Actual Rings of Fire Beyond Smoke and Mirrors? Or Millstone Around Neck Midnight Swims?

August 24, 2018 at 10:24 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, Horror, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, News, Television, The Supernatural, TV Shows, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Actual Rings of Fire Beyond Smoke and Mirrors? Or Millstone Around Neck Midnight Swims?

“It were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.”

-Jesus Christ to His Apostles
as recorded in Luke 17: 2 (KJV)

“Where their worm dieth not and the fire is not quenched.”

-Jesus Christ to His Apostles
as recorded in Mark 9:48 (KJV)

“Why is she called the Sacred Riana?” Pope Francis asked Samhain Cardinal Salaman (who had been a professional stage magician prior to his being named to the Vatican College of Cardinals) after he and the Cardinal watched clips of Indonesia’s great female magician, mentalist and illusionist performing on America’s Got Talent.

Cardinal Samhain Salaman (the ex-magician) shrugged.

He genuinely did not know.

. . .

The defrocked former priest gulped.

And not because he was watching Pennsylvania Attorney-General Josh Shapiro discuss the Grand Jury report on priestly sexual abuse at a news conference in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania on CNN News.

He had just received word from a colleague of his (they had been involved in a group of 12 pedophile priests in the same city- part of a much larger pedophile network of priests in Pennsylvania that in turn were part of a much larger pedophile network of priests in the U.S. that in turn were part of a much larger global pedophile network of priests across the world) that 10 of their colleagues had been burned to death in their residences.

. . .

“Help us, Riana, help us,” the voices of children – both boys and girls called out to the long haired young Asian woman in the red dress and white silk tights as she tried to sleep.

The long haired young Asian woman saw sinister looking figures dressed in black robes approaching the children and asking in almost demonic sounding masculine voices, “Do you want to play?”.

“Avenge us, Riana, avenge us,” the children cried as they disappeared under the robes of the sinister men in black.

. . .

The defrocked former priest thought he saw an arm in blue emerge out of the mirror in his bedroom.

He also thought he saw smoke emerging from the mirror.

He walked over to the mirror and a long haired young Asian woman dressed in a blue dress and white silk tights reached out her right blue sleeved arm from the looking glass of the mirror and grabbed the defrocked priest by the throat.

Fire burned in the background in the mirror as the young woman stepped out from the mirror.

Soon other long haired young Asian women dressed in blue dresses and white silk tights emerged from the mirror as the fire in the mirror continued to expand.

The defrocked priest turned to get away when he noticed standing on top of his dresser was a long haired young Asian woman in a red dress and white silk tights who was holding a doll in one hand and with her other hand seemed to be directing the blue dress wearing long haired young Asian women to attack the pedophile defrocked priest.

The young Asian women ripped the pedophile defrocked priest apart as flames engulfed his entire house.

The next morning as the Fire Department and the police went through the blackened rubble of smouldering charcoaled remains, all that was found intact was a silver Crucifix, a statue of the Virgin Mary and a glimmering antique mirror that had carved wooden dragons, worms, snakes and flames around the edges.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday August 24th
2018.

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Cthulhu Threatens Vengeance On America For Sacred Riana Being Voted Off AGT: A Horror Poem

August 22, 2018 at 10:39 pm (Avatar Speaks, Celebrities, Entertainment, Folklore, Ghost Story, Horror, Humour, International Intrigue, Literature, love, Mystery/horror, Mythology, News, Poetry, Romance, Television, The Occult, The Supernatural, Theatre Arts, TV Shows) (, , , , , , , )

Cthulhu Threatens Vengeance On America For Sacred Riana Being Voted Off AGT: A Horror Poem

It was the city proud to be oh so happy and gay
not so the creature now dwelling in the Bay
San Francisco felt a shaking
and it wasn’t earthquaking
It was Cthulhu as mad as Hell
but not at Mel B. or Simon Cowell
Howie Mandel was likewise all right
but Heidi Klum got a fright in the night
A tentacle 🐙 grabbed her leg
and it wasn’t Trump taken down a peg

