Phoebe Attends Anglican Ordination of Egyptian God Horus
Phoebe dressed to attend the priestly ordination of the Egyptian god Horus to the Church of England priesthood at the hands of Archbishop of Canterbury Justin Welby
Phoebe was dressed to attend a priestly ordination service for the Egyptian god God Horus at The Blessed James A. Pike Church By The Spook Well.
For millennia the Egyptian god Horus had been a disembodied spirit after he had been beheaded by King Arthur back in the 6th Century AD.
He had occasionally possessed the bodies of various humans throughout the centuries and most recently had possessed the body of an AI robotic falcon.
Set Enterprises’ Associate Scientist Dr. Marmalade Montague had been experimenting with an electromagnetic pulse that would shoot forth from an Energizer Bunny 🐰 Jack In The Box.
The experiment resulted in the destruction of both Jack In The Box and AI robotic falcon.
Horus went off in search of a new body.
He found one in the body of a drag queen and librarian who was studying for the U.S. Episcopalian priesthood at an Episcopal seminary in California.
The drag queen seminarian had been fooling around with a Ouija board that had Egyptian hieroglyphs on it.
He invited Horus in so he could have the 2s (two spirit) portion of the LGBTQ2s+ equation.
The seminarian upon graduation was invited to be ordained a priest by Archbishop of Canterbury Justin Welby over in England.
The drag queen whose 2 spirited name was Horus Falconalia flew over to England for the ordination.
Last night Phoebe had dispatched Horus’ father Osiris to the Underworld again.
The point of departure was the emergency ward at Charing Cross Hospital in London.
Tonight Phoebe would be presenting Horus (as Horus Falconalia) with a poisoned copy of the book Very Fairy Fairy Tales To Read To Children.
Horus Falconalia dropped dead while leafing through the poisoned pages of the book at the post-ordination wine 🍷 and cheese 🧀 party in the church hall of Blessed James A. Pike Church By The Spook Well.
Phoebe then left for a nightclub where the voice of Gordon Lightfoot on the club’s sound system could be heard singing, “Just like an old time movie about a ghost from a wishing well…”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday May 23rd
2023.
Phoebe At The Jane Austen Society Ball
Phoebe attending a Jane Austen Society Ball in London
Phoebe worked as a cryptographer and code breaker for the Set Enterprises Intelligence Unit.
She did so because her father (who had been a Classics professor at Oxford) had been murdered on the orders of her 33rd Degree Freemasonic grandfather.
Her grandfather was actually younger than her father had been (a long story don’t ask).
So since the Ancient and Accepted Scottish Rite of Freemasonry worshipped Osiris and his son Horus (among other deities), she went to work for the company owned by the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set (who was the brother of Osiris and the uncle of Horus).
Tonight of course she was off work and currently attending a Jane Austen Society Ball in London.
The past week she had been working on a very strange coded signal that was being picked up by various Set Enterprises listening receivers throughout the world.
As of yet, she was still unable to trace the signal or even crack the code.
But tonight, she was worried about none of these things.
Tonight she danced.
The orchestra was taking a break and Phoebe walked out on to the veranda balcony.
She checked her iPhone and noticed someone she followed on Instagram had just posted.
The Instagram influencer was a very intelligent and what appeared to be a very intellectually inclined bearded dragon named Murph.
Of course the videos and photos were posted by Murph’s owner.
Tonight on the Instagram post were various photos of Murph looking through a telescope at the night sky.
Then Murph’s owner posted a video of what Murph had been looking at through the night sky.
An object in outer space beaming a light signal.
Phoebe recognized the frequencies.
They were the same strange code she had been trying to crack all week.
The code was coming from outer space.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday May 21st
2023.
Jane Austen Encounters Dracul Van Helsing Again
Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing talks to noted British author Jane Austen in an English country garden as the pair sit on a bench outside an English country cottage
Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing was taking a walk along a country path in that part of England associated with noted Regency era author Jane Austen.
The sky suddenly shifted from an extremely bright sunny one to a more cloudy but nevertheless pleasant looking evening anticipating the coming of a gentle rain.
Almost as if Dracul Van Helsing had encountered a vortex in time and had gone either forward or backward in time.
Suddenly Dracul Van Helsing recognized author Jane Austen wearing a pale lilac coloured nightgown and sitting on a bench in an English country garden outside an English country cottage.
Van Helsing had recently travelled back in time and had encountered a 28-year-old Jane Austen back in the spring of 1804.
“Hello, Mr. Van Helsing,” Jane smiled.
“Good evening, Miss Austen,” Dracul answered back.
