Anubis Raids The Jeffrey Epstein Ranch

September 2, 2019 at 11:50 pm (Aesthetics, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

Anubis Raids The Jeffrey Epstein Ranch

A Fox News crew was up in Calgary, Alberta, Canada to see how world famous genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee was spending his Labour Day Monday.

They noted Pan Goatee walking up to his neighbourhood shopping mall where he beheaded an ugly female cyclist on the way.

“On a bicycle now built for none,” Pan Goatee sang a very old song whose tune was only now heard on Ice Cream Trucks music speakers.

He then went to the Food Court and ordered himself a submarine sandwich.

He then ate the sub while reading Jules Verne’s 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea.

He wondered how Captain Nemo ended up a Disney animated film fish cartoon character.

He then left the mall where he encountered a fat ugly blimp carrying a terrified and screaming small child.

He beheaded the fat ugly blimp while whistling the tune to that old Second World War song “We’ll hang out our washings on the Siegfried Line…”

The small child was very grateful to get away from the fat ugly ogre as he ran away screaming down the street.

The Pan Goatee clip was followed on Fox News by a Tucker Carlson commentary in which Carlson said that Labour Day was a plot by the working classes to enslave wealthy capitalist entrepreneurs into paying them holiday pay if they had to work on the first Monday in September.

Carlson ended the commentary by smoking a marijuana joint and then shooting out the lens of the cameras by firing a semi-automatic pistol he had purchased at Wal-Mart a few hours earlier.

. . .

Air headed representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez had spent her Labour Day weekend publishing tweets in which she criticized the “supposed” masculinity (her words) of straight males proud of their heterosexuality.

British MP Renfield R. Renfield (a proud heterosexual) decided to get his revenge on the air headed representative for the aptly named Queens district in New York City.

If Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez thought she could act like a leftist female equivalent of Donald Trump and be prone to making idiotic statements in public, she’d have to face the wrath of Renfield.

Renfield had heard from his spy network in New York City that the airhead would be taking part in a Father James Martin SJ blessed Gay Pride Parade in her congressional district.

Renfield sent drones over the parade as the airhead (burning her bra with a pink candle) marched at the front.

As the airhead suddenly realized that she should have probably taken her bra off first before setting fire to it, the drones began playing on their loudspeakers Renfield R. Renfield singing in a Johnny Cash style voice his own paraphrased version of an old Johnny Cash song,

“Sodomites and their supporters got thrown into a burning Lake of Fire,
And they went down down down
And the flames went higher
And it burns burns burns 
The Lake of Fire,
The Lake of Fire…”

. . .

Anubis the Egyptian god of death and the son of the London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set had become reconciled with his estranged father this past Thursday and had celebrated the commemoration of the beheading of Saint John the Baptist with his dad by participating in eating some live crocodiles wrapped in freshly made giant sushi rolls.

Anubis was now leading British MP Renfield R. Renfield’s personal British Army brigade of Gurkhas in a raid on Jeffrey Epstein’s Zorro Ranch in New Mexico.

They were looking for the living disembodied heads of 12 Nazi SS officers.

Suddenly Anubis and the Gurkhas found themselves under attack by Mossad operatives and Israeli commandos.

It looked like Mossad and the Israelis would win the battle even against accomplished Gurkhas.

However Sherrielock Holmes and the Dragon Sisters of the Dragon Sisterhood of The Plumed Phoenix Dragon arrived on the scene.

They pulled down the pants of the Mossad operatives and Israeli commandos and tomatoed their buns.

The Mossad operative in charge, Star of Azazel, called a hasty retreat.

The 12 heads would end up in the possession of Set Enterprises as a result of the bun tomatoing inflicted on these errant sons of Jacob.

. . .

A black and white vision of the late film director Alfred Hitchcock appeared to Pope Francis
as he lay in bed:


Hitchcock spoke these words unto Pope Francis, “And Judas Iscariot went out and hanged himself. Go thou and do likewise.”

-A vampire novel chapter 
written by Christopher
Monday September 2nd 
2019.

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Donald Trump’s Twittering Attacks On 4 Democratic Congresswomen

July 15, 2019 at 10:53 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Spy Tales, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

Donald Trump’s Twittering Attacks On 4 Democratic Congresswomen

Donald Trump had had an eventful past couple of days.

Yesterday, he had criticized 4 young Democratic Congresswomen (Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Rep. Rashida Tlaib, Rep. Ayanna Pressley and Rep. Ilhan Omar) and said they should go back to the “countries they originally came from”.

Three of the women had been born in the U.S. and Rep. Omar had come to the U.S. from Somalia when she was 12.

Trump had spent the day today defending his tweets and had called Nancy Pelosi a racist for calling him a racist.

He also said that Rep. Omar had once praised al-Qaeda.

Trump, with his usual penchant for “terminological inexactitude” (to quote the ghost of Sir Winston Churchill), was referencing a 2013 interview Miss Omar had once given in which she said that one of her professors had once praised al-Qaeda in class and had told the reporter in the interview what the professor had said.

Trump had also sent DARPA operative Enema Enigma to dig up dirt on Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez whom some people touted as a possible Democratic Presidential candidate in 2024 -the year for which he was grooming his daughter Ivanka to become the first woman President of the United States.

