A Conversation With Athelstan

December 2, 2016 at 6:05 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Religion, The Supernatural, Theology, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

A Conversation With Athelstan

“Well, Athelstan,” the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set sampled a glass of cognac with a dash of Type O blood and a twist of lemon, “there haven’t been any terrorist attacks in Europe so far this month.”

“Indeed not, sir,” Athelstan his butler and valet agreed.

“Damned thugs,” Set slurped on his iced Popsicle statue of the Hindu goddess Kali, “the Middle East was a lot more civilized when the people there worshipped my siblings and myself.”

“Very much so, sir,” Athelstan dusted off the replica model of the cedar box in which Set had placed his brother Osiris’ 14 body parts after he had dismembered him.

“Of course I really should have been the ruler of Egypt not my brother,” Set put down his hieroglyphic manuscript tablet copy of the ancient Egyptian bestseller In Praise of Fratricide which he had written many millennia ago.

“One of history’s great misfortunes that it never happened, sir,” Athelstan dusted off Set’s DVD collection of every single episode of Doctor Who.

“I wonder what my brother Osiris is doing in Rome,” Set picked up a copy of his Latin-Egyptian Dictionary.

“Presumably, he’s doing as the Romans do if he’s following the advice of that famous maxim, sir,” Athelstan adjusted the 1st Edition of Bartlett’s Great Quotations on the bookshelf.

“I wonder if Renfield has wiretapped Osiris’ phone line in Rome yet,” Set started brushing his teeth and his vampiric incisors with the new Colgate Ultra-Glistening Whitening Toothpaste.

“I believe he has, sir,” Athelstan checked his text message on his smart phone.

“So why hasn’t he returned to London yet?” Set asked Athelstan.

“I believe he’s still eating spaghetti and trying to make out with some of the beautiful young Italian women,” Athelstan answered.

“That sounds like Renfield all right,” Set used some Listerine mouthwash to gargle.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday August 7th
2016.

Post-Script: This incident between Set and Athelstan happened back on August 7th of this year (the same day I wrote this blog post).

As a result of Renfield tapping Osiris’ phone, Renfield is now in possession of the information to be found in an ancient Gnostic gospel manuscript that Donald Trump is a Merovingian Bloodline descendent of an alleged marriage between Jesus Christ and Mary Magdalene.

For further information, please read:

https://draculvanhelsing.wordpress.com/2016/11/25/osiris-and-the-lost-nag-hammadi-scroll/

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Belvedere, Mitt Romney and The Mormon Archives

November 24, 2016 at 6:20 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Religion, The Supernatural, Theology, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Belvedere, Mitt Romney and The Mormon Archives

Belvedere the Ghost White Salamander and reporter for the Times of London was once again meeting with the London parking lot, office building and apartment building owning millionaire Ryan Rider.

Ryan Rider (through methods he didn’t elaborate on) had access to the files of the mysterious individual who called himself Robur The Conquerer (Robur was, as it turns out, a genetic clone of U.S. Civil War Confederate General Albert Pike who had been cloned from Pike’s DNA back in 1966 by Nazi scientist Eckhart Fromm who had been brought into the U.S. through Operation Paperclip).

“You have something for me, Mr. Rider?” Belvedere asked as he approached Rider’s office (a 4-door rusty gold coloured GMC truck) that was parked in the middle of the Not So Standard Parking Lot.

“Damn,” Rider swore, “someone just text messaged me asking me what my postal code is.”

The eccentric and postal code phobic millionaire started hyperventilating.

“Please get ahold of yourself, Mr. Rider,” Belvedere spoke exasperatedly, “On the phone, you said you discovered the reason why Donald Trump is making a rapprochement with his old Republican Party enemy Mitt Romney. There’s even talk that the President-elect may name Mitt Romney as his Secretary of State.”

“That’s right,” Ryan Rider grinned, “I’ve discovered the reason why Donald Trump is making a rapprochement with Mitt Romney.”

There was silence in the Not So Standard Parking Lot.

“Well would you mind telling me before Hell freezes over?” Belvedere stated as it started to snow in the Not So Standard Parking Lot.

Ryan Rider blew his nose and gazed at Belvedere, “Have you ever heard of the Mormon Archives, Mr. Belvdere?”.

