Houdini In A Cage: A Poem

June 12, 2017 at 3:55 pm (History, Horror, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, News, Poetry, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

Serena The Magician's Assistant

Once the Great Houdini was all the rage
now he kneels imprisoned in a bird cage
for his magician’s assistant Serena came up with his latest tricks
like how to saw in half a woman using only mud and bricks

But Serena had fallen in love
like peace and the snow white dove
she had fallen in love with a vampire no less
a vampire who would often dress to impress

This vampire was the ancient Egyptian Set
who fancied stormy nights not cats as his pet
he had fled his prison tomb on 1918’s Armistice Day
and boarded an English ship in Alexandria’s distant bay

These past few years he lived in England
with only some acquaintances ne’er a true friend
That changed when he met Serena who from the future came
now his investment analysis forecasts were no longer so lame

He’s now making a huge fortune in various stocks and bonds
eating in the best London restaurants enjoying steaks and prawns
now he and Serena want to get closer together
holding wedding ring hands strolling in rainy weather

But Houdini says he won’t allow it, she’s just too good to leave
for finding a better assistant- he couldn’t pull one out of his sleeve
he says if she leaves, he’ll call the press and reveal all
how in a strange time warp, she came from 2017 in a backwards fall

But Serena had other tricks
and no time for Houdini’s kicks
She imprisoned him in a cage
whispering, In here you’ll start to age.

And Houdini begged and pleaded, all to no avail
and Serena said, I’m going to dip this cage in a keg of ale
Finally Houdini agreed to let her go
so from a keg tap, no mini magician would flow.
And Set and Serena would wander into sunset’s glow
that is if his being a vampire hadn’t spoiled the show.

-A poem and vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday June 12th 2017.

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Serena, Set and Houdini

June 8, 2017 at 3:18 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, History, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

It was the year 1920.

And the Egyptian vampire Set had heard that the Great Houdini was performing even greater magic stunts ever since he had hired a new assistant called Serena.

In fact, Set had heard the controversial British politician Winston Churchill say down at the Royal Albert Club, “It is my firm belief that it is the assistant Serena who’s responsible for planning these new amazing tricks of his and not the Great Houdini himself.”

“That’s probably true,” Sir Arthur Conan Doyle piped up while smoking his pipe, “after all, Houdini doesn’t believe in Spiritualism.”

“Neither I believe did that great detective Sherlock Holmes,” Churchill answered back over his brandy.

Doyle harrumphed.

For Doyle had chronicled Holmes’ career.

“I hear some people say that she’s from the future,” a dodgy old member of the House of Lords spoke up.

“She must be,” Churchill answered, “she says I’ll be Prime Minister someday.”

“More likely from an insane asylum then,” an opposing Member of Parliament spoke up.

“Well she did say the distant future is an insane asylum,” Churchill reflected.

Set thought he better go see this magician’s assistant himself.

If she’s from the future, she may be able to tell me what I should invest in, thought Set.

For Set worked as an investment analyst in the City of London.

In fact, he was the only investment analyst in London one could phone in the middle of the night.

The fact that he was a vampire was what kept him up at night.

Set went to the dressing room of the theatre where Houdini was performing.

Without knocking, he entered the door marked ASSISTANT.

And then he saw her.
Serena the Magician's Assistant

Serena.

For the first time since he thought he was in love with his sister Isis (which led to the whole family dispute with his brother Osiris and his nephew Horus), Set was in love.

Love at first sight.

A vampire had fallen for a magician’s assistant.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday June 8th
2017.

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Egyptian Vampire Set Visits Paris- 1927

February 14, 2017 at 12:55 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , )

The billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set had been sent a film delivered in the mail to his Berlin apartment.

Set had rather enjoyed the film.

A few days later he had received a note from the star of the film inviting him to Paris.

That night he had announced to his German valet Hans Franz Benz that he would be visiting Paris.

“Permanently, sir?” Hans Franz Benz started to worry about his future employment.

