Renfield, A Disembodied Head, A Missing Peace Prize and Welles’ Gatsby MacBeth

January 10, 2020 at 11:58 pm (Culture, Film, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Literature, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

Renfield, A Disembodied Head, A Missing Peace Prize and Welles’ Gatsby MacBeth

It was evening and British MP Renfield R. Renfield was once again on Skype talking to his friend Amadeus Emanon who was in Australia.

Amadeus was part of an international group of volunteers working to rescue koalas, kangaroos and other wildlife from the wildfires that were currently raging in that country.

“Some fire fighters and rescue volunteers captured some photos of an unusual sight today,” Amadeus mentioned.

“Oh, and what was that?” Renfield asked.

“It was photos of the flaming disembodied head of a Jesuit priest going around setting fire to trees,” Amadeus answered.

“That is a very unique and unusual form of arson,” Renfield used his Sherlockian powers of deductive reasoning to reach that conclusion.

“Angelique,” Amadeus referred to his girlfriend, “captured a video of it.”

Amadeus showed Renfield the video.

As flames of fire came forth from the disembodied head, the Jesuit said, “Survival of the fittest. Jump start the next evolutionary leap. Koalas and kangaroos won’t help the Cosmos evolve towards the Omega Point.”

“Makes you wonder if this Omega Point is worth evolving to,” Renfield commented as he took a swig of whisky.

. . .

The news video clip was of Donald Trump at a campaign event in Toledo, Ohio the night before.

Trump told his supporters, “I’m going to tell you about the Nobel Peace Prize, I’ll tell you about that. I made a deal, I saved a country and I just heard that the head of that country is getting the Nobel Peace Prize for saving the country. I said, ‘What, did I have something to do with it?’. Yeah, but you know, that’s the way it is. As long as we know, that’s all that matters… I saved a big war, I’ve saved a couple of them.”
Trump was stating that he deserved the Nobel Peace Prize for ending the war between Ethiopia and Eritrea.

Not Ethiopian Prime Minister Abiy Ahmed, 43, the man who actually ended the war.

The U.S. influence in the peace talks was minimal.

And so Donald Trump was making a whopper of a claim.

Probably the biggest whopper of a claim since then Prime Minister Brian Mulroney of Canada (the biggest most pompous and most arrogant asshole that Canadian politics has ever produced) made the whopper of a claim back in 1990 that he was the man single handedly responsible for the dismantling of the Berlin Wall in Europe and the ending of apartheid in South Africa.

Totally ignoring the efforts of Mikhail Gorbachev, Ronald Reagan and Pope John Paul II in the former event and the efforts of Nelson Mandela and F.W. De Klerk in the other.

. . .

The ghost of Orson Welles (who along with Winston Churchill’s ghost was one of two spirit advisors to Renfield R. Renfield) sat in a comfortable arm chair in the Set Estate mansion in West London sipping a glass of spectral red wine while Set’s cat Nefertiti Galore was dining on smoked oysters and vodka from her cat dish.

The ghost of Orson Welles was contemplating directing a new film- a roaring 1920s version of MacBeth in which MacBeth would appear as a Great Gatsby style figure and Lady MacBeth would come across as an even more narcissistic (than she was in Fitzgerald’s novel) version of Daisy Buchanan- one with severe psychopathic and homicidal tendencies.

Welles imagined MacBeth’s first meeting with the 3 Witches- not on a Scottish heath but in the grand drawing room of an elegant mansion on a colossal Long Island estate.

-A vampire novel chapter 
written by Christopher
Friday January 10th
2020.

Permalink 13 Comments

Harry and Meghan’s Excellent Canadian Adventure

January 9, 2020 at 11:49 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Politics, Romance, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

Harry and Meghan’s Excellent Canadian Adventure

British MP Renfield R. Renfield was on Skype talking to his friend Amadeus Emanon.

Amadeus and his girlfriend Angelique Dumont were currently in Australia along with a massive group of volunteers who were trying to rescue koalas, kangaroos, possums and other wildlife from the massive raging fires throughout Australia.

Amadeus gave Renfield a briefing on the situation in Australia.

“So, what do you have to tell me?” Amadeus asked Renfield.

