Renfield Sings A Song and Is Offered A Bribe

June 17, 2017 at 3:40 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , )

At a Saturday picnic for newly elected British MPs, Renfield R. Renfield stood up and sang that old Talking Heads song Our House giving his own variation to it,

Our house in the middle of our street
Cars kept driving through it all the time
Dad should never have built
our house in the middle of our street…

Leaving behind a stunned looking group of fellow MPs, Renfield R. Renfield walked up to his parliamentary aide, “You have a message for me?”.

“Yes,” his aide answered, “from the Paris-based Egyptian vampiress Isis.”

“Oh,” said Renfield, “my boss’ enemy. Or I should say my former boss’ enemy.”

As Renfield realized that being an MP, he no longer worked for the London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set.

Renfield read the message on his aide’s smart phone,

“My dearest Renfield,

So pleased to hear you’ve been elected an MP. The British public finally realizes your genius. I’d like to take you for a motorcycle ride and we can discuss our mutual interests. For your pleasure, I’ll wear the same outfit I wore 60 years ago on my cross-country motorcycle tour of France. Please find attached a photo from that cross-country motorcycle tour of the summer of 1957.”

-Love,
Isis (the vampiress and not the loser scumbags of Islamic State)

“I can’t believe the nerve of that vampiress,” Renfield shouted angrily, “Thinking she can bribe me with a cross-country motorcycle tour of France. Who does she think I am?”.

“Here’s the photo of her and the outfit she wore 60 years ago on her last motorcycle tour,” his aide held up the picture, “the outfit she says she’ll wear again for you.”

Vampiress Isis Rides A Motorcycle

Renfield looked at the photo.

Renfield instructed his aide, “Phone Isis and tell her I’ll be flying over to France right away.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday June 17th
2017.

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Qonzilqointec, Dracul and The Dolphins

June 16, 2017 at 4:45 pm (Romance, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

Aztec Vampire Princess Qonzilqointec In Brighton

The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec was anxiously waiting for Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing in her Brighton seaside resort hotel.room.

When he entered, she turned swiftly around in her slit skirted peach evening dress and threw out her arms towards him, “Dracul.”

Dracul ran towards her.

They embraced.

Soon Dracul and the Aztec vampire princess were down on the elegant French style sofa making wild passionate love.

On the television in the next room, BBC News TV cameras were focused on the swearing-in of new Tewkesbury In The Cotswolds MP Renfield R. Renfield.

“Mr. Renfield, is it true that you’re the greatest lover in Britain?” A reporter asked Renfield.

“Yes, it is,” Renfield answered.

Meanwhile in Brighton, Qonzilqointec was having the mother of all orgasms.

Renfield turned to his parliamentary aide behind him, “I hate to lie on my first day in office. See what we can do about deporting Dracul Van Helsing out of the country.”

Later down on the Brighton beach, Qonzilqointec and Dracul were making love in the sand.

“Isn’t this what Olivia Newton John and John Travolta did in Grease?” Qonzilqointec moaned in ecstasy.

“I think it was Brylcreem rather than ordinary grease that Travolta used,” Dracul answered with the heaving and pounding of the waves on the beach that matched the heaving and pounding of vampire hunter and vampiress.

Soon as the waves surrounded them and Qonzilqointec shouted, “My God, I’ve never felt so wet,” a pod of dolphins surrounded them.

“Look,” said Qonzilqointec, “we have an audience.”

“Dolphins in Brighton,” Dracul said, “that doesn’t happen very often.”

“They’ve come to watch our lovemaking,” Qonzilqointec sighed

“Never thought I’d end up a High School Biology teacher for dolphins,” Dracul remarked.

And the show went on for hours.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday June 16th
2017.

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Renfield’s Past Forays Into The Theatrical Arts

June 15, 2017 at 3:12 pm (Entertainment, Geopolitics and International Relations, Musicals, Stage, theatre, Theatre Arts, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Britain’s The Sun newspaper decided to do a story on newly elected British MPs.

The first MP selected was Renfield R. Renfield the newly elected MP for the constituency of Tewkesbury In The Cotswolds.

He was one of two MPs elected for the British Transhumanist Techno-Progressive Anti Bio-Conservative Party.

Allthough Mr. Renfield founded the British Transhumanist Party in 2013, he was ousted as Party Leader in 2015 after the British Transhumanist Party’s disastrous showing in the May 2015 UK General Election.

He was replaced by Welsh songstress Morgana Fay Lee (who some people call the Welsh Vampiress Morgana) as Party Leader.

