Pan Goatee Slays Heavy Drinking Uglo While Hades and Poseidon Hold Summit

June 28, 2020 at 10:30 pm (Aesthetics, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Pan Goatee was sickened by the sight of some repulsively ugly looking creature entering a liquor store.

“I guess if I was as ugly looking as you are, I’d be driven to drink as well,” the satyr commented as he lopped the uglo’s head off with his astral laser machete.

He then cut up the said uglo into 999 quintillion pieces with his machete as he addressed the approaching blind folded and covid mask wearing rats and approaching blind folded and covid mask wearing nanites who’d be eating the remains of the uglo and then vomiting them up on the banks of the River Styx for transport to Tartarus, “With the Covid refusing to die down like a good virus, the United Nations’ Communist Secretary-General Antonio Guterres saying he hopes a global Marxist government can be quickly established as the “new normal” in a post-pandemic world and Neo-Bolshevik insurrectionists establishing a neo-Jacobin French Revolutionary style Reign of Terror in the U.S., you’re not helping matters aesthetically polluting Gaia by wandering around with your ugly looking faces ruining the days of sensible people everywhere but of course not the days of stupid people (of which there seems to be an overabundance in the Western world). Dickens said of the years of the original Reign of Terror, “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times”. But thanks to the repulsive pathetically ugly ugliness of uglos such as yourself, we’ve only got the “worst of times’ in this second Reign of Terror.”

Meanwhile down in the Underworld, Hades the Greek god of the underworld was holding a summit meeting with Poseidon the Greek god of the Ocean.

“The Underworld seems to be inundated with a lot of uglos these days because of that troublesome satyr Pan Goatee,” Hades complained to Poseidon.

“I don’t think you can blame Pan Goatee,” Poseidon came to the defense of the satyr, “you have to blame the Western world for somehow having an overabundance of ugly females. Our brother Zeus says he no longer visits Canada and the U.S.A. anymore when he’s feeling raunchy. It just invokes nausea in him.”

“Turning to another matter, I granted the ghost of General Andrew Jackson a dispensational release from Purgatory so he can go fight the Neo-Bolshevik insurgents that are trying to take over the U.S.,” Hades lit himself a cigar.

“Jackson heard about that?” Poseidon ate a scallop.

“Yes, news reached him about the Neo-Bolshevik insurgents trying to tear his statue down in the vicinity of the White House a few days ago so now he wants to go fight them,” Hades explained.

“And why did you agree to his request?” Poseidon asked.

“Because he provides me with such good cigars,” Hades blew smoke rings, “although I think he gets them from the ghost of his wife who was apparently quite the cigar connoisseur in her mortal life.”

“What’s the latest with the Neo-Bolshevik insurrection in the U.S. anyways?” Poseidon ate a lobster who was a distant cousin of Set Enterprises’ famed psychic lobster Michelangelo.

“I hear Antifa has been advertising a peaceful family friendly 4th of July Flag Burning at the Gettysburg Cemetery this coming 4th of July,” Hades drank a gin and tonic.

“I imagine Abe Lincoln’s ghost and Union General Ulysses S. Grant will be requesting dispensations if that goes ahead,” Poseidon remarked.

“Undoubtedly,” Hades nodded.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday June 28th
2020.

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The Day After: A Renfieldian Analysis

November 7, 2018 at 11:59 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, History, Horror, International Intrigue, Mystery, Mystery/horror, Mythology, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

It was the day after the U.S. midterm elections.

As recently terminated U.S. Attorney-General Jeff Sessions asked his aide for directions to the nearest Unemployment line and Donald Trump began his campaign for Asshole of The Year Award among members of the White House Press Corps, Renfield R. Renfield shared his analysis of the U.S. midterms with his friend Amadeus Emanon.

“It appears Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster was spot on in declaring the winners,” Renfield bit into a tuna fish sandwich.

“But it appears he was mistaken in his vision last Saturday about widespread violence at polling stations,” Amadeus bit into a peanut butter sandwich.

“Not necessarily,” Renfield belched, “I immediately relayed Michelangelo’s vision to Dr. Faustus Imhotep the acting head of DARPA as well as Peter Whitstable of Interpol. Whitstable took my personal brigade of British Army gurkas and staged two raids on shiploads of arms arriving in Florida. One was a shipload of arms that was intended for Antifa operatives sent to them by Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro and the other was a shipload of arms intended for white supremacists sent to them by Havana based Neo-Nazi billionaire Robur Pike. Dr. Faustus Imhotep sent DARPA contract assassins Pan Goatee and Panty Goatee to bump off suspected Antifa and Neo-Nazi provocateurs the evening before the U.S. midterm elections. As a result of this DARPA Night of The Long Cleavers and Long Machetes, the U.S. midterms voting went off without violence and undertakers in towns where Antifa operatives and Neo-Nazis lived picked up a little extra business this week.”

