Radio Contact: Close Encounters of The Vintage Kind
Radio Contact: Close Encounters of The Vintage Kind
It is the first known asteroid to visit our solar system from interstellar space.
Scientists who have studied its speed and trajectory believe it originated in a planetary system around another star.
The object has a strange elongated shape making it look like a cigar.
Reminding one of that little known story from Classical Greek mythology where the Greek god Zeus sailing in his chariot across the heavens asked in Bill Clintonesque fashion, “Did anyone see where I put my cigar?”.
The object is travelling extremely fast with enough speed to avoid being captured by our Sun’s gravitational pull and is on a very eccentric trajectory eventually taking it out of our solar system.
The object is at least 400 metres long.
And it is 10 times longer than it is wide.
That ratio makes it more extreme than any asteroid or comet observed in our solar system.
The object rotates rapidly and is subject to dramatic changes in brightness.
Although believed to have formed around another star, scientists think it has been wandering across the Milky Way unattached to any star system for hundreds of millions of years before its chance encounter with our solar system.
The object has been given the name Oumuamua which means “a messenger from afar arriving first” in the native Hawaiian language.
The name reflects the object being discovered by a Hawaii-based astronomer at an observatory in Maui.
It was discovered on October 19th this year by Rob Weryk a postdoctoral researcher at the University of Hawaii Institute For Astronomy.
The discovery was made at the Pan-Starrs1 Observatory on Maui’s Haleakala volcano.
On the off chance that this first known interstellar asteroid in our solar system might have alien 👽 technology on it, an initiative backed by Russian billionaire entrepreneur venture capitalist and physicist Yuri Milner will use a radio telescope to listen for signals from it.
The team’s efforts will begin tomorrow with astronomers observing the asteroid across four different radio frequency bands.
. . .
80-year-old Saskatchewan farmer Jonas Watson was in excellent physical health.
He still owned and ran his large farmstead in central Saskatchewan.
An excellent mechanic, he still repaired his own farm machinery.
A lot of it was more than 40 or 50 years old but was still in excellent shape due to Watson’s caring hand.
Watson also repaired old clocks and watches as well as old TVs.
Sadly the only object that Jonas was unable to repair was the old classic vintage 1934 antique St. Regis Gothic Cathedral Radio that was made by ExceptionalRadios.
The radio had belonged to his father who had bought it in the year that it was made.
Try as he might, even Jonas, with all his skill and technical know how, was unable to get it working again.
Still the old radio was lovingly kept on a mantelpiece above the old fireplace in the farmhouse living room for all to see.
Jonas had not touched or worked on the radio in months.
Yet tonight on this evening of December 12th 2017 (the first evening of Hanukkah 2017) the radio suddenly came to life and turned on by itself as Jonas rocked in his rocking chair.
Jonas could hear a crackle coming from the radio speaker and then a rather peculiar electronic sounding voice saying, “We have arrived. Attention. We have arrived. And we are the first among many.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday December 12th
2017.
Nikola Tesla, Tantric Sex and The Eiffel Tower
Nikola Tesla, Tantric Sex and The Eiffel Tower
The stranger stood at the window of the Paris apartment he had rented for his birthday.
He lit a cigarette and gazed at the Eiffel Tower in the distance.
He then turned and looked at the beautiful woman who sat on his bed.
She looked exactly like the woman in one of his favourite contemporary music videos.
She was even wearing the same red halter top and sexy red skirt that the woman was wearing in the video.
He had run into her in a Paris martini 🍸 bar earlier this evening and was glad that “of all the martini bars in Paris he could have walked into, he walked into that one” to paraphrase a comment made by Humphrey Bogart in the movie Casablanca.
“Are you coming to bed?” She purred at him.
“I am,” the stranger put a Tesla coil and radio receiver on the window sill, “and with you with me, I’ll probably be coming in bed as well.”
He adjusted the wireless frequency on his Apple Watch ⌚️ and then walked over to the bed and started passionately kissing the woman in the red skirt.
She fell backwards on to the bed and raised her skirt.
The stranger noticed that she wasn’t wearing any panties.
He smiled.
He was glad to be with a woman who followed that Girl Guide motto Be Prepared.
As he mounted her, a wireless transmission hit the receiver at the top of the Eiffel Tower.
The wireless transmission had actually been sent 114 years earlier back on July 14th 1903 by Nicola Tesla at his Wardenclyffe Tower in Shoreham, Long Island, New York.
The Eiffel Tower then relayed the transmission to the Tesla coil and radio receiver on the window sill of the birthday celebrating stranger’s rented apartment.
The Tesla coil and radio receiver then sent the transmission to the stranger’s Apple Watch as a receiver.
The transmission then sent a major electrical discharge through the man’s body and the body of the woman in the red skirt causing both to have a major earth shaking climax and orgasm simultaneously.
“Holy Christ,” the woman shouted.
“Well, I’ve always thought of myself as the world’s greatest sinner but thanks for the compliment,” the man fell backwards on to his pillow and lit a cigarette.
