Renfield On Why Putin Didn’t Want Hillary As President

April 24, 2019 at 10:07 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Vampire novel) (, , )

Renfield R. Renfield MP was once again being interviewed on BBC News.

The topic was why Vladimir Putin didn’t want to see Hillary Clinton elected President of the U.S. in 2016.

“Well,” Renfield answered, “I’m sure Putin observed very carefully the successful foreign policy that Hillary implemented as Barack Obama’s Secretary of State. Her and Barack Obama’s interference in the internal affairs of Libya and Syria turned those two countries into the bastions of stability and beacons of light that the world can easily recognize in both nations today. Had not Gen. Abdel al-Sisi overthrown the hardline Islamist government of Egypt that was elected to power in the wake of Bararack and Hillary’s toppling of long time western ally Hosni Mubarak, Egypt would most likely be an anarchic basketcase like Libya or a war-torn bombshell of a country like Syria. The only successful case in the entire so-called Arab Spring of 2011 was in Tunisia and that was because that insurrection was planned by the Tunisian people themselves and not interfering American busybodies like Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton. Fortunately for the world, Hillary retired as Secretary of State in 2013 to start planning her campaign to be U.S. President in 2016. Also fortunate for the world, Putin recognized that with the incredible harm Hillary managed to accomplish as U.S. Secretary of State, she would manage to do even more incredible harm as President. From thereon, she was a marked woman as far as Putin was concerned. Now today, she’s a woman reduced to sticking pins in voodoo dolls as she herself mentioned in her last book. Fortunately for her opponents, her voodoo is about as good as the witchcraft spells being cast on a daily basis by Antichrist Hollywood’s resident airhead Alyssa Milano.”

“And so America got stuck with Trump?” The interviewer noted.

“Yes, America got stuck with Trump,” Renfield nodded, “we now know that Trump’s idea of making America great again was to have the country looking like Paris’ Notre Dame Cathedral on the morning of April 16th 2019. But at least it’s just America that has paid the price. We don’t have to worry about other countries falling into either anarchy or civil war because those on the American so-called progressive Left figure that what’s good enough for the American so-called progressive Left is good enough for the rest of the world.”

Hillary made a voodoo doll of Renfield after watching the interview.

“Ouch!” She suddenly screamed from the living room.

“What’s up?” Bill called out from the kitchen where he had been making himself Joe Biden’s recipe for a baloney sandwich.

The same recipe Biden would be using before delivering an important speech tomorrow.

“I’ve pricked my thumb with a pin,” Hillary cried.

“Have you been making voodoo dolls again?” Bill asked.

“Yes,” Hillary answered.

“Say, you weren’t expecting a visit from Alyssa Milano were you?” Bill queried.

“No,” Hillary shook her head, “why do you ask?”.

“I noticed some damned fool just flew her broomstick into the birdbath and now she’s being attacked by a flock of pigeons,” Bill gave verbal commentary while looking out the kitchen window.

“Charmed, I’m sure,” the talking pigeon who led the flock of birds quipped as he crapped all over her.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday April 24th
2019.

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U.S. Democrats and Radical Feminists Will Always Believe The Women Unless The Accused Is Named Bill Clinton

September 28, 2018 at 10:34 pm (Commentary, Culture, Geopolitics and International Relations, Horror, International Intrigue, News, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

U.S. Democrats and Radical Feminists Will Always Believe The Women Unless The Accused Is Named Bill Clinton

“U.S. Democrats and radical feminists will always believe the women unless the accused is named Bill Clinton.”

Such was the reply given by British MP Renfield R. Renfield when he was asked to give his response on the reaction of various groups of Americans to the jail time sentence for disgraced comedian Bill Cosby and the Senate hearings regarding Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh.

Then Renfield added, “The same goes as well for the idiots at The Washington Post and The New York Times. They will always believe the women as well unless the accused is named Bill Clinton.”

Mrs. Worthington the rabid fanatical British and European football (soccer in the U.S. and Canada) fan who always got into violent vitriolic pub and bar brawls on the subject with other customers who were fans of her favourite teams’ opponents added (she was Renfield’s lunch companion at the time), “Just like these same gang of idiots are always opposed to pedophile covering up bishops unless the pedophile covering up bishop happens to be named Pope Francis. The only so-called “progressive” far leftist paper that seems to have a sense of decency is Der Spiegel which is finally attacking Pope Francis for protecting those priests and bishops who molest altar boys or rape young male seminarians.”

