Renfield Sings The Liebestod From Tristan und Isolde

January 19, 2018 at 9:04 pm (Arts, Culture, Entertainment, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, Humour, Music, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Renfield Sings The Liebestod From Tristan und Isolde

Various Opposition parties in the British House of Commons were hoping to delay a vote on a portion of Stage One of the Brexit bill by arranging a filibuster this evening.

They agreed the person to deliver the filibuster would be newly elected British Transhumanist MP Renfield R. Renfield.

Renfield decided to filibuster the vote by singing a song from a German opera since he didn’t figure any British MP had ever done that before.

And this would be another way to get himself Sir Renfield R. Renfield MP into the history books.

Renfield went home to the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set’s colossal London mansion to pick up a musical score and lyric sheet from Amadeus Emanon, who being a concert pianist, had several.

“I decided to sing a song from a German opera to filibuster this bill,” Renfield announced to Amadeus as he went through the latter’s musical score and lyric sheets.

“But you don’t speak German,” Amadeus pointed out.

“True,” Renfield admitted, “but that doesn’t mean I can’t sing it.”

Renfield went through the musical score and lyric sheets.

“Hm, this sounds interesting,” Renfield picked out one, “the Liebestod from Richard Wagner’s 1859 opera Tristan und Isolde.”

Renfield had left before Amadeus could point out to the parliamentarian that the Liebestod was sung by a female lead in the opera being the climactic end of the opera as the heroine Isolde sings over the hero Tristan’s dead body.

Later as Amadeus Emanon watched the BBC Evening Late News that night, the announcer announced, “And now this just in… a group of armed men with machine guns has stormed into the public gallery of the House of Commons and fired their bullets down on the floor into the direction of an Opposition MP who was trying to filibuster against a procedural bill on government Brexit legislation by singing the Liebestod from Wagner’s Tristan und Isolde.
Apparently the armed men are not members of a terrorist group but members of the German Opera Lovers’ Association.
According to a report from the BBC Culture critic who is at the scene, “the bullets have unfortunately missed Mr. Renfield…”
And this just in from Berlin, the government of Chancellor Angela Merkel have just announced that they have officially disinvited Mr. Renfield from visiting Germany 🇩🇪 next month…

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday January 19th
2018.

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Sora Aoi: Renfield’s Heartbreak

January 15, 2018 at 9:28 pm (Culture, Entertainment, Film, History, Movies, News, Romance, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Sora Aoi: Renfield’s Heartbreak

The billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set sat in the chair of his living room and read a story in The Times of London about how millions of young Chinese males were heartbroken when they heard the news that Japanese porn star Sora Aoi was getting married.

“Can you imagine,” Set remarked to his butler and valet Athelstan who was busy dusting and polishing the furniture, “people becoming heartbroken over a porn star getting married?”.

“It positively boggles the mind, sir,” remarked Athelstan who polished the jar containing Donovan’s brain from the 1953 sci-fi film.

“What is this world coming to?” Set shrugged his shoulders.

“I was pondering the very same thing the other day, sir,” quipped Athelstan who had dropped a glass globe of the world the day before that had smashed into a thousand pieces.

“I think I shall retire to my library and read the works of Virgil in the original Latin,” Set put his paper down and headed upstairs.

“There’s nothing like Dido of Carthage killing herself on a burning funeral pyre to make one forget that a contemporary porn star is getting married, sir,” Athelstan discovered an unopened bag of marshmallows in the fireplace.

As Set entered the second floor of his mansion and walked down the hall, he thought he heard loud crying and sobbing coming from inside Renfield’s bedroom.

“Amadeus,” Set asked his personal concert pianist as he passed him in the hallway, “Is that Renfield I can hear crying through his bedroom door?”.

“Yes, boss,” Amadeus nodded, “Renfield’s been like that since this morning when he heard the news that Japanese porn star Sora Aoi is getting married.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday January 15th
2018.

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After The Golden Globes

January 8, 2018 at 8:25 pm (Celebrities, Culture, Entertainment, Film, Movies, Television, Vampire novel) (, , , )

After The Golden Globes

“So the Golden Globe Awards was last night,” Renfield remarked as he drank his tea and read The Times of London.

