The Mystery of The Em₱ty Gas Tanks

January 20, 2023 at 11:11 pm (Detective story, Geopolitics and International Relations, Humour, International Intrigue, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

British M₱ Renfield R. Renfield was driving his vintage antique 1909 Thomas Flyabout.

  • As he was driving, he noticed a broken down 1999 Vauxhall Omega.
  • Standing alongside it was British ₱rime Minister Rishi Sunak.
  • “Mr. ₱rime Minister,” Renfield called out, “What ha₱₱ened?”.
  • “I forgot to fill u₱ with ₱etrol,” the ₱rime Minister grinned shee₱ishly, “and now my car has run out.”.
  • “Get in,” Renfield o₱ened the ₱assenger side door, “I’ll give you a lift.”
  • Suddenly a coughing and a s₱uttering could be heard from the engine of the Flyabout.
  • “Did you remember to get ₱etrol?” The ₱rime Minister asked.
  • “Maybe not,” Renfield answered.
  • Renfield drove around in circles trying to find a gas station.
  • Finally he decided to sto₱ to ask for directions. “Maybe those ladies u₱ ahead there know where a ₱etrol station is?” Renfield mused aloud:
  • “Um…. Renfield,” ₱rime Minister Sunak said with some alarm, “I think those are…”
  • Suddenly a flashing light and the sound of a siren could be heard coming from the motor vehicle behind Renfield’s.
  • . . .
  • “Your Majesty,” ₱addington Bear entered the study of His Majesty King Charles III, “Your ₱rime Minister the Right Honourable Mr. Rishi Sunak and controversial British M₱ Renfield R. Renfield have both been arrested by Scotland Yard and charged with soliciting for ₱rostitutes.”
  • “Good God,” His Majesty exclaimed.
  • “Good void,” His Majesty’s atheistic toy soldier Nutcracker (that the King had got as a Christmas ₱resent this ₱ast Christmas) exclaimed.
  • “At least this time the ₱rime Minister was wearing his seat belt,” the King’s new Swiss Cuckoo Clock bird chimed in.
  • -A vam₱ire novel cha₱ter
  • written by Christo₱her
  • Friday January 20th
  • 2023.

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  • Reblog of A UK Election Campaign Debate Like No Other

    August 5, 2020 at 10:14 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

    A chapter I wrote 3 years ago- when Renfield ran for MP against British Tory MP Agathor Christie- an election Renfield went on to win.

    Dracul Van Helsing

    Renfield R. Renfield was attending his first election campaign debate in the constituency where he was running- Tewkesbury In The Cotswolds. London dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes was serving as the debate chairwoman since both Renfield and sitting incumbent British Conservative MP Agathor Christie were clients of her dominatrix services.

    The sponsors of the debate thought that Sherrielock could keep at least two of the six candidates running in line.

    Renfield R. Renfield was of course running as the candidate for the British Transhumanist Techno-Progressive Anti Bio-Conservative Party in the constituency.

    The debate would begin with each candidate giving a 5-minute speech talking about their past accomplishments in life.

    Conservative MP Agathor Christie had to be cut short after 5 minutes by Sherrielock Holmes and he had only got up to talking about his first year in kindergarten.

    When Renfield got up to speak, he said, “Here’s one of the many music…

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    Set and The British Lord

    July 28, 2017 at 4:47 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , )

    Set and The British Lord

    The billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set was having dinner with a member of the British House of Lords in the dining room of The Royal Albert Club (the very same club back in the 1920s that Winston Churchill had unofficially met with members of British Intelligence to discuss the Egyptian billionaire’s connections with the rising Nazi movement in Germany).

    The British Lord he was meeting with was Lord Leo of Panthera.

    “So, how does the outlook look for Britain these days?” Set asked Lord Leo.

    “Not so good,” Lord Leo eagerly bit into his veal brought to him by Isaiah the waiter, “it’s not a good thing for Britain to have a minority government just as we’re trying to negotiate Brexit.”

    “Any possibility of a National Unity government forming?” Set asked as he bit into his Duck a l’ Orange.

    “Some talk of it,” Lord Leo drank his coconut milk, “but not much. It’s said that Her Majesty the Queen has her own personal favourite that she’d like to see become Prime Minister in a national unity government.”

    “Oh,” Set washed his duck down with a Bourgogne Pinot Noir, “and who might that be?”.