“Now, Mother, do calm yourself,” said Mrs. Worthington’s son Athelstan who was the butler and valet to the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set and was taking the day off to escort his mother around London, “Remember what your doctor says about your heart condition.”

“I’ll have to get a new doctor,” Mrs. Worthington answered, “He died yesterday. He’s the 32nd doctor in the past 10 years who’s died on me after constantly advising me to stop getting excited while watching British and European and FIFA World Cup Football games and to keep out of pub and bar brawls on the subject because it might aggravate my heart condition and I’ll keel over.”

“Mr. Renfield,” a reporter asked the MP, “why do U.S. Democrats, radical feminists, the New York Times and The Washington Post go after people like Brett Kavanaugh (who may or may not be guilty) but give a free pass to the likes of Bill Clinton and Pope Francis?”.

“Those sexual predators who either knowingly or unknowingly worship the demons Moloch and Baphomet they will give a free pass to,” Renfield answered, “since likewise most U. S. Democrats, radical feminists, Washington Post and New York Times editors and reporters either knowingly or unknowingly worship Moloch and Baphomet and their sacrifice of innocent human life agendas.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday September 28th
2018.

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Pan Goatee’s Continuing Aesthetic Cleansing and False Flag Chemical Attack In Syria

September 4, 2018 at 10:38 pm (Aesthetics, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Vampire novel, war) (, , , , , , , , , , )

Pan Goatee’s Continuing Aesthetic Cleansing And False Flag Chemical Attack In Syria

DARPA contract assassin and genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee was riding the public transit train 🚊 when he noticed a stupid looking fat ugly white blimp boarded the train with her equally stupid looking heavyset white boyfriend.

What a travesty! Goatee thought to himself.

Proof positive that the decline of civilization was upon us.

He could well imagine the great Renaissance Pope Julius II (who commissioned Michelangelo to decorate the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel and hired a young man named Raphael as an artist to bring numerous artistic improvements to the Vatican) rolling over in his Michelangelo sculpted tomb.

Oh well, at least this allowed him to see the direction his papal successor Pope Francis was going when he got around to kicking the bucket.

Pan Goatee realized that such a horribly and repulsively ugly looking couple would produce multitudes of equally repulsive ugly looking children.

And while the progeny of such a horrible to contemplate union would probably result in the final nail in the coffin of the ludicrous ideas of the white race supremacist theory, for the sake of aesthetics and the end of visual pollution in the world (a subject totally ignored by Pope Francis in his environmental encyclical Laudato Si), he Pan Goatee the 21st Century Saviour of the Human Race (a title that America’s Twitterer-In-Chief had reserved for himself) would have to stop such a union in its tracks.

Pan Goatee went up and beheaded the ugly looking couple.

Later when Pan Goatee was sitting on a public transit bus 🚎, the bus was about to leave when the stupid low-IQ holding bus driver stopped to let a repulsive fat ugly white blimp on the bus (a blimp who could easily win elephant hands down the Ms. Fat Ugly White Blimp Ugliness Pageant in what was a city of mainly fat ugly white blimps).

Pan Goatee immediately went up and beheaded the fat ugly blimp saying aloud the prayer, “Lord, deliver us from all ugliness.”

A prayer that had been composed by the great Renaissance Pope Julius II.

A prayer that had been omitted from the lectionary of Pope John XXIII’s Second Vatican Council that resulted in the past 60 years of bad theology and the past 20 years of lousy aesthetics in that part of the world’s population most heavily influenced by post-Vatican II neo-modernist theology.

After kicking the fat ugly blimp’s head off the bus and killing a Neo-Nazi Ku Klux Klansman with the hideous looking projectile, Pan Goatee then beheaded the stupid low-IQ holding white bus driver saying aloud the prayer, “Lord, deliver us from stupidity” – a prayer composed by one of Donald Trump’s ancestors (a prayer that went unanswered).

He then cut the stupid bus driver up into 666 quintillion pieces and put all the parts inside a non-City of Calgary approved garbage bag.

At that moment, Pan Goatee received a text message on his Samsung Galaxy smart phone from Australia’s leading poet that he should really start using environmentally friendly garbage bags that met with the approval of Pope Francis.

Oh well, Goatee thought to himself, he really didn’t have time to find an environmentally friendly garbage bag now because as one might now say of the late brainless bus driver’s remains, “Lord, he stinketh.” (A line that had been used originally by another one of Donald Trump’s ancestors- an Elizabethan-Jacobean theatre 🎭 critic after a negative 👎 review he wrote of William Shakespeare’s Hamlet).

