Dulcinea Lucia and The Vampiric Knights-Templar

September 17, 2017 at 11:34 pm (Detective story, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, Mystery, Mystery/horror, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

Dulcinea Lucia and The Vampiric Knights-Templar

Once Private Eyes 👀 Agathor Christie and Magog Rhys Petley decided to take the case for Allatallahbel the Vampiress Priestess of Baal and search for the 13 Vampiric Knights-Templar who survived French King 👑 Philip the Fair’s Friday October 13th 1307 raid on Jacques de Molay and his fellow Knights-Templars, they started where most Private Eyes would when confronted with such a case.

They went to see a gypsy fortune 🔮 teller.

And a young beautiful and sexy one at that.

Dulcinea Lucia the gypsy fortune teller of London’s Carnaby Street.

When they entered her shop, they discovered she was dressed like Elvira the popular American horror movie show hostess of the 1980s- a black evening dress slit at the sides from thigh to ankle, black silk pantyhose and black spiked stiletto high heeled shoes.

This would thus be an interview both men would enjoy.

Dulcinea Lucia told Agathor and Magog that the 13 Knights had managed to escape King Philip’s Friday the 13th raid by being in a Paris brothel at the time.

When informed of the raid, the 13 knights went south to the village of Rennes-le-Chateau in the Languedoc region of southern France 🇫🇷.

“Any idea, why there?” Agathor asked.

“One of Jesus’ cousins is buried in a grave there,” Dulcinea Lucia answered.

“The Jesus?” The Marxist atheist former Labour MP Magog raised an eyebrow.

“Yes,” Dulcinea Lucia answered.

“How did they become vampires?” Agathor asked.

“The ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith was in the village of Rennes-le-Chateau at the time,” Dulcinea Lucia answered, “she bit each man on the neck and turned them into vampires on the evening of October 23rd 1307 – 10 days after Philip the Fair’s Friday the 13th October raid on all the lodges and temples of the Knights-Templar in France.”

“And have those 13 Vampiric Knights-Templar survived since then?” Magog queried.

“7 of them were slain inside the Episcopalian Cathedral of St. John The Divine in New York City on Friday October the 13th 2006 while attending a Meatloaf concert being held at the central altar of the cathedral,” Dulcinea Lucia answered.

“The Meat Loaf?” Agathor asked.

“Yes,” Dulcinea Lucia nodded, “the one who sang Bat 🦇 Out of Hell, Two Out of Three Ain’t Bad, I’d Do Anything For Love and Rock And Roll 🎸 Dreams Come Through.”

“And they had a Meat Loaf concert right at the central altar?” Asked Magog who had visited the Episcopal Cathedral of Saint John The Divine in New York City with Agathor on their recent U.S. trip where they had encountered Shiva the Hindu god of destruction and transformation at that very same central altar.

“It was more of a Knights-Templar Illuminati satanic ceremony where they were going to sacrifice Meat Loaf to the Baphomet because Baphomet wanted both a singer and a meatloaf dish for his birthday so the Illuminati and the Knights-Templar were going to give him a 2 for 1 special,” Dulcinea Lucia opened her book of meatloaf recipes.

“And you said that 7 of the Vampiric Knights Templar were slain at that Friday the 13th October 2006 Meatloaf sacrifice ceremony in the Episcopal Cathedral of Saint John The Divine?” Agathor questioned.

“Yes, the 7 who attended the ceremony,” Dulcinea smoothed her dress, “the other 6 were still in their New York City 🌃 hotel rooms recovering from severe hangovers the night before- hangovers that saved their lives in the long run.”

“Who slew the 7 Vampire Knights that attended the ceremony?” Agathor asked.

“That was Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing and the mighty Lakota Sioux vampire huntress Jennifer Cochran,” Dulcinea Lucia smiled, “both of them were Meat Loaf fans.”

“Of the singer or the dish?” Magog inquired.

“Both,” Dulcinea Lucia smiled and winked.

A bell went off in the kitchen behind her gypsy 🔮 ball reading room.

“If you’ll excuse me, gentlemen,” Dulcinea Lucia stood up, “my own meatloaf is ready. Unless you care to join me.”

They did.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday September 17th
2017.

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Vampiress Priestess of Baal Hires Two London Private Eyes

September 13, 2017 at 6:52 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mystery, Mystery/horror, News, Religion, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

Vampiress Priestess of Baal Hires Two London Private Eyes

Agathor Christie and Magog Rhys Petley were both sitting in their newly opened London office.

