Barack Obama’s BBC Interview

June 5, 2020 at 10:46 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

Barack Obama’s BBC Interview

Former U.S. President Barack Obama was being interviewed by the BBC’s Sir Valk Zisvay Humphreys.

“One final question before you go, Mr. President,” Sir Valk Zisvay Humphreys ate a delivery sandwich from Brucie’s Baloney Parlour, “With this intense global Covid-19 lockdown going on all over the world, do you think it’s possible that there are a great many people who are becoming totally unhinged and outright crazy as a result of being locked down in their homes?”.

“Yes, Sir Valk,” Obama nodded, “I think it’s been happening in great droves. For example there’s one lunatic in your own country who thinks that just because Virginia Gov. Ralph Northam wants to erect a 666 foot statue of himself in the Virginia state capital of Richmond that this is somehow going to affect my own popularity on the continent of Africa. And when confronted with this logic (or lack thereof), one’s first thought is, what does this have to do with the price of tea in China? Or even the price of asphalt in Afghanistan for that matter?”.

“It doesn’t make much sense,” Sir Valk Zisvay Humphreys started choking on his Brucie’s Baloney sandwich.

“No, it doesn’t,” Obama agreed, “And the same lunatic also thinks that there’s been no civil wars happening in Libya or Syria since 2011. If there was no civil war happening in Libya, then how did Col. Muammar Gaddafi die as a result of being seized off the back of a truck by a mob and having a red hot poker shoved up his ass? If there was no civil war in Libya, then how come the U.S. Consulate in Benghazi was attacked in 2012 with 4 people being killed and 10 others were wounded? If there is no civil war in Libya, then why are two different governments claiming sovereignty over the entire country? A government in Tobruk headed by Marshal Khalifa Haftar the commander-in-chief of the Libyan National Army. And a government in Tripoli called the Government of National Accord headed by Prime Minister Fayez al-Sarrad?.”

“What about the non-existent Civil War in Syria as the lunatic claims?” Sir Valk was starting to feel a sudden attack of diarrhea as a result of eating the Brucie’s Baloney sandwich.

“If there is no Civil War in Syria,” Obama shook his head, “then why were chemical weapons used against civilians in Syria? Were the authorities just hoping to find a way of finally ending the world’s longest cribbage tournament which was going on in that country? And why did I threaten to launch missile attacks against Assad if there was no civil war going on and no chemical weapons attacks against civilians? Was it just because I happened to have a bad day on the golf course? And how did Daesh (the ISIS Islamic State) manage to seize such a large swathe of Syria and start beheading Christians if there was no Civil War going on at the time? Why did millions of Syrians flee their country and start immigrating to Europe if there was no civil war going on? Did they just suddenly start developing a hankering for the many different varieties of European climate?”.

Sir Valk Zisvay Humphreys realized that the formerly white seat of his white chair was now coloured a very vivid brown.

He looked over at the clock.

It was approaching the 11th hour.

Two U.S. Episcopalian priests dressed in drag and both reading books titled Carl Jung’s Theory of Projecting Onto Others were likewise undergoing attacks of diarrhea from having eaten Brucie’s Baloney Parlour Sandwiches.

“On the plus side,” Barack Obama smiled, “British MP Renfield R. Renfield says I’m cool enough to be the Antichrist. Whereas both Bill Gates and Ralph Northam are too dull, bland and boring to be the Antichrist. Not of course that I am the Antichrist. Michelle probably wouldn’t let me. She’d figure that if I became the Antichrist, I might use that as an excuse to stop doing chores around the house.”

“So, what are your plans for the rest of the day?” Sir Valk Zisvay Humphreys asked whose own immediate plans included changing his underwear.

“Well, I’ve been asked to livestream a performance of reciting Mark Antony’s I’ve Come To Bury Caesar Not To Praise Him speech from William Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar to a high school graduating class holding their ceremony over the Internet, ” Obama smiled, “a speech laden with sardonic irony.”