This was the photo that Enema Enigma had returned with:

After seeing the photo of what looked like Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez in rather provocative attire, Trump immediately crossed his legs.

He then hurried to the washroom with the photo and gazed at it for the next 7 hours.

After over 7 hours were up, Trump sent a text message to his British butler and valet Lexington in which he asked Lexington to immediately bring “wipes to the Oval Office washroom as no wipes seem to be available”.

As Lexington immediately and swiftly hurried down the West Wing corridors, he happened to pass by an office where the radio in the office was playing that old country music song, “It’s been a long time coming…”

Undoubtedly the song was definitely NOT referring to Lexington’s rather rapid delivery of the wipes.

. . .

Later Trump played an evening round of golf with the Havana-based Neo-Nazi billionaire Robur Pike.

In answer to a reporter’s question about Pike, Trump responded, “Terrific guy. I’ve known him for 15 years. He likes white people as much as I do. In fact, he likes them a little on the whiter than white side”.

At that moment, a golf club wielded high in mid-air hit Trump over the head.

“Hey, somebody super tall just hit me over the head with a golf club,” Trump complained to his Secret Service agents.

“We saw the club approach high in mid-air,” his secret service responded, “but there’s no one there. We can’t see anyone.”

. . .

In London, Amadeus Emanon asked the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set’s valet and butler Athelstan, “Say, what is the Boss’ personal secret agent Harvey Tallbanger up to at the moment?”.

“I believe today he is in Washington DC, sir,” Athelstan replied.

-A vampire novel chapter 
written by Christopher
Monday July 15th
2019.

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Pan Goatee’s Proposed Immigration Policy and Donald Trump’s Proposed 4th July Parade

July 2, 2019 at 10:23 pm (Aesthetics, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Pan Goatee’s Proposed Immigration Policy and Donald Trump’s Proposed 4th July Parade

Genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee (a most devout adherent of the aesthetic theories of Oscar Wilde and Friedrich Nietzsche) had gone into a nearby mall to buy a submarine sandwich from Subway.

Unfortunately for him, a typical stupid looking Calgary ugly white woman was standing at the counter buying a sub.

Goatee immediately beheaded the woman while also losing his appetite after seeing her.

As he walked back to his place, he thought what a wimp the Dalai Lama was for apologizing about saying he didn’t want an ugly woman as his successor.

What is Tibetan Buddhism coming to these days? Goatee wondered as he stepped on an ant on the sidewalk and then killed a fly that landed on his arm.

The satyr serial killer recalled images that Representatives Julian Castro and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez had shot of the conditions of migrant detention camps on the U.S.-Mexico border.

Goatee noticed that most of the Latina women were quite pretty.

And, Goatee reflected as he fired off a text message to his local Member of Parliament, the same could definitely not be said for the vast majority of female descendants of white European settlers who settled in Calgary over a hundred years ago.

The city was definitely a compelling argument against the practice of first cousins marrying first cousins.

Goatee told his MP that if Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau was indeed the great humanitarian leader he was always proclaiming himself to be in every single media interview that he’s ever given, he really should let the migrants held in detention camps on the U.S. -Mexico border enter Canada.

This would not only make Trudeau better looking than Trump (although he already was that according to the ghosts of Oscar Wilde and Liberace) but it would also improve the aesthetic beauty of Canada and particularly Calgary if many of the migrants settled here.

Meanwhile in Washington DC, Donald Trump was boasting to his English butler and valet Lexington about the huge military parade he was planning in the U.S. capital for this coming 4th of July.

“I got the idea while holding hands with Emmanuel Macron in the streets of Paris at their Bastille Day parade 2 years ago,” Trump enthused, “so for this year’s 4th of July, there’s going to be Air Force planes flying all over DC and army tanks rolling down the streets of Washington helping to damage the city’s transportation infrastructure.”

“Why don’t you send an ICBM into the chambers of the House of Representatives killing all those nasty Democrats while you’re at it?” Lexington sarcastically thought aloud.

“Lexington,” Trump kissed Lexington on the cheeks with a fervour that would have made the Jesuit priest Father James Martin proud, “what a splendid idea.”

“I was just joking,” the valet took out a handkerchief and wiped the $750.00 Ivanka brand of lipstick off his cheek.

“Oh,” Trump looked disappointed.

-A vampire novel chapter
Written by Christopher
Tuesday July 2nd
2019.

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The Maltese Falcon At Mar-A-Lago: A Poem

April 3, 2019 at 10:46 pm (Detective story, Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, International Intrigue, Mystery, News, Poetry, Romance, Spy Tales, Technology, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Narrator of poem:

“How are ya, sweetheart?
I’m the ghost of Humphrey Bogart
I was recently challenged by my friend the ghost of Orson Welles
to see if I still got tough guy and private eye skills
that I used to have in my movies.

So I took him up on his challenge and headed down to Florida
The site of one of my popular films Key Largo
I heard about this swanky place down there called Mar-a-Lago
A private Palm Beach, Florida club owned by a temper tantrum throwing
spoiled brat billionaire named Donald Trump
Imagine my surprise when I heard this bozo
was also the President of the United States
The country has certainly gone down hill
since the days of Harry Truman
I figure.

