Pan Goatee Beheads Non-Social Distancing Uglos

April 24, 2020 at 10:34 pm (Aesthetics, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, Short play, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

Pan Goatee Beheads Non-Social Distancing Uglos

Genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee was awakened by the sound of a bunch of cars honking.

Some bozos in the neighbourhood decided to celebrate some stupid occasion by driving around in dozens of cars honking their horns.

All because people could no longer meet in groups above 15 due to the dictates of Alberta Premier Jason Fat Boy Kenney’s ugly looking female Provincial Health Officer.

How did he ever miss out on beheading her?

Probably because he’d never visited the provincial capital of Edmonton he deduced in Sherlockian fashion.

Goatee looked out the window and vomited all over the coffee table when he saw a whole bunch of ugly looking females standing up and down the block (not practicing social distancing either- the ugly looking airheads) waving signs with stupid slogans.

Goatee reached for his astral laser machete and went running down the block beheading the ugly looking females en masse.

He approached one ugly looking school girl.

“You know what the trouble with ugly looking kids is?” Goatee explained as he lopped the young uglo’s head off, “they grow up to be ugly looking adults.” 

“You’ll no longer have to worry about following the WHO’s social distancing regulations ever again,” Goatee remarked to one ugly looking mother as he decapitated her.

Later that day, Alberta’s ugly looking female Provincial Health Officer addressing her daily news conference while this time wearing a paper bag over her head (because there were rumours that Pan Goatee was in the provincial capital) told the social distancing media that she had several non-Covid 19 deaths to report, “Several females in our province have been beheaded today because they were ugly. Returning once again to our daily Covid-19 death count…”

On-line bookies and on-line gamblers waited with baited breath to see who would win today’s jackpot for having correctly predicted the exact number of Covid-19 deaths in the province for the day.

. . .

Down in Las Vegas Nevada, Ares the Greek god of war and Thor the Norse god of thunder had the entire city to themselves since all the casinos, lounges, bars, restaurants and wedding chapels were now closed to mortal humans.

Desert coyotes and road runners were outside the buildings running amuck in city streets.

Ares and Thor after having finished off all the liquor and booze in the Bellagio Hotel and Casino were now starting on all the booze and liquor at the Caesars Palace Hotel and Casino.

Ares (drinking a Corona with lime): Say what’s the number of recoveries from Covid-19?

Thor (drinking a bottle of tequila with half a worm in it): What?

Ares: The number of recoveries from Covid-19. They’re always talking about the number of cases of Covid-19. The number of deaths from Covid-19. How come they never give the number of recoveries from Covid-19?

Thor: I don’t know. Do I look like the fucking Director-General of WHO?

Ares (putting on a pair of glasses he had swiped from the hotel’s sole remaining security guard who had died after injecting Lysol household disinfectant directly into his lungs on the recommendation of U.S. President Donald Trump) : No, you don’t look like the sort of person who would give Xi Jinping blow jobs.

Thor: That’s because I’m not.

Ares: What will happen if people are quarantined in their homes all across the planet for the next 18 months to 2 years like so many scientific experts are suggesting but no political leader seems to want to mention?

Thor (making himself a lime Margarita) : I don’t know. A lot of people will go insane I guess.

Ares: And what about the economy? It will totally collapse won’t it? What will happen to agriculture? The food supply? People are going to start dropping dead of hunger aren’t they? 

Thor (warming up a frozen plate of Hors d’oeuvres in the lounge microwave) : Oh, probably.

Ares: How am I going to be able to start any wars if people are dead?

Thor: Well maybe you better go start a war before a whole bunch of people start dying from the pandemic or dying from hunger.

Ares (hiccoughing) : An excellent suggestion. I think I’ll go do that now.

(Ares stumbles his way outside where he’s then run over by a road runner)

-A vampire novel chapter
and short play 
written by Christopher
Friday April 24th
2020.

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Aphrodite At Oxford

February 3, 2020 at 11:47 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mythology, Romance, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

Aphrodite At Oxford 

The Greek goddess Aphrodite writing her term paper on the Native American myths surrounding the origins of the North American Plains Buffalo

The Greek goddess Aphrodite had recently returned from the town of Stettler, Alberta, Canada where she had been researching Cree and Blackfoot indigenous myths on the origins of the North American Plains Buffalo.