Sir Humphreys looked over in the direction of his news producer’s office where the producer’s dog Caesar had eaten the rest of the sandwiches in the delivery bag from Brucie’s Baloney Parlour.

The dog Caesar was now doing an instantaneous colour redecorating of the producer’s office furniture and floor.

Sir Humphreys reckoned that the producer would likewise be giving an I’ve Come To Bury Caesar Not To Praise Him speech before the day was over.

But one a little less laden with sardonic irony.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday June 5th 
2020.

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Persian Or Ottoman Wall-to-Wall Carpeting In Jerusalem?

May 31, 2015 at 7:15 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Persian Or Ottoman Wall-to-Wall Carpeting In Jerusalem?

U.S. President Barack Obama slept at his desk in the Oval Office while his teddy bear that he named Maxwell Smart Jr. whispered sweet nothings in his ear.

. . .

Meanwhile in the Iranian holy city of Qom, Nimrod the builder of the Tower of Babel (who had since been turned into a frog as a result of a vampiric kiss gone awry) whispered satanic somethings in the ear of the Ayatollah Ali Khamenei as Iran’s Supreme Leader slept.

. . .

As Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan strolled into his gold plated and mirror ceilinged bedroom, he was startled to see the beautiful and sexy ancient Babylonian Vampiress Lilith standing there in a very low-cut silk nightgown.

As he gazed at this vision, he secretly hoped that what an Islamic televangelist in Turkey (who was about as nutty as some of the so-called Christian televangelists in America) had recently said about Muslim men who masturbate excessively in this lifetime- that their hands would be eternally pregnant in the next lifetime- wasn’t true.

“I’ve come to offer you something,” Lilith approached him.

Erdogan smiled.

He just might be spared an evening that might have put his right hand in eternal maternal jeopardy.

Lilith reached under her nightgown and pulled out the crown of the Sultan of Constantinople- ruler of the Ottoman Empire.

“This I will give you,” Lilith smiled seductively, “if you will fall down and worship me.”

“I hope she’s not asking me to kiss her pussy,” Erdogan thought to himself as he heard a cat meowing from under the bed.

. . .

In Jerusalem, the Mossad agent they called the Controller of The Golem sat in his office reading disturbing reports about recent speeches given by Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan.

In a speech last week, Erdogan had called for the restoration of Ottoman rule over Jerusalem.

In a campaign speech yesterday as he campaigned on behalf of his Islamist party for next week’s Turkish parliamentary elections, Erdogan had called for the “conquering fires of Istanbul to again be lit across the world”.

Outside the Controller’s office could be heard the screeching of a night owl.

The Controller looked out his office window and noticed a raven attacking a dove within the light of a bright street lamp.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday May 31st
2015.

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The Frog and Angela Merkel

March 14, 2015 at 8:34 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, News, Satire, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

The Frog and Angela Merkel

German Chancellor Angela Merkel told her secretary that she’d be spending the day at a spa to get herself rejuvenated.

After spending a pleasant time at the spa, she went to a quiet Berlin restaurant to have dinner.

She ordered the soup and salad.

The waiter brought her the potato soup.

Just then, Mrs. Merkel received a call on her mobile.

She noticed it was from Barack Obama.

She stepped outside on to the patio balcony to take the call undisturbed.

“Yes, Mr. President,” the Chancellor spoke into the phone.

“Hi Madame Chancellor, I’m just phoning you for some advice,” President Obama said, “I was wondering if you’d think Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu would take it as a personal insult if I sent him as a gift some Bavarian smoked sausages made with pork instead of beef?”.

“Well yes,” Mrs. Merkel replied, “I would think Mr. Netanyahu would very much take it as a personal insult.”

“Thanks, Madame Chancellor,” President Obama then got on the other line to his U.S.Secretary of State John Kerry, “By all means, send the Bavarian smoked sausages made with pork as a pre-election gift to Prime Minister Netanyahu this coming Israeli election night eve.”

German Chancellor Angela Merkel then went back to her soup.

A little green frog leapt out of her soup.

“Waiter, there was a frog in my soup,” Mrs. Merkel called out to the waiter.

