Renfield TV Ad

March 23, 2015 at 7:02 pm (Humour, TV Commercials, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Renfield TV Ad

This was the TV ad that Renfield did as a shapeshifting hamster for KIA Motors.

Announcer: What sort of car does successful hamster defense attorney Hairy Masonite drive?

Renfield as Hairy Masonite (doing his best Raymond Burr impersonation): Why a 2015 Kia Cadenza of course.

Announcer: And driving to work in the driver’s seat of a new Kia Cadenza helps keep Hairy Masonite in the driver’s seat of the courtroom.

Renfield as Hairy Masonite: So you see your Honour the District Attorney Mr. Hamsterton Groundbeef’s claim that my client put the cheese in the mousetrap that killed his cheeseaholic Aunt Elsie is clearly false.
If Mr. Hamsterton Groundbeef had bothered to check the facts, he would have discovered that my client has a severe allergy to dairy products and putting the cheese in that trap would have sent my client into a severe allergic reaction from which he might never have recovered.

Announcer: Once again proud Kia Cadenza owner Hairy Masonite saves the day and another innocent hamster goes free spared the gallows and District Attorney Hamsterton Groundbeef’s ineptitude.

Renfield as Hairy Masonite (standing on the steps of the courthouse and waving to his client): And in the words of the immortal Leonard Nimoy in his greatest role as Mr. Spock, “Live long and prosper.” (uses one of his hamster front paws to give the Vulcan salute for the Vulcan proverb Live long and prosper)

His client (waving on sidewalk): Thanks Mr. Masonite.

(turns and crosses the street and is immediately hit by a bus)

Announcer: The new 2015 Kia Cadenza.

Because sometimes it’s just safer to drive across the street…

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Renfield Wants To Do A TV Ad

March 21, 2015 at 6:26 pm (Entertainment, TV Commercials, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Renfield Wants To Do A TV Ad

Renfield R. Renfield was sporting a huge bruise as a result of being hit over the head by a spiked stiletto high-heeled shoe wielded by the Egyptian Vampiress Isis this past Thursday night.

It was a good thing he had been wearing a wig that made him look like Bruce Jenner on a bad hair day or otherwise the bruise might have been even worse.

“I wonder why Jaguar never asked me to do a TV commercial advertising their cars like they did Dr. Cadbury Rocher,” Renfield mused aloud as he held a beef steak over his head.

“Don’t know,” Amadeus Emanon shrugged as he watched the frozen beef steak melting on Renfield’s forehead.

“I think I’d be excellent at doing commercials,” sighed Renfield.

“Well you have the ability to shapeshift into a hamster, why don’t you apply to do a TV ad for KIA motors since they have hamsters in their TV commercials?” Amadeus suggested.

“That’s an excellent idea,” Renfield went over to his computer to google the nearest KIA motors dealership.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday March 21st
2015.

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Isis Stabs Sir Elton John In The Back

March 19, 2015 at 6:36 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Espionage, International Intrigue, News, TV Commercials, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

Isis Stabs Sir Elton John In The Back

The Paris-based Egyptian Vampiress Isis was having dinner with a British cabinet minister in an exclusive London restaurant.

They were discussing the upcoming British general election, the state of Anglo-French relations, the emerging German domination of the European Union and the possibility of an Entente forming between Greece and Russia.

Spying on them and eavesdropping at the next table was Renfield R. Renfield the Chief of Security and Intelligence Gathering for Isis’ arch-enemy the London-based ancient Egyptian Vampire Set.

To escape the Vampiress Isis’ recognition and detection, Renfield had disguised himself by dressing up to look like Bruce Jenner if he/she was having a bad hair day.

“Didn’t the noted sanity challenged scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher work for you for a while?” The British cabinet minister asked Isis.

“He did,” Isis admitted, “but that nasty swine of a shapeshifting hamster/ human Renfield snatched him back to work for the Vampire Set again.”

Renfield quickly sprayed some more Febreze air freshener on his wig as a make-shift hairspray.

“Plus I see Dr. Cadbury Rocher is now doing TV commercials for Jaguar automobiles,” Isis put some red lipstick on her already blood red lips.

“He is?” The British cabinet minister seemed surprised.

“Yes,” Isis applied some more jet black mascara to her already jet black eyelashes, “the one where he takes a cylinder shaped glass elevator down to his secret laboratory brimming with automobiles and announces to the world “The devil is in the details” and then says “Oh yes, there’s method to my madness” as he drives away in either a red or a white Jaguar depending on which ad is being shown.”

“Now, that you mentioned it, I guess I have seen that commercial,” the cabinet minister sipped his Brandy.

Renfield silently seethed at the next table and wondered why he had never been asked to do a TV ad for Jaguar as he ragingly spilled hot chocolate over his formerly white blouse.

“That’s a lovely gown you’re wearing,” the cabinet minister admired Isis’ scarlet red evening dress.

“Thanks,” Isis smiled, “It’s a Dolce Gabbana.”