Morgana Fay Lee was likewise elected an MP in her constituency of Newbridge in Wales.

After their two parliamentary electoral victories in this past June 8th UK General Election, Morgana announced she was stepping aside as Party leader saying she was unable to carry out much duties in the daytime (further leading to speculation that she’s a vampiress).
Welsh Vampiress Morgana
Welsh Vampiress Morgana After Twilight

Although Mr. Renfield R. Renfield is a long-time Chief of Security and Intelligence Gathering for the British firm Set Enterprises (owned by the billionaire Egyptian Mr. Sol Invictus Set), he is best known for his forays into the field of theatrical arts.

A Clockwork Orange
Scene from Renfield R. Renfield’s West End London’s stage production of Stanley Kubrick’s A Clockwork Orange.

Puccini's Madame Butterfly
Scene from Renfield R. Renfield’s production of Puccini’s Madame Butterfly.

My Fair Lady
Scene from Renfield R. Renfield’s production of the musical My Fair Lady.

Hot Girls In Love
A scene from the music video Renfield R. Renfield shot for the song Hot Girls In Love.

Alice In Wonderland
And upon not seeing either the March Hare or the Mad Hatter anywhere in sight, Alice poured tea for herself.
-From the Renfield R. Renfield production of Alice In Wonderland.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday June 15th
2017.

The Welsh Vampiress Morgana
The Welsh Vampiress Morgana: Never appeared in a Renfield R. Renfield production thus saving her musical and artistic career and allowing her to be elected to Parliament.

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Election Analysis of Welsh Vampiress Morgana’s Election Victory

June 10, 2017 at 3:44 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

Renfield R. Renfield was spending his Saturday in the kitchen of the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set’s colossal London mansion celebrating his past Thursday’s election victory having been elected Member of Parliament for the Tewkesbury In The Cotswolds Constituency (a constituency he had only chose to run in because its then MP Agathor Christie of the Conservatives had dared to appear in an Internet photo with Renfield’s personal dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes the night before British Prime Minister Theresa May called the surprise UK election).

“Yes, quite often those embarrassing Internet photos can end a politician’s political career,” Amadeus Emanon remarked while thinking sympathetically about Agathor Christie’s humiliating electoral loss of over 17,000 votes to Renfield.

“Running in the constituency of Tewkesbury In The Cotswolds was the best political decision I ever made,” Renfield grinned seeing as how he only got 1 vote running as a Transhumanist candidate in the constituency of London-Collingwood Hills (where Set’s colossal London mansion was located) in the 2015 UK General Election and had received 0 votes running as an Independent, a Democrat and a Republican in last year’s U.S. Presidential election.

“Don’t be so smug,” Amadeus commented as he ate his pigeon pie, “if ISIS hadn’t launched terrorist attacks on Manchester and London, you’d never have been elected. Something Allah will no doubt tell the attackers as He sends them straight to Hell, do not pass Go, do not receive a Get Out of Hell Free Card and Do Not Collect 72 Dark-Eyed Virgins.”

“Wow, that’s a pretty brilliant and profound statement coming from you, Amadeus,” Renfield was impressed.

“Thanks,” Amadeus drank his Coca-Cola.

“I wonder how the Welsh Vampiress Morgana managed to win her seat in the Welsh constituency of Newbridge defeating longtime incumbent Labour MP Magog Rhys Petley by over 300 votes,” Renfield mused aloud.

“According to political analysts in most newspapers,” Amadeus ate his grilled cheese sandwich, “it was probably the photo of her appearing live on stage with Ariana Grande at the One Love Manchester concert that sealed her election victory.”

“What?” Renfield turned red with rage and apoplexy, “how come Ariana Grande posed for a photo with the Welsh Vampiress Morgana but Ariana Grande wouldn’t pose for a photo with me?”.

“Probably because you’re a jackass and the Welsh Vampiress Morgana isn’t,” Amadeus answered.

“Thank you for your blunt honesty, Amadeus,” Renfield remarked sarcastically.

“You’re welcome,” said Amadeus not bothering to take note of the sarcasm.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday June 10th
2017.

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Renfield Elected MP By A Landslide

June 9, 2017 at 4:41 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , )

Renfield R. Renfield representing the British Transhumanist Techno-Progressive Anti-Bio Conservative Party has won his constituency of Tewkesbury In The Cotswolds by a landslide defeating his closest opponent sitting incumbent British Conservative MP Agamemnon Thor Christie (often called Agathor Christie for short) by over 17,000 votes.

