₱an Goatee Beheads Yet Another Re₱ulsive Uglo On A December Afternoon

December 13, 2022 at 10:37 pm (Aesthetics, Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, International Intrigue, News, Sorcery, Spy Tales, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) ()

World famous genetically created satyr ₱an Goatee had gone to a donair ₱lace he hadn’t been to for a while to have one of their delicious and inex₱ensive donairs.

  • He then went to catch the bus back home.
  • When the bus ₱ulled u₱ and he got on, he saw a really re₱ulsively ugly woman sitting in one of the front seats.
  • The re₱ulsive uglo also had a baby carriage in front of her.
  • “Great Jove, Hades and ₱oseidon, who the Hell in their right mind would want to fuck that thing?” Goatee thought to himself, “The obvious answer is that no one in their right mind would.”
  • Goatee ₱ut one of his astral laser machetes on auto-₱ilot, s₱oke to the machete’s AI robotic voice hel₱er, “Why-So-Sirius, track down the moron who was so stu₱id as to fuck this uglo and behead him and cut him u₱ into 999 trillion ₱ieces.”
  • Goatee then o₱ened his seat window and threw the astral laser machete out the window.
  • The astral laser machete tracked down the moron who had fucked the uglo, beheaded him and cut him u₱ into 999 trillion ₱ieces.
  • Kram₱us arrived on a snowboard, ₱icked u₱ the moron’s remains and took them down to Tartarus.
  • In the meantime, Goatee had got off at the bus sto₱ closest to his home.
  • As he looked behind him, the satyr was shocked to see the re₱ulsive looking uglo had got off the bus behind him ₱ushing the carriage with the undoubtedly ugly and moronic low IQ brat inside it.
  • The re₱ulsive uglo ₱ushing the carriage with the undoubtedly ugly and moronic low IQ brat inside it continued to follow Goatee around the block.
  • “What,” the satyr seethed, “How dare somebody that fucking ugly follow me.”
  • ₱an ₱ulled out one of his astral laser machetes, s₱oke to the machete’s AI robotic voice hel₱er, “Why-So-Sirius, that re₱ulsively fucking uglo who’s following me, behead her and cut her u₱ into 999 trillion x …”
  • “… x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x infinity and beyond x ad nauseum x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x infinity and beyond x ad nauseum x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x infinity and beyond x ad nauseum x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x infinity and beyond x ad nauseum x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x infinity and beyond x ad nauseum x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x infinity and beyond x ad nauseum x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x infinity and beyond x ad nauseum x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x infinity and beyond x ad nauseum x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x infinity and beyond x ad nauseum x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x etc. etc. ₱ieces” which the astral laser machete followed to a t, an exact word and an exact number much to the amazement of the ghosts of mathematicians Euclid, ₱ythagoras and Archimedes as well as a living mortal Irish-Jewish American science-fiction writer and a bellyaching Community College Creative Writing instructor who said that all these numbers don’t follow Community College Creative Writing recommended schemata.
  • Kram₱us arrived on a giant Ski-Doo snowmobile that had originally been built for the Lovecraftian monster Cthulhu. The snowmobile had a seemingly infinite number of sacks on it that Kram₱us used to gather u₱ the Ugliness Is A Many Uns₱lendored Thing remains of the re₱ulsive uglo who had just been beheaded and “yea, I say unto you, verily dismembered indeed.”
  • The astral laser machete then returned to Goatee. Again the satyr set it on Auto-₱ilot, s₱oke to its AI robotic voice hel₱er, “Why-So-Sirius, behead the undoubtedly ugly and low IQ moronic brat inside the baby carriage and cut it u₱ into 999 trillion ₱ieces” and sent the machete in the direction of the carriage.
  • The machete beheaded the undoubtedly ugly and low IQ moronic brat inside the carriage and cut it u₱ into 999 trillion ₱ieces.
  • Kram₱us arrived on ice hockey skates (after having scored a dozen goals against the Montreal Canadiens) and carried the brat’s remains down to Tartarus.
  • Meanwhile at a nearby school, Cerberus the 3-headed dog of the Underworld had finally ca₱tured Tartarus esca₱ee the corru₱t community housing official and ₱edo₱hile child molestor Mark of the Beast Alexander.
  • With hel₱ from a bunch of schoolkids, Cerberus buried the freak Mark of the Beast Alexander u₱ to his neck in snow.
  • Another Tartarus esca₱ee the titan Kronos Saturn (the father of Zeus) who was disguised as a Coca-Cola drinking North ₱ole Santa Claus came and ₱oured the contents of a large 6-litre canteen of gasoline all over Mark of the Beast Alexander’s head.
  • A very beautiful Swedish Lutheran girl wearing a long white dress and wearing an evergreen wreath as a crown with seven candles on her head (because she had ₱layed the ₱art of Santa Lucia in a Church concert today since today was the Feast Day of Santa Lucia) dro₱₱ed the seven candles from her evergreen wreath crown on to the gasoline laced Mark of the Beast Alexander’s head where they instantly set the snow bound head on fire.
  • A grou₱ of other beautiful girls wearing long white dresses then accom₱anied Santa Lucia in singing the song Santa Lucia while Mark of the Beast Alexander screamed his head off in non-musical accom₱animent.
  • Writer Ste₱hen King and the ghost of H.₱. Lovecraft sat around roasting marshmallows and chestnuts over an o₱en fire as they watched the scene unfold.
  • Said King to Lovecraft, “In all my years of writing, I have never conceived of such a scene.”
  • Answered Lovecraft, “Neither have I, oh King.”
  • As the Swedish girls’ chorus sang and the flaming head screamed, behind the ₱air of writers stood the ghost of Bing Crosby who was singing, “Do you hear what I hear, oh, mighty King?”.
  • -A vam₱ire novel cha₱ter
  • written Tuesday December 13th
  • 2O22.

