The Attack of Slek
Pan Goatee was thinking of liking a particular blog post.
But a really repulsively ugly woman had liked that blog post and Pan didn’t want his good looking satyr face to show up alongside such a repulsive uglo.
Then he went to another blog post.
Lo and behold! the same repulsive looking uglo had liked that post as well.
Pan Goatee put his astral laser machete on auto-pilot and threw it out the window to locate and track down the repulsive looking uglo wherever the uglo happened to reside on the globe and then behead the ugly looking bitch and then cut her up into 999 trillion x infinity and beyond x ad nauseum x etc. etc. pieces.
This Pan Goatee’s astral laser machete managed to do.
. . .
Meanwhile a provincial election was going on in Alberta and Slek the demon was eating ballots 🗳️.
Slek the demon prepares to eat election ballots 🗳️ in tonight’s Alberta provincial election.
The question of course was which side was he working for?
-Written Monday May 29th 2023.
The Mummy’s Curse
The Mummy’s Ghost of Kharis was successfully sacrificed by a demon possessed elk in the CERN tunnel in Switzerland but The Flintstones Police Choir sing A Happy Anniversary in relation to the mummy’s curse of another mummy King Tut
It was 100 years ago today (April 5th 1923) that the legend of the mummy’s curse of King Tut’s tomb began with the death of George Edward Stanhope Molyneux Herbert the 5th Earl of Carnarvon (the financier behind the Howard Carter expedition that discovered King Tut’s tomb) from a fatal mosquito bite.
Not one to say Never Say Die, Kharis, unlike Tut, returned from the dead and carried off a beautiful woman on a Louisiana plantation.
Meanwhile Disney released the documentary film The Pope Answers on its channels today.
In the film Francis tells a group of teenagers in one scene that “using [gay sex hook up apps like] Tinder is normal” and the Church’s teaching on sex is “still in diapers”.
Speaking from the Hofburg Palace in Vienna where he is attending a conference, British MP Renfield R. Renfield said, “It is somehow appropriate that this documentary on Francis is being released on Wednesday in Holy Week- the day that Judas Iscariot went to the Sanhedrin to betray Christ.”
A person dressed as Mickey Mouse and wearing Sanhedrin high priestly garb was at that moment presenting Jorge Mario Bergoglio with a huge cheque for $30 billion according to a vision that Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster 🦞 was having.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday April 5th
2023.
Norse Goddess Freya: Splendour In The Grass
Norse goddess Freya: Splendour in the grass
Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing was wandering in the woods not far from Oxford University.
As he walked along, he recited William Blake’s poem Jerusalem:
…
Bring me my Bow of burning gold:
Bring me my arrows of desire:
Bring me my Spear: O clouds unfold!
Bring me my Chariot of fire!
…
Van Helsing thought he could hear a Vangelis tune playing in the distance.
As Van Helsing walked along the path, he came upon this sight:
He recognized her as the Norse goddess Freya whom he had made out with on a few occasions.
Within a few minutes, he was doing this again.
The ghost of Orson Welles was following a few footsteps behind Van Helsing.
He was reciting a few lines from Shakespeare’s The Tempest:
… the great globe itself,
Yea, all which it inherit, shall dissolve
And like this insubstantial pageant faded
Leave not a rack behind…
Welles’ ghost noticed Van Helsing had nestled himself within Freya’s lovely pair of knockers.
Welles stopped.
He concluded,
“We are such stuff as dreams
are made on, and our little life
Is rounded with a sleep.”
Belvedere The Ghost White Salamander sang those old Annie Lennox lyrics, “Sweet dreams are made of this…”
Welles suddenly noticed the Norse trickster god Loki armed with a machine gun and headed in the direction of Van Helsing and Freya.
Loki had purchased the machine gun from Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky who seemed to have a lot of arms to sell these days.
One might wonder where Zelensky was getting all these arms from.