“Yes it was and I noticed that Harvey Weinstein wasn’t on the red carpet last night,” said the somewhat naive Amadeus.

“No,” Renfield glared exasperatingly at Amadeus, “I suppose Mr. Weinstein didn’t want television audiences to see what an overcircumcision performed on the red carpet looks like.”

“Overcircumcision?” Amadeus glanced quizzically at Renfield, “How does one become overcircumcised?”.

“I hope never to find out,” Renfield replied with great honesty.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday January 8th
2018.

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Renfield Receives A Knighthood

December 30, 2017 at 11:47 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Renfield Receives A Knighthood

The billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set looked somewhat perplexed as he sat in his chair in the living room of his colossal West London mansion and tried to read his copy of The Times of London.

For every time his former employee and current tenant the British MP Renfield R. Renfield entered the living room, Amadeus Emanon would play Sir Edward Elgar’s musical piece Land of Hope and Glory on the piano.

Finally exasperated beyond all point of vampiric endurance, Set asked his butler and valet Athelstan who was busy pouring tea, “Why is it that every time Renfield enters the room, Amadeus starts playing Sir Edward Elgar’s Land of Hope and Glory on the piano?”.

“Beg your pardon, sir,” Athelstan handed Set his cup of Earl Grey tea, “but Mr. Renfield requested that Amadeus do so.”

“Why in the name of God (who doesn’t exist),” Set added honey, sugar, lemon, milk and brain expanding nanites to his tea, “did Renfield make such a request?”.

“Because Mr. Renfield has been named to the Queen’s New Year’s Honours list,” Athelstan answered.

“What?” Set spewed out a mouthful of tea which was a good thing because the sight of a vampire’s head exploding is not a pretty thing to see.

“Yes, he’s been awarded a knighthood,” Athelstan calmly wiped up the tea stain with Miss Sherrielock Holmes’ Bavarian Wild Mushroom Cleaner Stain Remover.

“In heaven’s name (even though Heaven doesn’t exist),” Set spewed out the remainder of his tea out of his mouth, “why?”.

“Ostensibly for planning that British Brigade of Gurkhas raid on that ISIS Islamic State training camp in Libya back on June 6th of this year in which Renfield had the Gurkhas tie nails and explosives to the ISIS members’ tiny testicles and which Renfield then detonated simultaneously at the push of a button – a raid Renfield planned and executed in retaliation for the Manchester and London terrorist attacks,” Athelstan answered.

“Is there another reason Renfield might have been awarded the knighthood?” Set asked.

“He dove in and saved one of the Queen’s corgis from drowning in a swimming pool earlier this year,” Athelstan remarked.

“Good God,” Set went into another relapse of Judeo-Christian terminology, “Renfield is conceited enough as it is. Imagine what he’ll be like once we have to call him Sir Renfield.”

“The whole thing fills me with chills, sir,” Athelstan dumped the tea outside which was then drunk by a rat whose head exploded after doing so.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday December 30th
2017.

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Amadeus and The Unicorn On Christmas Eve

December 24, 2017 at 10:21 pm (Christmas, Entertainment, Folklore, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

Amadeus and The Unicorn On Christmas Eve

Amadeus Emanon was spending Christmas Eve walking through London’s Hyde Park.

He’d be attending Midnight Mass at an Anglo-Catholic Church of England parish later in the evening.

His friend Renfield R. Renfield the newly elected British Transhumanist MP was spending Christmas Eve in his bedroom with the doors locked.

Renfield had seen a live stage performance of Dickens’ A Christmas Carol earlier in the evening and was now terribly afraid that like Scrooge, he’d be visited by the ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future.

Athelstan the butler and valet on the Set Estate would be spending Christmas with his mother in northern England where no doubt most of his time would be spent getting his mother out of drunken brawls arguing over who would win the FIFA World Cup in Russia next year.

The billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set (owner of the Set Estate) would be spending his time over the next few days hibernating in his sarcophagus until all the Christmas cheer died down.

Amadeus sat down on a park bench and looked at the snow and the decorative lights on some of the trees.

Suddenly from behind one of the trees a unicorn appeared.

Snow white in its appearance, it walked with its glistening horn towards Amadeus and bowed.