Agathor Christie had been the sitting incumbent British Conservative MP for the constituency of Tewkesbury In The Cotswolds until he got defeated by British Transhumanist Party candidate Renfield R. Renfield in this past June’s UK 🇬🇧 General Election.

Magog Rhys Petley had been been the sitting incumbent British Labour MP for the constituency of Newbridge in Wales until he got defeated by British Transhumanist Party candidate Morgana Fay Lee in this past June’s UK 🇬🇧 General Election.

Since both men (although from different parties) had lost their respective parliamentary seats to candidates for the up and coming British Transhumanist Party, they decided to take a post-defeat consolation tour of the U.S. together.

Now back in London, both men decided to open up a private detective firm together since it turned out that, as children, both had loved reading Raymond Chandler’s Philip Marlowe private eye novels and stories.

After officially opening the office and helping themselves to both bourbon 🥃 and cigars, they sat back in their respective comfortable leather upholstered mahogany armchairs and waited for their first client to walk through the door.

The story on BBC World News they watched on the office television was about a Kraken rising out of Lake Okanagan in British Columbia’s Okanagan Valley and walking through a grape 🍇 and wine 🍷 orchard near the city of West Kelowna and eating grapes 🍇 and drinking bottles of wine.

It then grabbed a statue of the Virgin Mary as Our Lady of Lourdes from the orchard gardens and took the statue with him back into the lake.

The vineyard owner speculated that the Kraken might be the lake’s famed sea serpent lake monster Ogopogo who was said to have haunted the lake for centuries.

“Certainly a lot of krakens rising up all over the place these days,” Agathor quipped.

“There are,” Magog quickly downed his glass of bourbon, “nasty business that.”

“I wonder if some beautiful woman femme fatale will walk in through the door wearing a tight fitting dress like always happens in Philip Marlowe stories?” Agathor asked as he polished off his glass of bourbon.

“I wonder,” Magog re-filled his glass.

At that moment, a beautiful dark haired and dark eyed woman wearing a tight fitting Phoenician purple evening dress and a diamond 💎 necklace with the diamonds cut into the shape of human skulls around her neck walked into their office with the sharp click of spiked stiletto high-heeled shoes 👠.

“I am the Vampiress Allatallahbel the Priestess of Baal,” said the incredibly sexy and beautiful female figure standing in front of them, “I’m here to hire you to find the last of the band of 13 Vampiric Knights-Templar -13 individuals who were the sole escaping survivors of French King Philip the Fair’s Friday October 13th 1307 raid on Jacques de Molay and his fellow Knights-Templar.”

“Well that answers the question you asked a few minutes ago,” Magog addressed Agathor as he finished yet another glass of bourbon.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday September 13th
2017.

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Shiva Visits An Episcopalian Cathedral

July 13, 2017 at 5:52 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mystery, Mystery/horror, Mythology, News, Religion, Science-Fiction, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Shiva Visits An Episcopalian Cathedral

Former MPs Agathor Christie and Magog Rhys Petley were on a trip to New York City together.

Both men had been defeated in their respective constituencies by candidates for the British Transhumanist Techno-Progressive Anti Bio-Conservative Party in the recent British general election.

Agathor Christie of the British Conservatives had been defeated in his rural English constituency of Tewkesbury In The Cotswolds by British Transhumanist Renfield R. Renfield (the former Chief of Security and Intelligence Gathering for Set Enterprises).

And Magog Rhys Petley of the British Labour Party had been defeated in his rural Welsh constituency of Newbridge by Transhumanist Morgana Fay Lee (who some people claimed was a vampiress and the niece of the Arthurian era sorceress Morgan Le Fay).

Since both men had two things in common- 1) both being defeated by British Transhumanists and 2) Both having an utter loathing for British Prime Minister Theresa May for calling a snap general election, the two men decided to go on a trip together to drown their respective sorrows.

Britain’s Sun tabloid newspaper had reported on the trip with the headline ELECTORAL DEFEAT MAKES STRANGE BEDFELLOWS.

Today Agathor Christie and Magog Rhys Petley were visiting the Episcopal Cathedral of Saint John The Divine in New York City which was the largest Anglican Cathedral in the world.

As they stood there looking up at the Rose Window, a strange looking fellow walked by.

“Say,” Magog nudged Agathor, “isn’t that the Hindu god Shiva?”.

“I believe it is,” Agathor put on his glasses and peered at the deity known as “The Destroyer” and “The Transformer” within the Hindu religion.

“What’s he doing in an Episcopal Cathedral?” Magog asked.

“Perhaps he’s becoming an Episcopalian,” Agathor replied.

“Shiva becoming an Episcopalian?” Magog was incredulous.