For Cthulhu was in love with the Sacred Riana
like King King showing Fay Wray his big banana
He was expecting his favourite magician to go all the way
not burnt to ashes like a voodoo doll on a hot summer day

For America had voted Riana out
as Heidi complained of leg pain worse than gout
And now America would pay a very high price
and it wouldn’t be tariffs on chicken fried rice 🍚

A creature from the Lovecraftian Mythos
was with the land of the free extremely cross
No need to worry about Putin, Iran or Kim
For America, Cthulhu now has it in
It will drown in blood
like a raging flood
Fake news or not
but tentacles 🦑 of death shall hit the spot
and of making the land great again, it shall all come to not.

-A comic horror poem
written by Christopher
Wednesday August 22nd
2018.

The Sacred Riana is Cthulhu’s queen
She ascended a fiery wall before commercial break scene
She was crawling up to be crowned the Queen of Hell
from the Beast like creature who at the bottom of the sea 🌊 does dwell

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Haiku About Mary Tyler Moore R.I.P.

January 26, 2017 at 12:38 pm (News, Obituaries, TV Shows) (, , )

Her smile lit up world
TV dates with her the best
We’ll miss you, Mary

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Renfield’s Preferred Political System and Lobster Dreams of Perry Mason

April 9, 2016 at 8:01 pm (Comedy, Entertainment, Humour, Television, TV Shows, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

Renfield’s Preferred Political System and Lobster Dreams of Perry Mason

“Say, Renfield,” Amadeus asked his friend as he flipped through a Political Science textbook, “in your opinion, what’s the best political system and form of government?”.

“An absolute monarchy with myself as absolute monarch,” Renfield replied.

Meanwhile down in his lobster tank at the Set Enterprises laboratory, Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster was fast asleep.

He, along with his creator Dr. Cadbury Rocher, had been watching a grueling television marathon of old episodes of the Perry Mason TV show with Raymond Burr.

Now he was fast asleep in his aquarium while Cadbury Rocher was in his even more secret lab (unknown to all at Set Enterprises) working on what he considered his master creation- a genetically created replica of the winged horse Pegasus.

In Michelangelo’s dream, he was dreaming of an old black and white episode of Perry Mason with Raymond Burr that was never shown on television because it was considered too hot for the America of the late 1950s to handle.

The name of the episode was Perry Mason Solves The Case of The Tomatoed Buns.

Special guest star for the episode was Sherlock Holmes’ twin sister- the quite literally immortal (as in never dying due to eating immortal life giving Supernatural mushrooms) leather skirted dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes.

This was the courtroom scene from that episode that Michelangelo dreamed:

Perry Mason: Now Miss Holmes, when we use the term “tomatoed buns”, I take it we’re not talking about a certain food item we can select down at our local neighbourhood smorgasbord buffet, are we?

Miss Holmes (raising one of her black silk nylon legs on the witness stand and adjusting both her skirt and one of her spiked stiletto high heeled shoes): Indeed, Mr. Mason, we are not.

A large crack suddenly appeared on the glass of Michelangelo’s aquarium as the lobster started hyperventilating under water over this dream sequence.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday April 8th
2016.

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Stan Was The Man: A Poem Introduced By Alfred Hitchcock

January 15, 2016 at 8:38 pm (Entertainment, Movies, Poetry, Television, TV Shows, Vampire novel) (, , , , )

