South African Artist SAREJESS and The Cuckoo Cuckoo Clock

July 27, 2017 at 3:30 pm (Art, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, Romance, Science-Fiction, The Supernatural, Vampire novel, western) (, , , , , , , , , , )

South African Artist SAREJESS and The Cuckoo Cuckoo Clock

The great South African artist SAREJESS was once again dreaming a dream.

He was dreaming he was in a Wild West bordello room above a Wild West saloon.

The date on the room’s calendar was marked August 15th 1885.

Outside the room through the window (for the drapes were not closed) was a neon sign that said The Wild Tomatoes and Mushroom Saloon.

SAREJESS scratched his head and thought to himself, had neon lights even been invented yet back in the 1880s?

A lobster suddenly appeared on the floor of the room and started speaking to SAREJESS, “This sign was made from the earlier Geissler tubes and was arranged in a sign for this saloon by the saloon’s genius proprietress owner Miss Sherrielock Holmes who is the love of my life. Albeit an unrequited love since she is human (although an immortal human) and I but a mere lobster (albeit a lobster with psychic abilities).”

“A lobster with the power of speech?” SAREJESS was amazed.

“But only in my dreams or, in this case, in your dreams,” answered the lobster whose name was Michelangelo, “for in the real world outside dreams, my geneticist creator Dr. Cadbury Rocher did not give me the power to speak. Which is a shame. Otherwise every night, I’d crawl out of my salt water tank and use Dr. Rocher’s mobile phone to phone and text message Sherrielock Holmes and recite Shakespearean and Byronic love poems to her.”

“I’m sure she’d be impressed,” said SAREJESS.

“Indeed, she would,” Michelangelo nodded, “for she is a woman of impeccable good taste.”

The lobster then vanished with the next cry of the cuckoo clock.

Meanwhile in the bed in the room, the man in the bed (whose name was Belvedere) rolled over on top of the lovely blonde woman with nice knockers in the bed (her name was Serena).

“Oh my gosh,” Serena gasped, “here you come again.”

“Wasn’t that the name of a Dolly Parton song?” SAREJESS asked himself.

The cuckoo clock’s cuckoo then came out of the clock again.

This time the cuckoo bird had the face of Orson Welles as he appeared in the 1949 film The Third Man.

“You know,” a much older looking Orson Welles (the same age Welles was when he gave his last interview with Merv Griffin on October 10th 1985) dressed as an ancient Egyptian Pharaoh appeared to SAREJESS, “I always regretted during my long theatrical career that I never played the role of an ancient Egyptian.”

Then SAREJESS woke up.

The Paint Zombie (as his wife now called him due to his recent spate of nocturnal painting sprees) then rushed to his studio where he painted a picture of two cuckoo clocks. One had a cuckoo bird with the face of Orson Welles as the Third Man coming out of it and the other clock had a cuckoo bird with the face of Orson Welles as an Egyptian Pharaoh coming out of it.

As his wife remarked later, “You’ve definitely gone cuckoo, Tim.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday July 27th
2017.

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Belvedere and The Enchantress’ Spell

July 24, 2017 at 7:10 pm (Art, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, Mystery, Romance, Science-Fiction, The Supernatural, Vampire novel, western) (, , , , , )

Belvedere and The Enchantress’ Spell

Belvedere lay asleep 😴 in the arms of Serena.

With a look of post-orgasmic bliss on his face. 😁

In her room above the bar of The Wild Tomatoes and Mushroom Saloon.

In his sleep, Belvedere whispered, “Knockers, must have knockers, cried the paint zombie.”

“Who’s the Paint Zombie?” Asked the awake Unsleeping Beauty Serena beside him.

“SAREJESS,” Belvedere answered.

“Who’s SAREJESS?” Serena asked.

“He hasn’t been born yet,” Belvedere replied as the cuckoo clock on the wall silently started moving ahead.

“I see,” Serena laughed.

“Reminds me of that song from the 1980s who can it be now, knickers at my door 🚪?” Belvedere continued to quietly rant and rave.

“My, we have moved forward in time, haven’t we?” Serena laughed again.

The cuckoo bird 🐦 came out of the cuckoo clock holding a small sign that said GREED IS GOOD.

“Oh, dear,” Belvedere continued his somniac insanity, “Knockers, a pair of knockers for my king 👑 dom.”

“Knickers and knockers?” Serena continued her exquisite laughter, “This SAREJESS must have a lot on his mind these days.”

