Haiku About Scottish Singer Susan Boyle’s 2009 Appearance On Britain’s Got Talent

July 18, 2015 at 7:32 pm (Entertainment, Music, Musicals, Poetry, Songs, Television, TV Shows) (, , , , , , , , )

Haiku About Scottish Singer Susan Boyle’s 2009 Appearance On Britain’s Got Talent

She did dream a dream
wowing stern Simon Cowell
dreams sometimes come true

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Song About Mrs. Raymond Red Reddington of The Blacklist

September 25, 2014 at 11:32 pm (Entertainment, Music, Poetry, Quotations and Sayings of Dracul Van Helsing, Songs, Television, TV Shows) (, , , , , , , , , , )

Song About Mrs. Raymond Red Reddington of The Blacklist

On the exciting action-packed opening episode of the second season of The Blacklist that premiered earlier this week, it turned out that Mrs. Raymond Red Reddington is still alive.

To celebrate this occasion, I have written a song about Mrs. Reddington and her husband Raymond- you can call him Ray or you can call him Red.

Mrs. Reddington

(to the tune of Mrs. Robinson)

And here’s to you, Mrs. Reddington,
Raymond loves you more than you will know,
God bless you please, Mrs. Reddington
Heaven holds a place for those who pray,
especially those that know Ray
Hey, hey, hey, hey.

We’d like to know a little bit about you for our files
for the one-armed hook guy who better not scratch his piles
Look around until all you see are sympathetic eyes
Don’t ask for human fingers with your fries.

Chorus refrain- the original first stanza of this song.

Hide it in the hiding place where no one ever goes,
the next thing to be lopped off might be your nose,
It’s a little secret just the Reddingtons’ affair
don’t let the house go up in flames of despair,
Most of all you’ve got to hide it from the kids
as smoke gets under your mascara eyelids.

Boo-hoo-hoo-hoo, Mrs. Reddington
Raymond loves you more than you will know etc.
the next lines of the choral refrain first verse.

Sitting on a sofa on a Sunday afternoon
as hookman’s chainsaw starts up a new tune
Laugh about it, shout about it
When you’ve got to choose
Every way you look at this you lose.

Where have you gone, Red Reddington,
Our nation turns its lonely eyes to you,
you could kick ISIS’ ass so blue,
What’s that you say, Mrs. Reddington?
Dashing Ray has left and gone away,
Hey, hey, hey, hey,
but he’ll be back another day.

-Christopher Van Helsing
(with apologies to Simon and Garfunkel)

-Thursday night, September 25th 2014.

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Haiku About Justin Bieber

January 24, 2014 at 4:05 pm (Commentary, Entertainment, Music, News, Songs) (, , , , , , , , , , )

Haiku About Justin Bieber

Pop stars go retro
Justin Bieber is dancing
to the Jailhouse Rock

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The Apocalypse Zombies

January 15, 2014 at 8:06 pm (Commentary, Humour, Poetry, Satire, Songs) (, , , , , , , )

The Apocalypse Zombies

(to be sung to the tune of the World War II song The D-Day Dodgers and the World War I song Lili Marlene)

We’re the Apocalypse Zombies of modern history
first made popular in horror flicks as corny as can be
We like to eat people’s brains out
When we roam about
We walked the Halls of Congress but found nothing there
saved shocked Congressmen in their underwear
So we headed across the country in our walkabout
California was as barren as a bear’s stream devoid of trout
we searched for a place we thought would hit the spot
but the state of Colorado had totally gone to pot
We stumbled on the set of a reality TV show
and finding junk food there decided we would go
so we shuffled across this land on our bony feet
with eyes that looked totally deadbeat
We checked Facebook statuses looking for a bite
but all we read were people who ought to fly a kite
And the Twitter tweets were even worse
devoid of verse- a brainless curse
And so we died of hunger
falling like dead junker
because no brains could we find
living man was not kind
It was truly a zombie apocalypse
because no brains would pass our lips
and now we lie buried again under grass
Zombie apocalypse truly come to pass.

-A satirical song written by Christopher
Wednesday January 15th

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Radio News Story From The Future About Katy Perry

December 18, 2013 at 7:54 pm (Commentary, Entertainment, Music, News, Satire, Songs, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Radio News Story From The Future About Katy Perry

Tired of seeing Ukrainians demonstrating in the streets of Kiev on BBC World News on TV, Renfield decided to go down to the Set Enterprises Lab and see if Michelangelo the genetically created psychic lobster could pick up another radio news transmission from the future on his lobster antennae.

As Renfield adjusted Michelangelo’s antennae much to the lobster’s discomfort, words came through on the computer loud speaker.

