Michelangelo’s Vision of Rick Santorum’s Wife Being Shot

March 26, 2018 at 10:21 pm (Commentary, Crime, Geopolitics and International Relations, News, Politics, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

Michelangelo’s Vision of Rick Santorum’s Wife Being Shot

Amadeus Emanon was in the Set Enterprises laboratory eating a dozen grilled cheese sandwiches and watching Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster who was in his aquarium playing with a waterproof Sherrielock Holmes leather skirted dominatrix Barbie doll.

Suddenly Michelangelo let out a penetrating screech which caused Amadeus to momentarily pause in the middle of eating one of his grilled cheese sandwiches 🥪.

Thirty seconds later Amadeus resumed eating as Michelangelo picked up a psychic vision from the future on his lobster antennae.

The vision was of British MP Renfield R. Renfield on his first political trip to America as a member of the British House of Commons.

Mr. Renfield was at a fancy cocktail 🍹 🍸 political reception in Washington DC.

Absent from the reception was Donald Trump because his hairpiece toupee had been stolen by a Kraken who had mistaken it for a fresh water nest of baby salmon eggs.

“Caviar is being served,” Lexington the White House valet announced.

Among the guests at the reception were former Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum and his wife Karen Garver Santorum.

Mrs. Santorum went up to the table where caviar was being served when she was confronted by a man waving a gun.

The man had been diagnosed with a dozen different mental illnesses by psychiatrists at one of the country’s leading medical centres last year.

Last week he had been re-elected the Membership Secretary of his local chapter of the NRA.

And this morning he had purchased a dozen different assault rifles from a local store including the one he now pointed directly at Mrs. Santorum.

The man pressed the trigger eight times in rapid succession.

As FBI agents ran to tackle the man, Renfield spoke sharply to the mentally inept American politician Sen. Rick Santorum, “Don’t stand there like an idiot. Go perform CPR on your wife.”

“But… but… but..” Sen. Santorum stammered, “I’ve never taken a CPR course in my entire life.”

“You’re as useless as tits on a bull aren’t you?” Renfield handed Sen. Santorum his glass of champagne, “Here hold this.”

Renfield ran over to Mrs. Santorum saying, “I have taken a course in CPR.”

Then he glared angrily back at Sen. Santorum, “Shows the truth of that old saying… Those who can, do. Those who can’t, pontificate endlessly on one of many subjects they know nothing whatsoever about.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday March 26th
2018.

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Michelangelo’s Vision of Moscow and Putin In The Future

March 11, 2018 at 10:31 pm (Espionage, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Espionage, International Intrigue, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , )

Michelangelo’s Vision of Moscow and Putin In The Future

Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster was asleep 💤 in his lobster tank at the Set Enterprises laboratories when suddenly his lobster antennae picked up a vision of Moscow and Vladimir Putin from the near future.

The re-elected Russian 🇷🇺 President had been given an invitation to an opening of a new exclusive men’s hairstyling salon 💇‍♂️ in Moscow where the hairstylists were all breathtakingly beautiful and young topless and short skirted Russian women.

Although the Russian President was quite bald and chose not to wear an orangish coloured red spider monkey fur toupee (unlike some world leaders), he decided to take advantage of the free haircut and shave.

He could always use a scalp massage and a shave.

Putin was given a thoroughly pleasing scalp massage by the young attractive female hairstylist who did a lot of bending over as she went to get more water from the sink and more hair massage cream from the lower drawers.

“Moscow always has such lovely views this time of year,” Putin remarked to the young blonde hairstylist.

“Indeed it does,” she smiled and winked at him, “Are you ready for your hot towel shave?”.

“Yes,” Putin smiled.

She then put the steaming hot towel on his face.

“Oh God, it burns, it burns!” Putin screamed.

Putin scrambled off the chair and on to the floor still screaming, “It burns. It burns.”

“I imagine it does,” a grinning Renfield R. Renfield MP from Britain’s Westminster Parliament stood in front of him.

Renfield was dressed in a James Bond style white tuxedo suit and sipping a martini 🍸- shaken not stirred.

“All these hairstylists are paid operatives for MI-6,” Renfield lit a cigarette with a gold cigarette lighter.

Amadeus came into the salon carrying a toy piano 🎹 and sat down at the piano and played the song As Time Goes By.

