₱an Goatee Beheads Thin Ugly Stoat While Cerberus ₱ursues A Tartarus Esca₱ee and Artemis Observes I₱higenia Style Human Sacrifice In Bohemian Grove
The Greek goddess Artemis disguised as a blonde watching an I₱higenia style human sacrifice being ₱erformed in the Bohemian Grove
Artemis disguised as a blonde watches the sacrifice being ₱erformed to her in the Bohemian Grove
Greek Goddess Artemis and Dracul Slay Nazi Vam₱ire Franz Kohler
All Hallows Eve
It’s All Hallows Eve The night they call Halloween And the Greek goddess Artemis was dressed as a witch
Dracul Van Helsing a₱₱roached her Does it ever get lonely being a goddess he asked her It does, she said, very lonely. And so you’re immortal by drinking ambrosia? Dracul asked. Yes, she answered. Have you ever thought what would ha₱₱en if you sto₱₱ed drinking ambrosia? Dracul wanted to know. I’ve thought about it, Artemis smoothed her skirt, but then I don’t want to think about it. So I won’t sto₱ drinking ambrosia. What do you think would ha₱₱en if you didn’t? I don’t know, she answered, and I don’t want to know. The vam₱ire hunter fell silent as did the goddess. Then Artemis s₱oke, What about you, Dracul? Do you ever get lonely? All the time he answered. I’ve been an outsider all my life And I guess I’ll always be an outsider. And I’ve discovered nobody really cares about outsiders They might be interested in what they have to say Or what they have to write Or what they know But nobody really cares about the outsider himself. And how long have you been an outsider? Artemis asked. I first noticed it in Junior High when the teachers asked questions. And nobody raised their hands. But I knew the answers. So I raised my hand. And gave the answers. Not to be a show off. But to give the answers. And that’s when I noticed the contem₱t. The hatred. Heard the insults. It continued into High School. And a boy in Mr. Gavinchuck’s Grade 12 Social Studies Class asked me, How is it you know all the answers to all the questions he asks? The answer was easy. I watched the news every night. Mr. Gavinchuck asked about current events. But nobody else cared. Mr. Johnson my best teacher in High School And my Grade 1O ₱hiloso₱hy teacher and my Grade 1O ₱olitical Science teacher and my Grade 11 Social Studies teacher and my Grade 12 Sociology teacher His Grade 1O ₱olitical Science class was the very first class in High School I ever took in that very first class lesson ₱eriod on that very first morning of that very first
And the University years.
Artemis and The Ghost of W.C. Fields In Paris
The Greek goddess Artemis in Paris
The Greek goddess Artemis was in her Paris hotel room.
Suddenly the ghost of W.C. Fields walked into the room.
“My dear, you look ravishingly beautiful,” W.C. doffed his top hat in her direction.
“Thank you, William,” Artemis stood up, threw open the curtain and gazed at the Eiffel Tower.
“William?” W.C. Fields was starstruck, “I had no idea you knew my first name.”
“I do,” Artemis smiled.
“I once met Joe Biden in the Oval Office,” Fields took a sip from a bottle of gin in one hand and a bottle of vermouth in the other, “and he told me he thought W.C. stood for Water Closet. Thus when he pulled his pants down and asked me to lie directly underneath his squatting legs, I immediately left the room.”
“Joe Biden is an ass,” Artemis stated emphatically.
“That he is, my dear, that he is,” W.C. Fields nodded emphatically, “and many a brown noser has followed that ass.”
“He shot and killed at least two of my sacred deer on a hunting trip last fall,” Artemis’ cheeks turned red with wrath and anger.
“Very sad story, my dear, very sad story,” Fields wiped his eyes with his handkerchief, “It’s enough to make one weep against the breasts of your statue in Ephesus.”
“Is that a vulture flying around the Eiffel Tower?” Artemis asked.
“I believe it is, my dear, I believe it is,” W.C. put on his monocle and looked, “It certainly isn’t my little chickadee.”
“What’s a vulture doing flying around the Eiffel Tower?” Artemis inquired.