“A frog?” The waiter was surprised, “Don’t you mean a fly?”.

“Ribbit, ribbit,” the frog said as he sat on the table.

. . .

The German Chancellor’s personal secretary entered her office that night and was surprised to see the very young looking and very beautiful ancient Babylonian Vampiress Lilith sitting in the Chancellor’s chair at her desk.

She wore a very low-cut beige evening dress that showed off her cleavage quite well.

“Well fuck me wild and senseless, Madame Chancellor, ” Mrs. Merkel’s male personal secretary exclaimed, “but that day at the spa really did you a world of good.”

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday March 14th
2015.

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Limericks About Two World Leaders- Vladimir Putin and Barack Obama

September 3, 2014 at 3:44 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, History, News, Poetry) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Limericks About 2 World Leaders

Limerick About Vladimir Putin

There was a man named Putin
for world opinion didn’t give a hootin’
marched into Ukraine
giving Europe much pain
and Stalin’s ghost’s a-rootin’

Limerick About Barack Obama

There was a man named Obama
under whose rule was slain Osama
but when it came to ISIS
he suffered paralysis
and couldn’t strategize worth a damn-a

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Radio News Reports and The Park Avenue Billionaire

April 23, 2014 at 7:25 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Radio News Reports and The Park Avenue Billionaire

The mysterious billionaire sat behind the dark curtains in his Park Avenue New York City penthouse apartment, drank Jasmine tea with a pinch of Arizona sagebrush and listened to the news on the radio.

“Russia will respond if its interests in Ukraine are attacked says Russia’s Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov…

U.S. President Barack Obama says that the U.S. will support Japan in its territorial dispute with China over the Senkaku Islands (called Diaoyu Islands by China) in the East China Sea under the terms of Article 5 of the U.S.-Japan Treaty of Mutual Co-Operation and Security… the U.S. ‘s mutual Defence pact with Japan…

South Korea has announced that North Korea may conduct a nuclear test during President Obama’s upcoming visit to the Korean Peninsula…

In the Palestinian territories, Hamas and Fatah have announced a reconciliation deal and will form a unity government in the upcoming weeks…

In response, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has called off further peace negotiations with the Palestinian Authority…

The first contingent of U.S. troops has entered Poland for joint military exercises with Poland in the midst of tensions with Russia over Ukraine…

In another incident, the Air Forces of the United Kingdom, the Netherlands and Denmark all scrambled their fighter jets after Russian military aircraft were spotted approaching their airspace…”

The Park Avenue billionaire gurgled happily as he sipped his tea…

All was definitely going according to plan.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday April 23rd
2014.

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Lilith In Saudi Arabia

March 28, 2014 at 6:21 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Lilith In Saudi Arabia

The beautiful and sexy Babylonian Vampiress Lilith was in Saudi Arabia.

She was inside the oasis camp of Saudi Arabia’s King Abdullah outside the Saudi capital of Riyadh.

She had come to eavesdrop on the conversation between Saudi Arabia’s King Abdullah and U.S. President Barack Obama.

She flew directly over the King’s Saudi bodyguard.

And she had no trouble getting past the U.S. Secret Service detail who were supposed to be guarding U.S. President Barack Obama.

All she had to do was lift up her dress and the U.S. Secret Service bodyguards immediately started masturbating on the spot.

She hearkened to the room where President Obama and King Abdullah were meeting.

She hid behind a curtain and listened.

When the meeting was over, she turned into a bat and flew off into the night.

As he was leaving, President Obama decided to shake the hand of the lead U.S. Secret Service agent who had been guarding him.

“Good God,” were President Obama’s first words as he boarded the Marine One helicopter, “anybody got a wet hand wipe?”.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday March 28th
2014.

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Renfield and Amadeus In Rome

March 27, 2014 at 7:16 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, History, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Renfield and Amadeus In Rome

“So what are we doing in Rome?” Amadeus asked Renfield as he bought a plate of spaghetti and meatballs from a Roman street spaghetti vendor.