“You’re probably wondering to yourself,” Renfield blew cigarette smoke in Bogart style fashion into the air, “Why of all the hairstyling salons in all the world did that nasty Brit Renfield R. Renfield have to walk into this one?”.

“It burns, it burns,” Putin seemed to be singing a Russian Orthodox style litany of pain on the spot.

“Like I said this hairstyling salon is actually an MI-6 operation,” Renfield smiled, “and that burning sensation you’re still feeling from the steaming hot towel is probably caused by a smattering of VX nerve agent on the towel- the same substance that killed Kim Jong-nam (the half-brother of North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un) when two women attacked his face with towels at Kuala Lumpur International Airport on February 13th last year. But don’t worry the amount put on your towel isn’t enough to kill you. Just enough to give you the most delectable amount of pain until you do face your death.”

“How am I to die?” Asked Putin.

The topless short skirted hairstylists had meanwhile grabbed Putin and took off all his clothes and then forced him into a kneeling position with his bum stuck up in the air.

“Allow me to introduce you to Mr. Harvey Weinstein,” Renfield introduced the disgraced Hollywood producer who likewise was in the all together save for the pair of glasses 👓 he was wearing, “Mr. Weinstein was recently given a serum invented by Set Enterprises’ Dr. Cadbury Rocher. This serum turned him gay.”

A look of realization and horror entered Putin’s eyes.

“Well there you go, Harvey,” Renfield pointed to the Russian leader’s most inviting derrière, “go to it.”

Weinstein mounted Putin while Amadeus played the song Home On The Range on the piano followed by the theme music to the film Brokeback Mountain.

“Mr. Weinstein’s phallus has been laced with the same nerve agent used in the attack on Sergei Skripal and his daughter Yulia in Salisbury,” Renfield explained, “though somewhat modified by Dr. Cadbury Rocher. Mr. Weinstein’s phallus is not harmed by the substance that it is carrying. However the same cannot be said for your rear end. You shall die a most unique and excruciating 😖 death 💀.”

“How could you do this?” Putin had tears in his eyes as well as Weinstein’s phallus in his behind.

“I was authorized to do it by an emergency meeting of Cobra 🐍 by the British government this past March 10,” Renfield smiled, “though I was given full artistic control over the whole operation so I could give it my own Renfieldian artistic flourish.”

As Weinstein exploded in orgasm, Amadeus played She’ll Be Coming Round The Mountain ⛰ When She Comes on the piano.

“Salisbury, thou art avenged!” Putin shouted as he gave up the ghost 👻.

“I wonder if I can get a good Salisbury steak somewhere in Moscow,” asked Amadeus who was starting to feel hungry 😋.

Meanwhile Renfield was looking at one of the beautiful topless short skirted hairstylists and said to her, “Feodora, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday March 11th
2018.

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Greer Garson, Silvio Berlusconi, Renfield R. Renfield and The Green-Eyed Monster

March 5, 2018 at 11:40 pm (Arts, Culture, Entertainment, Film, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, Movies, Music, News, Politics, Songs, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Greer Garson, Silvio Berlusconi, Renfield R. Renfield and The Green-Eyed Monster

Renfield R. Renfield was watching the BBC Culture segment’s Film Critic Sir Laurence Camembert giving a commentary on television.

Said Camembert while eating a plate of cheddar cheese, “It was 75 years ago last night, that the Oscars for 1942 were presented, back in the days when movies were about real people and not comic book characters. Greer Garson’s acceptance speech for winning Best Actress for Mrs. Miniver was said to have lasted about 6 minutes but a little known aspect of the speech was she spent at least 5 minutes of it attacking Donald Trump.”

“Wow,” said Amadeus Emanon while eating a bowl of 6 dozen oysters, “do you suppose Greer Garson was in telepathic clairvoyant communication with our lobster Michelangelo?”.

“I think Sir Camembert was joking,” Renfield said wryly while drinking a rye whiskey 🥃.

“Oh,” said Amadeus and then asked, “what cheese do you think goes best with oysters? Camembert or cheddar?”.

“I suppose it all depends on one’s dairy 🥛 orientation,” Renfield commented as he read a brochure from the All-Inclusive Dairy Producers of Europe.

“I have to go to the bathroom,” Amadeus announced.

