Renfield and The Rio Games

August 8, 2016 at 12:14 pm (International Intrigue, Sports, Vampire novel) (, , , , )

“I’ve heard one of your companies is doing the dope testing on athletes at the 2016 Rio Olympics,” Amadeus asked Renfield while biting into a Brazilian lamb chop cooked in a Brazilian salsa sauce.

“That’s true,” Renfield grinned.

“Why are you grinning?” Amadeus washed down the hot salsa with a cool ginger beer.

“Because of the fun I’ll have with the testing,” Renfield looked like a mischievous imp.

“What are you going to do?” Amadeus asked with some trepidation.

“I’m going to arrange it so that every athlete in the world with the exception of the Russian athletes test positive for drug use,” Renfield beamed like the Mona Lisa on steroids.

“Why would you do that?” Amadeus queried.

“Because it’s fun,” Renfield shrugged and went upstairs to his room.

Amadeus noticed that Renfield had left his laptop on the table so he took a glance at the computer screen.

He noticed a large amount of Russian gold bullion had been deposited into Renfield’s Swiss bank accounts.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday August 6th 2016.

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Playing Baseball Against Stormy Skies: A Poem

July 29, 2016 at 2:09 pm (Life, Nature, Poetry, Sports) (, , , )

I passed by a baseball field last night
A fierce thunderstorm was approaching from the west
The sky was dark and gray
The clouds resembled angry dragons
and angry towering giants.
A strong wind blew in from the west
and trees swayed strongly off the field

Yet the players continued to play their game
They ran around the bases in the strong cool breeze
The pitcher continued to pitch
and the catcher continued to catch
save when the hitter hit
and infielders and midfielders and outfielders
continued to move on the field

Judging from their faces, they looked so much more alive
than say if they had been playing baseball on a hot sunny day
The approaching storm cloud and the powerful cool breeze
kept things cool
so they were able to play the game with more intensity
and less lethargy
than if they had been playing in hot sun

Of course once the downpour and lightning hit
that probably wouldn’t have been so much fun
I did not stay to watch that outcome

I suppose the trick is to play the game against the storm clouds
and against the strong cool breeze
but to know when to come in out of the rain.

-A poem written by Christopher
Friday July 29th 2016

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Renfield and The Kardashian/Jenner Clan’s Latest Shenanigans

October 18, 2015 at 6:13 pm (Culture, Entertainment, News, Sports, Television, TV Commercials, TV Shows, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

Renfield And The Kardashian/Jenner Clan’s Latest Shenanigans

Renfield R. Renfield sat on the sofa and spoke to Amadeus Emanon, “You know with all the international espionage activities I’ve been involved in the past week, I really haven’t had time to keep up with the Kardashians. I wonder what the latest news is involving the Kardashian/Jenner clan and their inner circle?”.

Renfield used the remote to put on the television while Amadeus continued to eat the half dozen steak and kidney pies he’d been eating.

“So,” Renfield mockingly asked the television, “what’s the latest with the Kardashian/Jenner clan?”.

A TV commercial was on.

TV Commercial spokesman: Are you the sort of guy who wouldn’t want to be caught dead in a Nevada brothel?

Then to avoid such future embarrassment, use Viagra.

The real thing.

Not those cheap herbal imitations.

And here’s another piece of advice for you, my whoremongering friend.

That slogan Things Go Better With Coke doesn’t always hold true.

So use Viagra.

The real thing.

After all you wouldn’t want to be caught dead or near death in a Nevada brothel.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday October 18th
2015.

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Haiku About Tiger Woods In 2015

July 26, 2015 at 5:23 pm (Commentary, News, Poetry, Sports) (, , , , , )

Haiku About Tiger Woods In 2015

Broken tiger
has broken spirit
Golf becomes Greek tragedy

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Amadeus Meets Serena Williams

July 14, 2015 at 7:35 pm (News, Sports, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Amadeus Meets Serena Williams

Amadeus Emanon and Renfield R. Renfield were sitting in the lobby of an elegant 5-star London hotel.

