Pan Goatee Beheads Fat Ugly Blimps Live On Britain’s ITV News

July 19, 2022 at 10:42 pm (Aesthetics, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Pan Goatee being a recently genetically created satyr has never met a lot of the figures of Greek mythology like the original Greek satyr Pan or the Greek hero Hercules or the Greek god Apollo

So said British ITV News journalist Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell who had been sent to Calgary, Alberta, Canada from Britain to cover the world famous genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee.

Heathcliff Dionyus Campbell was the CEO of Aulos Music and Recording Ltd.

However he had won a contest to work as an intern television journalist for Britain’s ITV News over the summer.

Now he had been assigned to cover Pan Goatee the nemesis of facially aesthetically challenged females everywhere.

Campbell was standing at a bus stop holding a microphone in one hand and his pet Siamese cat Oysterella in the other.

Oysterella was holding a bowl of smoked oysters in her paws which she was eating.

Campbell spoke into the microphone, “Here I am standing alongside Pan Goatee. Pan is noting how hot it is today. 29 degrees Celsius apparently. And when you’ve got furry goats’ legs like Pan Goatee does, it feels even hotter.”

“That’s true,” Pan nodded, “The Robbie Burns Society pays me to never wear a kilt.”

The bus pulled up and satyr, ITV News Reporter and Siamese cat got on.

There sitting on one of the front seats was a fat ugly blimp reading a book by Ophrah Winfrey called How To Enjoy Your High Self Esteem.

“Usually,” Pan Goatee explained to Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell, “most fat ugly blimps choose to sit at the back of the bus. Which is why I sit at the front. However this fat ugly blimp has obviously taken Oprah’s New Age psychobabble way too seriously.”

The fat ugly blimp would never get the chance to address the United Nations General Assembly like Ophrah’s airheaded pair of friends Prince Harry and Meghan Markle.

For she was beheaded by Pan Goatee and cut up into 999 trillion pieces and her remains taken down to Tartarus by Ares the Greek god of war who was filling in for the Austro-Hungarian and Bavarian demon Krampus who was on summer vacation.

“I doubt anyone who was PH Unbalanced would be able to follow that editorial train of thought,” Oysterella thought to herself as she finished the last of her smoked oysters.

Pan Goatee, Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell and Oysterella went and sat at the back of the bus.

A couple of bus stops down a fat ugly blimp and her moronic low IQ boyfriend boarded the bus and sat on seats at the front.

“What’s with the lack of humility being shown by fat ugly blimps and their moronic low IQ boyfriends these days?” Goatee commented as he beheaded the pair and cut them up into 999 trillion pieces each.

“Meow, meow, meow, meow,” Oysterella purred.

Which was feline for “I want more smoked oysters.”

Pan Goatee and Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell went into a Dollar store to see if they could buy more smoked oysters for Oysterella.

There was a fat ugly blimp working as a cashier so Goatee beheaded the uglo and cut her up into 999 trillion pieces.

“What about my oysters?” Oysterella meowed as Pan and Heathcliff left the store.

A demon buffalo approached the trio.

“Is that a demon buffalo approaching?” Campbell asked.

“It is,” Pan nodded.

. . .

“Who is this demon buffalo who wants to meet me?” Francis asked his group of advisors.

“We’re not sure,” his chief advisor shrugged, “but it is said he arose from Buffalo Lake in what is now Alberta, Canada back in the 1860s.”

“Am I going to be visiting Buffalo Lake next week?” Bergoglio started eating a popsicle.

“No, you won’t,” his chief advisor answered.

“I remember watching an episode of America’s Carol Burnett Show where Carol Burnett played Queen Elizabeth II and Tim Conway played a British soldier who was to receive a medal,” Bergoglio recalled, “But Conway’s soldier didn’t want a medal. He wanted a buffalo popsicle instead. So Queen Elizabeth II and Prince Philip went to a popsicle salesman (played by Harvey Korman) who was sitting on a popsicle bicycle. They asked for a buffalo popsicle but the popsicle salesman told them there was no such thing as a buffalo popsicle. But Conway’s soldier character insisted he wanted a buffalo popsicle. So Korman’s popsicle salesman character hit Conway’s soldier character over the head knocking him out. He put him in the popsicle box on his bicycle and wheeled him off.”

Silence was the order of the day among Bergoglio’s advisors after he made that last statement.

One advisor whispered to another, “Do you suppose senility is a virus that can spread over the telephone? He had a 4 hour phone conversation with Joe Biden last night.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday July 19th

Permalink Leave a Comment

Memories of Selena

March 25, 2021 at 9:53 pm (Arts, Culture, History, Music) (, , , , )

Selena Quintanilla

Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell was the CEO of Aulos Music and Recording Ltd. in London.

