Renfield Loses Party Leadership

May 17, 2015 at 7:30 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

Renfield Loses Party Leadership

So despite a brilliant webcast speech on the Net this past Tuesday where Renfield dressed in a Darth Vader costume and wearing a pair of Mr. Spock Vulcan-like ears on his Darth Vader helmet delivered a speech that political commentators were now calling the Chinese Checkers speech (to contrast it with Richard M. Nixon’s famous Checkers speech of September 23rd 1952), the speech was not enough to save Renfield’s leadership of the British Transhumanist Techno-Progressive Anti-Bio Conservative Party in the electronic phone- in vote whose results were announced today.

Renfield’s Tuesday speech dressed as Darth Vader sporting a pair of Mr. Spock ears that managed to escape the wrath of an Edward Scissorhands wannabe (who imagined himself to be the reincarnation of a Vincent Van Gogh with a nasty projection complex) was not enough to compete with the Wednesday rebuttal given by Renfield’s leadership opponent the Welsh Vampiress Morgana.

The Welsh Vampiress’ Wednesday webcast rebuttal delivered to the Party’s overwhelmingly male science- fiction loving nerd membership consisted of Morgana wearing a low-cut white top, short tight purple suede leather mini-skirt, black silk pantyhose and red super spiked stiletto high-heeled shoes and doing somersaults and acrobatics on the rug of her living room floor while saying nothing.

The Vampiress’ body language speech so impressed the party’s membership that after carefully wiping their computer and smart phone screens with Kleenex tissues and towels, they automatically keyed in their vote for Morgana electronically.

The final vote was Morgana’s 666 to Renfield’s 0.

Renfield accidentally voted for Morgana instead of himself when a part of his body (not his hands or feet) brushed against his smart phone screen casting the vote for Morgana.

Renfield had thought about re- enacting a personal body dismemberment said to have been performed by the third century theologian Origen of Alexandria but decided against it.

He would live to fight another day.

In the meantime, Renfield had been invited to a midnight cocktail party for defeated politicians at the residence of Vincent Cardinal Nichols the Roman Catholic Archbishop of Westminster.

Renfield couldn’t remember from the invitation whether it was a masquerade costume party or not.

So to be on the safe side he decided to wear a costume anyways and go dressed as the pirate Baldassarre Cossa.

In his pirate vest pocket just above his sword, he found some very old Greek drachma coins.

Renfield thought he might he have a small fortune if Greece soon chose to leave the Euro zone.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday May 16th
2015.

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Renfield’s Post-Election Defeat Stress Disorder

May 13, 2015 at 7:14 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, Humour, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Renfield’s Post-Election Defeat Stress Disorder

Renfield R. Renfield the leader of the British Transhumanist Techno-Progressive Anti Bio-Conservative Party was lying on the sofa in the living room.

His eyes were glazed as if he were in a total state of shock (or had been listening to Paris Hilton giving an oral presentation analyzing the Liebestod in Tristan und Isolde).

Renfield was suffering from PEDSD or Post-Election Defeat Stress Disorder.

All 11 of his independent candidates running on his British Transhumanist Techno-Progressive Anti Bio-Conservative Party platform (including himself) had gone down to defeat in last Thursday’s United Kingdom General Election.

Ten of them had wound up in last place in their respective constituencies including himself Renfield R. Renfield.

And he had done the worst of all the candidates running on behalf of his party- he had received only one vote in his constituency of London Collingwood Hills where his boss the billionaire ancient Egyptian Vampire Set’s colossal London mansion was located.

This further sent Renfield into a state of agony as if he were receiving a major enema up the bowels of his netherworld.

“Since I know I voted for myself,” Renfield wept to Athelstan the mansion’s butler and Amadeus Emanon the mansion’s resident concert pianist, “since I always vote for the best candidate, what this means is that neither of you nor the Boss voted for me.”

Both Athelstan and Amadeus looked at Renfield but said nothing.

