Athena and Renfield In Vienna
British MP Renfield R. Renfield and the Greek goddess Athena in Vienna
King Charles III was worried about the War in Ukraine and the possibility that it could explode into a global nuclear war.
It seemed to him that America’s Joe Biden was a senile old fool and Canada’s Prime Minister Justin Trudeau was a bedwetting imbecile who suffered from arrested emotional development.
The king was right on both counts.
So on the advice of his leading advisor Paddington Bear, His Majesty decided to send British MP Renfield R. Renfield, who was a member of the two seat British Arthurian Party (formerly the British Transhumanist Party until Renfield came to the conclusion that the philosophy of Transhumanism was out to lunch especially the terrifying possibility of George Soros, Bill Gates and Klaus Schwab living forever as Cyborgs) in the UK 🇬🇧 Westminster House of Commons to a secret conference in Vienna Austria (so secret that not even the Neo-Trotskyite heads of government of the NATO and EU countries were told about it) between a Russian delegation and a Ukrainian delegation to see if some sort of peace treaty could be negotiated.
Renfield had asked the ghosts of Orson Welles and Winston Churchill to accompany him as his advisors.
Churchill said he would need time to study the history of the conflict in depth before he felt worthy of dispensing advice on the subject.
Ditto for the ghost of Orson Welles.
Although Welles said he was willing to accompany Renfield as official black and white photographer for the trip (since Welles enjoyed black and white photography) in order to record the trip for posterity (if and when the secret conference became known to history).
Renfield agreed to take Welles as his official black and white photographer.
Churchill settled back with a large spectral cigar and a large spectral glass of brandy in an easy chair in the library and archives of the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set’s colossal West London mansion and began reading on the subject of the history of relations between Ukraine and Russia dating back to the founding of Christian Kievan Rus in 988 AD.
Renfield turned to his friend Dracul Van Helsing to see who he would recommend taking to Vienna Austria for the conference.
Dracul recommended Athena the Greek goddess of wisdom.
And so Renfield had flown to Vienna with Athena.
Members of both the Ukrainian and Russian delegations arrived at the Hofburg Palace wearing paper bags over their heads. Not because they were ugly (there was no indication that the ghost of Oscar Wilde would attend the conference to give his opinion of aesthetics on both proceedings and participants) but because they didn’t want to be seen by the outside world.
The American Deep State, which was all gung-ho for a global nuclear war in hopes that this would reduce the world population to a manageable level of 500 million people (like George Soros, Bill Gates and Klaus Schwab envisioned), might become very pissed off if they heard that Russia and Ukraine were negotiating behind their back to achieve a peaceful resolution.
Why senile old fool Joe Biden (the world’s most prolific donor of drag queens for Children’s Storybook Reading Hours in public libraries) might stop giving arms to Ukraine.
And then Zelensky might lose his major source of income by turning around and selling those arms.
As an ad for Forbes Magazine (which turned into a popular meme on the Internet) showed, with a picture of Zelensky that said, “I earned $10 billion while working from home. Ask me how.”
Zelensky had even managed to sell a machine gun to the Norse trickster god Loki for €20,000 (Twenty thousand Euros 💶).
Although Loki’s Zelensky supplied machine gun recently turned out to be no match for a silver arrow fired by the crossbow of the Celtic stag god Cernunnos.
The conference would be chaired by Samhain Cardinal Salaman one of the few heterosexual administrators currently working in Pope Francis’ Lot’s Wife = Pillar of Salt Vatican.
As for Vienna’s own Christoph Cardinal Schönborn (definitely no relation to the heterosexual Christopher Dracul Van Helsing), he was busy trying to organize yet another gay porno strip show rock concert and Mass at St. Stephen’s Cathedral in Vienna.
The conference would begin with a formal dinner in one of the Hofburg Palace’s many Viennese ballrooms.
The ghost of Orson Welles took a black and white photo of Renfield and Athena as they awaited the arrival of Samhain Cardinal Salaman.
-A vampire novel chapter
Written by Christopher
Tuesday April 4th
2023.
₱ainting of The Countess Gina
The Shooting of Werewolf Dangerous Stan McGruesome
Reblog of The Wild Lindsay Lohan Girl
This was a poem I wrote 13 years ago way back in July 2007 when actress Lindsay Lohan and her shenanigans were big in the news. Written to the tune of the Irish folk song about colonial Australia entitled The Wild Colonial Boy.