Meanwhile in Washington DC a group of U.S. Army Generals, U.S. Navy Admirals and U.S. Air Force majors were all dressed in pink tights and tutus and performing the ballet Swan Lake for Joe and Jill Biden in honour of U.S. Armed Services Transgender ⚧️ 🏳️⚧️ Appreciation Week.
In Moscow, Russian President Vladimir Putin was asked to comment on the contemporary state of the U.S. Armed Forces under Joe Biden.
Putin replied,
“You can’t send a ballerina to fight a man’s war.”
It suddenly struck Welles that Loki was intending to fire his machine gun at the Kama Sutra climaxing Van Helsing and Freya.
Loki was suddenly stopped in his intentions by a silver arrow fired through his throat.
The silver arrow was fired by a crossbow held by the front hooves of the Celtic stag god Cernunnos.
Welles breathed a sigh of relief.
Cernunnos seemed to have been quite a good ally the past few weeks.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday April 3rd
2023.
Goddess Sophia and Samhain Cardinal Salaman
Sophia the Greco-Egyptian Gnostic Goddess of Wisdom inside the Vatican
Samhain Cardinal Salaman had had a busy day at the Vatican.
Pope Francis had been rushed to the Gemelli Hospital 🏥 in Rome with a respiratory infection.
And already Samhain was getting emails and text messages from cardinals considered papabili (favourites to become the next Pope) asking for his support at the next papal 🇻🇦 conclave.
Francis wasn’t dead and already some cardinals were campaigning to be the next Pope.
Nimrod the frog was sitting on Cardinal Samhain’s bookshelf and eating fried chicken and drinking gallons of Mountain Dew.
He was eating and drinking and burping and scratching his stomach and saying, “And would you say (burp! burp! scratch! scratch!) your fellow Cardinals have good taste.”
“No!” Cardinal Samhain shook his head.
And then also Cardinal Salaman had received the news this morning that his friend Belvedere the ghost of the Ghost White Salamander had almost been sacrificed in an occultic sacrifice in Cornwall England last Thursday.
Back in the mid-2010s when Samhain Salaman had worked as a professional stage magician in London England, Belvedere had served as his invisible Magician’s Assistant.
It’s easier to do more convincing and believable magic 🪄 tricks when you’ve got a ghost helping you, Samhain had discovered.
Later when Francis had discovered that Samhain also studied Kabbalah and real magic, the pontiff had had Samhain baptized, confirmed, ordained a deacon, ordained a priest, consecrated a bishop, elevated to the office of Archbishop and then created a Cardinal all on the same day.
Samhain Cardinal Salaman’s friend the Ghost White Salamander Belvedere had escaped being sacrificed thanks to the efforts of Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing and the ghost of Orson Welles.
The demon possessed elk (who was presiding over the occultic ceremony and would-be ghostly salamander sacrifice) had been slain by a silver arrow fired either by the Celtic stag god Cernunnos or Dracul Van Helsing.
Cardinal Salaman was suddenly distracted by a noise behind him.
There on top of his desk was Sophia the Greco-Egyptian Gnostic Goddess of Wisdom.
He was reminded of something he had once read in a lost book of Solomon (that he had found), “When perilous times come, suckle on the breasts of wisdom.”
Samhain Cardinal Salaman got on top of his desk and did just that.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday March 29th
2023.
Persephone Meets Belvedere
Persephone the Greek goddess of the Underworld in London’s Highgate Cemetery
Persephone the Greek goddess of the Underworld was in London’s Highgate Cemetery for reasons known only to herself.
Belvedere the ghost of the Ghost White Salamander (who was a reporter for the Times of London) was walking through the cemetery.
Belvedere had once been human.
He had been a deserter from the Confederate Army during the U.S. Civil War, became an outlaw in the Wild West for many years and then worked as a bartender in the Wild West saloon known as the Wild Tomatoes 🍅 and Mushrooms Saloon.
The saloon had been owned by Sherrielock Holmes (Sherlock Holmes’ twin sister who became immortal after eating some Lingzhi Supernatural Mushrooms) when she lived in the American Wild West.
