Alfred The Great Receives A Visit From Cana Cludhmor

May 26, 2021 at 10:37 pm (Fantasy, Folklore, History, Mythology, Short Story) (, , )

Alfred the Great Receives A Visit From Cana Cludhmor

Alfred the Great (848/49-26th October 899) was king of the West Saxons from 871 to 886 and then king of all the Anglo-Saxons from 886 to 899.

He was the youngest son of King Aethelwulf (reigned 839-858) who died when Alfred was young.

Alfred’s three older brothers Aethelbald, Aethulberht and Aethulred all reigned before him.

When his last older brother Aethulred died in April 871, the kingdoms of the Anglo-Saxons were under siege by the Vikings.

While Alfred was busy with the burial ceremonies for his brother, the Danes defeated the Anglo-Saxons at an unknown spot in Alfred’s absence.

Alfred then went on to meet the Danes at the Battle of Wilton in May 871.

He was defeated smashing any remaining hope that Alfred could drive away the invaders from his kingdom.

Alfred was instead forced to make peace with them and pay them tribute.

When the young Alfred returned to his castle shortly after the battle and had gone to bed falling into a deep sleep, he was awakened by the sound of a harp playing.

Alfred looked up and noticed a beautiful woman standing there playing the harp.

“Who are you?” Alfred asked as his loyal, faithful and ever alert (?) watch dog continued to sleep on the rug besides his bed.

“I am Cana Cludhmor the inventor of the harp,” the woman answered.

“You sound Irish?” Alfred noted.

“Indeed,” the woman nodded, “The Irish venerate me as their goddess of music, inspiration and dreams.”

“What do you want?” Alfred asked.

“Be not discouraged by your recent defeat by the Vikings,” Cana Cludhmor said, “For the next time you are awakened by the playing of my harp again, note you shall achieve victory against the Danes.”

Seven years later in May 878 Alfred was awakened by Cana Cludhmor’s harp playing and went on to defeat the Vikings at the Battle of Edington (also known as the Battle of Ethandun).

One of the terms of the Danish surrender was that Guthrum the leader of the Danish Great Heathen Army convert to Christianity.

Three weeks later Guthrum and 29 of his chief men were baptised at Alfred’s court with Alfred becoming Guthrum’s godfather.

Guthrum took the baptismal name of Aethelstan.

Under his baptismal name of Aethelstan, he ruled as king of East Anglia from 879 to 890.

And thus with the playing of an Irish Celtic harp, Alfred the Great defeated the Vikings.

-A short story written by Christopher
Thursday May 26th 2021.

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Lepardia Marango and Dracul Van Helsing On Saint David’s Day In Wales

March 1, 2018 at 10:37 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Romance, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Lepardia Marango and Dracul Van Helsing On Saint David’s Day In Wales 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁷󠁬󠁳󠁿

Lepardia Marango the cultural attaché at the South African Embassy in London was visiting the Principality of Wales.

She decided to visit Saint David’s Day celebrations in Wales 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁷󠁬󠁳󠁿 and report back to her government in Pretoria what she had discovered about the manner in which the Welsh celebrate the feast day of their national Patron Saint.

As she crossed the border from England’s Herefordshire County into Wales, it was then that the worst of the Siberian snow ❄️ storm freezing cold air system that the British were calling the Beast From The East decided to hit Wales with full force.

It was a good thing that the car had an excellent heating system as she was wearing a short skirt.

With the blowing snow, she decided that she probably would not definitely be able to make it as far as Cardiff the Welsh capital.

Driving down the highway, she came across the small village of Llanvihangel Crucorney (pronounced Clanvihangel Crew-corny) and decided to stay at the Skirrid Inn there since she could not drive further in the snow.

Fortunately they did have one room left.

She went to the dining room for supper where Welsh rarebit was the Saint David’s Night special.

Seated a few seats away from her was the Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing who had also been visiting Wales to attend Saint David’s Day celebrations and had also got caught up in the Saint David’s Day snow storm.

Dracul caught a glimpse of Lepardia’s short skirt and her lovely black silk pantyhose clad legs.

He went over and spoke to her, “Aren’t you Lepardia Marango the cultural attaché at the South African Embassy in London?”.

“Yes, I am,” she smiled, “You’re Dracul Van Helsing aren’t you? We met at Renfield R. Renfield’s Parliamentary Christmas 🎄 Cocktail Party back in December.”