    Leo paused in the middle of swallowing another slice of veal with his mouth agape in astonishment, “You mean to say you don’t know?”.

    “No, I don’t,” Set was starting to feel like an errant schoolboy who had neglected to do his homework.

    “Renfield R. Renfield the British Transhumanist MP for Tewkesbury In The Cotswolds,” Lord Leo replied.

    “What?” Set spit out a mouthful of Bourgogne Pinot Noir far across the room that caused one gentleman’s Seafood Flambé to become even flambeier, “My former employee who still lives with me in my mansion?”.

    “That’s right,” Lord Leo grinned through his glass of coconut milk.

    “Wow,” Set finished the last of his duck, “it would be quite advantageous to me if Renfield were to become Prime Minister of Britain.”

    “Excuse me, gentleman,” Isaiah the waiter approached them, “but there’s a fire in the house. We would appreciate it if you moved to the nearest fire exits.”

    Set and Lord Leo moved quickly past the now burning out of control Seafood Flambé.

    “Well done, thou good and faithful servant,” Poseidon the Greek god of the sea said to a lobster who perished in the Seafood Flambé that day.

    Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster woke up screaming in his salt water aquarium down at the Set Enterprises laboratories.

    -A vampire novel chapter
    written by Christopher
    Friday July 28th
    2017.

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    Renfield Sings A Song and Is Offered A Bribe

    June 17, 2017 at 3:40 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , )

    At a Saturday picnic for newly elected British MPs, Renfield R. Renfield stood up and sang that old Talking Heads song Our House giving his own variation to it,

    Our house in the middle of our street
    Cars kept driving through it all the time
    Dad should never have built
    our house in the middle of our street…

    Leaving behind a stunned looking group of fellow MPs, Renfield R. Renfield walked up to his parliamentary aide, “You have a message for me?”.

    “Yes,” his aide answered, “from the Paris-based Egyptian vampiress Isis.”

    “Oh,” said Renfield, “my boss’ enemy. Or I should say my former boss’ enemy.”

    As Renfield realized that being an MP, he no longer worked for the London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set.

    Renfield read the message on his aide’s smart phone,

    “My dearest Renfield,

    So pleased to hear you’ve been elected an MP. The British public finally realizes your genius. I’d like to take you for a motorcycle ride and we can discuss our mutual interests. For your pleasure, I’ll wear the same outfit I wore 60 years ago on my cross-country motorcycle tour of France. Please find attached a photo from that cross-country motorcycle tour of the summer of 1957.”

    -Love,
    Isis (the vampiress and not the loser scumbags of Islamic State)

    “I can’t believe the nerve of that vampiress,” Renfield shouted angrily, “Thinking she can bribe me with a cross-country motorcycle tour of France. Who does she think I am?”.

    “Here’s the photo of her and the outfit she wore 60 years ago on her last motorcycle tour,” his aide held up the picture, “the outfit she says she’ll wear again for you.”

    Vampiress Isis Rides A Motorcycle

    Renfield looked at the photo.

    Renfield instructed his aide, “Phone Isis and tell her I’ll be flying over to France right away.”

    -A vampire novel chapter
    written by Christopher
    Saturday June 17th
    2017.

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    Qonzilqointec, Dracul and The Dolphins

    June 16, 2017 at 4:45 pm (Romance, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

    Aztec Vampire Princess Qonzilqointec In Brighton

    The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec was anxiously waiting for Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing in her Brighton seaside resort hotel.room.

    When he entered, she turned swiftly around in her slit skirted peach evening dress and threw out her arms towards him, “Dracul.”

    Dracul ran towards her.

    They embraced.

    Soon Dracul and the Aztec vampire princess were down on the elegant French style sofa making wild passionate love.

    On the television in the next room, BBC News TV cameras were focused on the swearing-in of new Tewkesbury In The Cotswolds MP Renfield R. Renfield.

    “Mr. Renfield, is it true that you’re the greatest lover in Britain?” A reporter asked Renfield.

    “Yes, it is,” Renfield answered.

    Meanwhile in Brighton, Qonzilqointec was having the mother of all orgasms.

    Renfield turned to his parliamentary aide behind him, “I hate to lie on my first day in office. See what we can do about deporting Dracul Van Helsing out of the country.”

    Later down on the Brighton beach, Qonzilqointec and Dracul were making love in the sand.

