Kendall Jenner Pepsi Ad Updated

April 8, 2017 at 3:37 pm (Commentary, Culture, Entertainment, News, Satire, TV Commercials, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Renfield R. Renfield was asking Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster what type of Kendall Jenner Pepsi ad would have met the approval of America’s numerous idiots (of whom among the biggest are America’s current crop of late night talk show hosts).

Michelangelo transmitted the new commercial via computer imaging.

The ad showed Kendall Jenner walking up to a policeman and blowing his head off with a gun and then drinking a can of Pepsi in celebration.

The hashtag #PepsiGenius exploded across Twitter among any social media user with an IQ lower than a child’s shoe size.

And the reactions of America’s talk show hosts were immediate:

South African idiot Trevor Noah: Pure genius. That’s Pepsi.

Home-grown American idiot Stephen Colbert: Pepsi. Pure genius.

Another home-grown American idiot Jimmy Kimmel (secretly wishing that the part of the white cop in the commercial had been played by Matt Damon): Pepsi genius. Pure.

Amadeus Emanon looked at the commercial while drinking a Pepsi, “So that’s how Pepsi and Kendall Jenner can get back on top, huh?.”

“Yes,” said Renfield nodding and then he looked at the huge pile of American college rejection emails he had received in his computer inbox, “I applied to every prestigious ivy league university in America last week. I didn’t submit any grades or achievements. All I wrote was “Black lives matter”. And I still got rejected.”

“It might have helped if you had used a more Islamic sounding name on your application,” said Amadeus switching over to Coca-Cola.

“Yeah, you’re probably right,” Renfield reached for a brandy.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday April 8th
2017.

Kendall Jenner Pepsi Ad
Kendall Jenner: Walk softly. And always carry a gun with your can of Pepsi.

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Justin Trudeau and Gali-Gula Discuss Bimbo Eruptions

April 6, 2017 at 6:22 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, Humour, News, Politics, Satire, Science-Fiction, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , )

Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau gave a long exhale.

“I wonder what the fun is in smoking this if you don’t inhale,” Justin Trudeau was recalling a peculiar statement that then Presidential candidate Bill Clinton had made back in the 1992 U.S. Presidential election.

“Hello, Prime Minister,” an unclothed and completely nude ET gray greeted him.

“Good God, Gali-Gula,” Justin choked on his joint, “why is it that I only see you when I’m smoking marijuana?”.

“I have no idea, Prime Minister,” Gali-Gula shrugged, “how have you been doing?”.

“Well, these days some people claim that I’m prone to making bimbo eruptions,” Justin remarked angrily.

“What’s a bimbo eruption?” asked Gali-Gula.

“It’s making an outrageously stupid statement and one that comes out of nowhere,” Justin said.

“I don’t think I’m familiar with bimbo eruptions,” Gali-Gula went to the refrigerator and helped himself to a can of Molson Canadian beer which he had first tried on his dominatrix whipped rear end a year ago.

Justin noticed for the first time that the nude ET gray had no genitalia.

“Say,” Justin asked, “is it easier to pee without genitalia?”.

“That’s an awfully stupid question,” the ET gray answered as he opened up the can of Molson Canadian and was immediately sprayed with foam.

“Sorry, I apologize,” the volcanically active bimbo eruptive Prime Minister apologized.

“I didn’t know you were prone to bimbo eruptions,” Gali-Gula drank the beer.

“Neither was I. I thought it was only something that blonde females were prone to,” said the self-proclaimed feminist Mr. Trudeau.

There was a knock at the door which immediately opened.

Gali-Gula dropped the beer and vanished.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt you while you were having a one-man party, Prime Minister,” the aide noticed the spilled can of beer on the floor and the joint of pot in Trudeau’s hand, “but President Trump is on Line 1.”

Justin walked over to the phone and picked it up, “Hello, Mr. President?”.

Trump replied, “Hello Justin. Great talking to you. In lieu of what just happened in Syria, I wanted to ask you, what do you know about the after effects of using chemicals?”.

Justin Trudeau looked out the window with pot in hand and noticed a UFO spaceship flying away.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday April 5th
2017.

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Belvedere Interviews Donald Trump

February 12, 2017 at 4:20 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, News, Satire, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

President Trump (to Belvedere): You’re the reporter from The Times of London?

