Dr. Cadbury Rocher and His Incredible Self-Driving Car

April 4, 2017 at 4:31 pm (Comedy, Entertainment, Humour, Science, Technology, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

Dr. Cadbury Rocher who was Set Enterprises’ chief resident scientist had just invented a self-driving motor vehicle- one he told his boss the London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set was far more advanced and better than anything currently being tested or in production.

In fact as the ever enthusiastic Dr. Rocher pointed out to his boss Set (who was busy reading his copy of Anne Rice’s Ramses The Damned: The Passion of Cleopatra at the time and didn’t enjoy being interrupted), the new Rocher Le Pied de Hermes should probably go down in history as the greatest self-driving car ever invented.

Set wasn’t sure whether he wanted to personally finance the mass production, distribution and marketing of this new product the Rocher Le Pied de Hermes.

After all while some of Dr. Rocher’s ideas were brilliant, others were total disasters (such as his most recent attempt to genetically re-create the winged horse Pegasus of Greek mythology).

Dr. Rocher was insistent that his new product could easily hit the market this fall- the design and quality and ease with which it could be “mass manufactured” (Cadbury’s words as he ate a Cadbury Caramilk bar) were so “positively brilliant” (Rocher’s words as he ate a Ferrero Rocher).

Set agreed to a test of the new self-driving vehicle.

He’d bring along an important City of London investor Donald Mahatma Ahmad Campbell Singh Khan (whose personal results from a DNA test he took through Ancestry.com’s DNA testing kit had astounded the entire world).

He would see if he could get the Campbell Singh Khan Investors’ Group to put up all the money for the mass production, distribution and marketing of the new self-driving Rocher Le Pied De Hermes.

Set would hold a 51% share of the new car company since it was his scientist who designed the car.

Campbell Singh Khan agreed to view the new vehicle in a road test before deciding to put up the risk money for the entire venture.

The day of the test came.

Dr. Cadbury Rocher wore racing goggles for the test (even though he wouldn’t be driving as the car would drive itself), Set was still busy reading his copy of the Rices’ new book Ramses The Damned: The Passion of Cleopatra, Campbell Singh Khan was busy eating a plate of Scottish haggis, chicken curry and fafa beans falafel, Renfield R. Renfield was busy eating tuna fish sandwiches, Amadeus Emanon appeared to be eating everything but the kitchen sink and Athelstan the personal butler and valet to Set was standing there holding a tea pot.

When the test was over, Dr. Cadbury Rocher, Set, Renfield, Amadeus and Athelstan had retired to a nearby pub in total shock.

Silence reigned at the pub table.

Finally Renfield broke the silence.

“Well,” Renfield spoke feeling somewhat sorry for himself, “I suppose the responsibility will fall on my shoulders to inform his widow Mrs. Campbell Singh Khan of the tragic circumstances of his death.”

“You can tell her he died for the advancement of science,” Dr. Rocher suggested.

“True,” Renfield nodded, “he will have had the honour of being the first person in recorded history to have been killed in a hit and run accident involving a self-driving motor vehicle.”

“Make sure you get her to sign a waiver saying she won’t sue Set Enterprises for gross negligence,” Set directed as he stared at his vampiric reflection in his glass of beer.

“I wonder how much food they’ll serve at the luncheon following his funeral,” Amadeus mused aloud.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday April 4th
2017.

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Nostradamus And The Force Awakens

December 7, 2015 at 8:09 pm (Culture, Entertainment, Film, Folklore, Horror, Movies, News, Science-Fiction, Technology, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

Nostradamus and The Force Awakens

Vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing and Peter Whitstable the Fox Mulder of Interpol were discussing a movie that both men had seen when they were younger but neither man could remember the name.

The plot was about a movie within a movie.

A movie was opening in a small single cinema theatre.

The movie was about a group of young people opening up the grave of Nostradamus to locate his golden (or was it silver?) mask.