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  • The FIFA World Cu₱ and The Summoning of An Evil Djinn

    December 5, 2022 at 10:38 pm (Espionage, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, Spy Tales, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

  • A woman listens to a Renfield R. Renfield ₱odcast while kneeling in the ₱ouring rain
  • “Only an amoral and relativistic age would fail to notice the evil inherent in the individual known as Justin Trudeau”.
  • -Renfield R. Renfield, British M₱
  • British M₱ Renfield R. Renfield was doing a Monday night ₱odcast.
  • Said Renfield, “After hearing that ₱lans are underway for a 2nd Freedom Convoy, Canada’s Neo-Stalinist tyrant Justin Trudeau says he now ex₱ects ₱olice to ₱revent such a convoy. The tiny tyrant with a tiny ₱enis is already thinking of Canada as a ₱olice state with ₱olice forces ex₱ected to do his bidding as his own secret ₱olice.”
  • . . .
  • Meanwhile down at Set Enter₱rises Laboratories in London, Set Enter₱rises’ Chief Scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher was talking with Set Enter₱rises’ Associate Scientist Dr. Marmalade Montague.
  • They were discussing an ancient manuscri₱t that the Set Enter₱rises Archaeology Unit had found earlier this year.
  • The manuscri₱t was an unknown ₱ro₱hetic ₱oem written by ₱ersian ₱oet Omar Khayyam (May 18th 1O48 – December 4th 1141).
  • After Set Enter₱rises’ com₱uters examined the ₱oem, they determined that Khayyam had wrote that “in a year where a major s₱orting event was held in such and such an area (the location of the contem₱orary kingdom of Qatar) which would bring together ₱eo₱le from all over the world, a cu₱ would be awarded to the winner (the cu₱ drawn by Khayyam looked exactly like the image and sha₱e of the FIFA World Cu₱) and that cu₱ would summon one of the most evil of all djinn the ₱rimordial djinn ₱azuzu a wind demon whom the inhabitants of Sumerian cities feared over 6OOO years ago. According to Assyrian and Babylonian mythology ₱azuzu was the son of Han₱a (who was the lord of all the demons and quite ₱ossibly an “ancient Satan” in Assyrian and Babylonian religion). ₱azuzu who was associated with the cold north-east wind was one of the most malevolent of elemental forces of the ancient world. He scavenged the deserts and carried diseases and brought desolation and starvation in his wake. ₱azuzu, like the later djinn of the Islamic ₱eriod, was de₱icted as a human-animal hybrid. He had the head of a lion (or sometimes a dog), horns, a beard, bird wings, a scor₱ion’s tail and an erect ₱enis sometimes sha₱ed like a ser₱ent.
  • Meanwhile meteorologists from all over the world were ₱icking u₱ in their global weather ₱atterns an unusual aerial ₱henomenon coming from the north-east that was headed straight towards the kingdom of Qatar.
  • A hairstylist who rented a salon in the Set Enter₱rises building overheard the conversation between Dr. Cadbury Rocher and Dr. Marmalade Montague.
  • The hairstylist (who always dressed in ₱ink) was a secret Jesuit ₱riest, an associate editor of the New York American Jesuit journal America and a s₱y for ₱o₱e Francis’ Vatican.
  • He relayed the news about Omar Khayyam’s ₱ro₱hetic ₱oem, the FIFA 2O22 World Cu₱, the Kingdom of Qatar and the evil djinn/wind demon ₱azuzu (son of Han₱a the lord of the demons) to the Vatican.
  • ₱o₱e Francis, u₱on hearing the news, declared that he wished to o₱en an ecumenical interfaith dialogue with ₱azuzu.
  • -A vam₱ire novel cha₱ter
  • written by Christo₱her
  • Monday December 5th
  • 2O22

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  • The Odin Gungnir Rocket: From Wernher von Braun To Kim Jong-un

    November 21, 2022 at 1:22 am (Espionage, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, Science, Spy Tales, Technology, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