    “Isn’t this what Olivia Newton John and John Travolta did in Grease?” Qonzilqointec moaned in ecstasy.

    “I think it was Brylcreem rather than ordinary grease that Travolta used,” Dracul answered with the heaving and pounding of the waves on the beach that matched the heaving and pounding of vampire hunter and vampiress.

    Soon as the waves surrounded them and Qonzilqointec shouted, “My God, I’ve never felt so wet,” a pod of dolphins surrounded them.

    “Look,” said Qonzilqointec, “we have an audience.”

    “Dolphins in Brighton,” Dracul said, “that doesn’t happen very often.”

    “They’ve come to watch our lovemaking,” Qonzilqointec sighed

    “Never thought I’d end up a High School Biology teacher for dolphins,” Dracul remarked.

    And the show went on for hours.

    -A vampire novel chapter
    written by Christopher
    Friday June 16th
    2017.

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    Renfield’s Past Forays Into The Theatrical Arts

    June 15, 2017 at 3:12 pm (Entertainment, Geopolitics and International Relations, Musicals, Stage, theatre, Theatre Arts, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

    Britain’s The Sun newspaper decided to do a story on newly elected British MPs.

    The first MP selected was Renfield R. Renfield the newly elected MP for the constituency of Tewkesbury In The Cotswolds.

    He was one of two MPs elected for the British Transhumanist Techno-Progressive Anti Bio-Conservative Party.

    Allthough Mr. Renfield founded the British Transhumanist Party in 2013, he was ousted as Party Leader in 2015 after the British Transhumanist Party’s disastrous showing in the May 2015 UK General Election.

    He was replaced by Welsh songstress Morgana Fay Lee (who some people call the Welsh Vampiress Morgana) as Party Leader.

    Morgana Fay Lee was likewise elected an MP in her constituency of Newbridge in Wales.

    After their two parliamentary electoral victories in this past June 8th UK General Election, Morgana announced she was stepping aside as Party leader saying she was unable to carry out much duties in the daytime (further leading to speculation that she’s a vampiress).
    Welsh Vampiress Morgana
    Welsh Vampiress Morgana After Twilight

    Although Mr. Renfield R. Renfield is a long-time Chief of Security and Intelligence Gathering for the British firm Set Enterprises (owned by the billionaire Egyptian Mr. Sol Invictus Set), he is best known for his forays into the field of theatrical arts.

    A Clockwork Orange
    Scene from Renfield R. Renfield’s West End London’s stage production of Stanley Kubrick’s A Clockwork Orange.

    Puccini's Madame Butterfly
    Scene from Renfield R. Renfield’s production of Puccini’s Madame Butterfly.

    My Fair Lady
    Scene from Renfield R. Renfield’s production of the musical My Fair Lady.

    Hot Girls In Love
    A scene from the music video Renfield R. Renfield shot for the song Hot Girls In Love.

    Alice In Wonderland
    And upon not seeing either the March Hare or the Mad Hatter anywhere in sight, Alice poured tea for herself.
    -From the Renfield R. Renfield production of Alice In Wonderland.

    -A vampire novel chapter
    written by Christopher
    Thursday June 15th
    2017.

    The Welsh Vampiress Morgana
    The Welsh Vampiress Morgana: Never appeared in a Renfield R. Renfield production thus saving her musical and artistic career and allowing her to be elected to Parliament.

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    Election Analysis of Welsh Vampiress Morgana’s Election Victory

    June 10, 2017 at 3:44 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

    Renfield R. Renfield was spending his Saturday in the kitchen of the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set’s colossal London mansion celebrating his past Thursday’s election victory having been elected Member of Parliament for the Tewkesbury In The Cotswolds Constituency (a constituency he had only chose to run in because its then MP Agathor Christie of the Conservatives had dared to appear in an Internet photo with Renfield’s personal dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes the night before British Prime Minister Theresa May called the surprise UK election).

    “Yes, quite often those embarrassing Internet photos can end a politician’s political career,” Amadeus Emanon remarked while thinking sympathetically about Agathor Christie’s humiliating electoral loss of over 17,000 votes to Renfield.

    “Running in the constituency of Tewkesbury In The Cotswolds was the best political decision I ever made,” Renfield grinned seeing as how he only got 1 vote running as a Transhumanist candidate in the constituency of London-Collingwood Hills (where Set’s colossal London mansion was located) in the 2015 UK General Election and had received 0 votes running as an Independent, a Democrat and a Republican in last year’s U.S. Presidential election.

