Donald Trump: I’m The Second Coming of God and There’s Something Rotten In The State of Denmark

August 21, 2019 at 10:48 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, Horror, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, News, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

Donald Trump: I’m The Second Coming of God and There’s Something Rotten In The State of Denmark

Donald Trump was sitting up in his high chair in the White House dining room with a bib around his neck and his arms folded and was busy pouting, “Well, I’m not going to go to Denmark if I can’t buy Greenland. I’m going to cancel my state visit to Denmark so there.”

“Very good, sir,” Lexington his British butler and valet sighed, “Are you planning on finishing your mashed peas?”.

He pointed towards Trump’s plate.

“No, I’m not,” Trump answered in petulant fashion, “I don’t have to eat my mashed peas if I don’t want to.”

The President threw his spoon on the floor in a childish temper tantrum.

Lexington removed the spoon from the floor and the plate of mashed peas from the President’s high chair tray.

When Lexington left the room, Trump turned his attention to his long suffering teddy bear in the next high chair and started complaining to him, “WAAAAH! Danish Prime Minister Mette Frederiksen called my offer to buy Greenland “absurd”. How dare she call it absurd! Calling it an absurd idea. That was a nasty thing to say. All she had to say was “no”. But she called it an absurd idea. That was so nasty! What sort of person goes around saying nasty things?”.

Trump picked up his smart phone and quickly tweeted that Jews who voted for the Democratic Party were “traitors”.

He also tweeted more uncomplimentary language about the 4 Democratic Congresswomen whom he now referred to as “AOC plus three”.

Lexington returned with Donald Trump’s dessert and put it down on the high chair tray in front of the President.

“Lexington!” Trump ordered, “I want you to call Ivanka and get her to summon an emergency meeting of the cabinet and national security council. I’m going to sign an Executive Order proclaiming that all Cinnamon Danish buns bought and sold in the U.S. can no longer be called Cinnamon Danish buns. They’ll have to be called Cinnamon Florida buns. Florida is a great state. Denmark isn’t. There’s something rotten in the state of Denmark.”

“Very good, sir,” Lexington left the dining room to call Ivanka.

Trump turned his attention back to his long suffering teddy bear, “Teddy, you know what a conservative political commentator said about me and Israeli Jews. He said Israeli Jews (who aren’t traitors) think of me as the new King of Israel and the Second Coming of God.”

Despite his inanimate state, the long suffering teddy bear grimaced into a sheer expression of horror (the same expression that Mr. Bean’s teddy bear had on his face the night Mr. Bean lost his virginity).

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher 
Wednesday August 21st
2019.


Summoning the spirit behind the new King of Israel and the 2nd Coming of God

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Pan Goatee Slays More Fat Ugly Blimps While Trump Is Pissed Off At Renfield

August 17, 2019 at 10:53 pm (Aesthetics, Culture, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

Pan Goatee Slays More Fat Ugly Blimps While Trump Is Pissed Off At Renfield

Genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee had all the ingredients to make a Ralph Petley Jones Special Grilled Cheese Sandwich save one (the recipe was developed by a famous Welsh ex-Mountie who once owned an acreage near Fairmont Hot Springs in British Columbia).

The recipe consisted of putting huge slabs of butter on four slices of bread.

Then put a large slice of cheese on each of the four slices of bread.

Then put several large slices of onion on each slice of cheese.

Then put another large slice of cheese atop the onions on each slice of bread.

Then put the slices of bread together so you’ve got two huge sandwiches.

Put in the oven or microwave until the cheese melts.

And voila! Delicisio! 

Goatee had plenty of butter and plenty of bread and plenty of onions.

But alas! No cheese slices.

So he walked to the grocery store to buy some.

He was in luck as there were both cheese slices in the store as well as loads of beautiful women walking around the store (something very rare indeed for the city he lived in!).

After Goatee had purchased his cheese slices, he walked out the door.

The poor satyr serial killer’s luck ran out as a fat ugly blimp came waddling up the sidewalk pushing a grocery cart.

To the right on the other side of the fat ugly blimp, there was an extremely stupid looking guy standing on the sidewalk looking like an idiot holding an empty grocery cart.

