The Elk From CERN On His Dark Throne
The Elk From CERN On His Dark Throne
Bill Gates was sitting on the couch blubbering away like a baby when his wife Melinda walked in.
“Bill, what’s wrong?” Melinda asked her husband as she poured herself a glass of champagne and opened up a tin of caviar.
“British MP Renfield R. Renfield said in a TV interview last night that I wasn’t cool enough to be the Antichrist,” Tears came down Gates’ cheeks like Niagara Falls, “He said that I was too bland and boring. And after all those billions I’ve spent trying to develop a vaccine that will be able to physically trace and track people – a digital identity card much like the Mark of the Beast system prophesied in the Book of Revelation Chapter 13. And then Renfield tells people that I’m not cool enough to be the Antichrist.”
“Well dear,” Melinda checked her text messages on her smart phone for half an hour and then went over and kissed him, “If it’s any consolation, I think you’re cool enough to be the Antichrist.”
“But Renfield said I wasn’t,” Bill Gates continued to blubber like a whale who was full of it, “And if Renfield said I was cool enough to be the Antichrist, then I really would be.”
“What about my opinion?” Melinda was furious, “Are you saying it’s only worth chopped liver?”.
“Speaking of chopped liver,” Gates started to wipe his glasses with a handkerchief, “Did you remember to pick up some Whiskas for the cat?”.
“You!” Melinda stormed off to the bedroom and slammed the door.
. . .
Peter Whitstable the man they called the Fox Mulder of Interpol was reading a report on his desk.
Apparently according to the report, the demons Baal and Baphomet had gone to the home of Dr. Anders Tegnell (who was Sweden’s chief epidemiologist) last night and had threatened him.
Dr. Tegnell was the man responsible for Sweden’s controversial decision not to impose a strict lockdown that the rest of the world had done along Stalinist-Maoist lines.
Dr. Tegnell had predicted a couple of months ago that the London models (developed by a research team in London England) showing the number of deaths that would occur due to Covid-19 were far too high a projection.
The epidemiologist said at the time that the number of deaths in Sweden due to Covid-19 would be around 4,000 the same number that usually occurs in the case of a normal flu season and there was no need to move to a total lockdown for the country.
Indeed the number of deaths for Sweden turned out to be 4,542 at this time (quite close to the number Dr. Anders Tegnell had originally predicted a couple of months ago).
While the London models (which the rest of the world’s medical experts had blindly accepted and followed) had far overestimated the number of deaths.
Dr. Anders Tegnell’s moderate approach had fitted in with the numbers he originally projected.
And yet today at a press conference, Dr. Anders Tegnell said that there were far too many deaths in the country.
Had Baal and Baphomet pressured him to attack his own approach?
. . .
Dr. Marmalade Montague (the former Paris baker who now fancied himself the Court Scientist to the Court of Louis Quatorze and a time traveler from that Sun King era) had flown to Rome Italy in the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set’s environmentally friendly dirigible airship.
He had gone down to visit Rome’s catacombs.
And as he was walking in one catacomb just below the Vatican, he was startled to see the demons Baal and Baphomet kneeling before an elk seated on a midnight dark black throne.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday June 3rd
2020.
An Elk, Cthulhu and The Antichrist
An Elk, Cthulhu and The Antichrist
Monsieur Philippe Geoffrei Gaston a TV reporter for France 24 Live (which is France’s 24/7 international news TV channel) was interviewing British MP Renfield R. Renfield to get a British perspective on Britain leaving the EU.
Renfield was eating malt vinegar covered Fish and Chips wrapped in the Times of London newspaper, drinking brown ale and eating gulab jamun for dessert which as the British MP told the French journalist would definitely be considered the most typical British cuisine in the year 2020.
“Boris Johnson says he wants a final deal between Britain and the EU before December 31st of this year or otherwise it’s a no deal Brexit,” Gaston noted, “Do you think a final deal is possible before that date?”.
“No, it will probably turn out to be a no deal Brexit,” Renfield wiped his mouth with a napkin.
“And why is that?” Gaston asked.
“Because the Europeans are so unreasonable about everything,” Renfield lit a cigar.
“Well,” Gaston frowned, “as a Brit waving good-bye to Europe, what do you think would be the best thing to happen to Europe?”.
“The best thing to happen to Europe is if a Bourbon once again sat on a restored French throne, a Hapsburg sat on a restored Austro-Hungarian throne and a Romanov sat on a restored Russian Czarist throne,” Renfield answered, as with his heavy cigar smoke, he set fire to a small bookshelf behind him on which sat three books entitled respectively The Legacy of The French Revolution, The Legacy of Woodrow Wilson and The Legacy of Lenin.
