Sherrielock Holmes Reflects On The Vampiress Showdown At Sundown

December 20, 2016 at 5:14 pm (Ghost Story, Humour, Romance, The Supernatural, western) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Sherrielock Holmes Reflects On The Vampiress Showdown At Sundown

Things quieted down in Hayden, Colorado after the Aztec gold was dug up and stolen by a group of marauding Mormons who took it to Utah with them.

This later gave American forensic geologist Scott Wolter something to do for his early 21st Century TV show America Unearthed.

Since there was no longer any reason to stay in Hayden, Isis flew back to Paris by way of New York and Qonzilqointec returned to Mexico City by way of San Francisco.

“At last, peace and quiet,” Sherrielock sighed to herself as she lay in bed.

She might finally be able to get to sleep at night.

-A western vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday July 28th
2016.

Permalink 21 Comments

Qonzilqointec vs. Isis: The Vampiress Showdown At Sundown

December 19, 2016 at 4:20 pm (Ghost Story, Humour, Romance, The Supernatural, Vampire novel, western) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Qonzilqointec vs. Isis: The Vampiress Showdown At Sundown

The Egyptian vampiress Isis was none too pleased that one of the gold bars her archaeologist found had been stolen by the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec (although Qonzilqointec claimed Aztec reclamation).

“This means war,” Isis seethed.

It wasn’t long before the showdown.

As Howard Cosell might have called it had he been alive at the time, The Showdown After Sundown.

Dressed in elaborate Parisienne and Madrid made evening gowns with holsters tied around their waists, they stood (in spiked stiletto high-heeled shoes) facing one another.

Inside each holster was a hawthorne wooden stake- guaranteed to kill the Undead dead.

Or so the sign read down at Van Helsing’s Lumber Yard in town.

Both Isis and Qonzilqointec had purchased their stakes without bothering to ask if there was a money back guarantee.

The town’s sheriff called out, “Draw.”

Each vampiress quickly pulled the stake out of their respective holsters and threw it at the other.

Qonzilqointec’s stake hit and broke Isis’ right vampiric incisor tooth.

“Oh Great God Ra, that’s going to cost me a fortune in dental work,” Isis moaned.

The town dentist stood rubbing his hands in glee.

Isis’ stake hit and struck Qonzilqointec’s left breast.

“Oh great Quetzalcoatl, it’s going to cost me a fortune to get that scar removed,” Qonzilqointec moaned.

The town doctor (who had a breast fetish) stood rubbing his hands in glee.

Belvedere who was busy eating a heavily garlic laced onion soup noticed that the two vampiresses were keeping away from him (of course so was everyone else for that matter).

-A western vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday July 28th
2016.

Permalink Leave a Comment

Qonzilqointec Confronts French Archaeologist Pompidou De Gaulle

December 17, 2016 at 2:27 pm (Ghost Story, Humour, Romance, The Supernatural, Vampire novel, western) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Qonzilqointec Confronts French Archaeologist Pompidou De Gaulle

“This gold bar has the seal of Montezuma on it,” French archaeologist Pompidou De Gaulle pointed out to Belvedere.

“It doesn’t look like a seal from pictures I’ve seen of them,” Belvedere looked puzzled, “I thought a seal kind of looked like an otter sorta.”

“You’re thinking of those sea mammals that eat fish and bark a lot,” De Gaulle glared at Belvedere, “A seal in this case refers to a special symbol used to represent the authority of the Aztec Emperor Montezuma.”

“I’ll take that gold bar if you don’t mind, Dr. Pompidou De Gaulle,” the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec entered the saloon wearing a gold evening dress, “after all, it belongs to my people.”

“Your people?” Dr. Pompidou De Gaulle was astonished.

“The Aztecs,” she smiled her vampiric incisors at the Frenchman, “Do you know what we did to our sacrificial victims?”.

“Didn’t you tear their living still beating hearts out of their chests and eat them?” Dr. De Gaulle gulped.

“Yes,” she stepped closer to the archaeologist.