Because of the said inconsiderate idiot standing there holding an empty grocery cart, it made it difficult for Goatee to maneuver past the fat ugly blimp as the elephantine sized creature took up a wide portion of the sidewalk.

Goatee immediately beheaded the fat ugly blimp remarking, “That’s what you get for not making a New Year’s resolution to lose weight this year and for not buying environmentally friendly paper bags to put over your head when you go out in public.”

Goatee then kicked the fat ugly blimp’s head as far as McMahon Stadium where the sight of the fat ugly blimp’s head landing on the football field caused the Calgary Stampeders to lose their first home CFL game to the visiting Montreal Alouettes since 2009.

Behind the beheaded fat ugly blimp was the blimp’s mother who surprisingly was a fairly good looking woman.

However on the other side of the mother was the beheaded fat ugly blimp’s fat ugly blimp younger sister.

“Don’t you know that you’re not supposed to emulate your elder siblings,” Goatee remarked as he beheaded the fat ugly blimp younger sister.

“Now you’re not ugly but you gave birth to ugly children,” Goatee stated as he beheaded the mother, “Haven’t you ever heard of contraception and birth control?”.

The mother of blimps was far too dead to answer Goatee’s question.

Goatee then turned his attention to the stupid looking moron who was standing there looking like an idiot holding an empty grocery cart that took up another large part of the sidewalk.

“Because of your innate stupidity, asshole, in standing there looking like an idiot holding on to an empty grocery cart at the same time that fat ugly blimps are waddling down the sidewalk, it makes it difficult for decent folk to get by,” Goatee noted as he beheaded the said idiot.

The city’s collective IQ jumped by vast percentage points after Goatee had beheaded the said idiot.

Meanwhile down in the U.S. a foaming Donald Trump was meeting with a member of the U.S. State Department.

“Why did British authorities in Gibraltar release the Iranian oil tanker Grace 1 that most likely was carrying Iranian oil to Syria?” Trump foamed at the mouth as he fell over backwards.

“They most likely did it on the recommendation of one Renfield R. Renfield who’s Britain’s new Deputy Foreign Secretary In Charge of Geopolitical Intelligence Gathering,” the State Department official answered.

“How dare this Renfield character do that!” Trump pounded his desk after getting back up in his chair, “What’s his Twitter user name? I’m going to tell that bastard off in one of my profound and brilliantly written Twitter tweets.”

“I’m afraid this Renfield R. Renfield doesn’t have a Twitter account,” the State Department official answered.

“What?” Trump started foaming at the mouth again, “What sort of person doesn’t have a Twitter account? How am I supposed to insult someone and cast my juvenile BS (to quote Rep. Ilhan Omar) opprobrium on them if they don’t have a Twitter account?”.

“I have no idea, sir,” the State Department official started watching an old silent movie on his smart phone.

“Besides which every moron in the world is supposed to have a Twitter account,” Trump proclaimed.

“Most do, sir,” the State Department official noted.

“See, I rest my case,” Trump smiled.

Meanwhile in the waters off Gibraltar, the Grace 1 had changed its name to the Adrian Darya while the ghostly ship wreckage of the Andrea Doria floated by.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday August 17th
2019.

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Sherrielock Holmes Encounters A Mad Monk

August 13, 2019 at 10:53 pm (Espionage, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

Sherrielock Holmes Encounters A Mad Monk

Sherrielock Holmes

World-famous London dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes had been summoned to the office of British Prime Minister David Lloyd George on the advice of Winston Churchill.

She was to undertake an important mission to Russia on behalf of the British Empire and the British Intelligence Service.

She was flown to Russia by aeroplane flown by her husband Dr. Louis Rocher.

She arrived in Saint Petersburg and set out for Moika Palace the home of Prince Felix Yusupov.

There she would deal with a man whom British Intelligence considered a major threat to both the Russian Empire and the Entente War effort against Imperial Germany, the Ottoman Empire and the Austro-Hungarian Empire.

However she was late getting to Moika Palace because she found herself being accosted by a horny American diplomat from the U.S. Embassy in Saint Petersburg.

The horny leech’s name was McDonald Grump and he had been a crooked real estate salesman and property developer in New York City as well as a notorious bully and racist.

Sherrielock tried to be as polite as she could but the horny leech would not take no for an answer.