“You mean the archives the Mormon Church keeps that have reams of genealogical research on families from all around the world?” Belvedere asked.

“That is correct, Mr. Belvedere,” Ryan Rider smiled with both a twinkle and a snowflake in his eye, “and do you know what is to be found in those Mormon Archives that is the direct cause of the rapprochement between Trump and Romney? What Romney discovered about the Trump family’s ancestry in those files that led Romney to reconcile with Trump?”.

“No,” Belvedere shook his head, “if I knew what was to be found in those Mormon Archives genealogical files that led to the rapprochement between Trump and Romney, I wouldn’t be standing here in this parking lot freezing my ghostly white salamander nuts off talking to you.”

“What Romney found,” Rider approached Belvedere and conspiratorially whispered in his ghostly white salamander ears, “is that Donald Trump is a direct descendant of the marriage between Jesus Christ and Mary Magdalene.”

“Holy shit!” Belvedere exclaimed.

“Well I believe it was Holy Blood, Holy Grail that was the name of the book that first publicly postulated that there was a blood line in the world today that was directly descended from the marriage of Jesus Christ and Mary Magdalene,” Rider pointed out.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday November 22nd
2016.

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Cthulhu At The Vatican: A Poem

April 7, 2016 at 9:20 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, Horror, Mystery/horror, News, Poetry, Religion, The Supernatural, Theology, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

Cthulhu At The Vatican: A Poem

One fine night on the Tiber
a man drank sweet apple cider
when suddenly from the river’s depth
rose a monster causing him to say “What the heck!”
The creature had an octopus head
causing the man to drop his bread
It had webbed human looking arms and legs
Said the man, “I better get to Meg’s!”
An Italian bistro just down the street
The creature had snake like bunions on its feet
It stood hundreds of meters tall
and soon approached the Vatican wall
as Pope Francis lectured Trump on lack of charity
in the midst of much Curial hilarity
The creature had huge dragon like wings on its back
and gave some Vatican Swiss Guards the permanent sack
although it had no authority to do so
but what the heck, it made a fine YouTube show
as the post went viral with epic flow

The creature went into the finely wrapped box marked Pope Francis’ God of Surprises
and threw out the flowers there- Mother Earth’s irises
It then sat in the box
quiet like a hunted fox
waiting for its unveiling
causing Cardinals to hit the railing
when bursting forth like a jack in the box
it would resemble Baphomet’s unwashed socks
The final document of the Synod on The Family
would add to that dreaded abode of the damned-ly.

-A poem written by Christopher
Thursday Evening
April 7th 2016.

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Michelangelo’s Dream of Papal Prayer Video

February 28, 2016 at 8:49 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, Horror, International Intrigue, Mystery, Mystery/horror, Mythology, News, Religion, The Supernatural, Theology, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

Michelangelo’s Dream of Papal Prayer Video

Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster was sleeping in his aquarium down at the Set Enterprises Lab.

He was having a dream about the papal prayer video that Pope Francis would be releasing for the month of March (starting this year of 2016, instead of releasing his monthly prayer intercessions via text and press release announcement, Pope Francis announced his prayer intentions for the next month via video).

In the video that he saw in his dream, Michelangelo saw two influential Vatican cardinals Cardinal Walter Kasper and Cardinal Gianfranco Ravasi engaged in a deeply ecumenical interfaith inter religious dialogue with the ancient Canaanite deity Moloch as the bronze statue of the god accepted children in a fiery form of human sacrifice.

Michelangelo woke up screeching.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday February 28th
2016.

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As The World Turns

February 18, 2016 at 8:59 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Politics, Religion, The Supernatural, Theology, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

As The World Turns

“So,” Renfield looked at the morning paper, “Pope Francis won’t judge homosexuals but he will judge Donald Trump.”

“Is the Pope a hairdresser?” Amadeus Emanon asked.

. . .

At that moment Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster was having a dream (or possibly a psychic vision) in his aquarium down at the Set Enterprises Lab.

In the dream, Donald Trump was holding a press conference announcing that he was dumping his third wife Melania and would be marrying– another man! – an 18-year-old fitness and aerobics instructor named Spartacus Faberge Duvalier.

