Putin Sings Novichok Song To Tune of Spiderman While Angela Merkel Shaves Her Moustache Again

September 5, 2020 at 11:06 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Russian President Vladimir Putin recently had a needle injected into his buttocks by Set Enterprises Intelligence Unit secret agent Harvey Tallbanger (a 6 foot 8 tall bunny rabbit with big pink floppety ears invisible to all except those drinking Harvey Wallbanger cocktails).

The serum inside the needle gave Putin the worst case of hemorrhoids in all recorded history.

Now that Germany had found Russian Opposition leader Alexei Navalny had indeed been poisoned by nerve agent Novichok, British MP Renfield R. Renfield and Set Enterprises decided to take further action against the murder by poisoning Byzantine Emperor like Russian leader.

Included in the hemorrhoids inducing serum was a compound developed by Set Enterprises’ Dr. Cadbury Rocher (the inventor of the serum) that made the person injected and infected subject to mind control by Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster.

Renfield decided to test the compound’s effectiveness.

Russian President Vladimir Putin had called a press conference to answer charges that it was Russia responsible for administering the Novichok nerve agent poison to Alexei Navalny.

Towering like an Olympian Greek god on his throne high above the assembled members of the world news media, Putin sat upon three dozen soft comfortable cushions to alleviate the agony of his hemorrhoids.

When asked by a reporter from the Uncle Ernie’s Free Press newspaper in Australia (the only newspaper in the world printed on toilet paper) if Russia was responsible for the Novichok attack on Navalny, the Russian leader proceeded to reply.

At that moment, Putin had his mind taken over by Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster.

Putin then broke into a song he dubbed Novichok (which was sung to the tune of Spiderman which was the theme song from the 1960s TV cartoon show called Spiderman).

Putin (singing):

Novichok, Novichok
friendly neighbourhood Novichok
makes your insides want to upchuck
Look out here comes the Novichok
Man
Here comes the Novichok…

Putin was dragged away by his aides before he started revealing any Russian state secrets.

Meanwhile in her bathroom in her home in Berlin Germany, German Chancellor Angela Merkel was listening to the Putin press conference on her TV set and also desperately trying to shave off her moustache.

Ever since her government started imposing draconian measures against its own population this past March in the wake of the Chinese Communist Party Wuhan virus pandemic, Ms. Merkel would wake up every morning with a freshly grown moustache (resembling to the exact detail Der Fuhrer Adolf Hitler’s signature moustache).

As always it took hours for her to shave off her moustache- only to have it come back again fully grown the next day.

The TV started broadcasting a commercial with Renfield R. Renfield drinking a glass of milk (produced by the Alberta Dairyman’s Association) leaving a milky moustache above his lips when he finished drinking.

Renfield sang, “And wear a moustache… wear a moustache..”

Ms. Merkel threw her hair dryer against the TV set as she started to shave her legs.

. . .

Down in Australia, Australian Prime Minister Scott Scott Morrison was having his home buzzed by Set Enterprises’ drones who were playing on their drone loudspeakers their own version of a Men At Work song from the early 1980s,

“Do you live in a Reich down under?
Can’t you hear, can’t you hear the thunder?
You better run, you better take cover.”

Meanwhile in Melbourne, Victoria state Premier Daniel Andrews had problems of his own.

A Josef Stalin walrus style moustache was growing on his left buttock and had become impossible to shave off.

Likewise an Adolf Hitler moustache was growing on his right testicle and had become impossible to shave off.

After 300 protestors marched against Premier Daniel Andrews’ despotic totalitarian rule in Melbourne yesterday (which sent BBC’s Communist correspondent in Australia into a frenzy of weeping and gnashing of teeth), the Victoria premier surrounded by armed police who were dressed like Darth Vader’s stormtroopers of the Evil Empire, Andrews lectured and waved his hands like a frantic madman (minus the German accent), “It is not safe, it is not smart, it is not lawful. In fact, it is absolutely selfish for people to be out there protesting.”

The ghosts of Josef Stalin and Adolf Hitler stood behind him applauding vigourously.

Seconds later, a rotten tomato cream pie was thrown in Andrews’ face by an invisible entity.