Finally she kicked Grump in the balls and left him on the street.

“I plan to send a nasty telegram in 140 words or less about this,” Grump called out.

“Frankly, I don’t give a tweet,” Sherrielock answered as she continued to walk down the street without looking back.

“But I do,” Grump snivelled, “and I’ll have you know that someone like me will probably become President of the United States someday.”

“Probably not for another 100 years,” Sherrielock continued to walk down the street in the early morning hours of December 30th (December 17th on the old Julian calendar) 1916.

When she arrived at the home of Prince Felix Yusupov, she thought she had arrived too late to help eliminate the Russian Czarist government’s problem.

The problem individual had been offered cyanide cakes and tea by the prince.

The “problem” ate the cakes and drank the tea.

Then the “problem” man asked for Madeira wine which had also been poisoned.

He drank 3 glasses but still showed no sign of distress.

Around 2:30 AM, Yusopov went upstairs, returned with a pistol and shot the “problem” in the chest.

The “problem” fell to the floor.

Yusupov left and returned later to dispose of the body.

The “problem” rose up and attacked him.

He then ran out to the palace courtyard where the “problem” was shot twice by one of Yusupov’s co-conspirators.

The problem collapsed into a snow bank.

The prince and his co-conspirators wrapped the problem up in a blanket, drove to the Petrovsky Bridge and dropped the body in the Malaya Nevka River.

Sherrielock by some sort of instinct decided to take a walk along the Malaya Nevka River.

A good thing she did because at one point the “problem” man got up out of the ice bound river and attacked her.


Sherrielock Holmes about to be attacked.

Sherrielock used her scorpion poisoned laced pink fingernail polished fingernails to scratch the man’s arms.

He fell to the ground.

She pulled the man’s pants down and proceeded to tomato his buttocks with her Lingzhi Supernatural mushroom laced and English malt vinegar laced cat o’ nine tails whip.

The man finally gave up the ghost after crying, “My butt hurts.”

Sherrielock then picked up the body of the “mad monk” Grigori Rasputin and threw it back into the River.

-A vampire novel chapter 
written by Christopher
Tuesday August 13th
2019.

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Svengali The Diabolical Shrimp Causes Power Blackout

August 9, 2019 at 10:53 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

Svengali The Diabolical Shrimp Causes Power Blackout

A major power blackout occurred in England and Wales today.

Set Enterprises’ Dr. Cadbury Rocher asked Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster to use his psychic powers to determine the cause.

This is what Michelangelo came up with after receiving a vision.

Months earlier the evil Jesuit priest and scientist Father Caiaphas bar Yochai was becoming quite upset about how British MP Renfield R. Renfield and the Welsh vampiress Morgana were upsetting the best laid plans of demons and evil deities.

He resolved to do something to solve this problem.

Of course one of the most powerful weapons in the arsenal of Renfield and Morgana was Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster.

If only, Father Caiaphas chewed his pentagram decorated fingernails, he could come up with a diabolical equivalent of Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster.

When he had finished chewing off his pentagram decorated fingernails, Father Caiaphas took off his shoes and socks in the booth in the Rome taverna he was sitting in and started working on his pentagram decorated toe nails.

It just so happened that the Kraken Napoleon VI (leader of the French Aquarian Age Bonapartist Party) was sitting across from him drinking kegs full of Jamaican rum.

The Kraken was amused by the sight of this priest chewing off his pentagram decorated fingernails and toe nails.

After drinking so many kegs of rum, the Kraken was totally oblivious to the fact that this particular priest had sold his soul to the forces of darkness many years ago.

In this state of alcohol induced oblivion, the Kraken struck up a conversation with the priest.

Father Caiaphas, who had been drinking bottles and bottles of Andres Baby Duck Sparkling Wine, had his guard down and told the Kraken his predicament.

The Kraken (unaware that Father Caiaphas was being serious and not joking) gave the sinister cleric an idea.

He suggested a perfect satanic antithesis of Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster should be a creature called Svengali the Diabolical Shrimp (shrimp as in the seafood creature you get with sweet and sour sauce in Chinese restaurants).

Alter a shrimp in a test tube and add demonic DNA from a demon, the Kraken suggested before passing out after drinking too many kegs of Jamaican rum.