The independent candidate for his British Transhumanist Techno-Progressive Anti Bio-Conservative Party who had done the best was the Welsh Vampiress Morgana (a niece of the sorceress Morgan Le Fay of Arthurian fame) who had come in second behind Welsh werewolf British Labour MP Magog Rhys Petley in the Welsh constituency of Newbridge.

Now there was a call among the country’s science-fiction loving nerds who made up the bulk of the party’s membership that Renfield be dumped as party leader and replaced with Morgana.

So Renfield had rented a Darth Vader costume along with a pair of Mr. Spock ears (that he’d place on either side of his Darth Vader helmet) to give a live webcast speech to the party’s membership tonight defending his leadership.

Renfield picked up from the coffee table a copy of the speech he had written to deliver to the party later that evening.

The speech began, “My fellow Transhumanists, I may never have owned a dog called Checkers but I once played the game of Chinese checkers…”

He put down the speech, sat back on the sofa and looked depressed again.

Amadeus put on the radio to listen to the program The Galloping Guru- a self-help and motivational program hosted by a New Age speaker who gave beatitudes of inspiration and enlightenment while riding on a horse through the Tennessee countryside.

As the emergency sound of a train whistle blowing and the anguished neighing of a horse could be heard, this was then followed by a moment of silence.

Then the somewhat agonized voice of the not-so-Galloping Guru spoke while ambulance sirens were heard in the background, “I’m reminded of something Robert Downey Jr. once said… Just because you hit bottom doesn’t mean you have to stay there.”

“Just because you hit bottom doesn’t mean there aren’t other movie roles out there besides the male lead in Fifty Shades of Grey either,” Renfield remarked in punishing fashion.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday May 12th
2015.

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Renfield’s Quiet Evening At Home

April 27, 2015 at 7:28 pm (Commentary, Culture, Humour, News, Satire, Vampire novel) (, , , , )

Renfield’s Quiet Evening At Home

Renfield R. Renfield was spending a quiet evening at home after a day of getting doors slammed in his face while out campaigning as a candidate for his British Transhumanist Techno-Progressive Anti Bio-Conservative Party in the constituency of London Collingwood Hills.

Amadeus Emanon was sitting in a chair across from Renfield.

He was reading a book of puns written by Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing.

Amadeus read,

What did the magical wizard say after his first attempt to turn himself into a fish?

Answer: Oh no! I just made a total bass of myself.

As Amadeus chuckled, Renfield put on the radio.

Radio News Announcer: And in other news… a 76-year-old woman has been banned from a KFC in the U.S. for breast feeding her 42-year-old son in public there…

A protestor outside the site said earlier today, “I can’t believe people still eat here…”

“The world has gone insane,” said Renfield.

“Well if it has, you should do well in the upcoming election,” Amadeus remarked.

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday April 27th
2015.

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Blood On The Ottoman Carpet

April 13, 2015 at 5:58 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, History, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Blood On The Ottoman Carpet

Amadeus Emanon and Renfield R. Renfield were listening to the World News Report on the radio.

“And this news just in,” said the announcer, “emergency crews were called to the new Presidential Palace in Ankara Turkey after Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan got his zipper stuck while taking a leak in one of the 500 gold-plated bathrooms in the Palace.
The incident, reminiscent of that famous scene with Ben Stiller in the 1998 film There’s Something About Mary that also starred Cameron Diaz, occurred when President Erdogan heard on the radio that Pope Francis had described the Ottoman Empire’s mass killing of 1.5 million Armenians 100 years ago as a “genocide”.
Francis made the declaration in a ceremony at the Vatican yesterday.
The announcement apparently did not go well with the Turkish President’s attempt to relieve himself…”

. . .

At an all-candidates’ forum in the Welsh constituency of Newbridge, the topic was Foreign Affairs,

Someone brought up the matter of the recent Zippergate Affair involving Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan.

“Well,” said the Welsh Vampiress Morgana representing the British Transhumanist Techno-Progressive Anti Bio-Conservative Party, “if I had been there, I’d have kicked Mr. Erdogan in the balls.”