“Oh, no, only for a few nights,” Set answered much to Benz’ relief.

Set took a night train from Berlin to Paris.

He spent the day sleeping in bed at the Hotel de Crillon where he dreamed of King Louis XVI losing his head in front of the building and U.S. President Woodrow Wilson’s advisor Colonel Edward Mandell House plotting a one world government there.

At 9 PM, he took a taxi from his hotel to the Eiffel Tower.

He then took the elevator up to the observation deck (although being a vampire, he could have easily turned into a bat and flown up but he decided to act human on this occasion).

At 9:45 PM, the Egyptian vampire took out his moon dial watch which operated by the power of the rays of the moon (The watch had been specially designed and made for him by a dynamic duo of a top notch master Swiss watch maker and the Serbian inventor Nikola Tesla).

Set looked up from his moon dial watch when he heard the observation deck elevator door open.

Sure enough it was her the star of the film who had sent him a message inviting him to Paris to meet her.

“Mr. Sol Invictus Set?” The beautiful American actress and dancer called him by the name he had been using since late 1918.

“Miss Josephine Baker,” the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set kissed her hand.

Josephine Baker Dancer In The Rain
Josephine Baker danced in the streets of Paris for Mr. Sol Invictus Set on their evening together.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday February 9th
2017.

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Vampire Set’s Night On The Town- Berlin 1927

February 13, 2017 at 12:11 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , )

The billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set was in the Mephisto Lounge in Berlin. He wasn’t sure how many cabarets he had been visiting this evening. For he had been drinking a lot. And it had been alcohol. And not blood.

An alcohol hazed memory of the murder of his brother Osiris came back to him.

Set's Murder of His Brother Osiris Appeared Different In An Alcoholic Haze

That’s funny, Set thought to himself. He didn’t recall Bastet being there when he invited Osiris to inhabit the box which he was to close and later bodily dismember Osiris into 14 pieces. He wondered as he chewed an olive he found in his jacket sleeve pocket (from a martini in a previous nightspot) if that was the origin of the expression, “Has the cat got your tongue?”. Perhaps the Egyptian cat goddess Bastet had Osiris’.

No sooner had Set thought this profound thought when he was confronted by the sight of the devil Mephistopheles standing before him.

In the Mephisto Lounge, the waiters were dressed like Mephistopheles And when ordering from the menu, you’d have to agree to sell your soul before they took your order.

You signed the document in blood but if you were squeamish about that, they would accept red ink.

Set agreed to sell his soul in order to get a beer.

In another corner of the lounge, two men were watching and observing Set.

Both men were with British Intelligence.

“Did you find out about his background?” One man Thomas asked the other man Henry.

“Well,” Henry took out his notebook, “he’s apparently Egyptian. There’s no record of him prior to his suddenly showing up in a Cairo nightclub in November of 1918. The past several years he’s lived in London, New York and Chicago. He moved to Berlin in 1925.”

“And what are his political sympathies?” Thomas asked.

“Well, he’s attended several meetings of the German National Socialist Workers’ Party to hear that fellow Corporal Hitler speak,” Henry answered.

“I see,” Thomas looked thoughtful, “and he apparently still owns property in England?”.

“Affirmative,” Henry nodded.

“This fixation he has with Nazism,” Thomas inquired, “Do you suppose he’s racist?”.

“I have no idea,” Henry shrugged.

Thomas pondered the question for a moment.

Then he lit his pipe, blew smoke rings and looked up at the ceiling.

“I suppose there’s one way to find out,” Thomas breathed in the Egyptian tobacco.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday February 8th
2017.

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Egyptian Vampiric God of Darkness Set On An Evening In Berlin 1927

February 10, 2017 at 1:17 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , )

It was the year 1927 and the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set was living in Berlin.

It had been almost 9 years years since Set had had his tomb in Egypt dug up by British archaeologist Dr. Edgar Lovecraft Ashbury back on November 11th 1918 (the same day that the Armistice had been signed ending the Great War- the war that later generations would call the First World War).