The Kraken’s wife Medusa (the former Gorgon) walked through the door of the taverna and had to literally drag the Kraken back to the hotel room where they were staying in Rome.

Father Caiaphas bar Yochai thought the idea of Svengali the Diabolical Shrimp as a satanic antithesis of Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster was a splendid idea.

It was a good thing for the sinister Jesuit that he had run into the rum consuming Kraken Napoleon VI.

Otherwise being a typical modernist progressive Jesuit priest, he wouldn’t have had the imagination or sense of humour to come up with a concept such as Svengali the Diabolical Shrimp.

So Father Caiaphas went and bought a live shrimp from a Rome seafood market (the shop owner found it strange that someone would only buy one shrimp) and then went to his laboratory.

He summoned the demon Mephistopheles (to whom Faust had sold his soul) and extracted DNA from the aforementioned demon which he inserted into the shrimp.

After months of gestation in a test tube (while listening to the collected speeches of Donald Trump), the shrimp emerged.

As his first test, Father Caiphas asked Svengali the Diabolical Shrimp to cause power outages in both England and Wales which were Renfield and Morgana’s respective home countries.

Svengali’s mind had not yet developed to the point where the creature could use his telekinetic powers to disable the electrical power grid of England and Wales with his mind.

However like his name sake, Svengali could mesmerize and psychically manipulate.

It just so happened that there lived an evil kraken in the North Sea named Krakenus Maleficentus.

Svengali directed the North Sea kraken to head to the United Kingdom and got the creature to eat two power generators.

This “unexpected and unusual” event (in the words of British authorities) caused problems affecting vast swathes of England and Wales on Friday afternoon and into the evening.

London and most of southeast England were affected by the National Grid failure as were the Midlands, Southwest and Northeast of England and much of Wales.

Many trains and train stations went down (and people were stranded) including the famous King’s Cross station.

The situation was saved by a little 9-year-old girl named Amanda who was using spells from a Harry Potter book to try to bring 3 garden gnomes (who sat in the basket of a painted white bicycle lawn ornament on her house’s front lawn) to life.

The 3 gnomes who were named Wynkin, Blynkin and Nod stole Renfield’s sweet and sour shrimp (during the power outage in the Chinese restaurant he was sitting in at the time) and fed it to the North Sea kraken Krakenus Maleficentus when they saw him.

The North Sea kraken had a severe dietary allergy to shrimp and vomited up the two power generators it had eaten.

Eventually and slowly power was restored across England and Wales.

“And now you know the rest of the story,” Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster typed on his waterproof iPad with his lobster claws before falling asleep.

-A vampire novel chapter 
written by Christopher 
Friday August 9th
2019.

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Allatallahbel In The Bathtub

August 6, 2019 at 10:24 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , )

Allatallahbel In The Bathtub

This sight greeted Samhain Cardinal Salaman when he walked into his apartment’s bathroom to take a bath.

It was Allatallahbel the Vampiress Priestess of Baal.

“Allatallahbel!” Said an astounded Cardinal Salaman in his bathrobe dressing gown.

“Thinking of taking a bath?” She purred like a cat with the undertones of a lioness underneath.

“Well, I was…” Cardinal Salaman put down his shampoo and bath soap.

“I’ll let you take a bath eventually, your Eminence,” Allatallahbel stood up in her spiked stiletto high heeled shoes leaving indentations in the Cardinal’s bathtub, “but I want you to stroll the corridors of the Vatican with me first. There are things I want to show you.”

“You want me to stroll the corridors of the Vatican in my bath robe?” Cardinal Salaman inquired.

“I’ve seen clergymen running around the corridors of the Vatican wearing a lot less,” the vampiress smiled.

Cardinal Salaman had to admit that was true.

So Allatallahbel and the Cardinal went for a midnight stroll around the Vatican.

They saw the ghost of the late Soviet dictator Josef Stalin enter the apartment lodgings of Pope Francis.

“What are they doing meeting one another?” Cardinal Salaman was surprised.

“Stalin has been giving Francis some advice on how to restructure the John Paul II Institute in Rome,” Allatallahbel replied.

They entered a chapel where the demon Baphomet was playing jungle drums while a shaman from the Amazon rain forest did a sun dance.