Outside the theatre, a group of young people were preparing for opening night of this movie.

Two friends were excited about seeing the film.

A beautiful young woman who worked as an usherette at the cinema was putting on her short skirted usherette uniform.

And so on.

And so forth.

In the lobby of the cinema, there was a motorcycle with a mannequin sitting on it wearing the Mask of Nostradamus.

When the movie started, it showed a group of young people in France opening up the grave of Nostradamus.

A movie theatre goer returning from the washroom decided to take off the Mask of Nostradamus from the motorcycle riding mannequin in the lobby.

At the same time on the movie screen in the theatre, someone was removing the Mask of Nostradamus from Nostradamus’ corpse.

The movie goer in the cinema lobby then put on the Mask of Nostradamus himself.

On the screen within the movie, one of the young people desecrating and robbing Nostradamus’ grave likewise put on the mask in the movie.

The young person in the movie screamed and threw off the mask as he received an instantaneous case of facial boils as well as the bubonic plague through contact with the mask.

The young person in the lobby likewise screamed when he came down with the exact same ailments (facial boils and bubonic plague) after coming into contact with the mask.

Anyways what happened to the young people in the movie in that graveyard in France likewise happened to the young people in that single theatre cinema in a small American city.

“That was an interesting film,” Dracul commented, “never saw it again on television or video or anywhere else. I first saw it in a single cinema theatre myself which made it more terrifying given the premises of the plot. Those were the days before the advent of the multiplex cineplexes. There was the occasional duplex cinemas which had two theatres. There was something quaint and cozy about those old single theatre cinemas. Not many left anymore.”

“And like me, you can’t remember the name of the film?” Peter Whitstable scratched his head.

“No,” Dracul shook his head, “I’m still trying to remember the name of a movie I saw on TCM a few months ago about a guy who visited a beautiful woman with a lovely singing voice who lived in a house on the moon every time he time travelled between the present and the past.”

“I hate that when you can’t remember the name of something,” Whitstable grimaced then laughed.

“It can be very aggravating at times,” Dracul Van Helsing agreed.

“You’re probably wondering why I brought that movie up,” Whitstable queried.

“I suspect there’s method to your madness,” Dracul smiled.

“Are you familiar with the research of the lovely biochemist and geneticist Victoria Chang at the University of Maryland?” Whistable inquired.

“No, I’m not,” Dracul replied, “how lovely is she?”.

“Very lovely, indeed,” Whitstable answered, “anyways Miss Chang has discovered a trace of alien ET DNA within the human genome. Dating back roughly around 6000 years ago- about the time the angelic Watchers were said to have mated with mortal human women according to Genesis Chapter 6 and the 1st Book of Enoch. The time period also spoken of by ancient alien astronaut theorists on the History Channel TV program Ancient Aliens.”

“That’s interesting,” Dracul acknowledged, “but what does that have to do with the Nostradamus film you mentioned?”.

“Well, I was recently contacted by a film editor who works in the movie industry,” Whitstable explained, “he was one of the many editors who worked on the new Star Wars film The Force Awakens. He says a new scene has suddenly been added to the movie and he finds it somewhat strange. So he managed to clandestinely email me the scene. I too found it strange. So on a lark or maybe call it a psychic hunch, I emailed the scene to Victoria Chang and told her to show it to some of her subjects in her alien ET human genome research.”

“And what happened when Miss Chang showed that scene to her alien ET human genome subjects?” Dracul inquired.

“Well,” Peter wrote down the X-Files slogan The Truth Is Out There on the piece of paper in front of him, “some of the subjects actually turned into ETs- gray aliens or little green men and women and a few into raving multi-headed monsters with bulging eyes and reptilian claws.”

“Those in the last category mentioned will presumably be able to get jobs with the IRS, ” Dracul reflected thoughtfully.

