One Hell of A Snowstorm From Hel The Norse Goddess
Norse Goddess Hel: Do come in out of the cold, Mr. Van Helsing, and come warm yourself inside my welcoming fireplace.
Much of the United States was suffering one Hell of a cold spell and one Hell of a snowstorm.
And it was being caused by Hel the goddess of the Norse frozen underworld.
She had brought one Hell of a polar vortex with her from her abyss in the frozen northern wastelands.
She was able to do so because Wotan/Odin the chief of the Norse Germanic pantheon of gods (known as the AEsir) and King of Asgard was currently in a Set Enterprises eye clinic in London under the care of Dr. Cadbury Rocher as a result of his one good eye being hit by an arrow fired from the Celtic stag god Cernunnos’ crossbow on a U.S. Republican Party Country Club deer hunting trip gone horribly awry and hideously astray.
Since Wotan/Odin wasn’t around to veto the idea, Hel decided to have some fun.
She was currently in a Chicago hotel enjoying both the cold and the snow storm from inside her warmly heated luxury hotel room.
The Norse trickster god Loki was in a Chicago park trying to re-enact a scene from the 1997 Julia Roberts movie My Best Friend’s Wedding and ended up getting his tongue frozen to the ice cold pussy of a frozen ice sculpture statue of the Greek goddess Aphrodite.
The Norse wolf Fenrir and the Baphomet (who was currently in Chicago on a cross-country speaking tour raising funds for the U.S. Democratic Party) laughed heartedly as a Chicago Fire Department welding unit was brought in to free Loki’s tongue from Aphrodite’s pussy.
Dracul Van Helsing was currently walking around Chicago caught in a vortex of time caught between a Chicago in a black and white Hollywood film movie set of the 1930s and the Chicago of the January 30th 2019 polar vortex snowstorm from Hell caused by Hel.
The vortex of time was brought about by the mad scientists at the CERN Large Hadron Collidor tunnel in Switzerland interfering with Dracul’s Houdini-Tesla prototype magic lanterns by which the Canadian vampire hunter was able to time travel.
Shiva had aided CERN scientists in doing this.
Shiva’s wife Kali on the other hand had reached out to help Dracul Van Helsing.
For some reason, Kali’s mention of Dracul Van Helsing on a previous occasion had caused Shiva to turn into a green-eyed monster.
The ghost of Orson Welles, looking very much like the ghost of Christmas Past in Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol, appeared to Van Helsing.
“Persephone the Greek goddess of the underworld has sent me to help you,” Welles’ ghost explained, “Van Helsing, you seem to work your way into the most precarious situations. I really don’t understand it.”
Welles’ ghost led Van Helsing on to a Persian flying carpet where they flew through the air to the Mysterious Goddess Hotel in Chicago.
There the Norse goddess Hel invited Van Helsing into her room.
An invitation from the Norse goddess Hel to Dracul Van Helsing.
As Hel and Van Helsing made out and practiced tantric sex on a bear skin rug in front of the fireplace, Welles’ ghost complained about the fact that he was reduced to making porno films in the 21st Century.
Welles and Van Helsing left the room whereupon the door to the next room magically opened and the Norse goddess Freya the Queen of Asgard invited Van Helsing in:
Freya: Do come in and stay awhile, Mr. Van Helsing.
As Van Helsing and Freya engaged in a Kama Sutra tantric sex encounter,
Welles remarked over the Riesling wine and the delicious Norse cod that he was eating, “Well Van Helsing, there’s nothing like forging an alliance between Odin/Wotan and Shiva in one cosmic act of revenge.”
Next door, Morrigan the Celtic goddess of war invited Van Helsing in for a lesson as Welles watched.
Welles drowned his voyeurism in pints of Guinness and bottles of Irish whiskey.
Finally Zeus’ daughter Artemis the Greek goddess of the moon made the Call of The Wild from next door.
Artemis displays a full moon for Van Helsing on this evening.
“Zeus, Shiva and Odin/Wotan in a triple alliance,” Welles moaned over several bucketloads of the best French champagne as he watched the divinely cosmic sexual encounter.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday January 30th
2019.
Artemis, Dracul and What Happened To The Deerslayer’s Daughter
The Greek goddess Artemis performing in New York City’s Ziegfeld Follies in 1927
The Greek goddess Artemis had wanted to act in a Ziegfeld Follies production ever since she saw her first one in 1910.