They had dinner together.

When both went to their respective rooms for the night, the cold stone of the inn could not keep out the cold from outside.

Both had got up at the same time to go downstairs for warm coffee or tea.

“Gee, maybe we should keep one another warm,” Dracul suggested.

“That might not be a bad idea,” Lepardia smiled.

They went back to Lepardia’s room and spent the rest of the night making love.

On the radio which was playing softly in the background, BBC News was playing Vladimir Putin’s Russian 🇷🇺 State of the Union Address in which the Russian leader boasted that he was now in possession of a nuclear weapon that was invincible.

So for that matter did Dracul Van Helsing.

Lepardia Marango squealed with delight.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday March 1st
2018.

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Renfield and Jane Austen

July 18, 2017 at 3:01 pm (books, Celebrities, History, Literature, News, Vampire novel) (, , , )

British Transhumanist MP Renfield R. Renfield returned to his home- the colossal London mansion of the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set.

At the door, he was greeted by Set’s personal valet and butler Athelstan.

“You’re wearing more black than usual today, Athelstan,” Renfield noted, “Is there something wrong?”.

“Begging your pardon today, sir,” Athelstan answered, “but I’m in mourning.”

“Did your mother die after being killed in a bar room brawl arguing over who’s the best premier league football player in all England?” Renfield asked.

“No, sir,” Athelstan shook his head, “but I do worry about that happening, I must admit. Every time I see her, I keep telling her, Mother, you’re going to have to stop drinking and getting into violent arguments about British, European and FIFA World Football at the same time. Having to bail you out of jail all the time is starting to affect my savings to say nothing of my worrying about you being killed in one of these silly arguments.”

“If it’s not your mother,” Renfield inquired, “who is it that you’re in mourning for?”.

“It was 200 years ago today, sir, on July 18th 1817 that the great British novelist Jane Austen died,” Athelstan looked sad, “I’m in mourning for her.”

“Did you personally know her, Athelstan?” Renfield opened up a bottle of Brown Ale.

“No, sir, I’m not a vampire, I’m a mortal 50 years old,” Athelstan replied, “but I do love her work.”

“Didn’t Dracul Van Helsing once play Mr. Darcy in an amateur drama company’s live theatrical production of Pride and Prejudice in his home town in Alberta, Canada?” Renfield asked.

“I believe he did, sir,” Athelstan nodded.

“Well, carry on then, Athelstan,” Renfield looked at his watch, “and do let me know when it’s the 200th Anniversary of Charles Dickens’ death.”

“I will, sir,” Athelstan took Renfield’s hat and cane and now empty bottle of Brown Ale.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday June 18th
2017.

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Renfield Meets Queen Elizabeth II

May 13, 2016 at 6:25 pm (Comedy, Geopolitics and International Relations, Humour, International Espionage, International Intrigue, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Renfield Meets Queen Elizabeth II

Renfield R. Renfield was feeling quite jealous of Amadeus Emanon these days.

Amadeus was getting lots of dates with beautiful women.

While he, Renfield, was striking out with beautiful women left, right and center.

He would definitely be ineligible to sign on as a designated hitter with a Major League Baseball team.

To top it off, Amadeus had recently been invited to a Royal event to mark Her Majesty The Queen’s 90th Birthday.

And Renfield had received no invitation from the Palace to attend anything.

Still Renfield had heard that Her Majesty would be holding yet another Royal Garden Tea Party to celebrate Her 90th year.

So Renfield decided to shapeshift into a hamster and enter the event that way.

And that’s exactly what he did.

He scurried under a table where he promptly shapeshifted back into his human form.

Then he crawled back out from under the table.

Just as Her Majesty The Queen was helping herself to a watercress sandwich.

“Oh dear, ” said the Queen, “did you lose something?”.

“Yes, I seem to have lost my pen given to me by my favourite grandmother,” Renfield answered.

“Good heavens,” said the Queen sympathetically, “I hope you found it.”

“I did,” Renfield pulled out a Moonlite Bunny Ranch Nevada pen from inside his vest pocket and quickly put it back before Her Majesty could read the logo.

“Is your favourite grandmother still alive?” The Queen asked.

“No,” Renfield shook his head, “she was killed last year while big game hunting in Africa.”

“Great Heavens,” said the Queen.

“Yes, she was mistaken for an American dentist by a lioness girlfriend of the late lamented lion Cecil of Zimbabwe,” Renfield spoke in pseudo-mournful tones.