The vampire hunter deduced that he must have again travelled back to the spring of 1804 when Jane Austen would have been 28.
Van Helsing sat down next to Jane Austen and the pair once again discussed art, literature, philosophy and life.
Jane asked Dracul about his strange looking modern attire.
“The period in which I come from has even stranger looking attire,” Van Helsing explained, “I live in an age where men think they’re women and women think they’re men.”
“My God,” Jane gasped.
“The age in which I live has the consciousness of the Void,” Dracul explained, “The inmates have taken over the asylum in my time and sanity and truth are regarded as crimes against the state and crimes against humanity.”
“Is there nothing good about your time?” Jane asked.
“Only when they make movies or TV series based on your books whether finished or unfinished,” Dracul replied.
Sanditon: A British TV series based on an unfinished novel by Jane Austen and the only good thing about the entire decade of the 2020s so far in Dracul Van Helsing’s opinion
“Nothing else good about the decade in which you’re currently living?” Jane inquired.
“Well, a friend of mine has developed computer software to help people with dyslexia,” Van Helsing answered.
Jane Austen had never heard of dyslexia.
Van Helsing explained that in the year 1877 the reading and spelling difficulties characteristic of dyslexia were first identified by Adolph Kussmaul a German professor of medicine.
His friend with dyslexia Timothy Wood was considered mentally disabled as a child and they wouldn’t let him enter the school system.
His grandmother however taught him to read using the King James Bible, The Complete Works of William Shakespeare and the novels of Sir Walter Scott.
Timothy Wood had once written a Jane Austen style Regency novel called The Sterley’s of Oakland Park which is available at
https://www.lulu.com/shop/timothy-wood/the-sterleys-of-oakland-park/paperback/product-1wg887g.html
“My favourite line from the book,” Dracul recalled, “was about a woman whose cooking was so bad that it was said of her that if she had been a cook in Britain’s Royal Navy, she’d have been the most formidable weapon in Napoleon’s arsenal.”
“Sounds like a line I could have written,” Jane Austen laughed.
“It does,” Dracul agreed.
The dyslexia software that Timothy Wood developed is available at
http://www.pollyspeaks4u.co.za/
Back in the year 2023, the former DARPA operative code named Hyperion Sturm has been brought back to DARPA to help out with a project he had developed.
The project was called Jefferey the Otter.
Jefferey was an actual otter that Hyperion Sturm had taught how to read and write.
Jefferey was used to read and translate (for he had been taught a dozen different languages) intelligence agency documents from all over the world.
Jefferey had two problems however.
He was dyslexic.
And he was an alcoholic.
Now thanks to Timothy Wood’s computer software for dyslexics (which is available at
http://www.pollyspeaks4u.co.za/ ) , Jefferey the Otter no longer has problems reading.
As for his alcoholism, well the otter had better join Alcoholics Anonymous.
Hyperion Sturm was brought to DARPA Headquarters for Jefferey the Otter had vanished.
Hyperion later found him in a strip bar drinking Green Minnow Beer alongside the great Irish-Jewish American science-fiction writer George Finneganburg who was drinking Ernest Hemingway’s own invented cocktail called Death In The Afternoon (which was a mix of Champagne and absinthe).
“I prefer these to Dr. Anthony Fauci’s vaccine booster shots if I have to go,” Finneganburg explained.
To be continued.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday May 11th
2023.
Charlotte Rose
Charlotte Rose arrives back in Britain aboard The Carpathia after visiting an aunt in Canada
The year was 1905 and Charlotte Rose Heywood-Williams was returning to Britain after visiting an aunt who lived in Nova Scotia.
What Charlotte Rose was unaware of as she picked up her luggage 🧳 on the deck of The Carpathia was that one of her male cousins had hidden a map 🗺️ with the exact location of the famous Oak Island treasure in her suitcase.
Of course Charlotte Rose was unaware of the map.
She just thought it a musty old document and put it in one of the drawers of her bedroom.
Being an only child, she eventually inherited the house from her parents.
She never married and served as a nurse with the British Army during the Great War (later known as World War I or the First World War after Adolf Hitler’s Germany and Hideki Tojo’s Japan started World War II).
The camp she was in came under German bombardment in July 1917 and she was killed along with several others of her medical unit as well as patients.
Her cousin (who had put the map in her suitcase 🧳) had died in 1906 and thus had never shown up to claim the map that he had hid.
Her cousin Edward Sorwind was a bit of a rake (to put it mildly).
In addition to having stolen the Oak Island treasure map 🗺️ from the town teacher, he was also a notorious person with the ladies.
