Trails West

August 19, 2022 at 9:56 pm (Poetry, western) (, , )

She came on a locomotive train from the East
Not knowing if the Wild West would be famine or feast
She was looking for a man to marry
And eastern men were so boring and bland
She wondered about those who for law and order did stand

But there were plenty of villains in the Wild West
Gunslingers who put others to the test
And marshalls and sheriffs could be quite corrupt
She started to wonder if she left the East too abrupt

Until she met Mister William Main
A man who scouted the western plain
He was a man of integrity and honour
Did not eat the guided like expedition Donner

So Ingrid and William were wed
Wild and passionate was their marriage bed
Ingrid felt glad that she had come west
For the man she landed was one of the best

-A Wild West narrative poem
Written by Christopher
Friday August 19th
2022.

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The Sundance Saloon

August 8, 2022 at 9:26 pm (Poetry, western) ()

The Sundance Saloon was a wild place
Owned by singer Miss Melanie Grace
All the cowboys came from miles around
Just to listen to that Parisienne Can-can sound

Jacques Offenbach was quite the hit
As into sexy tights saloon girls did fit
The Galop infernal was its official name
And to its tune, many cowboys came

Who knew that Orpheus In The Underworld would produce such a thrill
As cowboys found themselves in sweat despite desert evening chill
The Can-Can girls put on quite the show
That even horses didn’t have to be told to “Whoah” !.

The dancers’ legs kicked up quite the storm
In a place where the beer was cold but the seats were warm
Many a cowpoke hoped to dally with Sally
Until they were thrown out by the bouncer O’ Malley

Melanie Grace was quite the entertainment queen
In a town where undertakers kept the streets so clean
Yes it was not usually long before the showdown
But The Sundance Saloon was better than a hoedown

-A western poem written by Christopher
Monday August 8th 2022.

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Freedom Loving Cowboys Hang Communist Judge

July 20, 2022 at 8:11 pm (Aesthetics, Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, International Intrigue, News, Politics, The Supernatural, Vampire novel, western) (, , )

How Communists would have been dealt with in the Wild West

The ghost of Howard Cosell was once again covering the aesthetic beautification crusade of world famous genetically created satyr Pan Goatee.

Said Cosell’s ghost, “A fat ugly blimp is walking by Pan Goatee. What an airhead. She is immediately beheaded and cut up into 999 trillion pieces. How close is that to infinity? I have no idea.

Pan Goatee is now walking across the street. Egad! Here comes another airheaded fat ugly blimp. She too is walking by Pan Goatee. She is wearing headphones and has no idea of her surroundings. Well there goes her fat ugly head along with her headphones being separated from her fat ugly body and hitting the sidewalk. Now she is being cut up into 999 trillion pieces. Ares the Greek god of war is picking up the remains and taking them down to Tartarus.

Pan Goatee is now waiting for a bus. Two buses are arriving at the same time. The satyr serial killer needs the second bus. He runs in the direction of the second bus. A repulsive looking uglo gets off the back door of the first bus. The airheaded uglo tries to walk in front of the running Pan Goatee. Off goes the uglo’s head. Now she is being cut up into 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x infinity and beyond pieces.

This uglo’s remains are likewise taken down to Tartarus by Ares.

Now my next assignment is to go track down a demon buffalo who wants to meet Pope Francis to have an interfaith dialogue when he visits Alberta next week. So it’s good night from me, Happy Howard.”

. . .

Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster was having a vision.

The vision was of a Communist judge in Ontario ordering the arrest of Albertans for being political dissidents against the Neo-Stalinist rule of Canada’s Neo-Stalinist tyrant Justin Trudeau.

The Communist loving Gestapo (as Charles Dickens would probably phrase it, this post-plandemic totalitarian Great Reset world was “the most confusing of times”) in the scumbag Ottawa Police Service had ordered Canada wide warrants for the arrest of freedom loving Albertans.

These Albertans were then arrested and deported to the Neo-Bolshevik Communist and Neo-Fascist garbage infested wasteland that was the Canadian province of Ontario.

These Albertans were then denied bail by the Neo-Stalinist Communist judge Paul Harris.

In Michelangelo’s vision, freedom loving cowboys from Alberta had rented a dirigible from Set Enterprises in London, England.

The cowboys flew in the dirigible from Alberta to Ottawa, Ontario where they descended by rope on to the home of Communist judge Paul Harris.

