechanism from Father Kircher’s room on the evening of the latter’s death on November 28th 1680.

Wo Fat used the device to navigate and determine the position of the ships that he raided.

Qonzilqointec spotted the device while flying around as a vampire bat on his ship one night.

She alerted Captain Dante Van Helsing to the existence of the device..

Van Helsing said, “I must have it.”

So Qonzilqointec flew on to Wo Fat’s ship The Albatross and promptly changed from a bat into her alluring vampiric female form.

She brought several good bottles of coconut rum lifted to her from a row boat rowed by Dante.

She went into Wo Fat’s cabin,

After plying him with several goblets of coconut rum and rubbing his bald head against her magnificent bosom

Qonzilqointec With Wo Fat

…. Wo Fat fell asleep.

Whereupon Qonzilqointec stole the device.

She then gave it to Captain Dante Van Helsing on the night of May 17th 1687.

Van Helsing returned home to Amsterdam where he was forced by his parents to marry a good Dutch girl.

“No more running around with these exotic foreign women,” his father had said to him.

So Dante Van Helsing married, settled down, became a maker of Dutch wooden shoes and had four children.

Finally bored to tears, he decided to make one more voyage.

This time to the Aegean Sea.

While there, he encountered a group of alluring looking sirens on a rock near the Greek island of Antikythera.

His ship The Virgil sank.

And went down to the bottom of the sea alongside an earlier Roman era shipwreck.

The Virgil was torn apart by mermaids.

Only Dante’s mysterious mechanism (that Qonzilqointec had pirated away from the pseudo-Chinese pirate Wo Fat) was left behind.

The mechanism was recovered on May 17th 1902.

– A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday May 17th
2017.

Permalink 4 Comments

Saint George’s Day 2017

April 23, 2017 at 3:45 pm (Detective story, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, Literature, Mythology, News, Politics, Romance, Vampire novel) (, , , )

Saint George and The Dragon

South African cultural attache Lepardia Marango and British Conservative MP Agathor Christie had gone to morning services at Saint George’s Anglican Church in Hanover Square in the city of Westminster, central London to celebrate Saint George’s Day since Saint George is the patron Saint of England.

Afterwards they went to have brunch together in a nearby pub.

Sitting across from them was Renfield R. Renfield in disguise.

Renfield was wearing dark sunglasses, a Scottish kilt with sporran, a t-shirt that said I AM WILLIAM WALLACE and was carrying bagpipes at his side.

“So, Agathor,” Lepardia adjusted her dark navy blue skirt, “you’re the great nephew of British mystery novelist Agatha Christie?”.

“Yes, but only by marriage,” Agathor Christie confessed, “not by blood unfortunately. I’m the great nephew of her cad first husband Archibald Christie whom she divorced in 1928 after he had an extramarital affair with one Nancy Neele (whom he married after his divorcing Agatha).”

“What about your name Agathor?” Lepardia asked, “Were you named after your great aunt by marriage Agatha Christie and given the masculine name Agathor?”.

“Um… actually no I wasn’t,” Agathor sipped his orange juice.

“Were you named after the character in Tolkien then?” Lepardia poured herself some tea.

“No, not him either,” Agathor blushed.

“Then who were you named after?” Lepardia looked at him quizzically.

“Well,” Agathor felt himself turning as red as the fried tomatoes on his plate, “My full Christian name… if you can call it a Christian name… is Agamemnon Thor… I’m Agamemnon Thor Christie. I was named Agamemnon because my father was a Greek mythology buff. And I was given the middle name Thor because my mother is a Norse mythology buff. In school because the kids made fun of the name Agamemnon, I shortened my name to Agathor for short (a shortened form of Agamemnon Thor) because Tolkien is always cool for every generation of kids.”

“I see,” Lepardia smiled and laughed, “And do you have any conditions for marriage?”.

“Well,” Agathor’s face was now turning as red as a Communist who had fallen into a giant bottle of ketchup, “I don’t intend to marry any woman called Clytemnestra.”

“Well, my name isn”t Clytemnestra,” Lepardia Marango who had a good classical education laughed heartedly.

Renfield R. Renfield (who did not have much of a classical education) did not.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday April 23rd
2017.

Permalink Leave a Comment

Reflections On A Passing Phantom

January 12, 2017 at 12:33 pm (Detective story, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, Romance, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

Sherrielock Holmes sat at her chair in front of the mirror on her table and dresser.