He had become the CEO of the company after buying it (through a loan given to him by the London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set) in 2018.

Previously he had been an Executive Vice-President of the Company.

This past year of the pandemic there had not been much recording going on at his studios on Abbey Road- the Wuthering Heights and Glencoe Hospitality Recording Studios.

As most musicians and singers did their performances via podcast and livestream.

So Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell had used the past year to write his memoirs.

He had run for the 2008 Democratic Presidential nomination in the U.S. and had come in an extremely extremely extremely distant third behind Barack Obama and Hillary Rodham Clinton.

He moved to London England in 2010 to become Executive Vice-President of Aulos Music and Recording Ltd. to fulfill a lifelong dream he had of one day becoming a music producer.

Prior to his Presidential run, he had been an Executive Vice-President of Vidal Sassoon Hair Products.

Today he was busy recalling the year 1994.

He was remembering the day that year a friend of his had invited him to a small recording studio that the friend owned in San Antonio, Texas.

He recalled walking through the door of the recording studio and there sitting on a chair was a woman with one of the loveliest smiles he had ever seen in his life.

Selena Quintanilla

Campbell was disappointed in himself for at that time he had never heard of this young and promising young star bound to become a superstar.

She however sang and recorded a song in his friend’s studio that day.

It was a song in Spanish.

It was so beautiful that Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell resolved someday to learn the language.

Sadly he had never done that either up until this point in his life.

He recalled a year later in 1995 the day that he had heard Selena had been shot and killed by the President of her own fan club.

March 31st 1995.

In less than a week, it would be the 26th anniversary of her tragic death.

A young talent taken from the world too soon.

A lovely smile taken from the world too soon.

-written by Christopher
Thursday March 25th

Permalink 6 Comments

Amadeus’ Song: A Distant Mirror Reflects

January 9, 2019 at 11:19 pm (Arts, Culture, Geopolitics and International Relations, Gothic, International Intrigue, Music, Mystery/horror, Mythology, News, Poetry, Romance, Science-Fiction, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Singer Amadeus Emanon was in the recording studio of Aulos Music and Recording Ltd. on London’s Abbey Road.

His producer Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell gave him the thumbs up.

Amadeus started to sing,

In Beverly Hills, you never grow old
your body uses science to take on a new glow
Life eternal is now in a pill

On those nights when the moon rises high
and stardust mixes with water and wine
what was blood to the Son of Man falls on dry barren ground

This is the new Hollywood
replacing that holy wood of long ago
Golgotha’s hill gives way to the hills of Beverly

And now a new god beckons me from behind that silver screen
offering me love, sex and immortality
it’s all so thrilling and so new
All I have to do is give my soul away
And watch the light from blood red moon
signal the start of a brand new day
Amazon and Google like John the Baptist lead the way
5G flows into my brain like San Francisco’s golden rain
Circuitry and arteries have now fused and merged into one

The flashes of light and the deity in sight
They burst all around like galaxies abound
The celestial mass divides again and again
DNA has never been this way
Our being is changed in the twinkling of an eye
And we can do it all without that Carpenter guy

And so I’ve taken the Mark
My life is one with android electrical spark
I’ve changed this flesh for a mechanical heart
one that will forever beat even without love
I know I will live forever and never ever die
That fruit of tree in Garden is so yesterday
far too earthy and natural
nothing like today
when science and high tech have shown us the way

The lights of Metropolis of yesterday
have given way to Metropolis’ lights today
What was there on the screen of ’20s German Expressionist film
has come to pass with Transhumanist technocracy know-how
Lovecraft saw the Great Old Ones coming back
but not the shiny new gadgets they carried in their sack
They have offered us all the kingdoms of this world
gold, precious jewels and all diverse manners of pearl
and have offered us immortality to boot
We have now become the gods
And the food of the gods?
Our own souls
that we eat daily.
Amen and amen.

Heathcliff Dioynsus Campbell nodded that was a rap.

Amadeus took off his headphones and in his mind’s eye, saw a distant mirror.

To the Hollywood of the early 1940s when Carson Cody Albion Private Eye was offered immortality with a divinely human touch from the Syro-Phoenician goddess Atargatis:

The flesh was weak back then.

But, Amadeus reflected, thanks to advances in science and technology, the spirit itself has become weak.