It then went on its way and seemed to vanish into the night.

After its appearance, a musical melody entered Amadeus’ head.

Taking out a notebook 📓 (a real old fashioned notebook and not an iPad) and a pen, Amadeus wrote down the notes to the melody.

No doubt seeing a unicorn on Christmas Eve conveys an important message, Amadeus felt.

Meanwhile back on the Set Estate, Renfield R. Renfield hid under his bedroom blankets and covers when he heard the old grandfather clock in the hall chime 11 PM.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday December 24th
2017.

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The Rabbit Who Saved Planet Earth

December 18, 2017 at 8:50 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Science-Fiction, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

The Rabbit Who Saved Planet Earth

Amadeus Emanon was down at the Set Enterprises lab.

He was eating a corned beef sandwich.

Dr. Cadbury Rocher entered the room.

“Well, well,” said Dr. Cadbury Rocher, “you’re the second person I’ve seen in the past few days who’s been eating a corned beef sandwich.”

“Who was the first?” Amadeus asked.

“The Mossad agent they call the Controller of The Golem,” Dr. Rocher replied, “I saw him eating a corned beef sandwich in Jerusalem.”

“What were you doing in Jerusalem?” Amadeus put some more mustard on his corned beef.

“Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster had a vision of an ET reptilian landing on the Temple Mount,” Dr. Rocher answered, “a vision that turned out to be correct. So I was in Jerusalem conducting an experiment.”

“An experiment?” Amadeus looked curious.

Just then a cute looking little white Angora rabbit with big pink eyes entered the lab and went over to a dish with carrots 🥕 and started eating them.

“Hello, Fluffykins,” Amadeus addressed the rabbit by name.

Fluffykins lifted up her ears, gazed at Amadeus and went back to eating her carrots.

“Yes, it was an experiment involving Fluffykins,” Dr. Rocher explained, “The past few years various world governments have approached me about the increasing number of ET reptilian landings on the planet. They were wondering if there was any way reptilians can be destroyed. So using my ingenuity and my imagination, I genetically created a rabbit capable of giving a poisonous bite to a reptilian ET that kills them instantly. That rabbit is Fluffykins. I took her to Jerusalem and she passed the test with flying colours. The reptilian is dead with its skin being sold to a merchant in China who will make faux alligator skin handbags 👜 and faux alligator skin boots out of it.”

“What made you decide on using a rabbit to deliver this poisonous bite rather than say a snake or scorpion?” Amadeus asked.

“Because rabbits are so darned cute,” Dr. Rocher smiled as little Fluffykins hopped around the lab, “no mean nasty vicious reptilian would ever dream that such an adorably cute little creature would be capable of delivering a poisonous bite that would kill them instantly.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday December 18th
2017.

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A Day In The Digital Life of Renfield

December 14, 2017 at 8:13 pm (Avatar Speaks, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Romance, Vampire novel) (, , , , )

A Day In The Digital Life of Renfield

Morning at the breakfast table in the kitchen of the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set’s colossal London mansion:

Amadeus (munching on his toast): So did you ever hear back from Miss Hailee Steinfeld over that Twitter tweet you sent her where you posted a link to your Facebook video in which you alleged that you had been bullied? Did she ask you out on a date?

Renfield (his face turning red): No, she told me that I was a purveyor of fake news and told me to go f— myself.

Amadeus (in a reflective tone of voice): Well, the first part of her statement is definitely true and as for the second part, if you could actually physically do that, you could shoot a video of yourself doing that and post it on social media and I’ll definitely guarantee that it will go viral.

. . .

Lead story on the BBC Evening News that night:

British Transhumanist MP Renfield R. Renfield has expressed his extreme disappointment that one of China’s largest tech companies has taken its flirtatious secretary virtual assistant off-line.

The avatar called Vivi appeared in an office setting wearing a blouse and short skirt and saying, “I am your girlfriend. You must love and adore me.”

Mr. Renfield said that with Vivi gone, he no longer had any reason to hack into China tech companies anymore.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday December 14th
2017.

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Renfield’s Facebook Video

December 11, 2017 at 8:46 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Renfield’s Facebook Video

“What’s with the large supply of cut and peeled onions on the kitchen table?” Amadeus asked Renfield as he entered the kitchen

“I used them to make my eyes water and look like I’m crying 😭,” Renfield explained.