She had just returned from a masquerade ball where she had dressed up as the Nymph of the Blue Moon.

The Nymph of the Blue Moon was a character she had read about in a movie review of a film written by a movie reviewer and film critic who couldn’t remember the name of the movie he was reviewing.

The movie the reviewer had seen on TCM (Turner Classic Movies).

It was a movie from the 1980s.

The plot of the movie was about a 1920s silent era film producer and movie director who was able to travel between past and future.

The past of course was the 1920s where he was busy writing a screenplay for a movie he intended to produce and direct.

The future was a hidden time (possibly 2017?) where he was pursued by government agents of some sinister world power (possibly the United States in the closing days of Obama and the beginning days of Trump).

His present was visiting a house on the moon where a beautiful woman with a beautiful singing voice lived.

But his present was usually always short lived and he spent more time in the past (writing his movie screenplay) or in the future (being pursued by government agents for knowing too much about world affairs).

Then one night- it was a blue moon- and when the moon was blue, his love came down to his past where he was receiving an Oscar for Best Screenplay at some Academy Awards evening in the Hollywood of the 1920s.

Reunited with his love for good, he remained in the past since he figured winning Oscars for Best Screenplay, Best Director and Best Picture was far preferable to the future where he was shot and killed by government agents for being a threat to humanity.

So she designed her own costume for what she imagined as the Nymph of the Blue Moon and wore it to the masquerade party. (The costume can be viewed at the bottom of this page:

https://draculvanhelsing.wordpress.com/2017/01/09/dracul-van-helsing-and-sherrielock-holmes-the-nymph-of-the-blue-moon-a-poem/ )

She entered the house’s White Room where she had posed for a photograph shot by an influential London banker (who was one of her most important clients of her London based dominatrix service).

As she was posing for the photo, a man dressed as the Phantom of The Opera Erik happened to enter the room.

When he saw a photo session was taking place, he turned around and left the room.

Sherrielock was totally haunted by the look of intense loneliness the man had had beneath his mask.

A loneliness that was only matched by the character of Erik the Phantom of the Opera whose costume he wore.

When he left the room, she followed him.

He left the house and the masquerade party and went back to his lonely solitary room in a London rooming house.

She stood outside the window where she heard the sound of an old phonograph being played.

It was playing an old Michael Jackson song sung by Michael Jackson when he was very young- just 14 years old.

Although Sherrielock did not realize it, the song Ben was actually the “Phantom’s” favourite Michael Jackson song.

For the song seemed to describe so well the life the “Phantom” had lived in the 6 and a half years since his father died.

She could hear the lyrics of the song through the window:

Ben, you’re always running here and there
You feel you’re not wanted anywhere…

Ben, most people would turn you away…

I’m sure they’d think again
If they had a friend like Ben…

Sherrielock turned from the house and walked down the street.

Where her tear drops mixed with the snow flakes in falling on to the pavement.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday January 10th
2017.

Permalink 2 Comments

Dracul Van Helsing and Sherrielock Holmes: The Nymph of The Blue Moon: A Poem

January 9, 2017 at 1:32 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Poetry, Romance, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Dracul Van Helsing Canadian vampire hunter walked the streets of London
Dressed in his Philip Marlowe Private Eye style trenchcoat and fedora hat
that he always wore when he was feeling melancholy and reflective
A fan of 1940s horror, mystery, detective and film noir films
Dressing like Marlowe helped him battle his depression
The knight of Raymond Chandler’s stories
who wore not a suit of shining armour
but a private eye trenchcoat and fedora hat
when rescuing damsels in distress and battling evil and corruption
A 1940s southern California equivalent of the Spanish Don Quixote
representing knightly chivalry and ideas in ages that had long forgotten them

Now it was early January 2017
Donald Trump was about to be inaugurated President
Hillary Clinton was blaming the Russians for her electoral defeat
and satyr serial killing contract assassin Pan Goatee
was putting in excessively long hours of overtime
in his chosen vocation of making the world a more beautiful place to live
The only females who seemed to radiate any class or good taste these days
(and nights) were vampiresses
which made Dracul Van Helsing Vampire Hunter
glad that he didn’t slay vampiresses

Dracul recalled his New Year’s Eve this past stroke of midnight and year change
when he watched beautiful Assyrian women dancing
and so wished he could join them

The day after New Year’s he visited Dulcinea Lucia a gypsy fortune teller in London
to hear his future
“You shall meet an immortal,” Dulcinea Lucia told Dracul, “and you shall fall in love.”