The members of the Ottawa Police Service who were supposed to be guarding the Neo-Stalinist judge’s home were busy watching homemade videos by service members that were shot at Jeffrey Epstein’s Lesser Saint James Virgin Island (back when Jeffrey Epstein was still alive) on their cell phones.

The Neo-Stalinist scumbag Judge Harris was taken back up by rope to the dirigible.

He was then flown to the Canadian province of Alberta.

Like all Leftists who found themselves in captivity, Judge Harris started whining and snivelling and carrying on like a big crybaby.

The cowboys promised to take him to the train station.

That stopped Judge Harris’ whining for a bit.

Since the Communist judge had never watched the Kevin Costner Western TV series Yellowstone, he had no idea what the phrase “take you to the train station” meant.

When he was taken to the train station and saw the huge hangman’s rope hanging from the tree next to the station, he started to bawl.

As the rope was placed around Ontario Communist Judge Paul Harris’ neck, he saw the spectral figure of a demon buffalo in the crowd looking at him with glowing fiery red eyes.

Judge Harris’ footstool was then kicked out from under him and the Neo-Stalinist scumbag was hung.

A group of children then approached the Neo-Stalinist’s body carrying big sticks and began striking it again and again as if it were a pinata.

But no treats issued forth from the dead Commie’s body.

And Communist scumbag Paul Harris was very much dead.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday July 20th
2022.

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Wild West Haiku Inspired By Marty Robbins

July 15, 2022 at 10:05 pm (Folklore, Poetry, western) (, , , )

Out in West Texas
Town of El Paso there was
A Mexican girl

Rose’s Cantina
Was the place she’d be found
Her skirt polished the ground

As she whirled and twirled
Like the storm of a desert
Where n’eer bush was found

Felina was name
Of this pretty young maiden
Sent men’s hearts a-flayin’

Many fell in love with
This Mexican maiden
That condom sales were arazin’

Sheriff Joe Biden
Entered the cantina’s doors
Hunter’s came on the floors

Lecherous sheriff
Sniffed the young maiden’s hair
As off went his underwear

He was soon filled with lead
And fell to cantina floor
Looking awful dead

Such was fair Felina
But her spell did not affect
Gay pope from Argentina

-A series of haikus
written in 30 degrees Celsius heat
By Christopher
Which possibly has the same effects
As using hallucinogenic drugs
Friday July 15th 2022.

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Wilkie The Cat Western

September 11, 2020 at 10:54 pm (Comedy, Entertainment, Humour, Poetry, western) (, , , , , , , )

Announcer: The ghost of Orson Welles is now here to give you the introduction to the Wilkie the Cat western.

Welles (appears holding a spectral glass of red wine): Thank you Mr. Announcer. Wilkie the cat is a well known feline thespian and stage director best known for holding the record for the most number of plays
that closed after a perfomance of only one night on Broadway.
Now with the advent of the Chinese Communist Party Wuhan virus which the Ethiopian Communist head of the World Health Organization the non-medical Doctor Dr. Tedros Adhanom Ghebreyesus insists be called the Covid-19 virus, the lights are shut down all over Broadway and not just on Wilkie’s lights out plays.
Thus Wilkie with the love of his life Mitzie (a femme fatale Parisienne cat from Paris) has decided to go into filmmaking. And Wilkie is now making a Western where social distancing will be practiced.
The western now begins in the form of a poem:

Wilkie the Cat was out on the desert trail riding his horse
In a land where there was no Radio Shack or store called The Source
He came to a sign
posted on a cactus’ behind
that said Town Straight Ahead
He rode by a cowboy who looked to be dead
for his skull and his bones were all bleached white
and the fat vulture’s jeans seem to be fitting quite tight

Into the town Wilkie the Cat rode
And parked his horse alongside a fine looking toad
He decided to enter the saloon for a cold one
And entered looking like a son of a gun

The cat Dangerous Dan McGraw was up at the bar
Counting all his pennies from an old glass jar
Meanwhile on the saloon stage was Mitzie the star
singing about her home town of Paris a city quite far

Wilkie the Cat ordered a large glass of milk
And gazed at Mitzie’s legs in nylons of silk
Hey, Dangerous Dan shouted with a threatening glare
Stop looking at my girlfriend’s underwear