As she was getting her photo taken to appear on the theatre marquee, she noticed a tall blonde man approach her.
She recognized the man as being Dracul Van Helsing a vampire hunter said to have the ability to travel through time according to a vision given her brother Apollo’s prophetess at Delphi.
“Mr.Van Helsing,” the goddess in mini dress, black silk fishnet pantyhose and high heeled shoes smiled at him,
“What brings you here?”.
“I’m here to negotiate a happy ending,” the man answered.
In the theatre lobby, screams were being heard as the requests of Dracul’s blue eyed white wolf and silver eyed black jaguar for hot dogs and coke were not understood by the theatre lobby vendor who was from Brooklyn.
“A happy ending to this particular Ziegfeld production,” Artemis raised one of her legs in Dracul’s direction and pointed at him, “but the script is a musical comedy.”
“No, a happy ending to the tale of Agamemnon and Iphigenia,” Dracul answered referring to the story of King Agamemnon sacrificing his daughter Iphigenia at Aulis as a human sacrifice to Artemis so that she would allow fair winds for the Greek ships to be able to sail for Troy.
Agamemnon being an ass had slighted Artemis the Greek goddess of the hunt by killing one of the goddess’ deer in a sacred grove.
He was forced to sacrifice his daughter to Artemis as punishment to allow the Greek ships to sail to Troy.
Again being the supreme ass he was, he preferred sacking Troy for its gold than his young daughter living (although the official reason for war was to take Helen from Paris and return her to her husband King Menelaus).
“You want me to travel back in time and allow Iphigenia to live?” Artemis raised her other leg at Dracul, “what will you give me in return?.”
“Tantric sex,” Dracul answered.
Artemis smiled.
“That’s the answer I wanted to hear,” she ran her hands through her hair, “All right, Iphigenia will live but Clytemnestra the mother of Iphigenia must still think she was killed by Agamemnon because the fates have decreed that Clytemnestra and her lover must kill her husband King Agamemnon.”
“I care not for the butcher of Troy,” Dracul replied.
“All right,” Artemis laughed, “Funny my father Zeus warned me that I would lose my virginity if I ever appeared in a Ziegfeld Folly. I guess he was right.”
She giggled and opened her legs for the time travelling vampire hunter.
That was the night that the lights went out on Broadway as a huge surge of electricity sent everything black in the Big Apple.
Meanwhile 14 years later in 1941, Princess Iphigenia of Mycenae suddenly appeared on the bear skin rug of Carson Cody Albion Private Eye in Los Angeles, California:
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday January 22nd
2019.
Pope Francis, Loki and Fenrir
Amadeus Emanon was flipping through the stations on his radio trying to see if he could pick up an all-reggae music station.
He came across an interview Pope Francis was giving members of the German news media, “Catholic fundamentalists are like Peter. They’re quite willing to deny Christ 3 times.”
He then came across the replay of an old BBC radio interview that the British essayist and commentator Malcolm Muggeridge had given over 40 years ago, “We must remember that it was the Apostle who was the most concerned about social justice that finally ended up betraying Christ in the end.”
Meanwhile the Norse trickster god Loki and his lupine son the Norse wolf Fenrir (who had both become unbound in the year 2010 in preparation for the Battle of Ragnarok 7 years hence) were walking through a New York City cryogenics lab.
“Here we are,” Loki opened a drawer marked “H for Hecate’s head”, “the cryogenically frozen head of the Greek goddess Hecate in her crone form. Now I want you to take this head, Fenrir, and eat it.”
“Can’t we stick it in the microwave first, Dad?” Fenrir communicated telepathically to his father, “I’ve always hated eating frozen TV dinners while they’re still frozen.”
“Oh, all right,” Loki sighed.
They went to the cryogenics lab cafeteria frightening all the patrons present (who promptly ran away) where Loki put the cryogenically frozen head of Hecate on high in the microwave for 2 minutes.
“I wonder if that will be long enough,” Loki scratched his trickster god chin.
The bell on the microwave rang and Loki took the head out.
“Ouch! Ouch! Hot! Hot!” Loki dropped the head to the floor and started blowing on his fingers.
Fenrir waited for the head to cool off for a while before eating it.
After eating it in one gulp, the wolf commented, “BURP!”.
“You always did have the most atrocious table manners,” Loki sighed.