“Well,” Renfield replied, “I just heard from our friend Yaldabaoth the Irish leprechaun who’s currently staying at the Mar-a-Lago resort in Florida. Apparently Theodore McCarrick the now laicized Communist homosexual pedophile ex-Cardinal, who sodomized numerous altar boys and young seminarians over the years and who negotiated the pact with China’s Xi Jinping selling out the Underground Catholic Church in that country, has been moved from the friary he was staying at in Kansas to a fancy town house in Jacksonville Florida. That townhouse was apparently once owned by Marcial Maciel the homosexual pedophile pervert who founded the Legionaries of Christ. Anyhow last night Yaldabaoth had a dream in which a tortoise reading a copy of Albert Camus’ The Myth of Sisyphus had appeared to him and told him that he should get together with Morrigan the Irish Celtic goddess of war and enact revenge on McCarrick on behalf of all those poor innocents buggered by the former Cardinal.”

“And is he going to do that?” Amadeus inquired.

“He is,” Renfield nodded.

“What are you up to?” Amadeus asked.

“Well, I’m currently examining evidence that Ukraine International Airlines Flight PS752 may have been accidentally shot down by Iran’s own missile defences thinking it was a U.S. plane retaliating for Iranian missile strikes on U.S. Air Bases in Iraq,” Renfield replied.

“Wow, how awful,” Amadeus commented.

“Iran is trying to say that it isn’t true,” Renfield noted, “that the story is a psy-ops operation being directed by the American CIA. Now the American CIA are the sort of deceptive underhanded bastards who’d engage in a psy-ops operation like that but I don’t think it happened in this case. I think it was a tragic mistake by the Iranians in the situation brought on in that part of the world by the megalomania of one Donald J. Trump.”

“People are making the claim that Gen. Qasem Soleimani was a terrorist who organized militias and various death squads across the Middle East,” Amadeus pointed out.

“Well I’m no fan of Soleimani,” Renfield answered, “but Soleimani was only doing in the Middle East what the Americans were doing throughout much of Latin America back in the 1980s. Organizing militias and death squads. That bastard Roberto D’ Aubuisson who led a right-wing death squad in El Salvador is just one of many who comes to mind. So if it’s permissible for a drone to take out Soleimani, then it’s permissible for drones to take out former CIA directors as well as former Marine Lt-Col. Oliver North.”

“I don’t think Trump would quite see it that way,” Amadeus reflected.

“No, I don’t imagine he would,” Renfield took a swig of whisky.

“What do you think of Justin Trudeau sporting a beard?” Amadeus asked next.

“He’s probably trying to look like a war time leader,” Renfield pointed out, “Dracul Van Helsing mentioned to an Alberta provincial cabinet minister he met in a coffee shop in Calgary in November that Trudeau may not necessarily be able to hold on to power in a minority government situation if a major global war broke out which Van Helsing told the said cabinet minister it probably would. As Trudeau does not have the type of fibre it takes to be a political leader in war time. Word of that probably got back to Trudeau when Alberta Premier Jason Kenney met Trudeau. And no doubt Justin thinks that by growing a beard which makes him look more mature and less boyish that this will turn him into a war time leader over night.”

“But there’s more to being a war time leader than having a beard,” Amadeus pointed out.

“You and I can both agree on that,” Renfield took another swig of whisky.

“Seeing as how you’re close friends with Prince Harry and Meghan, what do you make of them stepping back from their role as senior royals?” Amadeus asked.

“I actually advised them to go ahead and do it,” Renfield commented.

“You did?” Amadeus was shocked.

“Yes,” Renfield removed the cap off another bottle of whisky, “I’m afraid what ever good will I had with Her Majesty the Queen after rescuing one of her Welsh corgis from drowning 3 years ago, I’ve now lost.”

“So, what’s happening?” Amadeus asked.

“Well, as you may have heard on the news tonight, the Duchess of Sussex has flown back to Canada. She’s arriving in Vancouver shortly. And then will be flying to Victoria on Vancouver Island. You may not know this… But Prince Archie…. my godson… umm… Forget that I just said that,” Renfield added who had been constantly telling the British tabloid press that he could neither confirm nor deny that he was Archie’s godfather, “never returned to Britain from Canada.”

“So the Duke and Duchess of Sussex are moving to Canada?” Amadeus inquired.

“Yes, which actually ties in with the geopolitical plans that Dracul Van Helsing has for Canada,” Renfield continued to down his whisky.

“Van Helsing has geopolitical plans for Canada?” Amadeus wanted to know more.