“I believe that’s the ghoul vulture of Xi Jinping,” Fields ate a hard boiled egg, “The one who lays thousand-year-old eggs for Communist China’s paramount leader to enjoy at his large festive banquets in the Forbidden Palace.”
“What’s he doing in Paris?” Artemis wondered.
“Well I hear that George Soros’ French poodle Emmanuel Macron is calling on citizens of the Fifth Republic to freeze to death this winter in order to save the planet,” Fields ate some egg foo yung cooked in French champagne, “Perhaps the ghoul vulture of Xi Jinping is awaiting their demise so he can feed on their carcasses to his heart’s content.”
“All so that Xi Jinping can watch a bird lay an egg?” Artemis was incredulous.
“Well Xi has laid many an egg in front of the Beijing Politbureau,” Fields pointed out, “Perhaps he engages in such voyeuristic bird watching activities with vultures as a form of personal relaxation.”
“Nice to see you in Paris, William,” Artemis smiled.
“It’s nice to be in Paris, my dear,” W.C. again doffed his top hat in her direction, “I was debating whether to visit Philadelphia or Houston. I’m glad I didn’t visit Philadelphia as I heard Joe Biden sacrificed some young woman there while he was wearing the crown of King Agamemnon. Then later that evening he gave a Nazi fascist Stalinist Galactic Empire speech. He might want to brush up on his German, Russian and Klingon a little for even greater impact. I’m glad I didn’t visit Houston as they’re still weeping at NASA Mission Control over the two failed Artemis 1 Moon Rocket launches.”
“Believe it or not, William, there is a connection between what happened in Philadelphia and the crying in Houston,” Artemis pointed out.
“There is?” Fields scratched his chin.
“There is,” Artemis pulled a volume of Aeschylus out of her hotel room bookshelf.
The Aeschylus volume was right next to James Fenimore Cooper’s The Deerslayer.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday September 4th
2022.
Pope Francis Adopts Witches’ Calendar To Promote Season of Creation
Samhain Cardinal Salaman was reading the latest directives from Pope Francis.
Pope Francis was ordering that all Vatican linked institutions must turn over their accounts to the Vatican Bank by October 1st 2022.
“What’s up with that?” Cardinal Salaman wondered.
He then read a report from a Vatican Jesuit spy in Washington DC.
According to the Vatican Jesuit spy, Joe Biden sacrificed some unknown young woman to a statue of the Greek goddess Artemis while a NASA big shot named Dr. Nachash Naga sang the Leonard Cohen song Hallelujah.
“I think that particular Jesuit spy must be eating too many magic mushrooms,” Cardinal Salaman sipped his coffee.
He then read another directive from Pope Francis.
Francis had just proclaimed a new season called the Season of Creation which runs from September 1st to October 4th.
Interestingly enough the Southern Hemisphere Spring/Northern Hemisphere Autumn Equinox falls smack dab in the middle of the Season of Creation.
Which leads one to speculate that Pope Francis had borrowed his idea for a Season of Creation from the witches’ wiccan calendar.
Francis seemed to be heavy into practicing witchcraft these days.
A number of years back he had opened a Catholic World Youth Day by carrying a witch’s stang into the assembly.
Back on October 4th 2019 the Pontiff presided over a ceremony in which an idol of the Inca demon goddess Pachamama was brought into the Vatican.
Then on July 27th 2022, Francis listened with his hand over his heart as a Huron-Wendat shaman invoked the Spirit Great Grandmother of the West who was the leader of the Circle of Spirits.
The Spirit Great Grandmother was known by various names such as Spider Grandmother in Navajo, Hopi, Apache and Pueblo traditions. She was the pre-Columbian Teotihuacan Great Goddess. She was called Toci Yoalticitl by the Aztecs. She was called Ixchel by the Mayas.
Samhain Cardinal Salaman fell asleep and dreamed he was visiting a misty marsh he often visited in his boyhood.
In the middle of the misty marsh was a vampiress witch who was celebrating Pope Francis’ new Season of Creation.
-A vampire novel chapter
Written by Christopher
Thursday September 1st
2022.