Both men were wearing tuxedos and bow ties.

“So, what are we doing here?” Amadeus asked Renfield.

“Well,” Renfield mused, “it’s been a while since I’ve banged a celebrity. Do you remember years ago, I banged all 3 Kardashian sisters underneath a table in a McDonald’s in downtown Manhattan?.”

“Yes, I remember you got mad at me for eating your Filet o’ Fish and French fries while you were busy doing that,” Amadeus recalled.

“Anyways,” Renfield quickly returned to the subject at hand, “I’ve got a hankering to bang a celebrity again. And since this is the hotel where many celebrities seem to stay when they’re in London, I figure this is the best place to meet one.”

“And what am I supposed to do while you’re banging a celebrity? Amadeus asked.

“Well, I hear they serve an excellent tea and crumpets in the tea room here,” Renfield suggested.

“Whereabouts is the tea room?” Amadeus looked around.

“Oh, my gosh, I think that’s actress Gong Li,” Renfield noticed a beautiful woman wearing a green evening dress walk into the lobby.

He quickly followed her into the elevator and flashed Amadeus a V for victory sign as the elevator door closed.

Amadeus decided to head off to see if he could locate the tea room on his own.

As he walked down the hall, he suddenly noticed a beautiful woman wearing a white evening gown.

He recognized her as Serena Williams.

“Congratulations Miss Williams,” Amadeus bowed as she walked by, “on winning your sixth Wimbledon title and your 21st Grand Slam title.”

“Well,” Serena smiled, “aren’t you the perfect gentleman. And what’s your name, my good man?”.

“Amadeus Emanon,” he bowed again.

“Is that French?” Serena asked.

“Emanon is French,” Amadeus replied, “Amadeus is Latin.”

“I see, Mr. Amadeus Emanon,” Serena smiled again, “and what do you do for a living?”.

“I’m a concert pianist,” Amadeus answered.

“I see,” Serena was quite taken with the shy, quiet, unassuming gentleman,”how would you like to come up to my room and we can make music together?”.

“Do you have a piano in your room?” Amadeus asked.

Serena laughed, “Oh no. But we can find other ways to make music.”

“Well,” Amadeus reflected, “I’ve only recently begun learning how to play both the harp and the piccolo.”

Serena took hold of his hand and led him into the elevator with her.

. . .

Renfield sat in the lobby of the hotel sporting one huge black eye and wondered where the Hell Amadeus had gotten to.

He wasn’t in the tea room having tea and crumpets like he was supposed to be doing.

Renfield rubbed his black eye and wondered whether the hotel kitchen might not have some frozen steaks he could put on it.

His encounter with Gong Li had not been successful.

He had discovered that Gong Li’s martial arts skills weren’t just acting.

It was a good thing for Renfield that he had recently learned the words to the Chinese National Anthem in both Mandarin and Cantonese.

Otherwise his nuts might have been totally crushed beyond all hope of repair.

Amadeus came out of one of the hotel elevators with a huge smile on his face.

Renfield stood up to greet him.

“Where have you been?” Renfield demanded to know.

“I’ve been learning a new form of music,” Amadeus smiled, “one I’ve never experienced before.”

“Is that lipstick on your collar?” Renfield asked.

“Why yes, I guess it is,” Amadeus looked down.

“Say that woman who got out of the elevator with you,” Renfield pointed in the direction of a woman in a white evening gown going through the hotel’s revolving door, “wasn’t that Serena Williams?”.

“Yes, it was,” Amadeus sighed.

“She looked positively glowing,” Renfield remarked, “she must still be really happy over her sixth Wimbledon win.”

“She might also have other things to glow about as well,” Amadeus remarked whose own face was glowing about as red as Michelangelo the psychic lobster when he had undergone an extra dose of radiation down at the Set Enterprises lab.

Renfield looked at Amadeus’ glowing face and then looked at Serena Williams’ glowing face as she entered a taxi.