Startled by this answer, Monsieur Gaston with his cigarette accidentally set fire to the small French tricoloured flag that sat on his desk.
The interview came to an abrupt end and Renfield was then interviewed by a BBC reporter.
Towards the end of that interview, Renfield was asked by the BBC reporter Sir Valk Zisvay Humphreys on whether or not Bill Gates could be the Antichrist.
“No, Bill Gates is far too bland, boring and nerdy to be the Antichrist,” Renfield answered, “his vaccine implant tracking system could pave the way for the Antichrist’s Mark of The Beast system so in that way Gates could be a forerunner. But Gates just doesn’t have that necessary cool to be the Antichrist. Lucifer is not only intelligent but also an artist who likes to dazzle with his beauty. So Gates doesn’t quite cut the mustard. Although he most likely does cut the cheese.”
Sir Valk Zisvay Humphreys was quite taken aback by this answer.
Humphreys’ assistant, a man dressed in a British army captain’s uniform and wearing a peacock mask over his face, enters the room where the BBC reporter is livestreaming, “Are you free, Mr. Humphreys? We’d like you to look at some video footage of Donald Trump getting a cream pie in the face thrown by an invisible entity while Trump was surrounded by Evil Empire Stormtrooper looking Military Police as black military helicopters were hovering overhead in the background. One of our video technicians, who in my opinion has been drinking far too many Harvey Wallbangers on the job, claims that it was a 6 foot 8 tall bunny rabbit with big pink floppety ears who did it. We’d like your opinion.”
“Not now,” Humphreys foamed, “I’m busy interviewing Renfield. Ask Mr. Lucas.”
“Mr. Lucas, are you free?” The peacock masked wearing army captain ran down the hall.
Sir Valk Zisvay Humphreys turned back to Renfield.
“So you think the Antichrist will be an artist?” Humphreys inquired.
“Yes, it will be a scientific technocratic world state that the Antichrist will be running,” Renfield answered, “But the Antichrist won’t come across as being a scientific technocrat himself as those of a strictly scientific technocratic personality are generally quite bland and boring. Most people would probably prefer being beheaded rather than pledging fealty to or offering worship to such a personality. However someone who is quite artistic and flamboyant the people would have no problem following or even worshipping. The Mexican artist Diego Rivera asked Leon Trotsky in 1938 who he thought would genuinely win the most popularity in a worldwide election if one were held, Hitler or Stalin? And Trotsky answered Hitler because Stalin too much acted the stiff technocratic scientific socialist in his personality and demeanour (unlike the smiling demeanour that Stalin was portrayed as having in Soviet art propaganda) whereas Hitler had the dramatic showmanship of an artist and could easily capture people’s emotions and feelings.”
. . .
Outside the CERN Large Hadron Collider Tunnel in Switzerland, the demon Asmodeus and the little green frog Nimrod were having a picnic.
Nimrod was adding black flies to a sandwich while Asmodeus was lighting a cigarette.
A hundreds of meters tall creature with an octopus head, the wings of a dragon and the body of a human with webbed looking human arms and legs emerged from the tunnel.
“Isn’t that Cthulhu the High Priest of the Great Old Ones and the Sleeper of R’lyeh coming out of the tunnel?” Nimrod asked.
“I believe it is,” Asmodeus put on his monocle to look.
Cthulhu was followed by an elk.
“Isn’t that an elk?” Nimrod put peanut butter and jam on his black flies.
Asmodeus struggled between lighting his cigarette and putting his monocle on his right eye again, “I believe it is.”
“What’s Cthulhu doing emerging from the CERN tunnel with an elk?” Nimrod wanted to know.
“Well, I wouldn’t go down that rabbit hole if I were you,” Asmodeus was trying to decide between buffalo gryphon’s wings or teriyaki gryphon’s wings from his KFC Hybrids Bucket.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday June 2nd
2020.
Qonzilqointec In Stockholm
Qonzilqointec In Stockholm
The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec was walking the streets of Stockholm Sweden.
She was protected by Dr. Cadbury Rocher’s Sunblock For Vampiresses on her skin which prevented her from being quite literally burnt to a crisp on a sunny Stockholm afternoon on the last day of May 2020.
Sweden (the birthplace of Scandinavian social democracy) had not instituted a lockdown during the pandemic.
And while its Covid-19 death rate of 319 deaths per million was far higher than lockdown Norway’s death rate of 40 per million and lockdown Denmark’s death rate of 91 per million, Sweden’s death rate was still lower than that of extreme lockdown Italy, extreme lockdown Spain and the extreme lockdown United Kingdom.