And all of us are now ready to betray the Son of Man without so much as a kiss.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday January 9th

Permalink 4 Comments

Phantom of The Opera: A Poem As Sung and Recorded By Amadeus Emanon

September 14, 2018 at 10:37 pm (Culture, Entertainment, Fantasy, Film, Folklore, Ghost Story, love, Music, music videos, Musicals, Poetry, Romance, theatre, Theatre Arts, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

Phantom of The Opera: A Poem
Sung and Recorded By Amadeus Emanon

Amadeus Emanon was at London music promoter Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell’s Wuthering Heights and Glencoe Hospitality Recording Studios (owned by Heathcliff’s company Aulos Music and Recording Ltd.) to record his first album Erik’s Lament: The Agony and Ecstasy of A Phantom In The Night.

Amadeus Emanon sang this song:

Phantom of The Opera: A Lament

Oh Phantom, you are the lonely one
You loved Christine who was daylight
to your realms of darkness
She let the sunlight shine in your heart
You taught her to sing
But she taught you to love
And hers by far was the greater gift

There in your lair beneath the Opera deep
Where you lay many an hour to lie there and weep
And let the hate consume your heart like heat
Burned and singed was it making your scar look neat

For your look you thought no one could love
Depriving you of joy on earth and in heaven above
But Christine looked and she saw
but you turned away and you let her go
For in the mirror you saw just the scar
But in her eyes, she saw your very soul
But you did not see and you did not know
And your love departed by the river’s flow

Oh what music you could have made
But your heart you buried in hate’s grave
For Christine wanted to be your love not your slave
Now she’s left you and gone away
While you pine all night and long for day
The day you once had but chased away
leaving you with childhood toys you used to play
And now your soul then your music will decay.

(-A poem written by Christopher
Friday September 7th 2018)

Inspired by the character of Erik as he is portrayed in Andrew Lloyd Webber’s musical The Phantom of The Opera.

Amadeus Emanon as he appears on the cover of his album (making it look like he was posing with his violin in an old 19th Century style photograph)

Permalink 27 Comments

Pan Goatee’s #1 Bestseller

August 20, 2018 at 10:59 pm (Aesthetics, Literature, Music, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Pan Goatee’s #1 Bestseller

CNN Book Reviewer: Pan Goatee’s new book Stupid Ugly White Women, that was only published last week, has already become English-speaking North America’s Number 1 Top Best Seller.
Flocks of white heterosexual male readers (who generally don’t read many books) have been flocking to buy it.
It has already trilliondippled the number of book sales of left wing documentary film maker Michael Moore’s book Stupid White Men (which has a photo of Michael Moore on the cover).
Pan Goatee when he appeared on Stephen Colbert 🤨 said that Stupid White Men are those who date Stupid Ugly White Women.
Pan Goatee’s book has been condemned by white feminists to which the genetically created satyr serial killer and DARPA contract assassin replied, “You can kiss my hairy white ass.”
Donald Trump tweeted afterwards “Just how hairy is Pan Goatee’s ass anyways? Maybe he can do me a favour.”
According to newly released White House tape recordings recorded by a soon to be fired White House staff employee, Mr. Trump has recently expressed concern that the red spider monkey fur on his golden showers 🚿 coloured urine stained looking mop of a hairpiece toupee is starting to develop dandruff and he’s looking for a replacement.
Meanwhile Pan Goatee’s book Stupid Ugly White Women has, within the last week, become the #1 bestselling book of all time in the City of Calgary for some reason (and that’s just after one week since publication).
And it’s been reported by Calgary booksellers that male undergraduate students enrolled in Philosophy courses in the subject of Aesthetics and Philosophy of Art and Beauty have bought multiple copies of the book in much the same way that famous American assassins who go by three names have had multiple copies of J.D. Salinger’s The Catcher In The Rye on their bookshelves.

CNN Music Reviewer: Meanwhile the success of Pan Goatee’s book Stupid Ugly White Women has led to a musical hit for the London England based gay music promoter Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell’s Aulos Music and Recording Ltd. at his Wuthering Heights and Glencoe Hospitality Recording Studios on London’s Abbey Road.
Mr. Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell recorded British MP Renfield R. Renfield singing his own paraphrased version of the 1968 Dionne Warwick hit song Do You Know The Way To San Jose?
Sir Renfield’s paraphrased version is called Do You Know The Way To Pan Goatee?

Renfield (singing in a clip):

Do you know the way to Pan Goatee?
I’ve seen a lot of heads roll around Pan Goatee.
Calgary is a great big cow farm
turn around and see a blimp
All the gays that never were
switch teams after seeing them…

CNN Movie Reviewer: Meanwhile after a recent trip to Calgary, talk show host Ellen DeGeneres will soon be appearing in a new motion picture called Scared Straight…

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday August 20th

Permalink 8 Comments