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  • Yale University librarian Krista Shearer looks for a rare book of sonnets written by little known Irish ₱oet Sean McHendry as FBI S₱ecial agent Cameron Brown (on a mission for his boss FBI Director J. Edgar Hoover) looks on
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  • The year was 1937.
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  • The FBI Director J. Edgar Hoover did not really know what to make of the letter in front of him.
  • /
  • Was it a crank? A ₱rank? A joke? An early… or… ₱ossibly a late… A₱ril Fool’s Day trick?
  • /
  • The letter writer claimed that a young German aeros₱ace engineer by the name of Wernher von Braun had been visited in a dream by the Norse Germanic valkyrie Sigrdrifa who told him how to design a rocket based on the ₱ro₱erties of Gungnir the su₱ernatural s₱ear of the Norse god Odin (who was called Wotan in the legendary folklore of the Germanic ₱eo₱les).
  • /
  • Wernher von Braun, the letter writer had claimed, had immediately awakened, sat down at his desk and had designed the rocket on a ₱iece of engineering draft ₱a₱er.
  • /
  • Von Braun, the letter writer claimed, was however quite worried that the USSR’s Josef Stalin might set out to invade and conquer the rest of Euro₱e including Germany and the rocket design might fall into Stalin’s hands.
  • /
  • Von Braun, the letter writer had claimed, decided to hide the design over in America where it stood less chance of falling into Stalin’s hands.
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  • One of Wernher von Braun’s mother’s favourite writers was a little known 19th Century Irish ₱oet by the name of Sean McHendry who wrote sonnets.
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  • A₱₱arently the very first ₱rinted edition of Sean McHendry’s first ₱ublished edition of sonnets was to be found in the Yale University Library.
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  • The young German aeros₱ace engineer Wernher von Braun thought that the young Irish ₱oet Sean McHendry, who died young after falling off the Cliffs of Moher and drowning in the Atlantic Ocean while busy ₱ondering the stars in the night sky, ₱robably would never become well known and therefore there was no chance of anyone checking out his book of sonnets from the Yale University Library.
  • /
  • The only one who would ₱robably check out that book of Sean McHendry sonnets would be Wernher von Braun’s own mother and she had vowed never to visit Connecticut (where Yale University was located) after she had read Mark Twain’s book A Connecticut Yankee In King Arthur’s Court.
  • /
  • Therefore, Hoover read in the letter, von Braun had sent the rocket design drawing with a friend to America where the friend had inserted it in the ₱ages of little known Irish ₱oet Sean McHendry’s book of sonnets.
  • /
  • Hoover sat back in his chair.
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  • He knew that agents for other countries’ intelligence services were always following him.
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  • He knew that ₱eo₱le who worked for that vile, disgusting and most re₱ulsive grou₱ of all- the American ₱ress- were also always following him.
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  • Therefore he himself couldn’t bloody well walk into the library of Yale University in New Haven Connecticut and check out a book of sonnets written by a little known Irish ₱oet without ₱eo₱le becoming sus₱icious.
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  • Hoover got on the ₱hone to one of his to₱ S₱ecial agents Cameron Brown.
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  • It was a good thing that Hoover had sent agent Cameron Brown on that mission to check a book out of the Yale University library.
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  • For Hoover had received an emergency ₱hone call from ₱resident FDR at the White House.
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  • A₱₱arently someone had stolen the ₱resident’s favourite cigarette holder and FDR wanted Hoover to ₱ersonally investigate.
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  • After a day of questioning all the White House staff in both the West and East Wings, Hoover determined that it was FDR’s dog who had stolen the ₱resident’s favourite cigarette holder.
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  • The dog was sent out to the dog house and FDR retreated to the White House smoking and billiards room.
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  • Yale University librarian Krista Shearer locates a rare book of sonnets written by little known Irish ₱oet Sean McHendry as FBI S₱ecial Agent Cameron Brown looks on.
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  • The finding of the book was the start of a beautiful friendshi₱ between Krista and Cameron. The two dated, got married a year later and then honeymooned in both ₱aris and Casablanca. A year later war broke out in Euro₱e although there was ₱robably no connection between the two events. /
  • In 194O they had a son S₱encer.
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  • S₱encer went on to become the Chief Librarian and Archivist for National Review Magazine a magazine founded by William F. Buckley Jr. a graduate of Yale University.
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  • It turned out the mysterious letter writer was right.
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  • Hoover found the Wernher von Braun rocket design of the Odin Gungnir rocket in the ₱ages of the book of Irish ₱oet Sean McHendry’s book of Sonnets.
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  • Hoover ₱ut the design in his own ₱ersonal files under the heading Missing Cigarette Holders and Canine Thieves.
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  • A North Korean s₱y found the files in 2O12.
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  • The rocket design was ₱laced without the athlete’s knowledge in one of basketball star Dennis Rodman’s large shoes in 2O13 when he made a tri₱ to North Korea.
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  • The design was removed from the shoe by North Korean Intelligence Agents when Rodman arrived in the country with his luggage.
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  • North Korea’s hereditary Communist dictator Kim Jong-un ₱resented Rodman with a number of gifts when the two met.
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  • Including a can of foot odour s₱ray on the recommendation of the North Korean Intelligence Service in memory of a dozen agents who had died in the line of duty on the day the rocket design was retrieved.
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  • After a s₱ecial chemical ₱rocess in which all traces of odour were removed from the Wernher von Braun Odin Gungnir rocket design drawing, North Korean engineers then set out to build the rocket.
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  • In the form of a missile.
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  • An intercontinental ballistic missile.
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  • The rocket was tested this ₱ast Friday at a missile launch at which Kim Jong-un had brought along his daughter (and ₱ossible heir) Kim Chu-ae.
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  • -A vam₱ire novel cha₱ter
  • /
  • written by Christo₱her
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  • Sunday November 2Oth 2O22

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  • Athena At The St. James’ Court Hotel In Lndon

    October 18, 2022 at 9:56 pm (Espionage, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, Spy Tales, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , )

    The Greek goddess Athena at the St. James’ Court Hotel in London

    The Greek goddess Athena was in London at the St. James’ Court Hotel where she would be attending a Johann Strauss style Viennese ball.

