Kendall Jenner Pepsi Ad Updated

April 8, 2017 at 3:37 pm (Commentary, Culture, Entertainment, News, Satire, TV Commercials, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Renfield R. Renfield was asking Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster what type of Kendall Jenner Pepsi ad would have met the approval of America’s numerous idiots (of whom among the biggest are America’s current crop of late night talk show hosts).

Michelangelo transmitted the new commercial via computer imaging.

The ad showed Kendall Jenner walking up to a policeman and blowing his head off with a gun and then drinking a can of Pepsi in celebration.

The hashtag #PepsiGenius exploded across Twitter among any social media user with an IQ lower than a child’s shoe size.

And the reactions of America’s talk show hosts were immediate:

South African idiot Trevor Noah: Pure genius. That’s Pepsi.

Home-grown American idiot Stephen Colbert: Pepsi. Pure genius.

Another home-grown American idiot Jimmy Kimmel (secretly wishing that the part of the white cop in the commercial had been played by Matt Damon): Pepsi genius. Pure.

Amadeus Emanon looked at the commercial while drinking a Pepsi, “So that’s how Pepsi and Kendall Jenner can get back on top, huh?.”

“Yes,” said Renfield nodding and then he looked at the huge pile of American college rejection emails he had received in his computer inbox, “I applied to every prestigious ivy league university in America last week. I didn’t submit any grades or achievements. All I wrote was “Black lives matter”. And I still got rejected.”

“It might have helped if you had used a more Islamic sounding name on your application,” said Amadeus switching over to Coca-Cola.

“Yeah, you’re probably right,” Renfield reached for a brandy.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday April 8th
2017.

Kendall Jenner Pepsi Ad
Kendall Jenner: Walk softly. And always carry a gun with your can of Pepsi.

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New TV Car Commercial For 2017

February 11, 2017 at 12:22 pm (Commentary, News, Satire, TV Commercials) (, , , , )

(Image of a red car being driven along a moonlit highway)

Announcer: You’re not one to spend day and night constantly working at the office…

(Camera pans in on the smiling face of the driver of the red car)

Announcer: You’re one of these people who are truly the master of their own destiny…

(Driver smiles as he switches gears)

Announcer: You’re not one to be tied down to convention or strictly following the rules…

(Driver of the red car passes a slower moving car in front of him)

Announcer: In fact, you’re one of these people who always wonders why in reality there are always loads of other motor vehicles on the road as opposed to what you see on TV commercials where yours is the only vehicle on the road and possibly one or two others….

(Driver of the red car can be seen scratching his head)

Announcer: Well now you’re about to find out why…

(The red car is suddenly hit by an asteroid crashing into the highway)

Announcer: The new 2017 Nibiru Asteroid… giving you the driving experience of a lifetime…

(End of commercial as the red car can be seen burning up in a deep hole in the road as the car radio plays the R.E.M. song “It’s the end of the world as we know it…”)

-A TV Commercial
written by Christopher
Friday February 10th
2017

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A Renfieldian TV Commercial

October 24, 2016 at 4:32 pm (Comedy, Entertainment, Humour, Satire, TV Commercials, Vampire novel) (, , , , )

A Renfieldian TV Commercial

A London advertising agency was once again holding its Best Written TV Commercial contest and once again Renfield R. Renfield would be submitting one of his entries.

He had called Amadeus downstairs to read him his Commercial masterpiece.

Once again Amadeus approached to listen with both tea and trepidation.

Renfield read the commercial he had written:

Bald Guy (in white suit addressing camera): You know what really ticks me off?

Another Bald Guy (in black suit addressing camera): You know what really ticks me off?

Bald Woman (in black dress addressing camera): You know what really ticks me off?

Bald-Headed Dog (addressing camera): Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! (translation in subtitles): You know what really ticks me off?

Bald Guy (in white suit): There are no shampoos for bald people.

Another Bald Guy (in black suit): There are no shampoos for bald people.

Bald Woman (in black dress): There are no shampoos for bald people.

Bald-Headed Dog: Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! (translation in subtitles): There are no shampoos for bald people.