“Yes, since foreign policy in what is becoming an increasingly dangerous world is the last thing on the minds of most Canadian politicians of whatever political party and stripe, Van Helsing has been thinking up a geopolitical strategy for Canada,” Renfield opened up his third bottle of whisky in the course of this Skype conversation with Amadeus.

“What does Van Helsing want to see?” Amadeus demanded to know.

“Well he’s come to the conclusion that since a narcissistic megalomaniac with Caesar like neo-Roman imperial ambitions is the head of state and head of government of the country directly south of him, it could be a very good thing for Canadian political sovereignty if Canada had a constitutional monarchy independent of Britain. The first Emperor of Brazil was actually a son of the King of Portugal. And it’s always been Van Helsing’s opinion that Brazil started to go down hill as a nation when the Brazilian military ousted the Emperor in a coup back in the 19th Century and it’s been going down hill ever since. Last year Van Helsing came to the conclusion that Harry and Meghan would make an ideal King and Queen of Canada.
And now it appears they want to move to Canada.”

“What will Trump make of that?” Amadeus wanted to know.

“Trump is currently wondering why Justin’s beard looks like that of the late Soleimani,” Renfield replied.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday January 9th
2020.


Meghan and Harry: Future Queen and King of Canada?

Permalink 22 Comments

Odin, Rudolphus The Fire-Breathing Reindeer and Baby Yoda

December 25, 2019 at 11:25 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

Odin, Rudolphus The Fire-Breathing Reindeer and Baby Yoda

Amadeus Emanon was listening to BBC World News on the radio.

BBC News Announcer: And in other news, Donald Trump’s personal lawyer Rudy Giuliani said that he’s currently investigating claims that Joe Biden as a 5-year-old participated in the surgical autopsy performed in Area 51 on the bodies of the ET grays who were killed in the UFO crash at Roswell New Mexico in 1947.
On the subject Donald Trump tweeted, @realDonaldTrump Go Rudy! #TheTruthIsOutThere

. . .

Peter Whitstable the man they called the Fox Mulder of Interpol was in Oslo, Norway.

He was looking at a photograph taken last night from a cliff in the Jotunheim Mountains of Norway.

Whitstable had text messaged the photo to an acquaintance of his Clive Reuel Staples a professor of Norse, Germanic and Anglo-Saxon Mythology at Oxford University.

He asked for help in identifying the figures in the photo.

Staples text messaged back that the figures were Rudolfus the Fire-Breathing Reindeer and Odin the King of the Norse gods.

Staples also informed Whitstable that Odin only rides Rudolfus the Fire-Breathing Reindeer when a major global conflict is about to break out.

Whitstable looked over at his assistant who was already turning the photo of Odin and Rudolphus the Fire-Breathing Reindeer into a Facebook meme.

. . .

British MP Renfield R. Renfield was over at the Set Enterprises laboratory to pick up Set Enterprises’ chief scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher to drive him home for Christmas dinner.

Dr. Rocher was busy working on Magical Mystery Tour the new marijuana smoking desert cactus plant that he was developing for Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau.

Sitting in the back of the car, Dr. Rocher asked Renfield, “Did you ever see the 2004 Mel Gibson film The Passion of the Christ?”.

“I did,” Renfield answered.

“Do you remember that scene where the Devil played by Italian actress Rosalinda Celentano is carrying a very sinister looking baby?” Rocher asked.

“I do,” Renfield nodded.

“Have you noticed,” Dr. Rocher drew a sketch on a piece of paper, “that if you put bigger ears on that baby, how much it looks like Baby Yoda from the Star Wars Disney + television series The Mandalorian?”.

“Dr. Rocher,” Renfield looked back at the scientist, “Are you trying to tell me that Baby Yoda is the Devil’s child? The Antichrist?”.

“I am,” Dr. Rocher nodded.

Renfield drove the Set Enterprises’ scientist to the nearest hospital emergency ward fearing that Dr. Cadbury Rocher had inhaled way too much of Magical Mystery Tour’s exhaled pot smoke.

-A vampire novel chapter 
written by Christopher
Wednesday December 25th
2019.

Permalink 16 Comments

Michelangelo Sees Bishop Barron’s Destination

December 19, 2019 at 11:54 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Politics, Religion, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

Michelangelo Sees Bishop Barron’s Destination

Amadeus Emanon was reading a newspaper story about how writer J.K. Rowling was defending a woman who had lost her employment tribunal hearing.