This naturally upset the leftist news media throughout the world as well as numerous U.S. Democratic Party politicians in the U.S. who were hoping that locking multitudes of people in their homes and forbidding them to attend public worship services would bring about the necessary spiritual conditions for the Antichrist to emerge on the world stage and finally proclaim the New World Order (for which George Soros, Bill Gates and Pope Francis had thanklessly worked their asses off the past few years).
Qonzilqointec was in Sweden because the Set Enterprises intelligence network had heard that representatives of the Communist Chinese government in Beijing and representatives of the Havana based Neo-Nazi billionaire Robur Pike were meeting in Stockholm.
China’s paramount leader Xi Jinping and the Neo-Nazi billionaire Robur Pike had joined forces to finance the rioting and looting part of the protests in U.S. cities over the Minneapolis murder of Afro-American George Floyd by white policeman Derek Chauvin.
It was advantageous to Xi to have mass violent protests in the U.S. so he could crush Hong Hong autonomy and maybe even invade Taiwan and forcibly make both integral parts of the Chinese Communist state while Donald Trump was preoccupied with domestic unrest in America.
And who knows maybe invade and annex other countries in Asia after that.
You probably wouldn’t want to tell this to Xi Jinping’s face but he seemed to be very much turning into a Chinese version of Japan’s Hideki Tojo (the militaristic Prime Minister of Japan during the Second World War).
As for Robur Pike, he was a genetic clone of Confederate Brigadier Gen. and Supreme Scottish Rite Freemasonic leader Albert Pike.
Robur Pike had been genetically cloned in a laboratory in Knoxville, Tennessee back in 1966 by Dr. Eckhart Fromm a Nazi scientist brought to the United States in Operation Paperclip.
Fromm had cloned Robur Pike from locks of hair belonging to Albert Pike.
Fromm died in a parachuting accident a few months later so his knowledge of genetic cloning was lost.
It was only Bill Clinton’s decision in the 1990s to spend trillions of dollars to map the human genome that would finally allow today’s scientists to accumulate the knowledge of genetic cloning that Dr. Eckhart Fromm had in his mind.
Robur Pike, like Charles Manson of mass murdering hippy fame, longed for a race war in the U.S.
Thus Pike and Xi had formed a mutual alliance and were funding white supremacists and Antifa members to travel throughout American cities and riot, loot and burn ostensibly to honour the memory of homicide victim George Floyd.
Xi’s and Pike’s representatives were meeting in neutral Stockholm.
Qonzilqointec approached the Stockholm restaurant where the two sides were meeting.
A leprechaun on a bicycle outside the restaurant handed her the crossbow and arrow that belonged to the Celtic stag god Cernunnos.
Qonzilqointec entered the restaurant and shot the representatives of both sides- Chinese Communist and Neo-Nazi.
The waiter had just arrived with their order- a special request order of Sweet and Sour Swedish meatballs.
Unfortunately both sides were now too dead to enjoy it.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday May 31st
2020.
Alan Dershowitz and Sobek
Alan Dershowitz and Sobek
Lawyer Alan Dershowitz was conducting a thought experiment.
He was imagining himself a defence lawyer at the Old Bailey in London in 1888, that Jack the Ripper had been caught and arrested and he Dershowitz had been asked to defend the Ripper.
He was playing in his mind his opening address to the jury at the start of the Ripper’s trial, “Members of the jury, I’d like to say a few words about my client who’s the noblest Briton of them all…”
His thought experiment was interrupted by a knock at the door.
He opened it and standing there was the Egyptian crocodile god Sobek.
Dershowitz had met Sobek on a few occasions before in the presence of a presumably late former client of his Jeffrey Epstein.
Epstein used to hang out with Sobek quite often that is when the pervert pedophile financier wasn’t busy hanging out with the likes of Bill Clinton, Bill Gates, Donald Trump and Prince Andrew.
“Sobek,” Dershowitz smiled, “I haven’t seen you since Jeffrey allegedly hung himself in prison after he had knocked himself out and then tied a noose around his neck while still unconscious.”
“Those were the days my friend, we thought they’d never end,” Sobek quoted old Mary Hopkin lyrics to the attorney.
“What brings you here?” Dershowitz waved the crocodile over to an arm chair in his living room.
“I’d like to thank you for giving those Christians a hard time who think that a mandatory vaccine could be the Mark of the Beast system prophesied in the Book of Revelation Chapter 13,” Sobek sat down and helped himself to some pretzels from an appetizer dish on the coffee table.