Joe Biden Asked To Perform An Agamemnon
The Greek goddess Artemis being serenaded by musicians who were brought to life from a mural painting
“Who is Aeschylus?” Vice-President Kamala Harris asked one of her aides.
“He was an ancient Greek playwright who lived from approximately 525 BC to 456 BC and is believed to have written anywhere from 70 to 90 plays,” her aide answered, “He is considered the Father of Tragedy. In fact his ghost is believed to have written the recent Inflation Reduction Act. In fact on the night of April 4th 1968, Bobby Kennedy quoted from Aeschylus while addressing Afro-American voters in Indianapolis, Indiana when he had to break the tragic news to them that the Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King had been assassinated. The Aeschylus quote was this:
“Even in our sleep, pain which cannot forget falls drop by drop upon the heart until, in our own despair, against our will, comes wisdom through the awful grace of God.”
-Aeschylus
“What were some of his plays?” Kamala asked.
“Well he once wrote a trilogy of plays about the family of King Agamemnon of Mycenae the fellow who commanded the Greeks during the Trojan War,” her aide replied, “The trilogy was called The Oresteia named after Orestes who was a son of King Agamemnon.”
“Rather ironic you should be talking about The Oresteia,” remarked a leading high-ranking NASA official as he walked by on his way to the Oval Office to see Joe Biden.
“Ironic? How so?” Kamala inquired.
“That’s on a need to know basis and you don’t need to know,” the NASA official replied.
The FBI agent accompanying the NASA official was a Neo-Bolshevik Communist (like most FBI agents are these days) and did not understand the classical allusions that were being thrown around.
This entire scene was part of a dream (or was it a vision?) being seen by Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster in his lobster tank at Set Enterprises Laboratories in London, England.
The name of the high-ranking NASA official was Dr. Nachash Naga.
He was on an important mission for NASA.
The Artemis 1 moon rocket was supposed to have been launched this past Monday August 29th 2022 but then something happened and the launch was postponed until this Saturday September 3rd 2022.
But even that might be postponed further because of new information that had come up.
Unless…
“Mr. President,” Dr. Nachash Naga addressed the Pooper-In-Chief, “We need you to do something for us.”
“Glad to oblige,” Biden ate a piece of Ex-Lax.
“Mr. President, we have a problem and it isn’t Houston,” Dr. Nachash Naga explained, “Do you remember last fall when you went deer hunting?”.
“Um, I don’t actually,” answered the Pooper-In-Chief who suffered from dementia.
“Well, you shot and killed a deer,” Dr. Nachash Naga pointed out.
“Good for me,” Joe Biden grinned.
“Well that turned out to be a bad thing, Mr. President,” Dr. Nachash Naga hissed, “It turned out that the deer you shot and killed was a deer sacred to the Greek goddess Artemis.”
“Who is Artemis?” Joe Biden looked at a photo of the Belvedere Apollo and wondered if he should invite the sculpted statue to join his cabinet.
“Artemis was the Greek goddess of the hunt and wild animals as well as the Greek goddess of the moon,” Dr. Nachash Naga flashed his incisors, “and as a result of your killing that deer sacred to her, she is preventing the Artemis 1 rocket from being launched.”
“So, what can I do about it?” Joe Biden scratched his diaper rash.
“Well when King Agamemnon of Mycenae slew and killed a deer sacred to Artemis and the goddess prevented the Greek fleet from sailing towards Troy as punishment, Agamemnon was forced to sacrifice his daughter Iphigenia to Artemis to appease her wrath.”
“So what do you want me to do?” Biden put on Kamala Harris’ high school Dunce cap.
“We want you to sacrifice your daughter to Artemis in the next couple of days to appease her wrath so we can get the Artemis 1 moon rocket launched this coming Saturday,” Dr. Nachash Naga began filing his fingernails.
“Can I sniff her hair before I sacrifice her?” Joe Biden asked.
“Of course, Mr. President,” Dr. Nachash Naga looked exasperated.
