The Dog Days of August

August 19, 2021 at 10:16 pm (History, Short stories, Short Story) (, , , , , , , , )

It was on this date (August 19th) back in 14 AD that the Roman Emperor Caesar Augustus kicked the bucket (having successfully crossed off Become Ruler of the Known World on his bucket list).

Rumours abounded at the time that he had been poisoned by his wife the Empress Livia.

. . .

“What is this?” Caesar Augustus asked his wife Livia.

“Your favourite,” Livia smiled as she handed him the plate, “Roasted mushrooms.”

“Where are the food tasters?” Augustus looked around.

“I gave them the night off,” Livia poured herself a goblet of wine.

“Gave them the night off?” Augustus’ face turned ashen white (If a Marxist Critical Race Theory professor of Classics and Ancient History had been there, he or she or it (if they belonged to the category of gender confused in the Alphabet Soup community) would have called Caesar Augustus out as the supreme example of white privilege).

Caesar Augustus ate the mushrooms.

“I don’t feel so well,” Caesar Augustus wiped his brow.

“I brought you some nice looking grapes,” Livia put a bowl of delicious looking grapes down in front of Augustus.

“They do look good,” Augustus noted.

He had one.

And another.

And then another…

Until he had finished them all.

“I think I’m dying,” Caesar Augustus stated.

“I’m not surprised,” Livia answered, “I put enough poison in those mushrooms and grapes to kill a horse.”

At that moment a horse neighed loudly from the stables before finally biting the dust.

Both Augustus and horse passed into the midsts of Sheol.

And the dog star Sirius continued on its merry way.

Livia when she was younger before she became Roman Empress and a terrible cook.

-A short story
written by Christopher
Thursday August 19th
2021.

Permalink 10 Comments