“It was no problem,” Dershowitz lit himself a cigar and offered one to the crocodile god which Sobek accepted, “I called their bluff by saying “We all know that the Devil can cite Scripture to his purposes.” And then I proceeded to bolster my own argument by doing just that. Citing an obscure passage in the Book of Leviticus (Chapters 12 and 13 to be precise) which nobody bothers to read anymore save the occasional old fashioned Calvinist and occasional old fashioned Presbyterian who are totally obsessed with blood and gore and all manner of obscure long winded regulations. Heck even most religious Jews don’t bother reading it anymore since we no longer do living animal sacrifices in the contemporary Israelite religion. I myself am a secular inclined Jew. I suppose if I were religious, I might belong to the Synagogue of Satan that Christ and Saint John the Apostle warned about.”
“Glad to hear it,” Sobek blew smoke rings in the shape of Nile River bulrushes.
“Why are you so into mandatory vaccines?” Dershowitz asked.
“Well our friend Jeffrey was into mandatory vaccines,” Sobek smiled showing his perfectly snow white teeth.
“That I didn’t know,” Dershowitz poured a brandy and offered one to Sobek which the crocodile god accepted, “what type of vaccine was he into developing?”.
“It could be used for anything actually,” Sobek sipped his brandy, “He was intending to use administering the vaccine as a cover for something else.”
“And what would that be?” Dershowitz inquired.
“To change people’s DNA,” Sobek answered.
“I knew Jeffrey was obsessed with the idea of creating a master race,” Dershowitz moved a chess piece on a board next to him, “My cousin Anna’s best friend Rachel’s rabbi Goldbloom didn’t approve because it reeked of the Nazis Heinrich Himmler and Adolf Eichmann and their work.”
“Jeffrey was investigating cases where alleged UFO abductees were supposedly given alien implants aboard the UFOs they were taken,” Sobek explained.
Dershowitz looked on in horror as an invisible opponent captured his Queen.
He then looked over at Sobek.
“That I didn’t know,” Dershowitz swallowed his cigar and had to wash it down with brandy, “Jeffrey was always full of surprises.”
“Some doctors did find strange implants in the bodies of a few alleged UFO abductees,” Sobek pointed out, “And what these implants had in common was they were slowing changing the DNA of the abductees.”
“To what?” Dershowitz asked.
“Jeffrey wasn’t sure,” Sobek shrugged, “But it was something not human. His research came to an abrupt end when he was arrested and later suicided in prison.”
“I take it Jeffrey was wanting to administer these DNA changing implants to people,” Dershowitz moved a white bishop on the board.
“He was,” Sobek nodded, “But he realized most people, like the abductees aboard the alien craft, would probably object to having these implants. So he thought they could be administered as an extra bonus. Like say with a mandatory vaccine.”
“I wonder if Jeffrey ever discussed his plans with Bill Gates,” Dershowitz played with his white bishop and a black king’s knight as he looked over at the TV screen and it was showing some old news footage of Bill Gates meeting Pope Francis a few years back.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday May 25th
2020.
Reblog of Shiva Visits An Episcopalian Cathedral
Here’s a vampire novel chapter I wrote back in 2017.
It shows the interregnum period between the time Agathor Christie and Magog Rhys Petley served as British Members of Parliament and the time they opened up their own Private Eye office in London.
Shiva Visits An Episcopalian Cathedral
Former MPs Agathor Christie and Magog Rhys Petley were on a trip to New York City together.
Both men had been defeated in their respective constituencies by candidates for the British Transhumanist Techno-Progressive Anti Bio-Conservative Party in the recent British general election.
Agathor Christie of the British Conservatives had been defeated in his rural English constituency of Tewkesbury In The Cotswolds by British Transhumanist Renfield R. Renfield (the former Chief of Security and Intelligence Gathering for Set Enterprises).
And Magog Rhys Petley of the British Labour Party had been defeated in his rural Welsh constituency of Newbridge by Transhumanist Morgana Fay Lee (who some people claimed was a vampiress and the niece of the Arthurian era sorceress Morgan Le Fay).
Since both men had two things in common- 1) both being defeated by British Transhumanists and 2) Both having an utter loathing for British Prime…
View original post 550 more words
Labour Disruption and Strike At Set Enterprises
Last night, British MP Renfield R. Renfield was on his way to the Set Enterprises laboratory to receive a vision from Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster that was intended for his eyes only.
However due to a traffic delay caused by an extremely idiotic driver and the subsequent shooting of that extremely idiotic driver, Renfield was late getting to the Set Enterprises laboratory.
The site was now called Set Enterprises Laboratories and Rug Emporium (as Renfield’s former boss the London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set had now gone into business with the Persian goddess Anahita to sell Persian rugs together).
They had hired Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing and the Dragon Warrioress Crown Princess Lenora of Lemuria (who had first met and made out in a police interrogation room at Scotland Yard) to demonstrate how easy it was to hold tantric sex couplings on Persian rugs thus increasing the popularity of sales.