Overhead Set Enterprises’ drones flew and sang,

“Do you live in a Reich down under?
Can’t you hear, can’t you hear the thunder?
You better run, you better take cover.”

. . .

Dr. Theresa Tam who was Canada’s airheaded so-called “health expert” was now telling people to stop kissing and also to wear a mask when having sex to prevent the spread of the Coronavirus.

She also said that going solo when having sex (i.e. masturbation) was the safest form of sex to have during a pandemic.

“It definitely decreases your risk of getting Covid,” Dr. Tam said.

When asked to comment, British MP Renfield R. Renfield noted, “That while going solo in terms of sex (i.e. masturbation) decreases your risk of getting Covid, it increases your risk of becoming a pathetic and lonely loser.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday September 5th
2020.

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The Riddle of The Sphinx

October 8, 2019 at 10:13 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

The Riddle of The Sphinx

Prince Vlad Dracula was on the ground in the Syrian-Iraqi border area where Kurdish forces were under attack by Turkish planes.

Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan the would be Sultan of a revived Ottoman Empire did not waste any time after Donald Trump announced a withdrawal of U.S. troops from Syria.

The Kurds may have helped defeat the evil Islamic State (aka ISIS) but gratitude is something historically that the U.S. government has never really believed in no matter who was the President.

Donald Trump the would be neo-Roman God-Emperor of the United States said that he would use his “great and unmatched wisdom” to destroy Turkey’s economy if Erdogan took advantage.

The same way Trump’s “great and unmatched wisdom” in getting into a trade war with China and the possibility of it getting worse caused stock markets to drastically fall today.

The “great and unmatched wisdom” of a simple phone call with a Ukrainian leader which had since led to an impeachment inquiry by the U.S. House of Representatives.

The “great and unmatched wisdom” in accusing Rep. Adam Schiff and Rep. Nancy Pelosi of “treason” and saying they should be “impeached” (the “great and unmatched wisdom” seemingly unaware that Congresspeople cannot be impeached).

Prince Vlad Dracula thought to himself that Trump showed the strategic ability of a certain branch of the Caesar family.

Trump showed the strategic ability of the Emperor Gaius Caligula as opposed to the strategic ability of Caligula’s father the great Roman General Germanicus (who helped conquer Germany for the Romans).

Prince Vlad Dracula pulled out his smart phone and made a call to British MP Renfield R. Renfield the UK’s Deputy Foreign Secretary In Charge of Geopolitical Intelligence Gathering.

The Kurds were going to need all the help they could get in defeating the Turks.

. . .

Donald Trump was looking in the mirror and singing his own paraphrased version of an old country and western music song,

“Oh Donald, it’s hard to be humble 
When you’re perfect in every way
I can’t wait to look in the mirror
Cause I get better looking each day
To know me is to love me
I must be a Hell of a man 
Oh Donald, it’s hard to be humble
But I’m doing the best that I can…”

Melania Trump who had been standing outside the open bedroom door and listening suddenly doubled over into huge gales of laughter.

She continued to laugh hysterically.

Yvette the French maid asked Lexington the English butler and valet, “What is the matter with Madame Trump?”.”

“I’m not sure,” said a concerned and worried Lexington, “but I fear insanity may be contagious around the White House.”

. . .

Sophia the Greco-Egyptian Gnostic goddess of wisdom sat on what became her throne along the banks of the River Thames.

A huge Sphinx that sat on one of the embankments.

Today a group of her devotees gathered in front of her.

Sophia was worried that her son Yaldabaoth the Irish leprechaun would soon be without a place to sleep as her sobriety challenged leprechaun son slept on the border between the Republic of Ireland and Northern Ireland.

What would happen if that border once again became a hard border?

She had summoned her followers to see if anything could be done to get German Chancellor Angela Merkel to accept the Renfield-Johnson Plan on Brexit and the Irish border.

Renfield walking along the banks of the Thames saw the gathering.

Renfield took off his top hat and spoke, “I have a suggestion.”

“Yes,” Sophia looked at him with her flashing dark eyes.

“Your grasp of the Sphinx’s claws has given me an idea,” said Renfield.