“I don’t think Miss Sherrielock appreciates blood on the saloon floor unless it’s in the dominatrix whipping dungeon downstairs,” Belvedere spoke up, “You’re going to have to step outside.”

Dr. Pompidou De Gaulle ran out the door.

Qonzilqointec turned into a bat and followed him out the door.

“I’m going to have to cut down on eating the chef’s wild mushroom soup special,” Belvedere remarked upon seeing the vampiress’ transformation from sexy human to winged flying mammal.

-A western vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday July 28th
2016.

Permalink Leave a Comment

Qonzilqointec, Isis and The Lost Aztec Gold of Hayden, Colorado

December 16, 2016 at 4:41 pm (Ghost Story, Humour, Romance, The Supernatural, Vampire novel, western) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

Qonzilqointec, Isis and The Lost Aztec Gold of Hayden, Colorado

Pompidou De Gaulle was a French archaeologist. He had been hired by the Egyptian Vampiress Isis to discover the location where the Aztecs might have buried their gold after fleeing Mexico following Hernan Cortez’s conquest of Montezuma’s Empire.

The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec on the other hand was the woman who injected the poison she called Montezuma’s Revenge into the water supply of Mexico which affected only non-Mexican visitors to the land the Aztecs once ruled.

Several centuries later, Qonzilqointec would inject the same poison (Montezuma’s Revenge) into the drinking water at the 2016 Republican Convention in Cleveland, Ohio. She added to the mischief and mayhem by building miniature walls around the washrooms and getting the delegates to pay for them (they had to pay to enter).

Such was the situation looming in the town of Hayden, Colorado in the year 1880- a point in time between Cortez”s conquest of Mexico in 1519 and the Republican National Convention in Cleveland in 2016.

-A western vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday July 26th
2016.

Permalink Leave a Comment

Sherrielock Holmes Reflects On Vampiresses In The Wild West Town of Hayden

December 15, 2016 at 5:37 pm (Ghost Story, Humour, The Supernatural, Vampire novel, western) (, , , , , , , , , , )

Sherrielock Holmes Reflects On Vampiresses In The Wild West Town of Hayden

The Wild West Tomatoes and Mushroom Saloon owner Sherrielock Holmes sat in a white evening dress in her second floor office above the saloon tabulating last month’s profits. She had noticed her accountant had made a mistake in tabulating the figures.

She bit down sharply on the prongs of the cat o’ nine tails she kept in her office- a sure sign that she was angry. She would have to give him a good tomatoing over this.

She turned her mind to other things that were troubling her. She had heard that there were two vampiresses in the town of Hayden, Colorado- both of them looking for lost Aztec gold. She had the feeling this town wasn’t big enough for the both of them- and one of them would have to get out of town by sunrise.

-A western vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday July 25th
2016.

Permalink 10 Comments

Belvedere Meets The Egyptian Vampiress Isis

December 14, 2016 at 6:26 pm (Ghost Story, Humour, Romance, The Supernatural, Vampire novel, western) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Belvedere Meets The Egyptian Vampiress Isis

Belvedere was down in The Wild Tomatoes and Mushrooms Saloon working late when the saloon door opened and in walked a beautiful Egyptian looking woman in a maroon red evening dress.

“Good evening,” said Belvedere.

“I am the Egyptian Vampiress Isis,” said the woman as she walked regally towards Belvedere’s bar.

“A vampiress?” Belvedere reached for a glass of water and gulped it down, “Another vampiress was in here recently.”

“That wasn’t the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec by any chance was it?” Isis bore her fangs.

“As a matter of fact it was,” Belvedere poured himself a second glass of water.

“She must be looking for the lost Aztec gold as well,” Isis ordered a glass of cognac.

“She was,” Belvedere reached for a third glass of water and then poured a cognac handing it to Isis.

“I shall beat her to it,” said Isis.

“I take it you two are rivals,” Belvedere thought of Generals Robert E. Lee and Ulysses S. Grant.

“She supported Juarez and I supported the Emperor Maximilian in the Mexican War,” Isis recalled her attempts to help French Emperor Napoleon III dominate world affairs.