The Wild Lindsay Lohan Girl
The Wild Lindsay Lohan Girl
A song written by Christopher
aka Dracul Van Helsing
July 25th, 2007
to the tune of the old Irish song
The Wild Colonial Boy
There was a wild Lindsay Lohan girl, Lindsay Lohan was her name
when it came to finding cocaine, she claimed she’d been framed
She was not doing dope, her car just went for a twirl
and dearly did the tabloids love the Wild Lindsay Lohan girl.
At the early age of sixteen years, she had more than a thousand beers
and to California traffic laws, she gave several bronx cheers
She went up on the sidewalk running over Patrolman Merle
a terror to the highways was the Wild Lindsay Lohan girl.
One fine evening as Lindsay rode along
she threw out the window her very thin thong
Three mounted troopers charged her down
this drunken airheaded clown
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Michelangelo’s Vision of No More Xi
Michelangelo’s Vision of No More Xi
Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster was having a bubble bath and playing with his rubber ducky when suddenly he picked up a news bulletin from the future on his psychic lobster antennae.
BBC News Announcer: What we know so far is that Communist China’s paramount leader Xi Jinping was killed in an attack on Xi’s palace by an American plane.
This is probably the most dangerous international geopolitical tinderbox since the Cuban Missile Crisis of 1962.
Our London reporter Ernstwhile Humphreys is reporting on the British public’s reaction to the possibility of a nuclear World War III.
Ernstwhile, can you hear me?
Ernstwhile: Yes, I can, Terence.
Stores all across the United Kingdom are reporting the biggest run on toilet paper since the start of the Covid-19 pandemic.
The camera breaks away as masked spectators in the background start singing, “Rule Britannia. Britannia rules the rolls.”
BBC News Announcer: Thank you, Ernstwhile.
We’ve just received word from our BBC Beijing correspondent Babel Ling Brooks as to what led to this major geopolitical incident.
Babel Ling Brooks (looking resplendent in her scarlet red evening dress): Thank you, Terence.
Surprisingly what hawks in the Chinese Communist Party are calling a U.S. directed airplane assassination on Xi had actually started out as a peaceful diplomatic overture from Washington DC to Beijing.
In a special White House ceremony, Donald Trump had just named actor Harrison Ford (of Han Solo and Indiana Jones fame) as U.S. Goodwill Ambassador to China and had asked the septuagenarian actor to fly to China in his own private plane (which Ford always pilots himself) to Beijing to deliver a personal message of peace and goodwill to Xi.
According to my sources in Beijing Air Traffic Control, Ford, while piloting his plane, overshot the Beijing airport by an unbelievably large number of kilometres and ended up crashing into Xi’s palace right into the paramount leader’s bedroom where Xi was apparently paramounting one of his many female concubines.
Xi was killed instantly- his head being severed by one of the plane’s rotating propeller blades and ending up on a silver platter below an Italian Renaissance artist’s painting of Salome Doing The Dance of The Seven Veils that Xi had apparently been given as a gift from Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman.
The concubine has fortunately survived unharmed and is currently entertaining bids from both CNN and Fox News as to which U.S network she’ll grant an exclusive interview with first.”
The vision ended with the concubine holding a Siamese cat being invited to the White House by Donald Trump.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday May 3rd
2020.
Renfield’s TV Commercial For Enterprise Rent-A-Car
Renfield’s TV Commercial For Enterprise Rent-A-Car
Tonight’s candidates’ debate in the Tewkesbury In The Cotswolds constituency wasn’t really a formal debate.
It was more of a get to know the candidates’ night in which each candidate talked about their hobbies or their interests outside politics.
When it was Renfield’s turn to speak, he said his hobby was writing TV commercials.
Said Renfield, “I just wrote a commercial for a North American car rental company Enterprise Rent-A-Car which was filmed today and company executives are currently debating whether to air it on television.”
Amadeus Emanon (who was sitting in the audience) groaned.
He had had previous experience watching some of Renfield’s TV commercials.
“And now I would ask the hall technician to play the video,” Renfield grinned, “You’ll get a sneak peak of that TV commercial which will hopefully be shown in North America soon.”