Anyways a Chinese lady spy named Yujing Zhang
was arrested at the club trying to enter it with a
thumb drive containing malware
I had no idea what a thumb drive is
Thought it might be that a car was driven by your thumb
instead of both hands in this day and age
or maybe some newly designed form of golf club
they came up with that quite literally relies on the rule of thumb
And as for malware, I thought it was some guy named Mel Ware
who just might be the uncle of Token Ware
a female character in a Raymond Chandler Philip Marlowe story

I was set straight on the new developments in technology
by the ghosts of eccentric Serb-American inventor Nikola Tesla
and some British guy named Alan Turing
who made a name for himself in mathematics

Anyways it turns out this Yujing Zhang wasn’t the only femme fatale
causing intrigue down at Club Mar-a-Lago
Some woman named Li Cindy Yang is also involved
It turns out she owns a massage parlour
where prostitution is said to be going on
on the premises
One of her arrested johns was a Mr. Robert Kraft
the owner of a football team called The New England Patriots
The case is made even more interesting by the fact
that the team’s quarterback Tom Brady
claims he’s able to win football games
through the help of his wife
Gisele Bundchen
who’s a witch.

The whole thing reminds me of a film my friend Veronica Lake
made back in 1942
called I Married A Witch

So you can imagine my surprise when I walked through the door
of Club Mar-a-Lago
and saw the Maltese Falcon on the table
That old bird that appeared in the film by that title
That I starred in back in 1941

Around the table lay the bodies of various secret service agents
who had been completely drained of blood
A beautiful Chinese woman wearing a white evening dress
stood outside the club dining room window
in the middle of the pouring rain

“That most enchanting and intriguing woman is the Chinese Communist vampiress Mei-ling Manchu,”
The ghost of Orson Welles arrived in the nick of time
sipping a glass of red wine,
“She’s the daughter of Dr. Fu Manchu the famous scientist
whose exploits were written about in the novels of Sax Rohmer”.

“What’s she doing here?” I asked Welles.
Welles smiled, “She’s hidden a bunch of condoms owned by the Knights of Malta
in that Maltese Falcon.
That way when they’re found by law enforcement authorities
who are already on their way over here
The find will prove to be problematic and embarrassing
for both Donald Trump and Pope Francis
And the Chinese government will have killed two birds with one stone.”

“Well, that explains the pair of sunglass wearing dead pink flamingos I passed by on the lawn on the way in then,” I remarked
“Those are actually lawn ornaments knocked over by drunken country club members,” Welles finished his wine.

I noticed Mei-ling Manchu approach a fire-breathing Black Dragon
and crawl on to its back
“Off to Venezuela,” she said, “There to watch the Donald play his final Trump card before we divide this land between ourselves and the Russians.”
She and the Dragon flew off into the night sky

I walked outside to watch the Dragon and the vampiress depart
I looked down at the two pink flamingos and remarked to Welles,
“Well, I suppose the problems of two flamingos don’t amount to a hill of beans in this world.”
Welles lit himself a cigar and remarked, “Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. But someday and soon.”
Some young woman named Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez stood outside the club and waved a document called the Green New Deal.

“Bogey on the 18th hole,” the ghost of Arnold Palmer remarked as he walked by with his golf clubs.

I laughed, patted Welles on the shoulder and said,
“You know, Orson, this could be the start of a beautiful friendship”
As we walked off into the misty greens.

-A poem and vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday April 3rd
2019.

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Tom Brady and The Baphomet

February 6, 2019 at 11:56 pm (Celebrities, Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, International Intrigue, News, Politics, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Renfield R. Renfield was having lunch with his friends Amadeus Emanon and Angelique Dumont.

Renfield was having his favourite item on the menu- the Deluxe Dagwood Bumstead sized tuna fish sandwich.

“So anyways,” Renfield went on between huge mouthfuls of tuna fish, “it turns out that the aide to Rep. Nancy Pelosi spoke to stakeholders in both Blue Cross and Blue Shield insurance companies and assured them that there was no way Rep. Pelosi would allow for a national publicly funded single payer health care system. Hence I was right to advise my favourite American politian Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez to give Rep. Nancy Pelosi the raspberry she so richly deserved when the former arrived in Washington DC. Establishment Democrats are just as bad as Trump neo-Establishment Republicans in defending the interests of ordinary working class and middle class Americans but the pseudointellectuals who make up the editorial content and opinion of The New York Times and Washington Post haven’t figured that out yet. They’re still busy blaming the poor Russians for Trump’s victory in 2016. Have you noticed the Robert Mueller probe which has been going on and on have charged Trump’s cronies with all manner of felonies except collusion with the Russians? Trump and Pelosi may be divided when it comes to walls but when it comes to denying poor and sick Americans access to first rate quality health care, the Donald and Nancy are united as one. Egads that sickening imagery I just used in my last sentence I won’t be able to get out of my mind now.”

Renfield pushed aside his remaining half plate of the Deluxe Dagwood Bumstead Tuna Sandwich.

Amadeus (whose large appetite overcame any aversion he might have had towards Renfieldian imagery of Donald Trump and Nancy Pelosi engaged in conjugal relations even though both were excellent at screwing the country) promptly started to eat the sandwich.