“Good thing I was eating off the floor,” Fenrir belched again, “and funny, you never said that whenever I ate in Odin’s banquet hall.”
“That’s because Odin was such a sourpuss host,” Loki answered, “let’s go.”
Loki and Fenrir exited the cafeteria with Fenrir singing his own version of a 1960s Peter, Paul and Mary song as he went out the door, “Where have all the goddess heads gone? Long time passing. Where have all the goddess heads gone? Gone to wolf’s guts every one. When will they ever learn? When will they ever learn?”.
An hour later the Greek deities Artemis and Apollo arrived in the cryogenics lab with the Niburuan ET gray scientist Dr. Whenever Wherever.
“Good heavens,” the goddess of the hunt Artemis shouted when she opened the drawer, “Hecate’s head is gone.”
“I wonder if I’ll get my Olympian gold coin drachmas money back,” Apollo seethed.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday March 13th
2017.
Ding Dong! The Witch Is Dead!
Big Ben just happened to chime in London the moment Hecate was beheaded in New York City.
Apollo gathered up Hecate’s head and had it cryogenically frozen.
Who of course could bring the deity back to life?
First bets fell on Dr. Cadbury Rocher the resident mad scientist at Set Enterprises in London who had brought Apollo back from the dead, had restored Medusa to life (minus her atrocious snake hair style) and who also had managed to clone several Greek mythological creatures including Pan and Pegasus.
However Dr. Rocher was fearful of reprisals from satyr serial killer Pan Goatee if he brought Hecate back from the dead so he declined.
South African witch doctor Sterling Makabo declined for the same reason.
As did the Russian FSB’s (former East German Stasi) mad scientist Dr. Nicht Werhoffen although Dr. Werhoffen did have the added burden of his boss Russian President Vladimir Putin’s dislike for witches (hence his dislike for Hillary).
Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton released the following statement upon hearing of Hecate’s death:
I’m so sorry to hear of the sudden and tragic demise of the Greek goddess I always considered my personal mentor Hecate the goddess of witchcraft, sorcery and necromancy. I know me and my supporters as well as the CEOs of all Planned Parenthood clinics across the land are absolutely devastated by news of our mentor’s death. I am personally proud of being a witch although I do know being a witch spelled with both a “w” and a “b” probably cost me the U.S. election as many people seemed to prefer even voting for Donald Trump as opposed to voting for me.
Weepingly yours in Hecate,
Hillary.
The Greek goddess Demeter (goddess of the harvest and agriculture) was very concerned over the death of Hecate.
She turned to Artemis the goddess of the hunt for help in bringing Hecate back to life.
Asclepius the Greek god of medicine and healing was sadly being held a prisoner in the Himalayas by a mysterious Golden cobra serpent figure who called himself Maitreya so he could not do it.
Artemis went for a walk in the woods in upstate New York to collect her thoughts.
There she ran into the ET gray Gali-Gula (whose ET gray body was possessed by the spirit of the Roman Emperor Caligula).whose Niburuan UFO ship The Gunterpunter had run out of metallic hydrogen since Gali-Gula had neglected to fill up at the closest Nonpetro Galaxia metallic hydrogen filling station.
Gali-Gula was aware that world-famous Earthling dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes would probably tomato his buns for such a major blunder to say nothing of Pope Francis excommunicating him (if he had been Catholic) as well as being hit by a major carbon tax surcharge by Alberta Premier Rachel Notley’s NDP government in Canada for making such a major environmental non-green non-renewable energy blunder.
Artemis told Gali-Gula her dilemma.
Gali-Gula told Artemis his.
Artemis text messaged Hephaestus the Greek god of the forge to see what he could do.
In return, Gali-Gula text messaged his ET grayish home planet Nibiru’s top scientist Dr. Whenever Wherever.
Dr. Whenever Wherever was in fact a Nibiruan scientist from the future who had traveled back in time to the current century.