“He does,” Belvedere nodded, “He’s the one chosen to paint the arrival of…”

“Hush,” Serena put her fingers on Belvedere’s lips, “you mustn’t name the name of He who cannot be named at this point in time.”

She then kissed his lips with her own lips 👄.

Outside her window, an ancient Egyptian Nile River barge seemed to quietly float over the moon. 🌙

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday July 24th
2017.

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South African Artist SAREJESS and The Railway Watch

July 23, 2017 at 6:11 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, International Intrigue, Mystery, Science-Fiction, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

South African Artist SAREJESS and The Railway Watch

The great South African artist SAREJESS was having another dream.

In this dream, he saw a lovely elegantly designed railway watch on a chain that was hanging between a shapely pair of feminine breasts.

He heard a voice saying, “Oh Serena, what a lovely pair of knockers you have.”

SAREJESS found himself repeating those words in his sleep.

SAREJESS immediately found himself being awakened by his wife Winnie who asked, “Who’s Serena?”.

Tim (SAREJESS’s real first name) stammered in reply.

He figured he’d better run down to his studio.

Because in SAREJESS’ opinion, a frying pan 🍳 was meant for frying eggs and not for hitting husbands over the head when they make stupid statements which husbands are prone to do.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday July 23rd
2017.

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Belvedere and The Enchantress

July 22, 2017 at 7:58 pm (International Intrigue, Science-Fiction, Vampire novel, western) (, , , , , , , , , , , , )

Belvedere and The Enchantress

It was a hot August night in 1885.

And Belvedere the bartender at The Wild Tomatoes and Mushroom Saloon was the laughing stock of the entire town of Hayden Colorado.

Earlier in the evening, Belvedere had told a saloon bar patron that he was still a virgin.

“What?” The patron started laughing his head off, “You’re 45 years old and you’re still a virgin?”.

Word of Belvedere’s admission had spread around the town like wildfire.

When a fire ranger rode up from Denver to Hayden and was told there was no actual fire, he fell off his horse 🐴 laughing when told the real reason for the excitement in town.

Unfortunately for Belvedere, his employer Sherrielock Holmes the proprietress of The Wild Tomatoes and Mushroom Saloon was away attending an opera in San Francisco on the West Coast.

Otherwise she’d have tomatoed many of the townspeople’s bottoms for making fun of her bartender.

Belvedere sat on the wooden sidewalk in front of the saloon blubbering away when a beautiful blonde woman walked by.

“What’s wrong, Belvedere?” The beautiful blonde asked.

“Do I know you?” Belvedere blinked at her.

“I’m Serena, one of the new girls that Miss Sherrielock hired last week,” the blonde sat beside him and raised her skirt showing very shapely legs.

“Oh yes, I heard Miss Holmes had hired some new girls,” Belvedere blew his nose into his tie and then took it off and put it into a box intending to give it as a Christmas gift to the man who had told the whole town that he was a virgin.

The lovely blonde reached into her low-cut blouse and pulled out a beautiful railway watch on a chain (that she kept between her cleavage).

“I see it’s 8 in the evening,” Serena cooed, “what do you intend to do the rest of the night?”.

“I have no idea,” Belvedere looked up at the night sky 🌌 and saw a shooting star 🌠.

“Did you make a wish, Belvedere?” She moved closer to him and put her arms around him.

“Um, yes I did,” said Belvedere.

“Well, why don’t you come up to my room then,” she whispered in his ear, “and then we can make your wish come true.”

Belvedere looked inside the water trough for the horses that was a few feet away.

The reflection in the water showed the pyramids of Egypt against the night sky.

Belvedere thought it was an opportune night to make his wish come true.

He walked up the saloon’s back stairs with Serena to her room.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday July 22nd
2017.

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Belvedere Discovers His Enchantress

June 24, 2017 at 3:40 pm (International Intrigue, Science-Fiction, Vampire novel, western) (, , , , , , , , )

Belvedere the reporter for the Times of London had not always been the ghost of a Ghost White Salamander.

He was originally human but had been turned into a ghost white salamander back in August 1885 when he did not pay a working girl for services rendered in a room above a Wild West saloon.

The brothel girl cast a spell that turned him into a ghost white salamander.

He turned into the ghost of a ghost white salamander when an ox cart heading west ran over him as he crawled in a westernly direction.