Belvedere: That’s right.

Trump: But you’re the ghost of a ghost white salamander?

Belvedere: That’s also right.

Trump: Okay. I suppose that’s all right. Mitt Romney told me that the ghost of a ghost white salamander told him that I was descended from Jesus Christ and Mary Magdalene.

(A news bulletin on the television in the next room said that actor Tom Hanks had just been rushed to hospital)

Belvedere: It wasn’t me.

Trump: It wasn’t? That’s too bad. If Mitt Romney had found the supporting documentation from the Mormon Church Archives, I’d have made him Secretary of State. But he didn’t. So instead I made that guy who’s Chairman of Exxon the Secretary of State. I forget his name but he used to offer me great deals on gasoline.

Belvedere: How do you like being President of the United States?

Trump: I love it but the court system in this country is a real pain in the ass to quote that guy in the next sauna next to me in that gym I used to go to in Manhattan.They won’t let me do what I want. What a bummer. Again quoting that guy next to me in the next sauna.

Belvedere: How do you feel about having your plans upset like that?

Trump: Well I often thought about making myself Emperor and then I wouldn’t have to deal with irritants like judges. Or even worry about getting re-elected for that matter.

Belvedere: Emperor?

Trump: Emperor of America. I mean Rome was a republic for over 200 years after they got rid of their kings. And then they became an Empire with an Emperor. Why can’t we do the same? It’s been over 240 years since George Washington and our forefathers booted King George III and his Hanoverian ass out of this country. We’ve been a republic for 240 years. We should try something new. Julius Caesar wanted to be Emperor of Rome but he got himself assassinated. Great leaders don’t get themselves assassinated in my opinion. That’s why I’m not planning on visiting the Capitol steps of the U.S. Senate on the Ides of March. Caesar Augustus made himself Emperor and didn’t get assassinated. I plan on being more like Caesar Augustus.

Belvedere: Some people think that Augustus was fed poisonous figs, grapes or mushrooms and that’s how he died.

Trump: I’m not planning to eat any figs, grapes or mushrooms in the near future. Although damn it, I am going to miss eating those bacon, cheddar and mushroom melt burgers at Wendy’s restaurants.

Belvedere: So will the American people approve of you making yourself Emperor?

Trump: Of course they will. The American people love me.

Belvedere: What about those people that don’t love you?

Trump: Those people who don’t love me aren’t true Americans.

Belvedere: What should be done with those people who don’t love you?

Trump: They should be fed to the lions.

Belvedere: Is ancient Rome again your inspiration for this?

Trump: Absolutely. Remember those great reality shows they put on in the Colosseum in Rome? They weren’t televised because sadly they didn’t have television in those days. But we do have television. And I’m planning to build colosseums and forums with American material and American labour. We’re going to bring back gladiatorial combat to the death. We’re going to bring back feeding people to the lions We’re going to make America Rome again.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday February 10th
2017.

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New TV Car Commercial For 2017

February 11, 2017 at 12:22 pm (Commentary, News, Satire, TV Commercials) (, , , , )

(Image of a red car being driven along a moonlit highway)

Announcer: You’re not one to spend day and night constantly working at the office…

(Camera pans in on the smiling face of the driver of the red car)

Announcer: You’re one of these people who are truly the master of their own destiny…

(Driver smiles as he switches gears)

Announcer: You’re not one to be tied down to convention or strictly following the rules…

(Driver of the red car passes a slower moving car in front of him)

Announcer: In fact, you’re one of these people who always wonders why in reality there are always loads of other motor vehicles on the road as opposed to what you see on TV commercials where yours is the only vehicle on the road and possibly one or two others….

(Driver of the red car can be seen scratching his head)

Announcer: Well now you’re about to find out why…

(The red car is suddenly hit by an asteroid crashing into the highway)

Announcer: The new 2017 Nibiru Asteroid… giving you the driving experience of a lifetime…

(End of commercial as the red car can be seen burning up in a deep hole in the road as the car radio plays the R.E.M. song “It’s the end of the world as we know it…”)

-A TV Commercial
written by Christopher
Friday February 10th
2017

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Hillary and Bill and The Zombie Apocalypse

November 2, 2016 at 4:37 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, News, Politics, Satire, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Hillary and Bill and The Zombie Apocalypse

Renfield R. Renfield was once again taking advantage of genetically created psychic lobster Michelangelo’s remote viewing abilities to find out what was going on behind the scenes of the Clinton campaign .