Stan Was The Man: A Poem Introduced By Alfred Hitchcock

Alfred Hitchcock: Good evening, I’m Alfred Hitchcock and welcome to Alfred Hitchcock Presents. I’ll start out by saying that rumours of my death have not been greatly exaggerated. I’ve been dead now for almost 36 years. But as the old saying goes, you can’t keep a good man down.
So by popular demand, my ghost has returned to bring you an encore presentation of my popular television series Alfred Hitchcock Presents for this year of 2016.
As you know I was the host of an extremely successful television series that ran on two different networks CBS and NBC over the course of a decade back in the late ’50s and early ’60s.
Those were the days when television studios relied on good plots and captivating dialogue to grip and enthrall their audiences.
Today of course they rely on gratuitous sex and excessive violence and close-up shots of derrières of air headed celebrities in an effort to keep their ratings high.
Some producer recently suggested that maybe they should try producing one television show this year that actually relied on that extremely old fashioned formula of good plots and captivating dialogue.
The producer immediately found himself pushed through the window of the board room from the high floor of the building he was in.
So regretably he won’t be around to see his proposal come to fruition.
I myself just happened to be in the neighbourhood at the time appearing as a special guest on a Haunted Hollywood tour.
So they asked me to line up a program in the late lamented producer’s memory.
So tonight, I am pleased to present a television episode that’s in the form of a poem.
The poem is entitled Stan Was The Man.

Stan Was The Man: A Poem

Stan was the man
The man with the plan
The plan was to steal the Crown Jewels
and make Scotland Yard look like fools
Into the Tower of London he went
claiming to be the Duke of Kent
he helped himself to the Crown Jewels
and left behind miniature toy mules
Into the getaway car he hopped
and not once was the fleeing vehicle stopped
On streets and roads and sidewalks it went
carrying the pseudo-Duke of Kent
to pursuing police cars it would not yield
even denting the car of Renfield R. Renfield
That was their fatal mistake
one they’d regret to Eternity’s gate
Renfield followed in hot pursuit
who he ran over, he didn’t give a hoot
Cameron would end up replacing half his cabinet
after they wound up on London streets like scrambled eggs and squashed rabbit
Renfield caught up with the robbers three
after they crashed into a bakery
He pulled out his gun
while ordering a bun
and shot the trio dead
while helping himself to jam so red
He then ate the bun
and said, I have to run
and off he drove
this son of a gun.

Alfred Hitchcock: And so ends tonight’s episode told in the form of a poem.
Stan discovered too late that the best laid plans of mice and men often go astray.
The Crown Jewels were returned to the Tower of London, Stan and his compatriots paid an impromptu visit to the London Morgue and Renfield discovered a great new place to buy cinnamon buns.
As that most illustrious of playwrights Mr. William Shakespeare once said, “All’s well that ends well.”
And so with that in mind, I bid you adieu and good night ladies and gentlemen.

-A poem, episode of Alfred Hitchcock Presents and
vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday January 15th
2016.

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Fox and Scully: An X-Files Christmas

December 24, 2015 at 8:01 pm (International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, TV Shows, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Fox and Scully: An X-Files Christmas

Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing was dreaming.

And in his dream were FBI agents Fox Mulder and Dana Scully of the X-Files.

Mulder: Do you believe in the existence of demons, Scully?

Scully (looking at him) : Define demons, Mulder.

Mulder (laughs) : Ever the sceptic eh, Scully. Well I’m not talking about the inner demons that psychologists and psychiatrists talk about. Nor addictions be it drugs, alcohol, sex.

Scully: Sex addiction eh? (laughs) That’s what you are, Mulder. A sex addict.

Mulder: Sex addict? You really think I’m a sex addict, Scully?

Scully (raises her skirt and crosses her legs) : A sex addict who isn’t getting any sex. That makes you the most dangerous kind. A person who then has the ability to sense the Supernatural when it brushes in on the material plane of existence.

Mulder: I’d love to discuss this fascinating theory of yours sometime, Scully.

Scully: Sure, Mulder. Then I’ll sleep with you. And the end result will be you’ll just become a regular normal run-of-the-mill FBI agent. The X-Files will be shut down. And supernatural entities will then have free reign all over planet Earth to bring about their plans of chaos and disorder.

Mulder: Which brings me back to my original question, Scully. Do you believe in the existence of demons? Demons hereby being defined as usually unseen supernatural entities with the ability to occasionally penetrate this material plane of existence- entities that were once angels- but who fell either as a result of joining a chap called Lucifer in rebellion to overthrow God or angels who fell as a result of a desire or inclination to sleep with mortal women which they did- thereby resulting in their fall.

Scully (laughing) : A desire or inclination to sleep with mortal women? There’s your sex addiction coming through again, Mulder.