Marble Headed Bust of A Bald Karl Marx (speaking): Bald headed people of the world unite! The classless hairless society has arrived.

Announcer: Yes, my follicle challenged friends, equal opportunity has arrived. There is now a shampoo for bald people- Abernathy’s Shampoo For Bald People. Now enjoy the same lathering rinse on your head that your fully follicled friends currently enjoy.

1st Bald Headed Guy (now lathering with Abernathy’s): It controls my dandruff for days.

2nd Bald Headed Guy (lathering with Abernathy’s): Now my girlfriend doesn’t mind running her fingers through my head.

Bald Headed Woman (after lathering with Abernathy’s): It makes my head shiny and manageable. Notice the bounce when I shake my head.

Bald-Headed Dog (getting lathered with Abernathy’s by his owner): Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! (translation in subtitles): That golden glow my head now shows is really noticed and appreciated by the bitches in heat down at the park.

Announcer: Yes, you baldies out there, there is now a shampoo for you- Abernathy’s Shampoo For Bald People.

Bald-Headed Guy With Glasses (standing on a house sidewalk with his back towards the street): Hello, I’m Dr. Benjamin Abernathy the inventor of Abernathy’s Shampoo For Bald People. I’m here to tell you about my exciting new product. (A white coloured van with the large lettering CRESCENT PLACE HOME FOR THE HOPELESSLY INSANE pulls up behind him) I hope you’re as excited about my new product as I am. (Two guys in white jackets and white pants get out of the van). I was tired of seeing all my friends with hair shampooing their heads in the shower which is why I’ll be appearing in court next week on charges of voyeurism but that’s another story. Instead if you order Abernathy’s Shampoo For Bald People now, I’ll send you a free Abernathy Comb For Bald People (the two men in white jackets grab Dr. Abernathy) as well as a free Abernathy Brush For Bald People. (One of the men in white jackets opens the back of the white van) Phone our operators now and I’ll send in a Free Blow Dry and Curling Kit For Bald People. (The men in white jackets throw Dr. Abernathy into the padded cell at the back of the van and close the back door marked CRESCENT PLACE HOME FOR THE HOPELESSLY INSANE).

Announcer: Yes, friends, get your Abernathy’s Shampoo For Bald People now. Before they come to get you.

. . .

Renfield looked at Amadeus, “So Amadeus, what do you think?”.

Amadeus sat there, holding his cup of tea half-way to his lips, frozen in space and time, an expression of total shock on his face.

“Well?” Renfield prodded again.

“What,” Amadeus asked quietly, “is the phone number for that CRESCENT PLACE HOME FOR THE HOPELESSLY INSANE?”.

“Why do you ask?” Renfield gazed suspiciously at Amadeus.

-A vampire novel chapter
and Renfieldian TV
Commercial
written by Christopher
Sunday October 23rd
2016.

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The Puppy Monkey Baby: Licensed To Thrill Or To Kill?

March 18, 2016 at 10:05 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, Horror, International Espionage, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, News, Science, Science-Fiction, Television, The Supernatural, TV Commercials, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

The Puppy Monkey Baby: Licensed To Thrill Or To Kill?

Russian Assistant Deputy Foreign Minister Nikolai Sonavitch was in London, England for a secret conference to see if the conflicts in Ukraine and Syria could be solved simultaneously.

The meeting was very hush hush and top secret.

Not even Barack Obama or even Alex Jones knew about it.

The chairman for the meeting would be a British parliamentarian named Magog Rhys Petley.

Nikolai was in his hotel room at the Saint James Hotel and had not been called to the meeting yet because apparently Petley was busy scouring the streets of London trying to find a carton of buttermilk.

Meanwhile reports on the radio said that a werewolf was seen walking the streets of London.

Nikolai turned off the radio and put on the television.

The TV was showing the Mountain Dew Kickstart commercial with Puppy Monkey Baby:

“How did the capitalist warmongers at Mountain Dew find out about Dr. Nicht Werhoffen’s secret Puppy Monkey Baby creation in his top secret Moscow lab?” The lifelong Bolshevik Sonavitch wanted to know.