The video played and it showed actor William Shatner as Captain James T. Kirk wearing the exact same Starfleet uniform that he probably wore in the original 1960s TV series Star Trek.
Clothes he had very much since outgrown.
“Hi,” said a smiling William Shatner, “I’m Captain James T. Kirk of the Starship Enterprise speaking to you on behalf of Enterprise Rent-A-Car. I’m filling in for my friend Patrick Warburton the usual Enterprise spokesman who’s come down with acute laryngitis ever since he won first place in a Greta Thunberg voice impersonation contest a few nights ago…”
Amadeus sank lower in his chair.
Captain Kirk walked among the cars at the Enterprise Rent-A-Car lot, “Whenever I visit Earth, I use Enterprise Rent-A-Car to get around.
I’ve been Captain of the Starship Enterprise for over 60 years now and I’ve been using Enterprise Rent-A-Car for almost as long. People keep telling me that I should have retired years ago and the way I no longer fit into this Starfleet uniform, perhaps they’re right. I seem to have gone well beyond middle aged paunch in terms of my weight…”
The button on Captain Kirk’s black pants burst and he’s forced to use one of his hands to hold it up.
“Yesterday I rented a car from Enterprise Rent-A-Car to drive to Ottawa where I received the Order of Canada from Canada’s Governor-General at Rideau Hall in Ottawa. Then I rented another car from Enterprise this morning to drive to Washington DC to meet with Donald Trump and tell him that the planet Xenuthalu had concluded its investigation and found no evidence of wrongdoing by Joe Biden or his son Hunter. So Trump, although disappointed, gave the order to no longer hold up nuclear arms sales to the planet. The missiles are now well on their way…”
Kirk looks at his Starship Enterprise smart phone, “Oh-oh. I just got a text message from Mr. Spock saying that the planet Xenuthalu has just signed an alliance treaty with the Klingons.”
Kirk drops the smart phone and bends over to pick it up.
A loud ripping sound from the back of his pants can be heard.
Kirk speaking into his smart phone communicator, “Quick. Beam me up, Scotty.”
Kirk is quickly beamed up just as the Rev. Pat Robertson gets out of one of the Enterprise vehicles.
Says Rev. Robertson, “Oh my God. The Rapture has just occurred. Why am I still here?”.
Robertson in a panic screams, “Why am I still here? You forgot about me, Lord. You forgot about me. Your most important, noble and humble servant you’ve left behind. You’ve forgot about me, Lord. You’ve forgot about me.”
Robertson continues to scream, “You forgot about me, Lord. You forgot about me” as the ad announcer says, “Enterprise Rent-A-Car. Choose your vehicle. Choose your destination.”
The commercial was a hit with Tewkesbury voters.
Not so much with Enterprise corporate executives in America.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday November 22nd
2019.
Renfieldian Hypnosis: Donald Trump Sings Marty Robbins’ Out In The West Texas Town of El Paso – Updated Version
“Out in the West Texas town of El Paso, I fell in love with a Mexican girl…”
British MP Renfield R. Renfield was learning from the Dragon Warrioress Crown Princess Lenora of Lemuria the very powerful techniques of hypnosis they practiced in that ancient civilization.
Renfield had told his good friend Amadeus Emanon that he was going to use a Lemurian hypnosis technique on Donald Trump just prior to the Donald’s giving his acceptance speech for the Presidential nomination at the Republican National Convention in 2020.
Curious as to what Renfield was up to, Amadeus decided that he couldn’t wait that long.
He went to see Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster at the Set Enterprises laboratory to see if the psychic little crustacean could pick up images from the 2020 Republican Convention.
It turned out that Michelangelo could.
Amadeus watched the convention on the television next to the lobster tank as Michelangelo worked his lobster antennae to the max and Harvey the invisible rabbit did the same with the rabbit ears on the old television.
Here was the scene at the Convention just prior to Trump giving his convention acceptance speech:
Convention Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States… Donald Trump…
Trump walks on to the stage waving to the crowd as the musical theme Hail To The Chief is being played.
While the musical theme Hail To The Chief is being played, rare 19th Century film footage of Lakota Sioux Chief Sitting Bull being hit by hail stones during a hail storm is projected on to the large film screen behind Trump.