“Well, please don’t let me stop you,” said Renfield who had already got caught in a very peculiar shower on the way home from Parliament this afternoon.

As Amadeus marched off to the bathroom whistling the song “Rule Britannia, Britannia rules the waves…”, Renfield watched a story on BBC News about how former Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi was flashed by a topless woman protestor at a polling booth while voting in yesterday’s Italian parliamentary elections.

“Shit,” sighed Renfield, “I was never flashed by a beautiful topless woman protestor when I voted in last year’s British parliamentary elections. Some guys have all the luck.”

“I don’t recall having taken any Viagra today,” a shocked and somewhat surprised Amadeus shouted from the bathroom.

“Some guys do nothing but complain,” Renfield added.

Renfield walked out the door into the snow and the rain singing that old Rod Stewart song, “Some guys have all the luck… Some guys get all the breaks” but quickly switched over to the lyrics of the Glen Campbell song Rhinestone Cowboy, “And nice guys get washed away like the snow and the rain…” when a sudden flood of snow and rain hit Renfield and started carrying him away in the direction of the Thames River.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday March 5th
2018.

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Renfield Gives Convocation Address

February 18, 2018 at 11:52 pm (Comedy, Education, Humour, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , )

Renfield Gives Convocation Address

British MP Renfield R. Renfield had been invited to give a winter session graduation convocation Address at a small community college in London.

The topic he was given to speak on for the convocation Address was What Britain 🇬🇧 Needs To Consider For The Future.

Renfield approached the podium wearing sunglasses 😎 , a t-shirt with Bob Marley’s picture on it and a splendid Scottish kilt with a matching pair of plaid socks.

Tapping the microphone and saying “Ich ni sun chi… good… it appears to be working… what Britain needs to consider for the future…”

Renfield paused as he looked around the room.

He then began his address on What Britain Needs To Consider For The Future.

Said Renfield, “Have you ever wondered why the word terrier doesn’t rhyme with the word Perrier?…”

As his friend Amadeus Emanon remarked afterwards, “And that was the high point of the speech…”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday February 18th
2018.

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Would-Be Sultan Erdogan Meets Pope Francis

February 5, 2018 at 9:25 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Politics, Religion, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , )

Would-Be Sultan Erdogan Meets Pope Francis

Renfield R. Renfield MP arrived home at the London mansion of the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set after a long day in his parliamentary office where he had spent most of the day discussing world affairs with the ghost of Sir Winston Churchill over glasses of brandy (one in material liquid form and the other in spectral spirit form).

As Renfield walked through the door, Athelstan was busy dusting a Ming vase showing the 15th Century Chinese dominatrix Lily Ling (a distant ancestress of Sherrielock Holmes) wielding a whip across the buttocks of a Ming emperor.

Amadeus was on the piano playing the melody to Chopsticks with a pair of chopsticks.

“So,” Renfield growled as he walked through the door, “I was informed that the would-be Sultan of the proposed revived Ottoman Empire Recep Tayyip Erdogan had a private papal audience with Pope Francis at the Vatican in Rome today.”

“Well,” Athelstan quipped, “that means there was one more person that showed up than there were at a recent public papal audience in Saint Peter’s Square.”

“Yes,” Renfield remarked, “it’s amazing how defending a Chilean bishop who covered up for pedophile priests can drastically reduce one’s popularity.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday February 5th
2018.

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Renfield Speaks Out On America’s Proposed Mandatory National Biometric ID Program

January 29, 2018 at 9:24 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, International Intrigue, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Renfield Speaks Out On America’s Proposed Mandatory National Biometric ID Program

