Wedding Crashers and The Third Temple

July 19, 2018 at 10:57 pm (Avatar Speaks, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , )

Wedding Crashers and The Third Temple

Peter Whitstable the Fox Mulder of Interpol was staying in an old English country inn on the hunt for two demonically possessed dogs who were busy terrorizing the English countryside.

He received a phone call from an Interpol operative in Israel 🇮🇱 who had an unusual matter of a paranormal nature to report.

He had seen a wedding being performed on top of the Temple Mount in Jerusalem.

The officiating clergyman at the wedding was recently installed Vatican Cardinal Samhain Salaman (a former professional stage magician).

The groom was Baphomet (the hermaphrodite half-human half-goat entity who was worshiped by some Knights-Templar back in the Middle Ages).

The bride was Panty Goatee the recently genetically cloned twin sister of world famous DARPA contract assassin and satyr serial killer Pan Goatee.

Panty was topless at the wedding but wearing a black scarf around her shoulders that covered both her breasts as well as black leather gloves on her arms and a long red skirt instead of a white wedding dress.

On her head instead of a white bridal veil, she wore a pair of large painted black goat’s horns.

The virginal young clone Panty Goatee had been ordered to marry the Baphomet by Dr. Faustus Imhotep her boss at DARPA.

At the moment when Cardinal Samhain Salaman asked Panty Goatee, “Do you take this hermaphrodite half-man half-goat to be your legal wedded spouse from this night forward…?”.

At that moment a Black Jaguar leapt on the Temple Mount interrupting the ceremony by snarling in a form of ancient Mayan.

Cardinal Salaman felt under his cassock and pulled out a smart phone (much to best man Dr. Faustus Imhotep’s relief).

He then googled for an ancient Mayan language translation app to download but, by then, it was too late.

The Black Jaguar stood up on his hind legs and then grabbed the black scarf, black leather gloves and long red skirt wearing Panty Goatee with his front legs and then carried her off into the night of the Jerusalem dusk.

A shooting star 🌠 fell from the sky over Jerusalem.

. . .

Former U.S. President Bill Clinton was having trouble sleeping.

He decided to go downstairs to the refrigerator and pour himself a glass of milk 🥛.

As he tip toed down the stairs, he noticed his wife Hillary Rodham Clinton (the 2016 Democratic Party Presidential candidate) standing in the dimly lit living room by a black coloured burning candle and dressed in the robes of a Haitian voodoo high priestess. A group of 13 men in gray and black coloured suits, ties and jackets were kneeling on the floor in front of her paying her obeisance.

Bill very stealthily tip toed into the kitchen, quietly opened the refrigerator door and instead of a glass of milk he grabbed himself a can of Budweiser beer and equally stealthily tip toed back upstairs and into his bedroom where he quietly closed the door.

As quietly as possible, he tried to open the can, then put the beer to his lips and wondered what the Hell was going on?

. . .

Amadeus Emanon heard the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set’s antique phone ring in the kitchen of the colossal West London mansion.

He picked it up.

It was his good friend British MP Renfield R. Renfield calling.

Renfield was still up in Oxford.

“I’ll be in Oxford a few more days,” Renfield said as he splashed around in a hot tub with several hot looking young female Oxford summer student coeds.

“Say, I was going to ask you, why the Hell do you suppose Donald Trump invited Vladimir Putin to Washington DC this fall?” Amadeus queried.

“Well,” Renfield smiled as one of the coeds licked his kosher sausage, “the man is either fully clinically insane or if there’s method to his madness, the Jared Kushner Middle East peace plan is definitely a go and Trump would most definitely need Vladimir Putin’s backing for the plan to go ahead.”

Amadeus watched on the kitchen television as Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu officially declared Israel “the nation-state of the Jewish people” after winning a vote to do so in the Israeli Knesset.

“What do you think is going to happen next in the Middle East?” Amadeus asked.