The Harry Potter author tweeted in support of Maya Forstater, 45, who was fired from her job at the poverty think tank The Centre For Global Development over a series of tweets she wrote questioning government plans to allow people to self-identify as another gender besides male and female.

Maya Forstater appealed her dismissal to the Central London Employment Tribunal.

And the Central London Employment Tribunal (which the ghost of Josef Stalin down in Tartarus admitted was a bureaucratic reincarnation of one of his old Stalinist Soviet tribunals) upheld Maya Forstater’s dismissal.

Ms. Rowling said she stood with Maya against the tribunal’s crushing of her freedom of opinion.

One snivelling politically correct crybaby in the article who opposed Ms. Rowling’s support (no doubt a disciple of Voldemort in the real world) said, “Nobody is suggesting she shouldn’t be allowed her opinion. But it’s dangerous language that harms people. She should be held accountable for it.”

Amadeus read the quote to his friend British MP Renfield R. Renfield.

Renfield commented, “I can just imagine the high-pitched whiny lisp with which that statement is uttered. By another gender confused person. No doubt this fellow who writes down ? next to the gender box on forms they fill out is some politically correct liberal asshole. And of course a politically correct liberal asshole is someone who says, “Everyone has the right to my own opinion.” And if you don’t happen to share the same opinion as the aforesaid politically correct liberal asshole, they’ll come after you with the full force of the state and the bureaucracy in the most Stalinesque terms imaginable. Accusing you of promoting hatred. And they define “hatred” as anything that disagrees with their own opinion.”

“So a Neo-Stalinism is on the rise in the governments, bureaucracies, media and corporations of the Western world?” Amadeus asked.

“Yes,” Renfield nodded, “It’s called Political Correctness. And most politically correct liberal assholes are either too stupid or too dishonest to realize that they don’t truly believe in freedom of speech and freedom of opinion. Their thinking always is, “Oh yes, I believe in freedom of speech and freedom of opinion BUT….”

. . .

Michelangeo the Psychic Lobster in his aquarium at Set Enterprises suddenly had a vision of the future.

A momentary glimpse of part of Judgement Day when Jesus Christ Lord of the Cosmos sat on the Throne of Judgement.

Bishop Robert Barron was being cast into the “outer darkness where there is much weeping and gnashing of teeth.”

Oh well, Michelangelo thought to himself, Bishop Barron now personally knows the answer to that question he’s always posing, “Dare we hope that all men are saved?”.

It turned out Pope Francis personally found out the answer to that question as well.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday December 19th
2019.

Permalink 2 Comments

Frosty Snowman and Teddy Bear

December 15, 2019 at 10:58 pm (Blogroll, Celebrities, Children's Story, Christmas, Comedy, Humour, Poetry) (, , , , , , , )

Frosty Snowman and Teddy Bear

Amadeus Emanon had been invited to sing an original song for the Christmas concert at Saint Genevieve’s Church which he attended.

“Do you know what he’s going to sing?” Angelique Dumont asked Amadeus’ friend Renfield R. Renfield as they sat in the pews.

“No, I don’t,” Renfield replied.

Amadeus began his introduction to the song, “When I’ve been out walking in my neighbourhood in the evening for the past couple of weeks to look at the Christmas lights, one of the houses I’ve noticed has a sparkling Frosty the Snowman lit up with some sparkling snow flakes. Next to Frosty is a teddy bear that’s carrying a large nicely wrapped Christmas present. It too is lit up. So I’ve written a song about Frosty Snowman and Teddy Bear.”

Amadeus began his song,

“Frosty Snowman, Frosty Snowman,
he is cooler than a ceiling fan,
he’s made of snow
from head to toe 
and his carrot nose 
has that certain glow.

With buttons for eyes
that hypnotize 
his charcoal mouth has never tasted fries 
He wears a scarf and several school ties 
He smokes a pipe under moonlit skies.

As for Teddy, he’s always ready 
to help you bear the unbearable 
And though you think his Christmas sweater is unwearable 
He wears it just the same
His excuse may be lame
And his pic won’t adorn a frame 
But being unique is his game.

He holds a gift nicely wrapped
He looks so fresh having recently napped 
He waves hello
With places to go
He’ll wave good-bye
But please don’t cry 
He will be back 
carrying Santa’s sack.

Frosty Snowman, Teddy Bear
As you see, they’ve got real flair 
Come Christmas Eve, you’ll see they care
And please hang your stockings by the chimney somewhere
And please don’t mock Santa’s extra large suit he’ll wear
For he ate too much Mrs. Claus’ cookies on a dare.