Mitzie turned and looked at the handsome catwhiskers stranger
And thought Wilkie must be one heck of a lost Texas ranger
She gave him a wink
which added to the stink
in Dangerous Dan’s countenance most foul
which seemed to be accentuated by the hooting of an owl

Step up in the street for a showdown
Dangerous Dan shouted with a huge downward frown
Wilkie said, I’ll be back after dealing with this clown

Into the street they went
With their holsters quite bent
And they stood face to face
After having walked many a pace

“Draw!” Cried the town crier
As he blew himself with a hair dryer
Pencil and sketch paper came out of opposing holsters
And each hand moved quickly like fast acting roller coasters

Dangerous Dan drew a stick man with a trash can
While Mitzie was on saloon steps fanning herself with a fan
Wilkie drew the Mona Lisa kicking Edvard Munch’s figure making him scream
While Dangerous Dan’s stick man came apart at the seam

My hero! Mitzie the Parisienne gave Wilkie the Cat a kiss
As Dangerous Dan retreated to an outhouse in search of bliss

Wlkie’s sketch was hung in the Wild West Saloon
The subject of an unrecorded Kenny Rogers tune
Wilkie The Cat and Mitzie rode off into the sunset
While the overweight vulture looked for new clothes to let.

-A Wilkie The Cat
narrative poem
written by Christopher
Friday September 11th
2020.

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Michelangelo: The Fastest Claw In The West

October 6, 2019 at 10:24 pm (Humour, Literature, Poetry, Romance, Vampire novel, western) (, , , , , , , , )

Michelangelo: The Fastest Claw In The West

Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster had a visitor in his aquarium room at Set Enterprises today.

The visitor was Belvedere the ghost of a ghost white salamander reporter for the Times of London.

Belvedere, in his days as a mortal, before he had been turned into a ghost white salamander by a gypsy enchantress, had lived in the days of the American Wild West and was therefore regaling the lobster with tales of his adventures (somewhat highly embellished of course!).

Belvedere was then called away by his editor to attend a late night session of the House of Lords who were debating if there would be enough sausages available to make full English breakfasts should a no-deal Brexit happen.

When Belvedere left, Michelangelo fell asleep and dreamed that he was living in the days of the Wild West.

The place was Dodge City
The times were not pretty 
Willy Malone and The Bronson Boys
had fired their guns certainly not toys
They were the gang that called the shots 
And gave their horses the best parking spots 

No one could stop their reign of terror 
thinking that one could was a total error
You’d find yourself plugged full of lead
and resting ‘neath tombstones with the rest of the dead

It was on a hot and dusty day 
that a lobster wandered this way
He went up to the bar and ordered a beer 
using chalk and a chalkboard to make himself clear
For the crustacean was the strong silent type 
and his body odour was not overly ripe

Willy Malone and the Bronson Boys came strolling through the door
Got the shock of their life seeing a lobster on the floor 
Said Malone as he saw the lobster drinking his beer 
and finding the whole thing very queer
This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
So I say unto you, Hit the road, Gus

The lobster wrote on the chalkboard
with all the pizzaz of a High British Lord
My name is Michelangelo and I shall not leave
So stick that up your nose and wipe your sleeve

Malone was beside himself 
As he knocked beer bottles off the shelf
Step out into the street for a show down
And when you’re dead you’ll leave town 
I’m challenging you to a gun fight 
Bullets blazing will be your last sight

Michelangelo accepted the challenge to a draw 
And was out on the street with gun in claw 
The town’s privy clerk counted to three 
And the lobster shot old Malone in the knee
He did the same with the Bronson Boys
who keeled over in the street making lots of noise 

For Michelangelo was the fastest claw in the West
And the Malone-Bronson gang wasn’t up for the test 

-A vampire novel chapter
and poem
written by Christopher
Sunday October 6th
2019.


One of the witnesses to the gunfight between Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster and the Malone-Bronson Gang

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Reblog of Serena The Time Traveler – A Timely Showdown In The Klondike

August 19, 2018 at 9:18 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, Romance, Science-Fiction, The Supernatural, Vampire novel, western) (, , , )

A vampire novel chapter I published on my blog a year ago today.

Someone on a recent blog post made a very interesting comment in relation to the Philadelphia Experiment which of course has to do with time travel.

He posted the comment today the same day Facebook reposted the photo of Serena the Time Traveler that I had used for this particular vampire novel chapter so I decided to repost it.