“And then of course the New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady who may or may not have inflatable and deflatable balls,” Renfield added, “is now promoting Baphomet worship through the beer named in his honour.”

“Baphomet the trans-species and transgendered hybrid goat-human demon worshiped by the Knights-Templar, Eliphas Levi, Aleister Crowley and all those groups who object to public displays of the 10 Commandments?” Amadeus stopped eating (albeit momentarily).

“The very same,” Renfield nodded.

“I’d heard about that,” said Angelique Dumont who was an American vampiress from New Orleans (and therefore most definitely not a Tom Brady fan), “The Samuel Adams Brewing Company based in Boston is brewing a limited edition beer that celebrates Tom Brady as the GOAT (Greatest of All Time except in those moments when his balls start deflating). But the goat they use in the image is the Baphomet goat head.”

“Wow,” Amadeus managed to say between mouthfuls of the tuna.

“And of course the quarterback holding the ball on the beer can who happens to have the head of the Baphomet bears the #12 on his jersey which of course is Tom Brady’s number but 2012 is also the year that the famous French Lovecraftian inspired artist and painter P.H. Felinedamour mysteriously disappeared on the night of December 21st just as the Baphomet was seen standing outside his art studios,” Renfield remarked as he sipped his Chai tea.

“Wow,” Amadeus repeated his mantra for the evening the same way that Fox news commentators mindlessly and stupidly repeat the mantra word of Venezuela whenever they were confronted with Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s proposals for a publicly funded national healthcare system.

. . .

“Who are you?” New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady asked the ghostly white figure wearing the black mask who approached him.

“I am the ghost of Dr. Faustus,” the spectre replied, “the one who foolishly sold his soul to the demon Mephistopheles. I was recently granted temporary dispensational leave from Purgatory by Hades and Persephone the rulers of the Underworld to come warn you as Hades just happens to be a New England Patriots fan.”

“Warn me of what?” Brady spilled GOAT Beer all over himself.

“The Baphomet (whom you stupidly sold your soul to) will soon be coming for your soul,” Faustus sneezed an ectoplasmic sneeze all over the inside of his mask.

“But I was promised 7 Super Bowl titles in exchange for my soul,” Brady protested, “Just like Oliver Cromwell was promised 7 years of power as absolute ruler of Britain when he sold his soul to Lucifer the Devil himself. I only have 6 Super Bowl titles.”

“Yes, but the Antichrist might be coming soon,” Faustus took off his mask showing a heavily burnt and disfigured face, “and the Baphomet is afraid that in the confusion of the Apocalypse, your soul might somehow get away from him.”

“How the Hell is the Antichrist coming soon?” Brady asked.

“Well, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, Pope Francis, Talpiot (which is the Israeli equivalent of DARPA) and Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman are currently working on a strict timetable,” Faustus answered.

“Shit,” said Brady.

Faustus continued to walk down the street where he passed filmmaker Michael Moore in a pizzeria drinking GOAT Beer alongside the demon Baal and eating the pizzeria’s John Podesta pizza special.

-A vampire novel
written by Christopher
Wednesday February 6th
2019.


The Baphomet and Tom Brady merged in one on a GOAT Beer can.

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Sherrielock Holmes’ 165th Birthday

January 6, 2019 at 11:57 pm (Espionage, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Espionage, International Intrigue, love, News, Romance, Spy Tales, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Today is the Feast Day of the Epiphany.

And it was on the Feast Day of The Epiphany in 1854 that two remarkable individuals were born.

Twins.

A boy and a girl.

The boy would go on to achieve fame and fortune as the world’s greatest consulting detective- Sherlock Holmes of 221 B Baker Street.

The girl would remain in the shadows.

One because of her chosen profession- that of a dominatrix.

And although her clientele included members of the British Empire’s high and mighty, no one wished to publicly speak of her.

She also worked for the most secret levels of British Intelligence.

She had been recruited into British Intelligence on the recommendation of one Winston Churchill in 1914 when he served in the World War I British cabinet as First Lord of The Admiralty.

By this time of course Sherrielock Holmes had achieved immortality.

Quite literally.

For she had eaten a specially prepared omelette made with Lingzhi supernatural mushrooms that had been developed by her husband the noted scientist Dr. Louis Rocher (who was ironically enough the illegitimate son of her twin brother’s mortal arch Prof. James Moriarty and a single unmarried French woman named Isabelle Rocher) which gave her immortality.

Dr. Rocher decided to wait to prepare a similar omelette and achieve immortality for himself.

A decision he came to regret after his plane was shot down by the Red Baron on April 20th 1918 just the day before the Red Baron was shot down himself by Canadian pilot Roy Brown on April 21st.

His immortal Lingzhi supernatural mushroom omelette recipe went to the ground with him.

Sherrielock Holmes left British Intelligence in 1920 and became a school teacher throughout the 1920s.


Sherrielock Holmes found her dominatrix training came in handy teaching in a girls’ school in the 1920s.


Living life briefly as a blonde, she also found her dominatrix experience came in handy teaching in a boys’ school in the 1920s.

Today of course, Sherrielock turned 165.

Her brother Sherlock had been offered one of Dr. Louis Rocher’s immortal omelettes as well but turned him down describing it as “oriental mumbo-jumbo” and “hocus pocus nonsense”.