Pan Goatee then went to another drug dealer gang controlled neighbourhood in the city and poured gasoline on the brainless bus driver’s remains and threw the bag through the window of the neighbourhood’s main drug selling house.

This caused a 32-alarm fire that burned down the entire neighbourhood and made roasted toasted very well done marshmallows out of drug gang members.

Once again Pablo Escobar’s ghost wept over the spectacle and Nero’s ghost stood there scratching his chin 🤔 wondering what tune he should play on his violin 🎻 as this had been happening so often lately, he was starting to run out of fresh tunes for his audience.

. . .

Donald Trump was sitting at his desk in the Oval Office looking immensely depressed.

He wasn’t immensely depressed because of what journalist and writer Bob Woodward had reported about him Donald Trump in the investigative reporter’s latest book.

He was depressed because he hadn’t been invited to attend Aretha Franklin’s funeral last Friday.

As such, he missed out on the opportunity to ogle Ariana Grande’s shapely and lovely derrière.

Why should Crooked Hillary’s husband get to have all the fun?

Meanwhile on the Twitterer-In-Chief’s desk, a severed charcoal burnt human hand was desperately trying to get Trump’s attention by pointing at a certain spot on the globe of the world on Trump’s desk.

. . .

Meanwhile in the province of Idlib, Syria 🇸🇾, a radical Islamist militant terrorist group (acting on the orders of Donald Trump’s, Emmanuel Macron’s and Theresa May’s intelligence agencies) was preparing a chemical weapons attack against civilians in the region to give the 3 western leaders an excuse to bomb the Hell out of Damascus in a last ditch western effort to drive Bashar al-Assad out of power.

Unbeknownst to Donald Trump, a 300,000 man Russian military force was in the Mediterranean (a sea 🌊 that Trump was unable to locate on the globe of the world) heading straight towards Allied forces aimed against Syria 🇸🇾.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday September 4th
2018.

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The Ariana Grande Concert Tickets: To Bill’s Or Not To Bill’s?

September 2, 2018 at 11:53 pm (Commentary, Culture, Fashion, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Music, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

The Ariana Grande Concert Tickets: To Bill’s Or Not To Bill’s?

Former U. S. President Bill Clinton saw the hostile look on Hillary’s face.

Oh God, what had he done now?

At that moment, Bill wished he had a wash cloth to wipe the stain off his blue trousers.

“I was going through the desk drawer when I noticed these tickets to an Ariana Grande concert,” Hillary seethed, “did you buy them?”.

“Oh, they may have been a gift from somebody,” Bill put his finger on his nose, “I didn’t know what they were.”

“Oh really?” Hillary smirked sarcastically, “I noticed you couldn’t keep your eyes off Ariana Grande’s short skirted ass when she sang (You Make Me Feel Like) A Natural Woman at Aretha Franklin’s funeral this past Friday.”

Bill was thinking to himself that Bishop Charles H. Ellis III was certainly feeling himself a natural woman that day and envied the pastor.

The former President’s thoughts returned to the screeching voice that seemed to be unnatural to this world.

He quickly put the Taco Bell burrito 🌯 he had been eating back in his pocket.

“Well, what about it?” Hillary’s voice sounded like fingernails scraping on a blackboard, “The whole world noticed how you were ogling Ariana Grande’s skirted ass at Aretha’s funeral.”

“I did not have my eyes ogling at that woman’s skirted ass,” Bill protested, “I was just enjoying her performance.”

“Oh, is that what you call it?” Hillary smirked again,” “I was watching you . I noticed you couldn’t keep your eyes off her ass the whole time.”

“You make me sound like that rising new British MP Renfield R. Renfield,” Bill protested, “Most unfair is that comparison.

Renfield would most undoubtedly agree.

“And what about the date on these Ariana Grande concert tickets?” Hillary asked, “I noticed they’re for the same night that you said you couldn’t accompany me to the Illuminati Deep State Conspirators’ Club dinner meeting. You told me something else had come up. Is this what came up?”.

Hillary waved the concert tickets at him.

“Of course not,” Bill felt his nose again.

“What was it you had to attend that night then?” Hillary asked.

“I can’t remember,” Bill answered.

“You can’t remember?” Hillary chortled like an owl in a hurricane, “and what about having your eyes on Ariana’s ass the whole time she was singing last Friday?”.