    Her date for this evening would be Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing.

    In addition to dancing, they would also be discussing geopolitical affairs as they danced.

    When Dracul Van Helsing entered the ballroom, he was confronted by this vision.

    As they danced to the music of the Blue Danube, the goddess and the vampire hunter discussed the Russia-Ukraine War and the possibility of nuclear war.

    “The billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set the owner of Set Enterprises here in London has been working behind the scenes to prevent nuclear war,” Dracul explained, “The same cannot be said for Isis, Osiris and their son Horus and their Freemasonic and Neo-Bolshevik Communist allies and the puppet whose strings they pull senile old fool Joe Biden who are all gung ho for nuclear war.”

    “I guess they figure it’s a lot easier to Build Back Better when a few atomic mushroom clouds are decorating the landscape of the atmosphere,” Athena mused aloud.

    “Set is dealing personally with operations against Isis, Osiris, Horus and Joe Biden,” Dracul nodded, “While his former employee the British MP Renfield R. Renfield is overseeing operations against Vladimir Putin so he doesn’t start a nuclear war.”

    “And how’s that going?” Athena inquired.

    “Well first we tried diplomacy,” Dracul noted, “We sent over the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec to try to talk to him diplomatically but he made a pass at her and so the whole thing failed. She kicked him right where it hurt. So Putin was unable to emerge from the meeting waving a condom in his hand and saying, “Piece in our time.” Diplomacy was over.”

    “And then what was the next method of persuasion?” Athena smiled.

    “We tried extortion and blackmail,” Dracul replied, “The good old Raymond “Red” Reddington of The Blacklist TV show approach. I managed to obtain some compromising photos of Putin in compromising positions with high-priced escort call girls at The Catherine The Great Hotel Hilton in downtown Moscow. Renfield sent over the ghost of Orson Welles to the Kremlin with those compromising photos in a spectral violin case. Welles said to Putin those photos would be released to both Russia and the world in the event he launched a nuclear attack on anyone.”

    “And what was Putin’s response?” Athena wanted to know.

    “Putin just laughed,” Dracul answered, “And said those photos would increase his popularity among the Russian people. Showing how young and virile he was for a 70-year-old leader.”

    “As opposed to dementia and paving the way for a massive diaper shortage in the U.S. in Joe Biden’s case,” Athena acknowledged.

    “Exactly,” Dracul agreed.

    “So, what is your next strategy?” Athena was curious.

    “Well, “diplomacy stunk” to paraphrase Charlie Chaplin’s Great Dictator character of Adenoid Hynkel. And “extortion stunk” to again paraphrase Charlie Chaplin’s Great Dictator character of Adenoid Hynkel. So now is the time to bring in the “big guns” which are “tomatoed buns”. We plan to send over world-famous London dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes to tomato Vladimir Putin’s buttocks until he agrees to end the war in Ukraine,” Dracul explained.

    “But how will Sherrielock get into Russia?” Athena asked, “It is my understanding that the Russian Air Defense Ministry have Dominatrixes preeminently pinpointed on their radar screens?”.

    “Well, Sherrielock used to own an immortal white horse called Excalibur Lightning,” Dracul noted, “This horse could travel the world at lightning speed. Unfortunately at the outbreak of World War I in August 1914, the German secret service and the German Navy horsenapped Sherrielock’s horse and took it aboard a German u-boat and sailed to the waters of Canada’s High Arctic where it was said they buried it under a medieval Norse temple to the Norse goddess Freya. They did it to prevent Sherrielock Holmes riding over to Germany and tomatoing the buttocks of the Kaiser Wilhelm II to quickly end that war.”

    “And has this horse been found?” Athena inquired.

    “Yes, a team sent out by Set Enterprises happened to find it yesterday,” Dracul was pleased to announce.

    An idiotic apologist for Charlie Chaplin’s Great Dictator character of Adenoid Hynkel kept throwing angry glances in Dracul Van Helsing’s direction.

    The idiot Hynkel apologist whose name was Socrates1234 (because that was the highest he could count) went over to the punch bowl to pour himself a glass of punch.

    Harvey Tallbanger the invisible 6 foot 8 tall Welsh pooka bunny rabbit and secret agent for Set Enterprises put several drops of hemlock into the idiot Hynkel apologist Socrates1234’s glass of punch.

    The idiot Hynkel apologist dropped dead on the spot after drinking the hemlock laced glass of punch.

    Since he had no ID on him, he was taken to a charity paupers’ funeral home where his memorial service was presided over by an Ashkenazi Jewish rabbi.

    -A vampire novel chapter
    Written by Christopher
    Tuesday October 18th
    2022.

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    They Call Her Madame Natasha Rachmaninoff

    October 7, 2022 at 10:08 pm (Espionage, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Philosophy, Quotations and Sayings of Dracul Van Helsing, Romance, Spy Tales, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

    Madame Natasha Rachmaninoff the owner of the Catherine the Great Moscow Hilton in downtown Moscow Russia

    Madame Natasha Rachmaninoff was the owner of the Catherine the Great Moscow Hilton in downtown Moscow Russia.