However once Renfield got to the Laboratory and Rug Emporium, the union of Persian rug employees and workers were now on strike after smoking and inhaling Canadian recreational cannabis that had been smuggled aboard a Canadian Federal Government commissioned Air Canada flight from Ottawa to London.
The rug emporium employees were now on strike demanding higher wages so they could buy higher doses of cannabis laced products so they could go on higher trips.
Their picket lines were now surrounding the Set Enterprises building and they weren’t letting anybody in.
Renfield decided it wouldn’t be a good idea to reach under his raincoat and grab his semi-automatic weapon and blow the whole lot of them to kingdom come for two reasons:
Firstly, any tourists present might think they were no longer in London but some locale in the United States and Trump would soon be tweeting his thoughts and prayers to them while not standing up to the narcissistic jackals and jackasses in the NRA who were against any form of gun control (save for a brief period in the 1960s when it became apparent that members of the Black Panthers were buying large amounts of weapons and the NRA were screaming for the government to do something and impose some form of government control over gun purchases but the memory of that brief period the current NRA leadership and membership sought to erase from most History textbooks).
Secondly, Renfield did not want to alienate any potential British Labour Party voter who might be inclined to vote for his British Transhumanist Party (Renfieldian Transhumanism was not your Ray Kurzweil Google brand of Transhumanism or Jeff Bezos Amazon brand of Transhumanism but as the ghost of the late Prague Spring of 1968 Czechoslovakian leader Alexander Dubcek called it, “Transhumanism with a human face.”).
Since the striking rug employees were higher than a kite, Renfield used his new Dr. Cadbury Rocher Cosmos brand Smart Phone to put in a call to the Niburuan ET gray Gali-Gula.
The ET gray Gali-Gula arrived in his UFO Flying Saucer and walked out to speak to the striking workers.
In the platinum plated metallic iron gloves on his hands he carried the marijuana pot smoking desert cactus plant named Strawberry Fields Forever.
Strawberry Fields Forever’s normal habitat was the greenhouse of Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau in Ottawa where the Prime Minister (who had picked up the Prince of Wales’ habit of talking to plants) would go and chat with the cannabis pot smoking cactus plant and inhale the plant’s exhaled smoke as he did so.
Then Justin could truthfully tell the Canadian news media that his lips never touched a marijuana cigarette.
Renfield looked at his watch.
He was late for a hot tub appointment with some of Japan’s top female porn stars who were currently visiting Britain.
Renfield decided he’d leave it to the Niburuan mediator the ET gray Gali-Gula to end the strike.
Michelangelo’s vision for Renfield’s eyes only would have to wait for another day.
His vision of Japanese lady porn stars in a hot tub for his eyes only were far more important.
He left.
The ET gray Gali-Gula told the crowd that his ET gray body was in fact possessed by the spirit of the ancient earthling Roman Emperor Caligula and they could only see him if they inhaled pot smoke.
The crowd was not impressed and still refused to swear off pot smoking.
Gali-Gula said, “I’ll show you the hazards of excessive pot smoking and inhalation.”
He once again picked up the pot smoking desert cactus plant Strawberry Fields Forever in his platinum plated metallic iron gloved hands.
“Show them the aftereffects of excessive pot smoking and inhalation,” Gali-Gula addressed Strawberry Fields Forever.
The pot smoking cactus plant then started hiccoughing and sneezing cactus needles in the strikers’ direction.
The strikers still refused to swear off pot smoking.
“Desperate times require desperate measures,” Gali-Gula did his best voice impersonation of Sir Winston Churchill while speaking to Strawberry Fields Forever.
“And now for something completely different,” Gali-Gula spoke to the crowd while impersonating the voice of the Monty Python TV show announcer, “And far more drastic. Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau doing a naked phallic impersonation of Donald Trump.”
Justin Trudeau had ingested Dr. Cadbury Rocher designed Reverse Viagra tablets a few hours before so his phallus would be the right size for doing a Donald Trump impersonation.
The holographic image of Justin Trudeau doing a Donald Trump phallic impersonation was astral projected from Ottawa to London.
He had a special guest to help him in his performance.
The image of a naked Justin Trudeau doing a Donald Trump phallic impersonation and doing a lap dance in the naked lap of a totally nude possible future House speaker Nancy Pelosi was an image far too horrifying for even an H.P. Lovecraft to conceive.
It was also an image far too horrifying for the striking employees of Set Enterprises Rug Emporium to receive.
They swore off pot smoking and cannabis inhalation for life.
The strike ended.
Gali-Gula had saved the day and the night.
And PTSD therapists would be receiving a multitude of clients the next day.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday November 24th
2018.
Russia’s GRU Chief Dead- Who Is Responsible?