“Yes,” Agathor nodded.

“Gods don’t become Episcopalian,” retorted the atheistic Magog.

“They don’t become Catholic either,” Agathor reflected, “since Pope Francis says that there’s no Catholic god.”

. . .

Outside the CERN Large Hadron Collider in Switzerland, officials reported that the large statue of Shiva the Destroyer outside the Collider tunnel had come to life and disappeared.

. . .

Set Enterprises’ resident chief scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher was reading an article on how a Harvard University scientific research team had used the Crispr genome editing tool to insert a gif (five frames of a horse galloping) into the DNA of bacteria.

The gif was the image of a human hand and 5 frames of the horse Annie G captured in the late 19th Century by British pioneer photographer Eadweard Muybridge.

“Wow, inserting an image into DNA to allow it to pass down through generations,” Dr. Cadbury Rocher hit his head, “why didn’t I think of that before?”.

Dr. Cadbury Rocher decided to try this for himself.

For his image, he used a 5 minute YouTube video clip of the meeting between Russian President Vladimir Putin and U.S. President Donald Trump at last week’s G-20 summit in Hamburg Germany.

The clip not shown on any of the Fake News networks across the world showed the demon Asmodeus standing immediately behind the sitting Putin and sitting Trump and playing on his harmonica the musical melody to Lara’s Theme from the movie Doctor Zhivago.

Being the genius that Dr. Cadbury Rocher was, he was able to, in 5 minutes, insert the YouTube video into the DNA of bacteria what it took 5 days for the Harvard research team to do on their 5 frame gif.

He then put the bacteria in a sealed test tube and left it in the lab.

The Norse trickster god Loki, who had been hiding under a desk seeing what Dr. Cadbury Rocher was up to, decided to take the sealed test tube of bacteria and immediately teleported himself to the Western Wall on the Temple Mount in Jerusalem.

When he landed, he knocked over a tourist the Nibiruan ET gray Gali-Gula who was standing there taking pictures with his advanced extraterrestrial camera around his neck.

Loki then placed the sealed test tube of bacteria into one of the cracks in the Western Wall where people normally place prayer notes.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday July 13th
2017.

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Renfield Elected MP By A Landslide

June 9, 2017 at 4:41 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , )

Renfield R. Renfield representing the British Transhumanist Techno-Progressive Anti-Bio Conservative Party has won his constituency of Tewkesbury In The Cotswolds by a landslide defeating his closest opponent sitting incumbent British Conservative MP Agamemnon Thor Christie (often called Agathor Christie for short) by over 17,000 votes.

Most commentators and political analysts agree that it was Renfield’s Tuesday June 6th 2017 attack on an ISIS training camp in Libya earlier this week in which Renfield had illegally sent members of the British Brigade of Gurkhas in and tied explosives to the ISIS members’ tiny testicles that were then blown up after Renfield had appeared to them in holographic form and recited one of the numerous witty poems he’s famed for writing (See https://draculvanhelsing.wordpress.com/2017/06/06/renfields-attack-on-isis-camp-in-libya/ )

It was this raid that caught the imagination of the British public (and the condemnation by the country’s politically correct elites) in the wake of the Manchester and London terrorist attacks which led to Renfield’s landslide victory in his Tewkesbury In The Cotswolds Constituency says Manchester University political science professor Churchill Thatcher.

Nonsense, say the membership of the Tewkesbury Sex Addicts and Nymphomaniacs Association, it was Renfield’s call for “greater sexual intercourse among Britons” that led to his overwhelming victory.

On the evening of Wednesday June 7th earlier this week, British Prime Minister Theresa May was wanting Renfield R. Renfield charged with high treason for his unauthorized use of the British Brigade of Gurkhas in his own personal not officially sanctioned raid on an ISIS training camp (Mrs. May now presides over a hung parliament and a minority government).

The high treason charge was immediately vetoed by Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II after Renfield had jumped in and saved one of her beloved Pembroke Welsh corgis from drowning in a swimming pool…”

“It’s a good thing,” Renfield grinned while reading the Manchester Guardian article on his landslide election victory, “that no one and especially the Queen noticed that I was the one who pushed the corgi in the swimming pool in the first place so I could earn the Queen’s unending gratitude by diving in and rescuing it.”

Renfield went back to reading the article…

Renfield will be having a fellow Transhumanist joining him in Parliament.

Welsh songstress Morgana Fay Lee (who some people claim is an ancient vampiress and the alleged niece of the sorceress Morgan Le Fay of Arthurian fame) defeated sitting incumbent Labour MP Magog Rhys Petley (who some people claim is a werewolf) by over 300 votes in the constituency of Newbridge in Wales.