“That’s not true,” Bill protested, “at one point, I exchanged words with Rev. Jesse Jackson.”

“I imagine you two were probably exchanging lustful fantasies with one another,” Hillary seethed.

“That’s not true,” Bill felt his nose again.

Meanwhile at Rev. Jesse Jackson’s house, the good minister was trying to explain to his wife the tickets to the Ariana Grande concert she had just found in his coat pocket (coincidentally for the same night as the date on the concert tickets that Hillary had found).

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday September 2nd
2018.


What would probably have been Bill and Jesse’s favourite view if they had attended the Ariana Grande concert.
And if the night had turned out the way Jesse wanted, would Bill have spent the rest of the evening singing that old 1980s Rick Springfield song, “I wish that I had Jessie’s girl…”?

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Wedding Crashers and The Third Temple

July 19, 2018 at 10:57 pm (Avatar Speaks, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , )

Wedding Crashers and The Third Temple

Peter Whitstable the Fox Mulder of Interpol was staying in an old English country inn on the hunt for two demonically possessed dogs who were busy terrorizing the English countryside.

He received a phone call from an Interpol operative in Israel 🇮🇱 who had an unusual matter of a paranormal nature to report.

He had seen a wedding being performed on top of the Temple Mount in Jerusalem.

The officiating clergyman at the wedding was recently installed Vatican Cardinal Samhain Salaman (a former professional stage magician).

The groom was Baphomet (the hermaphrodite half-human half-goat entity who was worshiped by some Knights-Templar back in the Middle Ages).

The bride was Panty Goatee the recently genetically cloned twin sister of world famous DARPA contract assassin and satyr serial killer Pan Goatee.

Panty was topless at the wedding but wearing a black scarf around her shoulders that covered both her breasts as well as black leather gloves on her arms and a long red skirt instead of a white wedding dress.

On her head instead of a white bridal veil, she wore a pair of large painted black goat’s horns.

The virginal young clone Panty Goatee had been ordered to marry the Baphomet by Dr. Faustus Imhotep her boss at DARPA.

At the moment when Cardinal Samhain Salaman asked Panty Goatee, “Do you take this hermaphrodite half-man half-goat to be your legal wedded spouse from this night forward…?”.

At that moment a Black Jaguar leapt on the Temple Mount interrupting the ceremony by snarling in a form of ancient Mayan.

Cardinal Salaman felt under his cassock and pulled out a smart phone (much to best man Dr. Faustus Imhotep’s relief).

He then googled for an ancient Mayan language translation app to download but, by then, it was too late.

The Black Jaguar stood up on his hind legs and then grabbed the black scarf, black leather gloves and long red skirt wearing Panty Goatee with his front legs and then carried her off into the night of the Jerusalem dusk.

A shooting star 🌠 fell from the sky over Jerusalem.

. . .

Former U.S. President Bill Clinton was having trouble sleeping.

He decided to go downstairs to the refrigerator and pour himself a glass of milk 🥛.

As he tip toed down the stairs, he noticed his wife Hillary Rodham Clinton (the 2016 Democratic Party Presidential candidate) standing in the dimly lit living room by a black coloured burning candle and dressed in the robes of a Haitian voodoo high priestess. A group of 13 men in gray and black coloured suits, ties and jackets were kneeling on the floor in front of her paying her obeisance.

Bill very stealthily tip toed into the kitchen, quietly opened the refrigerator door and instead of a glass of milk he grabbed himself a can of Budweiser beer and equally stealthily tip toed back upstairs and into his bedroom where he quietly closed the door.

As quietly as possible, he tried to open the can, then put the beer to his lips and wondered what the Hell was going on?

. . .

Amadeus Emanon heard the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set’s antique phone ring in the kitchen of the colossal West London mansion.

He picked it up.

It was his good friend British MP Renfield R. Renfield calling.

Renfield was still up in Oxford.

“I’ll be in Oxford a few more days,” Renfield said as he splashed around in a hot tub with several hot looking young female Oxford summer student coeds.

“Say, I was going to ask you, why the Hell do you suppose Donald Trump invited Vladimir Putin to Washington DC this fall?” Amadeus queried.

“Well,” Renfield smiled as one of the coeds licked his kosher sausage, “the man is either fully clinically insane or if there’s method to his madness, the Jared Kushner Middle East peace plan is definitely a go and Trump would most definitely need Vladimir Putin’s backing for the plan to go ahead.”

