Goo and Gum and Gnashing of Teeth

April 17, 2011 at 9:05 pm (Horror, Humour, Mystery, Mystery/horror, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

Renfield R. Renfield and Amadeus Emanon are watching the BBC News on television.

“More on our main story on the death of financier Trevor Fontaine later,” the BBC News announcer intoned, “but in other news a body that was found in the street below the hotel where Mr. Fontaine was eaten by grey goo self-replicating nanobots has now been identified. The body that was apparently drained of all its blood has been identified as that of London’s notorious Russian Mafia hitman Dmitri Ibumpuov. Further reports suggest that the night after Mr. Ibumpuov was brought into the Scotland Yard morgue, the body mysteriously disappeared. There are rumours that Mr. Ibumpuov is now a vampire.”

“Wow, a vampire assassin,” Amadeus Emanon munched on his popcorn.

“Might come in handy some day,” Renfield sent a text message to the Assassins For Hire On-Line Employment Bulletin Board that said, “Anybody there called Dmitri Ibumpuov?”.

“Getting back to our main story, authorities still have no idea who created the grey goo self-replicating nanobots that ate Mr. Fontaine,” the BBC announcer said, “and whether it was part of a plot to stop the new global currency that Mr. Fontaine was working on. As for the grey goo self-replicating nanobots themselves, they apparently choked to death trying to eat a huge wad of bubble gum that had been left on the hotel hallway carpet.”

“So it looks like the nanobots you made weren’t so indestructible after all,” Amadeus remarked as he blew a huge bubble with his bubble gum.

“Harrumph,” Renfield snorted.

“And still in other news, eccentric London concert pianist Amadeus Emanon somehow inadvertently wandered into a press conference where the Prince of Wales was lamenting the tragic death of financier Trevor Fontaine… here are some clips from that…”

“You were at a press conference with the Prince of Wales?” Renfield’s ears turned fiery red, “you never told me that.”

On the screen,

Amadeus Emanon: Tell me your Highness, if you found out who it was that created the grey goo self-replicating nanobots that ate Mr. Fontaine, would you invite such a person to your son Prince William’s wedding?

Prince Charles: You must be joking. I didn’t quite catch your name Mr. …?

“Emanon,” Amadeus replied.

“Emanon,” the prince nodded, “and what news outlet are you with?”.

“The Shapeshifting Hamster’s Daily Toilet Paper,” Amadeus answered with a wry smile.

“Never heard of that,” said the Prince of Wales, “I’ll have to check it out sometime. But in answer to your question, no. Not only would the individual who created these grey goo self-replicating nanobots not be invited to my son’s wedding but I would personally see to it that this individual was personally hung, drawn and quartered.”

Renfield looked at the TV screen- in a total state of shock- his face completely drained of all colour.

“In other news,” the BBC News Announcer smiled, “Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II has bestowed a posthumous honourary knighthood on Frank Henry Fleer the world’s first inventor of bubble gum…”

To be continued.

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