“I see Renfield managed to successfully hypnotize the film projectionist at the Convention,” Amadeus remarked to Michelangelo.
“Ladies and gentlemen,” Trump told the cheering and adoring crowd, “I’m not going to give an acceptance speech. Instead I’m going to sing a song…”
Trump grabbed the microphone, walked up the stage and started to sing,
“Out in the West Texas town of El Paso, I fell in love with a Mexican girl,
On the U.S.-Mexico border, I arranged to meet her,
And as I rode, I thought of a thousand ways to greet her,
but when I arrived on the scene, I found that some idiot had built there a wall,
and found out by hitting my head against it, it caused my fine looking toupee to fall…”
When Trump had finished singing about how he had fallen in love with a Mexican girl out in the West Texas town of El Paso, he walked backstage where he was hit full force in the face by Melania’s purse.
The First Lady was quite upset with the song’s lyrics.
A secret service agent talked in code on his walkie talkie, “Hello Jupiter, this is Top Dog. Shit Hole is down. Repeat. Shit Hole is down. He requires urgent medical attention. Fiery Slovenian has hit him. Repeat. Fiery Slovenian has hit him.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday February 25th
2019.
Wilkie The Cat Plays Abraham Lincoln On Broadway: A Poem
Wilkie the feline thespian decided to celebrate Presidents’ Day 2019
By not drinking his own urine as proposed in AOC’s deal New Green
Rather he would play the role of Abraham Lincoln
and he did so after much heavy drinkin’.
Now Wilkie the Cat fancied himself the Orson Welles of Broadway
even though he was a bigger flop than a halibut caught in a codway
His proposal for a Presidents’ Day play
which drove theatregoers away
Was to play the role of Abraham Lincoln
with his catty whiskers, he’d be winkin’ and blinkin’
And his girlfriend would play Mary Todd
while the audience would play the part of Nod
which in their seats would be what they’d be doin’
As great theatre lovers underwent a serious screwin’
With encouragement from the ghost of that junior Ed Wood
Wilkie would put on the best show he could
which meant that turkey from outer space Plan 9
would when compared with Wilkie’s Lincoln look like Casablanca sublime
Wilkie fancied a play within a play like weeping over Hecuba within Hamlet
or Pyramus and Thisbe looking for rooms to let
all for the benefit of Midsummer’s wet dream
As Puck causes mortal aspirations to come apart at the seam
Wilkie’s idea was to have John Wilkes Booth as an actor on stage
appearing in Our American Cousin an 1865 theatrical rage
and have Booth shoot Lincoln from the stage rather than the Presidential Box
And allow John Wilkes Booth time to wipe the blood off his socks
Needless to say the idea sounded so much better over 10 bottles of gin
as Wilkie regaled the cast with his own peculiar historical spin
taking dramatic license to the seeming level of a mortal sin
Which it was pre-Vatican II
As Fishy Fridays
gave way to beef stew.
Sean Connery would play Our American Cousin
His line, “Miss Moneypenny, my head is abuzzin’
I have swiped the Army’s budget for the building of a wall
Because doing so I must admit makes me feel rather tall
As wearing this wee tartan kilt has me in its thrall
And the blasted neighbours won’t pay for this fine looking wall
Can you imagine their sheer arrogance and gall
And Congress won’t let me shut down government until way next fall
so I’m forced to declare an emergency even though there’s none at all.”
And Johnny Depp playing the fairy godmother of walls would appear in pink tights
giving LGBTQ members of the audience severe nocturnal frights
As Depp waves his magic wand, lo and behold
From one of his mix matched socks, a gun he does unfold
For the fairy godmother of walls is John Wilkes Booth
his night day job of exchanging nickels for a tooth
the Shakespearian actor did kindly forsooth
But Wilkie as Lincoln was eating a tuna fish sandwich
And Baphomet in the next booth was eating roast ostrich
And as William Shatner appeared as Captain James Kirk
It turned out both patrons’ food allergies were at work
With the force of a mid-Atlantic gale breeze
Wilkie and Baphomet let out a ferocious sneeze
And the wall came a tumblin’ down
right on the Statue of Liberty’s crown.
The play is over
The day is done
And Wilkie from his creditors
is now on the run.