“Why would you want to do that?” Amadeus grabbed some onions and a slice of cheese 🧀 and put them on his toast.

“I was just reading in the paper about this boy in Tennessee named Keaton Jones who was being bullied,” said Renfield, “his mother made a video of him talking about his experiences and put it on Facebook last Friday. It has since gone viral and racked up 22 million views.”

“What does this have to do with peeling onions and making your eyes water?” Amadeus asked.

“Well a whole bunch of celebrities have offered to be friends with him and have invited him to various events,” Renfield pointed out, “including one very hot looking babe the young actress and singer Hailee Steinfeld who asked him to be her date for the premiere of the movie Pitch Perfect 3.”

“I see,” Amadeus was indeed starting to see where this was going.

“So I just made a video about me being bullied,” Renfield went on, “that I’ve posted to Facebook. Peeling the onions made it look like I’ve been crying. I also posted a link to that video on Miss Steinfeld’s Twitter feed in hopes that she’ll invite me on a date with her.”

“When have you ever been bullied?” Amadeus asked.

“I haven’t,” Renfield grinned, “but Miss Steinfeld doesn’t know that. Besides I put on a very realistic performance. The peeled onions made it look like I’ve been crying heavily and then squeezing my balls with a pair of pliers underneath the kitchen table gave me the right intense look of agony.”

“Where and by whom have you been bullied in this bullying incident that never happened?” Amadeus queried.

“I claimed I was being bullied by my fellow MPs in the British House of Commons parliamentary cafeteria for eating tuna fish sandwiches,” Renfield feigned fake tears again, “they laughed at me and called me names and said that since I didn’t have a red nose, I wouldn’t be guiding Santa Claus’ sleigh on Christmas Eve. They told me that a real Brit would eat one of Britain’s national dishes like a roast beef sandwich for lunch or at least Britain’s other national dish which is curried lentils wrapped in naan bread. Only a total loser would eat tuna fish sandwiches every day they said to me.”

Renfield was getting so caught up in his own rhetoric about this bullying incident that never happened, he was giving quite the salt water performance.

Amadeus buried his head in his hands. This would probably be yet another Renfieldian dating ploy that would backfire.

. . .

Meanwhile in Ankara Turkey, that country’s bully Recep Tayyip Erdogan was meeting with Russian President President Vladimir Putin to discuss their new moves for the Middle East in the wake of Donald Trump’s recognition of Jerusalem as the capital of Israel 🇮🇱.

Hours earlier Putin had met with Syrian President Bashar al-Assad at the Russian Hmeimim Air Base near the Syrian port city of Lattakia.

Meanwhile in the port city of Lattakia itself, a beautiful young woman giantess (who days before had been a statue of the Palmyrene Empire Queen Zenobia in the middle of the Mediterranean Sea waters off the coast of Lattakia) was walking through the town.

She laughed heartedly when she saw someone holding an android tablet where a Facebook video of some British Member of Parliament who said he was being bullied for eating tuna fish sandwiches was being played.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday December 11th
2017.

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A Resignation From and Cushions For Mugabe

November 21, 2017 at 4:07 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

A Resignation From and Cushions For Mugabe

In the Zimbabwean capital of Harare, the speaker of Zimbabwe’s parliament read out a letter from Zimbabwe’s President Robert Mugabe in which he had announced that he had voluntarily resigned in order to allow for a smooth transfer of power.

Would the transfer be as smooth as a baby’s bottom?

Probably.

It certainly wouldn’t be so smooth for Robert Mugabe’s bottom after he got his buns tomatoed by world famous London dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes in order to get him to resign.

Meanwhile in London England, the Atkinson Comfortable Cushion and Pillow Company had just received an emergency order for a 1001 cushions to be immediately delivered to Robert Mugabe’s home in Harare Zimbabwe.

And back at the ranch… well actually the Westminster office of the British House of Commons Ethics Commissioner, the Commissioner had just received word that Tewkesbury In The Cotswolds Transhumanist Party MP Renfield R. Renfield had just made a killing on the London Stock Exchange in the last 24 hours.