Due to a mishap involving a drunken Niburuan otter called Jeffery which resulted in sustainable head injuries to Dr. Whenever Wherever after he tripped over the well intoxicated otter lying on the floor, Dr. Whenever Wherever’s portion of his ET gray brain dedicated to time travel had been overtaken by amnesia. (Nibiruan science had suffered several setbacks over the millenia due to the folly of drunken Nibiruan otters- please see
https://draculvanhelsing.wordpress.com/2016/08/12/gali-gula-from-roman-emperor-to-et/ )
In the future, Dr. Whenever Wherever had been born to Nibiruan parents who were big fans of the earthling BBC series Dr. Who watching them on Ultra-Violet Ray Video Discs (with infinitely better picture quality than our decade’s Blu-Ray discs). Unfortunately the idiot recording them on the Discs had pushed the wrong button and so the only soundtrack that showed up in the background of the Dr. Who episodes was a constant refrain of Shakira’s 2001 hit song Whenever Wherever.
That episode of Dr. Who where the stone angels came to life was infinitely more terrifying when you heard the words Whenever Wherever to their suddenly and eerily coming to life.
As such, the young ET gray’s parents had named the child Whenever Wherever after the dialogue in the episodes of Dr. Who they watched on the unknown idiot’s Ultra-Violet Ray video discs of Dr. Who.
Dr. Whenever Wherever of Nibiru after speaking to Artemis on Gali-Gula’s Infinitely Celestial Smart Phone agreed to help in the case of Hecate’s severed head seeing if it could be brought back to life.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday March 10th
2017.
Pan Goatee Celebrates International Women’s Day
March 8, 2017 at 7:27 pm (Commentary, Culture, Geopolitics and International Relations, Horror, Mythology, News, Vampire novel) (Artemis, International Women's Day, Pan Goatee, satyr, satyr half-man half-goat genetic hybrid killing machine, satyr serial killer, The Greek God Apollo, Zeus)
The genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee (who escaped from a Set Enterprises truck in northern England back in 2013) was celebrating International Women’s Day by cutting off the heads of ugly looking women as he rode the New York City subway.
“Get out of the way, you ugly looking thing,” Pan Goatee quickly used his astral laser machete to cut off the creature’s head as she got in his way.
“Hey, mac, that’s sexist,” some guy shouted at Pan Goatee, “don’t you know it’s International Women’s Day?”.
“Go join them then,” Pan Goatee cut off the man’s testicles with his astral laser machete.
He exited the train and continued to lop off the head of any ugly looking woman who got in his way.
“Who’s that?” the Greek god Zeus asked his daughter Artemis (who had been known as Diana among the Ancient Romans).
“He kind of looks like Pan the god of the wild who sadly died under mysterious circumstances a couple of millenia ago,” Artemis answered.
“He does,” Zeus agreed.
“Who is this guy?” U.S. President Donald Trump asked one of his aides as he watched the beheading video on Instagram.
“He works for us, Mr. President,” his aide replied, “He’s a contract assassin for our government. He does serial killing of ugly women in his spare time as a hobby.”
“That’s good to hear,” President Trump applied some Brylcreem to his hair, “that’s very good to hear.”
“Who does he work for?” Russian President Vladimir Putin asked one of his aides as he viewed the beheading on YouTube.
“Sadly, not for us,” his aide replied.
“How do we get him to work for us?” Putin asked.
“We could tell him how Russia is a country full of beautiful women as opposed to the ugly stoats and gargoyles who seem to predominate among North American womanhood these days,” his aide replied, “so he could spend more time screwing our women instead of beheading North American women. Make love not war as the anti-Vietnam War protesters of the 1960s used to say.”
“I like that idea,” Vladimir took his shirt off and started lifting some weights in his office.
“Who does he work for?” North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un asked one of his aides as he handed him a facecloth which the aide declined for some reason.
“Sadly for the imperialist American running dogs,” his aide replied.
“How do we get him to work for us?” Kim Jong-un text messaged his friend Dennis Rodman.
“We could tell him how North Korea is a country full of beautiful women as opposed to the ugly camels and cows who seem to predominate among North American womanhood these days,” his aide replied.
“An excellent idea,” Kim Jong-un clicked the Like button on the Facebook page set up for the assassination of his half-brother Kim Jong-nam.
“Great Zeus, Hecate has been beheaded,” Apollo shouted from Times Square as the Greek goddess of witchcraft in crone form had attracted the wrath of Pan Goatee.
“What manner of half-man half-goat is this that even deity dies at his hands?” Zeus asked as he stood in front of the Coca-Cola neon sign.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday March 8th
2017.
Artemis the Goddess of the Hunt, unlike Hecate the goddess of witchcraft, was spared the wrath of Pan Goatee.
Permalink 2 Comments