Renfield was getting a kick out of what was happening with Hillary:

“What applies to mere mortals doesn’t apply to Hillary Clinton,” Hillary shrieked in the third person as she threw a vase at an FBI agent.

Meanwhile Bill Clinton was meeting with famed South African witch doctor Sterling Makabo who was noted for being able to raise the dead as zombies.

“As you know, Dr. Makabo,” Bill blushed, “Fox News has discovered to our embarrassment that a lot of registered voters on voters’ lists are in fact dead. These same dead people were going to vote for Hillary at the polls but now some people are making a big stink about this. So Dr. Makabo, if you’re able to raise these people from their respective graves and cemeteries as zombies, then they could trudge into the polls and vote.”

“I could do that,” Dr. Makabo admitted, “but they would trudge into the polls with their arms in front of them, with an empty vacant look in their eyes, grunt and groan a lot and say in a mindless voice, We need brains.”

“Well then they’d fit right in with most voters,” Bill grinned.

And so it was arranged and agreed upon.

Doctor Makabo would raise dead people from the dead as zombies to vote for Hillary.

The listening Renfield found it quite appropriate that a country so taken with the idea of a zombie apocalypse as the U.S. had been for the past 5 to 6 years- that the Zombie Apocalypse would finally arrive on U.S. Election Day.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday November 2nd
2016.

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A Renfieldian TV Commercial

October 24, 2016 at 4:32 pm (Comedy, Entertainment, Humour, Satire, TV Commercials, Vampire novel) (, , , , )

A Renfieldian TV Commercial

A London advertising agency was once again holding its Best Written TV Commercial contest and once again Renfield R. Renfield would be submitting one of his entries.

He had called Amadeus downstairs to read him his Commercial masterpiece.

Once again Amadeus approached to listen with both tea and trepidation.

Renfield read the commercial he had written:

Bald Guy (in white suit addressing camera): You know what really ticks me off?

Another Bald Guy (in black suit addressing camera): You know what really ticks me off?

Bald Woman (in black dress addressing camera): You know what really ticks me off?

Bald-Headed Dog (addressing camera): Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! (translation in subtitles): You know what really ticks me off?

Bald Guy (in white suit): There are no shampoos for bald people.

Another Bald Guy (in black suit): There are no shampoos for bald people.

Bald Woman (in black dress): There are no shampoos for bald people.

Bald-Headed Dog: Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! (translation in subtitles): There are no shampoos for bald people.

Marble Headed Bust of A Bald Karl Marx (speaking): Bald headed people of the world unite! The classless hairless society has arrived.

Announcer: Yes, my follicle challenged friends, equal opportunity has arrived. There is now a shampoo for bald people- Abernathy’s Shampoo For Bald People. Now enjoy the same lathering rinse on your head that your fully follicled friends currently enjoy.

1st Bald Headed Guy (now lathering with Abernathy’s): It controls my dandruff for days.

2nd Bald Headed Guy (lathering with Abernathy’s): Now my girlfriend doesn’t mind running her fingers through my head.

Bald Headed Woman (after lathering with Abernathy’s): It makes my head shiny and manageable. Notice the bounce when I shake my head.

Bald-Headed Dog (getting lathered with Abernathy’s by his owner): Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! (translation in subtitles): That golden glow my head now shows is really noticed and appreciated by the bitches in heat down at the park.

Announcer: Yes, you baldies out there, there is now a shampoo for you- Abernathy’s Shampoo For Bald People.

Bald-Headed Guy With Glasses (standing on a house sidewalk with his back towards the street): Hello, I’m Dr. Benjamin Abernathy the inventor of Abernathy’s Shampoo For Bald People. I’m here to tell you about my exciting new product. (A white coloured van with the large lettering CRESCENT PLACE HOME FOR THE HOPELESSLY INSANE pulls up behind him) I hope you’re as excited about my new product as I am. (Two guys in white jackets and white pants get out of the van). I was tired of seeing all my friends with hair shampooing their heads in the shower which is why I’ll be appearing in court next week on charges of voyeurism but that’s another story. Instead if you order Abernathy’s Shampoo For Bald People now, I’ll send you a free Abernathy Comb For Bald People (the two men in white jackets grab Dr. Abernathy) as well as a free Abernathy Brush For Bald People. (One of the men in white jackets opens the back of the white van) Phone our operators now and I’ll send in a Free Blow Dry and Curling Kit For Bald People. (The men in white jackets throw Dr. Abernathy into the padded cell at the back of the van and close the back door marked CRESCENT PLACE HOME FOR THE HOPELESSLY INSANE).