Dressed in a pink wedding dress with adjoining pink coloured hair toupee, Trump fumed at the media, “How dare the Pope question my Christianity?”.

. . .

The demon Asmodeus was sitting in a restaurant in Zurich, Switzerland at a table across from the ancient Babylonian Vampiress Lilith who was wearing a lovely pink magnolia coloured evening dress.

“I had a strange dream last night,” Lilith recalled, “I dreamed I had to wrestle Donald Trump in order to buy this dress.”

“That is a strange dream,” Asmodeus admitted as he bit into his fried frogs’ legs with great relish (and a smattering of mustard).

The sheer joy with which Asmodeus bit into the frogs’ legs caused Nimrod the ancient king of Babylon (and builder of the city and Tower of Babel) to wince.

Nimrod himself had been turned into a frog as a result of a magical kiss gone awry.

The little green frog sat there on a small lily pad in a huge bowl of water on the white table cloth eating his own little dish of green algae and fresh escargot.

“So our plans for World War III are proceeding smoothly,” Lilith lowered the front top of her dress allowing Nimrod a great visual look of her cleavage causing the little green frog to roar like a tiger taking a shower in a Bavarian alpine village.

“How so?” Asmodeus spit a leaf of lettuce out of his mouth, “I never understood how anyone could be vegetarian.”

“Turkey will attack Syria to destroy the YPG Kurdish Army,” Lilith explained, “and this will cause Russia to attack Turkey and eventually seize Istanbul re-naming it Constantinople and restoring the Byzantine Empire with Putin as the new Byzantine Emperor as well as the new Czar of all the Russias.”

“But wouldn’t Barack Obama do something about that?” Nimrod asked.

On the television screen in the restaurant, CNN was showing a clip of Obama interviewing Kermit the Frog for the job of Supreme Court Justice to replace the late Antonin Scalia and was quizzing the amphibian superstar celebrity on his knowledge of legal jurisprudence and even more importantly as far as Obama was concerned- where he stood on the issues of abortion and same sex marriage.

“I’m sorry,” Nimrod lowered his head in shame and went back to eating his algae and escargot, “that was a stupid question.”

. . .

Russian President Vladimir Putin was sitting in his Kremlin office when a beautiful Greek looking vampiress wearing a Phoenician purple evening dress came flying through the window.

Putin had encountered several vampiresses in this manner the past few years.

“I am the Vampiress Theodora,” said the beautiful vampiress in the Phoenician purple evening dress, “I am here to help you re-take Istanbul from the Turks, re-name it Constantinople and make it the new capital of the greatest empire the world has ever seen – a combined Byzantine and Imperial Russian Empire with yourself as both Byzantine Emperor and Russian Czar.”

Putin inwardly felt that this was indeed his true destiny ever since he had an epiphany on his first visit to Israel as President of Russia in April 2005.

“Theodora,” Putin sampled some black olives from a dish in front of him, “that’s a Greek name isn’t it?”.

“Indeed,” Theodora flashed him a warm smile through her vampiric incisors, “in my mortal life, I was the Empress Theodora the wife of Justinian I the greatest emperor of the Byzantine Empire.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday February 18th
2016.

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Quetzalcoatl: These Hearts Won’t Go On and On

February 12, 2016 at 8:28 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, Horror, News, Religion, The Supernatural, Theology, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , )

Quetzalcoatl: These Hearts Won’t Go On And On

The Aztec feathered serpent god Quetzalcoatl was feeling famished.

He was on his goddaughter the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec’s ranch in Mexico having just flown in from Havana, Cuba where he had been eavesdropping on the conversation between Pope Francis and Russian Orthodox Church Moscow Patriarch Kirill at Jose Marti International Airport.

Quetzalcoatl was now in the barn eating a bunch of fresh human hearts to regain his strength.

The ranch hands had captured a tourist bus and brought the tourists to Quetzalcoatl to rip open their chests and eat their hearts.

The tourist bus capture and the vanished passengers could easily be blamed as an abduction on narco-fighter gang members of the Mexican drug cartels (making the drug thugs good for something in Quetzalcoatl’s opinion).

“You deserve a break today at McDonald’s,” Quetzalcoatl sang cheerfully as he ripped out the heart of a Scottish tourist.

There was a sudden tapping as of someone rapping, gently rapping at the barnyard door.