“Well,” Renfield watched the Netanyahu announcement on the BBC News App on the Samsung Galaxy S8 smart phone located in the bikini between one coed’s two breasts, “we’ve got the U.S. Embassy now in Jerusalem, we have just had Netanyahu proclaim Israel the Nation-State (it was just State before) of the Jewish people and next on the agenda I suspect is the building of the Third Jewish Temple on the Temple Mount.”

“But won’t the Arabs object to that?” Amadeus was incredulous.

“Not necessarily,” Renfield remarked as a text message from Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman came in on his smart phone.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday July 19th
2018.

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The 100th Anniversary of The Execution of The Romanov Russian Imperial Family By The Bolsheviks

July 17, 2018 at 10:01 pm (Biographical, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, News, Obituaries, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , )

The 100th Anniversary of The Execution of The Romanov Russian Imperial Family By The Bolsheviks

1 AM on July 17th 1918 in a fortified mansion in the town of Ekaterinburg in the Ural Mountains, the Tsar Nicholas II, his wife the Tsarina Alexandra, their 4 daughters the Grand Duchesses Olga, Tatiana, Maria and Anastasia, and their son the Tsarevich Alexis were slaughtered by a Bolshevik firing squad.

The order to kill the entire Imperial Family had undoubtedly come down from Lenin himself.

But wisely he never officially wrote it down on paper.

. . .

Vladimir Putin poured himself tea from the samovar.

He then added lemon and honey- the Russian way of having tea- and… handling diplomacy.

To Putin, it was just a day like any other.

Nothing notable.

. . .

British MP Renfield R. Renfield remarked to his friend Amadeus Emanon, “So the ghost of Sir Winston Churchill and I were discussing what should be done with Russia 🇷🇺 once I finally succeed in bumping off their strongman leader. We both agreed Russia should become a constitutional monarchy with the heir to the Romanov throne restored.”

“So I suppose you’re headed to Parliament to vote yes on the non-confidence motion to bring down Theresa May’s government over Brexit,” Amadeus said as he munched tea and crumpets.

“As a matter of fact, I’m not,” Renfield replied, “I’m off to Oxford University today.”

Renfield smiled as he tied his tie and walked out the door.

Amadeus sat frozen in position the next 5 minutes with the piece of crumpet only a millimetre from his mouth.

Finally he put the crumpet down and looked at the front door of the Set mansion in a state of shock.

Renfield had been yacking the past few days about the fact that if Theresa May’s government was defeated, Her Majesty the Queen might name him Prime Minister as the head of a National Unity coalition government.

So why then was Renfield skipping the non-confidence vote on May’s government (when every single MP vote counted) and heading off to Oxford instead?

“What,” Amadeus wondered to himself, “was so important about being at Oxford today?”.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday July 17th
2018.

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Pan Goatee’s Bowel Movement and Lobster Flambé

July 16, 2018 at 10:59 pm (Aesthetics, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

Pan Goatee’s Bowel Movement and Lobster Flambé

Satyr serial killer Pan Goatee hurriedly walked into the restaurant not to have something to eat but to have a bowel movement.

He was in desperate need of a bowel movement.

A bowel movement no doubt brought on by the dozen plates of curried goats’ legs he had ordered and eaten at Dr. Hannibal Lecter’s Curried Goats’ Legs For Satyrs Concession Stand in the park.

He hurriedly walked into the men’s washroom of the restaurant.

“Oh shit!” Goatee exclaimed.

But he was unable to do that.

For the sole cubicle in the washroom was occupied.

Pan Goatee did the Hyperion Tomatoed Bottom Dance with both his legs as he waited for the asshole in the cubicle to hurry up and have his bowel movement.

But the asshole in the washroom cubicle was taking his sweet smelly time.

Goatee could wait no longer.

He ran outside the washroom.

He noticed a long line up by the pop machine as customers were complaining as the woman at the front of the line was taking her sweet time filling up all 24 large cups she had with her.

“Someone should really do something,” an elderly man cried as he keeled over from heat exhaustion and thirst on this sizzling hot summer day.

“It’s all right, folks,” Pan Goatee went to the front of the line and beheaded the woman with his astral laser machete.

He then ran back to the men’s washroom.

“Oh shit!” Pan Goatee exclaimed again.