-A song, poem and vampire novel chapter 
written by Christopher
Sunday December 15th
2019.

Permalink 14 Comments

Renfield’s Skating Party

December 7, 2019 at 11:59 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Spy Tales, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

Renfield’s Skating Party

After having spent the previous night on the Norwegian island of Spitsbergen, British MP Renfield R. Renfield returned to his constituency of Tewkesbury In The Cotswolds to begin his last week of campaigning before next week’s UK General Election.

Tonight he would be hosting a skating party with hot chocolate and marshmallows on a skating pond not far from the town of Tewkesbury.

“It will be nice to see you on skates,” Angelique Dumont remarked to Renfield.

“Actually I won’t be skating,” Renfield said, “I’ll be standing at the back of a one horse open sleigh and handing out cups of hot chocolate and marshmallows to constituents.”

“But we told the local papers you’ll be skating to the music of Tchaikovsky’s Swan Lake when it is played on the pond’s speakers,” Amadeus noted.

“Why the heck did you do that?” Asked Renfield as he turned pale.

“You had once told a Russian ballerina back in the summer of 2016 when you were reading Hillary Clinton’s emails with her at the Russian Underground Spy Academy in Kiev that you had once skated to the music of Tchaikovsky’s Swan Lake,” Amadeus pointed out.

“But I just said that to impress her,” Renfield protested, “I don’t know how to skate.”

“Well, this should prove interesting,” Angelique commented.

Later down at the frozen pond, Amadeus and Angelique pushed Renfield on his skates to get him started.

Renfield went screaming and flying and skated straight into a bunch of American CIA agents sent to assassinate him.

He took all the assassins out with one blow as he sent them flying into the snow bank.

Angelique and Amadeus then got Renfield back up and sent him skating again.

Likewise the ineptly skating Renfield skated straight into a bunch of Russian FSB agents sent to assassinate him taking them all out with one blow as he sent them flying into another snow bank.

Angelique and Amadeus once again got Renfield back up on his skates and pushed him on to the ice again.

This time the ineptly skating Renfield skated straight into a group of Vatican based Jesuit assassins and likewise took them all out with one blow sending them flying straight into a snow bank.

“Bravo! Bravo! Great performance!” The spectators applauded thinking that Renfield’s botched skating attempt of Swan Lake and the botched assassination attempts were all a pre-planned part of the show.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday December 7th
2019.

Permalink 13 Comments

Saint Nicholas’ Night In Spitsbergen

December 6, 2019 at 11:56 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Spy Tales, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Saint Nicholas’ Night In Spitsbergen

The Set Enterprises jet landed down at the Spitsbergen International Airport.

On board were British MP Renfield R. Renfield, his friend Amadeus Emanon, members of Renfield’s personal British Army Brigade of Gurkhas and the pot smoking desert cactus plant Strawberry Fields Forever.

Strawberry Fields Forever had been flown to Spitsbergen for safe keeping since Xi Jinping had placed a death edict on him.

Renfield was dressed in the robes of and wearing the mitre of an Eastern Orthodox bishop.

He was also sporting a huge white beard and carrying a bishop’s staff shepherd’s crook.

“Tell me again why you’re dressed like that?” Asked Amadeus.

“Just on the off chance anybody asks, I’m Saint Nicholas the Bishop of Myra here to deliver a gift to the Frozen North Orleans Jazz Cafe in Spitsbergen,” Renfield answered as he practiced his knockout the heretic Arius at the Council of Nicaea punch.

“And the gift is Strawberry Fields Forever?” Amadeus asked.

“Exactly,” Renfield nodded.

When the plane finally halted, Renfield got off the plane in his bishop’s robe and gave his Apostolic episcopal blessing on the frozen wasteland.

Renfield imparted the Sign of The Cross blessing and said, “Ho-te-deum. Ho-te-deum. Ho-te-deum.”

“What does that mean?” Amadeus inquired.

“That’s Ho-Ho-Ho in Latin,” Renfield grinned underneath his beard.

“But I thought Saint Nicholas was a Greek bishop,” Amadeus noted.

“Oh shut up, Amadeus,” Renfield tripped over his bishop’s staff shepherd’s crook and went tumbling down the plane stairs.