“That would be great if Recep Tayyip Erdogan had any balls,” interjected Welsh werewolf British Labour MP Magog Rhys Petley, “if Mr. Erdogan wasn’t such an inherent sniveling coward (to say nothing of being a petty despotic tyrant and an impotent bedwetter with a small penis), he’d acknowledge his country’s despicable role in perpetrating this crime against the Armenian people and this crime against humanity.”

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday April 13th
2015.

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Lepardia Marango Observes British General Election

April 9, 2015 at 7:10 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , )

Lepardia Marango Observes British General Election

Lepardia Marango the cultural attaché at the South African Embassy in London was sitting in a London tea shop enjoying a cup of Earl Grey tea.

She adjusted her skirt and brushed crumpet crumbs off her blouse as she typed on the keyboard of her laptop.

She had received an email from an ex-University classmate of hers in South Africa who said he had just come down with a hernia after he unilaterally tried to push a statue of British colonialist Cecil Rhodes off its pedestal on the University of Cape Town campus.

A crane was brought in to remove the statue to prevent the emergence of future hernias according to a South African news report.

Lepardia glanced at the TV screen in the tea shop.

A BBC News report was showing a nasty fight that had broken out at a candidates’ debate in the constituency of Newbridge in Wales.

The fight was between a micro-mini skirted pop singer Morgana who was running as an Independent candidate on the British Transhumanist Techno-Progressive Anti-Bio Conservative Party platform and Magog Rhys Petley who was the sitting MP and incumbent candidate for the British Labour Party.

The fight was later taken outside but all the cameras showed outside was some fight going on between a large vampire bat and a large wolf.

The TV screen then showed a campaign stop for British Prime Minister David Cameron.

At the appearance, a protestor held up a picket sign in front of Mr. Cameron that said:

Why Settle For A Prime Minister Who’s Only Human When You Can Have One Who’s Transhuman?

Lepardia took a careful look at the protestor holding the placard in front of Cameron.

Wasn’t that Renfield R. Renfield? she asked herself.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday April 9th
2015.

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Something Transhuman This Way Comes

April 8, 2015 at 6:26 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

Something Transhuman This Way Comes

Amadeus Emanon was watching an adaptation of Agatha Christie’s The Third Girl on BBC Television.

Hercule Poirot was standing on an estate balcony watching a man and a woman on the lawn kissing under the moonlight.

Said Poirot to the woman standing next to him on the balcony, “We are looking, Madame, at a mystery. The greatest mystery. The mystery that even I, Hercule Poirot, will never be able to solve. The mystery that is… the nature of Love.”

“Love is a mystery?” Renfield looked up from the book of essays he was reading written by Ray Kurzweil, J. Craig Venter and other leading Transhumanist thinkers.

“Hercule Poirot says it is,” Amadeus ate his Belgian waffles with strawberry syrup.

“It can be awfully expensive, I know,” Renfield sipped his 12-year-old single malt whisky, “especially on Valentine’s Day. Having to buy your date all those flowers and chocolates and then she won’t let you get into her panties anyways… stupid bitch.”

Renfield’s last Valentine’s Day had been an even bigger fiasco than Bugsy Malone’s 1929 Valentine’s Day at the hands of Al Capone.

“You wanted to get into her panties?” Amadeus ate his chocolate covered Easter bunny, “I didn’t know you had all these Bruce Jenner like urges.”

“That’s not what I meant by that metaphor, you idiot,” Renfield spilled malt whisky all over himself in his rage.

Amadeus switched to another channel on the TV.

A film historian was giving a commentary on the 1933 American horror film The Vampire Bat that starred Lionell Atwill and Fay Wray.

Said the film historian, “Any resemblance between statements made by mad scientists in the Hollywood horror films of the 1930s and ’40s and today’s Transhumanist scientists is purely coincidental.”

Renfield harrumphed as he used a copy of the 2013 Transhumanist Manifesto (that he had written) to dry himself off.

Amadeus switched to another channel where a theologian was being interviewed.

Said the theologian, “Any resemblance between the promises made by the serpent to Eve in the Garden of Eden (“Ye shall be as gods” and “Ye shall not die”) and the promises made by Transhumanist thinkers today (“We shall be like gods” and “we shall not die”) is purely coincidental …”

“What a day I’m having,” Renfield cried as a house fly got stuck to his whisky soaked copy of his Transhumanist Manifesto.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday April 8th
2015.