The asshole was still in there.

“How many bowel movements can one total asshole have?” Goatee complained and went out again and sat on a seat crossing his legs waiting for the asshole to finally emerge.

After what seemed like an eternity (and Pope Francis says there’s no such thing as Hell), the asshole finally emerged.

Goatee noticed no one else had gone into the washroom and stood up to hurry in.

Suddenly a fat ugly blimp at that moment came out of the women’s washroom and waddled down the small passageway between the dining area and the washrooms immediately visually assaulting Pan Goatee’s eyesight and profound sense of aesthetics.

“Aww, shit!” Pan Goatee exclaimed as he beheaded the fat ugly blimp.

And proceeded to do just that.

He pulled down the Bermuda shorts he was wearing and shit all over the blimp’s decapitated head and headless body.

He then jumped through the restaurant window breaking it and chased down the asshole who had taken so long in the cubicle of the men’s washroom.

“You asshole,” Goatee shouted at the man, “thanks to you taking so long to have a fucking bowel movement, my eyes were forced to endure the sight of a fat ugly blimp exiting the women’s washroom. You inconsiderate low class proletarian slob! Other people have to have bowel movements too you know.”

Goatee immediately decapitated the man and proceeded to cut him up into a million pieces.

Goatee could feel more of Hannibal Lecter’s curried goats’ legs for satyrs coming out so he once again pulled down his Bermuda shorts and shit all over the inconsiderate asshole’s remains.

“I’ll have a lamb burger please,” a man at the restaurant drive-through spoke into the intercom as a copy of Thomas Harris’ novel The Silence of The Lambs lay on the car seat alongside him.

. . .

Two men were meeting in Helsinki, Finland 🇫🇮.

One was a partially bald headed man with the intense glare of a Siberian wolf to quote a great poet.

The other was a man wearing a toupee that was the colour of fur of a Welsh corgi to quote the same great poet.

The Welsh corgi coloured hair man was down on his knees in a doggy position as the partially bald headed man with the Siberian wolf stare sodomized him in his naked rear end.

“Thanks for the memories,” said the man in the lower position, “I hope you won’t be offended if I don’t tweet about this.”

“Nyet,” replied the man in the upper position.

. . .

Finnish President Sauli Niinisto was informed by the head of his country’s security services that a lobster dressed in a Japanese ninja mask and whose lobster claws contained a lethal dose of the most deadly of scorpion poisons had been intercepted at Finnish Customs in Helsinki in the possession of two British citizens.

. . .

“How was I to know that a Japanese-Finnish lobster trade war was currently underway?” British MP Renfield R. Renfield complained to his friend Amadeus Emanon as his plan to bump off two men in Helsinki was nipped in the bud thanks to the vigilance of Finnish Customs.

The two London private eyes that Renfield had hired and the Dr. Cadbury Rocher genetically created Japanese Ninja lobster assassin Shinigami were currently being held in custody in Helsinki awaiting the payment of the equivalent of the 6000% tariffs that Finland 🇫🇮 had applied to Japanese lobsters in the heated trade war between the two nations over the Maritime product.

. . .

Hades the Greek god of the underworld was sitting in his lavishly decorated banquet hall in Earth’s lower regions enjoying a lobster Flambé of Japanese lobsters.

He was celebrating the departure of the spirit of Julius Caesar from Purgatory (that he had granted without papal dispensation from Pope Francis).

Great Caesar’s ghost had been giving the Emperor Napoleon Bonaparte’s ghost Latin lessons while Napoleon in turn had been giving Caesar French lessons.

The long drawn out lessons had bored Hades’ 3-headed dog Cerberus to sleep allowing several souls to escape from the underworld.

Finally Hades decided to let Caesar’s ghost wander up on the earth’s surface for awhile.

Caesar’s ghost decided to enter a marble statue of himself located inside a Rome museum of antiquities.

After entering the statue, the first thing Caesar thought he would do is have a drink as he had not had a drink in over 2000 years.

It was then that Caesar discovered that he had chosen the wrong statue of himself to enter.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday July 16th
2018.