Sherlock subsequently died of a massive cardiac arrest on May 28th 1937 upon hearing the news on BBC Radio that Neville Chamberlain had replaced Stanley Baldwin as Prime Minister of Britain.

German Fuhrer Adolf Hitler’s glee was the great British consulting detective’s death agony.

So Sherlock was not present at Sherrielock’s 165th Birthday party being held in the main dining room at the Savoy Hotel in London tonight hosted by her great-grandson Dr. Cadbury Rocher who was the chief scientist at Set Enterprises the research and development firm owned by the London based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set.

Dr. Cadbury Rocher was the man said to embody the best (and the worst) of Holmes and Moriarty blood.

His greatest testtube genetic creation was present- the shapeshifting hamster/human British MP Renfield R. Renfield widely touted to someday become the Prime Minister of Britain and the Sir Winston Churchill of the 21st Century.

Also present was Amadeus Emanon (Set’s personal concert pianist) who had recently started recording his own songs at a major London music and recording studio and those few music critics who had listened to his songs touted him as a future British music sensation to equal the likes of David Bowie and Freddie Mercury.

Not present was Pan Goatee who had run away from Set Enterprises laboratories to join an American electric music rock band back in 2013 and now worked as a contract assassin for America’s DARPA and a satyr serial killer of ugly women.

There were various genetically modified animals that Dr. Rocher had created as well- including Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster who was currently occupying a blow proof lobster tank in the dining room of the Savoy.

That new Rocher prototype lobster tank turned out not to be so blow proof when Sherrielock entered the Savoy dining room wearing her lovely evening dress.

Waiters and bus boys were still mopping up water and London private eyes Agathor Christie and Magog Rhys Petley (who were a defeated British Conservative MP and defeated British Labour MP respectively) hired to provide security for the birthday party were trying to prevent Gordon Ramsay, who had mistaken Michelangelo for an ordinary crustacean, from placing him in a pot of boiling water.

Intelligence agents from Russia, China and Venezuela were also at the event hoping to discover Dr. Cadbury Rocher’s plans for the redevelopment of the ancient Hebrew general Joshua’s trumpets capable of bringing down any wall (which would virtually ensure that Donald Trump would be pissing $5.6 billion in U.S. taxpayers’ money down the drain).

Renfield was already on his Huawei smart phone communicating with his latest crush newly elected Democratic Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez:

“Now more than ever I think $5.6 billion would be better spent towards implementing a national public health insurance program that most civilized nations in the western world already have” – Renfield

As for another of Dr. Cadbury Rocher’s creations, the genetically recreated winged horse Pegasus was now the pet and favourite animal of Queen Rania of Jordan.

She had received offers from both Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman and Jared Kushner to sell him but she had turned both men down flat.

And as in another place, billionaire George Soros was drowning his sorrows in champagne over the possible imminent collapse of the Brussels led European Union, the ghost of Sir Winston Churchill was proposing a toast to Sherrielock Holmes on her 165th Birthday.

And the ghost of Orson Welles took an old black and white picture of Sherrielock Holmes with an old Polaroid Model 95 Land camera invented by Edwin Land in 1948:

Sherrielock Holmes on her 165th Birthday- Not looking a day over 25.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday January 6th
2018
Feast of Epiphany

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Peter Whitstable: On The Trail of Demon Possessed Dogs In The English Countryside

July 15, 2018 at 11:14 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, Mythology, News, Romance, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , )

Peter Whitstable: On The Trail of Demon Possessed Dogs In The English Countryside

British MP Renfield R. Renfield remarked after watching Infowars Conspiracy Theorist Alex Jones on YouTube on his laptop, “This Alex Jones is an idiot for calling New York’s 14th Congressional District Democratic Party nominee Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez a Communist. The man doesn’t seem to know the difference between a Communist and a Eurosocialist.”

“And then of course,” Amadeus Emanon remarked in reply, “There’s British television interviewer Piers Morgan who’s an idiot for not knowing that journalist Ash Sarkar is a Communist when everyone else in Britain knows that Ash Sarkar is a self admitted Communist.”

“That was pretty funny,” Renfield smiled, “when pompous Piers said to her “You talk like a Communist” and Ash replied, “I am a Communist, you idiot.” “

. . .

Vladimir Putin lay down to rest.

Today he awarded the 2018 FIFA World Cup to France 🇫🇷.

Tomorrow he’d be meeting America’s Twitterer-In-Chief Donald Trump.

As Putin lay on his pillow, a raven flew in through the window and cried, “Beware the Lobsters of July!
Beware the Lobsters of July!”.

A bust of Pallas Athena fell off his bedroom writing table.

And a leather bound old volume copy of The Complete Works of Edgar Allan Poe fell off his book shelf.

The raven turned and flew out the window.

“What the Hell,” Putin wondered, “does that mean?”.

. . .

Peter Whitstable the Fox Mulder of Interpol was trekking through the English countryside.

A pair of demonically possessed dogs were running loose.

They had escaped after an exorcism attempt was performed on them by the Rev. Father Aidan Bury Saint Edmunds the vicar of Saint Swithin’s By The Floodwaters Parish Church.