And on this day, Sherlock Holmes was no longer around to solve the Curious Matter of The Grasp of The Sphinx’s Claws.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday October 8th
2019.

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A Grey Wolf Walks The Streets of Berlin

November 22, 2017 at 8:17 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Politics, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

A Grey Wolf Walks The Streets of Berlin

A grey wolf walked the streets of Berlin.

The wolf seemed to be grinning as its tongue hung out.

It was also wagging its tail in vigorous fashion.

The grey wolf was possessed by the spirit of Adolf Hitler.

It was happy because German Chancellor Angela Merkel was unable to form a coalition government and did not want to preside over a minority government.

So she was thinking of calling another national election in Germany 🇩🇪.

The grey wolf Adolf was happy because this potential new election might bring forth new political forces that were more akin to the ideas he envisioned for Germany back in the 1930s and early 1940s.

Meanwhile in his parliamentary office at Westminster in London, MP Renfield R. Renfield was once again sipping a glass he had poured from his Churchillian bottle of brandy.

The image of Churchill from the painting of Churchill that hung on the wall in Renfield’s office once again left its frame and sat across from Renfield.

“Rennie,” Churchill smoked an ectoplasmic cigar, “I am very concerned with what is currently happening in Germany 🇩🇪.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday November 22nd
2017.

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Michelangelo’s Vision of A Donald Trump Presidency

June 1, 2016 at 6:13 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, News, Politics, Satire, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Michelangelo’s Vision of A Donald Trump Presidency
German Chancellor Angela Merkel was anxious to discover who would win the U.S. Presidential election.
So she had paid Set Enterprises’ €1 million to find out.
But Set Enterprises’ genetically created Psychic Lobster refused to reveal that information.
The German Chancellor was anxious to know what would be the results of a Donald Trump Presidency.
So Set Enterprises’ chief resident mad scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher posed the question hypothetically to the psychic lobster, “What would a Donald Trump Presidency be like?”.
Michelangelo replied with a series of visions that he sent telepathically from his lobster antennae to the screen of the computer he was hooked up to.
All the visions were of Donald Trump sitting in the Oval Office:
1st Vision:
Trump (barking orders to his underlings) : What? How dare the Mexicans reject my final offer to get them to pay for the wall I’m building? This makes me look like I’m breaking my campaign promise to my supporters.
Get on the phone to the Pentagon and tell them to nuke Mexico City. This will show them who’s boss.
2nd vision:
Trump (still barking orders): What? How dare Pope Francis condemn me as unChristian for nuking Mexico City?
Get on the phone to the Pentagon and tell them to nuke the Vatican.
This will show that godless atheistic communist in a cassock who’s truly doing God’s work.
3rd Vision:
Trump (still barking) : I didn’t like that story CNN’s Anderson Cooper did on me last night.
Get on the phone to the Pentagon and tell them to nuke CNN Headquarters in Atlanta.
This will make what General Sherman did look like a Sunday School barbeque.
4th Vision:
Trump (continuously barking): How dare the New York Times condemn me for nuking Atlanta? It’s not my fault the entire city happens to surround CNN.
Get on the phone to the Pentagon and tell them to nuke the New York Times Building in New York City. But phone my financial so-called Blind Trust first and get them to sell all my investments and disperse all my assets in the Big Apple first.

100th Vision:
Trump (the neverending bark): How dare the Republican governor of New Mexico condemn me for making a radioactive wasteland of most of the country and most of the planet?
Get on the phone to the Pentagon and tell them to nuke the state of New Mexico. But pull any investments I might have in the Santa Fe Railway first.

665th Vision:
Trump (still hot under his dog collar and barking wildly): How dare the State of Hawaii vote to secede from the Union saying that it’s now governed by a lunatic tyrant worse than Nero and Caligula put together?
Get on the phone to the Pentagon and tell them to nuke Honolulu. But sell any real estate and property I might hold in Hawaii first.
666th Vision: How dare the Pentagon refuse my orders to nuke Hawaii saying that there’s not much left of the U.S.A. ? Is it my fault that there’s so many damned traitors to the Commander-In-Chief living in this country? I’m trying to be Presidential about this.
Get on the phone to the Pentagon and tell them to go nuke themselves. And that’s an order. If they refuse to go nuke themselves, they’re loosing their Armed Forces pensions.