Dracul Van Helsing

North Korean despot Kim Jong-un and his British House of Lords member Communist adviser Lord Byron Jennings had been working on another angle to destroy America besides nuclear weapons and the intercontinental ballistic missile program.

The idea was to send a 100,000 man North Korean Army with advanced weaponry, machine guns and tanks back in time and conquer America in the days when America did not have such weapons.

They sent their good friend Ares the Greek god of War to the Underworld to consult with Saturn/Cronus the Titan god of time on how this could be possible.

Saturn/Cronus told Ares that his reign was of course the Golden Age prior to being overthrown by his son Zeus/Jupiter.

And ever since, Saturn explained, he always had a hankering for gold.

In fact he had been building himself a small portal through time to reach Dawson City Yukon in the year…

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Klondike Kate and The Pantages Film

January 28, 2018 at 11:02 pm (Romance, The Supernatural, Vampire novel, western) (, , , , , , , , )

Klondike Kate and The Pantages Film

Dracul Van Helsing was in London England where he had been asked to meet his friend Interpol agent Peter Whitstable the man they called the Fox Mulder of Interpol.

Dracul was to meet Whitstable in the old film projectionist’s room of an old movie 🎥 theatre.

“Hello, Dracul,” Whitstable was putting an old reel of film through an old film projector.

“Wow, this takes me back to my childhood days when all movie theatres were like this before the advent of the big multiplex cinemas,” Dracul looked around.

“I found this old film reel at an antique collectibles store in Paris,” Whitstable explained as he turned on the projector, “it’s most likely a copy of a copy of a copy that was shot way back but still in good condition.”

“How way back was it shot?” Dracul inquired who was wishing he had a carton of hot buttered popcorn 🍿 with him as he looked through the projectionist’s window and out on to the old classic theatre seats.

“1902,” Whitstable answered, “during the dying days of the Klondike Gold Rush.”

“Really?” Dracul was impressed.

He had been raised in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada during the days when they still had an interesting summer festival called Klondike Days when entire families would dress in Klondike attire and celebrate the days of the Klondike Gold Rush in the Yukon which hit its peak in 1897.

Klondike Days was later replaced by a boring summer festival called Capital Ex (which most Edmontonians called the Ex Lax Festival).

It was now called K-Days which gave the impression that the old Klondike Days theme had been restored but really it hadn’t.

“Yes, it shows an interesting encounter between the real Klondike Kate and Alexander Pantages,” Whitstable winked.

Dracul had heard about the famous Klondike Gold Rush love affair between saloon dancer/brothel keeper Kathleen “Kitty” Rockwell and Alexander Pantages then a struggling waiter and bartender (who went on to found the famous Pantages chain of vaudeville and movie theatres across the U.S. and Canada) in Dawson City, Yukon.

“Of course,” Whitstable smiled, “you’ve probably heard about the claim made by a TV show called The Canadians in which it was said that the real Klondike Kate was actually a woman called Katherine Ryan who lived the adventures that Kathleen Rockwell borrowed for her own use.”

“I’ve heard that, yes,” Dracul acknowledged.

“Well this film which I’ve had authenticated by various film experts shows us indeed who was the real Klondike Kate in action with future motion picture theatre mogul Alexander Pantages,” said Whitstable in dramatic fashion.

After watching the reel of film (which would probably be considered soft porn by today’s movie standards), Dracul turned to Whitstable and said, “The real Klondike Kate was a vampiress.”

“So it would appear,” Whitstable lit a cigarette in a manner more reminiscent of the Smoking Man than Fox Mulder.

“She certainly bit him with her fangs and sucked his blood but she doesn’t seemed to have killed him or turned him into a vampire,” Dracul reflected, “if Pantages had become a vampire, he might have been able to beat that phony rape charge that Joseph Patrick Kennedy Sr. orchestrated against him in 1929 in his effort to destroy a motion picture rival.”

“Yes, a vampire would have made minced meat out of a slime ball like Kennedy,” Whitstable agreed.

“Any idea who this vampiress is?” Dracul asked.

“I’ve determined that her name was Katherine Van Dusen and she was apparently turned into a vampiress at a Wild West saloon called The Wild Tomatoes and Mushroom Saloon in the town of Hayden Colorado back in the early 1880s,” Whitstable explained, “and the rumour which I’ve been unable to verify was that she was turned into a vampiress by Count Dracula himself.”