They had then tried to attack U. S. President Donald Trump at a statue unveiling outside The Trump Arms Pub in London.

And now they were running lose in the English countryside creating chaos and havoc.

Eating sheep 🐑 and then regurgitating goats 🐐.

One of the demon possessed dogs used to be a Dachshund named Bashful.

He had now turned into a giant spectral wolfhound who was the Hound of The Baskervilles Reincarnated.

The other demon possessed dog was a Welsh corgi named Friendly.

He had since turned into a dog with the body of a Saint Bernard but he now had 3 heads- the head of a Rottweiler, the head of a Bassett hound and the head of a chihuahua.

Whitstable stumbled onto an English country pub.

He decided to go inside and ask them if they had seen the demon possessed dogs who were somewhat recognizable in appearance.

When he came through the door, he noticed to his surprise the ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith sitting on a chair at the end of the bar.

“Good evening, Mr. Whitstable,” she smiled her sweet Vampiric incisors at him, “Can you tell me where your friend Dracul Van Helsing is?”.

“What do you want with Van Helsing?” Whitstable asked.

At that moment, a copy of the Kama Sutra fell off one of the pub book shelves.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday July 15th
2018.

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Dogs Instinctively Know Bad People From Good

July 12, 2018 at 10:42 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, News, Politics, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Dogs Instinctively Know Bad People From Good

Peter Whitstable the Fox Mulder of Interpol received an email from New York City’s Interpol office saying that the Mexican Consul-General in New York City Juan Diego Garcia had been assassinated by an unknown female assassin by one of the side doors of the Episcopal Cathedral of Saint John the Divine in New York City.

Senor Garcia had gone to Saint John the Divine for a meeting with some of the city’s church ⛪, mosque 🕌 and synagogue 🕍 clergy to discuss an organized religious opposition to Donald Trump’s proposed wall on the U.S. – Mexico border.

Due to his sudden beheading by the sexy unknown female assassin who pulled a carving knife from her panties underneath her skirt, he was unable to attend the meeting.

Interpol New York asked Whitstable if he knew the identity of the unknown woman who was captured on video camera and whose video of her criminal action went viral on the Internet.

. . .

U.S. President Donald Trump was attending a sculpture unveiling outside The Trump Arms pub in London.

He was applauded by a group of 100 Trump supporters, Brexit opponents and ultra British nationalists.

Police were on hand to hold back the crowds of Trump opponents which was 90% of the City of London.

Trump had had a hectic past couple of days.

He spent yesterday at the NATO summit insulting German Chancellor Angela Merkel and spent today in London insulting British Prime Minister Theresa May.

How To Win Friends and Influence People was definitely not a bestseller Mr. Trump would be writing anytime in the near future.

The statue he would be unveiling tonight would be of himself Donald Trump depicted as a statue called Christ of The Sermon On The Wall.

The sculpture was done by an ultra-nationalist English Brexit supporter and immigrant opponent.

The sculpture showed Trump in Christ like robes and Christ like pose delivering a sermon standing on a wall dividing the U.S. from Mexico rather than the Mount of Beatitudes near Capernaum where Jesus of Nazareth once preached.

Standing in the crowd awaiting the unveiling with a huge smile on his face was the recently created Vatican Cardinal Samhain Salaman the newly installed Archbishop of the newly created Welsh diocese of Llanthony Abbey and The Black Mountains.

Up until a few months ago, Salaman had been a professional stage magician and master illusionist who performed under the stage name Salaman The Magician.

“Ladies and gentlemen and those of you who are miserable opponents,” Trump began his speech, “I very much deserve this great honour that has been bestowed upon me- being depicted as Christ the Saviour of The World. In my humble and modest opinion, no one living on the earth at this moment in time deserves it more. As you know this coming autumn, my son-in-law Jared Kushner will be unveiling a comprehensive Middle East peace plan that will win me this year’s Nobel Peace Prize and we’ll all be able to finally shout in words I believe that Christ himself once used, “Peace and safety.”

The crowd immediately in front of The Trump Arms Pub applauded.

“The Romans which included that Roman who was most like me- Julius Caesar had a saying, “Unleash the dogs of war”, Trump laughed, “but with this statue unveiling, I say unleash the doves of peace.”

Trump unveiled the statue and standing there growling were two monstrously huge demonically possessed dogs- a giant spectral wolfhound and a three headed Saint Bernard with the head of a Rottweiler, the head of a Bassett Hound and the head of a chihuahua for its three heads.

The giant spectral wolfhound who was the Reincarnated Hound of The Baskervilles had been a Dachshund called Bashful prior to becoming demonically possessed.

And the three headed Saint Bernard with the head of a Rottweiler, Bassett Hound and chihuahua who was called the Neo-Modernist Cerberus For Our Times had been a Welsh corgi called Friendly before becoming demonically possessed.

The two dogs had become demonically possessed as a result of fooling around with a Ouija board.

An exorcism attempt had been performed on the pair by the Rev. Father Aidan Bury Saint Edmunds the vicar of Saint Swithin’s By The Floodwaters Parish Church and his volunteer assistant Tewkesbury In The Cotswolds MP Renfield R. Renfield.