“And I just text messaged J.K. Rowling,” Amadeus looked at his smart phone, “and she answered back right away. That isn’t how you say Ho-Ho-Ho in Latin.”

“I’ve got more important things to worry about,” Renfield stood up on his feet, “like I just froze my ass off hitting the ice on the airport tarmac.”

Suddenly a huge beam of light came down on the plane.

“This is Norwegian Immigration Authorities,” a voice said, “we want to see your identification papers.”

“We don’t have any,” Renfield answered back.

Suddenly a group of armed Norwegian Immigration officials surrounded them.

“We didn’t think you did Immigration checks here in the frozen wasteland of Spitsbergen,” Renfield called out, “We didn’t think you Immigration and Customs types enjoyed freezing your asses off.”

“We don’t,” said the snarky Immigration official, “we don’t enjoy freezing our balls off either if we had any. Mostly we’re at Customs and Immigration points where we harass tourists from Spain. But a psychic talking lutefisk on the King of Norway’s silver plate in his palace had a vision of a man dressed up as Saint Nicholas the Bishop of Myra up to no good on the island of Spitsbergen on the Night of the Feast of Saint Nicholas. That’s why we’re here.”

“No doubt, the psychic talking lutefisk also told you about the cartloads of illegal lutefisk we’re trying to smuggle into Spitsbergen in the cargo section of the plane,” said Renfield.

“What?” The Norwegian Immigration official immediately shit his pants which immediately turned to ice on this godforsaken frozen night, “Everybody unlock and search the cargo boxes.”

All the Norwegian Immigration officials immediately took the lids off the cargo crate boxes and dove in.

“But, Renfield,” Amadeus pointed out to his friend, “There’s no lutefisk in those crates. The Boss (the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set) stocked them with crocodiles to give Strawberry Fields Forever extra protection during his stay at the Frozen North Orleans Jazz Cafe.”

“Silly me, I forgot,” Renfield grinned sheepishly as the Norwegian Immigration officials uttered loud shrill piercing screams while they were eaten alive by crocodiles who were busy enjoying their first night in frozen Spitsbergen.

-A vampire novel chapter 
written by Christopher
Friday December 6th
2019.

Permalink 6 Comments

Trump Blasts “Two-Faced” Trudeau

December 4, 2019 at 10:57 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Politics, Spy Tales, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

Trump Blasts “Two-Faced” Trudeau

British MP Renfield R. Renfield was sitting in a lounge in a London hotel and discussing the day’s NATO Summit events with his friends Mei-ling Manchu, Amadeus Emanon and Angelique Dumont.

“So I see Donald Trump, while he was in a press conference meeting with Angela Merkel this morning,” Amadeus bit into his nut spread and sauerkraut sandwich, “said that Justin Trudeau was “two-faced”. What do you think of that description of the Canadian Prime Minister?”.

“Well, I suppose, since Justin Trudeau occasionally wears blackface,” Renfield answered, “Being “two-faced” might be an accurate description.”

“Doesn’t he also wear brown face and a turban when he’s pretending to be Aladdin’s genie?” Angelique Dumont inquired.

“And a green face when he’s pretending to be a Martian to impress giggling teen-aged pot smoking desert cactus girls?” Mei-ling Manchu added.

“I think Trump was angry because Justin Trudeau made fun of him in what the Canadian Prime Minister thought was a private conversation between himself, Boris Johnson, Emmanuel Macron and the Dutch Prime Minister at last night’s NATO banquet reception hosted by Her Majesty the Queen at Buckingham Palace, wasn’t he?” Amadeus downed his Earl Grey tea.

“Could be,” Renfield nodded, “although Set Enterprises’ secret agent Harvey Tallbanger reports that a man wearing blackface and a turban was seen walking on the terrace outside Melania Trump’s bedroom last night. And Harvey said Melania this morning left her room smiling like the Mona Lisa.”

“Like a moth to a flame eh?” Mei-ling quipped in reference to the U.S. First Lady’s fashion faux-pas at the Buckingham Palace reception last night.

“Speaking of flames, is the pot smoking desert cactus plant Strawberry Fields Forever going to be returned to Justin Trudeau?” Amadeus asked.

