The Dog Days of August

August 19, 2021 at 10:16 pm (History, Short stories, Short Story) (, , , , , , , , )

It was on this date (August 19th) back in 14 AD that the Roman Emperor Caesar Augustus kicked the bucket (having successfully crossed off Become Ruler of the Known World on his bucket list).

Rumours abounded at the time that he had been poisoned by his wife the Empress Livia.

. . .

“What is this?” Caesar Augustus asked his wife Livia.

“Your favourite,” Livia smiled as she handed him the plate, “Roasted mushrooms.”

“Where are the food tasters?” Augustus looked around.

“I gave them the night off,” Livia poured herself a goblet of wine.

“Gave them the night off?” Augustus’ face turned ashen white (If a Marxist Critical Race Theory professor of Classics and Ancient History had been there, he or she or it (if they belonged to the category of gender confused in the Alphabet Soup community) would have called Caesar Augustus out as the supreme example of white privilege).

Caesar Augustus ate the mushrooms.

“I don’t feel so well,” Caesar Augustus wiped his brow.

“I brought you some nice looking grapes,” Livia put a bowl of delicious looking grapes down in front of Augustus.

“They do look good,” Augustus noted.

He had one.

And another.

And then another…

Until he had finished them all.

“I think I’m dying,” Caesar Augustus stated.

“I’m not surprised,” Livia answered, “I put enough poison in those mushrooms and grapes to kill a horse.”

At that moment a horse neighed loudly from the stables before finally biting the dust.

Both Augustus and horse passed into the midsts of Sheol.

And the dog star Sirius continued on its merry way.

Livia when she was younger before she became Roman Empress and a terrible cook.

-A short story
written by Christopher
Thursday August 19th
2021.

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Perverted Roman Emperor Elagabalus Bangs Village Person Dutch PM Mark Rutte In The Rear At Amsterdam YMCA

June 27, 2021 at 10:45 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, History, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster was having a vision of the dream that the Netherlands’ “Lot’s wife pillar of salt challenged” Prime Minister Mark Rutte was currently having.

Mr. Rutte who couldn’t decide on being a cowboy, an Indian chief, a policeman, a construction worker, a disco dancer or a BDSM leather boy poster child when he grew up settled for becoming Prime Minister of the Netherlands instead.

Mr. Rutte was currently having a dream where he was in the sauna room of the local YMCA in Amsterdam.

He was being sodomized in the rear end by the ghost of the perverted Roman Emperor Elagabalus (circa 204-March 11th 222 AD, reigned as perverted Roman Emperor from 218 to 222 AD).

Elagabalus was singing,

“In the Navy, you can sail the Seven Seas in the Navy,
you can bend over if you please in the Navy…”

With that the cross-dressing Emperor Elagabalus bent Mr. Rutte over and let him have it full throttle where the sun don’t shine.

Elagabalus shouted for joy as did Dutch Prime Minister Mark Rutte.

With the coming together in unity-in-diversity of perverted ancient Roman Emperor Elagabalus and perverted modern Dutch leader Mark Ratte, Ratte shouted, “Hungary objects to such activities. Therefore we must kick Hungary out of the European Union.”

All in all, Michelangelo reflected, it would probably be best for Hungary if it did leave the European Union.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday June 27th
2021.

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The Roman Emperor Caligula: A Poem

January 24, 2015 at 9:14 pm (History, Poetry) (, , , , , , )

The Roman Emperor Caligula: A Poem

In Ancient Rome, Caligula was quite the chap
Certain Senators thought he was full of crap
particularly when to the Senate a horse he named
and the Senate’s marble floor was soon brownly framed
of course it was only the back end of the horse that Caligula had appointed
because he thought that part most resembled Rome’s “honourable men” so anointed.
Caligula dressed in public as Mercury, Venus and Apollo
for he thought he was more than a jolly good fellow
He thought of himself as a living god
as he once boasted to his Uncle Claud
He soon started calling himself the Great and Noble Jupiter
and shoved up a Patrician’s ass an arrow from statue of Cupid-ter
He soon started removing heads from statues of the gods of Rome
and replaced them with heads of facial features- his own
Caligula was really starting to become quite mad
and many started to think him a cad
When he announced to the Senate in 40 AD
that he would be leaving Rome permanently
and moving the Imperial capital to Alexandria to be worshipped as a living god
The Praetorian Guard had finally had had enough of this fraud
And on the 24th of January 41 AD they bumped him off
And the Emperor Caligula died with less than a divine cough.

-A poem written by Christopher
Saturday January 24th 2015
on the anniversary of The Emperor
Caligula’s assassination.

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A Short Poem About The Ides of March

March 15, 2014 at 5:18 pm (History, Literature, Poetry) (, , , , , , , , )

A Short Poem About The Ides of March

Verily on the Ides of March
while holding a ment of parch
The noble Mark Antony read
Caesar’s will on spot where Caesar bled.

-written by Christopher
Saturday March 15th
2014.

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