Dr. Nicht Werhoffen was the Russian FSB’s leading mad scientist.

Dr. Werhoffen was formerly a mad scientist for the Stasi (the East German Secret Police) but had to seek employment elsewhere when the Berlin Wall came down.

The commercial it turned out (as Nikolai Sonavitch started to feel thirsty) was part of a documentary the BBC was doing on the Puppy Monkey Baby phenomenon.

As Sonavitch phoned down to the front desk and asked them to send up 3 cans of Mountain Dew Kickstart, the BBC was interviewing Set Enterprises’ chief corporate mad scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher.

Said Rocher, “The Puppy Monkey Baby is so yesterday. I created one back in 2001. Unfortunately it was applying for a job on the upper floors of one of the World Trade Center towers the morning of September 11th 2001. Set Enterprises’ corporate lawyers still aren’t sure whether to sue the Estate of Osama Bin Laden, the trio of George W. Bush, Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld or the Illuminati over that loss.”

Shit, the British beat us in creating a Puppy Monkey Baby, Sonavitch thought to himself as the hotel porter brought in the 3 cans of Mountain Dew Kickstart.

Sonavitch opened the first can and started drinking.

That old movie from 1942 The Cat People with Simone Simon was on one of the other channels so he started watching.

He was soon on his 3rd can of Mountain Dew Kickstart.

On the screen, the old Black and White movie suddenly turned into a coloured film and a beautiful leather skirted Asian dominatrix woman who called herself Sherrielock Holmes was standing there in the midst of a bunch of fiery red coloured cats.

“That’s funny, I don’t remember this scene,” Nikolai Sonavitch commented.

The hotel room door suddenly opened and a Puppy Monkey Baby entered the room.

“Puppy Monkey Baby,” the Puppy Monkey Baby kept repeating over and over.

The Puppy Monkey Baby jumped up on the coffee table in front of Sonavitch and did a little dance.

He then jumped on to Sonavitch’s lap and proceeded to lick him on the face all the while saying Puppy Monkey Baby.

He then kissed Sonavitch on the lips and then pulled a carving knife out of his diaper and slashed the assistant deputy foreign minister of Russia to death.

The Puppy Monkey Baby then shapeshifted into his natural form of satyr serial killer and hired contract assassin Pan Goatee.

Said Goatee, “That was fun. I always thought it would be cool to play the part of Judas Iscariot but be quick about it.”

He picked up the remaining can of Mountain Dew Kickstart and finished it saying, “There’s no need to let this new Holy Trinity or 3-in-1 to go to waste.”

He downed the Kickstart, belched and put the can back on the table.

“I’ll let the cleaning staff pocket the return deposit money for this,” Pan Goatee couldn’t help but grin at his own personal generosity.

He turned back into a Puppy Monkey Baby again, “My audience- the hotel security cameras- awaits.”

He went out the door and into the hall saying over and over again, “Puppy Monkey Baby… Puppy Monkey Baby… Puppy Monkey Baby… ”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday March 18th
2016.

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Renfield For President

February 8, 2016 at 7:43 pm (Comedy, Geopolitics and International Relations, Humour, News, Politics, Satire, TV Commercials, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

Renfield For President

Renfield R. Renfield informed Amadeus Emanon that he intended to run for President of the United States.

Grinning like the cow who had jumped over the moon because Red Bull had given her wings, Renfield smiled, “A large group of American bloggers have been urging me to run so I’ve decide to accede to their requests.”

“But you weren’t born in the U.S.,” Amadeus pointed out, “you were genetically created in a lab in Britain.”

“So not being born in the U.S. is no longer a problem in U.S. Presidential politics,” Renfield smiled as he looked at a copy of a phony birth certificate the then U.S. Territory of Hawaii issued to Sun Yat-sen (the future founder and President of the Republic of China) back in the late 19th Century, “the current President may have been born in Kenya. The winner of the Iowa Republican State Caucuses was born in Canada. And as for being genetically created in a lab, 50 years from now, everyone will be genetically created in a lab. I’m just a man ahead of my time.”