Mulder: If you’re going to carry on like this, Scully, maybe we should just go into the bedroom for a quickie right now and get this whole X-Files business over with once and for all.

Scully (laughing) : I’m sorry, Mulder. I do find it fascinating though that you have separated the two events.

Mulder: Two events?

Scully (smiling) : Of how angels became demons. First there were angels who joined Lucifer in rebellion against God. They fell and became demons. Then there were angels who lusted after mortal women – they gave in to this inclination and thus fell and became demons. So there were two sets of demons- angels who were originally revolutionaries and then angels who became horny and then literally became horny (along with pitchfork and tails) afterwards.

Mulder: Well according to the 1st Book of Enoch which is the long expanded non-Reader’s Digest non-condensed narrative of the events described in Genesis Chapter 6, God had set those angels as Watchers over the Earth to watch over humanity. Why would God choose demons as Watchers? If you read the narrative carefully, those Watchers were originally good angels who fell as a result of giving in to their desire to sleep with mortal women.

Scully: All right, Mulder.

Mulder: I was told that in Eastern Orthodox Church tradition angels had up until the 1st Coming of Christ to decide whether they were for or against God. Once Christ arrived the 1st time in incarnate form as a babe in Bethlehem, the choices angels had made up until that point in time decided their eternal fate. Michael, Gabriel and Raphael had consistently chosen for God so their eternal fate as good angels was finally sealed at Christ’s 1st Coming. Just like for humans, the choice is open up until the moment of their death or until the 2nd Coming of Christ (whatever happens first in the respective lives of humans) to decide to be for or against God.

Scully (smiling) : This is fascinating, Mulder. You should have become a priest.

Mulder: I’d have problems with celibacy, Scully, for reasons you deduced earlier in our conversation.

Scully (smiles) : Are you saying that I’m right, Mulder?

Mulder: You’re always right, Scully.

Scully (crossing and uncrossing her legs several times) : True compliments have their rewards, Mulder.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday December 23rd
2015.

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Renfield’s Voyages of The Starship Perverterprise

December 22, 2015 at 8:21 pm (Comedy, Culture, Entertainment, Humour, Satire, Science-Fiction, Short play, Short play/ comedy, Television, TV Shows, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , )

Renfield’s Voyages of The Starship Perverterprise

Renfield was on his computer watching a porno movie he wrote and produced called Star Dick.

The movie began with this narration:

“Star Dick… orgy date 3233.4321 … I’m Captain James E. Quirk. These are the voyages of the Starship Perverterprise… its 5 year mission… to explore strange new positions… to seek out new forms of sexual deviation… to boldly go where no man has gone before…”

The Executive Producer of the film in the credits was listed as Gene Popacherry which was the pseudonym Renfield used for this particular movie.

Renfield watched the following scene from the movie:

(Captain’s Quarters, Starship Perverterprise. Mr. Spook is bending over and Captain Quirk is directly behind him)

Mr. Spook: I must say, Captain, this is a very unusual positron.

Captain Quirk: Indeed Mr. Spook. It’s a position I learned from reading the Kama Sutra that great ancient Indian work of literature. It’s a book you should really read, Mr. Spook. Brush up on the earthling human side of your heritage. After all, a ship’s science officer should not live on Volcanian logic and reasoning alone.

Mr. Spook: So it would appear, Captain. Now if you wouldn’t mind disentangling yourself from my lower regions, I really wouldn’t mind getting back to work.

Captain Quirk: Um… that may be a bit of a problem, Mr. Spook.

Mr. Spook: May I inquire as to why that is so, Captain?

Captain Quirk: I must confess that I didn’t read the rest of that particular chapter of the Kama Sutra, Mr. Spook. The part that gives instructions for disentanglement.

Mr. Spook: A fine mess you’ve got us into, Captain. Do you propose that we walk around the Perverterprise like this? Like a set of conjoined Siamese twins born into the condition of a permanent pose in a Turkish bath house orgy?

Captain Quirk: I’m trying to think, Mr. Spook.