“The Wild Tomatoes and Mushroom Saloon?” Dracul recognized the name from conversations he had with Dr. Cadbury Rocher, “Do you happen to know the name of the proprietress of this saloon?”.

“Sherrielock Holmes,” Whitstable answered.

Meanwhile Dr. Cadbury Rocher was having dinner with Dracula at the Savoy Hotel in London.

“Did I ever tell you that my great-grandmother is still alive?” Dr. Rocher picked up sirloin steak on his fork, “She’s immortal but she isn’t a vampiress.”

“Really? What’s her name?” Dracula asked over his roast beef and Yorkshire pudding.

“Sherrielock Holmes,” Dr. Rocher answered.

Dracula’s face turned as white as the table cloth prior to his dumping gravy all over it at the mention of Sherrielock’s name.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday January 28th
2018.

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“Kiss Me, Kate” “Bite Me!”

January 27, 2018 at 11:30 pm (Romance, The Supernatural, Vampire novel, western) (, , , , , , , , )

“Kiss Me, Kate” “Bite Me!”

Dracula was in a second floor saloon bedroom at The Wild Tomatoes and Mushroom Saloon in the Wild West town of Hayden, Colorado making out with one of the saloon dancers 💃🏻- a woman named Katherine Van Dusen.

Sherrielock Holmes had told the Wallachian prince and Transylvanian nobleman (he held the title of Count of the Carpathians in the latter country) that he could make out with the saloon dancers 💃🏻 if he chose but she had put her spiked stiletto high-heeled foot down at the idea of turning any of them into vampiresses.

The Count was indeed getting it on with the red dress wearing Katherine Van Dusen whose red dress and black silk nylons were almost off at the moment.

“Kiss me, Kate!” Dracula shouted in the only line he knew from Shakespeare’s The Taming of The Shrew.

“Bite me!” Kate answered.

“What?” Dracula looked puzzled.

“Turn me into a vampiress!” Kate demanded.

“But do you know what your boss Sherrielock will do to me if I turn you into a vampiress?” Dracula raised one of his dark eyebrows.

“What are you?” Kate mocked him, “A vampire lord or a mouse 🐭?”.

“Well some people call bats 🦇 flying mice,” Dracula reflected.

“Shut up and bite me!” Kate showed the count her ivory white neck.

Dracula finally gave in and bit her on the neck.

“Suck me! Suck me! Suck me!” Kate screamed.

A phonetics and linguistics analysis professor who was in the next bedroom with another saloon dancer 💃🏻 remarked to his nocturnal companion, “I think that poor woman next door is unable to distinguish between an s and an f.”

Dracula had soon sucked Kate’s blood and then opened one of his veins and allowed Kate to suck his own.

Sherrielock, concerned by the shouting in Kate’s bedroom, had opened the door.

Miss Holmes’ face soon turned as white as the evening dress she was wearing.

“Dracula, you’ve turned one of my saloon girls into a vampiress,” Sherrielock hissed.

She ran to her office and pulled a whip and a cat o’ nine tails out of her desk drawer.

She then ran back into the room and said to the Count, “I’m going to tomato 🍅 your buttocks until they’re as red as the glistening liquid substance on your fangs.”

Dracula quickly turned into a bat 🦇 and got the Hell out of there.

“Meatloaf is ready!” The saloon cook shouted from downstairs.

Sherrielock looked out the room’s open window and shouted in the direction of the flying bat 🦇, “You can rest assured, Dracula, that someday the two of us will meet again. And when we do, there will be Hell to pay.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday January 27th
2018.

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Dracula Meets Sherrielock Holmes

January 26, 2018 at 10:02 pm (Romance, The Supernatural, Vampire novel, western) (, , , , , , , , , )

Dracula Meets Sherrielock Holmes

Sherrielock Holmes did come downstairs wearing a lovely black evening dress.

She asked Belvedere her bartender, “Where are the troublemakers?”.

“They’ve left,” said Belvedere.

“Who are you?” Sherrielock Holmes asked the elegant stranger standing at the bar.

“The name,” the stranger bowed courteously, “is Dracula.”

“Dracula,” Sherrielock smiled a knowing smile, “like Vlad III the medieval 15th Century prince of Wallachia.”

Dracula gasped.

He didn’t think anyone outside Eastern Europe had heard of him.

This, Dracula thought to himself, was one intelligent woman.

Which made her a force to be reckoned with.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday January 26th
2018.

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