“I take it you don’t celebrate Cinco De Mayo then?” Belvedere asked casually.

Isis threw the cognac in his face.

“I’ll take that as a no, then,” Belvedere wiped his face with a towel.

-A western vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday July 24th
2016.

Permalink Leave a Comment

Haiku About John Wayne

September 26, 2016 at 4:08 pm (Culture, Entertainment, Film, Movies, Poetry, western) (, , , , , )

Haiku About John Wayne

Happy trails lie west
This Duke king of the cowboys
rides tall in saddle

Permalink 6 Comments

The Old Gunslinger Returns

July 6, 2016 at 8:28 pm (Vampire novel, western) (, , , , , , , )

The Old Gunslinger Returns

As Belvedere stood behind the bar on this warm evening and pondered the exciting possibility that there might actually be Aztec gold in Hayden, Colorado, Sherrielock Holmes came running down the stairs in a lovely black and white evening gown and shouted, “Someone get Fat Tommy to the saloon. The Desperate Desperados Gang is riding into town tonight.”

The Desperate Desperados were a gang of cutthroat bandits and outlaws who took no prisoners but helped themselves to everything else.

Fat Tommy in his youth had been a famous gunslinger who then had the name Slim Tommy.

But times had changed.

Tommy lost his gunslinging ability for hamburger slinging followed by swallowing.

He had exchanged his slim waist line for an opportunity to play Moby Dick in a stage production (provided he lost enough weight to fit the whale’s actual size).

Still desperate times called for desperate measures and seeing as how the Desperate Desperados were riding into town, Fat Tommy was being asked by Sherrielock Holmes to gunsling once more.

Fat Tommy arrived in the saloon (he had some trouble getting through the swinging doors) and tried sitting down (breaking dozens of chairs in the process) and finally stood at the bar and ordered 300 plates of pork and beans.

When he finished his 300th plate, he wiped his mouth with a handkerchief and walked (more like waddled) out the door.

It was sundown.

The Desperate Desperados were just riding into town with their guns drawn and hooting and hollering.

They stopped outside the saloon.

Fat Tommy turned around, bent over and let ‘er rip.

That explains the reason for the huge quantity of pork and beans eaten, Belvedere thought as he watched.

The Desperate Desperados rode out of town like bats out of Hell.

Never had Belvedere seen outlaws or horses move so quickly.

Fat Tommy then started walking back towards the saloon.

“No, Fat Tommy,” Sherrielock ordered, “you’re not coming back in here tonight. I’ve yet to buy insurance on the chandeliers.”

-A western vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday July 6th
2016.

Permalink 18 Comments

Belvedere Meets Qonzilqointec

July 4, 2016 at 8:31 pm (Vampire novel, western) (, , , , )

Belvedere Meets Qonzilqointec

Belvedere was awarded the Hayden, Colorado Town Medal of Valour for slaying the vampire.

After the ceremony, Belvedere went back to the saloon.

He began wiping down the bar.

Just then the saloon doors opened and a beautiful looking Mexican woman wearing a beautiful purple evening dress walked through the doors.

She walked up to the bar.

“Evening, ma’am,” Belvedere greeted her, “what can I get you?”.

“Just a glass of iced water please,” she answered.

“One glass of iced water coming up,” Belvedere poured her a glass of iced water from the pitcher kept in the cooler.

“So you’re the man who slew the vampire?” She looked at him.

“Wow, word certainly gets around, doesn’t it?” Belvedere blushed.

“I myself am a Vampiress,” the woman smiled showing sharp vampiric incisors, “I am the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec.”

“Really?” Belvedere looked shocked.

He felt bad at having to stake such a beautiful woman.

“But I’m not here to bite anyone on the neck so you don’t have to stake me,” Qonzilqointec smiled.

“That’s good to hear,” Belvedere quickly drank a glass of iced water himself.