“That’s a Dolce Gabbana?” The minister put on his spectacles to get a better look down the front of her dress.

“Yes, Dolce Gabbana,” Isis nodded.

“Well, you’re certainly going to lose the admiration of Sir Elton John and his synthetic children over that,” Renfield piped up from the next table.

To be continued.

– A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday March 19th
2015.

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And The Wolf Shall Lie Down With A Bottle of Budweiser

January 30, 2015 at 7:09 pm (Commentary, News, Quotations and Sayings of Dracul Van Helsing, TV Commercials) (, , , , )

And The Wolf Shall Lie Down With A Bottle of Budweiser

Well some group is actually upset with a Super Bowl ad by Budweiser for showing a wolf approach a puppy in a threatening manner.

The group is asking people to call Budweiser and ask them to withdraw that part of the ad before this Sunday’s Super Bowl saying that wolves already receive enough bad PR.

I wonder if we’ll hear this news story on the radio soon:

A rabid animal rights activist was so angry when he heard about the ad, he pulled his truck over to call Budweiser and demand they withdraw that portion of the ad.
When he finished talking on the phone, he looked into the back of the cab of his truck and found a wolf had just eaten the puppy dog in the back he was bringing home to surprise his children.

Meanwhile in other news, a pro-shark group is demanding that Turner Classic Movies stop showing the 1975 Steven Spielberg film Jaws that shows sharks eating humans saying that sharks receive enough bad PR already.

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Renfield Comes Up With Yet Another Idea For A TV Commercial

January 14, 2015 at 7:39 pm (Humour, Satire, TV Commercials, Vampire novel) (, , , , )

Renfield Comes Up With Yet Another Idea For A TV Commercial

Renfield R. Renfield and Amadeus Emanon had spent the past couple of nights watching North American TV channels on their far-reaching super powerful satellite TV.

Tonight they were watching an NHL hockey game.

Voice of announcer: And now here come the Edmonton Oilers hockey players…

(A group of hockey players skate out on to the ice wearing paper bags over their heads)

Renfield remarked to Amadeus, “You know last night, I saw an American TV commercial I hadn’t seen before.”

“Oh, yes,” Amadeus reached for some popcorn.

“Yes,” Renfield went on, “it showed some woman holding on to a rope and rock climbing up a cliff. She suddenly turns her head, looks at the camera and says ‘It’s at moments like these, I’m glad I’m wearing Tampax Proactive’.”

Amadeus stopped reaching for a red licorice Twizzler and reached for a black licorice Twizzler instead.

“Anyways, if I had written and directed that commercial,” Renfield continued, “I would then have had the camera pan in on some guy holding on to the same rope and rock climbing up the cliff directly beneath her suddenly look up, then look at the camera and say, ‘Oh God!!! At moments like these, I’m glad she’s wearing Tampax Proactive too.’

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday January 14th
2015.

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Renfield Writes A Justin Bieber Commercial For American Express

June 25, 2014 at 3:39 pm (Commentary, Entertainment, Humour, News, TV Commercials, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Renfield Writes A Justin Bieber Commercial For American Express

Renfield R. Renfield had recently developed a penchant for writing TV commercials and submitting them to Madison Avenue advertising agencies.

He announced to Amadeus Emanon that he had just written a commercial for the American Express card- one that would have Justin Bieber in it.

“Let’s hear it,” Amadeus sighed.

. . .

Justin Bieber smiled at the camera.

“Hi,” Justin grinned, “do you know me?”.

“Unless I’m wearing an orange jump suit and have numbers in front of me like in my Florida police mug shots, most people don’t recognize me.”

“That’s why I got one of these.”

Justin Bieber holds up an American Express card with his name Justin Bieber on it.

“The American Express card,” Justin Bieber flashed another wide smile, “don’t leave court ordered anger management classes without it.”

. . .

Amadeus sighed again.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday June 23rd
2014.

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Slenderman Commercial For Weight Loss Clinics

June 13, 2014 at 6:12 pm (Commentary, News, Satire, TV Commercials, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Slenderman Commercial For Weight Loss Clinics

“What are you looking so pleased about?” Amadeus Emanon asked Renfield R. Renfield.

“Some big Madison Avenue advertising agency in New York City
is having a competition for who can come up with the best TV commercial advertising weight loss clinics for men,” Renfield grinned, “so I just designed one using my computer graphic and animation skills.”

Renfield then showed Amadeus the commercial on his iMac.

. . .

Standing there was a very tall extremely thin man wearing a black suit and a cartoon blank face.

“Hi there,” the figure introduced himself, “I’m Slenderman. I don’t usually say much… in fact I usually say nothing at all. But you sitting there like the fat slob on the couch that you are has inspired me to say this…

“Get off the couch, fatso. Yeah, I’m talking to you. The one eating his 13th bucket of KFC this hour. The one swallowing his 13th Big Mac this minute. The one inhaling his 13th box of Reese’s Chocolate Peanut Butter Cups this second.

You’re a disgusting obnoxious fat slob. You’re more blob than man. When was the last time you had a date, fatso? In fact, when was the last time you had sex?