British MP Renfield R. Renfield stood up in the House of Commons and said, “I’ve been alerted by one of my friends (Renfield did not bother mentioning to his Parliamentary colleagues that friend was the ghost of the late Sir Winston Churchill who appeared to Renfield every time Renfield drank from his Churchillian bottle of brandy) about the dangers inherent in U.S. Congressional Bill HR 4760 – the Securing America’s Future Act of 2018 that was introduced in Congress this past January 10th by Rep. Bob Goodlatte (R-VA.).
When you read what’s in the bill, it might inspire one to stop ordering lattes the next time one enters a coffee ☕️ shop saying to oneself, “Lattes bad.”
This sweeping bill entails everything from Education and the workforce to Homeland Security to the military.
But tucked away in this 400-page behemoth of a bill are the details of a new Biometric National ID card that could soon be compulsory for everyone (with the exception of DACA recipients that have been granted a 3-year renewable legal status).
Not surprisingly, there is almost no coverage whatsoever of this legislation in the U.S. media.
H.R. 4760 establishes a mandatory National Identification system that requires all Americans to carry a government-approved ID containing Biometric features.
Without this card, according to the legislation, you will not be able to work in the United States of America.
To quote my friend Amadeus Emanon quoting the Book of Revelation Ch. 13 v.17, “And that no man might buy or sell, save he that had the mark, or the name of the beast, or the number of his name.”
This legislation has been drafted under the auspices of providing a legislative solution for the current beneficiaries of the Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals (DACA) program.
This bill has already gained 70 co-sponsors. As with most police state promoting legislation in the U.S., fear of illegal immigration is being pushed to garner such support.
Under this latest National ID scheme promoted by the statists in both parties (Democrat and Republican), you’ll be forced to carry around your National ID card. Without this ID, you won’t be able to legally hold a job or open a bank account or even board a plane.
And we shall see the USA 🇺🇸 turned into the USSA (Union of Soviet States of America).”

-Renfield R. Renfield
British House of Commons
Monday January 29th
2018.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday January 29th
2018.

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Renfield Sings The Liebestod From Tristan und Isolde

January 19, 2018 at 9:04 pm (Arts, Culture, Entertainment, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, Humour, Music, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Renfield Sings The Liebestod From Tristan und Isolde

Various Opposition parties in the British House of Commons were hoping to delay a vote on a portion of Stage One of the Brexit bill by arranging a filibuster this evening.

They agreed the person to deliver the filibuster would be newly elected British Transhumanist MP Renfield R. Renfield.

Renfield decided to filibuster the vote by singing a song from a German opera since he didn’t figure any British MP had ever done that before.

And this would be another way to get himself Sir Renfield R. Renfield MP into the history books.

Renfield went home to the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set’s colossal London mansion to pick up a musical score and lyric sheet from Amadeus Emanon, who being a concert pianist, had several.

“I decided to sing a song from a German opera to filibuster this bill,” Renfield announced to Amadeus as he went through the latter’s musical score and lyric sheets.

“But you don’t speak German,” Amadeus pointed out.

“True,” Renfield admitted, “but that doesn’t mean I can’t sing it.”

Renfield went through the musical score and lyric sheets.

“Hm, this sounds interesting,” Renfield picked out one, “the Liebestod from Richard Wagner’s 1859 opera Tristan und Isolde.”

Renfield had left before Amadeus could point out to the parliamentarian that the Liebestod was sung by a female lead in the opera being the climactic end of the opera as the heroine Isolde sings over the hero Tristan’s dead body.

Later as Amadeus Emanon watched the BBC Evening Late News that night, the announcer announced, “And now this just in… a group of armed men with machine guns has stormed into the public gallery of the House of Commons and fired their bullets down on the floor into the direction of an Opposition MP who was trying to filibuster against a procedural bill on government Brexit legislation by singing the Liebestod from Wagner’s Tristan und Isolde.
Apparently the armed men are not members of a terrorist group but members of the German Opera Lovers’ Association.
According to a report from the BBC Culture critic who is at the scene, “the bullets have unfortunately missed Mr. Renfield…”
And this just in from Berlin, the government of Chancellor Angela Merkel have just announced that they have officially disinvited Mr. Renfield from visiting Germany 🇩🇪 next month…

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday January 19th
2018.

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Sora Aoi: Renfield’s Heartbreak

January 15, 2018 at 9:28 pm (Culture, Entertainment, Film, History, Movies, News, Romance, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Sora Aoi: Renfield’s Heartbreak

The billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set sat in the chair of his living room and read a story in The Times of London about how millions of young Chinese males were heartbroken when they heard the news that Japanese porn star Sora Aoi was getting married.

“Can you imagine,” Set remarked to his butler and valet Athelstan who was busy dusting and polishing the furniture, “people becoming heartbroken over a porn star getting married?”.

“It positively boggles the mind, sir,” remarked Athelstan who polished the jar containing Donovan’s brain from the 1953 sci-fi film.