Most commentators and political analysts agree that it was Renfield’s Tuesday June 6th 2017 attack on an ISIS training camp in Libya earlier this week in which Renfield had illegally sent members of the British Brigade of Gurkhas in and tied explosives to the ISIS members’ tiny testicles that were then blown up after Renfield had appeared to them in holographic form and recited one of the numerous witty poems he’s famed for writing (See https://draculvanhelsing.wordpress.com/2017/06/06/renfields-attack-on-isis-camp-in-libya/ )

It was this raid that caught the imagination of the British public (and the condemnation by the country’s politically correct elites) in the wake of the Manchester and London terrorist attacks which led to Renfield’s landslide victory in his Tewkesbury In The Cotswolds Constituency says Manchester University political science professor Churchill Thatcher.

Nonsense, say the membership of the Tewkesbury Sex Addicts and Nymphomaniacs Association, it was Renfield’s call for “greater sexual intercourse among Britons” that led to his overwhelming victory.

On the evening of Wednesday June 7th earlier this week, British Prime Minister Theresa May was wanting Renfield R. Renfield charged with high treason for his unauthorized use of the British Brigade of Gurkhas in his own personal not officially sanctioned raid on an ISIS training camp (Mrs. May now presides over a hung parliament and a minority government).

The high treason charge was immediately vetoed by Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II after Renfield had jumped in and saved one of her beloved Pembroke Welsh corgis from drowning in a swimming pool…”

“It’s a good thing,” Renfield grinned while reading the Manchester Guardian article on his landslide election victory, “that no one and especially the Queen noticed that I was the one who pushed the corgi in the swimming pool in the first place so I could earn the Queen’s unending gratitude by diving in and rescuing it.”

Renfield went back to reading the article…

Renfield will be having a fellow Transhumanist joining him in Parliament.

Welsh songstress Morgana Fay Lee (who some people claim is an ancient vampiress and the alleged niece of the sorceress Morgan Le Fay of Arthurian fame) defeated sitting incumbent Labour MP Magog Rhys Petley (who some people claim is a werewolf) by over 300 votes in the constituency of Newbridge in Wales.

Renfield R. Renfield and the Welsh Vampiress Morgana will be taking their seats as Transhumanist MPs in the Westminster Parliament sometime in the next few weeks…

“Wow,” the South African cultural attache Lepardia Marango thought to herself as she read the Manchester Guardian article, “I dated both Labour MP Magog Rhys Petley and Conservative MP Agathor Christie in the past and now both have been defeated by British Transhumanist candidates.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday June 9th
2017.

Lepardia Marango
Lepardia Marango: Did her dating of two British MPs cause the election of two Transhumanists to the UK Parliament?

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Yet Another UK Campaign Debate With Renfield

June 2, 2017 at 4:20 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec was visiting Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing over in England.

They decided to drive up to the town of Tewkesbury to see British Transhumanist Techno-Progressive Anti Bio-Conservative candidate Renfield R. Renfield in action.

Renfield’s campaign debate comments and antics had become the talk of the British nation in what was otherwise a very dull election campaign.

At his most recent campaign debate, he had held up a very realistic looking replica severed head of American comedian Kathy Griffin.

Qonzilqointec and Dracul had arrived at the town hall in Tewkesbury just in time for the debate to begin.

The subject of the debate was the United Kingdom’s Place In The Modern World.

Renfield wore a t-shirt with a photoshopped picture of himself peering out from the knockers of Demi Lovato wearing a low-cut dress.

When the subject came to the issue of Anglo-Latin American relations, Renfield suddenly dashed behind a changing screen.

He then returned wearing a tight-fitting flashy matador’s costume and hat.

He grabbed the microphone and began singing his own personal paraphrase of an old Tom Jones song:

That young new Mexican puppeteer
all the people they all lived in fear
of that young new Mexican puppeteer
He took some fire and he took some wood
he made a puppet and he looked good
and played strings like only a puppeteer could…

“He must be singing about my spiritual godfather Quetzalcoatl when he showed up in Mexico centuries ago,” Qonzilqointec whispered to Dracul Van Helsing.

“Only Renfield can come up with a song that’s better than the original,” Dracul answered.

“Madame Chairwoman,” sitting incumbent British Conservative MP Agathor Christie got up from his chair and angrily addressed debate moderator Sherrielock Holmes, “I really must strenuously object to Candidate Renfield’s comments and antics during these Tewkesbury In The Cotswolds constituency campaign debates. He’s making me look positively boring by comparison.”