(The resulting atomic mushroom cloud appearing over the Pentagon expands and falls all over Washington D.C. taking the entire city including the White House and Oval Office with its barking and raging occupant Donald Trump with it)
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday June 1st
2016.

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Limerick About Recep Tayyip Erdogan

May 21, 2016 at 6:46 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, News) (, , , , , , )

Limerick About Recep Tayyip Erdogan

A man called Recep had sex with a goat
And did it on an ermine skin coat
so say German comics
on modern electronics
as Merkel leaps for their throat

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The Frog and Angela Merkel

March 14, 2015 at 8:34 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, News, Satire, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

The Frog and Angela Merkel

German Chancellor Angela Merkel told her secretary that she’d be spending the day at a spa to get herself rejuvenated.

After spending a pleasant time at the spa, she went to a quiet Berlin restaurant to have dinner.

She ordered the soup and salad.

The waiter brought her the potato soup.

Just then, Mrs. Merkel received a call on her mobile.

She noticed it was from Barack Obama.

She stepped outside on to the patio balcony to take the call undisturbed.

“Yes, Mr. President,” the Chancellor spoke into the phone.

“Hi Madame Chancellor, I’m just phoning you for some advice,” President Obama said, “I was wondering if you’d think Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu would take it as a personal insult if I sent him as a gift some Bavarian smoked sausages made with pork instead of beef?”.

“Well yes,” Mrs. Merkel replied, “I would think Mr. Netanyahu would very much take it as a personal insult.”

“Thanks, Madame Chancellor,” President Obama then got on the other line to his U.S.Secretary of State John Kerry, “By all means, send the Bavarian smoked sausages made with pork as a pre-election gift to Prime Minister Netanyahu this coming Israeli election night eve.”

German Chancellor Angela Merkel then went back to her soup.

A little green frog leapt out of her soup.

“Waiter, there was a frog in my soup,” Mrs. Merkel called out to the waiter.

“A frog?” The waiter was surprised, “Don’t you mean a fly?”.

“Ribbit, ribbit,” the frog said as he sat on the table.

. . .

The German Chancellor’s personal secretary entered her office that night and was surprised to see the very young looking and very beautiful ancient Babylonian Vampiress Lilith sitting in the Chancellor’s chair at her desk.

She wore a very low-cut beige evening dress that showed off her cleavage quite well.

“Well fuck me wild and senseless, Madame Chancellor, ” Mrs. Merkel’s male personal secretary exclaimed, “but that day at the spa really did you a world of good.”

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday March 14th
2015.

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Greek Election Results

January 26, 2015 at 6:46 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

Greek Election Results

“European Union bureaucrats in Brussels and German Chancellor Angela Merkel have no doubt had to change their underpants after hearing the news that Alexis Tsipras’ anti-austerity Syriza Party have won yesterday’s national elections in Greece…” The BBC radio news announcer intoned.

“The thought of Angela Merkel’s underwear. Now there’s a mental image that really discombobulates the mind,” Renfield R. Renfield put down his copy of the unabridged edition of Machiavelli’s The Prince.

“Do you suppose Greece will leave the Eurozone?” Amadeus Emanon asked Renfield.

“They might,” Renfield replied as he imagined finding a piggy bank stuffed with old Greek drachma coins.

“All this talk of Greece is making me feel hungry for feta cheese, black olives and roast lamb,” Amadeus licked his lips.

“I suppose you feel like eating out at a Greek restaurant tonight,” Renfield checked a restaurant app on his iPhone.

“I do,” Amadeus nodded.

“That’s good,” Renfield smiled, “it will give me a chance to look at the menu and repeat that old line from Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar, ‘It’s all Greek to me’. ”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday January 26th
2015.

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Magog’s New Mission Impossible

November 4, 2013 at 8:24 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, News, Politics, Satire, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , )

Welsh werewolf British Labour MP Magog Rhys Petley was in his House of Commons office drinking from a bottle of brandy.

 

 

The phone rang.

 

 

It was German Chancellor Angela Merkel.

 

“Madame Chancellor,” Magog was shocked, “I hope you’re not calling from your mobile phone.”