Yesterday Mr. Renfield had bought a substantial portion of shares in the Atkinson Comfortable Cushion and Pillow Company when they were selling for £1 a share and had sold them today at £5 a share with the announcement that the company had just made a major sale of cushions to Zimbabwe 🇿🇼.

The Ethics Commissioner had been informed that Mr. Renfield might have benefitted from insider trading since Mr. Renfield (the former Chief of Security and Intelligence Gathering for Set Enterprises) lived in the same colossal West London mansion as world famous London dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes (the current Chief of Security and Intelligence Gathering for Set Enterprises).

Vowed the Ethics Commissioner, “I’ll get to the bottom of this.”

Meanwhile in Harare Zimbabwe, Mr. Mugabe was in no condition to get to the bottom of anything.

Instead he hugged his Mr. Bean style teddy bear and awaited the delivery of a 1001 comfortable cushions from Atkinson in London.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday November 22nd
2017.

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Who Is The Father? – Reflections On DNA and Free Will

November 20, 2017 at 8:34 pm (Crime, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

Who Is The Father? -Reflections On DNA and Free Will

The New Orleans Vampiress Angelique Dumont had gone to see her friend Amadeus Emanon.

She realized that Amadeus would probably be feeling stressed out today.

For Amadeus was not like other men.

He had been genetically created in a test tube from DNA from locks of hair belonging to composer Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, British actor Alan Rickman and California mass murderer Charles Manson.

Amadeus had emerged from the test tube as a fully grown adult back in late 2005.

He might have had the body of an adult but he still had the mind of a child.

And as he grew emotionally and psychologically, one of the greatest things he had struggled with was the fact that one of the DNA donors involved in his genetic creation had been the notorious killer Charles Manson.

And now that particular donor of DNA – Charles Manson – was now dead.

So Angelique figured that Amadeus would once again be struggling with the issue- would he be genetically destined to be another Charles Manson?

Angelique pointed out that physically in terms of his appearance, Amadeus looked like a young Alan Rickman.

As a concert pianist, he played the piano like the young child prodigy Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart.

“Amadeus, you’ve always been more interested in music than you have in murder,” Angelique told him, “it’s not only heredity that influences us but our environment as well. Manson was musically inclined having written a song for the Beach Boys but his thoughts gradually turned to murder rather than music, he turned to hate rather than love. He wanted to promote war between races rather than harmony among all humanity. You are the total opposite of that, Amadeus. You prefer music to murder and love to hate, one human race to any manifestation of racism. You are the opposite of Charles Manson, Amadeus. We decide to become who we are in life. Manson chose to become what he is- an angry murderer and failed musician who ends up dying in prison. You have become a loving joyful person and your musical talent grows with each passing day.”

“You mentioned environment?” Amadeus looked sad, “Look at my environment. I’m personal concert pianist to an ancient Egyptian vampire who killed and dismembered his own brother. My only friend other than you is Renfield R. Renfield a man who is the flesh and blood embodiment of television’s Raymond Red Reddington and as such the people Renfield bumps off may be assholes but Renfield is still a killer nevertheless.”

“Well the fact that you live in such an environment and yet choose to be the kind loving person that you are is testament to your strength of character, Amadeus,” Angelique said gently.

Amadeus sat silently considering what Angelique had just said.

Angelique added, “Consider the song Manson wrote and gave to Beach Boy Dennis Wilson. The title of the song that Manson wrote was Cease To Exist. Wilson turned that song into the Beach Boys’ Never Learn Not To Love. Manson’s original song and its title was like the life he lived- Cease To Exist. His life was nihilistic- he wanted to annihilate people. He ordered the deaths of people that ended in the killing of Sharon Tate and others. He wanted to bring about a race war- further death and destruction. It was all about death and annihilation for him- ceasing to exist. And now he has ceased to live- his last breath being that of prison air. Your life has been following a different course, Amadeus. Learning to love. Your life has been the embodiment of what Wilson did with Manson’s song when he changed the title and the lyrics- Never Learn Not To Love. The life Manson lived was the denial of existence. The life you’ve been living is the affirmation of love. Continue to live that life, Amadeus. For you are no Charles Manson. You are Amadeus Emanon.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday November 20th
2017.

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