“Apparently not,” Renfield shook his head, “Set Enterprises is still worried about the threat posed to Strawberry Fields Forever’s life by Xi Jinping’s death edict written in medieval Imperial Mandaran – a scroll that Sydney Australia based billionaire Mr. Inn Lu was able to translate. And security on the Trudeau estate in Ottawa is pretty lax seeing as how it’s overseen by Sheriff Stonedwall Jackman the pot-smoking sheriff of the mystical hippy commune village of Calypso’s Bosom. Therefore Set Enterprises is moving Strawberry Fields Forever to the safety of a jazz cafe on the island of Spitsbergen. They don’t think that PRC Ministry of State Security operatives will want to freeze their asses off on an assassination mission in Spitsbergen.”

“From what I know of PRC Ministry of State Security operatives, that assessment is probably correct,” Mei-ling Manchu nodded.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday December 4th
2019.

Permalink 13 Comments

Shakespeare Said It Best: All’s Well That Ends Well

November 29, 2019 at 11:24 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Romance, Spy Tales, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

Shakespeare Said It Best: All’s Well That Ends Well

“I wonder why Trump spent Thanksgiving in Afghanistan?” Amadeus asked his friend British MP Renfield R. Renfield.

“It was apparently decided at a meeting of the U.S. National Security Council this past Wednesday night,” Renfield explained, “They thought it would be safer for Trump to be in Afghanistan than for him to be dropping turkeys from a dirigible on to the heads of innocent passers-by who were visiting the Lincoln Memorial.”

“Why would hurling turkeys from a dirigible be a problem?” Amadeus asked as he ate his turkey sandwich and drank his Ocean Spray Cranberry Cocktail.

“You do know turkeys can’t fly, don’t you?” Renfield with a raised eyebrow asked Amadeus.

“They can’t?” Amadeus stopped eating his turkey sandwich momentarily.

“No,” Renfield snarled.

“Oh,” Amadeus answered with his usual brilliant grasp of the situation that would have sent legendary detective Sherlock Holmes hurling himself in exasperation from the 2nd floor window of 221B Baker Street had Amadeus lived with Holmes rather than Watson.

Renfield’s smart phone went off.

The MP talked and then said, “That’s very good news, Dr. Rocher. Thanks for calling.”

“What was Dr. Cadbury Rocher phoning about?” Amadeus asked as he spilled Cranberry Cocktail all over his white shirt.

“Dr. Rocher has been talking to a Sydney Australia based billionaire named Inn Lu the past week,” Renfield said, “According to Inn Lu, yesterday was an auspicious time mathematically speaking for time travellers to travel back in time and time travel back to Xinjiang China a few months ago and save the pot smoking desert cactus plant Strawberry Fields Forever from being murdered on Xi Jinping’s orders. Unfortunately our two volunteer time travellers the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec and Dracul Van Helsing couldn’t use the Large Hadron Collider in Switzerland because that’s currently undergoing maintenance repairs as a result of the Hindu god Shiva taking disco dance lessons in the tunnel from John Travolta while William Shatner and those members of the Bee Gees who are still alive sang Saturday Night Fever songs backwards. Fortunately Set Enterprises owns a small working time tunnel in the Austrian Alps – the same locale used in the filming of The Sound of Music where ice glaciers and snow fields melted at the melodious voice of Julie Andrews as Maria dancing in the meadows. Dracul and Qonzilqointec had taken a small cactus from the Joshua Tree National Park north of Palm Springs California and substituted it for Strawberry Fields Forever in his holding cell in the re-education camp for transgendered Uighurs in Xinjiang only hours after the pot smoking cactus had told his PRC captors “Better dead than red” and Xi Jinping had given the orders for Strawberry Fields Forever’s wish to come true. So it was actually a Palm Springs north socialite cactus who was butchered by Mei-ling Manchu while Ho Babylon Minh video recorded it for Justin Trudeau. Strawberry Fields Forever is now back in the present and currently alive and well while a slice of a wealthy Palm Springs north socialite cactus is now in the possession of Xi Jinping’s gardener.”

“That’s wonderful news,” Amadeus took off his cranberry cocktail laced white shirt just as the matronly middle aged woman who ran the Tewkesbury Bed and Breakfast entered the room.

The sight of Amadeus with his shirt off caused the woman to swoon like a school girl and buckle at the knees and then collapse on to the floor.

“Now look what you’ve done!” Renfield cried out to Amadeus.

“Does this mean we’re not going to get scones and biscuits for high tea?” Amadeus asked.

Meanwhile a Set Enterprises pterodactyl drone flew to Australia to deliver the news to the pot smoking cacti twins Material Girl and Mellow Yellow that their father Strawberry Fields Forever was in fact still alive.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday November 29th
2019.