As a result of this birthday night orgy of Teslian physics and tantric sex, the world was about to change forever.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday November 28th
2017.
Apollo 11 Lands On The Moon
On July 20th, 1969 at 20:18 UTC, the Apollo 11 lunar landing module The Eagle landed on the moon. Later, mission commander Neil Armstrong and pilot Buzz Aldrin walked on the moon.
“Say, Neil,” Buzz called out, “Do you see what I see over there?”.
Armstrong looked in the direction that Aldrin pointed.
“It looks like an ancient Nile River barge,” Armstrong replied.
“Exactly,” said Aldrin.
No sooner had Aldrin spoken that word, then the vessel vanished.
The conversation was never included in any of the transcripts of the dialogue carried on between Apollo 11 astronauts on the moon.
And for those who believe that man never landed on the moon (that the footage was all faked), the conversation never happened at all.
And as far as a certain ancient entity was concerned, the more people who believed that, the better.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday July 20th
2017.
Dr. Cadbury Rocher and His Incredible Self-Driving Car
Dr. Cadbury Rocher who was Set Enterprises’ chief resident scientist had just invented a self-driving motor vehicle- one he told his boss the London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set was far more advanced and better than anything currently being tested or in production.
In fact as the ever enthusiastic Dr. Rocher pointed out to his boss Set (who was busy reading his copy of Anne Rice’s Ramses The Damned: The Passion of Cleopatra at the time and didn’t enjoy being interrupted), the new Rocher Le Pied de Hermes should probably go down in history as the greatest self-driving car ever invented.
Set wasn’t sure whether he wanted to personally finance the mass production, distribution and marketing of this new product the Rocher Le Pied de Hermes.
After all while some of Dr. Rocher’s ideas were brilliant, others were total disasters (such as his most recent attempt to genetically re-create the winged horse Pegasus of Greek mythology).
Dr. Rocher was insistent that his new product could easily hit the market this fall- the design and quality and ease with which it could be “mass manufactured” (Cadbury’s words as he ate a Cadbury Caramilk bar) were so “positively brilliant” (Rocher’s words as he ate a Ferrero Rocher).
Set agreed to a test of the new self-driving vehicle.
He’d bring along an important City of London investor Donald Mahatma Ahmad Campbell Singh Khan (whose personal results from a DNA test he took through Ancestry.com’s DNA testing kit had astounded the entire world).
He would see if he could get the Campbell Singh Khan Investors’ Group to put up all the money for the mass production, distribution and marketing of the new self-driving Rocher Le Pied De Hermes.
Set would hold a 51% share of the new car company since it was his scientist who designed the car.
Campbell Singh Khan agreed to view the new vehicle in a road test before deciding to put up the risk money for the entire venture.
The day of the test came.
Dr. Cadbury Rocher wore racing goggles for the test (even though he wouldn’t be driving as the car would drive itself), Set was still busy reading his copy of the Rices’ new book Ramses The Damned: The Passion of Cleopatra, Campbell Singh Khan was busy eating a plate of Scottish haggis, chicken curry and fafa beans falafel, Renfield R. Renfield was busy eating tuna fish sandwiches, Amadeus Emanon appeared to be eating everything but the kitchen sink and Athelstan the personal butler and valet to Set was standing there holding a tea pot.
When the test was over, Dr. Cadbury Rocher, Set, Renfield, Amadeus and Athelstan had retired to a nearby pub in total shock.
Silence reigned at the pub table.
Finally Renfield broke the silence.
“Well,” Renfield spoke feeling somewhat sorry for himself, “I suppose the responsibility will fall on my shoulders to inform his widow Mrs. Campbell Singh Khan of the tragic circumstances of his death.”
“You can tell her he died for the advancement of science,” Dr. Rocher suggested.
“True,” Renfield nodded, “he will have had the honour of being the first person in recorded history to have been killed in a hit and run accident involving a self-driving motor vehicle.”
“Make sure you get her to sign a waiver saying she won’t sue Set Enterprises for gross negligence,” Set directed as he stared at his vampiric reflection in his glass of beer.
“I wonder how much food they’ll serve at the luncheon following his funeral,” Amadeus mused aloud.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday April 4th
2017.
A Humourous Rhyming Haiku For Albert Einstein’s Birthday
E = mc2
Einstein equals wild wild hair
Relative comb spared
The Puppy Monkey Baby: Licensed To Thrill Or To Kill?
The Puppy Monkey Baby: Licensed To Thrill Or To Kill?
Russian Assistant Deputy Foreign Minister Nikolai Sonavitch was in London, England for a secret conference to see if the conflicts in Ukraine and Syria could be solved simultaneously.
The meeting was very hush hush and top secret.
Not even Barack Obama or even Alex Jones knew about it.
The chairman for the meeting would be a British parliamentarian named Magog Rhys Petley.
Nikolai was in his hotel room at the Saint James Hotel and had not been called to the meeting yet because apparently Petley was busy scouring the streets of London trying to find a carton of buttermilk.
Meanwhile reports on the radio said that a werewolf was seen walking the streets of London.