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Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez: The Beginning of Donald Trump’s Downfall?

June 29, 2018 at 11:50 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , )

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez: The Beginning of Donald Trump’s Downfall?

British MP Renfield R. Renfield sat riveted to the TV as he watched New York’s 14th Congressional District Democratic Primary winner Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez appear on The Late Show With Stephen Colbert.

This past Tuesday June 26th 2018, Miss Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez had defeated 10 term Democratic Congressman and the district’s incumbent the House of Representatives Democratic Caucus Chair Joseph Crowley in the biggest upset victory in the 2018 U.S. Mid-Term election.

She defeated Mr. Crowley by a margin of 57% to 42%.

The district (which is made up of Queens and the Bronx) if it decides to elect Miss Ocasio-Cortez next November will be sending to Washington the youngest Congresswoman in U.S. history (she is only 28).

Renfield sighed as he saw her appear on The Late Show With Stephen Colbert.

“I imagine,” Renfield said as he looked at her with the intensity of Romeo when he first saw Juliet, “that if Donald Trump ever tweets about her, he’ll have a hard on as he’s doing so.”

Amadeus Emanon who was about to eat a baby carrot 🥕 from his salad 🥗 put it down after Renfield made this remark.

“Well,” Amadeus winced, “I don’t often lose my appetite but your comment about Donald Trump having a hard on while he’s tweeting and twittering managed to do just that.”

“Sorry,” Renfield apologized.

He knew how much his friend loved food.

“It’s all right,” Amadeus said, “Angelique has been telling me for quite a while now that I should really lose weight.”

The New Orleans songstress and vampiress Angelique Dumont was Amadeus’ girlfriend.

“She may have something there,” Renfield remarked as he had discovered this morning that this was the 29th time in 29 days of June that the bathroom weigh scale had been broken.

“What’s different about Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez from her defeated Establishment opponent Rep. Joseph Crowley?” Amadeus asked.

“Well for one thing she’s a democratic socialist,” Renfield helped himself to some Swedish meatballs since Amadeus didn’t seem to be eating them at the moment.

“Isn’t that what the British Labour Party is?” Amadeus thought of Jeremy Corbyn.

“They are,” Renfield now ate some of Amadeus’ black pudding and poached eggs.

“And the New Democratic Party in Canada?” Amadeus queried.

“That’s right,” Renfield now started working on Amadeus’ maple syrup smothered pancakes 🥞 , “although Dracul Van Helsing’s father told him that quite a number of hard line Marxists, Leninists and Trotskyites did enter the party when the old farmer based CCF (Co-operative Commonwealth Federation) merged with the Ontario based CLC (Canadian Labour Congress) to form the NDP (New Democratic Party) back in 1961.”

“Wasn’t Dracul Van Helsing’s father the Provincial Co-ordinator of the Alberta CCF back in the 1950s?” Amadeus asked.

“He was,” Renfield started eating numerous strips of bacon 🥓 off Amadeus’ oversized plate.

“What else does Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez stand for?” Amadeus watched Renfield eating what had been his combined breakfast, lunch and dinner plate.

“She supports nationally publicly funded healthcare accessible to all,” Renfield proceeded to eat himself towards a major heart attack and cardiac arrest in the next 5 minutes.

“But we’ve got that in Britain 🇬🇧,” Amadeus pointed out.

“And in most countries of Western Europe and the British Commonwealth including Canada,” Renfield ate Amadeus’ steak and kidney pie 🥧.

“Anything else she stands for?” Amadeus was debating with himself if he should start feeling hungry again.

“Free tuition at public colleges, universities and trade schools,” Renfield devoured the cream cheese and cucumber sandwiches.

“Dracul Van Helsing supports that doesn’t he?” Amadeus asked.

“Yes,” Renfield helped himself to the ketchup smothered macaroni and cheese, “he points out that’s what made Ireland 🇮🇪 the Celtic Tiger economy of the 1990s. Having a vast highly educated young work force as a result of providing free tuition at publicly funded universities and trade schools caused many companies to set up shop in Ireland so they could employ this brilliant young work force crackling with ideas and high productivity.”