They eventually got around to the high altar of Saint Peter’s Basilica where Amorous Laetita the familiar black cat of Hecate the Greek goddess of witchcraft lay asleep on the altar.

“I really don’t think it’s good for me to be here,” Cardinal Salaman remarked.

“What’s the matter, your Eminence?” Allatallahbel put a black painted fingernail against his lips, “Has the cat got your tongue?”.

The cardinal’s bathrobe fell to the floor.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday August 6th
2019.

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Samhain Cardinal Salaman and The Fountain

July 30, 2019 at 9:48 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) ()

Samhain Cardinal Salaman and The Fountain 

Vatican Cardinal Samhain Salaman (a former professional stage magician turned cardinal) was sitting in a Rome coffee bar drinking a cappuccino.

The coffee bar was across from a small fountain.

One of many scattered throughout the city.

Although the fountain did not have the famous name of the illustrious Fountain of Trevi, people still threw coins in the fountain and made wishes.

A small figure of Cupid being chased by a wolf stood atop the fountain.

Definitely unusual subject matter, Cardinal Salaman thought to himself as he sipped his cappuccino.

The cardinal often enjoyed sitting in this particular bar sipping a coffee beverage and watching the fountain and people throwing coins into it.

The place was far enough away from the Vatican itself that he didn’t have to worry about running into a cardinal or bishop.

Salaman found all the backstabbing and intrigue that went on around the Vatican a bit tiresome at times.

Here he could sit quietly and enjoy the Roman sun and watch people go by.

He had noticed yesterday what looked to be a type of seaweed growing around the statue of Cupid that he hadn’t noticed before.

Oddly enough the seaweed wasn’t growing on the statue of the wolf.

Today that seaweed seemed to have grown even more around Cupid’s statue particularly around his neck and gave the appearance of strangling the little cherub.

The sight made Cardinal Samhain think of an unusual story that he had heard a couple of months ago.

There was apparently a large piece of seaweed that had come out of the water down at the port of Marseille in France and had started eating people.

Then the seaweed went back into the water from whence it came.

So seaweed eating people down on the docks in southern France and now seaweed strangling the Roman god of love in a fountain.

The cardinal stood up, paid his bill and walked down the street in the direction of the Vatican.

And watched the sun set on the Eternal City.

-A vampire novel chapter 
written by Christopher
Tuesday July 30th
2019.

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Hades Emergency Meeting

July 29, 2019 at 10:52 pm (Aesthetics, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

Hades Emergency Meeting

“Ugly looking female teen stoat/ human hybrids grow up to be ugly looking adult female stoat/human hybrids,” Pan Goatee remarked as he beheaded the ugly looking female stoat/human hybrid as she was riding a bicycle down the street.

Meanwhile down in the Underworld, the Greek god Hades (who was known as Pluto to the ancient Romans) was holding an emergency meeting with his advisors on the huge number of repulsive looking spirits that were showing up daily from Calgary to cross the River Styx over to the Underworld.

Said a phlegmatic Phlegyas (who was extra phlegmatic this morning because he had eaten a full English breakfast as opposed to his usual continental breakfast), “We’re having to have orangutans wearing special darkened glass visors (whereby they see the shades of the dead as mere shades) hand out paper bags at the ferry docks for Charon’s boat to any Caucasian female soul arriving from Calgary on the high probability that they’re quite repulsively ugly. They are instructed to put the paper bags over their heads for the crossing across the river Styx. This is to prevent the occurrence of unstoppable vomiting on the part of both Charon the ferryman and Cerberus the 3-headed dog (all of whose 3 heads immediately start vomiting simultaneously) upon seeing the said hideous spirits.”

“Hopefully this will put an end to the problem,” said Hades.

“Until Pan Goatee manages to find the sinister Nazi criminal network responsible for breeding a certain type of brainless male with female walruses, stoats and gargoyles that’s producing these hideous looking hybrids by the thousands in that poor city,” Phlegyas coughed up more phlegm.

Meanwhile on the Caribbean Island of Little Saint James (owned by Jeffrey Epstein), the Caribbean Sea kraken Uhluhtc (666 meters tall) was strolling across the island accompanied by a Haitian voodoo high priest Samedi.

Uhluhtc stood on one spot and grunted.