“Good to see you took action,” Amadeus remarked.

Suddenly a loud piercing scream came from outside.

“It sounds like our estate watch cat Nefertiti Galore has taken action against someone,” Renfield went running outside and was joined by Amadeus where they saw that the cat had scratched ten faces on a ten headed demon.

“Who is that demon?” Amadeus asked.

“Well if my photographic memory of illustrations in the Encyclopedia of Demons serves me correctly,” Renfield put on a pair of spectacles, “that’s Ravana the Rakshasa demon king of Lanka.”

“What could he possibly want on the Set estate?” Amadeus asked.

“Well the Boss,” Renfield was referring to the Estate’s owner the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set and not Bruce Springsteen, “recently bought an original authentic statue of Sita who was Prince Rama’s bride that Ravana kidnapped millenia ago and so maybe Ravana wanted to steal it.”

After receiving catclaw scratches on his ten faces while in London, Ravana fled to Ravenna where he spent his days and nights studying the city’s Byzantine and Gothic architecture.

Happy Diwali to all my Indian friends. 😊

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday November 7th
2018.


Panty Goatee spent the night before U.S. midterm election day slitting the throats of Antifa operatives and Neo-Nazi white supremacists.

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Donald Trump and The Nostradamus Painting

October 2, 2017 at 5:36 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Donald Trump and The Nostradamus Painting

Donald Trump had recently been scolded by both his wife Melania and his daughter Ivanka for tweeting state secrets in public on Twitter.

They threatened to bring in world famous London dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes into the Oval Office unless he started behaving.

So now the Trumpster was on the telephone ☎️ speaking to his U. S. Secretary of State Rex Tillerson rather than tweeting to him.

Meanwhile North Korean despot Kim Jong-un had ordered his scientists and engineers to go full speed ahead on the Hermit Kingdom’s nuclear program since it was obvious that the blowhard in the U.S. Oval Office wasn’t interested in a peaceful diplomatic solution to the crisis on the Korean Peninsula.

“I’m having Chicken 🍗 Testicles for lunch,” Trump harrumphed before putting the phone down.

One of his aides stood by the President’s desk shaking in his boots.

“Who the Hell are you?” Trump asked the aide.

“I’m the aide who replaced the aide you fired yesterday who replaced the aide you fired the day before who replaced…”

“All right, all right, don’t get your panties in a knot!” Trump shouted, “Little did I know when I ran for President, that each day in the Oval Office would be like an episode of The Apprentice where I’m saying to somebody, ‘You’re fired!’. What the Hell do you want anyway?”.

“Remember that oil painting by the seer Nostradamus that you got your daughter Ivanka to track down through that London art gallery dealer Dashwood Forrest?” The aide asked.

“The one that prophesied an Islamist terrorist attack on the Vatican,” Trump ran his fingers through his hair and a miniature red spider monkey 🐒 fell out, “the one that I gave as a gift 🎁 to Pope Francis earlier this year?”.

“Yes, well our DARPA computers have determined that the date Nostradamus prophesied for the attack is less than 2 weeks away,” said the aide, “Do you think we should warn Pope Francis?”

Trump shrugged his red spider monkey dandruff off his shoulders, “Why should we? It’s Pope Francis.”

Trump returned to Twitter where he tweeted more nasty remarks about the mayor of San Juan Puerto Rico 🇵🇷.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday October 2nd
2017.

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Renfield, Political Correctness and Krakens

September 18, 2017 at 6:09 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

Renfield, Political Correctness and Krakens

British Transhumanist MP Renfield R. Renfield was making another speech to the UK 🇬🇧 House of Commons Parliamentary All-Party Foreign Affairs Committee after having read a blitheringly idiotic statement by Hollywood actor George Clooney on the Charlottesville incident.

Before his speech, Renfield held up for the committee a drawing he had done of George Clooney and various American late night talk show hosts sitting in a school classroom wearing DUNCE caps on their heads.

Said Renfield, “In consideration of the defining moment in history that Charlottesville has become on the road to a new global tyranny that seems to be emerging in the U.S. (political correctness taking the form of an all-encompassing Orwellian super state), we mustn’t be afraid to continuously give the assholes and idiots in the innately stupid American political establishment the raspberry they so richly deserve.”

Renfield took a sip of his martini (shaken not stirred in James Bond 007 fashion).

He continued.

“Now of course, Neo-Nazis and Ku Klux Klansmen are racist scumbags while the anarcho-communistic thugs and hooligans of Antifa are non-racist scumbags but that doesn’t mean that those belonging to Antifa are any less violence prone scumbags,” Renfield finished his martini 🍸, “to say otherwise is like saying that Josef Stalin, Mao Tse-tung and Pol Pot weren’t such bad fellows after all since at least they weren’t racist like Adolf Hitler was.”