“Thought I’d do a little catch up on my hobby of blackmail and extortion,” Renfield replied, “I find my other hobby of stamp collecting starts to get boring after a while. Plus licking the back of all those stamps starts to leave a nasty stain on the tongue.”

“Who are you trying to blackmail in Rome?” Amadeus asked as he spilled spaghetti all over his tuxedo.

“I hear there are some U. S. Secret Service agents who remained behind in one of the rooms of the Vatican after today’s meeting between President Obama and Pope Francis,” Renfield smiled and helped himself to a meatball off Amadeus’ bow tie, “so I thought I’d see what they were up to.”

“Didn’t 3 agents get sent home for drunken behavior in Amsterdam a few days ago?” Amadeus asked as he decided to open a pack of chop sticks to eat his spaghetti instead of using his hands.

“They did,” Renfield looked at the video of the non-blackmail paying Turkish Prime Minister Recep Tayyip Erdogan eating a barbeque pulled pork sandwich he was about to upload to YouTube oblivious to the fact that Turkey had just blocked its citizens’ access to YouTube, “and back in April 2012 twelve U.S. secret service agents were found guilty of gross misconduct for cavorting with prostitutes ahead of a summit in Cartagena Colombia that President Obama was attending.”

“I wonder how you get to be a U.S. Secret Service agent,” Amadeus mused out loud.

“They’re in this room here according to Google Maps and the G.P.S. signal I’m receiving,” Renfield burst through the door and started flashing pics with his iPhone.

“Oh shit,” the Secret Service agent cried out who was undergoing an enema treatment from an Italian courtesan dressed in a Renaissance evening gown.

In this orgy of U.S. Secret Servants and Italian courtesans were to be found the Greek Vampiress Aphrodite dancing in the nude and a bald-headed and extremely obese dwarf (who was none other than the Greek Vampire Dionysus) pouring wine.

“God, I’ve captured in seconds what would have probably taken Michelangelo years to paint,” Renfield cackled above the moans and groans of secret service agent and courtesan alike.

“I suppose you’re referring to Michelangelo the Renaissance sculptor and painter and not the Boss’ genetically created psychic lobster,” Amadeus helped himself to some of Aphrodite’s oysters.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday March 27th
2014.

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Pan Goatee Invited To The White House

February 4, 2014 at 11:44 pm (Commentary, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Pan Goatee Invited To The White House

Serial killer and U.S. government hired assassin Pan Goatee had been invited to the White House.

He wasn’t sure who he was meeting with there but he had the feeling it was with the Big Chief himself.

Pan Goatee pressed the elevator button.

The elevator showed up at his floor.

He was about to get in when suddenly an ugly looking woman got out.

What the fuck?!-

How dare an ugly looking woman get off just as he was about to get on?

He pulled out his gun and shot her several times making sure that she was dead.

He headed to the stairwell.

Damn!

Now he would have to start using the stairwell until such time as he spotted a beautiful looking woman enter or exit the elevator that would dispel the curse that now hung over the elevator as a result of an ugly looking woman riding in it.

Pan Goatee then walked to one of his favourite restaurants where he would have lunch prior to visiting the White House.

As he entered the restaurant…

…what the fuck?…

… an old bat senior citizen in a walker was sitting at his favourite table.

So Pan Goatee pulled out his gun and shot her several times making sure she was dead.

He then threw her body and walker out the door into the street.

This semi-automatic he bought at a smiley face price Roll-Back sale at Wal-Mart last week (which he was able to purchase without ID or background check) was certainly coming in handy this week.

He then ordered, ate and enjoyed his usual dish in this restaurant- a plate of meatloaf and sauerkraut.

He then headed to the White House.

At the security check inside the White House, there were some problems arising (due to a computer glitch) with his government employee issued ID.

So Pan Goatee was forced to shoot and kill the White House Secret Service agents present at the security check.

With everyone at the desk now dead, he had no one to ask for directions.

Pan Goatee had to find his way to the Oval Office on his own as he was pretty sure that a White House meeting for a serial killer of his stature (he had beat out Pope Francis in getting his picture on the cover of the Rolling Stone magazine first) could only be with the Big Chief himself.