 

 

“No, Herr Magog,” the Chancellor replied, “I’m calling from a secure line.”

 

“That’s good,” Magog wiped his brow.

 

“Have you checked your mail today?” Mrs. Merkel asked.

 

“Not yet,” Magog replied.

 

“Check and see if you’ve got something from a company called Odin Insurance in Munich,” the Chancellor directed.

 

Magog sifted through his mail.

 

“I do in fact,” Magog stated.

 

“Open it,” the Chancellor directed.

 

Inside was a handwritten note to U.S. President Barack Obama from the German Chancellor.

 

Magog read it and gulped.

 

“I take it being the curious snoop you are, you’ve read the message,” the Chancellor laughed.

 

Looking out the window of his office, Magog could see a curious cat touch a live electrical wire and then fall to the ground dead from electrocution.

 

“Well… um… ” Magog stammered.

 

“It’s all right, Magog,” the Chancellor laughed, “now I want you to go to Washington D. C.  and deliver that message in person to President Obama.”

 

“But why me?” Magog protested, “Why not one of your diplomats or a member of the Bundestag?”.

 

 

“Because they’re all under surveillance by the CIA,” the Chancellor explained, “but no one would bother to pay much attention to a drunken backbench Opposition politician who’s failed abysmally on 3 different peace missions to the Middle East.”

 

 

“Thanks for the vote of confidence, Chancellor,” Magog took a sip from his bottle of brandy.

 

 

“You’re welcome, Magog,” the Chancellor replied, “will you do it?”.

 

 

“Call me crazy,” Magog noted the werewolf hairs starting to emerge on his human skin, “but I’ll do it.”

 

 

“That’s great,” the Chancellor sounded pleased, “now if you excuse me, I see I’ve got a call from Sarah Palin coming in on my mobile.”

 

 

“Sarah Palin?” Magog asked the

now empty receiver.

 

 

 

 

                        .           .           .

 

 

 

 

The NSA official doing the surveillance spilled tea and canned Alaskan salmon all over himself when he noticed the name coming up on the mobile.

 

 

 

 

 

To be continued.

 

 

 

 

 

-A vampire novel chapter

  written by Christopher

  Monday November 4th

  2013

 

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Is The U.S. Spying On German Chancellor Angela Merkel’s Mobile Phone?

October 23, 2013 at 8:11 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Is The U. S. Spying On German Chancellor Angela Merkel’s Mobile Phone?

“The United States is not monitoring and will not monitor the communications of the Chancellor,” White House spokesman Jay Carney told the media assembled in the White House briefing room.

. . .

“That’s very true,” Renfield R. Renfield said as he looked at the TV screen.

The shapeshifting hamster/human chief of security for the London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set suddenly noticed a red button light up in the computer monitoring room he was in at Set’s colossal West London mansion.

“Ah, another call coming in,” Renfield smiled.

Renfield put on his headphones.

It was Russian President Vladimir Putin phoning the German Chancellor asking on behalf of the Kremlin chef if he could have Mrs. Merkel’s personal recipe for homemade German sausages and sauerkraut.

Mrs. Merkel gave the Russian President the recipe.

When the conversation ended, Renfield stopped the recording.

Since he could not speak German himself, Renfield phoned a lusty, sexy and voluptuous blonde German dominatrix he often visited whenever he was in Berlin.

Renfield played the recording for Helga.

Helga translated.

Renfield wrote everything down.

He then phoned the NSA (U.S. National Security Agency) in Washington D.C. and passed on the pertinent information.

“It’s fun being a freelancer now and again,” Renfield smiled as he looked at his cheque from the U.S. government.

He better hurry out and cash it down at the bank just on the off-chance that the U.S. Congress might do something extraordinarily stupid in the next 24 hours and send the American economy into a tailspin and dry up U.S. government revenues.

. . .

America’s First Lady Michelle Obama was on the phone talking to the White House chef making final arrangements for a special upcoming dinner at the White House.

“Oh and one more thing,” Mrs. Obama looked at the piece of paper in front of her, “I just got this new recipe for homemade German sausages and sauerkraut…”

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday October 23rd
2013

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