“Did they ever try that in Canada?” Amadeus watched the last of the dozen maple syrup covered pancakes 🥞 disappear.

“John Manley the man that Dracul Van Helsing supported for the leadership of the Canadian Federal Liberal Party back in 2003 advocated the idea,” Renfield lumberjacked his way through the Bavarian Black Forest cake, “but unfortunately for Mr. Manley, another leadership candidate called Paul Martin had already sown up over 50% of the delegates even before the leadership convention was called so Manley didn’t even bother running.”

“So this Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez who could probably easily be elected Prime Minister of Canada is considered a radical in American politics while Herr Hitler Lite (as opposed to Miller Lite or Coors Lite) aka Donald Trump is considered the great American patriot by the Tea Party which has now become the mainstream of the Republican Party,” Amadeus saw his German apple strudel disappear under the dinner fork 🍴like wand of Renfield the Magician.

“Yes,” Renfield washed his huge meal down with a one litre bottle of brandy.

Amadeus sighed as the Good Plate Amadeus had gone the way of Renfield.

Renfield rewound the video of Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s interview on The Late Show With Stephen Colbert.

He watched enthusiastically again.

He then stood up.

He walked over to the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set’s antique phone in the kitchen.

“I’m going to see if I can get this Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s phone number and offer her some political advice,” Renfield explained as he dialled the number.

“More likely you’re going to try to ask her for a date,” Amadeus sighed.

“Well that too,” Renfield grinned.

“Say,” Amadeus suddenly noticed that Renfield had left him one piece of dessert and also noticed something else, “what’s that huge bulge in the middle of your tight British tweed trousers?”.

“Well,” Renfield’s face started turning red.

“Never mind it just occurred to me,” Amadeus laid aside the giant banana 🍌 that he was about to eat but he had suddenly lost his appetite again.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday June 29th
2018.

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Miranda- Mermaid Turned Human

June 25, 2018 at 10:25 pm (Avatar Speaks, Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, Romance, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Miranda- Mermaid Turned Human

The Controller of The Golem was deep in thought.

Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan had won both yesterday’s Presidential and Parliamentary elections.

Now Erdogan would head an Executive Presidency with virtually no limits on his powers (much like Xi Jinping recently achieved in the People’s Republic of China 🇨🇳 and Donald Trump hoped that someday, His Divine Self willing, would be able to achieve in the United States of America 🇺🇸).

What this meant for the future was that someday the entire Middle East might be under the rule of a revived Ottoman Empire with Erdogan as the omnipotent Sultan of Constantinople and Caliph of the Global Islamic Caliphate.

“It doesn’t bode too well for Central and Eastern Europe either,” remarked Prince Vlad Dracula of the situation where the nations of Central and Eastern Europe had been ruled by the Turks for centuries.

“If only General Belisarius were alive today to kick Erdogan’s ass,” the Byzantine vampiress Theodora remarked about her late husband Justinian’s general who reconquered much of the Western Roman Empire for Byzantine Constantinople.

“What will this portend for the future?” The Controller whose real first name was Nathan sighed.

The trio who were standing in a public park in Istanbul suddenly heard a soft feminine voice say, “It portends danger.”

The trio turned to look at the voice and this vision greeted them:

The Controller of The Golem recognized her as Miranda the mermaid.

Only now she had become human.

The reason being that Miranda had recently swum down the Thames River towards the Set Enterprises laboratory at Canary Wharf.

There she sang for Dr. Cadbury Rocher to come out to her.

Attracted by the lovely singing voice, Dr. Cadbury Rocher came out to see who it was.

Amadeus Emanon and Renfield R. Renfield followed.

Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster likewise crawled out of his aquarium and outside to see who the lovely siren was with the voice of a nightingale singing at Canary Wharf.

Miranda asked Dr. Rocher to invent for her a potion which when she drank it would turn her temporarily fully human.

Dr. Rocher went inside his laboratory and came back half an hour later with the potion.