“But according to Miss Chang’s hypothesis,” Peter Whitstable helped himself to one of the James Bond style martinis that Van Helsing had made, “every one on the planet has a slight trace of this alien ET DNA within their genetic make-up. So what will happen when millions and millions of people go into movie theatres to see what will probably be the biggest movie blockbuster of this decade Star Wars The Force Awakens? Will viewing that particular scene likewise trigger the alien ET DNA in their bodies and turn numerous theatre goers into alien grays or little green beings or multi-headed monsters with bulging eyes and reptilian claws?”.

“It will be déjà vu Nostradamus all over again,” Dracul sipped his own martini, “although hopefully minus the facial boils and outbreak of bubonic plague.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday December 5th
2015.

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Don Juan Rising: Man and Transhuman

April 7, 2015 at 6:54 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, Mystery/horror, Satire, Technology, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Don Juan Rising: Man and Transhuman

Renfield R. Renfield the genetically created hamster/human Chief of Security and Intelligence Gathering for the London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set was practicing a political speech in front of the living room’s antique Louis XIV Sun King mirror much to his friend Amadeus Emanon’s amusement.

A couple of years earlier, Renfield had founded the British Transhumanist Techno-Progressive Anti Bio-Conservative Party.

Unfortunately Renfield had not come up with the required number of signatures for his party to be recognized as a registered political party in Britain so he was unable to take part in recent leaders’ election debates or in future leaders’ election debates.

Thus not being a registered party, his candidates had to run as independent candidates in the UK’s various constituencies.

Although there were not that many members of his Party running as candidates anyways.

There were only 10 other candidates running as independents on the British Transhumanist Techno-Progressive Anti-Bio Conservative Party platform throughout the United Kingdom’s 650 constituencies.

Of these, 9 were thirty something in age long-haired and bearded science-fiction fans who were still living in their parents’ basements.

The 10th was the Welsh Vampiress Morgana (a niece of the sorceress Morgan Le Fay) who was running as an independent on the British Transhumanist Techno-Progressive Anti Bio-Conservative Party platform against well-known far far Left backbench British Labour MP Magog Rhys Petley (who unbeknownst to his constituents and the public at large was a werewolf) in the Welsh constituency of Newbridge.

Renfield himself was running as an Independent on the British Transhumanist Techno-Progressive Anti Bio-Conservative Party platform in the constituency of London Collingwood Hills where his boss the Vampire Set’s colossal mansion was located.

The constituency had been a British Conservative Party stronghold for the past 70 years.

At an all-candidates’ forum in the Constituency last week, Renfield extolled the virtues of living in a society where everybody had upgraded to the new Humanity 2.0 and had become Transhuman.

“It’s the next step in our human evolution,” Renfield waved a copy of The Origin of Species, “Charles Darwin, if he weren’t dead, would have been so proud.”

Renfield said that recent developments in the fields of genetics, robotics, artificial intelligence, nanotechnology and synthetic biology would allow everyone to become Transhuman.

“Think of where technology has taken us these past 100 years,” Renfield enthused, “why 100 years ago only people who lived in your own neighbourhood or own town or city might have known that you’re an idiot. But today thanks to advanced technology and social networking sites such as Twitter, YouTube and Facebook, you now have the chance to show the entire world what an idiot you are.”

The remark did not go over too well for some reason.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday April 7th
2015.

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Is AI (Artificial Intelligence) A Threat To Humanity? – A News Bulletin

January 28, 2015 at 8:04 pm (Commentary, News, Quotations and Sayings of Dracul Van Helsing, Satire, Science, Technology) (, , , )

Is AI (Artificial Intelligence) A Threat To Humanity? – A News Bulletin

Radio news announcer: In a statement released today, Microsoft said that “Artificial Intelligence will not kill us.”
This bulletin just in… Microsoft owner Bill Gates has been found strangled by his robot butler after Gates refused to grant the robotic valet a night off for a date with a robotic lookalike of Shakira…

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