Announcer: Yes, friends, get your Abernathy’s Shampoo For Bald People now. Before they come to get you.

. . .

Renfield looked at Amadeus, “So Amadeus, what do you think?”.

Amadeus sat there, holding his cup of tea half-way to his lips, frozen in space and time, an expression of total shock on his face.

“Well?” Renfield prodded again.

“What,” Amadeus asked quietly, “is the phone number for that CRESCENT PLACE HOME FOR THE HOPELESSLY INSANE?”.

“Why do you ask?” Renfield gazed suspiciously at Amadeus.

-A vampire novel chapter
and Renfieldian TV
Commercial
written by Christopher
Sunday October 23rd
2016.

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Justin Trudeau Meets Gali-Gula

August 18, 2016 at 12:49 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, Humour, Politics, Satire, Science-Fiction, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , )

Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau had promised to legalize marijuana if he was elected. And last year he was elected. So Justin figured he better legalize marijuana.

He decided there was nothing like taking a personal approach to an issue. So today on the 39th Anniversary of Elvis’ death, he decided to try smoking marijuana until smoke was coming out of his ears.

As his aide opened the door, the smoke was indeed coming out of the Prime Minister’s ears.

“Prime Minister, what are you doing?” his aide asked.

“I’m doing a one-man personal investigation into studying the effects of marijuana,” Justin replied.

“But Prime Minister, you have a major speech to deliver within an hour,” his aide pointed out.

“I already wrote it,” Justin handed him his speech.

20 minutes later, his aide contacted the organization Justin was to address and told them that the Prime Minister had come down with a rare summer cold and wouldn’t be available to speak tonight.

. . .

As Justin Trudeau slept off the aftereffects of his one-man personal investigation of the after-effects of smoking marijuana, he woke up and saw a pair of glowing red ET gray buns in his face.

“Holy smoking hot buns, Batman,” Justin spoke a line that would have fit right in with the lingo of the popular Batman television series of the 1960s.

“That I have,” Gali-Gula the ET gray (whose body was inhabited by the ghost of the late Roman Emperor Caligula) agreed as he turned around.

“Good God,” Justin Trudeau said as he looked at the creature, “you’re gray in colour, you look like ET in appearance, you’re nude and you’re not wearing any panties.”

“That’s true,” Gali-Gula admitted, “although Caitlyn Jenner has promised to take me shopping the next time I visit Beverly Hills.”

“What do you want with me?” Justin asked while blinking at the ET gray in the same manner that Chief Commissioner Dreyfus blinked at Inspector Clouseau in the old Blake Edwards Pink Panther movies with Peter Sellers and Herbert Lom.

“I wish to take a contemporary world leader back to Planet Nibiru for dissection,” Gali-Gula explained.

“But I’m too young to die,” Justin protested, “to say nothing of the fact that I haven’t achieved my goal of having one million selfies of myself taken while topless and posing with bedazzled Canadians and having them posted on Facebook.”

“That is indeed probably a worthy goal,” Gali-Gula was impressed by the young politician’s erstwhile political goals, “I’ll fly over to Moscow and see if the sometimes topless Russian leader will be more accommodating to the idea of a one-way trip to Nibiru.”

“Please do,” Justin felt relieved.

“By the way, do you have any ice I can put on my rear end to cool off my glowing red hot buns that were recently tomatoed by world famous Earthling dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes?” Gali-Gula asked.

“Well, I don’t know about ice but I do have a few ice cold bottles of Molson’s Canadian Beer that I can stick on your rear end,” Justin rose from his couch and approached the refrigerator.

And so Gali-Gula sat with his buttocks on a couple of bottles of Molson’s Canadian Beer while holding in his hands and sipping a large cup of Tim Horton’s Double Double Coffee..

Gali-Gula and the Canadian Prime Minister then discussed world history.