Just in time to stop Miranda from strangling Renfield with her fish tail as the British MP was serenading her with his own paraphrased version of those old Crystal Gayle lyrics, “… when I dream, I dream of you, maybe someday my dreams will come true”.

Miranda drank the potion and turned human much to Renfield’s relief and much to Michelangelo’s disappointment (as he covered his lobster ears with his claws and telepathically hummed the song It’s A Long Way To Tipperary to drown out the sound of Renfield’s singing).

“What is happening, Miranda?” Nathan asked his mermaid turned human friend.

“Atargatis has landed on the beaches of Tel Aviv with her harpoon carrying mermaid warrioresses ready to launch an all out assault on the land of Israel 🇮🇱,” said Miranda.

Meanwhile on the beaches of Tel Aviv, the ghost of Orson Welles stood in the sand and directed a ghostly film crew of ghostly cameramen and ghostly technicians to film the invasion.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday June 25th
2018.

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Michelangelo’s Dream of The Holy Family In Egypt

June 18, 2018 at 10:52 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

Michelangelo’s Dream of The Holy Family In Egypt

Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster was fast asleep 💤 on his waterproof pillow in his aquarium at the Set Enterprises laboratory.

He was dreaming about Egypt some two millennia ago.

Egypt was ruled by a Pharaoh who had a toupee hair piece made out of red spider monkey fur.

The colour of the toupee was a vomit 🤮 inducing to look upon urine coloured golden yellow that looked extremely grotesquely unnatural.

Even Pharaoh’s daughter the Princess Ananka Ivanka had commented on the grotesque appearance of her father’s hair.

The Pharaoh’s name was Donaldramses Twitterakhten (German Egyptologists pronounced the last two syllables of his last name achtung).

Donaldramses Twitterakten built huge monuments to himself that would have made Percy Shelley’s Ozymandias look like the epitome of humility.

One of the things he intended to build was a huge wall on Egypt’s border with Palestine to keep out illegal immigrants.

God knows these people created huge problems for previous Pharaohs resulting in one drowning in the Red Sea as a result of some Hebrew tribal god imagining that he was actually the Creator of the Universe.

After all any sensible person would realize that there was no way any god could be superior to he himself the Divine-God Pharaoh Donaldramses Twitterakhten.

And why were these Jews fleeing Judea anyways Pharaoh Donaldramses Twitterakhten thought to himself.

Their ruler King Herod was such a splendid chap.

Donaldramses Twitterakhten himself had proclaimed what a splendid fellow this King Herod was when he met with him in a peace summit on the Isle of Rhodes.

And surely that summit would allow him to win this year’s Pericles Peace Prize.

Pharaoh already had his soldiers on the border to keep out those nasty Jewish refugees.

Families were stopped at the border and separated.

The parents were arrested for illegal entry into Egypt.

They were put into cages.

The children (separated from their parents) were likewise put into cages.

Into this scene the Holy Family of Jesus, Mary and Joseph emerged against the backdrop of the Pyramids.

Somehow they managed to avoid Pharaoh’s soldiers on the border.

Michelangelo recognized Joseph walking in sandals (alongside the Virgin Mary holding the infant Jesus in her arms as she rode a donkey) from a picture on a waterproof Christmas card that Amadeus Emanon had given him this past Christmas.

Before Michelangelo could say Jack Robinson, Pharaoh’s soldiers descended on the Holy Family and surrounded them with spears.

The baby Jesus was separated from Mary and Joseph and put into a cage.

Meanwhile in Alexandria, Pharaoh Donaldramses Twitterakhten received a standing ovation from his most religiously inclined supporters at a Let’s Make Egypt Great Again rally.

Pharaoh’s wife as soon as she heard about the policy of separating children from their parents and putting them in cages publicly voiced displeasure with her husband’s policy.

Pharaoh displeased asked members of his bodyguard to find a way to “accidentally” throw his wife into a pit of poisonous snakes.

There was no way his wife was going to make an asp out of him.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday June 18th
2018.

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Renfield and Amadeus Discuss The Singapore Summit

June 12, 2018 at 10:08 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Renfield and Amadeus Discuss The Singapore Summit

British MP Renfield R. Renfield was having lunch with his close friend Amadeus Emanon the personal concert pianist to the London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set.