You couldn’t have a woman snuggle up next to you on the couch because you take up the entire couch you disgusting fat pig.

While you’re busy stuffing your fat face, thousands of teen-aged girls are dying from anorexia.

Or better yet, girls are killing for me.

How many females would kill for you, you fat-assed ton of lard?

I could count by the number of toes on Oscar Pistorius’ feet how many females would kill for you.

Zilch.

Nada-nada.

A big fat zero.

Like yourself.

A big fat nothing.

So get off the couch.

Stop stuffing your face like a camel on Prozac.

Get out.

Exercise.

And join the Manly Loss Weight Loss Program.

There’s a Manly Loss Weight Loss Clinic near you.

All you’ve got to lose are your pounds.

And I’m not talking about being mugged over in England.

So become a man.

Become slender.

Become… Slenderman.

The type of guy that females will not only die for… but will be willing to kill for.”

. . .

Amadeus said nothing.

But considering the type of society that America had become today, he thought to himself, Renfield’s commercial might just win the competition.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday June 13th
2014.

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Haiku About The Super Bowl

February 2, 2014 at 6:49 pm (Commentary, Entertainment, Humour, Music, News, Poetry, Sports, TV Commercials) (, , , , , , )

Haiku About The Super Bowl

New TV ads shown
Pop stars orgasm at half time
Sports game played as well

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Pan Goatee’s VISA Commercial

October 9, 2013 at 10:24 pm (Commentary, Satire, TV Commercials, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Pan Goatee’s VISA Commercial

Genetically created half-man half-goat satyr Pan Goatee was now doing TV commercials for VISA.

“Hello,” Pan Goatee was shown suntanning on a sun chair on a tropical beach holding a lime margarita with a cute little umbrella in it,  “sometimes you never know when your life is going to change. Earlier this year I was a serial killer wanted by Scotland Yard, Interpol and Europol for all the murders I committed across Britain and Europe.  Today I work as a hired assassin for the U. S. government.”

Pan Goatee takes a sip of his Margarita and grins at the camera.

“I find that my ability to astral project is quite handy in my line of work,” Pan Goatee finishes his Margarita,  “but one thing I found to be a pain in the butt is not every credit card has the ability to astral project with me.  So that’s why I always take VISA.”

Pan Goatee smiles as he holds up a VISA Gold credit card with his name PAN GOATEE written on it.

Voice of actor Morgan Freeman at the end of the commercial,  “Wherever you have to go in the universe, always go with VISA.”

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
  written by Christopher
  Wednesday October 9th
  2013

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The Coppertop Were-Zomb-ire

October 10, 2011 at 9:13 pm (TV Commercials, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

As Renfield sat looking depressed over the dead body of his most recent creation the Were-Zomb-ire, the redheaded cyborg Sophia entered the Set Enterprises lab wearing a tight fitting red mini dress, red silk nylons and red super spiked stiletto high-heeled shoes.

She was followed by Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell the Executive Vice-President of Aulos Music and Recording Ltd. as well as a TV camera crew.

“What are you doing here?” Renfield asked the sexy and sultry cyborg.

“I’m here to shoot a TV commercial about your dead creation the Were-Zomb-ire,” Sophia answered, “my recording manager Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell figures it will help my music career.”

“Oh great,” Renfield threw up his hands, “first someone posted a blog entry about my creation the Were-Zomb-ire’s death at Xanga a site no one cares about (except for C.S. Lewis wannabes with a fetish for boobs and non-butterfly little read unpopular Malaysian bloggers who don’t have a fetish for boobs) and now you’re going to broadcast my failure to the entire world.”

“That’s right,” Sophia adjusted her nylons and then smiled for the camera.

“Hit it,” Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell gave her the thumbs up.

“I’m sitting here with colossal failure Renfield R, Renfield,” Sophia smiled engagingly, “whose recent creation the Were-Zomb-ire a creature part werewolf, part zombie and part vampire was killed shortly after it was created. Mr. Renfield, what are your plans for the future?”.

“Well, I’ve been offered the position of Secretary of State in a second Obama Administration for after the next U.S. election….” Renfield tried to smile.

“Let’s try fitting your Were-Zomb-ire with a Duracell battery shall we?” Sophia cuts open the Were-Zomb-ire’s stomach with a butcher knife and then inserts a Duracell battery and then stitches together the incision with thread and then delivers an electrical charge to the Were-Zomb-ire’s stomach.

The Were-Zomb-ire then rises to life again.

“Duracell the Coppertop Battery,” Sophia smiles at the camera, “the battery recommended and used by most professional mad scientists.”

The Were-Zomb-ire then tears the door off the Set Enterprises lab and sets off to terrorize the City of London.

Amadeus Emanon enters through the now non-existent door of the Set Enterprises lab licking a maple walnut chocolate ice cream cone and remarking, “Hey Renfield, I noticed your Were-Zomb-ire came back to life and just stepped on the Energizer Bunny. It’s no longer going and going…”

To be continued.

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