-A Wilkie The Cat poem
written by Christopher
Monday February 18th
2019.
Theatre goers smiling because they haven’t yet seen Wilkie The Cat’s Broadway play about Abraham Lincoln.
Wilkie The Cat As Count Dracula: A Halloween Theatrical Poem
Narrator:
Gather around, all ye folks,
If you’re Canadian, watch your tokes,
In this theatre, pot is for peeing and not for smokes.
Our story begins here on Broadway
where Donald Trump sought starlets to lay
before Vladimir Putin turned him gay
Oprah Winfrey (as a transgendered Othello) :
Oh where, oh where is Desdemona?
I lie here in bed making many a moana
but I hear no Desdemona a groana.
Narrator:
Ms. Winfrey, you’re in the wrong theatre
this is what happens when you drink too much beera
The LGBTQ production of Othello is next door
please watch those Jesuit condoms on the floor
as from this theatre to that, you kindly pass
while Pope Francis’ order celebrates a Baphomet Mass
Oprah:
Oh damn, oh damn,
so much for a grand slam,
Roseanne Barr plays a transgendered Iago
while Donald Trump calls Robert Mueller a fago.
Narrator:
And now Oprah is moving her ass
as from this theatre to that, she kindly does pass
And now we shall begin our own theatrical tale
as Greenpeace activist encounters a methane gas producing carbon emissions whale
caused by Jefferey the otter’s cooked extra spicy pork and beans tipping the scale
And the good ship Demeter crashes
as Mina Harker bats her eyelashes
for the methane gas producing whale has sunk the ship
while Greenpeace activist takes a Justin Trudeau inspired trip
And Count Dracula (played by Wilkie the Cat) swims ashore
while his coffin is carried by a yarmulke wearing rabbi wild boar
it’s a good thing the boar is no porcine Hannibal Lecter
otherwise his culinary tastes would violate the Mosaic laws inspector
I forgot to mention that Mitzi la feline actress Parisienne plays Mina Harker
as Dr. Jack Seward’s asylum patient Renfield eats Peter Parker
Spiderman is now gone
a marvel of a swan song
Lackey of Christopher Lee has triumphed over a Lee named Stan
as Antifa takes a statue of Robert E. into the can
The Confederate military hero
is to the political left a great big zero
even though he freed his own slaves long before did Ulysses S. Grant
but this is all ignored in a New York Times rant
Dracula swims ashore near Whitby Abbey
where Canterbury’s ex-ArchDruid Rowan Williams looks crabby
he should have had the lobster flambe instead of crabs a l’amour
given him while dallying with a young French paramour
And Jonathan Harker (played by Kelsey Grammer) watches in horror
as Dracula seduces his sweet love Lenore
oops! – wrong script! – Poe’s The Raven is the performance for tomorrow night
as this Wilkie production of Dracula shuts down this theatre’s marquee light
As Dr. Abraham Van Helsing played by David Hyde Pierce
moves in to collect Dracula’s Transylvanian government tax arrears
he stabs the vampiric nobleman through the heart
as the carbon emissions whale in the sea lets out one last fart.
Both Greenpeace activist and Count Dracula are now dead
The janitor will have to wipe the spot where Wilkie has bled
for a real stake was mistakenly used instead of a prop
the hazards of hiring for a prop hand a drunken sop.
-A Wilkie The Cat poem
written by Christopher
Saturday October 27th
2018.
Desdemona’s Death Scene by Dante Gabriel Rosetti
A scene from a 19th Century British production of William Shakespeare’s Othello
very different from an early 21st Century American production of Othello
The Donald T-Rump Song
Oh, let us drink a drink, a drink
to Donald T-Rump, T-Rump
the saviour of the human race
or so he thought in his head
for which a poor red spider monkey bled
Now Donald T-Rump thought he was Julius Caesar
because he was just that type of senile geezer
but he forgot his Roman history
it’s certainly no mystery
Julius was assassinated
dying very constipated
and Augustus took over
like a four leaf clover
while Jared Kushner returns home from Dover
to take the reigns of power
for it is the False Messianic hour.
-A song written
by Christopher
Friday October 19th
2018
to the tune of
The Irish Rovers song
Lily The Pink
Dracul Van Helsing 
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