When he found the Oval Office, he decided to enter without knocking.

Standing there was U. S. President Barack Obama posing for a photo with a small group of elementary schoolchildren.

The children were presenting the President with a petition calling for tougher gun control laws to prevent tragedies like the Sandy Hook Massacre.

Pan Goatee decided that now probably wasn’t an opportune moment to announce that he had just purchased a membership in the National Rifle Association.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday February 4th
2014.

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The 1-800 Obamacare Number

November 6, 2013 at 8:04 pm (Commentary, News, Politics, Satire, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

The 1-800 Obamacare Number

 

 

 

Renfield R. Renfield and Amadeus Emanon are watching a U. S. government public service ad on American television via satellite in the colossal London mansion of the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set.

 

 

It was U.S. President Barack Obama doing the ad.

 

 

“My fellow Americans,” President Obama smiled at the camera, “as you know an exciting new national health insurance plan is starting to emerge. Thus from Alaska to Florida… and from Kenya to Maine… I mean… from Hawaii to Maine… we’ve got you covered.”

 

President Obama continued, “They call this new program Obamacare.  And I do care.  Just call the 1-800 number below at the bottom of your screen and you’ll see how much I care…”

 

 

President Obama flashes a big grin at the camera.

 

 

“Do those last numbers after 1-800 spell out the words that I think they do?” Amadeus asked Renfield.

 

“They do,” Renfield replied as he ate some popcorn.

 

 

 

To be continued.

 

 

 

-A vampire novel chapter

  written by Christopher

  Wednesday November 6th

  2013

 

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7/11 Day 2013

July 11, 2013 at 10:39 pm (Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

“Mr. President,” the Secretary of State John Kerry addressed Barack  Obama, “we’ve got a response from the Chinese government over our strongly worded protest to them over Edward Snowden being allowed to leave the Hong Kong territory to go to Russia.”

“And what’s their response?” President Obama asked.

“Well it’s addressed to you personally sir,”  Secretary Kerry noted.

“Really?” The President looked quizzical, “What is it?”.

Secretary Kerry winced as he spoke it,  “They tell you to go —- yourself.”

“What?!” The President was livid, “How dare they?  Don’t they know that I’m the President of the United States?”.

                     *          *            *

“Of course I do,”  Chinese President Xi Jinping said as he fed a thousand year old egg to the dog under the table (a dog whose bark he did not like),  “that’s why I said it.”

The dog would never bark again.

                   *           *          *

Russian President Vladimir Putin sighed,  “The United States is becoming more and more arrogant with each passing day.  They’re treating other leaders of the world the same way Germany treated other European leaders back in the 1930s.”

                      *           *           *

Syrian President Bashar Assad looked at the document in front of him and said,  “Gentlemen, it’s time we carry out Project Asmodeus.”

None of his generals voiced disagreement.

                  *           *          *

The billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set looked at the unfolding chaos in Egypt being shown on the TV by BBC News and spoke to his valet, “You know Athelstan, none of this would be happening if Papa Ra had appointed me Pharaoh of Egypt instead of Osiris millennia ago.”

“Indeed, sir,”  Athelstan handed his boss a two minute boiled egg along with some toast and jam.

                 *         *          *

Welsh werewolf British Labour MP Magog Rhys Petley was sitting inside the doctor’s office in the hospital in Bethlehem.

The Welsh werewolf was feeling somewhat sheepish.

He was here because he feared that he may have picked up a sexually transmitted disease from the town harlot- a beautiful and alluring and mysterious red headed woman who called herself Lilith.

The physician went over to the test tube filled with the penicillin and inserted a syringe.

He then took the syringe and injected Magog Rhys Petley.

And that’s how the spirit of Neb-Senu mysterious entity from planet Nibiru who had once sojourned in ancient Egypt and who had recently possessed a moving ancient Egyptian statue in a Manchester museum entered the body of Magog Rhys Petley.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
 written by Christopher
 Thursday evening
  July 11th 2013

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