When Gali-Gula mentioned that as Roman Emperor Caligula, he had once appointed a horse to the Roman Senate, Justin looked out the window and noticed that former Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper’s horse was once again eating the roses in his garden. Harper’s horse never ate the roses in Harper’s garden but only in Trudeau’s garden.

“You just gave me an idea,” Justin grinned, “I always wondered where I could stick Harper’s horse.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday August 16th 2016.

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Michelangelo’s Vision of A Donald Trump Presidency

June 1, 2016 at 6:13 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, News, Politics, Satire, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Michelangelo’s Vision of A Donald Trump Presidency
German Chancellor Angela Merkel was anxious to discover who would win the U.S. Presidential election.
So she had paid Set Enterprises’ €1 million to find out.
But Set Enterprises’ genetically created Psychic Lobster refused to reveal that information.
The German Chancellor was anxious to know what would be the results of a Donald Trump Presidency.
So Set Enterprises’ chief resident mad scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher posed the question hypothetically to the psychic lobster, “What would a Donald Trump Presidency be like?”.
Michelangelo replied with a series of visions that he sent telepathically from his lobster antennae to the screen of the computer he was hooked up to.
All the visions were of Donald Trump sitting in the Oval Office:
1st Vision:
Trump (barking orders to his underlings) : What? How dare the Mexicans reject my final offer to get them to pay for the wall I’m building? This makes me look like I’m breaking my campaign promise to my supporters.
Get on the phone to the Pentagon and tell them to nuke Mexico City. This will show them who’s boss.
2nd vision:
Trump (still barking orders): What? How dare Pope Francis condemn me as unChristian for nuking Mexico City?
Get on the phone to the Pentagon and tell them to nuke the Vatican.
This will show that godless atheistic communist in a cassock who’s truly doing God’s work.
3rd Vision:
Trump (still barking) : I didn’t like that story CNN’s Anderson Cooper did on me last night.
Get on the phone to the Pentagon and tell them to nuke CNN Headquarters in Atlanta.
This will make what General Sherman did look like a Sunday School barbeque.
4th Vision:
Trump (continuously barking): How dare the New York Times condemn me for nuking Atlanta? It’s not my fault the entire city happens to surround CNN.
Get on the phone to the Pentagon and tell them to nuke the New York Times Building in New York City. But phone my financial so-called Blind Trust first and get them to sell all my investments and disperse all my assets in the Big Apple first.

100th Vision:
Trump (the neverending bark): How dare the Republican governor of New Mexico condemn me for making a radioactive wasteland of most of the country and most of the planet?
Get on the phone to the Pentagon and tell them to nuke the state of New Mexico. But pull any investments I might have in the Santa Fe Railway first.

665th Vision:
Trump (still hot under his dog collar and barking wildly): How dare the State of Hawaii vote to secede from the Union saying that it’s now governed by a lunatic tyrant worse than Nero and Caligula put together?
Get on the phone to the Pentagon and tell them to nuke Honolulu. But sell any real estate and property I might hold in Hawaii first.
666th Vision: How dare the Pentagon refuse my orders to nuke Hawaii saying that there’s not much left of the U.S.A. ? Is it my fault that there’s so many damned traitors to the Commander-In-Chief living in this country? I’m trying to be Presidential about this.
Get on the phone to the Pentagon and tell them to go nuke themselves. And that’s an order. If they refuse to go nuke themselves, they’re loosing their Armed Forces pensions.

(The resulting atomic mushroom cloud appearing over the Pentagon expands and falls all over Washington D.C. taking the entire city including the White House and Oval Office with its barking and raging occupant Donald Trump with it)
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday June 1st
2016.

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Renfield For President

February 8, 2016 at 7:43 pm (Comedy, Geopolitics and International Relations, Humour, News, Politics, Satire, TV Commercials, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

Renfield For President

Renfield R. Renfield informed Amadeus Emanon that he intended to run for President of the United States.

Grinning like the cow who had jumped over the moon because Red Bull had given her wings, Renfield smiled, “A large group of American bloggers have been urging me to run so I’ve decide to accede to their requests.”

“But you weren’t born in the U.S.,” Amadeus pointed out, “you were genetically created in a lab in Britain.”