She was putting the finishing touches on her term paper for the class she was taking in World Mythology and Folklore.

The class was taught by Prof. William Charles an Associate Professor of Mythology, Folklore, Vampirism, Lycanthropy and Paranormal Studies at Oxford.

His class was extremely popular and hard to get into.

Nevertheless the Greek goddess Aphrodite when visiting Prof. William Charles in his office before the start of this semester was able to convince the famed supernaturalist into letting her into class even though she had no previous formal education.

The subject Underwater Basketweaving While Emerging From A Giant Oyster Shell On The Beaches of Cyprus wasn’t considered a valid academic course in the view of Oxford University.

Although it was recognized by most American colleges and universities as such in order to get the best high school athletes into their college football and basketball programs.

But after a little gentle persuasion from Aphrodite, the famed supernaturalist let the goddess into his class.

Outside the window of the Greek goddess Aphrodite’s dorm room, the Greek god Ares was endeavouring to get inside as he hadn’t seen his sometime girlfriend ever since she started at Oxford.

It just so happened that strolling along the grounds between the various halls and dormitories was the Celtic stag god Cernunnos with his trusted crossbow and arrow (that he used to kill deer hunters).

Cernunnos was heading to an Oxford artists’ studio where he would be posing as a model and subject for Oxford art students to draw and paint.

The original model scheduled for today’s art session had been an Australian named Uncle Ernie (who had once modelled for Salvador Dali).

But Uncle Ernie had been arrested at London’s Heathrow Airport earlier today for trying to enter the country illegally.

When the totally nude and jock less Uncle Ernie had approached the female UK Customs and Immigration officer and said, “I have nothing to declare”, the agent looking at the body parts Uncle Ernie was trying to cover said that she wholeheartedly agreed but nonetheless facial recognition had determined that Uncle Ernie was on Interpol’s watch list of “characters of dubious reputation and ill repute”.

Within seconds, Uncle Ernie found himself on the floor in handcuffs.

Meanwhile back at the Quad on Oxford, Cernunnos had shot the Greek god Ares in the backside with an arrow.

The resulting commotion and screaming caused Aphrodite to open her dorm window which sent Ares plummeting to the Quad grounds below.

Seeing as how Ares was an Olympian immortal, all he would suffer on this day was a pain in the neck and a pain in the backside.

Aphrodite meanwhile grabbed her finished term paper and headed to Prof. William Charles’ office.

The two spent hours long into the Oxonian night discussing the Native American myth of how the great horned buffalo came to be.

-A vampire novel chapter 
written by Christopher
Monday February 3rd 
2020

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Self-Proclaimed Meteorologist and Hurricane Expert Donald Trump Wants To Be Cool

September 10, 2019 at 11:00 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Romance, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Self-Proclaimed Meteorologist and Hurricane Expert Donald Trump Wants To Be Cool

Ares the Greek god of war, Thor the Norse god of thunder and Morrigan the Irish Celtic goddess of war were sitting in a bar drowning their sorrows.

They had spent the past few years working together to start a major global conflict to help alleviate their boredom.

Now one of their best hopes for starting a global conflict- John Bolton- had resigned as National Security Advisor to Donald Trump.

Trump claimed he had asked Bolton to resign.

And Bolton said no- that he had offered his resignation first before Trump asked him to resign.

But the three deities didn’t care which came first- the chicken or the egg.

All they cared about was the fact Bolton had resigned.

A man who wanted war with North Korea, Venezuela and Iran.

But now he was gone.

As the three broke into the song of Roll Out The Barrel (set to the tune of a Soviet leader has just come down with a common cold and therefore will be dead in another 24 hours Radio Moscow Cold War era funeral dirge), the Norse trickster god Loki walked by wearing a t-shirt that said AYATOLLAHS FOR MARGARET ATWOOD.

“Hey,” Loki pointed out, “instead of blubbering away over Bolton’s resignation, you should be working overtime to ensure Bibi Netanyahu is elected Prime Minister of Israel next week. He’s your next best hope for starting a major conflict.”