One night Belvedere had slept with a working girl who had a room in the saloon.
He refused to pay her for her services.
It turned out she was a gypsy enchantress as well so she turned Belvedere into a Ghost White Salamander (of the sort that reveals itself to Mormon Church founder Joseph Smith Jr. in Smith’s first and original telling of the find of the Golden Tablets. Later the Ghost White Salamander became Jesus Christ and then God the Father and Jesus Christ and then finally the angel Moroni in Smith’s subsequent retellings of the story).
Having become a Ghost White Salamander, Belvedere quickly ran out into the street outside the saloon where he was promptly run over by a settlers’ covered wagon heading west and thus ended up becoming the ghost of a Ghost White Salamander.
After a long and varied ghostly haunting of this planet Earth, Belvedere was now a reporter for The Times of London.
He was currently wandering through London’s Highgate Cemetery.
He thought of finding where Karl Marx was buried.
He looked around and saw a bunch of Crosses on gravestones and deduced he must be in the Christian part of Highgate Cemetery.
It was highly unlikely that a Jewish publicly proclaimed atheist who privately wrote love poems to the Devil whom he called Oulanem (which was a 19th Century occultic secret society name for the Devil) like Karl Marx would be buried in the Christian portion of Highgate Cemetery.
Belvedere was walking along on his tiny white spectral ghostly amphibian legs when he suddenly saw the Greek goddess Persephone in the clearing.
There was a full moon behind her.
Belvedere checked his calendar on his ghostly miniature spectral Apple Watch ⌚️.
He didn’t think there was supposed to be a full moon 🌕 tonight and indeed there wasn’t supposed to be.
It was supposed to be the start of the Islamic month of Ramadan after all.
Persephone smiled at him.
“Belvedere,” she said to him and then zapped him with a laser ray that shot out of the long black fingernail on the middle finger of her left hand.
The ghost of the Ghost White Salamander was knocked unconscious.
Persephone directed some Breton korrigans to pick up up the ghostly spectral body of the Ghost White Salamander and carry him to Cornwall.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday March 22nd
2023.
Aztec Vampire Princess Qonzilqointec and The Death of Josef Stalin
The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec
It was 70 years ago yesterday on March 5th that Soviet dictator Josef Stalin kicked the bucket 🪣🦶 (Stalin having croaked 🐸 on March 5th 1953).
The only Canadian in mourning at the time was Pierre Elliot Trudeau.
Present at the death of Josef Stalin was the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec.
Qonzilqointec was present at Stalin’s death because she had been present at the death of Stalin’s enemy Leon Trotsky in Mexico City in August 1940.
On August 20th 1940 Trotsky had been given a blow to the head by an ice pick wielded by a Spanish Stalinist agent Ramon Mercader.
Trotsky died a day later on August 21st 1940.
Or at least that had been the story given to the world.
In reality Trotsky had been turned into a vampire by the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec on that date.
Qonzilqointec had done so at the request of a friend of hers the Mexican artist Diego Rivera.
Diego Rivera had told the Aztec Vampiress that Trotsky was a nice guy so she turned him into a vampire.
Trotsky changed his name to Lev Tomi and started working as a bureaucrat at the UN.
He eventually became Secretary-General of the UN Secretariat On The Environment and Climate Change back in 1993.
In 2021, Joe Biden named Tomi the unofficial Chief of Staff of The U.S. Armed Forces.
Last year in 2022, Lev Tomi/Leon Trotsky was named Commander of NATO Forces in Eastern Europe.
Where he would challenge Vladimir Putin’s plans to re-establish a Neo-Czarist Russian Imperial Empire.
On March 1st 1953, Qonzilqointec had flown to Moscow when her sources told her that Stalin was on the verge of kicking the bucket.
There she tormented the Soviet dictator with promises of vampiric immortality.
On March 5th 1953 as Stalin was about to go screaming 😱 into that not-so good (for him) night, Qonzilqointec smiled, bared her vampiric fangs and said, “Just joking.”