“So not being born in the U.S. is no longer a problem in U.S. Presidential politics,” Renfield smiled as he looked at a copy of a phony birth certificate the then U.S. Territory of Hawaii issued to Sun Yat-sen (the future founder and President of the Republic of China) back in the late 19th Century, “the current President may have been born in Kenya. The winner of the Iowa Republican State Caucuses was born in Canada. And as for being genetically created in a lab, 50 years from now, everyone will be genetically created in a lab. I’m just a man ahead of my time.”

“Your watch is 5 minutes fast,” Amadeus admitted as he pointed it out.

Renfield took off his Rolex and started winding it.

“Which party are you going to run for? Republican or Democrats?”
Amadeus asked.

“I’m going to run as a write-in candidate on both Republican and Democratic ballots in the various caucuses and primaries,” Renfield grinned, “who knows maybe I’ll win both Party nominations and I can wind up saving the U.S. taxpayer the cost of holding a Presidential election this November. The election can be cancelled and everyone in both houses of Congress can unanimously elect me President of the United States. The ghost of Josef Stalin will be so proud.”

“So what have you been working on?” Amadeus asked with some trepidation as he looked at Renfield’s computer screen.

“My TV campaign commercial for President,” Renfield smiled as he blew his nose into a handkerchief with Uncle Sam’s picture on it.

“Can I see it?” Amadeus asked.

Renfield touched the play button.

The commercial played.

Announcer: Today, America has become the laughing stock of the world…

(various short news clips are shown)

Bill Clinton: I did NOT have sexual relations with that woman…

George W. Bush: There ARE Weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq.

Barack Obama: The U.S. is winning the war against ISIL… that everyone else insists on calling ISIS…

(In the background, a video is shown of ISIS fighters wearing black t-shirts that say It’s ISIS You Moron! beheading U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry)

Hillary Clinton (as Secretary of State in 2012) : As Goddess Oprah is my witness regarding those emails, I honestly thought Benghazi was the name of a Jewish actor in Hollywood…

Donald Trump: Everyone else running in this campaign is a loser…

(A strong downtown Manhattan wind blows Trump’s toupee away and he goes running down the street after it)

Announcer: It’s time for a President of whom America can be proud:

(A clip is shown of Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie, Johnny Depp and Rowan Atkinson asking Renfield R. Renfield for his autograph)

… Renfield R. Renfield…

… he’ll be tough when it comes to negotiating with America’s enemies…

(A clip is shown of Renfield sitting at a table right across from Vladimir Putin looking at him face-to-face and staring at him eyeball to eyeball)

(Renfield reaches into his jacket pocket, pulls out a gun and shoots Putin point blank in the face killing him instantly)

One of Putin’s aides (shouting excitedly in Russian): My God, he’s shot and killed the President of the Motherland!

Renfield (feeling around in his pockets and shouting to his aides) : Does anyone remember in what pocket I left my f@!?*#%^g cigars?

Renfield R. Renfield will ensure that the world’s most dangerous drug traffickers such as Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzman will never escape lawful custody EVER again…

(A clip is shown of Renfield standing on a precipice overlooking the Grand Canyon alongside Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzman showing the Mexican drug lord the majestic beauty and grandeur of the Grand Canyon)

(Renfield pushes Guzman into the Grand Canyon)

Last words of Guzman on this Earth (as he plunges downward): Arghhhhhhhhhhh…. !!!

… Renfield R. Renfield will provide honesty in government…

(A clip is shown of Renfield at the podium at a press conference facing the media)

Renfield: I did HAVE sexual relations with that woman… (points) … and… that woman… (points somewhere else) … and … that woman (points elsewhere yet again) and… that woman… (women are seen scurrying out of the press room as the camera tries to pan in on them when Renfield points in their direction)

Renfield R. Renfield will ensure that both houses of Congress will co-operate with the Executive branch of government to pass much needed legislation…

(Renfield is standing at the podium in Congress. He pulls out a machine gun and starts blasting away at various members. Some of the bullets ricochet up into the public gallery accidentally killing the President of the National Rifle Association who’s sitting in that gallery)

Renfield R. Renfield will make mincemeat of ISIS…

(ISIS prisoners are seen being escorted into the White House kitchen where the new White House chef Dr. Hannibal Lecter is awaiting them with a meat cleaver)

Renfield R. Renfield will ensure that even the local economies in America’s smaller states are well stimulated…

(Clip of Renfield whooping it up with a bunch of working girls in a hot tub on the Moonlite Bunny Ranch in Carson City, Nevada)

… Renfield R. Renfield For President…

… Because… you need him, America…

(Clip of Renfield sitting on the edge of a desk grinning and smiling at the camera)

Renfield (grinning and smiling at the camera): No red spider monkeys were harmed in the making of the hair on my head.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
during the period
Thursday February 4th
to
Monday February 8th
2016.