Renfield was having half a dozen tuna fish sandwiches and Amadeus was enjoying a 12-course Chinese combination dinner from Lydo’s Chinese Food.

He liked the catchy jingle on their commercials, “426-5050, if you’re hungry 😋, call the Lydo now. Freeee delivereee!”.

And then the sexy Chinese vampiress Meiling Manchu at the end of the commercial, “Don’t forget to dial the local area code first before the number.”

She then smiled before biting into a sumptuous egg roll with her vampiric incisor fangs.


Meiling Manchu hides her vampiric incisor fangs with her arm.

“So, what did you think of the Singapore Summit meeting between Donald Trump and Kim Jong-un?” Amadeus asked as he bit into a sweet and sour sparerib and wondered why Porky 🐷 Pig had a spare rib but Adam in the Garden of Eden didn’t.

“Kim Jong-un came out on top,” Renfield spoke as if he was giving an English language voice over to a Japanese porno film.

“You really think so?” Amadeus started to dig into the beef chop suey with his chop sticks.

“I do,” Renfield belched over his 2nd glass of bourbon 🥃 .

“What makes you think so?” Amadeus polished off the Chicken Fried Rice and moved in on the Egg Foo Yong.

“All Kim Jong-un did was just promise to give up his nuclear weapons,” Renfield inhaled a piece of tuna as if it were crack cocaine, “and you know what the singers Simon and Garfunkel said about promises in their song The Boxer?”.

“All lies and jest, still a man hears what he wants to hear and disregards the rest,” Amadeus laid aside the pamphlet entitled Overeating Is The Primary Cause of Obesity.

“Exactly,” Renfield poured two more glasses of bourbon 🥃 for himself, “while Trump has gone and openly cancelled the military war games that the U.S. holds with South Korea each year which so pissed off the North, Kim has given very little in return. So it’s a win-win situation for Kim while it’s a Tweet and Brag situation for Trump.”

“What transpired at the summit that led to this?” Amadeus ate a bowl of lychee nuts for dessert.

“Well my spies in Singapore tell me that a beautiful North Korean woman was called upon to make a major sacrifice for her country and give the pompous toupee wearing blowhard Trump a blow job in order that he’d agree to Kim Jong-un’s demands,” Renfield replied.

“How awful,” Amadeus Emanon blew his nose sympathetically for the poor woman.

Meanwhile in his laboratory aquarium at Set Enterprises, Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster had a vision of two classical Roman style busts on display in the British Museum in the near future.

One was a bust of Julius Caesar that bore the inscription, “I came, I saw, I conquered.”

The other was a bust of Donald Trump that said, “I saw, I came, I capitulated.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday June 12th
2018.

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Reblog of An Evening At The Mermaid Art Exhibit

April 30, 2018 at 10:39 pm (Aesthetics, Art, Arts, Culture, Fantasy, Folklore, Humour, Mythology, painting, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

A vampire novel chapter I wrote over a year ago about an evening at the mermaid art exhibit which turned out to be as riotous as the Marx Brothers’ night at the opera:

Dracul Van Helsing

“Ladies and gentlemen,” Sir Nigel Blake-Lenin the curator of the Dashwood Forrest Art Gallery announced to those gathered at the Mermaid Art Exhibit’s opening night, “regrettably the artist Miss Charmaine Olivia will not be able to be with us this evening…”

The crowd moaned and groaned their disappointment.

“Yes,” Sir Nigel Blake-Lenin sighed in sympathy, “Miss Olivia ate some rather bad tuna fish sandwiches earlier this evening that she had thought had come from the Exhibit caterers but they turned out to have been brought in by a mysterious third party…”

“So she’s the one who ate all my tuna fish sandwiches that I had brought with me tonight,” Renfield seethed to Amadeus.

“Then you might have been the one who came down with food poisoning,” Amadeus pointed out.

“I guess every cloud has a silver lining,” Renfield grinned.