Stalin swore an obscenity at her.
Qonzilqointec said, “Remember the Ukrainian kulak farmers who died in the Holodomor of 1932-33.”
Stalin kicked the bucket.
He paid Soviet rubles to the ferryman Charon to ferry him across the Rivers Styx and Acheron.
Charon swore at him for paying in such a currency.
Cerberus escorted Stalin to his rotating roasting barbecue spit down in Tartarus.
In the decade of the 2010s, Stalin was given a dispensational release from Hades along with Adolf Hitler at the request of World Economic Forum Chairman Klaus Schwab who was working on a synthesis of Stalinism and Nazi Fascism to bring about a totalitarian One World Government by the year 2030.
A lot had happened in 70 years.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday March 6th
2023.
Morgana On An Early March Evening
The Welsh Vampiress Morgana in a forest on an early March evening
Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing was wandering through an English forest on an early March evening.
He had a crossbow in hand and a bunch of silver arrows in a pouch on his back.
There were reports of a demonically possessed elk in the forest.
The elk had apparently been given to Justin Welby the ArchHeretic of Sodom and Gomorrah (although his official title was Archbishop of Canterbury) by Joe Biden’s cabinet for his efforts in getting Baphomet approved Alphabet Soup Community sexual practices accepted by the Church of England and the global Anglican Community.
The elk was an animal now extinct in Britain.
So Biden’s cabinet thought that putting an a-sexual non-binary gender confused elk from the U.S. Democratic Party stronghold state of Colorado into the British Isles as a gift to ArchHeretic Welby would somehow magically replenish the elk population.
When ArchHeretic Welby was presented the gift by gender confused Rachel Somebody Or Other (an Assistant Secretary of Something or Other in Biden’s cabinet), the elk had a cassette tape recorder around his/her/its neck which when you pushed a button on it, a voice came on that said, “I’m Joe Biden and I approve this present 🎁.”
The elk had apparently become demonically possessed after using a Ouija board to swear its allegiance to the demon Baphomet.
It had escaped from Welby’s country ecclesial episcopal palace and was now terrorizing native British deer 🦌 in a nearby forest.
After consulting a rare volume on Demonic Possession of Animals written by the Rev. Father Montague Summers, the Rev. Father Aidan Bury Saint Edmunds (who was Amadeus Emanon’s parish priest and Vicar) had told Dracul Van Helsing that the only way to rid the world of a demonically possessed elk was to kill it with a silver arrow.
So Van Helsing was now going through the forest with his crossbow and silver arrows when he came upon this sight:
Van Helsing put down his crossbow and silver arrows and proceeded to climb the fallen tree and make out with the Welsh Vampiress Morgana (who was a member of the British Parliament from the constituency of Newbridge In Wales 🏴 and a British Arthurian Party parliamentary colleague of British MP Renfield R. Renfield who represented Tewkesbury In The Cotswolds).
As Van Helsing and Morgana made wild passionate love on the fallen tree, the demonically possessed elk walked by.
The elk used its antlers (thus indicating that the elk was a biologically born male who only became gender confused after attending U.S. Democratic Party sessions on the party’s future wildlife strategy) to attack a possible candidate for the future leadership of the Scottish Nationalist Party.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday March 3rd
2023.
Set and Anubis Discuss The Demon Ahriman
The London based billionaire ancient Egy₱tian vam₱ire Set was having a meeting with his son Anubis the jackal headed Egy₱tian god to discuss the latter’s fact finding mission to the Middle East.
The A₱ostate Bisho₱ and The Ghosts of MacBeth and Lady MacBeth
Michelangelo the ₱sychic Lobster was in his aquarium at Set Enter₱rises Laboratories in London, England.
₱an Goatee Beheads Yet Another Re₱ulsive Uglo On A December Afternoon
World famous genetically created satyr ₱an Goatee had gone to a donair ₱lace he hadn’t been to for a while to have one of their delicious and inex₱ensive donairs.
Dracul Van Helsing 
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