Samedi waved to one of the island employees who no doubt lived on the nearby island of Saint Thomas.

Samedi spoke to the island employee, “The Great Kraken says that while he lived in the depths of the Caribbean, he had a vision of a great Temple that stood on this spot. The Temple was guarded by two small statues of owl wearing goddesses. He wonders what happened to this Temple.”

“It was torn down a while ago,” the employee answered.

Uhluhtc once again grunted.

“What did he say?” The employee inquired.

“He said merde,” Samedi answered.

Meanwhile in New York City, Peter Whitstable the man they called the Fox Mulder of Interpol was sitting in his hotel room where he was receiving information about much bizarre occurrences occurring across the world the past few days.

The Celtic stag god Cernunnos had been spotted on a Florida golf course this past weekend drinking a bottle of Dalmore Port Wood Reserve single malt whisky and slaying a bunch of country club Republicans on the golf course with his bow and arrow.

Meanwhile in Vienna, the infernal Underworld centaur Acheronus had been seen killing diplomats with his bow and arrow at various hotels across the city.

In Canada, reports of the ghost of Albert Johnson (the man they called The Mad Trapper of Rat River) had been seen at various locales in Canada.

Johnson (who had killed 3 people) had eluded the Royal Canadian Mounted Police for more than a month in a massive manhunt that stretched across the Northwest Territories and the Yukon Territory in northern Canada.

Johnson was killed on the Eagle River in Yukon on February 17th 1932.

Johnson’s ghost had been spotted in northern British Columbia, northern Saskatchewan and northern Manitoba.

After talking with a psychic friend of his, Whitstable was told that Johnson’s ghost was headed for the town of Lucan Biddulph in southwestern Ontario.

Whitstable was also told by the psychic that the Egyptian god Thoth was currently in the town.

“What the Hell,” Whitstable wondered, “is Thoth doing in Lucan, Ontario?”.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday July 29th
2019.

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Pan Goatee Saves Food Bank Patrons From Ravenous Elephants While Acheronus The Centaur Wreaks Havoc In Vienna

July 28, 2019 at 10:59 pm (Aesthetics, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , )

Pan Goatee Saves Food Bank Patrons From Ravenous Elephants While Acheronus The Centaur Wreaks Havoc In Vienna

The heroic genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee was walking by a food bank when he noticed a medium sized fat ugly blimp helping herself to a whole bunch of food while genuinely hungry looking patrons looked on in agony and anguish.

“So we have laissez-faire ultra- capitalism in America and apparently laissez-faire ultra-porkism in Calgary,” Goatee unsheathed his astral laser machete from his belt, “something should really be done about this.”
Goatee immediately beheaded the medium sized fat ugly blimp.

“No need for you to be fatter and uglier than you already are,” Goatee kicked the head away.

He was immediately applauded by the famished looking food bank patrons.

“God bless us, everyone,” said a famished but now happy looking Tiny Tom on crutches.

Goatee left the area of the food bank, went into a store to buy some items and then headed out down the street.

This time an even fatter fat ugly blimp was waddling down the street in the direction of the food bank.

“Who’s going to save us from the pestilence of ultra-porkism which seems to be striking this land?” Goatee shouted towards the heavens as he once again unsheathed his astral laser machete, “It appears it takes a satyr to do a mortal’s job.”

Goatee immediately beheaded this particular fat ugly blimp and once again saved the city’s most vulnerable from the ravages of famine and porcine greed.

The ghost of the German Count Ferdinand Graf von Zeppelin appeared to Goatee and thanked the satyr serial killer for ridding the world of these repulsive and hideous looking creatures who were giving blimps a bad name.

Ditto! from the President of Goodyear Tires.

. . .

The evil Centaur archer Acheronus had been named after Acheron the river of woe that flowed through the Greek underworld of Hades.

Acheronus was the antithesis of Chiron the good centaur archer.

Acheronus often slew people on behalf of the ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith as well as Allatallahbel the Vampiress Priestess of Baal who had recently seized control of the Vatican.

Today Acheronus was working for Ares the Greek god of war.

A meeting was being held today in Vienna Austria to see if the talks on Iran’s nuclear program couldn’t be kick started.

Ares of course held Roy Cohn’s pretty boy Donald Trump in the palms of his hands.