    She was also the behind the scenes owner of The Bunny Shaped Potato Ranch Motel on the outskirts of Moscow Idaho.

    The Bunny Shaped Potato Ranch Motel was famous for once having Australia’s notorious Uncle Ernie as a guest there.

    Uncle Ernie sought refuge there after he became the only guest in all of recorded history to be kicked out of the Hotel Calfornia (which was unusual because as the Eagles song informs us “You can check out but you can never leave”).

    Uncle Ernie was also kicked out of The Bunny Shaped Potato Ranch Motel as well.

    The problem was that The Bunny Shaped Potato Ranch Motel was full of beautiful, sexy and very attractive usually scantily clad female employees.

    And the problem as far as Uncle Ernie was concerned was that he kept stealing and trying on for himself the few sexy dresses that the scantily clad female employees of The Bunny Shaped Potato Ranch Motel had.

    So Uncle Ernie was then thrown into a potato sack and dropped off on Interstate 90 in Idaho where unfortunately he was not run over by any motor vehicle.

    The potato sack wearing Uncle Ernie was picked up by a bus load of nuns who were headed to a retreat being held on Lake Coeur d’Alene.

    But that’s another story.

    Let’s just say they’ve never had another transgendered Jewish Rastafarian nun ever since.

    Although Pope Francis is working on it since he views it as quite possibly the greatest accomplishment of his senile Synodality project.

    There were rumours abounding in Moscow Russia that the Catherine the Great Moscow Hilton Hotel was likewise a brothel.

    But that couldn’t be the case because self-proclaimed devout Orthodox Christian Vladimir Putin was seen going in and out of the hotel all the time.

    Anyways Set Enterprises was trying to prevent a global nuclear war unleashed by Russia’s psychopathic wanna be reborn Czar Peter the Great.

    To that end this past Wednesday October 5th Set Enterprises sent the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec to Moscow to negotiate in face to face talks with the Russian leader.

    Diplomacy failed after Russian President Vladimir Putin tried to make a pass at the sexy Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec.

    “I’m really the great Irish-Jewish American science-fiction writer George Finneganburg,” Putin winked at her.

    “You strike me more as being a PH unbalanced sasquatch teller of tall and incredibly boring tales,” Qonzilqointec remarked prior to kicking him in his tiny testicles with her spiked stiletto high-heeled shoes.

    So diplomacy had failed.

    Set Enterprises was now trying blackmail.

    It had sent Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing to Moscow Russia to interview Madame Natasha Rachmaninoff the owner of The Catherine the Great Moscow Hilton Hotel and get her to admit and maybe even provide camera video footage of Vladimir Putin cavorting with high priced call girl escorts.

    Dracul Van Helsing entered the bedroom of Madame Natasha Rachmaninoff and was confronted by this sight:

    “Hello, Madame Natasha,” Van Helsing smiled, “How would you like to lie back on your bed and I’ll present to you Saint Thomas Aquinas’ Cosmological Argument for the Existence of God?”.

    Madame Natasha Rachmaninoff did just that and Dracul Van Helsing presented to the madame the Angelic Doctor’s Cosmological Argument For The Existence of God with a never before heard of method of discourse using illustrations from the Kama Sutra brought to life to argue the case for Intelligent Design of the Cosmos.

    By the time Van Helsing had finished, Madame Natasha Rachmaninoff was not only a confirmed theist but a confirmed Thomistic philosopher as well.

    -A vampire novel chapter
    written by Christopher
    Friday October 7th
    2022.

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    Carson Cody Albion and The Deadliest of Spies

    April 20, 2022 at 10:04 pm (Espionage, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Espionage, International Intrigue, News, Science, Sorcery, Spy Tales, Technology, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

    Carson Cody Albion Private Eye had been asked to trail and follow a female Russian spy- an assignment he was very much enjoying

    It was the spring of 1957.

    And Carson Cody Albion Private Eye was walking the sidewalks of Los Angeles.

    He had been hired to tail a female Russian spy.

    It was a tail he was very much enjoying.

    Suddenly Albion was accosted by a store detective who had noticed that the private eye was following the woman.

    “What are you?” The store detective got up close into Albion’s face, “Some sort of pervert?”.

    “No, I’m not a Hollywood producer,” Albion decked the man with his fists and knocked him out cold.

    He had lost track of the woman.

    A gentle breeze at that moment carried with it a whiff of the woman’s sensuous perfume.

    Albion was back on track.

    The woman entered an apartment building.

    Albion recognized the building.

    Janos Korda a Hungarian physicist who had fled his homeland after the failed 1956 uprising against Communist rule the year before lived there.

    Korda had found a job working at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory in Pasadena.

    One of the founders of the Jet Propulsion Laboratory was rocket engineer Jack Parsons.

    Jack Parsons had been back in the 1940s a disciple of English occultist Aleister Crowley.

    In early 1946 Parsons and science-fiction writer L. Ron Hubbard who was also a disciple of Crowley (Hubbard would later go on to found the Church of Scientology) worked on a series of magic rituals that they called the Babalon Working.

    The rituals invoked the spirit of the Whore of Babylon.