Set was living in a luxurious Berlin apartment with his girlfriend the famous 1920s Berlin dominatrix the Baroness Erika Von Sade.

Set felt quite at home in the decadence and debauchery of 1920s Berlin.

It would have been what Egypt would have been like if he had been allowed to rule the land instead of his brother Osiris. He had of course bodily dismembered his goodly goody two shoes (made of Nile River reeds) brother Osiris. But unfortunately his sister and sister-in-law (for she was Osiris’ wife) Isis had found all the body parts of Osiris (save one) and put Osiris back together again.

Osiris tried to be a good Pharaoh again but it just wasn’t the same since he fell to pieces (or rather was carved to pieces by his brother Set).

Isis never did recover Osiris’ severed phallus. And his wooden phallus (by which he and Isis managed to conceive their son Horus) didn’t quite feel like the real thing (to quote a Coca-Cola ad from the distant future).

So Osiris wrote a sad song whose lyrics in ancient Egyptian said, “I’m not half the man I used to be” (the lyrics were later translated into English by the Beatles in the 1960s). Osiris later fell into a deep sleep under a black magic spell cast by Set who exiled his brother to a planet near the star Sirius for a few thousand years.

Horus, to avenge his father Osiris, buried Set alive in a tomb for a few thousand years.

Then that tomb had been dug up by Dr. Edgar Lovecraft Ashbury in 1918.

Set had escaped, gone into the U.S. bootlegging business with Al Capone, made a killing (his partner Big Al had made even more killings) and was using the proceeds to live the high life in Berlin.

Set was getting dressed to go out for a night on the town in Berlin on this particular evening in 1927.

“Which cabaret will you be visiting tonight, sir?” His valet Hans Franz Benz asked him.

“I’m not sure, Hans,” Set selected the red tie to go with the colour of his victims’ neck bites and the resulting liquid flow.

“I believe your favourite lounge singer Marlene Dietrich is singing at one of the clubs tonight, sir,” Hans tied the tie for Set.

“Really? I’ll have to go to that club,” Set decided not to go with the wooden shoes from Holland on the off chance some vampire hunter might use one of his shoes for a wooden stake.

“Did you spend the day sleeping in your sarcophagus, sir,?” Hans inquired.

“No, I did spend it indoors out of the sun,” Set replied, “I was in an auditorium listening to that dynamic young politician from Bavaria speak.”

“Would that be Adolf Hitler, sir?” Hans selected a pair of black boots with Death’s Head shoe laces.

“That’s the man,” Set smiled showing a huge pair of vampiric incisors, “he says he’s going to make Germany great again.”

“That’s good to hear, sir,” Hans put Set’s arms through his vest.

“I always admire political leaders who are going to make their country great again,” Set selected the gold cufflinks inscribed with the Napoleonic N in a Roman laurel leaf crown.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday February 8th
2017.

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Set Sees An Optometrist

March 29, 2016 at 7:48 pm (Commentary, Culture, Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, Horror, Mystery/horror, Mythology, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

Set Sees An Optometrist

The billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set entered through the front door of his colossal London mansion.

His valet Athelstan stood there to put away his black top hat, his black cape and black jackal headed walking stick.

Set growled when, on the dresser at the entrance, he noticed the evening headline of The Times of London-Pope Francis Enjoys Eating Lebanese Donairs With Egyptian God Osiris At High Altar of Saint Peter’s Basilica.

“What’s that in your hand, Boss?” a donair eating Amadeus Emanon asked the billionaire Egyptian vampire as he entered the sitting room.

“It’s a prescription,” Set replied as he put the piece of paper down on a desk.

“Prescription?” Renfield R. Renfield looked up from the cup of Bavarian Magic Mushroom laced tea that he was drinking, “You doing drugs again, Boss?”.

“No, it’s an optical prescription,” Set answered, “from an optometrist. It’s a prescription for a new pair of glasses.”