After carefully washing his hands in the Atlantic Ocean and Mediterranean Sea before heading up to Austria, Ares made a Huawei phone call to Acheronus the evil centaur.

Being a Huawei, the phone call was naturally monitored by the Black Dragon who was the supernatural entity advisor to China’s paramount leader Xi Jinping.

Acheronus had brought the Greek mind reader Yuxen with him to Vienna to read the minds of important delegates at the Vienna meeting.

Those delegates who secretly favoured war Acheronus would spare from his poisonous bow and arrow.

Those delegates who secretly favoured peace Acheronus would slay with his poisonous bow and arrow.

Acheronus had brought the woman seer and clairvoyant Yuxen along to read the minds of the delegates at the Vienna meeting and see where they stood on the issues of war and peace.

One of the concierges at Vienna’s best hotel had put in a phone call to the hotel manager.

“A centaur is running around the hotel lobby and conference rooms slaying people with his bow and arrows,” said the concierge.

“I hate it when that happens,” the hotel manager buried his head in his hands.

Meanwhile on the banks of the Danube, a small orchestra was playing The Blue Danube Waltz by Johann Strauss.

Just for something to do, Acheronus slew the conductor with one of his poisoned arrows.

The conductor died on the spot despite the fact that a Vienna music critic was in the process of writing a rave review about his efforts.

The ghost of the late Soviet dictator Josef Stalin (who had managed to slip out of Tartarus and the underworld realm of Hades by throwing Cerberus three very juicy bones) then stood up on the platform and began to conduct the orchestra in a musical melody that he Stalin had written.

The name of the musical non-masterpiece was The Red Danube (red as in blood red).

-A vampire novel chapter 
written by Christopher
Sunday July 28th
2019.

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Pan Goatee, Donald Trump, Prince Andrew and Benjamin Netanyahu

July 16, 2019 at 9:33 pm (Aesthetics, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, The Occult, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

Pan Goatee, Donald Trump, Prince
Andrew and Benjamin Netanyahu

Pan Goatee had just finished buying cans of Diet Coke in the dollar store and was walking towards the mall’s food court when he encountered two fat ugly blimps of sisters waddling around the confines of the food court.

“A blimp is a blimp by any other name,” Goatee paraphrased Shakespeare as he beheaded one of the walrus-semi-human hybrids that were unfortunately vastly (in more ways than one) indigenous to this particular locale of western Canada.

“And the same goes for you,” Goatee remarked as he beheaded the other fat ugly blimp of a sister.

Sadly both fat ugly blimps had obviously not been carried away by a tornado that had recently hit the region a couple of days earlier.

“I guess that poor twisting vortex of a funnel cloud did not want to come down with a hernia,” Goatee reflected to himself.

Meanwhile in Washington DC, Donald Trump (after talking to the ghost of Richard M. Nixon who had famously said once, “I am not a crook”) had tweeted, “I am not a racist.”

He then added, “There’s not a racist bone in my body.”

At DARPA headquarters, the head of DARPA Dr. Faustus Imhotep was trying to keep under wraps medical x-rays that showed the current U.S. President did not have a skeleton but rather a strange mass of alien slime under his skin.

Dr. Faustus Imhotep was now pondering the question, “Was Trump an illegal alien from a galaxy far, far away?”.

Meanwhile over in England, Prince Andrew was reflecting on the U.S. arrest of one of his acquaintances Jeffrey Epstein.

The radio in his room was playing an old song recorded by Ringo Starr, “You’re 16, you’re beautiful and you’re mine.”

Andrew shut the radio off as it brought back memories of a time that could possibly land him in hot water.

And at his parliamentary office in Westminster, British MP Renfield R. Renfield was looking at photos taken by Belvedere the ghost of a ghost white salamander reporter for The Times of London.

The photos were recently taken in Jerusalem.

It was at a press conference in which Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu named the South African born academic Dr. Evan Cohen as his new spokesperson to the international media.

Standing behind Netanyahu at the press conference was the Rome-based Egyptian deity Osiris and the demon Baphomet.

“Does this mean Osiris and Baphomet have formed an alliance with one another?” Amadeus Emanon asked Renfield as he looked at the photos.

“If they are, the Boss won’t be very happy about that,” Renfield remarked.