Permalink 18 Comments

Dwight Ball Gets A Cream Pie In The Face While Renfield Discusses Pope Francis’ Agony

November 26, 2019 at 11:57 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Politics, Spy Tales, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Dwight Ball Gets A Cream Pie In The Face While Renfield Discusses Pope Francis’ Agony

Set Enterprises’ secret agent Harvey Tallbanger an invisible 6 foot 8 tall Welsh pooka bunny rabbit who was also a good friend of noted Albertan and Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing had been visiting Canada quite a bit recently.

He had thrown a cream pie in Prime Minister Justin Trudeau’s face on Election Night when Justin had rudely interrupted Opposition Conservative Party leader Andrew Scheer’s televised concession speech by starting his own victory speech 38 seconds into Scheer’s concession speech.

Sometime later Harvey Tallbanger had thrown a cream pie into the face of Bloc Québécois asshole and separatist leader Yves-Francois Blanchet who said that western Canadian alienation was of no concern to him and the people of Alberta and Saskatchewan could go drown in their oil.

Later Tallbanger had thrown cream pies into the faces of Green Party Parliamentary leader Elizabeth May and former Progressive Conservative Prime Minister Kim Campbell for making air headed statements in television interviews.

He had also thrown a cream pie into the face of Vancouver Mayor Kennedy Stewart who said that there was no such thing as Western Canadian alienation – only Canadian Prairie province alienation (which was probably true) because pot smoking lower mainland British Columbians shared so much in common with the pot smoking Federal Liberal Party in Ottawa (also true).

Kennedy Stewart got a cream pie in his face from Harvey for sharing the same opinion of Albertans as the Bloc Québécois asshole leader.

Not to be outdone by the same coterie of airheads and assholes as those previously mentioned, Newfoundland and Labrador Liberal Premier Dwight Ball met with Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau and said that overcoming Canadian prairie province alienation shouldn’t be regarded as being a high priority on the Canadian national agenda.

After the meeting, Mr. Ball got a cream pie in his face from Harvey Tallbanger.

He also received a raspberry from Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster of Great Britain who did not think much of Newfoundland and Labrador’s lobster industry.

. . .

Donald Trump was sitting at his Oval Office desk when he was informed by one of his aides that the man he was planning to name as his National Security Council head next week (after firing the current NSC head in a Twitter tweet next week) – Mr. Eichmann Himmler the ICE agent extraordinaire (that was Trump’s description) had been eaten by crocodiles in a hotel swimming pool in Sydney, Australia.

“Bugger!” Trump threw aside a fountain pen that had once been given him by the recently laicized former Cardinal Theodore McCarrick.

“A group of U.S. Navy SEALS have entered the pool to try and recover what’s left of him,” the aide informed Trump and then left.

Trump picked up the phone and dialled a number, “Hello, Ivanka? You know how to use an encyclopedia for research don’t you? That’s great. Because I don’t. Listen, I want you to go to the encyclopedia and dig up whatever dirt you can find on crocodiles because I want to write a nasty tweet about them.”

. . .

Amadeus Emanon visited his friend British MP Renfield R. Renfield who was campaigning for re-election in the constituency of Tewkesbury In The Cotswolds.

“Did you see that video of Pope Francis listening to the Bishop of Nagano Japan playing the guitar at a late 1960s and early 1970s style hippy hootenanny Mass that was held in the Jesuit Pope’s honour on his recent visit to Japan?” Renfield asked Amadeus.

“No, I didn’t,” Amadeus answered.

“You should have seen the intense expression of agony on Francis’ face when that guitar was being played,” Renfield laughed, “I imagine it will be 2nd only to the intense expression of agony he’ll have on his face when he finds out his destination on Judgement Day.”

“I wonder who taught the Bishop of Nagano Japan how to play guitar?” Amadeus mused aloud.

“It was apparently William Shatner,” Renfield replied.

“I didn’t know William Shatner knows how to play guitar,” Amadeus was shocked.

“Yes, he apparently learned how to play guitar by playing Bob Dylan songs backwards to try to detect evidence of Klingon backwards masking,” Renfield explained.

As the words of William Shatner reciting Bob Dylan’s Mr. Tambourine Man filtered through the neighbourhood, dogs howled, cats screeched and the scream of the turtle was heard throughout the land.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday November 26th
2019.

Permalink 10 Comments

Next page »