“Your watch is 5 minutes fast,” Amadeus admitted as he pointed it out.

Renfield took off his Rolex and started winding it.

“Which party are you going to run for? Republican or Democrats?”
Amadeus asked.

“I’m going to run as a write-in candidate on both Republican and Democratic ballots in the various caucuses and primaries,” Renfield grinned, “who knows maybe I’ll win both Party nominations and I can wind up saving the U.S. taxpayer the cost of holding a Presidential election this November. The election can be cancelled and everyone in both houses of Congress can unanimously elect me President of the United States. The ghost of Josef Stalin will be so proud.”

“So what have you been working on?” Amadeus asked with some trepidation as he looked at Renfield’s computer screen.

“My TV campaign commercial for President,” Renfield smiled as he blew his nose into a handkerchief with Uncle Sam’s picture on it.

“Can I see it?” Amadeus asked.

Renfield touched the play button.

The commercial played.

Announcer: Today, America has become the laughing stock of the world…

(various short news clips are shown)

Bill Clinton: I did NOT have sexual relations with that woman…

George W. Bush: There ARE Weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq.

Barack Obama: The U.S. is winning the war against ISIL… that everyone else insists on calling ISIS…

(In the background, a video is shown of ISIS fighters wearing black t-shirts that say It’s ISIS You Moron! beheading U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry)

Hillary Clinton (as Secretary of State in 2012) : As Goddess Oprah is my witness regarding those emails, I honestly thought Benghazi was the name of a Jewish actor in Hollywood…

Donald Trump: Everyone else running in this campaign is a loser…

(A strong downtown Manhattan wind blows Trump’s toupee away and he goes running down the street after it)

Announcer: It’s time for a President of whom America can be proud:

(A clip is shown of Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie, Johnny Depp and Rowan Atkinson asking Renfield R. Renfield for his autograph)

… Renfield R. Renfield…

… he’ll be tough when it comes to negotiating with America’s enemies…

(A clip is shown of Renfield sitting at a table right across from Vladimir Putin looking at him face-to-face and staring at him eyeball to eyeball)

(Renfield reaches into his jacket pocket, pulls out a gun and shoots Putin point blank in the face killing him instantly)

One of Putin’s aides (shouting excitedly in Russian): My God, he’s shot and killed the President of the Motherland!

Renfield (feeling around in his pockets and shouting to his aides) : Does anyone remember in what pocket I left my f@!?*#%^g cigars?

Renfield R. Renfield will ensure that the world’s most dangerous drug traffickers such as Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzman will never escape lawful custody EVER again…

(A clip is shown of Renfield standing on a precipice overlooking the Grand Canyon alongside Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzman showing the Mexican drug lord the majestic beauty and grandeur of the Grand Canyon)

(Renfield pushes Guzman into the Grand Canyon)

Last words of Guzman on this Earth (as he plunges downward): Arghhhhhhhhhhh…. !!!

… Renfield R. Renfield will provide honesty in government…

(A clip is shown of Renfield at the podium at a press conference facing the media)

Renfield: I did HAVE sexual relations with that woman… (points) … and… that woman… (points somewhere else) … and … that woman (points elsewhere yet again) and… that woman… (women are seen scurrying out of the press room as the camera tries to pan in on them when Renfield points in their direction)

Renfield R. Renfield will ensure that both houses of Congress will co-operate with the Executive branch of government to pass much needed legislation…

(Renfield is standing at the podium in Congress. He pulls out a machine gun and starts blasting away at various members. Some of the bullets ricochet up into the public gallery accidentally killing the President of the National Rifle Association who’s sitting in that gallery)

Renfield R. Renfield will make mincemeat of ISIS…

(ISIS prisoners are seen being escorted into the White House kitchen where the new White House chef Dr. Hannibal Lecter is awaiting them with a meat cleaver)

Renfield R. Renfield will ensure that even the local economies in America’s smaller states are well stimulated…

(Clip of Renfield whooping it up with a bunch of working girls in a hot tub on the Moonlite Bunny Ranch in Carson City, Nevada)

… Renfield R. Renfield For President…

… Because… you need him, America…

(Clip of Renfield sitting on the edge of a desk grinning and smiling at the camera)

Renfield (grinning and smiling at the camera): No red spider monkeys were harmed in the making of the hair on my head.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
during the period
Thursday February 4th
to
Monday February 8th
2016.