The demonic duo however had broken their iron chain and leash that held them and bounded into the English countryside where they somehow managed to end up under the tent that covered the now vanished statue of Trump As The Christ of The Sermon On The Wall.

Samhain Cardinal Salaman The Magician smiled as he pulled the actual handkerchief of Queen Anne Boleyn out of his pocket.

The two demon possessed dogs meanwhile chased Trump into the arms of the Baby Trump temper tantrum throwing rubber inflatable that had just become dislodged from its moorings.

. . .

Meanwhile a video surfaced showing another dog’s reaction to a rising young American political leader New York’s 14th Congressional District Democratic Party nominee Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez:

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday July 12th
2018.

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Panty Goatee and The Episcopal Cathedral of Saint John The Divine

July 11, 2018 at 10:55 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, News, Politics, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , )

Panty Goatee and The Episcopal Cathedral of Saint John The Divine

Belvedere the ghost of the Ghost White Salamander and an amphibian spectral reporter for the Times of London was here in New York City.

He was visiting the Episcopal Cathedral of Saint John The Divine in New York City.

He was here to interview the ghost of the late Episcopalian Bishop James Albert Pike about being asked by Pope Francis to compose a new version of the Lord’s Prayer (to be renamed the Hermaphrodite Comrade General-Secretary’s Prayer) for a new ecumenical Mass that was being designed by a top secret interfaith committee of Roman Catholics, Lutherans and Anglicans.

Pike’s ghost was currently visiting New York’s Episcopal Cathedral of Saint John The Divine where he had served as Dean of the Cathedral for six years from 1952 to 1958 prior to being elected bishop coadjutor of California and then succeeding to the see a few months later after the death of his predecessor.

Maintaining the episcopal arrogance he was noted for when he was alive, Bishop Pike still refused to believe in the existence of Hell despite roasting away on a spit in Tartarus for the past 49 years.

He had been granted a temporary dispensation of absence by Hades the Greek god of the Underworld after a request from Pope Francis that he do so.

Belvedere stood outside the side entrance of the Cathedral when the statue of a gargoyle fell on top of him.

He jumped out of the way forgetting that he was a ghost and could not be killed a second time.

Who did that? Belvedere wondered to himself.

He had talked to the famous London private eyes Magog Rhys Petley and Agathor Christie before leaving London for New York.

They had told him they were on a secret mission for the British government and would be flying to Helsinki next week.

Despite pressing for more details, the pair refused to divulge anymore to the spectral amphibian reporter.

Although they kept ordering more sushi 🍣 for the ninja mask wearing lobster in the small aquarium next to their table in the Japanese restaurant they were dining in.

Magog and Agathor told Belvedere that they had visited St. John The Divine Episcopal Cathedral last summer where they saw Shiva the Hindu god of destruction and transformation walking around.

They weren’t sure whether the Hindu deity was on a mission of destruction or transformation or both.

Belvedere said he would be on the lookout for any signs of Shiva on this occasion.

The ghostly salamander’s thoughts retuned to the broken gargoyle that lay on the sidewalk beside him.

It was then that he saw her- a beautiful blue and white haired and tattooed young woman wearing a sexy skirt, absinthe green coloured corset and super spiked stiletto high-heeled shoes.

The woman lifted her skirt and pulled a butcher’s meat cleaver knife out of her panties and then cut the head off a man who was trying to enter the side door of the Cathedral.

“My God,” shouted a campaign worker for New York 14th Congressional District Democratic Party nominee Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez, “that woman outside the door of the Cathedral there just murdered the Mexican Consul-General in New York City.”

The ghost of a New York Shakespearean actor who had been famous in the 19th Century for playing the character of Snout in A Midsummer Night’s Dream shouted, “Beware all opponents of the wall for you are being targeted.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday July 11th
2018.

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Dr. Faustus Imhotep Unveils Panty Goatee

July 9, 2018 at 11:48 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, Mythology, News, Politics, Romance, Science-Fiction, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

Dr. Faustus Imhotep Unveils Panty Goatee

“Guess who may become Prime Minister of Britain 🇬🇧 in the next few weeks?” British MP Renfield R. Renfield asked his good friend Amadeus Emanon.

“Who?” Amadeus Emanon inquired of Renfield as he was about to eat the first of half a dozen steak sandwiches he had ordered from Cato’s Catering.

“Me,” Renfield grinned.

For the second time in two weeks, Amadeus Emanon put his knife and fork 🍴 aside as he lost his appetite.

“How did this come about?” Amadeus stared blankly into space.

“Through the resignations of David Davis as Brexit Secretary and Boris Johnson as Foreign Secretary,” Renfield explained, “There’s a terrible split in both the Conservative Cabinet and the Conservative Party over Prime Minister Theresa May’s Brexit deal with the European Union 🇪🇺. The government may collapse at any moment.”

“So how does that help you become Prime Minister?” Amadeus buried his head in his hands.

“Well,” Renfield grabbed the knife and fork and proceeded to start eating the first of his friend’s steak 🥩 sandwiches, “rather than call an election and face the possibility of another hung government (maybe quite literally hung), Her Most Gracious Majesty The Queen wants the Conservatives and Labour to join together in a coalition National Unity Government with me serving as Prime Minister and head of the coalition National Unity government since Her Majesty believes that I’m the current contemporary British MP who is most like the first Prime Minister of her long reign who was none other than Sir Winston Churchill.”