Since some in the town suspected he had stolen the schoolteacher’s map for the Oak Island treasure, he hid the map in his cousin Charlotte Rose’s luggage when she was to return to England 🏴.
Edward thought that he would someday go to England and retrieve the map on his own.
However when he slept with a married woman in town and her husband had discovered them in bed together and after her husband shot Edward several times through the chest with his hunting rifle, Sorwind was in no condition for the long voyage to England (being dead, buried and currently roasting away in Tartarus and all that).
After Charlotte Rose Heywood-Williams died as a casualty in the First World War, a lightning strike struck her house a few months later causing the roof to catch fire 🔥 and the house was burnt to the ground, forever destroying the 🗺️ map to the exact location of the Oak Island treasure.
The fact that Charlotte Rose had the Oak Island treasure map 🗺️ in her possession had forever been lost to history.
Until King Charles III decided to invite a spiritist medium to the palace to contact the spirit of his late mother Queen Elizabeth II in total violation of Deuteronomy Chapter 18 verses 10 to 14 and its warnings and precepts.
Charles was wanting to talk to “Mummy” for some advice.
Paddington Bear advised him against it.
His wife Queen Consort Camilla advised against it.
Gavin Ashenden a former Chaplain to his mother who later became a bishop and then joined the Catholic Church Ordinariate of Our Lady of Walsingham advised against it.
However Archbishop Justin Welby (who had as his spirit advisor the ghost of the late U.S. Episcopalian Bishop James Albert Pike who had somehow miraculously managed to get a dispensation to leave the Underworld by permission of Hades and Persephone) told Charles III to go full speed ahead with the seance.
Instead of his mother showing up, it was the ghost of the notorious and now long forgotten Nova Scotia rake Edward Sorwind.
Sorwind told Charles of the long lost Oak Island treasure map 🗺️ and how he had hidden it in his cousin Miss Charlotte Rose Heywood-Williams’ suitcase before she boarded The Carpathia for England 🏴 in 1905.
An immediately Royal ordered Special Branch investigation of the matter discovered that Charlotte Rose had been killed in July 1917 and her house destroyed by fire a few months later.
So Charles sighed and Paddington Bear told him, “Nothing good can come of this, Your Majesty.”
Indeed not for the palace had been bugged by sinister forces loyal to the Nazi SS Ahnenerbe Occult Bureau vampire Franz Kohler.
Kohler used a contact at the CERN Large Hadron Collider in Switzerland to time travel on occasion when the proper cosmic energies of the Universe were correctly in place in an effort for the Nazi SS Ahnenerbe vampire to alter the course of history.
Time and again however Kohler had been foiled by Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing who used the Tesla-Houdini-Pantages-Welles-Lamarr magic lantern projector to time travel.
Van Helsing was usually accompanied in his time travels by the ghost of Orson Welles.
Welles had been one of those who helped invent the time travel device.
The device had originally been worked on as a joint collaboration between Serbian-American scientist Nikola Tesla and the Hungarian-American magician Harry Houdini beginning in 1923 (100 years ago this year).
It was initially financed by the Greek American vaudeville impresario and early motion picture producer and cinema and theatre chain owner Alexander Pantages.
The project was put on hold after Houdini’s death in 1926.
Orson Welles began putting his finishing touches on the would-be time travelling magic lantern projector in 1938.
Finally in 1941 the great Austrian-American actress and inventor Hedy Lamarr (the woman responsible for inventing the wireless radio technology for the U.S. Navy that became the basis of WiFi and Bluetooth) finished the device and then hid it for fear it would fall into Nazi hands.
When the ghosts of Orson Welles and Sir Winston Churchill were granted dispensational releases from the Underworld by Hades and Persephone in the spring of 2017 so they could serve as spirit advisors to newly elected British MP Renfield R. Renfield, Welles’ ghost led Dracul Van Helsing to find the old projector in an old Hollywood movie theatre where it had been placed in the film projectionist’s room back in 1947.
Anyways Franz Kohler decided to go back in time and steal the Oak Island treasure map 🗺️ as Charlotte Rose Heywood-Williams arrived in England aboard The Carpathia in 1905.
As Franz Kohler stood at the dock, to his surprise he found himself being staked through the heart and then beheaded by Dracul Van Helsing.
Van Helsing walked on.
Welles’ ghost hoped that Kohler would remain dead this time.
The Norse trickster god Loki usually managed to find a way to bring back Kohler from the dead thus sending the evil Kohler on more nefarious missions.
Van Helsing walked aboard the deck of The Carpathia where he saw Miss Charlotte Rose.