Amadeus watched on the kitchen television as Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu officially declared Israel “the nation-state of the Jewish people” after winning a vote to do so in the Israeli Knesset.

“What do you think is going to happen next in the Middle East?” Amadeus asked.

“Well,” Renfield watched the Netanyahu announcement on the BBC News App on the Samsung Galaxy S8 smart phone located in the bikini between one coed’s two breasts, “we’ve got the U.S. Embassy now in Jerusalem, we have just had Netanyahu proclaim Israel the Nation-State (it was just State before) of the Jewish people and next on the agenda I suspect is the building of the Third Jewish Temple on the Temple Mount.”

“But won’t the Arabs object to that?” Amadeus was incredulous.

“Not necessarily,” Renfield remarked as a text message from Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman came in on his smart phone.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday July 19th
2018.

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Michelangelo Peeks Into The Clintons’ Future

December 6, 2016 at 5:41 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Michelangelo Peeks Into The Clintons’ Future

Renfield R. Renfield asked Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster to peer into the future of Bill and Hillary Clinton to see what they’re up to.

Michelangelo’s vision would be transferred via his lobster antennae to a computer screen that Renfield was watching.

“It looks like the Clintons are having a wee bit of a tiff,” Renfield remarked as he gazed at the computer screen.

Hillary (screaming): Bill, anything you can do, I can do better.

Bill (answering back): Oh yeah. Well I got to be President of the United States and you didn’t. (sticks his tongue out) Nyaaah, nyaah, nyaah, nyaah! Ha! Ha!

(Hillary grabs a frying pan and hits Bill over the head with it)

Sound of Frying Pan (hitting Bill’s head): Clang!

(Bill falls to the floor unconscious)

(Hillary bangs a gong to call the Secret Service)

Sound of gong being struck by Hillary: Clang!

(A group of terrified Secret Service agents arrive in the room)

Hillary (pointing to her unconscious husband on the floor): Will you please pick Bill up and drag him out to the dog house in the back yard again and leave him there!

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday December 6th
2016.

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Hillary and Bill and The Zombie Apocalypse

November 2, 2016 at 4:37 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, News, Politics, Satire, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Hillary and Bill and The Zombie Apocalypse

Renfield R. Renfield was once again taking advantage of genetically created psychic lobster Michelangelo’s remote viewing abilities to find out what was going on behind the scenes of the Clinton campaign .

Renfield was getting a kick out of what was happening with Hillary:

“What applies to mere mortals doesn’t apply to Hillary Clinton,” Hillary shrieked in the third person as she threw a vase at an FBI agent.

Meanwhile Bill Clinton was meeting with famed South African witch doctor Sterling Makabo who was noted for being able to raise the dead as zombies.

“As you know, Dr. Makabo,” Bill blushed, “Fox News has discovered to our embarrassment that a lot of registered voters on voters’ lists are in fact dead. These same dead people were going to vote for Hillary at the polls but now some people are making a big stink about this. So Dr. Makabo, if you’re able to raise these people from their respective graves and cemeteries as zombies, then they could trudge into the polls and vote.”

“I could do that,” Dr. Makabo admitted, “but they would trudge into the polls with their arms in front of them, with an empty vacant look in their eyes, grunt and groan a lot and say in a mindless voice, We need brains.”

“Well then they’d fit right in with most voters,” Bill grinned.

And so it was arranged and agreed upon.

Doctor Makabo would raise dead people from the dead as zombies to vote for Hillary.

The listening Renfield found it quite appropriate that a country so taken with the idea of a zombie apocalypse as the U.S. had been for the past 5 to 6 years- that the Zombie Apocalypse would finally arrive on U.S. Election Day.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday November 2nd
2016.

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Hillary’s War Chest

October 26, 2016 at 4:21 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , )

Hillary’s War Chest

Just on the off chance her many numbered bank accounts around the world might be tracked down and discovered, Hillary had her own personal chest (that had once belonged to the Caribbean pirate Blackbeard) containing some of the millions of dollars she had received from corrupt Third World dictators around the globe.

One dictator who had neglected to donate to Hillary was Syrian President Bashar al-Assad and of course now he was paying the price.

Hillary was now running her hands through all the cold hard cash that was in her personal war chest.

“Money, money, money,” Hillary sang the popular ABBA song from the 1970s.

She then shattered all the champagne glasses with her rendition of Madonna’s “We are living in a material world and I am a material girl…”

At that moment Bill Clinton walked in.