The three rushed to the airport to book a flight to Israel.

“Well, I did advise Bibi last night that he should annex the Jordan Valley and the northern Dead Sea,” Morrigan remarked to the other two deities as she got into the taxi to the airport and suddenly noticed that she had a run in her pantyhose.

Meanwhile Donald Trump was dreaming about being a weatherman.

Trump tweeted, “It will be a beautiful sunny day today. Absolutely no chance of precipitation whatsoever.”

As the U.S. Coast Guard came into sight of a boat carrying a group of U.S. National Weather Service meteorologists who were sailing to safety in the area which had just been hit by the worst flooding and precipitation in over a century – the same area where Trump had tweeted calling for a totally sunny day, the Coast Guard fired a warning shot across the bow of the boat carrying the meteorologists to safety.

“This is your final warning,” a Coast Guard spokesman called out through a bull horn, “do not tweet out…. Repeat… Do not tweet out… tweets that contradict the most recent tweets of America’s Twitterer-In-Chief… This is your final warning…”

Trump then dreamed of meeting a genie who would grant him 3 wishes.

Trump’s first wish was, “I wish I was actually and truly cool like British MP Renfield R. Renfield is.”

Trump then dreamed he saw a news clip of himself addressing the news media and singing a paraphrased version of an old Harry Belafonte song,

“Hey Mr. Taliban, kissy my banana,
you blow up people and you want to do more….”

“Wow, I am cool like Renfield,” Trump smiled, “I’d be totally incapable of coming up with a song like that on my own.”

Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster (who had just entered Trump’s dream) held up a sign that read I CANNOT DISAGREE.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher 
Tuesday September 10th
2019.


Morrigan the Irish Celtic goddess of war before hearing the news that John Bolton had resigned

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Venus In Furs

August 3, 2019 at 8:44 pm (Humour, Mythology, Poetry) (, , )

Venus In Furs

It was a night 
With much in sight 
And Ares danced
In Paris France

Temperatures were hot 
So no fox trot
Cannot do the rumba
Because of sidewalk gumba

A tango would sizzle
So leave it for drizzle 
To dance in puddles
With Gene Kelly cuddles 

Those disco nights 
would burst one’s tights 
And definitely no wind
To fly one’s kites

It’s quite the heat wave 
no night for a rave
Temperatures soar
like furnace roar

Humidity heat
To Dante’s inferno beat
A night to sweat 
Don’t walk your pet

Sidewalk egg will fry
And the hen will sigh
Fahrenheit is really high 
The fan will soon die

From overwork
It’s quite the quirk
Ice from soda jerk
Beams up James Kirk

A night you won’t forget
Like a Hellbound jet
Sauna rooms to let
Still vacant yet

And so Ares does dance
In Paris France
Minus his pair of pants
Saying take a chance

Meanwhile in her room 
On a night of doom 
Aphrodite wears 
More than perfume

Greek goddess Aphrodite goes totally insane:

Venus in furs

-A poem written by Christopher
Saturday August 3rd
2019
Inspired by the recent heat wave 
hitting Europe

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Pan Goatee Saves Food Bank Patrons From Ravenous Elephants While Acheronus The Centaur Wreaks Havoc In Vienna

July 28, 2019 at 10:59 pm (Aesthetics, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , )

Pan Goatee Saves Food Bank Patrons From Ravenous Elephants While Acheronus The Centaur Wreaks Havoc In Vienna

The heroic genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee was walking by a food bank when he noticed a medium sized fat ugly blimp helping herself to a whole bunch of food while genuinely hungry looking patrons looked on in agony and anguish.

“So we have laissez-faire ultra- capitalism in America and apparently laissez-faire ultra-porkism in Calgary,” Goatee unsheathed his astral laser machete from his belt, “something should really be done about this.”
Goatee immediately beheaded the medium sized fat ugly blimp.

“No need for you to be fatter and uglier than you already are,” Goatee kicked the head away.

He was immediately applauded by the famished looking food bank patrons.

“God bless us, everyone,” said a famished but now happy looking Tiny Tom on crutches.

Goatee left the area of the food bank, went into a store to buy some items and then headed out down the street.