“What is this world coming to?” Set shrugged his shoulders.

“I was pondering the very same thing the other day, sir,” quipped Athelstan who had dropped a glass globe of the world the day before that had smashed into a thousand pieces.

“I think I shall retire to my library and read the works of Virgil in the original Latin,” Set put his paper down and headed upstairs.

“There’s nothing like Dido of Carthage killing herself on a burning funeral pyre to make one forget that a contemporary porn star is getting married, sir,” Athelstan discovered an unopened bag of marshmallows in the fireplace.

As Set entered the second floor of his mansion and walked down the hall, he thought he heard loud crying and sobbing coming from inside Renfield’s bedroom.

“Amadeus,” Set asked his personal concert pianist as he passed him in the hallway, “Is that Renfield I can hear crying through his bedroom door?”.

“Yes, boss,” Amadeus nodded, “Renfield’s been like that since this morning when he heard the news that Japanese porn star Sora Aoi is getting married.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday January 15th
2018.

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After The Golden Globes

January 8, 2018 at 8:25 pm (Celebrities, Culture, Entertainment, Film, Movies, Television, Vampire novel) (, , , )

After The Golden Globes

“So the Golden Globe Awards was last night,” Renfield remarked as he drank his tea and read The Times of London.

“Yes it was and I noticed that Harvey Weinstein wasn’t on the red carpet last night,” said the somewhat naive Amadeus.

“No,” Renfield glared exasperatingly at Amadeus, “I suppose Mr. Weinstein didn’t want television audiences to see what an overcircumcision performed on the red carpet looks like.”

“Overcircumcision?” Amadeus glanced quizzically at Renfield, “How does one become overcircumcised?”.

“I hope never to find out,” Renfield replied with great honesty.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday January 8th
2018.

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Renfield Receives A Knighthood

December 30, 2017 at 11:47 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Renfield Receives A Knighthood

The billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set looked somewhat perplexed as he sat in his chair in the living room of his colossal West London mansion and tried to read his copy of The Times of London.

For every time his former employee and current tenant the British MP Renfield R. Renfield entered the living room, Amadeus Emanon would play Sir Edward Elgar’s musical piece Land of Hope and Glory on the piano.

Finally exasperated beyond all point of vampiric endurance, Set asked his butler and valet Athelstan who was busy pouring tea, “Why is it that every time Renfield enters the room, Amadeus starts playing Sir Edward Elgar’s Land of Hope and Glory on the piano?”.

“Beg your pardon, sir,” Athelstan handed Set his cup of Earl Grey tea, “but Mr. Renfield requested that Amadeus do so.”

“Why in the name of God (who doesn’t exist),” Set added honey, sugar, lemon, milk and brain expanding nanites to his tea, “did Renfield make such a request?”.

“Because Mr. Renfield has been named to the Queen’s New Year’s Honours list,” Athelstan answered.

“What?” Set spewed out a mouthful of tea which was a good thing because the sight of a vampire’s head exploding is not a pretty thing to see.

“Yes, he’s been awarded a knighthood,” Athelstan calmly wiped up the tea stain with Miss Sherrielock Holmes’ Bavarian Wild Mushroom Cleaner Stain Remover.

“In heaven’s name (even though Heaven doesn’t exist),” Set spewed out the remainder of his tea out of his mouth, “why?”.

“Ostensibly for planning that British Brigade of Gurkhas raid on that ISIS Islamic State training camp in Libya back on June 6th of this year in which Renfield had the Gurkhas tie nails and explosives to the ISIS members’ tiny testicles and which Renfield then detonated simultaneously at the push of a button – a raid Renfield planned and executed in retaliation for the Manchester and London terrorist attacks,” Athelstan answered.

“Is there another reason Renfield might have been awarded the knighthood?” Set asked.

“He dove in and saved one of the Queen’s corgis from drowning in a swimming pool earlier this year,” Athelstan remarked.

“Good God,” Set went into another relapse of Judeo-Christian terminology, “Renfield is conceited enough as it is. Imagine what he’ll be like once we have to call him Sir Renfield.”

“The whole thing fills me with chills, sir,” Athelstan dumped the tea outside which was then drunk by a rat whose head exploded after doing so.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday December 30th
2017.

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