Mr. Spook: I wish you had done some thinking before hand, Captain. It’s rushing ahead without using the principles of logic that often leads to catastrophic situations such as the one we currently find ourselves in.

Captain Quirk: Well I don’t exactly recall you saying no when I first proposed this experiment, Mr. Spook.

Mr. Spook: Well as the ship’s science officer, I thought it might expand my knowledge of the universe. I wasn’t counting on it expanding the cleft between my buttocks instead.

Captain Quirk: Hold on, Mr. Spook, I’m going to get my beeper out.

Mr. Spook: Oh God. Not again, Captain.

Captain Quirk: I was referring to my telecommunicator, Mr. Spook.

Mr. Spook: Oh, thank heavens.

Captain Quirk (on his telecommunicator) : Are you there, Scatty?

Scatty (with a thick Scottish brogue) : I’m in the engine room, Captain. I’m eating some Scottish haggis and playing with the lever on my control panel.

Captain Quirk: Scatty, I need you to go down to the ship’s library and get the volume of the Kama Sutra and bring it to my private quarters immediately.

Scatty: Why should I do that, Captain?

Captain Quirk: Because even though we live in the 23rd Century, our advanced space-based civilization seems to have forgotten how to use the Internet and Google.

Scatty: No, I mean, why do you require the Kama Sutra, Captain?

Captain Quirk: That’s none of your business, Mr. Scat. Just get to the library and get the damned Kama Sutra and bring it here.

(Quirk angrily closes the top flap on his Telecommunicator)

Mr. Spook: With all due respect, Captain, I think Scatty is going to discover the reason why you need the Kama Sutra when he walks into the room and discovers us like this.

Captain Quirk: I’ll worry about crossing that bridge when I come to it, Mr. Spook.

Mr. Spook: I have the feeling Julius Caesar never encountered such a problem when he crossed the Rubicon.

Captain Quirk: Which explains how he ended up Dictator of the Roman Republic while I’m only the captain of the Starship Perverterprise.

(Quirk’s telecommunicator goes off)

Quirk (opening up his telecommunicator) : What is it, Scatty?

Scatty: I canna leave the engine room, Captain. One of the engines is undergoing a meltdown.

Captain Quirk: An engine meltdown?

Scatty: Yes, Captain, ever since a reproduction print of the early 20th Century Modigliani reclining nude portrait painting of the famous immortal Sherrielock Holmes was placed in the engine room, our engines have experienced numerous meltdowns.

Mr. Spook (commenting) : The lobsters in the ship’s aquarium have also experienced severe hyperventilating problems ever since that painting was unveiled, Captain.

Captain Quirk: All right, Scatty. I’ll try to get ahold of Mr. Mumu or Officer Rockoff.

Scatty: I must remind you, Captain- that all of the ship’s men are currently in the ship’s theatre watching tonight’s UFC Fight from Alpha Centauri.

Captain Quirk: Damn. I forgot about that.

Mr. Spook: If you wouldn’t mind listening to a Volcanian observation of condescending superiority, Captain, it seems that all you earthling men ever think about is sex or sports.

Captain Quirk: I’m afraid you’ve got us there, Mr. Spook.

Mr. Spook: And thanks to a temporary lapse in my Volcanian logical reasoning ability and judgement, I’m afraid you’ve got me there as well, Captain.

Captain Quirk (on telecommunicator) : All right, Scatty. I’ll try to get ahold of the ship’s communications officer Lt. Ucausehardonia.

Scatty: All right, Captain. I must go now. There goes another engine.

Captain Quirk: So long, Scatty.

Mr. Spook: I hope you can get ahold of Lt. Ucausehardonia because my Volcanian ears can feel a 7 year itch coming on.

Captain Quirk: This is going to be embarrassing asking a woman to fetch the Kama Sutra from the library, Mr. Spook. When Lt. Ucausehardonia comes here and finds us like this, she’s going to wonder about my sexual orientation.

Mr. Spook: My own judgement of your sexual orientation was made up the moment you suggested this bizarre exercise in physical gymnastics, Captain. I just went along with it because being a Volcanian, I’ll try anything once- a cultural tradition I’ll now be forced to re-evaluate in lieu of this particular incident.