This time an even fatter fat ugly blimp was waddling down the street in the direction of the food bank.

“Who’s going to save us from the pestilence of ultra-porkism which seems to be striking this land?” Goatee shouted towards the heavens as he once again unsheathed his astral laser machete, “It appears it takes a satyr to do a mortal’s job.”

Goatee immediately beheaded this particular fat ugly blimp and once again saved the city’s most vulnerable from the ravages of famine and porcine greed.

The ghost of the German Count Ferdinand Graf von Zeppelin appeared to Goatee and thanked the satyr serial killer for ridding the world of these repulsive and hideous looking creatures who were giving blimps a bad name.

Ditto! from the President of Goodyear Tires.

. . .

The evil Centaur archer Acheronus had been named after Acheron the river of woe that flowed through the Greek underworld of Hades.

Acheronus was the antithesis of Chiron the good centaur archer.

Acheronus often slew people on behalf of the ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith as well as Allatallahbel the Vampiress Priestess of Baal who had recently seized control of the Vatican.

Today Acheronus was working for Ares the Greek god of war.

A meeting was being held today in Vienna Austria to see if the talks on Iran’s nuclear program couldn’t be kick started.

Ares of course held Roy Cohn’s pretty boy Donald Trump in the palms of his hands.

After carefully washing his hands in the Atlantic Ocean and Mediterranean Sea before heading up to Austria, Ares made a Huawei phone call to Acheronus the evil centaur.

Being a Huawei, the phone call was naturally monitored by the Black Dragon who was the supernatural entity advisor to China’s paramount leader Xi Jinping.

Acheronus had brought the Greek mind reader Yuxen with him to Vienna to read the minds of important delegates at the Vienna meeting.

Those delegates who secretly favoured war Acheronus would spare from his poisonous bow and arrow.

Those delegates who secretly favoured peace Acheronus would slay with his poisonous bow and arrow.

Acheronus had brought the woman seer and clairvoyant Yuxen along to read the minds of the delegates at the Vienna meeting and see where they stood on the issues of war and peace.

One of the concierges at Vienna’s best hotel had put in a phone call to the hotel manager.

“A centaur is running around the hotel lobby and conference rooms slaying people with his bow and arrows,” said the concierge.

“I hate it when that happens,” the hotel manager buried his head in his hands.

Meanwhile on the banks of the Danube, a small orchestra was playing The Blue Danube Waltz by Johann Strauss.

Just for something to do, Acheronus slew the conductor with one of his poisoned arrows.

The conductor died on the spot despite the fact that a Vienna music critic was in the process of writing a rave review about his efforts.

The ghost of the late Soviet dictator Josef Stalin (who had managed to slip out of Tartarus and the underworld realm of Hades by throwing Cerberus three very juicy bones) then stood up on the platform and began to conduct the orchestra in a musical melody that he Stalin had written.

The name of the musical non-masterpiece was The Red Danube (red as in blood red).

-A vampire novel chapter 
written by Christopher
Sunday July 28th
2019.

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Miranda Singh Encounters The Greek God Ares

June 10, 2019 at 9:32 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, Romance, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Miranda Singh Encounters The Greek God Ares


Miranda Singh is stopped on the steps of a Jerusalem shopping mall by the Greek god Ares

As Miranda Singh the Executive Secretary to the London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set walked up the steps of a Jerusalem shopping mall, she was suddenly approached from behind by Ares the Greek god of war.

“Stop,” Ares had said to her, “Is it true that you have the invisibility bracelets of the goddess Kali in your possession?”.

As Ares moved in closer, Miranda kicked him down the stairs with one of her spiked stilettos where the Greek war deity hit his head on the sidewalk when he reached the bottom of the stairs.

He was immediately sent to cuckoo-land.

The Olympian dreamed that he was in a clockmaker’s shop in Switzerland where the clock maker was making a clock where Donald Trump came out by the hour and said, “Cuck-hoo! Cuck-hoo!”.

Miranda Singh had been given the heads up by her employer Set that she might be approached by a Greek deity.

Apparently Set Enterprises’ Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster had received a vision that the deities of Mount Olympus were very interested in the upcoming Middle East security summit that would be held in Israel between the Israeli, U.S. and Russian national security advisors.