” ‘Tis some visitor,” Quetzalcoatl muttered, “tapping at the barnyard door- only this and nothing more.”

Quetzalcoatl opened the door and standing there was a pair of young men dressed in white shirts with black ties and black dress pants.

“My friend,” one of the young men spoke up as he held in his hands a copy of the Book of Mormon, “have you heard about the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints and read Another Testament of Jesus Christ- the Book of Mormon?”.

Quetzalcoatl stood there at the barn door and said nothing.

As the two young Mormon missionaries stood there and noticed fresh blood dripping down the chin of Quetzalcoatl’s gargantuan grotesque serpentine bird like face and then noticed all the bodies and ripped out hearts on the barn floor behind him, both young men simultaneously made the Sherlockian deduction that now was probably not the best time to share the good news about the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and Another Testament of Jesus Christ- the Book of Mormon.

The Mormon missionaries leapt on to their respective bicycles and vigourously pedaled off the ranch in the direction of Mexico City.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday February 12th
2016.

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Renfield’s Analysis of The Vatican

December 29, 2015 at 7:51 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Religion, The Supernatural, Theology, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Renfield’s Analysis of The Vatican

And so the spokesman from the Vatican told the BBC News Interviewer, “Any resemblance between Pope Francis’ Vatican and a Freemasonic Lodge is purely coincidental…”

“What do they mean by that?” Amadeus Emanon asked Renfield R. Renfield.

“It means that the Freemasons have taken over the Vatican,” Renfield sipped his Scotch whisky.

“Does that mean the people in the Vatican are going to start wearing those funny looking Shriners’ hats and drive around in those little go-cart kiddie cars like they do in the Shriners’ parades?” Amadeus asked as he ate his licorice and his box of Jumbo pink candy popcorn.

“Oh probably,” Renfield was busy wondering why Arnold Schwarzenegger was dressed as a 400 Star general in his latest TV commercial.

“Will the Pope be getting free tickets to see the Shriners’ circus?” Amadeus asked as he reached into his bag of balloons to blow one up.

“Most likely,” Renfield finished his whisky, “1st Century Rome was full of bread and circuses. 21st Century Rome will probably be the same.”

“I suppose,” Amadeus reflected, “that gladiatorial to the death combat and people being eaten by lions would really be the ultimate in reality entertainment.”

“Indeed,” Renfield nodded, “and you wouldn’t have to worry about paying your losing talent. The profits would be out of this world.”

“Download for free now from the App Store,” Schwarzenegger said in his thick Austrian accent.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday December 29th
2015.

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Cardinal JM and Osiris

November 5, 2015 at 8:23 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Religion, The Supernatural, Theology, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Cardinal JM and Osiris

The Vatican Cardinal JM was in a downtown Rome lounge waiting to meet the ancient Egyptian vampire Osiris.

His personal secretary Father Oliver Thomas Wardenclyffe would not be accompanying him as he usually did to such meetings.

Father Wardenclyffe would be attending a performance of a new ballet Swan Lake In The Desert at the U. S. Embassy this night.

The original avante-garde ballet was being performed by the U.S. Marine Corps Barack Obama Performing Arts Division.

“Your Eminence,” The Vampire Osiris dressed in a tuxedo and tie greeted Cardinal JM.

“Your Most Exalted Ancient Egyptian Highness,” Cardinal JM bowed.

“You look well, JM,” Osiris stated.

“You’re looking somewhat green this evening,” the Cardinal observed, “aren’t you feeling well?”.

“I’ve always looked green,” Osiris snapped irritably, “if you ever bothered to look at pictures of my painted image on the walls of Egyptian temples and tombs. It was a condition brought about by eating too many jars of pickles when I was younger.”

“I apologize for my abysmal ignorance, your Highness,” Cardinal JM looked flustered, “ancient Greek religion is my field of study.”

“It wasn’t Catholicism?” Osiris inquired.

“I know very little about Catholicism,” Cardinal JM replied, “which probably explains why I was named a Cardinal. If I had known even less, I would have probably been elected Pope at the Papal Conclave back in 2013.”

“Why did you arrange for us to meet tonight?” Osiris ordered a martini with extra olives from the waiter.