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Don Juan Rising: Man and Transhuman

April 7, 2015 at 6:54 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, Mystery/horror, Satire, Technology, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Don Juan Rising: Man and Transhuman

Renfield R. Renfield the genetically created hamster/human Chief of Security and Intelligence Gathering for the London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set was practicing a political speech in front of the living room’s antique Louis XIV Sun King mirror much to his friend Amadeus Emanon’s amusement.

A couple of years earlier, Renfield had founded the British Transhumanist Techno-Progressive Anti Bio-Conservative Party.

Unfortunately Renfield had not come up with the required number of signatures for his party to be recognized as a registered political party in Britain so he was unable to take part in recent leaders’ election debates or in future leaders’ election debates.

Thus not being a registered party, his candidates had to run as independent candidates in the UK’s various constituencies.

Although there were not that many members of his Party running as candidates anyways.

There were only 10 other candidates running as independents on the British Transhumanist Techno-Progressive Anti-Bio Conservative Party platform throughout the United Kingdom’s 650 constituencies.

Of these, 9 were thirty something in age long-haired and bearded science-fiction fans who were still living in their parents’ basements.

The 10th was the Welsh Vampiress Morgana (a niece of the sorceress Morgan Le Fay) who was running as an independent on the British Transhumanist Techno-Progressive Anti Bio-Conservative Party platform against well-known far far Left backbench British Labour MP Magog Rhys Petley (who unbeknownst to his constituents and the public at large was a werewolf) in the Welsh constituency of Newbridge.

Renfield himself was running as an Independent on the British Transhumanist Techno-Progressive Anti Bio-Conservative Party platform in the constituency of London Collingwood Hills where his boss the Vampire Set’s colossal mansion was located.

The constituency had been a British Conservative Party stronghold for the past 70 years.

At an all-candidates’ forum in the Constituency last week, Renfield extolled the virtues of living in a society where everybody had upgraded to the new Humanity 2.0 and had become Transhuman.

“It’s the next step in our human evolution,” Renfield waved a copy of The Origin of Species, “Charles Darwin, if he weren’t dead, would have been so proud.”

Renfield said that recent developments in the fields of genetics, robotics, artificial intelligence, nanotechnology and synthetic biology would allow everyone to become Transhuman.

“Think of where technology has taken us these past 100 years,” Renfield enthused, “why 100 years ago only people who lived in your own neighbourhood or own town or city might have known that you’re an idiot. But today thanks to advanced technology and social networking sites such as Twitter, YouTube and Facebook, you now have the chance to show the entire world what an idiot you are.”

The remark did not go over too well for some reason.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday April 7th
2015.

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Amadeus’ Dream About A Political Candidates’ Meeting

December 30, 2013 at 4:05 pm (Commentary, Humour, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Amadeus’ Dream About A Political Candidates’ Meeting

Amadeus Emanon was asleep and dreaming that he was at a political candidates’ meeting.

The British Liberal Democratic Party were not running a candidate in the riding.

And the British Labour Party candidate was absent after coming down with acute laryngitis after a karaoke evening of trying to sing Beyonce songs with his baritone voice in a neighbourhood pub.

The only candidates present were the British Conservative Party candidate and Renfield R. Renfield representing the British Transhumanist Techno-Progressive Anti-Bio Conservative Party of which he was the founder and leader.

The meeting chairman called on the Conservative candidate to speak first.

“Well speaking as a Conservative candidate,” the Conservative candidate began, “I just droll on… and on… never letting anybody get a word in edgewise… until I froth at the mouth and fall over backwards…”

The Conservative Party candidate then proceeded to do just that.

As he was carried away on a stretcher into a waiting ambulance, the meeting chairman then called on Renfield to speak.

“Well speaking as a psychopathic hypersexualized serial womanizer,” Renfield began, “which a woman called me in a recent Facebook posting…”

To be continued.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday December 29th
2013.

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