Captain Quirk (on telecommunicator) : Lt. Ucausehardonia?

Lt. Ucausehardonia: Lt. Ucausehardonia here, Captain.

Captain Quirk: Lt., I was wondering if you could go down to the library and pick up the volume of the Kama Sutra located there and bring it here to my private quarters.

Lt. Ucausehardonia (in a sexy sultry voice) : Gosh, you’ve been feeling awfully amorous the past 24 hours haven’t you, Captain? I still haven’t recovered from your historical re-enactment of Evel Knievel penetrating into the Grand Canyon that you performed on me last night.

Captain Quirk (his face turning red) :
Actually, I was just wanting to finish reading a particular chapter I’ve never finished reading.

Lt. Ucausehardonia: Well I’m afraid the ship’s doctor Boner MacRoy checked that book out of the library when he left for 3 days vacation on the planet Orgasma, Captain.

Captain Quirk: All right, thanks anyways, Lt. (puts down the flap on his telecommunicator) : Shit! How could you do this to me, Boner?

Mr. Spook: So Captain, it appears that the good doctor has screwed you in more ways than one.

Captain Quirk: I’m… we’re going to have to go down to the bridge and set an emergency course to the planet Orgasma to pick up that book.

Mr. Spook: So we’ll have to walk the corridors of the Perverterprise looking like a kinky circus act in some Quentin Tarantino burlesque freak show.

Captain Quirk: I’m afraid so, Mr. Spook. I just hope that when we’re down on the bridge, the Federation doesn’t decide to hold one of their impromptu interplanetary televised teleconferencing calls. Where the whole galaxy will see us like this. Otherwise I’ll have a terrible time trying to explain this to the Federation.

Mr. Spook: To say nothing of your girlfriend, Captain.

– A vampire novel chapter
and Renfieldian episode
of Star Dick: Voyages
of The Starship Perverterprise
written by Christopher
during the period
Friday December 18th
to
Monday December 21st
2015.

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Renfield and The Kardashian/Jenner Clan’s Latest Shenanigans

October 18, 2015 at 6:13 pm (Culture, Entertainment, News, Sports, Television, TV Commercials, TV Shows, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

Renfield And The Kardashian/Jenner Clan’s Latest Shenanigans

Renfield R. Renfield sat on the sofa and spoke to Amadeus Emanon, “You know with all the international espionage activities I’ve been involved in the past week, I really haven’t had time to keep up with the Kardashians. I wonder what the latest news is involving the Kardashian/Jenner clan and their inner circle?”.

Renfield used the remote to put on the television while Amadeus continued to eat the half dozen steak and kidney pies he’d been eating.

“So,” Renfield mockingly asked the television, “what’s the latest with the Kardashian/Jenner clan?”.

A TV commercial was on.

TV Commercial spokesman: Are you the sort of guy who wouldn’t want to be caught dead in a Nevada brothel?

Then to avoid such future embarrassment, use Viagra.

The real thing.

Not those cheap herbal imitations.

And here’s another piece of advice for you, my whoremongering friend.

That slogan Things Go Better With Coke doesn’t always hold true.

So use Viagra.

The real thing.

After all you wouldn’t want to be caught dead or near death in a Nevada brothel.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday October 18th
2015.

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Haiku About Raymond Red Reddington

August 15, 2015 at 6:49 pm (Culture, Entertainment, Espionage, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Espionage, International Intrigue, Poetry, Television, TV Shows) (, , , )

Haiku About Raymond Red Reddington

Ray “Red” Reddington
outwits enemies with flair
better Red than dead

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Haiku About Scottish Singer Susan Boyle’s 2009 Appearance On Britain’s Got Talent

July 18, 2015 at 7:32 pm (Entertainment, Music, Musicals, Poetry, Songs, Television, TV Shows) (, , , , , , , , )

Haiku About Scottish Singer Susan Boyle’s 2009 Appearance On Britain’s Got Talent

She did dream a dream
wowing stern Simon Cowell
dreams sometimes come true

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