“You need glasses, Boss?” Amadeus wondered where his dropped crumb of donair had got to against the background of the floor’s Persian carpet.

“Yes, I do,” Set snorted through his nostrils.

“Admittedly, sir,” Athelstan stated sympathetically, “the size of writing they use in Egyptian hieroglyphs these days leaves a lot to be desired.”

“You shouldn’t have got a prescription for glasses, Boss,” Renfield inhaled his tea the way an 18th Century English gentleman would have inhaled snuff, “you’d look much better with contact lenses.”

“And how am I suppose to put contact lenses in my eyes every night without looking like a post-paternity discovering and post-maternity discovering Oedipus Rex?” Set held up his 66 inch fingernails.

“Good point,” Renfield answered.

“Actually it would be a bad point,” Amadeus quipped, “if he tried putting a contact lens in his eye.”

Renfield blamed the magic mushroom laced tea for suddenly analyzing situations with the mental capacity of your average voter in rural British Columbia.

Amadeus sang Handel’s Hallelujah Chorus when he successfully found the crumb of donair on the Persian carpet.

“So Renfield, did you get that text message I sent you earlier this evening?” Set asked as he helped himself to a bowl of human fingers.

“I did, Boss,” Renfield acknowledged.

“What message was this, Boss?” Amadeus started filing his finger nails with his nail file.

“I ran into Sherrielock Holmes earlier this evening,” Set explained, “which reminds me, Athelstan, would you mind leaving a tube of medicinal ointment by my sarcophagus this morning and also ask my lovely Filipino nurse to be on standby to apply the said ointment to my said buttocks?”.

“Of course, sir,” Athelstan bowed.

“Getting back to the message,” Set proceeded to answer Amadeus’ question, “Sherrielock Holmes informed me that my nephew Horus was actually depicted in Egyptian hieroglyphs with the head of a hawk not a falcon. When I heard this, the thought hit me that I may have unjustly decapitated a back alley urinator the other night when I noticed a falcon headed spirit with an ancient Egyptian accent possessing his body. Sherrielock told me that it was actually the Egyptian moon god Khonsu who had the head of a falcon and so I thought maybe I had decapitated Khonsu’s earthly human vessel instead. I don’t want to alienate any other members in good standing of the Egyptian pantheon as I need all the allies I can get for my coming global war against Osiris and Isis and Horus. So I asked Renfield via text message who it was that had a falcon head among Egypt’s ancient deities and who had a hawk head? I asked him to do some research on the topic for me to illuminate me when I got home.”

“I went to the library and did some research on that very topic, Boss,” Renfield helped himself to a drumstick from a bucket of KFC, “but your illumination won’t come in the form of a membership application from the Illuminati as 99% of those members support the goals of Osiris and Isis and Horus in the coming global war.”

“That means I’m allied with Jesus of Nazareth of all people. How’s that for bloody irony?” Set spit a bloodied human hand (still holding on to a clothing iron) out of his mouth.

“Say, Boss,” Amadeus helped himself to the plate of crackers with caviar that Athelstan offered him, “surely you yourself should remember which deity had which head. Hawk or falcon? Horus or Khonsu? After all you’re taking the word of an admittedly extremely young looking and very attractive 162-year-old leather skirted dominatrix when you yourself are a vampire and Egyptian deity well over 3 millennia old and you knew these entities from the very beginning. Why text message Renfield to do research on the topic? Why not use your own memory?”.

“Because,” Set raged and foamed as he spit a mortal human tongue out of his mouth, “like I’ve always told you whenever you constantly ask me why I’m using 2 totally different colours of nail polish on each hand, I’ve been suffering from extreme dementia ever since I watched that A & E documentary on the lives of Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan and Kim Kardashian last year.”

“And that,” Renfield smiled, “is why the Boss no longer trusts his memory. That’s why he asked me to research the matter of Horus and Khonsu and who was hawk and who was falcon. That’s also why he’s asked me to manage his banking and chequing accounts as he goes through this difficult period.”