Belvedere had heard through his sources that Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster had managed to take a coloured photograph with his lobster antennae of an assassination attempt made on Josef Stalin in his personal steam locomotive train back on June 22nd 1931.

Belvedere wondered if Michelangelo’s lobster antennae could photographically go back in time to August 15th 1885 the day that he was changed into a ghost white salamander.

And spot who was the enchantress who did this to him?

For Belvedere had forgotten what she looked like after he got run over by an ox cart.

Not of course that the Enchantress was probably still alive to turn him back.

But he’d like to know who she was.

Belvedere went down to the Set Enterprises lab and put in the request to Michelangelo.

Michelangelo’s lobster antennae started flashing red and blue lights as the photo started coming in.

Dr. Cadbury Rocher checked the screen of the computer hooked up to Michelangelo’s antennae as the photo appeared.

Serena

“That’s her,” said Belvedere, “that was the newly employed brothel girl at The Wild Tomatoes and Mushroom Saloon who turned me into a ghost white salamander when I didn’t pay her for sleeping with me.”

“What,” cried the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set as he entered the room, “that’s Serena my fiancee. You mean to say she time traveled back to the day August 15th 1885 and slept with you?”.

Belvedere decided it might not be a good idea to stay in the same room as an angry vampire so he vanished.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday June 24th
2017.

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Belvedere Meets Qonzilqointec

July 4, 2016 at 8:31 pm (Vampire novel, western) (, , , , )

Belvedere Meets Qonzilqointec

Belvedere was awarded the Hayden, Colorado Town Medal of Valour for slaying the vampire.

After the ceremony, Belvedere went back to the saloon.

He began wiping down the bar.

Just then the saloon doors opened and a beautiful looking Mexican woman wearing a beautiful purple evening dress walked through the doors.

She walked up to the bar.

“Evening, ma’am,” Belvedere greeted her, “what can I get you?”.

“Just a glass of iced water please,” she answered.

“One glass of iced water coming up,” Belvedere poured her a glass of iced water from the pitcher kept in the cooler.

“So you’re the man who slew the vampire?” She looked at him.

“Wow, word certainly gets around, doesn’t it?” Belvedere blushed.

“I myself am a Vampiress,” the woman smiled showing sharp vampiric incisors, “I am the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec.”

“Really?” Belvedere looked shocked.

He felt bad at having to stake such a beautiful woman.

“But I’m not here to bite anyone on the neck so you don’t have to stake me,” Qonzilqointec smiled.

“That’s good to hear,” Belvedere quickly drank a glass of iced water himself.

“I’m here in Hayden, Colorado because,” the Aztec vampire princess leaned over to whisper to him, “this is one of the places believed that a group of Aztecs heading north to escape Cortes’ conquest of the Aztec Empire came and buried the Lost Gold of the Aztecs.”

“Really?” Belvedere was intrigued.

“So I’m here to look for it,” Qonzilqointec smiled, “Thanks for the iced water.”

She walked out the door.

“Any time,” Belvedere shouted, “here in Hayden, iced water is thicker than blood.”

-A western vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday June 12th
2016.

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Belvedere and The Vampire

June 30, 2016 at 7:43 pm (Vampire novel, western) (, , , , , , , , )

Belvedere and The Vampire

There was definitely a vampire in town all right.

Several of the saloon chorus girls in Hayden, Colorado had been bitten on the neck and had some of their blood drained.

Sherrielock Holmes the saloon owner was herself attacked by the vampire but she managed to beat him off with a whip.

A vampire hunter called Batty Bill Cotee was brought into town to give a speech on how to ward off, fight and kill vampires.

Batty Bill Cotee gave the speech at the Teetotalers Methodist Church in town.

Cotee recommended wearing Crosses and Crucifixes around one’s neck.

The recommendation led to sales of Crosses and Crucifixes from Saint Patrick’s Catholic Church and Saint Luke’s Episcopal Church in town.

Neither Saint Andrew’s Presbyterian Church nor the Immanuel Baptist Church in town profited from the recommendation.

Cotee also recommended hanging garlic in one’s doorway and one’s window to keep vampires out.

This led to great sales on garlic at Haim’s Delicatessen in town.

And the hanging of garlic led to a decrease in both vampire sightings and visits by traveling door-to-door salesmen at most homes in town.

“The way to kill a vampire is to stab it through the heart with a stake,” said Cotee.

Belvedere took particular note of that statement.