Amadeus stared solemnly as Renfield started eating the second of his steak 🥩 sandwiches after finishing the first.

“So since I’m about to become Prime Minister, I’m afraid I can’t fly to Helsinki next week carrying the genetically created Japanese Ninja lobster assassin Shinigami to bump off two individuals who are holding an important meeting there on July 16th. One individual has to be killed as vengeance for the Novichok caused death of British citizen Dawn Sturgess and the other individual has to be killed for insulting the Prime Minister of a British Commonwealth country. Therefore I’ve hired the famous London private eyes (and former MPs) Magog Rhys Petley and Agathor Christie (and got them temporary licenses to kill from Her Majesty’s Government) to carry Shinigami into the country.
Dr. Cadbury Rocher finally perfected his latest genetic creation this past June 28th. Shinigami now has a deadly dose of the most fatal scorpion 🦂 poison within his lobster claws. And his handlers (i.e. Agathor and Magog) will be wearing special gloves 🧤 so they will not be subject to the poison. I’ve since bought stock in Russian and U.S. state funeral catering companies based on this insider information so I can make tons of money after these two individuals kick the bucket thanks to Shinigami’s poisoned dipped lobster claws.”

Amadeus looked on wistfully after Renfield had demolished the third of the half dozen steak 🥩 sandwiches.

Then an idea 💡 occurred to him.

“Do you remember a couple of weeks ago, you were trying to find the personal phone number of New York’s 14th Congressional District Democratic Party nominee Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez?” Amadeus smiled.

“Oh yes?” Renfield paused just before taking a bite of the 4th steak 🥩 sandwich.

“Well, Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders’ Private Secretary phoned you (while you were out preaching the Good News of Transhumanism to female workers in London’s Red Light District) just before she leaves on a 4-week undisclosed personal vacation with Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s number. A number I wrote down.”

“Great!” Renfield grinned like the Cheshire Cat about to devour the world’s largest tuna fish sandwich and laid aside both his fork and the plate of the uneaten 4th steak 🥩 sandwich, “What is it?”.

Amadeus continued smiling, “Well I wrote it down and also didn’t memorize it. I left it on the table by the front door and the new cleaning lady for the mansion ripped it up into hundreds of pieces and threw it in the garbage can outside. And as you know, garbage pickup is today.
So I’m afraid the number is lost to you for the next 4 weeks.”

As Renfield stared blankly into space for the next 5 minutes, Amadeus went to the kitchen drawer and got himself a clean knife and fork 🍴 and proceeded to eat the last 3 steak sandwiches.

. . .

Pope Francis was meeting with one of his newest appointed cardinals Samhain Cardinal Salaman (who prior to being elevated to the Vatican College of Cardinals worked as a stage magician by trade under the name Salaman the Magician).

Up until his appointment, Salaman wasn’t even Catholic (he had been an adherent of the Black Magic aspects of Jewish Kabbalistic mysticism).

But after Pope Francis had talked him into being a Cardinal, he was baptized a Catholic, confirmed a Catholic, ordained a deacon, ordained a priest, consecrated a bishop and then elevated to the Cardinalate all on the same day.

Salaman was also named the Archbishop of the newly created Welsh Diocese of Llanthony Abbey and the Black Mountains.

Francis was discussing with the new Cardinal Samhain Salaman his plans for a new ecumenical Mass that was being worked on by a committee of Roman Catholics, Lutherans and Anglicans.

Francis desired a new version of the Lord’s Prayer (Christ’s original wasn’t good enough for the 21st Century in his enlightened papal opinion) for the new Mass.

For that purpose, Francis had asked Hades the Greek god of the Underworld to release the spirit of the 1960s U.S. Episcopal bishop of California the Right Reverend James Albert Pike from the fires 🔥 of Tartarus to come up to Earth’s surface and write a new version of the Lord’s Prayer for the new Mass.

Francis and Cardinal Samhain Salaman were now reading the first draft of the late Bishop Pike’s literary masterpiece,

“Our transgendered parent who’s far out of this world,
Groovy is your name…”

. . .

Dr. Faustus Imhotep the acting head of DARPA was about to unveil his latest genetic creation and agency assassin Panty Goatee to General Custer Eastmoreland the U.S. Army General responsible for overseeing DARPA.

Panty Goatee was the genetically cloned twin sister of DARPA contract assassin and satyr serial killer Pan Goatee.

Dr. Faustus Imhotep had given the U.S. Twitterer-In-Chief a sneak preview of Panty Goatee back on May 13th of this year but the Donald had thrown a major spaz attack and pulled out his toupee upon seeing her.

The reason?

The Donald did not like her furry style goat 🐐 legs.

He ordered Dr. Faustus Imhotep to have Panty lose the fur.

So after rechecking the DNA formula, he did some genetic tweaking and managed to eliminate the fur off her legs.

Now Dr. Faustus Imhotep was showing General Custer Eastmoreland the new and improved Panty Goatee.

After taking off the Harry Potter and Severus Snape emblazoned curtains, Dr. Faustus Imhotep unveiled Panty Goatee to the general:

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday July 9th 2018

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