“An immortal?” Dracul asked her, “A vampiress?”
“Not a vampiress,” Dulcinea shook her head.
“One of the goddesses of the ancient world returned to Earth perhaps?’ Dracul asked again.
“Not one of those goddesses,” Dulcinea shook her head.
“Then what sort of immortal?” Dracul asked a third question.
“I’m not sure,” Dulcinea looked puzzled and her crystal ball clouded up with the Cosmic Operator asking for more money.

Dracul declined to pay more and walked out into the wintery London night
He passed the window of a used book store
which had The Complete Stories of Sherlock Holmes in the window
Dracul loved Sherlock Holmes stories
The great immortal detective
Too bad that immortal didn’t have a sister who was both beautiful and brainy

Then this past evening of January 6th, Dracul had been invited to a masquerade ball
celebrating the 12th Day of Christmas
He decided to dress up as the Phantom of the Opera Erik
since these days and nights he felt as unloved as that poor creature

As he walked down the street in the falling snow, he happened to pass
Alexis Tsipras the Prime Minister of Greece
who was busy rubbing his rear end and screaming,
“My buns! Poor tomatoed buns! Will they ever lose their red rosy colour
in the light of day or the darkness of night?”

“Well, he’s been drinking too much Ouzo this evening,” Dracul thought to himself
Dracul then entered the place where the masquerade ball was being held
He wandered aimlessly through the house
until he entered a room where he saw the nymph of the Blue Moon

-A poem and vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday January 8th
2016

Permalink 1 Comment

Sherrielock Holmes Reflects On The Vampiress Showdown At Sundown

December 20, 2016 at 5:14 pm (Ghost Story, Humour, Romance, The Supernatural, western) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Sherrielock Holmes Reflects On The Vampiress Showdown At Sundown

Things quieted down in Hayden, Colorado after the Aztec gold was dug up and stolen by a group of marauding Mormons who took it to Utah with them.

This later gave American forensic geologist Scott Wolter something to do for his early 21st Century TV show America Unearthed.

Since there was no longer any reason to stay in Hayden, Isis flew back to Paris by way of New York and Qonzilqointec returned to Mexico City by way of San Francisco.

“At last, peace and quiet,” Sherrielock sighed to herself as she lay in bed.

She might finally be able to get to sleep at night.

-A western vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday July 28th
2016.

Permalink 21 Comments

Qonzilqointec vs. Isis: The Vampiress Showdown At Sundown

December 19, 2016 at 4:20 pm (Ghost Story, Humour, Romance, The Supernatural, Vampire novel, western) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Qonzilqointec vs. Isis: The Vampiress Showdown At Sundown

The Egyptian vampiress Isis was none too pleased that one of the gold bars her archaeologist found had been stolen by the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec (although Qonzilqointec claimed Aztec reclamation).

“This means war,” Isis seethed.

It wasn’t long before the showdown.

As Howard Cosell might have called it had he been alive at the time, The Showdown After Sundown.

Dressed in elaborate Parisienne and Madrid made evening gowns with holsters tied around their waists, they stood (in spiked stiletto high-heeled shoes) facing one another.

Inside each holster was a hawthorne wooden stake- guaranteed to kill the Undead dead.

Or so the sign read down at Van Helsing’s Lumber Yard in town.

Both Isis and Qonzilqointec had purchased their stakes without bothering to ask if there was a money back guarantee.

The town’s sheriff called out, “Draw.”

Each vampiress quickly pulled the stake out of their respective holsters and threw it at the other.

Qonzilqointec’s stake hit and broke Isis’ right vampiric incisor tooth.

“Oh Great God Ra, that’s going to cost me a fortune in dental work,” Isis moaned.

The town dentist stood rubbing his hands in glee.

Isis’ stake hit and struck Qonzilqointec’s left breast.

“Oh great Quetzalcoatl, it’s going to cost me a fortune to get that scar removed,” Qonzilqointec moaned.

The town doctor (who had a breast fetish) stood rubbing his hands in glee.