“Wait,” Joe Biden suddenly had a moment of clarity after taking a Claritin tablet, “Jill might be rather pissed at me if I sacrifice Ashley.”
“Joe, I have a suggestion,” Barack Obama delivered his instructions into Joe’s earpiece as he always did, “Did you ever have any extra marital affairs?”.
“I can’t remember,” Joe was trying to remember the tune of the Bob Hope song Thanks For The Memory.
“Well ask some of your FBI agents to stop sifting through Donald Trump’s underwear and try to track down any extra marital affairs you might have had and any children you might have had particularly girls,” Obama explained, “Then you can sacrifice that daughter from an extra marital affair.”
“Gee, I wonder if any are still alive,” Biden picked his nose, “This is one occasion when I wish I hadn’t been so gung ho for abortion.”
“Just send out the FBI, Joe,” Obama barked, “Find any surviving daughters from those extra marital affairs and just do the damned sacrifice. We’ve got to get to the moon before Vladimir Putin and Jackie Gleason’s wife Alice do.”
Meanwhile in Hunter Biden’s room, he was being visited by the ghost of a beautiful young Greek girl named Electra.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday August 31st
2022.
Of Castros and Other Despots
It was 60 years ago today that the American CIA’s poorly planned and thoroughly botched Bay of Pigs invasion of Cuba took place.
The plan was to drive the Castro Communist government of Cuba out of power.
The Communists are still in power in Cuba today.
And today the American CIA itself (along with the rest of the American Deep State) is now crawling from top to bottom with Neo-Bolshevik Communist ideologues.
Raul Castro the former President of Cuba (and successor to Fidel Castro) used the 60th anniversary of the Bay of Pigs invasion to announce his resignation as leader of Cuba’s Communist Party today.
-Renfield R. Renfield British MP doing his Saturday night podcast from Lord Horatio Nelson’s column atop London’s Trafalgar Square.
. . .
The Bay of Pigs invasion is not the only anniversary to be noted on this April 17th 2021.
It was 39 years ago today on April 17th 1982 that Her Majesty Elizabeth II in her role as Queen of the Dominion of Canada signed into law in Ottawa the new Canadian Constitution that included the Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms.
Today if you click on the link to the Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms at the Government of Canada website, a message pops up that the link to this page you’re looking for is now broken.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Last night Ontario Premier (and for all intensive purposes absolute Fascist dictator) Doug Ford the leader of Canada’s largest province announced the most draconian lockdown measures ever.
Police would be allowed to arbitrarily stop any pedestrian walking the streets or any person driving a vehicle and ask them for their ID papers with home address as well as an explanation of why they’ve left their homes.
Roadblocks and checkpoints had also been set up on Ontario’s borders with the provinces of Manitoba and Quebec to turn back any person deemed unfit to enter the province.
After making the announcement the words I AM AN APOSTLE OF THE ANTICHRIST suddenly appeared written in black and red felt ink on Doug Ford’s forehead and a Lake Ontario Beach Rubbish Cream Pie was thrown in his face by an invisible entity (identified as a 6 foot 8 tall purple coloured bunny rabbit with big pink floppety ears according to a Harvey Wallbanger drinking bystander).
Today Ford announced he was dropping giving police the powers to arbitrarily ask someone for their ID papers and home address and an explanation of why they were outside their homes after an outcry from Ontario’s civil libertarian leaders (of which there were not too many in the Ontario of the Great Reset).
However Ford did offer a caveat “unless police suspected the person might possibly be attending a mass social gathering”.
Given the Nazi Gestapo like mentality or Neo-Bolshevik Communist secret police like mentality of many police officers in Canada (to say nothing of the rest of the Western world), that caveat would be enough to give any power hungry corrupt cop (of which there are far too many in Canada and the Western world) the legal cover he needed to persecute and harass somebody he didn’t like the look of or just didn’t like for whatever reason.
-Renfield R. Renfield British MP broadcasting from above the Canadian High Commission in London, England.
. . .
Prince Philip’s funeral was held at St. George’s Chapel at Windsor Castle today.