“Agathor,” Sherrielock Holmes admonished, “Even if you were in a room all by yourself, you’d still look positively boring by comparison.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday June 2nd
2017.

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Another UK Campaign Debate With Renfield

May 28, 2017 at 3:49 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

Sherrielock Holmes checked her iPhone where she had just received a text message from Melania Trump asking for advice on how to properly discipline her husband so he’d cease being a bully.

The London-based professional dominatrix responded with some excellent advice.

Then she returned to her current duties as Chairwoman of yet another all candidates’ debate in the Tewkesbury In The Cotswolds constituency.

The subject of tonight’s debate was Social Solidarity In The United Kingdom.

British Transhumanist Techno-Progressive Anti Bio-Conservative candidate Renfield R. Renfield’s remark that he enjoyed eating fried mermaid with his tuna fish sandwiches hadn’t gone over so well.

One little girl immediately left the debate in tears crying to her mother, “Ariel. Poor Ariel.”

A beautiful woman wearing a very short tight skirted cream coloured mini dress got up to ask a question.

“We have so many different people fighting to be heard in this country,” said the young woman, “I ask each candidate what can we do to bring about greater social intercourse within the United Kingdom?”.

Renfield immediately jumped in to answer the question with his tongue hanging out and panting in the direction of the beautiful young woman, “Did you just ask what we can do to bring about greater sexual intercourse in the United Kingdom?”.

“Social intercourse, you idiot,” Sherrielock Holmes admonished, “social intercourse.”

“Well we now know where my Transhumanist opponent’s mind is,” sitting incumbent British Conservative MP Agathor Christie quipped.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday May 28th
2017.
Woman Questioner At UK Campaign Debate
Questioner At Campaign Debate: Not quite the answer she was expecting from candidate Renfield

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A UK Election Campaign Debate Like No Other

May 25, 2017 at 3:57 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Renfield R. Renfield was attending his first election campaign debate in the constituency where he was running- Tewkesbury In The Cotswolds. London dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes was serving as the debate chairwoman since both Renfield and sitting incumbent British Conservative MP Agathor Christie were clients of her dominatrix services.

The sponsors of the debate thought that Sherrielock could keep at least two of the six candidates running in line.

Renfield R. Renfield was of course running as the candidate for the British Transhumanist Techno-Progressive Anti Bio-Conservative Party in the constituency.

The debate would begin with each candidate giving a 5-minute speech talking about their past accomplishments in life.

Conservative MP Agathor Christie had to be cut short after 5 minutes by Sherrielock Holmes and he had only got up to talking about his first year in kindergarten.

When Renfield got up to speak, he said, “Here’s one of the many music videos I’ve made in my life which should give you an idea of my accomplishments.”

On the background screen behind the candidates, a video is then shown.

The video begins with a short clip of popular 1960s singer Nancy Sinatra singing one of her biggest hits.

Nancy Sinatra (singing very slowly and very sensuously the opening lines of one of her biggest hits):

Strawberries, cherries and an angel’s kiss in spring
My summer wine is really made from all these things
ooh- summer wine…

The short clip is then followed by a film shot of Renfield R. Renfield dressed as a beautiful looking diva female drag queen wearing an exquisite tight fitting silver sequined evening dress and singing while holding a microphone.

Renfield (singing very sensuously): Strawberries, cherries and an angel’s kiss in spring…

(He breaks into a wide broad smile)

Renfield (continues to sing very sensuously): My summer behind is really made from all these things…

(He turns around and bends over showing a magnificently big tight evening dress accentuated skirted ass that would make Kim Kardashian’s grandiosely big skirted ass Instagram whammy that broke the Internet look positively microscopic by comparison)

Renfield (still singing sensuously): ooh- summer behind…

(At that point, the debate chairwoman Sherrielock Holmes sank off her chair onto the floor overcome by a huge fit of gales of laugher)

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday May 25th
2017.

Kim Kardashian's Magnificent Skirted Ass
Kim Kardashian’s Magnificent Skirted Ass: Only Renfield R. Renfield’s breaks the Internet better

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Renfield’s Karaoke Night Out

May 11, 2017 at 4:47 pm (Comedy, Entertainment, Humour, Music, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , )

Renfield R. Renfield decided to perform at a karaoke night at the Berkeley Arms Pub in Tewkesbury where he was running as a candidate for the British Transhumanist Techno-Progressive Anti Bio-Conservative Party in the constituency of Tewkesbury In The Cotswolds.