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Renfield and The Kardashian/Jenner Clan’s Latest Shenanigans

October 18, 2015 at 6:13 pm (Culture, Entertainment, News, Sports, Television, TV Commercials, TV Shows, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

Renfield And The Kardashian/Jenner Clan’s Latest Shenanigans

Renfield R. Renfield sat on the sofa and spoke to Amadeus Emanon, “You know with all the international espionage activities I’ve been involved in the past week, I really haven’t had time to keep up with the Kardashians. I wonder what the latest news is involving the Kardashian/Jenner clan and their inner circle?”.

Renfield used the remote to put on the television while Amadeus continued to eat the half dozen steak and kidney pies he’d been eating.

“So,” Renfield mockingly asked the television, “what’s the latest with the Kardashian/Jenner clan?”.

A TV commercial was on.

TV Commercial spokesman: Are you the sort of guy who wouldn’t want to be caught dead in a Nevada brothel?

Then to avoid such future embarrassment, use Viagra.

The real thing.

Not those cheap herbal imitations.

And here’s another piece of advice for you, my whoremongering friend.

That slogan Things Go Better With Coke doesn’t always hold true.

So use Viagra.

The real thing.

After all you wouldn’t want to be caught dead or near death in a Nevada brothel.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday October 18th
2015.

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Renfield TV Ad

March 23, 2015 at 7:02 pm (Humour, TV Commercials, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Renfield TV Ad

This was the TV ad that Renfield did as a shapeshifting hamster for KIA Motors.

Announcer: What sort of car does successful hamster defense attorney Hairy Masonite drive?

Renfield as Hairy Masonite (doing his best Raymond Burr impersonation): Why a 2015 Kia Cadenza of course.

Announcer: And driving to work in the driver’s seat of a new Kia Cadenza helps keep Hairy Masonite in the driver’s seat of the courtroom.

Renfield as Hairy Masonite: So you see your Honour the District Attorney Mr. Hamsterton Groundbeef’s claim that my client put the cheese in the mousetrap that killed his cheeseaholic Aunt Elsie is clearly false.
If Mr. Hamsterton Groundbeef had bothered to check the facts, he would have discovered that my client has a severe allergy to dairy products and putting the cheese in that trap would have sent my client into a severe allergic reaction from which he might never have recovered.

Announcer: Once again proud Kia Cadenza owner Hairy Masonite saves the day and another innocent hamster goes free spared the gallows and District Attorney Hamsterton Groundbeef’s ineptitude.

Renfield as Hairy Masonite (standing on the steps of the courthouse and waving to his client): And in the words of the immortal Leonard Nimoy in his greatest role as Mr. Spock, “Live long and prosper.” (uses one of his hamster front paws to give the Vulcan salute for the Vulcan proverb Live long and prosper)

His client (waving on sidewalk): Thanks Mr. Masonite.

(turns and crosses the street and is immediately hit by a bus)

Announcer: The new 2015 Kia Cadenza.

Because sometimes it’s just safer to drive across the street…

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Renfield Wants To Do A TV Ad

March 21, 2015 at 6:26 pm (Entertainment, TV Commercials, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Renfield Wants To Do A TV Ad

Renfield R. Renfield was sporting a huge bruise as a result of being hit over the head by a spiked stiletto high-heeled shoe wielded by the Egyptian Vampiress Isis this past Thursday night.

It was a good thing he had been wearing a wig that made him look like Bruce Jenner on a bad hair day or otherwise the bruise might have been even worse.

“I wonder why Jaguar never asked me to do a TV commercial advertising their cars like they did Dr. Cadbury Rocher,” Renfield mused aloud as he held a beef steak over his head.