Van Helsing approached wearing the uniform of a British Customs officer of the Edwardian Era.
“May I please inspect your luggage, Miss?” Van Helsing asked.
The vampire hunter was very gentle in inspecting the contents of the suitcases 🧳 although he did pocket the Oak Island treasure map 🗺️ that had been put there by Charlotte Rose’s cousin Edward Sorwind.
Van Helsing did not tell the young Miss Charlotte Rose what would happen to her.
As the great American country music singer Garth Brooks once sang in his song The Dance,
“… I’m glad I didn’t know
The way it all would end
The way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I’d have had to miss the dance… 💃 🕺 “
of life.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday March 21st
2023.
Maria Orsic and The Green Comet
Maria Orsic ₱laying 1940s film star Veronica Lake in a stage ₱lay in ₱aris
“Well,” Van Helsing greeted her, “I see reading the on-line reviews that have just been ₱osted, this ₱lay didn’t lay any eggs at the Faberge Theatre.”
The Odin Gungnir Rocket: From Wernher von Braun To Kim Jong-un
Yale University librarian Krista Shearer locates a rare book of sonnets written by little known Irish ₱oet Sean McHendry as FBI S₱ecial Agent Cameron Brown looks on.
₱an Goatee Beheads Thin Ugly Stoat, Cerberus Continues His ₱ursuit of Tartarus Esca₱ee and ₱achamama To Be Declared Catholic Co-Mediatrix and Co-Redem₱trix
₱an Goatee Beheads Thin Ugly Stoat While Cerberus ₱ursues A Tartarus Esca₱ee and Artemis Observes I₱higenia Style Human Sacrifice In Bohemian Grove
The Greek goddess Artemis disguised as a blonde watching an I₱higenia style human sacrifice being ₱erformed in the Bohemian Grove
Artemis disguised as a blonde watches the sacrifice being ₱erformed to her in the Bohemian Grove
Dr. Nachash Naga’s Nightmare
NASA administrator Dr. Nachash Naga hit the roof when the launch of Artemis 1 was scrapped yet again.
As his secretary Deborah called for someone to repair the roof, Dr. Nachash Naga threw his model of the Artemis 1 rocket across the room breaking it into a million piecea.
“What went wrong?” Dr. Nachash Naga demanded to know.
Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster adjusted his lobster antennae in his lobster tank at Set Enterprises in London, England in order to pick up the best imagery and audio of what he was seeing.
Michelangelo still wasn’t sure whether this was a vision or a dream.
“Well,” Nimrod the little green frog who was now serving as a special advisor to NASA (having built the Tower of Babel in man’s first attempt to reach the heavens before he wound up in a UFO crash and was later turned into a little green frog by Lilith the ancient Babylonian vampiress) spoke, “We thought we had a deal with the Greek goddess Artemis after Joe sacrificed one of his unknown daughters to her in Philadelphia before he gave his Nazi Fascist Fuhrer speech in Philadelphia that same night.”
“So what happened to that deal?” Dr. Nachash Naga sucked the life out of an apple.
“Well last night,” Nimrod explained, “someone posted a video on YouTube of senile old Joe shooting and killing a second deer sacred to Artemis last fall. Artemis saw the video and posted a comment, “I am so absolutely furious right now. The winds that stopped King Agamemnon’s fleet from sailing towards Troy are even now sucking the hydrogen out of the Atlas 1 moon rocket as we speak.” And sure enough today’s launch was postponed as a result of a hydrogen leak.”
“Bugger,” Dr. Nachash Naga swore.
“I’m sorry, I don’t do that anymore,” the ghost of Oscar Wilde said as he appeared, “I don’t know what joker in the realm of Hades sent me here as soon as you spoke that noun. I had to spend several years in Purgatory as a result of doing that in my own lifetime. As the people who are joyfully participating in tomorrow’s Sodomite Pride Parade in Calgary will discover when they cast off this earthly coil. They’ll be spending a lot of time in Purgatory. That is if they aren’t sent directly to Tartarus.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday September 3rd
2022.
Joe Biden Asked To Perform An Agamemnon
The Greek goddess Artemis being serenaded by musicians who were brought to life from a mural painting
“Who is Aeschylus?” Vice-President Kamala Harris asked one of her aides.
“He was an ancient Greek playwright who lived from approximately 525 BC to 456 BC and is believed to have written anywhere from 70 to 90 plays,” her aide answered, “He is considered the Father of Tragedy. In fact his ghost is believed to have written the recent Inflation Reduction Act. In fact on the night of April 4th 1968, Bobby Kennedy quoted from Aeschylus while addressing Afro-American voters in Indianapolis, Indiana when he had to break the tragic news to them that the Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King had been assassinated. The Aeschylus quote was this:
“Even in our sleep, pain which cannot forget falls drop by drop upon the heart until, in our own despair, against our will, comes wisdom through the awful grace of God.”