Amadeus looked out the window at the new BMW that Renfield had bought himself earlier this week and was now parked on the driveway.

“So,” Renfield put on his reading glasses and flipped through his notebook to read Set what he had discovered on this subject, “Apparently whether Horus was falcon headed or hawk headed depended on which hieroglyphs were being used in which district of Egypt. Horus was often depicted with the head of a falcon and in other places he was depicted with the head of a hawk. Even Khonsu (that Miss Sherrielock Holmes mentioned as being falcon headed) was depicted in many districts of Egypt as having the head of a hawk. So it all depended on which district of Egypt you were living in and what particular hieroglyphic image was being used.”

“I wonder what boiled tana leaves taste like,” Amadeus mused aloud about the variety of ancient Egyptian leaves that were used to keep the mummy Kharis alive in the Universal Pictures Mummy horror films of the early 1940s.

“So in your opinion, Renfield,” Set ignored the question posed by Amadeus’ filmographical botanical culinary musings, “which of those two deities was most likely to have a falcon head and which was most likely to have a hawk head?”.

“Well in my humble opinion,” Renfield adjusted his I’m The World’s Greatest Lover t- shirt, “it was usually Horus who was depicted as falcon headed most of the time and Khonsu who was depicted as hawk headed.”

“So then Sherrielock Holmes was wrong?” Set queried.

“Yes,” Renfield nodded, “but I wouldn’t say that aloud to her unless you wanted to have trouble sitting down for the next century.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday March 4th
2016.

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Day In The Life of Dr. Cadbury Rocher

November 27, 2015 at 9:34 pm (The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Day In The Life of Dr. Cadbury Rocher

The brilliant scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher (who some called “mad”, others called “insane” and the politically correct called “sanity challenged”) sat in his office overlooking the laboratory of Set Enterprises.

He looked down at the laboratory and noticed Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster sleeping peacefully in his lobster tank.

Which was a good thing.

The lobster tank had mysteriously exploded on 7 different occasions the past few weeks.

And the higher-ups on the Board of Directors of Set Enterprises were starting to take notice.

Especially the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set’s new personal chartered accountant Ayn Rand Nosferatu.

A strange woman. Not quite human. Not quite vampire.

And different from both in that x-rays showed that she had within her chest an ancient Chinese abacus in the place where her heart should have been.

Her office was quite intimidating.

She had a statue of the Titan Atlas shrugging and casting the world down at the feet of a raven that had on its head a marble bust of Adam Smith.

The face of Atlas bore a striking resemblance to Donald Trump and the inscription below the statue read, “Do not give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses, your wretched refuse or your homeless.”

On the wall was an oil painting of a sour looking Ebenezer Scrooge.

The painting was titled Portrait of Ebenezer Scrooge Prior To His Visit By The Communist Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future.

Ayn Rand Nosferatu told Dr. Rocher in no uncertain terms that the company would not be buying any more lobster tanks.

Dr. Cadbury Rocher then turned to thoughts of his great grandmother.

It was embarrassing.

His great grandmother was 161 years old, still alive and didn’t look a day over 30.

And to top it off, Renfield R. Renfield had recently hired his (Rocher’s) great grandmother as his personal dominatrix.

Dr. Cadbury Rocher stood up as memories of his own childhood came back to mind.

He subconsciously rubbed his buttocks.

His great grandmother was certainly a woman who knew how to spank.

His great grandmother Sherrielock Holmes (Sherlock Holmes’ twin sister) who kept her maiden name had managed to achieve immortality by eating a Linghzi Supernatural Mushroom that had been specially treated by his great grandfather Dr. Louis Rocher (who was also a great scientific genius) to offset the possible harmful side effect of turning to stone once the mushroom was eaten.

Dr. Louis Rocher had decided not to eat the Supernatural Mushroom right away himself.

He would wait to eat it.

That was a mistake on his part.