Miranda Singh would be covertly attending the summit by wearing the invisibility bracelets of the goddess Kali.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday June 10th 
2019.

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The Irish Celtic Goddess Morrigan In Ukraine On Saint Andrew’s Day

November 30, 2018 at 11:59 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, Poetry, Romance, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )


The Irish Celtic Goddess Morrigan In Ukraine On Saint Andrew’s Day

The Irish Celtic Goddess Morrigan awaited war
War between Russia and Ukraine
The Celtic goddess of War stood there
Alongside Ares the Greek god of war
And Thor the Norse god of thunder

They stood in the woods not far from Voronkiv
the village home to Metropolitan Pavel
Of the Ukrainian Orthodox Church
Of the Patriarchate of Moscow
The home was being raided by the SBU
(Ukraine’s state security service)
Accusing Metropolitan Pavel of inciting religious hostility
Because he criticized Patriarch Filaret of the Kiev Patriarchate
Of the newly autocephalous Ukrainian Orthodox Church
Recently recognized by the Patriarch of Constantinople

But Metropolitan Pavel was not at his home in Voronkiv
He was at Kiev-Pechersk Lavra Monastery
Where he was the Father-Superior
Kiev-Pechersk Lavra Monastery the monastery of the caves
The caves which held perfectly preserved bodies of monastic saints
Whose fame was known throughout the entire Czarist Russian Empire
And as such inspired Lenin to have his body preserved in Moscow after death (and after founding the USSR)
to compete with Kiev-Pechersk Lavra Monastery
to show that Marx and Lenin were gods superior to the Christian Holy Trinity
Yet Lenin’s preservation depended on 20th Century mummification techniques
whereas those of the saintly monks of Kiev-Pechersk Lavra monastery were supernaturally preserved

The ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith sent a succubus to the monastery

to seduce Pavel and prepare the way for war
Pavel asked for the intercession of Saint Nicholas II
(Russia’s last Czar who in the last few months of his life
had come to believe that Mary the Mother of Jesus
had indeed appeared at Fatima Portugal from May to October 1917
And had asked the Church and the world to pray
for the Consecration and conversion of Russia)
To pray in the Communion of Saints in Heaven
that he be given the strength to withstand
the temptation of the succubus

Meanwhile in the forest near Voronkiv
a black jaguar with silver eyes had attacked both Ares and Thor
Possessed of a mighty supernatural strength he wounded both these deities
Morrigan fled through the woods to escape the jaguar
She succeeded
The black jaguar was nowhere to be seen

Then she heard a forlorn howl
The Irish Celtic Goddess Morrigan turned her head

And there stood a white wolf with blue eyes
gazing at her
His eyes were hypnotic
Morrigan slowly took her dress off
And lay back in the autumn grasses of Ukraine
on Saint Andrew’s Day
The wolf turned into a handsome naked man
Who mounted her,

“Adonais Lupine!” The succubus in the chapel of the monastery shrieked

The best laid plans of Lilith and three ancient deities for war
Had seemingly gone astray.

-A poem and vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday November 30th 2018.

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Encore of Dracul, Aphrodite and Ares

May 31, 2018 at 9:14 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

Here’s a vampire novel chapter I wrote almost a year ago:

Dracul Van Helsing

When Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing returned to his office at MI-6 Diablos Nocturna Division Headquarters, he was surprised to see the Greek goddess Aphrodite sitting there waiting for him.

“Aphrodite,” Dracul said, “What a pleasant surprise. Have you brought more news about Hephaestus?”.

“No,” Aphrodite shook her head, “Hephaestus has given up building missiles for North Korea’s Kim Jong-un. He’s now working on building incredible machines for a steampunk genre sci-fi film about Jack the Ripper escaping down the Thames River in a submarine.”

“I’ll have to see that movie when it comes out,” said Dracul.

“Have you seen the new Wonder Woman film?” Aphrodite asked.