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Renfield’s Voyages of The Starship Perverterprise

December 22, 2015 at 8:21 pm (Comedy, Culture, Entertainment, Humour, Satire, Science-Fiction, Short play, Short play/ comedy, Television, TV Shows, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , )

Renfield’s Voyages of The Starship Perverterprise

Renfield was on his computer watching a porno movie he wrote and produced called Star Dick.

The movie began with this narration:

“Star Dick… orgy date 3233.4321 … I’m Captain James E. Quirk. These are the voyages of the Starship Perverterprise… its 5 year mission… to explore strange new positions… to seek out new forms of sexual deviation… to boldly go where no man has gone before…”

The Executive Producer of the film in the credits was listed as Gene Popacherry which was the pseudonym Renfield used for this particular movie.

Renfield watched the following scene from the movie:

(Captain’s Quarters, Starship Perverterprise. Mr. Spook is bending over and Captain Quirk is directly behind him)

Mr. Spook: I must say, Captain, this is a very unusual positron.

Captain Quirk: Indeed Mr. Spook. It’s a position I learned from reading the Kama Sutra that great ancient Indian work of literature. It’s a book you should really read, Mr. Spook. Brush up on the earthling human side of your heritage. After all, a ship’s science officer should not live on Volcanian logic and reasoning alone.

Mr. Spook: So it would appear, Captain. Now if you wouldn’t mind disentangling yourself from my lower regions, I really wouldn’t mind getting back to work.

Captain Quirk: Um… that may be a bit of a problem, Mr. Spook.

Mr. Spook: May I inquire as to why that is so, Captain?

Captain Quirk: I must confess that I didn’t read the rest of that particular chapter of the Kama Sutra, Mr. Spook. The part that gives instructions for disentanglement.

Mr. Spook: A fine mess you’ve got us into, Captain. Do you propose that we walk around the Perverterprise like this? Like a set of conjoined Siamese twins born into the condition of a permanent pose in a Turkish bath house orgy?

Captain Quirk: I’m trying to think, Mr. Spook.

Mr. Spook: I wish you had done some thinking before hand, Captain. It’s rushing ahead without using the principles of logic that often leads to catastrophic situations such as the one we currently find ourselves in.

Captain Quirk: Well I don’t exactly recall you saying no when I first proposed this experiment, Mr. Spook.

Mr. Spook: Well as the ship’s science officer, I thought it might expand my knowledge of the universe. I wasn’t counting on it expanding the cleft between my buttocks instead.

Captain Quirk: Hold on, Mr. Spook, I’m going to get my beeper out.

Mr. Spook: Oh God. Not again, Captain.

Captain Quirk: I was referring to my telecommunicator, Mr. Spook.

Mr. Spook: Oh, thank heavens.

Captain Quirk (on his telecommunicator) : Are you there, Scatty?

Scatty (with a thick Scottish brogue) : I’m in the engine room, Captain. I’m eating some Scottish haggis and playing with the lever on my control panel.

Captain Quirk: Scatty, I need you to go down to the ship’s library and get the volume of the Kama Sutra and bring it to my private quarters immediately.

Scatty: Why should I do that, Captain?

Captain Quirk: Because even though we live in the 23rd Century, our advanced space-based civilization seems to have forgotten how to use the Internet and Google.

Scatty: No, I mean, why do you require the Kama Sutra, Captain?

Captain Quirk: That’s none of your business, Mr. Scat. Just get to the library and get the damned Kama Sutra and bring it here.

(Quirk angrily closes the top flap on his Telecommunicator)

Mr. Spook: With all due respect, Captain, I think Scatty is going to discover the reason why you need the Kama Sutra when he walks into the room and discovers us like this.

Captain Quirk: I’ll worry about crossing that bridge when I come to it, Mr. Spook.

Mr. Spook: I have the feeling Julius Caesar never encountered such a problem when he crossed the Rubicon.