As a fighter pilot for the RAF, Louis Rocher ended up dying after being shot down by the Red Baron Manfred Von Richtofen on April 20th 1918 (just a day prior to the Red Baron’s own demise on April 21st 1918).

So the end result was that his great grandmother was immortal without the love of her love Louis by her side.

As Cadbury Rocher looked down at the laboratory, he began to wonder if there was any correlation between Michelangelo’s lobster tanks exploding and nude drawings, sketches and paintings of his great grandmother Sherrielock Holmes being found in the laboratory.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday November 27th
2015.

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Renfield’s Idea For The Return of Dr. Cadbury Rocher

December 31, 2014 at 5:23 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, Humour, International Espionage, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , )

Renfield’s Idea For The Return of Dr. Cadbury Rocher

Renfield angrily threw down his copy of The U.S. Senate Report on CIA Torture In Interrogations that he had just finished reading.

“What a bunch of wimps, wusses, pussies and pansies the CIA actually are,” Renfield remarked, “it’s a wonder they found out any information at all using such namby pamby methods.”

“No wonder they eventually brought you in as a consultant for you to show them how it’s done,” Amadeus commented without looking up from the book he was reading.

“That’s very true,” Renfield grinned.

Amadeus yawned.

“I of course expect to be knighted by the Queen for my efforts in battling Islamist terrorism this year,” Renfield stuck his chest out.

“Well don’t hold your breath,” Amadeus flipped a page, “otherwise you’ll die for lack of oxygen.”

“The boss is still ticked about his top scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher now working for his archenemy and rival Isis,” Renfield decided to change the subject.

“No, Set Enterprises hasn’t been the same without Dr. Rocher,” Amadeus agreed.

“Of course what brought about the rift was the $2 billion that was slashed from Dr. Cadbury Rocher’s laboratory research budget,” Renfield noted.

“That’s right,” Amadeus helped himself to a stick of black licorice.

“But as you know I recently sold the cyborg Sophia back to Vladimir Putin (which he gave me as a gift a few years ago) for the handy sum of $7 billion U.S. thus making myself a nice $7 billion profit,” Renfield smiled.

“Yes, you’ve endlessly droned on about it for almost the past month,” Amadeus flipped another page of his book.

“Anyhow,” Renfield went on, ” in order to make the boss happy, I’ve decided to give $2 billion of that to the Set Enterprises laboratories’ research budget in order to make Dr. Cadbury Rocher happy and bring him back to work for the Boss again.”

“Your generosity exceeds that of the redeemed Ebenezer Scrooge,” Amadeus took a sip of his eggnog.

Renfield, totally obvious to the fact that Amadeus had discovered the art of sarcasm a few months ago, replied with a wide grin, “I know. Dr. Cadbury Rocher won’t be able to refuse my $2 billion offer. As Ron Jeremy once said, ‘Walk softly and carry a big stick’.”

“That wasn’t Ron Jeremy,” Amadeus looked up from his book on Lives Of The U.S. Presidents, “that was Teddy Roosevelt.”

“Teddy Roosevelt was a porn star?” Renfield sounded genuinely shocked.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday December 22nd
2014.

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Kim Kardashian Meets The Vampire Set

November 20, 2014 at 7:48 pm (Entertainment, Espionage, Geopolitics and International Relations, News, Television) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

Kim Kardashian Meets The Vampire Set

The London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set had been laid up in his sarcophagus for the past month with a very severe case of irregularity.

It was a result of eating an entire horse in a fancy London restaurant almost a month ago.

On the table beside his sarcophagus were several Get Well cards sent to him by various people.

A Get Well card from Watson Holmes the man who was the Executive Vice-President of Set Enterprises (the Egyptian vampire’s research and development firm).

A Get Well Card and a bouquet of flowers from Miss Miranda Singh who was the secretary and office manager for Watson Holmes.

An I Heard You Were Sick card sent to him by a disgruntled former employee Dr. Cadbury Rocher.