“Not yet,” said Dracul, “but I’d like to. It sounds like an excellent film judging from the reviews. It’s set against the background of the First World War which I’ve recently started studying. The First World War is often overshadowed by World…

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Agamemnon and Putin

February 27, 2018 at 11:00 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

Agamemnon and Putin

King Agamemnon of Mycenae was well aware that his brother Menelaus the king of Sparta was pissed.

That horny young Trojan stud Paris had run off with Menelaus’ wife Helen and had taken her back to Troy with him.

Menelaus was anxious to wage war on the Trojans.

Agamemnon wasn’t sure whether it was right to sack an entire city over the loss of one woman.

Possibly negotiations could be done with Troy and Helen could be sent back to Sparta peacefully to receive her punishment.

Ares the god of war however had different ideas.

He thought it was about time for a major global war which would result in bloodshed and great loss of life.

Ares decided to tempt Agamemnon into war.

He presented Agamemnon with visions of the immense treasures that Troy possessed.

“If you wage war on the Trojans and sack this city, all these treasures will be yours,” Ares tempted, “make unreasonable demands on the Trojans in your peace offerings. Besides the return of Helen, demand these things…”

Ares gave him a list.

“The Trojans will naturally refuse,” Ares smiled, “and then you can wage war on them. And take all their treasures for yourself.”

“And will you support me in this war?” Agamemnon asked.

“Of course,” Ares promised.

Later of course, Ares would change his mind after Aphrodite the goddess of love gave him an out of this world blow job.

He switched his support to the Trojans as a result of Aphrodite’s oral persuasion.

But in the meantime, Agamemnon was hooked on Ares’ offer.

All those hidden treasures of the Trojans went through his mind.

His mind made up, he decided to go on a deer 🦌 hunt and then make his final decision.

. . .

Russian President Vladimir Putin was reading a report on the situation in Syria.

He had been informed that the ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith was siding with the Turks in northern Syria while the medieval vampire Dracula was siding with the Kurds (against the Transylvanian-Wallachian nobleman’s old enemy the Turks).

Putin rubbed his head.

He had certainly come a long way from being a spy for a state based on atheistic dialectical materialism.

He had been getting loads of supernatural visitors the past few years as well as reading numerous reports of supernatural occurrences in various war zones.

“You should attack Israel 🇮🇱,” said Ares the Greek god of war who was standing in Putin’s office.

“Speak of the devil,” thought Putin who returned back to the present from his musings on the supernatural.

At one time he would have been surprised by the sudden appearance of the Greek god of war in his office but not anymore.

Ares meanwhile had just been given an out of this world blow job by Allatallahbel the Vampiress Priestess of Baal.

He had been promised a lot more if he could get Putin to attack Israel.

So Ares had promptly left Allatallahbel’s boudoir and hurried to Putin’s office.

“Why should I invade Israel?” Putin bit into his kosher smoked meat on rye sandwich.

“To take control of Israel’s hidden treasures,” Ares smiled temptingly.

“What hidden treasures?” Putin asked.

Ares then filled Putin’s mind with visions of Israel’s hidden treasures.

“I didn’t know Israel had such treasures,” Putin finished his kosher smoked meat on rye sandwich.

“It does,” said Ares whose smart phone suddenly went off.

He received a text message from his lover Aphrodite who was busy servicing an 84-year-old man with an inexhaustible mojo who lived in a small fishing 🎣 village in Italy.

“What an unfaithful floozy,” Ares said aloud before heading back to Allatallahbel’s boudoir.

Meanwhile Putin was thinking 🤔 about Ares’ visions of Israel’s hidden treasures.

He would go on a deer 🦌 hunt and then make up his mind.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday February 27th
2018.

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Apollo and Belvedere In PyeongChang

February 11, 2018 at 11:59 pm (Fantasy, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , )

Apollo and Belvedere In PyeongChang

The Greek god Apollo was attending the 2018 Winter Olympics in PyeongChang.

He was hoping to help bring peace to this troubled part of the world.

Ever since he was brought back from the dead last year, he felt that it was his mission to bring peace to this long-suffering world.

Belvedere the ghost of a ghost white salamander who was a reporter for the Times of London had discovered that Apollo was staying at a hotel in PyeongChang and decided to get an exclusive interview with the Greek deity.