“Don’t know,” Amadeus Emanon shrugged as he watched the frozen beef steak melting on Renfield’s forehead.

“I think I’d be excellent at doing commercials,” sighed Renfield.

“Well you have the ability to shapeshift into a hamster, why don’t you apply to do a TV ad for KIA motors since they have hamsters in their TV commercials?” Amadeus suggested.

“That’s an excellent idea,” Renfield went over to his computer to google the nearest KIA motors dealership.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday March 21st
2015.

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Isis Stabs Sir Elton John In The Back

March 19, 2015 at 6:36 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Espionage, International Intrigue, News, TV Commercials, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

Isis Stabs Sir Elton John In The Back

The Paris-based Egyptian Vampiress Isis was having dinner with a British cabinet minister in an exclusive London restaurant.

They were discussing the upcoming British general election, the state of Anglo-French relations, the emerging German domination of the European Union and the possibility of an Entente forming between Greece and Russia.

Spying on them and eavesdropping at the next table was Renfield R. Renfield the Chief of Security and Intelligence Gathering for Isis’ arch-enemy the London-based ancient Egyptian Vampire Set.

To escape the Vampiress Isis’ recognition and detection, Renfield had disguised himself by dressing up to look like Bruce Jenner if he/she was having a bad hair day.

“Didn’t the noted sanity challenged scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher work for you for a while?” The British cabinet minister asked Isis.

“He did,” Isis admitted, “but that nasty swine of a shapeshifting hamster/ human Renfield snatched him back to work for the Vampire Set again.”

Renfield quickly sprayed some more Febreze air freshener on his wig as a make-shift hairspray.

“Plus I see Dr. Cadbury Rocher is now doing TV commercials for Jaguar automobiles,” Isis put some red lipstick on her already blood red lips.

“He is?” The British cabinet minister seemed surprised.

“Yes,” Isis applied some more jet black mascara to her already jet black eyelashes, “the one where he takes a cylinder shaped glass elevator down to his secret laboratory brimming with automobiles and announces to the world “The devil is in the details” and then says “Oh yes, there’s method to my madness” as he drives away in either a red or a white Jaguar depending on which ad is being shown.”

“Now, that you mentioned it, I guess I have seen that commercial,” the cabinet minister sipped his Brandy.

Renfield silently seethed at the next table and wondered why he had never been asked to do a TV ad for Jaguar as he ragingly spilled hot chocolate over his formerly white blouse.

“That’s a lovely gown you’re wearing,” the cabinet minister admired Isis’ scarlet red evening dress.

“Thanks,” Isis smiled, “It’s a Dolce Gabbana.”

“That’s a Dolce Gabbana?” The minister put on his spectacles to get a better look down the front of her dress.

“Yes, Dolce Gabbana,” Isis nodded.

“Well, you’re certainly going to lose the admiration of Sir Elton John and his synthetic children over that,” Renfield piped up from the next table.

To be continued.

– A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday March 19th
2015.

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And The Wolf Shall Lie Down With A Bottle of Budweiser

January 30, 2015 at 7:09 pm (Commentary, News, Quotations and Sayings of Dracul Van Helsing, TV Commercials) (, , , , )

And The Wolf Shall Lie Down With A Bottle of Budweiser

Well some group is actually upset with a Super Bowl ad by Budweiser for showing a wolf approach a puppy in a threatening manner.

The group is asking people to call Budweiser and ask them to withdraw that part of the ad before this Sunday’s Super Bowl saying that wolves already receive enough bad PR.

I wonder if we’ll hear this news story on the radio soon:

A rabid animal rights activist was so angry when he heard about the ad, he pulled his truck over to call Budweiser and demand they withdraw that portion of the ad.
When he finished talking on the phone, he looked into the back of the cab of his truck and found a wolf had just eaten the puppy dog in the back he was bringing home to surprise his children.

Meanwhile in other news, a pro-shark group is demanding that Turner Classic Movies stop showing the 1975 Steven Spielberg film Jaws that shows sharks eating humans saying that sharks receive enough bad PR already.

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