As the day gave way to night, the London-based ancient Egyptian vampire Set stood on the grounds of Windsor Castle and paid his respects from a distance.
Set had met the Duke of Edinburgh on a few occasions.
Meanwhile far off in the Canadian province of Alberta, a trio of deities were having a bit of fun.
Thor, Loki and a robotic falcon possessed by the spirit of the Egyptian god Horus had kidnapped a statue of a white unicorn from the small village of Delia, Alberta.
For the past two years, Morgan the Mystical Unicorn had stood in front of an arts and crafts shop in the small village of 215 people.
Then a couple of nights ago, the white unicorn (made of stainless steel) had been stolen.
Today it had been found in a farmer’s field not far from the village.
Its horn had been hammered off and then fitted upside down into the horse’s head.
A cruel thing to do to a statue of a unicorn.
A woman named Delia (she was in fact the Greek goddess Artemis whose epithet Delia meant “Woman born on the island of Delos”) was sure that the three deities’ abduction and smashing and inverting of the horn inside the head of Morgan the Magical Mystical Unicorn was directed at her.
In the form of a message.
A message directed against her.
And somehow connected with the funeral of Philip (since Philip had also been the name of the father of the Macedonian Greek king Alexander the Great).
And the unicorn (along with the lion) had been longstanding symbols of the British monarchy to be found on their coat of arms.
And somehow this tied in with “the little horn of the Book of Daniel” (Daniel Chapter 8 which was seen as a prototype of the Antichrist).
Already Peter Whitstable the man they call the Fox Mulder of Interpol was using an Oxford cryptographer to deciper the message the whole Morgan the Mystical Unicorn abduction from the village of Delia and the horn smashing and inversion intended to convey.
The Greek goddess Artemis: Whose epithet is Delia.
Artemis At The Bank of Monte Carlo
Greek goddess Artemis at the Bank of Monte Carlo
Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing and Peter Whitstable (the man they call the Fox Mulder of Interpol) were trying to break into the vault of the Bank of Monte Carlo.
The reason?
The plans of George Soros, Bill Gates, Xi Jinping, World Economic Forum Chairman Klaus Schwab and the Egyptian deities Osiris and Horus for a totalitarian One World Government were locked away in the vault.
It was fortunate for Van Helsing and Whitstable that the Irish leprechaun Yaldabaoth happened to know the combination for the vault.
Over a month ago, Dracul Van Helsing and the Lakota Sioux Princess Tanaka managed to obtain the combination from Yaldabaoth during a secret meeting in Dublin Ireland.
Sadly at that meeting Yaldabaoth died from food poisoning (from food he recently ate at the Vatican) but only after he had given Van Helsing and Tanaka the combination.
Yaldabaoth’s body was now being kept on ice at the Set Enterprises’ laboratory in London England on the off chance Set Enterprises’ chief scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher might discover a formula for bringing a leprechaun back from the dead.
The only trouble is Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster occasionally crawled out of his aquarium and helped himself to some of the ice (that was preserving Yaldabaoth’s body) in order to add some ice to the glasses of lemonade shandy that he was drinking.
He was severely reprimanded by Sherrielock Holmes for doing this.
A reprimand that Michelangelo seemed to enjoy.
And thus he kept doing it.
But the little Michelangeloian escapades and Yaldabaoth’s preservation were helping to keep London ice makers in business.
Dracul Van Helsing looked at the Chinese fortune cookie slip that Yaldabaoth had given him.
That had the combination to the vault of the Bank of Monte Carlo written on it.
He tried the combination and the vault of the Bank of Monte Carlo opened.
A little groundhog called Monte Carlo Monte Cristo ran out of the vault door after it was opened.
“Do you suppose he saw his shadow?” Van Helsing asked Whitstable as the groundhog ran off into the night.
“Van Helsing,” Whitstable spoke in an exasperated voice, “Never mind the groundhog. Just find the Soros-Gates-Xi-Schwab-Osiris-Horus plans for World Domination.”
“Still it would be nice to know if we had six more weeks of winter,” Van Helsing noted, “After all today is Groundhog Day.”