Renfield still referred to his former employer the London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set as the Boss.

The remark confused a lost American tourist as he walked down the corridors outside Renfield’s office and had come to the conclusion that this place was probably not Westminster Abbey.

Why, the tourist wondered, would Bruce Springsteen object to Osiris and Baphomet forming an alliance?

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday July 16th
2019.

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Countess Draculina On The Feast Day of Saints Peter and Paul

June 29, 2019 at 10:53 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, The Occult, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Countess Draculina On The Feast Day of Saints Peter and Paul

The Dalai Lama recently found himself in trouble with the small penis male and large dildo lesbian blowhard SJWs (social justice warriors) on Twitter when he said that if his successor was female, she should be attractive.

British news media reached out to British MP Renfield R. Renfield for comment on the Dalai Lama’s remarks since the controversial MP could usually be relied on to make some politically incorrect statement capable of offending feminists and members of the LGBTQ community alike.

Replied Renfield, “Well if the Dalai Lama has a female successor, he probably wants to ensure that she isn’t immediately beheaded by Pan Goatee as soon as she takes office.”

Meanwhile over at the G-20 summit in Osaka Japan the entity known as the Black Dragon (supernatural entity advisor to China’s paramount leader Xi Jinping) ensured that no invisible beings (especially those who were spies and secret agents for the London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set) were able to enter the room where Xi and Donald Trump held their closed door meeting.

So Set Enterprises were up “shit creek without a paddle” as far as details of that meeting were concerned.

The only thing known for sure about what went on behind closed doors at that meeting was Xi gave Trump a severed needle from a cactus plant to pass along to Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau.

Meanwhile in the City of Calgary, Pan Goatee was getting off a bus when he happened to notice a thin ugly gargoyle (as opposed to your usual fat ugly blimp) walking down the street.

“The Dalai Lama doesn’t want you as his successor,” Pan Goatee commented as he beheaded her.

He then walked in the direction of the Public Library where another thin ugly gargoyle had just exited.

“They must have closed the Aesthetics section of the public library today,” Goatee remarked as he beheaded her.

He then walked around to the other side of a shopping mall and entered.

There sitting in front of a Credit Union was an ugly mid sized cow woman with buck teeth bigger than that of Bugs Bunny.

“The Dalai Lama doesn’t want you as his successor either,” Pan Goatee spoke aloud his Sherlockian deduction as he beheaded the ugly creature, “We’re far past the days of Credit Unions headed by It’s A Wonderful Life Jimmy Stewart film characters. Nothing good comes from credit unions anymore.”

He then went to the mall’s food court where he ordered a Vietnamese style submarine sandwich.

After buying half a dozen cans of diet Coke from the Dollar Store, he then exited the mall where he encountered the hideous spectacle of a fat ugly blimp (no doubt who had just come from the pasture where she had been feeding on large quantities of everything).

“Your mama should have told you to worry about your size,” Goatee paraphrased the lyrics of a recent pop song as he beheaded her, “you’re not going to be the successor of the Dalai Lama either.”

Meanwhile over in the City of Rome, Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing and Interpol agent Peter Whitstable the Fox Mulder of Interpol were trying to stop a satanic sacrifice being performed by certain members of the Vatican College of Cardinals who were also members of a satanic cult.

But since they relied on GPS (at Whitstable’s suggestion) rather than a good old fashioned map and/or street atlas to guide them to their destination, they arrived too late to stop the sacrifice.

The satanist Cardinals had already dispersed and were going off to evening tea in Pope Francis’ apartment to discuss the upcoming Amazon Synod that would be held this October.

As Van Helsing and Whitstable walked back to their hotel, they came across the Countess Draculina (vampiress daughter of Count Dracula) kneeling in the moonlight.

“That looks like a full moon bathing Draculina in the moonlight,” Van Helsing commented, “I didn’t think there was a full moon tonight.”

Whitstable consulted his Farmer’s Almanac book (rather than his smart phone) on this topic and replied, “I guess Selene the Greek Titan goddess of the moon is drawing her chariot across the sky tonight and apparently her chariot is full moon shaped.”

Van Helsing and Draculina went to one of Rome’s hilltop gardens that night where they discussed the moon and other things.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday June 29th
2019.

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