“How awful,” said the Queen.

“Yes, it didn’t make for a pretty picture,” Renfield agreed, “although surprisingly the picture did go viral on Instagram, Facebook and Twitter.”

“And you are…?” The Queen extended her hand.

“Mr. Renfield R. Renfield,” Renfield shook Her Majesty’s hand and bowed.

“Renfield R. Renfield?” Her Majesty repeated the name, “Funny, I don’t recall seeing that name on the invitation list.”

“Well I occasionally do clandestine work on behalf of both MI-5 and MI- 6,” Renfield answered, “so my name is very hush-hush. Top secret in other words.”

“Oh, I see,” the Queen nodded, “do you understand intelligence service code?”.

“Some,” Renfield nodded.

“Well as you know,” the Queen said, “I was recently caught on camera saying that some Chinese government officials were very rude during last year’s state visit by President Xi Jinping. Today I got a message from the British Embassy in Beijing saying that the said officials had just “got their buns tomatoed by Sherrielock Holmes for their rudeness”. I take it that’s some sort of code.”

“Um… yes it is,” Renfield’s face turned as white as a hamster’s.”

“Hello, Renfield,” a smiling Sherrielock Holmes stood behind the Queen.

“I’ll leave you two alone,” the Queen went over to talk to the French Ambassador to London.

Sherrielock Holmes was dressed in a red rose emblazoned white cocktail dress instead of her usual leather skirted dominatrix attire.

“I take it you snuck into this garden party without an invitation,” Sherrielock smiled an even wider smile.

“Well… uh,” Renfield turned as pale as the moon when it had eaten too much green cheese on a moonlit evening.

Sherrielock opened her dragon leathered Gucci purse and threw out Paris Hilton’s pet Chihuahua and brought out a whip.

“No,” Renfield pleaded.

Renfield’s cries were drowned out by the 21-gun salute for the Queen.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday May 13th 2016.

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Magog En Route To Russia

April 6, 2014 at 4:54 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Magog En Route To Russia

Welsh werewolf British Labour MP Magog Rhys Petley was flying a British Airways flight from London to Moscow.

He was on a secret diplomatic mission for the British government.

He was flying to Moscow to meet Russian President Vladimir Putin and ask him on behalf of the British government to withdraw his troops from the Ukraine-Russia border.

When asked to do this by British Prime Minister David Cameron and British Foreign Secretary William Hague, Rhys Petley asked the two gentlemen, “And what should I offer Putin in return if he does do this?”.

“Use your imagination,” Hague retorted over his cup of tea.

So Magog Rhys Petley was carrying in his wallet a personally autographed copy of the official Engagement photo of Sir Elton John and his future husband David Furnish who would be wed next month under the new laws allowing same sex marriage ceremonies in England and Wales which recently took effect.

Magog would give Putin the photo if he withdrew his troops from the Ukraine-Russia border.

Magog figured he owed the British government this favour.

After all the British government had intervened with the Irish government in Dublin and asked them to drop criminal charges and release the backbench British Labour MP when he was arrested during a Dublin police raid that took place in a Dublin brothel in the late evening hours of Saint Patrick’s Day.

Magog had gone to the brothel to cure his depression and anxiety attacks after he had witnessed a live Druidic human sacrifice ceremony that had taken place earlier that night near Blarney Castle.

Although the tea-toddling Dublin police sergeant who ordered the raid was immediately fired by his superiors for having the audacity to wreck Saint Patrick’s Day celebrations by doing so, Irish prosecutors decided they better prosecute those arrested in the raid.

A quick call from British Prime Minister David Cameron to Irish Taoiseach Enda Kenny (after Cameron had heard the shocking news of Rhys Petley’s arrest in a Dublin bordello) led to the charges against the Welsh MP being discreetly dropped and Magog being discreetly released.

British Labour Party leader Edward Miliband had severely reprimanded his backbench MP when he had returned to his Westminster offices.

“What were you thinking being arrested inside a Dublin bordello?”
Miliband had asked him, “Our London bordellos aren’t good enough for you?”.

And so now Magog was on his way to Moscow to ask Vladimir Putin to kindly remove his troops from the Ukraine-Russia border.

Magog took a quick sip of brandy.

He sure hoped dear Vladimir liked the photo of Sir Elton John and his fiancé David Furnish.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday April 6th
2014.

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