A few weeks before in London when his editors found out that Belvedere knew nothing whatsoever about sports, they immediately assigned him to cover the PyeongChang Winter Olympics.

In Apollo’s room, Belvedere introduced himself.

Apollo agreed to the interview as the Olympian deity thought it might be kind of cool 😎 to be interviewed by the ghost of a ghost white salamander.

Of course Belvedere had not always been like that.

He had once been human having worked as a bartender on Wild West dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes’ Wild Tomatoes and Mushroom Saloon in the Wild West town of Hayden Colorado back in the 1880s.

He had been turned into a ghost white salamander by a time traveling enchantress.

And shortly afterwards, he was run over and killed by a caravan covered wagon heading west whereupon he became the ghost of a ghost white salamander.

Apollo gave Belvedere some of his own background – the background not covered in most classical mythology textbooks.

When the Temple of Apollo at Delphi was destroyed by the Emperor Theodosius the Great in 390 AD, Apollo became severely depressed.

So depressed in fact that he started having suicidal thoughts and of course being an immortal, it was rather difficult to commit suicide.

He happened to run into the ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith and Apollo told her of his misery.

Lilith happened to have in her possession some poisoned Babylonian grapes 🍇 that were capable of killing an immortal so she gave Apollo some and he promptly died in the year 390 AD.

Apollo was buried on Mount Parnassus after his death and his tomb became lost to both god and man after a small quake shook Mount Parnassus.

Then in the year 2012 AD on the night of the summer solstice that year just after sundown, Apollo’s tomb on Mount Parnassus was discovered by the French archaeologist vampire Dr. Pompidou De Gaulle (whose archaeological expeditions were sponsored by the Egyptian vampiress Isis).

Apollo’s father Zeus thereupon came out of the shadows where he had been since his son’s death and tried to find somebody who could bring Apollo back from the dead.

Then in December 2016 Zeus met Set Enterprises’ chief scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher and asked him if he could find an antidote to the poisonous Babylonian grapes 🍇 of Lilith and bring his son Apollo back from the dead.

In early January 2017, Dr. Rocher succeeded in bringing Apollo back from the dead.

Returned to life, Apollo thought it should be his mission to bring peace to the world- something difficult to do in a world where the likes of Donald Trump and Kim Jong-un were in power.

Making it even more difficult, Apollo’s brother Ares (the Greek god of war) was hopping back and forth between different spots on the planet sowing conflict and wars.

And Ares was doing it in earnest, very ticked off at the fact that his role in starting and trying to continue the First World War had been exposed in a movie 🎥 that came out last year- Wonder Woman with Gal Gadot.

Then in a further troubling development, Apollo’s brother Hephaestus (the Greek god of metalworking and the forge) had started building ballistic missiles for Kim Jong-un last year making for successful ballistic missile tests that ticked off Donald Trump and caused the latter to tweet even more than he did.

“So given this environment,” Belvedere scribbled with his ghostly pen in his ghostly notebook 📓, “how do you intend to bring peace to this region?”.

“Well,” Apollo poured some Red Bull energy drink into his glass of ambrosia, “I’ve met with Kwan Yin who is an immortal princess worshipped as the Buddhist Goddess of Mercy and compassion here in Asia and discussed my plans with her. In fact, Kwan Yin met with Kim Yo-jong the sister of Kim Jong-un in this very hotel last night.”

“I heard about that,” Belvedere chewed on his ghostly pen with his ghostly white salamander mouth, “Speaking of which, do you know anything about an attack that occurred in this hotel last night in which a satyr was bitten by a blue-eyed white wolf?”.

“No, I hadn’t heard about that,” Apollo sipped his ambrosia-Red Bull hybrid drink, “I didn’t know there were any satyrs left in the world since the death of Pan 2000 years ago.”

“I wonder if Dr. Cadbury Rocher has revived any,” Belvedere spilled ghostly blue ink all over his ghostly white suit.

At that moment, Apollo’s sister Artemis Diana entered the hotel room wearing a metallic short skirt and looking like Gal Gadot’s twin sister.

“Apollo dear,” Artemis spoke, “it’s Ares. He’s trying full blast to start a war between the Israelis and the Syrians.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday February 11th
2018.

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