-Aeschylus
“What were some of his plays?” Kamala asked.
“Well he once wrote a trilogy of plays about the family of King Agamemnon of Mycenae the fellow who commanded the Greeks during the Trojan War,” her aide replied, “The trilogy was called The Oresteia named after Orestes who was a son of King Agamemnon.”
“Rather ironic you should be talking about The Oresteia,” remarked a leading high-ranking NASA official as he walked by on his way to the Oval Office to see Joe Biden.
“Ironic? How so?” Kamala inquired.
“That’s on a need to know basis and you don’t need to know,” the NASA official replied.
The FBI agent accompanying the NASA official was a Neo-Bolshevik Communist (like most FBI agents are these days) and did not understand the classical allusions that were being thrown around.
This entire scene was part of a dream (or was it a vision?) being seen by Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster in his lobster tank at Set Enterprises Laboratories in London, England.
The name of the high-ranking NASA official was Dr. Nachash Naga.
He was on an important mission for NASA.
The Artemis 1 moon rocket was supposed to have been launched this past Monday August 29th 2022 but then something happened and the launch was postponed until this Saturday September 3rd 2022.
But even that might be postponed further because of new information that had come up.
Unless…
“Mr. President,” Dr. Nachash Naga addressed the Pooper-In-Chief, “We need you to do something for us.”
“Glad to oblige,” Biden ate a piece of Ex-Lax.
“Mr. President, we have a problem and it isn’t Houston,” Dr. Nachash Naga explained, “Do you remember last fall when you went deer hunting?”.
“Um, I don’t actually,” answered the Pooper-In-Chief who suffered from dementia.
“Well, you shot and killed a deer,” Dr. Nachash Naga pointed out.
“Good for me,” Joe Biden grinned.
“Well that turned out to be a bad thing, Mr. President,” Dr. Nachash Naga hissed, “It turned out that the deer you shot and killed was a deer sacred to the Greek goddess Artemis.”
“Who is Artemis?” Joe Biden looked at a photo of the Belvedere Apollo and wondered if he should invite the sculpted statue to join his cabinet.
“Artemis was the Greek goddess of the hunt and wild animals as well as the Greek goddess of the moon,” Dr. Nachash Naga flashed his incisors, “and as a result of your killing that deer sacred to her, she is preventing the Artemis 1 rocket from being launched.”
“So, what can I do about it?” Joe Biden scratched his diaper rash.
“Well when King Agamemnon of Mycenae slew and killed a deer sacred to Artemis and the goddess prevented the Greek fleet from sailing towards Troy as punishment, Agamemnon was forced to sacrifice his daughter Iphigenia to Artemis to appease her wrath.”
“So what do you want me to do?” Biden put on Kamala Harris’ high school Dunce cap.
“We want you to sacrifice your daughter to Artemis in the next couple of days to appease her wrath so we can get the Artemis 1 moon rocket launched this coming Saturday,” Dr. Nachash Naga began filing his fingernails.
“Can I sniff her hair before I sacrifice her?” Joe Biden asked.
“Of course, Mr. President,” Dr. Nachash Naga looked exasperated.
“Wait,” Joe Biden suddenly had a moment of clarity after taking a Claritin tablet, “Jill might be rather pissed at me if I sacrifice Ashley.”
“Joe, I have a suggestion,” Barack Obama delivered his instructions into Joe’s earpiece as he always did, “Did you ever have any extra marital affairs?”.
“I can’t remember,” Joe was trying to remember the tune of the Bob Hope song Thanks For The Memory.
“Well ask some of your FBI agents to stop sifting through Donald Trump’s underwear and try to track down any extra marital affairs you might have had and any children you might have had particularly girls,” Obama explained, “Then you can sacrifice that daughter from an extra marital affair.”
“Gee, I wonder if any are still alive,” Biden picked his nose, “This is one occasion when I wish I hadn’t been so gung ho for abortion.”
“Just send out the FBI, Joe,” Obama barked, “Find any surviving daughters from those extra marital affairs and just do the damned sacrifice. We’ve got to get to the moon before Vladimir Putin and Jackie Gleason’s wife Alice do.”
Meanwhile in Hunter Biden’s room, he was being visited by the ghost of a beautiful young Greek girl named Electra.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday August 31st
2022.
Dracul Van Helsing 
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