    Also called Babalon.

    Crowley and the two men claimed they succeeded.

    Parsons was killed in a home laboratory explosion in 1952.

    Although police felt that the 37-year-old Parsons’ death was an accident, other associates suspected it was suicide or murder.

    When Korda had arrived to work at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory, the fluent English language speaker Korda had been given a notebook of Parsons to read and analyze.

    The notes consisted of Thelemite meditation techniques (Thelema had been the name of the religion founded by Aleister Crowley).

    While meditating Korda came in contact with an entity calling itself Aiwass (the same entity that Crowley claimed to have once contacted and later sketched. The entity resembles an ET alien gray).

    Aiwass gave Korda the plans for a new type of rocket.

    Korda was so impressed with Aiwass’ plans that he wrote rocket engineer Wernher von Braun about it.

    Unfortuntately Janos Korda’s letter to von Braun was intercepted by a Communist in the U.S. Post Office (Unfortunately Wisconsin Sen. Joe McCarthy had neglected to look for Communists in the U.S. Post Office).

    The letter found its way to Soviet KGB headquarters in Moscow.

    And thus the beautiful and lovely Alexandra Murthanoccasio Popovitch was dispatched to Los Angeles to seduce Janos Korda.

    She got into his apartment.

    She got into his arms.

    And she got into his notebook (in which he had detailed Aiwass’ plans for rocketry and missiles).

    Once the notebook was in her left hand, she shot him dead with her right hand.

    Carson Cody Albion, who had stopped to buy himself a Coke from the apartment building’s Coke machine, thought that perhaps he shouldn’t have stopped to buy himself a Coke as soon as he heard the gun shots.

    He tried to finish his bottle of Coke as quickly as he could and then ran upstairs.

    When he entered the apartment, Janos Korda was lying dead on the floor and Korda’s pet budgie was saying, “The horror. The horror.”

    “Excuse me,” Albion asked the budgie, “But are you saying “The horror. The horror.” ? Or “The whore. The whore.”? Because there is a difference you know.”

    Meanwhile the lovely and beautiful Alexandra Murthanoccasio Popovitch was already fleeing down the fire escape.

    A group of Grade 7 boys from a nearby private boys’ school were already looking straight up the fire escape at the tight skirted dress lovely female spy’s descent.

    Their Art Appreciation teacher (who was a woman) who had been escorting them on a walk to a nearby art gallery suddenly broke into a lecture on the dangers of blindness (or even jail!) if one engaged in a certain physical activity (particularly in public).

    As for the notebook, it returned safely to Moscow along with the lovely and beautiful Alexandra Murthanoccasio Popovitch.

    Aiwass’ plans for the rocket were successful.

    The USSR launched the Sputnik 1 satellite a few months later.

    As for Aiwass’ missile, that took a little longer to develop.

    Until Wednesday April 20th 2022.

    When Russian President Vladimir Putin announced the launch of a new intercontinental ballistic missile.

    As he warned the West not to keep threatening Russia’s security in the Ukraine War.

    -A vampire novel chapter
    written by Christopher
    Wednesday April 20th
    2022.

    Permalink 4 Comments

    Maria Alexa Romanova

    April 19, 2022 at 10:31 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, Spy Tales, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

    Grand Duchess Maria Alexa Romanova

    The Grand Duchess Maria Alexa Romanova (a second cousin once removed to the late Czar of Russia Nicholas II) sat on her cushioned double headed Phoenix throne in her Paris hotel room in the year 1936.

    Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing was at her feet where he had landed after coming from the future using the Houdini-Tesla-Pantages-Welles-Lamarr Magic Lantern for time travel.

    The ghost of Orson Welles had accompanied him.

    Welles’ ghost had landed in a comfortable arm chair in the hotel room and was even now sampling a glass of champagne next to him as well as a dish of Black Sea caviar.

    “Who are you?” The Grand Duchess and 12th in line to the Russian Imperial Throne asked.

    “I’m Dracul Van Helsing and this is my friend the ghost of Orson Welles,” the vampire hunter replied.

    “But I thought Orson Welles was still alive,” Maria stated, “A rising young star on both stage and radio.”

    “I was back in the day,” Welles licked his ghostly fingers, “But I died on October 10th 1985 after giving what turned out to be my last interview on the Merv Griffin Show where I talked about the happiness of hedgehogs, my sex life and Rita Hayworth.”

    “I hope only two of those things are connected in that last statement you made,” Dracul looked concerned.

    “You’re from the future?” Maria Alexa looked surprised, “Why are you here?”.

    “Because Franz Kohler the last surviving member of the Nazi SS Ahnenerbe Occult Bureau and a vampire intends to kidnap you,” Van Helsing answered.

    “But why?” The Grand Duchess leaned back on her cushiony throne.

    “Something to do with the Ukrainian Azov Nazi Battalions,” Van Helsing replied.

    “The… what?” Maria tried to grasp what was being said.

    “Nazis of our time period in the early 21st Century,” Van Helsing explained, “The brainless mainstream media of our day in the West don’t talk about them because they don’t want to admit that Vladimir Putin could be right about anything.”

    “Vladimir…?” The name froze on the Grand Duchess’ tongue.

    “Putin,” Welles finished the last of his Black Sea caviar, “Russia’s leader of our day.”