Captain Quirk: Which explains how he ended up Dictator of the Roman Republic while I’m only the captain of the Starship Perverterprise.

(Quirk’s telecommunicator goes off)

Quirk (opening up his telecommunicator) : What is it, Scatty?

Scatty: I canna leave the engine room, Captain. One of the engines is undergoing a meltdown.

Captain Quirk: An engine meltdown?

Scatty: Yes, Captain, ever since a reproduction print of the early 20th Century Modigliani reclining nude portrait painting of the famous immortal Sherrielock Holmes was placed in the engine room, our engines have experienced numerous meltdowns.

Mr. Spook (commenting) : The lobsters in the ship’s aquarium have also experienced severe hyperventilating problems ever since that painting was unveiled, Captain.

Captain Quirk: All right, Scatty. I’ll try to get ahold of Mr. Mumu or Officer Rockoff.

Scatty: I must remind you, Captain- that all of the ship’s men are currently in the ship’s theatre watching tonight’s UFC Fight from Alpha Centauri.

Captain Quirk: Damn. I forgot about that.

Mr. Spook: If you wouldn’t mind listening to a Volcanian observation of condescending superiority, Captain, it seems that all you earthling men ever think about is sex or sports.

Captain Quirk: I’m afraid you’ve got us there, Mr. Spook.

Mr. Spook: And thanks to a temporary lapse in my Volcanian logical reasoning ability and judgement, I’m afraid you’ve got me there as well, Captain.

Captain Quirk (on telecommunicator) : All right, Scatty. I’ll try to get ahold of the ship’s communications officer Lt. Ucausehardonia.

Scatty: All right, Captain. I must go now. There goes another engine.

Captain Quirk: So long, Scatty.

Mr. Spook: I hope you can get ahold of Lt. Ucausehardonia because my Volcanian ears can feel a 7 year itch coming on.

Captain Quirk: This is going to be embarrassing asking a woman to fetch the Kama Sutra from the library, Mr. Spook. When Lt. Ucausehardonia comes here and finds us like this, she’s going to wonder about my sexual orientation.

Mr. Spook: My own judgement of your sexual orientation was made up the moment you suggested this bizarre exercise in physical gymnastics, Captain. I just went along with it because being a Volcanian, I’ll try anything once- a cultural tradition I’ll now be forced to re-evaluate in lieu of this particular incident.

Captain Quirk (on telecommunicator) : Lt. Ucausehardonia?

Lt. Ucausehardonia: Lt. Ucausehardonia here, Captain.

Captain Quirk: Lt., I was wondering if you could go down to the library and pick up the volume of the Kama Sutra located there and bring it here to my private quarters.

Lt. Ucausehardonia (in a sexy sultry voice) : Gosh, you’ve been feeling awfully amorous the past 24 hours haven’t you, Captain? I still haven’t recovered from your historical re-enactment of Evel Knievel penetrating into the Grand Canyon that you performed on me last night.

Captain Quirk (his face turning red) :
Actually, I was just wanting to finish reading a particular chapter I’ve never finished reading.

Lt. Ucausehardonia: Well I’m afraid the ship’s doctor Boner MacRoy checked that book out of the library when he left for 3 days vacation on the planet Orgasma, Captain.

Captain Quirk: All right, thanks anyways, Lt. (puts down the flap on his telecommunicator) : Shit! How could you do this to me, Boner?

Mr. Spook: So Captain, it appears that the good doctor has screwed you in more ways than one.

Captain Quirk: I’m… we’re going to have to go down to the bridge and set an emergency course to the planet Orgasma to pick up that book.

Mr. Spook: So we’ll have to walk the corridors of the Perverterprise looking like a kinky circus act in some Quentin Tarantino burlesque freak show.

Captain Quirk: I’m afraid so, Mr. Spook. I just hope that when we’re down on the bridge, the Federation doesn’t decide to hold one of their impromptu interplanetary televised teleconferencing calls. Where the whole galaxy will see us like this. Otherwise I’ll have a terrible time trying to explain this to the Federation.

Mr. Spook: To say nothing of your girlfriend, Captain.

– A vampire novel chapter
and Renfieldian episode
of Star Dick: Voyages
of The Starship Perverterprise
written by Christopher
during the period
Friday December 18th
to
Monday December 21st
2015.

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