“The plans, the plans!” Whitstable screamed.
“That reminds me of Tattoo the dwarf on the TV show Fantasy Island saying “The plane! The plane!”.” Van Helsing recalled.
“Just get the fucking plans!” Whitstable cursed.
Van Helsing noticed the plans marked Dante’s Inferno and grabbed them.
Yaldabaoth had said those were the Soros-Gates-Xi-Schwab-Osiris-Horus plans for World Domination.
After Van Helsing had grabbed the plans and stepped outside the vault, he noticed the Greek goddess Artemis sitting on a cushion not far from the vault.
“Well you’re a very naughty boy, Van Helsing,” Artemis smoothed her dress, “Stealing from the vault of the Bank of Monte Carlo. I think you better get across my lap so I can give you a good spanking.”
“I think you’re right,” Van Helsing took his clothes off and lay across Artemis’ knee.
“Van Helsing!” Whitstable screamed, “I think that fleeing groundhog tripped an alarm. The Monte Carlo Police cars seem to be arriving in the distance. Let’s get out of here!”.
“I’ve always got time for a spanking from Artemis,” Van Helsing remarked as the Greek goddess of the hunt began thoroughly walloping his backside with a wooden hairbrush.
The ghost of Orson Welles who had been keeping lookout outside the bank as soon as he heard the sound of wooden hairbrush striking human flesh decided to leave.
“I wonder if I’ll be like Bill Murray’s character of TV weatherman Phil Connors in the movie Groundhog Day and live this day over and over again,” Van Helsing commented as he was getting a thorough bottom blistering lying across Artemis’ sexy black silk nylon knees.
“I don’t want to live this day over and over again,” Whitstable remarked as he saw the Monte Carlo Police exit their vehicles.
Meanwhile out in the woods not far from the Bank, the groundhog Monte Carlo Monte Cristo crawled in the shadows.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday February 2nd
2021.
A Date With Artemis
Peter Whitstable the man they call the Fox Mulder of Interpol was down in the U.S. state of Georgia to investigate allegations of election fraud.
There was actual video footage of people smuggling in ballots into closed polling places after hours.
However that video evidence wasn’t enough to satisfy pro-Communist Republican officials in the State of Georgia.
W. Cleon Skousen’s 1958 book The Naked Communist said that the Communist plan was to take over at least one if not both of the two political parties in the U.S.
While the U.S. Democrats were pretty much Communist for the most part, so were a lot of U.S. Republicans.
The trouble had started with the C.I.A. Deep State.
Because the C.I.A. (then the O.S.S. during and immediately after World War II) began studying and admiring the Nazi SS psychological technology and mind control techniques, this made them prone to developing a totalitarian mind set for themselves.
Like the 1963 Vincent Price film Diary of A Madman in which Price’s character of a French judge becomes possessed by the demonic entity called a horla who had possessed a murderer he had sentenced to death, so too the American C.I.A. had become possessed by the same dark force that had possessed the Nazi SS.
It was quite easy to switch from being a Nazi/Fascist totalitarian to being a Marxist/Communist totalitarian and back again.
In the end, both Nazism/Fascism and Marxist/Communism were controlled by the same demonic forces.
Those invisible entities (fallen angels and demons) were not in the perception and world view of those with a Darwinian materialistic mindset (which was most of the world’s media, cultural and political elite), therefore they saw Nazism/Fascism and Marxist/Communism as being different ideologies rather than being two separate peas of the same pod.
George H.W. Bush was a Company man (Company as in C.I.A.).
His father Prescott Bush had been a Nazi sympathizer and had even been investigated by the U.S. government back in the early 1940s for his views.
Ronald Reagan’s first choice for his Vice-Presidential running mate in 1980 had been Jack Kemp a Republican Congressman from Buffalo New York.
However he was talked by some of his more globalist oriented advisors into naming Company (C.I.A.) man George H.W. Bush as his Vice-Presidential running mate.
Thus the anti-Communist Reagan had as his Vice-President George H.W. Bush a man who could flick back and forth from being Nazi/Fascist totalitarian to being Marxist/Communist totalitarian with the ease of a chameleon.