Dr. Rocher had sent along a wooden stake as well along with the note Insert Directly Into Heart.

He also received a Get Well card from a London private eye- a Mr. Randall Hopkins.

Set wondered if it was the same man who stood outside the windows of his room every night after sundown and took photos of him with his iPhone when Set’s sarcophagus was open.

The man left just before sunrise (at the same time Set was closing his sarcophagus lid).

Set also received a Get Well card as well as a basket of fruit from his own personal concert pianist Mr. Amadeus Emanon.

From Michelangelo his company’s genetically created psychic lobster, he received a gift certificate for a seafood restaurant- good for all items on the menu with the exception of all lobster entrees.

From Renfield R. Renfield his shapeshifting hamster/human Chief of Security and Intelligence Gathering, he received… an autographed photo… of Renfield R. Renfield (the same gift Renfield gave to everybody on birthdays, anniversaries and at Christmas).

For his ailment, Set tried every laxative and enema method under the sun.

No laxative seemed to work.

No enema…

… seemed to work…

… until…

… Kim Kardashian visited him this evening…

… with a bottle of champagne…

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday November 17th
2014.

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Pan Goatee’s Torture Test

November 7, 2013 at 8:49 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

Pan Goatee’s Torture Test

 

 

 

Serial killer and hired U. S. government assassin Pan Goatee was asked by high-ranking officials at the NSA to astral project to Pakistan to interrogate a Taliban official  Shaheen Fazlullah  who had been captured by CIA officials in Pakistan.

 

Pan Goatee’s past experience had actually been quick decapitations and quick bodily dismemberments.

 

He had never really done a slow torturous death before.

 

 

But he was given a book to read called How To Apply A Slow Torturous Death written by one Renfield R. Renfield the Chief of Security and Intelligence Gathering for the London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set.

 

 

 

In addition he also watched a video where Rob Ford the Mayor of the City of Toronto, Ontario, Canada threatened to kill someone before poking out his eyes and ripping out their throat first.

 

 

 

With these delightful lessons behind him, Pan Goatee astral projected to Pakistan.

 

 

 

 

                       .          .            .

 

 

 

 

 

Pan Goatee was greeted by the CIA agent in charge of the operation Bob Belfor.

 

 

“Nice to meet you, Mr. Belfor,”  Pan Goatee shook his hand, “what did you do for the Agency before capturing Taliban scumbags?”.

 

 

“I worked in property restoration,”  Bob Belfor answered, “if a home or business suffered a flood or fire or some other form of disaster or calamity, me and the boys went in and fixed everything up.  Quite literally fixed everything up.  We put in listening devices in that particular home or business.”

 

 

 

“Sounds great,” Pan Goatee smiled.

 

 

“Here ‘s the prisoner,”  Bob Belfor introduced him to the man in chains.

 

 

“So you’re Shaheen Fazlullah,”  Pan Goatee smiled,  “anyone ever tell you that’s kind of a stupid sounding name?”.

 

 

 

“Drop dead, pig,” Shaheen tried to spit in Pan’s face but the satyr assassin ducked.

 

 

 

“You know speaking of pigs,”  Pan Goatee smiled,  “I’ve got some boiling hot pig fat to rub all over your body.”

 

 

As Bob Belfor took a spoon and rubbed boiling hot pig fat all over Shaheen’s body , Pan Goatee asked, “Didn’t your Prophet, curses and damnation be upon him, forbid contact with pork?”.

 

 

 

Pan Goatee took a steaming hot slice of pork and wrapped it around the man’s genitals.  He followed this by wrapping pita bread around the slice of pork and the man’s genitals and then taking a knife and cutting it off.

 

 

He then ate it- slice of pork, separated genitals, pita bread and all.

 

 

“What a delicious donair,”  Pan Goatee belched.

 

 

 

 Bob Belfor laughed.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

To be continued.

 

 

 

 

 

-A vampire novel chapter

  written by Christopher

  Thursday November 7th

   2013

 

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