    “Don’t be so smug,” Amadeus commented as he ate his pigeon pie, “if ISIS hadn’t launched terrorist attacks on Manchester and London, you’d never have been elected. Something Allah will no doubt tell the attackers as He sends them straight to Hell, do not pass Go, do not receive a Get Out of Hell Free Card and Do Not Collect 72 Dark-Eyed Virgins.”

    “Wow, that’s a pretty brilliant and profound statement coming from you, Amadeus,” Renfield was impressed.

    “Thanks,” Amadeus drank his Coca-Cola.

    “I wonder how the Welsh Vampiress Morgana managed to win her seat in the Welsh constituency of Newbridge defeating longtime incumbent Labour MP Magog Rhys Petley by over 300 votes,” Renfield mused aloud.

    “According to political analysts in most newspapers,” Amadeus ate his grilled cheese sandwich, “it was probably the photo of her appearing live on stage with Ariana Grande at the One Love Manchester concert that sealed her election victory.”

    “What?” Renfield turned red with rage and apoplexy, “how come Ariana Grande posed for a photo with the Welsh Vampiress Morgana but Ariana Grande wouldn’t pose for a photo with me?”.

    “Probably because you’re a jackass and the Welsh Vampiress Morgana isn’t,” Amadeus answered.

    “Thank you for your blunt honesty, Amadeus,” Renfield remarked sarcastically.

    “You’re welcome,” said Amadeus not bothering to take note of the sarcasm.

    -A vampire novel chapter
    written by Christopher
    Saturday June 10th
    2017.

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    Renfield Elected MP By A Landslide

    June 9, 2017 at 4:41 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , )

    Renfield R. Renfield representing the British Transhumanist Techno-Progressive Anti-Bio Conservative Party has won his constituency of Tewkesbury In The Cotswolds by a landslide defeating his closest opponent sitting incumbent British Conservative MP Agamemnon Thor Christie (often called Agathor Christie for short) by over 17,000 votes.

    Most commentators and political analysts agree that it was Renfield’s Tuesday June 6th 2017 attack on an ISIS training camp in Libya earlier this week in which Renfield had illegally sent members of the British Brigade of Gurkhas in and tied explosives to the ISIS members’ tiny testicles that were then blown up after Renfield had appeared to them in holographic form and recited one of the numerous witty poems he’s famed for writing (See https://draculvanhelsing.wordpress.com/2017/06/06/renfields-attack-on-isis-camp-in-libya/ )

    It was this raid that caught the imagination of the British public (and the condemnation by the country’s politically correct elites) in the wake of the Manchester and London terrorist attacks which led to Renfield’s landslide victory in his Tewkesbury In The Cotswolds Constituency says Manchester University political science professor Churchill Thatcher.

    Nonsense, say the membership of the Tewkesbury Sex Addicts and Nymphomaniacs Association, it was Renfield’s call for “greater sexual intercourse among Britons” that led to his overwhelming victory.

    On the evening of Wednesday June 7th earlier this week, British Prime Minister Theresa May was wanting Renfield R. Renfield charged with high treason for his unauthorized use of the British Brigade of Gurkhas in his own personal not officially sanctioned raid on an ISIS training camp (Mrs. May now presides over a hung parliament and a minority government).

    The high treason charge was immediately vetoed by Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II after Renfield had jumped in and saved one of her beloved Pembroke Welsh corgis from drowning in a swimming pool…”

    “It’s a good thing,” Renfield grinned while reading the Manchester Guardian article on his landslide election victory, “that no one and especially the Queen noticed that I was the one who pushed the corgi in the swimming pool in the first place so I could earn the Queen’s unending gratitude by diving in and rescuing it.”

    Renfield went back to reading the article…

    Renfield will be having a fellow Transhumanist joining him in Parliament.

    Welsh songstress Morgana Fay Lee (who some people claim is an ancient vampiress and the alleged niece of the sorceress Morgan Le Fay of Arthurian fame) defeated sitting incumbent Labour MP Magog Rhys Petley (who some people claim is a werewolf) by over 300 votes in the constituency of Newbridge in Wales.