Michelangelo’s antennae were hooked up to wires on the computer which picked up the transmissions Michelangelo received.

This was the radio news story from the future that Michelangelo had picked up…

… “This just in. Tragedy has struck American singer Katy Perry on her recent African safari. While wearing a tiger’s eye necklace the singer was eaten by a lion while trying to roar at it.

The singer had spent weeks learning how to roar like a lion at a newly opened animal languages school in the South African township of Soweto.

Miss Perry had roared “I come in peace” according to her lion language teacher who accompanied her on the safari but the lion wasn’t impressed and ate her.

Nothing much is known about her lion language teacher who taught Miss Perry how to roar like a lion other than he has caused controversy in the past when he served as an interpreter for the deaf at the world leaders’ memorial service held for the late South African leader Nelson Mandela in Johannesburg.

According to a British veterinarian named Dolittle who was taking photos at the scene and claims to actually speak lion, he claimed the lion was walking around roaring “I ate a Yank and I liked it” afterwards.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday December 18th

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You Lived Your Life Like A Pineapple In The Wind

December 18, 2007 at 1:06 pm (Quotations and Sayings of Dracul Van Helsing, Songs)

by princessofheaven [ 28, F, Mumbai ]

What would confuse a mentally challenged person?
Answer: A pineapple.
Confused…? I knew you would be!

Have a Gr8888 Day..!!!

Posted on: December 18, ’07

by DraculVanHelsing  Online Online
Don’t sit under the pineapple tree with anyone else but you
anyone else but you
Don’t sit under the pineapple tree with anyone else but you
anyone else but you
talk to yourself through and through
because you’re both a pineapple and a nut too!

Posted on: December 18, ’07

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FBI Raid Magician David Copperfield’s House

October 20, 2007 at 2:42 pm (Commentary, Humour, Satire, Songs)

 FBI Raid Magician David Copperfield’s Warehouse

Earlier today the FBI raided the warehouse of 
world-famous magician and illusionist David Copperfield.

To honour this occasion, I’ve written a rap song about it.

So pretend I’m a gangsta rapper and here we go:

Does George Dubya Bush believe in pie in the sky?
let me ask you somethin’, do winged birds fly?
This Patriot Act legislation got to work
who you callin’ Dick Cheney a jerk?
You’re a traitor
anarchist agitator
should be fed to an alligator.

The authorities in power they protecting us
soon you’ll be strip searched boardin’ a bus
what’s the latest we do to defend the homeland
check those boys wearin’ the FBI brand
They’ve raided David Copperfield’s warehouse
and not because the agent in charge be a drunken souce.

No, they’ve had it on good authority that people disappear and reappear
Justice Department ask, don’t you think that’s queer?
Some people this guy do saw in half
he can also make vanish a gir-affe
as well as elephant and Lear jet
looks like we ain’t seen nothing yet.
Made the Statue of Liberty go poof!
He’s got guillotines under his roof.

So the FBI has got the evidence
amidst all this birdcage pestilence
oops! the evidence has disappeared like magic
we got to say that’s somewhat tragic
wonder what else he has under his sleeve
causing the U.S. Justice Department to grieve!


-A rap song written by Christopher aka Dracul Van Helsing on October 19th, 2007

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The Wild Lindsay Lohan Girl

July 26, 2007 at 4:19 am (Songs)

 The Wild Lindsay Lohan Girl

The Wild Lindsay Lohan Girl
A song written by Christopher
aka Dracul Van Helsing
July 25th, 2007
to the tune of the old Irish song
The Wild Colonial Boy

There was a wild Lindsay Lohan girl, Lindsay Lohan was her name
when it came to finding cocaine, she claimed she’d been framed
She was not doing dope, her car just went for a twirl
and dearly did the tabloids love the Wild Lindsay Lohan girl.

At the early age of sixteen years, she had more than a thousand beers
and to California traffic laws, she gave several bronx cheers
She went up on the sidewalk running over Patrolman Merle
a terror to the highways was the Wild Lindsay Lohan girl.

One fine evening as Lindsay rode along
she threw out the window her very thin thong
Three mounted troopers charged her down
this drunken airheaded clown
as she went out for a whirl
the trap was sprung to capture her
the Wild Lindsay Lohan girl.

Surrender now, Lindsay Lohan, you see it’s three to one
Surrender  now Lindsay Lohan,  a DUI isn’t fun
She threw two panties and a belt and cursed Officer Merle
I’ll scream and pout forever cried the Wild Lindsay Lohan girl.

She swore at trooper Kelly and almost ran him down
And charging on to Davis, he was forced to hit the ground
A bullet pierced through her bra as she ran down Officer Merle
and that’s the way they captured her, the Wild Lindsay Lohan girl.


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