. . .

“It’s rather unfortunate that Cardinal Robert Sarah is black,” said the liberal Vatican 🇻🇦 Cardinal Walter Kasper, “if he was a white man, our great beloved and dear leader Pope Francis would have no qualms about immediately removing him from his post as Prefect of the Congregation For Divine Worship for suggesting such backwardly outdated ideas as priests should be allowed to say the old Latin Tridentine Mass if they wish and that furthermore the Mass should be said ad orientem (towards the East- where Christ is said to return according to our outdated Biblical mythology which is so definitely pre-Vatican II).”

“I wholeheartedly agree,” said Cardinal Reinhard Marx (who lived up to his family name).

. . .

In Rome, the ancient Egyptian vampire Osiris was reading a book 📖 called How To Spot A Good Kraken From A Bad Kraken.

His smart phone went off and he answered it.

It was his wife and sister-in-law the Egyptian Vampiress Isis calling from Paris.

“Darling,” Isis breathed into the phone, “I want you to come to Paris and meet the Kraken Napoleon VI and his lovely wife Medusa.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday September 18th
2017.

. . .

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Hillary Clinton and The Magic Mirror On The Wall

September 14, 2017 at 5:37 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, News, Politics) (, , , )

Hillary Clinton and The Magic Mirror On The Wall

One of Hillary Clinton’s witch friends had a magic mirror on the wall that was able to correctly answer any question.

Hillary, having written her book called What Happened in which she blamed everyone and everything except for the kitchen sink (well actually she did include the kitchen sink!) for her electoral defeat, had decided to ask the magic mirror who was the one primarily responsible for her devastating defeat.

She went over to the magic mirror on the wall and asked,

Mirror mirror on the wall,
who was the one most responsible
for my electoral defeat last fall?

Was it the FBI’s James Comey,
the Russians,
Green Party candidate Jill Stein,
Bernie Sanders (for having the audacity to run against me in the primaries)…

Mirror mirror on the wall,
who was the one most responsible
for my electoral defeat last fall?

Having asked the question, she awaited the answer as the mirror glass turned to mist and fog.

Then the fog cleared and Hillary looked at the image that was the answer.

“What the Hell? What’s my own image doing reflecting back at me?” Hillary shrieked as the mirror cracked.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday September 14th
2017.

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Haiku About Disastrous Calamities Facing America

September 5, 2017 at 6:54 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, Nature, News, Poetry) (, , , , , , )

Haiku About Disastrous Calamities Facing America

Hurricane Harvey
Hurricane Irma and then
J. followed by Kim?

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London Swings Like A Pendulum Do: The Tower of Big Ben

August 17, 2017 at 8:13 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Espionage, Mystery, Mystery/horror, Mythology, News, Romance, Science-Fiction, The Supernatural, Vampire novel, western) (, , , , , , , , )

London Swings Like A Pendulum Do: The Tower of Big Ben

Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing had received an urgent text message from the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec.

Apparently Qonzilqointec had always wanted to make out underneath the bell of Big Ben in the famous London clock tower that people also called by that name.

Now the Aztec vampiress had just found out that the Big Ben clock tower would be undergoing renovations for the next 4 years and the bell would fall silent following the chimes at noon next Monday August 21st.

She asked Dracul to meet her underneath the bell at the clock tower between 7 and 8 tonight so they could make out.

“I’ve got to go,” Dracul explained the whole situation to Amadeus Emanon whom he was having tea ☕️ with.

Dracul exited the tea shop.

Amadeus’ iPhone went off.

“Hello?” Amadeus answered.

“Hello, Amadeus?” It was Renfield R. Renfield, “I’ve lost Dracul’s mobile phone number. Is he still there with you?”.

“No, he’s gone to the Tower of Big Ben to make out with the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec underneath the bell since they’re going to silence the bell for the next 4 years starting next Monday,” Amadeus unwrapped and ate a chocolate covered peanut shaped replica of the Dr. Who TARDIS Police Call Box Public Phone Booth.

“Wow, some guys have all the fun,” Renfield remarked as the Simon and Garfunkel song The Sounds of Silence played on the radio behind him.

. . .

Cardinal Walter Kasper was walking through the halls of the Vatican when a statue of Our Lady of Fatima crashed down right beside him.

“Oh well,” Cardinal Kasper looked at his watch ⌚️ 7:06 PM, “No great loss.”

. . .

The great South African artist SAREJESS was having another dream.

He dreamed that the Tower of Big Ben in London was sending out a great searchlight signal that read 1001 Positions of the Kama Sutra.

He saw Dr. Who’s TARDIS Police Call Box Public Phone Booth flying through the air.