Nikolai turned off the radio and put on the television.
The TV was showing the Mountain Dew Kickstart commercial with Puppy Monkey Baby:
“How did the capitalist warmongers at Mountain Dew find out about Dr. Nicht Werhoffen’s secret Puppy Monkey Baby creation in his top secret Moscow lab?” The lifelong Bolshevik Sonavitch wanted to know.
Dr. Nicht Werhoffen was the Russian FSB’s leading mad scientist.
Dr. Werhoffen was formerly a mad scientist for the Stasi (the East German Secret Police) but had to seek employment elsewhere when the Berlin Wall came down.
The commercial it turned out (as Nikolai Sonavitch started to feel thirsty) was part of a documentary the BBC was doing on the Puppy Monkey Baby phenomenon.
As Sonavitch phoned down to the front desk and asked them to send up 3 cans of Mountain Dew Kickstart, the BBC was interviewing Set Enterprises’ chief corporate mad scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher.
Said Rocher, “The Puppy Monkey Baby is so yesterday. I created one back in 2001. Unfortunately it was applying for a job on the upper floors of one of the World Trade Center towers the morning of September 11th 2001. Set Enterprises’ corporate lawyers still aren’t sure whether to sue the Estate of Osama Bin Laden, the trio of George W. Bush, Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld or the Illuminati over that loss.”
Shit, the British beat us in creating a Puppy Monkey Baby, Sonavitch thought to himself as the hotel porter brought in the 3 cans of Mountain Dew Kickstart.
Sonavitch opened the first can and started drinking.
That old movie from 1942 The Cat People with Simone Simon was on one of the other channels so he started watching.
He was soon on his 3rd can of Mountain Dew Kickstart.
On the screen, the old Black and White movie suddenly turned into a coloured film and a beautiful leather skirted Asian dominatrix woman who called herself Sherrielock Holmes was standing there in the midst of a bunch of fiery red coloured cats.
“That’s funny, I don’t remember this scene,” Nikolai Sonavitch commented.
The hotel room door suddenly opened and a Puppy Monkey Baby entered the room.
“Puppy Monkey Baby,” the Puppy Monkey Baby kept repeating over and over.
The Puppy Monkey Baby jumped up on the coffee table in front of Sonavitch and did a little dance.
He then jumped on to Sonavitch’s lap and proceeded to lick him on the face all the while saying Puppy Monkey Baby.
He then kissed Sonavitch on the lips and then pulled a carving knife out of his diaper and slashed the assistant deputy foreign minister of Russia to death.
The Puppy Monkey Baby then shapeshifted into his natural form of satyr serial killer and hired contract assassin Pan Goatee.
Said Goatee, “That was fun. I always thought it would be cool to play the part of Judas Iscariot but be quick about it.”
He picked up the remaining can of Mountain Dew Kickstart and finished it saying, “There’s no need to let this new Holy Trinity or 3-in-1 to go to waste.”
He downed the Kickstart, belched and put the can back on the table.
“I’ll let the cleaning staff pocket the return deposit money for this,” Pan Goatee couldn’t help but grin at his own personal generosity.
He turned back into a Puppy Monkey Baby again, “My audience- the hotel security cameras- awaits.”
He went out the door and into the hall saying over and over again, “Puppy Monkey Baby… Puppy Monkey Baby… Puppy Monkey Baby… ”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday March 18th
2016.
Haiku About Planet 9
Haiku About Planet 9
Dark unseen planet
NASA scoffs at Nibiru
yet truth is out there
A Night At The Observatory
A Night At The Observatory
At the Palomar Astronomical Observatory in Southern California, astronomer Dr. Balthasar Tannenbaum was looking through one of the telescopes.
He suddenly stopped in his tracks when he noticed something unusual flying through the heavens.
The object looked like images one saw of UFOs.
Yet the object was as clear as day (or at least as clear as this night was) .
There also seemed to be lights flashing on the UFO.
Dr. Balthasar Tannenbaum, who had a background in U.S. Naval Intelligence, recognized the pattern in the flashing of the lights as a type of Morse code.
He quickly grabbed a pencil and paper and jotted down the message sent to him by the UFO in deep space.
When he had finished, the message read, ADONAI Was Not Who He Claimed To Be.
Adonai?
Dr. Balthasar Tannenbaum bit the eraser at the end of his pencil.
Wasn’t that one of the Hebrew names for God? he asked himself.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday October 4th
2015.
Renfield’s Take On Liquid Water Being Found On Mars
Renfield’s Take On Liquid Water Being Found On Mars
“Now that NASA has found signs of flowing water on Mars, their next most important step should be to find signs of flowing beer on Mars.”
-Renfield R. Renfield
Haiku About Stephen Hawking R.I.P.
March 13, 2018 at 10:42 pm (Biographical, Commentary, History, News, Obituaries, Poetry, Science) (Cosmos, end of an era, haiku, poem, Stephen Hawking)
Haiku About Stephen Hawking R.I.P.
Body was prison
But mind so great it was free
to explore cosmos
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