“Oh, my God,” Renfield sat back on the hotel lobby sofa in a total state of shock.

Amadeus just smiled.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday July 14th
2015.

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Haiku About FIFA Women’s World Cup 2015 Being Held In Canada

June 22, 2015 at 6:41 pm (Poetry, Sports) (, , , , , )

Haiku About FIFA Women’s World Cup 2015 Being Held In Canada

The FIFA World Cups
Canada’s national teams
girls better than boys

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A Post-Mortem Poem On Super Bowl XLIX

February 2, 2015 at 7:11 pm (Commentary, News, Poetry, Sports) (, , , , , )

A Post-Mortem Poem On Super Bowl XLIX

And it came to pass…
when it should have been run…
Oh, somewhere in this favored land the sun is shining bright;
The band is playing somewhere, and somewhere hearts are light,
And somewhere men are laughing, and somewhere children shout;
But there is no joy in Seattle- mighty Patriots have intercepted.

-A poem written by Christopher
Monday February 2nd 2015
with apologies to
Ernest Lawrence Thayer
author of Casey At The Bat.

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Haiku About The Seattle Seahawks

January 18, 2015 at 6:27 pm (Commentary, News, Poetry, Sports) (, , , , , , , )

Haiku About The Seattle Seahawks

Seattle Seahawks
dynasty in the making?
see at Super Bowl

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Ray Rice Statement aka ‘Tis A Tale Told By An Idiot

September 10, 2014 at 4:19 pm (Commentary, News, Quotations and Sayings of Dracul Van Helsing, Sports) (, , , , )

Ray Rice Statement aka ‘Tis A Tale Told By An Idiot

Ray Rice has issued a statement calling for greater understanding.

Speaking of understanding, I understand Dr. Hannibal Lecter is going to make a dish out of the domestic violence practicing athlete appropriately called Chicken Fried Rice.

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If Baseball Had Been Around In Shakespeare’s Time

August 6, 2014 at 4:26 pm (Entertainment, Literature, Plays, Satire, Sports) (, , , , , , , )

If Baseball Had Been Around In Shakespeare’s Time

Here is a scenario of what it might have been like if baseball had been around in Shakespeare’s time and a baseball game had been performed within one of Shakespeare’s plays:

Scene: Sir John is up to bat.

The pitcher throws the ball.

Sir John hits the ball with his bat and sends it flying.

Umpire (calling out) : Foul ball.

Sir John (aghast) : Foul ball?

Umpire (nodding his head) : Indeed it t’is. Foul ball.

Sir John (protesting) : Why, I have never seen so fair a foul.

Umpire (taking off his mask) : Are you questioning my decision, sir?

Sir John (standing up to the umpire chin to chin) : Indeed I am, sir.

Umpire : Then thou art a knave and a fool, sir.

Sir John: What sayest thou? That I am a knave and a fool?

Umpire: Indeed I say it. I hast said it. And I will say it again. Thou art a knave and a fool, sir.

Sir John: Then verily I say unto you that thou art a pimple on my lady’s plump bottom, sir.

Umpire (foaming at the mouth) : What? A pimple on thy lady’s plump bottom? I demand that you withdraw that remark, sir.

Sir John: indeed I will not, sir.

Umpire: Ye shall not?

Sir John: Indeed I shall not.

Umpire: Then thou black-hearted snerd, thou leavest me no other choice but to throw you out and cast thee forth from the game.

Sir John : Then thou leavest me no other choice but to remove my trusty sword from my trusty sheath and slay thee.

(Sir John removes his sword from his sheath and stabs the umpire)

Umpire (crying out) : Oh, I am slain.

(falls to ground dead)

Voice of Shakespearian Baseball Announcer: It doth appear that last call was fatal to yon umpire’s career.

FINIS.

Body of dead umpire is carried in solemn procession off the field.

-A short play
written by Christopher
Wednesday August 6th
2014.

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