He saw the Greek god Ares dressed in a full suit of armour prepared for war and sailing on the Ship of Hades (a ship he had recently painted a few weeks ago) at sea.

He saw North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un wearing a top hat 🎩, tux, tails and cane and tap dancing while holding hands with Bob Hope and Bing Crosby singing Thanks For The Memory while the clock struck midnight at Rick’s Cafe Americain in Casablanca.

He saw Donald Trump shampooing his hair and a barrel of monkeys falls out of it.

He saw the three-headed dog Cerberus biting a scythe holding Father Time on the buttocks.

He saw Ares trying to shove a large tornado shaped vortex into a small bottle.

He saw a red dress wearing red headed woman standing in the middle of snow ❄️ in the middle of a forest and firing two unusual looking armed weapons.

The woman (although a redhead) looked like Serena the blonde he had seen in the room with Belvedere on the 2nd floor of The Wild Tomatoes and Mushroom Saloon in that dream he had a few weeks ago where an Egyptian Pharaoh looking Orson Welles had come out of a Cuckoo Clock on the room’s wall.

. . .

British Prime Minister Theresa May was just walking below the clock tower of Big Ben at Westminster when a pair of very sexy red lingerie Victoria’s Secret panties fell down on top of her head.

“Nice looking panties, Mrs. May,” British Transhumanist MP Renfield R. Renfield remarked as he walked by.

“They’re not mine,” Mrs. May’s blushing 😊 red face could not be seen under the red panties.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday August 17th
2017.

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Michelangelo and The Next Big News Story of 2017

July 30, 2017 at 5:58 pm (Commentary, Culture, Entertainment, Humour, News, Satire, Vampire novel) (, , , , )

Michelangelo and The Next Big News Story of 2017

Renfield R. Renfield asked Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster to once again use his psychic lobster antennae to see if he could pick up a news story from the future.

Renfield wondered what would be the next big news story of 2017?

Michelangelo raised his lobster antennae and tried to see what frequency he could pick up.

The frequency came through on the screen of the computer 💻 hooked up to Michelangelo’s antennae.

A news announcer’s voice came through on the screen, “Caitlyn Jenner made history today by publicly breastfeeding Kanye West in a Beverly Hills restaurant…”

Michelangelo then picked up a Twitter tweet from Donald Trump on the issue.

@RealDonaldTrump @Caitlyn_Jenner -Caitlyn, so disappointed in you. You’re putting dairy 🥛 farmers in Wisconsin out of business. Have you no shame? Have you no shame?

Renfield looked at the computer screen and sighed, “I’m sorry I asked that question.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday July 30th
2017.

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Haiku About FDR

March 26, 2017 at 3:46 pm (Biographical, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, Poetry) (, , , , , )

Battled polio
Fought Great Depression and then
Japan and Nazis

FDR

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Donald Trump: The Shakespearian Tragi-Comedy

February 20, 2017 at 4:40 pm (Literature, News, Plays, Poetry) (, , , , )

Donald Trump (surveying the land); It is an ill wind that blows from yonder lying corrupt media…

(The wind coming through the oval office window blows the Donald’s hair off)

Trump (picking up his hair and looking at it): Alas! Poor Yorick! I knew him well, Horatio.

Mike Pence: The name is Michael, Mr. President.

Trump: Pence or Flynn?

Mike Pence: Pence.

Trump: That’s good. I thought I fired Flynn.

Mike Pence: He has suffered the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, Mr. President.

Trump: Yes, but the fault lies not in the stars but in ourselves.

Mike Pence: Look on yonder screen. What evil potion has been thrown at Kim Jung-nam.

Trump: What a towel. What a poison. What a woman. Come, let me clutch thee.

(Trump picks a pussy cat up off the office floor)

Mike Pence: Many a tragedy has befallen the nation of Malaysia these past 3 years.

Trump: Such ill fortune has fallen on that country. Just as good fortune and fair sun now shine on ours. Still, when in Malaysia, do as the North Koreans do.

Mike Pence: Do you still intend to build the wall, Mr. President?

Trump: I do. Even now through this very door comes a man to talk about the wall.

Snout (from A Midsummer Night’s Dream enters Oval Office and bows) :

In this same interlude it doth befall
that I one Snout by name present a wall
and such a wall as I would have you think
that had in it a crannied hole or chink
Through which the lovers Pyramus and Thisbe
Did whisper often very secretly…

Trump: Get out, fool.

(Snout flees Oval Office as does Trump’s reflection from the mirror)

Trump: Oh wherefore art thou, John Wayne?
A horse. A horse. My kingdom for a horse.

(A Dalmatian dog enters the room, lifts his leg and pees on the Donald)

Trump: Out, out, damned Spot.

(Curtain falls on an Oval Office in chaos or so say the Fake News media)

-A neo-Shakespearian tale
written by Christopher
Monday February 20th
2017.

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