Donald Trump was being briefed by the CIA while sitting in his briefs (and looking at photos of Shakira for nobody had bothered telling the Twitterer-In-Chief that she was in fact Colombian) on the death of Russia’s GRU (Military Intelligence Directorate) head Colonel General Igor Korobov.
“So he died from a long illness?” Trump asked.
“Well so the Russian media would have us believe,” said CIA agent and cyborg operative George Akirason as he cleared his throat of both phlegm and nanites, “but in fact Korobov only started feeling unwell back in mid-September after having received a severe reprimand from President Vladimir Putin.”
“And what brought about this reprimand?” Trump asked as he combed both seaweed and Black Sea caviar out of his toupee.
“Because Putin got what he thought was a welcome (but she turned out to be unwelcome) visitor in his bedroom one night,” George Akirason coughed a mixture of both phlegm and nanites into his Stormy Daniels photo emblazoned handkerchief, “a sensuous and lovely Kazakh Dragon Sister but she had a poison ivy laced dildo with her which she proceeded to shove up the Russian leader’s anus. She then stapled a note to Putin’s phallus which had on it a message that said, “You’ll never guess what’s going to happen next.” And the message was signed “R.R.R.” The GRU then conducted raids on the Kazakh Dragon Sister’s Moscow apartment but she had fled back to unknown locales in Kazakhstan. Howver the apartment contained several autographed posters of British MP Renfield R. Renfield.”
“Renfield R. Renfield?” The hair in Trump’s toupee stood on end 😨, “That man gives me nightmares for some reason.”
. . .
German Chancellor Angela Merkel was receiving a briefing from a leather skirted female dominatrix Malaysian agent for the German Federal Intelligence Service.
Chancellor Merkel was astounded by how much the woman looked like world famous London dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes.
The woman whose secret agent code name was Magic Mushrooms and Killer Tomatoes spoke, “Contrary to what the media is saying, Colonel General Igor Korobov did not die from his illness. He was found face down in his bathroom with both his pants and Rasputin photo emblazoned boxer shorts pulled down and a 20 pound giant banana (with the words THE MAPLE LEAF AND CANNABIS PLANT FOREVER written on it) shoved up his behind. The trauma of the impact was what killed him. A well known Kazakh Dragon Sister assassin was seen leaving his place.”
. . .
British MP Renfield R. Renfield was sitting in his parliamentary office drinking brandy and smoking cigars with the ghost of Sir Winston Churchill.
“Well,” Renfield raised his glass in a toast, “another successful operation planned by the once and future Prime Ministers of Great Britain. And executed by our beloved Kazakh Dragon Sister secret operative.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday November 22nd
2018.
A Kazakh Dragon Sister with a love for all things British.
Michelangelo’s Vision of 2018 U.S. Midterm Elections
British MP Renfield R. Renfield was back in the U.K. again after a brief one day Dia de Los Muertos visit to Mexico City where he videotaped the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec ripping out the live still beating heart of a horny sexually predatory and sexually harassing Google exec (one of many who had recently inspired a spate of Google employee strikes across the world).
Renfield then posted the video on YouTube, Facebook, Instagram and Twitter where it went viral across the Net.
The video was the one thing Renfield did that met with the approval of the #MeTooMovement.
After watching the video, the unlamented former Hollywood producer Harvey Weinstein woke up screaming in the night about having a dream of open heart surgery being performed on him without the use of anesthetic.
Another consequence was that Texas cowboys and gunslingers stopped falling in love with Mexican girls in cantinas out in the West Texas town of El Paso much to singer Marty Robbins’ displeasure.
After the burning of the heart was done in front of the Aztec feathered serpent god Quetzalcoatl (who because of his advanced age was starting to prefer his meat cooked well done rather than raw or rare these days), the Aztec deity (who was worshipped as Kukulkan by the Mayans) after eating the heart proceeded to sit down on a sofa with a bottle of tequila (containing inside it a worm in front of a biodegradable cardboard tombstone that had for an epitaph POE’S THE CONQUEROR WORM Conquered) in front of a television set and watched Orson Welles’ last film The Other Side of The Wind on Netflix.
Outside his Mexico City penthouse apartment, the ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith performed one huge storm of a whirlwind as the vampire Lev Tomi (who in his mortal life had been Leon Trotsky) the head of the UN Secretariat On The Environment and Climate Change gave a speech on climate change in the city.
Meanwhile back in Qonzilqointec’s penthouse suite on the other side of the street, the Aztec vampiress made out with Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing engaging in BDSM foreplay and mystical magic tantric sex afterwards.
Renfield flew back to Britain from Mexico listening to the Beatles’ Sgt. Pepper and Magical Mystery Tour albums on his airplane headphones while eating a nice dinner of curried lamb and curried goats’ legs on Manitoba wild rice.