“Bill,” Hillary shrieked, “don’t walk in without knocking. I thought you were a reporter for the National Enquirer for a second and here I was counting some of the millions I’ve got through the Clinton Foundation. You almost gave me a heart attack.”

“Speaking of the National Enquirer,” Bill grinned, “did you hear that ET gray Gali- Gula who appeared on Coast To Coast AM with George Noory last night say that you can now tell how bad the American news media has become when the National Enquirer is now the only news media outlet you can really trust to tell the truth?”.

“That’s fascinating, Bill,” Hillary glared at him, “but what were you doing coming in without knocking?”.

“Well to be honest, I didn’t think you were going to be in here, ” Bill answered.

“Oh no?” Hillary put her hands on her hips, “who’d you think would be in here? I noticed that hot looking young campaign intern was here when I first came in. Were you expecting her?”.

“Uh… no, I wasn’t,” Bill felt his nose to make sure it wasn’t growing bigger like Pinocchio’s.

“You really should check other parts of your anatomy to make sure they aren’t growing bigger when I mention hot young interns, Bill,” Hillary gave Bill the dark-eyed look of Hecate.

Bill looked down and then protested, “But still, I’m no Donald Trump when it comes to sexually harassing women.”

“No, you’re a Bill Clinton,” Hillary answered, “which is worse.”

“But you’ve never said that publicly,” Bill protested.

“No, I had that particular question thrown out when the moderator leaked it to me ahead of time,” Hillary answered.

Meanwhile in the Set Enterprises laboratory in London, Renfield R. Renfield was enjoying the scene that genetically created psychic lobster Michelangelo was picking up through remote viewing of the Clinton Campaign Headquarters- the scene that Michelangelo was transferring to Renfield’s computer through his psychic lobster antennae.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday October 25th
2016.

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Pan Goatee’s Ongoing Efforts To Make The World A More Beautiful Place To Live

March 2, 2016 at 8:38 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, Horror, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

Pan Goatee’s Ongoing Efforts To Make The World A More Beautiful
Place To Live

“Jesus fucking H. Christ, that woman’s repulsively ugly,” serial killer and U.S. government contract assassin Pan Goatee thought to himself when he noticed the walking outhouse droppings ugly woman cyclist standing at the corner holding on to her bicycle (what incredibly bad deeds had this ill-fated bicycle done in a past incarnation that assigned him such an incredibly Hellish fate of karma in this lifetime?).

One thing that Pan Goatee had noted in his existence since he was genetically created in a lab as a reborn satyr from Greek mythology 3 years ago was that most women cyclists were quite repulsively ugly.

He didn’t know why (the more Sherlock Holmesian inclined genetic creation Renfield R. Renfield would have deduced that it was probably because beautiful women got driven to and fro in luxury automobiles owned by guys while of course the ugly women didn’t).

As such brainless big city mayors shouldn’t be shutting down lanes of streets, roads and highways to allow for more bicycle lanes and paths.

This only encouraged the ugly of the world to leave their rooms and closets and dark holes (where they belonged!) and go out and about in the external world (ruining everyone’s day when they were confronted with the sight of such disgraceful aesthetic abominations of nature gone horribly and terribly wrong).

As the ugly cyclist walked by, Pan Goatee lopped off her ugly head with a machete.

“You stupid ugly looking piece of shit,” Pan Goatee shouted, “I’m going to make an example of you..”

He then used the machete to chop her entire body up into thinly sliced pieces of flesh and bone on the street.

A Japanese tourist filmed the whole thing with his smart phone and posted it on line.

The video went viral.

“I like this guy,” Renfield R. Renfield commented as he ate some popcorn and got a blow job from an admittedly beautiful woman.

“I like this guy,” former U.S. President Bill Clinton said as he watched the video on a desktop computer.

“Bill, what are you doing?” Hillary screamed as she entered the office, “and what is that young female campaign intern doing between your legs?”.

“I have no idea, dear,” Bill gulped, “I didn’t even know she was down there. I swear. I did not have…”

“I like this guy,” the Aztec feathered serpent god Quetzalcoatl said as he watched the popular YouTube video while eating a bucket of human hearts and a bucket of KFC at the same time.

As he licked his fingers and wondered where his wet wipe finger tissues got to, he contemplated the idea of a Trump Presidency and wondered whether a wall built along the Mexico-U.S. border would block easy access to the Aztec gold that America Unearthed History Channel TV host Scott Wolter claimed was secretly buried somewhere in the American state of Utah.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday March 2nd
2016.

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