“I’m here in Hayden, Colorado because,” the Aztec vampire princess leaned over to whisper to him, “this is one of the places believed that a group of Aztecs heading north to escape Cortes’ conquest of the Aztec Empire came and buried the Lost Gold of the Aztecs.”

“Really?” Belvedere was intrigued.

“So I’m here to look for it,” Qonzilqointec smiled, “Thanks for the iced water.”

She walked out the door.

“Any time,” Belvedere shouted, “here in Hayden, iced water is thicker than blood.”

-A western vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday June 12th
2016.

Permalink 14 Comments

Belvedere and The Vampire

June 30, 2016 at 7:43 pm (Vampire novel, western) (, , , , , , , , )

Belvedere and The Vampire

There was definitely a vampire in town all right.

Several of the saloon chorus girls in Hayden, Colorado had been bitten on the neck and had some of their blood drained.

Sherrielock Holmes the saloon owner was herself attacked by the vampire but she managed to beat him off with a whip.

A vampire hunter called Batty Bill Cotee was brought into town to give a speech on how to ward off, fight and kill vampires.

Batty Bill Cotee gave the speech at the Teetotalers Methodist Church in town.

Cotee recommended wearing Crosses and Crucifixes around one’s neck.

The recommendation led to sales of Crosses and Crucifixes from Saint Patrick’s Catholic Church and Saint Luke’s Episcopal Church in town.

Neither Saint Andrew’s Presbyterian Church nor the Immanuel Baptist Church in town profited from the recommendation.

Cotee also recommended hanging garlic in one’s doorway and one’s window to keep vampires out.

This led to great sales on garlic at Haim’s Delicatessen in town.

And the hanging of garlic led to a decrease in both vampire sightings and visits by traveling door-to-door salesmen at most homes in town.

“The way to kill a vampire is to stab it through the heart with a stake,” said Cotee.

Belvedere took particular note of that statement.

A few days later, the advice was to come in handy.

As Belvedere stepped out of the saloon one night, he noticed one of the saloon chorus girls Carla getting bitten on the neck by a vampire.

Belvedere immediately ran into the saloon and said to the cook, “I’d like a steak please.”

“How would you like it?” The cook asked, “Blue-rare? Rare? Medium rare? Medium? Medium well done? Well done?”.

Belvedere took a quick look out of the saloon window and realized he didn’t have much time.

“Uh… blue-rare please,” Belvedere said to the cook.

A couple of minutes later, the cook handed Belvedere a plate, “There you go. One 10-ounce blue-rare steak.”

Belvedere ran outside with the plate and the steak and ran up to the vampire who was still being a real pain in the neck to Carla.

Belvedere grabbed the steak off the plate and then dropped it to the ground shouting, “Ow! Hot! Hot! Hot!”.

He quickly dropped the steak on the plate and ran over to the water trough for the horses and dipped both plate and steak into the cool water.

The vampire had stopped biting Carla on the neck as he stopped to watch Belvedere make a spectacle out of himself.

When the steak was sufficiently cool, Belvedere ran over to the vampire and started stabbing him in the heart with a steak.

“What the Hell do you think you’re doing?” The vampire asked.

“I’m stabbing you in the heart with a steak,” Belvedere replied.

“It’s a wooden stake you’re supposed to use, moron,” Carla said exasperatedly, “S-T-A-K-E not S-T-E-A-K, idiot!”.

“Oops!” Belvedere said.

He went running over to a white picket fence across the street and grabbed a stake from the fence.

“Hey, come back with part of my fence,” the homeowner shouted.

Belvedere ran over to the vampire and quickly plunged the white picket fence wooden stake into the vampire’s heart.

The vampire quickly degraded into skull and bones and then dust.

The homeowner rushed on to the scene and picked up his white picket fence stake and started crying, “Waaah! You got blood on it!”.

“My hero!” Carla kissed Belvedere.

Sherrielock Holmes who had been watching the whole scene up from her second floor saloon office window started laughing her head off.

“Oh, Belvedere,” she laughed, “you’ve got the brains of a politician.”

-A western vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday June 11th
2016.

Permalink 36 Comments

Next page »