Back at the CERN Large Hadron Collidor tunnel in Switzerland, the Hindu destroyer and transformer god Shiva was trying to make a curried dinner out of hubris ridden CERN scientists who had just uncovered a “ghost particle” that was about to upset the equilibrium balance of the entire cosmos.
A result of all this was that scientist Stephen Hawking was turning over on his barbeque spit in Tartarus and very much regretting the fact that he had written THERE IS NO GOD in his last book.
His mother’s favourite expression “Famous Last Words” never rang so true as now.
As soon as Renfield R. Renfield walked through the front door of the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set’s colossal London mansion, his friend Amadeus Emanon informed him of a vision that Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster had had in his lobster tank at Set Enterprises laboratories.
“Michelangelo foresees widespread violence, shootings and stabbings at polling stations across America on U.S. mid-term election day,” Amadeus stated.
“I’m not surprised,” Renfield admitted, “I imagine in future U.S. elections, the UN will have to bring in observers from the Afghan Taliban and militant sectarian groups in Iraq to make sure that future American elections are conducted in a less violent and more peaceful manner.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday November 3rd
2018.
Renfield Makes Minced Mincemeat Out of The Disciples of Santa Muerte
Renfield Makes Minced Mincemeat Out of The Disciples of Santa Muerte
British MP Renfield R. Renfield was disappointed to read on his BBC News App that the drone attack assassination attempt on Venezuelan 🇻🇪 President Nicolás Maduro had failed.
Renfield had asked Set Enterprises’ Dr. Cadbury Rocher to design some explosive drones for him which the great scientist had done.
Renfield had then sent the explosive drones to his ally the Venezuelan vampiress Francesca Chavez who along with Renfield had long been plotting the overthrow of the Marxist despot Maduro.
Francesca had hired some anti-Maduro Venezuelan Air Force Officers to carry out the attack.
Sadly they had failed.
Oh well, Renfield thought bitterly, if you want the job done, you generally have to do it yourself.
What with plotting against both Russia’s Putin and Turkey’s Erdogan in Europe, he had very little time these days to go to Latin America and overthrow or successfully assassinate Maduro.
A fact which he had often complained to his spectral friend the ghost of Sir Winston Churchill about.
New Orleans Vampiress Angelique Dumont cleared her throat.
For the British MP was supposed to be having dinner with her and her boyfriend the British concert pianist Amadeus Emanon in a London pub.
Renfield remembered his manners (especially after recalling his latest session with dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes) and paid attention to Amadeus and Angelique’s discussion about the new Winnie The Pooh film the couple had just seen – Christopher Robin.
“Angelique, is that you?” A very beautiful and tearful 😢 young Mexican woman in a red rose patterned summer white dress approached her.
“Conchetta?” Angelique rose to hug and comfort her friend, “what’s wrong?”.
“I just received a text message from my best friend Artemisia back home,” Conchetta wept, “My entire family- mother, father, brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles and cousins- in fact the whole entire village have been wiped out- massacred by the Disciples of Santa Muerte drug cartel. Somehow miraculously Artemisia managed to escape- the only one in the entire village who managed to escape.”
Conchetta tearfully managed to relate the whole story to the trio.
Amadeus and Angelique sat there in a total state of shock.
As did Renfield.
Who also was overtaken by the greatest surge of anger.
“Amadeus, do you know if the Boss,” Renfield was referring to his former and Amadeus’ current employer the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set, “still has his private Concorde jet on standby at Heathrow?”.
“I believe so,” said Amadeus.
Renfield excused himself paying his share of the bill.
He then rushed back to the Set Mansion in West London where he picked up some special supplies.
On his way out to Heathrow in the limousine, he conversed with friends he knew in the various world intelligence services about the Disciples of Santa Muerte.
He boarded Set’s private Concorde jet and within a few hours arrived in Mexico 🇲🇽 only kilometres from the colossal villa that served as the headquarters of the Disciples of Santa Muerte.
. . .
The Disciples of Santa Muerte didn’t know what hit them.
It had in fact been a Tesla sound wave pulse recently re-discovered by Dr. Cadbury Rocher.
The sound wave paralyzed all the Disciples preventing them from moving.
It didn’t however shut off their nerve and pain sensations or vocal cords for that matter as Renfield could tell from the fact that as he slowly and painfully dismembered them bit by bit, he could still hear a small portion of their loud and shrill agonizing screams through the soundproof earplugs he was wearing.
Renfield’s friend the ghost of Orson Welles was on hand with his ghostly cameras and ghostly lighting crews to film the gory and bloody and excruciatingly slow and painful 😣 bodily dismemberments which the enormous talent of a film director would upload to YouTube later.