A few days later, the advice was to come in handy.

As Belvedere stepped out of the saloon one night, he noticed one of the saloon chorus girls Carla getting bitten on the neck by a vampire.

Belvedere immediately ran into the saloon and said to the cook, “I’d like a steak please.”

“How would you like it?” The cook asked, “Blue-rare? Rare? Medium rare? Medium? Medium well done? Well done?”.

Belvedere took a quick look out of the saloon window and realized he didn’t have much time.

“Uh… blue-rare please,” Belvedere said to the cook.

A couple of minutes later, the cook handed Belvedere a plate, “There you go. One 10-ounce blue-rare steak.”

Belvedere ran outside with the plate and the steak and ran up to the vampire who was still being a real pain in the neck to Carla.

Belvedere grabbed the steak off the plate and then dropped it to the ground shouting, “Ow! Hot! Hot! Hot!”.

He quickly dropped the steak on the plate and ran over to the water trough for the horses and dipped both plate and steak into the cool water.

The vampire had stopped biting Carla on the neck as he stopped to watch Belvedere make a spectacle out of himself.

When the steak was sufficiently cool, Belvedere ran over to the vampire and started stabbing him in the heart with a steak.

“What the Hell do you think you’re doing?” The vampire asked.

“I’m stabbing you in the heart with a steak,” Belvedere replied.

“It’s a wooden stake you’re supposed to use, moron,” Carla said exasperatedly, “S-T-A-K-E not S-T-E-A-K, idiot!”.

“Oops!” Belvedere said.

He went running over to a white picket fence across the street and grabbed a stake from the fence.

“Hey, come back with part of my fence,” the homeowner shouted.

Belvedere ran over to the vampire and quickly plunged the white picket fence wooden stake into the vampire’s heart.

The vampire quickly degraded into skull and bones and then dust.

The homeowner rushed on to the scene and picked up his white picket fence stake and started crying, “Waaah! You got blood on it!”.

“My hero!” Carla kissed Belvedere.

Sherrielock Holmes who had been watching the whole scene up from her second floor saloon office window started laughing her head off.

“Oh, Belvedere,” she laughed, “you’ve got the brains of a politician.”

-A western vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday June 11th
2016.

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Belvedere In Hayden, Colorado

June 29, 2016 at 7:53 pm (Vampire novel, western) (, , , , , , , , , , )

Belvedere In Hayden, Colorado

By the time Belvedere arrived in the town of Hayden, Colorado in June 1880 ( a town no longer in existence), he was tired of being an outlaw.

The final straw for him was when he found his name misspelled on a Wanted poster in a post office when he went in to buy stamps.

He decided to give up being an outlaw.

Thus when he rode into Hayden on his not-so-loyal horse Wildflower one June morning and noticed the Bartender Wanted sign on the window of The Wild Tomatoes and Mushroom Saloon (with the word Bartender spelled correctly), he decided to apply for the job.

The proprietress of The Wild Tomatoes and Mushroom Saloon was a startlingly beautiful Englishwoman by the name of Sherrielock Holmes.

She wore a very beautiful red evening dress with black ruffled sleeves when she met him.

Although Belvedere had no experience being a bartender, she was intrigued with his life story and laughed uproariously as he recounted his past exploits.

She hired him and personally trained him as bartender.

One night as he threw the last of the drunks out of the saloon (well it was actually Sherrielock who thrashed them out the door with her whip), he was closing up the saloon when the town’s sheriff Franklin P. Peabody approached.

“Evening, Belvedere,” the sheriff took off his hat and spit chewing tobacco on the ground.

“Evening, Sheriff,” Belvedere put on his hat and put chewing tobacco in his mouth.

“You know townsfolk are claiming that there’s a vampire in town,” the sheriff looked towards the west and watched the last of the sun setting behind the mountains.

“A vampire? You mean like those bloodsuckers of medieval myth and legend?” Belvedere tried to blow bubbles with his chewing tobacco but failed.

“That’s right,” Sheriff Peabody nodded.

“But that’s crazy,” said Belvedere.

“That’s what I say,” Peabody agreed.

Peabody walked down the street towards his sheriff’s office and Belvedere stood there pondering the moonlight.

He decided to spit out his chewing tobacco.

Belvedere did so.

Right as a bat flew by.

Belvedere was positive that the bat swore at him in Romanian.

-A western vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday June 10th
2016.