With this background in mind, Whitstable began his investigation.
. . .
The Vatican Cardinal Samhain Salaman was reading a report given to him by the Vatican Astronomical Academy.
Apparently the Christmas Star or the Star of Bethlehem (which is an extremely close conjunction of the planets Jupiter and Saturn) will be able to be seen this Winter Solstice of December 21st for the first time in 800 years.
The last time such a close alignment between these two objects (Jupiter and Saturn) in the night sky could be seen was just before dawn on March 4th 1226.
So the Christmas Star will be visible this year of 2020, Samhain Cardinal Salaman thought as he closed the door of his office.
Outside two of Pope Francis’ gay secretarial aides had been doing it on the hallway floor like two animals doing it on the TV Cable Discovery Channel.
. . .
The Greek goddess Artemis was awaiting the arrival of Dracul Van Helsing.
Dracul was seeking her aid in battling Covid Communists.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday December 4th 2020
Asmodeus In Rome On Saint Raphael’s Day
Asmodeus In Rome On Saint Raphael’s Day
The demon Asmodeus was sitting in a Rome taverna and enjoying a glass of absinthe with the little green frog Nimrod (who had been a mighty hunter back in the day of the Old Testament Book of Genesis).
The TV in the taverna was on and the news was being read,
“In Britain, Renfield R. Renfield the UK’s Deputy Foreign Secretary In Charge of Geopolitical Intelligence Gathering has been placed in charge of the investigation to find the human trafficking gang responsible for the deaths of 39 migrants who had been found frozen to death in a refrigerator truck that was parked in an industrial area in Essex…”
“I wonder what will happen to the human traffickers when Renfield gets his hands on them?” Nimrod asked.
“I imagine from what I’ve heard of Renfield’s reputation,” Asmodeus lit his 10,000th cigarette of the day, “they will die a slow painful death by bodily dismemberment.”
“I suppose that’s why Renfield is considered the inspiration for the character of Raymond Red Reddington on The Blacklist TV show,” Nimrod licked up absinthe from his glass with his long tongue.
“I imagine,” Asmodeus agreed as he sipped his absinthe.
“In other news,” the announcer on the TV went on, “Pope Francis dove into the Tiber River today when he spotted what he thought were Pachamama idols floating by. The idols had been thrown off the bridge into the Tiber River on Monday…”
“I wonder if Pope Francis knows how to swim,” Nimrod finished his absinthe.
“Don’t know,” Asmodeus shrugged as he motioned for the waiter to bring another couple of glasses of absinthe.
A girl walked by the window wearing a Saint Raphael medal around her neck.
“Great balls of fire,” Asmodeus turned pale and made a reverse Sign of the Cross.
“What is it?” Nimrod inquired.
“That woman was wearing a Saint Raphael medal,” Asmodeus answered.
“Si, signor,” the waiter said as he put down the glasses of absinthe, “today is Saint Raphael’s Day on the old Roman Rite Latin calendar.”
“What have you got against Saint Raphael?” Nimrod asked Asmodeus when the waiter departed.
“Well over 2 millennia and a half ago, when I had the hots for a young Hebrew maiden named Sarah so much so that I murdered 7 of her husbands on the night their marriages to her were supposed to be consummated,” Asmodeus explained, “The Archangel Raphael befriended a young Hebrew man named Tobias and helped him get engaged to Sarah. The awful smell of a fish’s liver and heart being burnt and its fumes drove me away when I tried to attack Tobias on their wedding night. The smell was so bad, I fled from Media (where Sarah lived) all the way to Upper Egypt where Raphael followed me, bound me and buried me. I lay bound and buried for several centuries until an intoxicated Irish leprechaun named Yaldabaoth accidentally released me while he was visiting his mother Sophia in Egypt.”
“I can see why you’re not very happy with Raphael,” Nimrod nodded.
Meanwhile in another part of Rome, the Greek goddess Artemis rang the doorbell of a Vatican Cardinal’s apartment.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday October 24th
2019.
Dracul Van Helsing 
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