Belvedere who was busy eating a heavily garlic laced onion soup noticed that the two vampiresses were keeping away from him (of course so was everyone else for that matter).

-A western vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday July 28th
2016.

Permalink Leave a Comment

Qonzilqointec Confronts French Archaeologist Pompidou De Gaulle

December 17, 2016 at 2:27 pm (Ghost Story, Humour, Romance, The Supernatural, Vampire novel, western) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Qonzilqointec Confronts French Archaeologist Pompidou De Gaulle

“This gold bar has the seal of Montezuma on it,” French archaeologist Pompidou De Gaulle pointed out to Belvedere.

“It doesn’t look like a seal from pictures I’ve seen of them,” Belvedere looked puzzled, “I thought a seal kind of looked like an otter sorta.”

“You’re thinking of those sea mammals that eat fish and bark a lot,” De Gaulle glared at Belvedere, “A seal in this case refers to a special symbol used to represent the authority of the Aztec Emperor Montezuma.”

“I’ll take that gold bar if you don’t mind, Dr. Pompidou De Gaulle,” the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec entered the saloon wearing a gold evening dress, “after all, it belongs to my people.”

“Your people?” Dr. Pompidou De Gaulle was astonished.

“The Aztecs,” she smiled her vampiric incisors at the Frenchman, “Do you know what we did to our sacrificial victims?”.

“Didn’t you tear their living still beating hearts out of their chests and eat them?” Dr. De Gaulle gulped.

“Yes,” she stepped closer to the archaeologist.

“I don’t think Miss Sherrielock appreciates blood on the saloon floor unless it’s in the dominatrix whipping dungeon downstairs,” Belvedere spoke up, “You’re going to have to step outside.”

Dr. Pompidou De Gaulle ran out the door.

Qonzilqointec turned into a bat and followed him out the door.

“I’m going to have to cut down on eating the chef’s wild mushroom soup special,” Belvedere remarked upon seeing the vampiress’ transformation from sexy human to winged flying mammal.

-A western vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday July 28th
2016.

Permalink Leave a Comment

Qonzilqointec, Isis and The Lost Aztec Gold of Hayden, Colorado

December 16, 2016 at 4:41 pm (Ghost Story, Humour, Romance, The Supernatural, Vampire novel, western) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

Qonzilqointec, Isis and The Lost Aztec Gold of Hayden, Colorado

Pompidou De Gaulle was a French archaeologist. He had been hired by the Egyptian Vampiress Isis to discover the location where the Aztecs might have buried their gold after fleeing Mexico following Hernan Cortez’s conquest of Montezuma’s Empire.

The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec on the other hand was the woman who injected the poison she called Montezuma’s Revenge into the water supply of Mexico which affected only non-Mexican visitors to the land the Aztecs once ruled.

Several centuries later, Qonzilqointec would inject the same poison (Montezuma’s Revenge) into the drinking water at the 2016 Republican Convention in Cleveland, Ohio. She added to the mischief and mayhem by building miniature walls around the washrooms and getting the delegates to pay for them (they had to pay to enter).

Such was the situation looming in the town of Hayden, Colorado in the year 1880- a point in time between Cortez”s conquest of Mexico in 1519 and the Republican National Convention in Cleveland in 2016.

-A western vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday July 26th
2016.

Permalink Leave a Comment

Belvedere Meets The Egyptian Vampiress Isis

December 14, 2016 at 6:26 pm (Ghost Story, Humour, Romance, The Supernatural, Vampire novel, western) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Belvedere Meets The Egyptian Vampiress Isis

Belvedere was down in The Wild Tomatoes and Mushrooms Saloon working late when the saloon door opened and in walked a beautiful Egyptian looking woman in a maroon red evening dress.

“Good evening,” said Belvedere.

“I am the Egyptian Vampiress Isis,” said the woman as she walked regally towards Belvedere’s bar.

“A vampiress?” Belvedere reached for a glass of water and gulped it down, “Another vampiress was in here recently.”

“That wasn’t the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec by any chance was it?” Isis bore her fangs.

“As a matter of fact it was,” Belvedere poured himself a second glass of water.

“She must be looking for the lost Aztec gold as well,” Isis ordered a glass of cognac.

“She was,” Belvedere reached for a third glass of water and then poured a cognac handing it to Isis.

“I shall beat her to it,” said Isis.

