Vampire Set Gets A Food Bill For 4500 British Pounds

October 29, 2011 at 7:57 pm (Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

The billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set almost had a heart attack (he would have if he had been a mere mortal) when he noticed his estate’s food bill.

“In the name of Amun-Ra,” Set swore, “we paid 4500 pounds sterling just for one single piece of fish.”

“Apparently,” Renfield nodded, “the fish was a 10 kilogram Empurau or Emperor fish. It’s an exotic variety of fish that’s found in the Malaysian province of Sarawak on the island of Borneo. It can apparently cost up to RM 6,000 in Malaysian currency or roughly $2,000 in U.S. currency. So it’s no surprise that it cost us 4500 pounds sterling.”

“But who the Hell ordered it?” Set asked.

“Amadeus,” Renfield answered, “he’s developed an appetite for Malaysian cuisine recently.”

“Well please tell Amadeus to develop an appetite for a less expensive form of cuisine,” Set ordered.

“Will do, sir,” Renfield made a note of that on his iPad.

“By the way,” Set asked, “did you or I or Athelstan get to taste a piece of this Empurau fish?”.

“No,” Renfield shook his head, “Amadeus ate all 10 kilograms of it by himself at one sitting.”

“Amadeus,” it was the voice of Amadeus’s date for the evening the New Orleans singer Angelique Dumont at the front door of the mansion, “you seem to have put on a lot of weight since I last saw you.”

To be continued.

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Jack O’ Hare On Mount Kinabalu

September 29, 2011 at 4:53 pm (Poetry) (, , , , , )

Jack O’ Hare On Mount Kinabalu
A poem written by Christopher Van Helsing
Wednesday evening September 28th 2011
Inspired by an old Kadazandusun legend
related by Quareztina Sandai

Jack O’ Hare was wondering where his friend went
he did not know Chris was paying apartment rent
so he set off to the big city in search of his pal
oblivious to Swiss CERN reactors raising Hell
they caused a warp in time
and sent Jack crashing into lime
on the top of Mount Kinabalu
and as a cow did moo
there was Prince Wu
practicing Kung Fu.

With a whack the prince hit a dragon on the head
so hard the dragon was very soon dead
and then the prince found a pearl of great price
while Jack ordered some Borneo fried rice.

The prince found a Kadazan woman so pretty
he married her in front of a priest so witty
that Jack laughed so hard his pants he pissed
while the happy couple kissed and kissed.

But Prince Wu already had a girl back home in Beijing
and after his honeymoon night left without packing
the jilted bride
cried and cried
wandering Mount Kinabalu
her tears turned to dew
and she turned to stone
causing Jack to moan.

Jack set out to avenge the girl
and hopped over mountains to whirl
like the wind of rage that he was
he met his Chinese hare coz
and aunts and uncles
sailing small junkles
he reached the Forbidden City
his determination gritty.

He found Prince Wu
near the Imperial Zoo
he found a baker and baked the prince a cake
then he found the prince near a lake
and said, “Have a piece…
your hunger will cease.”

So the Prince ate the cake
which baker did shake and bake
and Jack filled with laxatives
amidst the ancient Plaxadives
(what those were now lost to history)
and like twinkling eye full of mystery
the Prince died of a massive bowel movement
while Jack happy danced the groove-ment
(a groovy dance on the pavement
eating donuts filled with jellymint).

And so ends our sad tale…
now lost like history’s mail
the Kadazan woman avenged
after she turned to Stonehenge
on Mount Kinabalu
where her tears are the dew.

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