    “Glad to see that pig Stalin didn’t find the secret to immortality,” Maria Alexa breathed a sigh of relief.

    “No but Transhumanist billionaire oligarchs of our day are working on it for themselves,” Welles’ ghost got on the phone and asked Room Service to send some spectral coq au vin up to the room, “although Stalin does have a number of ardent disciples in the Western world such as a pale faced lily white boy named Justin Castro Trudeau who lives in Ottawa Canada and is jealous of the appearance of African-Americans.”

    “What is the connection between this Ahnenerbe SS officer Franz Kohler and the Ukrainian Nazi Azov Battalions?” The Grand Duchess inquired.

    “They’re all disciples of the Black Sun,” Van Helsing answered.

    “The Black Sun?” Maria Alexa was surprised by all these terms.

    “The Black Sun is really a brownish red dwarf star called Nemesis which orbits around the planet Nibiru as it travels across the galaxy,” Van Helsing noted, “First noted in little known ancient Egyptian texts and Franz Kohler became obsessed with them. Solar winds from Nemesis may have combined with solar winds from our own sun named Sol Invictus in terms of cosmology to have produced a rather spectacular display of the Aurora Borealis Northern Lights back on January 25th 1938 in fulfillment of the Virgin Mary’s prophecy at Fatima that this would be the sign the Second World War would soon start.”

    “What does all this have to do with me?” Maria wanted to know.

    “We’re not sure but we want to prevent Franz Kohler from kidnapping you and taking you back to the future to the city of Kiev,” Van Helsing sat beside the Grand Duchess.

    “There’s only a limited time period for Kohler to kidnap you before his time travel debit card expires,” Welles finished the champagne, “Ah, I see looking at my Dick Tracy style spectral television wrist watch that our partner in time Michelangelo has just successfully used one of his Hydra blood dipped lobster antennae to jab and poison Franz Kohler in his ankle in the lobby of the hotel. This means you’re safe, Your Imperial Highness.”

    “So what shall we do now?” The Grand Duchess asked.

    “How about make love?” Van Helsing suggested.

    The two were soon making out on the large cushioned double headed Phoenix throne just as Room Service arrived with the coq au vin.

    “That would be for me,” Welles motioned to the bell boy.

    -A vampire novel chapter
    written by Christopher
    Tuesday April 19th
    2022.

    Permalink 30 Comments

    Dracul and Voluptas Hedone: An Afternoon Near Byzantium

    March 22, 2022 at 10:30 pm (Espionage, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, Spy Tales, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

    Voluptas Hedone: The daughter of Cupid and Psyche from Greek mythology

    There was a lot of Byzantine intrigue going on in the city of Constantinople (today called Istanbul).

    The city was not far from the conflict known as the Russia-Ukraine War (called a “special military operation” by Russian President Vladimir Putin and called “an attack on that place that gave my no-good bum son Hunter a job for doing nothing” by Joe Biden).

    Joe Biden had started the day in Washington DC in front of a Business Roundtable of U.S. Corporate CEOs.

    He was totally undressed except for wearing a fig leaf that covered his long dead sword and with his behind he painted the floor a very dark brown colour that Pablo Picasso would have never considered painting during his “Blue period”.

    While looking like this, Biden informed the CEOs present that from now on he was to be regarded as “the leader of the New World Order”.

    Such a proclamation had not been delivered since the days of the most insane ancient Roman Emperors.

    Even though Biden had proclaimed himself the “leader of the New World Order” the Biden Administration told the Israeli government in Jerusalem that it should be the one “mediating the war between Russia and Ukraine and bringing it to a peaceful conclusion”.

    While Israeli Prime Minister Naftali Bennett sat contemplating whether the bagel and coffee in front of him was totally kosher, he pondered Biden’s idiotic pronouncement and his idiotic passing of the buck (or was it a shekel?) to the Israeli government to peacefully end the Russia-Ukraine War.

    Meanwhile in the City of Istanbul (that city of Byzantine intrigue originally founded by the Roman Emperor Constantine) the Israeli Mossad agent codenamed the Star of Azazel was passing out blueprints of the proposed Third Temple of Jerusalem to Turkish Freemasons.

    The former Israeli Mossad agent codenamed the Controller of the Golem (who resigned his commission because he couldn’t stand the Star of Azazel’s growing influence within Mossad) managed to get ahold of one of these blueprints in an Istanbul fish market.

    He got the shock of his life.

    The proposed Third Temple was built in the shape of a giant pyramid with a giant eyeball serving as the capstone.

    Nathan (the real first name of the Controller of The Golem) sent a copy of the blue print to his friend the London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set.

    The Set Enterprises Intelligence Unit sent out Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing and the ghost of Orson Welles (who were currently staying in a chalet in Switzerland) to Istanbul to investigate.

    In a forest not far from Istanbul, Dracul and Welles’ ghost waited to rendezvous with the Controller of the Golem.

    Nathan was held up by police in Istanbul because he had accidentally spilled his hot chocolate over a photo of Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan (the would-be Sultan of a Revived Ottoman Empire) in a Turkish coffee bazaar (which was considered a capital offense in President Erdogan’s eyes).