A dark cloud appeared over the gallery and an American silver…

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Reblog-Renfield’s Research On Sherrielock Holmes

April 22, 2018 at 8:06 pm (Avatar Speaks, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, Humour, International Intrigue, Mystery, News, Religion, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Seeing as how yesterday April 21st 2018 was the 100th Anniversary of the death of the Red Baron Manfred von Richthofen, I thought I would re-post this vampire novel chapter I wrote almost 3 years ago which deals with the background of the immortal leather skirted dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes (who was Sherlock Holmes’ twin sister), her late husband Dr. Louis Rocher (who was shot down and killed by the Red Baron just the day before the Red Baron himself was shot down and killed) and the demise of the Red Baron himself.

Dracul Van Helsing

Renfield’s Research On Sherrielock Holmes

Amadeus and Renfield were sitting in their favourite Fish and Chips shop in London.

Renfield was having the Deluxe Grilled Cheese and Tuna Fish Sandwich Special.

Amadeus was having the All You Can Eat Fish n’ Chips Special.

He was now on his 11th plate of fish and chips.

“I’ve noticed that for some reason I’m not able to fit into any of the clothes that people bought me as presents last Christmas,” Amadeus said as he bit into his monster piece of cod.

“I wonder why that is,” Renfield bit into his sandwich.

“I have no idea,” Amadeus ordered his 12th plate of fish and chips.

“Anyways I’ve been doing some research on Sherrielock Holmes,” Renfield sipped his Magic Mushroom and Marshmallow Laced Chocolate Latte.

“Your personal dominatrix?” Amadeus spoke in a loud voice.

“Shhh, quiet, not so loud,” Renfield whispered to Amadeus.

The…

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Michelangelo’s Vision of Rick Santorum’s Wife Being Shot

March 26, 2018 at 10:21 pm (Commentary, Crime, Geopolitics and International Relations, News, Politics, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

Michelangelo’s Vision of Rick Santorum’s Wife Being Shot

Amadeus Emanon was in the Set Enterprises laboratory eating a dozen grilled cheese sandwiches and watching Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster who was in his aquarium playing with a waterproof Sherrielock Holmes leather skirted dominatrix Barbie doll.

Suddenly Michelangelo let out a penetrating screech which caused Amadeus to momentarily pause in the middle of eating one of his grilled cheese sandwiches 🥪.

Thirty seconds later Amadeus resumed eating as Michelangelo picked up a psychic vision from the future on his lobster antennae.

The vision was of British MP Renfield R. Renfield on his first political trip to America as a member of the British House of Commons.

Mr. Renfield was at a fancy cocktail 🍹 🍸 political reception in Washington DC.

Absent from the reception was Donald Trump because his hairpiece toupee had been stolen by a Kraken who had mistaken it for a fresh water nest of baby salmon eggs.

“Caviar is being served,” Lexington the White House valet announced.

Among the guests at the reception were former Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum and his wife Karen Garver Santorum.

Mrs. Santorum went up to the table where caviar was being served when she was confronted by a man waving a gun.

The man had been diagnosed with a dozen different mental illnesses by psychiatrists at one of the country’s leading medical centres last year.

Last week he had been re-elected the Membership Secretary of his local chapter of the NRA.

And this morning he had purchased a dozen different assault rifles from a local store including the one he now pointed directly at Mrs. Santorum.

The man pressed the trigger eight times in rapid succession.

As FBI agents ran to tackle the man, Renfield spoke sharply to the mentally inept American politician Sen. Rick Santorum, “Don’t stand there like an idiot. Go perform CPR on your wife.”

“But… but… but..” Sen. Santorum stammered, “I’ve never taken a CPR course in my entire life.”

“You’re as useless as tits on a bull aren’t you?” Renfield handed Sen. Santorum his glass of champagne, “Here hold this.”

Renfield ran over to Mrs. Santorum saying, “I have taken a course in CPR.”

Then he glared angrily back at Sen. Santorum, “Shows the truth of that old saying… Those who can, do. Those who can’t, pontificate endlessly on one of many subjects they know nothing whatsoever about.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday March 26th
2018.

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