Renfield R. Renfield and the Welsh Vampiress Morgana will be taking their seats as Transhumanist MPs in the Westminster Parliament sometime in the next few weeks…

“Wow,” the South African cultural attache Lepardia Marango thought to herself as she read the Manchester Guardian article, “I dated both Labour MP Magog Rhys Petley and Conservative MP Agathor Christie in the past and now both have been defeated by British Transhumanist candidates.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday June 9th
2017.

Lepardia Marango
Lepardia Marango: Did her dating of two British MPs cause the election of two Transhumanists to the UK Parliament?

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Another UK Campaign Debate With Renfield

May 28, 2017 at 3:49 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

Sherrielock Holmes checked her iPhone where she had just received a text message from Melania Trump asking for advice on how to properly discipline her husband so he’d cease being a bully.

The London-based professional dominatrix responded with some excellent advice.

Then she returned to her current duties as Chairwoman of yet another all candidates’ debate in the Tewkesbury In The Cotswolds constituency.

The subject of tonight’s debate was Social Solidarity In The United Kingdom.

British Transhumanist Techno-Progressive Anti Bio-Conservative candidate Renfield R. Renfield’s remark that he enjoyed eating fried mermaid with his tuna fish sandwiches hadn’t gone over so well.

One little girl immediately left the debate in tears crying to her mother, “Ariel. Poor Ariel.”

A beautiful woman wearing a very short tight skirted cream coloured mini dress got up to ask a question.

“We have so many different people fighting to be heard in this country,” said the young woman, “I ask each candidate what can we do to bring about greater social intercourse within the United Kingdom?”.

Renfield immediately jumped in to answer the question with his tongue hanging out and panting in the direction of the beautiful young woman, “Did you just ask what we can do to bring about greater sexual intercourse in the United Kingdom?”.

“Social intercourse, you idiot,” Sherrielock Holmes admonished, “social intercourse.”

“Well we now know where my Transhumanist opponent’s mind is,” sitting incumbent British Conservative MP Agathor Christie quipped.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday May 28th
2017.
Woman Questioner At UK Campaign Debate
Questioner At Campaign Debate: Not quite the answer she was expecting from candidate Renfield

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More UK Campaign Debates With Renfield

May 26, 2017 at 4:50 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Tewkesbury In The Cotswolds constituency campaign debate chairwoman Sherrielock Holmes (who was on loan from Sherrielock Holmes Dominatrix Services of London) had a dream last night about one of the constituency candidates Renfield R. Renfield of the British Transhumanist Techno-Progressive Anti Bio-Conservative Party.

In the dream, she saw Renfield R. Renfield on television standing in the middle of a group of people posing for a photo-op.

United States President Donald Trump strolled into the group and pushed Renfield out of the way so he’d have the center spot for the photo-op.

Renfield pulled out a gun and blew Trump’s head off.

Then Sherrielock woke up.

“Well,” Sherrielock thought to herself, “Trump never better do to Renfield what he did to Montenegro’s Prime Minister Dusko Markovic at yesterday’s NATO meeting.”

Later in the day at today’s constituency campaign debate, Sherrielock Holmes, in lieu of her dream, found Renfield’s wearing a t-shirt that said BEING A PSYCHOPATH MEANS NEVER HAVING TO SAY YOU’RE SORRY somehow appropriate.

Meanwhile during the debate itself, sitting incumbent British Conservative MP Agathor Christie was getting into a violent argument with the Liberal Democratic Party candidate on a point of history.

“I must remind my Conservative opponent,” said the Liberal Democrat, “that the quote with which he just wholeheartedly agreed was originally made by Germany’s Secretary To The Fuhrer who was none other than Herr Martin Bormann.”

“Interestingly enough,” Renfield R. Renfield interjected at that point, “Martin Bormann’s original last name wasn’t Bormann but he used to tell such uninteresting stories and uninteresting anecdotes at Nazi Party meetings that the Nazi Party unanimously voted to change his last name to Bormann.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday May 26th
2017.

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A UK Election Campaign Debate Like No Other

May 25, 2017 at 3:57 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Renfield R. Renfield was attending his first election campaign debate in the constituency where he was running- Tewkesbury In The Cotswolds. London dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes was serving as the debate chairwoman since both Renfield and sitting incumbent British Conservative MP Agathor Christie were clients of her dominatrix services.

The sponsors of the debate thought that Sherrielock could keep at least two of the six candidates running in line.