“They used to have great karaoke nights at the Duke of York Pub here in Tewkesbury but unfortunately that pub closed last year so this particular pub’s management has decided to revive the karaoke tradition on one night here,” Renfield explained to his friend Amadeus Emanon.

The first part of the karaoke night was devoted to people singing just straight karaoke songs.

One poor snook started the evening by misquoting the opening lyrics of an old Beatles song, “What would you do if I sang out of tune?… (while doing just that).

A group of MI-6 Special Branch agents sitting at the table just in front of the karaoke microphone pulled out their guns and shot him.

“Well, that answers the question he was singing,” Renfield remarked to Amadeus.

The second part of the evening was given to people listening to an old song and then on the spot making up their own versions of that old song.

It was this part of the evening in which Renfield decided to compete.

It was Renfield’s turn and he strolled up to the mike.

The MC/DJ then played a song.

It was an old Perry Como song that went:

The bluest skies you’ve ever seen are in Seattle, in Seattle
And the hills the greenest green in Seattle, in Seattle
like a beautiful child growing up free and wild in Seattle, in Seattle

Renfield was then called upon to make up and sing his own version.

Which of course he promptly did.

It went like this:

The gayest guys you’ve ever seen are in San Francisco, San Francisco
And the baths the steamiest scene in San Francisco, San Francisco
like a real fruity guy growing up bending over in San Francisco, San Francisco…

Renfield found himself being chased off the stage by leather jacket and tattoo wearing members of a visiting gay motorcycle club from Kansas City who took issue with Renfield’s sung statement that the gayest guys one would ever see are in San Francisco.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday May 11th
2017.

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An Early May Evening In The Life of Agathor Christie

May 9, 2017 at 4:50 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Tewkesbury In The Cotswolds’ sitting incumbent British Conservative MP Agathor Christie was in his large comfortable Tewkesbury home.

He was waiting by the door.

Waiting for his French maid Simone to come home.

When Simone walked through the door, she was surprised to see her employer standing there.

“What are you doing standing there with such a firm look on your face, Monsieur?” Simone looked at him, “I feel like I’ve done something something naughty.”

“You have done something naughty, Simone,” Agathor Christie looked as grave as a freshly dug cemetery plot, “Very, very naughty indeed.”

“Are you going to give me a spanking, Monsieur?” Simone placed her hands protectively on her short tight skirted buttocks.

“Not tonight, Simone,” Mr. Christie continued to look as stern as the back part of a ship.

Simone managed to breathe a sigh of relief and yet intense disappointment at the same time.

“What was it that I did, Monsieur?” She asked while batting her eyelashes at him.

“I got a visit from the Acting Deputy Chief Constable of Gloucestershire County this morning,” Agathor Christie poured himself a glass of brandy, “apparently you assaulted one of my opponent rival candidates in the Nottingham Arms Pub yesterday. While I admire your attempt at being naughty in the Nottingham Arms and further hitting one of my opponents, unfortunately it spells bad publicity for me.”

“I’m sorry, Monsieur,” Simone curtsied, “I did not know he was your opponent. I just assaulted him because he had insulted the French people.”

“I’d never heard of the bloke either until I got this visit from the Acting Deputy Chief Constable,” Agathor finished his brandy and then poured himself another, “I’d never even heard of his bloody party either. Something with a multi-syllable sounding name. It sounded like something straight out of Monty Python.”

Agathor Christie was, of course, referring to Renfield R. Renfield of the British Transhumanist Techno-Progressive Anti-Bio Conservative Party.

“May I have a brandy too, Monsieur?” Simone looked at him with an Oliver Twist approaching Mr. Bumble-like expression.

“Well, we’ll discuss your drinking on the job on another occasion, Mademoiselle Simone,” Agathor Christie said firmly.

Once again putting her hands protectively on her short tight skirted buttocks and yet smiling broadly at the same time, Simone said, “Very good, Monsieur.”

“Now, you run off to bed while I make myself a cold roast beef sandwich in the kitchen,” Agathor Christie directed.

As Christie made himself a cold roast beef sandwich, he heard a lot of banging around and noise coming from the living room.

After he had eaten his sandwich and turned off the kitchen light, he walked into the living room.

Where he noticed Simone had made quite the mess going up the stairs.

Simone The French Maid Going Up The Stairs

That woman would really need a good talking to.

Perhaps more.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday May 9th
2017.

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