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Belvedere’s Career As Wild West Outlaw

June 28, 2016 at 7:15 pm (Vampire novel, western) (, , , , , , )

Belvedere’s Career As Wild West Outlaw

Belvedere finally managed to cross the Missouri River at Saint Louis and head further west.

He did not have much luck finding a job in places out west either so he wound up joining a gang of outlaws called The Redford Raiders.

He was kicked out of The Redford Raiders for constantly singing arias from Italian operas as they rode along the trail.

So he became known as The Lone Bandit and held up stagecoaches, Pony Express riders and banks on his own.

Having somewhat of an aversion to violence, he never carried any bullets in his gun.

So usually any robbery he attempted ended in failure when someone challenged him to use his gun.

When no one did that, his robberies usually went off without a hitch.

Save for the one time his horse bolted to a distant stream after he had robbed a stagecoach and he had to hitch a ride to get to his horse.

The person he happened to hitch a ride with just happened to be Wild Bill Hickock.

Fortunately for Belvedere, Wild Bill was in a good mood having won a card game in a nearby town and so didn’t ask too many questions like “Why are you wearing a bandana mask around your face?”.

Wild Bill dropped Belvedere off at the stream where Belvedere’s horse Wildflower still had his head in the stream going “Slurp! Slurp! Burp! Burp!”.

Belvedere thanked Wild Bill for the ride and as Wild Bill rode off into the sunset, Belvedere jumped on to Wildflower shouting, “Hi-Ho, Wildflower, away!”.

Wildflower yawned and daintily and slowly rode off into the sunset while Belvedere sang,

“… The Camptown racetrack’s five miles long
Oh, de doo-da day

Goin’ to run all night
Goin’ to run all day
I bet my money on a bob-tailed nag
Somebody bet on the gray…”

A Sioux warrior on top of a far hill tried to shoot Belvedere to stop his singing but had neglected to load his ammunition that morning and so prayed “Oh Great Spirit, help improve my memory and please deliver me from the singing voices of paleface fools.”

Belvedere continued to sing as Wildflower rode into the sunset as the horse looked around for signs of a nearby cactus by which he could suddenly unload the heavy load on his back… and his ears… and enact his vengeance at the same time.

-A western vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday June 9th
2016.

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George Belvedere Duhamel: A Vampire Wild West Tale

June 27, 2016 at 7:12 pm (Vampire novel, western) (, , , , , , )

George Belvedere Duhamel

George Belvedere Duhamel was an outlaw.

He went by his middle name Belvedere.

He was the son of a Louisiana fur trader and a Haitian stage dancer.

He was born in New Orleans in 1840.

He joined the Confederate Army in 1861 although he mistakenly thought he was signing up to be a member of a traveling Shakespeare theatrical company.

He mistook the Confederate Army uniforms outside the recruiting station for actor “soldiers” in the Volscian army after Caius Marcius Coriolanus the great Roman general had defected to the Volscians from his native Rome because he found the plebs in the city to be quite revolting.

He was quite surprised to find himself in an actual Army after signing on the dotted line.

Belvedere spent the greater part of the Civil War running away from Confederate soldiers to avoid being shot for desertion (he did not have the stomach for fighting).

He also spent the other part of the Civil War running away from Union soldiers who wanted to shoot him for wearing a Confederate Army uniform.

Belvedere happened to be having a corned beef, lox and cream cheese sandwich in the Appomattox Court House when Confederate General Robert E. Lee surrendered to Union General Ulysses S. Grant on April 9th 1865.

When a black and white photograph of the event was taken for posterity (the photo was taken in black and white because colour photography hadn’t been invented yet), Belvedere was the disheveled looking Confederate soldier in the background looking very downcast as he stood behind Lee and Grant.

Belvedere was looking very downcast not because Lee had just surrendered to Grant but because the storekeeper who had sold him the corned beef, lox and cream cheese sandwich had neglected to include a dill pickle in his bag when he handed it to him.

Because Belvedere had worn the uniform of the losing side in the Civil War, he had trouble finding employment after the war.

He wasn’t hired in the North because he was considered a damned rebel and he wasn’t hired in the South because he was considered a damned deserter so he was told to head to the Wild West to seek his damned fortune.

He began his journey west by getting his foot caught in a beaver dam while crossing a stream for which he was cussed out in beaver talk by the dam beavers.

All in all, it was a damned inauspicious start to the beginning of his outlaw career out west.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday June 8th
2016.

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