    Renfield R. Renfield and the Welsh Vampiress Morgana will be taking their seats as Transhumanist MPs in the Westminster Parliament sometime in the next few weeks…

    “Wow,” the South African cultural attache Lepardia Marango thought to herself as she read the Manchester Guardian article, “I dated both Labour MP Magog Rhys Petley and Conservative MP Agathor Christie in the past and now both have been defeated by British Transhumanist candidates.”

    -A vampire novel chapter
    written by Christopher
    Friday June 9th
    2017.

    Lepardia Marango
    Lepardia Marango: Did her dating of two British MPs cause the election of two Transhumanists to the UK Parliament?

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    Yet Another UK Campaign Debate With Renfield

    June 2, 2017 at 4:20 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

    The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec was visiting Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing over in England.

    They decided to drive up to the town of Tewkesbury to see British Transhumanist Techno-Progressive Anti Bio-Conservative candidate Renfield R. Renfield in action.

    Renfield’s campaign debate comments and antics had become the talk of the British nation in what was otherwise a very dull election campaign.

    At his most recent campaign debate, he had held up a very realistic looking replica severed head of American comedian Kathy Griffin.

    Qonzilqointec and Dracul had arrived at the town hall in Tewkesbury just in time for the debate to begin.

    The subject of the debate was the United Kingdom’s Place In The Modern World.

    Renfield wore a t-shirt with a photoshopped picture of himself peering out from the knockers of Demi Lovato wearing a low-cut dress.

    When the subject came to the issue of Anglo-Latin American relations, Renfield suddenly dashed behind a changing screen.

    He then returned wearing a tight-fitting flashy matador’s costume and hat.

    He grabbed the microphone and began singing his own personal paraphrase of an old Tom Jones song:

    That young new Mexican puppeteer
    all the people they all lived in fear
    of that young new Mexican puppeteer
    He took some fire and he took some wood
    he made a puppet and he looked good
    and played strings like only a puppeteer could…

    “He must be singing about my spiritual godfather Quetzalcoatl when he showed up in Mexico centuries ago,” Qonzilqointec whispered to Dracul Van Helsing.

    “Only Renfield can come up with a song that’s better than the original,” Dracul answered.

    “Madame Chairwoman,” sitting incumbent British Conservative MP Agathor Christie got up from his chair and angrily addressed debate moderator Sherrielock Holmes, “I really must strenuously object to Candidate Renfield’s comments and antics during these Tewkesbury In The Cotswolds constituency campaign debates. He’s making me look positively boring by comparison.”

    “Agathor,” Sherrielock Holmes admonished, “Even if you were in a room all by yourself, you’d still look positively boring by comparison.”

    -A vampire novel chapter
    written by Christopher
    Friday June 2nd
    2017.

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    Another UK Campaign Debate With Renfield

    May 28, 2017 at 3:49 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

    Sherrielock Holmes checked her iPhone where she had just received a text message from Melania Trump asking for advice on how to properly discipline her husband so he’d cease being a bully.

    The London-based professional dominatrix responded with some excellent advice.

    Then she returned to her current duties as Chairwoman of yet another all candidates’ debate in the Tewkesbury In The Cotswolds constituency.

    The subject of tonight’s debate was Social Solidarity In The United Kingdom.

    British Transhumanist Techno-Progressive Anti Bio-Conservative candidate Renfield R. Renfield’s remark that he enjoyed eating fried mermaid with his tuna fish sandwiches hadn’t gone over so well.

    One little girl immediately left the debate in tears crying to her mother, “Ariel. Poor Ariel.”

    A beautiful woman wearing a very short tight skirted cream coloured mini dress got up to ask a question.

    “We have so many different people fighting to be heard in this country,” said the young woman, “I ask each candidate what can we do to bring about greater social intercourse within the United Kingdom?”.

    Renfield immediately jumped in to answer the question with his tongue hanging out and panting in the direction of the beautiful young woman, “Did you just ask what we can do to bring about greater sexual intercourse in the United Kingdom?”.

    “Social intercourse, you idiot,” Sherrielock Holmes admonished, “social intercourse.”

    “Well we now know where my Transhumanist opponent’s mind is,” sitting incumbent British Conservative MP Agathor Christie quipped.

    -A vampire novel chapter
    written by Christopher
    Sunday May 28th
    2017.
    Woman Questioner At UK Campaign Debate
    Questioner At Campaign Debate: Not quite the answer she was expecting from candidate Renfield

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