“I have a gift for you,” Cardinal JM put a small box on the table, “this was recently found in the Vatican Archives.”

Osiris opened the box and cried, “My original phallus.”

“Yes,” Cardinal JM nodded and smiled, “the one that your brother Set cut off so brutally in Egypt many millennia ago in a procedure which these days may or may not be covered under modern Obamacare, I’d have to check on that.”

“The one piece of my original 14 dismembered body parts that my sister, wife and lover Isis was never able to find,” Osiris wept.

“It was found back in 1922 by a Jesuit Egyptologist who died after being bitten by an asp on his ass,” the Cardinal explained, “our aging archivist only got around to cataloging it this year.”

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday November 4th
2015.

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Cardinal JM’s Synod Paper On Homophobic ET Deities

October 7, 2015 at 7:47 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, News, Religion, Theology, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Cardinal JM’s Synod Paper On Homophobic ET Deities

Cardinal JM a member of the College of Cardinals was in his office in the Vatican working on a paper he was going to present to the Synod of Bishops On Marriage and The Family currently underway in Rome.

Cardinal JM who taught a course on the astronomical theories of Giordano Bruno at one of the pontifical colleges in Rome secretly worshipped the Ancient Greek gods- in particular Zeus and Apollo.

His personal private secretary Father Oliver Thomas Wardenclyffe was a secret worshipper of Hecate the Ancient Greek goddess of witchcraft.

Father Wardenclyffe was out this evening getting a massage at a gay health spa in Rome.

The paper that the Cardinal would present at the synod would argue that Yahweh (the name for God in the Old Testament) wasn’t really the Supreme Creator of the Universe.

He was only an extraterrestrial astronaut and scientist who monkeyed with the DNA of apes to produce Homo sapiens.

The ancient Hebrew peoples mistakenly assumed that this ET scientist Yahweh was the Supreme Creator of the Universe when he wasn’t.

Thus since Yahweh was not the Creator, his outdated and homophobic notions on sexual morality could safely be ignored in today’s church, Cardinal JM argued.

The Cardinal looked over what he had written and smiled.

He put the paper in his desk and went out for a walk in the streets of Rome.

He looked up at the night sky that was dotted with multitudes of stars.

One of those stars seemed to hover directly over the Colosseum and then seemed to fly speedily away.

Cardinal JM lit a marijuana cigarette and inhaled in unClintoneseque fashion.

Hm, was that a UFO? The Cardinal wondered.

He continued to walk down the street and as he did so, he hummed to himself the lyrics of an old Carpenters song from the 1970s, “Calling occupants of interplanetary craft…”

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday October 6th
2015.

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Dulcinea Lucia And The Vatican Cardinal

September 19, 2015 at 6:51 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Religion, The Supernatural, Theology, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Dulcinea Lucia And The Vatican Cardinal

The gypsy fortune teller Dulcinea Lucia lay on the sofa in the living room of the London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set.

She had no cab fare to get home.

Renfield R. Renfield had invited her over to give him a private fortune telling reading.

It turned out that he wanted her to examine more than his palms.

So she had hit him over the head with an ancient clay tablet that listed the sexual escapades of the Greek god Zeus.

It had knocked Renfield out- probably for the next several hours.

In the meantime, she hoped either Amadeus Emanon or Athelstan the butler or some other person more civilized than Renfield (including the vampire Set who was best known for bodily dismembering his brother Osiris) would get home to the mansion soon to give her cab fare to get home to her own home.

She lay on the sofa in the low-cut red mini dress that Renfield had requested she’d wear for this occasion.

She fell asleep.

And dreamed a dream.

In the dream, she saw the Vatican Cardinal Walter Kasper whom she had once seen in a television interview.

In the dream, Cardinal Kasper did a little dance and sang to the tune of Monty Python’s Lumberjack Song,

“Oh, I’m a heretic and I’m okay
I read my Bible the Raymond Brown way
Don’t take it seriously, it just don’t pay
‘Till you get ’round to Judgement Day…”

Dulcinea Lucia was awakened by a sudden clap of thunder and flash of lightning.

She then heard Amadeus Emanon and Athelstan walk in through the door.

Renfield could be heard mumbling to himself as he lay on the floor, “Did anybody get the license plate number of that white swan?”.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday September 18th
2015.

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