“I take it you two are rivals,” Belvedere thought of Generals Robert E. Lee and Ulysses S. Grant.

“She supported Juarez and I supported the Emperor Maximilian in the Mexican War,” Isis recalled her attempts to help French Emperor Napoleon III dominate world affairs.

“I take it you don’t celebrate Cinco De Mayo then?” Belvedere asked casually.

Isis threw the cognac in his face.

“I’ll take that as a no, then,” Belvedere wiped his face with a towel.

-A western vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday July 24th
2016.

Permalink Leave a Comment

Medusa and The Kraken In San Diego

May 16, 2016 at 5:07 pm (Fantasy, Geopolitics and International Relations, Humour, Mythology, News, Romance, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Medusa and The Kraken In San Diego

The Kraken who called himself Emperor Napoleon VI (formerly Italian mad scientist Dr. Poseidon Prometheus prior to uploading his consciousness into a cyborgic octopus cybrid) was suntanning himself on a beach near San Diego, California.

His wife Medusa the ex-Gorgon (who had her head reattached to her body and her beauty restored- no more snaky dandruff flakes falling out of her hair- by British mad scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher) was lying next to him in a bikini.

She turned over.

“Say dear,” she whispered, “would you mind putting some suntan lotion on my back?”.

“All right,” the Kraken picked up the Coppertone suntanning lotion with one of his eight arms and put some of the lotion on his tentacles (careful not to put some on his metallic cyborg hooks) and started rubbing her back applying the lotion.

“Oh God, that feels good,” Medusa moaned, “I think I’ll have an orgasm right here on the beach.”

The Kraken suddenly stopped applying the lotion, “How do Californians feel about displays of orgasms in public?”.

“You’ve never seen too many TV shows or movies about California have you?” Medusa looked at him.

“I was always too busy leafing through textbooks and scientific journals,” the ex-scientist turned Kraken recalled, “the closest I got to anything Californian was eating a bunch of California raisins one time. Which almost got me deported from Italy for offending Tuscan grape growers.”

A guy walking along the beach in dark sunglasses suddenly spots the Kraken.

“Hey,” the man walked up to him, “aren’t you the same Kraken who appeared in that Geico commercial on TV where you jumped out of a water hazard on a golf course and devoured a bunch of golfers?”.

“I’m the same Kraken all right,” Napoleon VI smiled photogenically.

“I was once beheaded by the Greek hero Perseus,” Medusa spoke up anxious for the sandals and Hawaiian shorts and dark sunglasses wearing dude to be impressed by her as well.

“I never saw that movie,” the dude replied, “although my kids did.”

“Oh,” Medusa looked disappointed.

“Can I have your autograph?” The dude asked the Kraken.

“Sure,” the Kraken smiled again, “do you have a pen on you?”.

The dude reached into his shorts pocket and pulled out a pen bearing the logo Moonlite Bunny Ranch Nevada.

The Kraken took the pen with one of his tentacles and autographed the dude’s autograph book.

“Moonlite Bunny Ranch Nevada?” The Kraken looked at the logo on the pen, “Did you ever run into a shapeshifting hamster/human called Renfield R. Renfield who often shops there?”.

“I have on quite a number of occasions,” the dude nodded, “in fact it was Mr. Renfield’s posting a photo of him and me together in a hot tub with a bunch of working girls on that ranch on his Facebook page that has allowed me to add the title of having an ex-wife to my list of accomplishments.”

“Renfield often has the habit of leaving chaos in his wake,” the Kraken acknowledged.

“Yes, you should try Renfield’s primordial void soup,” Medusa grimaced, “I was sick for days afterwards.”

“I must admit it didn’t go well with my Kraken digestive system either,” Napoleon VI recalled.

“Can I get a selfie with you and Medusa together?” The dude asked, “My golfing buddies will be so thrilled with you Mr. Kraken and my children will go nuts over seeing you Medusa with your head attached and minus all those slithering creepy crawly viper venomous reptiles in your curly locks of hair.”

“Sure,” the Kraken and Medusa agreed.

As they got their picture taken with the dude’s smart phone, Bernie Sanders was walking along the beach handing out his Presidential campaign literature.

“Excuse me,” Sen. Sanders addressed them, “but you three aren’t registered Democrats by any chance are you?”.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday May 15th 2016.

Permalink 16 Comments

Next page »