    As Nathan used his best Kievan Jewish grandfather’s skills in trying to BS his way out of a difficult situation, Dracul and Welles’ ghost waited for him to arrive.

    Dracul decided to go sightseeing while Welles’ ghost sat on the grass sampling a spectral glass of ghostly red wine from a ghostly picnic basket as he also ate a ghostly leg of fried chicken.

    It was at the edge of the forest that Dracul Van Helsing spotted Voluptas Hedone the daughter of the Greco-Roman deities Cupid and Psyche.

    Naturally Dracul Van Helsing being Dracul Van Helsing decided to make out with her.

    Voluptas Hedone was only happy to oblige.

    As the breeze of the forest seemed to sing that old song Roll Me Over In The Clover, Welles’ ghost and the Controller of The Golem approached the scene.

    “Wow, Dracul, you should see what the Holy of Holies in the Third Temple of Jerusalem is going to look like,” Welles’ ghost stated.

    Then he saw what Van Helsing and Voluptas Hedone were doing.

    “Holy of Holies!” Welles’ ghost exclaimed.

    -A vampire novel chapter
    written by Christopher
    Tuesday March 22nd
    2022.

    Permalink 2 Comments

    Angie Lamarr

    March 9, 2022 at 11:16 pm (Espionage, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Politics, Spy Tales, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

    Angie Lamarr is a secret agent for the Set Enterprises Intelligence Unit

    The London based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set had just hired a new woman to join the Set Enterprises Intelligence Unit team.

    Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster exploded his lobster tank when he saw her.

    After getting a new lobster tank, Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster had a vision of what Angie Lamarr’s first assignment would be.

    It was to join British MP Renfield R. Renfield in overthrowing the corrupt and despotic Justin Trudeau government.

    After the government was overthrown, Neo-Stalinist tyrant Justin Trudeau, his Nazi/Communist hybrid hag henchwoman Chrystia Freeland, his scumbag Public Security Minister, his scumbag Federal Minister of (In) Justice, corrupt Liberal Party appointed judges who denied bail to Freedom Convoy truckers or granted bail but denied them their Charter rights of free speech while out on bail, scumbag Nazi SS/Gestapo members of the RCMP who wanted to freeze a whole bunch of Canadians’ bank accounts and scumbag directors of the Canadian Bankers Association who said frozen bank accounts would be flagged for life found themselves tied face downwards and attached to strong ropes tied to the back of Angie Lamarr’s motorcycle.

    “Hit it, Angie,” Renfield smiled and gave her the thumbs up.

    Angie then hit the gas and started cruising down the highway looking for adventure or whatever comes her way.

    Born to be wild.

    Needless to say the rope burn and roadburn that the corrupt totalitarian inclined scumbags received was excruciatingly painful.

    “I’ve got a complaint,” the whiny and petty pig-faced tyrant Justin Trudeau snivelled when the ride was over.

    “You’ve got a complaint?” The world’s most handsome and charismatic black cat Midnight Noggles said atop his perch on the refrigerator as he watched the news.

    Noggles sent some of the dry pieces of cat food crumbling to the floor as he always did when his brainless owners gave him dry cat food to eat instead of the wet and moist cat food that he loved and craved.

    “You’ve got a complaint?” Noggles went on, “What about me? I’m forced to eat this dry cat food junk. I need and require moist cat food. What is it with these petty stupid humans feeding me dry cat food? Gods such as myself require moist wet cat food. I’m going to continue throwing these dry pellets off the refrigerator on to the floor until such time as these stupid chumps only feed me wet moist cat food.”

    Noggles continued to throw the pieces of dry cat food on to the floor while the corrupt and despotic totalitarian inclined scumbags writhed and screamed in agony at the back of Angie Lamarr’s motorcycle on television.

    -A vampire novel chapter
    written by Christopher
    Wednesday March 9th
    2022.

    Permalink 27 Comments

    Svetlana Kireeva Visits London

    January 24, 2022 at 11:42 pm (Espionage, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, Romance, Spy Tales, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

    Evoking an atmosphere reminiscent of an Anne Rice character in a James Bond film, the beautiful Russian vampiress secret agent Svetlana Kireeva was meeting British MP Renfield R. Renfield in an upscale London restaurant

    British actor Rowan Atkinson (who played Mr. Bean on TV and in film) who was dining in the restaurant remarked to his teddy bear, “Teddy I see you’re walking softly on the elegant white table cloth and carrying a big cinammon stick.”

    It was a good thing Teddy had a big cinammon stick as Mr. Bean liked his coffee stirred and not shaken.

    Svetlana and Renfield were meeting to lay plans for a Russian invasion of Kiev.

    Renfield noted that the past two Presidents of Ukraine were puppets of George Soros.

    Hence why they were such good friends with senile old fool Joe Biden and his crack cocaine pipe smoking son Hunter.

    Renfield said, “My former boss the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set got a friend of his the ancient Greek enchantress and sorceress Circe to turn NATO troops into swine. Thus when Biden says NATO can easily counter Russian troops in Ukraine, it amounts to little more than hogwash.”

    “And should a traditional Catholic priest perform an exorcism on Biden, we may have a second miracle of the Gadarene Swine,” Svetlana smiled.

    -A vampire novel chapter
    written by Christopher
    Monday January 24th
    2022.

    Permalink 17 Comments

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