Renfield R. Renfield was of course running as the candidate for the British Transhumanist Techno-Progressive Anti Bio-Conservative Party in the constituency.

The debate would begin with each candidate giving a 5-minute speech talking about their past accomplishments in life.

Conservative MP Agathor Christie had to be cut short after 5 minutes by Sherrielock Holmes and he had only got up to talking about his first year in kindergarten.

When Renfield got up to speak, he said, “Here’s one of the many music videos I’ve made in my life which should give you an idea of my accomplishments.”

On the background screen behind the candidates, a video is then shown.

The video begins with a short clip of popular 1960s singer Nancy Sinatra singing one of her biggest hits.

Nancy Sinatra (singing very slowly and very sensuously the opening lines of one of her biggest hits):

Strawberries, cherries and an angel’s kiss in spring
My summer wine is really made from all these things
ooh- summer wine…

The short clip is then followed by a film shot of Renfield R. Renfield dressed as a beautiful looking diva female drag queen wearing an exquisite tight fitting silver sequined evening dress and singing while holding a microphone.

Renfield (singing very sensuously): Strawberries, cherries and an angel’s kiss in spring…

(He breaks into a wide broad smile)

Renfield (continues to sing very sensuously): My summer behind is really made from all these things…

(He turns around and bends over showing a magnificently big tight evening dress accentuated skirted ass that would make Kim Kardashian’s grandiosely big skirted ass Instagram whammy that broke the Internet look positively microscopic by comparison)

Renfield (still singing sensuously): ooh- summer behind…

(At that point, the debate chairwoman Sherrielock Holmes sank off her chair onto the floor overcome by a huge fit of gales of laugher)

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday May 25th
2017.

Kim Kardashian's Magnificent Skirted Ass
Kim Kardashian’s Magnificent Skirted Ass: Only Renfield R. Renfield’s breaks the Internet better

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An Early May Evening In The Life of Agathor Christie

May 9, 2017 at 4:50 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Tewkesbury In The Cotswolds’ sitting incumbent British Conservative MP Agathor Christie was in his large comfortable Tewkesbury home.

He was waiting by the door.

Waiting for his French maid Simone to come home.

When Simone walked through the door, she was surprised to see her employer standing there.

“What are you doing standing there with such a firm look on your face, Monsieur?” Simone looked at him, “I feel like I’ve done something something naughty.”

“You have done something naughty, Simone,” Agathor Christie looked as grave as a freshly dug cemetery plot, “Very, very naughty indeed.”

“Are you going to give me a spanking, Monsieur?” Simone placed her hands protectively on her short tight skirted buttocks.

“Not tonight, Simone,” Mr. Christie continued to look as stern as the back part of a ship.

Simone managed to breathe a sigh of relief and yet intense disappointment at the same time.

“What was it that I did, Monsieur?” She asked while batting her eyelashes at him.

“I got a visit from the Acting Deputy Chief Constable of Gloucestershire County this morning,” Agathor Christie poured himself a glass of brandy, “apparently you assaulted one of my opponent rival candidates in the Nottingham Arms Pub yesterday. While I admire your attempt at being naughty in the Nottingham Arms and further hitting one of my opponents, unfortunately it spells bad publicity for me.”

“I’m sorry, Monsieur,” Simone curtsied, “I did not know he was your opponent. I just assaulted him because he had insulted the French people.”

“I’d never heard of the bloke either until I got this visit from the Acting Deputy Chief Constable,” Agathor finished his brandy and then poured himself another, “I’d never even heard of his bloody party either. Something with a multi-syllable sounding name. It sounded like something straight out of Monty Python.”

Agathor Christie was, of course, referring to Renfield R. Renfield of the British Transhumanist Techno-Progressive Anti-Bio Conservative Party.

“May I have a brandy too, Monsieur?” Simone looked at him with an Oliver Twist approaching Mr. Bumble-like expression.

“Well, we’ll discuss your drinking on the job on another occasion, Mademoiselle Simone,” Agathor Christie said firmly.

Once again putting her hands protectively on her short tight skirted buttocks and yet smiling broadly at the same time, Simone said, “Very good, Monsieur.”

“Now, you run off to bed while I make myself a cold roast beef sandwich in the kitchen,” Agathor Christie directed.

As Christie made himself a cold roast beef sandwich, he heard a lot of banging around and noise coming from the living room.

After he had eaten his sandwich and turned off the kitchen light, he walked into the living room.

Where he noticed Simone had made quite the mess going up the stairs.

Simone The French Maid Going Up The Stairs

That woman would really need a good talking to.

Perhaps more.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday May 9th
2017.

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