Renfield took the decapitated heads of all the slain Disciples of Santa Muerte and posted them on spikes in the Rose Garden of the White House on top of the garden wall underneath a large banner that read I Never Promised You A Rose Garden.
The dismembered hands he put in the glass display case of the expensive gloves department in the exclusive Saks Fifth Avenue store in New York City.
The dismembered feet he put in an expensive Nike shoes display in the same Saks Fifth Avenue store.
Thighs and legs he put outside KFC stores in San Francisco and Los Angeles.
Arms and elbows he put inside display cases in the Baseball ⚾️ Hall of Fame in the village of Cooperstown, New York.
The armless, legless and headless carcasses of cadavers he put outside a Planned Parenthood clinic in Chicago underneath a banner that read Just On The Extremely Minuscule Off Chance You Happen To Run Out of Human Body Parts To Sell To Global Food Conglomerates and Pharmaceutical Companies.
. . .
Q-Amon the great sorcerer and former Egyptian Pharaoh had one literal Hell of a massive bowel movement on his Columbian cocaine plantation when he heard about the wholesale slaughter of every single member of the Disciples of Santa Muerte drug cartel in Mexico 🇲🇽.
Renfield’s action was immediately publicly condemned by Pope Francis and his lavender clique of flashy flaming Liberace style priests for failing to take into account the personal nobility of soul of all the drug gang members.
The action also launched an intense public debate among commentators, analysts and self-proclaimed journalists on YouTube on whether or not this new Machiavellian and Genghis Khan Style approach to the War On Drugs might prove more effective than the limpwristed style approach to the War on Drugs that had been conducted by the U.S. government and its allies for the past 35 years which seemed to be going absolutely nowhere.
One Fox News commentator even speculated (for which he was soundly condemned in a tweet by Donald Trump) on whether this new Renfieldian approach to the Latin American drug cartels might deem the Trumpian need to build a wall on the southern border of the U. S. totally unnecessary.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday August 4th
2018.
Reflections On The Mystery of Love
October 23, 2018 at 10:23 pm (Commentary, Literature, love, Science, Science-Fiction, Vampire novel) (Akira, Lasetter, Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster, Paul, The Egyptologist Dr. Edgar Lovecraft Ashbury)
“Love is a mystery, the world’s greatest mystery, a mystery so great that even I Hercules Poirot the world’s greatest detective will never be able to solve it.”
– Hercules Poirot the great Belgian detective created by British writer Agatha Christie
“Who has seen the wind? Neither you nor I. Yet we have all felt its effects.”
-Canadian writer W.O. Mitchell in his book Who Has Seen The Wind?
God is love and he that abideth in love abideth in God and God in him.
– I John 4:8
“There is no God.”
-Stephen Hawking
The fool has said in his heart, There is no God.
– Psalm 14:1
General to Egypt’s King Ptolemy I:
I regret to say your Majesty that the great mathematician Euclid has died of insanity.
Ptolemy I: And what brought about this insanity?
General: He was trying to find a mathematical equation to explain love.
-From an ancient Egyptian manuscript discovered by the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set’s personal Egyptologist Dr. Edgar Lovecraft Ashbury
Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster had a vision in his lobster tank at London’s Set Enterprises on how a future scene would be written in a great science-fiction novel:
Paul looked at Lasetter, “You look like you’ve seen a ghost?”.
Lasetter indeed looked pale (he really should spend more time out in the sunlight), “I wish I had.”
From the expression on Lasetter’s face, Paul figured that now would not be the time to tell him that the IRS had dropped by half an hour ago to tell him that he Lasseter was now the subject of a tax audit.
“What’s wrong?” Paul asked.
“It’s Akira,” Lasetter answered, “She’s gone totally off the rails. She’s up and done something that I have no explanation for.”
“What’s she done?” Paul asked with trepidation feeling the butterflies in his stomach and wondering what bizarre meteorological phenomenon was taking place on the other side of the world as a result of all this.
“She’s fallen in love,” Lasseter peed his pants.
“She’s what?” Paul handed him a towel and started to look around for the nearest washroom himself.
“Fallen in love?” Paul gasped, “How the Hell did that happen?”.
“How the Hell should I know?” Lasetter retorted, “An AI sex robot actually falling in love? I’m afraid no matter how hard I’ve tried to formulate one, there are no algorithms to explain the origin of the phenomenon of love.”
“You mean to say there’s actually something you don’t know?” Paul was genuinely shocked.
“Apparently,” Lasetter took a nice long hard sip on his phallus shaped whiskey flask.
-A scene from The Great Unknown Science-Fiction Novel written by the great unknown science-fiction writer George Finneganberg.
-A personal essay, commentary and vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday October 23rd 2018
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